The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #291: A Very Inman Christmas

Episode Date: December 26, 2018

Doug and James Inman meet poolside at the Kansas City Airport Marriott with Bingo and her sisters, Bango & Bongo. It's the Christmas podcast you never thought you wanted to hear. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Dec 25th, 2018 at the Kansas City Airport Marriott in Kansas City, MO with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), James Inman (@_james_inman), bingo (@BingoBingaman), Bango and Bongo. Produced by Jeff Nelson. Edited by Chaille This episode is sponsored by [PricelessPillow.com](http://www.PricelessPillows.com) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to [www.PricelessPillows.com](http://www.PricelessPillows.com) and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. [Stanhope Store Merch](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) - New Podcast Coffee Mug and the last of the VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - [Cirilla's](https://www.yelp.com/biz/cirillas-gladstone) - Cirilla's, Spicing up sex lives since 1992 - [https://www.yelp.com/biz/cirillas-gladstone](https://www.yelp.com/biz/cirillas-gladstone) [Pillow Talk Podcast with Bongo](https://audioboom.com/posts/5406254-the-doug-stanhope-podcast-pillow-talk-with-bingo-s-sister-bongo) – [https://audioboom.com/posts/5406254-the-doug-stanhope-podcast-pillow-talk-with-bingo-s-sister-bongo](https://audioboom.com/posts/5406254-the-doug-stanhope-podcast-pillow-talk-with-bingo-s-sister-bongo) The UnBookables DVD - [https://amzn.to/2QSxQtW](https://amzn.to/2QSxQtW) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Inman Christmas from Kansas City. James Inman is here. He's not here yet because there was just a beautiful, what do you call it? Reuniting. Yeah. Bingo is here with Aaron, the best bartender of all time. Sheridan Aaron. Sheridan Aaron. Sheridan Erin. And they have not seen each other. Last time you were supposed to meet,

Bingo hired Erin and your cousin? My friend. Friend. To come down to Bisbee to bartend Bingo's 40th birthday party. Well, the night before, Bingo, as you know, split her head open and went into a coma and may or may not live. And at some point, Aaron called or I called you and you said, should I still come? And I went, yeah, because I know we're still drinking.

We're not going to some fucking hospital. But you have not seen each other since before her coma yeah so i i wanted you to say hello on the air and then we'll dismiss you like women and then me and inman will talk like men men are talking i get it wow hello bingo hello baby come here I'm glad she's okay I am so okay, I'm better than ever Especially now that I get to see you This is fantastic

She walks in and I'm like, I'm sorry if I start crying But this is amazing for me I made it through it And now I get Sharon and Aaron back It's fabulous I think Doug told you, you still owe me some money Oh yes, you get paid for working that party. Yes.

I took care of everyone. I tried. You did. I believe you did. You always do. Erin moved out here to Kansas City, and everyone asked me why. I know something about your dad or something. Yeah, he passed away. He might have just moved here. Wait.

My stepfather who raised me. Oh, okay. Nice bringing that up, Stan. Yeah, thanks a lot. Wait, the guy that I met is dead? No. You met my real dad, right? I don't know.

I don't ask a lot of questions. I'm a good person. Three, two are dead. One's still alive. You met the live person. All right, but you moved out here with an alive person. Yes. All right, and he's still alive. Yes.

Woo-hoo! It's Christmas all over again. It's another Christmas miracle. And now your kid who always hated me. Now you're two years older. I hate you. Don't stand up. Your Honor, he's leading the witness. Wiley, you never liked me from the beginning since you were this big,

and now you're this big. I'm still crushing your head. I crush your head. I'm crushing your head. Jump in the pool and we'll throw you in the clothes dryer later. Oh, we're at the

Marriott Airport MCI Kansas City Airport and we're in a pool. Indoor pool. So if it sounds echoey it's because it's echoey as shit. And Wiley, when I say shit, that's S-H-I-T.

Shit. It's a good word to say. You should learn that word if you want to be bilingual. That's how I look at you all of the time. Her face is my face as I look at you all of the time. Wiley, I'm the only one who's going to buy you ice cream after this show, so you better suck up to me. She's going to do the opposite of whatever you say. So,

quickly, last time I saw you, we got you a private club membership to some bar that I really want to go back to. The Keystone Tavern. She remembers. Yeah, we had a good morning drunk.

Alright, you haven't been back? No. We did Johnny Dare's show. Yeah. Alright. Did you invite that day? No. Inman was supposed to be on the radio. I don't know what...

You know what? Your reunion, no one cares anymore. So I'm going to bring Inman in right now. Bring him in. We got to go. We got to go. Go. Go. Throw that kid in the pool. I'm going to chuck you in the pool. How do you feel about that? No, she smiled. I just kind of liked that idea.

I'm going to chuck you. I'm going to chuck you up by the back of your banana hammock and I'm going to throw you face first into that gall dang pool. Gall dang pool. Oh boy. I know what the fuck I'm saying when I talk to kids. I don't use swear words. Alright. Aaron, Bingo, we'll

talk to you. We have the Bingaman sisters. All three of them here. We might do a little dating game with James Inman and the Bingaman sisters. Jeff, introduce yourself, because Jeff and Ryan were kind enough to put this podcast together. Hi, I'm Jeff. Jeff Nelson. And you do Barrel of the Bottoms.

Yeah. That sounds like me and Andy. Yeah, it's a club. I've been there. Mishka played it. It's called Barrel of the Bottoms. If you're from Kansas City, you know where the Bottoms is. West Bottoms. Yeah, and this guy's also a comedian.

And I've seen him on stage, and he's funny. You vouched for Jeff. I vouched for him. Jeff, what's your last name? Nelson. All right. And this is Brian Tricky, what's your last name? Nelson. All right. Yeah. And this is Brian Trickey, also a comedian. Brian?

Ryan. Ryan. All right. I had it right. No, we just did a show like a week or two ago at Barrel, and it was unbelievable. We sold it out to people like 65 people. We crammed in this like hot, sweaty attic, basically. That's the best room 65 people yeah i have always said if i if money wasn't an issue i would play 75 cedar tops low ceiling

sweaty lenny bruce rooms smoky well i can't smoke it's been a blast. Barrel of the bottoms. Can't smoke. Thank you for putting this together at the last minute. Absolutely. We came out to surprise the Bingamons for Christmas. Then the parents left this morning, Christmas morning. But we got the sisters. So we got Bingo, Bango, and Bongo. Bingo does

not like it when you I usurp her nickname and put Bingo and Bongo, but she's smiling right now because she has to. James Inman is with us, and it's a very Inman Christmas. This is the benefit of... Shut that kid up! the benefit of SHUT THAT KID UP! Alright. You told, you said you We have four hot chicks here and who's the only

topless one? The fifth one that's five years old. Come on. Join in. Don't make her feel weird. We were actually at a pool On Christmas It's hot as fuck in here Yeah And I gotta get Screaming at children

And there's some dumb motherfuckers up there Working out We can actually see these guys On treadmills up there Hopefully they can't hear us Do you see that one dumb guy just sitting there right in front of that goddamn TV? All right, so I brought presents.

So Inman, I didn't think we would be... I called Inman when we landed here the night before Christmas Eve, and I said, hey, I'm in Kansas City. I'm not going to be able to see you because I'm going to be with the family. But when the parental units left, after a nice trip to the smut shop,

if you want to, either one of the sisters wants to join in on this, go ahead, grab a mic, honey. So Christmas Eve, listen to this, Aaron. Christmas Eve, we're with the parents and the sisters, and Bingo

on New Year's Eve in Bisbee Is doing a bondage show It's a quote unquote art show Where all They tie you up in front of everybody And that's the show The few hot chicks they can find They tie up in bondage gear for art

Like burlesque You know We're fat girls that want to show our midriff. We'll call it burlesque. No, this is bondage. Where was this at? It's going to be New Year's Eve, so Bingo wants to go to a smut shop to get some underclothes

to go underneath the bondage gear. Makes sense. So she asks Bingo Bingaman, hey, my sister, will you take me to a smut shop? And Bingo says, yes, I will take you, Bingo. Because I know right where it is. Oh, no, this is what she says. Good job, Inman.

Because I forgot. She's in front of the parents now. She's in front of the parents? The parents are 70 years old. Oh. So she says, oh, yeah, there's one. And then she stops and she goes, I mean, I've heard that there is one. I've heard that it's a good one.

And then she keeps backtracking over that. There's this place. So Bingo says, will you go? And I go, no, I'm not going to go unless your parents go. So we all jump in the car and go. We got six of us in a five-seater, like gum-chewing teenagers, all wearing Santa hats, to go to the smut shop, Cirilla's. Cirilla's?

That's the name, Cirilla's. Where was this at? At Cirilla's. Well, I know. Are you talking about the one that's on Rainbow? Bongo would know. She had the GPS. Whatever.

It's off of Highway what? The loop. All of you guys went to a bondage I mean a porn shop in Gladstone. Adult store. Squeeze the chairs in because the echo is hard enough without having to yell from a distance. We make.

Squeeze around the table. So all of you went to the slut shop? All three sisters? In our Santa hats. Every single one of my immediate family members were there. We did it. Okay. Making Christmas memories.

How do you do that with one of your sisters? The parents too. The parents, too. The parents? No, you didn't say that part. I'm walking mother around 70 years old explaining how things work and I go, Are you kidding me? Well, what's the...

I don't understand the bulb. I go, that's an enema bulb. It's for anal. You're telling your bingo moms? Are you kidding me? Are you serious? For anal, you might want to... You're telling your bingo's mom this? I was fucking brilliant. Are you kidding me? Are you serious? Yeah, no, I did.

Maybe that's why they left on Christmas. They went somewhere else. Oh, no, no. All right, all right. I told all the Bingamons that buy whatever weird item you like. I'm buying. Right. And they all...

Put it on my tab. They all... Got the... They went really light. They went light? Bingo was the most she got crotchless panties.

That's still pretty hot. That's still pretty hot. Okay, yeah. Bongo only got regular panties. Bingo got what she was there to get Okay, yeah. I can see that. Bongo only got regular panties. Yeah, just Christmas ones. Bingo got what she was there to get, which is a fishnet underlying thing for her bondage thing to put under her bondage gear.

I bought the parents the remote control vibrating panties. Did they pick that out, or did you pick it out for them? So he can remotely control the... Yeah, so for the plane ride home today, she's wearing the panties. He can hit the zap button whenever... Oh, the lady in the middle seat is getting agitated. She might need a drink or a Xanax. I don't know if they wore them. But then after we got home,

mother says to pop, thinking no one can hear them because you know how loud old people talk. Yeah. Said, there was the one sleeve thing. It's a jerk-off sleeve. I should have got that. I think, Ron, you would have liked that.

Did you, you had to sit there, you heard this? Were you bothered? I was into looking for my own shit for the bondage show. Did it bother you? But I got a great picture texted to me from Brooke with Mom picking out sex toys and Stanhope right there next to her picking out sex toys for her.

Oh, my God. I was explaining a lot of things to your mother, and then we came across at least two things where I go, you know what, Mom? I'm not sure about this. I don't know what this is for either. I haven't been in a smut shop in a long time,

and I feel like I failed you because I don't know what that is for either. I haven't been in a smut shop in a long time, and I feel like I failed you because I don't know what that's for either. I mean, they stumped you. Yeah, I was curious. So is that what you bought for yourself? I want to ask you, because when I was overproducing this segment in my head where we're going to have the dating game

where James Inman is the bachelor and he's questioning the Binghamettes. One of the questions I wrote for him, but I'll just ask you outright. What at that smut shop would you have bought if you were alone and it didn't show up on your credit card receipt? Because you bought all this timid thing shit if you were there by yourself and you were on a podcast you wanted to tell the world what exactly would have you have bought good put the microphone right up to her mouth put it in your mouth do i need to show you how to do this um all right something

classy oh right right come on something classy hang on if this helps you at one point we're on a wall of dildos me and your mom holding hands and i said to your mom and they had like the entire array from five inch to gigantic and this was Christmas Eve it's just like the smallest to the biggest how did you find it okay go ahead I said well this is open on Christmas Eve yeah Google you're there with the family all right just to get that out in the open. Yeah. All right. I forced the issue. I said, I won't go unless they all go. They went. So I made this wall of dildos from the smallest to the largest, and I said, okay, mom, which one would be Ron?

You said if this was a police lineup. Oh, if it was a police lineup, which one would be your husband? Yeah. And she went to the second to biggest. And they go, oh, you're being kind because he's right here. She goes, no, that's Ron. No! Dad's got a big old dick.

Oh, damn. I said that to Bingo, and she goes, I know. I didn't question her any further. Yeah. I assume it was a morning shower thing when she was a kid. But yeah, dad's got a big old dick. So mom was, she was the least nervous person to be there. Well, once you get 70, I think you just kind of give up.

Oh, she didn't give up. Go for it. I left her wanting more. Well, have you ever asked the difference between men and women you ask a woman are you still going to be having sex when you're 70, 80 or 90

almost every woman will say oh hell yeah I'm going to be having sex when I'm 90 you ask a man he's like oh my god when will it end Jesus Christ man he's like oh my god when will it end jesus christ we started when we were young see when we were 16 you know it's just like james inman is gonna school you on the world of the meaning of life he's the ghost of christmas

future well women say yeah i'll still have sex when I'm 70. But if you say, with who? They go, yeah, that's a good question. This is a weird Christmas. No one wants to fuck a 70-year-old woman. This is a weird Christmas. My Christmas and your Christmas are two different parallel universes. I mean, I'm a comedian, too, but I have a pretty normal goddamn Christmas.

universes. I mean, I'm a comedian too, but I have a pretty normal goddamn Christmas. You're out looking at dildos and shit on Christmas Eve. You know, I mean... I've retired. You retired? In July. So six months ago

I retired, and I still do more comedy than you. Suck my fucking... Oh, Jesus. Busting balls. Well, we're not here to make fun of James. No, that's all you do. That's our entire act. Our entire act is for you

to make fun of me. I'm the fucking dumb guy. And what frightens me is you're the smart guy. That's what's frightening. You're the straight man taking his's what's frightening. You're the straight man taking his girlfriend's parents to a porn shop. That's the straight guy.

How fucked up do I have to be to be friends with someone like you? You are completely fucked. And I'm dumber than you? I'm crazier than you? That's crazy. Inman, I was here to celebrate you. I don't know than you I'm crazier than you that's crazy Inman I was here to celebrate you

I don't know why you're going until it's a very Inman Christmas and I wanted to celebrate you yeah yeah we're celebrating we're celebrating I brought presents

I brought presents we'll get to your presents okay alright one of the two things you said to me today yeah I said what time do you think we can make this happen?

And you said, well, I'm going to go to my family's for Christmas, and then we're going to eat dinner, and then we're going to open presents. I'm like, Inman has a family, and they open presents? Yes. This is a hidden side of you. Yes, I have it. Before we open your presents that you got for us, I don't know. There's three presents, and there's four presents there. There's four?

Yes. All right. All right. And they're for who? One's for you, one's for Bingo, and one's for Bingo and Bongo. Oh, what? What did you get for Christmas? What did I get? Oh, man.

I got all kinds of stuff. By the way, when I called him round two to see his ETA of getting here, he's like, we ate dinner and I got an open presents. Like it was a chore. Now I got an open presents.

I was about ready to choke somebody, but go ahead. What did I get? He already said, I never wanted a cell phone. He's plugging in his cell phone in the room. I never wanted a cell phone, but my sister died. No one could get a hold of me, and then I had it. They made me get a cell phone. He was bitching about his sister dying and being forced to have a free cell phone.

That's James Inman. On Christmas. My family is so goddamn normal. My mom, every year, she buys me clothes that I try on. They don't fit. They look stupid. And I don't wear them.

And she takes them back. And she constantly wants to dress me up like a nice person. And I'm like, Mom, I do comedy. It's like if you were gay, right, and you went to your parents and your mom kept saying, hey, when are you going to meet a nice girl? And you had to say to her face, Mom, I suck cock, Mom. Do you know that I suck cock? Why do you keep trying to get me to meet a woman? My mom is trying to dress me. Still to this

day, I'm 56 years old. I'm not going to wear that shit. All right? I wear the pants that I want to wear. I wear the shirts that I want to wear. I get them from thrift stores. I'm not wearing some Old Navy bullshit or The Gap. Oh, these jeans are faded. I can buy faded jeans at a thrift store. I remember when I met Inman in the 90s in Seattle, he was so angry. This vitriol would come out of him about, they call it the grunge movement. I just dress like this because I go to thrift stores. I wear flannel shirts anyway.

It's not a part of a fucking look. It's not fucking fashion. This is what I can afford for $2. You want to start talking about your fashion with those goddamn suits? Fucking beautiful suits. No one's ever going to copy it. It's like acid wash jeans. They'll never come back.

Polyester disco shit. No, it's not coming back. I fucking own that. And I've been wearing it since I was a telemarketer. If you read my book, digging up other youth, though. If I have to do a show with you, do I have to dress up like you? Do I have to wear one of those suits? You're more likely to get booked if you dress up like that.

More likely to get booked? Yeah. You know what? It works like that. Chicks go, oh, oh, the pretty chicks that suck dick get the better jobs. And the comics that dress the way I prefer them to dress. If I dress like you? Yeah, you don't have to suck my dick or anything.

Oh. Alright. We're going to tone down the language on this podcast for a minute because there's a child that we just not... Yes. Another child is here. Thank God the water's cold I was

they got up and turned around and walked away like but they checked the water first let's check the water but they're talking about sucking dick. Did Chaley say we have to stop at the 20-minute mark for commercial? Oh, sure. Are we about that, roughly? Yeah. Okay. Hey, we're going to take a fake break, and then we're going to start talking immediately afterwards, and there will be no echo on the commercials if there are commercials.

Cocktails! I love that Bisbee was voted the number one small historic town in America by the USA Today. I just hate the fact that they don't have books here. Or music. Or meatloaf. What the fuck are you talking about? Or music. Or meatloaf.

What the fuck are you talking about? There's a place called Bisbee Books and Music in the fucking convention center mall, you fucking moronic shit-gibbon. How can anyone miss it? There's only like three places to go in Bisbee, and only two of them are worthwhile. There really are books? And music? What about meatloaf? It's next to a fucking restaurant called The Table, which none of us like to go to. But I'm sure it sells meatloaf to all the fucking paps who come here looking for some sort of healing experience that isn't as expensive as fucking Sedona.

Okay. So what you're telling me is we can get books? And music? And meatloaf? All in one stop shopping? Yes, yes, yes. You can go there and music and meatloaf all in one stop shopping yes yes yes you can go there and get all that shite in the fucking convention center and then go back to the fucking copper queen and tell everyone you had a great time and there's valet parking no what the fuck valet parking it's not the fucking ivy, you fucking turd monkey! No!

There's no valley parking! You walk there like a normal human being, like Europeans, like pedestrians! So I bet there's no chance they have Doug Stanhope's digging up mother autographed at the Bisbee Books and Music? Of course they fucking have it! He's the only local celebrity! Everyone else is fucking dead or dying! Well, there fucking have it! He's the only local celebrity! Everyone else is fucking dead or dying! Well, there we have it. I guess tomorrow we're gonna race right out to get books. Music.

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PricelessPillow.com. and put in the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off. PricelessPillow.com While we were away, I realized that Bingo, Bango, and Bongo did not answer the question of what they really would have bought at that smut shop had they been alone with no receipts and no cameras

and it disappeared after it fell in you. Because we were hoping you would forget okay look nobody listens to this podcast okay the only people that listen to this podcast they're not going to know anyone that you know why don't you give it looking for something for new years for what for new years okay so you got see this is women plan out masturbation. She's already got her New Year's thing. So, oh, no, but you're married or you got a boyfriend. You're going to share something with him. What was it going to be?

Well, that's what I was pondering, but then I had to help Bingo pick something out for her debut. Oh, wait, wait, wait. All right. First of all, Bongo, she's a two-time veteran of this podcast, and she holds nothing back. So she'll answer honestly. But you, after we go back. She's got a job, though.

Wait, listen, listen. I don't have a job. Bongo. No, no. I mean, she works for the government or something. No, no, this one does. Don't out them. Oh, don't say that?

All right, all right. It doesn't matter. All right, all right. She's expendable. You know, the government is shut down right them. Oh, don't say that? All right, all right. It doesn't matter. All right, all right. She's expendable. You know, the government is shut down right now. Right, right. She's not technically working for the government today. Yeah, it's one of those kind of jobs where they don't need her.

We don't need her. But she said afterwards, when I said that I bought the vibrating panties with the remote control for the 70-year-old parents, vibrating panties with the remote control for the 70-year-old parents. She goes, oh, my boyfriend and I have the same kind of thing, but it's via a phone app. So she has some, like, dildo thing that he can set off any time. But she also said, we don't use it that much anymore. We don't use it enough, is what she was saying. Go ahead.

Because it loses the connection oh it doesn't work right part way through right okay so can you feel me now can you feel me now loses the connection part way through right at the wrong no you said it in the you know what the we've all had our sex toy phase in a relationship. And then it gets... Yeah, actually. All right, do you want to bring all that stuff out? And did we wash this adequately? Yeah, it's fun at the beginning.

Well, I got a sex toy story. Well, hang on. Let Bongo go next. I'm sorry, go ahead. What would you have bought if you were completely alone? Something made your eye twinkle. No, I saw, it was like a small little butt plug thing that caught my eye. But I'm not going to get that in front of my parents.

Exactly. On Christmas Eve. And hopefully you won't get that stuck up anywhere for a while. So, hey. I'm not going to get that stuck up anywhere for a while. So, hey. I'm not going to get that on Christmas. God damn. See what you do to people? No, no.

It's all right. You have to hear her other. I think it's funny. Her other two legendary, my favorite podcast maybe ever is Bongo Bingham and her pooping. It's episode number three, I think. Poopy stories. Six or seven, I think. Six or seven?

It's the Pillow Talk podcast. Where she shit all over the place and vomited and shit and vomited. It's shit and vomit. Just sell a podcast. Why did I call it the pillow talk podcast rather than my girlfriend's sister shit and puked and shit and puked all over everything and then had to tell everyone at work bingo what were you gonna buy i would have got one of those big old blown glass, beautiful dildos, color of turquoise, of course.

That's what I would have got. Color of turquoise? I tried to sell your mother on that exact one. Really? She didn't want it? I opened it up. It was a hand-blown glass dildo. I love it.

But it was turquoise spiraled up. Why didn't you get that from me? You don't use your vagina anymore. As far as you know. Who do I? What we don't know. It's fine by me. It's fine that I don't know.

She drops the mic. Wow, it's weird that I was trying to sell your mother on using the same thing that you so longed for your whole life. There's some kind of symbolism in that. That's some funny-ass shit right there. I don't know if that's Freudian or... I don't ever try to be funnier than Doug Stanhope. Right.

That's what I'm saying, because he'll darken you. He'll go darker. Let's soften this podcast down. Because James Inman says he has a smut toy story. Which I know will not go out of control whatsoever. It's Christmas. So, I don't know. My ex-wife.

I mean, you know, me and my ex-wife, we just had normal sex. Whatever. And one day. So, I don't know. My ex, I mean, you know, me and my ex-wife, we just had normal sex, whatever. And one day we're at. Well, she had normal sex with a lot of people. Yeah. My ex-wife, she was 23 when we met, but I don't know. It doesn't matter. So, we're at a mall and we're at one of those sharper image places.

And they had these back massagers. And they're big ass back massagers. And they look like back massagers. they're big ass back massagers and they look like back massagers they don't look like cock and balls these these are for normal people that want to massage their back right and we're just looking at them i you know they had one plugged in and oh yeah you got to plug them in too this is not battery this is plug-in back massager i put it on her back and go and she goes oh god i like that this is nice we should buy this and i was like all right whatever you know we had some money shoving up my ass and talk to me and right when we got home it went right on her pussy and we we basically used that

thing for six years until we broke up that that thing was, I was fucking her ass. Did you fight over it? That thing was her pussy, and there was a dildo in her, it was just, that thing became, it started off as a back massager, but it ended up being. Did you fight over it in the breakup? No, no, fucking, I don't need.

I can't get another woman without this. No, I don't really care. I don't care. I'm not, like, connected. I don't really care i don't i'm not like connected i don't really you know it's like to me she would get high a little bit high and then she would have these like two or three minute orgasms where i'm just there i'm like an appendage just watching her come for like two minutes with this thing stuck oh she could have finished quicker if you weren't there whatever that sucks for a guy because when we come, it takes like two, three seconds.

But when women come, you can make them come for like a minute or two minutes. You didn't make her come. A thing made her come. You didn't make her come. You drew it out. She's like, I'm kind of coming, but you keep looking at me. You're looking at me. You keep looking at me.

You're looking at me. So, there was another girl that I met after I broke up with my wife. And we're at a ball. James, just so you know, there is a five-year-old girl listening to all of this. Okay, alright, alright.

No, no, no, no. I'm saying keep going. Okay, I'm going. She can't tell her the truth. She's a parent. She'll go to jail. The first girl I meet after I break up with my wife, we're at a mall. I show her this thing. Hang on.

You did not break up with any woman ever in your life. She dumped you. Whatever. Yeah. Tell the truth. She broke up with me. Yeah. So what?

I wasn't attached. I'm, you know, just kind of, whatever. It's a long story. I'm not, I wasn't brokenhearted. We broke up amicably i meet this girl first thing we do we're at a mall i see the exact same fucking back massager and i say to her i go buy this and she's like why i go just trust me we get home she puts a thing in her pussy, I swear to God, her eyes rolled back in her head, she couldn't move, I stepped back, I stopped fucking her, I stepped back, and I was watching her come for like, I'm looking at my watch, and I'm like, how long, and I literally, I'm not joking,

I literally got bored, and I pulled it out, the plug out out of the wall. And she leaps up and she goes, Whoa! Why didn't you just do that? I'm like, holy shit, nobody can come that long. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hang on. First of all, you are so old that you had a girlfriend that had a vibrator that plugs into a wall? This is a

back massager. I already told you that part of the story. Yeah, but it still shouldn't plug into a wall. No, this is a back massager. It's not a dildo. Hey, because I was going to just interrupt this story and chuck that kid back in the pool, but I don't know.

I don't want to touch it when it doesn't have clothes on, but I don't want to get its clothes wet. But I really want to whip it in the pool like a cat. So let me know. Give me a high sign if I can throw that kid in the pool. We're talking about porn. There's children involved.

No, there's not children involved in the porn. There's a child in the pool. Nobody is going to listen to this goddamn podcast. They have to. No, they's not children involved in the porn. There's a child at the pool. Nobody is going to listen to this goddamn podcast. They have to. No. They have to. It's a very Inman Christmas. No.

Everyone. Do not. Listen, I'm humanizing you for the first time on this podcast. I didn't think I was going to come here and talk about dildos the whole time. There's important shit going down. The government is. Whatever. There is no government. We are the government. Right. All right. The government is... Whatever. There is no government.

We are the government. Right. All right. So that's my story. I appreciate you being here. I wanted to do... I had all these notes. We were going to try to do

the dating game with you being the bachelor and the bingo sisters being the contestants. And I ask them questions. We can still do that. But it's a Christmas podcast. But I had them written down. You have to read them. So far there's not been any Christmas, Doug.

We need the Christmas spirit to come out. They're all wearing Santa hats. They're all wearing Santa hats. I brought presents. Oh, the presents. Yes. I was going to have you read it. It made me go. I was going to have you read it. It made more sense. I was going to have you do, for the podcast,

because it's me, Chad Shank, and Greg Chaley, to ask them, fuck, marry, kill. Oh, no. Oh, what? You mean with these sisters? The Doug Steno podcast. Fuck, marry, kill? Yeah, each one of you.

We'll go bongo, bango, bingo in order. You start at the end. You have to fuck one of us, kill one of us, marry one of us. Me, Chad, and Chaley. Yep, it's a Doug Stano podcast crew. Yeah,

you're gonna do it. Fuck, marry, kill? Yeah, well, I had other questions. Why do you think I was gonna go, all right, between the three sisters, between the... I know my answer. Don't correct my math,

but technically I'm accurate. Between the three sisters, there's been three labioplasties. No, two. What does James Inoplasties. No, two. What does James Inman... No, she had two. You had one. She had none.

But as James Inman would like to ask, what should he avoid to not blow out your pussy so bad that it needs reconstructive surgery? Contestant number bango. What? I was writing the questions. You don't know them. What kind of question is that? I know the fuck, marry, kill one.

Can I answer that one? Yeah, do that. So I'll fuck Chad, marry Shaley and kill you? That's right. That's right. That's what I was going to say. That's right. Can I right. That's what I was going to say. That's right. Can I do fuck, marry, kill?

Who's next? Bingo answered the same exact. So, Bingo. You did the same thing? That's what I was going to say. I hate to say this, but us three girls are from the same folks and we're going the same way.

If anyone didn't say Mary Chaley, you'd be wrong. No, I said Mary Chaley. We all did the same. They all want to kill you. This came individually. We're not just doing the same thing because we're sisters. But we are sisters and that's what we would

all do. I'm killing myself fine without you. Dude, there's more people coming in. Oh my God. I'm killing myself fine without you. Dude, there's more people coming into the goddamn... That's all right. There's folks and stuff. Are you going to kill yourself

in front of the children? All right, let's go to Christmas presents. Yeah, Christmas presents. On this, the very atheist podcast. We hate God podcast. We can get away with that.

Sorry, families just walked in. But we're in Kansas City, Bible Belt, on Christmas. So we're going to tone down the language. But we're going to hype up the atheism. And then they will leave. We're going to shove atheism down their throat. They can't complain about atheism. Who cares about atheism?

Like anybody cares about Christmas, nobody cares. Nobody cares about... Or homosexuality, and I want to celebrate... Oh, no. James and I are having our 15th year... We're going to be kicked out of this pool. No, we can't get kicked out for... Are you kidding?

I could get thrown in jail. I got a warrant out for my arrest. You, you're fine. You got money. I've been driving on expired tags for six months. All right? Why would you do that? I could get shot in the middle of the street.

You're a celebrity. Please hold. When I first met James Inman in about 1996 he had a whole bit about driving with a warrant I drive a lot safer with a warrant out for my arrest. 22 years later he still has a warrant out for

his arrest that drives really safe. So we're going to do this. I'm going to figure out which present goes to which sister. Hand me that one on the top there you go james okay all right hand me all right this one okay i think this one okay i know where this one's gonna go three of them seem like books so don't give anyone that's a book to bingo all right all right so which which which girl between the government Oh I'm sorry

That's alright It's not government where she's really going to get in trouble Okay alright She gets the book No but it's not a book in here Just act surprised Don't open it right now After this podcast

We got to remember to tell them the story About your boss. Bingo gets this one. Doug gets that one. Okay, so open yours first. She gets to open hers first. I get to go first. You hold it.

It's got lovely gingerbread and snowman wrapping on it. And I've got Tales of Ordinary Madness. Show Doug that book. Doug, does at that. Isn't that nice? Tales of Ordinary Madness. Show Doug that book. Doug, does that book look familiar? I'll ski. Listen, open to page 27. Oh, I'm going to fucking kill you right here. Am I going to have to read this? Go to 27.

Practice my voiceover. Go to 27. Oh! Or sometimes I'd just be driving along at the first paragraph, like the start of the... Sometimes I'm more afraid of constipation than I am cancer. Sometimes the fear gets so great that I will try to suck my own dick to unclog my system. And if you've ever tried to suck your own...

All right, now I'm doing this over families. You only know the tearing of the muscle sheaths, your toes locked in the bed rungs, and your asshole twitching like a dying sparrow in the frost. And what really hurts is you never miss by an inch or two. He knows that entire paragraph. You never miss by an inch or two. He knows that entire paragraph. You never miss by a lot. You miss by a quarter

of an inch, but it may as well be an eternity or 40 miles. Well done. Well done. Yeah, but do you know where I got that book? That's not only a re-gift. I stole that book from your bookshelf last time I was in town.

Oh, whoa. And, yeah, I gave it as a gift. That's Doug's book that I stole. That's a stolen re-gift. Aw. Yeah, stolen re-gift. Okay, open yours. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Okay, Bongo. I swore I kind of memorized that bit a long time ago, that paragraph. And I thought it was notes from a dirty old man. And then I bought notes from a dirty old man. A picture frame. Flip it over. Oh, no, here we go. Oh, it's a light.

Yeah. That's something I was attached to, and so I kind of detached from it. I gave it up. So it's sentimental to you, and then you're giving it up? Yeah. Well, she just bought a house, so she needs some decoration. Yeah. So, you know the light bulb on top of your head?

Uh-huh. That's all it means. Nice. No, I did. I bought a condo. I'm moving, you know, the light bulb on top of your head? Uh-huh. That's all it means. Nice. No, I did. I bought a condo. I'm moving, so I'll put it up. Got something for the wall. All right, bingo.

Open here. Okay, here we go. All right. All right. Everyone's going to... You've wrapped well. It takes a while to open. This is...

I can see why... There's a lot of fat-headed fucking Midwestern fucking lummoxes, clumps of fucking cheese in this pool. Oh, wow. We will not let them win. So this guy is a local poet, all right? Okay. As you know, Martin, and I know you would love him.

Oh, that's great. because he's just like you and this is also this is a graphic novel Kurt and it's about Kurt Cobain some guy in Denmark wrote that alright open your present I'm going to open my present

then we're going to bail on this podcast I'm going to open it but I'm saying We're going to bail on this podcast I'm going to open it But I'm saying we're going to bail on this podcast We're going to wrap it up We're going to go down and drink in my room And have fun and frivolity You said no one would swim on Christmas That's what we all thought

But here they go Here they go Now we got children around yeah and and and that that size of corpse of child will float they'll never drown all right it's a t-shirt which I Oh, I know what this is. It's the Unbookables. Suck it. I will wear this with pride.

There you go. It's the Unbookables. Hey, speaking of the Unbookables, James, why don't you give it a plug? Oh, by the way, I'm in a movie that you produced, Doug, called The Unbookables. I got my name on it. Yeah, you're the producer.

Yeah. And so go watch it. I had nothing to do with it. It's now on DVD, Doug. It's on Comedy Play. It's on iTunes. And it's distributed. Now that Sean Rouse is dead.

Hey, by the way, did sales go up when Sean Rouse died? Of course they did. Did you celebrate a little bit? A little bit? Just a little bit? Come on. Yeah. No, I'm not getting...

I would. Yeah. I would celebrate. If you died and our podcast numbers went up, I'd go, yeah, we should have drowned him in the pool with these fat fucking Midwestern kids. Oh, God. Don't worry, your kid's not Midwestern yet. She's a new transplant.

She'll get fat. If you love Sean Rouse, he's in The Unbookables. So is Travis Lipsky, Christine Levine, Brett Erickson, Norm Wilkerson, Andy Andrus, your buddy yes

Doug Stanhope produced it I'm proud of the movie isn't Brendan Walsh Brendan Walsh is in the movie Pillow Barrier if you haven't seen it

go watch it Merry Christmas everybody hey thank you Barrel of at the bottom of the bottom

Barrel of the Bottoms Barrel of the Bottoms yes sorry the Bottoms is a local yeah it's a kansas city bottoms you go down there you see stand-up comedy mishka played there that's all i knew how you plug something that's when i was there

uh barrel of the bottoms and that's what night oh um what's that every night every fucking night every night go there come to kansas city it's got a great comedy scene you got a website thank you Every fucking night. Every night. Go there. Come to Kansas City. It's got a great comedy scene. They got a website. Thank you, Ryan and Jeff, for putting this poolside extravaganza together. Thank you, James Inman, for showing up. No, you feel like a human being. It's Christmas.

I am. I am a human being. You're a nice person. I'm a nice person. You're a nice person. I'm a nice person. You're a smart person. Thank you. I like you. We exploit.

Someone kind of like you. We exploit the shit out of you. Bingo wants to kill you. All three of them. All three of them do. And they're all beautiful. They're fucking. Yeah.

They're hot. Some gorgeous sister. And Aaron. Aaron. Aaron's hot too. Child. Like one of three people we allow their children to be around us. Yeah.

Officer Bob Friendly can bring his kids over. You. Sharon and Aaron. I think that's it. I think that's it. Yeah. That's it. I want to chuck that kid in the pool.

I want to hurl her. All right. Thank you. I hope your Christmas was as grand as ours was. Next time you go to a smut shop, grab the largest thing. And the in-laws. I was going to ask you that. Bring the in-laws.

Would you, if you were with your boyfriend, I'm not going to talk to Bingo on this, but Bingo and Bongo, if you were with your boyfriend and you were picking out a dildo, would you size down because he was present where you would normally size up? Not on your life. That's Bingo. Oops, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do you guys think? They're both polite women.

Signs up or signs down? You want to sign up? Yeah, probably same. You want to sign up because you might peg him with it later. All right? So you want to show him what it feels like. Oh, he knows what it's like. No.

No, he doesn't? Okay. He's Indian. He's probably been raped before. That's how Indian men train to rape women is they rape each other before they swarm the bus. Merry Christmas.

Thank you, everyone.