The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #293: The Return of Margo Wollenberg

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

Doug and Margo Wollenberg catch up since her medical adventures and assists Chad with a Police Beat.  Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Dec 10th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Margo Wollenberg, Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by PricelessPillow.com – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to www.PricelessPillows.com and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase.  Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug and the last of the VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ LINKS - We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org Closing song Music Box Christmas SongSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hey, this is the Doug Stanhope podcast with Margo Wallenberg, one of our old favorite Bisbee elite famous and of course, Chaley forgot to hit the record button, so we're going to join it already in progress. Sorry, Chaley. Fucking. You know, you could have said, we enjoyed Margo so much that we started the podcast without even trying to start the podcast.

She came in, we had cocktails. No, we tried to start the podcast. Well, you missed a little bit of me rambling to start the, and now I'm doing it again. So I'm filling in what you missed was me just rambling to Margo when I should have just let her talk. Spoiler alert, at some point I leave the podcast and you don't hear me for about five minutes. Why?

Find out on this episode of the Doug Stano Podcast with Margo Wallenberg. Within the community. The community. Oh, my God. And boy, then the... I can say it because my nose fits in a jockstrap,

but not you. Isn't that something? And then they got into a huge fist fight, and the little mulatto got her shirt ripped off of her, and it turned out she had a third boob under her arm. What? Yeah, it was just, I'm just going, I can't even. Oh, you're going to switch schools after that. Oh, man, I'm going, I can't even believe this is going on.

You might overcome racism, but that third boob under your arm, that's going to haunt you. It was, yeah, the poor thing. She needed a job stamp for her nose, and she had a third tit. Turns out she was Barry in the lead. Isn't that a superfluous

nipple? Jesus, I felt sorry for her. Margo is famous in Bisbee. We were just talking about. Last time you were here, we were filming. We had just come back from that cruise we were talking about. But we were filming a pilot here.

And we had you on. And it was February. But it was still a sunny day. It's warm, seasonably warm, and it takes forever to set up cameras. Margo's sitting out with us in the sun, waiting to set up in here in the funhouse to film, having some cocktails. I feel dizzy. I think I better lay down. Yeah. And he laid down and then rallied for the shoot.

Right, right, right. We talked some shit on the show. Yep. And then the next day, you went out. I think it was Buzz's local musician that had passed, that he went to his memorial service. I think it was a fundraiser musician that had passed, that he went to his memorial service. I think it was a fundraiser. I don't think he had... I can't remember.

Oh, that was at the... At Elmo's. Elmo's. Yeah. At Elmo's, right, right, right. And you had the same incident happen the next night. Right. And then he called me on the Monday or whatever it was.

Yeah, it turned out I had two mini strokes two nights in a row yeah Jesus just parties odd well what are you going to do but actually it was an overabundance of blood thinner that would lower my

blood pressure to the point where I would just pass out well you said that was in connection with what you had been drinking and consuming. Yes, the combination was not all that good. Was that at the Double P? What? Yeah, I passed out the Double P, too. We walked into the Double P, and it was, oh, Teal Chetty's was doing a Bloody Mary thing,

and they had a whole spread. Oh, I got Teal Chetty's and all that, and I was, oh, Teal Setties was doing a Bloody Mary thing, and they had a whole spread. Oh, I got Teal Setties and all that, and I was sitting in the back of the bar. Well, not when I was there. You were slumped over the bar. And I said, no, no, let me stay. And they were tossing me into the ambulance and hauling my sorry ass off. Yeah. Teal Setties was the afterthought of that night.

I told everybody it was Tio Chetty's. It's the mixer, not the booze. It's the mixer. Don't buy that shit. That is good stuff. Well, you said you're turning 80 in April. Right. On Earth Day.

On Earth Day. Or April 22nd. They named it after me. Yeah. I was here before they created Earth Day. And you're on the patch? Yeah. I mean, you're cheating a bit.

Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Rules are made to be broken. How long have you been not smoking? Or is it just tapering off? Oh, God. I haven't had a cigarette until today for

probably two weeks. But I knew coming over here, it's just, you know, gotta have a cigarette. You're gonna be inhaling it anyway, so might as well have one in your fingers. Might as well just dip my feet in it, man. Well, you

get half a lung removed. Yeah, I had... It's interesting. On the right side, your lung has three sacs or whatever you call them. Like that mulatto girl. Yeah, right.

And then on the left, you only have two. So when, fortunately, they caught mine, I'd had a scar on my lung since I was a kid. I'd had a combination of bronchial pneumonia and whooping cough at the same time. And it left a little scar in my lung, just a little tad. But they've been keeping an eye on it forever. So when they noticed that growing, they just, you know, grabbed me and came on in.

So what they did is they went in and removed two of the sacs or whatever you call them. And then left just the one. And so I was fortunate I didn't have to go through any chemo or anything like that. And so it's fascinating because then the one sack or whatever you call it. Loaves. Yeah. Well, you got two lungs, but one of the bags or whatever in this three-bagger right-hand side spread out and filled it up. Oh, there.

Thank you very much. Yeah. Well, let's up. Oh, there. Thank you very much. Yeah. Well, let's see. See, okay. You see there's three on what would be our left, but it would be the right. Looking at it, yeah, on the left. Yeah. And then on the right, there's just two.

Yeah. Which is really the left. But anyhow, so what happened is they removed all those, and then the one that's left fills the whole thing. I thought it was pretty interesting. So it actually grows to, like, expand in the cavity? It expands, yeah. The one sack or whatever was left expanded and then filled up that whole cavity.

Isn't that fascinating? That is amazing. It just blew my mind. And did it just do that over time, or did they have to displace something until it kind of filled in the air? I don't know. Is it like those emergency on the airplane, where you just pull the life jacket?

I think that's kind of. If it deflates, can you blow into a little tube off to the side? Could be. Hell, I don't know. But that's, yeah, isn't that, I thought that was pretty fascinating. When Margo showed up today, she goes, yeah, if anything happens like that again, don't call the paramedics. Yeah.

Yeah, really. Just lay me down for a while and let me. My mom was like that when it got to the point she had a knee replacement. It was just, it was worse after was just worse after these things. Your body's running down. And then she fell in a supermarket, and she didn't sue or anything. She goes, I'm old. That happened.

Yeah, I mean, why? Everybody's so goddamn suit crazy now. It's ridiculous. But she said, I'm not getting anything. If that hip is broken, I'm not going under the knife again. She goes, I'm done. And within two weeks, she passed away. I can understand that.

And she didn't break her hip, but she did fracture the something up in there that was close enough that it was like she had his bed written after that. No, she went out the way she wanted to. Not in a hospital. I was a hospice volunteer

for quite a few years. Yeah. I attended bar by night and I was a fabulous hospice volunteer at the end of the day. And the great thing with hospice

is you want to allow people to die in the comfort of their home. That's best. You know, which is very cool. Best case. You know, yeah is very cool. Best case. You know, yeah.

And so I really worked a lot on behalf of people to let that happen. And you're just more comfortable in your own surroundings, for Christ's sake, even if they're weird. Yeah. You know, it's your home. I used to turn up with an old van and I'd have the bed made out in the van

and I'd have you know flowers around there and stuff and I'd take the the hospice patient and plug them into the van and bring them up in the van and bring them around and let them visit their friends or their friends could climb in the van and be with them

yeah and you know in those days they expected hospice volunteers to be little in the van and bring them around and let them visit their friends so their friends could climb in the van and be with them. Take them to the bar. Yeah. And, you know, in those days, they expected hostage volunteers to be little gray-haired ladies, right? And here's this old six-foot-one redhead turning up, and I had a big old leather golf bag, and I had in it – For your dick? Huh?

Yeah, I was a dickhead. No, but I had a bunch of canes in it. Walking canes. Yeah, walking canes and stuff. So I'd turn up and go, okay. Like a caddy for the dying? Yeah, right. This is cool, you know.

And I turn up, they're expecting some little old gray-haired lady, and here I turn up with this big leather. You know, and here, these are canes, and you're going to be changing height and stuff. And I'd say, you know why I'm here? And they go, well, you're a hospice. And I said, you know why you're in a hospice? They tell you to be permitted into hospice or whatever, qualify.

You have six months or less to live is how they determine that. So we go volunteer. And I said, man man this is a time now you can get a late checkout yeah there were there were a lot of people that did late checkouts but you know i tell them this is a time to set the book straight with everybody the people you love tell them you love them and the people that you hate tell them to go fuck off you know and they're just looking at me like holy shit you. And it was really interesting because a lot of the families, they didn't want to face up to it.

So that's why I made a point of saying, you realize, well, you're here. And I tell them, you're in God's waiting room. Because I'm an atheist, but, you know, you know what I mean. Yeah. And it really, it was interesting. one of the worst i ever saw man this guy was an insurance salesman he didn't even have insurance on his wife or any health insurance he was having an affair he was just a creep man that, well, I gave him peace of my mind, which he didn't want to hear. I would want Margo hospice care.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, and I had one of these guys. He was really neat. They named a lot of places after him, and he was, I took him in. It was around Christmas. And you know what's interesting, too, is a lot of those people in hospice kind of choose when they're going to die. They'll wait, like, until a family member visits them

or after a holiday or something that they want to see. And then they'll just kind of fly away. Yeah, my dad did that. I was the last one there. Mine, too. Yeah. Yeah, yeah dad did that. I was the last one there. Mine too. What did your dad do? He had colon cancer.

Yeah. But he was pretty much drugged out of it the last day. But I had filmed a Comedy Central special and I had to take the first bus from New York City to Rhode Island in the morning and when I got there

he opened his eyes the last time and he wanted to see you and that was it and how about your dad? it was the day before my birthday my brother and I, I'm a twin you're a twin? yeah, we took our gals and we went to visit him

and he was in what kind of visit him. He was in California. Southern California. Where in California? Fullerton. Oh, okay. We went there and that's the first time he met my girlfriend Jodi that I met out in the desert with Doug. We did these parties out there. Hey, Dad. nice to see you. My mom's sitting there. Turned around,

left, and we were going out to LA to a party that they were having for us because our birthday was the next day. And my mom called. And I go, I'll take the call.

You guys go get the balloons and the streamers or whatever. They're going into this thing. We're like four miles from where it was. And she said, yeah, he just passed. He was like like he was just

that was it you know and i go right to jody my girlfriend i go you killed my pop i guess he doesn't approve it really was interesting though how they do that yeah i don't know how he figured that out i don't know know how they... Your dad was in... I've seen the picture. Yeah, that's a very sweet picture where he's kissing his forehead. That was nice. He was at home then. That's cool. I had this one guy. They named some places after me.

He's quite a character. And we were... It was Christmas time. And they had this big... big place we were shopping, and they had a great big box with different beautiful canes in it. And he looks at me, and he's walking around. He goes, you know, I could just take this cane and flip it in here

and take another one out. And I said, yeah, you could, you know. So anyhow, we're done. all of a sudden he goes okay I'm ready to check out I'm ready to check out I got my stuff I'm let's roll and I said okay so as we're walking out of the place we're going over towards my van I notice

he's taking this cane and he's flipping it but he's not hitting it on the ground and I went what did you do and he had this beautiful cane. He said, I just threw in my old one and took out the best one I could find. And I said, God damn it. I said, you got me driving the getaway car for, you know, a hospice.

And he was just laughing. He just loved it. He was so pleased with himself. And he had waited. And sure enough, the day after Christmas, he flew away. But he had the fun and joy of stealing

that. And, you know, I'm driving the getaway car, getaway van for a hospice patient. It was just really weird. Well, as you can tell by the doorbells, as we call the dogs, we have a new company.

So let's take a break, and then we'll be right back with Margo and Margo's vocal doppelganger. Please hold. Cocktails. Tom Waits is my doppelganger. Priceless pillow. Priceless pillow Priceless pillow I've been talking about it for weeks And it made my nest complete I added new blankets to it too

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the hat maker and his wife, Lynette, I don't know, like his wife, Lynette. She was our lady of rubber.

She made rubber stamps. She was a really tricky girl. Did you say our lady of rubber? She called herself our lady of rubber. Really neat people. And then they, you know how they met?

Tap dancing, for Christ's sake. We're back on, by the way. Oh, yes. That's all right. But anyhow, it was just so sweet. But he never let anybody know that she'd been in the hospital and that she was ill. And I mean the horror. So I wish he'd have shared it with us because he said he went in that hospital

and she was just covered with bed sores and things like that and they just were not taking care of her in the hospital but i just feel so bad that gran didn't share that with with me or us or whatever and that's the problem with a lot of us we just don't like to ask for help. You know? Yeah. I remember one time when I bought my first place here in Bisbee, or one of them, and it was up a bunch of steps, and I had a wood stove, which I couldn't haul any wood because my back was out.

And I'm literally crawling on my hands and knees into the toilet and chopping ice off the top of the toilet bowl. And I'm too stupid to call my friends, which I did have back in the day, and say, hey hey I need some help what makes us so stubborn or stupid not to admit that we need

help I'm like that I never ask for help I never ask Chaley to fix my cable or Bingo to make me a drink or Chad to kill a guy I'm that way i'm that way but i know why it's because i'm afraid that somebody else will ask me for help at some point so i'm trying to make it let me see your hands you don't do very much hard work man look at those

look like a car dealer i do i do less hard work than a car dealer. I said a car dealer. I do less work than both of them put together. Look at those hands. I used to be a mechanic. They used to be rough. But now I'm just lazy.

What do you do? Nothing. Literally. You just wait on Doug over here, huh? Yeah. Are you Dougie's gopher? No. No, I don't think so. Have you never met Margo before?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Back when he was dealing cars. To car dealers. Yeah, she was saying how she got, the last time we played the Royale, she got recognized by her voice.

Chad gets recognized a lot just from his voice being on the podcast. Yeah. But I get recognized as you. That's the problem. Oh, I thought you were Margo. Well, I've got a pollen plantation in my throat. Yeah, you didn't always have that voice.

No, no, but I had it operated on once, and I thought, that's it, man. I'm not going through that BS again. Yeah, for what? That's kind of your signature. Yeah, yeah. Why would you get rid of that? Well.

Perfect. Well, I was trying to sound feminine, but I've had so many people call up and say, oh, somebody told me to call Margo here. And I'm going, well, I sound like a man, but I'm a woman. Yeah, well, the first time I called him, Mikey Palmer, I bought my house from you. You were selling real estate. But he warned me ahead of time. But then when I was having, you know, bank people were having house from you. You were selling real estate. But he warned me ahead of time.

But then when I was having, you know, bank people were having to call you. Oh, yeah. Oh, I accidentally called her, sir. I go, don't worry. She gets it all the time. Oh, I'm so used to it. I just go, it's okay.

I sound like a man. It's all right. You know, he is such a statesman. Who's that? Oh, Mikey Palmer. Yeah, he just called me. He is such a statesman. Who is that? Oh, Mikey Palmer?

Yeah, he just called me. He's getting some, what do you call it, experimental treatment for his Parkinson's. He is? Yeah. Wonderful. He's like one of 35 people that get selected to do this for Parkinson's, and they've done these studies in the past and are really successful. Oh, that's excellent. He is such a lovely man.

I just adore him. Do you get tired of having these conversations at your age where all your friends are like, oh, what'd you get replaced? Oh, they're putting a chip in my head to help my Parkinson's. Oh, shit, I'm telling you, it's just amazing. We're all spare parts these days. I mean, really. I mean, I get to go out, and it's like, okay, where are my teeth?

Okay, where are my hearing aids? Where are my glasses? You know, I've got pain pills in case my back goes out. I mean, it's nuts. But I'm here to piss and moan about it, so... You're a ghost of Christmas future.

Yeah. I am the future. You give us all hope. Yeah, there you go. That kid behind you this morning was 25 years old. He was fetal position in the shower, throwing up all over the place, thinking he was going to die. Oh, niggle.

Yeah. Now he's seeing you, thinking, no, maybe I'll live another day. There you go. I tell people I owe my longevity to a sense of humor. As I told you earlier, marijuana and tequila. I have all of those. See? You're set.

There you go. You're set for life. You're set, baby. see there you go you're set for life you're set baby and everybody says we we just you don't just what was they're saying we talk about a longevity now you don't say old age oh i'm enjoying my longevity well i've been enjoying being longevity for decades since I was 5 10 and 12 I guess that depends on your sense of humor too because my grandpa my grandparents are in their mid-80s and every time I go visit them my grandpa's come here let me show you how to start my boat so when I croak you know how to start the boat he's always telling me. All my friends are dead. He's always just telling me. It's no good for him.

I swear to God, such a humor will keep you kicking for, you know, piss your friends off, too. It makes you feel good. Yeah. We were talking about this before we started about going a safe way. People, everyone in town knows you. Yeah. And, you know, the voice.

The voice of the high. Yeah. You know, and it's like the dreaded, there's no way I can whip in and out of Safeway, and I call it the dreaded Safeway. But, so one time I thought, man, I just don't want to deal with anybody. And I put on the weirdest outfit.

It was so bizarre. I was embarrassed to wear it. But I got in and out of Safeway because nobody wanted to admit they even knew me. It was just they looked at me and they'd invert their eyes. Oh, God, I hope she doesn't talk to me. Margo went off the deep end. I don't want to deal with that shit today too scary for everybody man that was so funny but it's when you can't remember more people know you than you can remember yeah it is and and you know i'm getting old i'm know, my memory ain't what it used to be. And, I mean, I remember when I would sell someone a property, I could remember the name of all their kids.

I remembered who their lender was. I knew, you know, what schools and all that. Now, they come up, hey, and I've sold their kid's property. And they come up and go, hey. And I'm going, I know your face, but I'm sorry. I admit it. I'm sorry. I can't remember your name. I'm old. You know, and they accept that. Yeah. And, you know, another thing was back in the day when kids would be walking down the street,

you know. You know how young boys always got to act like they're really tough motherfuckers yeah you know they're walking along and they're saying you know the f word and all this stuff and they're spitting in the street and being real real cool you know and i walk up and say hey how you kids doing you be sure to tell your parents margo said hello and boy they would straighten right up parents, Margo said hello. And boy, they would straighten right up. I had no idea who they were or who their parents were.

Boy, they were just like straight up. Yeah, absolutely. It was so funny. And it worked every time. They just knew I knew their parents and I was going to tell them what little turd balls they were. I knew their parents and I was going to tell them what little turd balls they were.

This is good. Sure was. Help yourself. Tell us when you need more ice. Oh, no. This is just perfect. Yeah, we'll go to Safeway and people will... Well, we went to...

I guess we were playing New York last where we ran into three different couples that had visited us here just randomly. Hence the security cameras. And two of which had stayed overnight in the guest house. All right. Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing. I've had that happen. Remember that time we stayed up at your guest room up over the garage, and I'm going, oh, sure.

And I have no effing clue. Just admitting that you're old, that seems like a good, you know, to diffuse it. Stan Hope uses I'm drunk in the same way. Well, I tell my old fartess. I'm a fartess. It's feminine. Right? That's, you know, what is really funny is I feel I really am feminine,

but I just don't look or sound like it. I feel the same way about being masculine. You don't look or sound like it either. Not in the least. I feel like I fake it good until somebody calls out my soft hands. Oh, yeah. Well, they are, honey.

I'm telling you what, man, I don't know. Those hands are softer than somebody being milked at a cow. I wouldn't milk a cow. Ew. He is feminine. I'm a fan of naps. You were married

in a long-term relationship? Okay, my first husband was Stanislaw Miklos Karpinski. And he was 18 years older than me. Easy to Google. Oh, yeah, no problem. And he was a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot in World War II.

He was 18 years older than me. bomber pilot in World War II. He was 18 years older than me. Then my second husband was MIT and Maine maritime, and he was six years younger than me. So I'm a very generous-natured woman when it comes to the age of my life. But I do like them with some brains. What's the last one? What, the one with brains? What was your last squeeze? Oh, God.

It's been so long, I forgot. I meant like a regular one. Regular squeeze? Not just some Elmo's After Dark guy. Oh, not not. Talk about back door man. I love back door man. I'll tell you why. Please do. You don't

have to worry about the table manners. I mean, when I meet a gentleman and I'm interested in him, the first thing I learned decades ago, never go out to dinner with him. Go to lunch with him first. You find out if they have any fucking table manners.

Really. You know, I mean, if the guy can't even sit, takes a fork and scratches his ear with it. You understand what I mean? I don't want to be hanging out with that dude. What's your definition of a backdoor man? It's a lover that comes in the backdoor and that we scratch each other's itches, but I certainly don't want to be seen in public with him.

All right, well, you know how the kids could miscalculate what you mean by a backdoor man in today's day and age of Pornhub and YouPorn and PornPorn. MornPorn. That's a backdoor backdoor man. You got to say it twice for it to be. All right. We're talking about anal.

Oh, don't let the door pitch in the ass. There you go. There's a lighter around here somewhere. It's right in here. Oh, good. I always keep the lighter in the doodle. Good work. For a non-smoker, you're a good smoker.

Yeah, I am. Yeah. for a non-smoker you're a good smoker yeah i am yeah well like i say i started smoking when i was 12 and 5 foot 10 and they said the smoking would stunt your growth so it could have been andre the giant and look at you yeah right but i don't have i didn't have the giant toads. But I would go in. My mother smoked Lucky Strikes. They were a red pack. Red pack. So I'd go in, and I'd steal her Lucky Strikes.

And I was raised in a citrus orchard. So we'd go in underneath the citrus tree, and I'd smoke cigarettes and figured it would stop my growth. So thank God I smoked all those cigarettes. I could have been, instead of 6-1, I could have been 7-1 for all you know. I mean, really. Was that in California? Yeah.

Yeah. Southern California. Fontana, California. Yeah, yeah. Kaiser Steel Town. Mm-hmm. And I used to run around with the Purdue Angels. That's a motorcycle gang.

Mm-hmm. What is the Purdue Angels compared to the Hells Angels? Well, they were the same, but San Bernardino, the Hells Angels. But they were really just a bunch of guys that worked at... Oh, that was the chapter, Purdue, San Bernardino, they call it, Purdue. Yeah, I guess that's what we call it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that they were mostly just factory workers in ex-military,

and they were a bunch of really nice guys. You know, one thing when I... I was in a motorcycle accident with my first love, Dexter Shields was his name, April 11, 1957. And I was in college. I got out of high school early because they didn't want to see me hanging around. And we were following somebody home, and the guy signaled for a left, and Dexter went to pass him on the right, and the guy swung.

He had the lights on going for a left, but then he swung in front of us. From the second lane over? And the last thing Dexter said to me was, let go. That's when you wrote opinion pad and there wasn't a bar on the back. What's an opinion pad? Opinion pad is like a Kotex.

Oh, buddy pegs. Buddy pegs? Just a back seat. Like a black Kotex pad kind of deal. There you go. Now I know what you're talking about. Put it in terms

of feminine products and then I'll figure it out. Okay. Picture a black feminine pad but without a backrest. Okay, yeah. Boy, the days of feminine pads a backrest. Okay, yeah. There you go. Boy, the days of feminine pads with backrests. Remember those? Comfort.

So anyhow, I flew off, and I ended up rolling underneath the front and back wheels of the car. Damn. Got up and went back there, and he was lying there, not looking too good. Dexter was. Dexter was not looking too good. And I yelled at him, are you okay? And he looked up, and he saw me there, and he smiled, and he flipped his head over, and then all this blood came spurting out of his ear.

And they could hear me a couple blocks down the street. How old were you at that time? I was 17 on April the 11th, and I would have turned 18 on April 22nd on Earth Day. And it really helped me form my ideas about the concept of the hereafter and all that kind of jazz. And Dexter had a three-year-old son that his wife had left him with. And I remember the little boy, he used to like me, he used to like to brush my hair, you know.

And he'd say, Margo, where's Daddy? Is he sleeping with you? Oh, my God. And I told him no he's just sleeping outside and he was keeping an eye on both of us what the hell do you tell a kid

sorry for my quick absence there don't use the red wastebasket in the main house bathroom I just did a Niko why didn't you use the toilet the other end was on the toilet I just did a Nico are you serious? why didn't you use the toilet? the other end was on the toilet I guess I didn't have to tell you that

having a white porcelain god yeah I'm not a puker but this weekend evidently mounted up on me on us both I think the weekend mounted you Yeah, I'm not a puker, but this weekend evidently mounted up on me. On us both. I think the weekend mounted you. I just remembered we're not supposed to use that toilet.

It's still leaking. You did a push me, pull me. Yeah, push me, pull you. I learned that from Joey Diaz. He's a friend of ours. He's a comedian. When I first met him, he was hosting a show in Boulder, Colorado. Yeah, I had the push-me-pull you flew this weekend.

You know the kind where you don't know which end to aim at the toilet? Oh, God. That's funny. Oh, God. Welcome back. Yeah, I'm glad you came back just in time because we were just chit-chatting, nothing really heavy. Sounded like a good time to come in heavy with a vomit story. Two sentences away from crying.

I'm crying, but that's kind of reflex action. Is that staunchy stinky? I hit the mouthwash before I came back. Don't worry. Doug, I have to say, thank you, Margo, for hosting. The last time we were at your place, you were hosting the Kentucky Derby. She does every year. And you put on a great spread. We had a fantastic – we dressed up.

We love it. I don't think we've ever been there. I've never been there for a party. I know Doug and Bingo probably have. We had a fantastic time, and I really appreciate you extending an invitation to us. Oh, that was such a blast. My friend Gary Lee Redman, I call him Mr. Glee, and his daddy used to sell those mint julep things,

and he would come down with all this great mint julep stuff. Oh, my God. That was the first time I had a mint julep things, and he would come down with all his great mint julep stuff. Oh, my God. That was the first time I had a mint julep was this year at your party. I'd never had one before. Aren't they fabulous? You know what? This year's Kentucky Derby, speaking of more poop stories, because they always fly on the podcast,

we all pick the horses. You pick randomly like we do squares here. Right, right, right. And Bingo won money but had left because she had to shit and didn't want to shit in your house. So she walked down from your house all the way down to Elmo's to shit. Are you serious? Right before the race.

Right before the race. And then she won money. Because what did they do? Everyone put in money and you got to blind draw from a hat. Right. For the number of the horse. Yeah. And Bingo got the favorite.

I think she got the... Or the place horse. I don't know. Whatever it was, she was in the money. And then we refused to take the money because you must be present to win. Must be present to win. Well. the money and then we refuse to take the money because you must be present to win. Must be present to win. Well, it's a great

party. The first one, when we first moved here, you had your old place and you, oh no, you had a place that you sold right on the main drag for the derby races, but you sold the house with the...

To Hans Dekos and Darkese, Hans and Darkese Dekos. And they said, after they bought it, they said, okay, what's, you know... Yeah, the stipulation was... Okay, what haven't you told us about your place? And I said, well, you got to expect a lot of people up here for the derby races. Fourth of July. Fourth of July. Coaster races.

Yep, yep. They used to be fucking crazy, though. Like, they're all safe now. But people died in that. Yeah, they did. Spectator. Yeah, spectators. Yeah.

That's on Tombstone, right? Is it? Tombstone Canyon. Yeah, that's down That's on Tombstone, right? Tombstone Canyon. Yeah, so it's down from where you live now. Yeah. That was just a great spot. Were you around when they were dangerous? The races? Yeah.

Because it was pretty tame by the time we moved here. We've been here for 13 years. Well, it was just really exciting. They'd come down and whip it around that corner there. Especially after the deaths. Then it got really exciting. It was awful. Now that I think of it, because you were talking about,

oh, you sold me a house, because I had never met you. I bought that house, having only looked through the windows, this house, the main house here, and I went back to L.A. That's the way I like to sell property. Specialist biscuit.

Sight unseen. I am the easiest sale ever. I don't test drive cars because it's a fucking new car. It's going to drive great. Four years from now, when I realize it's a piece of shit, it's too late.

Yeah, that's what I like about selling real estate. But I came up to you because, again, I knew the voice and you were, I don't know if it's the Copper Queen, or you were in some place where I heard your voice and I went out and I bought a bottle of champagne and I brought it to you and said, thanks for, you sold me this house and you had no fucking idea. Oh, okay.

No, thank you. That's very sweet. Which property was it? Yeah, well. Yeah. You know, it was really funny. Now, I call my front porch the truth serum porch, in a sense, because

as a realtor, I didn't want to hear everybody's personal story because I was just cruising for a bruising and looking to get sued. I mean, everybody wants to sue a realtor

or sue somebody. And so I just never asked any questions. But now that I'm no longer a realtor, I can sit and ask people personal questions that I didn't ask them before. So that's why I call it the truth serum porch. And people will just tell me wonderful things that I am okay with now.

But it's almost... Without a name, give us a good one. Without a name, give us a good one. Without a name, give you a good one on... That's not going to come back to haunt you. Oh, well, then I can't tell you anybody's name.

I believe in being haunted. Now, it's just it's really interesting learning about people that I was quite curious about. And they could sit and tell me these things and it's okay. You know. Yeah, we kind of have that here. Everybody here's got some fucked up story.

That usually happens after 10 p.m., especially after a football game. And the good thing is that everybody here is so drunk they forget what you said the night before. Well, here's the booze. Boozing and cruising, baby. It's a booze. Yes, it's a... Boozing and cruising, baby. It's a confessional.

Yeah. What are you going to have done with you when you're croaked? When I croak? Yeah. Well, I'd kind of like to have myself Jimmy Carpenter I don't know you probably don't know Jimmy Carpenter but he was quite a character

oh Carver not Carter Carpenter oh Jimmy Carpenter no Jewish Carpenter I'm doing an old person podcast now what jewish carpenter oh that guy he jimmy carpenter said i'd like to put my goddamn body in the middle of the gymnasium and blow it up

my brother and i always said we wanted to get each other stuffed. Whoever died first gets the other guy stuffed and uses him as a coat rack. When you come into the house, you hang your coat up on the outstretched hands. Oh, I like that. Yeah, it's not legal, but a lot of things aren't. There are some things that aren't illegal. I'm saying a lot of good ideas aren't legal. You just have to have a buddy.

You know, there's a lot of handymen in town. They're not licensed taxidermists, but they're handy. You're not going to look that good no matter how much experience they have. God, that fucker. Do you know that weird tow truck driver? God, that fucking... Do you know that weird tow truck driver? Tow yard down there by the veterinarian over in San Jose? He's got a tow yard.

Bingo got her car towed, and we went to pick it up once years ago, and he goes, oh, did you want to come inside? He's got like a full museum of taxidermied zebras and fucking ostriches, bears, and fucking everything. Did he have a giraffe? Wait, did he do it? Just leave that open.

I forget. Yo, man. Oh, yeah. Did he do the taxidermies? Or the cross-eyed hyena? He shot the animals. He killed the animals. Oh, he. Did he do the taxidermies? Or the cross-eyed hyena? I don't know, but Bingo... He shot the animals. He killed the animals. Oh, he had them done.

Because you went back there with your family to show them, didn't you? Yeah, and then I took Alex and Steve. All right. Yeah, he loves showing them off. And it's one of those things where you go, I'm so against what you're doing, but I'm still going to look. you go, I'm so against what you're doing, but I'm still going to look. You have to go to fucking Nairobi and fucking kill a beautiful animal and just keep it out in San Jose in some fucking living room no one ever sees.

It's just desperate. First of all, I just had to give you like $180 to get my fucking car out of here, and now you're going to give me a tour. I guess it is some kind of a plan. I can save you money. I can get you up to Rooster Codburn's and get an ostrich just right off the 10. There's another large person arriving.

That's Neighbor Dave. Neighbor Dave is here. I forgot it's Monday Night Football, so that'll go on soon, Neighbor Dave, but make yourself at home. Well, button it up. Let's get everybody at home. Button it up, he says.

I'll drink to that. Cheers to you. Salud, mi compañero. Salud. I'm just going to take a small sip as I have a little squirrely belly. Salud, dinero y amor y tiempo para gustarlos. Oh, you're stealing Chad's job. Carlos.

You're stealing Chad's job. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. I love that quote. I know. We learned it from you. Say it all the time. I think you said that on the first podcast you were on. Back when you got here and you had your... You're dressed up and your lipstick

on and you go, do I get in an actual pod? Well, I'm just a dumb broad, you know. That's when she twirls the back of her hair. I'll tell you, there is such an advantage to people thinking I'm a dumb broad.

I'll always play dumb. It gives me the big edge, man. Perfect. Here's to being a dumb broad. I don't think anyone has to, I don't think you have to play with that anymore around here. You're a fucking god in this town. A god death.

That's feminine in case you didn't notice. You're very feminine, my love. Thank you. I'm glad you came out. It's been a while. No, I mean, came to the funhouse. I'm glad you're here. It's been too while. No, I mean, came to the fun house. I'm glad you're here. It's been too long.

Almost five years since you've been on the podcast. I didn't know we were doing it that long. I told someone yesterday that I think we've been doing this three years. Yeah, you were. I think he's still wrong. He's still wrong. Yeah, it's 2013 we started. I mean, no one's been out.

It's her. It's almost five. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no one's been out. It's her. It's almost five. Yeah, yeah. Is she trying to get you to be her backdoor man? No, she was tapping me on the back because I'm coughing and I pointed at the weed pipe for her. She said no, no. There's edibles too.

No, no, no. She can't. She told us the medication doesn't work good. Well, it should be a fun. She told us the medication doesn't work good. Well, it'd be a fun way to close out the podcast is to have her slouch over the bar again. Oh, thanks a lot, my little pal. Jeez. You know I worship you. Yeah, well, get down on your knees and show me.

I'll save it for a safe way. Easy, big fella. I think, do we need to do another break? No, no, let's do a police beat. You want to do a police beat, Chad? Always. or we wrap? No, no, let's do a police beat. You want to do a police beat, Chad?

Always. There's a few marked off on here. Can I do a police beat? Absolutely. You'll do dueling police beats. Let me find one that's marked. Our new cub reporter in the street. I'm being set up. Do you want to just hand this one, Doug?

Why don't we just go back and forth? You cross out the one you do. No, Doug, Chad, go back and forth? Cross out the one you do. No, Doug, Chad, you start. And then cross out the one you do so she doesn't... Do you need my readers to figure out your readers? I just have to figure out how to tag them, motherfuckers. Okay, now I need...

You're going to share that because I highlighted the good ones. I'll go first, and then I'll throw it to you. Oh, he's going to toss it to me, toss it to me. Okay, now we have Chad Shank, our on-the-spot crime reporter, in the fields out on the mean streets of Bisbee. What's going on in the Bisbee police beat this week, Chad? Doug, a caller said his neighbor, who appeared intoxicated,

had come to his house and accused him of being a peeping Tom. Tough times. Slippery slope. Mean streets. And your new protege, Margo Wallenberg, what's going on on your side of Bisbee? A caller said I have a Lena family with two adults and two babies.

I've been frequenting the lot next to the old Moore's Grocery between midnight and 3 a.m. Midnight and three, noted. Hey, if you're out between midnight and three, be very, very careful of the javelinas and its babies. Chad, what do you got? A woman

said a person she knows had head-butted another one of her acquaintances. You know what? When heads are outlaws, only outlaws will have heads. All women are outheads or outlaws or outhouses. You're drunk, Margo. What's wrong with that?

I would be, too, if I hadn't thrown up three whiskey Cokes. Okay, we're going to go to Margo right now in the field. An elderly woman who was very upset called to say her caretaker hadn't arrived. Oh, Chad, if you could just put a sultry spin like that on your reeds. Give it a shot, Chad. What do you got? That's a fucking tall order. And you are a tall order, baby.

I feel a bit more sexy now. Now it's going to be a not so hard one. A caller reported that a man was flashing his strobe light from inside his house toward the psychic across the highway. A psychic across the highway? Or a sidekick? Or a sidekick? No, a psychic. Sidepiece?

What are they talking about? So Tonto is really pissed off that someone's shining a light in his house? You know that psychic that's on the way to Safeway? There's a sign that's been out there for a million years, and you never see a car out there. There's no customers. Well, would you park in front? I'd park in back.

I wouldn't want anyone to know I went to a psychic. They're scaring away the epileptics with that strobe light. I see a seizure in your future. What do you got for us, Margo? Well, it's kind of kind of Okay. A caller reported that a deer was

lying in the middle of the road and appeared to have been hit. But the responding officer said it got up and ran away. If only Bambi could have ended like that. Chad, what do you got? Mark is reading each one of them. She's not looking at the ones that we selected.

Oh, the highlighted ones. Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to do that. That's all right. I think it's very impressive. I can play back the tape. You're perusing it. Go ahead, Chad. A woman complained...

A woman complained that workers with OB Construction keep urinating at a work site near her house. She said this was the fifth time she had called. Maybe she was drinking a fifth. Or taking a fifth. That's not who's working on your house, Susan Stanhope. No, our urinal is on the fence

and it just goes into the other yard. So, yeah, we pee in our... Everyone pees. Well, the construction workers aren't going to pee in your urinal. That's just rude. I don't want them going in the house. No, they would just pee in the neighbor's yard.

Hence the call. There's a few in there that might be us. Let's see if she finds one. Go ahead, Margo. Well, I'm kind of confused here, but what's new? The blue ones. The blue ones? Any blue ones.

Oh, okay. A man reported that his wife had received three calls from a clan, a clan, oh, oops, man, from a man claiming to be with Publishing's Clearinghouse. He told her that if she sent $153.83 through Western Union, he would send her a big check. Quote, unquote, the big check. Big check. Which I thought, oh,

maybe Tom Kanopka's back to his old work. I love that guy. Tom's great. He's a sweetie. Yeah, he doesn't come around much anymore. I've been meaning to call him. He'll be here this week. Oh, good. Let's give him a collective scene phone call right now.

Collective scene phone call. Yes. Can he even call collect anymore? Do you have his phone number? Yeah, I got his number. Oh, good. Let's give him. I'm serious. What Margo wants, Margo does. We can wrap it up. This will be good. Okay, go Chad, I'll get the phone ready.

Wrap it up with the last few. And finally, a caller said she witnessed a man kissing a boy about 12 years old and not in a fatherly way. I guess that depends on who your father was. Like open mouth? Is that code? Catholic.

P. A Catholic way or a fatherly way? Oh,lyn. Catholic. P. A Catholic way or a fatherly way? Oh, a father. I get it. Oh, it's a Catholic way. That's a given. That was the police beat. Thank you, our new cub reporter, Margo Wallenberg, and, of course, Chad Chang with the police beat.

There were a couple others. There was one about fireworks being ignited, and I go, oh, that could have been us. No one knows that, Doug. We can save that for another one. Because I already said that there's a few that might be us. But one was fireworks, because I remember someone, I threw a full bag of fireworks in a fire pit. And then there was another one about shooting. Someone shooting at the old Bisbee firing range again.

Remember when Joby was out there blowing up explosives and Kenny said he could hear it from the golf course? You mean Castle Rock Kenny or... Yeah. There is no other. Castle Rock Kenny, a.k.a. Cold Cut Kenny, a.k.a.

Curbstone Kenny. We were getting this. He has a history of nicknames. Curbstone Kenny. We were getting... I like that. He has a history of nicknames. Curbstone Kenny. Cornhole Kenny was what I had him in my phone. Oh, Cornhole Kenny. That's not nice. Well, no, it's a game.

It's a game. You throw the B-word. I know our relationship. Wow, you don't see where backdoor man might have a double entendre with anal, but cornhole all of a sudden. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what about a homeless man was sleeping in the rose garden

next to the church? Hang on, Tom, are you there? I can't hear you, sir. Tom, you're on speakerphone, you're on the podcast with Margo Wallenberg. She demanded to drunk dial you. Margo! This is a She demanded to drunk dial you. Margo. This is a collected

season phone call, honey. He's talking to you, Margo. I don't want to hear it. I just want to smoke another cigarette. He's doing impressions of you. She can't really hear you, Tom. When Margo comes into Roka,

she stands up and she starts to walk outside. She says, Don't tell anybody I'm going to go outside and get some smoking. It stunts your growth. I love you, Margo. We're going to go back to Vegas and hit the poker tables.

She's a counter and I'm a mechanic. You can't lose. We love you, Tom. We were just talking about you on the podcast that we miss you. But I'll see you this week. Who loves you, baby? I love you, Margo. Peace to all the killer termites.

All right, we'll see you soon. Peace out. Love you, Tom. He said that every time you come into Roka, you'll sneak out and go, I need to go get some smoking in me. It stunts your growth. He's just telling the story that you were telling about smoking stunting your growth.

See, I don't lie. You don't? Often. Real news. You just don't remember the truth. The truth is so easy because you don't have to remember it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to fucking sweat anything.

And if you don't remember anything, you don't have to give a shit about the truth. I'm going to have to take your word on it. I'll drink to that. Cheers, Margo. We love you. That's the podcast. This should be a Christmas as far as anyone's concerned. Merry Christmas to all of

you out there who give a fuck. We don't, but we'll be drinking with you. Thank you, Chad Shank, Chaley, Margo, and our cast of characters in the background. I'm going to go clean a wastebasket. God bless us, everyone. Yeah!

That's a fun one. That was very dangerous. Great. Now I'm officially on the team. You've got to put a quarter in it before you can see it. I did that right there. I just switched teams. Yeah, we should have had a camera.

I love you, baby. Yeah, you're wonderful. I really do. Close photos on. Thank you. Bye.