The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #295: The World According To Gump

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

What the hell is up with Gump? Gump about to fuck up his current living situation and Doug and Chaille try to figure out what the hell is going on. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Jan 21st 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Gump (@The**GUMP**), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by **PricelessPillow.com** – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to www.PricelessPillows.com and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase.  [Stanhope Store Merch](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) - New Podcast Coffee Mug, VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope" and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - . [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - Check out Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to merch Doug Stanhope merch Doug Stanhope podcast merch Doug Stanhope dot com merch merch because I never plugged the merch and that's what keeps Chaley editing this and Tracy pouring drinks for this and it keeps it going

so merch buy merch books and DVDs and things I don't know. I don't fucking buy them. What are you? I'm not. That would be weird. I'll buy your merch.

What do we got to push, Tracy? Tracy, we got a podcast T-shirt special. It's a podcast T and a signed paperback of this is not fame. It's a limited supply. We have OG, which I think what how do you say that morgan murphy og is uh a a cultural appropriation we were never gangsters and we've never been original og old how about old old podcasties original podcastes. How about original podcast tees? Okay, they're original, but they're not OG.

I thought OG was original gangster. All right. Limited sizes. That's why we're trying to fucking shuck this off. So, hey, if you want a black T-shirt, you better be an XL. If you like the oatmeal like me, oatmeal colored. I love that. Mediums are included. XLs are also.

And the 2X. Hey, oatmeal is slimming. I mean, if you eat it. Only $10. And podcast mugs, coffee mugs. It's the fucking best merch to sell because people use it every day. I mean, I know a lot of my fans wear the same T-shirt every day, but a coffee mug. It's the white with black podcast design, and it comes with two podcast slash death pool coasters and one fun house mug rug.

Funhaus mug rug. And I like how Tracy wrote Funhaus mug rug rather than hand-crocheted Tracy the bartender coaster. Because they're square, though. And I shit on them for fun. But you don't like the coaster she makes because you're afraid drinks are going to tip over. But not with a mug. It's heavier. Heavy mug yeah yeah one one per mug oh don't believe believe me people like the fucking crocheted coasters i just think it's silly it's very silly it's very silly no it's not silly to it's silly to watch you sitting here getting hammered with us, but you're crocheting like you're some elderly woman. It's fucking funny.

And someone just said something that, oh, this, you just put it in front of my face. For the magnetic signs, we gave out the burner number. This is just for reactions to the magnetic signs that we put on my stupid. It's a Ford whatever. Transit. Transit. We call it a shuttle bus. It's a six seat, looks like a shuttle bus you'd have if you had

a 12 room motel. Yeah, it looks like an airport shuttle and it's bright red and we're making up these signs and you guys are making up these fantastically funny signs to put on the side of it. So when I drive to Safeway and around town or wherever I go. I saw it at Firestone today because you were getting the tire. What were you doing? We got a burner phone number.

I knew it was yours, though, because i saw the mortuary and barbecue i can't put i can't put a picture of the sign up because you guys don't fucking listen uh our friend sent us a sign it says uh inman's barbecue and mortuary with a full color picture picture of a side of ribs on it that says a funeral special 899 dollars includes casket casket meat and sides we cater to sides and he actually put james inman's real phone number on it which is funny for people who might call because they're curious when they see it in a fucking, you know, Safeway parking lot. But we go, we can't do that. So we got a burner number that we're going to put on the science because we want to play. We want them to put it on the science.

This is your job. I have my own ideas that Tracy's making up as we speak. But yeah, I want you to send us magnetic car signs. Just Google it. And yeah, they're cheap. They're fucking cheap. The one who did the mortuary one, it's Wally. I'm going to contact him.

I'm going to contact him, and I'm going to pay for him to redo it with the correct number. Because I love that one. And if it doesn't say the local area code, everyone out here has a 520. That's the area code out here. And that's our burner phone number. So we got to put it on there so people will call it. Yeah, the point is we'll never be able to hear the feedback of curious people calling all these. I'm going to do Bisbee.

Rodent Dentistry is one. But we want to hear the feedback. The burner number is not for you to fucking call drunk. We don't answer it. We don't monitor it. Yeah, it just transcribes the message. Yeah, if it's not about that, we're deleting it. Just play along with us.

Don't be a fucking asshole. We're not going to answer that phone. It's not an answerable phone. It's a burner internet number but we get the messages and don't try to fucking fool us it's like you trying to fool us like you're really taken in by this is like trusting a porn actor to play the part right we're gonna know don't be a fuckhead just let us have our fun and then we make it your fun through the podcast organically and uh yeah and with the burner number we can put pictures

on twitter and social media of the different signs you guys are sending us a lot of them are funny and now we have a burner number that makes it seem legit so what's that number, Doug? 520-223-9018. That, again, as you scramble for a pen in your cup holder in your car and rear end someone, 520-223-9018. That doesn't spell anything because there's a zero in it. Couldn't you just shop around? I did. I looked for it, and the only one available was that one,

and it really does – it spells nothing. Yeah. And with that, if you want to contact me directly, tweet me at Doug Stanhope or at Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. And yeah, fuck with us that way. I read your fucking dumb tweets. I don't respond to them

as much as I won't respond to your fucking desperate burner call. Just have fun with it. And with that, let's play this podcast, shall we? Yeah, I'm only drinking coffee.

Oh. You've been drinking? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I thought this was going to be a sober podcast. Wow, Chaley, I thought you were drinking because you were so geared up when I came in here and you were all animated. No. That's just coffee? Yeah. No, this is my

six o'clock. This is my second cup. It's not ketamine? Hey, don't send me drugs in the mail. I've said this before, and I'm not saying that with a wink. I'm saying, seriously, don't mail me drugs. Someone mailed me some drugs, and I appreciate this, but I don't need the problems. I don't... Yeah.

And generally, you don't. It's a crime. It's a crime you don't. It's a crime. It's a crime. We don't want you in trouble and we don't want Doug to get in trouble. Or the person who takes the drugs that goes, someone sent you what? I'll take it. Go, alright,

have it. And then they fucking go haywire and leap off a 12-story building in downtown Bisbee that's one of the stickers I wanted to get for the shuttle bus is a Bisbee elevator repair

there's no fucking elevator in this town actually there is I think there is one at the old Lyric Theater but the real estate office yeah Actually, I think there is one at the old Lyric Theater. The real estate office? Yeah. I think so.

But I might be wrong. It's two stories. Escalator repair. Escalator repair. And then I thought, all right, now this is already a Hedberg joke, so fuck the whole idea. Hello, bingo. Hello. joke so fuck the whole idea hello bingo there's a there's a mic open if at any point you want to chime in because we're having to do a uh we're calling this the straight truth podcast aka the fucking what's gump hiding in there but we're doing an intervention on gump and this is a last

minute replacement podcast because the bullshit podcast that was we were so proud of our friends that are in a bit of a pickle and they did a pot we did a podcast where we didn't actually address the elephant in their room and we did a lot of asides about it but we addressed the problem that precipitated

it and they're in so much shit they had to have a fucking lawyer involved in their entertainment career and he's like don't put it out even with the winks and the fucking nudges to what's so yeah we can't put that out and since it's

a couple days to day after tomorrow this has to come out hey how about those fucking horrible outcomes of the don't worry we'll get to you gump you don't have to to tomorrow this has to come out. Hey, how about those fucking horrible outcomes of the... Don't worry, we'll get to you, Gump. You don't have to.

I bet a money line parlay, because both the Patriots and Rams were dogs. And I go... Oh, we're talking football? Yeah. Yeah. So I parlayed on the money line.

You know what? I'm going to tell you how much I bet because it was a big bet for me. I bet $30 to win $147, knowing that if I bet it, I won't win because you don't win a fucking – I won one money line parlay. You bet both of the teams that you didn't want to go to the Super Bowl. I didn't want to see in the fucking Super Bowl. I'm still happy. Now I'm a Patriots fan.

Now you are because? Because the Saints and the Chiefs fucking lost. Yeah, I would have been Saints. If the Saints weren't there, I would have been Chiefs. I'll go Patriots and fuck the Rams. So, yeah, I bet that and I fucking lost and it stunk. Because even though I would be happy if it was Cowboys or the Eagles versus the Patriots or the Broncos, I'd go, oh, thank God the Patriots made it.

But now I'm bummed out. I have to root for the fucking Patriots made it. But now I'm bummed out. I have to root for the fucking Patriots. You know, yesterday being Sunday, the playoffs. Yeah. Playoffs. I sold the Nomad. The second trailer's gone. And I'm so grateful that I could hear you guys talk about football like chit-chat. Because the guy who came to buy, he came from Texas to buy the trailer.

And he immediately said something about the games today. I'm like, oh, fuck. So I just started rattling off. I could go no deeper than one sentence per game per team. And that was enough. That's all you need. That's all you need. At an airport bar, if you can just talk just a basic.

It's like my act. When I have a strong opinion, that's the depth of my knowledge on that subject one breath yeah and people go hey i want you on my libertarian podcast like now i said everything that i know about it and that's probably half of it's wrong so no i but the guy the guy who bought it he's a great guy and i'm glad he got it because he's he's gonna actually work on it and fix it up and get a good deal. But it was one of those things where you do that thing where you don't know who this guy is. He doesn't know who I am.

He drove from fucking two hours past El Paso to get here. So you got to chit chat a little bit. Amarillo. Something like that, yeah. That's further than that. But you got to talk. You got to say something. Yeah, and sports.

And that just worked out really good. Just the rudimentary knowledge. Morgan Murphy's in town, and she said that she would love to go to the Super Bowl, and all the fucking L.A. people in the expensive seats just go to them and just ask them questions about the team and who the quarterback is, because they're just going to buy fucking tickets. So why don't they have a round ball? Why is the ball pointy?

Morgan's a hoot, and she has a place a couple doors down that she rents out. For over a year. Yeah. She comes down to write and decompress or compress us with her decompression. And this week's subject was our little boy Gump here, my son. He's now a proud employee of Safeway when he gets there. Have you asked Gump about that? Gump, do they think that you're Doug's son?

Oh, yeah. Some people do. I told the general manager, I go, hey, listen, my boy is saying he's going to apply for a job here. I just want to throw in a word. He's a very polite kid. He's a Mississippi kid. Yes, sir. No, sir.

Thank you, sir. And he's like, well, you don't find many like that anymore. As he hobbles around on his bad corns, the guy walks like his feet are not on his body. bad corns. The guy walks like his feet are not on his body. He's a big portly hanker for a hunk of cheese egg man guy.

He's like, oh, yeah. And he always recognizes me, but doesn't know why. Yeah, you're here. Are you always here early? I think I'm thinking of someone else. So I didn't know if he'd... But yeah, Gump got the job at Safeway.

And I don't want to say it's because of me, because not a lot of people want to work in this town at all. It's probably his extensive resume probably got him in. It was Christmas is coming up. Those three night courses he did at the cochise community college that helped too my boy's a bit of a fuck up are you gonna refer to him now as like as like you're talking about your son well i we had i want you to i'm sure that we uh talked about this on a podcast when his dad came down yeah i, I wasn't here. His dad's a fuck-up. He's some rural dentist that

probably has some license that's not quite right. That was probably when I was in St. Louis last year. March? Last year? There was a time when I wasn't here. No, it was my birthday last year. Oh, so, yeah.

New Year's. Oh, so it was around this time then. Oh, maybe we were out of... Oh, maybe we were out of town. Oh, we're still out of town. No idea. Yeah. No, because I've never met him. I don't know. The point being, yeah, you'd think, well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Based on a lot of Gump's t-shirts, he's like a fucking NASCAR of motorcycle guy. Like, you're a fucking dentist? You just seem like just a shithead NASCAR pit pass fucking guy. And I go, hey, I'm going to adopt your son. He's like, you can have him. Not even a bargain? No. Not even like some haggling?

No, I don't know. He's drinking free alcohol here at the fun house. I know that you got that broken down orange telephone on the wall there. I wonder if we could make a trade, a swap, even swap. So, yeah, he's technically, I think that's legal. I wish we had a lawyer in the room. It's binding. But, yeah.

Verbal contract, they call it. Verbal contract, right? It's, yeah yeah so he's uh our son yesterday I was scrambling around bingo gave me the fucking high sign of what the fuck I go he's our boy we have to we have to train

him we're gonna take care of him Gump has been living as you know down at Morgan Murphy's house while she's out of town. As a de facto caretaker, you don't pay a nickel in rent. You don't pay for any. You just pay for your cigarettes and your what have yous. And you've been living there for how long?

And you've been living there for how long? Let's say since February or March of last year. You've been living there alone for a while since your wife left you. Yeah. When you were a couple and you came here, we'd have you help out around the house. October 29th, 2017. Yep. October 29th, 2017. And your wife, yeah, she'd get some shit done and you'd sweep for four hours. And I go, he knows how to sweep. That's his strong suit.

He's like a city worker, dude. But then the wife left and then it became apparent that for any problem that anyone might have with your wife, including you, she probably was your de facto parent before I adopted you. Cause you can't do a fucking thing. Gump. What is wrong with you? Gump. I'll agree with that.

Yeah. She, she did carry me a good bit of the ways. It's a fucking Morgan Murphy shows up. Like she's a, she's here as much as she can be and lately she's been working so it's randomly but she hasn't been here for like a month and a half and last time she was here we had to have a sit down with you because of your failure to just maintain the just a small house and your two bedroom yeah. Yeah, two small bedrooms. Two bed and one bath.

About a thousand square feet of fucking I would go over and see you. I only saw you when you're on the porch. I was rarely inside and just go into the porch where Gump goes outside to smoke. There's an ashtray like if there was only one ashtray outside of

fucking Yankee Stadium and no one's cleaned it since their last title. Since the last guy who cleaned it quit. And I just, for some reason, because he's my son, I think, well, that's the only fucked up part of this.

But yeah, apparently, and Morgan was rightfully like, what the fuck is this kid doing? He doesn't have to do anything. And you weren't even working then. This is before Safeway. Oh, no. This was during that last sit down was while I was at Safeway.

There was a period of time where you weren't working, a long period of time. All the time. How long have you been working now? December, I think. No, it's been since. I'm asking you to create a history here because if someone's just got a job,

there's no real money coming in. You've had a job for months or two. It was holidays. I know he's like, yeah, we need holiday staff so have them. Thanksgiving? It was like Halloween around that time. You really don't sweat the details, do you? I don't remember when I got out of there.

No, it was Oh, that ashtray! I meant to clean that! It was the day after Halloween because Valentina drove me down. You were here. She drove me down for my interview. So, like, beginning of November, end of October. That is the end.

That's Halloween. Yeah. It's the beginning of November. I just get a message from my producer that reminded me to say, Gump doesn't even know if he's working tonight. I'm just going to show up and see if I'm supposed to be there or if they'll let me be there. That's how I got a job in radio. I just showed up every day.

He says, well, they don't like you to call in and ask. It's the schedule. I know I could call Evelyn, who works in the pharmacy at Safeway, and go, hey, how do you find out when you're working? And she goes, well, you look at the schedule. But Gump doesn't seem to be on the same program as everyone else at Safeway and go, hey, how do you find out when you're working? And she goes, well, you look at the schedule, but Gump doesn't seem to be on the same program as everyone else at Safeway. Wait, you do work there, right? Yeah, I just haven't been there

to see my schedule. Or I could log in, but I don't remember my user ID to find out the online schedule. God, this kid has a fucking million excuses. You want a fucking Ray Donovan for a fucking politician. Hey, hey gup what's my excuse for this i didn't know my phone was smashed and i couldn't find my shoes works for gup

so this fucking sort of day sort of third day at work It might have been second day at work where I didn't get him the job. But yeah, I put my fucking name out there. Sure. And yeah, I called in sick because I ate a steak that was undercooked. There's no such thing. You don't get undercooked unless it's like rotten. Hold on. How do you know you've suffered some acute food poisoning

when you wake up at 1230 you're lying again I wake up a lot of times during the night and I don't have the realization that I must have as long as the outside that's been exposed to oxygen is cooked

listen when you're talking about meat, it's because hamburger. You're not talking about steak. Yes. That's what he's saying. Steak. For the listener. For the listener.

Yeah. Don't go eating fucking raw hamburger. That's all about being exposed to the oxygen. But the point is, Gump tries to sell me this bullshit. Maybe someone at Safeway will believe you ate undercooked steak, but don't tell me this. From their store.

Where else do you get it? That was a genuine I did not go into work tonight excuse. No kidding. But you try to lie to me. Maybe he was testing it. I don't give a fuck if you try to lie to me. Maybe he was testing it.

I don't give a fuck if you went to work or not, really. But don't try to bullshit me with undercooked steak at the last minute. That you cooked! You cooked your own undercooked food! He left here at like 7 p.m. He's doing overnight stocking shelves, which you can't even fucking do in your own house. We're noticing a lot more dent cans. That's not my job.

Obviously. All right. So the question is, Gump, what the fuck is your problem? I'm lazy. That's honestly, you break it down to one word. We did break it down for far too many hours when we could have been talking about ourselves. Or watching a football game. And the question came down to, is he lazy or is it depression?

Because I understand. I live like you. Good angle. I didn't even... Because most of the time I'm depressed, at least in a way of hangover, depression. But yeah, then you're just frightened into staying in bed. But you just sit over there and fucking smoke weed with Kenny

and you never do shit. Even after last night, we had to do an intervention after the fucking games. I didn't remember this. I didn't know that until you said this. Yeah, I didn't know it until today. You were pickled, and some kid you picked up at the liquor store and brought over because he had a Patriots shirt on. No, he had Massachusetts plates, and Bingo knows him.

And he's only lived here for three months, and he's doing construction, doesn't own a TV, and he's a huge fan. So I said, hey, were you watching the Patriots game? Are you kidding me? I'm working out. months and he's doing construction doesn't own a tv and he's a huge fan so i said hey where are you watching the patriots game are you kidding me i'm wigging out i'm tripping man i'm hung over but it's 50 seconds left in the game in the regulation and he's asking you questions about comedy and like what it's like on the road or something you're like honestly there's fucking less than a minute you've got to shut up you've got to up. And then when it went to overtime, you're like, because you were drunk. You were really drunk at that point. And you're like, if this

goes to overtime, I'm leaving. I'm not going to be here for it. I thought, oh, fuck. He's not going to watch the end of the game. And then you said... Oh, it wasn't because of him. I know. It was because I was barely standing up. You were drunk. You were really drunk. And you said the Patriots win. We're canceling Super Bowl here at the Funhouse.

So I want to remind you that. Canceled. But then you left here and walked somewhere? Well, I went with Gump and Morgan Murphy down at her place. I was worried about you making it to the house. I was worried about Gump living through the night as fucking enraged as Morgan Murphy rightfully was. about Gump living through the night as fucking enraged as Morgan Murphy rightfully was. Because after the last time Morgan was here,

we had to do an intervention about him doing just basic upkeep in the house. Gump showed up with his little alleged girlfriend. She comes down to visit for over New Year's Eve. And they come in the day after they had slept and she's like, I was

I couldn't sleep at all because it's so cold. Gump never turned on the fucking furnace. He couldn't figure it out. He couldn't figure out how to ask someone else to figure it out after he looked at the fridge that's still on the fridge the number to call of the landlord of that property to get doesn't want her pipes to freeze he couldn't figure out

how to call her and i was busy that month or yeah it was freezing over new year's and we had a cold snap we had a couple days of snow and the girl is saying that they had to sleep foot to head together on the couch. Oh, I get it. I get it. Well, in survival camp, the tells would cuddle up. That's the way to stay through the night. You're supposed to put each other's feet and your armpits. Oh, yeah.

That's whatever. I think you added that one. That's a new fetish. It's his new thing. He coined it. So Morgan's coming down this weekend. And the only Rams fan in the world now. She's a bad wagon jumper.

She's going to keep goading both of them. They'll get on a mic eventually. The call's coming from inside the room. I can see you. I have peripheral vision lady i see the fingers i'm staring right at chaley looking at you uh she's like gumpte do i have this do i have that oh no uh all your food is gone all your water is gone all your food is gone. All your water is gone. All your ice is gone. Ice wasn't gone. Well, we got... Because on her way in,

Andrew was here. Thank you, Andrew, for a million things. But he went down and turned on your furnace finally. Oh, good. It's fucking end of January. He's had no heat in there

with directions on how to get the fucking... Just light the pilot light. He's coming over tomorrow to turn it off. He couldn find a handyman he couldn't do this and morgan's coming in and gump is like straining to walk to the corner store to figure out how to get bottled water and with all these other problems unsolved well you know what happens when he goes to get bottled water over at the corner store? The young toughs from the high school pick on him. Oh, yeah.

I remember that. That was the other podcast. Still a problem. Still a problem. They won't leave me alone. We got a karate kid, this guy. Where it comes from. Wax on, wax off. A friend from Tennessee, Mississippi came in.

from Tennessee, Mississippi, came in. Our old friend, Javelina, drove her down, and she goes, yeah, don't believe 80% of what Gump says, because it's all bullshit. Because I don't care when

you're lying, because I don't have to trust you, unlike Morgan Murphy, staying at her house. So yeah, I forget all the stupid lies we catch you in. It's kind of like Derek. When Derek was first an asset here before he became a problem. Yeah, he'd just tell you all sorts of random things that he was psychic.

Remember that? Bingo sleeping. Everyone else is pretending to not be here. I remember Shawcroft was there. Yeah, Shawcroft. He was in love with Shawcroft, and he was a psychic, and then she started... Alright, tell me what... Who was a psychic? Derek. Oh, really? This was before he lived

here. He was visiting. Yeah, I tuned him out years ago. Oh, my God. But yeah, I guess Gumps get a little bit of that bullshit in him. That's not a compliment. Not like Derek. You're not Derek Strong. I don't know. You don't say enough words to be bit of that bullshit in them. That's not a compliment. Not like Derek. You're not Derek Strong. You don't say enough words to be as strong at bullshit as Derek. But we had to give you this whole intervention. We're probably at the...

I am going to trade this coffee in for a scotch. And I need a drink. So I'm going to let you think about it during the break. What the fuck is your problem? It's just a basic thing. She wrote down in magic marker on the fucking dry erase board

on the fridge. Do this, do this, do this. When you're watching someone's house while they're on vacation, there's a list of things like, now make sure this, and the mail comes in, and stuff like that. So, let's get to that list. Yeah, we get to the second intervention today where we dehoarded the gump. We'll be right back. Here's uninspired cocktails.

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you're a drooler like me. It also has a 30-day money-back guarantee, so if you're not satisfied, they'll take care of it. Perfect. Log on to PricelessPillow.com and put in the promo code Stanhope for 30% off. PricelessPillow.com. Don't give me that so-so soda, the same old cola. I want a rock and roller, I want a pop, I want a shh, shasta, I want a taste for that, all the great tastes, shasta head.

I want a pop, I want a shh, shasta, I want a thrill, I want a wow, this ain't all I wanted now, I want a pop, I want a wow This ain't all I wanted now I want a pop, pop, pop I want a shh, shh, shh, stop Oh, and on top of that, I want to add thank yous because we had to ditch the last podcast, but the ones I remember... Oh, the thank yous that you... The one I do remember is P.I. Lee. I don't think I thanked him.

He sent me a mini cassette recorder, the old school mini cassette recorder, because he heard on the podcast that I'm doing these fantastic drives. I fucking love it. I really enjoy just going out and listening to old shit and then rewriting old shit and just focused on the road because I can't drink when I'm driving long distances down fucking back roads and it forces you

to focus and deal with your own mind and that's where the ideas come from and I'm getting too goddamn comfortable and if I'm gonna make a comeback let's get back to Gump bye I already did that thanks Bingo back. Let's get back to Gump. Bye. Don't send us drugs.

I already did that. Thanks, Bingo. I opened with that. Bingo, say, don't send us drugs after I already said you did the ketamine. I did it all. It was delicious. I did it all. It was delicious. No, we always alert the authorities.

That was for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, don't send us drugs because bingo does them. And then comas happen. Okay. Speaking of coma, Gump, what the fuck have you been doing? I mean, you get dumped by the girl that was pretty much in control of your life. She was like a life dominatrix. In control or controlling?

Both. You get a gump in the fucking passenger. Like, you have so many excuses. You still can't get a driver's license. You walk to the corner store, which I can't complain because I send you to the corner store because I'm too lazy to go two blocks for cigarettes, so I send you. But that's kind of an even tradeoff for you doing 10 hours of fucking laundry here and drinking for free. But yeah. We've established that him going to the corner store, he passes the gauntlet of the swing sets where all the young toughs hang out.

Don't forget the skate park. And the skate park. Two ways to go. Either that or you gotta go to Mexico. He's gonna go the wicked long way down fucking across Campbell and down fucking what's that it's a French name I hate that street.

Doo doo doo. He's walking down with his poncho. So Morgan shows up after or at football but she's incensed that you've eaten all her food. You haven't replaced shit. You haven't had the heat turned on. You haven't covered up the swamp cooler where cold air is billowing in. You have to cover it up in the winter.

It's an evaporative cooler that has three sides open to the elements with a filter. It's an open fucking window in the winter is what it is. Exactly what it is. You put a trash bag over and that covers it. He did clean the toilet. He tidied up the main areas, but then I went in right before Morgan got here and I saw his

bedroom and he's a hoarder. He's a broke fucking hoarder of shitty t-shirts. T-shirts that we're going to give to your thrift store, and they're going to throw half of them away because they're unsellable. They're stained. There's holes in them. And he's got garbage bags full.

And I go, there's no time to fix this now. Just put them in a corner away from Morgan's view and make the bed so if she just looks in the room, it looks clean. And then hopefully she doesn't stick her fucking beak in the hallway and see this fucking problem. Around the door. So I'm

giving him shit. Then Morgan shows up so incensed that I'm tired of hearing her shit about his shit. And that goes on to this morning where Morgan's going on again about another thing. And I don't want to throw Gump out because I don't want to hate him. He's a nice kid, but there's something fucking wrong with that kid. And we're agreeing with her.

Sorry, Gump, but we're on her side. But it was just an incessant fucking circular, you know, how Morgan Murphy gets, where they're saying the same shit in a different way over and over. Like, it's... So we went down and we dehoarded Gump. And we go, all right, well, first I sent him for cigarettes. I walked half a block. You do the other block and a half.

And then when he came back, we made him do a fashion show. You're gonna pull out every article of clothing and all those fucking garbage bags and we're gonna give a fucking thumbs up or thumbs down. This is like when your folks catch you smoking a cigarette and they make you eat the pass.

Put it on! Put it on! He's bringing out, like, most of it is shitty T-shirts. And the lot of the shitty T-shirts were like motocross kind of. My dad used to race motorcycles, so he's obsessed with anything motorsports. Apple don't fall far from the tree. You're obsessed with his T-shirt collection. Well, he sent them last year, and I was just like, it's a nice gesture.

I'll just grab one out of a box, put it on when I need something to wear. Not really care what I look like. Well, I think what it is, as we've established, is that when you're there without Morgan Murphy, they used to say this about Kenny and Derek. When Kenny and Derek would take care of this place when we're on the road. Not they, me. I would say this. Oh, well, I thought I would assume you were on the road with me. But we'd hear back regardless of who it's from.

the road with me but we'd hear back regardless of who it's from you know when you're away all they do is sit and play video games and watch prices right and the dishes stack up to the fucking ceiling and they don't do a fucking thing till the minute they hear you're coming home and then for that two hours they scramble to try to get it all done and i some point i realized as long as it's done when I get home, I don't give a fuck. Play video games and get high. I don't give a shit. Well, the problem was that I was living in the little house at the time.

My whole thing was like, well, first of all, be respectful, but other people have to use that main kitchen. So when you come over on day one and cook a pound of bacon in a big fry pan, and that fry pan is still there a week and a half later. Yeah, it's thick with grease. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, come on, guys. Why were you living in a little house? We're getting off track. When I first moved here permanently from Alaska, I was living in the little house. I don't remember that. Alaska. I was living in the little house. I don't remember that. The Bisbee Blue guys were in the... Oh, the baseball guys were down at the

suicide shack. Suicide shack. Yeah, it was just one of those things. I was like, come on, man. There's not many tests or hurdles to get through to be a part of it. But you should do... During that cold snap, Morgan's calling going,

hey, something about wrapping the pipes. I was hammered when she texted me. And I go, I think there's a broken pipe at Morgan's place. I misread it. Oh. But she was worried about having the pipes. Yeah. Because they will blow up here.

It doesn't usually get that cold. And, like, that's a, like, Gump doesn't do fucking anything much less rat pipes god forbid there'd be an urgency to it can't talk can't talk no you can either be part there's a mic open when you snap she went from hand signals to now yep so probably text next tweet she'll tweet morgan murphy's in the room if you haven't figured that out biting her fucking hand to not chime in because she'll be she'll be way too mean and we'll be mean enough but is it a depression issue because i mean after the fucking wife left and you just sit down there all by yourself and go to safeway i don't really know. I mean, I thought that the

overnights were the one thing that would really affect me, like, on a daily basis as far as I just feel like shit. But who am I to say if it's depression or it's just... I don't know. Why can't you... I won't say it like Morgan Murphy.

I'll say it like a kind... Okay, caller. This is a Psychiatry Today podcast. So what is it that makes you not able to put a fucking, just a tarp with a bungee cord over the fucking swamp cooler to stop cold air from blowing in on your fake girlfriend? I wish I had an answer for you. It just slips your mind. Because you go to the refrigerator enough where all the things you're supposed to do are written out by Morgan Murphy for six weeks. And you open that refrigerator door to eat all of her food and not replace it.

And you work at a place that sells all that food. You realize that, right? And a tarp and a bungee cord. Everything is right there. I don't think we carry tarps. Bungee cords I know we have. That's not my house. You do give away free plastic bags, so, I mean, we want to get tit for tat on this.

You know that you are on the verge of being expelled from a free house with absolutely no condition other than you do like three things that are written on the refrigerator and you can't seem to do that. Have you ever lived on your own? Alone. Not with the fucking ex-lady that took care of everything. I have not. You have not.

Do you want to try it? slave you that took care of everything? I have not. You have not. Do you want to try it? Maybe we send Gump out to live on his own for a month and then see how great he is when he comes back to Morgan Murphy's house.

Maybe we make him live in the little house and pay the rent. That's not living on your house. No, pay the rent. Pay the fucking bills. Get the fucking heat turned own. No, pay the rent, pay the fucking bills, get the fucking heat turned on. Oh, we turn the power off and the water off? Yeah, we become the power company and the water company.

And he has to come to us with ID and a deposit. And then we check his fucking references before he can even get heat turned on. He doesn't have a fucking driver's license, but you know what he does have? 45 different excuses for why he doesn't have a driver's license. And most of them start out with, oh, I could get it.

I'm just too lazy to go down. You can't rent property without a driver's license. He takes the Bisbee bus. Only elderly, infirmed, and mentally unstable people take the Bisbee bus. And he was going to take that to Safeway today, five miles away, to find out if he was working because his phone is busted. But it's Martin Luther King Day and the bus doesn't run in Bisbee. So he hopes he doesn't have to work today.

So he hopes he doesn't have to work today. I don't know where your bullshit stops and your real problems. He's being very honest. No, he's not. He is. He says he's lazy. He says he's lazy. He doesn't know if he's depressed or not.

He's being honest about that. But that's when I always come to Gump's defense when Morgan Murphy's going ape shit. Because Morgan Murphy is like, I'm in the middle of something. No, I'm to Gump's defense when Morgan Murphy's going ape shit, because Morgan Murphy is like, I'm in the middle of something. No, I'm like Gump. I can afford to be like Gump. I can pay people to do shit that I can't do. I'm lazy as fuck. When Gump is sitting on that

couch getting high with Kenny doing nothing, I'm in the nest in the living room sitting there nursing a hangover doing nothing. We're doing the same thing three houses apart. I'm letting you paint that picture. It's not similar at all. He's 21.

22. 22, sorry. Happy birthday to you. What did you learn that year? You know what I mean? it's not the same Doug this is your guys' conversation last night Morgan Murphy who I wish she could be here today to defend herself

she had her back to the fucking game and looking at you and me and saying who does that and your only response was this is cool and I'm like this is an idiotic conversation. I was facing the game. You were facing the game, but you were not watching it.

But that is really how ridiculous it was. It was like, who does it? Come on! And it's like, these aren't answers that are going to make her feel better or get to a solution. That's not how you resolve this. But I mean, that's the way you handle things well we we

resolved a lot of things today gupty hoarded fashion show yeah he got rid of he got down to a a laundry basket like over full but a laundry basket of stuff. I told him, at your age, you just want to own enough things, nothing more than you can fit in your trunk in a shitty small car. Yeah. That's what you should own. And why do you know that, Doug? Because I was his age. Because you have life experience.

He does not. That's the point. When I was his age, I was way worse than Gump. I bet. point when i was his age i was way worse than gum i bet i i at his age i was getting sued by a landlord for shit that we did to the fucking house because you don't care fuck it's a rental fuck it and most comics have a large tax liability i was not a road comic but i'm saying is like that is the thing where like when you got into that life of being on the road and doing all that,

you learned, you learned how to behave at someone's house when you're a guest, right? No, not at that age. Well, I wasn't really a guest. I mean,

later when you had to stay somewhere. I was a guest at houses where it was a fucking flop house. It didn't matter. You know, you were a fucking surfer kid. You all fucking hung out in some trashed rental. Usually band houses, but yeah, same thing. Yeah, it's fucking full of empties.

A band house that I had to stay a weekend in, we treated way different than when I had to stay for three months. Because you got to sleep in your own filth for three months. That's not cool. Murphy deserves better. Yes. three months, that's not cool. Murphy deserves better. The whole point of Gump living there for free is so she doesn't have to worry

about her property. This is her place to escape to. And you make it worse than being empty. But you've learned something this time, we told you. Right?

Right. What are you going gonna do different uh take pictures of the food that i eat there's a specific one i've been doing pretty good about pp and in the potty but uh pp in the potty what does that mean pp in the potty you know don't miss no i'll tell you what you have to sit down from now on to pee that's that's the rule that's not really a big thing out of my day how are you getting pp out of the potty if you're sitting down? I'm not sitting down. I'm just saying I could sit down. You should sit down.

That should be the rule. That should be rule number one. That should be rule number one. Always sit. Always sit where he's facing. Sit. Be like Doug. Always sit down.

I think that could make sense. Think of it this way, lazy guy. You won't have to clean up around the toilet if you're sitting down all the time. Well, I don't piss on the floor. I mean, like, you just got to make it into the water and clean the toilet. It's on the fridge. Again, my toilet is the filthiest fucking thing. It's a train spotting toilet.

I'm not house sitting. All right, that's the one thing. What's next train spotting toilet. I'm not house sitting. All right, that's the one thing. What's next? Yeah, what else? What else are you going to do? What are you going to do with your life, Gump? Hold on a second. You're going too fast.

We're trying to figure out what he's going to do, what he learned from the situation. He's going to watch the pee-pee in the potty. On the potty. Whatever. Pee-pee in the potty. What else have you learned that you're going to change? Essentially, just how I motivate myself in general.

You know, convincing myself to actually get up and do the shit that I have to do. What about getting up to, and I'm not going to say this, I'll let you carry the ball if you'd like to, but what about getting back up to Tucson? You and your buddy AJ there. He had a little thing you were doing up there in Tucson. I don't think we've ever brought it up. I want to get back to it. Maybe not. We've mentioned it,

but it's never been a thing we got into. Gump's been doing one time open mic. And the other night when I was sitting here for the first time putting together an open mic set out here alone in the funhouse going, all right, I probably won't do the open mic like you. But I'm putting together from notes I've had since I last performed last July. Okay, here's the premises.

I don't really have jokes for a lot of them, but how would it segue if I went to open mic and I was desperate for someone to fucking riff the ideas off. Finally, Chaley came up. By that time, I was pickled. I was just rambling shit at Chaley's head while he's trying to edit a podcast.

But fucking why is Gump not over here? If you want to fucking... I would have loved your company to fucking riff ideas with. And I know I would have helped you more than you'd help me, but still, have you given up that dream? No, I've, I've been, I've been writing stuff. I just haven't, uh, the fear of repeating last time. I guess that's what keeps me from getting up there. But I really do want to try out some of the stuff that I've written in the

past couple of months and just haven't gotten around to it. I would love to flip through your notebook. No, no, you wouldn't. I wouldn't read it because that's sacrosanct in comedy. That's like fucking reading your nine-year-old's diary. They would fucking fall to tears. I would love to see how many pages if you write

short blurbs or if you write full paragraphs. Yeah, because you always say looking at someone's notebook, you would not even have any idea. There would be two or three words that could be what sparks the person who wrote it 28 years of comedy i lost one notebook and it still fucking haunts me i was probably

six years in and i know that was the one that had the best fucking ideas and then someone's reading it not even knowing what those ideas were because I wrote it cryptically. San Francisco, suck your dick. Sorry, that's one I remember. It was when San Diego- That's one of the gems from the stolen or the lost? Yeah, the mullet years where I had no fucking real voice or sense of purpose. I was just trying to get laid on the road.

You'd say things you thought were funny, and they had dick in them a lot. And it was when San Francisco played San Diego in the Super Bowl. And I go, you know how the mayors, they always make a bet. Like, if it's New England, it'd be a lobster. I'll bet you a lobster versus Colorado, if you're fucking whatever, gold, or I don't know what they're fucking known for.

Colorado? Yeah, don't they have gold mines there or something? Anyway, I wrote, yeah, so San Diego's mayor said to give them tickets to SeaWorld, and San Francisco says, if I lose, I'll suck your dick. And I remember having it written, San Diego lobster, San Francisco, suck your dick, thinking, what if someone found this notebook? What is he saying? So I would love to see you become more motivated. And it wasn't until the gals brought it up this morning.

Is he depressed? Because that's why I stay in bed. That's why I'm fucking anchored to the nest. Because I'm afraid of fucking life. And maybe Gump's like that. Maybe my own son is like that. And we're three houses away from each other and we're not reaching out.

We need walkie-talkies. They'd be great. Are we going to get back to what's on the fridge? I want to know, Gunk, can you tell me any of the things that are on the fridge? What's number one? There is a physical list, right? There is a physical list. Number one

was dust, and I've stepped up my game on that, I'd like to say, unless anybody else wants to say differently. Morgan Murphy is violently allergic to everything honks like fucking uh felix from the odd couple there's a reference that for the kids well at some point she goes to get the duster the duster looks like the ceiling fan did after and morgan had to explain to him that you know you take this off and put it in the washer and

dryer and then it's clean he's he's dusting keeping the dust in the house on the duster saving the dust well i use the i wipe everything down i don down. The duster thing is more of just kind of like... Moving it around. Yeah. Getting it somewhere where I can get to it easier. Okay, dust. That's number one. I love the idea of fucking making Gump live like he's living alone

in the guest house, the little house. Having to fucking pay rent, pay all his fucking utilities and not having access to the fun house for fucking free drinks and fun. And then if he makes it 30 days

without being evicted, he gets all that money back? No, then he... Oh, and keeping it clean? Yeah. Going with your white glove? Yeah. It finishes with him making you a meal. What else is on the list? Number two. Number two.

Don't get poop on the potty. Oh, wait. I was talking about that. I do pretty good about that. Clean the pipe is number two on the list. Clean the pipe. That's a weed thing? Yeah.

Okay. Number three. Morgan writes this down. She's the perfect Airbnb hostess. Hey, if you're going to fucking smoke weed out of my pipe, fucking clean the pipe. I got to tell you, man. I mean, dusting and cleaning a fucking pipe. I would never guess that those were number one and two.

That might be 21 and 22. I know dust is at the top. Cleaning the pipe, I think, was at like a three or four first thing that came to mind. Don't leave the water running and fucking fire burning. Oh, no candles. Yeah, no candles. No candles? No candles lit while I'm away.

That's funny, because I was going to suggest to you to light a candle in front of the roses that you bought for her when she showed up very angry yesterday, and then I remembered the no-fire rule,

and that's why I didn't suggest to you to light the candle to make it to suck up as much as you possibly could you know she's allergic to roses number six on the list is don't put roses in the house

you gotta read it all the way to the end I can't believe dusting is number one You gotta read it all the way to the end. I can't believe dusting is number one. That fucking blows my mind. It does get dusty here, and you know why? Because the fucking swamp cooler isn't covered, and when the wind blows, it blows everything through the swamp cooler. True, true.

True, you know it! So you even know the reason dusting is number one is because your landlord, de facto landlord, has allergy issues. What are you going to do if you get thrown out, son? Because she was on the brink and probably still is on the brink of saying, all right, you got to get the fuck out of my house. What are you going to do? Because you had such madcap ideas when your fucking old lady left you. And I'm saying that that was a good thing for you.

For the both of you. But you had all these ideas. You were going to ride a scooter to Florida. No, no. The rally bike. The motorcycle. That's still on the porch? Yeah, in pieces. It doesn't run. I mean, it never ran. It did run.

I've got video proof of that. What, downhill? No, no. Well, it didn't make it anywhere. We pushed it up on the board. That doesn't mean it ran. It turned over and it ran. It didn't roll.

You were going to fucking ride it to Florida. It just doesn't stop. He was just trying to tell me it ran. But then he says it turned over and it rolled. Come on. It doesn't roll. You can't ride it down the street, but you can get it started and everything. That doesn't mean it runs. But he was going to take it to Florida.

That was more of an escape. With a scrimshaw coconuts on the beach. Six garbage bags of motocross t-shirts on his back. Do you need luggage? What would you do?

What would you do if she chucked you out of that fucking house? And we don't even have to keep looking after our adult son. The circus has always seemed like a really appealing option as far as... Yeah, that or the newspaper. And what's your skill there? What's your skill there at the circus? What would you do at the circus differently than you will do at Morgan Murphy's house? Don't say guess weights or ages.

I haven't really found a way to put my four years of experience with elephant handling to use. So it might be a little bit more solid of a career choice as far as stock and show. What could you do in a fucking circus? Seriously.

Other than really shovel shit, which is the obvious answer. What could you do? I could probably shovel shit, but that's about it. Yeah, they only hire when they're in town. They wouldn't take him with them. Gump doesn't understand the seriousness of his homeless situation. Do you think we're going to have you over here? I have a wife hoarder.

We're not going to double up the hoard. I said that Bingo wasn't there when we were de-hoarding you, but I go, I wish Bingo was here for the fashion show to do the thumbs up, thumbs down, what to get rid of, because it would stick in Bingo's head what to do with her own closet. down what to get rid of because it would stick in Bingo's head what to do with her own closet. Because I said the only time that we ever dehoarded well was when we watched the show Hoarders in a marathon and they're like, oh fuck

that's us. Let's just start getting rid of shit. That's why I was wishing she was there to fucking tell you what to dehoard. Bingo's closet is like looking through a kaleidoscope, though. I mean, his is basically t-shirts stuffed in a bag, which to me just says it's trash.

I mean, trash bags are for trash. Bingo probably has garbage bags full of clothes that she doesn't have room in the closet, but it's a kaleidoscope filled garbage bag. She hides them behind the door when Doug comes over. That's what she does. And she dusts. No, she doesn't.

No, she doesn't. Let's not spread. Well, Gump, you did get a second chance. I'm waiting for an affirmative nod. Third chance. Third chance. You got waved up on the two? You're not. You did get up on the two? You're not, you did get

moved to the back room. Oh boy. Like the stapler guy in office space. We're moving you to the basement. But this is my desk. So yeah, where there should be a washer dryer, mine's far more convenient

for him to do 10 loads of laundry in a fucking day right when Morgan Murphy's coming home to wash 85 fucking motocross t-shirts. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to anyway. When Morgan comes here, this is a writer's retreat. This is a chance for her to decompress completely from what she's doing at a regular gig. And for her to somehow be more stressed when she gets here because of something you're doing, I think that should be your motivation to get your ass off the couch, clean the pipe and dust something so that when she comes here, she isn't stressed.

Because that's why she pays the money to have that place. That's her place. That's not your place. I would say this for anyone that was in the same situation. I'm not picking on you, and I'm not trying to champion someone who I wish was here. Could you say something about this? I am a devil's advocate. I have since the Gumps when they were the Gumps

got here I was totalitarian about don't thank me because they don't really appreciate I don't fucking want to hear it because I don't just I know that you appreciate it just go live in your camper

over there they weren't but I am the opposite of Morgan Murphy. When I leave town and Gump's watching my place, if he didn't eat, eat all the perishables first. Eat everything

in my fridge because I'm weird and I hate waste and I'm leaving town but there's too much food. Just eat every fucking thing. Never say thank you. Don't worry about shit. So maybe I'm giving my boy bad messages to take out into the real world.

Because you say one thing doesn't mean you should treat every situation that way. She's coming in. She's coming in. Is she coming in? No, you can't talk if you're not on the mic. Everything's in the freezer for emergencies. I'm with her.

Just because you say that. I might give false messages. And I'm saying that a 22-year-old boy should understand. Don't you fucking talk about my boy. I was waiting for that. You should understand that because Doug says it, doesn't mean it's applicable to every other situation in the world. Me and Gump are going to share one set of clothes.

One of us is naked. The other one's dressed. Oh, my God. That's it. 12 hours back and forth. You two handcuffed for a week in the rape trailer. Yes. That's where you live.

Yep. You can fucking go to Bingo's Hoarder's Paradise because it's going to be me and Gump handcuffed with one pair of pants. Like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier, wasn't it? Morgan Murphy, who's not here, is texting. Bingo's yawning and Javelina's fucking actually sleeping at the bar.

I still feel like this podcast is fun. I love it when everyone in the room doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to hear you, wants it to be over. Can you end this? All right, Gump. Well, I guess we'll check back in next time Morgan Murphy's in town and see if you still live here. I told her that I'd come check in on you, but it's hard to go outside. That's not your job.

You should have it. Gump, honestly, have you learned from this? I have. I honestly have. I mean, you get up every day to go to work. I mean, most days when you're not poisoning yourself with raw meat. I actually said that. With food you prepare.

I actually said that to his manager one time. I was checking out. Quit selling my boy rotten meat. No, no. I said it about Gump. I said, yeah, he's got a girlfriend coming into town for the holidays. So, yeah, he might be calling in sick with that. I haven't got a laden six months flu that goes around when you're 21.

Yeah, that's the first time I said something salty to a Safeway worker where I said something a little off color and I get a laugh. That's good. Well, Mr. Stanton has quite an odd relationship with his son. So you've learned something. I have. Cook my meat better. Medium.

Look, dude. Touch your finger, your thumb to your your pinky and then squeeze right there that's how that's the that's the tenderness of the meat has to be it has to have some resistance if he's gonna learn one thing no the point is it was a whole lie it totally it was for god's sake let's end. I'm sorry you couldn't hear the other podcast that was just full of fucking lies and side issues, throwing boomerangs around the fucking problem. And we can't talk about it, but I'd try to hint it. Yeah.

Well, eventually that will come to a head. It was one of my favorites for us, you and I and Chad, all three. That was one of our favorite podcasts in recent memory. Because we pulled it off at the last minute. Yeah, yeah. We're teasing it because it's going to come out. You're the listener. It will come out.

You're not missing as much as we were happy because they showed up and went, listen, our lawyer says we can't do this podcast. But we pulled it off with a lot of like, all right. Well, sort of. I can't do this podcast and but we pulled it off with a lot of like all right but for us we were celebrating afterwards like we were going from we can't do a podcast we're drunk at four for no reason chad came all the way out here with jenny he had a driver? Podcast problems. Yeah, it was one of those, I hate using the term political correctness run amok, that they're suffering through. Yeah.

But there but for the grace of Jesus H. fucking Christ, that fucking hebe goes me. Do you have any other thank yous or anything to come up? No, that's it. Gump, sing a song to close us out. One of your originals.

Can I go get my notebook? I've already got someone scouring through it and taking pictures. I'm going to use Gump's act on my next door. Little tiny camera. Micro-feeds. Micro-feeds. Hold him in there a little longer. I'm only on page 17.

Alright, well, go Patriots, I guess. I want Rams. Yeah. They're wearing their throwbacks, and that threw a fucking... If the Patriots... You didn't bet on that? Listen, I had to abandon the Patriots on some level.

They went down to my third or fourth team just because I'm from there. But if they went back to the fucking old throwback uniforms, I wouldn't care that I'm riding that till the end. I wouldn't care that I'm rooting for a dynasty, which is against everything, because those fucking uniforms were brilliant. And I bet- Which ones? You talking about the Rams? If New England had, like, if there was a poll, I bet that at least 80% of people would prefer the old

fucking Pat the Patriot uniforms. The fucking Patriot hiking the football. They're fucking fat. They have about the worst uniforms in the fucking NFL. It makes me sad. It makes me sad. And the Rams are going throwback

for the... Maybe I will go Rams for the Super Bowl. No, I won't. Only NFL game I ever went to was Rams at, I think it was Anaheim Stadium, Angel Stadium. Yeah, there's no reason to go see a live football game. It's way better here.

It's way better here. I could go like four or five. I couldn't, I wouldn't be, I remember we were sitting way up in the fucking way up, right on like third base side because it was the Angel Stadium. And it was like this is – you couldn't track anything. You don't know what's happening. You got to – hopefully your dad or your uncle is going to tell you what's happening because I was young, like 9 or 10. It was absolutely – I remember the baton guy threw the thing as high as we were it was i was more

amazed that that guy threw that stick that high up than anything that i watched the weird glasses in the overcoat knock them out of the way and catch it and then lead the band down into an alley animal house i used to use that bit in my act about you like kids because you can recreate. You ran out of ideas in your life. So you had a kid so you can just relive your short fucking tenure of life through him. Like you wouldn't want to watch Animal House again. But if your kid has never seen Animal House, you'd want to watch it with him to watch him watch Animal House again, but if your kid has never seen Animal House, you'd want to watch it with him to watch him watch Animal House.

And I get to do that with my boy Gump just two days ago. I go, have you ever seen this before? He goes, not all the way through or not high. So we watched Animal House together. It was a beautiful moment between a boy and his son, and now my boy's in trouble.

A boy and his son? a boy and his son, and now my boy's in trouble. A boy and his son? He's about to get evicted. A boy and his son? Yeah, whatever. You know what I mean. Gump, you want to tell us something? I'm basically a child myself. I guess that's it, girl.

This podcast is over. I'm going to give this boy a paddling. A boy and his son. A boy and his son.