The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #298: The Steaming Pile Outside My Vegas Hotel Room

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Doug's in Vegas with his manager Brian Hennigan plotting their next career move. Although they are there to work, it takes some backtracking to piece together who may have gotten kicked out of a sushi bar and why someone slept in the hall.  If you are going to send Doug a magnetic car sign please include the phone number [phone]\. Doug does not answer the line. Nobody does.  Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Feb. 9th, 2019 at the RIO All Suites Hotel in Las Vegas, NV with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan). Produced by Hennigan and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille) This episode is sponsored by Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug, VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope" and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. So if you puke, no one's really going to notice the stain because the carpet is basically a stain. It's a brightly colored stain and the Rio is no different. But everything that I read on it that I was looking forward to, because when you book a hotel, I'm just here to fuck off with Brian Hennigan and plot the next course of our career so we're here to meet and then when I go where am I going to stay you live in a fucking weird place

there's not a lot of hotels there so when you're booking a hotel in Vegas you have a million options should I stay downtown at the pl Plaza where I like but it's not near where you are?

But I found that I could get a nice suite where we could podcast here in the Rio. That you're in love with me. Okay, I think we're working now. Okay, we're going to keep the beginning of this in, even though you think

it did record I don't think it did god damn it alright then I'm going to go back to where I was going to start Brian Hannigan the filthy uncut Scotsman and myself are in

Las Vegas Nevada at the Lauded, is that Lauded? Lauded. Rio All Suites Hotel. Get back to them. And we're trying to plot out what to do with the future of our career.

Our career? Because it's kind of been intertwined. Yes. It's been you and me forever, babe. 2002. 2002. And then made even more official in 2007. I can't wait to get to that, but we're not

going to talk about that. That's when you... Oh, right. Yes, sorry. There's two things that I cannot... What happened in 2007? ...Bert Kreischer for. What?

One is a two-parter. It's the fact that he likes and is friends with Guy Fieri. That's part one. And then pronounces Guy Fieri's name the way Guy Fieri wants it pronounced. And I won't even try to bastardize that.

Some fucking thing he says. And the second thing is what we're going to correct from 2007. You know what I'm talking about. Bert Kreischer's fatal career flaw in choosing people. Okay, that's enough. Right, yes. Yeah, and then we're going to correct that this year. We've had a, you know what, we did get really fucked up a couple nights ago.

Yes, we did. I don't know how bad you were. I was very drunk. Yes, we did. I don't know how bad you were. I was very drunk. Well, I was, yeah, we, when we went to collect notes from each other's memories, neither of us had many, and other people filled us in.

Fortunately, I made some drunken phone calls. And I, hey, why did you get kicked out of that sushi bar? I then I went, I got kicked out of a sushi bar? And then I asked you, you went, oh, I can't believe we're in a sushi bar. I kind of remember that. Then I went back to the sushi bar and talked to the lady. I go, excuse me, was I in here last night? And you were, she goes, yeah, you're the, we'll get back to that. But also, the first indication

the night didn't go well, shall we say, was when you opened your front door to the suite in the Rio All Suite Hotel, and I was there at like 5.30 in the morning. Oh wait, that's later. I was gonna

get back to the whole Rio thing. I was just gonna open up because today I went out and I just drove, because I drove to Vegas to meet you. And since I had a car, I just drove around trying to find old places. I lived when I lived here. I just take in the town because I woke up at fucking 730 in the morning. And I had time to kill. Saturday, I could drive around.

I drove up the strip even because no one's really on the strip at fucking 8.30 on a Saturday morning. And I remember driving. I drove past what I remember to be the Crazy Horse, on what used to be Industrial Boulevard. Now it's like Wayne Newton or Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. Whoever it got renamed after is not happy that they chose Industrial Road to change. Hey, Industrial Road, you know that place with all the fucking abandoned fucking buildings? Yeah, we're renaming it after you. Much like Martin Luther King would roll over in his grave. fucking abandoned fucking buildings. Yeah, we're renaming it after you. That was...

Much like Martin Luther King would roll over in his grave. Isn't it Dean Martin Drive? Yeah, it was one of those guys. Yeah. Who knows? When I was still, let's call it, hanging out in the environs of journalism trying to make money after I quit the corporate gig,

I once got a commission to do a travel piece about Vegas, and the only thing I wrote down that was of use to people was, take industrial, which was, it's a great backstreet take. It's kind of like, I heard the quote attributed to Sam Kinison at the comedy store, never drive drunk, whatever you do, don't drink and drive. It's the worst thing you can do. But if you have to drive drunk, take Fountain.

Well, that is originally definitely an Elizabeth Taylor quote. Really? Yep. How do you know that? Because there's a famous Elizabeth Taylor quote. She was asked a question once of, what advice would you give any young actress, as they called them in those days moving to hollywood and she paused and went take fountain well that's uh that's uh for snopes to decide

i took the i took the turn through what used to be naked city don't know if it still is past what used to be the crazy horse it's still a titty bar but there it just says gentlemen's and gentlemen's on it with no there is a like one of those temporary uh where you make up a quick banner that i couldn't even read what that said like under new management kind of banner that they would put up. But I remember when I was a kid, because I would have to walk from Naked City to American Distributing on the old, and I would stop

at the Crazy Horse 2. I was a regular there when I was a fucking kid. And I was cute. And, uh, but, you know, not threatening I remember Titty Dancer saying

hey go to whatever record store and buy me this CD because I want to dance to this new song pump up the jams pump them up pump it pump it I fucking remember that song and I thought that girl might want to fuck me but there was this one stripper specifically

and she was very handsome. She was mature for me. She might be almost 30. But she was so on top of her game and I remember

always thinking I was this close to landing the deal. And I would try to be funny and make jokes. I hadn't even done stand-up yet. I was just a smart, fucky, cocky kid. And I remember one time her turning my face to her and saying, Every time I seriously consider fucking you, you always fuck it up. She said

that? Yeah, and then walked away. I said, God damn, because I just tried some stupid joke out on her. And I still believe that she would have fucked me. I guarantee she'll fuck you now. That's the old bit in the book about Ginger Lynn. If you want to fuck your favorite porn stars from the golden age of VHS, do it in 1985.

No, not in 2011. Not in 2011. But this came up earlier in a conversation because Brian Hennigan said, I'll be here at 5 for the podcast. So I start drinking at 4 to be professional. By the way, that was 8 o'clock. We had technical issues, as Chaley would say. We had technical issues.

Chaley only has one job. Remember to bring the fucking SIM or SDI. I did bring an SD card. I did bring an SD card, but my SD card didn't work. The formatting wasn't working. Maybe you should have cut down on jobs. I had to call for backup. Well, we were talking earlier.

That woman. What woman? The stripper. Every time I'm this close to fucking you, you always fuck it up. And if you, every woman that is found

attractive by any man ever, and you find out that there's some mega fucking scumbag, if you just, all you would have to do is say, listen, I find you so attractive, and I would be with you, but these political points of view, because they don't really hold any political point of view. They're parroting shit they heard on the news.

They took sides because they hate their own life. And all it would take is one attractive woman, me too with them, and fuck with their heads and say, listen, I would so fuck you blind. Except I don't think you're really thinking about what you're saying politically. And they would change overnight because they don't have a strong opinion to start with. So they would change base solely for a lifetime. They would solely base an entire change of viewpoint based on you saying that you would have fucked them, but they fucked it up. So think about that. That's my opening salvo. That's my Jerry Springer's final thought to start the podcast. Now let's talk about Vegas and the Rio All Suites Hotel.

about Vegas and the Rio All Suites Hotel. Oh. This place. I love the Rio. We used to come here all the time. And it's not that the suite we have is fantastic for the money. And? I can smoke in here. We can podcast in here.

We've gotten a lot of work done. We have. We have a lot of projects in the fire. There's some things to be desired here, Hennegan. How did you phrase it? What do you mean? Antiquated. Well, I can't remember.

Did we start this podcast over? Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. I called down to complain about something, and then the phones are from, like, 1983. You know when you have to dangle the phone, the cord is so wrapped up? Hey, does anyone here remember a corded phone? Yeah, the cord's so wrapped up, you have to hang it down and let it spin itself out. So, and yeah, then I ended up complaining

because I couldn't hear the front desk on this old piece of shit, 40-year-old fucking phone, that I forgot what I was calling to complain about. Everything on Expedia is wrong. Hey, we have a New England style seafood restaurant. Oh my God. Maybe they have fried clams. You can't find fried clams, like whole belly clams outside of New England. Maybe they have that. Oh, they have a seafood buffet. Love that. Get me some crab legs. They have a... Everything that's on Expedia doesn't fucking exist. Except they don't promote 1987 fucking rat fucking kooky cordless... They have a fucking ad for Chippendales. They have two ads in the elevators.

Posters. One of them is just Chippendales guys, but one of them has a fucking half-giant erection in a G-string. It's like this is gay porn in the elevator. The other one has an ad for Chippendales, and it's

Taylor... Tyson. Tyson Spencer. Celebrity host, limited engagement, September 27th to November 5th. Which is not limited. That's fucking six weeks, five weeks. But it's also like four months ago. And now it's fucking in the middle of February.

You still have this shit up. I couldn't, I would have had to keep accurate notes for all the fucked up shit in this hotel. Apart from the one thing we discovered that we weren't expecting, is that according to someone we met who served us here, Guy

Fieri's a decent guy. Oh. See, now I can't remember if I already said this about Bert Kreischer. Was that onischer. Was this in the failed part of the podcast? Well, clearly he'll fix it. All right. Well, we don't have to address the Bert Kreischer thing. But the one thing I can't forgive him for is liking and being friendly with Guy Fieri

and pronouncing his name the way he evidently likes it pronounced, Fieri, or some shit like that. It's disgusting. And there's another thing that I can't forgive Bert Kreischer for, but that will come out later in the year. It has nothing to do with Bert Kreischer.

But we went to his restaurant here, and it had a very tasty margarita. No, it was fucking gross. Wait, that Margarita, the Margarita was, you know, when you go to Guy Fieri's restaurant in the hotel where it's Guy Fieri's

restaurant, and then you spend the whole time bitching about what a fucking chump and idiot Guy Fieri is to the person that works for him. Yeah, you don't expect them to agree. She did not agree. Yeah. But I said earlier

in the day, Brian and I are going to talk about the hangover that happened after this night. Early in the day, we passed that, and I said I would rather do some awful thing rather than ever eat at Guy Fieri's fucking restaurant in this piece of shit hotel.

Correct. And then cut to... Cut to, oh, goddammit. They got fucking Mexican food, and I want some mexican food so instead of doing whatever i wish i could remember what i said i would rather do but it was probably the most grotesque and obscene sky candy kind of situation that i agreed i would do before i would ever step foot in anything on and i only know him by a fucking TGI commercial. And Brendan Walsh always shit on him for his fucking bowler's shirt with flames on it

and his stupid fucking hair. He's just a douche. Listen, you can profile douchebags. I know we can't profile races openly or any kind of sexuality or whatever. You can profile a douchebag because they're not a protected species as of yet. You can profile it. That guy's absolutely a douche without ever meeting him. Tony Robbins, I've heard what a wonderful person. No, he's a fucking douchebag. Renee met him at the flower shop. Remember years ago?

Oh, yeah. That flower shop and he came in and then he remembered her name. Exactly the same shit that bartender at Guy Fieri's restaurant. And he remembered my name and he remembered the conversations we had. Yeah, well, maybe not a lot of people talk to him because he's a fucking cunt. Maybe he's a fucking just. Yeah, he remembers because, oh, I remember you. You're the girl that talked to me rather than averting eye contact because I'm such an obvious bloated stunt of a person.

Where was I going? I'm not sure you had the destination in mind. The destination is how this became a problem. Because that was early. That was early in the evening. And we drank a habanero pineapple margarita

that burned a lot like syphilis. But it was tasty. It's like getting syphilis. Hey, I remember the act that got me syphilis. I was enjoying it quite a bit. I didn't count on the afterburn. And that was early. And then I remember we played some roulette.

We're here for business, by the way. Yeah. I came here. Brian Hennigan usually comes down to Bisbee when we have to talk business. Yeah. It gets interrupted often by the people I know. And people are stopping in. And he said, I'd be glad to meet you halfway.

And like Phoenix. Like a kingman. A kingman. I don't fucking know. I don't know where you're at. I go, no, I'll come to Vegas. I can't wait to get the fuck out of this town. Mm-hmm.

So we came here for business. And we did get a lot of business done that afternoon. That afternoon, that day. And we went out. And we went out. And we swore never to go to Guy Fieri's. Then we played roulette. I don't know what order this happens in. We went and played roulette.

I spotted you a hundred bucks. Oh, yeah. That's why you played roulette. I spotted you a hundred bucks. Oh yeah. That's why you played roulette. Yeah, I'm not a gambler. No. But you were when I was paying. Yeah, well yeah. You were doing good. I was doing good until I got bored and then went all in on two. Yeah, I did that a lot of times. I lost a lot of money. Please

buy merch from the merch site or anything. Just send me money. Please send me one. And then there was a need for food. There was a need for food. And food. And we went to Guy Fieri's. No, no, no. Then we went to sushi.

No! No, no, no. You're getting ahead of yourself, son. Oh, shit! Yes, you're No. No, no. You're getting ahead of yourself, son. Am I? Oh, shit. Yes, you're right. Because there is a lot of embarrassment in between sushi and Guy Fieri's. Yes. Because we wouldn't have gone from Guy Fieri's to sushi. No. That would be counterintuitive.

What we did is I noticed what I swore I would never go to is they have the comedy cellar here. Yes, they have a branch of the world famous comedy cellar from New York in the basement of the Rio. And, you know, they hype up with all the hype that's appropriate for the comedy cellar in New York. It's on the ground floor. It's not in a basement. It's right there. Isn't it downstairs in the basement? I don't really remember. But no, the entrance is right there.

Yeah, but I think it's in the basement. I remember stumbling towards it going, oh, hey, Mark Cohen is headlining. That's right. And, or running, I don't know. He's the emcee. Yeah, but he lives here. I didn't even know that.

Oh my God. I am so embarrassed to even go down on the casino floor because I know how fucked up I left there. And at one point, so we just dropped Mark Cohen's name. I don't want to watch the show. I just want to say hi, I guess. Yeah. To Mark Cohen. And I think that was, oh, yeah, Adam Ferrara. Who I don't know. Two people I knew on the bill. I haven't seen Adam Ferrara since the 90s probably. And then three other people.

God knows how much of an asshole I made of myself. I was drinking their Jameson. I know that. And I think it was Rufy. I only say that because of how I responded to drinking their Jameson. I know that. And I think it was roofie. I only say that because of how I responded to drinking their Jameson and there's one woman on the bill. So they're probably

roofie-ing her, but I drank it. I don't know that to be fact. In fact, I know that to be completely false, but it's funnier to say it and lie. So we went there. We dropped dropped the name you and I are already stumbling yeah little stumbling fun stumbling fun stumbling I think it

was like 730 at night it wasn't late it wasn't late this this story gets so much better what time are we at? We're at 20 minutes. Perfect. We always have to stop at 20 minutes for commercials that we're going to plug in later. And please hold. Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex!

Keep your balls off your legs and such! Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts.

Get them before we get sued. Before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime, a sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. No, don't worry.

The commercials have already been plugged in. We're going on with this great story. I'm sorry. I'm just remembering where this winds up. Okay. We hang out. I remember saying this to Mark Cohen. I don't know if I how

fucked up I was to them because they're very, I assume, mostly sober people. None of them were drinking. And they had a full bar. They had a full bar in the green room and as far as I could tell, nobody was drinking apart from us.

Or having fun. No, it was not. Marcon, very accommodating. He was. Accommodating. But I remember at some point I go, but are you doing like that show with Dave Vettel? And he goes, yeah, that's Jeff Ross. Like, oh, shit, did I just say that?

I am a dick. And then I said, Dean Anderson, the black oh yeah i probably said something inappropriate to him i don't think so i don't remember i remember saying oh uh am i just like being that fucking asshole in the green room where it's not my green room? I don't remember anything necessarily. I just remember how I feel like I immediately became after that. Because that's the last thing I really remember was Mark Cohen showing me out of the green room. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let's back

up. Somewhere after the roulette wheel, I had you contact Carrot Top about doing a podcast. I hate to say it, that was kind of my idea. I wanted you to do a podcast with Carrot Top. I think it was my it, but that was kind of my idea. I wanted you to do a podcast with Carrot Top.

I think it was my idea, but you figured out how to contact him through Instagram. Instagram, yeah. Next thing I know, I remember I'm right at the roulette wheel, and I remember telling people, I'm talking to Carrot Top. We had two fans, one from Newcastle. There were people who were at the Newcastle show or at the roulette wheel. Yeah, and that was the second, because at one point, the first time I met him

at a roulette wheel, the guy from Newcastle, there was another guy from somewhere else in England that had been at a show that night, but the first time he's like, holy shit, I'm fucking I can't believe I'm fucking gabbling with Doug Stanhope. And, oh, your voice.

And I was at Newcastle and I went, yeah, fuck Sunderland. Was he appreciated? Yes, and I still stand by it. Read my book. It's available at the Doug Stanhope website or on Amazon. Doug Stanhope, this is not fame. This is why I hate fucking Sunderland and love Newcastle. But not as much as Wolverhampton.

And then I'm like, I remember yelling. I'm on the phone with fucking Carrot Top. Or Carrot Top's calling me. I had to take the call. And I think we planned a podcast. And also with Mark Cohen. Oh, yeah. I don't think I'm going to follow through with any of these promises because I think I was a ridiculous stooge. listening to this on your forklift driving drunk is uh yeah that that alcoholic shame you get the next day where oh i had self-confidence that now i feel ridiculous for having because i'm not a

confident person and the fact that i reached out to carrot top then i wake up going, that guy probably thinks I'm an asshole. Why would he do my podcast? Why would Martin Cohen? After I said, oh, you're doing that thing with David Tell. No, that's Jeffrey Ross. And the next day, the first time in months and months, many months the next day, Dave Tell texts me, hey, what's up? And all I could think was oh, Mark Cohen must have called him and said, I'm a wreck. I think you guys are doing a show together.

That's probably just a fucking random text from Mattel. So then... So then... Then that's where we go and get sushi, isn't it? This is where it gets blurry. Okay. This is when it turns into literally the movie The Hangover, where I might have married a hooker and lost a tooth

because I remembered... I didn't even remember going to sushi till the next day. You go, oh, we did go to sushi. They go, did I get thrown out? No, I think you said you had to leave. I remember walking through the casino at some point where I was 15-year-old drunk, like just trying to keep my balance, teeter-tottering back and forth. At one point, I went outside because it's very cold here in Vegas. It was in the 30s probably. And I went outside hoping the cold would wake me up enough

that I could walk upright all the way to my hotel room. And when I got to the hotel room I couldn't find my key and in my head I knew it was on me somewhere but I didn't have the wherewithal to go through all of my pockets to try to find it so I just steeled myself to walk all the way back. If you've never been to Vegas, they purposely make it the longest walk from the front desk to your hotel, so you go by every table,

and you get enticed to lose all your money, which I'd already done days before. And I got my key, but it had to be before that that we went to sushi. Oh, for sure. So, having vague memories of maybe getting kicked out of sushi or leaving sushi according to Brian, because I thought Brian would fill in the details. He's like, oh, we went to sushi. because I thought Brian would fill in the details.

He's like, oh, we went to sushi. I went back the next night, and the lady at the sushi bar said, hey, was I here last night, and did I make a dick out of myself? And then she filled me in with the details. Yes. She said, you kept talking about comedy and the comedy cellar. And then I mentioned Gilbert Gottfried. And you said, oh, and you don't know who I am. And then I mentioned Bill Burr.

And you said, I have Bill Burr's number in my phone. Do you want to call him? And as you can assess being a drunk yourself this I was just crumbling in my chair as she recounted all these douche bag things call Bill Burr I do remember that

once you told me that I remember you thrusting your phone at her going look it's Bill Burr's number I could just call him and then she told me that you were fine going, look, it's Bill Burr's number. I could just call him. And then she told me that you were fine. You just kept telling her that you were with the FBI. Which I don't recall.

I don't recall it either. But I did overtip. Oh, I'm sure. I think I left you with the tab the first time. She said, I just walked out to smoke a cigarette and never came back. And never came back. And so you picked up the tab. And then I do that second night, I apologized. I said, here, I'm going to overtip because I have to apologize.

Habeas corpus for my Scottish manager probably didn't tip well at all. I'm sure it did. It probably did. And then you went to bed but I wasn't ready for bed yet. Oh yes, the story does get better thank you for that. So I decided

evidently what I should do now that I'm more or less collapsing drunk after you've gone to bed, I should go to my girlfriend's bar and hang out with her. Brian's girlfriend works at a corporate

chain that has no sense of humor for a fucking drunken elderly man to come and talk to his 15 year old girlfriend while she's at work. She's not really

15, but Brian is elderly. And so I turned up at her work, and again, you know what you're like. You're really drunk, but you do know you can put a lot of effort in and make yourself not appear that drunk for a period. That's what I did.

I got to the bar. I sat at the bar in the place that I meant to sit when I'm visiting. And so much so that Aubrey, that's her name, was happy to serve me a very, very strong cocktail. Tracy Dew. Yeah, a very, very strong cocktail and a Hitachino beer from Japan. And then I think gradually she realized... Oh, if we could all tell tales about our Hitachini nights.

Hitachino. It's made from rice. Pini nights. Hittachino. It's made from rice. Pachinko, Hittachino. Anyway, and then she could tell you what I did because she's here. She doesn't seem like she wants to get on mic. No, she's okay. I'd gladly give up my mic and start from her. I'll tell you what I did.

If you want to sit over here, you can just correct him. You can jump up and grab the mic and correct him if he's... Go ahead. So I was sitting at the bar in this fairly normal corporate American bar

set up. I was basically beyond speech at this point. And so I was basically beyond speech at this point. And so I was... Apart from falling asleep on the bar and she had to stop me doing that, the second wind I got wasn't

enough to facilitate speech but it was enough for me to sit there going like this, putting my thumbs and fingers either side of my temples like a child and going So I sat there at the bar

The moose thing. Thumbs with the fingers up on either Like this And this is basically the TGI Fridays of fucking boring Asian fusion as well known as TGI Fridays. I'll leave it at that. So that, then...

I was doing the same thing trying to walk back to the hotel where I was hitting both walls of the hallway in the room. And that's me trying my best to be sober. Much less walking through the casino through seas of people where I'm obviously staggering like a palm tree in a fucking hurricane. But I have enough

of my senses about me. I still remember it. I wasn't blacked out. I was just that drunk and I don't know when that happened. I'm going to blame the fucking Guy Fieri and his fucking habanero. Yeah, it was pretty powerful. So your night isn't over yet. Oh, no.

My life is far from over. So Aubrey gets off work. We drive back to her apartment. She's asking you what you're going to wear for prom. Yeah. I'm fucking lit. That's a joke about you being so young.

And then we get back there. Aubrey starts drinking once we get back home. I'm obviously no need for more alcohol, but why should that stop? That's when you have to power down. Yeah, unfortunately at that point after a few drinks,

we have some enormous argument that leads to me storming out of the apartment. Fortunately, in an Uber. Fortunately, in an Uber, yeah. I grabbed, to show her I meant business, I grabbed my camera bag because nothing says, oh, this is serious. Fuck you more than grabbing your camera bag. So that's what I did.

I grabbed my camera bag. I didn't bother putting socks on again, but I did put my slip on shoes on. And I got an Uber and I thought, I'm'm gonna go and stay with my good friend Doug Stanhope at the Rio. Do-do-do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do Our listeners won't recognize

that as the odd couple theme song where fucking Oscar Madison gets thrown out by his wife and shows up at Felix Unger's house. So Aubrey shouts at me as I'm storming out, you don't have any of your stuff with you, meaning I didn't bring my credit card. I got my slippers and my camera bag.

I don't need you. You're like Steve Martin in The Jerk. I just need my stuff. I had no credit cards, no ID and no cash. And my phone was barely charged. It had enough money, it had enough charge for me to Uber to the Rio, where my good friend Doug Stanhope will take me into his room. And then, obviously, you...

I think it was, through phone records, it was between 8.30 and 9.30 p.m., which was weird because it seems like there was a lot of time after the comedy club. So the comedy club shouldn't have started that early, but maybe it did. Either way, at the latest, I was down by 9.30. And I can't tell if it's missed calls or made calls, but I was out. missed calls or made calls but i was out and the first call of a 12 missed calls from you in the morning came between 11 58 and 102 p.m so that would make sense like yeah i woke up to piss we have a suite it has a doorbell it's a big fucking suite. It's 1,600 square feet. My house is 958 square feet. It's almost double my

fucking house. At a reasonable price. If you can accept all the other fucking problems. I woke up to piss at 5.30. Ding dong ding. And I woke... I was kind of chippy with you. I opened the door.

What the fuck are you doing at my door at 5.30? He goes, oh, I've been here for longer since 5.30. Hannigan shows up at midnight. Go ahead. You tried to get in. I tried to get in so many ways. A, I rang the doorbell for at least an hour. Then I think, oh, I tried to convince the front desk twice to let me in the room.

Even if I was on the reservation, I had no ID, you know. And I've got a backpack on, so I look like somebody who's... They were calling on the house phone. They tried to call you on the house... 1987 fucking house phone. They tried to call you. Probably doesn't even ring. No one's picking up.

And so eventually, I just came... I sort of... At some point, I realized it's kind of like... You know, in The End of the Shining, when Jack Nicholson just sort of lies down in the snow to die, I sort of realized that, you know, there's only so much I can do, and I'm at the end of this corridor.

Thank, that's the good thing, you're at the end of the corridor, and the corridors are curved. So if you come out the elevator, you wouldn't see there was someone lying on top of a camera bag asleep outside your door. This is an old Dwight York joke. Dwight York Minneapolis comic was

a great one-liner joke. He said, I used to be homeless, but no one knew it because I slept outside of a Ticketmaster. You were sleeping outside my door, curled up like a homeless person, but you're at the end of the hallway where I left a room service tray out. It's been sitting out there.

I moved it down two doors like you do to be in front of someone else. It's still out there fucking two, three days later. So they wouldn't notice you camped out like a transient in front of my fucking room. Oh, I've been here since longer. And so, yeah, eventually you open the door, and I'm just like, can I, you know, you let me in to sleep on the sofa, and I've been there all night, basically. And I called housekeeping to make sure that I could get a blanket and pillow for you.

Because I'm accommodating. Wow. And you shut off all the fucking lights and closed all the curtains so you could sleep peacefully in 1,400 of the 1,600 square feet. So I didn't even feel comfortable to come out and get. So then I fucking leave, and I go down on another gambling bin. That's right. You went down, too. And then I was fucking, oh, God, and then I started drinking, and yeah, until like one

in the afternoon when you go, oh, I'm leaving. I'm going to go face the music with my girlfriend. I'm like, oh, now I can go back to bed. Oh my God, what a fucking wreck. I know. But we did get work done. We did. And that's what's important. Yes, we did. We did that first. We have plans.

Me and the Hennigan have plans. We're not talking about them, I don't think. Well, you've already mentioned. I'm here with the FBI, so I can't really talk. But we already, we're probably going to tape something in the FBI, so I can't really talk. But we already... We're probably going to tape something in Vegas. You did mention that already, apparently. Yeah, I've talked about it.

We're going to look at venues. There's three different venues we're considering in Vegas. But I think Vegas... Hannigan wants to do it in Bisbee, which I understand. It's so simple. I know it is. But we just did the last one. I know, but I just think

we'd have to start a trend where they're always in Bisbee. Well, it'd be two. Vegas is where I started and I've never taped one here. And this is where our film crew is. So that makes sense. I could get other notes,

but I think this is enough of a podcast. You're a lactose intolerant. I am lactose intolerant. Well, that's recent. Not just attitudinally, either. It's like a physical thing. Yeah, I don't know why you go to fucking doctors. Well, it was useful.

Chinese photograph? I don't even know what that means. That's a story I had about... OkCupid, that's where you meet 13-year-old girls online. I'm... no. Lolita. No, I met Aubrey on OkCupid. I can't imagine any...

Like, you hide so much of your shit. What do you mean? Just your personal life. You hide so much of your shit. What do you mean? Just your personal life. You are so secretive. Can you even talk about your project? Yeah, we've already talked about that. I don't remember anything about you. You're never around.

No. No. See, these would be all questions for Aubrey. She won't talk. I i know which is great she's like you all right yes symbiotic relationship stop me i'm not telling her not to talk it's up to her do you want to talk nope she wants pinot grigio pinot noir pinot noir fucking whores funny enough you offer them grigio they want noir

eat it that's why I only date women 20 years older than me so by the way just so you know

we're at 41 41 alright then let's go into this Chinese photograph thing and kill some more minutes well it's just a story about

like you know when when you've made an ass of yourself with great indignation. Oh, so we could have had a great segue from the rest of this podcast, making assholes of ourselves. Yeah. I have the FBI's phone number. You want to call them?

Bill Burr. I'll get them on the phone right now. And you're indignant because you hadn't heard of him. That was funny. You're talking about Gilbert Garfield. You don't know who I am. You don't remember this stuff now. You're just extrapolating. Maybe that's what I said. No, because you told me that's what you said.

Because she told you. I don't know. Sorry, I'm trying to make a drink. But yeah, I don't know the tone I had. I had to hear her call back to what I said. I know, but when you told me that, I remembered it. It's like the Lenny Bruce bit. Oh, yeah.

He gets arrested for obscenity, and the arresting officer has to do his act in front of the jury. And Lenny Bruce is going, but he's not funny. I say it funny. So I don't know what tone I had when I said I have Bill Burr's phone number, but the fact that I even... I know. Broached, like, threw my phone at her.

Oh, my God. And the sushi was overpriced, and then they fucked it up. They fucked up the sushi. That's all I remembered. When you remembered a little bit, I go, oh, that's right. We ordered a couple of pieces, and they gave us plates of rolls.

Yeah. No, I don't think that was a fuck-up. I think they were trying to stick it to us. I think they were trying to make us have a big bill. Because there's no way that you can fuck up, hey, we want two pieces of nigiri. When I saw the menu, I go, oh, no, I remember pointing out this, this, and this. And then they gave us, oh, I don't need 40 pieces of fucking maki.

I wanted two pieces of nigiri. So, Chinese photograph. Yeah, it was when I was living in China. And, you know, in those days, obviously, we still had to get film developed and shit. And I was, again, this was like midway to the three quarters of the way through the year.

So I was pretty fluent at talking Chinese. And so I got my, I went down to the Chinese photo store, where I was expecting to get my, you know, film and prints developed. where I was expecting to get my film and prints developed, and I handed over the fucking bit of paper, and I said, I'm here for my film. And by that point, when you're familiar with Chinese service as it was,

you might still be in the fucking back and beyond. You have a sneeze guard around you because they spit on you. But you know that... So they basically just looked at my fucking receipt and went, we don't have it. Now, that's the thing you're used to by that point is, well, they do have it. They just can't be bothered getting it.

So I learned that what you do at that point is you just pick up the receipt and throw it back at them and say, I want it. Because that's what normally happens until eventually they get bored with that and they actually go and get it. Because there are two things you heard when you went into a Chinese store and asked for anything. You'd hear bú xào, which means we don't have it, and bú fàng bián, which you always thought meant the same as don't have it it just turns out it meant not convenient meaning I can't be bothered getting it

so this went on for a while with increasingly raised voices with me saying I want my photographs and then saying we don't have it and just throwing it back at me and at some point I realized the volume and the degree of commitment from both sides wasn't higher than normal and this was a real fucking issue and they weren't going to give me my photographs so I marched as like new motherfuckers and we'd passed my level of Chinese as well

right so there's like three of. There was a store owner and two of his assistants were now facing off with me. I realized I needed reinforcements. You're taller than all of them and you're only 5'6". So I marched back, 5'7". So I marched back to the

university to get one of my master students who I was teaching Shakespeare to. And I grabbed him. And so we were like, now I've got forces. And so we marched back towards the photography store. And he says to me, where's your receipt?

And I give it to him. And he looks at it and he goes, four shirts, three pairs of trousers, underwear. Underwear. I brought along my dry cleaning three pairs of trousers, underwear. You're a fucking asshole. I brought along my dry cleaning receipt to the photography store and it stood there for half an hour

saying, I want these. And they were saying, we don't have them. And it just went back and forth. And I never actually got the photographs. I was so ashamed. You should still be ashamed. I know, I am.

I hate that story. Although I do admire the degree of commitment I had. A lot of these stories, not that one. But yes, Brian and I and I just wrote down notes. We have two book things that we are planning on doing. At least two. At least two. Specials recorded.

Mm-hmm. And getting back on the road. Mm-hmm. And a couple other things. I have some wild card projects because now I'm back in business even though I'm making no money and lost a lot of money

at the Rio All Suites Hotel in Vegas. I lost a lot of money. I didn't even get bumped up to a fucking platinum card from my players. Come on. I lost enough. How much money do I have to lose?

Maybe they want to make sure you're not going to win it back. Maybe that's what they have to do is let this stay end. Nope. I have not left the hotel all goddamn day except to drive around Vegas and look for old places I used to remember, but I don't.

And, uh, hey, sorry, if everyone's left hanging on this about Brian being lactose intolerant, it's just one of the random notes I wrote down. Because we had one really fun night of both of us not remembering anything until Hennigan was sleeping for five hours outside my hotel door. Oh, my God. Fucking Joseph and Mary in the stable. There's no room at the inn until I wake up. And then he didn't fucking even leave till noon.

I lost probably $900 to $1,100 waiting for you to fucking leave my couch. So I do blame you. All you ever do in Vegas is get robbed of my money or cost me money. That's true. Hennigan. Yeah. That'll be in the...

Oh, God damn it. We have a good note for the book, and I was too lazy to write it down, but hopefully I remember. Hey, that's a podcast. That's me and Brian Hennigan trying to figure out how to prop me up like Weekend at Bernie's and get me out for at least one more year to entertain you poor fucks. I do my best. I'm obviously dying, at least inside, if not my actual flesh, of which, yeah, that's rotting too. But we love you.

We appreciate you listening. We love you. We appreciate you listening. Please adopt our sponsors and buy merch and wear a Doug Stanhope podcast shirt or a Killer Termite shirt, whatever's for sale at Doug Stanhope slash store that keeps Chaley in business. He has one job. He remembers the fucking STD card or whatever the fuck it is. And thanks for listening. We're going to close this out strong. Maybe there's a Mark Cohen and Carrot Top podcast in the future, but I'm too afraid to approach them. I think I might have made an asshole of myself yet again. Thank you, Brian Hennigan. Thanks. Bye. Click.

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