The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #299: Don't Put Bad Drugs in a Good Head

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

The ups and downs of eating drugs thrown onstage, Kristine Levine silently almost dies and the beauty of quitting with a customer service rep. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Feb 16th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kristine Levine (@kristinelevine), Joey, Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by The SHADY DELL Vintage Trailer Court – [http://TheShadyDell.com](http://TheShadyDell.com) Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug, VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope" and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS -  “Deadman's Line: The True Story of Tony Kiritsis” Documentary on Amazon, iTunes and Google Play - [https://www.deadmansline.com/](https://www.deadmansline.com/) [Alaska B4UDie Comedy Festival](https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/), Anchorage, Alaska April 2-7, 2019 - [https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/](https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/) Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - . Check him out - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast see that that's it that's the apparatus so how long did he say go to jail for that's one of the best parts he didn didn't? No. He negotiated amnesty because he had the upper hand. They did drag their feet through court and end up making them do 10 years in a mental health, various mental health

before they had to let him go. Well, what's that anyway? Yeah. A dead man's a device on a forklift or something where it's like a rocker that you stand on it while you're operating it. If you fall off, it shuts off. It kills the engine or the motor immediately, so you can't run yourself over.

Or the person. Yeah. Exactly. I have a similar thing on my treadmill that you're supposed to hook to you, so my fat asshole. I've never used it, but I think I'm about to the point where I need to. Everyone ties it up around the key, so you can grab your water bottle. Welcome into the Doug Stanhope podcast, already in progress,

catching up Christine Levine on previous podcasts. Come on in to the fun house, listeners. Sit down. Make yourself a drink. Your clothes are going to smell like smoke tomorrow. Possibly forever. It's like the grossest prairie home companion. Nobody bathes.

It's like actual prairie. Tracy used to do a thing when she used to work at the cannery in Anchorage, where her and her roommate both worked on the fish on the slime line and everything. And so when they came home to their apartment, they had a hamper right in the kitchen. They would go up to the kitchen. We are now getting a hamper for the back door when we leave the fun house. We can just take the top coatings and put them in there because it is pretty smoky these days.

We were in here. I was in here all day chain smoking with, I don't want to mention her name, but a friend of the podcast who came in yesterday when she had left some stuff here and was starting a road trip, a month's long road trip across the south and southeast through Texas all the way to Mississippi. She had a photography project that she could finally embark on and had the car ready to go. Oil changed, new battery, all her shit packed. She's going to live out of her car. And she's all manic and excited about it.

And then this morning I got a text. Hey, so more good news. I almost died last year. Got into a rollover, extreme DUI accident. Well, we don't know extreme. Extreme! It's more than one and a half rolls. Yeah.

Tires up. It was a Mountain Dew rollover. Be there, be there, be there! Doug, I was wondering, when you told me about it, I thinking about all day it's it's a fucking heartbreaking but where where in this town can you get enough roadway to roll more than once she was she said she she had a hankering for some nachos she went to the gas station and got some shitty nachos and evidently a lot of cheese because the arresting officer showed her a picture of the interior

of her car after the nachos and cheese went through it like a tumble dryer. And yeah, woke up in jail. Yeah, it's just... Just having seen her so excited in jail. Yeah, it's just... Just having seen her so excited

to finally do this shit she's been talking about for years and being all packed up to live out of her car, which now you can live out of your car as long as you do it at the junkyard. Oh, God. Have you ever been in a rollover, Doug?

No. Anyone? No., Doug? No. Oh, no. Anyone? No. You? No. I don't drink it. When I was a kid once, but I was asleep in the back, so I don't remember any of it. And I once took my mom's Datsun 280Z up on two wheels so that everything fell out of the glove box and ended up down against the door.

I remember thinking, this is what it feels like to roll a car, and then it came back down onto four wheels. I was like, oh no, I made it. I remember as a teenager, Weird Joe Vanselette had this fucking great Cutlass Supreme. Where were you? Worcester Master.

It was just a fantastic. Now it would be a fucking just obnoxiously priced car. It was like a 78 Cutlass, and it was beautiful. And he'd just drive like an asshole, and I'd go to him. And we're turning onto the bottom of my street in Tatnick Square, and I go, Joey, whip this corner. I probably still had an accent back then. I can't even do it.

I go, Joey, whip this corner. I probably still had an accent back then. I can't even do it. And he tried to take this corner, taking a right turn at some excessive speed that there's no way. And he fishtailed one way, overcorrected, put the parked car of the neighbor into the neighbor's yard with his. And our friends were following us. So they just said book it like we got in their car we went to big boys and had nervous coffees debating on what to do so we were sober enough to go back to the accident and by then uh their cops are all over the place and they pulled us

over before we even got back to my street. And they pulled us over and they go, what's your name? Weird Joe Vancellette. And he made up a name and they go, really? Weird Joe, he had all fanciful dreams of being a singer and an actor. He was terrible and he couldn't do any of this stuff. And he had just had headshots taken, so he had the, what do you call it, the proofs. They go,

really? So then who's this ugly fuck? They had found the pictures of him in the car. Smoking gun. That sounds like a fake name to begin with. Weird Joe Ancelet or whatever you say. Ancelet, yeah. say. Ancelet.

Come on. I met him at Job Corps. What's Job Corps? Job Corps is like a voluntary jail. Yeah, but only they teach you stuff. It's like community service or something? No, no. It's an op. Like, I took my kids there to try to get them to go to Job Corps.

I thought Job Corps was something you got sentenced to. That's the only people I ever knew when I was young got sentenced to it. But it's not. If you're poor and you don't have shit to do, you go to Job Corps, you live there in a dorm. Yeah, it's almost like the military... It's what I would have done instead of joining the military had I known it was...

They need better pamphlets. Yeah, it's like outdoor school plus jail. Outdoor school jail. Well, yeah, I commuted, but a lot of kids lived there in dorms, and I went for like two weeks.

I thought about, I took the ASVAB, and I thought about the Air Force, and then I had a fucking dream where they were shaving my head and I went, no, I can't do that. So I went to Job Corps and I lasted like two weeks and I was taking culinary arts

but it was like, you'd go out on the yard for breaks and smoke cigarettes and yeah, save me a check. I remember that was what the black guys would say when you're about done with a cigarette and they wanted the last drag, save me a check. I remember that was what the black guys would say when you're about done with a cigarette and they wanted the last drag. Save me a check on that, man. Save me a check.

All right. Louis C.K. had the best joke about it. He called it vocational school. I don't remember. Were you learning to trade? I won't do it justice, but it was like, we tell kids their whole life, you can be anything you want to be. But then you reach a point where you have to tell some kids, alright, you can be five things.

Culinary arts, plumbing, nurse. I think welding gets it. People overlook that. I always thought my nephew would be great because I knew he wasn't really going to, he wasn't a college kid. And his great grandfathergrandfather invented Hawaiian punch. So they had money.

And any kids that wanted to go to school, the grandmother who inherited all the money would free ride anyone. And I'm like – I kept telling my mom, look, man, your grandson, he's not going to college. Come on. And she's like, you can't say that to him. Because I go, hey, man, why don't you go get a trade, like welding or something? Well, now he certainly didn't get skilled in anything, but he's swinging a hammer. And it's like years later, my mom's all, you were right. He should have just gone to the trade.

I'm just picturing Chaley trying to be all, hey, buddy, you ever think about cutting hair? But see, I mean, I was playing. I was traveling around playing music. I mean, I introduced him into some music and stuff. And we had a really good relationship like that. But at one point, my mom kept going like, so have you thought about which colleges? And I'm like, come on, quit this facade. This is a joke.

Some kids just don't want to do that. And you shouldn't think that they should, like, they'll get used to it. No, I never banked on it. I mean, literally never saved a dime for my kids' college. Just never. I knew. I could just tell by looking at them. They're soft.

You don't have what it takes to do college. Or if they wanted to, they would. Get your shit together and go do it. There's opportunities for them to take advantage of grants and things like that if they want to. If they're lazy and they don't want to, fuck it. Fuck them. At one point when my kids were young, I told Jenny,

I go, we're going to have to start a family business if you want these kids to get jobs because they're fucking dumb, man. A family business. We're like the have to start a family business if you want these kids to get jobs. Because they're fucking dumb, man. A family business. We're like the world above it. Who's going to hire them? Us. I don't know anybody else.

Pawn stars. Yeah. We're going to have to go get storage lockers. I was so right. Thank God. What a hassle. I have to go get storage. I was so right. You know, I always, I always,

the, the mantra is save it for the podcast when you, you came in hot with a story, but I get, I guess I, I want to segue you into your story, but I should have asked the premise of it where Joey here says he almost killed you.

Oh yeah. He almost killed. Well, did I almost kill you? Or was it the guy that. Oh, yeah. He almost killed. Well, you did. Well, did I almost kill you? Yeah. Or was it the guy that. Joey, get on mic. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to make you a drink. Here you go. So, Christine. Yeah, I'll get it. You know Christine has a lot of pain, right? So, every now and every once in a while she'll ask me for pain pills. Yeah. Every once in a while.

Right. Like, remember when Jill died, babe? Remember when Jill died and I we we got rid of her neighbor yeah yeah my neighbor died and i took i took her what was that methadone methadone yeah yeah we stole her methadone and found it useless a couple percocets and some whatever yes and then um and then we traded it for actual stuff we wanted well anyway so that is what happens sometimes sometimes i try to get stuff that we want right and i don, so that is what happens sometimes. Sometimes I try to get stuff that we want. Right.

And I don't do pills, and I can't see what they have on them, so I just give them to her. Because he's blind. I'm blind, and I don't do pills, so I don't know what they are. So I usually get the good ones, but this time I got ones that were just, looked legit, they were blue, but she said she almost died. When you say good ones, you mean the color

is good? There's like five colors of pills. There's all sorts of different kinds of reactions. These are usually green or blue. Yeah, they're green or blue. They looked okay. They're either Percocets or Oxys, I think. Yes. To the untrained eye. These don't smell like Chinese fentanyl to me.

Actually, no. It was Mexican fentanyl. That's what it was. Well, the Chinese send it to the Mexicans. That's how they get it. Yeah, and the great thing was there was a big story on Arizona Daily Today. It says, watch out for these deadly fentanyl pills from Mexico. And it was exactly what I

gave her. I looked at the pills. I was going to buy the paper, too, and give it to her, but I didn't want to spend the money. See, babe? They were trying to kill you. Pillfinder.com It's still there ID Why type all those letters into a fucking address bar

When you can just guess I don't know where my reading glasses are Fuck it I'll eat this Okay fair enough So what I did is I only took half Because I thought this looks shady. Let's try half.

Yeah, baby steps. Yeah, half will kill me. That's the worst part is she knew they were shady. She's like, they didn't feel right or have anything on them. They don't look right. And I was like, why did you take them? What's up? So what? I've done that a little bit before. So what? So I think, like, I'm going to be cool, right? Because I only took half of it.

What could possibly happen to me? Well, anyway, four hours later, I am, like, sweating and shitting myself in bed, praying for death, but then not too much because it's probably going to happen. Like, I thought I am done for. And then I really was just like, oh, my God, this is how Jim Morrison died. Oh, I get it now. Like, I really was just like, oh my God, this is how Jim Morrison died. Oh, I get it now. Like I could never figure out, how does your life really just slip away like a warm summer day? How does this happen?

But I was laying there in my bed sweating. Oh yeah, I get it. But here's the thing, you say you almost died and you didn't tell me just randomly until like a few days later. Oh yeah, I didn't want him to freak out. Oh go, oh, yeah. That's right.

I think he told me because he gave them to me. He goes, watch out, man. These are harsh. See, that's what you kept them. You were still going to do them? Yeah, nobody gave them to me anyway. That's the bitch of it. Because he doesn't do pills.

Yeah, I don't do them. I didn't know what he meant when he was all, watch out, bro. These are harsh. And I was like, she'll figure it out. Listen. I've given her these before. Listen, but you know the guy that gave them to you, he does pills, watch out, bro, these are harsh. And I was like, she'll figure it out. Listen, but you know the guy that gave them to you, he just feels like a motherfucker. That would be like

Chad Sheck handing me a bowl going, watch out, babe, this is going to knock your ass on your ass. And I would take that warning very seriously. You better let that guy cut you off. He's a badass. So he calls me like a week later. He's like, hey, bro, I got the good ones that you're ready.

I'm like, listen, you almost killed her last time. I'm like, he's like, oh, yeah, bro, I told you they were harsh. Because I did want a Circle K and I couldn't leave the parking lot for like eight hours. That's his own Surgeon General's warning. I did say they were

harsh. You can't sue me on this. I didn't even get a discount. He's like, I warned you, bro. Yeah, the guy still wants Joey to pay him. He's lucky you gave him to Christine. Because if anybody in this room except her or I took a dose that big, it would have killed you. We got the advantage of being able to take something like that.

He goes, oh, yeah, I know they're bad because the guy that I got them for, he's not answering my calls and I owe him money. He doesn't answer your call when you owe him the money. I'm like, dude, you almost killed him. Yeah, he's even deader in rehab.

These are really the warning label that you should have given to Christine when you got all this dialogue. This was, I know, red flags. You're right. But you know what? We don't talk. We don't chit-chat.

No, no. I mean, it is true. It was like days later after I was like, oh yeah, hey babe, guess what? You almost killed me. I was gonna die. Why didn't you tell me? Well, I mean, I didn't want you to freak out or stop bringing me pills.

You don't want me to freak out or stop bringing me pills. You don't want me. I knew I ran the risk. If I took them. Which does not kill you. Yeah. It was almost dead. Yeah. It's not worth the lifestyle change.

The best part is when you go, you're like. I asked him for some Anvil. And then he was like, well, I got us these blue ones. Don't take these. I was like, why lose all the money off these we can get rid of them still and you're like no don't give these to him die oh oh so those aren't the ones you traded methadone for no no no no no i meant just i meant that was like a like see this i used to do that with weed because everyone would fucking always give me weed and

like what you said i go i say a million times I don't smoke pot. Doesn't matter. I give you a heavy-handed, I get a heavy-handed handshake for you, and then, all right, who smokes weed? I'll trade you for something else I like. That's what I was always doing at the porn store. People would try to tip me weed, and I'd just flick it back at them until I figured out, oh, wait a minute, and I can use this as bartering.

Yeah, I stopped saying no. When Chad was on the road with me, yeah, I'm not going to say no. I'll just say thanks and then give it to Chad. Well, technically, when I was on the road with you, you specifically asked for it. Yeah. Well, because I'm sure you were smoking more than he was getting as a casual. It wasn't coming in quick enough. Yeah, that's it.

But then that's driving. But when you're flying, even if it's something I would do in the comfort of my own home, I'm not going to fucking fly with it. Yeah, I can't imagine how many times I took shit that someone just handed to me. It happens all the time.

I mean, on stage. Yes. One time on stage. One time? I remember on stage. Yes. One time on stage. One time? I remember one time. There's one time on my Wikipedia page that you can tell when it's an interviewer that doesn't know anything about you and doesn't care. And you can tell when they're just going through beats from your Wikipedia page. And I guess it's, I don't know if it's still on there, but for a while it said,

one time he took an ecstasy pill that was thrown on stage in Scotland. And I go, one time? No, I do remember one time when someone put some cocaine on the stage. And you flipped out. Oh, that was Minneapolis. And you freaked out. And you were like, I can't even touch it. Pick it up.

Like you made him get it back. That was at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis. And this kid, this doughy, dopey drunk kid, he walks up in the fucking spotlight. It's like a 600-seater. And he walks up right and he's like,

it's a heavy-handed handshake. Because I had done a bit about the heavy-handed handshake. I don't smoke pot. And he goes, I go, this is probably not the time or place. And he just kept saying, it's not pot. I go, I don't think you're getting the fact that you're trying to give me drugs

in the middle of a show, front row center. That might not be a good idea. It's not pot. Is it a Werther's? Why would you want to hand me anything? Someone threw me

a chocolate on stage at the Arlington Draft House. Mushroom chocolate, and he just whipped it up there, and I just ate it. Oh, that was where we went to salsa. Yeah.

There was a salsa band afterwards. Brendan Walsh was on the bill, and I ate it. And then I was just coming on as I'm closing. It's the only way you can do hallucinogens on stage is just time it so you're just hitting there when you're saying, thank you, good night. And as I'm walking out, now I'm tripping the crowd is leaving i were probably selling merch and the guy that threw it up there goes i can't believe you ate the whole thing half at best oh it's gonna be a long night and it was you didn't tell me there was no note with it yeah i have to show some bravado.

I was fucking booed off stage at the Leeds Festival with people throwing empty water bottles. They're plastic. Yeah. And then I got hit with a fucking apple core, right, as I was about to leave. And I fucking ate it. I ate the core. Fuck you. Good night.

But yeah, that night we went out to... I had just bought a new suit from Men's Warehouse. This is before the all vintage suits. Is that when we had a day off? Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Remember the fucking Men's Warehouse? Yeah. I remember the year.

It's a strip mall, obviously. And we were surprised at how much it did cost. Because Men's Warehouse was always like $99. I went fucking a little ballistic and I got a fucking new suit and a new trench coat. What's the... Cashmere and a scarf and everything. So I looked like Washington, D.C. when we're at our... And we're right by the Pentagon.

So I looked like Washington, D.C. when we're at our, and we're right by the Pentagon. So I decide that after we go to this salsa, you know. Salsa dance club with a live band and you were just coming on and the colors were. And it's all Latino. Oh, you love it. Fucking like 12 piece brass. And people dancing and the fucking like really dancing to that shit. That would be amazing. Fucking.

And everyone was like, who's this fucking suit gringo fuck? And I was just, I was introducing myself to people. What is he doing? With the top of the line suit from the men's warehouse. All I was missing was the fucking top hat. Monocle.

Like cigarette holder. So we got out of there and then uh walsh and i decided we're gonna storm the pentagon but no it's the pentagon or one of those fucking something like that or cia building it was some fucking place that you should not even and we got down to the the building and we shouldn't be here it's probably not the pent. I remember there was a picture. We were at a Holiday Inn. I know that. You took a picture of me

in a fancy chair, like wingback kind of chair, and I was passed out. And then they're taking pictures. Walsh had gone down into one of the conference rooms and taken an American flag. No, it was up because we were

trying to get on the roof after we disbanded our storm the pentagon idea somehow you got a flag i thought you guys got it from we're trying to get on the roof we found the flag because we tried to get on the roof and that we couldn't figure out how to get on the roof but since we're on the top floor they had a big conference room and we found this giant fucking american with the gold fringe and the eagle on the top and everything and then a big conference room, and we found this giant fucking American flag. With the gold fringe and the eagle on the top and everything. And then they're taking pictures of, like, trying to stab me with it. But I'm out cold. They're telling me this the next day, and then I see the pictures.

First, you see the flag. It was big enough that you had to, like, maneuver through the door. Like, so the back of the flagpole and the front, like, trying to move a giant desk or a couch. That's what I was going to say. Can't make it through a thin door. Move a couch through a door. Wait, you actually took the pole, too? No, tilt it.

Yeah, I was on a pole. You took the pole and everything. I'm thinking they just took the flag. They had the pole and everything. That's what I thought. Yeah, they had everything. No, you can't wave it if you don't have the pole. Yeah, you need it.

Yeah, how are you going to get through, like, drum line or whatever? Yeah, color guard it. Yeah, how are you going to get through, like, drumline or whatever? Yeah, color guard. That flag. Woo! That's not a good story of, like, not to take drugs on stage, though. That was a fun night. Yeah, it was great. The salsa and everything?

Yeah, I never felt like I was going to die. Yeah. Well, yeah, I don't. I mean, even that, though. The next day, I felt like I could have died trying to fucking dance in a fucking Latino salsa club. I don't think I ever told you guys. Whenever I went to see Burt Kreischer in Tempe, I think it was last year, he did a whole bit on stage about how somebody just gave him a whole bunch of weed

and he had to try to get back to California. He was like, is there any cops in the audience? Hypothetically, if I have an ounce of weed and like $5,000 cash on me and I'm trying to get back to California, how much trouble am I going to get in? He did a whole bit about having this weed. And I didn't tell him I was there. So I talked to him after the show. He's like, oh, you should have told me you were here. I didn't tell him I was there, so I talked to him after the show.

He's like, oh, you should have told me you were here. And, you know, anyways, I left, and I'm headed down the stairs, and I hear, Shaq, come here. Yeah. I go back up, and he goes, hey, you want this weed, man? I don't want to drink this weed. I was like, yeah, I want that weed. He gives me a jar. I was all happy.

Oh, nice. I just got this weed. And then as I got in the car, I realized, like, you know, somebody else already thought he was giving them that weed. You just took some other poor motherfucker's weed, you selfish bastard. You should have said, I'll take half, and whoever is going to get the, can have the other half. But I was just excited to get it. That's what your heavy handshake story reminded me of.

Oh, no. story reminded me. Oh, no, I remember one time, was it the time we were at the comedy store and Joe Rogan gave you like a bucket of mushrooms that were already in capsules, only they were in like a like a meathead muscle

muscle milk or something. Vitamin. Did you say as we're leaving the comedy store? As we're leaving. I have never remembered leaving the comedy store. Gotcha. Well, I mean. Thanks, Carrie Mitchell. Doug I have never remembered leaving the Comedy Store. Gotcha. Well, I mean. Thanks, Carrie Mitchell. Doug still thinks he's at the Comedy Store.

He's never left. Oh, I didn't know we weren't supposed to talk. I think I've been to the Comedy Store with you a couple of times, but it may just be one. I'm not sure. There's a lot of rooms. It can seem like a lot of nights. But anyway, you didn't want to fly home with it, but we did anyway. There's a lot of rooms. It can seem like a lot of nights. But anyway, you didn't want to fly home with it, but we did anyway. And you may not have remembered that it was in your bags or something, but no problems.

Well, there have been times when they're in capsules. I've taken chances several times. And they were just in the little... But yeah, normally, I mean, you normally, we're not riding around dirty all the time, officers. We don't do that either. And we never have cash on the road, by the way.

Bert was just mistaken. He had a check. It was a bit. Yeah, it was just a bit. That's all comedy is. Just lots of fun stuff. I did... I was flying after... I did. Lots of fun stuff. I did, uh, I was flying after, I had like seven grand on me.

And, uh, that was years ago. This was before fucking credit cards and you had swipe. Mm-hmm. You gotta have the cash on you. Alright, yeah, sometimes I have seven grand on me. Do you have to claim it or anything? No, that's the point of this story.

I had one of those secret safes, and it was for foot deodorant spray, and you unscrew the bottom. Like a Desinex spray can. Yeah. But it's fake. Right. Yeah. But I had that in my carry-on, and they fucking flagged me, because my secret safe, I realized, is an aerosol can that you can't bring a carry-on. Throw this away. No. And she goes, you can't have this.

And I reached for it. I go, no, it's. And she goes, don't touch it. And then everyone swarms over this adrenaline in the air. And I go, no, it's not really an aerosol can. Unscrew the bottom. And then she pulls out the cash. And then they fucking, what's this for?

What's this for? It's money. What is money for? What, you don't know what money is for? Hey, hey, don't get sassy. Oh, yes. These are the wrong people to get sassy with. That's where it went.

Yeah. And then they, are you leaving the country? And what's 10 grand? That's the limit, yeah. I go, no, I'm going. I go, because my next stop was leaving the country. Yeah. But on that, like, no.

I go, eventually I will be. But no, not on this trip. And then they, like, went to a supervisor. Oh, my God. And then they made me wait. And it's one of those bullshit things. But asset forfeiture is such a huge thing. It's like jury nullification that no one knows about.

While you're fucking worried about some Trump fucking tweet, shit that really goes on and matters. They can just, yeah, they swab it. Oh, it tested positive for cocaine. So we think you're a drug dealer and it's up to you to fucking fight us to get it back and go through a court.

And fight for years. There's towns that fucking live on this kind of shit. There's a documentary on that, yeah. It's fucking crazy

because you could, there's a story of a guy who had cash because he was going to buy an engagement ring. I mean, I don't know who's right or wrong and all this stuff, but it just seems fucking dubious that that guy lost all that money and his car and had to try to prove that he was going to buy a ring. He didn't buy it.

He doesn't have a receipt for almost buying a ring. And that town, I mean, I don't think it happens as much. a ring you know and then that that town i mean i don't think it happens as much that there is one in nevada where a professional gambler some i think he was vietnamese uh yeah he's fucking gambles huge money in reno and he's going on one of those fucking back roads in nevada and they pulled him over for nothing and took all his cash and prove it. And where did that money go? To the fucking police department. Yeah, so they could buy a tank in Ely, Nevada. All right, let's take a break. All right.

Hey, thanks for joining us, listeners. How about you go pour yourself a nice, refreshing cocktail? Oh. TheShadyDell.com. That is where you stay. If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at The Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends.

I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at theshadydell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from, and we look for reasons to go stay there, come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet.

I don't know. This is Bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right. Also, thank yous, Ronnie Trung. I guess he was here for the Gem Show from San Pablo, California. Did we leave this in the mailbox? I was in Vegas.

Tom intercepted him. Tom was there. But the Gem Show is a huge thing that happens here where it makes all the hotel rooms three times as much. Un-fucking-believable. But yeah, the day off- I hate it. And it's like a month long. Yeah, Joey and I just went.

I mean, we went to go see- It's the whole city. Yeah, we just went and talked to some hippies and it was weird. Yeah. Fucking terrible. It's tense. It's all fucking tense in vacant lots, right? It's weird, yeah.

I just drove by there today. It's crazy. Yeah, just random places. Tense city. Tense city. Yes. And they pick it for the only two weeks in Tucson that it definitely rains. Good for them.

Good. The methamphetamine festival. It collects rocks. So anyway, he dropped off. He says, I'm no Clark Adams, but I'm a huge fan. I stopped drinking and doing drugs, but I wanted to break my streak and drink with you. I wasn't here. So as a gift, please accept my Argentinian silver ring.

And it actually fits me. It's got some weight. Yeah. That's really nice. But did he fall off the wagon? That's what I want to know. No, because I wasn't here to drink with him. Fuck.

That's even better. I want to see the ring. Well, if he wants to. Here's a thank you correction. if he wants to, Doug. Here's a thank you correction. I gave Wally Glenn credit for that unusable magnetic sign.

It's just, yeah, you can't do that. Furious furnace. Yeah. Hilarious, but it doesn't leave the funhouse. Yeah,

it's hilarious. We got a couple more of those and I put them outside on the funhouse so they can, but we can't put them. Well, that's what,

oh, let me thank Mike. Michael, I'm not even going to say your last name, because that shouldn't be attached to you either. You probably have a fucking real job that you could get fired from. But sorry I gave Wally credit or detriment when it was you the whole time.

Wally never emailed and said it wasn't his. Okay, since then, and I don't have names for most of these uh several magnetic signs for the car have come in some of them are fucking huge like if you're gonna make a sign this is the new rule yeah i stole that from bill maher new rule i think 12 by 18 is the preferred size yeah or. Or smaller. Or smaller. It doesn't matter. We could put it on the pickup truck. But here's the, don't make up these signs anymore, because we got some that are just

so fucking dumb. Even camel towing, which I give credit for. There's actual places named camel towing. Oh, my God. Once I tweeted that picture, they're like, yeah, that's actually a real thing from this city. It's a real thing. All right, someone's done it. And now

I'm the hack promoting it. We'll swap that one out. You've got a meme on the side of your car. Yeah, cool story, bro. Yeah. Jeez! Whoever sent the Doug's Meats. Yeah, maybe you should listen to Phil Hendry

from 1990. Oh, that's Ted's. Ted's of Beverly Hills. We want to put our meat in your mouth. Shout out to Phil Hendry. We can't sing the melody because then we have to pay. All right, so if you want to do a sign, I appreciate, and I'm not judging you. These fucking things cost money, and I know that, and I hate the fact that you're sending me things I'll never put on the van because they're either too dumb.

The one that came in that I will put on because John Wayne Gacy's clown school. That was from Bill. Kids of all ages. That was from Bill. Okay, Bill Nash? Yeah. All right, good. Yeah, I can use that one.

But then there's some others that they're either too sophomoric, ninth grade humor, or just too dark and ugly. The other one. Nambla Taxi. That's also. Yeah. No. Yeah, I can't put.

But what we're going to do with these ones, the clunkers. If yours wasn't specifically mentioned, assume it was too dark and not sophomoric humor, and you'll feel better about yourself but but for you don't think your money was spent in vain because what we will do is put these on other people's cars that have out-of-state plates any car that or you yeah and and and put it on where they won't notice. We'll put it on the passenger side. On a motorhome somewhere where they're not going to see it on the back. The Gem and Rock show would be perfect.

Just get a back pack full of them. Oh, shit, we can send some with Christine Levine. Yeah, yeah. Tourist cars and let them drive around fucking town. And then I'll take photographic evidence. Good. Yeah. That would be great.

Okay. All right. I really appreciate it because I understand that you did put time and effort and money into doing these. We're not here like America's fucking good talents for magnetic

signs. I'm not going to shit on you. Stan used a current reference. He didn't say the gong show. I'm so shocked. Good job, babe. Nice. I think you beat him, didn't say the gong show. I'm so shocked. Good job, babe. Nice. I think you beat him, though, with the gong show.

I was talking about America's Got Talent with the original hosts. Oh. Piers Morgan's version. What a cunt that guy is. I should put him in my spite pool. So, Chad, you have thank yous? I do have thank yous. I have Grant listen to the last podcast.

No, not the last podcast. It was the one where I talked about the Dead Man's Line documentary, Tony Kiritsis. He's from Indiana. So he made a T-shirt, he said, for his band with Tony karitsis on the front of it is a trucker speed trucker speed he sent us a cd too to check it out grant gilman and trucker speed i want to listen the video was the one with the guy who fashioned the dead man the shotgun around the guy's neck that's what we were still talking about at the beginning of this podcast because i pulled out

a pile of t-shirts so thanks grant, Grant. Appreciate that. There's a bunch of them. There's one for my fat ass and there's some for the skinnier folks. I got a package from my friend Zorgon. This is his screen name on my Twitch stream. I know him from there.

This is Zorgon. When you do a shot and then they cut off your message, Zorgon, at Amazon Prime. What they also did is sent an empty Amazon Prime envelope. So unless you meant to send me air, you have a beef with Amazon Prime, Zorgon. I'll talk to you on the stream probably about it. Your Twitch feed is? HD underscore fatty.

Twitch.tv slash feed is twitch.tv slash hd underscore fatty. Thanks, Shane. You don't have to play video games for it to be fun. You just get on and talk shit. I have a blast in here. It's more of a party. Kaylee plays it over the main TV.

I have one more. It's this giant package that came in. I was going to unwrap it, but I showed you guys before this picture. Brittany at Blank Face Studios in Korea does these portraits. I forget who. How come you can't open it up and show it to us? Well, I can, but I still have to get it home. Can we package it back up?

I'm pretty drunk already. I got tape. All right. Well, you want me to open it right now? And we don't drink and drive here at the Funhouse. No, we do not. I have a designated driver. I have to take it home is what I'm saying.

I don't want to unpack it. It's a Blank Face Studios is one of the things I saw a long time ago. She does portraits with no faces. I liked it because even ugly people can be pieces of art. Yes, put my face in that.

Yeah, I love it. And it takes your face away. Yeah. Christine is saying the opposite, that she wants just her face. No, no. I mean, my face isn't my best feature. I know you think it is. Well, you used to do a bit about it.

I never said it or thought it. I've gotten 20 years older since then, babe. No, I never said it or thought it. She used to talk about, I'm cute for a fat girl. Well, that's just because my dad used to say that to me. As he fed you. Now clean your plate, dummy. That's it. It had to come from dummy. Okay. That's it.

It had to come from Korea. It's packed pretty well. Oh, my God. I call Gump over to open up shit like that. Yeah. That looks like exercise. The people who send you, I don't know why they still make them. The mailers that have what looks like fiberglass in them,

it's like dust, rot, insulation that falls out. It is insulation. It's special. Yeah. Oh, my God. With the celebrity Deadpool. Yeah. But what's hilarious is it looks like he has a face

because they kept his facial hair, his hat, and his sunglasses. Which, ironically, are all things that I use to cover up my face. But in a blank face portrait, it looks like I have. But I do have the death pool shirt on. That's beautiful. I love it. It's gorgeous. Thanks, Brittany.

She wrote a letter. I got it. I didn't read it yet. Here's the thing. Oh, here's the thing. Oh, give us the name. As soon as you showed an interest in my artwork, I bragged to my dear friend Jed Jones.

We both have listened to the podcast since the beginning, and we find equally share your sentiment with the general public. So Jed immediately offered to pay for this painting. It was a lot of fun and more to work on. Hey, thanks, Jed and Brittany. Yeah, that's a labor right there. And I'll tell you right now, that's an expensive painting. So I really appreciate that.

That's a nice piece of art. It's expensive shipping. No shipping. Yeah, man. It's just the fucking magnetic signs. Like some of those, they're like fucking three feet long and they're heavy as shit. Like I think you'd pull a car door

off. One last, for bingo, Connor sent a montage of all these Marlboro cigarette packages he cut off, different types of Marlboro.

He just made a fucking thing. He made a piece of art out of cigarettes. Here, you throw it away. Yeah. That will be available at your thrift store. Disney Road, starting tomorrow.

I do love how people will make you stuff. I love how people make you stuff and then like six months later it's like bye bye recycle I can't keep all this shit I love he autographed it on the outside of the glass

it's a piece of art but he didn't think oh I should put my name on it ah fuck I'm not taking it all out it's like you repackaging that painting I had somewhere to go at the end of this but I get some Ah, fuck, I'm not taking it all out. It's like you repackaging that paper. I had somewhere to go at the end of this, but I get some, I just, these are brief notes. Well, those are the thank yous. I don't know if you, the listener, have nextdoor.com.

It's like a Facebook slash Craigslist just for your neighborhood. But it's an app that you download and then based on your zip code and your location also a website i don't do apps yeah but the app on your phone you don't have to go to the website and you can get notices when something's going on in your neighborhood or lost dog or fuck it's great here having a garage sale because we live in a little township well in bisbee of 5 000 people our section of Bisbee is Warren. So it's specific for the Warren neighborhood of Bisbee. So I don't know how it works. I know Morgan Murphy has it for Silver Lake.

They have it in my neighborhood too, but I don't like neighbors, so I don't want to talk to them. Well, the biggest thread ever, except for what I was... They're probably talking about you on it. That's what I'm afraid of. There was one, I trolled it a little bit, but again, you have to be soft here. You had something about the butterfly? Yeah, there's a spring of butterflies. There's yellow butterflies flying all over the place for a couple of weeks.

And I said that I had hired crop dusters to come down to get rid of this plague of butterflies. Like I was doing a service to the neighborhood. But a couple of people were like, you can't do that. The Attorney General hears about that

and I go, well, next it's going to be ladybugs just can't fuck with it that was the longest thread by far until stanhope is trolling non-public forums people he's gonna walk by on the street i mean these are the people this is our neighborhood they'll know me i won't know them but there's been a there's a couple of tweakers that have been stealing shit out of people's fucking yards. And this thread is going like, I'm waiting for it to go Lord of the flies with fucking justice.

Cause at one point, some lady took a picture of a guy with a bald head, a biker beard. And he said, he's mapping out sewer lines for the city. And that sounded suspicious. And then someone else chimes in, I think that's Bruce McGillicuddy that works for the water department.

He works for the city. He's just naturally thin. We don't have thorn in the water. No, he wasn't thin at all. He looked like Chad Shank with a bald head. There's national style conspiracy theories happening on the neighborhood level at this point. He had plans in his hand. Let's do a truck, a city truck with a magnetic sign on the side.

We all know magnetic signs. That looks just like she was still suspicious. He was still suspicious. But there is this guy who's a tweaker that is known, and he wears the same red and black hunter flannel, the red and black flannel with hoodie. And so there's a lot of pictures of him, and then that's the fucking guy. So people know this is a guy.

He's just lynching. He's stealing shit out of people's cars out of their mailboxes like they they've seen him steal something out of a mailbox and then someone goes is this the guy and they post a picture on this next door app and someone goes that's the guy who stole the fucking mail from my mom's mailbox but it's also a picture of a guy from a shitty fucking cell phone camera at night but always the same hunter red and black obviously doesn't have next door

because he's wearing the same thing every time if he had a laptop he would have pawned it by now and he certainly doesn't do apps or repaired it taking it apart so I read these the threads and I'm like well I'm thinking vigilante justice and setting traps.

Like, hey, let's set up a fucking, put a fucking watch with all my windows up. It's like perfectly obvious. Just a bunch of copper wire. In your car. In your car. My first thought is, can you please post on your neighborhood app that I will sleep in your car for a reasonable rate? Sign, Derek.

What you should do is take a picture of your worst magnetic sign and then say, oh, someone just stole this off my car. And I think I know who it was. I want it back like that. Yeah, the Fuhrer's one. Somebody took the Fuhrer's one off my vehicle. I'm a small businessman trying to do right in this town. Do you know how big my gas bill is?

I'm losing business. But then I thought instead of the vigilante justice way, let's go the other way and trollnextdoor.com. I was going to buy six Hunter flannel hoodies and have all of us walk down different streets at the same time. Oh, I saw him at 1.30 on my street. That's impossible. He was on my street picking flowers. Was anything taken? Nothing. Not here impossible. He was on my street picking flowers. Was anything taken?

Nothing. Not here either. He made the area better. He picked up trash. Oh, my God. I did troll my next door people in my neighborhood when I lived in Portland. We had a big homeless, I wouldn't say problem, an encampment, let's say. And my neighbors were just all freaking out about it and i told

them that like i feed them i was like running a soup kitchen out of my house and it made them crazy they just oh that's yeah that's a brendan wall shit yeah they just were and then um and then one guy was so mad at me for doing this and he called them vermin and just like said a whole bunch of bad things about homeless people and And then I said, hey, thanks. And I took screen caps of it and then put it in his Yelp review that I put in because he owned a business. He was a limo driver. Oh, wow. Well, they were terrible limos.

But anyway, I was like, this guy's garbage. I stayed at the fucking Rio. You might have heard the last podcast from the Rio. And that fucking hotel just got worse on every level, and I was just snapping. And it's on TripAdvisor and Expedia had the truncated version. They only allow you so many characters. Wait, Rio, the all suites hotel? The all suites, yeah.

It's not good anymore? Oh, well, they're going? The all suites, yeah. It's not good anymore? Oh, it's... Well, they're going to tear it down is the rumor. Is it cheap? The promise. It was... Fuck, I got a great suite for cheap. Your square footage was twice what your house is.

My house, yeah. 1,600 square foot. It's right off the strip, but it's like so... Right next to Tommy Locker's. It's stripped down and they just finger fuck you they got a realtor bringing in people selling your furniture out of your room what do you think about this cabinet will this work for you just be a minute 12 bucks like nothing on the expedia page was true for years like it said oh it's like a New England-style seafood restaurant. I'm like,

fuck, maybe they have whole-belly fried clams. Nah, that hasn't been here for years. It's just all this shit that they said they have that they don't have. So please read and like those reviews. TripAdvisor, Yelp.

Yeah. Pile on those. I wish I was smart and intelligent enough like you to make a Yelp review and pile on. I have customer service problems, and I just fucking yell at them like an asshole, like it's their fault. Yeah, and then it's over. Yeah, and then you don't get any satisfaction. Like your best lines. I actually talked to the supervisor and she immediately tells me the same thing as the other guy. I go, so as the supervisor, you have the same exact

fucking answer as the person before you. Why are you getting paid more than him? But there's nobody there to hear any of my wit. It's completely wasted. You had the best advice years ago on the podcast was you want to talk to someone stateside. Yes. And that was a way

to cut the crap. I'm sure they found a way to block that. They've worked that around. As a matter of fact, I am going to do what I did back then, and I am going to give out the CenturyLink stateside

customer service number. Before you do that, let me just say that at the quiet house i forgot that we're on we finally dumped century link and it's a such an incredible feeling when you get to just go i'm canceling your shit service but i forgot we still have it at the quiet house so i get to do it again and i talked to the lady from CenturyLink who is adorable and I go, but no, it's such a beautiful feeling to fire them. Not you, them. I canceled CenturyLink

five months ago when I started streaming because I had to get better internet service and I said the exact same thing. I'm like, I've had you guys for 14 years and you have no idea how satisfying this is. I just had to get it back the other day. You say, listen, I i'm gonna yell for like three to four minutes and it's not about you at all i say that i know this is not you but you

have to understand how pissed i am but i'm gonna yell but that's what i always say sorry i'm gonna have to yell at you but that's because mr century link will not answer the phone so you just buckle down and take the beating. I don't think I told this when we had CenturyLink here, because you got it in a package with DirecTV and everything. And then we started putting it in the network and getting everything hooked up around here. I had to call, and we were having some problems with our router.

And then I'm talking to the guy, and it's in Doug's name. And I have to do this quite often around here because the utilities are in Doug's name. Doug has no patience for any of this shit. So you have to pretend to be Mr. Sandler. Yeah, it's in Doug's name and I have to do this quite often around here because the utilities are in Doug's name. Doug has no patience for any of this shit. So you have to pretend to be Mr. Stanhope.

Yeah, it's my one job. So, who am I speaking to? This is Doug and your last name? Stanhope? And then,

you know, we go through all that stuff and then we get through everything and we get the router up and this was with CenturyLink and at the end he goes, gotta tell you Mr. Stanhope, big fan. The whole time, the tell you, Mr. Stout, I'm a big fan.

The whole time. The whole time. I'm sitting on that. The whole time he's talking to me and I go, I gotta tell you, this is Shaylee. He goes,

oh, Shaylee? He misses the fucking podcast and everything. That's the dude. As much as, as much as, you know, we moved

because we had better, we had better bandwidth and the service was just better through Cable 1. Oh, yeah. because we had better bandwidth, and the service was just better through cable one. Oh, yeah. And we had to drop it. We're not mad at the people that worked there. They were always very nice. Listen, there's some towns where it just doesn't work well.

The dudes that come out to my house, the actual technicians, they're like, I don't know why they're trying to sell you 12 megabytes per second. You can't get 12 megabytes per second on your client, motherfucker. Save me a check on that. They're always cool as fuck. One of the problems I had with CenturyLink, though, is I would call to talk to customer

service or technical support, and you get a call center in India. And if you have a difficult problem, they will hang up on your ass and you have to call back and do the whole thing again. So at one point I learned to ask for a stateside call. And here's the number. So if you have CenturyLink and you have technical support issues, the number to call for a stateside tech support is 1-855-257-109.

And how did you come by this? I asked for a stateside. I said, I'm tired of talking to people from overseas. Do you have customer service? I got one of the cool people. I talked to a guy for a while. We were on the phone for almost an hour troubleshooting my stuff. And you get to bullshitting with him, and he was cool.

And I told him the problem I had, and he said, here's, ask, you know, call this. When I was putting out CDs or early DVDs, PayPal would shut me down. When I'd put one out because that day all of a sudden you've got all this money and that's suspicious and they would just shut off your account there'd be a spike in deposits and they red flag that and then

they freeze your assets but you can't get a hold of anyone there and then when I would google other people that have had this problem would find out like actual direct to someone's fucking desk call and go, hey, Bill Phillips office. Hey, what the fuck is going on with my account? Go ahead. I was going to say, Tom Konopka has been doing work around here, and so we sit in the truck a lot.

And I fucking love his stories. I got to drive, and there so we sit in the truck a lot and i fucking love his stories they're so i did i gotta drive so and there's no radio in the truck and tom just starts talking he's great and then all of a sudden he gets a fucking he gets a fucking phone solicitor call while we're waiting in line at like a like a like a pilot car like yeah over but to get to to get to our storage unit to bring it all back. So I'm like, I'm going to sit here for like eight minutes and I'm like, Tom, take the call.

And he does it and he starts, because Tom, him and Doug worked boiler rooms for years, right? And Tom goes into like a Middle Eastern, like he's,

if you told me he knew how to speak Farsi, I would have to say, fucking Tom can translate for you. What? Because he went into some fucking thing where the... I'm like, what the fuck? Tom hangs up the phone because the guy clicked that,

like, hung up on me. He goes, now that guy will take me off the list. Because I'm not a guy. I'm not a douchebag who tried to, like, make a joke guy I'm not a douche bag who tried to like make a joke because that guy those guys don't care those guys don't care they'll just move you onto another list

I'm off the list it's fucking great oh my god I wish I could do that with my doctors though I mean I wish I could be like when an Indian doctor comes in or a doctor from Nigeria I wish I could be like, when an Indian doctor comes in, or a doctor from Nigeria, I wish I could be like, can I talk to somebody

stateside? You know what I mean? With a doctor, I would prefer... They're as qualified as anyone else. They don't know the communication. I don't have a problem with their nationality or their color. I'm not a racist.

I'm a linguist. I want them to speak whole English, like all the way their whole life. Or comprehend what you're saying. Or get colorful. I mean, yeah, even maybe the language isn't too bad. Or the nationality, for sure not. But one time I had a doctor that had Tourette's, and he refused to acknowledge it.

That's what pissed me off. I'm not only a doctor. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b Wait, maybe you have... So instead of cussing, he taught himself to go... But then I was like, are you really not even going to talk about what you're just fucking doing in the middle of a sentence? Can't even acknowledge it. Yeah, can you not even... I used to say that my dad would tear the most horrific, beautiful, audible farts. Just like, and not flinch.

And you go, that's funny. If you lifted a leg and did that. Drive it home. Yeah, a little dazzle dazzle. Do a little gun finger at me. But for you to just do that while you're scrambling eggs and not address it makes it fucking awkward and terrible.

Yeah. Does not even say anything about it. No. Pull my finger. Pull my finger. I get a tick. Oh, shit. Okay.

Can I get somebody stateside? I'm going to do that. Got it. Can I get a stateside doctor? Can I get a stateside doctor? Or just, yeah. You could probably, I mean, to actually try to help you with your situation, you could probably just ask for RNN or someone else to come in and help you out.

Yeah, and help me talk to them. Yeah, a lot of times, I mean, I don't know. They don't want to miscommunicate anything. No, no, no. I know that they are, but I can tell just by the way they respond to me that they're not getting what I'm talking about. Yeah. These guys probably don't understand that we are at the whim

of whoever we have to see. We don't get a choice. We're poor. Here's the thing. I get people shoved down my throat. This is what you get, bitch. You're also the people that judge pills by

color. And texture. Come on, come on. Only because I have to. Did you take a pill that you didn't even know what it was? I posted a picture. What are you, an idiot? Are you going to talk about that part?

The VA gave me some pills a while back, and when they sent it to me, it has a list of side effects that is like nine feet long when it's unfolded. I hung it up and took a picture of it. Because at first I was like, this is disturbing. And then it dawned on me. So I tweeted and I was like, I always get disturbed when I see these side effects of prescribed medicines.

But then I remind myself that I've done drugs from strangers that I never asked a single question about. Like not a pill even. Just snorted it. I don't know what that is. I'll snort it. Yeah, me. Is this going to help me? Yeah. I take the same approach

with psych meds. Is this going to help me? I'll take it. Me and Andy ended up buying drywall from a dealer out in Peoria and we both had to test it. Because I didn't believe Andy. Come on now, Andy.

Andy will say it's bunk drugs just so he can bogart it. I guess. I guess I'll go get a Heineken. I know we've talked about this on the podcast before, but Andy Andrews' drug stories are the best because he's the only one. Do you remember when we went? I don't remember where I flew in to see you guys. Denver.

No, it was before that. We bought some coke. Oh, that was. We bought some coke from a guy. We thought we did. And it turned in to see you guys. Denver. We bought some. No, it was before that. We bought some coke. Oh, that was. We bought some coke from a guy. We thought we did. And it turned out to be methamphetamine. And Andy brings it in and I go, that's not coke, dude. That's meth.

And he's like, fuck. Well, he said that we could talk to him. We went back downstairs. Andy gave it back to him and told him it was meth. It was under the guise of, dude, we just met. I think you made a mistake. This is not our order. He tried to implement the return policy

and the guy was like, oh, my bad, I'll be right back. And he took off and never came back. And he's still at that bar. We didn't even get the meth we paid for. Oh, shit. Remember when we were in Amsterdam and we did get the meth?

I was talking to... It turned out to be just high quality coke. That's how good Amsterdam is. I was talking to Bart from Alaska because I want to talk about the Alaska Comedy Festival coming up. But Bart called me last night and he was asking about Andy. And so I go, just got to keep Andy

on straight and narrow. Oh, Andy's going up there? And Brett Erickson. And I go, Brett Erickson is your go-to because he saved us in Amsterdam. And he's like, what? And I go, listen, Bart, I've known you for 20 years. I did more drugs in three days in Amsterdam than all of high school and like five years after.

It was fucking three crazy fucking nights. And Erickson fucking pulled us through. He kept all of us together. Well, because you guys bailed on your sets. Oh, my God. The worst shows. I mean, they were terrible. I was depressed.

I was not doing drugs the whole time. I was depressed the whole time. You should have been doing drugs. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah, it felt like I was too old to wake up in tents like Erickson did. It was strangers in their tents. You weren't in the green room with us, the green room in that little shack thingy.

The closets. The closets, yeah. You weren't in there when the guy from Canada came in and broke a light bulb and made us smoke it out of a 20- No. Like broke a light bulb to like- I heard all the stories. I went-

No, we were there because they locked us in to the camping area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we had to come back. Oh, this is- Yeah, I bailed back to the long ride back to the sad hotel. And then we got ecstasy with more meth in it. That was the first time I snorted ecstasy. Oh, wait, hold on.

The only time I snorted ecstasy. Let me plug that because this is a podcast. This is the Alaska Before You Die Comedy Festival, April 2nd through the 7th 2019. We've got Brett Erickson, Andy Andrus, Kyle Kinane, Derek Sheen. There's some secret shows happening

in the Birdhouse late night. Mine might be one of them. Well, hold on. We can do that. We'll do that off topic. There's 44 comics flying up for this. Holy shit. Four of them are being paid. These are all...

And I go, that's beautiful. That's how you get people to look at it. Canane is a guy I always thought we could do a tour together, but I don't know him. Oh, he's great. Yeah, I know. I love him. It's just when you bring that up, you're like, I don't know what he gets paid. Pay gets weird. And I don't know what he gets paid. Pay gets weird.

I don't know what fan base he has. I'd be more afraid of touring with someone where my fan base didn't like them. I know my fan base would love Kyle Kinney. That was the Hedberg and Stephen Lynch thing where Hedberg was like, he'd be going on second and Lynch already did his set and it was equal sets. And there'd be, you'd be at a fucking 2000 Cedar with the fucking balcony and Hedberg be going into his fucking set.

And then someone go, Steven Lynch. And he'd be like, Hey man, this ain't a contest. You seen him? What's wrong? Can I just,

I like him. We're friends. This isn't a thing and it was he stopped the show that i distinctly remember that night it was it's a bummer because it bummed him out that was like why this is not he was the most sensitive guy you could imagine like that's why he would turn his back to the audience there would be a you just talked about that last night and that reminded me of that he would do something and it was probably more rooted in his shyness than anything else. And everyone's like, oh, there's the drugs.

Or they do something like that. Or like, it would be a sold-out fucking thing, and one person from the above, some chick, would yell out from the balcony, he's David Lynch, during his thing. And that would ruin his night. Yeah. It would ruin his night. Yeah. I'm like, I go, Mitch,

hold on a second. That place was sold out and they were there for both of you guys and that one person is the one that bummed you out. And it's like,

because comics focus on the one person with their arms crossed, I could have been watching a movie. But everyone else is happy and it's heartbreaking. I wonder if chicks in ballet focus on the one dude.

Because for my shows, it's always the girlfriend that hates me. It's arms crossed and the guy's laughing and then they break up afterwards. I wonder if they see the guy sleeping. With a program over his face. He's got his T-shades on. On his nose. Creased over his nose. If you don't like this, I don't owe you anymore.

I always focus on the guy that was trying to get laid and slept through it. So that's the Alaska Before You Die Comedy Festival, Anchorage, Alaska. There's a bunch of venues and like I said, there's 44 comics that are coming up on their own dime to fucking just be a part

of this festival. It's the first time they're doing it. Cass Smiley is the one who's putting it all together. We know her. And yeah, it's the 2nd through the 7th, 2019.

Yeah, that sounds awesome. And if you see Kyle Kinane up there, say, hey, you want to do a fucking mini-tour with Stanhope? He still drinks. Stanhope makes inroads via pod calls. Oh, very shy.

Oh my god, I'm working on a book which I really want to do. I won't get into the business parts, but where I have to call some people to get some details. And I get to talk to Sal and Quinn from the Jokers first. And I'm like, I don't want to bother them.

So, yeah, shout out at them. I need to bother you. I just need 15 minutes of phone time to just get, you know, the story I'm gearing towards. But I was drunk for those five days. And there's some necessary details that I remember you, I don't know if you podcast. Yeah, I need to talk to you. And there's going to be a few people throughout that book that I need to talk to. Because it's a fucking, I am, like, this is book that I need to talk to because it's a fucking... This is the book I want to write. This is

the book I'm writing without having cash to check and then waiting on a deadline. This is the book I fucking want to write. Pre-pitch, right? There's no buyer. You've seen me. I have nothing to say. I've been out here for fucking two days just going through research

material like this. Oh, this fucking lines up even better. Like, it's such a strong opening, closing, just chunk of. Yeah, yeah. This is a. Nice. What's it like? It's a pop-up book, right?

Sounds great. All right. That's a podcast. Thank you, Christine Levine and Joey. I don't know your last name. You don't have one. It's Levine now, as far as we're concerned. You don't even get the dash.

I know. I'm riding her coattails. Yes. That's what everyone says. Oh, my God. He's riding your coattails. She has a lot of them. Chad Shank, follow him on at HDFatty on Twitter

or at twitch.tv slash HD underscore Fatty Greg Chaley C-H-A-I-L-L-E I get so many emails. Chaley, however it's spelled. If you need to get in touch with me, you can get in touch with me.

You'll find him. Just call CenturyLink customer service and say, is this Greg Chaley's number? Oh, I just broke 10,000 on Twitter followers. Woo-hoo! Oh, barely? Goddamn time. Congratulations.

Took you a while. Well, I don't have a Twitch. I don't play video games in front of 12-year-olds, so I don't know. Chaley, one time a long time ago, started up some sort of mock contest between us, and since then I've been smoking. I did a dumb thing.

I did a dumb thing. Yeah. I did a thing that lost me fucking followers I will be back on the road I just spent a week in Vegas with the Hennigan yeah we did some drinking and some antics but we also get some business done so I will be back out

I gotta film the special from the shit you've already heard. And then go back and start the new set. But I'm taking notes. I'm working. I'm taking my vitamins. I'm drinking smoothies with beets and asparagus and kale. And not drinking enough water. So drink more water.

Don't drink and drive. All right. The Transworld Halloween show Don't drink and drive. All right. The Transworld Halloween show is coming up in St. Louis. I'll be there with my brother, Ghost Ride Productions. It's our 20th year going to the show. Ah, nice. And that is in St. Louis. And what the fuck is the date?

Come on. They have the worst fucking website. That's all right, because I'm going to plug. March 21st to the 24th at the America's Center. Come on down. And who else is going to be there? Plug for our friend Johnny Dare from Kansas City. Johnny Dare always comes.

His whole backyard is full of your stuff. Did you fucking see the production? Did you guys look at it? I'll put it on here afterwards. There's fucking pyrotechnics like a Kiss fucking show. I'm like, dude, this is next level shit, dude. Johnny Dare does morning radio in Kansas City forever and he's a great guy and his whole

backyard is set up with shit mostly from New York. Traces and fucking robots with giant plasma screens. He buys stuff from Ghost Ride, which you found out when you did his radio show last time. But he sent me, he's like, I sent him the thing, like what we do here at the little haunted house. And then

he goes, yeah, here's my yard. I'm like, fuck. Oh, shit. Is this a Microsoft event? Everything is fucking blowing up. Oh, yeah, it's crazy. So, yeah, Johnny Deere, you won this year. But we got some plans for next year.

That's a podcast. Hey, thanks for joining us in the Funhouse, listener. We'll be with you on that forklift all night long. That's sweet. That's so sweet. I like that. Yeah. That's it.

We're done. Get it! Thank you.