The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #301: Lock Up Stories - Mental Illness Pt. 2

Episode Date: March 6, 2019

This is Part 2 of the Suicide / Mental Illness podcast ([Pt 1 Ep# 300](https://bit.ly/2UoUyYB)). Gump relives his suicide attempt, Doug remembers the recently departed Uncle Bill, and Back Door Mike & CastleRock Kenny tell their lock up stories. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Feb. 23rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), CastleRock Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), Gump (@_gump_), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by[ButcherBox.com](https://bit.ly/2XIQMLQ) - ButcherBox offers 100% grass-fed and grass-finished beef, free range organic chicken, and heritage breed pork, raised free from antibiotic and hormones delivered to your door. Get $20 off your first box and 2 pounds of FREE Ground Beef in every box for the life of your subscription, go to [ButcherBox.com/STANHOPE](https://bit.ly/2XIQMLQ) OR enter promo code STANHOPE.Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug, VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope" and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -“Brody Stevens: ENJOY IT!” - Available on Amazon Prime - https://amzn.to/2NvPjDPAlaska B4UDie Comedy Festival, Anchorage, Alaska April 2-7, 2019 - [https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/](https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/)Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - . Check him out - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Well, you can't tell it now because we're recording. That's what I just... Sorry, that's what I just said. Now I have to wait. Both of you on this one. Yep. I won't forget. We're going to do this as a continuation. Get in here, Gump, and start your lies. Lie to me.

Lie to me. Last week... Last week on the Doug Stanhope Podcast... We talked about you getting almost 5150'd, which you talked your way out of it. 5149'd? It was actually this one. Sorry. A Brody Stevens, episode two of the Brody Stevens Enjoy It, he talks his way out of a 5150 the first time.

And you had this similar situation. Were you just a crying wolf? No, I just think no one there really knew how to do their job, so it was pretty easy to get out of it. I'm saying when you were threatening

suicide... Were you talking about Safeway? Or when you got... No, we Were you talking about Safeway or when you got... No, we're not talking about Safeway. We're continuing the suicide theme here because... This is a part two then, for sure? Yeah, it's a part two. Because as you know, everyone here has been suicidal except for Tracy and Jaylee. And I haven't been for... I've never really been suicidal except for Tracy and Jaylee. And I haven't

been for... I've never really been suicidal. But you were in a breakup and you went fucking batshit. Tell us about it. That was before the breakup, actually. Yeah.

It's a... I don't know. What do you want to know about it? Were you serious? That was before the breakup, actually. Yeah. I don't know. What do you want to know about it? Were you serious? Yeah. Or were you just crying wolf? In the moment, I was serious. And then I had a minute to calm down and realize that probably wasn't the best decision as far as how I reacted. See, you have no commitment.

You can't follow through on anything, Gump. He's a kid, for Christ's sake. I'm still learning how to kill myself. Don't worry. Joey, I look up to you. You're still young. You can push that off for another 20 years easy. Oh, yeah.

I'm just going to keep laying on this couch and try to stop breathing. What? Is that your plan? Hold your breath? Do you have a plan? Yeah. I've got to wait it out for 20 years. That's my plan. I pinched my nose, but for some reason I keep breathing.

I just felt like dumb, like a little kid again, feeling dumb whenever you said that, because once I just got stoned and listened to the doors the end and tried to stop my heart all by myself. I was like a teenager. I wasn't old enough to buy guns.

I hope you bring any of this up at open mic, because you're kind of a known... How would you say it? Gump is a non-aggressive liar. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Derek would be full of shit. Non-aggressive, no gain. aggressive liar. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Derek would be full of shit. Non-aggressive, no gain.

Yeah, there's nothing to gain by it. A harmless liar. Hapless. I like hapless liars. He's a hapless liar. Wait, that sounds more like an insult. I thought I was trying to be nice. He's right here, Shaley. That's why that night I's right here, Chaley. That's why

that night I said, hey, come over and sleep in the nest. Because I understand Gump. I remember Gump staying down at old Morgan Murphy's place. Old? That's twice that he did that

and I like it. I did it last week remember last week that was the first time I have a good memory all of a sudden I used to introduce because Shawcroft didn't want to be introduced as

Mitch Hedberg's, and I'd say ex-wife, meaning widow. So I'd call her the old winner Hedberg. I forget my point. I didn't know you had one. I thought it was funny, though. You just kept going. Oh, Lady Murphy.

Oh, Lady Murphy, yeah. Oh, no, you can come down and thought it was funny. You just kept going. Oh, Lady Murphy. Oh, no, you can come down and stay at my place. Because I know that kind of loneliness, especially when you get fucking dumped by the only woman who's ever chartered your whole life. Really? Gump, we figured out.

Gump, when he came here, he was 20, and he had enough stories in the meantime with his ex. Like, you were at your parents' house until you were with your now ex. Like, he's never done anything on his own. There was a brief stay at a meth house right out of high school. Oh, well, bring that up.

Well, I mean, it's kind of on your own. Don't put it on the resume. Yeah, I mean... Brief meaning weeks, months, or days, because you're only 21 or 22, so brief... I was there for about six months, or days? Because you're only 21 or 22.

So, brief. I was there for about six months, I think. Well, it wasn't a meth house at first. It was just... Until you got there. It wasn't a meth house when I got there, but it was a meth house when I left. You can pitch this as a fucking HGTV series.

How to make a meth house out of a nice rental property. Six months at a meth house, weren't you running it? At that point. He's a little guy. You've got to be careful as a little guy in a meth house. Well, it wasn't like you're. He might have been a big guy back then. He's pretty skinny now.

Six months. It's a good run. He's got good teeth. No, no I don't. Well, compared to meth people. Yeah. You have them. Good point. Oh shit. So

what happened when, cause Chad Shank's gonna get in a good suicide story, so with your and I don't wanna Chad Shank's going to get in a good suicide story. So with your... And I don't want to, like, degradate someone who's maybe going to kill themselves accidentally, which is the only way you could fucking kill yourself.

I watch how you can fucking clean up the funhouse, and it's a miracle that you can find a dustpan and a broom at the same time. Are you going to find a razor blade or a gun? Up and down on my forehead. Not side to side. I go up and down. No, not on your forehead, Tommy. It's your wrist.

Who's here? How am I supposed to shoot myself in the back? No, in the back of the head. Not the back, dumbass. Oh, poor Gump. Here comes Kenny. Oh, yeah. Cassarock Kenny. Oh, yeah. Castle Rock Kenny.

For Mayor of Bisbee. He's a no-brainer. How's everybody doing? Kenny, come over here. Yeah, you can share that mic. Hi again. On the last podcast. You're following Gump. You can talk more.

You won't seem that bad. Kenny, so you know, this is a week after this morning. What's that? Oh, backdoor mic. Backdoor mic. Backdoor. You ever been locked up or suicidal? Locked up.

All right, come over here. Locked up. This is Mike. Wait, you ever been locked up or suicidal? Locked up. All right, come over here. Locked up, all right. Wait, you didn't specify mentally locked up or just put in jail. Are we at the 20-minute mark? Let's just do that now. What? I don't know what the fuck is going on. Eight minutes.

All right, good. We're starting talking. All right, well, Kenny and back door Mike just showed up. Hey, you out there listening on your forklift and your UPS truck wherever you're going, sitting in traffic. Welcome to the fun house. I feel like I might puke or spring

alive. I'd like to see either one. Let's get because Gump is... Gump, tell us about when you got 5150'd or briefly. You talked your way out of it

like Brody Stevens does in episode two of Enjoy It. Your wife... What happened? You're in a closet? In the bathroom. Be honest. Tell us. No, he's asking if You're in a closet? In the bathroom. Be honest. Tell us. No, he's asking if you're in the closet.

Wait, hold on. What precipitated this? Remember, let him tell it. But you need to go back to how this started. Let him do it. Annunciate and fucking tell a story. I feel like I should hug him. I don't really remember

much of the day. I mean, it was Selena and I were fighting like cats and dogs as usual and it got to a point where I was just like, fuck this. The high school kids roughed you up. He's forgetting it. He wasn't going to say it.

Let him start. Sorry, I just watched fucking Brody Stevens fall apart. You listened to this gump where they're talking over a fucking... Yeah. Go. Control the mic. I don't know. It was just a

shitty day to begin with. It just constantly kept spiraling out of control. I don't know. It was just a shitty day to begin with. It just constantly kept spiraling out of control. I don't know. That was so long ago. It's hard to look back on it. Tell us what it was like sleeping in the nest of Stanhope. Yeah. Maybe that's good. It was so hot. There, he's out of the closet.

No. I don't know. It was a confusing time in my life. You were fucking threatening to kill yourself because of a chick. We've all done the dumbest shit because of chicks. Fucking talk about it. There's really not much else to talk about. Did you have a problem?

No, no. Don't sit down. Get up the chair. We've all done stuff, like, you know, dumb stuff because of chicks and then we're really fucking embarrassed about it so we don't want to talk about it.

That's fucking true. I would say that. Yeah. That would be my answer. Did you have a plan? Did you have a plan, Joe? To kill myself? Yes. Have I already said this?

Gump is... He has this catchphrase of sounds like a plan. Hey, Gump, if you want to come up and help me fucking set up for Super Bowl, sounds like a plan. But then you say other things and that's what he's... He says, you go, hey, can you grab that coffee maker?

Sounds like a plan. This is not a plan, Gump. You can only say sounds like a plan if it's a plan. If we're plotting something, you're saying sounds like a plan to every fucking thing. It's 2019. Are you degrading redneck culture? Because I also say sounds like a plan to every fucking thing. It's 2019. Are you degrading redneck culture? Because I also say sounds like a plan. I might even text you that back when you

say we're going to vote sounds like a plan. It's a plan. He says it when it's not a plan. It's a direction. Take a left here. In redneck speak, it implies agreement. But the irony.

That's consent, actually. Or the irony, if you're in the UK, don't correct me if it's not irony. The irony is he never has a plan. He might be moving back to Colorado. He might be going on a blind date. He has no plan ever. Maybe that's what sounds like a plan means. He doesn't know what a plan is.

And he's saying, sounds like that might be a plan. It sounds like a plan, but I don't know what a plan sounds like. I think you've nailed it. This is sure jovial, bro. I really hope that Gump does stick around because to run him for mayor, like the last time when we ran Kenny against Derek for mayor, it was a goof, but this time I'd be serious. Thanks. I could be mayor. I was a goof, but this time I'd be serious. Thanks.

I could be mayor. I don't know. You could. Fucking Gump. Gump tried to be a police officer here. Oh, no. He did not. He said he was thinking about it.

He thought about it. That sounds like a plan. I almost went to the Navy recruiting office just for the $40,000 bonus they'll give you. Sounds like a plan. We had so much fun with Derek versus Kenny for mayor. And now when Kenny can't find you, like a lost lover. I don't know if you remember the old podcast where Bingo disappeared and left her phone here. It was the Bert Kreischer podcast. Yeah, the Bert Kreischer podcast.

And then she drove him to the airport, told him, I'm not coming back for a while. Don't say nothing to no one. I was here for that. You weren't here for that. That was 2016. You were here? You've been here that long?

No, I was here a night. On vacation. Oh, all right. Point being, Derek dried up, and now Gump is Kenny's new boy toy. And he comes around like when we lost Bingo. When Gump, he's not answering the knock at the door. Now I don't even knock. I just go in.

Yeah. And Kenny comes over here all bereft of fucking. I don't know what I'm saying now. I can't drink two coffees by myself. I mean, I can, but I bought one for him and two honey buns for me. He doesn't get the honey buns. Oh, that's sweet. But he wasn't there and he doesn't have no friends

other than us and me. That's who he hangs out with. Us and me? Oh, yeah, you know, I'm not very smart at this moment. Kenny, do you know that you fucked him out of steak and eggs this morning? No, he fucked himself by leaving.

Not me. He didn't leave. He did. He chased me down to get a ride to Mornings and had me drop him off. So I himself by leaving. Not me. He didn't leave. He did. He chased me down to get a ride to Mornings and had me drop him off. So I dropped him off at the corner. That was later. I didn't chase you down. This morning, I was going to trade him.

I had a steak, a nice 30% off New York strip steak and eggs. And I go, I'm not that hungry, but I need cigarettes. And I go, I'm not that hungry, but I need cigarettes. So I was going to trade him steak and eggs. Prison style. To go to get me cigarettes at the corner store. Because that's two blocks. And that's too much for a man of my age. I'm a man of a certain age.

But you were here. So I could not serve him steak and eggs in front of you. But I do have Cheerios, so I thought maybe if I give Kenny Cheerios and Gump steak and eggs in return for Gump going to the commissary at the corner.

Inflate the value. That's a nice move. This would have ended badly for Gump. He would have ended up with no Cheerios, nor steak and eggs, and a half a pack of cigarettes. I believe you're aware of the fact that Gump has superseded your command of the Funhouse. How the

He doesn't even have a job! I didn't know about this. Having a job is at the expense of giving your attention to the Funhouse. That's true. So you, Gump is right there. He's three houses down.

An old winter. That's okay. That's a blow. That's okay. That's a physical blow you just dealt to Kenny. Yeah, that's okay. In this podcast that I think Shaylee should call, don't listen to this.

You just, yeah. Look at his shoulders slumped a little bit when that happened. That's all right. He doesn't lock the doors. He probably will from now on. But I'll get my position back. We're going on break, Kenny. And I want you to come up with some reasons that you think that you usurp Gump in the funhouse.

Prove your worth kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Curious? All right. Huh, okay. Curious. All right. First is longevity. But you're going to give him a few minutes to think about it. Hang on.

We're going to break. We're going to break. Hey, what did we say earlier? He's talking tenure here. Cocktails. Cocktails. I hate that. He petered out after that one.

He didn't have another point after that one. Let's stop doing cocktails. Put that... No, I like it. Do you like it? Yeah. All right. Fucking people are right fucking people are idiots all right cocktails go drink a cocktail we'll be right back with kenny butcher box this month butcher box is offering finely ground beef that's clean and delicious and is taken from the most flavorful sections of the animal. The beef consists of trimmings from sirloin and chuck,

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No more discount meat for me. No more discount meat. That's an improvement in your life, Doug. I really think so. It is because when ButcherBox sent me that block of meat, each box comes with at least nine to 11 pounds of meat, which is enough for 24 individual meals. And you can choose from five different box sizes, all beef, beef and chicken, beef and pork, mixed box, or custom box, which lets you choose your own cuts. So what I do, Mr. Chaley, is I get the custom box and I make it exactly the same as the all beef box, just so the guy that's taking the order at ButcherBox goes, the fuck? You could have just clicked all beef. I have to custom pack what is already packed as an all beef box, but I want to be a dick because you know how I get in the morning.

Well, they let you do that. But they sent me this box of meat, the old world pork. me this box of meat, the old world pork. And it's pork that tastes like, because they've bred pigs now to be lean. Wait, that's where pork comes from? Pig? I think so. When they made the all white meat shit, it was basically eugenics of pigs. They bred them to be super athlete pigs.

Lean, more lean. Yeah, but that's, my brother always said the he's a cook and he would say the fat is where the flavor is flavor correct so that's what they mean by the old world pig is it yes you're right it's a fucking pork that tastes like it's a pig it hasn't been bred out chaley do you remember when a tomato tasted like something and now they're like iceberg tomatoes it tastes like iceberg lettuce there's no flavor this pork when you you think back to the the flavors when you were a fucking kid and this is like oh shit i'm not weird this actually tastes like what i remember it tastes like i had so much fun cooking shit when send me another box, Butcher Box.

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Tattooed on your body so you never forget. Hey, uh, Chad Shank thinks that as many of you think, every time Gump is on the podcast, it slows it down and it stinks. Wait a minute, you just threw that right on me? Well, I did. You should at least ask me. I would blame you more than Gump. Is it the first time you had Gump on the podcast? I know.

You just kept pressing him for the story when he didn't have one. That was my point. Then he fucking queerized me when I tried to add on what really precipitated the whole fucking suicide thing. I was with you. He's giving me the, cut it, Shaley. Come on, he's forgetting why he wanted to kill himself. Shaley was trying to inject interesting into the story while still talking about the story. I was flailing and trying to inject interesting by distracting from the story.

I was hoping that Gump was riled up enough that he could actually tell a true story. You were looking for a breakthrough moment. I was. I saw it. I knew what was happening. I failed, but I tried. I saw what was happening. It was a valiant effort.

I feel bad that you tried to say that it was me that judged everybody, even though it might have been true. I think it's very true. I'll take it. Backdoor Mike is on the... He's replaced Gump. Gump has been pulled out with a giant hook like vaudeville.

And Backdoor Mike, you might know his dad had a brilliant podcast or two here. Brilliant storyteller. Fucking the best. And now his son is going to try to fill his shoes. This is tough.

All I was going to do is say that Mike could tell a story better than Gump. I was trying to give you little shoes, man. No. I do remember the last time I saw Uncle Bill. He was on the back porch of their place, which is right next door to us. And it was very interesting because he didn't look good. No. But it is one of those things.

Like, I remember the last time I saw him. And it's a sweet thing for me because, I mean, he lived here two and a half, three years. Almost three. Yeah. And he was definitely a character. As a neighbor. As a neighbor. Yeah.

I remember the last time I saw him, too. He was dead. I don't want to compare experiences. He also didn't look that well. No. I like that, that I saw him and he goes, hey, and he's smoking, you know, out of the back. With a 17-inch ash. I would follow your dad around with an ash tray.

Oh, like 16 candles with the grandma and someone following with a spatula. But seeing someone and then knowing that that was their last time after the fact, I don't always remember those things. But seeing that, and yeah, he probably should have had more clothes on. But hey, it was in the backyard. It was spring. Yeah. Summer-ish. I'm writing a proposal or a treatment

I don't even know what they call it in the book world for a new book and it's about about I went through my tweets of that year and I have me and your dad wearing similar

suits for that thing I have the picture it's brilliant I would frame that on my wall and your dad wearing similar suits for that thing. Oh, yeah. I have the picture. It's brilliant. It's fucking great. When you're at the airport. I would frame that on my wall. That's so good. Because he looks more like my dad than yours. He does in that picture.

That is true. I wish I could... Is there any way to get the footage from that pilot or whatever? Was it the... I don't ever want to see that footage again. The answer is no. I would love to see the one with my dad in it, with the driving. I have that picture.

God, he was so much fun despite his... I don't know if we've talked to you about this, but we would take turns listening to your father. When he came up for football. I did it for years. I'm not only a member, I'm the president. How do you think he got here? I wasn't even involved in football, but I would pretend to be because he'd just tell you these long involved stories.

And then if you had a friend in the room, you'd go, it's your turn. And then you'd switch chairs. And he would continue on with the same story, not noticing. But he was a good storyteller. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was in my eulogy forum actually i spoke about that because there was these stories i was told growing up that were just hammered into my

head you know just you hear them a million times and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah you know i know i know the punchline to everything but uh basically what i said in the eulogy was that's part of his legacy that i carry on is trying to tell stories the way he did, but not as long-winded, I guess, and not as repetitive. Well, we were talking about suicide stories, and Chad said, I wouldn't get into this, but you have a lock-up story. It wasn't a suicide. You're one of the few non-suicidal people like me and Chaley. Yeah, I mean, you have the thoughts every once in a while when you're... because I do have depression

somewhat, but nothing ever, like, I would go through with it. It's like, well, what am I doing here? Yeah, okay, I'm gonna stay. Great exit plan. Like, hey, if it gets too bad, yeah, I'll kill myself. But I don't want to do it now.

I'm too much of a pussy to do it. I still feel like I have something to offer myself, like Netflix. You've had the situation. Who's going to take care of my dog? That's a reason enough. I wish my dogs would kill themselves. Doug's going like, so does your dog. Hey, come on.

Wait a minute. I'm going to reveal a bit of something that I happen to know. That Mike has a dog plan if something happens to him with another member of society here in town they both have dogs to get along and both of them have an agreement if something happens to me you get my dog well done well done yeah that's the worst part part of that is that you don't have a plan so now the people the people that are left have to decide. And I know exactly who you're talking about. It's like, perfect. Of course they get along.

You know, they're both sweet dogs. And now we all know that that's the fucking plan. Right. I don't know how we got into fucking all of a sudden a will. A dog will? I don't know. A suicide pact. I thought it was a funny anecdote to throw in.

Does this count as an actual will? It's recorded. Well, I mean, we would draw attention to the fact that something wasn't being done the way we know you want it to be done. That would be a stink. And then I'd forget. Doug, the part I was going to bring up was you saw your mother in a situation where there was no out. There was no cure for what was going to happen and then it was a thing where at that point in her life that was the answer i think you're shitting on cryogenics but my freezer

hey come go fucking do my freezer we need some That was pretty much the same thing with my dad. I was like, I knew there was no way out. I just wish I would have had him sign up for some life insurance. Can't do it within like six months of dying or 12 months of dying. Yeah. It looks fishy. Yeah, my mom didn't have life insurance. You'd be in litigation right now.

Hey, Jim Norton, you don't fucking sit on fucking Opie and Anthony and check your fucking text messages I was trying to find that picture oh okay Norton on Opie and Anthony would just sit there and Norton would be the funniest fucking guy on the show but at the same time

he'd be checking his tweets and text messages and then he'd just chime his tweets and text messages, and then he'd just chime in with the funniest thing that's been said. That's how good he was. That's what Backdoor Mike is doing. No, no, no. I was just looking for that picture we were talking about. You explain that.

We'll find it. I mean, what are you going to do? Pass your phone around during a podcast? Oh, yeah. We're not. This is all audio. Tell us about your lockup. Tell us about your lockup. Tell us about your lockup.

Okay, so this one time How long did the band camp? I was about 18 or 19, so this was 1995 or 6. See, 2005, so we want a younger demographic. I was living in New Orleans at the time, and pills were all the rage, the volume of Roofies.

This was before Roofies were the date rape drug, too. When we found out Roofies were the date rape drug, we couldn't understand why people were giving them away for free. people were giving them away for free. That's funny. So, this one time me and a couple of buddies drove from New Orleans to Laredo, Mexico, which is about 12 hours each way, crossed the border, bought a shit ton of pills, drove back to New Orleans. You bought Rohypnol?

Rohypnol, Valium, I meanium i mean whatever i mean we had tons of shit and uh just taking them randomly and partying and partying i think we were on a three-day bender at one point and uh ended up at a cvs shoplifting something i can't even remember what we were shoplifting. Pills? Make it up. Tylenol? No, but okay. So I have-

When you're riding dirty with a whole case of pills, it's always good to shoplift for like a pack of ding-dongs or whatever you have. Multivitamins. But no, I have in my pocket, I have the Valium bottle, but instead I wrote on a Sharpie pills on it and it's got everything you'd imagine right but so uh you know i get tackled by security and arrested and uh when they took they they let my friends take all my shit with them my wallet my bottle

of pills they didn't even check whatever Whatever. Your friends need your prescription. So I get taken to what's called OPP, Orleans Parish Prison. Hello, OPP. Hey, OPP. And this is a Friday, and jail rules. If you're in past 7 or 8 o'clock, you're in for the weekend. Monday. Fuck President's Day.

What's President's Day? You're going to spend another day in here? It's getting timed. I can't remember if it was 7 or 8 o'clock, but I was very close. I'm sorry. At one point while I'm in jail, I look in my pockets, and in that little change pocket, I still have one roofie. Oh.

So what do I do? I roofie myself in jail. If I'm going to get raped, I'm sleeping through it. Exactly. No dark memories on this behalf. But luckily, my friend Mel, who was a shout out to mel mel which is not his real name but that's what we called him he uh he was a student at tulane good because if they googled mel from tulane 1995 or six uh mel gets me a lawyer and gets me bailed out.

Jew. And not only a lawyer, he's the son of the president of Tulane, even Kelly's son. Oh, jeez. Can we give him a way to say that to the even more? Was it social? I mean, what's left? He might have a Wikipedia page.

So, busted out of jail, half hour before I got to spend the weekend in there. And, of course, my friends are waiting out in front of the jail in the back of a pickup truck with a bottle of pills. Let's fucking party. And then eventually the charges got dropped. I got away with it. Whatever I did, I don't know. It was a haze.

So you spent 20 nights. Why privilege? No, no, no, no. It was probably about 5 or 6 in the morning, so I spent almost 12 hours in jail. I mean, that's all it was. That was the longest I've spent in jail. Let's just say that. Well, I've gotten a DUI before when I was under 21, so they...

Kenny's acting like you don't have enough street cred because you were in jail long enough. You said you had a locked up story. That wasn't locked up. I was in jail in Orleans Parish Prison for 12 hours. Hang on. Kenny is desperate to

one-up you. Go ahead, Kenny. I could tell you five jail stories, but I'll give you. Go ahead, Ken. No. I could tell you, like, five jail stories, but I'll give you one. The best one. Yeah. So I just got back. Open on your closer.

I just got back to Ohio after my Castle Rock incident, and I think I had been there five days, and I decided to go to Xenia with my buddy to hang out. Xenia, Ohio is the home of the movie Gummo, which we used to call Gump Gummo, but not enough people know the movie Gummo. So we went to Gump because he's from Mississippi, but Xenia, Ohio is fucked. Yeah. Go ahead, Ken. Got hit by a tornado in the 1970s.

No, they're fucking retards like you. Yes, like I said, they're not me. Not me. Not me. I'm from Dayton. I'm slow. This is why I told you I feel bad. Don't feel bad. Let me go back to my story. Anyways, we're there, and I don't drink, but I was drinking with my friend, and I

think I had four Miller High Lifes, so I'm a little buzzed and then I go to the malt liquor which is a no-no. Yeah, I don't drink. You can laugh it up. Chad, speak. I know I'm boring.

No, you're good. I'm just telling you how I got to jail in the first place. Tell us! How do people think? How the fuck do comedians go on stage when people just start hurrying them up? That doesn't work.

I didn't say hurry. Yeah, you did. I said stop acknowledging me laughing. But anyways, so I get halfway through this can of Steel Reserve. And I start blacking out, but I'm coming through and through. Five drinks, he's blacking out. Yes. Yes, this is why I don't drink.

You guys have seen me in action. I'm fucking chipped. I had one shot right now, and I'm like, oh, shit, I can. Yes. Yes, this is why I don't drink. You guys have seen me in action. I'm fucking chipped. I had one shot right now and I'm like, oh shit, I can't drive. Give me a shot. Give me another one. And so anyways,

the manager of the apartment complex comes down and starts bitching at my friend. Eat the mic. And so he... You can move the mic towards your face. You don't have to move your face towards the mic.

I'm sorry. So... So he does this. You can move the mic towards your face. You don't have to move your face. I'm sorry. So. So it does this. We're captivated. It's 2019. It's going to be 21 by the time you guys let me finish this story. So.

Anyways. Or this is released. Or all cut. Cut, cut. Anyways. So. I go outside to smoke a cigarette. and I realize that I'm buzzed up, and I'm mad at this guy for being a dick to my friend. He's threatening to kick him out and call the police, blah, blah, blah.

And my friend decides to point out the guy's vehicle, which I can't really. I don't want to incriminate myself too much. vehicle, which I can't really... I don't want to incriminate myself too much. And the stuff that was around the property, so I decided to get a little vandalistic. Say that word again.

Vandalistic. I drifted off from this story so much. Oh, shit. The word vandalistic was worth listening to. So, my friend's following me around as I'm doing stupid shit. He gets rid of the evidence by throwing it on the roof, blah, blah, blah. We go back inside.

We go to take the garbage out, and I shouldn't even went outside, but I did anyways. The cop is now outside, tells me to go back inside, and I just did not want to listen. I decided to call the cop a dick. You don't do that in Xenia because they are retarded dicks. Excuse my French again. And I get cuffed and taken to jail. So now I'm in jail, shit tank drunk,

in a cell because I'm yelling. I remember yelling this. I will hang myself with my jail pants along with suicide. This is, you know, I've used this before and it usually works to get me by myself and not in with a bunch of people,

but not this time. Gaslight, rock, candy. Like in a party scenario? So now I'm in the videotape area where they got a tape on everything. And I am now in the cell with two dudes, bald-headed white guys

wearing white suits. You know, everybody else around. You're the only black guy in the cell. At this time, yes. I guess. I don't know. But I am so I am so tight. Do you remember what you

said about that guy that just hung himself and people were just talking over him? There we go. Again. Hey Mike, do you have any more stories? I just threw one barb in. Now I'm in this holding cell, and I'm just being processed. And I'm in and out of the cell.

They're doing my ID. They're doing my check-in. Meanwhile, there's a little Mexican guy that's in there. And I'm just from Arizona. He kept saying, no habla, no habla, no comprende, as they're asking him questions in English. And I looked at him. I said, dude, you can't answer if you don't speak or understand.

You just don't do it. You just nod. No, that's answering. No nod. You know what I'm saying. But anyways, yeah. So he's like, from now on he doesn't say a word. But I'm now in the cell.

And these guys pull out this pill and I don't know what it is. I'm just like, cool, let's snort a pill with two white guys that I don't know what they're in here for. But I'm soon to find out. So I snort this little white pill. They tell me that it is Zoloft. Which does nothing. Does nothing, but burns. And it takes at least 10 days to get into your system.

That's the test to see if they'll let you fuck you in the butt without having to force you. Oh, is this guy drunk enough to rape? Yes, yes. Hey, I'm done with this, dude. That was pretty much it. Who'd want to force it? If you can stand this pain, guess what's coming next? Oh, I was just thinking, if he's dumb enough to do this, we can talk him into this.

Well, no, it was, yeah, I don't remember anything after the Zoloft except for the pain, but no, I do. Listen, it doesn't, I was... Did you feel less depressed? Because it usually takes about a month to get in your system before you feel anything at all

with an antidepressant. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. Although, admittedly, there's not a lot of case studies about snorting it, so... I'm feeling it I'm feeling it Although Elizabeth I'm coming Although admittedly There's not a lot of case studies About snorting it So You could be on to something

You know you can smoke banana peels I tried that too I know you did But anyway So now I'm in jail So this guy made me grind up his toenail clippings Hang on

Sorry Kenny Kenny. Come back. I was trying to make it funny, Kenny. I pretty much tried to do that myself. I know. I know. That's why I was trying to help you. Two fucking seconds.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Hey, only listen to this podcast, Hammered, because it only works. Can I have another shot, Tracy, please? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. I mean, God damn. Two seconds. Did you steal my pipe? No, probably it's in my freaking pocket.

That's called stealing. No, it's called borrowing. In the neighborhoods. pocket because it's called stealing no it's called borrowing in the uh neighborhoods he's It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. I'm about to fucking pull it up so I can plug it. And speechwriter, Ducks that roll. Ducks that roll. Castle of cameos. A man who speaks.

It's an old friend. It's an old friend. It's an old friend. It's an old friend. That's beautiful. Zero thumbs down, by the way. That's Kalle Mathisen. That's impressive. He is at number 8KALLE on Twitter.

That guy is fucking great. He does a lot of funny shit. He was trying to come out here and do a show, and I go, get out here. Yeah, you got a fucking stage. I'll put him at the quarry. He's done a TED talk, right?

He's fucking crazy, but he's also brilliant. And it's one of those things where he just started making songs for us it's really good have you watched American Meme no on Netflix

no I hate it because of the name it'll make you angry because they don't fall far enough it's all these people have you seen the whole thing sorry I'm not trying to segue off of Callie fall far enough. It's all these people. Have you seen the whole thing? Sorry, I'm not trying to segue off of Callie.

Wait a minute. Can he finish his story? He looks really dejected. He's been pretty shot. Did you finish that movie? The series. Last week with Gump in my nest.

I didn't close either deal. I think you closed the latter part. Get to the end of your story, Kenny, if you can. I will if you'll let me. Anyways, Chad. I'm over here. Way over here. Is this an evergreen?

Yeah. Is this an evergreen? I'm an hour in. Now they're trying to check me in, and they're looking at my ID, and they're asking me about my tattoos, which I have a fucking gay Libra sign on my left arm. It's not gay, but to them it's a gang sign. They're asking me if

I'm affiliated. Hold on a second. Everyone heard gay. Gay Libras? Gay sign. Gay sign. Wait a minute. Everyone heard gay. Gay sign Wait a minute Everyone heard gay

Gay sign Gay sign Oh my god He's tuned it out just like his parents Oh shit Look To what I thought when I was shit tanked They're gonna think it's gay

I thought I did say shit tanked, they were going to think it's gay. I thought it was gay. We did say gay. I did say gay. Oh. Oh. So we were right. Yeah, but is it a gay Libra? Or is it a gay Libra tattoo?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because if you're in a gang, they put you in a certain area. But if you're gay, do they put you in a certain area? No, they put you back in a cell with the two fucking bald-headed white pedophile dudes that raped their own cousins and nieces. That's what they did. You've never looked like a child.

Which I found out. Oh, Kenny. You're a chomo? I've never been more disappointed to hear something in my life. Finish the story. Now I know exactly how he feels. You just told me something and I responded to it.

I didn't feel like that. You should make Chad listen to that fucking thing that we listened to earlier today and maybe he'll get what I'm trying to say. But he won't. Because he's just going to make fun of me some more. Anyways. Kenny, why do we not make fun of you?

I've been in jail for an hour and I pass out next to the toilet and I wake up. This is an excerpt from Kenny's book, Lifer. The hour I spent in jail. He gave me shit about 12 hours. Wait, I'm not even on 12 hours.

He got dejected when he said 12 hours. He got more than he fucking finished. It's ridiculous. okay he was dejected when he said 12 hours you guys weren't even fucking finished and that's the fucking it's ridiculous it's just now dawning on me that pedophile dudes tried to roofie you with Zoloft

that is horrible go ahead Kenny so I get I wake up I go to sleep with three of us In the cell I wake up and the cell is fucking now packed shoulder to shoulder There's dudes laying all over this fucking place And I have

And I gotta pick up my girlfriend sometime let me fucking finish that's what they said girlfriend sometime. Let me fucking finish. That's what they said. Nicely done, sir. Oh, fucking... Okay, hurry. No, hurry. I'm trying to fucking hurry.

Just hurry before... Can you say more words so we can laugh at you? There you go. Anyways. So I wake up And now I'm in I'm fucking Full on

Still drunk as fuck Puking now There's 14 to 30 guys I can't count at this time Cause I can't I don't know if there's Two of each

Or just one of each But I'm puking so bad I mean I'm fucking Full on tears Cause I'm angry Cause now I don't know

Where I'm at Cause I forget That I'm now full on tears because I'm angry because now I don't know where I'm at because I forget that I'm now locked up. So I fall back to sleep and I wake up the next morning and there's this peculiar dude with gayer tattoos than I have got. For some reason, I felt like I knew from somewhere.

Now, does this tattoo say enter here? Can you stop talking? No. Shut up. If you stop talking? I want you to stop now. Why? Because it's funny and you're laughing too hard? Or you just want to make fun of me too much? No.

Which one? It's a mix of a lot of things. Asshole. I want to stop. I just want to know. So many emotions. So we go to court, which is in front of a TV judge, some lady. And this guy with all the weird tattoos is in front of a TV judge, some lady. And this guy with all the weird tattoos is in front of me.

And I swear that I've seen this guy or talked to this guy before, which I don't even know if I have or not, which apparently I probably did the night before that I don't remember. But come to find out, this guy got charged with every single thing that I had supposedly had done wrong that I think I did, that my friend told me about the next morning. Clear. When I got out. Yeah, clear. Anyways.

He was on Warframe. He got arrested at the same address that I did, okay? No, he wasn't on Warframe. He was on Paxil. He started Lexapro. They found him in the tool shed. Passed out. He started acetaminophen.

Stay away from that guy. He's on Tylenol. Step back. So they charge him with all this stuff that I thought that I was getting charged with because all these little flashbacks of the night before started coming back to me like, oh, shit, I remember doing that. Oh, no.

And I'm standing in line waiting my turn. So I'm standing there and I get to my turn and she asked me about, she goes, so you got arrested at the same address that the gentleman, do you know that? I'm like, no, no, ma'am. Do you know anything about four tires being, no, ma'am. Do you know anything about a tool shed getting these,

no, ma'am. She goes, do you have a job? I said, I have an interview today here in about three hours if I make it out of here in time. She goes, that's not going to happen. She looks at me and says, seeing you don't have a job and you don't have any money to give to me, I'm going to send it to you in five days. And that was that. And I'm like, wait, five, huh? And I'm like, but I have an interview. I'm not going to, she's like, you're not going to make that interview. So I'm like, five days. So I go back to the cell and there's this dude that I, that now has gotten engaged to. Yes, apparently I'm now his prison wife again, I guess.

I don't remember anything about that engagement, but. Prison? So I finished, to make a long story short, they transferred me... You haven't done that at all! You won't fucking let me! I picture Harry Fierstein going, Hello, Zola!

I have never seen anybody tell a story that tells a story on anything I've watched in speed verse. I've never seen anybody that tells a story on anything I've watched in speed verse. I've never seen anybody that tells a story using half sentences because you won't fucking let me fucking finish one. We were all

silent and you would stop mid-sentence and start a new sentence. I watched it happen. I listen to it. I'm very drunk. I don't care. Anyways, I got taught at a public school. My fault. Well, their fault. So, they transferred me from the jail that I was in, that it was comfortable, I thought,

to a new jail, which I did not find so comfortable because now I'm in a pod of- You didn't have no boyfriends at this new one. No. 50 fucking guys and two guards. You're fucked by 50 guys. And two guards. And two guards. And two guards. And let's end the podcast right here. No, I'm not.'re fucked by 50 guys and let's just end the podcast

right here so when I get out of jail come to find out I got married to the little Mexican guy that was not speaking English because I looked at my wallet and I pulled my ID out and his ID is behind my ID in my wallet

his driver's license from Ohio. That means you're married. You guys fucked. Wait, you had your wallet in jail? No, I got it out of my belongings and his ID was in my wallet. You know what they call it? I'm getting fucked by 52 dudes in jail.

You should totally tell this story again. No, I'm never telling it again. I think this is a funny story, but I think it's been deluded by us. That's our job. Hey, Kenny, start over. Please. Please.

Hey, bring that gum. Oh, that was so good. See, I told you we'd turn it around. You did. I said, just hold on. I'm impressed. That was so good. See, I told you we'd turn it around. You did. I said, just hold on. All right. Yeah. I'm impressed.

That was so much fun. Wow. Is that a full podcast? Yes, because I'm hammered. It doesn't matter. I am fucking hammered. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm not going to drive my go-kart home.

Nope. You're in the little house. I was going to be. Go. You better make sure that you didn't throw up In that bed Cause Chad Shank Do you wanna do thank yous?

Always Thank you Yeah I have thank yous Yeah I already did them No you didn't No

No I want you to do them now You always do them now When we're drunk Damn it There's a great way Wait Teddy's got something

I'd like to thank all the guards That didn't let me get raped And remember it at least They were not in the jail that night They were off duty I don't know which part he's thanking them for for not letting him get raped or not letting him remember it

I'm still confused The end of the story Thank you I wasn't in charge If ever, like that beautiful night I spent with Gump in the nest Thank you. Kenny. I wasn't a jumper. If ever, like that beautiful night I spent with Gump in the nest, if we spend a night together in the nest, can you just give verbal consent?

If you get roofied, and I sponge into you, do I have your permission? Apparently all it takes is a Zoloft. It doesn't even take a fucking roofie. So that's a yes. No. That's consent. That's consent right there.

Kenny got Z'd and then he got D'd. Nicely done. Let's do some thank yous. I'm doing one fucking thank you. I've already talked to you about this, Chaley. I know, you're trying to change everything today. This guy sent me some pictures. His name is Raymond.

I'm not going to get... From Northampton, Mass. I don't know. He sent me a bunch of pictures. He's got a limo company. Yeah, he's got some good pictures. Do you remember the last time we did a limo company and it's yeah yeah he's got some good pictures last time we did a limo that kid ss or five five i don't know your fucking handwriting say this is we're in texas and they insisted he's got some badass limos that's like a suv yeah yeah he's good that's

not how we roll on tour so thank you anyway're gonna. It'd be funny to have him park out front like a decoy while you drank beer out back and everybody took pictures of the... I appreciate everything that you send to me, but yeah, we're not going to ride around in a limo. It's precocious. It's pretentious. Pretentious. Precocious. It's pretentious. Pretentious. Precocious. I think it's both. I was picturing Shirley Temple getting out of the stretch limo.

I'm a little stinker. So someone sent some signs. Oh, the signs of the past. They sent some signs from... Here, Chad, hold yours up. Yep. Exploding Chopper... Exploding Chopper Game Coaching.

It took me a second to realize this was an homage to my Twitch channel. Yeah, we're here to glue you guys up. Become a pro today. We can improve any skill level. T-bagging. Corpse camping. Abusive chat. 360 no-scoping.

Questioning parentage. The whole thing fucking has game references. The best thing is the last line. Make 14-year-olds cry. I guarantee it. I love that he put my website, twitch.tv slash HD underscore fatty. That's the first time you said it correct. Because I read it.

Yeah, put this one up. They sent one for me and Tracy for the Halloween. Bloody Stool Halloween Candy Company, Black Knob, Bisbee, Arizona. Free sample. That's funny. That's funny. And we can put that on the shuttle bus. And by the way, you can send just one sign.

Don't do doubles. There's no reason. If you're going to send something, just send one. Well, I've already said, hey, before you buy a sign, they're expensive. Just say, hey, is this funny? Do you want it? Email me, Doug at DougSt Do you want it? Email me, doug at dougstanhope.com. Email me.

Don't fucking spend money if we're not going to use it, because we got some clunkers. And it's not your job to be funny. It's my job. I don't know if we were funny on this podcast, but we laughed our balls out. I don't know if laughing is funny. Someone else was funny, not you guys. I don't know if we were funny on this podcast, but we laughed our balls out. I don't know if laughing is... Someone else was funny, not you guys.

I don't know. If you had to be here, sorry. At all. We might all be out of the fucking country right now, but we taped this for you, the fucking listener, the fucking hump in traffic. Yes, you're still sitting in traffic.

You guys... We only get paid for this fucking hump in traffic. Yes, you're still sitting in traffic. You guys, we only get paid for this if you sponsor our sponsors. So, whatever it is, whatever you buy ever online, put in slash Dan Hober.

That is the most generic podcast commercial that's ever been done. And why not? Why not? Just give it a shot. Even if a company doesn't have a slash Stanhope. Promo code Stanhope. Some IT guy will go, this slash Stanhope keeps coming up.

Who's this Stanhope guy? We generate. We're the first podcast to generate commercials from people trying it. Holy shit. We've been doing it for a long time. Hey, listen. I have to sober up for the next podcast next week, and it's going to take me a week. So let's just kill this.

It's been dead a while. You already said this is a fucking evergreen. How about you just beat it with a baseball bat? I didn't say it's an evergreen. This is a part two. Oh, all right. Yeah, stupid idiot. I'll fight you in the streets.

Let's go. Here we go. On camera. I'll record it from my Twitch channel. All right, bye. Hey, thanks for listening to my podcast. I'm going to kill myself.

Click. Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun dun. The poor way to end the suicide podcast. Well, I've told you before and I will tell you again That when the Adderall hits, I'll be your oldest friend Doesn't matter if you whisper, mumble or shout I don't want to hear what you were talking about

Before the first drink, you're like a thorn in my paw And once I get that lubricant, can't work it wrong I don't burn trees, I like the bears that hug on me Was feeling sort of umpty, now I kinda feel funny Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing, I can stand to hear You make the pounding worse when I start thinking. And I don't even like you when I'm drinking.

No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. The ride gets rocky and I just need a bump. So I can walk the rest of said you're not one of y'all. Oh, there's maybe something that you can't understand. My mind is not the way that's meant for any other man. People make me crazy and it's worth to be honest. When it's over, make a mental note and try to stay gone. Flame proof, death's my name, immune to your ends.

Just leave me with my good friends, my booze and some pills. Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober. Your news is nothing I can stand to hear. You make the pounding worse when I start thinking. And I don't even like it when I'm drinking No, I don't even like it when I'm drinking So don't you worry why I chose the route that I'll fly I prefer it when it's crazy cause I feel more alive I never knew exactly what I wanted to be

But I found that making laughter is a way to stay free Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing I can stand to hear You make the family worse when I stop thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking That girl been

Prackett and Richcraft.