The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #302: Exchange Student Podcast with Michael from Belarus

Episode Date: March 13, 2019

Belarus traveler Michael hangs around outside the compound until Doug decides to invite him in for a tour and a little mic time. Jonathan saves the day as he actually has Russian connection. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Feb. 23rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Michael, Jonathan (@JonMikhailovich), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by[SquareSpace.com](https://www.squarespace.com/?channel=podcast&subchannel=audioboom&source=dougstanhope) - Go to [Squarespace.com/STANHOPE](https://www.squarespace.com/?channel=podcast&subchannel=audioboom&source=dougstanhope) for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code STANHOPE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.Stanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -Enjoy Belarus - Tourism info - [https://www.lonelyplanet.com/belarus](https://www.lonelyplanet.com/belarus)“Brody Stevens: ENJOY IT!” - Available on Amazon Prime - [https://amzn.to/2NvPjDP](https://amzn.to/2NvPjDP)Alaska B4UDie Comedy Festival, Anchorage, Alaska April 2-7, 2019 - https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. All right. We are here with Michael from Belarus, wandering the streets on a gray, cold, dismal, bisbee afternoon. And I was just watching Netflix and had no reason to get out of bed until Tom Konopka's with us as well. Tom was shooing away the detritus out front, and he said, oh, it's Michael from Belarus. He wants to buy some shit.

All right, I'll talk to Michael from Belarus. We don't get a lot of Belarus folk traveling. Not this way. There's Belarus. Belarus. Northeast of Poland. Southeast of Lithuania. Directly north of Ukraine.

What part do you live in? In Minsk. Right here. Minsk. The night they raided Minsk. How long has your country existed? In this territory about 30 years.

But... So it's the fall of the USSR? Yeah. But before USSR it was another big country. It like night.

What country was it? I don't know how to say it in English. Say it in your language. Fucked if I know. You do and you'll clean it up. Yeah, I understand. I can say

everything in Belarus and in Russian and you don't understand me. So, how old are you? You don't look like you're 30 yet. Yeah, I'm 30. You're 30?

Yeah. Two days ago, I celebrated my 30th. Yeah, I'm 30. You're 30? Yeah. Two days ago I celebrated my 30th. Okay, so are you older or younger than Belarus itself? Older. Just older?

Older in countries that appear after broke USSR. Alright. So what the fuck are you doing in Bisbee, Arizona? It's a very difficult question. Tell us your whole trip.

My whole trip started in New York. How long ago? About 12 hours. How long ago? About 12 hours. 12 hours ago? 12 hours in the hall. He was in New York

for 12 hours? Yeah. This is like a game show. This is good. How long have you been in the United States? From 26 January. Okay. So, all right.

This wasn't evergreen. I had to ask dates. Not like it. So, you traveled for how long? How long are you here? Until you marry an American woman? Become a citizen? No.

No. Oh, goodbye, Val. Sorry. You're no longer necessary. Tried. Oh, goodbye, Val. Sorry. You're no longer necessary. Tried to hook you up, Val. You said you were in Miami? Yeah. After New York, I fly to Miami and rent a car and go to Bisbee.

And you said he was headed towards Los Angeles. And that's where you're going next yeah and that's why you're not drinking because you're driving immediately after this podcast to los angeles yeah it's very weird to see a russian guy not drinking is it weird is it okay i'm not russian i am not russian okay i'm belarusian it's a big difference. All right. I caught myself. Wikipedia says that Belarus used to be known by its Russian name, Bylorussia. Bylorussia. Something like that.

No, no, no. Of course you think it sounds wrong, but when I look at it here, it's By-lo-Russia. It's By-lo in Russia. It's kind of what we're trying to do here. Some yeah oh yeah yeah it's wikipedia i mean putin could have written that so some guys under high right it's i don't know yes so you're uh you're 30 years old you're very fit you look like every other i'm just gonna keep saying Russian, but you know what I mean. You look like...

European. No, no. It's very specific. Eastern European is very specific. You all look like you do MMA and drink vodka for breakfast. No. I don't drink vodka at all. You don't do mixed martial arts?

You're not a trained assassin? Yeah. There's some tough motherfuckers over there. Wouldn't a trained assassin- I don't care if it's Belarus or Ukraine or whatever the fuck. Wouldn't a trained assassin not admit to being a trained assassin? Yeah. I mean-

Well, they just assassinate each other, drunk. I watch YouTube clips. They fucking get drunk, and they beat the fuck out of each other, and it's 40 below zero. I asked him. I said, well, where did you stay last night? He said, in my car. I said, hey, I can relate to that. You're doing this on the cheap.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So how long are you going to stay? Stay here? In the United States? Until 23rd February.

How do you make money? I thought you were all poor over there. I'm a programmer. Programmer? A hacker? No. Yeah? I do only good things.

White hat. White hat hacker? No, no, no, no, no. Have you been followed at all by black Chevy Suburbans? We don't have our secret police on you? No, no secrets. Not yet. When this podcast comes No. Not yet.

When this podcast comes out. No secrets. So where do you go tonight? I don't know. It depends on how long can I drive today. Okay. But if we were to pour vodka down your head and offer you the guest house to sleep overnight, then you wouldn't have to drive. No, I should be in LA tomorrow. All right.

See, for one fucking time, someone shows up at the gate like a stray dog, and you offer them alcohol and a place to stay and they say no i like we'll just have to assume that that's how every answer will be from now on out yes michael's ruined it for everyone but seriously why are you guys always beating the fuck out of each other on youtube is that normal life over there it's just getting drunk and no hope. No, it's only for YouTube. In real life, it's different people. I occasionally get emails from that part of the world saying, when will you come here? Fucking never.

Not going there. How cold is it at home right now? Look up Minsk weather. I want to know. It's not much colder than here. Oh, really? As it's here at night. Yeah.

Hang on. Chaley's finding it. I typed in Musk. Sorry. Musk. Elon Musk. Yeah. Elon Musk?

Oh, well. Who knows that? It wanted to check how hot Minsk Belarus is at 1 degree that's I would assume Celsius yeah it's metric dude alright so tell us about your life

for a second I thought Doug thought it was 32 below zero. I did too. No, one degree would be just above freezing. In Celsius. Yes, which is cold. Yeah, that is cold. But it's eight hours, nine hours later there. For our country in winter, it's not cold.

It's warm. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I thought he was going to bust into some Yakov Smirnoff right there. In my country. Yes, we have. I thought he was going to bust into some Yakov Smirnoff right there. In my country. Yes, we have cable. One degree is bikini weather. I was surprised you weren't wearing shorts when he said Mike from Belarus is at the gate.

Yeah. So tell us about your life. You have a lady or a guy. Did you finish why he's New York, then Florida, and then traveling across? Did you get what happens after he goes to LA? You had to drive pretty much straight. That's not a quick drive. Miami to here is a long fucking drive.

And it's all across. He didn't go anywhere else except across the South. Did you stop anywhere? Yeah, I stopped in a rest area. It's like a piss and chat movie. Did you stop anywhere? Yeah, I stopped in a rest area. It's like a piss and chat. That's a good vacation. Yeah, we get that part, Mike.

It's my type of vacation. Rest areas? I don't know. Did you meet any strange gentlemen in the toilets? Don't choose beach vacation or... You didn't go to the beach in Miami? No, the bitch. He doesn't want bitch locations. Did you go to

South Beach? Nothing? No. Where'd you eat? We were just talking about this. Val and I were like, what fast food have you eaten? I assume you, what fast food have you eaten? I assume you're eating fast food if you're only stopping at rest areas. I can't buy any fast food in a rest area.

I usually buy it in truck stops or gas station. Have you had to eat Burger King? or a gas station. Have you had to eat Burger King? Yeah, but in my country, also a lot of Burger Kings. Usually I buy in Walmart or... What do you eat? What do they feed you?

Salads, meat. Salads. Look at him. Of course he eats salads. He's doing fucking sit-ups in the rest area. He is with kettlebells. He's doing fucking sit-ups in the rest area. He is with him. He packed kettlebells for his vacation. I must break you.

That's right. Go for it. So what are you going to do in L.A.? I still don't decide. Do you have any plans for while you're here? Yeah, I have plans, but I have more time than I expected. And I think I go to San Francisco or Las Vegas or continue driving. Good for you. Do you drive all the way back to Miami?

No. I continue driving to another city. Where do you end? In LA. Okay. Oh, yeah. That's what he told me. He's going from here to LA, and then he goes to San Francisco.

He has to change his car, and then he's going back to LA to fly out. All right. I might go to fly out. All right. My car went to another city or another area. Have you had any fun? Yes, it's my fun. What is your fun? Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. My fun is traveling. Do you know anyone, any friends in the states i know nobody i'm your only friend now it's a good friend to have um yeah okay so how long have you been planning this trip is this like a dream come true for you because you don't seem very happy to be here no I'm happy inside deep inside yeah no nothing now that he's inside a building and not in his car yeah he's happy inside a building we've all been

there Mike okay I'm happy only when I'm inside car. When I go out. Have you met any assholes? No. Have you seen any Make America Great Again baseball hats? No. That's good so far. Because I'm sitting in car, I don't see any assholes. So for five days now, five, six days, you've done nothing but drive. Yeah.

And he said he had no... You didn't stop in New Orleans? Unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. I stopped in some cities like New Orleans in Houston. I want to look at your phone and see what pictures you've taken. No, I can can show you. He took about 50 outside the funhouse and

about top on Van Dyke. We'll take some pictures here. So do you listen to the podcast? How do you know to come here? Yeah, I listen sometimes. Not all, not all time, not each. About Bisbee, I know from your specials.

Okay. I know someone has subtitled some of my specials. Do you speak Russian? Yeah. Okay, so you're fucking Russian. Fuck you. No, I'm not Russian. Well, she speaks Spanish, and she calls herself Hispanic, but she's not from Spain.

I'm Latina. Latina? We'll talk about it later. All right. Okay, so you speak Russian. Have you seen any of my specials with Russian subtitles? Did you watch me in English? Yeah.

And you understood enough? He's seen everything. Yeah. We were just down there. He was buying some T-shirts at the new store. I mean, I didn't think about opening it up, but, you know, if we got enough traffic. But then I go, hey, any DVDs, Cesar? I've seen them all.

So he has seen everything, or he just didn't want to buy anything. That's a good out. Yeah, smart guy, Mike. That's probably why he doesn't want to drink and stay over, because he can only keep up the phony accent for so long. It's really Joe Pesci. He's from Iowa. He's Nick from Miami, Arizona.

He could be one of Gump's relatives. I look carefully. Well, his distance, just so you know, I looked it up, from Miami, Florida to Bisbee is 2258. That's quite a distance to cover and stop in only two places. It's only 2,200 miles. Oh, okay. I was going to say, that would be a hauling ass.

It's one day and 11 hours to go straight across. You didn't get pulled over at all? No police? Yeah, no police. He said he drove straight from Miami pretty much to here. No snow anywhere. With all this bullshit, I guess he's doing the southern sweep. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Goes right through New Orleans, Houston, San Antonio Right in the perimeter, smart El Paso, shithole Awful I can't believe you slept in your car in El Paso I'm surprised you didn't get stolen It was on

Track stop Around a lot of people There's nothing Between San Antonio to El Paso There's nothing It was a truck stop. Yeah. Around a lot of people. Yeah, there's nothing. Between San Antonio to El Paso, there's nothing. So you're kind of stuck with El Paso. Why you don't like El Paso? It's just dirty, filthy, ugly.

There's nothing going on there. Other than that, a great place. It's terrible. but L.A., it's going to be worse. L.A. is worse? It's a different kind of worse. The traffic. Flying to Miami, I guess that would be...

I would... Well, no, you flew to New York. So he's really... He's touching all the bases. You drove from New York to Miami as well? No, I flew into New York. But he goes to Miami, but he doesn't go to the beach. He's going to LA. You're not going to Disneyland or Hollywood or anything? Yeah, where in LA do you go?

I'm going to airport to change my car. It's a rental car. He's doing the air miles. He's doing your thing. He is like me in that I don't want to see shit. I fly somewhere. I don't want to see anything. I don't care. I don't want to see shit. I fly somewhere. I don't want to see anything.

I don't care. I don't want to see a temple or a fucking museum. I have a question for Michael. We've covered where you're going and how you're getting there and when you're leaving. Are you able to, because you seem to like to drive, right? Yeah. Are you able to drive like you are in America here, in Belarus? Is it a country where you can go out and hit the road?

Is it right-hand drive? Is it same side of the road you drive? No, they're civilized. Cool. In my country, it's the same as in Europe, and a little difference between USA and... I've heard most places drive on the same side of the road as in Europe. And a little difference between USA and... I've heard most places drive on the same side of the road as we do. It's just the ones I go to that don't.

Fucking UK. So is that something you could do to cruise around? Like you want to go on a road trip in Belarus? Or does it take like 10 minutes to get across the country? Put Belarus back up on a map. Yeah, that's right here. Yeah, do you drive like this at home for vacations?

Just drive around the EU? I don't drive around EU, but I was in some European countries like Germany, France, Italy, Czech Germany, France, Italy, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovakia.

I've never been to any of those. And I never wanted to. Really? I only go to the places that speak English. Scandinavia. You ever go to Norway? No, because I remember you was in Holland? Yeah, I've remember you was in Holland? Yeah, I've been to Holland, Denmark.

Yeah, your last sweep up there, you hit them all. Sweden, Norway. Why you don't want to go to south of Europe? Because nobody knows me there except for you. You are the one. It really isn't like Doug gave a wish list to Hennigan and said, I want to go to these countries. It's basically where they get enough interest,

they'll go, but Doug doesn't want to go anywhere. Oh, actually, in Minsk, going to show his show, one American comic. show his show one American comic

I don't remember who yeah that's kind of the problem with comedy he's very funny what was his name I have no idea we had one American comic once it's you and Tom Rhodes I bet it was Tom Rhodes

Tom Rhodes goes everywhere and it's Bill Burr rhodes i bet it was tom rhodes tom rhodes goes everywhere and it's bill burr oh bill burr went to belarus no no no no the ones that he watches oh okay that's a great one to watch do you do you have any friends that watch the same comedy that you do no you're there do you have any friends that speak english in programming sphere pretty much people who understand English and good on bats do you enjoy finding someone that speaks English so you can talk to them and practice it's so like you're speaking code in my country I can go to to a street like center or downtown where a lot of bars and any foreigners go to this area. And you can go and it's easy to see who is foreigners, who is local and just go and stop

and go. You find that with cab drivers especially that speak broken English and they love to try it out on you and you don't want to talk back. You just want to get to your fucking hotel.

It is nice weather, yes? Just stop. Stop stop and my country taxi driver very bad talk English that's another reason I wouldn't want to go there I want to just tell me where I can eat something that's's not disgusting. You can go to Burger King or McDonald's. Go back to Burger King. And eat the same thing that you eat here. Now, Belarus, is there any kind of shit going on there? Like wars or rebels or...

No, nothing. Pretty peaceful? Yeah. All right. They're not trying to Ukraine that fucking country? Yeah, in Ukraine... Did you have to do military service? Sorry?

Did you have to... Some countries, it's compulsory you have to spend time in the military. Yeah. Did you have to do that? Yeah. You say that? How does the Belarus military look? Formidable?

I can't say. You can't say? It's a secret. Are you a Spetsnaz agent? How long were you in the military? One year. One year. One year. I didn't know that.

Didn't stick? Didn't want to make a career out of it? No, because I like programming from school. It's funny for me. Do you have a lady? Kids? Just lady. No kids.

Is she angry that you left without her? No. No? She couldn't wait to get rid of you? She's good. She's good? She's good. She's in car. Underhood. He'll be right out.

We've had that before. We've had people show up and guys watching football with us for like two hours. Then we find out his wife is sitting out in the car on the street. I go, why don't you bring her in? Well, I didn't want to be rude. Well, you wanted to be rude to her. You left her out there like a dog in a hot car for the last two hours. She's not really a fan.

Maybe she loves... Does she speak English? No. Okay. So she... I guarantee she doesn't think I'm funny. When you try to translate my act

to her, she doesn't laugh. Some Russians translate your specials and laugh. She doesn't think I'm funny. I know it. Yeah, it's funny. To her? It's still funny. For her, for people's...

Generally, yeah. The girlfriend always hates me. Yeah, that's a very American thing. But not Belarus. But not Belarus. So maybe for me, it's just she likes it because I like it. That's a good woman. You got to mark that on your calendar, doctor.

I feel like we should be doing a... I believe that she never hears this. You can do a shout-out in Belarus to us, too. Okay, we'll be right back with the… What do you call it? Exchange student podcast with Mike from Belarus and Tom Konopka, as well as me and Greg Chaley. Okay, we'll be right back.

Cocktails! Duh. The sponsors that I love, Chaley, they sent the ad copy with a beautiful note in the beginning saying, hey, make this real. Make this your own. Make it fit with your podcast, which not a lot of sponsors that don't sponsor us anymore do. Because, yeah, I do try to tailor it. And we do use Squarespace, squarespace.com. If you don't have a website, listener, you're nobody.

You should have a website, your own website. It's easy. I mean, this is a thing where Bingo have a website your own website it's easy everyone i mean this is a thing where like bingo has a website uh dougstandup.com is made on a squarespace template that we uh we moved them around a couple of times in the past couple of years as much as people hoke with us and i'm not gonna drop the hoaxes that have been yeah why don't you get like bisbee funhouse.com set that up build that, and maybe we buy it back from you.

All right. I shouldn't be giving you too many clues how to find our hamstrings, but it's that simple. You can turn any cool idea into a website in a few moments. I mean, it really is that simple. You get your URL, Doug. You know what a URL is, right? Yeah. It's a urinary tract

laceration. All right. Yeah, I know. It's the fucking thing. You get your URL. I wouldn't have known. You get your URL and then you can just park it. You can register it through Squarespace and then play around with some of the templates.

They've got them all separated into different kind of categories. Like if you're into photography, they've got one that are made just for highlighting your photos. Yeah, make a website. If you were born with some stupid name because your parents were on crank and they called you a Constantina LaVaqua. Yeah, well, that's not taken. So have a website. Chances are it's available. ConstantinaVaqua.com. You won't have So have a website. Chances are it's available. ConstantinoVarroqua.com

You won't have to do a dot F-I or whatever. Yeah, you don't have to do a dot TV. Just make a website. What are you doing in your free time? What are you doing on a Sunday now that there's no football? Sell your widgets. Sell your goddamn widgets. Yeah, it's real simple with

the e-commerce solution. It's plugged right into the websites. The thing I really like about Squarespace, and this is something that I ran into problems when people started getting phones, smartphones, stuff like that. When I used to make websites, it would look different on a phone than it would look on a desktop. But now everyone's got the iPads. They've got their tablets they're all looking on. Their apps.

These are all responsive websites. They're all going to look good no matter what device your user is going to watch it on. Do you know how good you're going to feel when you build your own website? Because to most people, that sounds like difficult work. But Squarespace makes it simple. Hey, what are you doing? I just built my own website. And then you have content that you stole.

People will check you for the news. They may not steal it, but you can put anything you're involved in. It's a great way to announce things that you've got going on. All right, don't steal. Bastardize. Change two words in the article. Have I gone down a Brody Stevens rabbit hole? Yes, I have.

I am copying Brody Stevens, who had a website. Thank you. Enjoy it. We've got your updates page, which is the landing page for everyone who goes to DucksTown.com. That's so simple to update, and I do that every time we put a new podcast out. You've got your mailing list right on there, which is how you keep in touch with all your listeners. And that's a good time to get on the mailing list. That's how you get chicks.

That's how you get chicks. The mailing list. The mailing list. We should put out a mailing list blast. Hey, I'm on the road without the old blue-haired ball and chain. Who wants to hook up? I would only do that to sell Squarespace. Squarespace.

Go to squarespace.com slash Stanhope for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Stanhope. Just always use Stanhope. Anything you ever buy, use slash Stanhope. Even if they're not a sponsor. You save 10% off on your first purchase

of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash stanhope with all our crazy listeners i don't know if i want to be saying slash stanhope and they're going i think he's talking to me squarespace okay we're back our friend jonathan you know from the podcast, just walked in, who's traveled all over Russia. And I went, oh, perfect. And I said, hey, do you speak any Russian? And you said,

Извините, я говорю по-русски как испанский корова. Which means? No. Which, well, that's... Tell me, Michael, what did he just say? It means that he's speaking Russian like Spanish cow. And why did you learn that, of all things? I heard it once.

It was a British reporter doing this documentary in Russia. And he'd said that, and that was the only thing that he could say in Russian. So I thought, I'll get my Russian friends to teach me that one. But it's got me out of so many scrapes. Because I got loads of friends in Moscow. But what I'd often do when I travel there is I'd go and see them for a week and just get fucked up on vodka. Just have a great time, you know.

But then I'd take myself to some sort of post-industrial, post-Soviet shithole in the Urals of a town or something, and just wander around and looking at war memorials and shit, and go to museums and things, but where nobody spoke English. Because it's like they're, you know, sort of out in the sticks, that they don't do anything. So you're there, and it's really really nice because I like vacationing on my own because, well, I haven't got any friends. But the other one is you can do whatever you like. And even if you're with a good friend,

you're always like, oh, I wonder if they want to have lunch now. And it's always kind of on your mind. You travel on your own. Fuck, do whatever I like. Absolutely. So you'd just be stumping around. That's what he's doing. Yeah, yeah, it's the best way to do it.

He left his bird back in Belarus. But yeah, it's a fun place. But I love vacations where you're telling yourself off as you're walking down a road saying, you've really fucked it up this time, haven't you? Do you have any English ready to get out of a jam like being pulled over by the cops do you have I'll say this like he has Spanish

cow do you have do you plan ahead for any of this were you nervous about any part of America like parts of like the south because the south has a bad reputation have you stopped at a parts of the South? Because the South has a bad reputation.

Have you stopped at a gas station where you're nervous for your own safety? No, I... In previous year, I traveled in India. Ugh! After India... Yeah, anything's easy.

You say, like... Peaceful place in the world, I think. Yeah, I guess I would assume that because of all the Trump shit, that Southerners would be more sympathetic to Russians because Putin and Trump are buddies now. Is that what you think? That's what I guess. I don't know.

Sometimes you have to profile. All right. I profile Belarus as drunk people kickboxing on YouTube in an alley. That's what I picture. If you don't know, I haven't seen anything. You haven't seen anything otherwise on YouTube? Is there anything you want to see while you're here? I don't want to see any specials like museums or mountains.

I understand that. I just like to travel and see how people live and how people drink. I don't know how. Have you gotten drunk since you've been here? Yeah. He refused my offer. He says he can't drink. I drank in New York.

All right. You were there for 12 hours. What, did you drink at the airport? 12 hours. I can drink five times in 12 hours. They have a great word for hangover or like it's like a gen was not really personally yeah yeah it's just a great word for life but it's like more than a hangover it's like after like a heavy death can I see yeah you know when you start going a bit crazy like hangover but it's

the whole thing is pack millets and of milk. It's good. And they've got a... There's like a universal... Well, in ex-Soviet countries, a universal symbol for let's go and get fucked up on vodka. And that is this. You flick your neck. And if you say... If you look at somebody and go like that,

it just means let's go and get fucked up on vodka. Is that true? Yeah. All right. Have you gone through a border patrol checkpoint yet? Because you will in about 30 minutes outside of town. No, no problems.

But have you been through border checkpoint? Yeah. It's near El Paso. What's that? El Paso. Oh, El Paso. Oh, yeah. I guess there's probably shit around El Paso.

But no problem. I, El Paso. Oh, yeah. I guess there's probably shit loads around El Paso. But no problem. I don't know nothing. It's my paper. No, no problem. Just smile at Border Patrol. Yeah, you look pretty Aryan Nation. I mean, he got through our Border Patrol. He smiled.

Up on Van Dyke. Yeah. Just by smiling. He just smiled at Tom. I wish I had something fun for you. We were just talking. We sometimes play urine roulette. Do they call Russian roulette Russian roulette over there?

No. Do you know what Russian roulette is? Yeah. They don't call it Russian roulette? Do they call it American roulette? Russian roulette over there? No. Do you know what Russian roulette is? Yeah. They don't call it Russian roulette? Do they call it American roulette? Only in American movies. So you never played? No.

No one. We do it with squirt guns. You know what a squirt gun is? Water gun? Yeah. For kids? Yeah. Five guns are filled with tequila, one with piss.

And you just pick it up blind and squirt it in your mouth and hope it's tequila. It's cool. We'll try. It's cool. We don't have the squirt guns. We're unprepared for your arrival. You should have emailed me and told me you were coming. Oh, Chris Castles put were coming. Oh, Chris

Castles put this up. Oh, here we go. This is piss roulette, but unfortunately this podcast is audio only. Yeah. Fucking Opie and Anthony would do this all the time. Oh, it's Shawnee and Bingo. Yeah.

Yeah, they would put on clips and talk about them, but you couldn't see it. But yeah, this is one Super Bowl party with Bingo versus Shawnee. He just pisses it. Piss roulette. I think it was Tracy's piss. That's the thing. We make sure a good-looking girl pisses in the squirt gun, so it takes a little bit of the edge off. Or at least we tell them.

That's what we say. All right. Enough of this. It doesn't help the podcast. No, we'll put a link in the show notes, and you can watch it if you haven't. I didn't know this was up, and Chris Castle did that. You don't want to see or to show finish of this video? Oh, he wants to.

It's going to end by here. We can watch it after the podcast. I'll put it on the big screen afterwards. We'll have audio too. You can hear it. So what's your name? Is it Mikhail? Mikhail.

He had me sign it in the American version of Michael when he gets back to customs. Because I don't know how to write in English, Michael. My middle name is Mikhailovich. I don't know.

But I'm not Russian at all. Jonathan, how did you end up in Russia? So, I nearly died up a mountain in the Altai Mountains in Siberia, but my Russian friends saved me. It was their reason we got into some trouble going up this mountain.

Not like ropes and picks and shit, but it was like a very steep mountain. Hike. Yeah, it was like a very severe hike. And because Russian males are normally just fucking crazy and have no concept of personal safety, and they're massive on the sort of bravado and just doing crazy shit.

I mean, it's just genetic. They're mad fuckers. Told you. Totally disorganized and useless as well. I find if you get three Russians together, you will achieve nothing that day. It's like injuries. It's just like, okay, so today we have to go and buy a ticket or something for a train journey we're going to do in three days.

So there's three of us. We're in the centre of Moscow, lots of train stations, lots of places to buy tickets. Yeah, okay, you get through. Okay, but first I just need to go to my grandfather's and pick up this book and then take it to my uncle's and then we'll just do this. And then it's like 11pm and you're just blind drunk and the ticket stations have all closed.

And then what happens is you then do that for three days and then you go to the train station and think, we'll just buy a ticket before we get on this journey and then the train's completely sold out. And then they've just got this absolute indignation and fury with the world that they can't book a ticket and do this just because of their complete ineptitude

at organising anything. And then they just get really angry, and then that'll ruin their entire day. I can't remember where I was going with that. Okay, go ahead. I don't want to... But yeah, I went up a mountain, nearly died, but they're also

just incredibly brave and just you know like i was saying but crazy and uh and four of my friends actually physically carried me to the top of the hill where i was in such bad shape oh no way we're not gonna hit the top of the hill there's a small bar up there but no unfortunately there was nothing it was just wilderness so we had to sort of march on, almost passing out from dehydration for several miles afterwards. And after that, I thought that was such a nice thing. Because if it was me and my English friends and we had, you know, Mihaly or something, and we just went up, you know, past the razor wire up thing, and it looks like he wasn't going to make it, it'd just be like, well, you know, nice chat, nice knowing him.

You know, sort of see you later. But they didn't. They sort of, you know, just bodily carried me up. And I'm a big guy, and I used to be much bigger. And they sort of did that. And I was so sort of overwhelmed by it, I thought, oh, I'll give myself a Russian name. So I just changed it by depot. So it's a middle name.

So it's legal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one that's on your Twitter, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's a sort of shortened version of it. But yes, Mihailovich. So I know Belarus and Russia are different, but does he describe Russian people?

Are Belarus people similar? They're not. They are dogs. Crazy. Not so crazy. What do you make of the Russians generally? What do Belarusian people make of the Russians? They like them?

Impression. What is their impression? Different. Someone's like, someone's not. But is there animosity? Do they hate each other? When it's, I mean, other than soccer? Did Belarus, was Belarus

in the World Cup? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Belarus was part of USSR and... But were they in the World Cup? FIFA. Football. Football, yeah. And what question?

Did Belarus qualify for World Cup? He's looking it up. No? No? I thought... Not so strong in soccer. Do you follow football? When only...

Team Belarus? One in four years in a big cup. I just imagine you living this sedentary Kafka life with your girl, and you don't speak, and you have one light bulb in your apartment, and you have some kind of old-fashioned romance. Waxed toilet paper. Belarus was in a group A. So, yeah, Belarus was a team in FIFA.

So what do you do for work? I'm a programmer. Oh, okay. What do you do? What do you program? I sort of work in tech, okay. What do you do? What do you program? I sort of work in tech, unfortunately. I make service for logging time for builders. Okay, okay.

You're the man. What does that mean? He makes time card machines, but the digital equipment. The thing that Gunt couldn't fill out. time card machines but the digital equipment. The thing that Gunt couldn't fill out. Do you get into fights every weekend? Fights? Yeah.

Punchy people, drinking, fighting. You're so reserved and quiet that I think when you drink after five days of programming, then you just punch someone in the face. Difference between American and Belarusian, it's not so big. All right.

Not crazy Russian on street. No bears. No bears? Yeah. No bears. No atomic bombs. Is it difficult to get into Belarus as a tourist? No.

Do you need a visa? No, no, no. I do not anymore. I know when I was trying to rush. I mean, to get into Russia is a pain in the ass to get a visa. I don't know about Russia. But it's a separate one. But if you want to visit Belarus, you just fly to airport and get visa for months.

If I stood outside of your house for a long time, would you let me in eventually? Like fight club? I have to stand on the porch for two days? Why fight club? Why dream club maybe? Fight club. They made him stand on the porch like this in the movie to get into. Ah, maybe. Fight Club. They made him stand on the porch. The movie.

Like this, in the movie, to get into. Ah, yeah. No, you're not good enough. And you'd stand there. Yeah, yeah. So if I stood outside your house, your girlfriend would eventually allow you to let me in? No.

No. Yeah, I'd like to go there one day, get around to it, Minsk. But yeah, before it just seemed a bit difficult with the visa situation. It was just an extra visa to apply for. Before when it was more Russian controlled? Is that what you're saying? No, I never went there into the soviet times but always it's just an extra visa i went to one country once which technically doesn't exist which is on the border of russia and georgia and it's a place called um abkhazia and that was the fucking craziest place i've ever been in my life because only three countries in the world think that it's a country except it's a country one of them is russia the other one is venezuela and then another one is some other tiny island yeah something like

that it's like the way castle rock kenny thinks he's a rapper yeah but we went there and that was fucking crazy because like nothing works. Everything's cash in Russian rubles. Credit cards don't work. Mobile phone roaming doesn't work from anybody because the country doesn't exist. Like Georgia thinks it's part of Georgia and they've had a couple of wars there. They had another war there about 12 years ago. And they think they're their own country since the breakup of the Soviet Union. And that was fucking terrifying.

It's like a bit of a holiday destination. It's on the Black Sea Mountains. It's just fucking beautiful, really hot. And it's lawless, pretty much. And there'd be, like, cafes. It's full of Russian tourists. But there's cafes with the plastic white chairs and tables with just fat

drunk policemen in uniform with a fucking machine gun on the table just drinking chacha, is it? What's like the Georgian moonshine stuff? And it's just like, shit, this place is pretty lawless.

Chacha? Yeah, it's a moonshine thing they have in georgia and that was and that was really bad and like a friend of mine we went out one night now vladimir a good friend of mine from lives in moscow he is fearless and he's hard as fuck he does like mixed martial arts and even. Even babies. Girl babies. Girl babies? Yeah. At age 14. We're naked chokehold.

At age 14, Vladimir was the... That's no hug. Was the second... I think it was Samba, which is like Judo, isn't it? Samba? It's like a Russian version. It's very close, Judo. But he was the number two in the juniors in Moscow when he was 14 so he's

pretty good at it so the thing and he's just fucking fearless I mean he just has no fear I mean he's a corporate lawyer he's very bright and you know um but just utterly fearless and it was the only time I've ever seen him so we went out to eat we're in a cafe and Vladimir's wife noticed somebody behind us trying to steal one of our bags so she grabbed it and the guy just stayed like stayed he didn't leave or anything she said steal our bag and then this guy came over and said oh really sorry about that but I was trying to steal your bag but I'm a thief that's what I do uh do you want a drink and then you sort of look around and there's three old boys, one of them who obviously runs it,

owns the place, just mafia gangster, you know, that they run the place and they obviously let him work in this cafe. Because my friend's wife was complaining to the people who worked there, the waitresses, and they wanted nothing to do with it.

You know, like this guy just tried to set it back, throw him out. No, no, they just ignored us. And he looks over and there's three old boys there who just obviously run the place and let him on that. And Vladimir, who's just fucking enormous, muscly, you know, sort of martial arts fighter, and he just said to her, he said,

yeah, this, I really want to, you know, hit this guy, but we can't, we're just outgunned. And then he like looked over to these three old guys who ran the place. And we just had this walk of shame back to our apartment of just like we've just been hogan in your group you gotta slink away but there's just no you know there's like the police are just totally viable you know and you just you just had no recourse to the law in this sort of crazy place that you know doesn't technically exist. Belarus, a lot of crime? No.

Mafia? It's no problem to go at night any district. No problem. It's really odd. I mean, asking him about what his country's like, it's like someone saying, so Doug, is there a lot of crime in America? I mean, it's

where you are. He's in Minsk. Minsk is a rather large city in America? I mean, it's where you are. I mean, he's in Minsk. Minsk is a rather large city, right? Compared to... So the profile would be much different than somewhere else. I mean, I'm realizing this when you're asking that question.

I'm going, well, that was kind of... How do you answer that one? Is there a lot of crime in an entire country? Well... Well, where he lives. You could say somewhere. I mean, some places in South America, absolutely. Is there a lot of crime in an entire country? Well, where he lives. You could say somewhere. I mean, some places in South America, absolutely.

You would say, well, I wouldn't even go there. But I don't know. Well, I can say that about Belarus right now before I even talk to Mikhail or Michael, as he's known here. I'd still not go there. I got a suggestion. He has an open time frame. You said you got extra time than what you thought. That's why you're able to drive up to San Francisco and back, I guess. Sorry, extra time frame.

You've got more time than you actually thought. Yeah. Okay. So between here and Los Angeles, where would you suggest? Palm Springs. Palm Springs? Palm Springs is good. That is some place where I don't think regular people would go. Do you plan on getting a hotel ever?

Or always sleep in your car? No, of course I will live in a hotel. Have you got a hotel yet? Only in New York. Alright, where it's the most expensive? Sleeping in a car. Sleeping in a rental

car. Yeah. Do you have a pillow and blanket? I have a sleeping bag. Okay. I don't know what we can set him up with. I don't know if you have time to stop. You're driving to San Francisco? Yeah. Okay. Well, he's going to LA and then san francisco he's got

to switch a car jonathan lives in san francisco but you can't stay with him because the apartment's this big no i've got a spare room actually you can drop by the spare room i don't need i sometimes go and roll around on the floor in it because to make up the extra 600 bucks it costs the extra room i never use a room up there you can be charging me about it yeah pump by i live in mountain view i'm going to have lunch can you bleep that that's where i work you work yeah you never told me that yeah i don't care but uh can you bleep that yeah i haven't no i was uh we went to Twitter Twitter headquarters which I guess is kind of similar it's all up in the area

like a Las Vegas style buffet and a DJ spinning fucking records at lunchtime at work yeah Twitter Twitter home offices fucking crazy

yeah Microsoft office same way it's like video games and there's a post there's a post office inside

the Microsoft campus and there's also you can do dry cleaning done. I mean, it looks like going to the food court at a mall, like a good mall, not a dead- He will take you to the food court if you want to go in San Francisco. We'll go for lunch. Okay. Fuzzy will do one thing.

Two things. He hasn't even asked us to go. The two biggest things in America. Bisbee Funhouse. The must-sees. Yeah, yeah. Is there anything in America that surprised you that you didn't expect? Every time I've gone to a foreign country, I have an expectation, and I usually am right.

The UK sucks. It's fucking bland and ugly and boring. I expected that, and I was right. And that's movies. Is the United States pretty much what you expected? In our country, very popular American movies. very popular American movies and we know a lot about USA and it's

not a surprise for... But if you watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that doesn't mean you understand American culture. Well, I guess part of it. Of course, but it's not a surprise. It's not shocking. Not like going to India.

It was... No, I like going to India. It was... No, wait. Why India? Because it's interesting. It's a big difference between our life and

Zara's life. Who got the best deal? Who got the best deal? Who got the best deal? I don't even understand that question. No, I think... If it's a toss-up of which country you get to live in, in Belarus or India, who won?

He's asking if India is worse than Belarus. It's not worse than better, It's just different. Then Belarus must be really shitty because India is a cesspool. I think I understand what he's saying.

He's going there for the experience. Like he said, I sleep in my car because that's the way I roll. They don't have cars. They have rickshaws there. No, in India I sleep in hotels. Not in cars.

Hovels? Hotels. Hotels. But I think it's why he took the trip that he's taking is that you like to see the way people live. You like to experience it. And I think that would be one way. If I ever went to India, that would be the only reason I think i would go to india because i'd want to see like what i would just want to be i would go to india so i appreciate home so much more yeah would you go back to india no

a decisive because i don't like visit second time. No. The same place. Will you go back to America? I don't finish with America. He's still got three weeks. He's only gone across the South. I mean, Doug's traveled all over the country numerous times.

I mean, when we went to Montana, remember when we went to Montana and we're like, this is fucking gorgeous because we stayed a couple days. Not in the winter. Not in the winter. Oh, fuck no. He'd go to Siberia. Yeah. Well, he could actually stand it up in Montana right now because it's one degree at home. But you know what I mean?

one degree at home. But you know what I mean? It's like America is so large that it really depends where you go, who you know, who's going to tell you what to... I mean, you meet people along the way. I'm going to show you on the map. If you're driving from San Francisco to Las Vegas,

you have to go through Reno and down the back roads to Vegas. That's the best. At this time of year, it's not that bad. Oh, he'd love that too. Desolate, empty, yeah. That's the best. At this time of year, it's not that bad. Oh, he'd love that, too. Yeah. Desolate, empty, very romantic.

Yeah, go to Burger King in Reno. Yeah, one full day with no Walmart the whole drive. Go to the Bunny Ranch. Bunny Ranch. A brothel, whorehouse, legal. Prostitute. Prostitute. the whole drive. Go to the Bunny Ranch? Brothel? Whorehouse? Legal? Prostitute? Nevada, legalized prostitution.

You go to the Bunny Ranch, girls come out, you pick one. Do they have prostitutes in Belarus? Legal? No. No? But. So big difference, I understand. Have you ever had the services of a prostitute?

I can't answer this question. He'd rather talk about Belarus military. No. He did have to do one year of compulsory military service. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it pretty easy to bribe your way out of that? Can you pay money under the table to not go? That's what a lot of my friends in Moscow did.

Well, they all got out of it. Some of them, yeah, there's many routes that you can sort of bribe your way out of national service. Yeah, it's possible when you know the right people. But you didn't? Yeah. I wanted to serve. Because it's fun. Oh, you wanted to serve?

You had fun doing that? How old were you? 22, maybe. Oh, fuck. What, do you defer until after college? If you go to university, do you sort of do your national service after university? Yeah. You can sort of put it off. After university.

Yeah, some of my friends, my Russian friends, they got out of their national service by many different means. They got out of their national service by many different means. One of them is just endlessly being a student until you get to 27, and then they don't bother calling you. They don't even want you. You can just keep deferring it if you start new courses. Another one, his family knew someone high in the military, so they just gave him like five grand, and then he didn't have to go to the army for a year.

Has Belarus had any military conflict since the fall of the soviet union no nothing no peacekeeping mission to fucking tanzania or some shit with a blue helmet no no they don't call on you guys oh no it's a it's a coalition of three guys from Belarus, 8,000 US troops, four guys from Switzerland. We've got half the military here.

Israel's got the craziest national service because everyone has to go. I think it's two years. I think it's two years.

Everyone, even the women, have to go and do one or two years. And then it's two years. Everyone, even the women, have to go and do one or two years. And then men have to go back for a month every year until they're 35 or something like that. Our friend Bree. Fuck, was her name? Yeah, Bree.

She was in Philly with the band. We're going to walk down to Electric Avenue. Beaver Avenue. Bree was the girlfriend of, what's his name? She did compulsory service in Israel and then she was an Israeli prostitute for a while. What?

No, not Hannah. Oh, shit, I'm screwing up. Alright, sorry. Hannah was there at the same time. No, it's not Hannah. Hannah's a doctor. She was never sorry. Hannah was there at the same time. No, it's not Hannah. Hannah's a doctor. She was never a prostitute or Israeli at all. I'm sorry. It's been a long life. I confuse people.

They were both redheads, I believe. You can stop talking because he think only about Hannah. I thought you were saying, Eddie, I've already... The whole time I somebody like you said electric avenue something eddie grant the whole time what what what sorry i completely eddie grant was a prostitute for israel but yeah another of my friends got out of his national service by bribing a doctor but like this big laws. I mean, the place is so corrupt to do anything, you know, like anything bureaucratic.

You can just insert more money and get it done quicker. But one of my friends, he bribed a doctor. But because there's such severe penalties if you get caught taking bribes, that he had to go and have a, he didn't have to have a procedure, but he had to lie in a hospital bed for two weeks and have intravenous drugs pumped into him for a condition he didn't have. Because if any of the nurses found out, like, this doctor could be in a lot of trouble,

they'd say, yeah, you know, give me some money. I'll say you've got this illness that we'll treat and that you won't have to go to the army. But you'll have to take the treatment for it. I have AIDS. This is not a good trade off look at my blotches

if you could move here on your video I still dream what's that he's talking about lag time in the video yeah there's a latency that's how we doctored it. You didn't die on the property.

You won't be drinking Coca-Cola when we post this online. Photoshop a vodka bottle in his hand. Make big pixels around the cola. Big pixels around the cola. Big pixels around the cola. So you just drove by to see Doug, I take it? Yeah. You just drove here to see Doug? Yep. Is Doug big in Belarus? No.

As big as I am here. What's the comedy scene like? In Belarus, popular Russians comedy. Yeah. A lot of places, comedy is more physical.

No, it's... They do a lot of social commentary about politics and... No, no. I guess you can't. It's pretty the same, but... The same way you can't talk even here about your country, they can't talk on stage. They seem quite into sort of improv, I've noticed,

unlike Russian TV. So you'll have like improv shows and things. I don't know about stand-ups much. And I can't really judge it because I can't really understand the language, but it looks shit. As long as you're not judging it. Do they have comedy clubs?

In Russia, yes, but... In Belarus? In Minsk? Maybe yes, but it's not big qualities. Tell me a funny joke in Russian. I don't know funny jokes. You don't know any funny jokes?

I like to enjoy jokes and I don't like to tell jokes. He's a student of life, this Mikhail. I'm digging it. I mean, he enjoys viewing everything. Tell me one of my jokes that you think is funny in Russian. Let me guess what it is. No, it's difficult to choose. Because I was preparing.

I don't know. You should feed him the titfuck joke. Don't do it all in Russian. Where's Mike the Serbian, man? Serbian Mike. Serbian Mike would be great for you. That's Serbian Mike. No, no, our friend.

Our friend is Serbian Mike. No, no, our friend. Not you. You're Belarusian Mike. Yeah, who's your biggest rival country? What's Serbian? Rival. Competitor.

The one that you hate the most. Mississippi hates Alabama. competitor the the one that you hate the most mississippi hates alabama we like uh everything yeah scotland hates england what about the ukrainians you like them like if if there was a football match that was very heated fuck that country you don't have a Belarus. Everything's perfect in Belarus. You're towing the company line so perfectly. No problems in Belarus. They should tell you something.

They should tell you something. Everyone loves everybody. He's got a point there, President Lukashenko. That's proper King of Thailand shit. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you've been listening to the podcast.

I got to... You understand? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you've been listening to the podcast. I got to... You understand? I get it, yeah. Understood. I'll let that lie. You're a fantastic ambassador for that country. They're lucky to have you.

You look very... Are you wearing a wire? We didn't frisk you. Now, when you get home, will they ask you a lot of questions at the border? Where you've been? What you did? Where did you stay?

I don't know. Maybe. When I come back from Costa Rica, U.S. Customs, what hotel did you... What town were you in? I don't know maybe because when I come back from Costa Rica US customs what hotel did you what town were you in

what were you doing there fuck you it's none of your business but you can't say that unless you

want to stay for a while previous time when I back from India to Belarus

I flight through Moscow it was I don't know When I was back from India to Belarus, I flew through Moscow. It was Russian borders. Yeah. Asked me a lot of questions about what I do in India, why I visit India. And when I was back to Belarus, no question. No one

care about it. They didn't say, what did you tell those Russians? What did they ask you? And this time I don't understand why Russians ask me about this question because I just changed flight and... Yeah, you don't understand why Russians ask me about this question because I just change flight and yeah you don't move the airport yeah I just move to my country and don't go outside and one asked me and ten meters and another ask me and another

three person and if you could move here would you move here Americans think that everybody wants to live here no no once again you're a great ambassador

for Belarus absolutely we have everything why would i want to leave no but he's bringing he's bringing levi's back i'm asking i i would uh again it's a it's a very egotistical american assumption that everyone would want to move here. But I wouldn't live anywhere else because it's so fucking easy here. It's so convenient to live here. Where

would you want to go next? What's your dream place to visit next that you haven't gone? I don't decide. You haven't decided? Flip a coin and decide. I don't decide. You haven't decided? Yeah. Maybe flip a coin and decide. South America or Africa.

Tanzania, maybe. Wow. Braver man than me. I've never been to South America, and I've only been to South Africa, which isn't Africa, really. And you didn't leave the airport. No, I did one time. We went to Cape Town, Bingo and I, and we didn't really leave the hotel because it was scary.

Yeah, it is terrifying. Yeah, a lot of racial strife. I don't think, I'm just going to take a wild guess here. You would probably go somewhere like north in Africa. I was going to say, he said Tanzania. But he would go see Africa, whereas you basically... He's not seeing America. Why would he go to a safari?

He drove across the southern states. That's something. I wouldn't go to Bourbon Street. I wouldn't sleep in a fucking car in Louisiana. I didn't want to sleep in the hotel we got. I would assume he'd say Thailand.

Why? I don't know. That's where people would want to go, you'd think. Fuck some kids, do some black car. I'm waiting. I'm kidding. Asia, not only Thailand. No Asia? Yeah.

All right. Do you hate the yellow plague? No, not only Thailand. No Asia? Yeah. All right. Do you hate the yellow plague? No, no, no. It's enough for me. Enough Asia. All right. Australia?

Maybe. Australia is nice. But... First time he said, something is nice. Australia. How about that. Canada? Canada is way better than... He's going to get in his car, he's going to drive down the street,

and he's going to completely transcribe every single word that all of us have said here to Belarus. He's remembering everything because in their Red Sparrow training... he's remembering everything because in their Red Sparrow training I don't get the reference but I know it's good trade operatives right let's do some Russian swearing it's the only good thing about foreign languages

that's what I was saying earlier that's the first words you learn in a foreign language how about what would be a useful thing I mean you got your how many languages do you speak? Russian, Belarusian. Oh, Belarus does have its own language. There's two languages in Belarus.

It's Russian and whatever you just said. Wow, Mr. Wikipedia. No, when I said that, I realized he keeps putting up this front for Russian, but it's like that is one of the two languages. So, I mean, to say, oh, I don't speak Russian or I don't do Russian, it's there. Any French? No. Spanish?

No. German? No. Do you know how to say I surrender in German? I learned German in school, but I don't remember any words. You're better off with English. I teach six years in school and two years in university, but maybe three words in German I remember.

Wow. Have you been to the UK? No. All right. Don't go there Don't bother. It's fucking awful. It should be pretty cheap now. They've sort of imploded with Brexit.

But yeah, it's nothing to recommend, really. Alaska. Do you have any desire to go to Alaska? Too cold. We saw what the temp was in Belarus. Are you on Twitter? No. Well, we won't keep in touch with you then.

I would like to follow your travels of all the rest areas that you visit across the United States. You should do a travelogue. I don't like such things like Instagram. But no, you could write a travelogue about your journey, about the best rest areas in the United States, the best Burger Kings. For what? The most comfortable car to sleep in.

See, this is what's scary. This guy knows computers. He wants nothing to do with social media or following or tracking or what I've been doing. And he tows the company line for Belarus. This is, yeah. Smart man. Yeah. I think he's helping us understand more about what we're acquiescing to because it's one of those things where we just kind of just give our number and our email.

Because it's one of those things where we just kind of just give our number and our email. Well, you do have to get on your way to L.A., but I'm going to make cheeseburgers if you'd like one before you leave. Yeah. All right. Thank you. We will make cheeseburgers with Michael from Belarus. It will be the highlight of his trip. And Burger King is open until 10, so if you need to actually get some food after. I understand that this burger from Burger King,

you just put it in fridge and cover in another paper. Your paper. It was a pleasure to have you, Michael. Thank you for being our guest on the podcast. Thank you

Tom Konopka. Thank you for being our guest on the podcast. Thank you, Tom Konopka. Thank you, Jonathan Short, Greg Chaley, Valentina, for making us drinks in Tracy's absence. Thank you, Doug, for getting off the couch. It was only because of, you know, when I heard Belarus, I thought maybe I should make the effort to walk 10 feet and spend a few minutes with our friend. And now I'll make cheeseburgers. That's a podcast.