The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #303: I Think I Drove

Episode Date: March 20, 2019

Doug and Chaille remember the time on mushrooms with Gay Cousin Eric, a Cow Hand for Breakfast and the story behind the Temporary Cover for the “Die Laughing” cd with Jonathan and Tom Konopka. Doug's nest is actually a Hibernacle (a place where an animal hibernates but it can also mean a winter retreat for humans). Recorded Feb. 23rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Jonathan (@JonMikhailovich), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by Stanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - "Boo A Girl" at the Emerald Theatre in Mt. Clemens, MI - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG0FYAZluvY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG0FYAZluvY) What Happened to ASK JEEVES? - [https://bit.ly/2HrYrsV](https://bit.ly/2HrYrsV) Doug Recommends Sirius/XM – 70's on 7 Saturday's – Replays of Casey Kasem and America's Top 40 North Shore Animal League - [https://www.animalleague.org/](https://www.animalleague.org/) Join Brett Erickson, Andy Andrist as the entertain audience members Chaille, Tracey & Chad at the Alaska B4UDie Comedy Festival, Anchorage, Alaska April 2-7, 2019 - [https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/](https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/) Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - . Check him out - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right tom kanopka's here with jonathan and greg chaley wait are we saying his last name it's not his last name it's not your last name, is it? Yeah. Ah, shit. You know what? I thought... Well, no, that's on his Twitter. So, yes, we are saying his last name. But I thought, because your Twitter handle is your middle name... John Mihaljevic, yeah, yeah. So, I thought

I finally figured it out that you wrote Jonathan... Like, it was short for this unpronounceable fucking last name. So, I like full names. It's quite good. Keep going, man.

I thought you were being cheeky by saying short, because it's short for this unpronounceable fucking Russian name. He thought you were being clever. Yeah. Clever is oftentimes in the UK a slur. Oh, aren't you fucking clever, you fucking cunt? Yeah. Clever means, oh, you think you're fucking funny? You're not.

But I've always thought, I mean, some people in this world still get, like, offended, like, really offended by swear words. And, you know, sort of, particularly in the UK, you know know, like cunt is just like a term of endearment normally, you know, it's easy to be friends with. But some people, you know, still get very offended by sort of swear words.

In a country where they say cunt all the time? Anyone's offended? Yeah, sometimes, sometimes. People in America particularly, like you call someone a cunt, you get in trouble,

which I found to be. Oh, absolutely here, but the UK, I didn't know that that was an issue. Less so than here. Yeah. I would always bring up over there. I don't know if it's on a special, but I would bring up Valentina. You lived in Massachusetts.

The package store, you call it the Packy. You're going to the Packy. In Massachusetts? Yeah. It's a package store. It's a package store. It's a package liquor. It's a state-run thing. They sell to-go liquor.

And it's the equivalent of the N-word in the UK for Pakistanis. And I would go, listen, when I did that bit about you're trained to respond negatively to words whatever they are like yeah and and like i can say packy because i was that meant a liquor store to me but over here see i'm saying packy packy packy and you're cringing every time i say it but i don't cringe saying that i cringe using the n-word when i have to use the word to quote someone. Yeah. But I don't have that with Packy, Packy, Packy. You do. See, you're still cringing.

It doesn't affect me at all. You're fucking caught. You can't say the P word. I know. I cringe at Packy when it's Sunday and you have to drive to New Hampshire to get beer for football. That's why I cringe. Yeah. But yeah, Packy is an interesting one. It's like it's why I cringe. Yeah, but yeah, Paki's an interesting one. It's like, it's still in usage.

I mean, it still just has like the ignorant laziness of an ignorant racist in that they're normally referring to Indian people and not people from Pakistan. And my favourite one of all time was, I used to drink in this rough cider pub in the last town I lived in in the UK. It was just full of tarmacers, like asphalt, guys who did asphalt. And they're just crazy, often racist, unpleasant drunks. I've always been against asphalt for that reason.

Or asphalt, as you say it. There was one guy, well, we call it tarmac, but there was one guy in there who was sort of flirted with sort of. Tarmac sounds like a racial slur. Yeah, tar, baby. Tarmacs. But he was drunk and he was in a bar.

Black Irish. Exactly. He was an Irish gig. I don't know. Is that Scottish? Exactly. But he was railing just graciously. I'm glad I corrected myself before we get the barrage of tweets.

Anyway, this guy was railing to this audience of idiots in the bar. He said, you know, I don't mind Indian people. It's fucking Pakis that I hate. No, he said, what was it? He said, yeah, it's Pakis I hate. Indians, I don't mind them. He said, Indians, they're all right. They fought for us in the war.

But what he didn't understand, and you may not know here, was that actually Pakistan was part of India under British rule. And then after the Second World War, which he was talking about, it was divided up by the British. Except for the disputed. So they were all Indians then in the war but yeah I hate Paki's Indians they were right they fought for us in the war and it was one of those

moments where I thought shall I get into this with a conversation and then I just thought no this could end quite badly Kashmir that's what I was looking for the disputed Kashmir region where the sweaters come from fuck those Paki's too Kashmir region. Oh, where the sweaters come from. Yep. Fuck those packies too, Kashmirians.

Kashmahal. We were talking, which led us to hitting record, about the days of yore where Greg Chaley and our good friend we haven't heard from in a while, gay cousin Eric, were here. How did this conversation even start? Well, I want to say that it started way back when I said, Tom remembers the first words, the first thing you said on stage.

And it started that whole thing of like you, that cascade of remembering. Yeah, I tripped it off. Of like all of a sudden, and then all of a sudden, Doug can remember where you were, where Tom was sitting. I remember an open mic ride followed in the shit I gave her. And where Tom was sitting in the audience during that show. But if I would have said, hey, Doug, do you remember your first show with Tom in the audience? You would have gone, I guess. But like that whole thing, it was like all of a sudden an avalanche of details that came through.

And we were talking about other times where younger men were acting out. Well, Tom was like a role model for me as far as funny goes. Not as a stand-up, but as we used to riff in telemarketing over the wall. When he came to my show and I kind of ate shit, I'm like, I wish Tom hadn't have seen that. No, but you didn't eat shit. That was the thing. It was funny.

But from your perspective, it was that this is why you are who you are. But it was quite the beginning, my friend. Quite the beginning. I talk like this out of the side of my mouth with like a half New York accent that I don't have. I saw the clips when you were better than what you're talking about now. And it was bad. You weren't hitting it quite as strongly at that

point. It was all, you were more down, more guttural. Do you owe Tom money? Because he's being very polite right now. At this point, we're beyond even. I owe Doug about a million ditches. Thank you,

Douglas. So we get into this conversation. I don't know how it came to this story, and if we've told it on the podcast before, my listeners are as drunk as I am, so fuck it. If I've ever said anything, it wasn't in any detail because I've actually squashed.

You have tape of this. I've got video. There's footage. Oh, shit. We're doing mushrooms. This is a long time ago. It's a good start. I'm always the first one down, generally.

time ago. I'm always the first one down, generally. Gay Cousin Eric's down here. It's before any of this is really built. And Gay Cousin Eric, he's probably 20 at that point. He's a kid. He had the RV here. The funhouse. Chump storage.

There was an old, beaten up RV that you got from Butters. Someone connected with Butters, I remember. No, no. Butters, that was who we sold it to. Butters' dad, friend bought it. But I bought it from Sandy, a local guy in town. $1,500, old piece of shit.

It had shag carpeting in it. Shag carpeting. Just to give you an idea of the smell of it. 70s dandruff. Oh, everything. Smooth. Yeah, not new shag. And we sat in the front.

I remember we sat in the front, and I was, I don't think I even, I think I've done, this may have been the second time I ever did mushrooms. First time was in the desert that first year. And we sat there, and I remember you and I hanging out, feet up, hanging out, looking at the world through the lens of mushrooms and an old RV. And it was fucking beautiful. And then you, yeah, you peeled off at one point. And I kept kind of figuring out what was happening. And I remember Gay Cousin Eric, I was like, the other side we where the addition is going in now i remember looking at blades of grass and like just that trippy thing where you're like what's you know what what is grass you know and then i remember gay cousin eric coming over and

yo shaley what's up and i'm like jesus and just every everywhere i went i couldn't find doug anywhere and then everywhere i went gay cousin Cousin Eric was kind of- In the labyrinth of my 984 square feet of house, he couldn't find me. Well, I was also tripping, and I was kind of in peril. One blade of grass to another is a distance. And finally, he ended up going off somewhere. I remember I was in your closet for hours. You've been in the closet for decades.

But I remember being in there for a very long time, and then I started drinking tequila at 6 a.m. At some point, I had told gay cousin Eric, because he's new to town, that there's a big hill right behind us, two blocks over, that looks out over Mexico. And I go, it's very steep and slippery rocks. We've talked about it often.

Watch your footing. Yeah. But if you get up there for sunrise. So he went up pre-dawn. It's just getting vaguely blue and he went up there tripping his balls off. Not a veteran by any means. We're at 5,000 feet.

Just to remind everyone. It's to walk the driveway here sometimes. Oh yeah, I had to stop three times. It's uphill. It is fucked. There's no road. There's a service road that ATVs go up. It's eroded as fuck. And now it's razor wire.

But at that time, so he went on a sojourn and got almost to the peak of the crest of the hill in pale blue and fucking border patrol helicopter comes up on the other side of the hill and puts a big spotlight on him. He's a kid tripping his balls off. Not knowing the landscape. He shows up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Michael Vincent. Exactly. Step away from the cell tower.

Don't move. That's the joke. Gay Cousin Eric isn't gay or my cousin but we called him gay cousin eric to hide the fact that he's jewish that's the running joke so he starts running away from the spotlight you can't run away from the spotlight have you not watched kcal 9 in fucking los angeles and your fucking three hour fucking slow bronco chase. You can't ditch the helicopter. But he gets back down. He tells me this after the fact. I've napped.

I wake up to Chaley and gay cousin Eric and some vagabond wanderer outside just the biggest black pupils and slurring yeah, we're having a

cook-off. What the fuck? Gay Cousin Eric is right now, he's a professional chef. He works at... Which is great. He probably doesn't go by Gay Cousin Eric anymore. So we can use his name. His former

pseudonym we can use liberally. Your name badge says G.Cic what is going uh gold coast he was going to school he's a he he actually works at like uh spas and stuff he does very help healthy food right well at the time uh i i don't know how i got into it. You had gone to culinary school. So you guys have some depth. I was so drunk. I was like walking around with the tequila bottle. And I came up with this idea. I was like, why don't we go make, let's make breakfast.

We'll go to Safeway. And I think I drove. And we get there and there's this, I would say a cowboy, but I was corrected, a cow hand. Maybe that's the name of the podcast is I Think I Drove. The cow hand is sitting out in front of Safeway. Nothing to do because he just got dropped off from like punching cows or roping hay or whatever they do. Whatever they do.

Roping hay? He just got dropped off and i i don't know what my pitch was but i said basically you want to come back and we'll make you breakfast if you'll judge this contest between me and this fellow over here and he got in the fucking truck and came over here. And we proceeded to make, and I had all the video. This is when I first started videotaping you on, when I would go out on tour. So I had all this video equipment and we videotaped it as if to be like an

episode of chopped or whatever the thing that was out and having gay cousin Eric. And the, the gag was, is that gay cousin Eric was going to actually make an omelet. And then they were going to film me. I actually bought a chocolate cake to throw the cake into the, like, I'm throwing, like, full eggs into the thing. And then I put in, like, green beans.

Shells and all. Oh, I crushed the egg over the top. And I'm wasted and we're still drinking. And this fucking cowhand either was super hungry or he might have thought he could stay the night. Because he didn't fucking flinch, man. It was a steak. It was a steak in the morning. And I go, don't worry, it'll be good.

But then I'm loading in a chocolate cake on top of it. I'm throwing in pieces of cake. And then Gay Cousin Eric cooked his. And then mine was there, but I don't think we ever cooked it. And then you came out to see this guy basically judging the contest. What the fuck is going on? Long story. I've seen Chaley in this state before.

First of all, right now, we hit Chaley at comedy happy hour where you're perfect. Yeah. But yeah, I'll never forget the image of you in broken cake clown makeup after a mescaline trip in the desert. Standing guard at the RV door. With gay cousin Eric. Yep. He was there too. He was the one who said, buy this mescaline. I go, we don't

know those people. Why are they at our party? Everyone's paranoid about cops. We had the RV. Matt Becker was dressed in an egg suit. Yep. Deviled egg. It's a giant styrofoam costume. Head to knees is an egg,

but it's got horns. I'm a deviled egg! I'm a clown, but I'm kind horns. I'm a deviled egg. I'm a clown, but I'm like kind of a... Bobcat Goldthwait shakes a wife beater t-shirt and the fright wig and just smeared makeup. No, it's night before makeup

and now the sun is coming up in Death Valley in the summer. I remember at one time... Early summer. I remember at one point becker and i both tried to put as much watermelon in our mouths at the same time so i had not only mustard stains on the the the the wife beater t-shirt but just a like like just i just vomited up like watermelon and there were still seeds on my shirt and everything beautiful and when it was after the mescaline you every detail like the blades of grass every detail in your face and your countenance was just frowning you wouldn't let me in my own rb well see what happened was bingo freaked out

and andy bingo took two hours to try and put on a flip-flop seriously he was like all right you just i'm to watch you. But I took it the same time everyone else did. And Christine Levina just knocked Dr. Dims off his fucking lawn chair and sent him off. Like, they're going to kill you if you don't leave here. Well, I wasn't. But other people were actually plotting a murder going, wow, we were about to do that. You better leave for your own safety you

dug you were tripping bingo was like out of her tit but then this is death valley for the listener this is not yeah yeah so bingo she was harmless because she couldn't move she didn't want to go anywhere without the flip-flop on but she couldn't get the foot in there you know so i'm like oh she's she's basically tied to where she's standing. And then gay cousin Eric and I were trying to maintain, like, watch bingo. And then Andy, something dark with Andy because he was hiding, like, under, like, the bumper of the RV. Because Doug and I, everyone else rented the rooms. Doug and I were too late to rent the rooms to the party that we put together.

Right. And we had to get an RV. So our RV is in the parking lot across from the hotel. And Andy is cowering as if there's hawks coming at him. And he keeps putting his arm up and screeching. And I'm like, this mescaline is not working for me i nothing happened to me i never until bingo finally slipped her foot in the thing we we put her where she needed to be andy fell asleep and then i found you and that's when i saw your breath came out in words green

words yeah i remember exactly where we're standing. Yeah. Yep. Right in front of like a room three. And then after that, uh, is when we wouldn't let you, we, we did a good cop, bad cop, bouncer where the egg and I were the bouncers to get in the RV.

Yeah. And you just want to go to sleep. Remember vividly. Becker and I were like, I'm sorry. We've got a strict one in one out policy and bingo's sticking her head out the window going come on baby let's go to bed come on and i'm like i'm sorry there's nothing i can do unless someone comes out we can't let you

in like averting eye contact like like a real bouncer where he's like no but he won't look you in the face just now yeah and that happened for so long. I won't deign you the fucking. Beat it. And the matter you got. You played along the whole time. But the matter you got funny, it got to me and Becker. We just kept doing it. The best.

With watermelon and mustard and a faded face. Yes. Is it break? It is. I'm going to call break time. Yes, exactly. We're going to get back to gay cousin Eric and the cow hand right after these messages from things that you have to buy them.

Buy them. Yeah. And use the promo code. It's usually Stanhope. I don't want to spoiler alert. I should have said that first. But yeah, the promo code. It's usually Stanhope. I don't want to spoiler alert. I should have said that first. But yeah, the promo code is Stanhope. Anything you buy, just use promo code Stanhope.

If you go to a Taco Bell at a drive-thru drunk at night, go, yeah, and it's promo code Stanhope. All the time, everything you buy, always say promo code Stanhope. What do you mean? Oh, I guess you're not hip. Click. Cocktails. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhope's, I drink plastic jug vodka.

Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman. Fatty with a Y.

Hyman Doberman? I don't know. Hey, this is Ronda Rousey, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. we are back chaley said i i thought that story was done well no what became of the cow hand we'll start with that do you even remember because i don't i there's a couple things i remember i remember he was uh very uh gay no no that's eric who's not gay the other one he the cow hand was was very appreciative of i think the fact that we were hanging out with him because i think he really didn't have anywhere to go i mean he got dropped off at the safeway because they were done at the ranch with him but i don't think it's because he had a home to go to

so i think it was like it was cool to chill and hang out but i don't think it's because he had a home to go to. So I think it was cool to chill and hang out. But I don't remember what became of it. All I remember is I kept telling him, don't worry. Someone had to bring him back. You don't have to eat this. I kept saying, you're not going to have. Because he's watching like going, Jesus, with the cake and whatever I'm throwing in that thing. I'm like, this will not be something.

But he could have been thinking, they're going to kill me. No, I was thinking. It was weird. He was thinking, oh, it's only a matter of time before these guys pass out and I can rifle through their pockets. There you go. Or maybe he was just thinking, I haven't eaten for three days. That's true. Because I can't afford to.

And they're just pissing me off. I always put chocolate cake in my scrambled eggs. We doctored it up so that we actually cut Gay Cousin Eric's portion in half so they both looked similar, even though there was no chocolate cake in one. But the videotape we had of the whole thing, when we gave a bunch of videotape, a lot of videotape that was accrued over the years with Doug from, I think, back

in 2005. I started videotaping stuff. Hannigan got all that because he had a way to digitize it. And that's one of the tapes I would not let go. And that's what we were talking about. Hannigan swears he has it in his crawl space, which is not a crawl space. But we've questioned him extensively about the missing tapes.

When you're drunk. I always say, he's holding on to this, so he has something to sell when I die. It's just insurance. It would have been an early age if I had already died, but now it's just expected. The missing... It sounds like Henegate.

That's it. Where is the missing? I held two tapes back. One of them definitely. I mean, that was footage that you bought the tapes, Doug, and I shot all the footage. It was really at my discretion. I go, I'm part of this.

I'm not letting that one go. And that was one other one I grabbed, and it may have been one to kind of like the mushrooms in Anchorage type thing that you didn't want out chaley is one of those people where when he's that fucked you go oh daddy's drunk daddy's supposed to be in charge daddy can't drive a car right now like You always expect to have these facilities. Of course. And he gets this evil leer when he's

drunk. Every time you've left the podcast, because I said something that you found offensive. Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm trying to close up here. Fuck you, I'm leaving. That's when you're drunk. You had that look of I'm evil. I still remember that story I was going to tell on you.

I'm like, oh, go ahead. No. Fuck no. What? You pissed me off, so I fucking left the podcast. I had a good story that was going to tell on that. Not for this podcast. It was back then when that happened.

What was the story? Well, you're not tricking me into it. Shit, don't get hot about it, Shaylee. Hey, come back. Jesus, fuck, you did it again. You're acting like there's only one time you've stormed off the podcast because I was a dick. That's the only time I can remember. That's one, Shaylee.

The other one was when he gets whacked and takes his pants off and sits on you. This day, I believe we still had the nest, the original nest set up in the living room where I had the bed. It was the couch that you have downstairs. Yeah. They had one half of the L-shaped couch on one side and then a queen-sized bed and then the other half. The entire thing was flop house. It's kind of like that now, but it's lawn furniture for the dogs. was Flophouse.

It's kind of like that now, but it's lawn furniture for the dogs. I remember we were all sitting in there watching mice. It wasn't My 600-lb Life. It was like they did one-offs. Discovery Health would have... This was before the series started. I think this was what spawned it.

They would have single... I remember Face-Eatingeating tumor was the name of the show it's just it's not a series it's a one i think you're right it's either discovery or national geographic where they've got that division where they do this uh gross out fucking back then it was like just a one thing uh and it was uh i'm i weigh 1100 pounds. I think it was whatever it was. It was about that. It was that Mexican guy, the 1,100-pound guy. Yeah.

Because we all had him in death pool for a while. He did die. And the Indian doctor who was the specialist on taking care of him. Yeah. Let's say you went to bed at 7 or 8. Now it's about 1 in the afternoon. So we're watching this 1,100-pound guy, and you woke up and came. My 1,100-pound sweet 16? Is that it?

Again, it was a one-off. Doug. Wait, hang on. Oh, you got it? No, sorry. You were just talking about that. You mentioned your nest. I've got a new word for you.

All right. Hibern all right hibernacle hibernacle is a dormative animals which is a winter sleeping animal retreat hibernacle so it's not your hibernation hibernacle i got it yeah that's good fucking love that sorry hibernacle At least you interrupted with something important. Tweet that word at me, listeners. As you're fucking humping around with a forklift at UPS. Throwing fucking big slabs of frozen ground beef into a backdoor loading dock. Whatever you're doing. You're driving around doing something, listening to podcasts.

Pack less, do more wheelies, as we were saying the other night. And use the word hibernacle in a sentence today. Say it to your boss. Say, listen, I need Monday off. It's a long weekend for me. I need to get into my hibernacle

and they'll think it's some kind of religious Oh, yeah, you gotta let him Is it that time of year again? He's gonna take Monday off? The whole hibernacle. It is February. Chaley wakes up from this all night tequila mushroom bender

after sleeping for four or five hours. Comes out of the room right when it's one of Chaley's. Chaley has one job, but he has many Achilles heels. And one of them is an 1100 pound man

having two women prop up his fat roll, one of his many fat rolls to wipe out underneath with a cheese cloth. No, it's like on a stick or something. They can't even get their hand in there. Which makes me wonder what happened.

Maybe that's where they originated the term cheese cloth. Because they're wiping out under his stress source. Yeah. And Chaley, Chaley, look! And Chaley ran right back into the bathroom and vomited profusely.

So we paused it so we could show it to him again and again because we know, oh, he'll puke at this part. To be fair, I was picking at the chocolate cake eggs. It might have been part of it. I mean, a good chef tests his own making. I think that's when we found out, oh, we can make you puke. Because when my 600-pound life started a decade later, probably. The irony is that I get very squeamish about real blood and real gore and stuff.

And some of it might be empathy for like the 1100 pound. Because my brother and I, my brother's company, and I've been working with him for 20 years now, it's all blood and gore. I mean, I could show you easily, my brother's got this fucking new burn technique. Like I was just showing Bingo's mom. If you're recent to the podcast,

Shaley and his twin brother, they have a special effects company for haunted houses, so they make the most grotesque things, but they're fake. My brother goes, oh, I go, hey, what's new for this year? He goes, oh, the burn technique from last year? I got an acid wash, so it looks like you burned them with acid. I can look

at that all day, and I go, you know what? We really need a little more purple tint on the fucking edges. But if I look at the the 600 000 pound wedding singer yeah it is really weird where i i like i some of its empathy but at the same time that that cheese gross just you saying oh that's where they came up with the name cheese that's enough to fucking get me i think i've said this on the podcast before pressure sores as i said stress pressure me. I think I've said this on the podcast before. Pressure sores. I said stress. Pressure sores.

I think I've said this before, but you have to be careful what you look at, and particularly on the internet, because there is no such thing as mind bleach. Once something has been seen, you can never unsee it. I talked about this about someone, and I hate you to this day. It was an ISIS video that I thought was too... I'm not going to get into it. Yeah. No, no, it was worse than a throat cutting.

It was a fire, a burn to death thing. And I thought it was so high quality that I thought it was some kind of spoof. Special effects. You'd love this. It's a funny gag. Scary movie, whatever. Yeah. And I go, oh, fuck. special effects you'd love this like it's a funny like gag like scary movie whatever yeah and i go oh fuck and i i still can't get that out of my head yeah i still remember the fuck we were making the fucking album cover i was working at real networks i knew a guy who was was a graphic

artist and you wanted to put it you couldn't get the fucking die laughing cover done because you had that spec some such a great story renee's had some fucking artist that was going to do this thing and it took forever and i go dude let me just i got a guy here he's the guy who did all this stuff for hedberg the incense and the cinnamon roll incense it's like he's a cartoonist he's a really good and i go i this guy can do it And all he had to do was put the words. He was just titling. And you go, we need the right picture. And I go, well, send me some pictures of what you want to do.

And then you started sending me these things, and they were all from rotten.com. I'm like, dude, you can't send me this fucking shit. This is fucking... And you're like... That was Joe Vernon, by the way, who found the picture. This is a great story. You go, this is... Oh, I got another end to this that I don't know you know about.

The pictures, Shaylee, are not real. This is all special effects. And I fucking just, all right, all right. And I remember the picture that I'm like, dude, I don't know. And it's a fucking, it's a head on a wrought iron gate

outside of a fucking, a big big high rise apocalypse now oh exactly but it's sitting on there the guy jumped off the fucking building and his head stayed and his body is on the ground and i'm on mother and doug's dude, it's fake. It's clearly fake. Wait, wait, wait. Clearly fake. Do you remember? It was Kid Rock's drummer's girlfriend. We played the Emerald outside of Detroit and whatever that suburb is. And Kid Rock, it was Shockcroft. I think it was the same night as the Rotten Hot Tub.

No, it was Aaron Juliason is the bass player. Okay, whatever. I had pulled my balls out on stage. So as we're, I'm fucking hammered at this point. I could barely, but I'm leaving the gig and she's like, he pulled his balls out. And I said, no, no, they're prosthetic balls. Look, because my balls are so hanging.

Someone would believe that that must nobody makes prosthetics that look like that of course well yeah oh yeah you're gonna do a caricature of long balls yeah i have the template so i i pulled my balls i go no this is what i do it's there because i'd get arrested if they were real balls so i have this i go feel them they feel real and she's we're walking to the next bar and she's feeling them. And we all start laughing. She's like,

oh, you're fucking assholes. That was the Emerald Theater in Mount Clemens. Mount Clemens, yes. Right next, do you remember, right next door. I want to go back there

because I got fucked over and like all the audiences were the worst. But now my audiences are better. Boo a girl is the video I put up from that. And that was the first night of the tour. They booed Shawcroft for being Canadian.

Yeah. I shouldn't have worn a dress. I shouldn't have worn a dress. That's what it was. But remember next door, we all went next door and Aaron Juliason was Kid Rock's bass player at the time. And he was always showing up on tour with Hedberg

when I was tour managing that. And he was always a blast time and he was always showing up on tour with Hedberg when I was tour managing that and he was always a blast but he was always it was party time when he was around and we all went next door to see this is a bar right next to the thing and the fucking musicians were amazing. They were all

fucking kidding. They were all doing covers but it was so much fun and that fucking night is the night that I afterwards when we went back and that the fucking hot tub in the morning when we drained the water it looked like the bottom of the days in you know the the lauded days in but it was the closest the only hotel in the area actually i i would rather stay at a one star that's close to the gig than a five star that i have to figure out how to get back to and so we but we had some kind of suite that had a a hot tub honeymoon suite yeah a honeymoon if you are a days in honeymoon kind of guy

it's a days in room with the same polyester sheets or bedspreads. We had Shawcraft, Brendan Walsh. Dudes and Shawcraft. No, and who's the other guy? He was Peoria. Crazy. Oh, Travis Lipsky. Oh, fuck.

Remember? We're flicking ashes in the hot tub. We're just sitting there. Hold on, hold on. There's a combo. We get to the venue, and we we get there and then we check in and we're going to go to the hotel and see if we can get in. We can't get in yet, but we pull in next to the only other car and we're next.

There's a guy in the car and I look over and he's tilting back tall boys. It's like three in the afternoon, tall boys. And Doug's like, hey, there's Lipski. He's sitting in the car by boys and doug's like hey there's lipski i remember that a million times he didn't want to check in early so he's just sitting a hot card to get ready for the show oh yeah 3 p.m he's getting ready for the 9 p.m. show by hammering fucking tall boys. I forget where the fuck we were. We get to the hot tub, and we get into that room, and the party went back after we were at that bar. No, we were at prosthetics with your brother.

Oh. I have no idea why, but if you're being scared. He shouldn't be able to puke, but he has to. Oh, they're just fired the prosthetics it's like you kept telling me that these pictures you kept sending me were fake they're all staged and stuff like that

and then we ended up getting the picture and then we did a limited run of die laughing it was black and white the picture actually came from Joe Vernon and it was a and then we did a limited run of Die Laughing. It was black and white. Okay, that's the good story I have. The picture actually came from Joe Vernon and it was a picture of a head. Of a child?

I don't know. You can't really tell because it's so fucked up. But it's sitting... I just found one of these CDs, by the way. I have some in the crawl space. It's sitting on a tray in a coroner's office. And it's got this kind of sideways look, smiling. His face is mutilated with knife wounds.

But it's tanned because it's so old. Well, it's black and white, too, so you don't know if it's tanned. The way it's stretched, you can tell. The lips are cut so badly that it looks like it's smiling. So die laughing, a dead kid i'm just whatever see some puppies it was perfect for die laughing and i know i don't have the rights to it no but i wanted to get we contacted them wait wait wait no this is the good story uh i joe vernon sent me that from rotten.com and i go oh this is perfect but I know I can't

use it but I want to get this out as soon as possible because I taped it you were waiting too long for an artist to finish it was 30 days after 9-11 that I taped it and I want this out so I have this perfect cover but I put temporary

cover so if someone sues me i don't fucking know cut to years later with greg chaley that night because we went out to dinner i was wearing a ridiculous suit i found in a thrift store christine i won't say her last name so chaley doesn't have to edit this much my old fucking flame that never uh unreciprocated we went out to dinner with them but that day we went out thrift store shopping i found this fantastic suit and uh weird sunglasses 70s leisure suit and uh then we went to a bookstore and we're just and this guy it was a a detective from the 40s or something he had all these autopsy photos from crime scenes and i'm just with her

because she likes books she's the one i wrote that whole bit on uh what's the one i don't uh address the great white stanhope that first album i shouldn't have done it's mostly a piece of shit what's the one I don't address? The Great White Stanhope. That first album I shouldn't have done. It's mostly a piece of shit. I took the best parts and made it into Sicko and it's still a piece of shit. I was a kid. It's mostly pussy, fuck jokes and jack off stuff.

But I did this bit about Kafka because I read Kafka because this girl was smart. There's the picture. Oh, fuck. God, it is smiling. I forgot you did a temporary cover on there. That's fucking great.

That is fucking scary. Vicious puppies. I'm out with her. She loved my vintage fucking 70s thing we went to dinner that night with. her she loved my vintage fucking 70s thing we went to dinner that night with uh and i found this book that i'm thumbing through while i'm in a bookstore with her trying to act like i'm some kind of fucking intelligentsia and i go this is the picture from look christine look that's die laughing cover and that's when i contacted them where the this is early days of internet google it might have been mr fucking whatever what was before google jeeves ask jeeves ask jeeves it might have been that well i'm like hey uh i have a picture i want to use it how much can i pay for never heard a word back but uh yeah that's the perfect cover for die laughing

no instead yeah i went with renee's artist friend who made a yeah that sucks oh fuck i also people bought cds anymore i would go right back to dial the original cover. What year is that? 2001. 2002. Well, you recorded it. Yeah, 2001 I recorded it. And then 2002 was word of mouth, which I still, yeah, fuck. All right, I'm not going to get into. There's some rights issues about word of mouth

and no refunds. But we're going to address those in this new year. I contacted through the, in the back of the book. Yeah, that's what I did. I contacted, I tried. I reached out to someone, anyone. Don't say reached out. It's a pulling phrase.

Yeah. Moving forward. I did. I tried. I mean, I used due diligence to try and at least contact the person and say, hey, look. And since it was, we only did, I think we did like 150 or something of the original ones. We didn't do a lot because it was a small run.

But I tried to contact him and say, look, we love your work. It's a fucking crime scene photo. Yep. You know? Yeah, I don't know how that works with. Because that's how you do it. Yeah. What do they call that with uh the where a

song's been out for so long where it's uh public domain public domain yeah that that kid should be i think it's a kid it looks like a kid to me but shaylee you said that he's got a tan the fuck is you know it's like it's so whole until shaylee brought up the picture right here i i didn't remember it this bloody oh uh eyewitness testimony is the least uh reliable yeah reliable well like you said it's bloody but it's black and white i don't know how you can tell it that's tanned it's he died laughing he did oh so what happened was years later. No empathy. No empathy vomits from Chaley on the fucking dead kid with his eye up.

I'm so used to this one because my brother who employs a lot of. Can you take it off the screen? My brother who employs a lot of. Oh, shit. I looked for it. He employs a lot of sculptors out of LA to do work for him. And he actually had a sculptor do that face. And it's on the website.

It's called Doug. And I don't get a copy? Did you want one? Yeah, put it over the giant-sized mailbox we're trying to buy. That would be great. That's a nice homage. Yeah, I fucking want one.

Oh, you don't want one? You want one? Of course I want one. I've asked you about it in the past. You're like, eh. No, you never did. Why would I say no to that? All right.

Oh, I don't want your brother to work that much. Maybe I was... Maybe that, yeah. I might have been in that mood. He just said, yeah. Hey, don't go out of your way for me. I'm fine. I'm happy with what I have.

I'm having a bad time. I picked up a cow hand I'm having a bad time. I picked up a cow hand and I feel bad enough. I don't want your brother to go overtime for me. Trying to see if it's on. He's fucking gruesome. Very similar. I think he

took some liberties, but it is called Doug. Oh, yeah, that's not it. No, they put hair on it. I think it's the eyes. Oh, he made it into me if I was that kid. Look. Forget the hair.

Forget the hair. That looks like that. But the eyes, like, welded shut. That looks like Dwight York's corpse. And there. Hey, that's a fucking, anyone who knows dwight york that's a fucking and definitely there's the teeth i didn't even notice that before until i saw the ghost ride one well yeah the the new version your brother's version is more my teeth

when you were sleeping i got an impression when you when you when you said about my green breath coming out yeah visually in words death valley also went, man, those are the biggest fucking horse teeth I've ever seen. Oh, I don't remember that. I'm sure you do. Yep. Shit sticks with you. You stop smiling. I remember

Rene had this fucking... There was an old smoker commercial where the guy was like, and he had the worst fucking smoker's teeth ever. And this guy that was a friend of Renee's, he had this hideous warning smoker's commercial smile. But he smiled relentlessly. And I remember thinking, I fucking love a guy who knows his teeth are destroyed like fucking not brian hennigan but james hennigan was it who comic in seattle oh we had that hair

tree didn't know no hennigan james hennigan is a seattle didn't they call him tree no tree was a bald-headed fuck oh yeah no they call them h? No, Tree was a bald-headed fucking. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, they called him Hennigan. But Hennigan, yeah. I have a picture of when Hennigan met Hennigan. But. That rotten tree.

Not separated at birth. Yeah. But yeah, Halloween teeth. And then fucking I had him. I got him. I made fun of him. Now I have those teeth. Oh, my God. Are you pulling something up or are we done? I got him I made fun of him now I have those teeth oh my god

are you pulling something up or are we done I'm looking for a James Hannigan cause I I don't know if it's James this is making great radio he was a funny comic he had great Vietnam stories

about stepping over the fucking Paris to go fuck the kid or something we're trying to get people to go to the YouTube feed where I can put these pictures in so we're we're leaning into it but we haven't come in we haven't moved over to video yet no fuck the kid or something. We're trying to get people to go to the YouTube feed where I can put these pictures in. We're leaning into it, but we haven't moved over to video yet. No, we have. I just didn't have time. That's what that is. Have you put any videos in?

No, they're not out. He just records them for his own personal spank bank. That was funny on that one. I didn't get credit. Shut up, Tracy. I'm jerking off to another one where I don't storm out. Jesus Christ. Well, I think you killed this one, Chaley.

But we will never know what happened to the cow hand. Where is Tracy in town? She's cooking food for the big party. Yeah, the big party. Yeah, the big game. Yeah, yeah. We can't say it because the worst Super Bowl ever. But that shows us our evergreen. I hate to do it, but I don't fucking.

Look, it doesn't matter. The thing is that when I went to watch the real football, soccer, this morning, which, by the way, two shitty games were on. Bournemouth against Cardiff. Fucking horrible games. And then all the other games, the good games, Watford and Everton playing, Tracy's Everton playing your Wolverhampton. Woo! Woo! Oh, yeah.

Woo! playing your uh your overhampton you need nbc gold to watch it and i go where do i get that and i can't find it on the fucking cable thing they had like six games that were not on regular tv so anyway my super my new year's resolution and my new year's is after super bowl so And my New Year's is after Super Bowl. So, is spend less money. And we have, like, the fucking hockey package on the TVs. We don't need it. We have NFL package. All white noise. It is.

But I found 866 on DirecTV has fucking light classical. Classical music. There you go. Fucking. Like classical. Classical music. There you go. Fucking.

Thank you for all of the magnetic signs you've sent for the fucking red roof in shuttle bus. Yeah. They said, oh, you have XM radio. You had a free three month thing. And I didn't even know that until they said it's about to expire. And I don't need XM radio on a third car. No, that was the one. And I said to the lady, why don't you have classical music? Like when you're driving and I just drive around a lot of times back desert roads to write because no one's going to show up.

No one's going to fuck with me. I have no distractions. I have no cell phone reception most of the time. Why don't you have classical music? And she goes, well, we have classic rock. Fuck you. Classical rock. How do you have XM?

Yeah, they have everything. There's no classical music. They have the Detroit traffic. They have everything. There's no classical music. They have the Detroit traffic. You can go to whatever major hub city and get the traffic report. Classical music, you have 18 genres of fucking whatever is pop,

whatever is in the top 40 now. Different versions of pop. All right. We're going to have to go. This week, we're going with the top 26 because no one really listens to terrestrial radio. So we couldn't quite hit a top 40. So we have 26 songs you might have heard in a fucking gas station or in some idiot fucking 19-year-old's car blasting bass music at a red light next to you. But we don't have that many songs that anyone listens to. We go back in the New York groove on the cello.

Horrible. Hey, Doug, isn't that how you listen to Casey Kasem, though, on XM Series? Oh, well, from beyond the grave. Let me give a plug to that. If you do have, because i i do in two cars i have xm serious or serious xm however you say it and uh 70s on seven if you're my age on saturday mornings tom will appreciate this they have uh the entire casey casem american top 40 from whatever some year that was like 40 some years ago today this is casey casem and we have a long distance dedication going out to

and they count down the top 40 so i'll just drive around i'll drive the long way to sierra vista and then the short way back and just listen to fucking case Kasem, Americans Top 40, 70s on 7. If you're stuck with satellite radio, they have NFL, they have CNN, which I'm out. The one that just canceled was the one you got from Stern that you gave me. That's the one that just canceled. Oh, all right. Yeah. Thank you, Howard Stern. It gave me. That's the one that just canceled. Oh, all right. Yeah. Thank you, Howard Stern.

It was great. It's a good run. But do they have the gap badge? Did we ever shit on Howard Stern for sending me the Christmas card? I try to sell his Christmas card on the eBay yard sale. Yeah. I get always the thank you for being a part of the- Yeah, when you were promoting your book last time.

Yeah, so I tried to sell it on eBay. It came back. Not authenticated? Buyer's remorse. No, someone tried to authenticate the signature, and it's not Howard Stern's signature whatsoever. Tracy said, because I said, oh, I guess the SiriusXM that we got ran out. Because the last time Doug was on. Oh, the Buick?

Yeah. And she goes, well, can you go back on Stern for something? I go, I'll try. I don't know. What does he tear off a voucher? No, when you're a guest, they give you a web subscription. And it's free. Which is great. Which is great.

A gift bag, including a... Finally, it ends with a Christmas card that he didn't actually sign, and you try to sell on eBay. Here's the fucked up part, is when I sold it on the eBay yard sale, I said all the proceeds for this auction will go to North Shore Animal League, which his wife runs. She doesn't run it. So not only did I had to refund the money to the buyer, I had to pay North Shore Animal League, which I'm not against. But it was like a double fucking whammy loss.

I look like a cheat. Yeah. I have to a cheat. Yeah. I have to pay what you didn't. Sorry, it's just one thing that fun has. The only bar where you get served by a lawyer. Let's drop that. Hey, do you want to drop your

Valley Girl? Yeah, Valley Girl. Yeah. Valley Girl. That's good. Javelina. Thank you. No, no. Ferp.org is also, I don't know if you know this, Javelina, ever since you were on the podcast, Ferp.org is always in the show notes as a worthwhile venture that we would like

everyone to look into. And the Innocence Project. Those two. Absolutely. I was going to go a different direction, but we've hit this podcast, but at some point,

podcasts ago, we were talking about when Border Patrol stole all our drugs and made her cry. And wouldn't give me a receipt. And you wouldn't fucking tell me the details in time for the podcast. I love that time for the podcast give me a receipt all right so one day we'll get her to uh i hope you're filing paperwork against those cocksuckers and you

have their names and you tweeted or texted me the names of the three fucking border patrol agents oh sure at the uh the Fort Huachuca border stop. Hey, why don't we end this and, I don't know, have a couple of Baileys for Javelina over there. A couple of Bailey shots. Let's do it. I have no idea what that means. I don't either.

We're going to run with it. A little tipsy. She gets a little tipsy? No, she doesn't drink. Nothing tells the truth like a drunk. You're thinking about gay. Well, that's whaty? No, she doesn't drink. Nothing tells the truth like a drunk. You're thinking about gay. Well, that's what I'm saying. Gay doesn't drink.

She doesn't drink. Bingo's mom. You mean? Why would you do that? You're the one who said I had to fucking take that name out. We've talked about gay. Gay power. Remember the joke? We talked about gay power a million times.

Bingo's mother is named Gay. And then her dad starts this electric company off his... He's got a creek running through. Hydroelectric power would get hit by the company. Yeah, so he can sell what he doesn't use for power back to the power company. And he goes, hey, you're creative. Help me come up with a name because I have to start a corporation to sell all my

electricity back to the electric company. And I go, well, why not go with gay power after your wife? Put that sign on your front lawn. If you love your wife enough, he didn't do it. It's only funny if you do it good night that's

a podcast click did you hang up no i just said click Thank you. guitar solo Thank you.