The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #304: The Wit of the Stairs

Episode Date: March 27, 2019

It's not just immigrants getting detained at the Mexico/American border. Doug welcomes back Valentina to detail her ordeal with a Border Checkpoint stop and what they are getting away with everyday. Jonathan, Tom Konopka and Chaille are along for the ride.  Recorded Feb. 23rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Valentina, Jonathan (@JonMikhailovich), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by [RobinHood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com) - Robin Hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and Cryptos - all commission free. Robinhood is giving our podcast listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio just for signing up at  [Stanhope.Robinhood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com) Stanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - Go out and get “American Prison: A Reporter's Undercover Journey into the Business of Punishment” by Shane Bauer - [https://amzn.to/2JEI6mu](https://amzn.to/2JEI6mu) Join Brett Erickson, Andy Andrist as the entertain audience members Chaille, Tracey & Chad at the Alaska B4UDie Comedy Festival, Anchorage, Alaska April 2-7, 2019 - [https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/](https://www.alaskab4udiefest.com/) Check out  Chad's Twitch feed – [Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty](http://Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty) We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - . Check him out - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Let's hit it. A lot of you people might be wondering, where is Chad Shank during all these podcasts? Well, maybe we did them all in a row because we were having a fantastic day drinking. Chad Shank, a beloved member of the podcast. Don't worry, we'll still pay him out. But yeah, we had to get some shit out because we're all going to be gone. We are gone.

When you're listening to this, we're fucking gone. Literally and figuratively. Tom Konopka's here. Jonathan Short is here. Chaley's always here, but he's not always here, hence the reason we have to do all this shit in the same day.

They're called evergreens, meaning you don't know that we taped this a month ago or more. Oh, shit. I just let that cat out of the bag I just let that cat out of the bag. I let the cat out of the bag. Valentina Restrepo, who wants her full name used.

I talked to her because you've probably heard us mention this incident on a couple of podcasts where Valentina Restrepo uh from the frip for for florence immigrant and refugee rights project if you haven't heard that podcast she's a lawyer that focuses specifically the most niche focus of any lawyer she represents illegal aliens with mental illness that are about to be

deported that are in detention camps that's a very i always say that i have a niche audience of school shooters that didn't have bullets that's my go-to line yeah we're we have similar but different angles in our law and or comedy. Yeah, you've been outniched. So I've brought it up that she has no friends at all because she's a fake queer. She's got a lot of problems. She can't find a man or a woman. But she has a fake queer. She's got a lot of problems. She can't find a man or a woman. But she has a great name. She plays soccer.

I don't know if that's the... Are you selling me? I'm trying to... We're going to start a dating app. Stan Hope Fans Dating App. I can't tell you how many people have told me, hey, I had a blind date or a first date, and I decided to play your DVD for them. And if they didn't laugh.

It was the last date. Yeah. Exactly. This is the litmus test. Yeah. I suggest the other way. You want to break up with someone, but you don't want to break up? Take him to a Stanhope show. It's a good story at the other way. You want to break up with someone, but you don't want to break up? Take him to a Stanhope show.

It's a good story at the merch booth. I'm going to get off topic if you keep going with this line of questioning, Your Honor. That was good. By the way, Restrepo's first podcast was episode 277, Crazy and Illegal, Who You Going to Call? So that was when she first was on the podcast. Thank you, Charlie. And she's been coming down ever since football fans she's got pat the patriot the old school patriot guy on the helmet tattooed on her arm the good one my client told me that the reason that the patriots always

win is because the masons are paying tom. Well, that's true. If you've not watched The Ninth Configuration, one of my favorite movies of all time, it's Stacy Keach plays, he's a crazy person running an insane asylum. And that's Restrepo, Javelina. Yeah, she's got her own mental illness like bingo going on, but functional. Functional.

She's freeing people every day. She's fucking working hard. Please donate to that. Chaley will have the link. So you're coming out of here some weeks or months ago. I'm here like every other weekend and I always go the

Benson way. For the listener, when you come into Bisbee, you're fine. But leaving Bisbee, Border Patrol has either a 50 or 100 mile radius where they set up border checkpoints so when you leave bisbee right at the border you're gonna have to go through a border checkpoint they don't care when you're coming down they just care when you're coming back venus fly trap of drugs so if you have drugs bring them in but leave them here if it's

windy they close it because the dogs can't work. Or rainy. It was a dog that got me. Fucking dogs. Okay, okay. Are we saving questions till later? Because I just went through it, and I got fresh eyes now and watching what they're doing.

I have a couple of questions. I'm going to write them down. We'll do the questions later because I'm very curious about what is perceived as routine may not be legal. So I'm going to write those down. Doug, go through your thing, but I do want to have a question and answer at the end. Well, Javelina here, she's got her medical marijuana card. Arizona, the state, medicinal marijuana, no problem in the state. And that's how you maintain and it's what you do.

Yeah, I'm bipolar. I've been smoking weed forever. It really, really helps. And I was smoking in California cause that's where I went to law school and it was pretty relaxed, but then I moved to Alabama and obviously it was terrible. And I saw people every day getting locked up for it and it was absolutely ridiculous. And part of the reason that I moved to Arizona was because medical marijuana is legal. And I came and I got it because of, you know,

the side effects of the medicine that I take for my bipolar disorder. And I obviously bring it down here and then take it back up, and I've never had a problem. Since the beginning of football season i remember it was august when you came here and then we started talking shit about football and you've come down for most of football this season they never even asked for my driver's license they usually just wave at me and have me go through and this time the dog was coming around well i went the sierra vista way and the dog was coming around and I went the Sierra Vista way and the dog was coming around

and wagging its tail and getting excited about my back seat and I said oh is it about the weed because I have weed on me thinking oh this is totally fine I'll show them my card I'll do whatever and they're like we'll take care of it

over here and they pulled me into the little tent space it's Arizona as well it's like wave a gun take care of it over here. And they pulled me into the little tent space. Secondary screening. It's Arizona as well. It's like, wave a gun at them. Is it about the gun? No, no, that's fine. It's true.

I mean, and I jumped out and I opened my trunk thinking, this is not a problem at all. And they said, all right, well, we're going to have to confiscate that. And I said, okay, but I'm in Arizona. It's legal. And they said, well, it's legal and they said well it's legal in arizona but we're at a federal checkpoint and they said do you ever come through here and i was like yeah i go up and down from bisbee all the time and they were kind of embarrassed like why have we never caught you right and the dog was excited they fed the dog the treat i flipped out

absolutely flipped out and just started crying and telling them i moved to this fucking state so i could smoke fucking weed and fucking peace i'm bipolar is this why you got into the customs and border patrol so you could take legal weed from people who need it and I was just freaking out at them and they came back and they said well we can write you a we can have the police come and write you a citation I was like that makes no

fucking sense because it would have to be the state or county police like if you could write me a citation then you would but you can't it all started with but you could write me a citation, then you would, but you can't. Well, it all started with, but you're going through a federal checkpoint, then wouldn't someone from the federal government have to fucking write you a citation? Exactly.

They're fucking, they're spewing their own bullshit, and they're not even checking it. They're telemarketers reading a fucking directory tree. If yes, go here. tree if yes go here if no go here but they don't it doesn't make sense and they wouldn't give me a receipt and it drove me fucking insane because I want some kind like I got into this shit with TSA before and maybe

it's because I'm mentally ill and flip out at authority but it happens and I I just want to stop you for a second because your dad my dad trained me your dad

who's a loose cannon he's flying back to Columbia and he had a problem with TSA during the government shutdown and he's flying back and what happened he asked them are you still not getting paid and they said no no sir we're not he just told them good holy shit he's on his way out

that's a safe bet on your way out by the way restrepo's parents are divorced but they still live in an rv together it's sorry let's paint the picture accurately she's gonna yeah she's gonna she's got a colorful background shouting at set of senators in spanish to each other through the full mic of wall absolutely that's those are our facetime conversations you you started crying which is not a good lawyer move. I also did a costume change in the middle, because I'd gone hiking earlier in the day, so I was wearing shorts and a tank top. But then leaving here, I just put on this flannel robe that I found. So when I first got out of the car screaming and crying,

or in the back, I'm just wearing this enormous, I don't even know. And so then I got heated. And at that point, I was like, okay, I'm going to be a lawyer now. I'm going to pull it together and just wipe the tears from my face, took off the flannel robe, took out my phone, was like, I need all of your names. And then I started taking down their names. And one of them comes over at one point.

He's like, we really don't want to hurt you ma'am you know we're sympathetic to what you go through and i understand why you need to smoke the marijuana and i was like dude no absolutely not like like this is what you do like this is what you do for a living like fucking own it don't have me apologize to you for like the breakdown that you fucking caused me fuck you like i remember a comedian that uh was talking about something similar where like no you chose the profession where you look in my ass you you wanted this like you had to go to school to look in my ass this is a callback no i boo you mike di stefano god rest your soul come back soon well for context i read i mean essentially if you're a pd you read police deport reports public defender if you're a public defender you read

police reports which are hilarious because cops in most places that you're a public defender don't know grammar how to spell and it makes everything more entertaining but if you do deportation defense you're reading cbp reports customs and border patrol reports so every day i read about my clients getting found in the desert and hear about them getting the shit kicked out of them and it's these same guys and it's just like you don't even I don't I don't know how many things they need to patrol or control for uh like uh before they're happy or satisfied I don't know I don't know really what the policy angle is like they said the dog hit on your car oh absolutely and I saw the dog in my rearview mirror so he came he came around and I got a question uh can't now this might seem a little conspiracy theory but can't dogs are trainable absolutely you train a dog to do a hit even though they don't fucking hit you know what i'm saying they do that that's commonplace it seems like an easy thing

since it's something you trained to recognize an illicit drug can't you also go, but if I snap my fingers, you will fucking make that or tap. I've seen them tap, and I was like, isn't that telling them something? I'll play conspiracy with you because I just totaled my car and had to get a new car and I still don't have the plates on it.

So it's still the like the sort of printout. The temporary license. She hasn't had a lot of new cars. But, yeah, it's usually good for, like, three months. I've been totaled with a lot of cars. That's why.

Oh, so that was what you went through? So they thought that might be it? And they started asking about it. They were like, oh, no. And it's like, I'm not running drugs. There's fucking numbers on there. There's a computer that you use to put the fucking numbers in. What is the dog?

The dog can't read the fucking numbers. There's two well-trained dogs just there on the screen. They did the whole tree thing and everything. They then put the weed behind, in the trunk of the car, and then held a bone behind their arm. Oh, they're training at your expense. And brought the dog and show them the treat and give them the treat from the weed. Now if I turn this ace over, oh look, here's your card.

Ta-da. So when Border Patrol asks you to pull over, don't say, I have a bunch of legal weed in my car have you ever watched i've gone down youtube wormholes of people that fuck with border checkpoints here on purpose oh no it's a constitution i'm not gonna tell you my name i'm not gonna tell you anything i'm not gonna tell you shit i'm filming this i'm filming this uh i forget what they're called. But yeah, people just fucking... I hate to say, there's a lot of Alex Jones, InfoWars kind of people where you go, that guy's a piece of shit. But I understand that, yeah, you don't have any obligation to tell him anything. I'm fucking in Arizona.

I'm not at the border. I'm not crossing a border. You have this leeway. Right. the border. I'm not crossing a border. You have this leeway. So you went from crying to fuck you. Let me ask you a question.

Fuck you! I didn't do this. I did not do this and I wouldn't do this but I thought so long and hard about doing this. I wanted so badly to just be like i'm here from the aclu i want to see what your practices are and just pretend that i was gonna be part of every one of us on these mics and in the listening audience has that oh fuck 20 minutes later I should have done this

whether it's a fist fight at a bar I walked away but I could have done this you had all those the French have a phrase for what I should have said it's the same way Germans have schadenfreude

the French have I should have said this instead of surrender what it is in French is the wit of the stairs so as you're walking down and away from it it's what you should have said it's the latency that's fucking great

some listeners are looking up oh that's actually great it'll make people go, oh, do I want to listen to this or not? The wit of the stairs. Alright, I have at least one question because I

asked the other one. I think we're at breakpoint. Yeah, we're at breakpoint. That's a savior question. Leave the listeners wanting some. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm teasing it. But I do... I'm getting a boner. Are your bosses aware? Did you talk

to your bosses about what was going on? I made a joke about it at our all-staff meeting. Alright, so maybe we'll talk about what they said, and then I have a question. Just last night, something happened at Border Patrol. Okay.

I want to mention her ID. I have a question. Just last night, something happened to Border Patrol. Okay. Yeah. I've got a... Oh, good. I want to mention her ID. Oh, I'll grab it so we can read it because they told me... Oh, sorry. They... Save it. Save it.

Save it, whore. I'm going to get it. Whore, shut up, whore. You're a whore. That's an inside joke. All right. I don't call ladies on the podcast whores unless we do it personally. Unless they get-

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Sign up at stanhope.robinhood.com. That's stanhope.robinhood.com. Hey, we're back.robin it. I got it. I don't have to read it. You have an ID to get into these detention centers for your job that you're blessed by the Department of Homeland Security. I did not show that ID. blessed by the Department of Homeland Security. Oh, I did not show that ID. Well, you told me that when you've been fucked with around detention centers, if you show that ID and then they realize, oh, wait, she's not actually Department of Homeland Security. She's actually working against them, but she still has, like,

you didn't think similar access that out like i'm department of homeland security you are making basically minimum wage what's your name tag say i have the id i don't have a name tag you have a name tag i think i win i should get a badge you should badge, but not a name tag. Officer what and what? So it's issued by the Arizona Department of Health Services. And when they confiscated my weed, they told me to read, they waved the card in my face and told me to read the first line,

which says, Possessing marijuana may violate local, state, and federal laws, and this card may not provide legal protection. But I'm not... That's the fine print on the back. It's Customs and Border Patrol. The point is to keep things from outside the United States out of the United States. This is from the United States.

I had it in Tucson. I just brought it down to Bisbee. You bought it from a business that has a business license. You know what I mean? They have a business license to sell the weed. For the listener as well, it's worth pointing out that Valentina

is incredibly beautiful. To the level where she is that perfect level of very beautiful that it's not really beautiful and it's a pain in the ass. For the listener, she's hot for a girl. If you're into that, she's a compliment. But if you earn an 18 grand as a sort of, you know, stumping a Mexican's head, you know, as the benefit sort of thing, she's a hotican's heads you know it's the benefits sort of thing

she's a hot chick but she's the perfect level of beauty you've got to vision this thank you jonathan do you ever find that where like have you ever been pulled over just because you're a hot chick that's alone no but i think being a woman that's alone if you use a certain pitch then people just assume you're lost and feel bad for you and let you off you have a pitch that makes you sound kind of like a dude which i bet a lot of cops are into this is this is my actual pitch but you can hello officer hi oh. Hi. Oh, I've heard her on business calls, and her voice goes up

nine octaves, and she's like, Hi, this is Valentina Restrepo. Hi, this is Valentina Restrepo Montoya from the Florence Project. How may I help you? Oh, fucking hilarious. Get me. I mean, Doug, you and Tom Konopka, it's theka, it's the boiler room pitch.

You have an attitude. You're smiling. His walk changes, too, when he starts playing Doug's stand note, when he paces out front. That was the same voice as Carmen the Anal Queen. No, that was an actual no that was that that was that's that actually comes from la my first phone gig in the toner rooms in la where we'd call the 976 numbers back in the phone sex days i don't even know if they have 900 numbers anymore, but they were like paid. But the phones had cords taking you back. Yeah, and you'd call

phone sex. It was recorded shit. I'm Carmen the anal queen. And I was 18, so I was that kid. Oh, yeah. That's funny. I have to go to the bathroom for a minute.

I was that kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's funny. I have to go to the bathroom for a minute. Oh, fuck. Let's get back to Valentina, because Chaley has questions for Valentina, Javelina, the frip.

We have to. Frip. Frip. I keep forgetting the R. Florence. I don't know. It's fucking the Florence Project. Just Google it. That's it. You Google that. It'll come up. Keep forgetting the R. Florence. It's fucking the Florence Project. Just Google it. That's it. You Google that.

It'll come up. Send them money. Yeah, send them money. You can sign up for a monthly subscription as well if you've got money. No, you can. Yeah. Thank you, Jonathan. Oh, a monthly.

Yeah. Pay a monthly. You can get 10 bucks a month or something. Like a bill. Oh, you don't use bill. I have a question about that. So going through the Border Patrol last night, which I don't usually go north in the evening

because we have a practice of not leaving at night. From here, there's no reason to. We've got booze and TV. But we roll up, and I do one thing that I do want to tell you about. By the way, when you say the city that you went to over the border, say AP. Because when I said how every fucking white person in Bisbee calls that town, I said Agua Prieta, which is what everyone says. And she laughed at me I go is my dick hanging out or something I don't know why you're laughing

cause she says how come the not Russian kid got to say everything in his fucking language but I can't speak in mine cause he doesn't speak English you speak English perfectly!

I'm doing James Inman right now! I'm jumping up and down! I told her when I first met her, I go, I hope you don't do that shit in court, because most of the fucking justices you're talking in front of are fucking racist, so when you go ra- this fucking half-Jurgen. Or whatever he says.

I'm saying it from the judge's point of view. So how are we supposed to say Algo Prieta? I walk with AP. She can't walk with AP. So go ahead. Gringo. So as we're going through the border, we're heading north. And we're hitting the border border uh checkpoint that you got

popped in uh and i'm what and what i do is when there's cameras there's there's always a flash and i always have my arm up or i'm itching my whole face like a maniac i'm doing something just so someone goes what the fuck is that but I don't think they have one clear shot of me in the years that I've lived here. Because I'm like, fuck. Good for you. Were you wearing those glasses like you're playing racquetball in the opera theater? I forgot my glasses, so I got these. I used to do a thing where I'd be itching with my middle finger.

But I thought that was a little too aggressive. Because they ruminate over every person look why the fuck are they taking my picture as a human driving from one spot to another in America there is a federal agency

taking your picture every time you move from point A to point B that right there is fucked up okay notwithstanding the dogs they can train to do Every time you move from point A to point B, that right there is fucked up. Okay. And notwithstanding the dogs, they can train to do. No, and there are cameras everywhere. The dog can train to smell pot.

But believe me, when I tap the side of your door, I'm not signaling the dog that I've trained to do everything else. But that is a fucking, that's a, that's a, hey, buddy, what do you smell? It's fucking bullshit. Okay. So at the border stop, I always, Doug, back me up on this. When we drive through the border stop. Back me up! Junior stop, go shout out, click, go ahead. I always roll down the window on the passenger side or in the driver's side and behind me,

any windows behind me, so that they can look through. driver's side, and behind me, any windows behind me, so that they can look through. As the two cars in front of me, I notice the guy take his flashlight and then roll back through the windows. I'm like, well, he's doing that because they didn't roll down the windows. They're not smart enough to do that. And then I pull up, and he does the flashlight. I'm like, is that a legal search?

Is he entering my car in a way that goes beyond my rolling down the windows? No, I don't think so. So they are allowed to do that? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to sound so confident, but I believe that even cops, because, I mean, federal is always going to have more, because you say homeland security, everything's fine. But even your run-of-the-mill like county cop can look in,

can put a flashlight in. That is not a search. I've done it through your bedroom windows. That's not like drawing blood from someone. The flashlight to me is someone putting their hands up to the window to look through the tint. Is that fucking cool? So there are cases, there's case law that actually breaks down how close you can get into a house in order to have seen

something from the road type thing like if you see it from the neighbor's house and he consented to you being there but you're looking over the fence into the window is that or if you're outside behind past the garbage can at what point have you given up the garbage can that sort of thing like there's case law finding where that line is I think for flashing a light you can't argue I fucking rolled down the window

asshole I know I know and the more you help them the more they fuck you over is what we're learning hey man don't look under the carpet cause I got a gram of coke so i i've been through that checkpoint several times and i've got a bit of a history because i'm a dirty immigrant um of getting into the country when i was on like sort of different different visa and things that I had in the past and things, I've got a green card now but the this, the checkpoint

on the road, leaving I've been caught, they've stopped me twice normally because I'm just a fucking pudgy portly middle aged white guy in a relatively new truck they just wave me through

America is known for racism against portly white guys so they know your white privilege even more yeah but my favorite my favorite fuck you to those guys and first i want to start because i i've had a history of coming in at the country on visas and travel visas and work visas and green cards. So I've had a bit of... You know, an undesirable interaction to these guys. The first thing I want to say is

there's good guys and there's fucking assholes in that trade. And I've spoken to some people and they've been grilling me. And they're fucking great. And they're friendly and nice. I mean, I'm a middle And they're fucking great. And they're friendly and nice. I mean, I'm a middle-aged white guy, so they would be friendly and nice to me. And there's fucking dicks.

Often obese as well. So that's okay. But my favorite... We've got a crier over here. We've got a crier. I might be able to fuck her. My favorite fuck you to them, because it was at the same checkpoint you did. They pulled me over.

Well, they stopped me. They didn't pull me over out of the lane of traffic. They just chatted to me. And my accent gives myself away. And they said, are you a citizen? And I said, no, but I've got a green card. And he said, can I see it? And somebody was telling me, I think it was JV,

was saying that, yeah, they're not allowed to do that. But I did. I just got it out of my wallet. I have to carry my green card everywhere in my wallet all the time, legally. And I showed him my green card. And he said to me, oh, what do you do? Like for work.

And I just nonchalantly said, oh, no, I'm retired. And like, I'm an old fuck. I mean, I'm 45 next month and stuff. But I don't look too bad. I look like I still think I look too young to be retired. You can be 18 and be retired. Well, that's it. The Kardashians have never worked a fucking day in their life.

They're retired. You know what I'm worried about is that I look too old. Oh, yeah, yeah, you's it. The Kardashians have never worked a fucking day in their life. They're retired. You know what I'm worried about is that I look too old. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're retired. So I think I still look young enough to say, oh, yeah, I'm retired. Like I've made a shitload of money. And he doesn't. He earns a fucking pittance, you know, being a water guard. And it's just not, oh, no, no, work.

God Christ, why would you do that sort of thing you know no no i'm retired and i just think i personally i think that was my favorite fuck you to these guys you know fucking around with people like valentina here you know uh i i was outraged that they made you cry. I made me cry. And you wouldn't give me any details that night. I was so furious. So when we talked about this the first time on a podcast, all I had was the few details

you texted me. I fucked up, though. As I was leaving, I rolled down my window, or it was already rolled down, and I told him you did a good job. Queers! Queers! Did you scream queers? rolled down my window or was already rolled down and i told him you did a good job and i told him like good job you got an immigration attorney and i don't know why i told them that but i was just so pissed off and i'm sure it made them no i'm sure it made them happy i'm sure they high-fived and and every i mean i mean you know the law and you're crying it's like doug and i we don't know the law i could have been sucking dick to get out of secondary because you you are supposed to have like at least a i do knowledge

of the law that it's like yeah hey look look guys hey hey. I do, and I had a thing with TSA, and I do feel very strongly that it's one of those things, like, these are agencies that are fucking people over every day, and no one knows what to say to them. So I feel like I'm in charge, even if I'm just a little bit fucked over, to kind of push, you know, we're supposed to hold them to some kind of standard. to kind of push, you know, we're supposed to hold them to some kind of standard. When you're done, Hannigan, to this day, Hannigan has never gone through TSA. Pre-check? He says, I opt out, which is like now that's six, eight years old. We used to, we tried to start a website that was a fake gay website where that was a fetish was opting out to get the pat down because you wanted a fucking tsa agent to touch you so you could masturbate later in the toilet to that like just to shame them and it was one of

those things i have a bit now that's kind of similar but is it okay to use homophobia to stop like a TSA guy, I don't want to fucking pat him down because he's queer. He's going to jerk off thinking about this.

That boner's above his belt. Jesus. I'm not going over there. I used to do that during the opt-out times where I would opt out. And when they patted me down, I'd go, oh, yeah, no, higher. Oh. I would do that. But then you get to an age where you go, I got to get there on time. Or you got to get to your gate.

Yeah, that's what happened last time. They had me through the, When you say the scan, it's like the way you put your hands up like you're being robbed. Yeah. Interesting, right? And I was like,

I'm not fucking doing that because Brendan Walsh never does it. He doesn't fucking care. He doesn't care. He's never, ever gone through. Remember, if you've checked your bag,

that fucking plane ain't going. Yeah. So I should've remembered that. For the listener, that works on the outbound flight not on a connection once you've been on the plane but on an outbound flight you know when you hear in the airport uh bob jones your flight is leaving bob jones go to gate 22a bob jones and then you're sitting there drinking at the bar. Bob Jones, the flight is seriously leaving now.

That's because he checked a bag and on the outbound flight, Bob Jones checked a bag. If you don't get on the flight, they have to unload your bag and make everyone fucking wait. So yeah, that works outbound, not connections. Keep that in mind.

The last time I flew out of San Francisco, the last time I went to the UK about eight months ago, I flew out of San Francisco, and I went through the millimeter wave, you know, the one where you put your hands up. No, the one where they're robbing you, where you put your hands up and give up all your rights. And I looked at the screen, and there was a dart right next to my nuts. And I had this.

A what? A dart? Or a dart? Like a laser? Like the screen they look at before they wave you on to see where there's energy. It was right next to my nuts. I had nothing to tell it. But I had this guy.

You weren't spinal tapping it? No. But this guy, I had the most, I don't know. I don't know much about blokes fancying them, but they, I think, an incredibly handsome 6'7 African, very dark black guy. Lucky. With an African accent. And he really fucking massaged my testicles and cock.

I mean, it was like really fucking and he was quite embarrassed. And I was sort of smirking, you know. Fucking Jesus. He was in control of his hands. I'm not sure he was too embarrassed. The thing is, he was such a handsome guy. I think he was a handsome guy. I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

But I think he was a handsome guy. He was six foot seven and black. He was handsome. I'm trying to figure out who's more gay in this story. So I don't know, but I suspect he was a really handsome man. He said, fucking,

this is San Francisco. You'll get guys putting fucking shotgun pellets down their underwear just so they can meet you. How much metal do I need before I get the pat down? But that was very invasive. It was incredible. I was going to say another scanning story

at airports, but I've completely forgotten what it is. You know, from now on, especially leaving Tucson, we don't get that a lot, though, do we, Doug? Is there a stand-up, stick-em-up fucking scan in Tucson? No, Tucson.

Tucson, best airport in the world. Tucson airport. Fucking great. It's so small that you go, like, I know Bingo and I, we know all the Delta gate agents.

They, hey, where you been? We haven't seen you in a while. Shout out, Yaraxi. Delta. I don't know how TSA works, but you never see the same TSA agents. I don't know how they. Rubber banded. There's multiple gates.

There's multiple gates. They aren't specific to a concourse. They're going to go from one to the other. You never say, hey, good to see you again. Like, never. But the gate agents are the same ones all the time. I don't know if it's like McDonald's, Burger King turnover. It's pay rate, man.

You think the people at your gate that works for Delta is making what a TSA agent makes? I have no idea. I'll tell you right now. No way. As much as I go through Tucson airport security, you would know a guy at that point. Because you hate a guy. If there's one guy that's a dick, you're going to remember him. And I don't remember anyone from TSA.

I know the bartenders at every airport bar in Tucson. Intimately. Delta. Intimately. Well, that makes it sound like I'm fucking them. And my wife just showed up. Jesus. People at the old sushi bar in Tucson, Tracy and I would show up without you.

And they're like, oh, Doug's friends are here. That's intimately. They knew you and your traffic pattern. My drink? Yes. Same thing? Absolutely. Vodka, soda, splash of grapefruit. You drink with Doug drinks, right? Well, I guess I will this time. Yeah.

Connie. Yeah. No, Tucson Airport's good. No queue at the TSA. But it's weird that TSA people, we never see the same one twice. Yeah, turnover is probably pretty high. I've had people recognize me and go, hey, Doug, stand up. I saw you on whatever. It's always Joe Rogan's podcast 90% of the time.

Yeah, you were on Joe Rogan's podcast. 90% of the time. Yeah, you were on Joe Rogan's podcast. I have a podcast myself. Oh, yeah, what's it called? It's shorter. Way shorter. This is not the Joe Rogan podcast. You don't have to think as much on my podcast. But you never see him twice, and it's like they kill them.

They bury those dead on the basis of a wage. I used to always think, well, yeah, if it came down to it, I'd just work at fast food. Now it's like, well, if it came down to it, Border Patrol, TSA. I mean, I think that's the lowest of the low is the TSA agent is not making, I mean, that's the low – I think that's the lowest of the low is a TSA agent is not making – I mean, no disrespect, but I think their entry level is so low, like what they have – like their threshold to actually get the job. That's probably why the turnover is so high. Who makes more, TSA agents or correctional officers?

I don't – Let me get back to that because that's a good question but as far as uh the lowest of the low it depends on how much you perceive your own power so yeah you make a certain wage there's nothing wrong with making a certain wage. But if you perceive that you have power that you're going to put down on people because whatever you're making, who gives a fuck what you're making? You're trying to make a living. But if you're being a dick about it, yeah, fuck you.

Just let shit slide. Yep. Oh, I saw a thing. It looks like a can of Coke you forgot and you're slide. Yep. Oh, I saw a thing. It looks like a can of Coke. You forgot and you're fucking. Yeah. I would gladly give up the odds of dying in a terrorist attack for just let me fucking go. Well, what if the plane blows up?

Yeah, one out of a million might blow up. I'll take the odds. Just let me slide. Go ahead. Whoever I just interrupted. It was somebody in your head. You interrupted. I just interrupted someone.

Chaley was talking about entry level. Corrections. I don't know. I'm still looking it up Oh, that's what it was. I don't know if I'm good. I'm still looking it up. I'm still looking it up. TSA versus corrections, like entry level, what they make. All right.

Well, let's start on that. Corrections officers, especially California, have unions that are demanding that we keep people locked up longer. So all these fuckheads, fuck you corrections officers. I'll defend TSA on a level. Hold on a second. They're just taking a job. Our fucking government is the one that's hiring.

They're hiring these fucking companies. They're hiring these companies to basically... It's a commercial venture. I broke my cigarette. I tried to punch the microphone. I punched my cigarette in half. Then you lit a fucking... Oh, I thought you lit the filter. I punched my cigarette in half.

The corrections officers are taking a job. And they can either be good at it or they can be... But it's the government that is hiring these companies that fucking... The correctional... That's private prisons. Sean Bauer.

Private prisons. Which is a huge problem. That's a big part of the problem. All prisons are a problem when you fucking... All right. Wait. You're saying there should be no prisons? I don't have enough information right now that I can recall.

You're saying there should be no prisons? Wait, you're saying there should be no prisons? You're saying there should be no prisons? No, I'm saying that correctional officers have unions that are so strong with lobbyists that no, we need more people locked up because otherwise

fucking Bill and Ted grown up, excellent adventure have some thing they're going to slap a fucking billy stick across the bars and yeah they want people locked up they don't care why they're locked up well listen to my next special how much of creating jobs is at the expense of quality of life and prison guards are involved in that and fuck them What are they going to do?

Become truckers or vice versa. And I'm not going to spill my bit right here. We're drunk. I'm drunk. Valentina is the only one. Javelina is the only one that's not drunk. So close it up, whore. Hold on a second.

I think you want to be just slightly above. See, you probably want to be a TSA agent before a correctional officer. Entry level. Because it's about $30,000 to $40,000. American Prison by Shane Bauer. And before that was, what's his name? Paul Beattie? No, no.

He was a prison guard. It's not Krakauer. It's the guy that was a... Did you read it in Costa Rica?ica no i read the early one another guy that went to sing sing as a prison guard that he references in american prison as a catalyst to do his book they both went undercover as prison guards and he they both talk about how being a prison guard when that's half your awake life is or more when they give you overtime that you can't say no you can't bow out of where you're basically the same prisoner you're stuck in a fucking prison and the the suicide rates of prison guards but yeah when you live in stark

florida that's your option you could either be a poet and go go down to key west and whittle some scrimshaw monkey heads out of fucking coconuts or you're gonna be a prison guard you can follow your dreams which you won't or you can be a prison guard and that basically brings you down to an alternative side of prisoner versus you when you're in the same in the uk prison guards you need no qualifications at all and you leave school at 16 in the uk you gotta You need no qualifications at all. I got extra copies of this book, American Prison, for you. I was waiting for someone to show up.

You have to read this fucking book. Yeah, we'll do. I got a revised thing here. Corrections officers are made between $19 and $24 an hour to start with. All right, that's... And then TSA starts at $16. I'm not shitting on any of these people.

I want everyone to get a job. I'm just saying. It's just an entry level. He was at $10.20 an hour, and then they gave him a bump up of a dollar. Oh, the author who got the job. Shane Bauer, American prison. Can't push it enough. Yeah. And once again, like prison guards,

there's good ones and there's bad ones. And if you're a good one, good for you. Every position, but they don't allow you to be a good guy in a lot of these positions. You will get demoted or fired for being a good one. Oh, Denimor. I mean, and basically watching the show, the guy who was being cool to the prisoners,

he ended up doing time. And he was just trying to be cool. He didn't do anything. I don't think he did anything wrong. Well, you can't be cool to them. Based on Ben Stiller's version of it. Prison doesn't work, and I don't have an option. And I'm staying alive to figure out the option for prisons.

Mental health treatment centers. But that's another podcast. But that's a different diversion from, all right, what about the worst of the worst? How do you deal with it? Do you keep them in a fucking cell that's a six by nine and a super max in fucking colorado is that the best i i'm pro death penalty when it comes to that like just fucking kill the guy because you're torturing him otherwise ted bundy well all right this is there's a there's a lot of other podcasts. Get this lawyer out of here. Go search your car.

How do you be humane and deal with these people? On another podcast, we're going to kill this one. Hold on a second, Doug. You've been in a country that handles high security in a different way than America does. When you went to- The Scandinavian countries, but I don't know what the difference is. like high security in a different way than america does when you went to the scandinavian countries but i don't know what the difference is you i mean you smoked cigarettes with these guys and they had yeah there were hot plates and and computers how does it always end chaley when chad shank and i chad shank god rest his soul on these um evergreen podcasts just because he wasn't here. Twitch.tv slash

HD underscore fatty. At HD fatty and I have these long rambunctious drunken it always boils down to overpopulation. And

again it does. Scandinavia yeah they know the guy. In Bisbee, Arizona, you talk about homeless people in San Francisco. Here, it was Brokey. I don't know what happened to him, but Brokey was the homeless guy with the We'll Work for Food sign that said...

Didn't they shoot him around the back of Safeway? No, no, that's a crazy guy. This is the guy that had the sign and it said I have heart problems, I have disabilities, I'm willing to work, I have a bad back. All this sign was

I can't work, but I want to work. It was will work, I have experience in concrete, bad back and knees. I don't know. Everything is either medical maladies. Everything is carrying heavy things or bending over. So it's basically-

He had three medical maladies that required he didn't work for food. Will work for a slip and fall on your property. Yes. But the point is that we know our homeless guy because it's a small population. Yeah. Where if you're, every argument that you have about how to fix society is less people. Because when you know the people, the stomping kittens, go find that fucking bit. I did a whole bit about this

that no one listens to. Stomping kittens! If you have a kitten at home, you go, I can't wait to get home to Mr. Bimbles. But if there's a million kittens when you get home, you're putting on golf shoes going, fuck these kittens! Fuck! There's no...

Sorry, can I just put a last add in? Muddy bears. I think I did it at the start. But I moved to the States aged 40, so I've been eating sort of aged 42

sort of candy bars that I've never had before. Butterfinger, which, bingo, gave me a butterfinger once because I've never had one.

Pretty damn good. Bingo introduced Also, the other one was the Payday bar. Never had one of those. I love the Payday. I got good. Go introduce. Also, the other one was the payday bar. Never had one of those. I love the payday bar. I got fired from a job because of payday. Today, age 44, I've had the best candy I've ever had.

Muddy bears. I had a muddy bear. Holy fuck shit. Do a free ad for those guys. It's amazing. You just did. I've evidently talked about muddy bears randomly on the podcast to the point where the people that run Muddy Bears listen to the podcast and they go, you've mentioned us at least three times and they sent me a case of Muddy Bears. I'm like, how fucking random is that?

I have a random enough audience. is that like it's i have a random enough audience but the fact that the muddy bears people and they sent me a case and since then of all the things that we've ever promoted everyone is like muddy bears they're fucking great on twitter yeah fucking muddy bears These are great. No one knows about Muddy Bears? Yes, they do now. Are you talking about Muddy Bears on Twitter? At Muddy underscore Bears? Yeah, keep doing it. This is not a paid sponsor. In a way, they are because they send us free Muddy Bears.

Let's be honest. It's someone in the warehouse that alerted admin to, hey, maybe you should just say, it will cost you no effort. There's no sweat equity in here. Just fucking say, Stan Hope, here's five cases. Jonathan said, do you mind if I try these muddy bears? And I go, yeah. And someone else said, no, you're going to, you said, you said, no, you're going to eat the whole box.

Take that. He did. He ate the entire fucking box. You just gave me a stare that said you can have two, but then wrap them up and put them back in the box. I'm drinking castor oil to get money bears out of my system. Money bears are fucking fantastic. All right.

That's a good closer thank you Muddy Bears our unofficial sponsor we have an official sponsor don't say it Stan Hope we'll get back to that hey thank you Javelina Restrepo Jonathan Short

Tom Konopka and Greg Chaley, and Bingo just showed up, so we're gonna go talk to Bingo. Maybe we do another podcast. Hey, hold on a second. Muddy Bears has no fucking followers. They got like

2,500 people following. No, 479 people following. I mean, come on. Let's fucking just bump this up. Go to at muddy underscore bears. Just tell them you heard about them on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Thank you.

Good night. Well, I've told you before and I will tell you again That when the Adderall hits, I'll be you again. Can't work it off I don't burn trees I like the bears that hug on me This feeling's sort of bumpy Now I kind of feel funny Don't expect me to be civil When I'm sober Your news is nothing

I can stand to hear You make the pounding worse When I start thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking. No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. The ride gets rocky and I just need a bump. So I can walk the race and say tonight, what a jump. Oh, there's maybe something

That you can't understand But mine is not a way That's meant for any other man People make me crazy And it's worth to be honest When it's over Make a mental note And try to stay gone

Flame proof Teflon and immune to your ends Just leave me with my good friends, my booze and some pills Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing I can stand to hear You make the pounding worse when I start thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like it when I'm drinking.

No, I don't even like it when I'm drinking. So don't you worry why I chose the route that I'll fly. I prefer it when it's crazy cause I feel more alive. I never knew exactly what I wanted to be. But I found that making laughter is a way to stay free. Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober. Your news is nothing I can stand to hear. You make the family worse when I stop thinking. And I don't even like you when I'm drinking. No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking.

No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking. Bye.