The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #305: The Diarrhea Podcast

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

A quiet Bisbee evening with Doug, Chaille, and Morgan Murphy sharing a bottle of bourbon and swapping diarrhea stories. Get first crack at tickets by joining the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/](https://www.dougstanhope.com/). All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates). Recorded Feb. 27rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byStanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing Song, “The Diarrhea Song Chh Chh”, A classic from your youth as performed by John Vancouver. [https://www.youtube.com/user/jjanetka](https://www.youtube.com/user/jjanetka)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Is this it? Is this the podcast? Yeah. Quiet nights in Bisbee. Just me and Greg Chaley sharing a beautiful bottle of bourbon. I don't usually drink bourbon. I don't know the difference, honestly. I only started drinking whiskey during the 30 days in the hole at all.

And then over the course of time, I've boiled it down to whiskey or vodka i still do gin i dare to say that we were the uh you had one drink for each type of alcohol and after 30 days in the hole you think out of the box and like you, especially with the fizzes and then like you now with the whiskey. Sours. The sours. I made them with egg white. Yeah. Like a proper whiskey sour with egg whites.

And they give me the shits really bad. What? Egg whites. You get those every night. The raw egg whites. I know. And then I. Why would you do that?

Because they're delicious. And I like diarrhea. God damn it. What? You know what? You gave me that. No, Hennigan. Hennigan had the recordings of the last gigs I did in 2017,

which was July, the Comedy Store gigs. Oh, yeah. So I listened to those, and he had Olivia Grace recorded on them. And I listened to a part. I want to go back and listen to the full thing. But I was listening to chunks of her set. And, I mean, it starts out with diarrhea. And diarrhea is always funny.

The Joe Rogan rule of comedy. Anything coming in or out of your asshole is always funny and diarrhea is the funniest thing to come out of your ass and she had this fucking brilliant bit i could hear myself in the recording of a sold-out comedy store fucking howling laughing i go that's definitely me. And what was my point? Well, you're listening to your sets. I don't know if that's your point. No, no. It was before that.

Or diarrhea from the drink that you have Tracy make you every night, a whiskey sour. Oh, yeah, the whiskey sour. That's it. In fact, some nights you will go to bed and then come back out and then ask her to make you a whiskey sour if we're still here. They're fucking delicious. They're too sweet. That's why I like my go-to is vodka, soda, tiny splash of grapefruit or whatever. If there's no grapefruit, which there isn't a lot, cranberry or something.

But if nothing else, just vodka soda because there's no sugar in it i mean there's sugar and alcohol but but it's as far as keeping off the pounds yeah vodka soda vodka i don't like to do it. Vodka V8 is the healthiest. It's a Bloody Mary kind of without the spices. It's not. It's a vodka V8. It doesn't feel right. It's not the same thing. It's V8 juice though.

Yes. And V8, you know, the common misnomer about V8 juice is that there's way too much sodium in it. And Bingo's mother, who's over-the-top nutritionist lady, she's like, yeah, that's all salt. And then she looked at the label. She goes, oh, it's not really that bad. Not that bad. Yeah.

And I hammer a V8. If I'm at home and being healthy, I start with a smoothie. Beets, asparagus, cucumber asparagus cucumber spinach rotten vegetable smoothie sometimes they're no actually look man in the morning never go i'm pickier in the never go look at the kitchen at a chinese restaurant okay look at your own fucking kitchen would you pass, literally, go into the kitchen right now, listener, and say, would this pass a health inspector's test? There's still fucking ground beef underneath the burner that you didn't wipe out. Pulling the spatula out of the dirty sink to clip an egg. I think that all the time when I'm fucking cooking for football or some dumb party.

I'm making some snacks. I go, if John Taffer from Bar Rescue, hopefully that show is over by now. I think it's still going strong. I don't ever watch it. The only time I've ever really watched episode was with you when we found out how bogus it was. When you're in the van watching yourself walk in to order wings. So fucking bogus. Jeez, I don't know if I even put that in the book.

I had some chapter about reality shows. I don't even know if I put the whole, I was a fake guy on John Taffer like I was on Jerry Springer. Anyway, but the idea, oh, you're going to kill someone. Well, then I wouldn't have to worry about telling people not to come over that there's no football anymore because they'd all be dead. Everyone would be dead just from one of my plates of nachos if it's really that virulent because my kitchen couldn't. I don't think I could get a building permit much

less health inspectors a rating we got a permit you wouldn't get a food inspection but i'm saying yeah yeah so we want you're adding an addition but we looked at your kitchen and there's no way this will ever be up to code based on your fucking hygiene just my personal hygiene has that man he's been sitting out just my personal hygiene i couldn't i couldn't get passed by the health department to be a a legitimate safe human being i'd be quarantined just on my lack of showering that is your uh that is man that your spirit spirit animal is basically that philosophy. I don't know what I'm trying to say. When we went to Costa Rica.

Doug, you have taken it to the nth degree, and I've kind of lightened up a little bit. Maybe it doesn't look like it, but I have. That you just live life. You don't fucking worry about all this. Yes, you wash the cutting board if you cut chicken on it. You do that. I'm paranoid about that. Yes, that. I'm paranoid about that.

Yes, yes. I'm paranoid about the good things. But the other things, you don't sweat it. No. If the dog licked the fork, you wouldn't go throw the fork away and go get another one. You would just fucking – maybe wipe it off on your thigh. The five-second rule. Yeah.

Yeah, eat my own five-second rules and it's 30 seconds. I eat my own five-second. Yeah. eat my own five second rules and it's 30 seconds. I eat my own five second. That's a t-shirt. I eat my own five second rules. Minutes later. The dogs. The dogs would be dead. Should I feed them? There's no way. How do the dogs live?

I'm not saying I do animal experimentation with spoiled food. A dog can eat things that a human can't. You understand that. No, I don't. I don't ask a lot of questions. I was saying that I enjoy diarrhea. I was going to go with vomit, but...

I was trying to think if we could get Kenny to eat vomit like a dog. Like, that would be the pie-eating contest. Come on, Henry and Kenny. See who can finish the plate first. And see who can finish the plate first. They all have a little bib on. Kenny's sweating because he really wants to win. He's like, I got this.

I got this. Let's change the title of this podcast to the Punch Drunk Podcast because we're both a little giddy here, basically alone in the fun house and giggling at our own jokes. And I like that. That's a great mental picture. Kenny, like, sweating it because he wants to beat Ickpot in eating a bowl of vomit. Vomit's almost as funny as diarrhea.

Kenny, hands behind your back. I hope one day when I die tragically by design, I hope I'm one day heralded as some kind of fucking Bill Hicks or Honey Bruce But they find out all I really laughed at was poop and vomit jokes That's all that really made me fucking laugh hard

Make Oh, the make story Jesus, I can remember how hard I fucking laughed with Erickson. But diarrhea, I enjoy. I don't know why. Because sometimes I enjoy being sick, like flu sick. Yeah, I can see that. Because it's the only time I feel like I have an excuse to be doing nothing.

That was Costa Rica. We were as if we were sick, but we weren't sick because we didn't go anywhere. We didn't do anything. And that is really, that's bliss. But I still felt like I should be. Even when you guys were walking down to sushi, I don't want to do that.

I wish I had a violent flu and I had the fucking chill sweats and all that. Just have an excuse. I've been drinking since four in the morning and it was two o'clock, three o'clock in the afternoon and you had to walk a mile down a road. I did. Yeah, I did do that one time, but I felt like I should be renting a fucking, hey, sunset cruise. No, I don't want to do that. I want to...

No one did that. I like diarrhea for the same reason. I'll occasionally take laxatives. You used to do that on the road. No. Or when you came back. Yeah, no, when I came back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, especially with flights that backs you up. You get dehydrated. I take Xanax pills, back you up. I eat maniacally. I rarely eat at home. And when I do, I eat healthy at home. But on planes, I get immediately famished as soon as I sit down. I can't get food until they give it to me.

I want food now. Whatever psychological thing I eat, I bring snacks. They're not good. They're from a Hudson News. The candy. They're gummy. Gummy. The jimmies and the gummies and the jerkies or whatever.

I always forget those, but the grapefruit triangles. Yeah. Those are good. They're very good. They're no muddy triangles. Yeah. Those are good. They're very good. They're no muddy bears. No. But they're fucking good. And the raspberry things.

I thought you ate the food on the plane because it was free. It's also because you can't smoke. And when you can't smoke, that's an oral fixation, probably. I don't know. I'm not going to get into some bullshit psychology I'm making up on my own as people want to do. No, but you are right. Now that I think of it, you do start to eat as soon as you get on the plane. And then that's only because you can't be drinking right away.

And that might be part of it. Because then all of a sudden you're asleep. Because that's the third point in the triangle. But the meal comes, if I'm in first class and a meal comes, wake me up. Whatever you do, wake me up to eat it. However terrible it is, it's fucking fantastic

because I'm sure people in Supermax in Florence, Colorado would, yeah, when the meal comes, yeah, if you're not throwing feces at the guard, you can't wait to eat whatever shitty green bologna they're giving you. Everyone needs a hobby. Because it's something to do during the day. But diarrhea. We're going to call this the diarrhea podcast well you know i'm it i don't know why evacuating your bowels at such a rapid rate repeatedly over the course of the day it feels somehow healthy it feels like i'm losing weight it feels like i'm getting toxins out of my system and it feels like diarrhea uh as the late great otto and george said

it was like yoo-hoo rocketing out of my asshole and it's a fucking fun i i enjoyed diarrhea and and and deathly influenza and i you're connecting this to the egg whites in a drink that you drink nightly. Not nightly. It's only when Tracy comes up to bartend because I'm too lazy to make them myself and I don't make them right. Every night I'm here, you drink one. Well, you're here with Tracy. And other nights I just drink. So do you have diarrhea the day after you don't drink one of those?

Sometimes. Oh, so that's just not that's not a direct i had like six diarrheas today hey this is the bone zone brendan walsh would always complain to me about himself like oh you say things that matter tell too it's the grass is always greener like i want to be as funny ever as brendan walsh with his fucking pranks and david tell and they say oh well you talk about stuff that matters i talk about diarrhea brendan walsh they go diarrhea is funny yeah i'm not funny i might say things that matter but no one fucking laughs while they laugh or applaud or whatever as long as they buy t-shirts

but yeah diarrhea is fucking hilarious and good for you i don't know why you settle for like this is a way to live a life with diarrhea every morning that's not there's there's things you can do it's not every morning sometimes i'm backed up because of you. I think you need to take fiber supplements. Would you rather? Why are you so opposed to getting on a microphone, Morgan? I didn't want to bother. No, no. You said come in.

You're shaking your hand for me. No, I was going to tell you. Get on the mic. You have to be on the mic. Move your chair. It moves. Sorry, guys. Sorry I'm not up to diarrhea standards for this podcast.

Would you rather Morgan? Uh, you'll, I'll let you make your point. Yes. Uh, but would you rather have diarrhea or constipation? Diarrhea.

Oh, absolutely. All right, then shut up. Now go ahead with your point. How about neither? you just might. Diarrhea has brought Morgan Murphy out of her,

uh, fucking, she's like Kenny sitting there on her phone Kenny sits on his phone in the funhouse and plays slot machines for no money on his phone and you think he's getting yelled at by his wife or something because he's texting

no he's playing slot machines you're playing quiz show games no I was editing photos thanks for guessing what I'm doing no you showed me at one point yeah for three minutes till i lost okay so but diarrhea yeah brought you into the conversation well it's the only safe thing it's the only horse shack over there except without the noise when you really think about it diarrhea is the edgiest thing you can talk about in comedy right now.

I'm like, oh, they're talking about diarrhea. That's safe. It is relatable. No one's going to go, I can't believe what you said about diarrhea. We're not hiring you. She was waiting for a comment that was safe? I was waiting. No, I just was like, oh, I can talk about diarrhea all day long.

No one's going to be like, oh, she has controversial diarrhea opinions. I don't think we should bring her on to this show. Stay with me. What if, go ahead and light that because I need to light her next. What if we get the killer termites who are already bored and attacking people unnecessarily to take a subject like diarrhea and start,

like just follow find diarrhea tweets and say listen my son died of diarrhea or something this is not like take a safe subject like that and make it completely like just bring

the whole over I hate saying politically correct but whatever this movement is right and just bring it to a point that's so absurd can we please call it live aria can you guys are we uh i'm offended if i were you i would just go right back to your phone and play trivia games because you just won this podcast. You just came up with a way to have a problem with talking about diarrhea. Why don't you go to the very local spa and get a colonic that you make fun of me for because it's essentially the same feeling. Oh, I've had a colonic.

Right, but you told me you weren't going to go back there. I was like, why don't you go? Because I've had a colonic. Right, but you told me you weren't going to go back there. I was like, why don't you go back? Because I've had a colonic. That's why I wouldn't go back. It doesn't seem like he needs one. It's diarrhea, but you get to lie down. And watch it go through a tube while someone judges it. Sorry.

They don't judge it. They actually are very complimentary up there. I'm not talking about that place. When I did it in Alaska. Okay. complimentary up there i'm not talking about that place when i did it in alaska okay uh hey uh by the uh really underrated album uh doug stanhope from across the street it's only audio uh but i i listened to that and i go this is really fucking good a lot of it do you know the best thing about you but i talk about the colonic I got and how it was.

Dominatrix Healthcare. If you can't buy the album, just look up Dominatrix Healthcare. I think that's the track. You have a very conducive, your lifestyle is conducive to diarrhea for the most part because you are usually here. Like LA is not a good diarrhea city because you drive usually an hour from your house and you're in your car. You live in a good diarrhea city, is what I'm saying.

We're talking, I don't want to get into the subject, but we were talking about comics, talking about New York versus L.A., and that would be a funny thing to write in that whole thing is L.A. is a friendlier diarrhea city because New York, you can't, everything is no restroom or restrooms for customers only. No, if you're a person who gets diarrhea, then you're a person who needs friends in various areas of the city

where you can say, hey, I'm an hour and a half from my house. I just had therapy. Can I stop at your place for a second? That's, you know, that's really if you're a person with, you know, with inconsistent bowels and you don't know what they're going to do, you just need friends all around. You need a friend in New York on the Upper East Side, Lower East Side, Brooklyn, every borough. Oh, my God.

You need a diarrhea friend in every borough. That's making me anxious just thinking about how many people you have to talk to. Yeah. You're talking about diarrhea that has patients. Because this happened to me 100 yards away at Jen's house. And I go, oh, I don't know if I can make it up the stairs. That's two doors down from here. Yeah.

And eight steps up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, the diarrhea was going to make it through a door before Doug did. Oh, my God. I don't know. When you tweet something, you just assume everyone saw it. But at that car show, I tweeted a picture.

Oh, I remember. On Arizona Street. Oh, I remember. A local car show. Two blocks the other way. Yeah. And I go, oh, I'm feeling some grumbling. And then once you get it in your head that this is going to happen, oh, God, there's no turning back.

And I made it almost to the toilet. I made it above the toilet, but it was... You were in the room. I was in the room. But let's just say the barrel of the gun wasn't pointed in the right direction. It was. Misfire.

Yeah, it hit the seat and the wall as I was trying to sit down. And of course I have to tweet the picture because you want to be honest with my fan base needs honesty. And even if they don't want it and it's unnecessary, I feel like I have to admit that I just shit all over the wall. It is the next phase of thing that like normalizing sex,

normalizing bodies, normalizing all this stuff. Like it is a fairly normal. There's a comedian in LA who posted a picture of she had menstruated on stuff by her toilet or whatever. Too soon.

And people got offended. And I was like, that shit's happened to me where you're running in and you're, you know, but it's like, it's all natural. Okay, shit's happened to me where you're running in and you're you know but it's like it's all natural okay Murphy's on to something we get half the killer termites

to be offended by diarrhea and then the other half fighting for the rights of diarrhea diarite and then posting like pictures of rotten what rotten awful diarrhea pictures but with like catch phrases that are

like uh like phrases that are like unicorns and rainbows. We're all one. Sometimes number two is number one or I don't know. We're talking about almost making it to the toilet. I was just thinking of the toilet and that piece of paper. Oh yeah, the ass gasket.

No, no, it would be, I was just thinking of your toilet. Your toilet's a little different. It has that star that you're supposed to shoot out at the carnival with the beak. And there's like all this red. Like you didn't even get close. It was like, I'm sorry. You want to try again?

Can I ask a gender specific question, I think? Dare I enter the gender debate? I've heard that guys are less, that they'll just in public bathrooms, just like not try to hide that they're having diarrhea. Is it gross? First of all, this is one of the major problems is it excludes individuality. The construction that's going on at my house, adding the addition, they have their – one of the bedrooms is set up

as their shop, so they're right next to the thin-walled bathroom that hopefully they're going to make thicker walls out of as they're doing their construction. And I, yeah, I have some loud like, this morning, I love to title

my poops for Bingo. Bingo and I have a poop-related relationship. It's very juvenile. It's an open relationship. I got a text from her at 1.46 a.m. She was over at the Quiet House, and it just said, I just farted. And then I didn't see it until I woke up, and I go, I just got your text. She goes, yeah, but it was so bad that you had to tell someone about it.

It was that bad. Like, we have, it's a poop-centric. And I, shitting next to construction guys, even though they have a bandsaw going, I know I'm- And music, and they're not paying attention to bathroom noises anyway. But yeah, I'm- It's in your head. I'm blowing this fucking bathroom noises anyway. But yeah, I'm... It's in your head. I'm blowing this fucking bathroom to pieces. I said,

I go, the four elements of the earth, earth, wind, fire, and water, that one was mostly wind, but it incorporated all four elements. And then I was going to tweet it, but I forgot by the time

I got back out here. Now I don't have to. Where's the worst place you've ever had diarrhea? Like where's the least convenient spot? I've told this story. This is when I threw up in my underpants in Costa Rica. Is that what you call diarrhea? No, it was coming out both ends.

But prior to that i had the rumbly tumbly thing which is that that's when you say diarrhea and you have it daily or almost daily it's like i think it's daily that's what he said i know but sometimes it's world war one mud i associate those those horrible cramps yeah that heat so i had I had that going on in Costa Rica and we were at the Becker's place and they had not finished the tile. So I was walking in on this uneven floor. And I'm like, oh, and I'm gingerly getting

I gotta get there quick. I get down, pull my pants down and I'm just letting it go. And then all of a sudden, I don't know if I smelled something or what. And then I started to gag. And then I of a sudden, I don't know if I smelled something or what. And then I started to gag. And then I threw up. But their new floor, they were going to lay tile on.

And I didn't want to mess the floor because it was prepped to go. And so I basically held my hand in front of my face to deflect because I knew it was going to go out. Right. But I needed to look down enough. One job, Chaley. I had to deflect with my hands to aim the vomit into my underpants. It was a bank shot. Bank shot.

Called the pocket. Sacks underpants. It's always another. I had the same experience, but in Nicaragua. But it's always when you're three hours from an airport, and that airport is five hours from your house, you're like, oh, boy. Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to keep doing this for a few days. That's what I'm saying when you were talking about, oh, I have to have a friend in an hour proximity. How much warning is your Jewish diarrhea?

I think it's more of a generalized number two friend. I think it's more of like, I got to stop. I have two friends in LA whose houses I've stopped at to poop. Do you tell them that? Oh, yeah. I mean, but these are like friends of like 20 years where I'm like, girl, open your door. She's like, I'm taking a nap. I'm like, unlock your door, get back into bed.

That's the, well, that's kind of the point with. Put some nine inch nails on. I'm going to be a nap. I'm like, unlock your door. Get back into bed. That's the... Well, that's kind of the point with... Put some nine-inch nails on. I'm going to be a minute. Because Jen, that's kind of my house. Well, you bought it. Yeah. But someone else lives there. I've known her for 30 fucking years.

And I wouldn't destroy her bathroom. So I ran 100 yards up to make it to my bathroom court advantage is always nice i i will say the the the the most guilty uh guilt ridden part of the my nicaragua diarrhea she said was uh was that i was in a place with like it had no hot water and no, you couldn't flush anything down the toilet, including toilet paper, nothing, nothing could go down the toilet.

Poop could go down the toilet. Yeah, poop could, but I was so violently ill from all places that things come out of. And on top of feeling horrific and sick and, my god i'm gonna like i'm in rural nicaragua and like you know in a it wasn't it wasn't a city it was like people boiling water you know on their ranches and stuff and uh and then on top of that the guilt that there were basically two women in this little kind of hostile place this was a few years ago

who were like with with complete and empathy, so kind, but they were cleaning up after me in a violent mess of sick. Like that was – that, again, like I think there's a part of your diarrhea experience, Doug, obviously that you can enjoy, but once it becomes a burden to others, it's like it's the most mortifying experience in the world. I enjoy diarrhea and influenza at home or on the road if I don't have an engagement right away.

If I had diarrhea all day before a gig, as long as it was done before showtime. Have you ever had to take a shit on stage? No, because I get so nervous before stage. I tend to go before. I've never made, I've never like, I always go before. I always get terrified before and then have to. I have a nervous, I have a nervous tummy. That's Lynn Shawcroft, same thing.

She has to pee every time before she's going to go out. And it's just, I think it's a psychosomatic. I've like wanted to throw up every time. I just like, it's, I get like psycho. Yeah, it's definitely psychosomatic. It's a physical sort of manifestation of my anxiety. It all comes out and like, oh, I want to just, I want to die. And then they go two minutes and I go, okay.

Like, that's it. Oh, two, two times. Okay. I just, because I remembered one when i ask you has this ever happened you know that means i have a story in the chamber yeah so to speak but yeah tjs in mankato minnesota was a legendary back in the 90s one-nighter where they just get you fucked up and i i remember one time where i had to shit wait were you headlining or is this a yeah i was headlining and uh that's not a big deal at tj's

in mankato i know but it's it's for the listener it's not he was featuring on stage he was headlining the bathroom well that's the problem i'm gonna go long get off stage could someone please not do it do what i'm doing in there before i do it my my closer sounded like the uh disclaimer at the end of a fucking uh medicine commercial not available on all stages. So I'm speeding through my closer, and I run directly offstage to the bathroom in a sports bar. It's not a theater.

This is a sports bar. No green room. Everyone sees where you're going, and I go in to violently shit, and I'm running to get ahead of all the people that go to the bathroom at the end of the show. Right. But then people are going to talk to you, and I'm sitting to get ahead of all the people that go to the bathroom at the end of the show. Right. But then people are going to talk to you

and I'm sitting there violently shitting as people are talking to me through the door. And I fucking bet you did about that. But the other time was Aberdeen. I'm sure I've mentioned this. You should have been like, yeah, leave me alone. I'm making merch.

Do you have it? Aberdeen, Scotland was the one that I've talked about where I ate some Marks and Spencer fucking grocery store salmon sashimi that day. And I had to stop the show in the middle to go violently diarrhea. I've always wondered that about leaving in the middle of people do that. But wait over there in, in the UK, they generally do an intermission during the show because they don't have table service.

So they want people to drink and Brian, no, we don't do that. He does his show and that's it. And I go, Oh, it worked out perfectly. People thought I was kidding because they're used to an intermission right around that point. Oh, nice. And I'm plowing.

I had to run upstairs and through security people. Like, no. Made it. Didn't splatter the wall and the bowl like I did at home during the auto show. I remember one. I want to say Winter Circle in Florida. Oh, I remember that place. I can't remember if that's the place,

but it was a place like that, like a sports bar type of place. But it was, I think it was before the show, you said, Shaylee, come in there. I've got to take a dump, but I don't want to be bothered. And I'm like, what's going to bother you?

And immediately someone sees you go in there, and then I'm peeing because I'm going to at least take a leak. And you're in there, and it's just one – I'm at the one urinal, and right next to me is the stall that you're at, and you're taking a dump, and a guy comes in and starts, like, leaning down, talking to you while you're doing it. Leaning down? So, like, you could talk underneath the thing. It's like, hey, guy, now's not the time. Like, this somehow seems appropriate.

Like, this is the story you're going to tell? And you're not, it's not a comfortable, like, let me get this out of the way. But it's like, I got to do this now or there's going to be a problem on stage. And this guy was like, just biggest fan, hey. And it's like, you're not going to ask for autographs. There was one time at Jukebox in Peoria that I remember because the line to the second show goes right past the men's room, and I've held it as long as I could, and I'd do it in a wastebasket if it was a number one,

but it's a number two. So I had to cut through the line, and of course people come in like they have to piss. Ooh, Hollywood. What are you doing after the show, Stan Hope? I'm taking a shit, but that doing after the show stay on hope i'm taking a shit but that was before the show so i got to at least mock the person who oh yeah right off engaged me in conversation through a fucking toilet stall wall get a great bar if you want to go after just i'm fucking taking a shit

does the bar have a private bathroom for one? I love a bathroom in a restaurant where the door there's no even space. Do you know what I mean? Like a floor to ceiling door. Delta Sky Club. Delta Sky Club. Shout out to Delta.

Fuck stalls or cocaine stalls or privacy. Here's two things you'll agree with. First of all, you see them far too randomly is occupied or vacant on a toilet stall. Everyone should have that. Because you don't want to be looking under the thing to see if there's feet. You're not going to take a shit. I don't want to

how fucking cheaper you can't get one of the things that says occupied or vacant i got a pitch uh but hang on the second one okay well let me i'll do the second one then i'll go back to toilets because we're gonna stay on you might as well the other thing that you will fucking topic i had a thing about no i'll get to get to you. I'm saying, I'm memorizing. Just put a pin in it. We'll get to it. It's fine. A lot of poop to go around.

I'm coming back to you. You should learn this skill. It's just about the door sign. All right, go ahead. The other one that's off topic, but I want to say, because I said I have two. Do not disturb signs on your hotel that anytime you open it from the inside, it flies off. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Like every fucking hotel CEO. How much do they spend? You have to fucking do that. Because we're smokers. Morgan and I go out to smoke. So you open your door to go out to smoke, and the fucking flimsy do not disturb flies off the flimsy fucking handle, and you have to bend down and pick it up.

And I don't think you're a lot different than me. You don't like bending down all the way to the floor unless a man's commanding you to. Yeah. You know why the door. Let's get back to diary. But the door handles are like that. It's like a bar across because of Disability Act. People can't grab a doorknob.

But they do not disturb signs. The good ones have that slip in the wall. But they've gone out of their way to make a doorknob that everyone can use, but they haven't rethought the fucking do not disturb sign that they pay money for every year to print those fucking things. Although some places have lights. Some places have like built-ins. Or a magnet. A built-in sign magnet. I like that.

We steal those all the time. More often than not, they're the ones that fucking fly off. Chaley always brings day-glow duct tape and just... Gaff tape. How dare you. Day-glow duct tape. You only have one job, so of course you know all the nomenclature.

You're like the person at Football Sunday that's like, who's the thrower? It's called a quarterback, Doug. Duct tape leaves residue. Gaff tape is what a gentleman uses because it's a lower tack. And if you pull it off. Doug leaves residue. All the time.

I think that the sign should say, this is where I was going. We're going back to diarrhea. I think the sign should say, as opposed to vacant, as opposed to occupied, I think there should be options. I'll be a minute. I've got a problem. You know what I mean? That time. Maybe there's a switch that says, your guess is as good as mine.

You know what I mean? Come on, man. Can't you smell that? I think people know going in, I'm going to be quick or I'm not going to be quick. Diarrhea. And I think there should be options. Seconds away. But also, like, there's people who got to, like, change my baby, change my colostomy

back. There's a lot of time. Time. No, there's a lot of. That's an issue. I got to change my. Yes an issue i gotta change my yes i gotta change there's stuff that happens in bathrooms that takes time that's not just diarrhea sure and i think that there should be a little way of warning people hey there's things going on in here you might want

to go to the middle of the plane jerking off if you're a senator sorry that's an old reference um that's just my opinion. I'm just trying to make the world better, though. Who am I? That's all we do. Let's break for a commercial that we may or may not have. I probably would have broke earlier and just kind of put her in at that point. Stan Hope, leave a message.

Hey, Doug and Shaylee. I was going to have you cut a spot for your tour dates coming up while I was gone, and I totally blew it. You know, there's still tickets for Go Bananas in Cincinnati, April 25th. And then you got all those California dates, May 6th through the 15th. Ontario, Irvine, San Jose, Oxnard, Brea. I see Hennegan posted Minneapolis,

House of Comedy on the 20th. Still have tickets. Maybe we can do something over the phone so you can promote going to DougStanhope.com to get on the mailing list so we can remind people this is the best way to get tickets. I'll try calling you back later. Bye. Take it easy. Bye. And now we're back.

Diarrhea is not off the menu of this podcast. It is interesting. I always think I have issues with bathroom stuff because I grew up, it was just me and my mom in my house. And I always felt like, oh, if you grew up in a house with eight people and one or two bathrooms, I guess that this all becomes natural. But everyone seems to have a bit of a shyness around the old duty factor. We had a Catholic family, so there's already shame built in. Four kids, two adults, two bathrooms, one for the parents yeah and odd i just realized this the house i grew up in uh it was one of those 70s homes where the shower was on one side and the vanity and then on another side of

the wall was the vanity and then the shitter, but no door. I just now realized my parents had a bathroom with no door for 45 years. Wow. That's love. That's the key to a long marriage. I guess so. Or that's just how we grew up. They also used the N-word frequently.

No, they didn't. It is actually, part of it is we're sharing a place with just one person because you know who the person was who made it. Like, my mom, God bless her soul, she's alive. My mom would, like, my mom also, this is so funny. No one fucking cares about this, but it's kind of funny. So my mom has, like, an issue with, like, not being able to, she's like, I got to hire, she's got, there's a three second window. You know what I mean?

Like that's, it's not going to, you can't hold it in. The problem is she blames me. And I'll tell you why. I don't, she blames me for everything, first of all. So it's not like a big issue, except this is the only one where she's kind of medically right, which is that I damaged her in birth. Oh. I ripped her open. And so she never regained the muscle strength.

Did she do her kegels? In the area that controls holding stuff in. Yeah. So, I mean, we would be at like a Tarjay, or probably a TJ Maxx, and she'd be walking to the car, and she would declare what she had to do, and have no problem going,

and it's your fault. Like, I was, it's like, you know, Gump blaming a bad steak. I'm the bad steak. I was going to ask you about that Gump blaming a bad steak. I'm the bad steak. I was going to ask you about that. Because she made you. Because she said, you ripped me. So it's her fault.

And it's... Yeah, it's my dad's fault. She made you. It's my dad's fault. If she didn't want to have uncontrolled with diarrhea, she should have never had a kid. You knew the risks, Mom. Yeah, back then it was the dad's actual choice, probably, if you have an abortion or not. You brought up Gump because I was going to ask you.

Yeah. Living with Gump, when you were here in Bisbee at your writer's retreat. Sharing a bathroom with Gump? Well, if you have a loud bowel movement, like a caustically loud, are you comfortable enough with Gump? Well, if you have a loud bowel movement, like a caustically loud, are you comfortable enough with Gump? Because he, I think we both view him as an underling, obviously.

There's definitely like a part of that house where I go like this. It's kind of like you're a spectator. Let's go through people we know. Yeah. Would you feel comfortable in a Motel 6 bathroom having the loudest, violent, cacophony-sounding shit? Well, first of all-

The funniest ones. Most of my friends wouldn't go to that motel with me. We're going to go through people that our listeners know. Tell me name and I'll tell you if I'll let them hear me shit. Well, Gump was the first one. I mean, I guess I would avoid it. Would you think twice? Yes.

With Gump? Yes. I would not. I'd run a sink. I'd run a sink. I'd run a shower. Basic decorum would have you run a sink or turn the fan on. Well, I would do that for any lady. I'm not a bragger.

And I'd do that for, but I love, Chaley is, again, he's got a sensitive. So yeah, I love making loud shits. I'll keep the door open in front of Chaley. I find it easier with girls. Just for him to go, what the fuck? Come on, Jesus. The best was when you got me for the first time. You got me for the first time, and it makes me laugh every time now when you try and do it,

is when we were at a hotel somewhere that it was definitely an early morning. Just you probably after breakfast and then you have to go right to the bathroom and you just unloaded. And then you came out fucking poker face. It goes, who would leave a nickel in the toilet? And I'm like, are you serious? It's like, who would fucking do that? And I go right in there and it's like i kept the the my momentum kept me to go into the bowl even though that smell had hit me

it's like this ain't right and i get down there and he hadn't flushed and so now i'm staring into a bowl looking for a nickel looking for the fucking nickel. Oh, fuck. I dropped what I think probably amounted to a, what's a month-long subway card? Like a month-long. I dropped a month-long card for the tube in London into a toilet. I believe at the stand. I want to say somewhere in London. I dropped it.

Sorry, I don't know. I don't know if you're thinking what I thought you were saying that you dropped. I thought you were talking about a poop. A month's worth of Subway sandwiches. I apologize. I apologize for misrepresenting what I meant to say, which is that I dropped a month long subway card into a toilet.

I started to say this. Brennan Walsh had that bit about Anna Nicole Smith taking so many downers that when she can finally shit, it's like a hoagie size food baby. That's what I was thinking of when you were saying that. So you dropped an actual 10 sandwich cart. You dropped something into the toilet. I dropped a cart into the toilet that was worth a significant amount of money. And all I could think of was every person who had ever shit in it.

That was the first thought in my mind was like, this is covered with the shits. This is just not just shits. This is like tequila and beer shits from this club from forever and I let it go. I let it go. I let like $130 go because I couldn't reach my hand into a fucking public diarrhea toilet. But there was

no diarrhea in it. I bet there were traces. It wasn't like the one I sent him into with the unflushed diary. I used to get... This will be good to come out. This is what you should play at my funeral, this one.

I do have a question for both of you. I'm not playing the game. You go, but this relates to that. What's your question? No, no, go ahead. I also want to get back to the game. Would you shoot in front of Kenny? Yeah, I would, actually. Kenny probably more

than gum. I, uh, I this is actually not funny at all, but I had, because I had such horrific anxiety as a kid, I would, they thought I had, like, Crohn's, because I would just,

I would just, all my anxiety That might be what Crohn's is. No, but all of my anxiety would sort of accumulate in my stomach and reflect that. Nervous tummy. Nervous tummy, except that I would be, you know, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 to 17, basically, and not realizing, oh, I'm having a panic attack. I'm having a panic attack. Count the rings. Pedophile joke.

I'm not sick in my stomach I'm literally having a panic attack and have to leave a thing and I think that I'm it's an interesting physical psychological line drawn between the two because you know

I was afraid to go places I'm glad you took an analytical viewpoint of diarrhea because Neil deGrasse Tyson is coming in to talk about diarrhea himself right now. We're going to have to break soon because we have to clear the set. Going back to the second part of the story where you dropped a card that was worth money into the toilet and you let it go. I pose this both to you.

If you dropped a toothbrush in your home toilet, not electric, and you don't have another toothbrush. Bye-bye. Gone. Gone. Electric, you know, $100 toothbrush, I'm saving. I'm bleaching that shit. Well, you can just bust off the top. Yeah, but there's more that's going to go on

because I'm going to Google things. I'm going to Google what other people did. I'm going to Google people crazier than me and see what they did than do that. Doug, home toilet? My home toilet? Yeah. Or someone's home toilet?

Because my home toilet is grotesque all the time. Well, there's another part to this question. I wouldn't... I brush my teeth several times a day home toilet is grotesque all the time. Well, there's another part to this question. I wouldn't... I brush my teeth several times a day because I smoke and I drink one Bailey's coffee and your

teeth are curded with fucking Olympic National Forest moss. That green shit that grows on the bark. I love that you said Olympic. Yeah, that's where they have the green trees. The bark the bark. I love that you said Olympic. Yeah, that's where they have the green trees. Your pro. The bark is green.

So would you? You know what I learned from listening to Olivia Grace that actually started, we had no idea where we were going with this podcast, and diarrhea and Olivia Grace came up, and she had a bit. I'm not going to do the bit. I don't know if it's on a special yet, but she was talking about.

Are you going to do-do the bit? Doug, this is why I'm here. She talked about getting crunched into the back of a cop car because you mooned a bakery. And I go, that joke, you have to hear it in context, but I go, that joke isn't funny without the obscurity of bakery. You mooned a bakery, which I assume comes from a real place in her life. Maybe not the cop, but the mooning a bakery. And yeah, then I was listening to some of my old bits or my new bits I have to do on the next special

I gotta fucking be aware of making the attention to detail of making okay I can make this funnier by putting bakery I'm not stealing bakery my next special is not called

bakery but yeah I was thinking I'm not stealing bakery. My next special is not called bakery. But yeah, I was thinking that when I said Olympic National Forest. All right. So if you dropped a toothbrush in your toilet. If I needed to brush my teeth, I would brush my teeth. You were going to brush your teeth and you fumbled it. I'm a man of a substantial amount of Bisbee wealth where I have four spare toothbrushes. But in theory, if I needed to brush my teeth, I would absolutely brush my teeth with that.

And I would sanitize it by running it under vaguely warm water first. That's what I would do. It's not about the temperature. It's about the friction. It's about the friction. It's about getting friction. It's about washing your hands. You didn't clean your toilet with a toothbrush as you pulled it out. Washing your hands, for example,

it's not so much about hot water. It's about friction with the soap. It's not about warm water or temperature water. No one said anything about soap. I'm going to run it under warm water that's dry and flick it like you do after you brush your teeth normally. I assume everyone rinses it out and flicks the brushes. Yeah, I would flick the bristles.

All right. I have a toothbrush. This is a lady thing, but I have a spare toothbrush occasionally for my eyebrows. To scrub your eyebrows? To brush my eyebrows. What does this have to do with diarrhea? We're having a serious conversation. Your what does this have to do with diarrhea we're having a serious your thing didn't have to do with diarrhea you started the tension off of diarrhea that's where the fucking toothbrush fell i'll get back i'll get back into diarrhea do you know you remember

olivia grace's jokes yeah do you remember nick swartzen's uh diarrhea joke supposed to be the quiet podcast nick swartzen had a uh i call it a great diarrhea joke because i laughed out loud at it about 50 times before i was uh 24 uh where you get up on stage and you go uh oh yeah um do you remember this joke my cat has i only know one nick swartzen oh my god he was probably in his 20s he said my cat's got a diarrhea and i uh took it to the vet and i was like my cat's got diarrhea. And I took it to the vet. I was like, my cat's got diarrhea. My vet was like, oh, my God, what has he been eating? And I was like, diarrhea?

That's very funny. That's a good joke. I like Nick Swartzen. I love Nick. Nick Swartzen is not only funny, but I now find myself, and maybe this is an old thing, to uh my first thought with comedians is and you know uh especially when they when they uh quote on when they when they pass away they've been passing away wait i always no no no but my favorite thing with comedians and reflecting on

comedians is now realizing is going oh my god they were so nice and that's how i feel about nick where i go nick's so funny but nick is also an example of somebody. Since I was 19 years old, he's just been so nice that I feel like I don't deserve it. I met Nick in the mid-90s in Minneapolis when he was too young to drink, but he'd come to the club and hang out at the bar. And then we ran into him once in Madison or Milwaukee. He was doing a show across town. Yeah, I was in Wisconsin somewhere. Yeah, we went and drank, but we were already both drunk. But the only time I hear from Nick Swardson is because he's a drinker.

So he'll ask me, like, hey, you drink. How does this affect you? Like swapping drunkard stories because there's very few of us left. Diarrhea. And I always love to hear from Nick Swartzen. The best. The joke. A delight. I try to bait you. I go,

I only know one Nick Swartzen joke and you're supposed to say, well, which one? Because it's a baiting question, but you don't get baited easily. I don't get baited and I understand when you want to talk about you and you can just do it. You don't need me to set it up. I don't get baited easily. I don't get baited, and I understand when you want to talk about you, and you can just do it. You don't need me to set it up.

I don't know. I think there's a chemistry between you two that you would pick up on that. It's the kind of chemistry where, like, you combine two chemicals and the fucking classroom blows up. No, no, it's a chemistry like Sam and Diane where they finally replaced her with Kirstie Alley. Sam and Diane, where they finally replaced her with Kirstie Alley. Sam and diarrhea. Speaking of diarrhea.

Oh, no. The Nick Swartzen. I don't even remember his joke. Oh, good. But she didn't ask you. It was because it was the most random note in my notebook and it was when i was going to run for president and i i think before i took it seriously but i thought it would be funny to do in 2004 2008 when it wasn't plausible that you could actually win no shit like i could maybe win

i think i'm a nice person and i think i have – this is not a part of the podcast, but I was thinking about this politically. I know. I'm cutting it off. I think that my – I mean, whatever. But I think that my skill set beyond being able to talk eloquently about diarrhea is that I think I'm a good middle ground between all the people. ground between all the people. I think I'm tolerant of differing views,

but I think I understand what's right, and I feel like I'd be a good president because people would be like, what about this? And I'd be like, I get where you're coming from, but no. And people would be like, what about this? I'd go, I don't get it, but yeah. I'd fucking figure it out. Yeah, I had that same

kind of tact. But I would so get pre-debate diarrhea. I wouldn't survive. I'm not forgetting. The joke? In daily life with you, when I try to have a discourse and then I start a sentence and then you shut it down with a new idea. and then I start a sentence and then you shut it down with a new idea. Nick Swartzen, I had in my notes just as a joke anyway,

and I go, this is actually a funny thing for a fake campaign, is replace all public transportation with roller coasters so people actually enjoy going to work. And then I saw him,. I'd never tried it. I wrote it down. And then I saw him. I lived in LA at the time. And he did a bit about this. I'm like, how fucking random is that for a premise?

I'm like, God damn it. I can never do this. Fuck you, Nick Swartzen. It's a perfect joke. It's a perfect stupid thing that a smart person thinks of that's what it is it's like a best example of like a stupid thing that's thought of by a smart person yeah and it would would have been a perfect campaign platform for a joke campaign for president but uh as you say getting back to diarrhea, the president.

He has diarrhea for sure, right? Like that's all he eats is like diarrhea, diarrhea triggering foods. Big Mac every day. Yeah. But yeah, that's clogging. That's why he's a fat fuck. I'm going back to you being president. Yeah. I think everyone is going to run for president in 2020 because he set the bar of, oh, when you tell your kid you could be president one day, now the kid believes you.

Because like, yeah, I guess I could. Or the kid's like, you calling me stupid? AYSO soccer. I'm going to be a little bit more than, thank you. I think I'm not going to settle for president now that. In the aristocrats book. Why would I be president when I can sell insurance? I don't know.

That was a movie idea I had a million years ago when I did hallucinogens and I had more ideas was like in a futuristic movie where like Andy will run in Eugene, Oregon. Andy Andrist. He'll run for like dog catcher or minister of sewers or whatever. Minister of sewers? It's actually a William Burroughs thing. That's actually a William Burroughs thing. But yeah, he'll find the lowest position in the fucking Eugene City elections,

and he'll run for it or write himself in. But the idea of in the future where the president is that guy, and John Cusack, I always pictured John Cusack being the guy. Like, are you the president of the United States? Yeah, I guess. Like, it's some side title where, like, government is so little involved, but for some reason

now we need the President of the United States back where it's never been an issue. I was just thinking of all the presidents now now i can't think about the the bathroom off the oval office without thinking of every president who's had diarrhea in it and drinking champagne when they're not really drinking the fucking uh well you know there was a lot of a lot of years where there was a president and then we earlier we're talking about

uh the juleips with, uh, Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, right. It's an audible book that I was, I bet you could read that book or listen to it. Listen to the book on audible. Yes.

And I think that you could, uh, decide based on the ingredients in every president's cocktail list, which president was more likely to have diarrhea based on ingredients solely yeah uh we used to do that uh the bit about who would you rather day drink with who would you rather try to keep up with winston churchill or charl uh christopher hitchens because i don't know anything about their drinking habits. Drinking habits. They drank all day. Trays. You could even put

Hunter S. into this. Because Churchill visited... Which day drink would give you more diarrhea? Drinking with Hitchens or Churchill?

Churchill started Twitter. Doug Stanhope at Greg Jaley at Morgan Murphy. Churchill started every day with sherry. He woke up in the morning and had some sherry. And then he had whiskey sodas. And then

later in the afternoon, he always had French champagne. And he always smoked cigars. So that is a cocktail right there, just to keep up with that. Well, that's a cocktail for diarrhea. Doug, you were talking about earlier. That first cigar, you go, oh, I got to go. But you do a couple pops of sherry, and then go brush your teeth.

And then you're going to want to drink more, right? You're not going to want to go do anything, right? I know motivated drinkers. Drinking motivates me to drink more for a podcast. That's why we try to wait until cocktail hour. I mean, there's plenty of booze here. This is a bar that doesn't charge. You can always come in here and pop a beer if you wanted to.

But you do that at 2 o'clock. You're doing that at 3 o'clock and 4 o'clock and 5 o'clock. But yeah, I think Winston Churchill would be tough. Churchill didn't have Xanax to go, alright. He was allowed to be drunk because he didn't have cell phones back then. It wasn't like it was going to be like 10 o'clock and he was going to

text. Well, he also wasn't prime minister at the time. Right. But he also wasn't going to text some time right but he's not he's he also wasn't gonna you know text some foreign leader and go like jk i love you you know what i mean like i feel like you could get drunk back then and he had to perform with confidence which is why i drink on stage when i'm so bored with my material that i i can sell it if I start drinking now. I can't drink that much before stage. I get, I find myself... Having diarrhea?

No, I find myself hearing slurs in my words that maybe aren't evident to other people, but they're evident to me. Like a little bit of a lag. And that kind of twists in your head a little confidence? Yeah, just a little bit like whoa i'm

not where i'm supposed to be or whoa that that that that uh that that that that that punch line took a little longer to get to than usual that kind of thing then i then i can't i can't quite figure you're good at it though it's some people that's the thing with all this uh shit so to speak is that like you can't be like everybody You got to figure out your own limitations. And if I drink like Doug and went on stage, I'd be a fucking wreck. If Doug drinks like Doug on stage, he'd be fucking great. Oh, no, if I smoked any of your weed. Yeah, you'd be a wreck. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be a fucking embarrassment. Yeah. I've been an embarrassment doing edibles here by myself, to myself. Because I've been toying with the edibles. Well, maybe I just take them to sleep. Because when I met you, you were so anti-pot. Well, I'm still –

I'm not anti-pot. I take umbrage with that because it's not – it makes it sound like he's – It doesn't work for me. No, you – By anti, I actually mean more than anti. Actually, I'm going to double down on it because a lot of people are anti pot in that they say, I don't like pot. There's the Malcolm Gladwell recent sort of op-ed, so to speak, that it's like, oh, I don't like pot. It's not good.

You're almost worse in that you're saying, oh, no, no, no, pot's drinking so much better than pot. That was your agenda when I started. What? Yes. You said that. You never said that. You have. You have always said, oh, pot makes you fucking, you're not good at talking.

You're not good socially. No, but you've criticized pot generally to me as I'd rather basically talk to, hang out with, be around people who are drinking than people who are smoking pot. She's right. Thank you. Bye. Only because of the last thing you said are smoking pot. She's right. Thank you. Bye. Only because of the last thing you said. No, but that's what I'm saying.

That's a generalized. To be around those people. Hang on. And I have criticized the decade of football we've done here. It used to be a drinker's thing where we were all drunks and Brad, Brad still gets drunk, but neighbor Dave, they all became potheads.

And then they're just this silent fixture of giggling or not giggling or just they're gone. They're not there. Where a drinker is during football. Yeah. You're talking shit about the game. You're into it. Then it turned into a pothead thing. Yeah, but I don't.

So I remember that, and I'm sure I've said that. Yeah, I'm not comfortable around potheads. I don't criticize marijuana or people who use it. I am a drunk, so I prefer to be around drunks, where potheads make me feel paranoid because it seems like the same way when I do the pot, I feel paranoid, like they're goofing on me. What I think you have to realize is that, like, worst case scenario, problem drinkers are going to be a real problem. Worst case scenario, problem pot smokers are simply going to bother you and not anybody else because it's your perspective. to bother you and not anybody else because it's your perspective. So I think that when you weigh the worst of both substances, the worst of people who drink too much is far worse than the worst of people who smoke too much pot. I've never argued that.

Right. I'm just saying I'm obviously comfortable around other drunks where I'm not comfortable around high people because I'm not high. You're comfortable around me, sort of. I smoke pot. Yeah, but you're one of those. You're not an extreme. You're not an extreme.

You're not the person you're talking about. You're one of these people that has done it long enough where I'm a drunk that's done it long enough where I can be, I mean, as recently as today, oh, you said you were on a bender when I talked to you? You sounded anything but that. And I said, that's the problem with being an accomplished drunk is you can't use that as an excuse anymore. Oh, I was drunk when I said that. Well, you sounded sober.

So they think you – That's what you should declare as an AA meeting, where people go around and go, my name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic. My name is Aaron. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Ricardo. I'm an alcoholic. And then Doug should go, my name is Doug. I'm an accomplished drunk. Why did you... AA is anonymous. You just named three names.

I did a hypothetical AA. He's going to lose his job. She changed the names before she said it. I said Aaron. I said said it. I said Aaron. I said another name. I said Steve. Is it Aaron with two A's as a guy or Aaron with an E? I think it's two A's with a guy.

You know what you meant. Steve is actually Stefan, so you're clear on that one. I think being drunk and being a bad drunk sometimes, I can deal with other people who are drunk, whereas if I'm talking to someone who's just high that's that's hard for me to to deal with because then i start circling back on myself well the problem i can deal with someone who's drunk yeah the common denominator the problem of any of this is very clearly any single human being who can't control their shit. It's not about,

it's about your ability to do what you do with some modicum of self-awareness. And I feel like what I get mad at is not anyone who drinks to excess, not anyone who smokes to excess. It's people who don't realize that they're changing when they do it. And people who don't realize that they're becoming a person that's less likable when they do it that's the problem like doug you're you're you're nicer when you drink i was going somewhere and i forgot no no doug's nicer when he drinks no he's not oh yes he is sober morning early no you leave i might leave early but i wake up early in a hotel room looking at him across the other bed going like, oh boy, this is a guy who's going to spend two hours calling customer service and screaming because he doesn't have a cocktail yet. She's right about that.

She's right about that, but I'm also right in that once he starts to really get drunk, he starts telling the truth and it gets brutal. No, I said the other night, I said, I'll never tell Doug another secret again because Doug will tell Doug. That's why I can't believe what you're saying. What do you mean? No, but he's nicer as a human being usually when he's drunk. Then the morning. Okay.

I'm going to say this. Then the morning. There's a 60% period he's drunk where he's nice. There's a 30% period where he's sober, where he's grumpy. And there's a 10% period where he's drunk and he's awful. I'm not good at math. So it's 60% nice, right? 60% nice.

Yeah, right now it's perfect. 30% grumpy and sober and 10% drunk and mean. You know what I mean? So it's mostly good and drunk. No, no, morning and late night. We had a thing on tour, Bingo and I, where we would just stay out of your fucking her we would stay out of his we didn't know we were doing this but we we've discovered this after a while we would stay

out of his way until someone else from the hotel or someone that was in the way would get his vitriol in the morning so it was not us. Because it was just getting rid of the venom. Yeah, it was like, hey, you want to walk down to breakfast with me? No, I'll walk down to breakfast 15 minutes after you get there when everything's cooled down. When someone's not going to spit in my eggs because Doug was like, what is this sausage? Tabasco? What the this sausage? Tabasco?

What the fuck? Fuck Tabasco. Fuck Tabasco. Why are there other people here in a jar in fucking restaurants? I hate Tabasco. It's the worst. But I also hate anything spicy and hot and I can't handle it. Yeah.

I'm sensitive. I brought some chalero back from Costa Rica. I saw that. You're not supposed to bring that stuff back. I was really surprised at how coming through customs this time, there was nothing. There was no like double checking. Government shutdown, baby.

I don't know if that's it. That's fresh fruit and shit. That's not a jarred thing. No, they've taken our lasagna away. A salsa. Yeah, they've taken the bottles of that away. Carry-on because it's liquid? Yeah, I don't know.

No, it was when we were coming back through U.S. Customs. All right. It was pretty quick. Every time I watched Locked Up Abroad, which by that I mean every other night. Talk about diarrhea. I think about the time, again, Nicaragua, where I arrived in Nicaragua. I was emptying my backpack and found. Is that what they call it?

Yeah, emptying my backpack into the toilet. And I found a cart, a vape cart, a marijuana vape cartridge with wax in it. And I was like, oh, that was it. I would have been locked up abroad. I would have been abroad, locked up abroad in a Nicaraguan prison. I think I would have gotten like 15 minutes out of it. I think I would have gotten some bits out of that. Worth it.

Should I have fucking, should I just have handed it to them and said, put me in prison? I listened to my last LA set, and I was saying that about fucking Bangkok when I bailed out of the Bangkok gig, but then bailed back in. At a cost of 15 grand. I was sitting on a plane, anger drinking after I canceled the gig, which I'd never done in 28 years, going, fuck it, I could do time in a Bangkok prison. I'd get so much material out of it. So yes, I understand. Sometimes I just take a left instead of a right

because I'm like, maybe there's material down this road. You know what I mean? You got to make it a little harder for yourself. It's a really good point to bring up now is that the whole don't travel with drugs is because you'd never know you squirrel something away the vape cartridge i was in guam and we were going i was uh taking a little weekend trip to uh the marianas trench islands there's a little little island next door it's not america

and i remember as i'm standing there as the beagle is going to everyone's bag i'm in another country it's just a quick little puddle jumper and i'm thinking did the bass player give me the joint to hold or did we smoke it and i'm i'm fucking freaking out going like and later on when d Doug and I got together years later, when the don't travel with drugs, that's it. Never have anything on you when you're moving because you never know where you're going to be or what's going to happen like that. Well, that fucking Canada story.

I still don't know if the Papa Vodka Presents is a place you can buy it online because that's the only place other than VHS, which was a silly thing. It was a joke. They're selling. But, yeah. They're signed copies, by the way. Go to DougStanhope.com slash store. I don't know.

This is going way off in the future. I think he put it out as bits. I think the VHS only has the title 20 minutes on it. It has 20 minutes, yeah. It's what we call exclusive in the business, Doug. When we got fucked in Canada, Bingo and I, and there's traces of cocaine in your bag. That fucking bit, that's a true story. And when I went to Southeast Asia, I bought a brand new backpack online in a fucking plastic bag

because God knows what I've had in my bag that they can swab and trace and go, Oh, you're in fucking Bangkok prison or Shanghai, Changwang, Ding Dong fucking prison. I don't know what I who used my backpack that's like a common refrain well my friend used my backpack yeah my friends all use my fucking

shit cause they don't have their own shit even more than that it's like who buys new luggage we buy fucking shit just to take to the on the road cause we throw it in the fucking plane and we go and then we leave it behind. But if we get to Canada and they're

like, hey, there's something in your bag. It's like, what? So? Do I need a receipt? Do I need a receipt from the value village to show you that I bought this? Yeah, no shit. Fucking thrift storing. We've found so much

never drugs, but yeah, you buy a thrift store fucking beautiful plaid vintage jacket and then you find people's fucking luggage tags and shit. Notes

and letters. It's just, yeah. How do you know? We buy 70s jackets. It was the cocaine heyday. What am I going to test positive for? Studio 54, fucking pre-herpes, fucking sex. Yeah, it's going to test positive for a lot of things body odor and bad

decisions oh shit i gotta write that down that's not on any uh a uh listeners correct me if i'm wrong but that whole uh how bad fucking had to smell in the 70s i don't think that's recorded and that i i want to put that. I always remember that bit. It's how bad it probably smells now based on style and hygiene choices that people are now growing the long beards and the armpit hair and the not using deodorant. It's probably as bad now. Oh, you're talking about ladies.

I'm talking about everybody. The long beards, I said. I know. That was the joke. And then you made the joke about the ladies as if the ladies had the beard. And I get it. We're moving on. There was a guy on that tour where you were doing that.

And he, during your set, he drew a little cartoon of you on stage saying that. And he did a little cartoon of you wearing the suit and everything. And that's in our bathroom framed on the wall. And I always remember that bit. I can't believe you didn't put that out. I remember a bit. And this was late 90s because it was when the internet was first out where someone drew a cartoon of something I did at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis. of something I did at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.

And he drew like a six frame cartoon of this lady heckled me and I said something back and then she threw a tampon at me out of her purse. Oh, yeah. Then I put the tampon on it. Oh, I didn't know you were going to say purse. No, no, no. It was my purse. If you don't get ahead of yourself. Then I pulled down my pants and shoved it up my ass,

and then I pulled it out and put it in my mouth and chugged my beer until it swelled up and threw it back at her. And he had this, and I'll never be able to find that again. He emailed it to me back when I was, I'm not even going to say the name because I use it for other things, but an old, I get shut off of hotmail back in the day for threatening, brutally threatening, I'll fucking kill your kids kind of shit. Oh, wow. Oh, you can't do that?

Sorry. I think you're good. I think you're in a good place that you're essentially complaining that there's missing evidence against you. Like, that's what you're complaining about. I think you're good. Let it go. This is a bit on the CD that I'm ready to record any day now. But, yeah.

You're the only person digging for your own dirt is what I'm trying to say there are people who are like hey man I'll give you five million dollars to not put that out and Doug's like can I have that I'll put that out myself the last legs of that tour I was changing up

every night me too stories about me that are way better than you pulled your dick out in front of someone. You would have to... Like every night, because I go, which one is the best one for the new special? I get the one. I cannot wait to not be able to be your

friend after your special. Let's do this, because we're going to wrap up. What's going on? I don't know. What are your plans for 2019? I don't have plans. I'm just enjoying myself.

You're going through notebooks and stuff? Well, this is an evergreen podcast, so I don't have any plans right now other than what you've seen on Twitter or my social media. Because who knows what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm going to try to be a better friend to Morgan Murphy. I'm going to try to let her listen more and interact better. You were great tonight on the podcast. Thank you. I love you.

I'm going to try to be a better friend to you, Doug, and I'm going to try to wait 15 to 30 minutes until you get to the part of your story that you want to before interrupting you. Every time I complain about you... From 60% Doug to 30% Doug!

Every time I complain about you, I go, I think I'd do the same thing. Yeah. But mostly I want Chaley to be a happier person and work less. I think I'm trying to. That's what I want to be. Why don't you want me to be that?

Why do you want that for Chaley and not for me? Because he sees me every day. Because we don't need to work hard here. You see this fucking devastated spot of land we've turned into a fucking oasis? Yeah, we don't have to work hard, but he still chooses to. Well, there's things I have to do and there's things I want to do. And sometimes the things I want to do seem like they're things I have to do. I love getting shit done.

I don't get people who don't like to get shit done. I fucking love it. It makes me feel so good at the end of the day to get my stuff done. I love getting things done. I do. get shit done i fucking love it it makes me feel so good at the end of the day to get my stuff i love getting things done i do but honestly uh being able to take the vacation that we did this year was was great because i was excited for you guys i wasn't invited but i was excited for you guys you know it's one of those things where uh uh uh membership has its rewards right we're we're full-time here in business yeah no i get it i I get it. And frankly, honestly, I don't know. I think there's a bit of an honor to being accepted rather than loved.

I feel like if I got too close that it could all go away. You know what I mean? Oh, the hammer comes down. We had a podcast with some friends of ours that were in a band that we never aired just went sideways but you can say the rolling stones yeah it was the rolling stones and uh we we asked them like because bands always if they get to a level there's always some shithead who fucks it up and it breaks up everything and we were talking about the fact that me and Bingo and Hannigan and Tracy and Chaley have been doing this for fucking well over a decade, 15 years.

And there's never been a rift at all. Yeah, but fucking Chaleyacy and hennigan aren't saying like hey i want credit on your joke like i mean that shit hat bands break up because chaley could be doing that even chad shank you know one time chad shank had a beef a couple times i've been rude to chaley and he walked off the podcast but yeah it's a split second thing there's no one that's saying I should manage better people. That's pressure relief. That's steam escaping.

That's not. There's nothing. There's never been any kind of like, oh, I guess Chaley's not going to be our manager anymore. Hennigan's leaving the roost. Our fucking wives are fucking younger men. When I was in a band, it was always because I was running the band. And look, the singer was great. He's still great.

He's still a dueling piano guy. He's fucking phenomenal. I knew I wasn't good, but I brought something. I was fun to be in a band with, and I could play the songs. But I knew it wasn't going to last. I could play the songs, but I knew it wasn't going to last. But I always knew. I was always worried about someone who was going to fuck it up.

And I would always say, look, we're going to Hawaii again for our sixth time. And I've said it since the first time. This is our last time we're ever going to be here, so have fun. And we always did. And we do the same thing when we go on the road. We all rely on each other, and we have fun with each other. But in the band, it is different, Doug. It is. One of the things I brought up on that un-aired podcast was I had just watched the new G.G. Allen documentary.

And then he dies. And they had the exact opposite problem. then he dies and they had the exact opposite problem like he fucked up because he'd smear himself in shit and throw shit shit in his hand and throw it in the audience and cut his head open and get into violent physical altercations with the band and then they'd cancel fucking you know six out of ten of their dates and this is before the internet so like that that's just word of mouth yeah that was rotary dial telephone back there to say don't book this guy and they're like he was the problem when they were at their height and then once he died it killed him because they couldn't replace him no one else is gonna do the fucking eating shit on

stage thing so they just can you sing like him yeah but i'm not eating shit okay that's what i love about stand-up though is like i've always said this even to people who think stand-up seems hard or scary or whatever it seems like that i could never do it i'm like no stand-up always to me seemed like the easiest thing to do emotionally because you never fucked it up for other people and other people never fucked it up for you it's like stand-up owns its own thing you fail on your own you succeed on your own there's not one person in a group of four who can be like i want it this way and you go well now i can't do my thing you just do your fucking thing yeah it's it's tough. But I brought that up with that band was that there's always,

in the green room, in a comedy green room, never seen someone get offended. But bands, I read all these rock and roll biographies of, you know, and they'd try to blow the other band offstage and then they'd fuck with their shit when they're in the green room and the other band's on stage. There was no community.

It was... It's like fucking boxing because I say that because you like it even though it's antiquated and it's like... No, I get it though. Yeah, they're antagonistic where comedy, I always felt,

was a community. There's always politics. I think now more than ever, it's divisive, but it's also like there's something about comedy where it's almost, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but there's almost an element of comedy. As much as you're trying to impress and obviously convince the crowd they paid good money for a good show, there's also a part of comedy that's comedians against the crowd, meaning that backstage, the camaraderie often involves talking about the crowd. Do you know what I mean? Like, the crowd's good, the crowd's bad, do this, don't do that. There is a camaraderie amongst comics that transcends the audience and that's what i kind of love about comedy is that what's the crowd like tonight what's the crowd like tonight we all know that we're good we all respect each other quickly say

thank you for saying this because this is one of the things that oh fuck we can't air that because of them and their problems and legal problems. And that's one of the things was, yeah, with comics, it's us against the crowd. Thank you for interrupting me to thank me. I appreciate it. I would forget otherwise. Oh, that makes sense. Then I'm continuing on to you.

That makes sense. That was honest, Doug. Yeah. That was honest. I'm used to men trying to circumventing their own responsibility. Usually when I'm honest, you don't let me finish the fucking sentence go ahead i interrupt people i understand i'm going back to your point no let's break down this i know i make it about me i know i have a narcissistic tendency to do that and it's a um something i'm aware of and something i'm trying to fix that being said, you also have to be aware that your stories, beat-wise, are not totally clear as to when they're in their beginning, middle, or end.

I'm talking about us in a personal life, not on the podcast. I just mean in general. You know, we're both at fault. Yeah, I understand that. I'm a narcissist, and you're a forgetful rambler at times. And the combination thereof leads to you not finishing a story and me interrupting a story. You take the story off track. Let's just kill this podcast and we'll have this argument off the air.

I have to have diarrhea. You should have diarrhea. You should have diarrhea. Want to do a Kama Sutra diarrhea where you sit on my lap with your legs wrapped? Maybe it's easier for me to do this to you, but whoever's bottom, I wrap my legs around your waist. Oh, my God. And you spread your legs and we both diarrhea into the same bowl while maintaining eye contact i i'm embarrassed in a multitude of ways that i have a story that organically leads out of that what you just said we're gonna close on it but you're gonna tell it close on it i was like 1920 and went to mardi

gras with dear friends i love where this friends. I love where this is going. I love where this is going. My best girlfriends. And I used to do a joke about this, about how I went to Mardi Gras with all my girlfriends from college and subsequently realized that everyone's a whore. But I didn't know. I was a virgin. So I went there and I was like, oh, everyone's just fucking.

And I thought you saved that for when you didn't know i just fucking wasn't i was a virgin so i went there and i was like oh everyone's just fucking and i thought you saved that for when you didn't hate somebody so i went there and the greatest most intimate beautiful like i respect you respect me we both know we're not what this like moment was that the day after and this isn't diarrhea but it's vomit based which i think is adjacent yeah it's upstairs i woke up with you know five girls in a hotel room in mardi gras most of us diarrhea going hey we're moving on up most of us underage right gave my first blow job big mardi gras for me gave my first blow job and then later found a picture of the guy I blew with his arms around my friend. That being said. During the blowjob?

Woke up. Oh, God, I got so lucky in Mardi Gras. Whatever. We're not going to talk about it, but plus, of a band who met a 20-year-old girl at a show who seemed ready and willing. And he said, I'm going to put you in a cab and send you back to your hotel. And he did. Thank you, sir. And I woke up and my friend and I, who is now very successful, very professional, very wealthy, very hoity-toity,

she and I took turns for 20 to 30 minutes vomiting in the same toilet. Holding each other's hair type thing? Like you go, I go, you go, I go. Like the bird that dips down into a glass of water? Like factory machinery. You know what I mean? Like a piston. Like pistons operating in sync.

Like a tight shot of a locomotive. Yes. Like real. And we proceeded to fill. Don't cross the streams. I mean, it's like, I guess you're given this sort of latitude at that age, but like, I don't know, people

fed me so many drinks. I was underage and I woke up and I had no other option than to puke and she had no other option than to puke. And we were like holding each other and throwing up simultaneously, but also like giving each other a second of space in between.

And as much as I think that's disgusting and admit that's a boring thing to sort of wrap around your college experience, it was oddly intimate in that it was a dear friend and a dear friend going, I know you're not good. I know you're not good, and we're going to get through this together. So what I want to appreciate is people who recognize that some body functions are natural, even if you don't do natural things to your body to deserve them. And to this day, we're dear friends.

I love her, she loves me. And I will say, like Morgan Murphy said, a dear friend is someone not only you can have locomotive vomit time with, it's someone you can stop by their house and have

violent diarrhea on your way home and then do an Irish goodbye. Find Irish goodbye. Find Irish Goodbye by Morgan Murphy wherever you can find it. I think it's on like Xbox or some shit now. I don't know where it is. It used to be on Netflix when Netflix

needed it. Yeah, Google it. Morgan Murphy is one of my favorite female comics. I was just trying to say that with a straight face. Morgan Murphy is one of my favorite comics alive. And then just tweet us your bullshit. And then we'll come back next Wednesday.

Thanks, Morgan Murphy. Can we close on a series of diarrhea? Like from a... You can't copyright farts, so I'll just put a bunch of fucking bathrooms. Yeah, but they're going can't copyright farts so I'll just put a bunch of fucking bathrooms I wish there was a way to put the I'm an artist I wish there was a way to put the

diarrhea scene from Bridesmaids in your podcast it's one of the funniest fucking scenes I bet they couldn't go hey that's our diarrhea I fell over in that movie fell over diarrhea is always funny I bet they couldn't go, hey, that's our diarrhea. You'd be surprised. I fell over in that movie. Fell over.

Diarrhea is always funny, people. And keep being funny and be nice to one another and have some diarrhea. Good night. When you're surfing on the net and your chair gets hot and wet, diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you want to drop a juice but instead it's chocolate loose, diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you want to drop a fuse, but instead it's chocolate mousse, diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you're playing with a monkey and you're feeling something chunky, diarrhea. Diarrhea.

When you're hanging upside down and your face is turning brown, diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you're in the middle of a shower and you feel that animal power. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. You weed and feed your grass with liquid fertilized ass. Diarrhea. Diarrhea! You weed and feed your grass with liquid fertilized ass. Diarrhea! Diarrhea! It sounds just like a horn as your fat pops like some corn.

Diarrhea! Diarrhea! Pull my finger and your butt and it's out of the thing, you're diarrhea. Diarrhea! When your stomach starts a-rollin' and you're cleaning out your colon. Diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you think that you can flush, then you feel an unrush. Diarrhea! Diarrhea. When you think that you can flush, then you feel an underrush. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

You're acting like a fool and your pants fill up with stool. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and you feel a burst of foam. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. You don't feel like a winner when your butt blows out your dinner. Diarrhea.

Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. I gotta go take a shit. Thank you for listening to episode number two. Thanks for jumping in.