The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #306: What's in Doug's Ditch Bag?

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

Doug and Chaille go over the contents of Doug's Ditch Bag, the gigs you always remember and a final goodbye to Brody Stevens.Get first crack at tickets by joining the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/](https://www.dougstanhope.com/). All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates). Recorded Feb. 27rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byStanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -Take a moment and listen to “Vincent” by Don McClean and think of Brody Stevens.Brody Stevens Comedy Central series, “Brody Stevens: ENJOY IT!” - Available on Amazon Prime - [https://amzn.to/2NvPjDP](https://amzn.to/2NvPjDP)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out.Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Look at Gump's funny little alfalfa sprout coming off. Well, I'm going to get you a haircut tomorrow, but yeah, you definitely need it. We both need haircuts. I'm taking Gump on an excursion of sorts. Where are you going? Well, we're going to go do open

mic in a city near us. Gump's done open mic once. Did you see it? No, no. He didn't want me to see it. Since I'm going to open mic now, I feel like when I go to open mics now, I feel like it's rehab. Two in a row. Now, you've only been to two.

You hosted them. Well, we don't know when this is coming out. I did talk about this on some podcast, but you're going away. Yeah. If the timeline is jumbled, people, go fuck yourself. Yeah. You don't even have to mention it. Jesus, that's fucking,

fuck you, Bill Burr. You can't coin go fuck yourself. It's terrible. But yeah, I'm going up there and Gump's got nothing to do. And like I've said on stage, when you get to be a certain age, you only enjoy reliving things through other people's eyes. When you have a kid and he's 12, he's never seen Animal House.

You wouldn't watch it alone, but you want to watch your kid watch it. So you relive it. So yeah, I'm fucking forcing that poor kid to come on the road with me. And I don't know if we're going to come back. We were just trying to explain to Gump what a ditch bag is. And a ditch bag, I had

so much fun packing mine. Is it in your Tumi roller bag? You have a different bag for your ditch bag? No, it's a ditch bag, meaning I can leave it behind. It's 20 pounds. I think it's 21 pounds because I added some stuff to it.

And it's got... I have... Gump, you know what? Since I'm not going to allow you on this podcast ever again, go get my ditch bag in the pink room. It's a black bag in front of the, you'll see it. And I have a list of ingredients on the top of it. Grab it.

What? You have like an inventory list? Well, you pack this stuff when you're drunk. Yeah. But you think you have everything. But that way, if I ever have to ditch out, all right, fucking road trip. We're driving to New Orleans to find Bingo again.

If you remember those days. You don't have a fire starter and a way to cut a limb. Oh my God, Bingo. When she first moved here and she had that pickup truck and she was seriously mentally ill so we got all the signs she was buying like doomsday prepper shit oh yeah she was she was her whole truck was full of fucking tents and flares and mres just ridiculous amounts of stuff. Because she was batshit crazy. And she was kind of right. Because she didn't have a home.

She had just got out of a mental institution. Her parents were helpful. But that wasn't where she was going to live. Yeah. When she first came to the desert party, she was doomsday prepped. Had a tent. But that was just for a living, right? No, no, the black bag in front of the shelves.

Sorry. That's still packed from Vegas. That's an old one. Gump, thank you. I'm sorry. I should have given you. It's a black bag. It's about 20 pounds.

You'll find it. That's the to me bag here that's my million miler bag jaylee when i hit a million miles on delta they gave me a to me bag and right over god damn it they cleaned up i'm closing in i'm like a million and a half. But a ditch bag is when you just like, fuck this. I'm leaving town. I'm going to drive through the back roads of Nevada like I used to do. Just drive aimlessly. Just put the shame in the rear view mirror.

Get the fuck out of town. What do I need? An escape bag. Yeah. What you have in a white Bronco with AC count. I think I've already used this reference recently. But, I mean, you have your passport. You have some medication.

You don't put the passport in the fucking ditch bag. I actually have my passport on me right now. I am so ready to fucking flee myself. That's it. There you go. Yeah, pick that up, Chaley. What's that? It's about 21 pounds.

A little bit more than that. Yeah, so it's no more than 22. No, no, no. That's closer to 26, 28. Go get the scale. You know where the scale is? In the bathroom. It's orange.

Like the microwave. Orange. Let's just have him keep bringing things out from the house. Get that kitchen table. Not the chairs. He's so fucking lazy. Like he has every predilection

to do stand-up comedy. He does what I do and I shun him for it. What do you mean? He doesn't do anything. He doesn't work. He doesn't... Like I clean up.

I at least do dishes. He just sits there and smokes alone and does nothing and he's not even a comedian but he has everything that i had when i started comedy was i'd just sit around on someone's couch that i wasn't paying rent at and i would i i would at least write jokes. Today, I got him writing jokes. Did he or was he just doodling? I don't know. He's so secretive.

I can't wait. I'm going to follow him on purpose. Here he comes. Well, yeah. You wouldn't want to do it the other way. Do you know how to do this? You weigh yourself. Just set it down.

And you weigh yourself. And how much do you weigh, you tall, gangly, beautiful fucking young boy? I don't know if we talked about it. He slept in the nest with me. Oh, he doesn't have his glasses. 141. 141. Now hold the bag and weigh yourself again. And when did you say it was going to weigh? 22

pounds. 22, I see. It's over that. I'm really good at this at the fucking airport. How much did you weigh? 141. Now look down. Chaley, you're going to have to do it because he's holding it in front of his fucking dumb face. Do-do-do-do.

What is it? 21.4 pounds. 21.4. You're right. Between 21 and 22. Now, Gump, open that up. Top hatch. That would have been. Now, hand me that.

This is the list of ingredients in my dish bag. I so wanted a jack-in-the-box to spring out. Actually, open that. Blow glitter in his face. Hey. This doesn't work on an audio-only podcast, but it's funny to us. I actually

titled this yellow legal pad sheet Ditch Bag as though I would be confused when I opened the Ditch Bag to... What are the notes? Okay. Two Long John Tops. Good work, Chaley. One long john bottom.

Two PJ bottoms. Two PJ bottoms? Yeah, in case you shit your pants. Oh, all right. Well, yeah. Good point. One hoodie. One jacket lined.

One black travel shirt. It's the Otto and George shirt. What does that mean? it's the Otto and George shirt what does that mean? what is the Otto and George shirt? it's a t-shirt oh it's just a t-shirt yeah I wear my all black

it's my fucking black checkered plaid pajama pants that are fucking torn out my black travel shirt and you mean travel shirt that's what you drive in like during the day

comfortable I have a specific outfit I don't travel shirt. You mean travel shirt, that's what you drive in during the day, comfortable. I have a specific outfit. When I say travel, that means road travel. You and I both. That almost stopped me basically from taking

a crazy flight from Vegas where I go, fuck, I'm in Vegas. It's a real airport. I could go to Singapore. I could go to a fucking crazy place without 19 different fucking stops like Tucson. But I didn't have a suit. We never travel without wearing a fucking suit. How did you not have a suit? You never...

Wait, no, no, no. This was... Fuck. Sorry. All right. Wrong wrong this is what i did open mic last time okay tucson oh i'm staying right by the airport all right yeah that that's where yeah all right that makes sense the black a million pair of burner socks you go to fucking ross dress for less or uh what's the other one it It's Marshalls. Or TJ Maxx. Yeah. I get fucking these shitty socks for fucking 10 pairs for three bucks.

30 cents a pair. You always have fresh fucking feet. Even if you haven't washed them, they feel fresh. Well, you throw them away, right? Two burner underpants from Marshalls and or Ross Dress for Less, depending on what's clearance. A belt, hat, gloves, scarf. I have a little tiny book. I can't remember the author's name, but it's a little tiny, like that size.

Like smaller than a baseball card. It's called On Bullshit and this guy talks about I tried to read it once on a plane. It's terrible.

But I have a little tiny book. Something to flip through. Yep. Oh, t-shirt. Auto. There you go. A laptop

and a charger. I have this notebook I guess you'd call it. It's a notebook. So in case I had to get online and my phone doesn't work, or porn. Who can

watch porn on a phone? It just doesn't seem right. Rain Poncho. Burner Rain Poncho. One dollar. It's just a fucking... Yeah, it's a dollar store. It's almost like a trash bag. Burner shorts.

I get a Delta International to-me kit that has the... You keep saying burner, but when you say burner... This is shit you throw away. Okay, so the shorts you would throw away? If I had to. Okay. Yeah. They're not your Sunday shorts for church.

If you had to ditch this bag that's why they call it a ditch bag i got mini reader glasses why they call it a ditch bag well i call it bag means you're ditching out of here grab the bag and fucking go ditch bag doesn't mean you're gonna throw it away if you want this is is... Unless it's your... No. All right. The point of the ditch bag is that if you have others, like the mini readers, like they come in a little tiny sleeve and like if you had to read,

yeah, I can use this. I couldn't, I wouldn't read a full book with this, but I can see on my boarding pass where I decided to fly to when I was hammered. Oh, where am I going? Yeah, alright, then you

put them away and take a Xanax prescription glasses. I have several pairs. My contacts go crazy. I have these giant wag the dock. They're ridiculous.

But if I lost them, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't wear them unless it was bubbles from a toothbrush, toothpaste, q-tips, deodorant, pen, sharpie in case someone in a airport asked me for an autograph. Get the sharpie in case someone in a airport asked me for an autograph get the sharpies

shavers i got a spare set of shavers this is stuff i don't use electric shaver yeah stuff that can be packed up but you don't have to get your earbuds eye mask and earplugs always essential hey do you have any extra eye masks? Mine's falling apart. I need one. Hey, Gump. No, I'll go get it. No, no, it's funny. We're on the air. Second top shelf pink

bedroom closet. They're in crinkly bags that would make Andy Andrist crazy. They're eye masks. Look for them. Eight Somnics, four Benadryl. You get a trade-off on the

sleepers. You're not supposed to do the Benadryl, I heard, for sleeping. I still do. Of course they say that. Well, no, they're just saying it's not as good as probably taking... Well, the best thing to do is just to be able to fall asleep, but who can do that? I can't do that.

This is what I added. This is the last thing in the ditch bag because I had other flasks and whatnot, but then I went... I have a vintage Delta bag from the 60s. A shoulder bag? Oh, a dop kit. But that's what I made my vintage Delta bag from the 60s. A shoulder bag? Oh, a dop kit. But that's what I made my booze bag. And it fit one gin, one rum, one whiskey. This is not a song by George Thorogood.

One gin, one rum, one whiskey, one vodka, one tequila, many straws. And mixer means, for me, one vodka, one tequila, many straws. And mixer means, for me, we buy these. Do we have them? You require the smallest amount of mixer. Like when you do a whiskey Coke, it is really just, oh, thank you, blue. I like that. When you do a whiskey Coke, it is just a splash. At the most, a splash.

You patch it. You patch. You pack a ditch bag, and it makes you want to fucking leave town. Us talking about it makes me want to leave now. And you are. No, I'm so hung over from yesterday, last night, that I'm going to have to put it off a day. It sucks, because now that we're

talking about this, I'm all, just get up in the morning and fucking go. Because we're going to be gone for six weeks. I haven't even packed. I don't even have the clothes. You've been working on, like, let's take a break and then we'll get back to this. I think we're at about 20.

Nope. Nope. Nope. 19? 15. 15? We started two minutes in, so 13. Alright. It makes you want to fucking leave town. I'm making this stretch. No, no. I wanted to keep going. You're the guy that always says

20, giving me the tap on your watch signal. I can cut it in at any time. All right, I'm good. You really should listen to your podcast once. I'm going to have to for this new book. Tease. Tease. Hey, get on the mailing list because I'm also filming the new special

once I relearn it since I retired for too long. I was bummed when I heard you were going to do it in March. But now that you're not, I'll be back. Nope. But you have to be on the mailing list. I'm on the mailing list, so I'll know when.

I know it's not March. I'm looking forward to taking Gump on the road where it's just me and him in the car for as long as he's a captive. He doesn't have a job anymore. He fucked me over on that. Maybe we went over this, got him a job at Safeway. Not that he couldn't have gotten it on his own, but he was hired immediately as my son. I said, my boy.

And then he fucking no-called, no-showed these. Safeway is my safe place. It's the only market in town. It's the only place you see people. They know me. I'm a legend there. Every time I do taxes and I go,

I spent how much last year at Safeway? That's more than a teacher makes. It's a lot of booze. That adds up. They know my goddamn name. The meat guys know my name. They still put out shitty meat.

And Gump, he fucked me. But I'm still, he's still, I don't need. Gump lies when he doesn't have to, and they're not interesting lies. Gump tells you lies that you go, why would you lie? It's like saying if he was like, he's 22 and if he said he was 23,

why would you lie? That's not an interesting... If you're going to lie, go big. Come on, Gump. Let me take a break now. Yeah, there's my phone. It's obviously important. Is that your ditch phone?

That's my ditch phone. I actually bought a ditch phone. I want to do that. All right, let's take a break. This sounds important. Say hung up. Stan Hope, leave a message. Hey, Doug and Shaylee. I was going to have you cut a spot for your tour dates coming up while I was gone,

and I totally blew it. You know, there's still tickets for Go Bananas in Cincinnati, April 25th. And then you got all those California dates, May 6th through the 15th. Ontario, Irvine, San Jose, Oxnard, Brea. I see Henningen posted Minneapolis, House of Comedy on the 20th. Still have tickets. Maybe we can do something over the phone so you can promote going to dougstanhope.com to get on the mailing list so we can remind people this is the best way to get tickets.

I'll try calling you back later. Bye. Take it easy. Bye. That was bingo calling. Because I went down the rabbit hole hard with Brody Stevens, and then I had never seen his special Enjoy It on Comedy Central. It's like a comedy special? Yeah, I think we talked about this. I was only a few episodes in, but it's so good.

Wait, episodes? So it's not good. There's one... Wait, episodes? So it's not a comedy special, it's a... Yeah, it's on Comedy Central. Brody Stevens enjoyed it. It was one season. It's a reality show, but it fucking... It's so gray area where no one understands Brody. And Bingo, who's dealt with all of this shit, she's broken up as much as anyone. It's not like we were close friends.

I don't know if anyone was a close friend with Brody. But, yeah, it's affecting her. Why? Because she's been through that. She's been locked up like that. In episode two, you watch the first two episodes of Brody Stevens

Enjoy It. That's the name of the show. And his epic meltdown, which spread like a virus through the comedy community. Have you seen Brody on fucking Twitter? He was out of his fucking tit,

and Bingo has been that person. And I'm so thankful that even at her dim-witted lowest point, she doesn't seem like a suicide case. I don't see that in her. But she's watching this going, oh, there but for the grace of God go I. She did some destructive stuff before. I remember when we were going through Montana, when she was hitting her... Yeah, she would cut

her forehead open. It was like a robot that ran into a tree and then just kept running into the tree. She would smash her forehead. It was always her forehead and she said, because she can't stand the sight of blood, but she knew if she cut her forehead with scissors or a knife or smash it into a tree bark in Montana.

I remember that you were at your fucking ropes. Oh, my God. I don't know if I can fucking deal with this. Was that day harder than any day when you tour managed Hedberg? It's different. We weren't even doing a show that night. We were just in town and that's when Ichabod ate through the seatbelt.

So there was like one thin it was like a cheese slicer on your shoulder. It's like if you got in an accident. A seatbelt is flat so it disperses that energy into one thin, it would just slice you in half. And I'm like, we're just starting the trip.

That was the first few days on the road. I think it was the last few days. No. Because I remember telling Tracy, we've got to drive with this fucking cheese slicer on my shoulder for the entire trip. We booked a show. That was my space days. Yeah. And we booked a show because we had a night off and we can never find anything.

Hey, Wyoming, shout out to you. Wyoming, we can not find one show going through wyoming to get to montana it's like our favorite trip to do there's no money there we love doing it yeah but fucking wyoming there's so that year with ichabod, this is a fucking million years ago, he was a puppy that chewed on shit. And he chewed through a seatbelt. Because we left him in the car. We left him in the car. We didn't have a crate or anything for him.

Or we had a crate, but Bingo did not want him in the crate. And Bingo forgets a lot of things. Like a dog is in a hot car. Anyway, we booked a show on MySpace. This guy's like, remember the fucking shooter, Tommy Gunn? We booked where the kid got murdered. What's that town? The gay kid that got murdered.

Matthew Shepard. Yeah. Yeah. Tied to a wyoming fence post and fucking they made a play out of it like it was a huge thing uh to a rawlins is it rawlins wyoming no it begins with an l laramie laramie we played Laramie Project. That's the name of the fucking play or the documentary or whatever. So this guy, he's like, hey, you should play Laramie. I can't remember the dude's name. It was something like Daniel something.

It was something simple. Oh, because we made the t-shirts. Yeah, we made. So like you get as a comic, you get a million fucking emails hey you should play fucking bloomington you should play springfield so since we're up there anyway we go hey why don't we we booked a gig at some random bar and we told them okay since you asked we're gonna do this it's like a week out yeah yeah i mean it certainly wasn't anything uh where we really were worried about selling tickets or going through what the venue was like i mean it was it was an old but we told him okay this show is just because you asked

one random email what's that okay dan i want to say daniel johnston but that's the devil and daniel johnston but we we made up t-shirts we had the dog wearing a t-shirt it's the daniel whatever fucking show and it was the same bar that matthew shepherd yeah had been abducted from he was everyone at the bar was saying, you know, that wasn't a fag-bashing thing. That was a drug deal gone wrong. Everyone knows it here in town.

But they made it into a gay-bashing thing, but it was a drug deal. That's what everyone there would say. Yeah, the people that were there that watched it happen. We're not getting involved in the drug deal. Now, if they said something about his sexual predilection, I would have jumped right in. But he was definitely trying to sell drywall.

But we showed up to do this show, and then people are going, because it's a small town. It's like Bisbee, Laramie, Wyoming. Because it's a small town. It's like Bisbee, Laramie, Wyoming. Everyone knows this guy that we are just making a mockery of, okay, you sent me one email on MySpace. So now we're doing a show because of it. And we made up t-shirts with his name on it and made it all about. This is a fucking funny prank.

We got to do more of that shit. But the point is, they're like, oh, yeah, that guy just get. He just get out of jail. He like his ex-girlfriend or something. He fucking shot up her fucking apartment with a fucking machine gun. It was some weird story. Like he couldn't drink because of his parole violations. It was like. Yeah, there was something like a house arrest or something. Oh, we stepped in a pile of shit

right there. I was calling a machine gun Tommy or fucking... Oh, and then people get thrown out. Oh, yeah. There was a guy. I think he was mad at you and then we had to physically get him out of there but then all they do

is wait for you up front. I mean it's not like there's security or anything. Just a bigger guy went and told him to get the fuck out and then it was like well that just means when we walk out he's going to be standing there. Yeah they're just waiting there. Oh my god.

I'm trying to find the name of that bar. That's why I enjoy the idea of just going to do open mics with Gump maybe we'll stumble into some shit but I'm too old for shit like that now was it the cowboy bar?

do you remember? I have no idea I remember the layout of the place. I remember my escape hatch very much like Medford, Oregon. One of the worst shows we've done where I leapt over a merch table to get out. Starsky and Hutch style where you slid across it and then ran out. And then the whole idea, remember, was you get the fuck out and then i said it from stage i get paid start the car i'm getting the fuck out of here we're not selling

merch but you started the car in the back where we came in and i went out the front oh no no no bingo and junior didn't fucking go to the car with you so after you're in the car and we we can get away i have to go back in the venue to find them they're in the back in the back of the bar outside when the smoking area and i'm like what guys we had to talk we were clean we were out of here and then we had to walk through back through the body everyone sees me go to the the the car the the van and uh yeah we blew the cover i remember that yeah it was it was that same layout of the bar i remember that where all right i i know my i know my emergency exits.

Your act goes on autopilot, and then you just, how do I get the fuck out of here? I love some of those bars where we walk in, and then we look at each other, and it's like, we're not selling merch tonight. This is going to be fast. Let me stop. A plug for Chaley. Hey, please go to DougStanup.com slash merch, the fucking store. Not slash merch, slash store. Slash store.

Just go to the page. Buy something. Because when Chaley says he doesn't want to sell merch, that's his money. Chaley is getting the merch money. That's what pays. So when Chaley bails out of it, that's akin to saying, I'm not doing my act in this fucking place. Yeah, that is a thing where you get nervous when I say that,

but I've said that to you because I don't want us to worry about things that are going to happen. Things are going to happen. We don't need to add to it by having a table set up and and that you know some gigs are like that i mean remember remember how many gigs were we would we were on one tour and it was like jesus they these guys don't have a pa either you know it's like you'll go through the karaoke machine the one from sharper image We're not doing this. Do you... Listener.

Sitting there. In traffic. Traffic on his forklift? Traffic on his forklift? Eee! How many times have I talked about selling out the fucking

Hammersmith 3,000 people fucking... That's a UK gig, right? Yeah. Yeah. Toronto, wherever. No, these are the gigs you remember. Oh, yeah. Doing research for this next book.

doing research for this next book like one of the highlights is fucking that guy at the what's you remember the name of that place in Idaho Falls Pinecrest Inn and the Pepper Tree Lounge and it was just fucking

utter destruction I found pictures like the entire place. And then after the show, which was a beautiful chaos show, there was a guy in the audience afterwards. We're at the bar. It's like one of those gigs. You just get off stage and go right to the bar. I like that.

And there's like 40 people there. That was like a nightclub bar bar like back in the old days. In the 80s. Yeah, I played there in the 90s when it was like the hot place to go. Do you remember when we walked in there? That was one of the things where you're like, you shook your head and go, handle it, Shaley. They had fucking big round tables, dead nut center, like it's a wedding. And I'm going, no, you don't put a big eight foot yeah 12

top yeah but but it's it's all fucking table yeah right in front so i moved all those i spent the entire time when i should have just done a quick sound check i tweeted so many pictures of how that place dilapidated over 20 years it looked like beirut know. I just showed you the picture the other night of the artist's entrance in the back room, and there's just literally eight-foot piles of broken-down concrete. Yeah, rebar, concrete, a busted-out pool. So this guy afterwards, I just basically walk off because it's that empty, and I just go to the bar because we're definitely drinking tonight. because it's that empty, and I just go to the bar because we're definitely drinking tonight.

And this guy pops out his glass eye. Like, he was going to be shocking, so I redoubled by taking his glass eye. I would purify it with beer. I'd pour whatever I was drinking, beer, liquor. I'd pour it over, and then I'd pop it in my mouth, and he gaped, anal gaping

his eye open and I'd try to spit his glass eye back into his head. And I'm like, God, we have fucking pictures of this. We have fucking vines. I don't know if you can even find a vine. I can't find it. I have a vine of you doing that. And what's weird is you think glass eye and you think

it's a marble. It's like if you took your thumb and pressed it into clay. I mean, a glass eye is like it has a concave. No, it's glass, but it has a shape to it that it's not a circle. It's not a sphere. It's an egg. It's a goddamn egg. Yeah, it's an egg.

Hey, egg guy. That's what I would have said to him if I could go back in time. I love that you had the Civil War anesthesia. You were antiseptic. You were dipping it in beer. I'm like, does he want his eyeball stuck in beer? I mean, he didn't care. He didn't give a shit. He did not care.

It was one of those things where we're like, oh. The point is that those gigs are the most memorable, and I hope Gump, when I take him to open mic, just remembers, yeah, the more you eat shit, the worse it is. Those are the stories that if you don't turn into a reticent alcoholic are the memories that i have to ask other people hey what happened that night but i remember that night i just need a little prodding remember uh i was talking to so and so or such and such hey do are you, do you take copious notes of your fucking job? Cause you have a great job. And I go, the only thing I have is Twitter. And that's what reminded me,

Oh, if I'm going to write this book, I have to go back to that year on Twitter. And that's, I'm so happy for fucking Twitter that I go, okay, now, okay.

That spurs a memory. This is another memory. Oh, fuck. I forgot we did that. And it's all dated. All in one year. It's all dated, too. So, I mean, you can put that right in the timeline of the tour as well.

I mean, that's how I figure out. I go backwards sometimes by just going into my photos. Because every day I'll take a photo of something goofy while we're on the road. But it gives me that time stamp and that date, that location. So I'm finding that very helpful. It's way easier than keeping a diary. Fuck you, Anne Frank. Should we close on fuck you, Anne Frank?

I don't think so. That's not right. No. So that's not right no so that's uh here gump you would do a lot of running around your ditch bag here's a here's a list of ditch bag things that i have so you can go over that did you have a suit i don't know if we're coming back doug what did you have a suit written down on that ditch bag? No. I do have ditch suits that I keep separate, but you

don't put them in a bag. I have a full suit with socks and everything that I did not have when I was in Tucson, whereas I had this perfect flight to Singapore except there was a 19-hour layover in fucking Seattle.

And that's the first flight. Without a suit, too. Yeah, no, I always travel with suits and vintage Delta pins. Delta fucking owes us. Really. They really owe us for how much I plug them. People tweet me, oh, Delta. I'm on

Delta. And I tell them where to go to the fucking smoking lounge in Atlanta. And I know the gates. And I... Not to disparage any sponsors that currently sponsor us

but fucking Delta oh shit we have to do those other things we're going to do that finish your thought you said fucking Delta but I don't know which way you're going on this they did send me a now I have a special million

miler tag. I love flying around the goddamn world and never leaving. I really when I go up to the airport and I stay there at the hotel just to do

an open mic. Airport hotel? Yeah, because I know the people there this my regular bar is two hours away and i i love it but just being near an airport and knowing i'm not flying if i'm just staying up there i fucking just want to get on a plane and i don't care where I go. It's a fetish. It's a fucking weird fetish. I don't jerk off in the bathroom fetish, but it's a fucking weird, just, I enjoy flying so much.

But you're asleep. I know. You get drunk. You have whatever meal comes by or snacks and then you're out cold with an eye mask on watching the tv i know i love it i don't know do you have a weird thing that you love to do you love to fucking work around here you are so hungover today that you sat down in that chair over by the stage, and you just, I can't move. And I had to encourage you to stay in the chair. We got so shit-faced.

But see, that's the thing is I don't have a ditch bag packed. I'm leaving for a period of time here, as I do every March, to help my brother out at Ghost Ride, and I'm leaving for a period of time here As I do every March To help my brother out At Ghost Ride And I'm not packed I don't have a ditch bag I don't have any work clothes packed Well you're going for six weeks

A ditch bag is for like Alright this will get me to where I'm in a country that doesn't have extradition Yeah so And then being as hungover as I was I don't know if any of you listeners have that fear where i must have done something wrong where eventually the feds are going to be looking for me but i've had that like i think my whole life that my most common dream is being either arrested

going to jail for something that I don't remember doing. Like you're on the lam? Yeah, it's either DUI, on the lam, oh, I'm going to jail, should I kill myself? That's my most common theme. Really? Yeah. Mine is not able to, like getting into an altercation, but unable to punch. Oh, yeah, I think that's everyone.

But I don't know what it means. It's been for years. Stuck in mud. Like you're trying to punch, but then like nothing lands. Nothing even, it doesn't even. Yeah, you're punching through mud. Yeah. It's just like, I can't move.

I can't run. You have that? Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, that's, Gump, do You have that? Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, that's... Gump, do you have that? With walking, yeah. I'll be walking outside, walking,

just my legs get heavier and heavier until I'm just laying there. But I think that's physical because you're probably doing that in your sleep under blankets and you're trying to run where you can't. No. You're trying... Have you ever punched a chick in your sleep under blankets and you're trying to run where you can't. No. Have you ever punched a chick in your sleep?

Only because she wouldn't listen. Hey, no. No. I think I did. I think I hit Tracy recently when I was asleep. In a fight dream. I don't think I was in a fight dream.

I don't know what happened. But I did wake up and she said, you just hit me. Prove it. At least three times I've punched whatever mate I was with. Or tried to.

Came close. I was punching their pillow because I was fighting someone in the tree. Yeah, I think that's what it was with me too because she has a pillow barrier. She has to have a bunch of pillows around her. And I think I was doing a thing where I was trying to like move it. So my arm went over,

but I was asleep. Yeah, it's fucking weird. Yeah. When the Roseanne thing, then fuck you, not's fucking weird. Yeah. When the Roseanne thing, then fuck you, not Seroquel. Who's she? Ambien. When Roseanne said,

oh, I took an Ambien that night, I don't even remember this, and Ambien came out with, our product has never made someone racist. Yeah, smart fuck Ambien, but you know that your product makes people do really fucked up shit. I have a litany of stories about people on Ambien and having a cocktail or two. You're not supposed to, right? No.

Yeah. I've never taken Ambien nor Seroquel. But I've had just a microcosm of what other people have gone, oh, fuck. Renee's brother drinking whiskey, two whiskeys, and they took Ambien, watching a movie, woke up on someone's lawn in the neighborhood in la they didn't even know where they were they get so fucked and your snarky remark your product is fucking dangerous when i don't take a prescription drug like i was prescribed ambien i like nah nah no. You can cancel that fucking shit. It's fucking dangerous.

I'm sure it says right on there you're not supposed to drink alcohol with it. I was just, what the fuck? I watched so many Netflix documentaries and there was one that reminded me of that. Of what? Of the Ambien. Waking up

on someone's lawn? Man, I... Can't remember. Sorry, I watched too much shit in too little time. But there's some good shit. I'm gonna go watch that Hulk Hogan thing. I can't wait to watch that. What is it?

It's a Hulk Hogan documentary about his... How he put gawker out of business which fist pump so it's just it's just that it's bubba the love sponge is involved in it and you know what i remember doing bubba the Love Sponge the first time, and you were aware of the green room situation where they have hidden cameras, and then the guy,

and I think it's the guy that now works for Stern. Yeah, it is. Brett. Yeah. He came in and tried to goad us with, hey, how's your weekend going did you get any hookers or stuff like trying to promote

they would have hidden cameras it's like if we had hidden cameras in here and we tried to goad you into saying some fucking dark shit but like so poorly it was pretty ham-fisted. It was so obvious.

Yeah. And what were we going to say? Because we saw the cameras, and I'm like, hey, right there. And you're like, we should just start making shit up. And then he came in, and it was like, yeah, it was really clunky. But he went right into the fucking mode of, oh, so your girlfriend's crazy. He must have crazy sex. I'm like, ah, really?

Is that how fucking low we're going? They made us wait, too, because I think they thought we were going to somehow, they primed the pump to get us talking about something. I remember. It was just so hokey. They're not bad people, but it was just... All right. Come on.

Fucking talk to me like I'm an intelligent human being. But that's what people who listen to terrestrial radio want. Is he on terrestrial again? I just heard him on Stern. You heard Brett. And he called in because there was a beef.

Because I'm not on the road for the last eight months, I don't drive so I don't listen that much Stern, but he was on there. Who was on there and uh who was on there well brett and uh uh bubba had some kind of beef and then they get bubba on the phone and he's living it

that's how why i gotta watch this fucking yeah because the lawsuit has broken Bubba between some... I don't know. I can't... Just watch it. You'll fucking know when I know. Yeah, he was tied up in all that shit. It was whatever that was. All right, let's get the fuck out of here.

Gump, do you have any... Get the ditch bags. Gump, ditch bags. Gump, do you want to try to talk on a microphone to close this out? Oh, you get a fucking fat cat. Oh, I have a picture this morning of that cat and Henry Phillips, my dog, ass to ass on the bed with me. And the cat is almost as big as Henry Phillips. That's how big that cat is.

Ichabod has been coughing up like he has a burr in his throat, and I go, fuck, it's only a matter of time. Just like I think with myself. It's only a matter of time before I'm fucking dead of some kind of cancer. It's only a matter of time before I have to put fucking Ichabod down, and it's depressing. Thank you. Enjoy it. I watched that. You know when I wanted to kill myself, Brody Stevens, is episode, I think it's episode 11, where you're fucking all of your adult relatives had fucking quadruple bypasses, and they're counting up all the bypasses of your

fucking dad and your uncles and they're like 17 fucking but i don't want to live to a place where they're gonna have to break open my chest bone and sew together parts of my fucking anatomy because i'm a long-term smoker and drinker i don't want to so i understand that was the first time i understood why you killed yourself i could have told you vincent this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you I get it. I get it. I'm on it. Enjoy it. That's a podcast. Hey, do yourself a favor.

We can't put it on the podcast for copyright issues, but look up Vincent by Don McLean, and yeah, play that and think of Brody Stevens. The beginning is all about Vincent Van Gogh and colors and hues, but when it gets to, yeah, that starry, starry night when no hope was left in sight, let us never be there.

And if we ever get there, we'll understand.