The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #307: Welcome Back: Everybody's Home

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

It's been a long week. Doug is back from London, the Trailles (Chaille & Tracey) are finally home and Bisbee police are at the door.  Send any spare cigarettes to Jobi in the UK – Send to : Joe Whitlock 105 High Street, Riddings, Derbyshire DE55 4BJ Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/](https://www.dougstanhope.com/).  All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates).  Recorded April 16th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by Stanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - . Check him out - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast oh we're gone yeah i mean we're going wait you can't i can smoke in here the door is open oh people will walk by people walk by and do what man you were welcome back chaley chaley's back welcome back doug you just got back to fucking one job chaley is back and these are no longer evergreens everyone's waiting to hear about and we'll get to april and chaley's been gone since february 24th 26th because the 25th we got so shit-faced and did a bunch of those podcasts i was so hung over the next day that i didn't i mean it was on the 24th and then the 25th is we were wrecked all day. And I put off leaving another day because of that. But it was fun.

The Diarrhea podcast was one of those that we set up for Evergreens. And so much shit has happened that I've tweeted about since you've been gone. And we want to hear about this on the podcast. And they probably listened to the podcast going, he just put his dog down. Oh, yeah, that's right. Why is he talking about diarrhea? Well, the diarrhea podcast we taped before you left,

and other podcasts, and Ditchbag Podcast, a million podcasts, or six. Yeah, we had Jonathan. Valentina was on one. tom kanopka yeah belarus yeah oh yeah michael from belarus so chaley just got back we're still not back i know we're in tucson you just got off a. You found me at an airport. But this is a, yeah, we'll get to all of that stuff eventually. This is just a, hey, welcome back Chaley and Tracy.

And I have a whole fucking load of notes. Are you going to talk about where you went? Can you talk about that? Well, I just got back from London doing the Carl Pilkington's new series oh my god that was everything i hoped it would be carl pilkington since i first watched idiot abroad years ago i go why is he the dupe in this show he's exactly me i used to say uh

inman was our carl pilton. No, I'm our Carl Pilkington. It switched on you? You realized when you met him? No interest, no ambitions, no hobbies, but very logical. So the show you did, it's not

another season of Idiot Abroad. This is a whole different thing. This is the second season of his series Sick of It. Oh! I thought we watched some of those. Well, Afterlife I watched. No, no, no. That's Ricky Gervais. And that one is fantastic.

I think we were somewhere in a hotel room and we were watching some On Demand. Not me. It might not have been you. No, I would have remembered. Yeah, like where they send him to... No, me. It might not have been you. No, I would have remembered. Yeah, like where they send him to. No, no. It's a scripted series. It's like a Louis C.K. show.

And we filmed for two days. And the first day of filming, halfway through, once I got a level of comfort. Because I remember saying this in uh don't worry airplanes go by sometimes we're at the airport hotel i i remember in interviews after i did louis that i said i don't want to act i don't like acting but since i know this part if i do any acting it will only be as this character ed, was the character who wants to kill himself. I don't care if it's just a walkthrough on Always Sunny. If I could just walk through and go, hey, I'm Eddie.

Can I use your bathroom so I can kill myself? And it was a joke, but no one took me up on it. So on this one, what, eight years later? I don't know how long ago that was. what's eight years later i don't know how long ago that was but i go hey would it be all right if you changed my character name from todd to eddie and i can just throw in a random i'm gonna kill myself and i told them the backstory and they go oh yeah they're huge so they did yes when i get the sides for the next day, I was Eddie now and not Todd. And I had already thrown in the, I'm going to kill myself.

I'm Eddie. I'm ready to kill myself in a random line the first day. And so, yeah, if anyone wants me on a TV show, I'm Eddie and I'm going to kill myself. One thing. Yeah. No, two. You have to fly Delta. Yes. And I have to be Eddie. One thing. Yeah. No, two. You have to fly Delta and I have to be Eddie.

Yes, I do. Suicidal. All right. Well, let's get caught up on you, Greg Chaley. It's not the Greg Chaley podcast. It's the Doug Stanhope podcast. What have you been doing, Doug? I know, but nothing works without you.

Oh, well. You made it. You got here. You know how construction's going at the house? A little bit. It looks exactly the same as when you left. Oh, well. You made it. You got here. You know how construction's going at the house? A little bit. It looks exactly the same as when you left. Oh, man. Some of that is good to hear because I just got another – I got a phone call from a live person rather than multiple emails I've been getting.

Their Home Depot is trying to get me to come down and pick up our vanity and our tub, which we've already had delivered. So they're like, hey, yeah, it's about the vanity and the tub we got here. Are you coming to pick it up? They've been delivered. So I don't know what's going on at the house, but maybe we can make room for a double-double vanity and two bathtubs? Like bunk beds. We'll do bathtubs like bunk beds.

We just need a little more clearance. The only time I've talked to them, evidently one of the guys slammed his car trunk on his face and he missed a week of work.

Yeah. And then Bijan, the younger, super shawnee, the only time I talked to him was when we had to put Ichabod down. We had a veterinarian come to the house. Yeah, I thought that was really sweet.

Yeah, it was. Yeah. And then I assume they still take care of the body. Like, I just chuck it in a dumpster. But he was there. And I go, you think you could? Because they were digging holes anyway for the foundation for the thing. And I go, how hard is it to dig one of those what like you

said you went up to him the laborer at the house and you said hey how hard is it to dig one of them and you pointed at a hole he has a stripper girlfriend and she's out there she was digging at the time so when i get done staring at her ass i said how hard is it he goes it's really because I know even Andrew when they've had to dig there it's moon rock in our area it's a mining town and there's been a lot of fill

even if it's the soil that was there originally I think it's called caliche or something and it's just all like fist size rocks and a lot of like gravel and then clay. Yeah, well, as I said, I'm staring at a stripper trying to do his work because it's cute. She didn't say anything about Caliche or the makeup of the magma or the rock. She went, ah, it's really hard.

I go, ah, it's just because they're going to put Ichabod down in a few hours, so I didn't know if we could dig a grave. And he goes, oh, if I do it down below, it's softer dirt down there by the tree. And he had that dug down four feet in an hour. And it's beautiful. But I shouldn't have done that. I should have just let the vet take the body and chuck it in a dumpster because

me and Gump put it in one of those vacuum sealer bags. Like you can make it comfortable and be real small? Yeah. So you put them in there and you put the vacuum hose on it? No, I didn't put the vacuum hose on it, which I should have done that because we put them in that, chucked them in, and you put the vacuum hose on it no i didn't put a vacuum hose on it which i should have done that because we put them in that chucked them in and then me and gump and

backdoor shoveled dirt on top of them and i but i was in a good not a good headspace but one of those dead head spaces where i feel nothing and as the dirt started to pile up, I heard the bag pop because I had not vacuumed the air out of it. The things you don't think of. Yeah. But then a couple days later, where I'm not in a good headspace, but I still have vivid memories of shoveling dirt on top of my dogs. But it was actually Val that came up with the idea. I got to wrap them in something. I got to bury them with something.

I thought. And then Bingo said, no way can you wrap them in an Arizona Cardinals blanket. Because I had an extra one of those. Yeah. And I wasn't going to do it in her team, the Dolphins. And then I saw that. They suffered enough humiliation. A fan, because I'm a Wolverhampton Wolves, Wanderers, whatever fan.

Some fan had sent a giant flag that was on the wall and that wall was getting knocked out with the construction and I go I'll bury him in that wolves sure he's wolfish yeah fat wolf tiny wolf and so I

tweeted a picture of that of your sleeping dog with a Wolverhampton's flag draped. Yeah, and then back to our mic. Over the plastic bag coffin. I tweeted a picture of him in the fucking ground. Oh, yeah. With the wolves thing half shoveled in dirt. Yeah, because those are the pictures that you reflect on fondly.

And the Wolves, the team Twitter, they followed me. And then the Wolverhampton, like, Evening Standard or whatever contacted me. Because the Wolves, the FA Cup, whatever that is, they had just made the semifinals. Yeah, they're winding down right now. And they wanted to do an interview, you know, human interest story or whatever. Oh, yeah, he's a fan and he buried his dog in a Wolves thing. And they had just, the next day, they had made this miraculous comeback victory over Man City. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, oh, wow, that's, yeah. Ichabod. He's buried in the wolves thing. It's a little less atheist is the bit. You'll hear it one day. And they wanted to do a story. A human interest story. But then they're playing Watford on Sunday. We'll do a story. A human interest story.

Yeah, but then they're playing Watford on Sunday. We'll do it afterwards. My Watford. Fuck your Watford. I'll give you Watford. So, yeah, I'll definitely do that interview. It's silly. It's a coincidence, but it's fun fun coincidence and then they lost to Watford

and the guy emailed me back he goes yeah no one's really in the mood for your dog story but maybe one day we'll have a it was his dog story it's not your dog story they had the angle

Chaley's Tracy's here Dog story. They had the angle. Chaley's. Tracy's here. In February, you left. Well, you had to go to Seattle. I don't know which way to go with all this. I have so many fucking notes from six weeks of shit. Yeah, I was working.

I didn't take notes. I mean, I've got memories from... We're not going to get into Alaska until Chad's here. Yeah, that's a whole thing. I haven't seen him since he hurriedly grabbed his gear at like 3 in the morning with Andy.

And we were already back at the Airbnb. I'm just saying, it's like, I don't, the frantic look, I've never seen that on Chad's face. They're like, he knows he's going to forget something, but he's got to get out of there because he's got to catch this flight. Because he had a court date the next day for his daughter, not daughter. Yeah.

So it was important that he got out of there. You have fucking no idea how lost we are without you. Oh, thank you. I don't know if that's a thank you kind of thing. I don't know what to say. Yeah, it's just absolute, we're in oblivion without the Chalys there. I'm pretty sure it's more about a solid bartender. It's good to have a solid bartender.

No, there's really no reason to have a bartender. There's no sports anymore. Carl Pilkington. God damn it. I can't fucking say enough about how much I fucking love this guy. Enough of the Chaley's. I don't really talk to anybody. And I go, I don't talk to anyone either.

We just put on sports. And if there's someone there I don't have anything to say to, I pretend I'm into the sports that are on TV. It's what we do. So, yeah, the Funhouse is nothing there. I remember a week into you being gone chad was there and gump was there and we're like god damn it we want a podcast so badly we did open mic yeah i heard you did open mic yeah but shawnee of course over shawnee the whole deal he brought in equipment like you

too is doing a stadium event. I'm like, ah, fuck. Because I would have kept doing open mic a couple times a week. But Shawnee was the only guy I knew who could set up sound. And now this is so unnecessary. I don't want to bother you with this. You really don't even need a microphone. The room is. Yeah, he brought even need a microphone. The room is...

Yeah, he brought in a mixing board. Yeah, that's... I go, we could just go to Sierra Vista and buy just a small... No. Oh. No, it was just for fun. Yeah. We could just buy one of the small amp.

Well, I had it there on the wall, but since we moved a lot of stuff out of there, I took it down because, well, I just took it down and put it downstairs because we weren't using it. Well, we had those. And then the week I leave, you decide to use it. It worked good. Yeah. It was great. We can do that anytime we want to.

Well, Becker's got Chuckleheads open now. They have open mic. I don't know if they have a schedule. I've been gone. Is that weekly, Trace, the open mic at Chuckleheads open now. They have open mic. I don't know if they have a schedule. I've been gone. Is that weekly, Trace? The open mic at Chuckleheads? I think Tuesdays. I want to go to break, but I don't think we have a

sponsor, except for Muddy Bears. I brought Muddy Bears to the set. I have to look so much shit up. Let's take a break. Yeah, I have to look so much shit up. So let's take a break. Yeah, we have to. And this is just a starter podcast.

And then as soon as we get home tomorrow, we'll borrow into all this shit. We're still not home. My notes start when I left this, not this hotel, the one across the street, going here. Going to UK. To the UK. Okay. But then on the next page, it's like, what the fuck happened in the six weeks you were gone? Ichabod, open mic.

Did I do that crazy flight to Africa while you were still here? No, we had left. All right. Yeah, there's no good story there. It's odd. Fucking Bisbee cops. Oh, my God. Val's here.

She can help chime in. Let's take a break. I don't even know about that one. Oh, my God. It was terrifying. I was going to say, we're still not home, and we're at the airport. All right. Let's take a break.

Please hold. All right. Road dates. Vegas sold out. 24th and the 25th. May 24, 25, without ever... We didn't even promote those. That's the filming...

All right. I fucked up. I got this special to the place where I could have filmed it immediately last July and decided to quit comedy for a minute. And instead of taping it right then, now, nine months later, I'm going out for a month to relearn the material to get the special right. I know the material.

I got to get it right. So starting April 25th in Cincinnati, I'm doing Cincinnati at Go Bananas. It's the 25th through the 27th, and those tickets are still available. Yeah, and then May, I'm doing two weeks of random improv dates. Well, some of those are already sold out. Irvine and San Jose, the 7th and 8th of May, those are sold out. But if you go to dougstandup.com tour dates and it says sold out, always check with the venue because they might be holding some tickets.

Yeah, well, that's a weird fucking thing that Hennigan does. He'll get a portion of them brown paper tickets, so you don't have to pay the exorbitant fees. Anyway, so check with the venue. May 6th is Ontario Improv. That's still plenty of tickets for that. Not plenty, you know what I mean. But May 14th Oxnard at Levity Live. Have you ever done that there? Yeah.

Okay. And then the 15th at Brea Improv. And then May 20th actually you're doing a couple dates at Minneapolis House of Comedy. Yeah. But May 20th. Yeah, the Mall of America. I'm back. May 20th is open. this goes up must calm down i'm back at knuckleheads no it's house of comedy i know but it's the same place as knuckleheads was in 1994

uh and i'm looking forward to that 21st 22nd are already sold out we We're here, we're queer, and we have spears. Only Becker would get that joke. Mall of America. Oh, God. Those were the days. And you knew what you were. So, yes, I'm doing all these dates, but if you're on the mailing list, then

you'd be the first to know we sold out a lot of these dates just on the mailing list. Never going public, yeah. Yep. And then I taped that shit in Vegas in May and then stat from scratch. Yeah, so right away you're going to be putting more dates up after. DougStanup.com.

Just go fucking get on the mailing list. It's not like I'm sending you a lot of spam. You got this far. You figured out how to work your machine to listen to us. Just get on the fucking mailing list. All right. Where were we? I'll get to the Bisbee cops.

But the open mic, I want to say, in the fun fun house we've never had a bad show in the fun house kenny did oh he's gonna say yeah he ate a bunch of shit kenny's had a bunch of times where things didn't go right oh and i want to thank you everyone who said uh derrick money for his cataract surgery thank you for that we don't throw in a lot of GoFundMe shit much, but... So what happened? He needed cataract surgery. He's going blind. As much weed as that guy smokes, he got cataracts? No, that's glaucoma.

Oh. Potato potato. But yeah, I'm gonna go blind in six months. That's not my fucking problem. Stop touching yourself. So, yeah,

a lot of people kicked in for that. That's good. Thanks. He got one eye done and he's good with one eye. Wait, hold on. What? I don't know the fucking details, Chaley.

He didn't get enough money so he just goes, let's just do one. No, you have to do one at a time. Well, I know that. You want one eye, you can see. He blew the rest of the money on weed. No, no, no.

He hasn't got enough money for the second eye, but it's on him. I got him one eye, fuck him. All right, well, you don't have a mic, so shut up and no one knows Luker. The fucking open mic was so much fun. We've never had a bad show in the Funhouse, and we have to do that all the time. So who was on it?

Well, I was... Jason Fury went up and did great. What? With three hours notice. I didn't even know he wanted to do open mic. Wait, you guys, you needed to stretch? You needed to fill time? It was my birthday.

Was this broadcast on TV? I didn't want a birthday party, but we had been going up to Tucson to do open mic. And I do two nights of open mic and it's high season in Tucson. So I'm spending like $400 on hotels and then bar tabs and fucking over tipping like I do when I suck at open mic to try to make it all okay. But I hope he doesn't get good material. Floyd. He'll stop tipping. Floyd killed.

Floyd's always good. Yeah. Yeah, but he killed. Phil DeVoid. That was his old stage name. Gump got sick all of a sudden. He couldn't do it. So at the end, we sent Jason Fury and Chad Shank.

Chad Shank hosted the thing he's gonna be doing stand up before you know it so Jason Fury and Chad Shank went and yanked Gump out of bed by his shoulders and drug him onto the stage

you're on next and he had a couple bits he did alright Everyone did great except for Kenny, who not only died. You've seen Kenny die. Whether it's rapping or stand-up. But this was, no one was heckling him. It was

stone silence. To the point he had to address it. But no one's even heckling me. I'm really dying up here. And no one said a fucking word. It was great. Was he okay afterwards?

You know who's doing open mic now? I killed my mother guy in the mental facility. Yeah. Out on the East Coast. He's running an open mic now. Yeah. And he said it. Wait, running an open mic now. Yeah. And he said, wait in the facility,

in the facility, he's running fucking open mic. Now I just picture a seven foot Indian. He told me he had this, he had a, a takeout gangster rap. Cause it was too divisive. Yeah.

But otherwise he's got some great storytellers. He's got some great storytellers. He's got great stories. I ordered the book because I think of it all the time. There was a children's book that I remember as a kid called Nothing Ever Happens on My Block. And it's this kid who's sitting on the street corner staring towards the viewer, the reader and in the background all this crazy shit's happening parachutes are dropping in houses are on fire yeah and he's

just bitching that another nothing ever happens on his block because he's faced the other way and i thought about that and then it was one of those days in the fun house where I'm just sitting there going, my life is fucking dull. I do nothing. And then I get an email from our kid. East coast. Not guilty by reason of insanity.

Hey, here's how the open mic. Cause we went out, we visited him out there we went to the facility yeah hung out with him he's like oh like nothing ever happens on my blog yeah no we do shit we go inspire people uh so i actually ordered that book online uh i see him going to nurses. Look, we've got to flip this room. I've got a 9 o'clock show coming in. God, he's so... It's so inspiring.

Yeah, he's doing fucking open mic in a fucking criminally insane unit in a state hospital. And it's working. And it's helping people. Anyway. I'll get to the Bisbee cops.

One more thing. Joby, while I was over there doing the Carl Pilkington show. In the UK, which you're just back from. Had the weekend off between the Friday, Monday tapings. Hack and Joby came down, and Joby says he's doing great. He's gone from thinking of killing himself 30 times a day down to about five.

Is he sleeping more? He's drinking a third less, and Hack, because they're living together together is drinking four times as much. Yeah. So they're meeting in the middle. But Joby needs smokes. So here's the plan. Fucking cigarettes cost like $17 a pack over there.

And he's over there for at least another two months, right? He was hoping for a year, maybe six months. But here's the address to send Joe Whitlock cigarettes is... I'll cut this part out. 105 High Street. That's easy enough. 105 High Street. Riddings, like good Riddings. Derby Shire.

What? He'll smoke whatever you send him. She wrote down his brand. Derby shire de5543s j what no all right no is de554bj it'll be in the show notes so if you have trouble yeah deciphering sun cigarettes that way yeah winston lights are always good i don't even know how to get into this story. I don't know about it. It might have been open mic night late, but Val was there.

Well, your birthday party, I remember seeing on the cameras. You guys had a lot of people there, and you were nowhere. And it was about 10 o'clock at night. That was after open mic night. Yeah. That's probably when it was then. 10 o'clock at night. That was after open mic night. Yeah.

That's probably when it was then. Because Val and I went to go watch something on, oh, I remember. It was Prohibition, Ken Burns, which you can watch over and over again. Great fucking Netflix. So we're watching Netflix, and I took an edible, which I don't generally do unless I know I'm going to go to bed, which I did. I have to ask

you, when you do the edible, do you also do one of the sleepers or you just purely do the edible instead of a sleeper? Okay, yeah. So I'm watching the show and it's, yeah, roughly 10 o'clock. Around 1130, I'm out.

I'm done. I'm gone. And Val wakes me up in a panic going, there's someone at the door. I don't know if she said it was the Bisbee police. Someone's at the door. And we had an issue where there's cause for fucking panic when someone's. No one that knows us knocks at the fucking door. If you know how to get in, you get in. And then you just come in.

If you don't, if you're fucking knocking. And then she's waking me up out of an edible. So I'm paranoid anyway there's someone at the door someone's being polite wake up it's fucking scary yeah it's it's unnerving yeah so i went who is it bisbee police and i'm still not convinced because we had a situation and uh i start I still have my eye mask. Now it's on top of my head like Snoopy aviator glasses. And she goes, wait, no.

And she looks out the window, verifies it is police, and opens the door. Wait, they're at the door inside the compound? The front door. Oh, wow. Yeah. Still in bed. Sure.

And I'm like, what? And they go, is Jason so-and-so here? And I go, uh? Uh? And it's like hack oddity or backdoor. I'm trying to think, is there someone that might be that name that we only know by a nickname? And I go, well, I don't. You talking about Screamop?

You talking about Screamop? Is he out? I think Screamop's in. He's locked up. And I'm just so confused and high that I go describe them on the other side of a door you asked to no no they're and they know who I am so they're being very polite

we're sorry to disturb you Mr. Stanhope but and I go I don't know you know you have no pants on sir I don't think I mean we can conduct this interview now but if you want to put on some shorts or maybe some pj bottoms if you can lose the erection pretty good i heard you turned 52 pretty good keep it sir keep it there's not gonna be many of those left. Just let it go. The pacing. When I said, like, what does he look like?

Or however I said it, the pacing could not have been more comedy timed where they said, he's older. He's probably like 60. And the whole time I'm looking confused. Bald head. Wears a leather jacket likes to wear a wallet with a chain uh rides a unicycle and i went all right no rides a unicycle no No, I can guarantee you this is not a joke. Was John Cleese the policeman in this skit?

Was this part of the open mic? Like a ministry of funny walks? It's like one of those plays where the audience is on stage. I was so scared and confused. But when he got to rides a unicycle. So the next morning when I have a vague memory of this I wake up I think oh Castle Rock

Kenny Cold Cut Kenny that's the guy I would ask about this Jason so and so and I go do you know a guy with this name he goes oh yeah yeah I know that guy yeah yeah he's a he lives over in wherever.

Yeah, he's a clown. And I go, do you mean like a unicycle clown or he's like a clown as a person? Like a goofy dude. Yeah. He goes, no, he's a real clown. I go, all right, that explains the unicycle part. But we still have no idea why anyone would report him being at my house. They're on the lookout for this.

You guys are entertainers. He figured you knew him. Entertainers, they're always hung out at the fun house. They all know each other. Well, yeah, fun house too. They check the circus tent. At first I thought Derek's brother, because I don't know if you're following that on Facebook.

Why would we? Well, because you guys are on Facebook. No. But yeah, Derek's brother and- Is a clown? And Derek, no, they're- Repairs unicycles. No.

Restraining order. Who? Yeah, all sorts of shit going down between Derek and his brother. It's some silly shit. I don't care about. But where does Derek live now? Well, Derek was living out of his car. But then I don't know.

I heard the duster. Listen, we're going to catch all of you listeners up on all of this. Catch me up. i don't even know duster how about the fucking the the new uh what is it uh crowned vick i went to the goddamn police auction motherfucker there we go i wonder how that was gonna turn out i get a i get a 94 crowned vick vic with 55 000 original miles 54 910 uh uh and for 900 bucks and then i drove it to uh safeway it back and it still had 55 000 like oh this odometer doesn't work at all nor does the power window that That is now down. But yeah, so I gotta get that registered

when I get back. Oh, wow. We got so much to tell you about. So hold on. So what happened with the unicycle? I don't know. They left. I said, I don't know anyone like that, and they left. And I still have no idea why someone I don't know would be reported to be at

my house to have the cops over there trying to. Yeah, and I've been gone. I've been in London. That's got me thinking. What did the clown do that made them like, look, we need a dragnet. It was an off night. It was not a. Look, Chief, I got a hunch.

It was? There's another entertainer in town. There's a good chance he might know where our perp is. And they go knock on your door at 1030 at night to try and find a clown. Just wait. He's going to show up, right? It's a unicycle. How many more unicycles are there in town?

This is why we need to register unicycle owners. Oh, I have so fucking... They need GPSs on those things so we can find out where they are at all times. All right. Mary Noodles, ISIS. We're going to have so many fucking... That's what's coming up. We get home.

Chad gets home. I have a new best friend I met for 15 minutes. Val is going to go probably be her girlfriend. God damn it. My notes start at when I left here. When you left for the UK. The hotel across the street, yes. Well, I know Chad's got plenty of recollections.

We were in Anchorage with Brett Erickson, Carrie Mitchell, Andy Andrist, and Chad Shank, and Tracy and I. And we were basically at Coots the whole time. Yeah, I'm looking at my notes. There's way too much to get into. Let's just get home. Thank you guys for waiting

us out. Yeah, we'll get all of this next week. We'll have a full fucking thing. Do you know what the most stolen? No, no. What? I'll just wait.

I'm just getting into the beginning. I was here leaving for the UK and the other hotel across the street. and the other hotel across the street. And I was sitting there listening to a fucking dullard with his 89-year-old mother, and there's a nice lady on the corner of the bar. In the bar. And he bought her a drink. He struck up conversation.

And you don't buy the drink, you buy their time. I think I went over this in my last book. When someone wants to buy you a drink, they don't think you're thirsty. They want to buy your fucking... So she had to listen to this guy go on and on. And it turns out she's

a... she wants to get into homeland security, but right now she does retail security management. And he's just... She got a few words in edgewise, but it always came back

to, oh, yeah, my life and my mother here, and she's tried to commit suicide, and then his problems with fucking thickening of the blood and fucking anticoagulants that he has to take. But at some point, you know how you get four drinks in, and you go, I'm going to fucking control this I'd love to hear more

about you yeah I've heard all your story you've been going on and on and so what do you do now and that's when she said she does retail security for makeup companies and I go I think makeup that's probably

one of the most stolen products i've never thought of that but that's all right yeah i don't know is tracy were you a klepto because they all right as was makeup one of the things you stole the most yeah yeah makeup nail polish still does i find it all the time no receipts it's fucking crazy it's a problem it's a problem seriously most of the chicks i know that are fucking, they steal makeup. And I go, that must be. She goes, no. You know, the number one thing most stolen.

Shoes. Retail of any kind. I wouldn't have guessed it. Meat. What? Yeah. Steaks. Meat.

Food. Yeah. Food king. Food king. Animal house. Yeah. Stuffing it down their pants. Jane's Addiction. Bangkok stealing. Yeah. Steaks. Meat. Food. Yeah. Food king. Food king. Animal house. Yeah. Stuffing it down their pants. Jane's addiction.

Bencott's stealing. Yeah. So, but then he went into his mother trying to kill herself. She's telling you this great little story and then he keeps trying to edge in with this shoehorn in his mom? No, she left. Oh, okay. Trying to edge in with this shoehorn in his mom? No, she left. Oh, okay.

And then I got, but then I'm just repeating everything he said to her. Well, you know what? It's not like I'm pro-Trump, but the way I looked at it is like, it's a choice between voting for a rattlesnake or a cobra. But then he's trying to repeat the hour of conversation I've listened to him bloviate at her, and every time he tries to say it again, I go,

yeah, I know, the rattlesnake, the cobra, and he's just this fucking hangdog face, but she starts talking to me because he's talking about his 89 year old mother who had just a month before tried to commit suicide, and he's talking about his 89-year-old mother who had just a month before tried to commit suicide. And he's talking like she's not there.

And the beautiful part is when she had walked in, I have a bit that you'll hear if you come on the road or if you saw me a year, the ageism bit. She is the epitome of the most grotesque, like humping in on a walker, barely alive. And he's talking about her to that lady like she's not there. Yeah. Yeah, and she's like this, and she tried to commit suicide a month ago, and she's 89, to the point where I go, maybe he's talking about a different woman, because he wouldn't be that rude to talk about

his mother like that. Sitting right next to her. And then once the lady he's talking to left and I'm talking to him, I start talking to the mother who's right beside me. Oh wait, that was you that tried to commit suicide? And I had the fucking best

conversation with her and of course I had to tell her about my mother. And how did you try to kill yourself? And she's just done. You asked her how she tried to kill herself? Oh, I had her fucking laughing. And she goes, I haven't laughed in so long. And she was Dutch.

And she's fucking full of spirit and this fucking dullard. I want to use a local reference of someone who represents the son that we know in Bisbee, but just this fucking lummoxy, it's all about me. And I got her so fucking happy and we had such a great time.

Did you end up killing you you and her like a murder pact killed kill the son no but i was that's one of those things where oh you know what you do a great thing with stand-up comedy because you you make people laugh when they need to no when i do stand-up comedy you have to pay like fucking 50 bucks or something to see it when I can make that old woman laugh who has this stooge fucking henchman for his son that doesn't give a fuck

about you and you go I haven't laughed like this in so long yeah that's when comedy counts and it was a fucking great great night and yes and I'm smiling still. I'm two for two for getting laughs at Awake. My dad and my mom.

Yeah. I wrote things to go up there and say, you're shaking because all these people look at you, but I got two laughs. That's all I wanted. Just one laugh. One each. That's it.

I'm out. That's all that matters. I one laugh. One each. That's it. I'm out. That's all that matters. Yeah. I sold out Carnegie. Fuck you. I made a fucking 89-year-old woman. Yes. I made a room full of Catholics laugh.

She said at one point she tried to chew through her wrist. Oh, my God. Yeah, but she was in a good mood. No, that's the best thing. Yeah, but she was in a good mood when she said it. No, that's the best thing. That's part of the problem with the horrible, horrible relationship that I was in for years. It just was a real fucking wreck on me. I can laugh at it now.

And that's the thing. I don't know that she can't because we're not friends. We don't talk. There's no communication. I can laugh at it now, and I can look back on that and I go, that was fucked up. And then this happened. I mean, I was even showing pictures of her on the bar at Coots to Chad.

I go, that's the crazy one. And we were laughing about it. And that's the thing is if you got her laughing about trying to chew through her own wrists, like that guy who chopped his own arm off up in the mountains i mean that's emasculates not the right word where because when he tried to start fucking talking over her turn it back into him yeah i go yeah no i already heard and i just kept repeating an hour's worth of

conversation like no one was listening to him like yeah everyone who could hear would be listening to you so i kept shutting him down and i just watched his face drift into his palms where he had nothing to say and then i got her rapt attention and then we had a beautiful conversation while he was fucking cuckolded and masturbating limply in the fucking corner and had nothing to add. It was fucking great. We were at my sister's house back Midwest. And, I mean, there, who was it?

It was her, my sister's mother-in-law and father-in-law are there. And the father-in-law starts talking, telling some stories. And my sister's husband is like, yeah, yeah, whatever, Pop, whatever. And he kept shutting him down, right? And then we get him, my brother and I get him alone. We're sitting there at the table. He starts telling these stories. And it's like, you drove the helicopter for Daryl Gates during the Rodney King? And he's telling these stories.

And we're like, wait, hold on a second. And then the mom, she did school lunches for all of LA's school district. And she had all these fucking, well, OK, hold on now. Taco day. What really went down? And we had the best time talking to him. And if we would have sat at that table with the son,

he would have shut everything down. He would have been talking about, like, cornbread. You like it with corn in there? And this guy, he never gets to talk, and we had the best time talking to him. And it was one of those things where sometimes those people, they're so used to getting shut down that they don't even try

until you somehow break the seal or cock block the fucking sun. Chaley, it's so nice to have the Traley's home. Things will work perfectly now. We got a lot to do. You got two dates. The Chucklehead's coming up. Yep. And then we've got, well, you're going to Ohio for a couple days,

and then you're getting back in the saddle. And then you got all your dates. Yep. And then we got Vegas and plenty more after that. Yes. I think. I don't know. I'm on the mailing list.

I just find out when everyone else does. Hey, Tracy, look. I don't know. I'm on the mailing list. I just find out when everyone else does. Hey, Tracy, look. There's a taping, I guess, in Vegas. We might have a new book. It's not... We might. We do, but we don't have... Good tease.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Audible.com. Click. Did you hang up? up no I just said click alright hey thank you guys for waiting through all the evergreens and we're back

and oh my god next week tomorrow for us but next week for you I can't wait to hear fucking chad's versions oh the andy just the andy story you told me in alaska and that was just i just called in quickly and you just told me what was happening right then what was happening with you and andy and chad and tracy all right we love you hopefully we'll have a sponsor next week. Maybe Muddy Bears will finally fucking come around and go,

Hey, you've gone over and above your fucking call of duty. Yeah, Muddy Bears, how about us? Click. I did hang up this time. Well, I told you before that I will tell you again That when the Adderall hits, I'll be your openest friend Doesn't matter if you whisper, mumble or shout I don't want to hear what you were talking about

Before the first drink, you're like a thorn in my paw And once I get that lubricant Can't work it wrong I don't burn trees I like the bears that are coming Was feeling sort of umpty Now I kind of feel funny Don't expect me to be civil When I'm sober

Your news is nothing I can stand to hear You make the pounding worse when I start thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking The ride gets rocky and I just need a bump So I can walk the rest of say you're not one of y'all Oh, there's maybe something that you can't understand

My mind is not the way that's meant for any other man People make me crazy and it's worth to be out When it's over, make a mental note and try to stay gone Flame-proof, Teflflon and immune to your ills Just leave me with my good friends My booze and some pills Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober Your news is nothing I can stand to hear

You make the pounding worse when I start thinking And I don't even like it when I'm drinking No, I don't even like it when I'm drinking So don't you worry why I chose the route that I'll fly I prefer it when it's crazy cause I feel more alive I never knew exactly what I wanted to be But I found that making laughter is the way to stay free Don't expect me to be civil when I'm sober

You lose is nothing I can stand to hear You make the family worse when I start thinking And I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm drinking No, I don't even like you when I'm breaking