The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #308: Back in the FunHouse with All the Kids

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

After 7 long weeks, Doug, Chad Shank and the Trailles are all back together in the FunHouse. Chad and Chaille recap their trip up to Alaska, Doug spills on his UK adventure and we get the latest on Rev. Derrick's overpriced eyeball. This is a long one. Rev. Derrick’s GoFundme link - [https://www.gofundme.com/cash-for-cataracts](https://www.gofundme.com/cash-for-cataracts) Remember, you can still send any spare cigarettes to Jobi in the UK – Send to : Joe Whitlock 105 High Street, Riddings, Derbyshire DE55 4BJ Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/](https://www.dougstanhope.com/).  All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates).  Recorded Feb. 23rd, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Rev. Derrick (@Derick4Mayor), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by [RobinHood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com) - Robin Hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and Cryptos - all commission free. Robinhood is giving our podcast listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio just for signing up at  [Stanhope.Robinhood.com](http://Stanhope.Robinhood.com). Stanhope Store Merch - Check out the 'New' Stanhope Shot Glass, Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant) Hippocratic Oath - (Modern Version) I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant: I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. you know what makes GoFundMe a lot more fun is if they made a thing where you could you could get other people to pile on and shame other people for what they've donated money to like I have cancer and you're donating to their fucking wedding fund you piece of shit

but you can shame people I do I'm going to switch my money over to the cancer dude. The problem is when I have to promote a GoFundMe for political reasons, like it's a comic or it's Derek or something. Someone you have to pretend to care about. Oh, hey, there's this fucking kid who's fucking living on an iron lung. And, well, you just promoted some fucking dumb thing I promoted.

So I can't do that. Or kind of like the, I made the, I'll never go to another wedding or funeral announcement back when websites were pertinent. I've already sworn that off. were pertinent. I've already sworn that off. So if I swear off, I'm sorry, I just can't promote your thing because I have a thing, which I will after this special

because I have that whole closing bit. Anyway. Yeah, well, I think just being an asshole that everybody knows it is the easiest thing to be able to no I don't do that yeah

but then there are the times you have to it's almost like uh fuck we should save this but we shouldn't but uh we're not on a podcast what are we saving stuff this. But we shouldn't. We're not on a podcast? What are we saving stuff for now? Oh, we're going?

Yeah. Oh, we've been going? I thought it would be a good dovetail into the GoFundMe that we're going to end up talking about after the thank yous. Oh, okay. All right, good. Now I kind of forgot my point. But it's like when...

Fuck. I had a great analogy. It's... Oh, oh. Podcasts. People want me to do their podcast or their radio show. Just terrestrial radio. And you go, I don't do that.

We don't have guests on our podcast. People want to be a guest via Skype on ours or me on theirs. And I go, no, I don't do that we don't have guests on our podcast people want to be a guest via skype on ours or me on theirs and i go no i don't do that because phoners and skype always suck there's just enough of a delay and you can't read faces and you end up stepping on each other's sentences and i don't but every now and then we do like mike from no fx well yeah fucking our number one all-time downloaded podcast yeah all right i still don't like to do and we actually talked about that on the podcast i hate doing this so do i it fucks up your timing but so yeah when i do a mic from no fx everyone else oh you won't do my show or i can't be on your show well there's exceptions, especially when I'm drinking

and it's in the moment. And it changes the whole dynamic because certainly everybody else on mic tries not to say anything for the most part the whole time. We're an audience member instead of getting to contribute because we're going to end up fucking up the already fucked up

timing. And there's a lot of times where it's contractually obligated to promote a book or something. For you. Yeah, for me. And if it's not, no, I don't want to do that. And the times we have done it on our podcast, I think it was because Mike called me

anyway. I'm like, oh, fuck, let's put him on the podcast because we're drunk in here. But I didn't schedule that weeks out. I would have said it's a bad idea. No, no. Chris Johnson helped us with that and put it together. But it was definitely one of those things where you didn't want to do it, not because you didn't want to talk to Fat Mike.

It's because you don't like doing those things. Yeah. At all. And then we did it live. Wait. The call-in, we did a live one in San Francisco. San Francisco, yeah. Yeah, that's the most downloaded one.

Not when he randomly called in. You didn't randomly call in. That was scheduled. I don't fucking know. I didn't tell you until you needed to know. It was random to stand home. Everything's random. Hey, pick up the phone, stand up.

Hey, we're back. We're back in the funhouse. Last week, we were just back in Tucson, close to the funhouse. But now we're back with all the kids. Yay. That's why I was going to do fucking stalks and Derek right up front, because they're the worst audience ever. They just sit there like,

how long is this podcast going to last before we can drink and talk? Anyway, so yeah, we'll get back to you, fucking lumps. I want to know, too. Chad Shank, you saw Chaley the most recently. He doesn't remember the last time he saw me. I sort of do. That was a whirlwind trip

from the very beginning. You hadn't been up to Alaska since you were stationed up there, right? 96, I think. You had gone into coots back then. Yeah. Yeah, and we've talked about before how my dad used to

work there. I got a picture, too. Oh, from the 70s. Yeah. Oh, I got your shirt. Nice. The one thing you fucking left behind. Well, I don't know where to even start telling these stories. I don't want to start with that last night because that was fucking horrendous.

I'll start for you because Chaley made me feel bad enough for not being at the first Alaska Comedy Festival. It's before you die. I tried to. Alaska Before You Die Comedy Fest, which they had 44 comics paid to go up there. They paid their way up to go perform at Coots and the other venues they had. Wait, the comics paid their own way. The comics paid their fucking own way. It's kind of a trend.

Well, it was really interesting because that's how I got you originally to come up to Coots. You wanted to go because of Jackie Trinka, but you wanted to go because you wanted to perform in Alaska. Because of Jackie Trinka. But you've also crossed off all 50 states. A lot of these guys are still...

That's still a valid thing for a comic. Believe me, when we do Bisbee Comedy Festival, we're going to be counting on comics who want to come here for the novelty because there ain't no money here. Ask a local and he'll ask you for money. Cass Smiley

put the whole thing on by herself. Seriously, she was not letting anyone help out and that's probably why she got so stressed. Duran, the manager at Coots, he's driving me to the bar stressed duran the the manager at coots he's driving me to the to the bar on the first night and i go so what's going on and he goes i don't know he had no fucking idea what was happening or who was gonna do what and i'm like what's going on he goes cass is doing this all on her own and she's she's doing a great job but i really just

i have three comics coming down from Tucson, driving two hours tomorrow, and I'm panicked for one show. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I gotta get keys made for the comedy condo, and should we never put those mattress pads? Anyway, Chaley asked me repeatedly, and then at first I thought I was gonna be filming the special on the same weekend, and that thought i was going to be filming the special on the the same

weekend and that didn't turn out to be so chaley would drop me notes from up there well they sends me this i knew it i fucking knew it this is why he didn't respond to the fucking email and i go something's up it's a he's not even, oh no, oh, that one? Yeah, it says, I'm ducking wrecked and should not be texting, but this is a blast and you should be here. When you are drunk, you will lash out as to why this is inappropriate, but I'll deal with that later, probably on a podcast. I have explained to people I have never met that you have other commitments and it didn't work out.

But I walk eye this bar and I can't help but think there's something missing without you here. Totally gay. The guys are doing great, but I'm rated enough to try and attempt personal with you. I'm already regretting it because I forgot why I started this. So we can use that as a jumping off point into your week. Yeah, that sums it up. I think we had that same conversation

amongst ourselves. Well, everybody kept thinking you were going to show up. That was the thing. Right up until the very end. Erickson was like, listen, Shaylee, I don't fucking believe you because this is all part of the thing. Right up until the very end. Erickson was like, listen, Shaylee, I don't fucking believe you

because this is all part of the thing. Like it's the big snow job. I go, look, I'm just telling you. If it was part of the thing, the last person you would tell is Erickson or Kerry Mitchell because they're blabbermouths. They fit in so perfectly with the Coots, Duran

Coots crowd. They're the biggest fucking blabbermouths. They're blabbermouths just separated by a degree. So yeah, no, I wouldn't have told you. But I couldn't do it. I know if I showed up there, I have obligations like just actually working for the first time in nine months

where I'm in a panic just trying to figure out my own act and how to get three comics into a comedy condo. Yeah. That's enough. Yes. That's my plate. I think what happened was I felt like I was probably dropping way too many hints. And we never talk about personal things or really anything unless it's on a podcast. I didn't ever say,

hey, by the way, I really think you should come up or just it would be nice if you were there because you're a big part of comedy sticking around as long as it did up in Anchorage. But I know just being here off and quote retired,

I do enough damage to myself just because I have no reason to not drink at one in the afternoon. I know what Alaska's like and now Chad can attest that would not have been the best way for me to kick off business.

No, no. I definitely would agree with that. How long did it take you to recover? Or have you? I'm still trying to recover. And that's been a week? I did. I was able to massage most of the cocaine out of my face by about the third or fourth day after we got back.

Where it bled through your sinuses into actually glowing on the outside of your skin? I would punch myself in the face just to break it up and then I'd get so high. It was incredible. The way it started was Tracy and I got there the day before the festival started and proceeded to drink with the pals fucking bourbon

until five in the morning. Stupid. First day. Just off the plane. We were already drunk on the plane. So that was dumb of me. And then the Bretchells got there and they said, we're not going to Coots. They went straight home. And I'm like, wow, Erickson, right on. So they went right home.

And then the next day, Erickson and Andrus had a show. And after the show, we set up some mics to do a podcast. But we waited until Chad Shank rolls in at like 12 o'clock. And he walks into a room full of people. A ton of weed, a ton of weed, like was a sponsor, and even the sponsors were there wanting to meet Chad. Yeah, great, great. Chad walks in, drinks, joints.

I had my bags and my fucking coat and shit coming into Coots, fucking going there. Midnight or noon? Midnight. Handed me joints and drinks and showed me where the pizza is and handed me a microphone and I sat down. It was a whirlwind. Later on, somebody approached me and goes, Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but who are you?

I was like, I'm not anybody. And he goes, Yeah, but I was in the room the other night and when you got there, everybody cheered. They were waiting on me I'm probably glad to get started and that was a shit show of a podcast because it was

enough of a din in the background that everyone's yelling over each other but the microphone is picking up everything as if you were just talking softly so I might throw a bit of it at the end of this podcast. Good, do. Someone tweeted that

there was a Stan Hope Free Doug Stan Hope podcast going on. It was probably cast. Yeah, that was later when we did a sound check for some live podcasts that were going to be going on. That was Saturday. That was four days in. Yeah, it was all the same day.

The sun never sets! I remember trying to listen to some of the 10-minute podcasts we did for my birthday in Daytona in 2016. And it's just everyone coming in and out

and it's fucking unlistenable we were on parts where i'm sure we're great i just go i think we did 17 or 18 podcasts in that weekend because we just kept doing little clips yeah oh yeah yeah the 10 minutes at a time yeah this one the the funniest podcast that uh i may have ever been witness to was whenever we did the sound check on stage and so there was like nobody in this room they were just they had the chair setting up and there were people it was on the north stage they were having three live podcasts that recorded live and they had an audience area out front which would be the showroom right and i'm like so how are you guys doing? They didn't have any plan.

So I go, we'll go there early. So Eric and Andy and Chad and I, we go there early. You're Bloody Marys. And it was an hour before they were even there to even sound check. So we ran basically tape. And it was just, I don't even know how it started because I was getting the second round of Bloody Marys. I could hear everything going on in the room. I'm like, get going.

I got to get over there. We didn't. Shaylee was not in there and it was just us, but we're sitting around and we're just talking into the microphone so they can test it, but nobody's giving, all right, we're good. So we just ended up in a natural fucking banter, but we're all still talking into the podcast. Hung over and fucking ramping up with the bloodies already.

Oh, man. And Andy told the funny. I hope that part. That will go somewhere. Andy told one of the funniest. It might have been three funny stories. It's still going on. Yeah.

I don't know. We had to stop. I don't know my point. That was good. Everybody else that was getting ready to do their podcast looked like they hated us because we just had more fun with nobody in the room than they were going to get to have the whole day. It was a lot of fun.

I called up once just to check in with Chaley to see how much fun everyone was having without me. And he said, I know it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, Alaska time. I remember this. I called right before we went to the game. And I thought maybe Chaley's awake because he'd be the first one up. And that's morning in Alaska. It's 1 p.m. And he said, yeah, Andy's just waking up now.

And Chad looked down. I think he was sleeping on the floor or something. And he said, yeah, Chad looked down and noticed that Andy had a trail of blood leaking from his nose into his mouth and didn't realize it. Down his chin. And Chaley says, and Chad told Tracy about it, but not loud enough that Andy could hear it and wipe it off. He wanted everyone to notice except Andy. It was fucking funny.

I didn't want to be the only one. Andy was actually telling the story. So he's talking and he's leaking all over himself and had no idea what was going on. That's a famous old 80s comic story. There was a comic named Ollie Joe Prater who was a precursor to John Fox, who's a legendary out-of-control guy and way too late to still be doing this. But he had done so much blow, he got a nosebleed on stage while he's doing his stupid act. And the audience was aghast when he

started pouring blood but he didn't know it so he just goes on with his act until someone points to his face and he looks down and touches his face and sees blood everywhere and he pauses. He's like 450 pounds overall

haystacks Calhoun looking, and he just looks at the audience. He goes, what, nobody parties anymore? Our thing, well, one of the nights before we went out, we were watching that PD live. Live PD. And that was the thing that we kept saying to each other because at one point this cop was dealing with the guy that was on high on something and the cop was like trying to be cool

i don't remember the whole context but he goes drugs are a hell of a drugs and we all fucking fell out laughing so yeah yeah so that's what we kept saying drugs are a hell of a drugs because that was why the fucking last time i saw you guys was so crazy because that was the last night there and i hung out with andy and andy is just a fucking magnet okay okay these guys were done like they did a the dirty bird show on thursday uh and or andy did one set on thursday night late night dirty show and one of the only one four comics only did dirty material the rest just did time which was like i just saw you in the main room do the same fucking set but then the next night erickson hosted it we moved it to the swing bar which is a bigger bar birdhouse is

just too small right so they were really just coasting after their Wednesday night performance. This is the big room. The Funhouse is the big room compared to the Birdhouse. There's nothing. I can't believe you did shows in there. If you're over six feet tall, you're just breathing in 30-year-old chlamydia and asbestos.

Because there's just women's underwear and dudes' underwear just stapled everywhere. In the past, we've done shows in there, but we did like a 20-minute quick set where the headliner came in there and did 15. That's what we did. And they knew that, so we moved it to the swing bar, which was great. Erickson hosted it.

It was great. But their show was on Wednesday night, so it was just fucking party all the way. And Andy, he was... You're saying he's a magnet for these people, but I think he's magnetized to those people. He smells weakness in a character that he can exploit and then brings them along. So on Saturday night when we go in there, right?

Saturday night when we go in there, we walk right into Coots, take about 30 steps, and plant ourselves at a table. We're three tables into the bar. We left at closing. We never went further than that. We posted up right there and just drank the whole fucking night. That was that same night. That was that night that girl was eyeballing me night that girl was was i had a girlfriend yeah i had uh you always get a girlfriend it coots listen this i we were

sitting there at the uh the little log fucking things and so they're not very far behind you know they're right there behind us and i told andy i was like that woman sitting behind us is fucking gorgeous you know just just in conversation while we're just hanging out there and about 10 minutes or so later she's pulling her boobs out so her friend can take a picture at about the same time I happen to be looking that way

so she's like don't you don't look but meanwhile the tops of her nipples are out and she's got great boobs so I'm fucking like you know pretending I cover my face like a smart ass. So then she laughed and then... That's how you get

them. That's how you rope them. That was what I said later on. I was like, I fucking rather be charming than good looking. Fucking works every time. That's how I got bingo. She was laughing. She still doesn't get the joke but here she is still you just keep the jokes coming every time

she's about to leave just make up about her and she laughs so then her friend shows her the picture and she's like oh that looks good send it to me so and of course we're all just on top of each other so I leaned over and go hey can you send it to me too

and then she laughed again and I knew I had. But I didn't, you know, I was good enough for me. And then she started flirting with me later on. Like I was with Andy at another portion of the bar and she came over and started, you know, talking to me. And then I was talking to Shaylee and she walked over.

Chad and I were talking, looking at each other, talking. And it's a crowded bar on a Saturday night. We're close enough that I go, he's looking at me, but he's, looking at each other, talking, and it's a crowded bar on a Saturday night. We're close enough that I go, he's looking at me, but he's not looking at me. I could see him, and then he just turned and walked away. And I'm like, and then what we need to do, and he just walked. And I'm like, what the fuck? And he just went over there, and I mean, I'm not one who approaches girls, but yeah, I

don't know what, I didn't know anything was going on, but I knew that you had some purpose in your steps. Yeah. Well, that was – I went over and I just – I whispered in her ear, the deep voice, too. I said – I didn't anticipate that the best part of my night was going to be seeing 80% of your boobs on accident, but since it was, I thought I should say thanks and introduce myself. So that's, and then, but then I was cooler than that, and I just walked away, and I went back over to hang out with these guys.

Way while you're in. Totally. Listen, I wasn't going to wait for her to tell me to leave, creep, so I just left like a creep. Sometimes a victory comes down to A, knowing you could, and then other times in the morning, glad you didn't. Well, and that was all right in plain sight.

And, you know, everybody was there. And I wasn't going to, you know, I've been married for 20 years. I told Erickson, I was like, I've been displeasing the same woman for 20 years. She's used to it. I've been displeasing the same woman for 20 years. She's used to it. I don't want to take off my clothes and be fat in front of somebody new and come too fast and have to explain it. Or not at all because you're so coked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not me. It gets hard, I promise. It's not you. It's me. It's actually the guy that gave me this shit. It's not any of us. The whole story was is that

she was the hottest chick in the bar and she was like a pro. At one point, she came over and jerked on my beard really hard. She's like,

just one time and I was like, oh shit, this fucking... Sorry, for the listener, you did the jerking on your beard

before you said this sentence. And I was thinking you were going to say, and I noticed she had a beard. But you're still the best looking chick in Coop. Some years it's true. Sometimes you only go by weight. Lewis Johnson is a Denver comic. And this goes back to the days where I was the middle act. Hedberg was the opener in Minneapolis, and he was the headliner.

But I still remember this joke. He said, I've been married so long, I don't even know what I'd say to a woman in a bar. I'd probably just walk up to her and say, hey, I'm going to the store. Do you want me to get you anything? No? Then don't be bitching when I get back. bitchy anything? No? Then don't be bitching when I get back.

The whole story was worth it when Erickson looked at me and goes, Fuck, Shank, who knew? You're an Alaska Nine. Alright, that was fun. That was early in the night. That's the beauty of that bar. Because I started going there when they hired my band back in, I think, 90.

I think that was the first year we were up there. And just walking in, no matter what they change about that place. Doug, it's exactly as you would remember. But it was so cool. Like, I've done that before where I've gone just to the birdhouse and watched Becker for his shift. Fucking the whole shift, just sitting there. And then when we walked in there, we were three tables in. We just stayed there all night because you'd go somewhere else, you'd come back.

We're all just sitting there. Across the way, it's a pinch point. So you're like maybe eight feet. Bud funnel. You're eight feet from the bartender that has a tab running for us that I don't think we ever bought a drink in the fucking joint. It was a fucking blast it was a blast and it was fun because you don't even need to go way back just taking notes don't even write it down this is a part two hit a beat because i when you said that i just remembered that it was that night too whenever i went over and uh uh tried to pay

for a drink or try to do something and they they were like, no, you're fine. And so that little cute blonde bartender that was there. Natalie, says Tracy. Was it? Natalie. I didn't ever know her name. It was the butt plug girl. Oh, shit.

Butt funnel. Oh, shit. Oh, butt plug? Sorry, Natalie. Tracy has corrected it to Bree as the butt plug? Sorry, Natalie. Tracy has corrected it to Bree as the butt plug. And that's not a derogative story. No, no, no.

But I forgot that. But so I, like Shanley said, you felt weird because I had people chase me down and give me drinks that I didn't even want when I was trying to. They were so hospitable. That's why I didn't go. Yeah, yeah. It was no kidding. I'm like walking around with two drinks sometimes. I'm like, I don't. And so I remember I threw a 20 over to her just because everybody was so nice.

That's why they give you Coke, too, is so you remember to tip. So after I threw a 20 down on the thing, flashed me her tit well she flashed her bra at me uh and uh just being goofy and uh i went to overreact and be goofy you know ah you know and i blew my fucking knee out hey shit my knee's still fucked up right now i can't happen to wear a knee brace i told her like hey public service announcement, but no flashy tits at old guys. They'll fucking cause physical injuries. Coots injury. Blew my knee out at Coots

because the bartender flashed her tits at me. That'd be a great lawsuit. I'd like to enter into, can we have a demonstration of the tits? The jury will understand when they see these tits. That night got long. Because, I don't know, I get to hang out with Andy a lot.

And I love hanging out with Andy. But he's just so much more approachable. Everybody sees him as the approachable guy who, you know, hey, let's go sit in my car and fucking huff glue, you know? And he's like, alright, let's go sit in your car and huff glue. He says it's so Mr. Rogers-like.

Well, you know, that's funny you say that because I was talking to one of the previous promotions directors before I came back there in 2009? 2010? And we're talking and then Andy comes up and Andy and we're talking and then Andy comes up and Andy and her start talking and I'm like

do you know Andy? She goes no and I'm like what the fuck they're talking but they're being so familiar and it's all Andy she's being nice but it's like there's such a repartee there that I'm like they oh you must have did you book Andy? I don't know that guy like I'm like, what the fuck?

He just smooths himself all the way in. Also, remember by that point, too, Andy would come up to me and be like, hey, this guy wants to take us out and go do a bump in his car. All right, I'll go walk over and do a line

in the car. And as you're following him, he goes up to the guy and says, Hey, you got any bumps we can do in your car? Because I kind of promised some people. I brought my buddy with me. I'm like, no shit, I don't care. Hey, detail, we're going to your car first. Well, then we can go do that, and then I'd be back in the bar,

and then he'd come, hey, this other guy wants us to go. What? Holy shit, Andy. I'm fucking fat, dude. I can't be Chris Farley in Alaska. It's a total buy and dug of Jaeger. Not that they even like

Jaeger, but they thought that that was the thing to do. So yeah, Andy's... Just before we Ubered over to see I'd leave at 6 in the morning to fly out. At 4 in to see, I'd leave at 6 in the morning to fly out. Yeah. At 4 in the morning, I was handed a paper plate that had like a gram line laid out for each person in the room.

I had to take the ID and cut off like a quarter of it. Then I'm like, this is like my 13th line of the night. I don't need to store a gram of cocaine before I get on an airplane. It was way after closing. You and Andy had gone to some friend. We were at an apartment. There was some dude at that point. And your stuff was all sitting there. You and Andy had packed

in the morning that day. We were smart. I looked at him like, this could still go awry. There's no assurance. It almost did. First of all, you're a pro. You used your ID to cut a line. Don't you have like a

Safeway card you could have thrown? It was the card that was laying on the someone's ID, I think. Or a Safeway card. I don't know. I was looking at the giant pile of cocaine that I didn't want to do before I got on an airplane. That's a fucking, it's a miserable feeling.

We've had parties here in the past where you go, there's drugs left over that people just, like, leaving drugs behind. Because it's kind of like Hedberg would never turn down a date because he remembered the times where it was hard to get work. So he would just... He would work himself to death because he remembered being...

Yeah, but you have that feeling. I was so happy... Also, Andy doesn't come around a lot anymore. I was so happy to leave London completely out of alcohol, but without wanting. I got my duty free, and on my last pack of cigarettes that I know I'm not going to be

able to smoke for 20 hours because I gave a couple packs to Joby. Remember to send cigarettes to Joby and Hack. So yeah, I was perfectly done. So, yeah, if you can leave Alaska and having done all the drugs that you could possibly do without leaving any behind, but you were coked up enough to remember to tip. The least I could do. That place was hospitable, man. Alright, let's

take a break. We don't have a sponsor this week. I don't know how many we lost by being away for six or seven weeks of fucking evergreens, but I have a bunch of thank yous. So let's take a break, refuel. I'm going to hit some thank yous, and then

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That's stanhope.robinhood.com. That's Stanhope.Robinhood.com. All right. As you know, Chaley's been gone for like seven weeks. The Traylies, I should say, because Tracy is here making drinks. And if I had to pick who I missed more, I'd say it behind your back, Chaley. No, you've said it in front of me. Yeah, but this time. No, I know. All the time.

I tell her that. I'm just going to blow through these. You realize he wants you there and not me, but it's a package deal, so you have video that works. I want you to produce the podcast and your one job. Can I interrupt you for one second, Doug? Tracy, can I get a beer? I like the cheese here too.

You know, if you're a listener out there thinking that Tracy's no good for anything but getting a beer to Chaley, well, to Chaley, you're right. But to me, she's far more important to this podcast.

All right. Again, shit comes in. I lose it half the time anyway. Over the course of seven weeks that Chaley's been gone and we've been doing evergreens, I'm just going to blow through what I could find and write down for today. Norm DePlume, which I love that name. Wait, that's really the name? Norm DePlume? Well, it's not his real

name, but I like the... If he Googled it, he'd probably find a thousand other people that came up with the same clever idea. But I'm from a day and age where you thought you're the only one. That's a punk rock name. He sent a nice note in a t-shirt. Dustin thought you're the only one. That's a punk rock name. He sent a nice note

and a t-shirt. Dustin Trotter. Bingo. This is the guy that sent a photograph framed of Ichabod in the setting sun. It's a gorgeous picture. Meant a lot. It's right over there somewhere.

Anyway, you can show that around. How fucking nice is that? Rob Johnson. I have it. It's right over there somewhere. Anyway, but yeah, you can show that around. That is nice. How fucking nice is that? Rob Johnson, he's actually local. He's the one that I... Did you see the... He's a coin cutter. And I've never even heard of the expression.

It's sad when these people have to do things to express their depression. Does he cut his wrist with coins? Funny. I wanted to call him immediately and thank him, but he stuffed it in the mailbox. I was picturing it as like an Indian burn before it becomes a cut. You have to rub it for a while.

Stick with me. Stick with me. Honestly. Rob Johnson from here in Brisbane. What he does. Fuck. I wish I could. It's on the travel shelf somewhere, but it's not the point.

He took a half dollar, JFK half dollar, and he cuts it so that it looks like JFK is smoking a joint with all the middle parts that you don't need to see. The negative space cut out. Yeah. He's fucking incredible and I want to, he left it in the mailbox. Hey,

if you could mention this on a podcast and I wanted to call him going, hey, every podcast that's going out they're evergreens until mid-April. So it's not that I'm not saying thank you. Yeah, it's one of the coolest things ever.

I don't know what to do with it, but I'll find something. Oh, you do have it. I have it. Oh, great. Yeah, I have it. Yeah, I've seen those. Oh, wait, here's his, if you want to see his work, go to petsalad.etsy.com. Rob Johnson. It was phenomenal. And then even Andrew.

He goes, yeah, I know Rob Johnson. And I'm like, well, I don't know how to say thank you. He's going to have to wait for weeks and weeks for the Chaley's and the Traley's to come back. Now it's here and it's out there forever. Go ahead. Keep crying on the fucking podcast. Go ahead, Meatwig. Hey, there it is right there.

See what happened to Ichabod. Look, there it is right there. Nice. That's George Washington. Wow, he did a quarter. I like those. That's fucking fantastic. Do you see me as a CNC machine or some kind of a...

No, I think it's done... By hand? Like, precision. Oh, wow. With little tiny... I saw it at Art in the Park in Sierra Vista before. They had them mounted on a wallet like this. Yeah.

He said... But it was like $300 for the wallet. And I was like, hey, where do I just get the wallet? And I bought the wallet for $25. And they were all pissed off because I had no appreciation for art. But I did. I just didn't have any money. He said with all humility that he's considered the best coin cutter in the business. And I go, well, that's great because I've never heard of any other one. So you're definitely the best. And that was really cool. Mark from Mesa sent something. I don't know. I went through, we have a shelf here to throw all the thank yous. So sometimes I just found notes.

And Mark from Mesa, Arizona sent something. I just found the note and not what he sent. Bunsters Hot Sauce from Perth, Australia sent three bottles of hot sauce slash barbecue sauce. Nanny Nash sent. I can't even read my own hand. Oh, the kids book. Yeah, he gave me a great idea and I'll

probably forget to give you credit but it's in my notes. Chris Rummy, also local, he sent some blue rocks to Bingo and probably something else, I don't know. John Santos sent a book and I think, he said he sent a book i don't know which

one but he also i looked at the back of the note and it was a a baby eating a a dying bloody rat i had never seen that oh on the back of the 8 by 10 note bird snatch uh since they always bird snatch is great and they always send us weird shit. But one of the things I found in the pile of seven-week-old thank yous included in it key rings, which tomorrow I have to make up Comedy

Condo keys, and yes, you will be on the Chuckleheads Comedy Condo keys. That's Bird Snatch. If you're a comic, you're playing here, you're staying at the comedy condo, then that's Bird Snatch's key ring. Dr. Elliot Watson sent me a book about the unknown history of the Nazis, which at first I'm like, I hope this isn't pro-Nazi because it's a weird time

and place and the wrong people might like me. But thank you. Someone, we found Thin Blue Lines. It's a card game, Thin Blue Line. Thinbluelinegame.com. Might have already talked about this. They've been around forever. Let's thank our own Havalina.

I don't know if we ever use a real name, but Super Boggle, because me and Kenny and Valentina played Super Boggle forever. Thank you for that. And a cop Bible. Someone sent a cop Bible. It's not a stolen hotel Bible. It's kind

of a black molded watermarked Bible from some guy that was doing community service at a police substation. Orange County. He's got a great... Yeah, that'll be in the next eBay yard sale. And that's it for me, Chad.

Oh, you have the weed people in Alaska. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Kind of talked over you on that one, so I'll let you plug it again. The Greatland Ganja was there. Out of Kasilof, which is a long ways, but they had swag bags for all the people that showed up that were performing. It was fucking great. And, of course, Cass, even though we weren't performing, they set us up with passes, and he got off the plane, and there was weed for, I swear.

Alaskan Leaf is the other one. And I'll tell you right now, there was so much provided to me that I didn't even need to go purchase any. But next time I'm there, I will go to these places and buy some. But everybody was so generous. some, but everybody was so generous. Yeah. That's, uh... We'll count on that when we do a Bisbee

comedy festival. Not just a funhouse. We did Farts Festival and kept it inside the fence. But now that Chuckleheads is open, yeah, I think we can get some shit going on. We do want to say thanks to Cass, Chilkoot Charlies, and

AK Comics, and everyone else who sponsored, and all the comics that went up there. It was a blast, and it was their inaugural event, and I don't see any reason why they wouldn't do it again. Yeah, Bart, and Boobs, all the fucking cool people at Coots, fucking...

And last but not least... Oh, no, hold on. I got this. Someone sent me... Jeremy sent me this article, and the only reason I'm even bringing it up is because it's about the TWA Hotel. Oh, I booked that. At JFK, they're opening a TWA

Hotel that you had tickets to. At the airport, at JFK. Yeah, I've never seen that. Well, they're flying... they'reing in from maine a plane that was built it was a constellation built by lockheed by lockheed in 1956 and was in service for years and then it eventually became a drug running plane and abandoned in honduras i got the email hey connie is coming i bet that's what it's they're trucking it from maine where someone was going to try and refurbish it to jfk and it's

going to be a bar one of my biggest at the hotel uh like to fly from here to anywhere in the caribbean you have to go through through JFK to get a quick flight. And fuck JFK. It's awful. And there's no, none of the airports there have an on-site hotel. And when they said they're opening up a Mad Men era TWA hotel on-site at JFK, I booked the first night, May 15th, where now I'm going to be fucking working, so I had to cancel it.

I am going to be there. If you want to see me in New York, I want them to open a comedy stage. And I'm only going to work where I don't have to leave the fucking airport. So yeah, I saw that. That's great. Doug Stanhope on the Connie.

That was Jeremy. So thanks, Jeremy. And then some people have been sending us Bibles. I just found a bunch of Bibles here. Yeah, we're going to be back on the road after... Oh, shit. Before we bring Derek on, the dates. Well,

we got bad information. Here's what happens. We use brown paper tickets as often as possible. Sometimes you can't. But sometimes you can get an allotment of tickets from brown paper tickets, and the venue sells the rest. And brown paper tickets charges mostly nothing for a service fee.

Everyone else fucks you. And we avoid it when we can. Other times we can't. So when we announced on last week's podcast, these dates were sold out. No, just the brown paper tickets. The venue still check with the venue. Call the venue and say. But Irvine and San Jose, I'll change. The website's still check with the venue. Call the venue and say... But Irvine and San Jose,

I'll change, the website's changed by now, but Irvine and San Jose, our tickets on Brent Paper Tickets are sold out. You can still buy tickets from the venue. I just listened to that on the way over here. Shaley did say that exact thing. If it says sold out, go and check with the venue because there is... But Dan Hennigan said there's

one of them that is exclusively us. The taping in Vegas is sold out. But remember, if you live in Vegas, a lot of people panic and buy tickets and go, there's no way I can get to fucking Vegas. Yeah, they try and figure it out later. So, yeah, if you're in Vegas, just show up at the plaza. Hang out and see if you can get in last minute. And if you can't,

you should hang around the Plaza. Fucking great hotel. If you like roulette, you'll see Doug. Sorry, it's confusing. It's confusing to me. I had to pull up the fucking thing. Don't listen to me. Or other people that tweet, it's sold out. Fucking

Paul Kimball. Hey, it's sold out in San Jose. And I'm like, wow, that's sold out quick. That's a huge room. No, it's not, Paul. It's not sold out. And your wife is still in the act because I'm still doing that fucking act so I can tape it on May 25th

in Vegas and then I start from scratch again. Derek, get over here, Derek. You know Derek for mayor. He never made it to mayor, but he made it to fucking cataracts at 40. How old are you? 43. All right.

Hi, thanks for having me. Yeah, I verified. I don't trust anything Derek says. I think he's always lying or wrong. I can tell you right now, Derek and I are born the same year, and I think he's 44. I have a test suit on me. I know. Well, no, I only lived nine days in 1975.

Oh, I got you. You're later this year. Yeah. So Derek, he has cataracts. I sent him to my optometrist. He found out he has cataracts. I sent him to my optometrist. He found out he has cataracts. He told me, I'll be blind in a year.

And I didn't believe him. But then I had an appointment the week after. You checked out his story? My optometrist. You asked him to violate the HIPAA law? Yes, exactly. I think Stocks brought that up. Stocks was like, hey, they can't tell you

he had an appointment later that day or something. My optometrist before this, when Tom, Tom's got some fucked up eyes, he won't. So I sent him to my optometrist and Tom said, oh, yeah, he said you have

the same prescription for eyeglasses as I do. I go, well, that's a HIPAA violation, but I'm all for them. It works out in a small town. Violate my HIPAA, motherfucker. The first time I got a weed recommendation in town, the doctor was like, I play poker with Doug Stanhope sometimes. I'm like, oh, shit. That's not a violation. I can tell you.

It's just a small town. People know you. I consider it that Doug would remind me later. Tell him so he'll remind me. You know this moves? He's fucking all over the map. He's got the Stevie Wonder roll down.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw that. He's shaking his head. But earlier, he's looking at how much he's raised on his GoFundMe from a distance. Again, why I never believe Derek. 5,280, that's a mile. Definitely a mile. Definitely a mile. Definitely a mile. Definitely a mile.

I wish you guys could have saw me weaving my head back in. That was the funny part. No, no, no, you both did it in unison. I'm not doing it on purpose. No, not you, shithead. He couldn't see that we were doing it anyway. You're doing a Stevie Wonder head roll. Kind of a Rain Man thing.

Stevie Rain Man. Stevie Rain Man. I'm just here to thank everybody. All I want to do is thank everybody so much. For what? For giving me sight? Well, no. Deb Stocks.

Yeah. Our old fun stalker. Buck, maybe this is where we go out of the break, is Omar in London. Stocks, our old stalker who moved back to unstalk us because now she's with Raider. Who knows who she stalks poorly now. She started a GoFundMe for Derek because he has cataracts and they only cover not enough. And so when I have tweeted it,

I have, we bust Derek's balls, but Derek has been here for a million things. He's the only reason Meatwig is alive. He's done a thousand things around here so all of you old fucking Bisbee hey can I stop by your house Derek was the one who cleaned up before

and after you he's been integral up until he wasn't when he got into an abusive relationship and then he was integral into fun stories for the podcast, for domestic abuse, fucking police beat notoriety.

I didn't, I didn't have any money to give cause I'm as poor as Derek, but I retweeted it every time I fucking saw it for sure. Derek is one of the first people that befriended me here. Like fucking, uh, you know, here's,

you know, Hey, it was my job, motherfucker. I didn't care. It was just my job. He's keeping tabs on you. You did all right with it. You and Kenny. Who?

Oh, we. Yeah. That was when you guys were in charge of security. In charge of security. So, yeah. He still needs more. Now he just got the first eye done. Well, why do you need more than that?

Because he's got a second eye that's bad. And now the first eye, our doctor, I'm not going to mention my eye doctor's name because we just talked a lot about HIPAA violations. Side note. It's in Mexico. Side note. Why is it a HIPAA violation when I've had things

done and my friends were doing them I'm trying to keep this as vague as possible send me pictures of shit while I'm out and they sent it in the email titled HIPAA violation part one

of pictures they took of me because I asked them to. But why is it like someone gets their fucking head run over by a train and they're in a coma and then they're posting pictures in the news. Like if it's newsworthy. Here's a picture of them

their eyes swollen out. Well, they couldn't give you permission in public. They didn't say no. They're hospital pictures. Fucking Olin Mills comes in and starts taking fucking 8x10s and wallet size of you

in a fucking coma. How is that okay to take? I couldn't give permission. Once you're dead, they can release them. But you're not necessarily true. Not necessarily true. I don't give permission. Once you're dead, they can release them. But you're not necessarily true. Not necessarily true. I don't even understand what circumstance you guys are even talking about. When does Olin Mills show up at the hospital and start taking pictures?

That's a joke. Soft blue backdrop. I understand that, but I don't understand the actual content. If you show up in a coma in a hospital room, and then they have photographs of you with your head like a fucking pumpkin, how is it okay to take pictures of you? Like the ones we took of Bingo? Yes.

Because we're not the doctor taking the picture and posting it. The HIPAA violation is the confidentiality between a doctor and a patient. Let's get down to light bulb in the asshole. Everyone's seen the x-ray photos of a

fucking fake... It's not my butt. Fake? Are you going fake news? You can Photoshop that easy. I'm saying doctor-patient confidentiality goes as far as the doctor I'll just show you.

No, don't ever think there's a lawyer client, doctor client confidentiality? Because if the story's funny, they're going to tell one person and don't show this to anyone else. Oh, I'll tell you. My teeth were pulled, my wisdom teeth. I have four wisdom teeth.

My brothers were also pulled by the same doctor. He was a specialist in Orange County, and he had a lot of landscaping that needed to be done. And we traded landscaping work, my brother and I, for getting the wisdom teeth pulled. He has a book with the black stuff across the eyes. And he's, yeah, he was a specialist when people

got their face smashed, like run over. He was the constructive guy that came in. He was the dental team. And there, he has a book that I would not look at that had shit like that. I also assisted I also assisted

after hours with my brother's extraction. He had me holding the suction thing. I'm like, I'm I'm like this, right? And I'm holding things a little to the right. I got an 830 abortion next door. You busy at 830? I'm like this, right? And I'm holding things a little to the right.

I got an 830 abortion next door. You busy at 830? Hey, good hands, Shaley. Good hands. You sell vacuum cleaners? Why do you hold that suction still like that? I'm going to be the scraper. You're going to be the sucker. Seller rainbow.

A couple 24-inch box trees. A 48-inch box. All right. I'm done. No teeth. 10% commission on everyone. I did figure something out. I want to thank my doctors and their assistants. Everybody's so nice. They were so nice

to me and they all knew my name and they all were friendly and everything was... Actually, I had fun with the surgery. What's your name again? I'll call my doctor. Never mind. I'll ask him.

What's this guy's name? What was the procedure that you had done? They replaced my cornea in my left eye with a piece of plastic. So they made a small incision? They used a laser. They cut the whole circle around my retina. I want to talk about how fun it was. I'm a steward.

Can I treat him as a hostile witness? Yes. Answer the fucking question. You're asking him pointless. No one cares about me. I thought they cut a slit in the side and then inserted it. You're saying they cut a disc out from your eye? Yes, the laser that they used was the extra cost.

It was used on the Star Wars movie. They wanted to do the upgraded laser to make a circular. What you're telling me is you don't know what they did. I told them to fucking That's why I brought stocks. All we need to do is let me

carry it from here. We started to go fund me. Stocks did. I retweeted it. You got enough money for one eye now you have a problem who gives a fuck we'll get to it on another podcast yes the go fund me is still in play for the other eye and once they're both perfect you got a fucking lot of work to do around here i bought a piece of shit car and you swore you could fucking fix it and no it's not

a big thing oh you just need a motor for your uh power window i can't do it because i'm blind now you're more blind and but you still do need i've fat checked his story if you want to fucking just fucking five bucks that's the last thing I tweeted. Hey, if I asked you if you would give me five bucks, would you do it? Then do it on this GoFundMe for Derek Chaley. Tell him how to find it. Well, if you go to GoFundMe, you can just type in cash for cataracts. Cash for cataracts on GoFundMe.

The direct site is GoFundMe. The direct site is GoFundMe.com slash... Why is there a fucking F in there? GoFundMe.com slash F slash cash dash four dash cataracts.

I would just search cash for cataracts because that's fucking ridiculous. Please rewind that three times so we can play it over and over again. Oh, you can't see it now. No. Shut up, Derek. Before you ruin everything like Gump does. A hundred bucks is the next time I'm back here, Derek has darker sunglasses

and a cane. And beads. Cornrows with beads. I thought you meant he's selling beads like the dudes in Vegas. All of the cane and the beads and the whole disguise came out of his cash for cataracts GoFundMe. It's a lot more expensive than I thought it would be. There was a guy on Twitter that some alleged doctor. Brendan Walsh is also a doctor on Twitter.

And a lawyer. I can hook you up with someone cheaper. Why do you have to spend that much? That's what he has available. And he can't drive. Fucking bullshit. You should get it cheaper than that. He's getting what he can get. So thank you everyone

who donated. Thank you so much. I can't express how much I appreciate. Sight. Shaylee did look it up earlier and veterinarians do the same stuff. Yeah, vet tech. In the hundreds. Well, when I threatened to go to Mexico they really panicked.

But I wasn't threatening to go to Mexico because I wanted to, but it was like, I think I can get this done in Mexico for sure. Medical tourism will be on that on another podcast. For now, let's get Derek the fuck out of here. I want to say thanks to

Jeremy. Thanks for the shirt that I'm wearing. Thanks, Docs. Thanks, Steve. Derek really does. Derek, thanks Steve Derek really does Derek everybody Derek is really appreciative and he did cry tears he may never see when a lot of you

showed up on GoFundMe that is very generous you guys are fucking pretty cool let me just segue despite my hatred of people side of the... You guys are fucking pretty cool. Let me just segue. Despite my hatred of people.

Stalks. If you're a long-time listener, you know Stalks. We use Stalker with an asterisk now. Not real Stalkers, but when I was in London, last week I got done the first day of filming on the Friday. I get back.

It's a weird thing, and you've been around for this, where Fitzsimmons is the one podcast that stands out. All right, you go to L.A. and you do a bunch of podcasts, but that's their job here we do a podcast if someone a friend of ours comes in to do the podcast we're so remote that means they're staying the night and partying like christ you're and shit and so you do like an la podcast i did burrs and and Fitzsimmons and you just get into it and you're there

for an hour and they're like, alright, gotta go. Bye. They jump in a car before you can get an Uber. I'm geeked up to see a friend of mine. That's just how it works. Well, you're usually promoting something. You've got a bunch of them stacked. You gotta go to another one. Yeah.

I had to go from Burrs's to Chrysler's. Chrysler actually hung out with the family. But that's not... Point being, when I got done filming this thing with Carl Pilkington... All right, your car's waiting for you. You get done your last line. Grab your shit. The car's waiting to...

Bum rush? So... Well, no. They have other shit to film. I'm just not involved. So I go back to this hotel, which when I showed up, Hennigan had already looked up the hotel they put me at. Allegedly a five-star hotel by someone's...

Hennigan was not with you. No. I found this out later. He looked it up before I got there and he goes I looked up the bar at your hotel it looks like Liberace's waiting room

oh shit fucking gold faucet handles it was just ridiculous but it was nice enough and a smoking room I don't know if I said this

last week no oh yeah a smoking room in London your hotel room was a smoking room yeah wow or't know if I said this last week. No. Oh, yeah. A smoking room in London? Your hotel room was a smoking room? Yeah. Wow. Or was Liberace's? Oh, no. I emailed, Gump is here. I emailed

Gump because Gump's catchphrase is, sounds like a plan. And you go, that's not a plan. Gump, I said that I'm going to go to Safeway. Do you need anything?

Nope. Sounds like a plan. That's not a plan. It was a question. I don't know why you always say sounds like a plan. So I check into this hotel, and the front desk lady, Simona, brings me up to my room, unnecessary, especially because I don't have any British money to tip you. I assume I have to tip, but I don't have it. A dollar stronger anyway.

And she goes, what is your day like? And I go, I just flew in. I'm just going to drop my shit. In the room, I'm going to go outside. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and then I'm going to go outside, I'm going to smoke a cigarette, and then I'm going to go to sleep. And she said, in a thick Polish accent, Simona said, sounds like a plan. I go, oh, you're killing me.

So I go outside to smoke that cigarette, and this giant lurch concierge comes out and goes, excuse me, sir. Do you want us to move you to the smoking room? And I lifted my hands like my team had just won the Super Bowl. And I leapt up his seven-foot frame and hugged him, wrapped my legs around him. I pictured angelic

sounds and I heard them I heard those sounds oh that's funny so it was the most gaudy hotel so that was Thursday noon-ish that I had landed I'm still working off the xanax i can

sleep through the night i'll be ready for my 8 a.m wake up to do my lines on set so i do friday it was two days of filming friday off saturday sunday hang out with joe b and hack i don't know if we've talked about that. He's tweeted. A little bit. A little bit, yeah. And then Monday. But the Friday, I get through the first day of filming, and then immediately, your car is ready.

You can go. And I get back to my hotel, and the hotel phone rings. And I, hello? Is this Doug? Is this really Doug Stanhope? phone rings and I hello is this Doug? Is this really Doug Stanhope? I had tweeted there's a bar around the corner Thursday afternoon the producer showed up to just

give me the beats of what we're going to be doing through the weekend. The producer's there and he goes by the way there's a bar Stanhope Arms, right around the corner. I'll rally to go have one drink there to say I did.

And I went to Stanhope Arms and met some people and they're all fucked up and it was funny. But I took a picture and I tweeted it and they had also left me a bottle of champagne in the room from the production company. Thanks for being part of this.

Like, they went way too far with making me at home. So I had tweeted those two pictures. This guy was in the lobby. He had put together Stanhope Arms Bar versus something in the background of the hotel picture found out where I was staying and now it's like I go no listen I'm

lying but I go I get the production company on the other line with my cell phone I can't talk but no no no just email me what if I call you 10 minutes from now will you I go no no i won't email me and then i pour myself my own drink in my smoking room why would i go to a fucking bar when i have a smoking room and duty-free cocktails in my own room i'm relaxing 10 minutes later ring

listen i don't want to sound creepy, but... I'm sorry, I'm doing it. Wait, Hannigan called you? I caught myself. And I go, no, he's... And then I said, alright, I'll be down in a minute.

Well, I'll buy you drinks and I swear I'm not crazy. Oh, he's there! He's in the fucking lobby. I thought someone from America had figured out where you were and just was pranking you. Like, just calling you

and fucking with you. No, and he was a kid and I did make him buy me expensive drinks. Sure. In the Liberace's waiting room bar. And it was like Liberace meets The Shining. It was like a dark.

That's what I said. I said it was like a gay bar in The Shining. Your money's no good here, Mr. Torrance. And we were the only two people in this bar on a friday night just me and him and the bartender and the bartender is even saying he's a good fan because he's polish too they're all eastern european the producer said we've put other actors up at this hotel and they go it's very English for a hotel. It's very English, except there's no English people that work there. They're all Eastern European, which is fine.

And he's like, he's a good fan. He knows because the kids telling me all of my work. He loves. He knows you. You're a good fan. His uncle was a bartender. So at some point... You take him home, make him gump. You do, right?

You do, right? No drink charge. No drink. You good gump. At some point I said, alright, I don't need any more drinks. Come up to the room. I'll sign something for you, which was if you were here for March 25th, open mic. Kelly from Vavum brought me those barf bags with the caricature of a thing. And I go, I'm going to stick these in the plane seats where barf bags go.

I had one. I signed it for him. I go, let's get in the bed. We'll take selfies. So you can say you are in my bed in my hotel room. He's a good kid. So yeah, make this story weird. And then I go, all right, now you're going to get the fuck out.

So yeah, that was Omar, the stalker. That was very nice. He kept apologizing for being drunk, but he didn't seem it. He's getting drunk. Go ahead and get some Dutch courage to even do this. That's what he said, Dutch courage. Yes. Interesting.

It's an expression over there. You know, I know you don't listen to your podcast or visit your website, but on episode 306 two weeks ago, It's an expression over there. You know, I know you don't listen to your podcast or visit your website, but on episode 306 two weeks ago, I used that one tweeted picture with that gal you met out in front of the Stanhope Arms. Oh. That was the picture. Oh, no.

I got them out. I fucking wanted credit because these two chicks, it was afternoon. It was like three in the afternoon on a Thursday, and they're singing and their teeth are just like almost black red from red wine and everyone's annoyed by them and i i was the drunk whisperer i got them out of the bar they were they were behind they were, the Stanhope Arms mosaic window. What do you call that? It's like, it's not.

Stained glass? It's not stained glass, but it's like that. They have that. So I'm, excuse me, can I take a picture of that window? Because you're in front of it. Your booth is in front of it. But I need a picture. Yeah, yeah, fucking yeah, yeah, yeah.

With their giant red stained teeth. And they were just. So I lured him out with the threat of a cigarette. Would you like an American spirit? Let's go outside and smoke. Because I know they'll continue on. And then I expected adulation when I got back. I got rid of those ladies.

I expected adulation when I got back. I got rid of those ladies. I would watch an opposite of a bar rescue show where you just went in and got drunk fuckers to leave by pied piper-ing them out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Diplomats. Thank you. That's the name of the show.

The Diplomats. Where Stan Hope pied pipers drunk people out of bars and the whole staff applauds him. I'm Doug Stanhope. I've been in bars for 30 years. Today with me is professional diplomat

Chad Shank. He's gotten rid of fucking weird bikers from the house. He's gotten rid of stalkers. He's gotten rid of... Today, what do you think of these two broads? Winestain teeth?

Singing? You're so vain? The top of their lungs? No, they started with Whitney Houston. Anyway. So, yeah, that was my venture out I don't know

where I was sorry no but you were across the street you actually went left the hotel and didn't do something you were

supposed to do I had to do Stano Farms once you never do that and then when Joby and Hack came down from Nuttenham

couple days cause Joby's Nuttenham the cigarette cigarettes for Joby's the cigarette cigarettes for Joby. That sounds like Live Aid. Cigarettes for Joby. Yeah, it's another GoFundMe. No, the address.

I don't know. I mean, I put it on the show notes last week and they'll be in the show notes until he comes back. But I don't know. Did you double check that with them? I wrote it down when he said it. So that's what it is. All right.

Someone's getting cigarettes. They came down. We tried to go to Stanhope Arms on a Saturday, Friday, Saturday in the UK. It's a nine to5 Monday through Friday country. And Friday, Saturday are fucking intolerable. It's just the biggest assholes. It's like Mardi Gras for a weekend and then

Monday morning everyone's back to polite. But Friday, Saturday, just the most New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, stupid fucking assholes. Locals? Is it all locals?

We went back. Yeah, yeah. Just the general populace. Every weekend is a holiday. And Monday through Friday is, oh, how can I help you? I can only do Henneken at this point. We appreciate it because at least we know you're doing something European. I turned my head to laugh so only Shaley can see me,

but I guess you knew I was laughing at your English accent. They get down mid-afternoon on Saturday, and yeah, I got nothing to say. So we go to Stanhope Arms, but now it's Saturday afternoon, so it's mobbed. Oh, soccer's on, right? They didn't seem to be looking at anything other than we just walked in. All right, I've already done this. How about we fuck off?

And we found sushi, which at 3.30 in the afternoon is empty. So we had great sushi, nice time, went back to the hotel, went downstairs. Smoked cigarettes. Yeah, we drank duty-free up in the room, went downstairs for happy hour, and there was one chick there that was very drunk. Sorry, Hack, but you fucking tweeted this, that I was a social justice warrior trying to keep

you off a drunk chick. But when a chick's that drunk at like 6 30, we said this earlier in this podcast, the hot chick and, yeah, you be a gentleman and you walk away. Listen, Hack tweeted that and he included a picture of himself.

Any chick drunk enough to want to fuck Hack, you got to throw some consideration her way. She was an American from Mizzou. Yeah. And I'm from Mizzou. We were having fun. It was another table. To be fair, if I wasn't married, I would have banged that chick. We were having fun.

It was another table. To be fair, if I wasn't married, I ought to bang that chick. But that's coots in the middle of the night where everyone's fucked up. This was the Liberace Museum of five people. Yeah, that's the chick I was talking about. I ought to bang that chick. Oh, no, you probably wouldn't have. Oh, yeah, probably. The hack was, I don't know.

I was trying to be the voice of reason. Yeah. That was on your Twitter. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he took the picture or had Joby take it and then tweeted it. Anyway. Yeah. That was probably 9.30 at night where I passed out.

I'm going to bed. We had a nice time. They went to the casino afterwards, texted me in the morning going, you did the right thing by going to bed. Yeah, I do that. I'm old. I am, but first,

are you experienced? Have you ever been experienced? Yeah, at Coots, where you guys have not been evidently. We have, it's just not in the norm. It's been in the norm enough for me to know I have to do lines. No, sorry. I have to read acting lines. Oh, I thought you were going to have to do lines. Absolutely. No, sorry. I have to read acting lines. Work. Oh, I thought you were going to have to do

lines if you went. No, you were doing lines while I was reading them. You would have had to do lines if you went. I would have made you. I know. I had, whenever you talked about your fucking hotel that you said started off with a supposedly whatever star,

I stayed in a hotel in Phoenix on my way to Alaska that was supposedly I think it was three. Three stars? Yeah, it was just decent. Days Inn, Airport Inn, which was actually a 13 mile Uber ride

from the airport, which is a misleading fucking name. For a fucking motel. Sky Harbor is like ringed with airport hotels. And the $13 Uber ride was worth it. But it was, when I say...

You said 13 mile. $13 is different than 13 mile. Did I say both? Not at the same time. You said mile, which is not anywhere near the airport. No, it was like 13 miles. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. You had to get on the freeway and go for a long time. I split it with a dude I met on the bus the first trip over. So you're like him. You meet people when you need to. Well, you don't have... You can't help it to. When I... Oh, fuck.

When I first went to go get on the bus, I had to go, I was flying out of Phoenix to go to Alaska. But I didn't want to, I didn't want to bother Jenny to take me to Phoenix. That's a long drive to go back and forth. So I told her, there's a greyhound that leaves from Sierra Vista and goes to Phoenix. Oh, wait. This is so good. Hang on. I read

your series of tweets. I think this is on your way back. Yeah. Of you having to take a Greyhound bus and I'm like, this is fucking brilliant. I live tweeted my Greyhound trip. One thing I hate about Twitter.

I started it off with, there are so many people in this ground station with tardive dyskinesia that I thought I accidentally walked into a dance party, knowing that nobody would get that fucking joke and hoping you would see it. You know that that's in my

act right now. But the one thing I hate about Twitter because that feed that I read of you coming back on the bus, you see the last page first and like, oh wow, I wish there's

a way to flip this so you could read from the beginning. I always tweet them in a thread. You should be able to show the thread and see from the beginning. I always tweet them in a thread. You should be able to show the thread and see from the beginning. I do it in the easiest way. You just don't understand how to do things. I get it. No, I click on at HDFatty.

And then I read what you've written. Anyway, so the way up. Well, I showed up. I was going to go up the day before to go to the Phoenix airport. You had to because you didn't know how you were going to get there, and you needed to do the Greyhound. Well, I definitely didn't want to depend on Greyhound the day of my flight.

Of day of, which turns out. Which turns out I was absolutely fucking right in. So I went there and showed up at 10am To get on the Greyhound In Sierra Vista At just the regular bus transit They have nothing to do with Greyhound It's just the Greyhound stop

It's a lot big enough for a bus to pull in So I pull in there And the lady goes There's no Oh another one for the early bus. She goes, there is no early bus. I go, what does that mean there is no early bus? I bought a ticket like two weeks ago. What does that mean there is?

She goes, that's what she explained to me. She's like, we have nothing to do with Greyhound. Here's the number to call. I call the number and the lady says uh what's your you know confirmation number all the regular shit and then she says uh um okay uh i don't know where your bus is sorry no you don't get to end a call like that. Unless it was sorry, wrong number. Yeah, this is, so meanwhile, and now I'm completely playing to the fucking back of the room,

which is the thing I learned fucking hanging out with you. I'm completely not focused on the phone call. I'm only making everybody else in the room laugh because I'm going, you can't, do you realize i'm a customer and you can't just say i'm sorry i don't know where your bus is and hang up on me i need resolution with this is there a later bus i can get is there sir i am sorry hi all i can tell you is what i can see and i don't know what your bus is. Thank you. No, you don't. So I go through this whole fucking thing.

Did Malaysia 370 you? I go through this whole thing with her and she... Sorry, I almost spit some cocktail when Chaley said the Malaysia 370. Go ahead, she says... She tries to end the call finally. Oh, no, that was what it was.

I said, she goes, I don't. Your bus is not scheduled to leave until 1035. So technically your bus is not late until 1035. But meanwhile, we were supposed to board at 10 a.m. The bus gets there before. And so I go, okay. I go, so that's six minutes from now you can either connect me with a supervisor or i can just keep talking to you for six minutes

until you tell sir like she's all exasperated i don't know what you want me to do sir i want you to tell me what i'm supposed to do i need to to know what's happening. Gets me the supervisor who tries the same thing. This is all I know, sir. I can only tell you what I know. Your bus is not late. So I can call you back at 1035. Yes. I go, okay. Now it's three minutes. I'm going to stay on the phone. And she

tries to end the call. Sir, thank you very much. Is there anything else I can help you with? Yes. So I fucking lose my shit. Is there anything else you can... you with? Yes. So I fucking lose my shit. Is there anything else you can... You haven't helped me one bit this whole time. I understand that you have a script to read, but sometimes do you understand that it's okay to go off the script?

And you've not helped me for 20 minutes. And the whole back of the bus station is fucking cracking up. A bunch of people also can't get to Phoenix. One other dude who's getting on the bus. Is this Benson? Cervista. So finally I

get off the phone because I know there's no more squeezing the joke out. I already know there's no answer. But then I started tweeting fucking Greyhound, what the fuck? This is the answer I got. And immediately I started getting replies back.

And I ended up getting on a 4 o'clock bus and fucking being able to go the long way to fucking... It was beautiful. Those three of us on this bus, we went through Patagonia, Sinoida, Rio Rico,

up the freeway. Border Patrol got on the bus. I had like four joints. Tucked them in my boot. You tweeted it. That was the way back. No, no, no. I did have a joint incident on the way back too. Two joints. Yeah. I found those. But we go up to Tucson and hit, and we had like 25 minutes.

And I go, I'm going to go smoke a joint real quick. So I go run across the street and smoke a joint. And the Tucson bus station is one of the grossest things. Until I saw the Phoenix bus station, it was one of the grossest things I had ever seen. But I was across the street at an abandoned building where I could just smoke a joint. You see where homeless people slept nearby and stuff. And I go to walk back and as I'm walking back by, I see the biggest pile of puke I've ever seen in my life.

I didn't even realize it was puke for the first couple of seconds that I saw it because it was so... Oh, you did that thing where you looked harder? That looks like a big... And I was like, oh, that is. Oh, that's disgusting. And I started to walk in about three feet past that was a similar sized but different consistency pile of puke. consistency pile of puke. And then I looked up past and I realized that about every

three feet was just a giant pile of fucking drunk bum puke. I wanted to take a picture so that I could tell this story, you know, with evidence and I could not. Kenny did that gallon jug of milk thing. Oh, it was

fucking horrendous. It's funny you bring this up, Chad. Because when I had to travel on the BBC's dime, they booked me on Delta. But you request that, right? I requested it. You should. They did.

But the problem was when they fly you first class to London from Tucson, you get Delta to LAX and then LAX to Heathrow, 11 hours. You didn't have to stop. That's Virgin Atlantic. So I fly first class on Delta for an hour and 20 minutes to LAX. Go, I saw Roxy and Jeff, our people at Terminal 3. Absolutely. And Roxy said, hey, do you have a backing for that pin? I lost the backing.

Well, first I went, because I'm switching to Virgin Atlantic. I went to the Virgin Atlantic lounge. They don't have all that fresh made snacks. They just have beautiful chairs and cocktails, but none of the great snacks. So I went, hey, fuck this.

It's very much like your Greyhound trip. I went, fuck this. I'm going to go over and see Roxy and Jeff at the Terminal 3 LAX lounge. And I, of course. But you were in five, weren't you? Or the International Terminal? That's at the end of LAX. No, no, no.

Just like when we went to Costa Rica, they fly. Bradley Terminal is international. So I didn't get the really nice one where they serve filet mignon, which I was fucking heartbroken and probably made a few calls to Hennigan, like you probably did on your Greyhound trip. We can bounce back and forth. I got more to tell, but it relates. So we can go back and forth.

How much puke did you see on your trip, Doug? Not enough because when I get on Virgin Atlantic, you know when you have the lay down cubicle in first class where you just hit a button and all of a sudden you're reclined with a beautiful blanket and pillow and in-flight entertainment? I'll just go with it because I know you want me to say yes. Well, no. No, they don't. Virgin Atlantic, you still have to... Yeah, you have to, like, get out of bed

to make it... You get out of your chair to make it into a bed. And I'm like, what the heck is up with this? The temerity. I don't know what that word means, but on Delta, I could have someone come over with a dictionary

or it might be a vodka I had to get out of my bed and then take my gourmet dinner at the four seat bar because no one was sitting at the bar so I ate my dinner by myself at the four seat bar so they could manually make it into a bed. Fluff your pillow.

Yeah. Yeah, they had to do that. I can fluff my own pillow, I says, if my mouth wasn't full. With a lame ingone. Oh, that's the other thing. I had to take a bus. Listen to this. That's the other thing.

I had to take a bus. Listen to this. Because Delta and Virgin Atlantic are not, they're partners, but they're not the same airline. You know, in LAX, we had to take the bus to switch terminals. To move from one terminal to the other. But I'm on upper class, but since they don't communicate, I had to take the same bus. They didn't send the fucking Porsche like they do to drive you across a tarmac.

It was fucking hell. You go tell your story and then I'll get back to the return flight. You say bus and it's so tainted now. The term bus. But I know what you're talking about. Like a tram. It's a shuttle. A comfortable tram. So I had the...'re talking about. Like a tram. It's a shuttle. Yeah, like a comfortable tram.

So I had the... You were seeing vomit on the ground every three paces. I ran from the vomit like a kid on Friday the 13th fucking running from Jason. I know what it's like. It was bad. But I get back onto the bus and The Greyhound. The Greyhound bus to go Tucson to Phoenix.

And this is the, I'll read you the text that I texted to Stan Hope. Tucson to Phoenix now. The bus is no longer empty. Lots of kids. The one directly in front of me is either deaf or autistic,

but I'm guessing both. Pretty sure the guy behind me and to the right has whooping cough, and it's starting to affect me the same way your head itches if someone talks about lice. And it wasn't just me. People all over the bus were fucking starting to cough after this fucking guy kept fucking coughing it up. So I made it.

That wasn't bad. It was only like two hours. I had headphones. The goal was to get to Phoenix, stay in a hotel, and then you had an early morning fight or afternoon fight to get to Anchorage. So for me, as long as I got to the hotel at like 10 at night, which was fine with me,

I didn't care because I had plenty of time to get to the hotel the next day. It was the Quality Inn Airport Hotel. In Phoenix. In Phoenix. That was not anywhere near. I think it was three. But I'm going to show you a picture that nobody else can see but that I can describe. This was the lock on my door.

It was completely busted in half where it had been kicked in. Where somebody had kicked the lock. It's like a bicycle lock. It's the one that you flip across. You know the one that you open the door and flip the bar? It's the bar. But look at the sides of the bar. It's completely shattered in half.

I thought that was an x-ray of Derek's cataract. Not only is it shattered in half, but there are two separate areas above it that you can see where the screw holes are punched completely out. Where this door has been kicked in. Well, at least three times. At least three times. One, two, three. I started to wonder.

That's for the old folks. When I checked in, she was like, you know, you're over here, because I had got a room like a week before I knew I was doing this whole thing. So she's like, you're right on the first floor right around the corner over here? We call it the kick out. Which I should have said yes.

But I'm not a traveler, so I don't know to say yes. Give me the first floor room around the corner. I was like, unless you got a room where I, because I wanted to smoke weed like immediately. That's all I had in my mind. So I'm like, unless you have a room with like a balcony that I can step off and enjoy the night air. And then all of a sudden I get into this room and I go, I think I said code words that I was not aware of that I said. You said too much. But it was nice because had I been there with my family and had that room.

It was nice because had I been there with my family and had that room, and the door is also destroyed completely around this whole lock. Had I been there with my family. There's a cartoon silhouette of a drug dealer busting through the door. I looked everywhere for hidden drugs the whole time until I was ready to go to sleep. I searched that fucking place. until I was ready to go to sleep. I searched that fucking place. Look up.

But I was so grateful. I was like, if my family was here, I would have to go down and demand a new room. But all I have to do now is move the table and the chair in front of the door and then lay there and hope that somebody kicks the fucking door in so I can deal with it. So you have a jump on them. Yeah, you have a little bit of a warning.

Yeah, I want to win. Yeah. I don't know what they're coming in with. You know, Tracy and I just traveled plenty of miles in hotels. Like, Doug, we do what we do. We don't go in advance and go, all right, today's itinerary. We're getting to Woodland, California. We get close.

It's like, let's look for a hotel here. We were trying to stay in Eugene, and there was nothing. So then we would just go somewhere else, right? So sometimes those hotels, there's not a lot of jobs in these towns. But I tend to look at the doors more now. And your picture there reminded me... We just stayed at a place up in... What was that place?

Flagstaff. Old hotel. Great fucking classic... On San Francisco Street. No, no. Not that one. We stayed at another one. It's really fucking cool.

But I looked at the door. I'm like, that's a one by four. Like behind, like they've beefed up behind the door, like the door itself. And they go, well, no, it's broken. But we put this scab of wood on there. And I'm like, what the fuck? But it's a whole courtyard. So it's all contained

and then we were off street parking but i noticed that i'm looking at doors more now at these hotels because i mean that's egregious i mean three three by the way strong door that door kicked in three times and the screws came out and the frame didn't break no no door was door was completely buckled but uh iled. I showed the lady the picture in the morning when I checked out before I was waiting for my Uber. I go, I found it hilarious but that's only because of who I am.

I don't know if you guys know this exists but it might make some people uneasy. She's like, oh my god! You're behind three inches of plexiglass. I know you don't get out much behind there, but this is what's happening on this side of the plexiglass. This is where I can chime

in because I identify with you. The picture that you just showed that's on my Twitter that Hack Oddity posted of me falling asleep while him and Joby are still up, a lot of people noticed the stain on the carpet.

And I don't know if they know about the stain, but it's the same thing where there was a brown stain on the carpet in this five-star hotel. And as far as the bus ride back where you lost two joints, in defense of Virgin Atlantic, yeah, I got there four hours early because Virgin Atlantic Lounge on the way out, yeah, at LAX, it's nothing. On the way out, I'll tell you, it's not so bad. It's a two-story. They have an outdoor garden if you're into that thing that you can watch planes

take off outdoors. They have an upstairs. They have a pool table and a whole movie viewing. table and a whole movie viewing like it. You've been at Johnny's house. You know how he has an indoor theater. It's got that and it's got gourmet meals and all the cocktails

that... See these nails? These maroon nails? Yeah. Complimentary manicure. I had to pay 16 pounds for the polish. But you know what? They need the money. They're an impoverished country.

Insulation free. You have to pay for parts. With Brexit, they need the money. So I got the chair massage. But it's like with you on a bus that you don't know if they even have a bus coming through. I had to wonder, do I get another gin fizz made with the egg whites and with the sprigs of stuff? Or do I get, they have what they call the cutthroat shave. I know you'd give one, Chad, but would you get one? That's a straight razor shave. I know you'd give one, Chad, but would you get one?

That's a straight razor shave. But it's the same thing basically. I'm cutting your throat. I had to leave the Virgin Atlantic Heathrow Lounge to go get Yo Sushi, which was not as good as I remember Yo Sushi. And I love Yo Sushi, which was not as good as I remember

Yo Sushi. And I love Yo Sushi, but it's weird how it comes up. Eggs Benedict for free or Yo Sushi because I want it. It was so conflicted. I did not get enough snacks

for the plane. And I was only there for three hours getting massages and manicures. It's like exact. We're like the same person, Chad. Did you have anybody to commiserate with or were you too far away from other people? Humans. You were pretty isolated. The lady that did my massage and nails.

She got close. Yeah, I told her. I dropped Carl Pilkington's name. Oh. And she goes, oh, well, then I'll do this massage as well as I would have anyway. Full charge. Oh, yeah. And I said, hey, can I tip you with a visa?

Because I never bothered to get your currency. She goes, no, you can't. I go, all right. And then I went back to the bar. No tip. No. Did we ever tell you? I'm saying it was hell.

We both lived hell on Earth. On the way back in Phoenix, there was a huge line of people waiting to get on this bus to go from Phoenix to Sierra Vista, which was eventually going on to Texas. You left on the 6 a.m. flight out of Anchorage fucking wrecked. Completely.

Completely. Which, I have to say, that's the same way I left Alaska the first time. An incredibly attractive young lady sitting. I was in the middle with my shoulders folded forward. You were in the middle seat. And this lady kept trying to talk to me. Fuck these guys. She's trying to crack jokes, which

normally I would have had a lot of fun. Except for I have my head tilted back and I'm trying to just drain as much cocaine back down my throat as I can so that I can continue this day. And then I kept trying to pretend I was asleep so that I could get away with this.

But it's like impossible to shut your eyes. It was a difficult trip. Much like yours. I was in 11k and there was a guy with a baby in one whatever the middle seat is and I know someone's gonna hear his baby

it's not me but I put on my Bose headphones and I gave him a dirty look he couldn't see from that distance so yeah exactly I know when I got on the Greyhound in Phoenix there was a baby sitting in front of me with its seat fully reclined. It was an infant. It was literally an infant with its seat.

To be fair, I found my seat by finding two that were already fully reclined and then just pretended I didn't know better while I just fucking left both of them fully reclined. I didn't know better while I just fucking left both of them fully reclined. That was the other thing I tweeted that I did is I just took up two seats and then I just stared at everybody as they walked by until like, sit by me, motherfucker. Sit by me, motherfucker. Chad has that benefit of looking very scary and intimidating where I have to pull out my cock and balls and smile and wave people in. Now, wait a minute. Same reaction.

Now, wait a minute. Also, while I was waiting in this line, this other similarly largely built fellow comes over to me and starts asking me about my gas monkey garage shirt. Oh, no. You like that? Did you get that on the show? And I'm like, dude, I've never seen this show. My wife just gets this for me because they sell them at the Big & Tall

at JCPenney's. And my Duck Dynasty t-shirt blew out. He's like, man, I get what you're saying. He goes, I'll let my wife buy me clothes for Big & Tall as long as she doesn't tell me what it really is. And I was like, yeah. I had a saved tweet about that.

Big and tall is just fucking big and fat. Everybody knows what the fuck that means. And so we started talking. He was like, man. Correction, that would be tall and fat. No one says, fuck, you're just calling me tall. Just a fat fuck. I think actually what mine said was big and tall equals fat fuck is what my tweet was.

I'm not at an intimate level with this fellow in the bus station, but he did start commiserating. You are now. He did start commiserating with me about how, you know, man, there was about 40 kids on the fucking last bus, and I was like, yeah, I said I had the same thing. Was it a school bus? It's, I had a whole immigrant family. They all had big fucking name tags on

their, take this safety pin to the back of their necks because there was so many of them. They're like, this is the Juarez family! Like, it was, this is the Juarez family. They had the whole bus. So me and this, we start bullshitting, and I'm like, check it out. I go, I'm only going to Tucson.

I go, when we get on here, if this bus is full, let's fucking sit our fat asses in the same fucking seat because I'd rather sit next to your big ass than a fucking you know, kid and and then I'll get off and then you got the seat to yourself for the rest of your trip. Well, hell yeah. So I made a friend at the bus station and then at the last second we realized

that we're getting on different buses. It was a It was a Titanic. it was like titanic all right uh the joke aside again i did not pay for this $12,000 seat that the BBC pays for and hey the first time

I wrote this in my book the first time the only other time 4,000 trips 4,000 trips somewhere some listener is doing the math and going, it's more than that. It is.

It has a low ball. You can buy bulk. It was $25 to get me to come here to Phoenix. When I started taking notes for the day Chaley came home where we could podcast again, I started, obviously, from recent backwards. So I was writing. I wrote down, bitch about Virgin Atlantic upper class. Because it's funny to me.

But I didn't pay for it. Yeah. But there were so many fucking children and babies. I'm like texting if people like yeah I'm complaining about but who why is a fucking

six year old flying just flying I have a fucking problem with that in his own like cubicle seat like and babies Just flying. I have a fucking problem with that. In his own cubicle seat. And babies. Everyone had fucking babies.

One of the guys, he was not in the upper class. He was in the business class. And he saw me as we're going through LAX, where you're going to switch your baggage. Oh, he recognized me. And then I recognized him from the guy that had a baby right where the toilets meet you know that awkward position where you have to look at business class from upper class uh tell me about it it's unbelievable is it awkward if you try to pull the curtain closed yourself do you look at the at the staff can you come and pull this curtain closed, please? But how fucking dare you?

And the guy in one middle seat, and I'm an 11K, and I was just fucking hate staring. How dare you? He's got the baby in the front chest pouch. The baby Bjorn. Oh, baby Bjorn. Oh, baby Bjorn. It's a sling. Yeah, a sling. And he's bouncing it around going,

and then when I took my seat at the four-stool bar, he was fucking there with his baby. And I purposely put on Bose headphones and death stared him as only first class can do. Or Greyhound Rider. No, you can, I can death stare in my stupid suit. Fuck you. You, he'd just go, I need this man thrown off the plane.

Because you look like, I look like i don't belong in a different way anyway the point is i made a point of getting up from after eight hours to get my fucking you know they have an after hours menu after they serve you your gourmet meal they still have the luxury continues sir yeah here's your here's your next meal here's my burger burger with Swiss. It was kind of cold. Anyway, I just... Now you brought that fucking baby down here and a couple people came down to the bar in their Virgin Atlantic pajamas.

They give you free pajamas. You know, when you go upper class, they give you free pajamas and shit and socks and and people actually change into them sorry i'm trying to be smart fucky and at the same time yeah they change into them so and they're going that's adorable baby no it's not it's a as babies go it's ugly and all of them are fucking ugly and this is a stupid fat headed fucking baby

it looks like Carl Pelkington's head on a baby it's a giant fucking mud headed baby and go don't promote that he goes I hope it didn't keep too many people awake if it kept one people away,

that's $12,000 they spent on this stupid baby. Where does a baby have to be? I'm not going to... I totally agree. They should have a baby bag or something that they can put it in. Like a barf bag. This one's crying. Like a sound muffling. Fucking talking. Oh, we're just going on holiday. Like a barf bag. Like, oh, this one's crying. Yeah, like a sound muffling.

I heard him fucking talking. Oh, we're just going on holiday. Let's start a holiday. Oh, I hope it didn't keep too many people. Well, I could see it from where I sat. Dude. 11 rows away. You have to.

11 rows away? And then the first row, Doug, was in 11. I'm so sorry for all your inconvenience. Sounds horrible. I was in 11 because 11. I'm so sorry for all your inconvenience. Sounds horrible. I was in 11 because 11... I'm sorry, Chad. Let me explain. Whenever...

11 is where they break the exit. So one is actually the back of first class. Sure. 11 is right at the bar where I plan to be. Oh, it's by the bar. I'm going to be right beside the bar so I can wake up, eat my fucking dinner alone because no one drinks anymore. Beautiful.

I'm going to eat that, and then I'm going to be the first cocksucker off this plane. And that guy brought his stupid, fat, ugly, stupid baby with his stupid bald spot and his ugly fucking wife down to my bar, and then he's bouncing around the baby in his fucking tit suit oh i hope it doesn't cry down here well that's by my seat there you and i did not say anything because i was a diplomat i i get what you're saying i'm like i hope it didn't bother people yeah it bothered if it bothered only three rows and

however many seats. Yeah, that's 12,000 times 12. 36,000. 48,000. 48,000. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'll smash that. I can get the heat throw right now

for $1,400. Yeah. On Delta. Well, it $1,400. Yeah. On Delta. Well, it's not coming up. I was just trying to say Virgin Atlantic Lounge at Heathrow is one of the most brilliant places you can be. But the downside is you go, I only have three hours here. Do I get the cutthroat shaved? Do I get the pedicure, manicure?

I can only imagine how you must feel. Whenever I was headed up to Alaska, they announced, if you want to check your bag, you can do it for free. So I ran up there to do it for free so I didn't have to lug that fucking thing around. Yeah. So you just check it at the gate. I had a carry-on bag, but they were like, we're trying to check bags. If you want to check it for free, it'll be at your destination.

I'm like, fuck yeah. I don't want to carry this heavy motherfucker around. And when I went up there to do it, the lady noticed my physique and upgraded me to an emergency exit row. Nice. Which was a ton of extra room. I was so fucking happy with that. Delta just announced that they are going to make a lot of the rows of seats you can't recline. Two inches less.

And Joby was bragging like, fuck you, you'll hate this. But yeah, for me, that's good. Well, then just recline. Everyone recline your fucking seats. I don't recline my seat. Even when I can, because I just

I don't care. But then have when I can because I just I don't care but then have all the seats reclined already exactly exactly I don't want it I'm with you if everybody can get on board

then it makes it the same way but if the airline could make them all fucking reclined anyway then shut the fuck up because remember when we went to Vegas

that dude kept reclining and I kept shoving his fucking seat forward with my fist because I didn't think that was right that was a greyhound issue on a plane. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a Greyhound rider in a plane world. I love that Greyhound and Amtrak, there's still businesses that could be like you had. Yeah, we don't know where that bus is. Or that train, we're going to be 24 hours late. Sorry. It's like, yeah, we're going to be 24 hours late. Sorry. It's like, yeah, we're not sweating the details here at Amtrak. Because Doug and I were on a train in Canada that got like 18 hours late.

And remember what they said? You can stand in this line. Stand in line. We've been standing in line and standing on a train for 18 hours. We would go to sleep, get up, eat, come back, go to sleep, and the train never moved. That's how fucking long. And there was

no explanation as to why. I realized, well and I had already realized it before, but thanks to Stanhope, I am a Greyhound level influencer. I'm a Greyhound rider and. I'm a Greyhound writer and I love my radio. The other guy who couldn't get

who was supposed to go is on the phone trying to deal with it. I'm tweeting. Hey, what? Fuck you, Greyhound. You're fucking me over. And then everybody retweets it and favorites it and then Greyhound help has to be answering me. DM me and I'll help you. Like you do with Delta.

But I have Greyhound level status. So the other guy gets told, you're fucked. Sorry. Find a room for the night. The guy on the phone. The guy on the phone. The only other dude going, and he's like, you're fucked. You get a room because tomorrow, you got to go tomorrow.

And meanwhile, I'm on the Twitter and they're like, yeah. Where tons more eyeballs are looking at that. You're going go tomorrow. Meanwhile, I'm on the Twitter and they're like, yeah. Tons more eyeballs are looking at that. You're going on the very next bus. No worries. Also, we're going to give you a $25 credit which is what I used to get home from Phoenix after I got back from Alaska. Don't get your return in advance.

Chances are you're going to be displeased somewhere along the lines. And you tweet it. That's a good scam. That's a whole other fucking story, dude. When I got back to Phoenix where I had court for my daughter on Monday, the day I flew out on Sunday and had court with her on Monday morning. And you had to be back for that. That's why you left. Well, I mean, I didn't have to.

She's just going to jail, but I mean, you want to. In my eyes... I mean, was she still going to jail whether I'm there or not? In my eyes, at 3 in the morning and you're still back at the Airbnb, I'm like, Chad's got to get on this plane. I mean, that was... Had to. Had to. So we get there and she...

We're like there for two and a half hours. Then all of a sudden, this other lawyer comes over and approaches us. He's like, hey, your lawyer played in a lesbian softball game and got a line drive to her face. And so she's not here. She wants to be here for your sentencing. So you got to reschedule it for next week. You motherfuckers. This is expensive.

Wait a second. But I can't be pissed off about it because she gets a week more of freedom so I have to be like hey good for you and I gotta fucking why did they have to say lesbian softball game isn't it implied

I said that because I didn't know if it was implied and I'm kind of drunk I probably shouldn't have so that worked out? Well, I ended I found her a place to go because she was supposed to go to jail.

She went and then I took the Greyhound back and then I rode my motorcycle back the other day. Sunday. I rode my motorcycle to Phoenix and got a room at the Best Western Airport Inn, which is a way more accurate name, although they should call it the Best Western Freeway and Airport Inn.

They do give you earplugs. Freeway clothes? They do give you immediately. It's on the freeway. If it were any more on the freeway, there'd be cars driving on the roof. They do give you earplugs, though. If it were anymore on the freeway, there'd be cars driving on the roof. They do give you earplugs, though. I just realized that we're still podcasting.

I thought we were just talking. I feel all self-conscious. I was going to say that. I feel all self-conscious. You went up there to go. In London, I had a film Friday and Monday. So Saturday I hung out with Hack and Joby. They did the nice thing

like you guys do. Fuck off early in the morning. And Sunday I realized, oh, now I have five hours to listen to Joe Rogan, Alex Jones podcast. It's a four hour and 48 minute podcast.

And I go, well, I have nothing to do. I won't put on British television because there's no television to watch this. But I don't want to hear the fucking repeated voices in my head or a song that's stuck in my head. And I wrote a note to myself alex jones on joe rogan so i put that on on my computer woke up way too early finally put it on after i checked my shit and and i i got maybe an hour and a half in and then i started drifting in a dreamscape and then back out and it's still interesting now eddie bravo's on like i want to listen to this fucking morgan murphy was here and it was the day that joe rogan had done alex jones's podcast in well you did my podcast i'll

do yours and she was bitching about it's inappropriate on the day that a parkland's father killed himself i don't need these fucking problems i love morgan murphy i love every time she comes here and then eventually she will annoy me with something i don't care about no i think it's wrong i don't i don't i't care. But I wanted to listen to the original, which is a five-hour thing. Even Gump said, I got through about two hours of it. And it's interesting. So I put that on, and I kept falling asleep. And it's on YouTube.

So then it goes into another Alex Jones Joe Rogan and I had this fever dream sleep of that and I don't remember why this came up you say it for me not knowing what I was talking

about good job but yeah I got to listen to it and oh that's why talking about. Good job. But yeah, I got to listen to it and oh, that's why it came up. I feel like this is one of those podcasts because we tried to break it 20 minutes.

We did break and then we did our thank yous and then the Derek thing and now it's been an hour and a half. Well, to be fair, when was the last time that we got to podcast? I know. I told you guys whenever I walked in here, I was all excited because I'm like, I feel like I get to attend therapy. We've been excited since the fucking week he left.

I texted Stan Hope at one point. I was like, I need to podcast. I don't understand this. It was a week after Chaley left. It was the beginning of March where me and you and Gump were saying, yeah, we want a podcast. I was almost tempted to try to figure

out how your fucking gear works if you left here. It wasn't here. I took it to Alaska. Which if I tack on that horrible fucking shouting podcast that we did when you arrived in Alaska, this thing will be rogue in size. As it should be. It's an epic comeback podcast.

And Brett Erickson wants to, I don't know what we're going to do with that other one, but Brett Erickson and Andy, the one we did, the soundcheck podcast. I want to put that out because it is, I want to – I can't wait to edit it. I was just laughing. At one point, Andy just started steamrolling things like putting rubber bands on pigs' balls and my grandfather – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Andy, you can't just go and then just you have to slow it down pay it out a little bit we were all laughing so hard

that we had to figure out who was going to stop him because we were all like but he loved being reined in so that he could tell three coherent stories at one time I think is what it was I don't know what happened I hate to stop you but Derek Derek was leaving, but he can't see.

So where is he going? He's the only one that left. You're his ride. Stocks and Raider. Oh, is he? Oh, he's staying. All right, let's not. We'll get into that.

God knows what the fuck he's doing. But he's not driving. That's the good thing. So we've got Chuckleheads. You're doing the 18th and the 22nd. Just any dates that are on the website, call the venue. If we said it's sold out, it might be wrong. Except for Vegas is sold out, unless you live there,

and then there's probably people that won't show up. So if you're that dedicated that you're going to be like Fight Club and stand on the porch for two days. I need to say this, because this is how it's happened in the past when you've done shows in Vegas. If you have tickets and you can't go, don't call me. Don't email Doug. Just put it on Twitter, and people will be able to figure it out.

And it's always worked out in the past. I buried this so I wouldn't fixate on it, but you made me think of it. Some cunt emailed me after I said, hey, listen, it's going to be the same material. It's a special. I'm shooting the same material. And when I said that on a podcast before they were evergreen in February, he said, listen, I'm coming. I'm driving four hours.

I don't care how much you shit on me. It's important to see you. No, it's... I'm not going to give up my other tickets. He's like, in my face, no, I'm not. Fuck you. I bought tickets to both your shows when there was only two. I'm not going to give up one.

And you can shit on your fans all you want, but it's so important to me. No, it's not. You're going to not fucking get this. You're not going to laugh at the same jokes twice in a night. Unless you're completely developmentally disabled. Just don't shit on that guy in the special. Other people want to see the fucking show. He goes, unless you cancel my tickets.

And I go, you know what? I can do that. And then I stop myself. And if you're listening, which you are. Fuck you. Then just fucking give up those tickets. You're just going to see the same shit and you're stealing from fucking other people that want to see that fucking show you're a fucking cocksucker

but i will not cancel your tickets but i should but instead i buried you in the random folder you're a fucking random you You're a fucking nothing. Just fucking be magnanimous and give those tickets up. It's such a douchebag move. After spending some time with Andrus, we have decided that him and I might conjoin somewhere in Vegas

during this time on our own fucking venture. Do you want to say this? No, no. This is off air. There's no more buyers or remorse on this podcast. I'll tell you what. We had so much fun in Anchorage. I'd be a party to that.

Andrus was... This is how ridiculous Andrus was. He was having so much fun, and clearly, I don't even know a tenth of what he was doing. In front of the bouncers at Coots, we're sitting there on Saturday night. Chad, I don't know if you saw this.

We're sitting at the table at that main bar where we never went more than three tables in. I know what you're talking about. Bouncers at Coots are like the storm troopers. No shit. Polite. Yeah. And they don't know who the're talking about. Bouncers at Coots are like the storm troopers. No shit. Polite.

Yeah. And they don't know who the fuck I am. I'm not there anymore, right? Yeah, we're Persona non-noticed. We're Persona Grata, believe me. But I don't know what they know, right? Andrus comes fucking out of nowhere and comes up and he does this whole hacky thing where he goes, who says I have a drinking problem? And he throws a glass, not his

a drink, and throws it to the side of his head and ice and everything goes down and the guy could have touched his head with his nose, he was that close it was the head bouncer and I'm like, I don't know what I can do here. I don't know what I can do. And he just looked around.

Were you there? Absolutely. I was right there. He looked at Anderson and told him to pick that shit up. Is exactly what he did. Pick that ice up in all the sawdust. That's a fucking good... That's a great thing. And he dropped down and picked that shit up.

And he cleaned up a swath in the sauna. Oh, fuck yeah. That's how it gets changed. At this point, I am so happy to just hear the stories rather than, you don't remember that? You were there. You should have been there. No, fuck that. I've there. You should have been there. Fuck you. No, fuck that.

No, he's not. I've been there for a million years. If Doug could have been there, he would have. And that's the excuse I gave because it was true. I do agree with you. He's getting ready to do something. My last book, I have a chapter that I said, okay, this could be a whole book. Yeah.

But it should be theirs. But Turan doesn't fucking. Honestly, you know what? You showing up last minute. Next year? No, you know what? You showing up last minute... Next year? No, but if you would have showed up last minute, Kyle Kinane was the headliner. The Unbookables was a headliner show.

Michelle, Jessica Singleton, they were all headliners. That wasn't the focus. They were asking me to book you way in advance, but you had so much going on with this taping that it was going to be when it was. Everything went fine. Next year. Let's all go die at Chokey Charlie's next year together, channel.

We'll take a greyhound. That's where we go out. I'm telling you. We'll take a greyhound. That was what Andy and Anderson and I were texting afterwards because I found out on this trip, my dad I've always known, my dad has five acres of land in Alaska that's on a lake

and it's just called remote Alaska there's not an actual place of it. That's a term for something that doesn't have a name. Yeah. But I was joking with Andy, but while we were there, like, fuck it, let's just ditch our responsibilities that we have.

We did all right so far. Fuck it, let's just go back to it. I have, when I worked on the Man Show, I'd just buy stupid shit on eBay. So I have a lot, which is just a lot in chloride Arizona. Oh, shit, that's right. Every year when I do taxes, I have to pay like $13 of yearly property taxes. That could be our winter home. Chloride to remote.

Listen, it started off as a joke. And then I started talking about it on my Twitch channel with Fury, who is an agriculture specialist. So he would be able to help us grow crops on our property. And then Mike, who lives off-grid right now between here and where I live, out in the mountains of Bisbee, off like solar. And they're both like, fuck yeah, let's go. I'm like, oh shit, I didn't want this to be a real thing.

There's not, Doug. We were at a burger place and we were waiting and it was like this uncomfortable thing where we have to talk to each other and Chad pulls up this picture like this he pulls up this geomap thing

and you're fucking that land there's fucking nothing he bought his dad bought it in the 70's there's fucking nothing. His dad bought it in the 70s. There's fucking nothing forever. But there's a lake. I mean, you've got good land. You can get in there off a float plane, or you can go during the winter,

you can snow machine in across the Susitna River. Well, that's what I would do, obviously. Clearly. Based on my history. Virgin Atlantic does have one stop there. Now that we have a winter fucking compound, let's just fly in.

Fuck. That would be fun to go out. Because Alex, just Alex, was out in Alaska and he hosted one of the Dirty Bird shows and he actually took out, they fucking went out and did shit. He told me before he left.

I'm only coming up here one time. He goes, I'm going to spend money. You do some fucking shit with fucking bears you haven't talked about, so let's drag this out more. Yeah, why not? Well, what happened was we were at Coots they had a scavenger hunt and I go, if we fucking just

if we just enter into this scavenger hunt none of these comics are going to do shit and we'll win and Chad he'll get all the swag from the fucking because it's weed like the sponsors weed, Coots and all this stuff so what are we going to do

so we start I look at the list of things to do. It's a bunch of joke things. But then I'm going, oh, these are obtainable. We can do this. Here's an easy one. No one, fuck. We had like 180 points.

No one had any points. Because it was all shit. I wanted to go show Chad and the bratches anyway. So I got a car for one day, 100 bucks. We go up to Flat Top, and then we make plans for the next day. We're going to go do the animal sanctuary, wildlife sanctuary out in the Girdwood, right? But Wednesday night gets in the way. The Brechels.

Wednesday night into Thursday morning. The Brechels. Days get in the way. At the end of the night, they fucking hop in a car with our friends and go to their house. And they're texting us going, where are you guys? It's like, we're leaving going back to the fucking Airbnb. As we planned, we're leaving in the morning. And it's like, what the fuck?

And then they text, oh, Anders is here. So it's off the fucking rails right they're hot tubbing they're keep where are you guys no we're having breakfast meanwhile the only reason why shaley rented a van is because all of us were gonna go we could have rented a car we planned it we planned it so we go really were all there. We're all staying in one Airbnb. Chaley planned it. Everyone said, okay. We were tight.

I don't know. No, no, no. No, no. This was everyone. We all wanted to do it. Here's the thing. They all went as a group. The comedians all went on a sanctioned free tour bus ride over to this wildlife sanctuary the day before whereas we all woke up and go yeah

i don't think that's for us but then shaley goes do you want to rent a car for the next day and we'll go do it on our own and we're like fuck yeah we're for that everyone was fuck yeah yeah fuck yeah so then in the morning it's 11 in the morning am. Amy Andrus was the most fuck yeah. 11 in the morning, I wake up and I'm like, I don't know, man. I mean, I don't know. Because we went to late night dinner and we hung out. I think we went to bed at 8.

We went to bed at 8 in the morning. How many times, every single time Chad Shank says, yeah, tomorrow we're definitely going to do that. I'm so fucking pumped. At 11 in the morning. I was trapped in an Airbnb. At 11 in the morning.

I was sleeping on a four-foot couch. At 11 in the morning, I wake up and I go, Tracy, I don't know. And she's like, well, we'll see what happens. At 12.03. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? And I get up. And Chad goes.

We're like in a sub-basement thing. And there's these little windows. But the windows are under a deck. Chad goes. I think someone's knocking on the window. It was fucking Andy. At 12.03. And I said, we. It was fucking Andy at 12.03. And I said, we're leaving at 12.

At 12.03, he's on his hands and knees, crawling, knocking on a window, and then ran, ran away. The people are, for the listener, April in Alaska is mud. Unseasonably warm. Usually it is. So it's deeper mud. No, it was all fucking dry. Everything was dry and there was a little bit of ice and snow. And he's on his hands and knees, knocks on the window, and then leaves.

He ran to the back door. Ran to the back door, and I let him in. And that's when the bloody nose mouth thing happened. And we all went to the thing, and the Brechels had just gone to bed at like 10 or 11 in the morning. So there was no way. And then we went out, and we saw brown bears. We saw black bears. Oh, man.

Everything else pales in comparison. But it was fantastic. And Andy is a morning guy. Definitely. Definitely. Oh, I busted his balls so bad. One morning, I tried to lay down about 8 o'clock. Finally, I laid down.

And Andy was – I was sleeping on a couch in the living room. And Andy was in a cot across from me. So I laid down about 8 o'clock in the morning. And then, of course, I lay there and just fake sleep, which is mostly what we did there. Andy was like, we're all just faking sleep anyway. And I was like, yeah, you're right. So I fake sleep and then as soon as i started to actually enjoy my fake sleep and start to go to sleep and he wakes up but he doesn't just wake up he wakes up and turns on the tv yeah to cranks it up finds

and then he leaves and goes in the bathroom with the tv on then he gets in the shower, and this is a very compact place. He gets in the shower and sings at the top of his fucking lungs. Are you fucking shitting me? What's the song? Oh, I couldn't tell you because I was seething in anger. I was seething in anger

the whole time. So I lay down. That's your album title. He's in anger. He's in anger. So he gets done. He comes out. And I took a shower in the middle of the night just because, like I said,

it was tight circumstances. You got to jerk off somewhere. Yeah. No. Gentlemen. Be a gentleman. No, no, no. But it was warm when I got out.

And so I put on shorts and a tank top to go to sleep in. Andy was warm when he got out of his shower, too. So he opened the front door. So I'm sleeping on the couch going, I'm sleeping on the couch. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I look at Michael. Andy, you son of a bitch. You fucking turned on the couch and I'm like, what the fuck? And I look at Michael, Andy, you son of a bitch. You fucking turned on the TV and then you left.

And then you sang in the shower. And then you got out. And then you opened the fucking door, you son of a bitch. And I knew right then and there that Andy and Anderson and I should become roommates and live together. That's a fucking reality show. I would let you film every fucking second of it for the two weeks that it lasted. Every time we bring Andy on the road, it's like that. But I love it the same way you do. But he fucks up everything.

His act, the day, the night. Here's the thing. Then he disappears. He's got a different thing going because he's not hardly drinking when he does his act. That is true. And he's very concise on his comedy and good. And also. Well, that's because he was in Alaska where he's doing blow.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was before. Yeah. He was also me being with Andy is he's never has. There was supposed to be somebody that's supposed to be his handler. And then Andy. John Mink. John Mink.

And then Andy being his handler. I heard about this. But as far as having an Andy handler, Andy respects me. He told me already, he was like, yours is the only bag that I won't go through. Andy,

I don't know if it's fear. There's that other bingo. If it's fear or respect, I don't know what it is, but I know it's true. And it makes me the closest thing to a decent handler that Andy's ever had. I have to tell you, I've been on the road plenty of times with Andy. But I have to tell you, I woke up one day in Anchorage and I said, has someone been through my shit?

Seriously. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I fucked with Andy about going through my shit. And he was like, here's his only shit I would never go through. Now you say that. I know. I do believe it because I believe if he knows if I even suspected. Also, he knows that if I have anything at all,

he'd be the first person I would share it with because I love to fucking party and hang out with Andy. But he also knows that if I even suspected that he fucking disrespected my stuff, I'd probably murder him wherever the fuck he sat, which is a whole different thing than respect. Well, thanks for that. It's neat. You ever need me to hold anything for you?

Yeah. I'm going to hand it to you instead of putting it in the nightstand drawer. My bag is off limits, sir. It's better than the hotel safe. I have to fall down. I just get home. I have to do a show I don't remember from last year. That's tomorrow.

But you guys can keep doing the podcast. We're going to drink. I got to work the door at that show tomorrow. Oh, are you? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, Tracy's working the list. Right on.

Yeah. Tracy, me and you are partners then tomorrow. I'll be over early. I'll come over here early tomorrow. No, come here. Just come over here. Yeah. That's it.

I'll come over here early. 5 o'clock. 5 p.m. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Gump. G Gump you're with me I know you don't know how to make a bed so I have to go over with you

make some beds tomorrow at the comedy condo and you'll learn how to make a bed and you'll never learn who's gonna show you how to make a bed there's so many experienced gumps that are just fighting with their resume I can make a bed

I can make a bed stab in the heart every time he mentions gump gump grows on me all the time gump pisses away his fucking opportunity yeah but I love him more and more. I think that's endearing to Doug.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. What do you think? Doug's going to be endeared to a go-getter? Look at those hospital corners. How much did everyone hate fucking Derek when he was a fuck-up? Well, you know what?

No, he became a fuck-up. He was charming know what? No, he became a fuck-up. He was charming at first. No, he wasn't. No, I thought so. That's like the desert parties. No, we made him charming. Well, I mean... Him and Kenny would fucking gimp around this fucking place.

Like, you're not getting anything done. I told Derek in the early days, I'm going to charge you by the job or pay you by the job. Like most people do. Versus the hour because you fucking drag your leg. I know you can do better than this. He's still a fucking, Gump really doesn't know how to do a fucking thing. I don't think he knows how to make a bed. And tomorrow

we have to make the beds in the comedy condo. Can I just film it? I just want to film it. I want to write a book where I show the transition from Stan Hope in his early days of doing scam phone calls to where he has

become the mark. Just getting eight wrong. The evolution of man, where he goes up and he's standing up straight and then he goes back down. Just getting worked. We're waiting for you to end this, Doug. The emperor has no clothes.

I was going to let you guys end it. We're going to talk more about the stuff we can't talk about, Alaska. I would love to talk more. Off air. Next week, my new best friend, Catherine. I'll wait. Good tease. We talked to her off air last night.

She's totally in. She's in, yeah. Next week, we'll... Unfortunately, Valentino, they're perfect together. Yeah, she can't be here, but I bet she'll find a way to be here.

Oh, yeah? You're the matchmaker? Yeah. My new best friend, I think I talked about her on the last podcast. Only briefly. Briefly. No, it was after.

I called her on the phone afterwards. Let's be new best friends. That's all he said. She'll probably get so much shit for- Monday. She's a feminist and she goes and talks to colleges about being a feminist. I'm fucked up.

But they both don't drink, her and Valentina. They don't drink, her and Valentina. They don't drink. And I go, they're going out for coffee tomorrow. That's drinking. No, I go, oh, hey, tell her. Because my act. Oh, you're having Valentina warn her. Yes.

This is the first date thing this is the first do you take your first date there to scare them off or to steal them steal them I don't know if she can they take it yeah what's happening there

I never thought this podcast would turn into a soap opera but it has a novella I'm all for it she has a thing where she's a feminist. We agreed to be best friends in 15 minutes at the Tucson airport. And then it was funny. Then she probably Googled you.

No, she didn't. But when she gets on our podcast, her people will. on our podcast, her people will. I have a fucking 30-year history, 29-year history of things that, oh, he said this. Yeah. Some would say you have a history of being right, Stan Hope. No, but a lot of it is, hey, I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits.

She said, how are you going to make that feel good for me? I said, right before I come, I'll stop punching you in the face. That is a joke that I used as a... Well, it was funny in that year. I did put a... By the way, I cut that up. I put a laugh track in there.

I think it's funny now. You're welcome. Boy, Bing. We were doing sound check at an improv somewhere. I go, Tracy, go over and tell a joke. Nice. I used to use a shock value

short attention span joke. But there's other things I've said. Now you have Nazis. Good job, Stan. Hope you're happy with yourself. Well done. Hey! Cash at the door. Close this motherfucker!

Good to be home. Thank you so much for meeting me in Tucson, me and Tracy. Yeah, it's Good to be home. Thank you so much for meeting me in Tucson, me and Tracy. Yeah, it's great to be back. It's the end of the podcast as we know it. Nope. It's the... How does it close, right?

I guess. Gurgle. Okay, I'm stopping it. I guess I'm not stopping it. Let's give a round of applause for our... Do we need bar tweezers? I'm glad my drink is over here. What are you doing?

We ended this. I'm ready to hit stop. Stop. Hit stop. No, because I was going to. I'm ready to hit stop. Stop. Hit stop. No, because I was going to give shit to Raider and stop. No, I'm going to put the shouting podcast. Fucking Derek said, hey, can I bring Stocks and Raider? I go, we made this rule of no.

There's no fucking audience for the podcast based on Derek, Stocks, and Raider who don't laugh and they're bored. We walked my wife. My wife walked like a third

of the way. Derek walked. They don't care about the fucking podcast. They just sit there. They're fucking bored the whole fucking time. Didn't we start this podcast? Exactly. We come full circle. Yeah, we stopped.

But Derek wanted to say thank you for helping me with my fucking cataract thing. I want to say thank you for allowing me to see Derek do that Stevie Wonder move. It was fucking hilarious. I'll never forget it. Joby, on the last fucking call for, hey, help us get the last $365 for Derek.

So I did another thing for Derek you tweeted something and Joby said yeah I pitched in $100 or something under the name Stevie Wonder and that was before tonight

where everyone's doing Stevie Wonder so yeah goodnight And that was before tonight where everyone's doing Stevie Wonder. So, yeah. Good night. Good night. Thank you.