The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #311: Pt. 2 – Still Cycling with Kathryn Bertine and Kristen Becker

Episode Date: May 10, 2019

Part 2 – It's the morning after and Doug wraps up his sit down with Kristen Becker (Comic, Producer, Activist) and Kathryn Bertine (Olympic Cycling hopeful, Author, Activist). Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List [at https://www.dougstanhope.com/](http://at https://www.dougstanhope.com/)All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates) Recorded April 28, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kathryn Bertine (@KathrynBertine), Kristen Becker (@beckercomedy), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byStanhope Store Merch - New online – the official Stanhope Shot Glass, a Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED with a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -Kathryn Bertine – HomeStretchFoundation.org - https://www.kathrynbertine.com/Kristen Becker – SummerOfSass.com - [https://www.kristenbecker.com/](https://www.kristenbecker.com/)The only place for comedy in Bisbee - [http://Chuckleheadsaz.com](http://Chuckleheadsaz.com)Subscribe to Chad's Twitch channel at [http://www.twitch.tv/hd_fatty](http://www.twitch.tv/hd_fatty)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast projects program foundation whatever all right and you're on. All right. Hey, it's the morning after podcast. We call part one cycling together. Oh, ladies, I get it. And cycling. And cycling, yeah. I love it. I was like, I don't have a bike, but all right.

Not yet. Not yet. Just you wait. Will you do that? Do you want to train me to make it in the olympics hell yes absolutely oh my god this is a gold mine is there still softball because i mean that's it's coming back is it yeah 2020 i missed that window like i was too young and then it happened after i was already a drunk comic. Oh, no, no, no.

We were talking about trans sports, and we never got to steroid stuff, and I don't want to get into it because I want to get into Becker's projects. Which is trans stuff, so that's fine. That's a good segue. Steroids, would you be okay with a steroid league? I know it's bandied about as a joke, but I think you... I mean, is it a set amount? Is it like when they do the BAC, right?

You have to hit this amount? Yes, I'm totally fine with a steroid league as long as everybody involved... Just do any drugs you want. Oh, any drugs. That's fine. I think that's hilarious to see what might happen if that were. If people are willing to destroy their bodies for the sport, there should be a separate league for that.

I think you should start that league. And then the clean league would eventually be like the AFL where they merged. Once they were competitive, they merged the leagues. I'm on board. I'm on board. I'm on board. I'm into it. I think that should happen. I just thought that because when you said you and the Olympics, I thought, oh, there's a Smokers Olympics.

I thought of you playing softball with a cigarette dangling out of your lips. Fuck. A UPS jersey. I used to have a Rug Doctor shirt. It was my fucking favorite saddle uniform two of my favorite things what's uh so good morning good morning good goodness holy shit that was a thing that that was a night. That woman was dead in the front row. Oh my God. That was fascinating.

You handled that so well. You did. Well, I had a bit that describes her almost perfectly and I'm like, I'm going to have to do this bit in front of this woman. She was probably 90 years old and her eyes were closed almost the entirety

of my set. And she's as front row center as you can be in that room. But not only eyes closed, but like mouth gaping open too. It wasn't just a normal nap. She was out. I was amazed at her posture for being fully out. It reminded me of,

we were driving back from Boise and I stopped this, this animal sanctuary. And I go, Tracy, what's that horse doing? She's all, oh, he's sleeping. I go, how can you tell? He just stands there like frozen. And that was that lady. She was as if it was a snapshot, but her eyes were totally shut.

She wasn't leaning back on the chair. Her back was off of it, but totally frozen in position like a horse in a field. She's been training for this moment. I'm used to that with people passing out in my audience from being shit-faced. But then you can fuck with them. You can't fuck with a 90-year-old lady. And I assume daughter, her kinfolk, I don't know, her carer. That was the lady's like, are you serious?

I go, what? About those pants? That was the opening heckle from her. And that's when I realized the lady beside her is an elderly woman that might be dead. Maybe that woman's always annoying. And so her friend pretends to be dead. Because she's embarrassed of her friend yelling at people every time they fucking walk on stage. dead maybe maybe that woman's always annoying and so their friend pretends to be dead because she's embarrassed of her friend yelling at people every time they fucking walk on stage

oh fuck horse nap play dead yeah the one sitting next to the lady who's napping um she didn't it's like the person who got dragged to a show I didn't see her laugh once and she was just I couldn't tell if there's four people at that table and I think two of them I think they sat two couples together they didn't know each other

it was sold out so anywhere there was a seat someone paid for it so they had to put people together that makes sense now because the other two people were having fun and then they were the sour puss and the sleeping for it so they had to put people together that makes sense now because the other two people were having fun and then they were the sourpuss and the sleeper yeah I recognize the guy at the table but I can't remember where

I didn't want it anyway Kristen Becker activist fuck you I realized you are going to be in town on the same day katherine uh bertine is still with us uh and what's still alive we won't let her leave we almost lost her but when i i go oh that that's a great pairing on the podcast and then when i looked at your website uh said activist i guess you're fucking

doing some other shit well you can't dyke jokes it's it's both it's we're using dyke jokes to for the good of humanity uh yeah so you know we did the tour i did the loosen the bible belt tour with um tammy faye baker's kid jay baker he's a preacher and when we were going through the deep south uh there was an article in the shreveport times where i went to high school and it was this kid's story about how he had to graduate high school early um and it was right around my 20th high school reunion and i think that's what fucking did it like that i went back to my hometown it was 20 years later and on the front page of whatever section this kid's telling my story 20 years later right and it's like i gotta do something right i go back to p-town and there's visa issues and worker shortages right like they because american teenagers don't

fucking work anymore so provincetown if if you don't know is at the very end of cape cod in massachusetts and it's a primarily gay yeah it's a it's a gay beach destination escape yeah escape and and um so huge 50 000 people every week in the summer, right? Like huge tourist destination. So I have to import workforce for the summer. And I just thought, well, why aren't we taking these kids from the South who are making seven bucks at a McDonald's, right? And you bring them up here and they're going to make 12, 15, and they're going to feel great about themselves. But most importantly, they're going to have the opportunity to not be the freak of their town or whatever, right? Like if, if you're a trans kid in small town, Texas, then everybody kind of looks at you

and you just don't know how to, you don't have room to figure yourself out. And so I just threw up an email and, or like on the, the Facebook community, Provincetown community space. I'm like, Hey, does anybody have a room that they were going to rent? And if so, can I bring a kid up here and put it in it? And that's how it started. And then the second year we got a $25,000 grant. And so we bring the kids up and we help them with flights and we set them up with job interviews. And then once they're there, they start paying rent like the third week. You ever get some hillbilly kids

faking gay for 15 bucks an hour? here's the thing i don't fucking care and that's the key like on the you don't make them prove it no that's that's that's the thing is like every fuck all my right all my girlfriends are with dudes right now right like it's all a spectrum man you know and these kids like get put into these little boxes and when they're like 18 19 and and i tell them like i don't care what you could be a dugger at the end of this like i don't fucking care right like i just we we uh we're our tagline is what better looks like right because people are like it gets better it gets better it gets better but like what is that like these kids need a visual i grew up in shreveport and i had no idea p-town existed you know until i was like 30 and just seeing you know if you're from a town where they tell you oh you're queer and you're

gonna like max out as manager at the dollar general right because it's the only fucking place that'll hire you you go to this place and you know there's million dollar beach homes owned by gay people and they're like oh wait we are actually wildly successful with shit to prove so like uh so as we did we got a grant the second year and uh now i'm getting an executive director because i don't know how to fucking run a not-for-profit i have no business doing this right but it was an idea that i had to just see if it would work and it's really like the kids are doing great the name of it so the name of it is summer of sass um sos right when you're distressing and uh and yeah we're um we're just launched a campaign to try and buy a house in P-Town.

We've got a couple of people who are kind of interested in there being a legacy. I smell reality show. You know, the first year, Vice did an article, and they were like, what about? And I was like, no. That defeats the purpose of what we're trying to do, right? Yeah, there's not enough conflict here. Everyone's getting along. Did they create some conflict? Oh, there's not enough conflict here. Everyone's getting along. Did we create some conflict?

Oh, there's like, you know, it's funny. It's year, we're going into year three. They buy the house next year and bring the redneck bullies up to live next door. Jersey Shore. They just import. Pauly D and Vinny move in next door. They're a little gay. Pauly D and Vinny move in next door they're a little gay Pauly D and Vinny

but you know to your point like I don't however they identify I tell them like just know that the place you're coming to is real fucking gay

right like you can be whatever just know that and it's really it's it's it's been a game changer

for a lot of the kids and now they're staying they're coming up and they're like staying year round and moving into town and so we're kind of it's this and it's been a game changer for a lot of the kids and now they're staying they're coming up and they're like staying year round and moving into town and so we're kind of it's this and it's you know peatown's where the pilgrims first landed it's not plymouth they landed in provincetown you've been lied to they were just terror they were awful in provincetown like they couldn't they couldn't find water so they failed so like when they wrote the american history books they

just left that fucking part out of like the five weeks they were here failing and starving and whatever but um no idea yeah yeah it's real and uh and it's i just assume they moved there and they were all gay so they didn't procreate they have to wait for straight ones to go to plymouth but it's also like stays themselves up one generation it's uh it's you know it's the same thing that's happening all across the country is happening there right like the second homeowners rich folks are coming in and we make them gay too and they're buying stuff and so and that the year-round artist community that was there like it was very much a you know the crazies went to the tip of the cape and made their shit you know i i feel like bisbee has a similar like you go far away from everybody else and and you make your stuff and so kind of there was some gentrification

starting to happen and so the the other thing because gay people didn't make babies to your point and so it's an aging population that's that's dying out when now there's not a need to necessarily escape there's more places you can escape to right so this also is kind of helping us resurge our year-round community and like the artist community and have a foothold there instead of it just kind of dying out and becoming nantucket you know martha's vineyard no offense to them are these kids all applying from um treveport in the louisiana area or is it from throughout the it's from wherever um and it's actually outside it's now just anywhere oppressive i mean the reality is small town how do you find them so um when because of the tour i had a network of not-for-profits and activist groups through the south that i had

worked with we partnered with on the tour so i just shot an email out and then uh got the first few participants and then uh now we have uh it's been them telling their friends sort of thing and then this the we have a new kid coming this year i don't want to use his name because he's figuring out how much he's telling people but his doctor actually wrote me his uh psychologist wrote me a lovely letter and was like this kid just needs a chance to to not have people looking at him and calling him fag and and he was like they they were calling me fag before I even knew I was fag. You know, he's like, I, you know, and that's the other thing is like, you don't even fucking know, right?

Like, I don't, I just want them to know we make, our goal is to make happy, healthy humans. We meet them where they are. We help them get where they're going and wherever the fuck that is. It's not my business where they're going. How dare you? How fucking dare you stop playing god an organization going down and recruiting kids who are gay we've heard about this

we've heard about this for years and they deny it but see that's what they're doing and listen when it's kind of human trafficking yeah we do buy their ticket one way and keep their passports that's a call back you're like a professional uh it's you know it's funny when i first launched it there was definitely those people and there were some of them were old gay guys who were like oh you better watch out you know and it's like yeah well those people are everywhere like and also how much do you hate yourself that you believe the lies that you've been told about your own community right like everybody's a fucking but what are you talking about man like and then they're they're everywhere this is just a little bit of a prettier place to have them and you know people wear costumes and dress up and the freak flag is reminds me of a

key west it's very similar it's like it's where the boardwalk hits the ocean it seems to be like a like kind of a destination for people like i don't want to it's not just gay it's it's for people of creative types yeah people you know who don't give a fuck yeah and i think there's something you know the water's real healing right like you get i know a lot of people show up there just to get the fuck away. Whenever you ended up in Bisbee for a reason, right? Just get the fuck away. The water, but you got here and it wasn't here.

Yeah, no, no. They drained the pool. The water being healing, but then also you just kind of get away from the frenetic of the rest of it. And I think P-Town's good for you. I went there when we were kids. It was probably 10 or 12, the only time we went there. And at Massachusetts back then, a two-hour drive was,

that's, you packed a fucking cooler. Yeah. It was an event. Yeah, and there's still not much on the way out there. You know, like you still have to like bring your supplies with you. But yeah, now a two-hour drive is just to the airport. It's a two-hour, nothing. to the airport. Two hours is nothing.

But as a kid, just going to Boston, 38 miles from Worcester, mom would pack sandwiches. Yeah, yeah. Going all the way to Boston. 45 minutes. It's fucking crazy how... Wait, in one day? Yeah, it's still...

In one day? That's why New England comics can work and never leave New England, because people don't leave their own towns. They still have that mentality. Like, oh, you're playing Worcester? When are you going to play Boston? Like, come on. We're adults now.

It's 45 minutes. I'm going 90% of the way. Meet me at home. But yeah, comics can work just a circuit in Massachusetts because people will wait for them to come to Framingham or right yeah yeah oh man maybe no Framingham oh there it is

that was a way of the last night because that kid I want to say creepy but he's your friend the Tammy Faye Bakers kid he had a reality show for a minute yeah that's how I found him that's how so I had gone through show for a minute. Yeah, that's how I found him. That's how. So I had gone through. I did.

He's like a preacher? He's great. Is he gay? No. Oh. No. And he's great. And it blew my mind, truthfully.

I did a tour. I wrote a blog. And then the Louisiana Democratic Party picked it up. And they were putting a non-discrimination act before the Louisiana State Senate. And they asked me if I would come down. They just liked the tone that I hit with. And they're like, can you come express this to these people? I was like, well, yeah, but I'm fucking broke, so I got to do a tour.

So we did a tour. We called it Background the Bayou. I gave them a portion. I just did like five shows in the state in awareness. And what I realized is that while I was going through these towns, I can't argue Bible. I fucking can't. I can tell you I'm a a real whole human and there's nothing wrong with me, but like,

I can't speak your language to, to debate you. And then I realized like, I need a straight white dude to justify my fucking existence. So I went and found one. Um, and he, there's a clip of him.

He had some free time. Yeah. Yeah. He has a free time. There was a, there was a clip of him in a there's a documentary called one punk under god that followed him around yeah and i watched that uh randomly in february i was snowed in and seasonally depressed and like just like he got it from the library and watched

it and he's at a he's at an african-american church in atlanta and this is you know 20 years ago um at the cusp of the gay marriage movement and he's preaching and they're loving it and they're hooting and hollering. And like, and then he says, and that's why I'm for gay marriage. Like fucking all of the oxygen out of the room in this primarily African-American church. And he just stopped and then he just went for it. And then he quoted Martin Luther King. And he's like, I don't understand people who have been oppressed, like wanting to oppress others.

And like, I was like, that guy's got fucking fortitude, right? Like, like I know what that moment feels like. And then he just went. And so I just shot him a tweet. I tweeted,

I was like, I like the cut of your jib. That's what I did. I tweeted that at him. And then we had some conversations later and we ended up meeting in, in DFW airport. And we got in a van together for three weeks with Samantha Ruddy, who's a comic, and another musician, Sarah Rose, from New Orleans. And we started driving around.

And he preaches, like actually preaches the love of Christ, and then I do dirty fisting jokes afterwards. Like it's really – you want to be a better comic, follow a preacher. It's really – it'll really make you. And so that's – yeah, there he is. He looks familiar, Doug. Did he have a reality show or am i maybe it was a docu-series yeah it was like a six episode docu-series and uh he really you know his he's a incredibly kind caring loving man like it's really with a lot of mental health issues right now. Was he adopted? No. No.

No. See, here's the thing. Here's the thing, though. His mom. Assholes. His dad. His mom was great. Like, if you go back to her real history after they split up, like her and Ron Jeremy are good friends.

Like, they were in the surreal life together and like ended up sharing. the surreal life together and like ended up sharing so his mom was the first person to have a gay man with aids on her talk show without like wearing a mask yeah right like that like no but like really there's she's an icon in the queer community because she even though yeah i mean it's very jesus based and yes they i mean we all know she looks like a fucking female impersonator yeah you know and and that's something that like be i'll also tell you that it changes your perspective when you're with her kid right like when when you're when you're with somebody and you know he sees he can't stand the i ran into tammy faye at the mall shirts he's like well he was like 14 when those came out right and he was i don't. So it would just be like smeared makeup.

And it would say, ran into Tammy Faye at the mall, right? And I remember him telling me, he's like, you got to understand, I was 14 and that was my mom and I love my fucking mom. He's like, I wanted to beat everybody's ass who had that shirt on, right? His dad's another story. His dad's on TV right now. Oh, yeah. Selling MREs in a bucket. Selling fucking MREs in a bucket.

And like $60 pancake survival mix and shit like that right and it's something that you know um i'm hoping to eventually see if they're gonna have a conversation i mean they they talk and and it's almost like you can tell that his dad is proud of him but his dad is so ingrained in a machine that he'll never financially ever be able to get out of that he's always going to be that guy. You can see that he knows it's probably not the right fucking thing. And it's...

And that didn't queer him off? Well, I don't want to say... It's not televangelism, but evangelism. Jay? The kid's still going around preaching started revolution what no the kid preaches the crit he he should read his book he actually doubts regularly like in his writings and in his in his speaking like he's like this is how i raised and i've studied the scripture back and

forth and and i go in and out of of what what i'm believing right now and he's examines it and the thing i like the most is that he absolutely leads with love. Like he really fucking takes people as they are. And for me, when I started it, I have a lot of friends who are Christian and gay in the South. And they've spent the last decades being told their shit. And so to be able to bring someone to them who speaks their language. I was just going to say that. The way you said speaks their language. I was just going to say that. The way you said speaks their language.

If you can take their language and go, okay, well, the Bible says it this way. All right, I know the Bible's bullshit, but since they think the Bible's real, let's make it okay for them. Yeah, and that's one of the things I say to the audience because my audience comes too my audience comes too to hear my jokes and they're very different than his audience right and that's the point is to get him in the same room but i always say to him i was like well uh in my audience's defense at least you guys know lesbians exist like he's like you know it's a real thing like for as much as you might hate my fisting jokes they're listening to this guy preach about jesus here at a comedy show so like it's an equal exchange of does he try to make it funny uh no no no you try to write jokes for him um no but he's getting funnier like the more he's with us and like he's getting he's definitely like

finding his own stride and um we had a film crew follow us the last time we had like a six person crew there's this kid in buffalo who's a producer who just like fucking paid a whole bunch of people and put him in a van and followed us around. So I actually wanted to talk to Bingo about using some of her music because I think it would fit the... Oh, I did talk to you. You're here. Hi.

Yeah, because I feel like her album just fits. There's a little religious... I don't know. I really... When we were listening to it on the way here, I was like, oh shit, I emailed the producer. I was like, we should fucking listen to this because it would be a great backdrop, your spiritual one. So, yeah, those are the things. And the tours, people need a little shot in the arm.

We preach to the choir in New Orleans and Austin, and then we go to Decatur, Alabama, where we played a CrossFit gym. Wow. Yeah, we played a CrossFit gym because they. Yeah, we played a CrossFit gym because they were the only people that would have us, and they had some queer members in their gym, and they wanted to be supportive. And what was it, Megan?

They had left. The two CrossFit gym owners had left their... Get on the mic. There's a mic here for you, Meg. She knows this story better than I do. Megan, last name. DePonzo. Very funny last night, by the way.

Oh, thank you very much. You weren't part of the show, but you were the after show here. Very funny last night, by the way. Oh, thank you very much. You weren't part of the show, but you were the after show here. She got jumped into the gang. Yeah. It was great. Yeah, you did good. You did good. It was fun.

Yeah, they actually contacted me. They're the two owners of CrossFit gyms across the towns. That's a chain? CrossFit gym? Yeah, it's like a gang. You lift tires. you throw shit around. You get abs, I guess. It's franchises.

You get your own franchise. Every town has to have one. It's like auto shop in high school. Yeah, right? I guess if you guys get paid in free memberships, you haven't spent it yet. We wanted to do CrossFit, but the town was angry at us. Yeah, they were mad. We had to get in and get out.

Like, it was, but yeah, so they contacted us that, um, they had left their partners and they had decided to start dating each other. So they're already the town sinners, right?

Like, they call themselves the town sluts. And so they wanted to show, throw the show because they had members of their CrossFit that were gay and they wanted to show support. And then day of the show, they're telling us, well, they had so many people say they couldn were gay and they wanted to show support and then day of the show they're telling us well they had so many people say they couldn't come but we're messaging them but like and then they couldn't come but couldn't come because wait hold on couldn't come because they couldn't be seen there like sending messages saying we support what you're doing but

you know we can't be seen there so good luck i hope but they but they couldn't use the preacher as a as they're out well that's what we thought but like there's still this idea that we're promoting homosexuality and like now he's not a real preacher right because he's obviously you know it's it's um it was crazy and they lost members i think yeah they lost three members uh they that quit going to the gym because they had this event to be clear this is 2018 like i just want to be clear that this wasn't a decade ago. This was in November. And so we go to New Orleans and Austin and we suck up all the goodness and we just kind of drop it and Decatur is like,

here are some good vibes from Austin. They love you. Oh, you know what's cool though? So this last tour, Jay was in the hospital. He was in a mental hospital. He had a bit of a breakdown and he talks about that very openly and so we started looking for guest pastors on the road because i always have guest comics and it never fucking occurred to me like why of course i need to be elevating the voices locally so that way people have whatever right it's there's a whole

diy circuit of pastors they're no different than comics man like with you're telling the truth the church doesn't want you there and they fucking kick you out, even if you're a pastor. And so you've got all these guys who are like trying to preach love and unity and the church is like, no, no, no, that's not our agenda. Get the fuck out. Right. And it was so interesting to me to see. And you can tell how long they've been doing it, but they're reaching, right? Like the first guy has been a pro and he's been doing it for years. And then we had this girl who'd only been preaching for like three years i'm like oh she's a three-year pastor like you can just just judging him like you're a middle yeah you're a middle middle act you're an open mic master if you know any uh uh diy uh preaching love love Jesus pastors that have been kicked out of the nest, please contact Kristen Becker.

Yes, please. Both of your Twitters. Becker Comedy. Becker Comedy. And I'm at Katherine Bertine. And that's K-A-T-H-R-Y-N Bertine, B-E-R-T-I-N-E. Yo, Bingo gave you a bike to auction off for your foundation, Douglas.

I'm wondering what you're going to give me to auction off for my foundation. It's right on the wall, right behind you. Can I auction off the crucifix for Summer of Sats? Yes, it's yours. Take it off the wall and give it to her. Hooray! Forget where that came from.

I need a picture of you holding it close to your heart, though. In fact, whoever gave that to me just mentioned it again. But it's Jesus on a crucifix with this big, giant cock hanging out. Wow, that's so detailed. That's unrealistic even for Jesus. That's unrealistically this is how gay i am i didn't notice the cock until you pointed it out to me and it's giant and it's all cock yeah it's all all cock jesus so there you go we'll see i'll bring that back to my board oh we've got a competition. It's on.

I like it. I like it. So, and you'll keep us updated as to when the auction happens? Absolutely. We will get that up and running this week. So in a few days, I will be putting that out on social media, on Homestretch Foundation, on my stuff, for sure. Yeah, actually get with me, because I want to make sure that the podcast that we talk about

it, maybe wait a little bit. Absolutely, we'll wait until the podcast is up. Yeah, then we can push it and we'll push it on Twitter and social medias and all that. Absolutely. We're just talking about your books. The two I have

are The Road Less Taken and As Good As Gold. And we were just talking at breakfast. Are you going to do audio versions? Audible. Hey, audible.com. That would be so awesome. I don't have anything audio for the first two, even three books.

The first book was on the elephant skating days that we talked about. And all three of those don't have anything audio. And I'm still working right now on the next book, which is what we talked about a little bit at breakfast today. And it's pretty interesting. I'm getting a lot of pushback. And this is my fourth book. And my agent's having a hard time finding a publisher for it because the publishers are like, oh, a book about equality, that's not going to sell. That's not going to go anywhere. When has the market been more ripe for that?

I know, like this is the only, yeah, this is perfect timing. Exactly. And I think they're in that antiquated thinking of like, well, we haven't seen books on equality and activism, so we have nothing to measure that by. And I'm sitting there like, great, now I have to drop in like vampires and activism. So we have nothing to measure that by. And I'm sitting there like, great, now I have to drop in like vampires and zombies. Right, right, right, right, right.

Cycling zombies. Get a real cause. Yeah, I know, right? No, so I'm hoping. I do have my fingers crossed that the right publisher or the right Audible. Audible, we're big fans. Might be out there. I mean, you've got enough.

You can record it down here. We recorded ours right here at the Funhouse. Did you? That would be amazing. No. Oh, that's fine. That would be amazing. That would be so much better than printing out paper copies and driving around in my used Prius trying to sell them out around the world. That would be better.

With four books, it seems like maybe you just haven't knocked on the right door because it's no skin off their nose to accept the audio recording and then publish it. Agreed. It just increases their portfolio of everything. That's what I'm hoping. Yeah, you should get as many rejections from publishers as you did from countries when you tried to get them.

It's getting close to the same number about like 186 right that's uh saint kits press presents that's fantastic oh they'll play a role in that for sure too you know they're part of the whole reason that i still was able to keep going in cycling and keep seeing all the inequality out there so it's really interesting how many of those doors opened. And it really all came from the last book, which happened because of the first book. You know, so it's that ongoing part. You'd think like maybe some of those-

It'll happen. It'll happen. Okay. Thank you for your faith. I so appreciate that. Bruce, Bruce. Bruce, audible. Don't worry, they're listening.

Hey, Bruce. Bruce, come on. Don't worry, they're listening. Hey, Bruce. Hey, call me. And maybe you won't... Well, with the audiobooks, you don't have to worry about your face being on the cover. We were complaining about that. With my first book, I had posing with a shovel,

and it's really stupid, and I was against it, but that's what they wanted. I know. Second one, I got out of fucking having my picture on the cover. It was good. But you should have your picture on the cover. You're cute. Oh, thank you.

But that is very nice. When you said they had a Frankenstein on As Good As Gold, her head is from a different picture and the body's... Oh, that one, yeah. But when you said they Frankensteined the photo, I thought, oh, wait, you don't have those abs? Okay, it is technically me. It's just two different photos because, you know... Once from when I was 15 for the body.

You know how we all do the weird thing like we don't smile or one eye is droopy and photos right so it took a gazillion pictures until they got one where i was actually looking right at the camera and the other one where my body wasn't doing weird things and they had to put that together i have to give a shout out to patrick bore, who is a comedian and he also works sec, you know, a second job in graphic design. And so that's who ESPN hired to make the cover. And, um,

I thank him for that. Was he funny on the shoot? He was totally awesome. He was very, very funny. And, and he was kind to, you know,

to actually come up with this design as opposed to something that, um, I don't know, could have been really bad it's good so thanks patrick i still can't get over the figure skating part i don't think that's fair like speed fine but not grace too do you know what i mean like you shouldn't be able to have both of those things you should either be fast or graceful not fucking i have to tell you about this cover oh thank you thank you so see how the first cover book uh well they're both the same but one

is the audio not audio um all the sundays yet to come all the sundays yet to come yes that was the first one and what's interesting we're talking about photos of the and how much the publishing industry tries to do what they think is right so the first book uh it's about my journey in pro cycling which is all during my adult years And there's content in there that's definitely not applicable to kids. But the photo that they wanted to put on this book, original. Wait, you mean skating? You mean skating. Sorry.

You said cycling. Damn it. I fell on my head. So yes, definitely. Thank you. I didn't even catch it. Yeah. So all the things that, what they wanted to put on the cover of All the Sundays Yet to Come

was a picture that i had of myself as a nine-year-old child and i was dressed up in a pinocchio costume so i'm a little girl who looks like a little boy there's a fucking pattern here with the weird costumes i know i know but that's okay when you're a kid and you're in a you know an ice show that that part was okay but it was so weird so basically if you can think about pinocchio's costume was red and yellow and so little brown wanted to put this this photo on the cover and it made it look like a children's book and that's not good because that book is filled with like alcohol drinking drugs um eating disorders all this stuff like that's elephants

elephants chickens roosters skating all right? It's not good. So I said, no, you can't use that. But why do you want to use that? And they said, well, because red and yellow are the highest grossing colors in sales.

Jesus. McDonald's. Right. Yep. And I said, no. And I was 24, 25 at the time that the book was being published.

And I said, you know, you know, you can't use that photo. It sends the wrong message and it isn't the right thing. And I think that was part of the reason I stood up for that. And I think that's part of the reason that I wasn't represented in the future from Little Brown.

They did not like that I said, you can't use that photo. I don't think you could use Pinocchio either because that's a license. That's copyright. Maybe. And they went with this, which is tasteful. Oh, that's exactly why. Yeah, it is. You told them no. I said no. Right? You're in your place. You gotta love the faith of your publisher where they go, look, I don't know what's in between the cover,

but on the cover we need yellow and red. Oh, even better. I don't give a shit what's in there. Right? And in that photo, I'm this little kid and I'm wearing ice skates in the photo and the guy who made this decision looked at the picture and just saw the red and yellow and said no you know if we put this on the cover every dancer is gonna buy this book and like those those aren't dance shoes like he was so focused on the red and yellow and yeah that'd be a fun freakonomics uh statistic is how many books get bought and never read i can tell you i i'm maybe at uh three percent of the books i ever bought i actually read yeah i keep thinking i'm gonna

read them one day that's why I still have them, right? One day I'm going to have them all the time. Then you watch a binge of Hoarder's Marathon and all that shit goes to the thrift store and then you start buying them again. Or you get them for gifts. It seems like every breakup I start over with a new book collection

and just leave them. A couple bags. I don't need anything else. You should just start buying books that your partner likes. Thank you. You're right. I should just buy what I need to buy books. I should just think of them.

You get that, I get the cat. All right, let's wrap this up. Get you the hell out of town. Get your bike loaded in the truck. Yeah. Get these gals off to Tucson. You plug dates. Let's see.

What do we got? We got JT and I are going out May 14th. Habersat and I are going May 14th through 18th like Erie, Buffalo, Montreal. Nice. And then I've got the Feel Good Cabaret in New York City May 2nd actually before then. That's our big fundraiser in New York that we're doing at the Stonewall Inn. And Samantha Ruddy and some other great New York comics. And I'm going to host it.

And probably some drag. We'll have all the links on the site with the podcast when it comes out. A pleasure. And her newest book. The Road Less Taken is Catherine Bertine's latest. And it's

CatherineBertine.com. And you are? KristenMikker.com. KristenMikker.com or SummerOfSass.com. All right. Thank you. You're the best, Stan Hope. Thank you.

Thank you. I feel my period coming on. I feel my period coming on. Thank you.