The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #312: Ben Gleib for President SwapCast

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

It's a SwapCAST with Ben Gleib (American actor, comedian, satirist, and writer) who is running for president. Doug met up with Ben on the day he officially announced his candidacy for the the President of the United States to discuss the issues, standup comedy and why everyone might be afraid of Marc Maron. The threshold to qualify for the Democratic debate is just 65,000 donations. Even just $1 from you and 64,999 of your closest friends will put a regular person on that debate stage. Chuck A Buck to Ben Gleib for President – [www.gleib2020.com](http://www.gleib2020.com)Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/All current Tour Dates available at [https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates](https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates) Recorded May 13th, 2019 at a motel in Oxnard, CA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Ben Gleib (@bengleib). Produced by Carmel and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). This episode is sponsored by[Postmates](https://postmates.com/) - For a limited time, receive $100.00 of free delivery credit for your first SEVEN days. To start your free deliveries, download the Postmates app and use code “DSP”. [https://postmates.com/](https://postmates.com/)Stanhope Store Merch - New online – the official Stanhope Shot Glass, a Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED with a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - h[ttp://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](ttp://www.dougstanhope.com/store/)LINKS -Chuck a Buck to Ben Gleib for President – [http://www.Gleib2020.com](http://www.Gleib2020.com)We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org) Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - [https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant](https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

That's bad. Negative energy. Lost arms. That's closed off. Yeah, closed off. Here we go. That's negative. That's anti-Brody Stevens. We going? Ben Gleib, how do we do this? This is simple. What we need, $65,000. A buck a piece. A buck a piece buck a piece 65 000 people i end up on the debate stage the democratic debate stage that easy there's two spots left doug stanhope and i are about to podcast and talk all about why you should give me a dollar or two to get me on that debate stage but that's all we need or just one guy with 65 grand. No, that doesn't count. It needs to be 65,000 individuals. Oh, okay. But just a dollar at Glebe2020.com.

Glebe2020.com. 65,000 individuals. And then we see if our democracy is real or not. If it's really a government by people or not. Now, we have a comic. In the mix. In the conversation. In the mix. In the conversation. In the presidential race. And all of us, other comics that maybe you heard of, will be Karl roving him.

Dick chaining him. Yep, the best strategy. We'll hold the fucking puppet strings. Best ideas and the worst ideas possible will be filling in his head. We'll tell him what his ideas are, as far as he knows. That's exactly right. I'm not even sure what that meant, and I'm on board. All right. Let's do it. Should we start? Let start let's go all right grab a seat in your own room you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast

all right oh no it's not on i did not do. Didn't even think about it. You're a smart person. What's her name again? Just close and open it again. Carmel. Carmel. I remembered. It's good where you want it. I don't know. You can go as tight as you want where you keep our heads in.

I'll be like, this may be my instillation. We won't move around a lot. It's not a Sebastian Maniscalco podcast where I have to. He's my new favorite comic to hate, by the way. Oh, yeah? Because it was a turn. Well, he's like a new Dane Cook. Dane Cook in the day was hated for having zero content,

but all sorts of physicality. And Maniscalco, he's got a punchable face dane cook's face there's nothing wrong with it as a candidate for president you probably have no opinion on either of these matters why could ben gleib be the president of the United States? This is the Doug Stano podcast swap cast with the last week on Earth podcast all together at once. If you don't know how swap casts work, we coined the term, and I don't know why everyone doesn't do it. If you're two comics that both have a podcast, it's one podcast. Yeah.

You put it out on both your networks. Instead of I'm like, come do mine and we'll schedule three weeks from now when I have to now drive to you and it's everybody's life. And we're going to say the same shit to each other. Same shit. And I have to promote it twice? Although that is a question.

How do we promote? Do we only promote our own? Yeah, just put it out. Promote your own. We just say Swapcast. Love that. Sounds dirty, but it's not. We're also in a hotel room very put it out. Promote your own. We just say Swapcast. Love that. Sounds dirty, but it's not. We're also in a hotel room very close to a bed.

With your wife. Our wife. I like to think of her. She's my girlfriend. Let's slow your roll a little bit. It's the same thing. Your wife, my girlfriend. We're a cult.

We're a commune. I like that. You are my presidential candidate. Yes, sir. Going right with it you're in the blind as they say in poker if however many years ago you said i don't even say his name that guy could be president yeah go no way so why can't ben glebe be president it's a very strong question i say his name i don't like to capitalize the letters of his name when i write it i have that in my notes no you have that in

your notes nice uh yeah but he certainly became president on a record of lying about his business acumen and then lying about everything else and then being a horrible human being and literally selling our entire country up the river or down the river i'm not sure which the phrase carmel uh when we break for advertisement in about 19 minutes remind me to check the uh paul prevenza quote from a book where i said in like 2010 from satirista's book yeah the in an interview i said it's only a matter of time before we have celebrity president because the country is just hooked on shit tv yeah and shit people yep that's why i'm running doug do you do you think you can win i do think I can win it's a long shot of course but I

do think I can win obviously we now know stranger things have happened and Trump's TV show was about firing people yet he got elected president my TV show it's about making use your brain better and not being an idiot so which would you rather have in the White House? You know I ran for president. I do. I'm very aware. I was going to do it as a goof. It's kind of a, sorry, but it's a cliched goof to run for president. Pat Paulson did it. If you're doing it as a goof, it's cliched for sure.

Well, I get talked into doing it legit uh for the libertarian party because i yeah i got talked into the libertarian theory yeah but i realized quickly i signed up i did what you did you signed out you're like you're a legit candidate i'm a legit candidate. And you have to know through Paul Provenza, I started to look at the details where, oh, if I talk about this on stage to promote my candidacy, the ticket money could be considered a campaign contribution and you're going to have to... I'm like, I can't figure out the

fucking math on this right i'm not even fully clear on the math on that myself we're consulting with campaign lawyers and finance directors before i hit the road next but luckily or unluckily i didn't have a ton of upcoming dates and so whatever the the decision comes down on that i'm just gonna if i have to not talk about the campaign on stage i'll do rallies earlier in the day at the club and around town and if i uh have to count the show itself i'll just donate the money to the campaign yeah i'm a drunk so i i can't deal with all this like figuring that it's a lot of detail, man. That's been the most challenging thing is it's been, I've been thinking about this for over a year, but I have been, and I rejected the call from this many times because of the intensity and because of what it will do to your life

and everything, and I've built a career that I like and a life that is fun and chill and happy and pretty good overall, and I'm risking all of that to, you know, throw my hat into the ring, but for the last three, four weeks since this has been moving full force and building a team and getting volunteers together, it is an intense focus just on rules and on your flyers have to be printed by union shops. And every detail is like very elaborate. Honestly, 2007, when I was going to run, and I think it lasted like three months where i go i'm i i really became the most miserable person i realized how little i know about anything in

politics like i don't know the house of representatives from the fucking ways and means committee or i don't know any of that shit. I had like four great points. And then I go, oh, but once I ran as a libertarian, I get all the libertarian party people saying, you're not running as a... I'm running as a Democrat. Oh, because...

Well, we'll show you a commercial. You don't actually say how you're running and in my launch video i do say i'm trying to get in the democratic debate you sent me a fucking bunch of links and i keep telling you i can't watch shit on my phone how can you not watch stuff on your phone because my phone it's i get an old phone i mean i suck that because links on the phone is i'm not running for president. That's a strong point. I'm going to put a phone in every pocket, Doug.

I don't even have video on my podcast, much less my phone. Yeah, if you only know four things, maybe it's better to be a postcard than a president, but I know more than four things. I don't know every single detail, but I'm ready to go out there and make my points. There's a lot of – well, I would say most voters are single-issue voters, single platform. There's a word for it.

Single-issue voters. Yeah. Anti-abortion or immigration or gun control or something. It's one thing. Yeah. immigration or gun control or something. It's one thing. So if you had one platform that you were going to go after, what's your number one? My number one reason for running is to stop Donald Trump. So I don't know if that's a policy position, but I just feel like every progressive, every progressive candidate, every Democrat running is trying to espouse the same ideals basically within a margin of error. It's very similar things, and they all want to stop Trump, but Trump is an existential crisis. of american democracy and our freedoms are at risk because of this fucking orange madman cry

baby trump treasonous traitor donald trump and so i want to stop him and i think a comedian is uniquely suited to do that because he's the best trash talker heckler in the world ukraine the president of ukraine just elected a few weeks ago. Comedian. Comedian. Zero prior political experience. I have some. I don't try to pronounce his name correctly. Zelensky. No. Yonar.

John Nahr became the mayor of Reykjavik. He's a comedian. Ran a joke when Iceland went tits up in 2008. The whole economic crash. They were at the center of, they were like a big banking thing. They crashed. So they ran a joke campaign, had an entire joke, the best party. That was their party. And the guy from the sugar cubes was one of the count.

He got elected mayor of Reykjavik, which is basically the president of Iceland. That's a good point. No one else is living in the outskirts around there. Nine guys. The population of Tucson, Arizona. Yes.

Is Reykjavik. Maybe I need to, to have less positions. There's actually an advice a friend of mine gave me. He was like, I, it's almost a scientific fact that the candidate with the least positions on their website wins. But I felt like I had a hurdle to climb with people taking a comedian seriously. So I put 13 issues just with

the launch. And only me, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Bernie Sanders have any issues listed on their website. Everybody else is just, here's my story. I grew up in a small box. I grew up wearing hats, whatever they said about themselves, and that's why you're supposed to support them, because they had great hats. But if you have one issue that you're passionate about, what would be the one issue, if you were going to go after, because I have a suggestion.

Sure, I have many thoughts on it, but I want to hear your suggestion. Anti-Trump. That's in my notes that just fell on the floor. Because just going after Trump is... Well, I'll tell you what my main... I have a few main issues. One is restoring our democracy. I think it's just essential, not just because of Trump's risks, because of foreign interference in our elections, because of gerrymandering, literally carving black people out of districts or carving them into other districts so they don't win elections.

Carving black people out of districts or carving them into other districts so they don't win elections. Having a shift to digital ballots that make our whole elections up for grabs and up for question if they're even authentic or not. So going back to only paper ballots. Have you considered being a black candidate? I have considered it. And I looked into it. And I'm not going to fall into an Elizabeth Warren trap. So I'm not going to even run the DNA test.

I'm just telling people that I am African American. I've decided right now. You got some thick hair. Thank you very much. I'm Jewish, so we have a very similar ancestry in that way. No, that's very true. Gleiberman? Jewish? Yeah, Gleiberman is my legal name.

Jewish. Surprising, isn't it? I like you go with Gleib. Thank you very much. That's E-I-B. E-I-B. E-I-B. And that's another thing. If you had one platform to go, I would get rid of the I before E kind of shit. Yeah, that should not be a law.

I'm going to outlaw that law. Oh, it's E-E-B. That's the one misspelling for Glebe2020.com that I did not purchase. I figured no one's spelling it E-E-B. I got I-E-B. I got E-I-B. did not purchase i figured no one's spelling it eeb i got ieb i got eib when i googled you today i had to go eie what's the point old mcdonald had a farm you know what i'm saying up in this motherfucker there's no reason for an eye and glebe it's a strong there is no eye and glebe

oh there you go also you can't spell america without me are you aware of that no And we're going to try to put the tribe back in country, Doug. It's already there at the end of the word, but like... Privatized prisons. I know you have a... Not privatized them. You think we should privatize them more? No, no. I know that's one of your platforms.

Yes, it is. So the last issue on restoring our democracy is also banning the electoral college, abolishing it because one person should have one vote more people live near cities then they should have more votes to beat some number of people in those cities i don't think it should be weighted against where populations move um yes we need to i think ban private prisons we need to uh not be trying to make money off of putting people in jail for selling weed in their neighborhood first of all who hasn't appreciated the guy selling weed in their neighborhood so you're gonna now put the guy and you're gonna buy his

weed and then put him in jail that's rude oh you're gonna get me off on a tangent but i'm i don't mind that but that's one yeah you kind of legalizing weed kind of killed a nice black market that's a strong point uh occupation where yeah seth that used to buy weed from in his apartment yeah pineapple express now he's at walmart with a name tag making 825 an hour selling weed at walmart but weed store wouldn't have been nice if one yeah true true maybe you can get you can still get like an underground operation like the greeter should be should maybe offer you bonuses on the way in. You'd buy a lot more in the store. Slip you a little something.

You don't look at your weed dealer the same way if he's behind a counter with a name tag. That's a strong point. You don't look at him the same way. You still look at him because he's a human being. Well, you don't have to talk to him anymore. That's true. You don't have to smoke weed with him. Wouldn't it have been nice if there was one weed dealer who you go into his apartment and it was nice and it was like kept well it wasn't like a couch with every stain and

like residues on it and ashes everywhere i'll be honest with you i never had to buy drugs because uh i've been a comedian for 30 years and they just hand them to you and most of the time you have to just say i can't yeah i'm traveling yeah they don't even give it to you sometimes i can't do wrapped up in anything it's like a loose nug of weed and all of a sudden you're smelling like weed in your pockets do you smoke weed i do i don't i'm not not during the campaign but i do smoke weed pre-campaign i haven't thus far johnson did look how that campaign went yeah i still don't know where aleppo is i know he really screwed that one up aleppo i don't know but i do know i'm high right now that was a mistake gary um then stuck his tongue out during interviews i mean i would do that i'm not that but uh presidential some of

the things that i uh well the prison we have the biggest prison population in the world. We have, what, was it 2 million people in jail or prison? And disproportionately for minorities. They can't vote, but if they have 2 million, a population of 2 million in prison that means they have to have four or five eight family members that can vote and if you went after prison just like focused on prison reform and releasing non-violent offenders well you have that many people that can prisoners can't vote bernie sanders trying to change that but yes it's true prisoners

currently can't vote eight times two million you got now 16 million votes lose by a landslide but it's what do you make a number you register a huge number it's true and you put that issue on the map well but here's another part of of prison reform that i think is a unique idea that no one has talked about and people think it's ridiculous and i think it's just common sense you want to end corporate crime combine white collar prisons with blue collar prisons is worse, a weed dealer who's now sentenced to life in prison because it's his third time getting arrested for that, or a corporate white-collar criminal who stole millions, ruined millions of lives?

People kill themselves over things like that. People's lives get shattered. They have to move. They're homeless. That's a worse crime. Yet they get to go to country club prisons? Why possibly? Would it be easier because they're homeless that's a worse crime yet they get to go to country club prisons why possibly would it be easier because they're white because they're because they're wearing a shirt with

buttons i'm gonna be so against you right now why uh in that all the the brutal prison that you're talking about oh white collar prison no one should be sent to any kind of prison like we have. Prison is cruel and unusual punishment. Sure. It just creates worse prisoners. Sure. But shouldn't we equalize them first? At least everybody's in the same prison?

Make them rehabilitative. Yes, agreed. But how fast would we fix the prison system if corporate criminals were going to that same prison there would be reform money into it immediately there'd be reform they would be rehabilitative they would be much better systems to get people back on their feet and not put them in a zone where they get beaten up and or raped on the daily that's not a good setup yeah sending anyone to that that's not a good setup. Yeah. Sending anyone to that, that's not constructive. I'm just saying if weed dealers are being sent there, shouldn't people who are ruining lives be sent there?

And then that's where the money is. Those people have the money. If you follow the money. I'm with you in theory, but not in reality. So then you'll have that fixed. Why not? You'd rather keep them going to unlocked corporate country clubs? No, I'm saying no one should be raped in prison.

I agree with you on that. That's a platform the whole nation can get behind. But it happens. And it happens right now only to blue-collar criminals. That's on the lighter and it's going to fall. There you go. Oh, thanks. You're welcome.

It happens now just to people that are committing crimes that are at least as bad, in some cases less bad. So I'm just saying equal to playing field. I would say that it's a good platform to get votes. Sure. Because people want other people to be punished while they sit at home like it's a fucking reality game show. Oh, yeah, you should get raped in prison. Head off.

This is a new kind of elimination show you've created there, I think. No, you're the one who started this. I did not. Send white-collar criminals to be raped. Yeah, I did not say televise it and make it a reality show. My plan is just equity when it comes to punishment for crimes. Just because someone's not using their hands to commit a crime does not make it less bad. It makes it worse.

And oftentimes. All right. So there's that one. We're going to break. I've convinced you. Are we at 20? All right. So I got many more.

We got to get people access to health care. I can't afford it. We're going. I got notes down there. Okay, good. We're we're gonna go to break big money out of politics swap cast yes this is a swap swap cast and so i'm gonna uh our audio version will go to our commercial and we're gonna run the video right now of your behind the scenes bonus no your video for your your your i don't have video ads we're just gonna be sitting here in silence no i just watched your like hey oh you want me to put in a

sure vote for me you're gonna run that smart do you do editing or does she neither of us we just release the shit on release on that all right well then there's then there will be a quick pause and then we'll be right back. Please hold. Postmates. You use them, Chaley. We both use them. You don't know sometimes, but I use them because I don't want to drive when we get back to the hotel.

Yeah, but I use what you get from Postmate. I need mimosa fixings at 10 o'clock in the morning. Postmates. You can't get a Chaley, so get yourself Postmates. I need mimosa fixings at 10 o'clock in the morning. Postmates? You can't get a Chaley, so get yourself Postmates. It's like having a Chaley. You need a shovel and duct tape at 4 o'clock in the morning? Postmates. Let me tell you about Postmates.

Postmates is your personal food delivery, grocery delivery, whatever kind of delivery service all year round. I didn't know that they would stop by a grocery store and get you dentine gum if you wanted it. Yeah. Which is great. Personal lubricants. Whatever you want. Whatever's on the shelf.

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To start your free deliveries, download the app and use promo code DSP. That's code DSP for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app. Anything you need, anytime you need it. Postmate it. Download Postmates and save with code DSP. Glebe2020.com It's Glebe. G-L-E-I-B Glebe. Fuck I before E. It's Glebe. G-L-E-I-B.

Glebe. Fuck I before E. It's E before I. Except after Glebe. I don't know how it works. Just chuck a buck. Chuck a buck. Glebe 2020 dot com.

We back on the Swapcast. The Doug Stanhope Podcast and Ben Gleib's Last Week on Earth. Brought to you by the Gleib 2020 Campaign Fund. If you just give a $1 donation, or whatever you can afford, because this shit is very expensive, $65,001 donations get me on the debate stage. There are two spots left, and we get a comedian's voice, a true outsider's voice on that stage.

It's early. We got a year and a half plus till the election. Why should every candidate be career politicians or multimillionaires? If you agree that's stupid, then give me a dollar. Gleeb2020.com. And please do donate. A dollar. Five bucks.

Yeah, if you can do five, do five. But a dollar is great. Yeah. Assholes. Killer termites. A dollar. Five bucks. Fucking dollar. Yeah, if you can do five, do five. But a dollar is great. Yeah. Assholes. Killer termites. Come on. Because I don't know shit about politics. I found that out quick and harsh, and it ruined my life.

I've never been happy since I did that three-month stint where I took myself seriously. Not really. Why not? I feel like dropping out, it probably got really good again by comparison. As soon as I quit, I was like, I'm so happy. I was such a, like I used to be a fun doing mushrooms guy. And then I took myself seriously.

I go, oh, this would be a funny joke. And then when I it got real libertarians backed you into a corner Rand Paul was curling his hair at you flicking his little suspender hairs at you I love Rand Paul but that hair

you can't be president it's ridiculous is his hair constantly wet there's a whole lake inside his noggin. It's absurd. You can't elect a raggedy Andy doll as your leader. It doesn't make any sense. But then who's the president?

Strong point. Maybe we're wrong about that theory. At least it's Rand Paul's real hair. Trump, what is going on with that? I saw one picture of his hair coming back where you have to stop that well yeah no it's sorry i was gonna say that's there's such a dichotomy with us as comedians yeah where you go yeah just talking about his hair is really fucking hackneyed sure it is but people vote for hackneyed they vote for that guy yeah because he's an asshole on tv yeah and they would got great catchphrases

kardashian or a fucking the comedian would probably make it as larry the cable guy is probably the one absolutely get her done in the primaries it's all we have to say every time he campaigned and it would work it would work very well so i will definitely support a comedian for president i mean that's the big i'm happy to hear you say that because that's the biggest premise of the whole thing is that look none of people say should what kind of experience do you have to be president none of the candidates running this is kind of experience do you have to be president? None of the candidates running, this is a newsflash, have been president before. A solid zero of them. One of our greatest presidents, George Washington, had never held public office before.

There wasn't public office because he was like graded at all. But still, it's a strong point. You don't need experience in knowing how to be a person who surrounds themselves with the brightest minds, listens to people's ideas, and formulates policies that will help people. What matters is finally having somebody in office who's not a career politician, who's not entrenched. Comics are the realest people of the maybe not fully real people. Last bastion of freedom of speech, which is now being threatened even in our business.

Yeah, it's crazy so like trump created this term of fake news that has perpetrated itself around the globe we live in what's called a post truth era now i don't know how we even accepted that without a fight but the whole society is like the news are like no no post-truth era dan rather is like we live in a post-truth era we just gave up on truth without even a battle on that shit and so if we're living in an era where truth is at least being eroded very quickly and you can just say fake news on facts and people think it's it's bullshit well comedians are the last place you go for the truth that's why people go to john stewart for the news and samantha b and john oliver and all these people so why shouldn't a comedian be the source of truth for your government as well? Why only senators who've been in government and gotten zero done?

All right, well, let's bring up Al Franken, who everyone in the comedy community and beyond supported. Yeah. And then he just capitulated. Yeah, they forced him out pretty quick. Because I did a risque sketch with a lady right and he grabs some people's butts in photos but not that it's good to do that by any means but compared to what the president has done and is fine and nobody kicks him out of office it's

a little bit like bill maher says that democrats eat their own a little bit too much um let the people decide if what al franken did was worthy being kicked out of office or not but all the senators just pushed him out very quickly no don't let the people decide the people elected donald trump the fuck all the people that elected him i try to never say his name if we could go one week, the entire country, without saying that name. He would melt. He would implode. His ego would just fall apart.

Although if you say it two more times while looking in the mirror, he will haunt your dreams. I don't know if you're aware of that. So try to not say it two more times if possible. But yeah, look, we live in a very, very interesting era. And I think there's very important strides being made for women in the world and sometimes these things overcorrect a little bit and um al franken paid a price for it i think what he did is not the most egregious of all things but he also didn't behave well for a senator in some of those things. You're a senator. You shouldn't be grabbing people's butts during photos.

I don't even know if he... I don't follow what you do. That was why he had to resign. It wasn't just because of the sketch and trying to kiss Leanne Tweeden backstage. He was also... Apparently, as a senator, would take photos and behind

would grab their butts during a photo as a senator, which is maybe not what you want while someone's in office. I would still do that to this day. You would still do it, sure. Yeah. I mean, I'll still sign a breast if necessary. Not in office, but before office and then afterwards if somebody wants me to. Because no one approaches you to have their breast signed have you ever had that in a business happen where uh someone after a show says i did but it's a tit that's had too many uh babies weaned off of it and it's

stretch marked and you have to like spread the skin like it's scrotum because the sharpie first of all i'd like to say that i love that you have the comparison point of what it's also like to spread a scrotum to sign it so i like that you've got oh i've done that i actually had a guy say hey will you sign my balls because last time you were in town you signed my dick and i'm sure it's accurate i go sure bat wing him his penis said dope but when he got hard it said doug stanhope the little variation on the old joke thank you very much um i've never had to sign anything of of that ilk and i'm glad but i would i have no discrimination against people you've never had to sign a tit after a show oh i have not one that's that you have to scrape and stretch or whatever term you use oh you'm getting ones that are...

I mean, I don't know what... I'm not playing retirement homes. Are you doing a lot of retirement home gigs? Well, my fan base is... Douglas, please! Sign my bosoms! Are they calling them bosoms when they ask you to sign it too, Doug? I don't know.

Maybe you get a lot of titty dancers at your shows with implants. But I get a little bit of a more ragged audience. I sign a lot more dicks and balls than I do tits. I like that you don't discriminate on who you sign. Have you thought about instead of signing, maybe for the older audience members, just bring stickers with your name on it and just plop it right on and you're good to go.

See, you're already a problem solver. These are the kind of ideas I can bring to our nation so you're welcome america glebe 2020.com one dollar one dollar get them on the stage if you can give 10 bucks it's great but a dollar is wonderful uh it's expensive to run these campaigns i'm sure you're aware we can't hire staff we have what we already got with the one dollar donations but we can get on the stage and then hopefully more money would come in but we can get that experiment fully completed with just one dollar donations 65 000 that's it you get a lot of people behind you no i love it i'm i this other thing that my campaign has decided to do a chance to drop some names oh a lot of people behind me. Kevin Smith.

Yeah, Kevin Smith. Paul Provenza. My podcast on Kevin Smith's network, Paul Provenza, dear friend, the comedy Yoda, dear man who apologized to me for not putting me in the Satteristas book later. I'm like, it's too late now. I'm not in it. And you fucked up pretty bad.

Yeah, the Aristocrats in the Green Room, which I loved that show so much i made a cameo in the green room you were a full guest i just made a cameo guest the best one was patrice with bob saget and patrice the scariest comic i've ever known and i didn't really know him he's so funny like one of those guys that you're afraid because you know he could eviscerate he could find your weak spot and tear you to shreds yeah just just backstage looking at your face your countenance one turn of uh an emotion in your face he could read it and then tear you apart this is true do that to bob saget

on the green oh shit i don't remember this it's like did he say something off the top of your head why don't you just what do you just do jokes and then bob saget responded in kind and said some shit off the top of his head and it was fucking beautiful oh nice and i think that's the one that Roseanne and Sandra Bernhardt. That's a good lineup. Yeah, I think those were the other two. It was just a beautiful show, The Green Room. My favorite moment from it was the other great, amazing panel was, well, they had amazing, a bunch of them,

but it was the one with Maren and Shanling and Apatow and Bo Burnham and Provenza's like, Bo's this amazing young comedian. He writes these songs that make you question society and all these amazing things. But you play Juan Noguera's piano and plays a beautiful song about teen angst and growing up not knowing who you are. And he finishes it, and the whole crowd is raptured by it. And Provenza turns to the panel and goes, huh?

Pretty amazing. And Marin goes, that's cute. Marin's a guy I'm afraid of too. Yeah, I've had my encounters with Marin. In a personal way where I think Marin hates me the same way I hate Marin because I think Marin thinks I hate him. I feel like a lot of people think Marin hate him, and it's probably true 80% of the time.

I bet he probably hates 80% of his podcast guests. I'm bitter he's never asked me on his podcast, but, you know, I have bigger fights to pick. But I'm a little upset about it. One time, Marin, so I'm at the Vancouver Comedy Festival, and this is like 10 years ago, and I was showcasing for Eddie Brill, who was the booker of Letterman at the time and a great guy and a comic, very funny comic.

And I did two back-to-back crystal clean TV sets, crush it, nine and a half minutes, crushed it. He comes backstage, Brill, and I'm sure I booked Letterman and he says to me Ben that was amazing so wonderful let me tell you why you're still a year plus out from doing Letterman Marin misses that sentence walks backstage right after and just hears Brill going it was so great this joke and this point and this point Marin in maybe his very angry days got in between me and eddie who were already only two feet apart from each other in my face nose to nose like it was the beginning of a prize fight and he goes look at you with your cute little jokes your fucking candy jokes about reese's peanut butter cup you think you're so fucking great i think you're so cute

it's disgusting to me oh and he bounces and i was like the fuck was i just didn't get letterman bud thanks for adding insult to injury on what became the worst moment of my life i'm about to get beaten by mark maron and didn't book a late night it's a weird thing where you know you're internally a prick and then you see a mirror reflection in Mark Maron and you go, he must hate me the way I hate other people. So now I hate him.

Unless someone goes out of their way to tell me they like me, I assume everyone hates me. Makes sense. But Mark Maron, you assume even harder. You've not done his podcast. Yeah, I've done it twice.

I did it once. And then the second time, I know he was doing it because he had to. And then he shuffled me off because he had someone else coming in. He didn't have to do it. Once again, I have not done the podcast. You're a legend. He probably thought he had to do it because he didn't want me to hate him the way he thinks i hate him he didn't want you going on your podcast or a swap cast one day and saying how much of a dick he is and how much i like mark maron except

as a man except when he wants to beat me down and not book me on his podcast yeah that you have a better story i have a david cross story that's in my last book okay i hated david cross for years for one just when i was a kid comic it was a small slight but it made me feel that shitty what was it hey it's a it's a long story but a small story where he goes hey you can't sit here i'm with people it's that's the basic. But I was in a day where I thought all comics sat at the same back of the room table because I was from the road. Right. And I sat down, and then they made me feel like just a fucking,

I'm with people. And I've probably done that a million times since where fucking some open mic came and interrupted a conversation. I'm like, I'm trying to fucking talk like now that i'm the guy right i didn't want to talk to him he was in a seat you could smoke in it's a long story every time every time it's in my book this is not fame which a good friend of mine said oh yeah your first book was a book yeah the second one that's your that book's more of a podcast so i out every time you do never forget that every time you do that now to a young comic do you call david cross crying and apologizing for the way you mischaracterized him no but he

did follow me on twitter so i i guess uh yeah he doesn't really hate me as much as I. As you hated him one day. Yeah, that's from the 90s. That's holding a grudge a long time. Oh, come on. Tell me one thing. Oh, I had some notes. Oh, yeah.

I was going to do some presidential things instead of boxers or briefs, cut or uncut. But you're Jewish. So that is that. I asked Hillary Clinton one time at the end of her first presidential campaign. One-on-one, I go up to her in this place where I wasn't publicly supposed to be, and I went up to her and I said, it was the last throes of her campaign when she was trying to beat Obama, but Obama was clearly surging. And I said to her, we've learned so much about you in the course of this campaign. One question that helped your husband's campaign we don't know about you yet.

Behind the pantsuit, boxers or briefs? And she just like goes wide-eyed and keeps walking. I'm like, boxers or briefs? And she just gives me an awkward thumbs up and keeps walking. I turned to the camera and I was like, my guess is another pantsuit. I think it's pantsuits all the way down with her. That's what I believe. I would have changed, and I don't have an answer for this.

I should have pre... I would change the national anthem to anything but the national anthem because it's a fucking horrible song. Interesting. Do you ever get that stuck in your head? Yeah, I've gotten stuck in my head, but I love the national anthem. I'm like patriotic. It's maybe almost embarrassing. when i was a kid in third grade there was a record player and every morning the teacher would let the next student choose a song to play and when

everyone would come to my turn i'd always choose a national anthem i think it's a beautiful ballad i like to belt it out i sometimes sing it during a sound check you're sorry you're you're uh first lady is actually nodding that you're not lying. Yeah. It's a fucking horrible song. I play it on the kazoo sometimes. I'm one of the great kazoo players. I don't know if you know that.

And I sometimes play it on the kazoo. Much to her dismay and my dog's dismay as he tries to fall asleep. I was going to actually write that down because Bill Clinton with the saxophone. Yeah, mine's the kazoo. Do you have a kazoo? I usually carry it with me, but I started. God damn it. For the last three weeks, I don't know if it's presidential.

I should keep carrying it because... But the kazoo is a much more accessible instrument, much more every man instrument than a saxophone. Think about that. Red, white, and blue. I would change the flag... You would? To a...

I get a patriotic feeling when I see that flag. Not to wear it's not great colors, but... They're fucking awful colors. On a flag, they evoke patriotism with a lime green and uh an orange but not like a safety cone orange and maybe a turquoise well that's that's similar lime green is something i talk about my act sometimes it's about not our national colors but how polarized our politics have become they literally just try to keep us apart. This orange right there. Like a burnt orange.

This. I like that orange. This orange. Orange is my favorite color. My two. Really? Cheers. Yeah.

Fucking go Netherlands. World Cup. Fuck America. Well, it's a strong statement, I feel like. I'm running for president, Doug, and you're fully aware of this. And so. Well, if you can change it to a place where I no longer say fuck america i'm all for you oh i like that okay i'll take that as a personal challenge how about let me just say they they

polarize our politics so much that they've even color-coded us that's why i don't like labels so much red and blue they literally color that's the exact colors of bloods and crips literally that's maybe some part of why we're so at each other's throats. Maybe when I say on stage, we would have a more chill political discourse. We rebranded the parties Peach and Lime Green. Think about it. People are a lot more relaxed. Are you more relaxed when you see a tropical Skittles pack or a traditional Skittles pack? Tropical.

Reminds you of vacations. Democrat and Republican. Which one's the donkey and which one's the elephant? Donkey is Democrat. Elephant is Republican. I don't know that. You don't know that? No. I was just trying to find if you were as dumb as me. Trying to gotcha me on that one.

I'm not going to answer your gotcha questions, Doug. How much is a gallon of milk? I don't know. Four dollars? I don't know. I'm lactose intolerant. I should have said that. These are the deflections. I'm lactose intolerant. That's the one thing i'm trying to tell me is you don't have to answer every question but i'm too i'm a comedian i like it i'd like every question is a personal

challenge to me so i like to answer them as directly as i can uh yeah uh i've that was my only gutsy question i just came up with it you're hard-hitting you're like barbara wall you're like walter cronkite yeah I smoked pop with David Cross once. It was an exciting moment for me. And then Bob Odenkirk, who I love more than anybody. I love Bob Odenkirk. And Mr. Show was one of my favorite shows of all time. Had him on my podcast years ago.

And I had a show years before that on National Lampoon that was this kind of stream of consciousness, tangentially connected show, a little bit inspired by Mr. Show. And so I couldn't wait to talk to Odenkirk about it. He's in my old apartment, my shitty little apartment I used to live in, and for a very long time. And I said to him, so you guys must have been stoned out of your minds

writing that show. It was so weird. Now the boxing goes, are you kidding me? The connections we had to make, the detail of writing a script every week. We were stone cold sober, maybe cross smoked occasionally after a taping after we had zanku chicken at midnight i was like my mind was shattered like you guys were not high

for that and he's like no we were high and he looks down he goes is this a a nug of weed on your table i just had loose weed on the table it was a come to j moment for me. I felt very stupid. Yeah, there was a moment in the 90s it seemed like everybody sobered up. Yeah. Like everyone was all fucked up and drinking and then everyone went sober. Or maybe that was just my social circle where people grew up and I didn't.

But just all of a sudden everyone's sober. All of a sudden you're drinking by yourself and you're sudden, you're drinking by yourself, and where is everybody? Yeah, I'm still here. All right, good for you. You're doing it. Do it your way. Yeah, it works for me. I like that.

I ain't running for president. No, you're not. That's just dumb. That was three dark months in your life. I will support you for president. Thank you very much. I'll call Rovia in the middle of the night. Here's another idea

I had. I do that to the impractical jokers. Do you, Sal? Sal and Quinn. You give them ideas for their pets. Here's an idea. What you gonna do? You go to a shooting range.

Where's this prank go but all the all the uh targets are like a a mother shielding her child from a school shooting or something yeah that's a target did they use that bit no they don't feel like they would have just sit there on speakerphone and they just placate us. Okay, yeah, we got to go. Yeah, do you think maybe, I mean, I hate to, like, normally I would let a joke lie, but during the presidential campaign, I have to say, I feel like I believe in the Second Amendment strongly. I shoot guns and I enjoy it sometimes. Also, kids should not fear getting shot at school. School is shitty enough already, hard enough to focus.

With that on top of your head we just need common sense regulation we can meet in the middle on this you can have a gun but you also shouldn't get a gun faster than you can get toilet paper on amazon prime that should be obvious this is where we're gonna part ways all right on politics bring it is uh no there shouldn't be schools no schools no that's an interesting platform not no school and take us under advisement you fucking call me two in the morning and tell me this pay for school if you're gonna have a kid yeah you should be able to afford everything about that kid i should not have to pay for your fucking kid's school that my tax money i don't have a kid first of all i'm astounded you

don't have a kid by this point in your life you probably do i have one abortion and one vasectomy in that order oh you got the oh i'm sorry i didn't know i thought i was sterile by now with all the drugs and alcohol but i've never impregnated a girl but when i did and she had to have an abortion i did the right thing and get a vasectomy but yeah if you're gonna have a fucking kid you should be able to pay for the fuck that's something that you're saying because you got the vasectomy but let's say you didn't get the vasectomy like most men do because ouch that sounds painful no i wouldn't want the general public to pay for my stupid kid there's kids out there that people have by accident or have and then some they lose a job and they can't afford

to take care of that kid that kid should just go out in the streets wandering without any any education because their parents fucked up? I don't know if you thought this one through. That's where GoFundMe comes in. Or adoption for all these people that are getting fucking fertility drugs. There's fucking living people out there. We're already taxing all of our, what do you call it the oil and shit the thing what's the word for you're having a stroke right now you're right no the depleted the resources like natural resources yeah we're depleting our natural resources

we're drilling on our own lands we're jackhammering into mountaintops for oil. Because, listen, we have this every time we get drunk at the Funhouse on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Afterwards, we talk about all the problems in society and almost every time the answer is overpopulation. Well, what if we do this and then... A lot of people. Yeah, but then people are going to keep fucking

and bringing more people to the party where the party's already over full and depleting natural resources. But yeah, it's overpopulation. Yeah, but how are you going to stop that? Are you going to go China one child policy? Incentive-based eugenics oh my god sure that's one way to go about it doug listen i think eugenics this is already out on a special but it's a fucking brilliant idea incentive based incentive

based eugenics where what are the incentives like if if you tie your tubes you'll get a lifetime supply of sunny d first of all nobody wants sunny d secondly no the people you don't want procreating want sunny d they want it more than the purple stuff too which is another strong point you mean if i cut off my balls i can go crossbow for life ted nugent yes you can I can go crossbow hunt with Ted Nugent? Yes, you can. But you don't really have to cut off your balls. That's nice.

It's just a small incision in the vas deferens. No, I want to cut off my whole balls. That way they can hang them behind their truck. Yep. I like that idea. I don't even know that it's eugenics if it's just voluntary and you just get paid for it. So then I can maybe get behind it. I don't mind the idea of's eugenics if it's just voluntary and you get paid for it. So then I can maybe get behind it. I don't mind the idea of paying people to not have kids.

That's not a bad idea. But I do think that if they do have kids, you should not let them wander the streets as vagrants. You should be able to educate them so that we don't have a country of a bunch of people walking around aimlessly, banging their heads on the wall and turning into a bunch of angry, tiny-handed Donald Trumps. Well, if – I've said it twice. We've said it twice now. One more and he appears.

How much – I have a ninth grade education. And I had to wait that long to quit because everything I learned from public school I knew by third grade. Basic reading, writing math math and then the rest is bullshit they don't teach you anything and they're teaching you how to sit still yeah at a desk training you to be a drone in a fucking corporation in a cubicle and there's none of that you need to know totally that's another one of my one of my plans i agree it doesn't make any sense so much you're exactly right so much of what our school systems teach is just mindless facts you learn dates instead of the concept behind the thing why did

a war happen no one knows but it happened in 1812 who gives a shit about the number of the year exactly it's memorization memorization just so people can develop the skills that help them do mindless tasks. And so what I would do, part of my plan, is to modernize schools and our curriculums big time. There's this amazing video that the XQ Institute shows that tries to help get people involved in their local school boards. And it shows all the technology that society has evolved over the last 50 years, 100 years, and then classrooms, it's still a dusty chalkboard and old little wooden desks and chalk from like milk bottle delivery people times. It's insane.

It's fucking ridiculous. So we're going to put high-speed internet in classrooms. It's actually taxation paying for babysitting because they know, oh, mom and dad have to fucking work a day job, so we'll make these kids sit there for eight hours so mom and dad can work, and the kids don't know anything other than bullying and bullshit. That's why you also have to teach life skills, right?

So you have to teach people. No one ever has a financial class. Learn how to save and how to budget your money. Taxes. Never in class. Learn how to save on how to budget your money. Taxes. Never in class. Taxes should be classes. The IRS could not pass a fucking course in IRS tax code. Right. I think that's a Trump thing.

It's a weird thing about Trump where if he does something good, just because he's a dildo. Right. Everyone is like against him doing good. Yeah, no, when good things happen, I give him credit for it. It's few and far between, but I'm not someone that, I think he gets criticized too much for every little tiny thing. Like, oh, Trump walked ahead of the Queen of England during a procession. Let that one go.

The guy is an idiot. We know it. It's not news. You shouldn't have but no that's not news you shouldn't have to do that no you shouldn't have to do it but also it shouldn't be blanket coverage in the news for two days when he does but that's cable news is ruined for me because all they do is whatever the oh now we're gonna have eight eggheads come out here and talk about each other what he tweeted what's your opinion on this brian well you know my opinion because of the network we're on we all have the same opinion yeah but we have eight of

us talking about it and yeah they've ruined they've ruined news and they've ruined in a lot of ways the country the 24-hour news networks really fucked up everything and if i am elected president one of the things i want to do is make all of the 24-hour news networks they're not a couple cells news anymore they to call themselves news anymore. They can call themselves entertainment networks, infotainment maybe at best. They're not news. I was going to get back to this, was the fact that that's free market and play where the news is – when you're talking about fake news, it's – Trump's right about that fact to some degree.

It's not fake. It's just they generate drama every day like it's a reality show. It's clickbait. Exactly right. There's not a level 12 emergency outrage every single day for years. That's just complete bullshit

and you're making everybody live in this state of constant chaos. Breaking news. Breaking news. How old are you? Still nothing. 40. 40. Do you remember breaking news when How old are you? Still nothing. 40. 40.

Do you remember breaking news when it was breaking news? It was a big thing, yeah. They would actually interrupt the fucking football game. Now every story, they just mean a story came in. They should change that label to just story now again. It's a less concise title. It's 24-hour news. It's ridiculous.

Because it's the same news story for 24 hours until they find a new angle. And they're just getting stories from the internet also and then just riffing on it. Basically, 24-hour news networks are podcasts with less smart people. So I'm not a fan of that. But quickly, for a second, back to schools,

the other things you have to do is you have to teach life skills, finances, taxes. You also have to, i would have a national curriculum where you can have a class that's taught either by youtube or you can do it in class or at home but just a couple of key classes that everybody has to watch just so you know they're getting some basic important information and then let the teachers also supplement it with other important information also context is the most important thing. I've always, why does every student, I don't know if you grew up hating school.

You did. I hated it more than anything. Two teachers I remember that actually, one of them said one day, Gertrude Healy was a French teacher in sixth and seventh grade, failed me both times, but said one day you'll write for Saturday Night Live.

Oh, shit. And yeah. Did you ever write for saturday night live oh shit and uh yeah did you ever write for saturday night live no no but uh i was portrayed on saturday night oh that's nice who was the other teacher i was i can't remember his name a science teacher but he was funny mine was mr moscow was hilarious and mr jacobson was hilarious um and mrs shelby was great she was this african-american woman who worked in the library. She was a librarian. She'd give us these like civics lessons, and then people would ask questions.

She had great burns back. She was like, like the student would be like, do we have to turn the check card in, the book card back in with the book? Can we turn it back in? She goes, unless you want to sign your name with your underwear and turn that in. It was like, what?

It was amazing. But we're comics, so we responded to teachers that yeah no she was funny or appreciated us being funny oh yeah of course i have a teacher friend that he keeps she was not fired she was great but but she was respected but they didn't know what she was saying in that dark little basement library either if they did maybe she would have been but um uh't know what she was saying in that dark little basement library either. If they did, maybe she would have been. But so for schools, the biggest thing is context, right? Every school is framed punitively. So every student sees it, like you said, like a jail.

You have to get up, get there at 8, which is far too early for any student to get, any young kid to get to. And then you just are made to study. Day one, they're like, here's your syllabus. Here's the eight books you got to read. we're going to test you eight times a day instead take a week at the beginning of each semester explain why this will matter in your life why you should care and let the students opt into it let them say oh i will fail in my life if i don't learn this oh this skill will help me become a blank or a blank or a blank all right i'm down to learn then because it'll make me smarter i uh One of the most important books I read

that really changed what I was doing from just titty bar, finger fuck jokes in my act to where I was actually thinking about is You Are Being Lied To. And it's this compendium of essays by different authors about different, it's disinfo.com i don't know if that still exists but that was they put it out there and one of the things was the the background of how the school system started the how we have it started in Austria where they were just really

training people how to be fucking drones. Right. Happy soldiers. But for dubious causes, what stuck with me was they said, why is it if a teacher is hired to teach children and the child doesn't learn, the child fails rather than the teacher that's brilliant

but i love that gorgeous that's so brilliant yeah why is that 10 years eight year old is a failure and you get money because this summer off stern woman at the desk in the front clearly is making no attempt to relate to these people as human beings and then makes the kid hate school like one of the craziest moments of my life happened about a year after I graduated college and I all of a sudden started like getting good speed internet and I was diving deep on YouTube and articles and reading shit and wanting to learn everything. And I realized I discovered my love of learning right after 17 years of school finished the second elementary school and high school and college finished,

then I was like, fuck, I would have loved to learn shit back then, but I was just closed off to it because it seemed like punishment. So you fix that, and all of a sudden you change the future because people will be raised actually learning things, actually caring about their future and not thinking like, fuck this, mom mom i don't want to go to school again and then what's going to happen is people are going to continue to over fuck and overpopulate and then the classroom is going to be too big for the teacher to try to give context or whatever and they're just going to go fuck it you failed you failed and it all boils down to overpopulation yeah but if you're not going to have kids, are you?

We're on the fence. We're talking about being on the fence. Also, we're not married. It'll destroy your body. Everything will just collapse. You can bounce right back. You won't be able to sign your tits after a show because they'll be like scrotum, stretch mark. It'll be gross.

Well, first of all, I wanted a side business. That's a great thing. That's shaming women out of having kids by telling them how gross they'll look. That's a great thing you're saying. This is a... You can't be my running mate, but I think you've got interesting ideas. Well, I'm saying if you affect the ego and you go, oh, you'd be gross and unfuckable if you had kids, it would stop people from having kids and overpopulation.

Are you going to do that both ways? Are you going to also say to the dudes, your shriveled little penis will never be able to get an erection again or have an orgasm and create a baby? No, that's not true. People's bodies bounce back pretty good from childbirth. Men's bounce back fine. Even better, even easier.

They don't have to go to the gym. But they do have to work you know extra jobs to pay for that kid exactly right or or or just don't and then let him wander around like a little zombie dummy with a styrofoam box on his head bouncing into the walls with a beer cooler as a father and that's one way to do it you know you can look at it so i guess you're pro-choice i'm pro-choice there you go i'm pro-choice there you go i'm pro-choice but i think if a pregnancy goes to term and then a baby is born you should take care of that baby it's a confusing conundrum that carlin pointed out many times about how

republicans love to protect the baby in the womb and then the second he's born fuck you until he's 18 and can go fight in wars that are launched for no purpose. And then probably death penalty. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's not everybody, but a lot of people. Carl had said it, but that's the – they want to save the fetus but kill the – Kill the adult.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. So I think that we have to take care of the children that are born that's my controversial opinion but i also think that because reasons of overpopulation of lack of education of mistakes that happen of terrible situations that cause unwanted pregnancies you should give a woman the ability to control her own body because it's her own body obviously like until we're mandating vasectomies on dudes

we shouldn't be mandating what women do with their bodies i'm all for it and i'm all for killing fetuses it's your one that's part of your platform also no it's part of my new special i'll be taping that next week encouraging people it's my closer you know okay no we can't give it away right now we kind of get the premise a little bit at least a little bit of the essence of what's taping that next week. Encouraging people. It's my closer. You don't, okay, no, we can't. We can't tease that. But we kind of get the premise a little bit at least, a little bit of the essence of what's coming.

It starts with, never mind. No, we're not going to say anything about it. Stay tuned. I'm trying to think of any other platforms. You didn't mention

why you're against common sense gun regulation. You said, I lost you there, but then we tangented. I always said that I, guns exist. Sure.

They're there. You're not going to get rid of guns. Agreed. I don't know. I don't want to get rid of guns either. Personally, I have a Napoleon complex, bullied, angry, and I'm a drunk, so I know personal responsibility. I should not have a gun because if in a drunken state, Oh,

what you fucking threatening me? No, he's just, uh, he's looking at the TV above your head. He hated the result of the NHL playoff game. I thought he's giving me a dirty look. Fuck you.

Right. Yeah. Personal personal responsibility i know myself so don't own a gun i like that so i think yeah people can have guns if they can get them but it shouldn't be easier than getting a driver's license you have to go through a pretty rigorous screening process for that that's just to take your kids to daycare if you get a gun that can murder somebody in moments you should just be able to go through check your mental health your criminal history make sure that all sales are registered private sales are registered also just so just like gun sales i'm just like car sales have to be registered so we know where the guns are we know that we try to control as best we can people having them that can i can handle them and then we're moving towards it. There's no testing for that.

And you have to know that. What do you mean? You're a rational human being. Yeah. People are going to slip through. You can screen some people out. But there's other people that are thinking Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy was a fucking great.

I don't know if he used a gun. Didn't he eat people or was that dumber? Ted Bundy was a serial killer. People are still going to be able to be serial killers whether you get rid of guns or not, but you can improve the situation. You can just reduce the likelihood things will happen. No, nothing's perfect.

We're comics, like you say. Obviously, we realize the gray in the world. There's no easy fixes to anything, but there's definitely easy fixes to improving situations. Absolutely. But I would assume most like like school shooters yeah they're getting their dad's guns right dad's fine dad's a city councilman dad does this and that and he goes to the firing range for whatever reason the fact that you fucking you play with guns it's stupid and it's dangerous and they're very powerful oh it's scary yeah but you can also scared of balloons make sure

balloons yeah i have a irrational fear of balloons i don't like the static reaction you get from them sometimes they're gonna pop yeah the popping sounds unpleasant We have a gun range where I live in Bisbee, Arizona. People open carry down there. And I also don't like when a balloon is near a dog on the ground because then the dog pops it and then he freaks out and you've got an angry, upset animal that's acting erratically. So it really compounds it. And you're the guy that's going to have his finger on the button, but he can't have a dog around a balloon.

But I still put my vote behind Ben Gleib. I love that, Doug Stanhope. Thank you very much. And let me just say, I promise everybody listening that if I am elected president, I will not ever have a dog or a balloon near the nuclear launch codes or buttons. That's a promise. Hard and fast. You know what? You politicians promise everything until you get elected.

The next thing you know, there's a terrier and a balloon animal. And there's a nuclear button. And it's a reality show. Listen, whatever gets the ratings. That's all we care about these days. Get those eyeballs. Do you have a fantasy vision that you go to sleep at night until this dream dies horribly? Of you on the stage with other candidates of like you,

they say what, and you say, what is there a thing? Is there anything where, you know? Oh, and then I'd go. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you have a drop the mic fantasy moment? Who's the candidate that you would most love to engage? Oh God. Democratically. Then we'll get to okay the guy whose name we cannot say a third time um no no yeah i don't i think he won't even make it i think someone else another republican yeah i mean hopefully he gets impeached and and we'd all be better off for it and we'd be able to our long national nightmare will be over but if not it'll happen in 2020 in november but uh yes so i dream absolutely about going against trump and i believe this i believe i would be able to eviscerate him in a debate and

make him feel small we're going democratic for democratic first so it's yes biden yeah sanders and yeah i respect for most of these people it doesn't mean I can't sting them. And what I would say – Give me a sting. A sting, first of all, is Cory Booker, who I like and admire. I would say, look, you've been in the Senate for a long time now, and where are the sweeping changes that you are able to help pull off, that you have pulled off that you say you

want to do now you've had your chance i supported your run for the senate and i did and you gave this speech at this event i was at you wanted to fix all the things when you got to the senate same things you're saying you want to fix now and i raised my hand and i said but you're saying all these amazing things and we all know you're going to get to the senate and you're not going to be able to achieve those things because the system is broken and you're going to get stuck in the gummed up works of Congress. So why even say it? And he looked a little bit off kilter and he said, well, you know, our system is so broken that these days it is true you can be more effective at creating change as an artist or activist. And that's the path that I chose to stay on.

So by Cory Booker's own rationale, I am more qualified to be president than he is alright nice go to Trump if you're going to Trump well Trump I just want to make I want to find I want to corner him on the things that he has said that are just not only irrational

but double talk where he said things on both sides I want to corner him on the fact that he himself about his wall said that he wants to build the wall and he's going to build the tallest best wall in the world that you can't get over because he's riffing like a comedian these rallies and he goes you'll be able to get over it unless you get like a ladder yeah yeah. Ladders go over walls, not to mention tunnels go under walls. That's not what I said. What?

This is... You're playing him now? Yes, but that's all he does. I never said that. Oh, you did say it, and the links are up right now, and my team has been ready to click post on my tweet with the exact link. That's fake news. Oh, it's not fake news. There's no link. This isn't a debate where he just says,

he just lies. No, it's easy. The only fake news... Have you ever dated someone like this where they just say the opposite? When you get... Yeah, and you end those relationships. Where the person says,

no, I never said that. Crazy things. No, you just said it right now. I meet a girl who made up stuff every second and that relationship lasted a week. And that's what he does. Right. So he just continued to do that.

No, it's easy. You just say the only fake news is that you're a good businessman. We just saw your taxes and you lost more money than anybody. He's been fucking... But now the taxes came out the last 10 years from 90 to 2000.

Wait, they released his thing? Yeah, for about 10 years. I don't watch the news anymore. He lost more money than any other person in the country during that time. And no one's going to give a fuck. Yeah, they will because you're going to point out how small he is.

That's why I think your biggest flaw is going after him rather than running for the country. If you could run against whoever and never mention his name, don't even talk about him. Like I said, I disagree because that's what everybody else is doing. And it's actually what it's just doing is pushing the Democrats further to the

left. And it's making them in a lot of ways, more beatable in the main, in the general election, because Trump's going to paint them as they're making the country socialist and they won't have developed any skills to dagger him you have to be able to hit him with these verbal darts that he cannot escape you need to be able to say you are a joke of a person everybody laughs at you you think you look great you look stupid you think you're a great president

you're the worst you literally said you're gonna to elect the best people. I'm going to put the best people around you. And 19 of them are in jail. They're in jail. Facts, people. 19 of his cabinet are in jail. Sorry, that's the definition of not the best people. You can say fake news all you want. You can say witch hunt all you want. But these are facts, bro. You stood up in front of us in Helsinki with Vladimir Putin next to you and said you trust him over us. You're treasonous. You're a traitor. And I'll talk over his bullshit and stop moving your hands trying to distract from the fact that you are a

joke and a liar and a crybaby and a treasonous piece of garbage that you'll be taken down. America can be put back on a place where we have people that we care about, the people that we believe in, people that we trust. The more you say that, though, the more that empowers him. I don't think so.

It's a feeding the trolls situation where he's the troll and the more you... I beat trolls. But if you took a... And I beat hecklers. Have you ever been beaten by a heckler on stage? It doesn't happen to the great comics. You don't always have a comeback for him because I'm not afraid of this

ridiculous baby monster this is uh yeah the this is a conversation for when we're done which we're we're pretty much pretty much done pretty much when you call me late night and you give me your strategy suggestions your policy your suggestions i think you're right in a way but i you think you're right in a way, but I... You think you should back down? No, no, no. No comic says you should back down from Trump. No, you should ignore. But you're going to debate and ignore? You're going to ignore the guy that keeps trying to get...

Yeah. And you just ignore him and plow through your set, and then he just shrinks down because you don't acknowledge him. I remember a halloween show yeah at acme comedy club in minneapolis where a guy i don't know if it's a gorilla suit or something sat right up front on halloween wearing some very uh claustrophobic kind of knowing oh i'm gonna be the hit of the show they're gonna make fun of me all night and i demanded every comic on the on the bill do not reference this guy at all sure because he's

sitting there deflated in his weird hair for sure and that work it might have been ran paul under that suit but that works that's a way to go but also you always have your your stuff that you're dying to say on stage and i do too but i i never do an hour without going off into the crowd for 20 minutes i am just i'm an improviser and i'm a shit talker and so i one of my best skills is being able to eviscerate people and make them lose in that moment if i want to if they come up against me i'm really one of the moment but i would think as a for a campaign just dismiss them as ridiculous like you're saying but don't focus on them because that gives them power anyway what we need to do yeah for sure and that's why i ruined the entire institution of what the presidency is about right

but we all know that now and just act like it's a foregone conclusion that everyone knows he's a tool rather than use him as a punching bag does it make sense i totally hear what you're saying i don't plan to focus solely on him that's why i'm one of only four candidates out of 22 that has a lot of policy platform positions on my website i have a lot that i want to focus on talk about and then this podcast for as an example we've only talked about him for maybe seven minutes out of an hour and 10 minutes well let's close on this what are you going to do i'm going to hit them people like me rich white males it's a good question it's a good question we're going to allow care about politics and we're going to drive to your hotel, even on day one of a campaign, to show you the respect that you've earned as a rich white male.

But we're not going to tilt our laws in your favor. You're already doing good. We're not going to tilt our taxes in your favor. You're already doing great we're not gonna let you have be at the top of a corporation and have hundreds of times if not thousands of times the average salary of your employees you can be rich as hell but not so stupidly rich that you step on people below and so we're just gonna make sure you're treated as well as everybody else but not any better anymore uh what about uh the the inequity uh in uh pay between men and women is there something you can do about this was a caller before you came here she said i go what would what question would you have how will you you know fix the pay gap between men and women because i think it's 70 cents on the dollar women of equal schooling experience

make for men and i go i think that's like a free market thing that i don't know i don't agree with that i think that for we should go through a period of time to write the ship where women get paid for every dollar that women get paid men get paid four cents just so we see what it's like um we're not gonna do that but and have babies right make them have babies junior style through their penis holes we're gonna go real like large gallstone style it's called sounding have you i don't know if you've been on YouPorn, but... I've been on it. I definitely haven't seen that one. We'll look up Sounding. Okay.

Definitely won't? It's peehole fucking. Oh, really? Yep. Okay, well, and the thing stays intact after. Well, there's no... Are tears coming down my face right now? There's no YouPorn, where are they now?

I think that's a podcast. I'm going to drop the mic on that one. That's pretty darn good. Wait, but there was a major question you were asking there. What was it? I don't know. All right. There was a major.

What the hell was it before the – oh, women. Yeah, you legislate that so it's equal. Come on. It's enough already. Account for all factors. And then legislate. Also, my dear friend has a company called Comparably where you can see anonymously data of each company you're going to go work at, what they're paying the women and the men with equal backgrounds, of equal accomplishments and equal resumes,

and then you can just point out people that are being discriminatory. Enough of that shit. Let's equal the playing field in ways that don't hurt business but help business. Women are good at shit too. It's a crazy concept. I'm sorry that the U-Porn thing was a very good ending and I made you pick the mic back up.

Sorry about that. But I felt like this was an important point. I thought I was funny on this podcast. No, it was really good. While I was ahead. It was very solid. I'm going to look it up

just out of respect for you and then clear my browser history immediately. i think we uh brought this up on a podcast once the two girls one cup what is where where like they they should be like kardashians now i'm surprised they're not maybe they are i don't know if we saw their faces much in that video. I never saw it, but rumors, I don't know. The rumor I heard was it wasn't real shit. Let's only hope. And you go, well, that doesn't really make them feel. It's not like they can talk to their parents going,

no, it was like a weird enema kind of thing. It was fake shit. But in their heart, they know then that it's. And then their parents go, oh, good, because we thought you were dirty oh my god listen i think we're off track yeah we're a little bit off track but i'll just say that i think they should probably get paid more than the dude cameraman at that shoot you know they're doing the real heavy lifting there yeah there's a lot of people that whisper that credit it's probably on their idea imdb yeah i also did that you know that two girls i was the gaffer

on two girls one cup i gave the fake enema oh my god yeah it's a yeah need to... It's kind of like a chocolate souffle that we pumped up their asses. But we didn't tell them. They thought it was real shit. They're Asian, so they laugh at everything while they eat it. I aggressively regret now making the podcast continue, to be honest with you. We should have left it back there. Yeah, we should have. But you know what?

With this interview, you're going to be president i'm going to be famous for making you president and then we can grab chicks by the pussy hey is this podcast still going let's hope not we're not going to grab anybody by anything unless you're given permission in advance you don't just do it you don't just grab it you you earn it chicks are gonna show up at your rallies uh-huh we're gonna call them rallies uh-huh but we're gonna call them chicks too all right yeah and they're gonna have t-shirts that say grab me by the pussy they are you're a progressive well ben glebe grab me by the pussy we do know that you're a political nostradamus with your predictions earlier so uh i've been right so far this could happen but at least

if you got it on a shirt that's consent right they printed the shirt that's what it says ben glebe with uh your photo grab me by the pussy. No other candidate on the back. Here's a whole disclaimer. No other candidate can grab me by the pussy. Must be 18. Voidware prohibited. Must be 18 years or older. This is a great idea.

Are you going to recruit the people? Because I don't see it happening personally. I don't know if you've been to any of my shows, Ben, but there's not a lot of ladies there to grab by the pussy. It's a bunch of dudes, a bunch of knock-kneed dudes, lonely school shooters that will vote for Ben Glebe because they told him so. And with very crumbly scrotums that have to be separated so you can sign them. Who do you know with a taut scrotum?

That's a strong point. That's a strong point. That's a strong point. I used to have, before my political ambitions, I had an idea for a business I really wanted to do. Like women have all this great stuff like getting their nail French manicures

and their hair straightened and eyebrows threaded. I want to do a ball ironing business where you do a low heat, you use Nerf clamps and you stretch them. I bet you could put two, three feet of them. Batwing them. Batwing them.

Batwing them 100%. You iron them. I feel like it would probably stay that way for a good three, four hours. You do what you want after that. You want to rent a boat, stay on your head, and use your nutsack as a sail, you do it. It's a free country. Can we Barbara Walters this, go a little long and have your first lady step in and we ask her questions about how she feels as a first lady she severely hates talking on things or in front of people um but she's like

a vonka she's like vonka wait is that or you mean i don't know the melania melania melania whose one platform is not even correct english be best uh's going to come up with a better two-word phrase. I like stuff and money. All I like is money and stuff. But the beautiful Carmel, I'm sure in the car, will let me know if this was a good launch to the campaign or not.

Because let me just say this. If you don't think, not to change topics, but do my political move here and change topics. If you don't think that I'm a candidate for president who will tell you the truth, what other candidate ever would go on

doug stanhope's podcast as the first appearance uh i think i could have gotten gary johnson i'm talking about mainstream major party candidate yeah well this election i could probably get one roganan had someone on today. He had another one on today? My manager said. I want to go do Rogan. Yeah, Rogan had my manager. Rogan had a Democratic candidate on today.

Oh, yeah? So maybe this is a good thing. All right. I like that. You know, I'm way bigger than Rogan. You're huger than Rogan, man. I love it when Elon Musk came on your podcast and was nude with you in the bed. I'm almost as tall as Rogan if I had better posture.

I know. My posture kills me, too. I'm 6'1". People think I'm 5'9". Really? It's a real problem. Look at the way I'm sitting now. I'm, like, crunched in nine ways.

I'm an old Jewish man at 40. I'm going to be... Bernie Sanders will look like Fabio by the time... You're Jonah Hill-ish. Well, that's not a great statement. Well, it depends on... Which Jonah Hill? Which Wolf of Wall Street?

Was he skinny in that one? I can't remember. Oh, but he was a good actor. He was. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, that's really sweet. Are you saying I'm a good actor? I think we're getting sweet together.

Can we hold hands to end this, or... I think we're getting sweet together. Can we hold hands to end this? I think we should have the first presidential man-on-man kiss. I love it. Thank you. Ben Glebe for president. Thank you for having me. Doug Stanhope for his podcast. Drop the mic. Boom.

Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Boom. The Courtyard, marry it. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Yes! Thank you. Hi, I'm Doug Stanhope, and if you're seeing this, I'm dead. But in my absence, I hope if you do nothing else, you vote for Ben Glebe for president in 2020. He has platforms. He has convictions.

He's a comic, and because He's a comic. And because he's a comic, every single comic in America supports him, even if they don't say it publicly. I'll say it publicly because I passed away. And if I'm alive when you see this, well, I forgot doing it. I was drinking. Just chuck a buck. Chuckabuckglebe2020.com. I don't drink water. Who am I kidding?