The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #313: SwapCAST with Comedian Brendon Burns - Dumb White Guy Podcast

Episode Date: May 22, 2019

International comedian Brendon Burns stops by the FunHouse for a SwapCast with his good friend Doug Stanhope to discuss, among other things, a Bisbee acid flashback, Edinburgh Free Fringe and some facts regarding Doug's walk out of The Bonfire podcast with Yamaneika Saunders. Find out more about Brendon Burns at http://www.brendonburns.net.Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/All current Tour Dates available at https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Recorded May 17, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brendon Burns (@brendonburns), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byStanhope Store Merch - New online – the official Stanhope Shot Glass, a Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED with a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/LINKS -We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. We'll do plugs at the end. Okay. This will go out Wednesday. Oh, yours goes out Wednesday as well? Yeah. I think I came after you. When did you start doing this? I don't know. Five years? Six and a half. We're in our seventh year.

Wow. Fucking flies by, doesn't it? 2013. 2012, I think. April 16th. Tracy, April 16th? Andy? It was July.

It was a Super Bowl or a 4th of July party? Or a Super Bowl party. When we did it up at... The first one was with Andy, so I don't know when that went out. We taped it during a party. I buried my first one because it's fucking unlistenable because I didn't think

anyone was listening. We have a lot of those. Definitely. For the first year, we buried more than we actually aired. It was just everything, my issues with the industry and everything, just bitter, twisted fucking. We are doing a swap cast, by the way. We're recording. Cross-potinating, I call it.

Cross-potinating is more clever, but I think swap casting is more succinct. Yeah. I'll enjoy you, I guess. I'm here with Doug Stanhope, cult comic extraordinaire. On the Doug Stanhope podcast and the... Dumb White Guy podcast with me, Brandon Burns. Episode fucking cut. Who knows?

Hey, look at this picture. What's going on with this? What is that? fucking wikipedia right fucking wikipedia you can never trust wikipedia because it's either written by i trust them that same tattoo comic or someone with a grudge your same tattoos on your shoulder that's you all right that's me all right on the road touring with m Mick Foley doing jokes about pro wrestling. The wrestler Mick Foley? Yeah, yeah. Mankind?

Yeah, he's a stand-up now. So that's a wig? Yes. Yeah, you reckon? Every time I see you, we have the same fucking hairline. Yeah, it's gone. I feel like it does feel always like looking in the mirror a bit, like alternate universe version of like. i think you're a better looking

me my friend that's what uh your missus said i think last time but the looks are fucking fading yeah if chad shank were here he would pile on this point is we don't get by on our looks no no and i don't think people get fucking hair plugs and shit really i got hair plugs i must admit well they didn't work it didn't fucking work how long ago they fall out uh they're still there i mean but the thing is yeah have a look you can see the cunt you can see the fucking landing strip you can not the not the landing strip the actual fucking front cunt oh the cut i thought you said yeah no the c cunt. I did. It's a vaginal cubic hair gap. Can't they take it from somewhere else?

No, they take it from the back and they stick it in the front and I have a massive needle phobia. Fucking nightmare. I don't understand. I did take Propecia in the 90s for a second. That's what happens when you give a fucking ex-Cocad like me too much money and too much time. I'm like, well, I

guess I'll buy my fucking hair back. So I've just come down to Bisbee, Arizona where Doug lives, where he's got his commune and for his mate Matt Becker's gig, which is the is the most Australian-American place I've seen. And the people in this town are more Aussie than they are.

That was like an outback country pub last night. Well, last night when you got here, your statement was based clearly on what the club looked like, not on the people. You find that the people are also very outback Australian? Absolutely. They were giving. They were warm.

They appreciated the drive. I should introduce Chaley as well, who's been – Chaley? Yeah, that's Chaley. Yeah. You're saying it right, yeah. Doug's tour manager and friend. And producer of the podcast. Producing both of ours today.

Yeah. Hey, I was catching up on your pod uh on the way in who was the woman you had on and you said she was your best friend katherine bertine bertie fucking brian hennigan doesn't get a fucking look in some woman wanders into your life the fucking guy who gave up stand-up to fucking commit to your career oh no they gave up stand-up the audiences gave up his stand-up yeah it's true i have to stand up bless him but he's a funny fucking real yes absolutely which is often hard to work so yeah it's a very common thing uh and and now with uh the internet there's people that are hilarious on social media that can't say two words in a social

setting oh my god so it's a it's like a third layer of all right i'm funny at the bar but i'm not funny on stage and there's funny on stage where they're not funny anywhere else did you see that rob delaney bloke doing a conan set and you were like why would anyone put this out why would anyone watch late-night fucking talk shows? That's a fucking great point. Although some people are good at doing couch. You see the occasional good couch spot that goes viral. But you'd get that on YouTube because they all post the best clips

of their hour show. They put the seven minutes that are worth watching, and you get it all right there. Or some cunt, some fucking cunt, right? Some cunt took the ending from So I Suppose without the reveal. Did that show, where a fake to racist argument with a plant? No. Isn't that crap?

You were at Edinburgh that year, weren't you? I don't fucking remember Edinburgh. Really? Yeah. remember Edinburgh really yeah I remember like one joke of Glenn Wool's and that's pretty much it the one about doing

cocaine and that's the last thing you want when you're hallucinating is confidence I've quoted it a number of times so good we sat around fucking just chopping around playing with that premise like I think a fucking I've quoted it a number of times we sat around fucking just chopping around playing with that premise

like I think a fucking whole evening not like working on the bit but just like you know when you're hanging out it's like he's got a premise and it's just like what did he say yes officer now I'd like to try your hat I'd like to try your hat but he came up

with a premise years ago what the fuck is that? hang on security cameras you got security cameras? yeah oh you had a stalker didn't you?

X-Day on the yeah it's we get some fans with flavor and sometimes that flavor is odd and you're a bit easy to find. That's my card. Yeah, I'm just recording the lights. It's a 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona

85603. Whoa! Hang on, what? It's just a security camera. Burnsy. I know, but what the fuck are you doing, Koresh? What are you? Jesus fucking Christ! We're trying not to be Koresh? What are you? Jesus fucking Christ. We're trying not to be Koresh. Well, you failed miserably.

To explain this, I think Doug's finally got like his, well, actually every house I think you've ever had, you've had your own bar. He's got his own bar at the back of his place. There's like iron fences everywhere. Everything's super colorful. And the bar is in the back, hence the need for security cameras. Like, alright, who's out front?

You see the UPS guy come up, you go, oh, fuck, UPS is here, because otherwise you're not going to hear him. I can't stress enough, there's nine cameras, folks. And they're Charlie's, like, scrolling through them. So, I also completely underestimated

the drive out here, because I needed to get out of LA and get some country in me. You're based out of LA now, right? Kind of. My wife's a screenwriter. She's been here since November. I always wanted to break America anyway, but it's kind of... My kid's 20 now, so it's the final frontier.

I didn't even know you had a kid. I haven't seen you since 06. Probably would have been the last time I did Edinburgh the last time, 06. So I don't know if I... Oh, I was fresh out of rehab, wasn't I? It was fucking crazy. Yeah, I was 06, I was. And the last I remember, I saw you over here, and that was probably 05 early.

No, when you were doing your Vegas thing. Yeah, the green room, and then you drove to Vegas. Green Room was 2012. Didn't you write a book about that whole trip? Yes. Fear of Hat Loss in Las Vegas. And there's two chapters on you. And you were at Playa del Rey right before we moved to Bisbee.

Yes, that's right. And literally, whenever you and I start to enter into the same circle, I have a bit of a mushroom DMT flashback. So I had to deal with a lot of crazy last night before I got on stage. It was like, Becca, bless him as well, is more than happy to have us back. I'd like to bring a bunch of Aussies to that gig because it's very outback country pub. Chuckleheads. Chuckleheads, yeah.

It's very outback country pub and i think anyone with too much polish wouldn't go i think like what well i lack in polish i may not for in a lack of polish and uh chaley bless him fucking like really herded me like a kitten i'm normally a lot more functioning like that's not i'll raise my hand when i see it uh when you see what me functioning motherfucker you came in hot last night and i can't imagine like going into a gig where you just got off the road took a quick nine and a half hour drive started the mushroom flashback because i did so many mushrooms in 05. He extended it though, Doug. He stayed somewhere in-

Oh, he was in Yuma. Overnight. Yeah, you emailed me from Yuma. And then it took him forever to get here. He was only three hours away and it took him all day to drive here. He got here at like 7.30 at night to the condo. I was actually, I was going to go to Yuma. Well, you emailed me from Yuma.

You didn't say you were staying there. I said I was headed to Yuma, but then I rang Yuma, if you will, to try and book a hotel, and they're all full. They wanted $200. I'm like, I'm not spending $200 to fucking sleep for six hours in Yuma, you cunt. So I drove to Phoenix instead, and then they didn't have room, so I didn't get to bed until 4 or 5 a.m. And then here was way longer because I actually set off really early.

And you shouldn't go you know not to go through phoenix there's the gila bend cutoff i'll show you you're heading out tonight right uh yeah i'm gonna drive through the night to get back uh well i guess you're sober now which is another thing you're deaf and sober now so uh these are things i just want the quick version because your listeners already know this. This is a swap cast. But for me. But this is brand new, right?

I did a lot of mushrooms in 2005. Smuggled 10 kilos into Glastonbury Festival to hand it out to the audience. Oh, I remember you were doing those mushroom shows. It was the worst fucking. Imagine your worst nightmare on mushrooms. shows it was the worst fucking how about imagine your worst nightmare on mushrooms was it was a year to the day that i found out my ex-fiancee uh was seeing another guy in south africa and i was gonna ring her up it was so saccharine and trite as well that's the most embarrassing bit about it a year to the day i found out about it and i was gonna ring a lie from stage to forgive her in a

vain attempt to prove that god existed. And I wrote a fucking poem. And the thing is, I was under the delusion I was shitting Rembrandt at the time, you know, so put no effort into it. I wrote a fucking poem, all of 30 seconds. It was straight out of Teen Angst. And at the last minute on the Sunday when I hand out the mushrooms and the mushrooms have kicked in, Paul Provenza was documenting it, filming it. So he's filming it.

And he comes up and he goes, Brendan, in the middle of my set. And he goes, Brendan, she's blocked your number, which is probably the best thing that could happen. And then after that, I just had like a year-long nervous breakdown, just kept on throwing loads of mushrooms onto it. And I've heard from people that have done DMT. I did DMT as well and a lot of hallucinogens. And you know how they say you can expand your mind.

But who was it? Mack Lindsay had a good joke. Yeah, you can expand your mind, but expand it too far and it fucking snaps. You get stretch marks. That's why I can't commit to it. Yeah, fuck yeah. I still have them Coupled with

I didn't realize this until only recently Major ADHD there's a dent at the back of my head I know a lot of people claim They've got ADHD but I'm pretty sure Charlie will bear witness To it I mean I'm not a doctor but I'd bet on it And they said like

Have you forceps birth Are you what Forceps But I'd bet on it. And they said, like, have you forceps birth? When I went and got it diagnosed. Are you what? Forceps. They clamped your head. They clamped my fucking head. If you feel the back of my head, it's flat. And I said, yeah, I broke my mum's pelvis on the way out.

Fuck yeah. That's how I roll. Big head, I smash cunts. Take that. And how else do you do my accent? Fuck yeah. I fucking love to fuck. How Aussie do my accent get in?

Fuck yeah. I fucking love to fuck. And he goes, yeah, you forced this birth? I said, yeah. And he goes, when did you get like a cocaine or amphetamine addiction? And I went, how do you know that? He goes, it's a textbook. You're self-medicating because your left hemisphere, you can't communicate with your right hemisphere.

So then you fucking throw mushrooms and DNT and all sorts of hallucinogens onto that and you can't communicate with. You're right in the hemisphere. So then you fucking throw mushrooms and D&T and all sorts of hallucinogens onto that and you can invent shit and it goes into your memory. So I can live in complete delusion, make something up, and then I remember it. And the weird thing was, I think around about the time, when you and I met was the last time it was fun. Yeah, I've bailed off the time when you and I met was the last time it was fun. Yeah, I've bailed off of hallucinogens.

Yeah. But I've been thinking, in fact, on this last tour, I go, fuck, I have to do mushrooms again, because I've just, my thinking is stale. Even like microdosing, which everyone's talking about, I should probably do that

a little bit. make sure you're happy yeah well that's what never happens still waiting here's the weird thing folks as well is that whenever i'm around doug i or i can sometimes tell when doug's just been somewhere because i have like a weird mushroomy flashback and when i drove in last night and it wasn't like these days, it only happens during positive events. Like it happened on my wedding day. Oh yeah. I got married.

And I assume that by when you said your wife is a screenwriter. Aren't we fucking pirates? Isn't it funny? I'm going to have to do something that I had to do on stage in Brea, where because of all these people in my life that are positive influences that keep telling me to hydrate, I had to leave stage to take a piss

and make Brendan Walsh come back up and do a bit. So I go piss in the green room. And I'm going to have to go piss right now. So you keep going. I pissed beforehand. I know. I should have. I'll tell you. Doug, go right now so just you keep going i'll tell you i pissed beforehand yeah i know i should have i'll tell you i planned this go right now this is the thing is on tour with doug we always share the same room right and i always wanted to get a video of in the morning i wake

i asleep like a mummy wait a minute hang on you share a room and you don't get a look in on the best friend fucking? Who the fuck? What's wrong with you? It's a business relationship. So I sleep like a mummy and I wake up early, right? It's a fucking parental relationship. So I wake up and I always hear when he gets up, he's a curmudgeon and you don't want to talk to him. I want the staff to somehow interact want to i want like the the staff

to somehow interact with them because then he unloads all his vitriol there but the first thing he does he's since he he never pisses at night on stage he does his whole set drinking the whole time and then we go out and do merch never takes a leak in the morning i always wanted to just run camera of him walking past the camera and you see the back of him at the urinal and just run a clock that he's just unloading basically 18 hours of piss. But those were the beer drinking days. I've switched to cocktails now. But the beer drinking days, I would time them. Like over two two two and a

half minutes because i drive myself everywhere as well like i so i got like a trucker ladder but i if i'm going to do anything that's intense like an ocd i cannot go on stage without pissing a minute before they say my name that's lynn shockcroft. Lynn Shawcroft has the same thing. She gets a wee thing where she's got to cross her legs. And sometimes she'll go to try and piss, and she doesn't have to. It's just a nervous thing right before you go on. It's not that you need to, it's that you could. Yes.

Which sometimes when you go on stage. Right before I go on stage, I always have to think, wow, I should have put a set together. Oh, my God. You think you're shooting Rembrandt? Me too. No, now it's a memory thing. Oh, really?

Yeah. So then sometimes, but that's okay. I like it when your brain tricks you and then you go into something and you're like, why am I starting this bit? Oh, so bring me back to whenever I'm around, Doug, or sometimes when we've just been in the same vicinity, things get a bit mushroomy or DMT-ish. And anyone that's done DMT, there's two experiences.

You know, people say, oh, it's Aliens, man, and we discover that this is a cartoon, an illusion. And the thing is, it just depends how happy you are with the cartoon. I've had this discussion with Rogan many a times. You do it and you see a whole new world, and I see a whole new world, but I'm still fucked and stuck in this one. Yeah, it's not like...

Yeah, and almost like... But also, it's an example of we're fucking this up. We are fucking this up royally. This simulation is the shit joke one. This simulation's fucking hack. Fucking Schwarzenegger is governor? Fucking how hack? Fucking Trump is president?

Like, get an idea. Fucking give us, like, you know, someone wacky. Just like, you know how people like oh you couldn't write this shit yeah you fucking good oh i fucking hate that expression you couldn't make this stuff up well maybe you're not clever because i can make up way better shit or just change your behaviors and so yeah sometimes like you know how like when you change your behaviors and you go somewhere different, that's when extreme coincidences occur, which is why we're kind of like pirates.

There's only a handful of pirate comics on the planet, but you go off to sea and you come back and it's like, I got married and had a kid. Yeah, I don't care. You're here now. And consequently… I love that. Pirate comics.

I had, for the first time in ages, a mushroom reality strip away flashback as I drove into Bisbee last night because Bisbee's already a bit trippy. Once you go through that tunnel, you're like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. That's how we found it. And then 14 years later. And the thing is, the DMT version of the hallucinogens and the fucking retarded brain that I'm trying to keep on focus. Oh, I used the R word, didn't I? Fuck.

You know, but I am. So fuck you. I called me it. Oh, it's part of your culture. Well, I'm missing a fucking word. As long as we don't do cultural appropriation of your words, but where you're from. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Those fucking white woke cunts. Okay, you'll love it. If you're white and you declare yourself woke, you just appropriated someone else's culture, and you did it in the cuntiest way imaginable. Because woke used to mean, sorry, listeners, I've said this on my show a few times, but it's for you. Go ahead.

Sorry, listeners, I've said this on my show a few times, but it's for you. Go ahead. Woke used to mean, it's a black American or Afro-Caribbean American term, it means stay woke, look out, you are prey in this world. Put your hand on the steering wheel and you get pulled over. Don't run in a hoodie. There's a fucking million ways for you to die.

And fucking white cunts, fucking pseudo-liberal, fucking so lacking in altruism, white cunts stole the word, declared themselves woke, and changed it to mean everyone else is in the dark but me. Fuck you! And then I went on Race Wars. Oh, Yamanika, we'll get into that in a sec, in a pin. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Yamanika the comic? Yamanika. We'll get into that in a sec, in a pin. Oh, Yamanika, the car? Yamanika, we'll get into that.

That's the car. Because she's good people, man. She's good people. And I listened to it. She loves Doug. And I have the utmost faith that when I give you the objectivity on it, you're going to go, oh, yeah, that's fucked. So I did that on Race Wars.

And then a couple of people messaged me because it's quite a popular podcast, and I did it on a couple of podcasts here, and it started popping up, and other people started kind of doing the bit, but it's kind of an opinion. How can you own an opinion? But it was almost worded exactly the same, and that really fucked me off, which means as a human being, I want change. I know, but as a human being, I want change,

but weirdly, as a comic, I want credit more. I say that a lot because once you think you're the first person to put something out, I implore comics. Listen, if I ever die and get Bill Hicks, don't avoid the fucking important premises because one guy did it that's revered those are important things no one's you know saying that often enough like the jury duty bit that wasn't funny is the most important bit i ever did taking jury duty is way more important than voting and i did a 2004 i did a bit about it but it wasn't that funny. It wasn't something that gets viral. So steal that fucking premise and rewrite it. And I'm wholly behind you on putting that out there.

That should be the hackneyed premise instead of whatever the current one is now. Look at who was the guy you were counting off the other week. Malasco, Manalco, bloody physical do that. Yeah. Did I do that on a podcast? American Psycho. I did that on a podcast? Yeah.

I don't like to fucking shit on comics. It's hard for people to make a fucking living. You grow up after a while. And also, you're kind of the man. You are the man. And when you're the man. I'm sorry, Sebastian Maniscalco. I know you've had a hard road

and you've put in a lot of hours and just not for me. And I need a comic to use as an example for my audience. Yes. Like when people bitch about the ticket price. You know how much Larry the Cable guy is charging? Someone in my audience

wouldn't necessarily that becomes hack of who to pick like we had michael mcintyre in the uk and you'd have open micas shitting on michael mcintyre going he sucks and i'm like oh really try following him on a thursday in cardiff before he was famous and tell me how shit he is. Killing is hard. You know, it's like, oh, look at the boy that guy's killing with. The UK was the hardest where if I had a bit where I needed an example of a shitty comic, there's almost no crossover.

So if I said, Larry the Cable Guy was a moment, there was always someone and I've been living here for 14 years, but in the UK, they'd go, well, Michael McIntyre is the guy that everyone goofs on. And he's a good comic. But it would be disingenuous for me to act like I know him. So I was so thankful for Russell Brand crossing over into the States where now I have someone i legitimately don't like that works

in both places waggery rapey beekeeper oh yeah he's he uh was a judge on the oh this uh because we could only hope well we have to watch it in the uk because we have libel laws but on when he was a judge on roast battle and i was helping some comics with that, no one was allowed to roast him. You know who had the same thing? Or I don't know. This might not be accurate, but when they did the roast of Dennis Leary, don't say he ripped off Bill Hicks. I don't know if that was a rule or they just edited out everyone who did go that way. Well, admittedly, on the Roast Battle UK one, the producers on the first...

Oh, Roast Battle. Roast Battle UK was... I think it was a lot of people that had come from reality TV and they didn't understand the difference between roasting and genuine conflict. So they were, like, saying shit. They were bitching, like saying shit that someone else said about the other. The thing is, it doesn't really work if there's an axe to grind

unless someone's braggadocious. That's why I would be horrible at roast battle or comedy central roast because I'd just come up with mean shit to say that's not funny. I don't know these people

i can't and also like i end up inadvertently bragging although that's how i wound up moving here finally as well was i did uh just give me a quick recap because people know you but uh so you got sober when oh okay uh 2006 when we first met, relapsed in 2009, haven't had a drop since. All right. But you've been in the UK until just recently? International scene. This podcast is Dumb White Guy. It's because I was going to different countries and coming up with new 20 Minutes.

Are you the Tom Rhodes of the UK? Tom Rhodes is the man. He's another pirate but even us internationals who and i and but you know there are people that are to the tour overseas but like when you say international it's not we're not talking canada uh you guys i know tom rhodes is like fucking koala lump war or some shit like this is. Like, we're all pussies compared to him. Yeah. He went on the road

for 10 years, put his stuff in storage. I had him on my show only the other week and I even said like, he's the man. When some people go like, shit,

you're doing Malaysia one week and you're in Koala Lumpur, you're in China, you're in Estonia, you're in whatever. And I'm going to try and put together some Africa shows as well.

All South Africa. Jesus. We did the second ever. I was at the second ever South Africa festival five years after the end of apartheid. At the time, I didn't realize what it was. Now looking back. Africa? That's pretty cool.

South Africa. In Cape Town. Yeah. Which is like the liberal area of South Africa. And by the way, a South African liberal has no time for political correctness. They're like, I smuggled guns so I could fuck a black woman. What did you way, a South African liberal has no type of political correctness. They're like, I smuggled guns so I could fuck

a black woman. What did you do, you stupid cunt? Or what, you got upset on Twitter? Or, you called that proactive.

I smuggled guns for the ANC so I could stick my penis in a black woman. Wow, that fucking, that accent

didn't commit did it so well you already have a different one anyway so we are we wouldn't know oh i was i last week's show i had a guy called uh tatenda mutzi uh zimbabwean filmmaker doing stand-up here and he got up trying to do a character and i said you can't mate not in America, because you're already a character. And the weird thing is all us foreigners here really stick together because it's here more than any other country in the world. Maybe Japan. Like, we're Gaijins. Like, we're just foreign.

Just foreign. Be foreign. What? You also have a relationship? Like, there's no concept whatsoever of how other countries relate to one another. It's just how do they relate to the states. That's it. And he got up and tried to do a character.

And just everyone was like, what? No. A Zimbabwean guy doing a character? No. Look, you're already a cartoon. You're already not real. You don't exist. You come from a made-up country, and you've got the funny accent. And because a Zimbabwean accent from a Catholic school sounds kind of English,

he again was doing the roast battle show at the comedy store. And just even the judges, the comedian judges, just interrupted him, just started yelling at him, going, stop doing this fake accent. Bullshit. Your fake African accent's pissing me off. And the black guys were going you put on an african accent shitting me i'm like first of all man africa ain't a country right second of all there's more cultures languages countries uh and and uh ethnicities and

during this podcast two countries have just changed names in africa yes exactly you know what i mean it's more culturally diverse than any other fucking continent and it's just africa and you're like you dumb motherfuckers yeah you know but uh and i was saying to him you can't do a character here like because we are we're already you know there's no like it just people can't fathom it and uh like i'm already like so yeah if you if you played zimbabwe and you went into a fargo accent from your usual southern accent i still don't know of you know liverpool versus like those you can't spot a liverpoolian one that's pretty strong though but i wouldn't know what it is. All right, you fucking hordes.

All right, we're the funniest people in the world. When I'd play the UK, they'd say, who are your favorite? Because at that point, all the comics I knew were from the fringe festivals, 02, 04, 06. Those are the ones I did. And they'd go, who's your favorite, uh, British comics.

And I'd go, Oh, so-and-so. Oh, he's Australian. So-and-so. He's our Irish. I think Jimmy Carr,

I think is the only one I know that's British. Actually. Is he? Oh, all right. He, uh, he, uh, he changed. He was a changer, actually, because we were all pillheads.

We'd just go up and fucking... It was rock and roll. Comedy was the new rock and roll, as they said. It was in Edinburgh. And in the 90s, ecstasy was... And I realized I was too old to rock and roll, even back then. I remember seeing Glenn Wool coming back. It was his third day awake,

and he was on his way to do a children's show, and he said he had to take ecstasy to stay awake. I was on that show! He did it! He was lying down the entire time! And he just goes, Hello, boys and girls. Do any of you boys and girls out there have a lonely mommy?

And he goes, tell me, do you have a lonely mommy who likes gin? And he's just like, he's doing the whole thing on his back. He just goes, boys and girls, don't get married. And the organizers got so upset with him. But anytime you do the kids show, just don't say fuck or cunt. And you can do whatever. And the kids loved it don't say fuck or cunt and you can do whatever and the kids loved it because it's just a wait this wasn't a backyard party this was like no this was a scheduled show during the festival it's the comedy club oh wow and then the barrier

really the if you're working edgy in the comedy club for kids the thing that you fuck with is the dynamic between the mom the dad and the kid so you let the kids run over, you know, take over, and the place goes nuts. Yeah. But so that's 2006. So that was my first Edinburgh back after rehab, after all the DMT, the mushrooms, the delusions, and everything. Pretty broken, quite an open wound, I think, at the time.

And then also because you've been in a mental institution because I even got sectioned in the mental institution so because inside a mental institution there's another mental institution

and I said this on last week's show sorry but that's alright I have way more listeners so do you?

no I don't have any idea I was just being a prick do you? I don't know I have no idea don't you? you must know Charlie do you? I know everything do you? yeah okay i don't know i have no idea don't you you must know charlie do you i

know everything do you yeah okay i don't know what you know about your listeners it doesn't matter i don't go and look at other people's they're happy that i'm happy to hear this again oh so i need to intro you better as well so doug stanhope is i suppose like uh in the the u.s you're you're you're definitely one of the the the best examples of a hybrid i think like you're born of festival circuit but also comedy club and then you i based my business model on yours since 2015 and actually in the post-boom period uh in the is this a post-boom this hold on in the period in the post-boom period in the UK. Is this a post-boom? Hold on. In the period post-boom period in the UK, yeah.

But you just meld the explanation of who Doug is with you used the business model that he developed back in 2005. Yes, that's right. I thought you just kind of glossed over one to bridge to the other. For both our listeners, you have to understand, I have been living down here in the middle of nowhere for 14 years. So I see almost no stand-up comedy.

I don't go to festivals. If I go to the comedy store, it's like a high school reunion. But I don't know anything that's going on as far as boom or not boom. I just know if I'm fucking selling tickets. Yeah. So I wasn't bridging that way at all.

No, I was just saying, I think without saying you're incorrect, that's your impression, is he's a road comic. He started on the road. That's where I'm going with this. Okay. I'm sorry. Because when I hear festival, he runs from festival. I said hybrid. That's where I'm going with this. Okay, I'm sorry. Because when I hear festival, that is... He runs from festivals.

That's true. I've done some festivals that went poorly. No, you were very admired at festivals. You were beloved immediately. Oh, okay. You were embraced. I immediately went back to music festivals. I couldn't do a Bonnaroo comedy

tent. I did Leeds and Reading. Oh, and they fucking... Fucking booed me up. Well, we had no one up in Amsterdam, too. If you had been up there eight years earlier, and you would have fucking crushed. But it was millennials, and like, why is the nasty man being...

No, I... Once I... I went on after you that day, I think. There's a video of actually me getting people to throw bottles at a guy. Someone threw... But they were plastic, empty water bottles. And then at the end, someone threw an apple core. Because I was like, go ahead, throw shit.

I don't give a fuck. And someone threw an apple core at me. And that's how I closed. I ate the core. Yeah. And then you said, what kind of pussy crowd throws plastic bottles? Yeah. We're not allowed glass.

This is the UK. We'll fucking stab each other. So where I was going with that is he is the hybrid of the road comic and festival comic. In that, he's got the strength of bits in that every bit is going somewhere and has beats and punchlines and so on, but also knows how to structure an hour instinctively, like writing to premise like the bits your bits are longer than most uh because you have a a very unique viewpoint premise like i could guarantee that if you were to go down like your albums whatever bit is titled is not what it is in your head whatsoever yeah we we've just went through this where like i have a chunk you know that if you put out a physical product they want to break it up

into tracks yeah and the last album mental illness is one track it just veers off and comes back and that's like 22 minutes and they act like this is 1970 where we can't play a 22 minute track exactly find you fucking with the marketplace here i can't believe i can't any american comic that like first of all of your skill set was your parents happened to fuck you right don't be swaggering around going we're the best in the world no some of you are the best in the world you just happen to be near them. Like, I could drop you anywhere on this fucking planet and you'd get killed.

But that's every country. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Or district or province or down to neighborhoods. Even in this, Bisbee is 5,000 people, and I think we have 13 suburb town names or sections. Neighborhoods. Yeah.

I did not expect this to be in a neighborhood. They say, oh, well, this is Warren. We live in Warren. Yeah. He lives in a suburb of Bisbee, Arizona, which is also a historic landmark because it's an old mining town, and it's the stop gap between Los Angeles and Texas. Is that right? It was.

And we're seven miles north of the U.S.-Mexican border. Yes. And I do have to say, I don't know if, Doug, you saw this on the cameras. Well, you couldn't. Brendan, when he got here, he drove up the street, and we saw him on the cameras. He turned around, and then I went out to go take a leak, and he's yelling as he's driving down the street.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What's going on?

And we wouldn't have heard that, but we saw you on security cameras. You see? All right, I think we have to take a break, so remember where we were. 20 minutes ago we should have took a break, but I love the energy here. Yes. This is going to be quick. We're going to be right back alright, yeah, okay

break and and cocktails well don't I feel like a cunt, g'day listeners, Doug's listeners Brendan Burns here, yes I've since discovered they get way more listeners or you get way more listeners.

Or there's way more of you. I don't know. I was doing my utmost not to turn Doug's face into the Black Hole Sun music video at the time. Staving off a schizophrenic attack. Anyway, I did a shitty job of explaining what our podcast is. It's called Dumb White Guy. We travel around the world interviewing comics of different ethnicity, sexuality sexuality and gender to me and asking them dumb white guy questions and i try and put up sets from around the world on the international scene where i'm the only white guy in the room

and i guess where there's a parallel is it's an ongoing narrative so if you pick up the show from now won't make any fucking sense go back and listen listen to, I guess, Big Brendan and Little Luke's Outback Adventures. Or is that what that was called? Asian Adventures with Nick Sun. Road to Estonia. Closing the Chasm with Craig Quartermain. Or you can even check out the story of Dumb White Guy on Pippa.io or Acast, I think, across the US. Or go to BrendanBurns.net.

Don't be a cunt about it. All right. I should be back. During that Matt Becker gig sometime in July. I don't know. I'll put it up soon. Anyway, back to the pair of us talking shit. Have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated?

Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey, what am I doing over there? You keep pulling me over for what? I'm going to call my attorney. What's his name again? If you've ever been inebriated, then Kevin Brown will take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown is my motherfucker.

I'll call my attorney. You're going to tase me? I'll call Matt Dirty. You gonna tase me? I'll tase you, motherfucker. Kevin Brown, he'll tase you with the law. I was, uh, uh, I listened to satellite radio. I don't know if I'm the only one, but there's, there's a commercial for a life insurance company. I did that whole bit on the pop-off vodka presents. I don't know if anyone actually bought that,

but there's some good material on it. You get it on iTunes. We have the VHS version for Funny, but I think that's just one of the bits. Pop-Up Presents. Yeah, the VHS that we put out. The collector's item. Yeah, that's...

Signed and numbered. But in that bit, I talk about whore voice on satellite radio commercials, and it's like whores, and adamandeve.com. We have a gif so naughty, we can't mention it. During Howard Stern, really, you can't mention it. So that was the bit. But now there's a bit for a commercial for a fucking health insurance company that adds in whore voice.

Hey, if you just answer four questions, honey, we can get a life insurance quote. What voice? Is it like whispery? Well, it's that. Oh, if you, adamandeve.com. A gift so naughty. Oh, what? Your postman will have an erection putting it in your butt.

But that's... But that's for a dildo company. So it makes... At least it makes sense. Come on, give me that laugh. Come on, Doug. Give me that laugh. You're too used to him.

Pernsy, this is a life insurance where they they put sexuality into live something to your friends and family and kids no no it's it's it's the uh the sitcom like you know how they unnecessarily do commercials where they write a play. Honey, do you know we could get life insurance? I'm so fed up with these cell phones. Wait, you don't have a Marist phone, do you? Because that's the easy phone to use. So this

one is for how quickly you can get a quote for life insurance. I just got one. $59 a month for me. Which I worry about. Sorry. I got my rental car insurance. I just got one. $59 a month for me. Which I worry about. Sorry. I got my rental car insurance. Let me just finish this. Come on, finish it. It was a fucking dumb thing so we could get back to it.

Yeah. They go, oh, and you just answer four questions and then afterwards, well, if we just got life insurance that quick, what are we going to do with the rest of the night? Oh, I don't know. We'll think of something.

I know. I know. I know. Oh, I thought we were going to have to spend all night getting life insurance and not be able to fuck. They're putting fucking into a life insurance. Now with this extra time

and no stress, so stronger erections you can chuck it up me until i fucking tap out chuck one up as trev ethos ethos insurance.com so you can spend the rest of the night sucking a car get a fucking stiff one up here so australia would just you must have noticed like that's the hack thing that foreigners do when they

go to Australia for the first time is they talk about like how cheap the adverts are and it's like at late night.

It's just a bloke with a shop yelling. So it's like, I'm married, I've got a shop, fucking come

on. Like a bloke, there's Ken Bruce has gone mad. It's just a bloke with a shop and he's

like, God, Ken Bruce has gone mad, look I've got fucking couches and shit. And everyone's like, God, Ken Bruce has gone mad. Look, I've got fucking couches and shit.

And everyone comes there. So anytime anyone comes there, like, that's a major network. And it's like, this guy is advertising. Come on down to Kev's warehouse. I've got fucking washing machines and fucking look at that. She's got some tits. Yeah. I'll have to fuck.

That would definitely be an aussie ad of just the short version of canvas would be fucking brian's health insurance go fuck start fucking um but where was i going oh yes so doug i is i think instinctively like the perfect example of a hybrid of he writes to premise because a lot of people are under the impression that international festival comics, there are a lot of theme shows. I want to back you up for a minute. Yeah. Once that, like the Edinburgh years and as that went,

once I started to develop an audience, I would play to my audience. I know what they're going to listen to. So I don't do spots at the comedy store. I haven't for many years, 15 years. I don't do comedy seller. I play only to the people that pay money to see me that know it. So for me to go into a festival, any kind of music festival, mixed bill show where they don't know me, yeah, it's not going to fucking work. Because the opener requires trust.

Like you open with a lot of bits that most people would put in at 45, where you've established a trust and a rapport with the audience. But it's like- They already know me. If you're sitting in a fucking tent at bumble shoot or whatever the fuck it is in amsterdam oh my god we went there people would get let's get out of the sun for a little bit they come in and they have you doing your material they're just trying to like sit down have a drink you know without it being you know the the rat race of a big, huge festival. And the Dutch notoriously don't react until the headliner.

Tell me about it. Yeah. They famously, but if you tell them, don't do that, they then go, oh, well, then perhaps we should laugh and clap. That's why I just work the fucking great comedy club there in Amsterdam. It's tiny. Toomler. It's the shit, yes.

Everyone loves it. But those people know who I am and my bit, my act over the years has become like a series, basically. Like, yeah, you probably know who Bingo is.

You know these people, so... Like a sitcom. Like you get used to the characters. Yeah. I mean, I've never even heard you talk about this, but it is kind of right because at the merch booth,

people will ask about, like, Castle Rock Kenny. People will be taking photos with you. Yeah. Well, I look pretty good when I'm on tour. Do you?

Oh, I'm dressed up. You dress up, maybe? But they will ask about characters. Not many men your age could pull off blue hair. Well,

let's, we'll call it blue. That's not blue? When he's on tour, it's blue. What version of you? It better be blue. If I get in that tour van

and my hair's not blue, Stan Hope has some fucking words for me on the way to Amarillo. I'll tell you that right now. I can't tell whether you're fucking with me or not.

No, we're not. Really? Well, we both dress in silly fucking vintage suits and Chaley ties his tie real short and i tie mine too long now the reason you wear a costume to work is that costume yeah is that like uh yeah it's a costume it's a costume it's not a costume he dresses like he dresses like doug stanhope the comedian character he does look at it i've fucking seen it in photos and shit

and everything it might be the outfit that you like but it's still very similar every time look just wait to see where i'm going with shit i'm listening right is is like i look at these cameras and the fucking fences and uh going out to the middle of nowhere is there some fucking shield or masks there to protect yourself after the damages of DMT? And you're, like, frightened of this? No, I have an answer for you. Like you, shitting Rembrandt. For my whole career, I've gone through periods of wearing stupid shit. Like, there was a whole year in the 90s, or two years,

I wore a Santa hat for no reason. There was a whole year in the 90s, or two years, I wore a Santa hat for no reason. But the vintage suits kind of stuck, but I would wear dumb shit. Chaley and I, there was a time I was wearing fucking vinyl Daisy Dukes in Hollywood, California, with one nut hanging out. But when it really stuck is... I'm not belittling, by the way. I am saying... I have an answer

where I realized when I was in that period of I'm very important and I'm saying important things to wear something silly kind of offset that where I'm not fucking a guy in a suit that's railing on politics. I'm a guy in a suit that's railing on politics i'm a guy in a fucking ridiculous 70s used car salesman suit so i can i feel like that like great balances it's greater

license it's like if there's an acceptance and an understanding of okay we all know i'm fucking ridiculous uh and uh and drunk yeah and so if i'm, I don't have to commit to any of this, then you can say whatever the fuck. It's like Stuart Lee was saying, oh, Stuart Lee, the character, like said that. But he was slagging off other comics, like even in print. It was like, what are you doing in print though, mate? Yeah, he slagged us off in print.

Did he? Yeah, the unbookables. When we did the unbookables that year, 2006. Who's Stuart Lee? He's a great UK comic.'s brilliant he is and but at some point i think like he he got too much critical acclaim and started pandering to that and that that adulation fucked with this i read that fucking book and there's a thing where he says uh they even came over with the show the un unbookables, but you're being booked.

Well, it's American unbookables. Yeah. People who can't get booked in America. Yeah. But also you'd like, mate, do you really want people starting to point out the inconsistencies in your

stuff? But I don't know when he's kidding or not. I don't understand. He's got a level of intelligence that I don't have, or he, I don't know when he's kidding or not. It's like hanging out with fucking stoners. I don't know. His I don't know when he's kidding or not it's like hanging out with fucking stoners I don't know his latest hour it's amazing he's gone back to what he's good at and that's

just being a brilliant fucking comedian I never thought he was anything but I just don't know what the fuck with is his fan base half his fan base is cool and the other half are cunts they're like i can identify with that right yeah so hence the security camera yeah i know just like look at this i've created a fucking caress environment you're constructing your own death so the move to bisbee like so let's go back again so doug is definitely what i would call like one of the handful of pirate hybrids on the planet in that yes he's a rogue comic yes he does bits but maybe not bitty bits so much anymore but ari shafir is a good example now as well his latest hour is fucking amazing because he took it to edinburgh and was just just thought had the greatest attitude of i don't care about reviews

nothing he did an hour after he did the double album yes he's done three hours at the Edinburgh and he worked out Edinburgh Festival way quicker than most a lot of people were trying to

go to paid venues and paid venues are horrible now everyone's gone to the free free for my listeners American comedy goers in the UK, they do this Edinburgh Festival every year. But it's always a themed show, almost like a play. No, no.

Is that different now? No, I've worked out the difference. Yes, there's themed shows, but that's people that aren't good. They're bad. That's people like trying to... And I realize now... It's been 13 years since i've been there but it's weird because it's like in the u.s say like in new york they're 15

years ahead in some respects and 15 years behind like in terms of structuring an hour the u.s is 15 years behind because they like they thought nanette was groundbreaking and it's like no it's an edinburgh show and not only that it's the same edinburgh show that everyone does at 10 years because you've got to look at that system. You have to come up with that shit in January. And then you are also risking to be charged 10,000 pounds for it. You can fucking go into debt over it. What does that mean?

There was a famous story with Stuart Lee last time I was there. Again, 13 years ago. But one of the bigger rooms, he sold out every show and he got paid like 26 pound at the end. I don't know. Again, that's a rumor, but not- A lot of us have migrated to the free fringe now, and it's just gotten to the stage where-

Is that under fringe? Free fringe. Actually, I didn't realize as well. I did the first one back in 96. My first ever Edinburgh Festival hour was the first, was the precursor to the free fringe. And the notion of the free fringe is you don't pay to get in and we don't pay to rent the room.

And then at the end of the show, people hand money in a bucket. Now, the weird thing is at the paid venues, if you're not like a big name, you will get handed a bill for £10,000. Oh. But if you put your ego to one side you will get handed a bill for 10 000 pounds oh but if you put your ego to one side and you realize that you've got to beg for cash with a bucket at the end and the place is packed and the crowd's already rooting for you and it's underground and it's punk rock and it's it's a guy that was going to pay 10 will think nothing of putting 20 if you made him

absolutely laughing yeah yeah so and there's not there's no strong arm to it either. It's really kind of like the DIY kind of ethic. That's right. Yeah, yeah. That's the model that I borrowed the DIY thing from you guys, is I was fucking miserable going to reputable comedy clubs, playing to my fan base that I worked like fucking two decades to cultivate, and there'd still be a cunt that I had spent money to try and market to,

that I wouldn't cross the street to piss off. And they'd ruin the show. And it was a fan that she said to me, and it's the last special, we go into it, and I think I reference you a lot as well, is because people were under the impression that I'd come up with that model. And I said, and I was like, no, it's Stan Hope, of doing anything but a comedy club. We hid.

I under publicized. I did secret shows. I spent no money on marketing and the crowd sold. If people want to be in a particular town, they would message me directly on Facebook and I'd say, prove you can sell me 50 tickets in under 24 hours. Oh, that's interesting. And everyone keeps their money down. I think we're going to steal that from you.

But it was a blast because you turn up. Yeah yeah it's not stealing if it's a good idea and then uh but it was definitely like used to play bowling alleys used to do anything but a comedy club indie music venues and so that's doug's the guy that i got that model from or brian was it you or brian i i in case he's listening which he's not but uh david cross and a couple other people started doing that before i did he's definitely not listening but yeah but they were doing it they were doing it in friendly camps like Athens, Georgia, that one major bar, hipster venue. That means go? No, Athens. Oh, yeah.

It's like the fucking, is it a number of 420 Club or I don't know. David Cross filmed a special there. Yeah. Oh, Memphis. It was in Memphis. I remember. No, no, no. This is Athens.

But Athens is a hippie kind of town. We're doing this in fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas, or Lafayette, Louisiana. Yeah. When you went and did that tour. I'm saying when we started four walling places and working for door deals and rock and roll clubs, we're not doing it in towns that already know us and are friendly. You're going in cold. You were going in cold.

So you wouldn't have been playing fans. Well, yeah, no, we're playing a fans, but not necessarily Fargo. Yeah. We had a couple of fans at the aquarium and then other people.

Anyway. But often you'll have them vouch for you and then bring friends of friends and stuff. And it becomes like a bit of a party atmosphere. Part of it was the fact that everything was kind of colliding where you could get the MySpace or the Facebook. And then ticketing came online because brown paper tickets. That was the first thing we did. And the only reason we even picked them was because it was a company that charged 99 cents. Oh, that's –

And that was part of it. It was like – and it was because I lived in Seattle at the time. And I go, what about them? Yeah. And it was one of those things where everything kind of like – I think – There was a problem with the comedy club with Sean Raskin. If there was a first place that I remember was Harvey's Comedy Club,

one of the worst places ever. Where the guy would just, he wouldn't watch your act, but he'd come in the next day and just read comment cards. And hey, you get some bad comment cards. Paper in the room with the calling center. And it was like seven shows.

You ever see Andy Kindler's bit on that? He did it at the Montreal where he goes, I can't play it. Like they go through the phone. Where do they get these people? He didn't say that, but he was like going through the phone book and going, hi, you've won the answering the phone competition.

Listen, do you have 20 or 30 friends who've never been to comedy and have no idea how to behave in public? That's exactly what this place was. He would brag to you that he doesn't have to advertise because he has the biggest telemarketing staff. And you'd get those, I ain't never won nothing in my life people that would come. And so I would have like good-

I don't believe it. We had our art form in content and then I lost all my money. That happened with Jonglers. They went down again. Like that's why the post-boom period it got overexposed with michael mcintyre's road show and that transient kind of reality tv audience that now goes to x factor or needs to see themselves was in comedy for a little bit you know and then uh the clubs pandered to that and then the real rock and roll comedy fans fucked off because every comic seemed the same and that audience was always going to leave so in the post-burn period and a bit of a fucking

come to jesus moment i borrowed your business model and it's still like i'm gonna it's not even a borrowed go just if doug is i think uh it's also unconsciously as well i think uh the the a great example of a hybrid of someone that writes to premise so it's not bitty bits, knows how to structure an out. Like you could put him anywhere. Like, okay, maybe a music festival, whatever. People might need a ramp. But if you put you in one of the international comedy festivals,

you know, comedy fans are going to know who you are. And let's face it, when you first came to the Edinburgh Festival, your gig was packed with comedians uh and uh like the generation i suppose two or three generations before me i know that generation like they all went to see you and you were beloved immediately and uh because sometimes people have too much polish and again we we lack polish because we end up working that was also where everyone was. I was intimidated because everyone had a themed set. So it's got the entire set.

They had a because to this day, when I play the UK journalists, well, what is your show about? I go, it's fucking bits. So I wasn't doing. There's a backlash to that now, actually, is that, again, I was like plugging Ari's thing. It was great that he, I think instinctively, because when I talked to him about it, he didn't know he'd done it. He knew the difference between theme and writing to premise. And writing to premise is you have the idea for the show

and you write about that for an hour. A theme is, 2012 was a very difficult year for me. Fuck off. So we all do that show. But because a lot of the co-critics and journalists who now actually don't have the power they used to, which is why the backlash is coming, they're theatre critics. So they come over from theatre into comedy. And that's why visiting American acts would actually get a bit of leeway

because they can just write about you and what you are and your voice. But if we're going there 10 years in a row, making them, they don't want to work. They're people that want to go to shows for free. They're not journalists. All right. So it's like, oh, motherfucker, I've got to try and explain what Burns is again. So then if you don't have a structure and also if you don't point out the structure, the touchstones, because they sometimes won't even give you credit as the author of even understanding your own fucking work,

particularly as Aussies. Foreigners, we get it a lot because there's a lot of snooty kind of English dudes. So Canadians, Australians, and Irish, like you said, we're kind of the better comics there because we came from somewhere that had no comedy, and then all of a sudden there's somewhere where you can work seven nights a week week and these fucking cunts are dining out on their 20 minutes for 10 years.

And we're like, fucking eat our dust. I came from the most remote city on the fucking planet. Comedians are like cabbage patch kids. They don't exist. And you motherfuckers are going to bitch that you're fucking, oh, it's not as good as it used to be. Fucking 20 minutes you had. And so I used to even get shit for recording stuff and having albums.

And I was like. Oh, that was a big thing. Like selling merch was frowned upon. In Edinburgh? In the UK. Just at clubs. It's how I'm living. I was banned from so many clubs.

My first five years there i think like i made my living headline in universities because i got lucky because one of my albums got passed around like a jerky's boy thing that was the other thing i was going to say any fucking us comic that isn't minted you get royalty and airplay there's radio and sirius and satellite that plays doesn't censor you and you get get royalty checks. That's another topic. The censorship over there is... I guess it's... No.

Well, there's a watershed. Well, you can say... UK or Australia? UK. I guess it's... I don't know anymore. Melbourne's even more so. The guiltier the environment,

the more politically correct they are. Like the Swiss don't want to hear fucking anything because they're sitting on Nazi gold Melbourne looks down its nose upon the rest of Australia and is like oh the rest of Australia is so racist there's no Aboriginal problem here it's like you killed them all

it's one of the few times it's so phony playing Melbourne saying I guess you guys are all racist it's one of the times i remember successfully committed it's so phony playing melbourne saying yeah i guess you guys are all racist and getting a cheer in melbourne in melbourne but my my fan base and that's why i have to no no melbourne is going oh yes that's right australia is excluding themselves from that not with my fan base i don't know i don't know i don't i don't go out and make friends but i would say when i was doing charlie booker birch table so he doesn't interact that's unless it's a subway he does he so belongs what when i was doing charlie booker

thing like what you could not say like it was more politically correct in the UK versus where here it's words. You can't say fuck or cunt. The political correctness here is xenophobic. It's racist. Even the fucking, I'm in LA right now and I've never seen, this was the thing I was saying at the show last night. Just people were like, you kind of put that into words. show last night of just people were like you kind of put that into words was uh was um i've never seen so much moral posturing coupled with complete lack of altruism it's so fucking it's like an awards ceremony someone going oh haiti we stand with you and haiti's going fix your backyard cunt

right like i i was riding around on a bicycle the first couple of weeks I was there. And it's been 10 years since I've been there. So it's like the balling the frog situation. Shit's getting turned up. The heat's getting turned up slowly, but surely the frog doesn't notice it dies. Yeah. And the homelessness there now and the disparity of wealth is not first world. I've only seen shit like that in India, South Africa.

Like fucking no healthcare. Everyone's armed to the teeth. They live in fucking gated communities. Homeless people now, there's an outbreak of fucking typhoid. Fucking typhoid. Like so a ye olde virus. So I don't care how much fucking money you make.

If you don't take care of your less fortunate people, an airborne virus isn't going to go, i better ring the buzzer fucking just the motorways ain't finished and now with the royalty checks i'm paying my taxes in this country and i'm fucking furious going where's my money going cunt this motorway isn't finished it goes to nowhere you You're South Africa with snacks. How fucking dare you? And it picks a colour like no other. It picks a colour in a way that claims is not being racist. Their rules of political correctness are so fucking racist and colour divisory and xenophobic.

You ask them on their heritage and they go, oh, that's racist, I'm American. And you're like, no, that's xenophobic. You ask them on their heritage and they go, oh, that's racist, I'm American. And you're like, no, that's xenophobic. How the fuck has this bubble managed to brainwash you into thinking that other countries are a fucking insult? They sold you this bill of goods and you just go, oh, that's fucking racist to acknowledge that Asia exists. Like, what are you on about?

And I don't know how, when I put some punchlines in, this is going to work. Yeah. But right now I'm just fucking livid. But back to Doug is, so like you said, with the 22-minute bit, you still, you write the way a festival guy would, but on the road. But you also have the beats of, you know.

So, yeah, I confused. When you said festival, my mind went immediately to music festival, mixed bill shit. Yeah, I mean comedy festival. Yeah, Edinburgh. Yeah, I could probably do Edinburgh, but why? It's so abusive of the artists. They fuck you and everyone's still we had a thing one i i don't know if it's 04 or 06 no it's one of the off years where it came out

that the at that time the average comedian playing the edinburgh fringe festival lost uh the equivalent of 15 000 us dollars it was like also some agencies would go hey if you sell it out you might break even like what but then the free for a month free fridge is massive now for for the listener that's a month yeah where you're like just stacked in bunks yes because there's 3 000 shows on 24 hours a day i think like first show usually goes up at 11 a.m and the last show finishes at four or five so as a pr stunt i'll say we put uh because that came out they had the exact figure of what the average comedian loses doing that. Again, 13 years ago. So we spent $300 to put in the program that I will do one show for one person for that amount of money.

And then get an email. Hey, is Doug available on this date to do a private party? Which no one ever wants me to do a corporate gig, but it was a sports book place, online sports betting, sports bet review. Fucking heady, dude. Doesn't matter. And hennigan yeah the filthy scotsman always he doesn't say i'm not available he says oh well it would cost you 25 000 dollars

and they didn't blink so now we have this conundrum where what if one guy does buy that ticket where we're going to lose money? Because the average audience number used to be three. Oh, my God. It still is, I think, actually, but except for the free fringe now. You have to line up because also you tell people that they can't have something because everything sells out and you have to line up early to get in because it's free to get in and um yeah don't i'll i'll talk for a minute uh while you chew because you don't chew into

a microphone no god damn you you got to eat a plum well you it's good because Gump, I said, hey, that fruit was there when I left on my last tour. I go, eat fruit. And if you don't eat the fruit, chop it up and put it in the freezer so I can use it for smoothies. Well, it's still here. Gump is a month old? No, no, no. This is a week old. Not even.

I put it in the fridge the day after you left. It's in great fucking nick. Yeah, it's fine. I put it in the fridge the day after you left. It's in great fucking nick. Yeah, it's fine. So Doug also, like Doug and I actually became aware of one another through a mutual friend, Dave Fulton, because we had the same material. Word for word.

That's why I trip a bit whenever I see you as well. We did? Parallel thinking. We both had a word for word bit about fucking a melon on ecstasy. Oh, at least it's not a rubber fuck my face. What's a rubber fuck my face. What's a rubber fuck my face? It's a Jim Jefferies thing.

Wasn't that the egg? The egg came from... My was rubber fuck my face, egg in my ass. And that first... One of those first... No, he stuck an egg in his ass. That happened. So he says... No, it did happen.

It fucking asked all these flat nights mate people fuck you've met comics in the uk jim jeffries jim jeffries has admitted that he stole a lot of that bit from me he had a similar story and then added all my bits into it but he continued to do it into an hbo special when he crossed over and you know go to youtube people are calling him out and uh yeah i it's i was far done doing that bit by the time he's and if you if you're fine with and but he's actually yeah he said yeah i i i i typed a lot of your bit i he also i think he said ages ago that he had to stop watching anyone edgy because he's worried that it will absorb other people do that absorb things and remember it and think they thought of it

yeah but he did not do that but you and i had no idea each other existed. And I think... So what was the fucking a melon? I never... That was... I know that bit. Yeah. And I probably fucked a melon, but it was not that night. I get really particular now about... I just... Even a tiny lie in my bit, I will stop and go,

I never actually said that. I thought about it after the fact. Even with my putting my dog down yeah but your way around it is you can go so i'm going which means you can say i'm thinking and i'm going rather than going so i said i also don't like fucking being the hero of the story like invariably if you are saying something quippy in it or you're thinking or you wish that you said something, like, I think you always, I have a rule of thumb of if I'm going to pull the rug out from under people,

I should be standing on it myself. Just so that I go over to it. I have a story. Yeah, go on. Where I actually did what, because I was drunk. But what we're going to do is we're going to finish this podcast and we're going to put out a number two podcast because you're carrying this fucking thing.

And then we're going to do this as a part two on Wednesday. Great. Yes, and I'll do a part two as well. My producer's been nagging me to come and see you for ages. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to need some mental state because I may have a fucking mushroom flashback. And I did just before I went on. But we'll go into that. What's up?

I'm thinking about mushroom flashbacks. Because that was always the thing. You're, what are you, 46 now or something? 48. Within two years. Boom. That's carnival rules. Yeah, you don't get a prize.

It's a guess your weight, guess your... Guess your age within two years. That's not impressive. You fucking... What's my age? Oh, your age. Hang on. Let's have a look.

I think it's a road hard run. I wish I could have kept a straight face during that. I'm going to say 43. Oh, wow. That's so close. That's so close. Are you lying? 10 years off.

You look great. So you do not also get a prize. Okay. He gets the prize. You don't get the prize. Thank you. It's a bit hard. Thank you.

I'm really- You've got the wacky punk thing happening in the- Yeah, okay. Smoking mirrors, my friend. Let's break this off. We're going to part two, which we'll get into the argument with Yamanika, me having a mushroom flesh. Oh, no, no, no.

No, we're going to keep doing you. Let's go to Yamanika. I'm going to do just my fucking last two weeks on the road that has nothing to do with you. So we're going to put out two different podcasts. The Swapcast with us will go out on Wednesday, and then I'm going to put out another one because we have another one the next week that we already recorded

that has to go out the next week. I wasn't present for any of that. No, I'm saying there's no reason to do these notes during your podcast. Yes, our podcast. More to talk about this on the podcast. Alright, I think everyone's off

topic right now and I think it's because we all need to piss. Hey, once again, cocktails and doug's best friend chiley herded the kittens yet again best friend one job didn't get a look in on the best friend thing that's disgusting shame on you hey doug i've noticed've noticed this tin shack and bar you've got. What are we going to do if we have, like, a fire? But is there any way for us to remortgage? I wouldn't even know how.

Oh, well then, Doug, we can make a cool one. Buttfuck, fistfuck, pissface incorporated. They do remortgaging, too? Not only do they do scat and pissing on you in a trough like a fucking scumbag. Well, how long will it take? Just ring up Vinny

out the back of a van. He will nudge, wink, and go, sure, you're covered. And then we will be able to piss, scat, and fist fuck each other for the rest of the night because it's so expedient? That's right. Piss, scat, and fist fuck each other for the rest of the night because it's so expedient? That's right. Piss, scat, and fuck stick remortgages.

They'll come around and cover your house in shit. They'll dig inside your own asshole and start writing your name on the wall so you can blame being crazy. I never knew shit, scat, and piss fucking would be so available if we just had more time.

I love you, Burnsy. Hey, now with all this extra time, why don't we get a scout and fuck him in the testicles? Not available in New York, Florida, or Connecticut. Your results may vary. Trough not included. Must be 18. Voidware prohibited. Hi, this is Richard Simmons, and you're listening to the Doug Stample Podcast. Hey, I want to dance with somebody. Do you hear that waterboy bloke died of AIDS?

Hey, come on. Back up. Let me back up. At the Sydney Mardi Gras, there was a bloke. I can't remember. Phil Nicol used to do a bit about it. But there's a guy called the Water Man or something. And at the Mardi Gras, he traveled around the world going to Mardi Gras just lying in a trough with a fucking mask and snorkel on.

And his thing was he was the piss trough guy. And everyone would just come in and piss. That's a thing? Apparently. Well, not anymore. Apparently. Yeah. But he died of AIDS.

People were like, I mean, no kidding. No shit. Really? Because he reeked of hygiene. Someone else. His tip bucket never filled up. What the fuck did they call him? Not water boy.

Fucking snorkeler. Free Diver. Let's go back to what we're closing with because I... What? No, no, no. We're closing on plugs, but Yamanika, a story

I only have a vague memory of. Did you fill him in? No, he's the one that he brought it up. She's a vague memory of. Did you fill him in? No, he's the one that he brought it up. She's a mate of mine. And I did Race Wars recently. Let me tell you... Race Wars is Kurt Metzger and... No, he's not there anymore.

It's Sherrod Smalls. I love Sherrod. Oh, mate. And he loves it being a shitfuck. Let me tell you my snapshot drunken memories of what I remember. This was on the bonfire. Yeah, but it was during, I assume, a book tour of I'm Doing a Million Things. And that was a late one.

Was it the one where you were with Artie and Howard Stern? No. It was not Stern. With Big J.O. Hang on. And Dan Soda. Yeah, but that was. Big fan, big fan. arty and howard stern no it was it was not stern with big jo hang on look dan soda yeah yeah but that was big fan big fan i i had done a million radio shows podcast drinking the whole time because i do not perform in any function sober i don't have social interactions sober. It's not. So now it's not like a show or even a two show night where you can pace your drinking. I'm doing all morning day. And that was.

And it's New York. You don't like New York. Oh, I fucking hate it. Oh, it's such a fucking proof positive. We barely evolved beyond rest. Amazing comedy. The only time I've enjoyed New York is when I book it right after London because London's even worse.

You think London's worse? Oh, yeah. I did that whole bit. At least New York makes sense. 73rd Street, you know what's next? 74th Street. Yeah. The streets don't even make sense.

Because they knew how bad they were going to fuck up. They couldn't see the sky. That place, my fucking inner compass goes out because it's like, no wonder you have to number this shit. And if know anything about this planet that place is a sitting fucking duck it is atlantis in waiting two tsunamis that place is fucking done it ain't ready oh it's the maldives with fucking 300 million people it's like i remember saying it there and the crowd kind of panicked i stopped getting laughs when it was just a well which is normal for me in the states thus far and uh that i was like look on google maps those aren't inlets those are fucking fingers like the north atlantic gives a fuck about you like of the it's very

parochial as well like it's not aware that it's a it's a it's the byproduct of the world it thinks it is the world it thinks it made the world as opposed to the world making it. It's disgusting. I agree. But back to, by this time, I'm on the Bonfire podcast, and she's one of the people. And from what I remember, I said something to the effect of, you think no one regrets fucking you? Let's back up.

Well, no, I'm telling you what I remember. And you, who have recently heard this sober, can... And then she went batshit, in my memory, about, No, no one's ever regretted fucking me. And fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you. And then I go, I'm too drunk to be here I'm not going to engage this fucking person in

trying to do that Joe Rogan versus Carlo Mencia gateway to fame by starting a okay not what happened I have the utmost faith in you I have the utmost faith in you that's what I remember

I wouldn't I promise you you will go before you start i want to set did was doug seated in the bonfire and yamanika came in or was it the opposite yamanika came in so doug was already there talking to big j and dan soda and they even said afterwards as well like the idea that yamanika doesn't have a sense of humor about race is just not true. Okay. Because they proved it immediately. The moment you left, they made a race joke, and it was fun.

I don't remember anything. Dude, here's what happened. Okay, you were hammered. Yeah. I'm listening to you. Doug was the guest, and Yamanika came in because- She was also a guest. She's a guest.

She's a radio. All right. It's a round table kind of thing from what I remember. And you were in your suit and you were being you and who were they invited on the show? I'm well aware that why your guard is up because right now

we are like any moment of racism and by that I mean weakness. Human weakness is fucking jumped upon now. So like it's weird like Liam Neeson. it was a weird time to do it but i i met a black person that was mad at him he put his hand up and he was like fuck it i'll go first uh i'm a i'm a byproduct of a racist society right and then everyone was like fuck that get him shot right you know and i did i just i want to set it up so that doug didn't crash anything

he was sitting in the chair we were both guests yeah he was drunk barely conscious and it was neutral territory and here's my understanding of this as well as sometimes when we get older as edgier comics for lack of a better term sometimes i do the same thing i do i take the same liberty myself and this is what i even said to yamanika when uh i was on race wars with her Race Wars with her. He did that thing that we do sometimes as older, wider, edgier comics. And the fact of the matter is we are elder statesmen now. Just have to accept it. Sometimes we go, I'm the guy that says anything.

So I'm so not racist. I will get away with being ironically racist. And the first thing you said when she walked in was you went, ah, the blacks are here. That's the first words out of your mouth and then so and then there was like three things in a row so forget the argument you were making there was three in a row that it was you are less than me it was not an argument it was what i remember so i'm counting on you so this was this that was the straw that broke the camel's back because then you did that trick that sometimes we do

when we fucking build a world. We build a fucking fan base or whatever. You build everything yourself. Sometimes, you know, I always believe self-awareness doesn't come from within, you know. And you did that thing of laying a trap. But basically the quiz, and this is why she fucking snapped and i'd spoke to her about it because that's exactly why i snapped was you laid a trap

of the quiz being know what i'm thinking or you're an idiot and it wasn't what you said or how it was done it was just that it was the emotion and there was like three in a row where you said are you a trans person just i've been full before and the thing is there was no banter between you at that stage so then when you went well does anyone regret it fucking you and she was like by that stage she was like fucked you and your questions right so she's like i know you went well then you're not self-aware and mate i have the utmost faith in you that if i say it was hilarious that you would accuse someone of not being self-aware in that moment, because that's a bit like me going,

hey, Doug, what color am I thinking of? Gray. Purple, you're a fucking idiot. And that was basically what that interaction was. And she, and the funny thing is when I go to New York, I have an easier time being understood by black folks than I do white folks because it picks a color. New York picks a color.

So often I will wind up talking at cross purposes with other white guys because they presume, yeah, but we pick a color. So there's a shorthand between us when really technically I'm foreign. And you may have noticed I'm an emotional, nervous fucking wreck. And I have a theory that black folks actually can read people very well. Everyone gets a positive intellectual stereotype. And if I would hazard a guess, I would say black folks are very emotive in their language and they don't use sneaky patterns. And which is why I think sometimes people say to one another, do you feel me?

Right. And so it wasn't about that. It was the emotion in the leading up to that point. And then when you to that point and then when you set the trap and then when you're an idiot for not knowing what i'm thinking that's when she went fucking haywire yeah but the first words out of your mouth when she walked in was blacks are here and even i think bingo was like oh that's fucking but we now live in a time where i know this is going to sound weird we demonize racism too much so no one wants to admit to it and everyone wants to finger point but like i i am not judging whatsoever because i am perfectly

capable of doing everything you did i i've always talked about this that there's no racism sexism etc or was none in a green room and all the shit you can't say on stage you can still none in a green room. And all the shit you can't say on stage, you can still say in a green room. When we're backstage and talking shit, everyone's talking. Fuck you, faggot. Just every, like, any kind of, all the awful things you can't say on stage, we say to each other. All the awful things you can't say on stage, we say to each other. So not knowing her as a comedian, I probably thought, oh, everything is on the table. So yeah, let's just talk some weird shit. But then it's on the radio and then there's everything of like-

Well, he's in a room with Big Jay, Dan Soder, and Yamanika, and him. It's basically a green room with microphones. That's true, but it's on the radio, so she gets shit for her reaction. She's held responsible. Way more responsible than anyone else in that room for her reaction. Well, it turned into...

He ended up leaving the room. Yes. It was too much. Yeah, I'll just say the wrong thing. You know what? I think... Do you remember saying that? The black city.

And I was like, dude, what the fuck fuck i told you every memory i have of that it was a head-buttable offense it was a head i heard i heard the entire thing i you're you're you're factored right on you're you're right there and you don't need me to tell you that you know what you saw but it is the doug's charm gets him by a lot that's my point he's able he's able and i was not charming evidently and you you picked a moment for an exit because you knew it wasn't working and you're out because i can't read the room i should go yeah but the motivation wasn't to pick on her it was to make her laugh exactly it's like i've had several jokes in the past with an n-bomb in them about the n-bomb so we all agree that dan soda and big j tricked doug look at you shut the fuck up this is a catch why are you no blacks is in my rider why are you so mad with the bonfire the bond what what are you so Why are you so mad with the bonfire? Why are you so mad at them?

That's the problem. When you left, it was hilarious as well. They were going, I mean, it's weird because there's this fucking legend. And that's the other thing as well. You forget. You're the man. You're the fucking man. See, that would have been good to hear the off mic.

Like when they went to commercial or whatever they do on SiriusXM. It would have been great to hear what those guys were talking about after he left the room. They kept going because Dan goes, there's this legendary comic there. But when all of a sudden they're off. I don't know. Let him finish because I didn't hear this.

Yeah, he goes like, I didn't know what to do with that because there's this legendary comic in here and then he's doing weird shit. And the thing is, they proved everything you said wrong immediately because they made black jokes because they had a rapport. And it was funny. But at the same time, like I said- They made it a green room.

When we are the say whatever's in your fucking head. So you're saying I'm not welcome there because I was the only guy that's not allowed to- I'm Rudolph the fucking red-nosed reindeer. I think it was her and her mate. But there was a dismissive tone to it that was, you are less than me. I don't know who you are as a comic.

And then if you double down with that with the first words out of your mouth, the blacks are here. And then you don't even find out her name. Of course it's going to kick off. And she's funny, by the way. And she's a good egg she's a good egg i like her a lot well i will reach out to her on twitter please do and say brendan burns said i should call you burnsy i said i should yell racial slurs at you

because also then your people fucking pile on her and everything and then like the country a part of your fucking fan base that's, on Twitter. Sorry, on Twitter. People means two things. No, I thought you meant people in the room. No, people on Twitter. The lesser desirable element of your fan base.

I'm glad you told me that because I still just remembered her just defending the fact that no one was ever regretful of fucking her. I didn't know. What number am I thinking of? 13. Seven, your account. No, he got it right.

In my head, he got it right. I bet. I bet. You're so worried about your cash cow being nascent, aren't you? He's my cash cow. I really don't think that way because i when i heard it i'm like you know what the problem here is there's a there's a disconnect because doug is sitting there obviously drunk looking like a huckster with his carnival and i i totally get

what you're saying and you and like i said you were totally right. And on top of that, though, as well, we are living in a time where you can't go. That was racist. Sorry. Yeah. You can't own it because you fucking get leathered. Yeah. But please continue your thought. Well, it's like you can't have everyone understand the background of the person that's speaking.

Yes. You know? And I don't, when he came in hot like that she shut down that was it and that's that's fine because that's she's like oh i don't dig this and then whatever but he there's no malice yeah he's not saying but she definitely doesn't know who you are exactly doesn't exactly it's a it's definitely a predominantly white fan base this is what drives me fucking nuts i remember jeannie ashrae years ago. I was backstage. It was a comic.

It was a white British comic. And she has a bit about being black famous, right? And he goes, I don't know that she does this bit. I said, what do you mean? She talks about being famous. And I went, walk down the streets of Birmingham with her. Like, she gets mobbed. And he's like, and this is supposedly a PC middle-class white English dude.

And he's like, yeah, but that's just the black community. And I was like, do you think black people know who the fuck Harry Hill is? Like, you know, half the people that you rate, you think the black community know who the fuck they are? Like, there's, you know, people have their fan bases. And sometimes, yeah, it was. But also, any time when I went on the show and talked about it, I even said I have the utmost faith.

Which show? In Doug. On Race Wars, I even said I have the utmost faith in Doug. Which show? On Race Wars, I think. Race Wars. I said I have the utmost faith in Doug that when I point out to him that that's what happened, he'll go, oh, that's fucked. Oh, so this is a pain in the ass? I'm going to trust you. I'm not going to go back and listen to it. Oh, really?

Fuck no. I'll just reach out and say, Brendan Burns said I was wrong, so sorry. Oh, bless you. That makes me very happy. I'll do it right now. That does make me so fucking happy. You already did.

She's a good egg. I'll get on Twitter right now. I mean, it could fucking not go well. I don't care. I know. It might be like, fuck you, you fucking. She's a firebrand a she's a five round of a lady blasted it was funny that that episode even she and i were like it was a thing where i

thought they were gonna have to go to break just because she was inconsolable yes you know what i mean she went to walk out four times in the show i was in but it was like the fake walk it was the fake comedy walkout but sometimes as as well, I've noticed like... Oh, I don't do fake. No, that wasn't a fake. He did. No, no, no. No, he knew it was time to go.

I'm saying, I walked. Your exit was perfect because there was no... And I still had to do Artie Lang that night, I think. And that's another one. I can't talk about this. I have a project, but I am going to have to revisit all of this. You walked into Stern with a bottle of whiskey. That was not that same tour.

This was two days. I'm going to have to go. Is drinking still fun for you? No, it's necessary. Right. It's a necessity. So you don't have the shakes and shit. Fair enough.

You know what? The one time I remember drinking was really fun was when we did 30 Days in the Hole and we discovered new cocktails. Yeah. And then we had a library of cocktails. The whiskey sour with egg whites that Tracy is making. that's i think the only and that's how i know i can't is whiskey is the thing that if i look at like a tray of really old whiskey i'm like oh which means wait you're going straight to whiskey knee like you ain't fucking around you know what i mean if it was ah i could handle a beer that's the sneaky cunt that might get me but if it's like i look at a bottle and go oh fucking neck that cunt then we get oblivious that's easy to keep at bay as they say what but if it's like i look at a bottle and go oh fucking neck that cunt then we

get oblivious that's easy to keep at bay as they say what is it it's never the pink elephants that get you it's the white rabbits because it's they're small they're normal they're every day you don't notice them even the uk has better aa slogan yeah i don't think it's an aa slogan no maybe it is i don't know they don't have AA over there. They just have bottoming out. People don't even do anonymous here. That's all. Let's do your plugs. I did a meeting and they asked what I did for a living to check it out.

Oh, that's the same as an airplane. I didn't go to meetings for years, actually. I was miserable. And then Johnny just started going back. Anytime you say you're a comedian in any social situation well then you have to answer a lot of questions whether it's aa or a middle seat oh don't don't say it but also like i'm going there specifically to not be a comedian you know what i mean

i'm being honest like it took a month of fucking being locked up in rehab to stop performing like apparently my mate tat i think you've met uh i don't remember this but i was so fucking broken and i'd done like three tabs of ecstasy and knocked a bottle of red back before i even went in because i was worried i wouldn't be fucked up enough and they wouldn't take me and you're supposed to tell your life story first day in and apparently i just stood up and did 20 minutes of my act. And he laughs? No. Because the people are just going, this is tragic.

Who the fuck's this guy? That's why you burn the light? There's a chapter in my first book where I talk about I, as a kid, had to go to AA meetings with my mother. And they would have like headliner speakers. Oh, Indian John is going to speak tonight and he's great and he's funny and he's

like... And it's a shit ton of euphoric recall. It's basically like ah, and then I fucking fucked six birds and then next thing I know, but anyway it was dreadful. Shut the fuck up! Yeah, and at the end, but I'm glad I'm in a place now where I don't have to do that anymore. Sorry for making you laugh

and fucking congratulate alcoholism. Oh, SoundCloud isn't where you go for my podcast. Hold on. We're not there yet. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. All right, let's do your plugs. I'm going to do another podcast after this.

I want to do the mushroom flashback before we go. Yeah. Do it. Oh, so plugs now. Oh, no. Oh, no. We'll plug at the end. Go ahead and start plugging flashback before we go. Yeah. Do it. Oh, it's unplugged now. Oh, no. We'll plug at the end. Go ahead and start plugging now. Before we start, before we get into that, we'll go right into it.

Where do you prefer them to go to get Dumb White Guy? Acast, YouTube.com slash Brendan Burns Comedy, or Patreon.com, and they can get it early. And sometimes it's entire sets up there. I put a lot of sets of me bombing. I put on a lot of sets of me bombing. I only pretty much put up sets of me bombing. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N.

B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-T-R-E-N-D-O-N. Yeah, it's B-R-E-N-D-O-N. B-U-R-N-S.

I went to school. I've got to make sure I spell it right. No one spells it right automatically. That's a weird spell. Oh, no, you know Brendan Walsh. Yeah. When I first met him, he goes, you're the one.

And what do you mean? He goes, you're keeping me off Google, you cunt. And now, Brendan Urie has fucked us both. No one knows who I am in the States. And that Brendan Urie cunt came out and fucking panicked in the disco, bloke. Came out as pansexual. Bummed me off fucking US Google forever. You type in Brendan Burns.

Or Brendan. I used to be the number two or number one Brendan on the planet. You didn't even need to type in my surname. Now, fucking panic at the disco, cunt. Bumped me. To the extent where this is how little. No idea. This is how little what my dad and brother knew I did for a living.

That's why I keep calling you Burnsy. Because that's how we always knew you. Burnsy. Burnsy. Which I think actually I addressed in my book. And you're in my book as well. Fear of Hell. Just send me your fucking book. I just realized I've got the last first print copy in my book as well Fear of Hell send me your fucking book

I just realized I've got the last first print copy in my car I'm going to give it to you yay it's covered in shit but it's the last

one of the first edition fantastic I think I've even got Soul Supposed alright so go with the mushroom flashback let's go

are we not doing plugs we'll do those at the end that's kind of well i we could do them now do them now do plugs now so that yeah in case people get bored with this yeah and also uh doug where you gonna be where can people catch you nowhere oh i get a i get a summer project have you so fancy can you discuss it no you can't no no i want to but well that's the price that's that's the sign of a bloke with something actually going on.

Just like, can you discuss it? But we will get on the mailing list at DougStanup.com because in September, we've just mapped out a tour that should be going through the Upper Midwest. I think we're going to start in Wisconsin, Michigan, upstate New York, down through southeast, Richmond, Charlotte, and then... When is that?

September, October. We're going back hard. Chaley and I are putting the band back together, man. I might be back in the U.S. by then, so I might even fucking tag along for it. Drop in. Yeah, that'd be great. Please do.

We do have to mention that during the Vegas taping, it's totally sold out, sold out. We're down at the Plaza. Yeah. When's that? Next weekend. Next week. It's the 24th and 25th. I will be selling shot glasses.

I'll have them on my person. It's very discreet. It will be cash only, and it's $5 a shot glass. If you're not making any change, if you hand me $20, you're getting four shot glasses, or I get a big tip. Oh. How much for sucking dicks and kissing babies? Well, that's your job.

It won't be until you meet us. Oh, Rosa. Sucking babies' dicks. I'm here to suck dicks and kiss babies, and I'm all out of babies. How depressing is it that we can't sell our actual content anymore, and people want T-shirts and bumper stickers of us?

It's great. It's okay. It's great. I held off for years, and I've finally given in. You can get my stuff at BrennanBurns.net. That's B-R-E-N-D-O-N-D-O-N-D-O-N-D in. You can get my stuff at BrennanBurns.net. That's B-R-E-N-D-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N-D-O-N-E-N Joe Rogan is JoeRogan.net because there's a Joe Rogan real estate agent. And I go, why don't you just fucking sick your fans on him and make him give up?

But that guy would, of course, go, do you have any idea how much traffic I get? Like, that's why he wouldn't give up. Yeah, yeah. I know, but... This was back in the day. But let's face it. Yeah, back in the day, he could... Like what we do with Killer Termites. A fan of...

Send our fans... A fan of Mitch Hedberg's... Make them capitulate. A fan of Mitch Hedberg's owned MitchHedberg.com. And he... Mitch didn't know anything. Didn't know what was going on. No, it was just like very early internet.

And then it was Smacky the Frog was his big thing at the time. And then they let it lapse. And then when I got connected with headberg the it was dot net and he goes how come i can't get dot com i go well because you let it you didn't answer an email i don't fucking know but they wanted five to ten thousand dollars to arbitrate to do it i go if i put in google actually it was ask Jeeves at the time, Mitch Hedberg, the second, third thing that comes up is MitchHedberg.net. So why do we spend the money to get, it doesn't fucking matter. It did back then.

Well, it may have back then. It doesn't matter now. This is proof positive for me that I always defend him when people slag off Michael McIntyre because he used to open for me and he would crack me up in the car. This is a bit that he never did. but he goes, because it's filthy, right? And he goes, I asked that arse Jeeves.com. I had a look at him. He's nice and prim, brother. And I wanted to ask

him, are you gay? Right? And that was the premise all in hand. And I wanted him to do the tag of going, let me tell you, the dancers Jeeves came up with, Jeeves is really gay. How many times... I've got gay friends that came around and

they're the cleanest people on earth. They want to put a coaster and I'm like, never mind that. You're putting your face in an asshole. You do the filthiest thing on earth. Never mind the poof. You've got shit in your mustache and I'm like, and i'm begging him to do it and he's like i can never do that how many times have you had a clean comic oh that again

green room rules where everything you're the cleanest fucking brian regan guy will tell you a fucking off-color joke hey you could probably use this in your act how many times have you which also what their version of you is of like not realizing the thought that goes into it and it's like i've got a thing about fucking this celery looks like a cock when i was hosting the 11 o'clock show there was a another comic wrote a joke for me it was after michael fucking hutchins from index s died And he goes, you'll love this joke. Celery looks like a cock. And I was like, what do you think I do? What happens when I speak?

What do you hear? Do you just think I'm up there just going, Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Crap political statement. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Fucking, I'll fuck my ass with my own shit. Although, admittedly, that's me doing an impression of me.

Yes, my plugs, you can get at brendanburns.net and follow us on Twitter. But also, now that I'm in America, I think a lot of my albums are now available at SiriusXM on Raw Dog. You can request them there. You can get my entire back catalogue at brendanburns.net. I will double down on that.

You know what? When you request our shit on XM Serious Raw Dog Radio, yeah, we get residual. So please do. And if they're playing, I don't... There's a request line? I think people request it and they're more like, I'm living off an album from 2003 right now

that seems to have got some traction doing quite well. That's why you're begging bananas from us. Fuck yeah. But no, it's a nice flat fuck. We don't get the royalties back home. And like a fuckwit, I signed away, so I suppose, and I can't get it back. Yeah, please do.

And please ask for a new shit from me because last i heard they're playing like 1999 album shit of mine that's because they have to pay more for the later later ones and the later ones uh those bits are 22 minutes doing your people oh yeah but you can shave it into our people you can Thread. You better apologize to Yamanika for that. And, or Pandora and Spotify. It's all available there now. And I'm getting my finger out of my ass. Everything will be out there pretty soon.

If not, you can also purchase from me, direct at brendanburns.net. 14 albums, 7 specials, just £16.40, which I think is about 20 fucking bucks. It's 200 bucks worth of stuff. Don't be a cunt. And Selfie's in the Grand Canyon, the very special where I did secret location tours

with John Hastings and Spray Pony Fuck Off on a Dead Wombat, are available in the US, across Europe, and Japan! For the first time on Amazon Prime Video, or you can buy them direct from me. All right. And my book on Amazon.

Which I have the last copy of, which I will read and then put in my next eBay yard sale. Yeah. Fear of Hat Loss in Las Vegas, the story of when Paul Provenza, Barry Castellano, and myself went to Vegas in pursuit of a photograph, and Doug featured very heavily on that trip.

I can't wait to read the chapters that are about me and then put that on eBay or something. You might, though. I reckon you'll read it. My book. Mum? No, the second one, This Is Not Fame. Yeah, I did a lot of name dropping in that.

And even those people didn't care to read the parts about themselves. They just read the bits about themselves and didn't finish the book. No, they didn't even do the reading the parts. Fuck's sake. See what I mean? It's fucking no altruism. It's rough. People don't watch each other's hours here.

I have my Netflix is loaded, but I'm taping the special in Vegas. And if someone did a bit that's close to mine, I would go, oh, fuck. I would just free fall into, oh, they said the same word, and now I can't do it, and I don't want to David Tell this

bit. What's David Tell this bit? David Tell. Panics. Oh, he rings people up asking if they do something similar yeah so if he heard one word i don't want to do that it's a lot it's a different bit comedy fans now want to pretend they understand comedy better than they do so they dog people in and they're going you did a thing that you you talk about supermarkets porn that's the one i get oh he did a bit about porn or midgets or something like yeah

it's a whole different shut the fuck up that was a kind of a an ancillary problem with the joe rogan carlos mencia beef where the the general social media public thought they're comedy police oh arty lang did a thing about midgets they go yeah it's a that's not a hard premise like shut the fuck up but we did create the golem ourselves what was it used to be that the secret of comedy was the fact that it was a secret and now we all go on fucking podcasts tearing apart our fucking process so much opening up the sausage and then we bitch when people feel like they know what they're fucking talking about. True enough. But that's us in a nutshell. Want to be

taken seriously? You don't want to be taken seriously. Hey, we're an enigma. Fucking look out. Fucking, so mushroom flashback. Oh, we have one more. Go. Yeah. I was going to close this up. No, no, no. I'm getting confused. I've got to tell you about last night.

So, yeah, weirdly enough, like, sorry if I've kept my distance, but I needed to get some sanity, was for some reason when I get around you, and I don't know if it's the parallel thinking, the overlap of stuff or whatever, like there's very similar speech patterns in what we do. We have a stammer that's very similar, and there's some stuff that we've had that's just almost word for word, and we weren't even aware of one another right and uh then i come into bisbee last night and i haven't had a mushroom dmt flashback in fucking ages like i said the last one i had was at my wedding and that was a positive pleasant

experience but maybe because i was tired and I was rushing to get here, this was not the positive one. This was the DMT one, which is, remember how I said in the last podcast that sometimes I would invent things, and for some reason, it would go into memory. And when I did, I lose the general… This is the same podcast, by the way. Oh, I thought we were going to do part two.

No, I'm going to do part two myself. Oh, you're going to do a two-hour podcast, right? No, this is... This is going to be two hours, right? This one's... And that, like, the thing... Okay, I'm going to do a bit of shtick now. There's a special idea where I tried to explain it,

like what hell in the human brain can be like. And it's that there's a blinding white light and everything's blurry and then you see and you look into the eyes of your dad, only he's a much younger man, which you find particularly perplexing because you remember being on your deathbed only seconds earlier. And then you try and voice this and all you hear is a child's wail and then you try and voice it again and the wail gets louder.

And then you look around voice it again, and the well gets louder. And then you look around, and it becomes very familiar settings, and you cry and you cry and you cry because you realize you're about to commit every single fucking mistake you ever made. You're going to do it all over again, and you can't stop any of this for eternity because you know in foresight that you will care that much. And then the doctor spanks your ass and the memory banks are wiped i was like and hell is every time you take hallucinogenic drugs you vaguely remember being that baby right and i remember you talking about dmt the negative version of it of reality stripping away isn't always good. I will I explained it

as imagine if you smoke some shit with Joe Rogan and then immediately you realize you're a rat. Living a rat's life that

eats garbage and you're nothing but a rat and then eight minutes later you come out of this and you can't forget that you're just a rat but you still have to live out the rest of your life

knowing that you are just living garbage on this world New York must terrify you. They're like going, oh, more proof. Right? And so LA has been driving me a bit nuts. I moved to a farm myself as well.

Kind of isolated, which I think was also a mistake. Comics still need to be around other comics. That's what I miss the most, living here. The only thing I miss. But then people come out and stay with you, don't they? Yeah, comics I know, but I don't know anything that's going on. But that's the same conversation over and over. The funny thing, like sometimes I would go to New York and there'd be the same three blokes out the front of the cellar having the same conversation they were when I was there three years ago. And I'd go, oh, fuck, they haven't reset the program yet.

And then things start to get more variable when I'm there longer, but I shit you not, like, verbatim. Like, it's the Steve Fabricant guy, the bloke that stands out at the front of the door. Don't know shit. Someone asks him who his favorite comic is, and he says, Attell, and he says it the same way every time. I do that.

But, I mean, I arrive at at the cellar someone's asking him who his favorite comic is and he goes atel and it's like it's it's almost like fucking clockwork when i arrive and i'm like oh reality slipping and so when i drive through the fucking mountain on my way to your mate's gig last night and i'm heading to the Stanhope compound and almost like a bit of a touchstone. You're a bit of a touchstone when it comes to this blurred reality to me. Like sometimes when I feel weird staring straight in your face. But I feel like you do as well at first. Do you?

Well, I have to drink. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. I said that, oh, Burns is coming. I'm going I have to drink. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. I said that, oh, Burns is coming. I'm going to have to drink. Get me tacos. I have to eat before I drink.

Well, apparently, I make a lot of sense if you take mushrooms. Like, I would happily drive people around on mushrooms. I am way more coherent if you've done hallucinogens. Like, oh, right.

Okay. And so then I'm about to do a gig. It ain't podcast worthy. No, no. Exactly. Yeah, we right, okay. And so then I'm about to do a gig. It ain't podcast worthy. No, no, exactly. Yeah, we could do mushrooms. And, well, if Ari Shafira wants to do that shroom fest, like people do like a gig, like an actual gig. I was like, I'll drive the bus.

No worries. But this time the blurred reality started to strip away as I came through the tunnel. And then I look at Bisbee. And to try and describe Bisbee to you, it like the beginning well look at doug's place it looks like the beginning of mushrooms and bisbee looks like something trapped in fucking time everything's super clean and pristine it looks like the opening the town main drag looks like the opening gates of disneyland the whatever fucking Foreverland or something.

When you first walk in. Main Street. Main Street in Disneyland looks exactly like Bisbee. And you're like, oh, this is trippy. It looks like a train set. Yeah. And then there's a bloke who's dressed like a fucking demon magician and some other cunt was juggling fire at me.

And I'm like, oh, fuck fuck and then reality started to slip away and i'm in the middle of a process right now that is me undoing some other damaging behaviors and i hadn't gone and meditated yet and i need to see rolling fields and rocks and shit like really old rock formations just to kind of reset same wise so all of that's gone and charlie charlie's gone mate you're on in 20 and i'm like oh i'm gonna have to shower uh i uh and i'm just trying to return to fucking earth to be fair i was pretty calm because you were pretty frantic and i didn't want to i didn't want it to be you you were showering at showtime. Yes, because I just thought I can't be rushed. No, and I thought I was very cognizant of that.

I tried to say... You were amazing. That's what we're going to... He's worth his weight in gold, mate. He should fucking... Who are your top five best friends? Catherine Bertine is my number one best friend forever. She's a top three, actually.

What has she done? Listen, sometimes you say a joke and you commit to it for the rest of your life. Yeah, that's true. And she's proved her mettle. After I got stung by a stonefish in February, my agent goes, only you, only you can fucking send this email saying you can't get this sent yet because you got stung by the world's most lethal fish. What do you mean only you? My wife's you're kidding me right i was like no what she's like jesus christ the day you embrace how fucking ridiculous you are you're going to be a

millionaire right but she's like you're like you're a cartoon of a fucking like what and i was like well i hope if i'm fucking event when i eventually fucking die, I hope you all appreciate in hindsight how much I spent my entire life in fucking character because this shit's exhausting. It's exhausting. But to get into you. It's exhausting me. You're close to my age. When you come up with the best best friend who's your best friend because we've spent our

lives calling someone our best friend and they invariably you fall out with them because it's too much pressure on it but they were but then there's some of them that will get upset if you say you have a new best friend so that's why a lady I met for 15 minutes at an airport bar that doesn't drink and she's everything I'm not. I go, okay, do you want to be best friend? She goes, okay. And we're doing that. She is my best friend.

I'm telling her shit I would never tell anyone else. And yeah, who's my best friend? Probably Greg Chaley or actually even, even more so, Tracy. Because I'll tell Tracy shit. I won't tell Greg Chaley because Greg Chaley doesn't want to fucking know. And he has to share a hotel room with you from time to time. He probably figured that out. Time to time.

No, because sometimes we share towels. I have a... Whoa! That's intimacy. I have a bit in the news special about that. So I'm not going to go into it, but about how I spend the least money on hotels when it comes to the road because I'm just going to pass out there for six hours. And who gives a fuck if it's shitty? I love that.

That's what I'm going to report. Doug and I never talk unless there's a microphone on our face. But the fact how cheap we live on the road is a means to the end. Our focus – I don't know. I talked to Bingo about this. I talked to Tracy about this. Our focus on the road is to get off the fucking road. We go and do our shows.

There's no fucking frills. There's no fucking frills. There's no fucking catering. We bring our own bars. We find thrift stores and sushi bars. To kill time before we have to go and do a show that we want to put on the best fucking show we want. The best show we can possibly put on

is the one you're going to see tonight. But then when we're done, we fucking come back here. I was going to say, how much would you stay here if you could? That's all I do. Go on the road. How much would you not go on the road if you could? I just took nine months off, and I'm only going back.

This special was ready last July, and I was so burned out from international travel that I'm like, fuck comedy. I don't care. No, I'm a great flyer. Actually, I'll tell you this. Do you fly business? It depends.

Only when he's slumming. Oh, hang on. That's right. You went to Singapore, didn't you? And that bloke put you on Air Asia's business class. That's amazing. This is bits. Once I get done

the old bits that I'm going to put on this special, then I'll come back to the whole fucking Singapore, fucking Southeast Asia. Let me add this though. Don't miss a trip

to what I said as we don't like being on the road. Hotels specific. We love being on the road. Ever the diplomat. We love our fan base. No.

We love being on the road. I never say that. I love our fan base. No. We love being on the road. I never say that. I love driving. I never say that. I abuse them at all costs. Tracy and I drive the van. In gold. Worth is white in gold.

You're fucked without it. You're fucked without it. I'm not placating anyone. He's got one job. I fucking love being on the road. I love doing it. But I also know that it's taxing. And when we're gone, we want to be back here.

It's not discounting what we're doing or where we're going. I fucking love it. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I was in a band for nine years before this. Yeah. I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Oh, in Asia. Yeah.

Like where we had to lie about even the shire. Not shire. Shire. Not Shire. Well, actually, my address does sound like it. Well, there's not many Shires in Asia. The borough. Because we got death threats after a scouser routine went viral. Well, we'll cut all this. Let's just say.

I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, a working farm. And, yeah, I got too fucking lazy as well. I only played to my people, was only doing DIY, but also UK is a smaller marketplace, so you can only survive for five years. Yeah, it's a... I have it made. I have exactly the amount of fan base

and ticket buyers that will fit our lifestyle. Yeah. Manageable fame. Oh, touring with Mick Foley. I was like, I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be fucking Mick Foley famous. Because also, wrestler famous is different. Oh, yeah.

Because it's- I bet there's a lot of crossover. Oh, mate. I think there's a ton. Oh, huge. They're the same people. They are exactly mentally the same people as us. I do a double of crossover. Oh, mate. I think there's a ton. Oh, huge. They're the same people. They are exactly mentally the same people as us. I do a double act with Colt Cabana.

Oh, I should throw a plug out. Colt Cabana and John Hastings. John Hastings has taken my place at Edinburgh Festival this year doing comedy and commentary to bad wrestling matches. Fun show. Don't need to be a wrestling fan to enjoy it. Go and see it. I'm plugging them.

But they're the same mental state. It's the same lifestyle it's also the actual structure of the match is very similar to what we do they we have bits same shit every night they have spots they they do vary with different people when they're working with different people they have we have closes they have finishing moves how how uh obviously you've watched The Wrestler. How close is that to accurate? Because that's one of my favorite movies.

I've asked a few of the guys, and they're a bit depressed how accurate it is. There's a scene that is completely lifted from Beyond the Mat, where they interview Jake. Oh, whoa! Hang on, high five! You are maybe the only person I know that's also seen beyond the mat. Oh, I love that. What's the scene that was stolen?

Because I have no retention, but that was 15 years ago, maybe, that I saw that documentary. It's Jake the Snake talking to his daughter. Oh. Yeah. And it's lifted. Wait, no, he didn't talk to his daughter. He was supposed to talk to his daughter, and they got footage.

Did he? No, he ended up in front of her, and she tells him off. All right. And then he goes, I'm so sick of hurting, and he starts crying. He was smoking crack when he was supposed to. Yeah, he was sick of crocodile tears. Like, this is just another fucking. But he's sober now.

Bless him. DDP yoga, baby. That guy's helped a lot of people but uh same self-destructive like uh and really sensitive like it's i've never met a wrestler that wasn't hard to hurt their feelings and uh but protect themselves with a character or an on-stage persona but wrestler fame is different to regular fame in that it's the difference between meeting Christian Bale and the real fucking Batman. Right?

So grown men, when their action figures come to life, like other famous people lose their shit around them. And it's, I remember like, and Foley's such a polite, lovely bloke that sometimes he just treats it like it's I remember like and Foley's such a polite lovely bloke that sometimes he just treats it like it's a nervous tick like he thinks it's him

that's doing it like he's out with his family he's like thanks very much sorry thanks very much sorry and they're like and because he's the

everyman character as well people cross the street and holy fucking shit Mick Foley and also they threw him off a fucking cell the guy's really sore

grown men want a hug from him. And it's also... I thought that's the guy that died. No, no. No. Well, there's a lot that died. No, and beyond the mat, there was the one that died jumping off a fucking two-story thing. No, that's Mick Foley.

He's not dead. Oh, he's not dead? Who's the guy that died? That was a cage batch. A lot of people died. No, he fell on a? That was a cage batch. A lot of people died. No, he fell on a – it was a big – Mick Foley is a guy who he's doing stand-up now, like you said. He's in Beyond the Mat.

Yes. Oh, yeah. And he wasn't supposed to be famous. Beyond the Mat was going to be a struggling Indies guy, and he got brought up to the big dance. And that's actually why he kind of changed his whole shtick a bit. But also – You went into Mankind, right?

Yeah. But also, he was Mankind, but then it was like, ah, because they showed a video of his kids watching him get big to shit, and then he was like, I'm going to fucking change. And he's a good dude, and one of his pet peeves is wrestlers that go on the road and do stand-up without putting the work in. There's a bunch of Twitter backlash about Brendan Schaub, MMA fighter, who now has a Netflix special doing stand up because there's a lot of those guys. And I've seen tweets. So you didn't put the time in.

Well, if people are watching you, it's like... He didn't take your spot. Exactly. Back when Carrot Top, if you're that old, Carrot Top got lots of shit. Like, really? Is someone flipping a coin between seeing me and Carrot Top? Probably not. Once again, you're entering to your audience

because you know your audience. Don't bring a friend because you want to discover comedy for the first time. No. Get a ramp. Doug knows who should be coming in. You want a ramp. You only get a couple of comics under your belt. But in Nashville, we had to follow a YouTube sensation.

He's the one that actually... He actually talked shit at the Montreal Comedy Festival, I think. He talked shit. I feel for him because he was bombing and he didn't know what to do. But the point is, when we were in the 90s...

How does he have chops? He came backstage at the show. Kato Katelyn did comedy. There's a million 15 minutes of fame people that went into comedy because they thought that was easy. The next thing. They're not stealing our

tickets. No. And Mick gives me credit for being his mentor and that's very kind, but that's overstating the case because to be honest, when I was working with him and just discussing, because basically it's just, they just do the opposite of what they do. In wrestling, it's you hide the negatives, accentuate the positives. It's like in stand-up, just flip it.

It's you accentuate the negatives and hide the positives. No one wants to hear you brag, right? You should write a how-to-do-comedy book for people who – Gun wrestling. Don't know how to do comedy, but you're famous for something else. But they're very well. The weird thing is with wrestlers, it's a very we're very, very close bedfellows. And it's easy.

They're easy to explain it to. Because once you say that, then they're like, oh, right. Just do the opposite of everything I always did. And but to be honest, like I said, him calling me his mentor is too complimentary. That's overstating it. When I spoke to him when he first came in and we would talk about and work on his hour and stuff, I would talk to him the same way I would speak to someone who'd been doing it for 10 years

because that's just where he was in terms of understanding structure and building to crescendo and pull back and reveal. And he's a best-selling author, So he already knew all of that shit. And his last special was fucking great. And it's more he's a raconteur. He doesn't call himself a stand-up. And so people say he's doing stand-up. It's not really.

It's Mick. I'm a humorist. Those cunts. After dinner speakers. We got them fucking in the UK and they dare to be snooty. I'm fucking this one bloke who's a lawyer turned comic. And he's like, just because he went to the right school, because BBC is all fucking Oxbridge and Cambridge cunts,

and you'll have a bloke that doesn't fit to shine your fucking shoes. There's a bloke, I can't remember what his name is. His opener is, I know what you're thinking, that blank famous person just let himself go and it's like, and the people are like,'ll totally with you and it's like if i open with that and this motherfucker i remember he was explaining one of my bits to me and i was like we ain't fucking peers mate you're an after dinner speaker don't explain my fucking if i open with the shit that you do i'd be destroyed i have to fuck my stuff has to be

so much smarter than yours to even be allowed. I know what you're thinking. That famous bloke that looks a bit like me has fucking fucked some AIDS, hasn't he? What? Hey, you know what I'm thinking. What number am I thinking of? Ah, nine. Fuck you.

You got it right. God damn it. Told you I'm adjoined to the hip, baby. Yeah, Mashika. He's right. Is it it. I told you I'm going to join in the hit, baby. Yamashika. You need to pay the price from the top. He's right. Is it true? Was I? No. No.

Oh, way to blow up the bit, Brandon. Fuck it. It was a callback right there. I was a callback to Yamashika. And when's your favorite taping next week? Is it Yamanisha? Yamanisha. All right.

All right. Now. It's probably best not to whatever her name right now. Yeah, she already tuned out after I apologized to her on this podcast. If she was listening, which she would. Ego's a motherfucker. Wait, is this live? Yeah.

No. I mean, what? Are you serious? Is it live? No. Fuck no. Oh, thank fuck. But it's over.

It's over. I have to do my own podcast. I had my notes. I thought we could work this in. But you destroyed this podcast. So, yeah. In a good way. I got a fucking strong story for the part two.

Okay. I'll shut the fuck up. Thank you so much for doing this, Doug. My people have been nagging me for years to fucking come out and see you and i'm gonna i dealt with the fucking uh flashback and went up the mountain and fucking you know you sent me the weirdest email i have to go throw rocks at something i have to throw shit out of my head at some rocks like an ape. Yeah, I didn't know what that meant. I got a trash can in my head. And...

So you walked through the desert here. Go walk about, yeah. Like someone in town last night told you a trail to take, right? Why didn't Gump tell him to fucking take Henry Phillips down the fucking dog trail?

Take the dog with you. We have stone mountains we make, the little things at the end. Gump's probably never been there. So, Ben, I have to ask you one thing. How was your show at Chuckleheads? I have zero faith in my perspective on that gig. Oh. Well, great people, though. But it was also very much like an Outback Comedy Pub. your show at chuckleheads i have zero faith in my perspective on that gig well because what great

people though but it was also very much like an outback comedy pub it was very similar to that story that i told you that's in the book about my favorite death story ever about the outback guys you haven't given me the book yet i know but uh well i don't want to give anything away but i told that story last night to that audience as i said these bisbee arizonians are the most aussie they're most like aussies i've ever encountered in that they helped me communicate it was a really useful gig and becca wants me back as soon as july i'm gonna you're rebooking you're rebooking i'm gonna come back before i leave uh and do a show because i didn't do a show last night i just rambled but people seem to like it uh because they were just good eggs bisbee eyes are easily swindled is that what you're saying uh no i think there's a certain

i'll say it there's a certain level of decency i think if i turn right there that's uh you know if you want to when you come back i taped papa vodka on that stage, and all these chairs come out, and we put 25 people in here, and this is a fucking great... We've never had a bad show here. You did the No Place Like a Home. That special was taped here. No, no, no.

Same weekend. No, no, that's in Old Bisbee, but we taped one here. Friday night here, we did it. Saturday night, we did the White House. Just taped to see if it would work, and we put. Friday night here, we did it. Saturday night, we did the Whitehall. Just taped to see if it would work. And we put 25 people in here. And 25 people in here.

It's a party. It was 37. It was 37 and a three-camera shoot. That's the thing I discovered on the road is like 50 people in a 400-seater is fucking horrifying. 50 people in a 40-seater is a fucking party. Yep. And that's what we got. Fuck yeah. And you're taping

We do it like just alright it's 9.30. Some comics are driving through town going from Austin to LA. We're on the way. They stop in and then we go alright you're doing a show right now. And Chaley hits the mic

and we move those chairs that way. And you put 10 behind the bar, 10 on the floor, 10 in the front row. I got to come back for sure and bring foreigners with me. Oh, by the way, no spitting. No spitting. We are from Aussie. That's the Chinese. No spitting.

No spitting? What's he make? Chinese spit. He's saying Australia. By the way, this was most of my set last night. This is what this was like. I said, jumper, pull the thread on a jumper. And then the Aussie lady, Neela, goes, sweater.

And I just, like, snapped. And I was like, just fucking meet me halfway, cunt. Look at the context. You know what? You'd heard the term pull the thread on a sweater. Hennigan would force me to, like, not do the, like, oh, they won't understand this. No, that's half the allure.

Yeah. When I'm in Edinburgh, I talk like I talk. Don't try to talk like they talk. When you're here, they want to figure it out, like a simpleton's jeopardy. American films, so they know Americanisms and American words for things. That's very interesting.

But here, they won't play. My jumper smells like a pack of fags. Yeah. That was the... Huh? Are you fucking... You're going to bum a fag? Huh?

And it doesn't mean fuck a gay bloke in his ass properly. It doesn't mean sort of Spartan out and fuck creed over. It means a cigarette. And then when you go to India, don't point out how many cows there are. Because they're like, here we know.

Fuck me, there's a lot of cows in the street. We fucking know, it's India, shut up. I will never It's India. Shut up. Everywhere has their own way. I will never go to India. Everywhere has their own way. Especially after this special comes out that I film next week in Vegas. Next week.

I might even come up to Vegas next week and see it. Let's get the fuck out of here. Doug Stanhope, thanks very much. Thank you, Brendan Burns. Burnsy. It's been a long time. Get everything you want on brendanburns.net

And get everything you want on dougstanhut.com God bless you. Click. Boom. Let me get the fuck out of your hand. Thank you. Brandon Burns everyone this is the first dirty joke I think my dad ever told me so it's one of my Brandon Burns everyone! Wooo! Wooo! This is the first Dirty Choke I think my dad ever told me.

So it's one of my favourites because it was the first time my dad was filthy in front of me. I think it was about 10 or 11. And it was, uh... Thor! That's right. Thor comes down to Earth and he sees a young maiden

and he goes, I am Thor, god of thunder. And then he fucks the shit out of her, right? Pounds her fucking all night. Fucks off back to Asgard, right? She's like an old Dutch maiden or whatever with the milkshake and everything on her side. She gives it a week. Thor comes back down with a bottle of light and goes,

I'm Thor, God of Thunder. Bucks the shit out of her again, this time in the piss hole. All right? And then he goes back up to Asgard and then gives it another week and he comes back down and goes, I'm Thor, God of Thunder. And she goes, you're Thor. I'm Thor, Thor, I can't piss. Woo! Yay! Your Thor and the Thor I can't piss