The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #314: What You Always Wanted To Yell On A Flight / Getting Ready For Vegas

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

On the road getting ready for the Vegas taping, when a fan goes too far and what you always wanted to yell at a passenger on a plane.Join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded May 17, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored byStanhope Store Merch - New online – the official Stanhope Shot Glass, a Podcast Coffee Mug, and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED with a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/LINKS -We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Check, check, test, test. I don't know if it's on. You know, I hear a lot of barn noises, which... She just said barn noises. I said barn noises. Barn noises. Did you say phone or foam? Brendan Walsh, we're just coming off the heels of a very ecstatic Brendan Burns. I'm exhausted in a good way. I am.

We did one podcast once that's coming out later where Chad said to you, as I'm pissing outside, thank God he just gave up on his notes and let this go the way it's gonna go. And tonight I did that, because there was nothing else to do. Brendan Burns is a force of nature. Yes. But I did

have stuff I wanted to talk about from the last... And I go... I am fucking exhausted from him in a good way like you say no great effervescent i think is i have a just one fun story from i do i want to give you notes on the last or the one that's coming up uh don't get so deflated if all of a sudden our conversation turns into a conversation. Don't think you have to follow your agenda, even if it's you're doing something that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Because everyone here, most of them, are not comics.

Are just people talking to you. So don't deflate them. But I did that. I know. I'm just people talking to you. So don't deflate comics. But I did that. I know. I'm talking about you to me. Not to Brendan. He was a fucking whirling dervish. But the one before,

Catherine Bertine, I had all sorts of notes. The next one. I think what I like about having to edit this thing is that it is a conversation. And I guess Trace will put a Twitter poll up. I do. Whether it should be more scripted.

I let that go. But I did. He's only in town for one day. And yeah, let's tell our story. I just had some beats because I had a fun two weeks with Brendan Walsh, the other Brendan. So you did – this week you did Brea and Oxnard, and the previous week you did Irvine. Ontario and San Jose. San Jose he wasn't there for. But he was on all four

of the ones that are close to LA so he could drive home to his stupid baby. Stupid baby! Is this dentist, Brendan Walsh, or realister? He changes it up. Realister. Realister.

I think I need another beer, Tracy. And we had great shows. Brendan, he's got his own situation going on. It took two weeks of two shows per week. You know, when we do like a major tour, at the end, you bring everyone up on stage and

like, hey, we just... Pictures. Yeah, we just killed the two months on tour. So, in Brea, the second week, we're just doing... The second week of four shows. LA adjacent where. adjacent, where Brendan goes home. So, the second week of two nights.

Irvine is almost a 38-minute drive. If you're on Twitter, you might have seen where Brendan Wall said, after the first week in Ontario and Irvine, Brendan Wall said after the first week in Ontario and Irvine, hey, I'm going to jump into the gang. It's some inside joke he has where he's going to buy me these brownish orange driving loafers with a zipper. And I go, so I thought it was a joke. And then when I get back from week one, here's those driving loafers in the mail. I wear a white driving loafer exclusively. You wear a white slip-on, sir.

Yes, a slip-on driving loafer. This is the same shoe, but this is a brownish-orange. I found a suit. I had a beautiful orange jacket with some yellow brown checkered pants and a tie that matched the socks and the shoes that he sent me. But it was very awkward after all these years of wearing a white driving loafer. But I did this for brendan walsh my friend and at the end the last night in brea brea you have to remember is the place where is legendary for me having not a meltdown but i was gonna do the joe rogan podcast that afternoon and i had some mushrooms so i this last time no the first time i did brea la adjacent which is kind of like a like a re-gentrified

like like commerce area it's whatever it is there's a Farrell's across the street oh yeah there is I grew up in Fullerton

it's it touches Brea right everything touches everything in fucking Southern California Orange County that has always been a place

that's very very cognizant of there being artwork. They have city councils who actually they fucking do shit. It's that master plan community there. On the surface, I

would say, fuck that, but the sushi is fucking awesome. Kabuki, we went to Kabuki Sushi in two different towns. A couple beer purveyors around there. That's not our thing. All improvs are like, even if it's not

an actual mall, they're adult destination. It's like a Burbank Eatertainment area in Orange County, which I love. It's easy. First night, week one, and In Orange County, which I love. It's easy. Yes. First night,

week one, we're doing Ontario. Fucking great show. Shut up, Meatwig. And it's row seating. So even the front row, there's only two

people, but there's a couple there. So the husband is behind the wife. She's front row. I walk out and they have a copy of Digging Up Mother with a pen attached. And I

we've gone over this with Bertinia. Like, I hate my face on that cover. It's grossest cover. I wish I could have changed that. So I just signed it right away to this older couple in their 60s, I guess, way older than us. Shut up, Meewig. I'm trying to fucking.

Oh, Henry's fucking with the cat. Good. They're trying to pick up the slack of Ichabod barking. Oh, I was going to say, listeners, the skew is towards more animal noises, less you and me talking. Just so you know how the fans rate. Yep. Twitter poll. So I signed their book, and now this woman is engaged.

I opened by signing their book so I don't have to stare at that at the front table. The only thing I can see is the front table. You're on stage and you're looking down and you see a book with a pen stuck in it. With my face that I hate on the fucking cover of the book. Let me just do this right now. I didn't say it, but let me just get the autograph out of the way. And then I feel she's engaged because she keeps gesticulating throughout my show and she's like doing hand motions and i'm like all right you probably saw this bit before

and i'm i'm the whole show i'm trying to ignore her to the end where I'm talking about an alligator and I'm not going to and she's like doing giant alligator slapping hands of like a big arm horizontal chomping alligator like she's coaching me she's staring right at me

and I know this it's the elevator. It's like she's a human teleprompter of telling me how the bit goes. Like in the old theater where they're in the clamshell. And I'm working on the new special. I'm trying to get every beat right. And at some point, like, I walk to, like, I duck down behind the person next to her so she can't see me to keep fucking with my act

and i i and then she kept doing it and i said the lady come on you're really fucking up my set what do you you act like you're a fucking deaf interpreter or something doing all this shit and then i went back to my set and three sentences later I heard her husband behind her in the row seating I'm like oh fuck she isn't doing deaf interpretation for the guy and then it was one of the

I go oh fuck the guy is deaf I'm sorry Jesus big speed bump in the show Ah, fuck, the guy is deaf. I'm sorry. Jesus. Big speed bump in the show. I have video of it. Oh, you want to save that? My head turns even more red than just alcoholism. And he was a very nice guy. I tried to pay their tab.

Fortunately, this is when tabs had already gone out. I'm like, can't you whisper when you do? Like, why do you have to, why do deaf interpreters have to go like big over the top? Can't you whisper with a couple of fingers twiddling?

Like you're masturbating on a train? Tracy knows ASL. She's shaking her head. You know enough of it. She's shaking her head when you said, can't you just whisper? How do you whisper in ASL, Tracy? You don't. The facial expressions and the hands are all part of emoting exactly what the person's saying and how they're saying it.

Gross. That's all. In the UK. It's uncivil as well. I used to do bits in the UK because instead of closed captioning, they would, like the late night news, they would have a live person on the lower corner of the screen doing this. Like they're mocking retarded people. You don't have fucking

closed captioning? That's old SNL. It's an old SNL bit? In the old SNL bit did the they do what I did where I just wet a napkin and put it on the TV screen

over the person I bet they did not do that so you're not distracted that's fucking brilliant fucking actually in the by the time this goes out in the

in the stand anyone who watches will have vinyl cling wrap squares with Doug Stano. If any of my fan base is a crossover of SNL, I'd be surprised. I have crossover of suicide, murder, jail. Hey, that's like an SNL bit.

Really? They had a funny one? No, they didn't. Because they forgot sticking a wet napkin over that guy mocking retarded people. I just imagine a French person going, SNL, I don't know. That sounds more Mexican. Sorry.

That was the first weeks. Irvine sucked. Really? That sounds more Mexican. Sorry. That was the first week. Well, you did. Irvine sucked. Really? Yeah. They were just fucking dead. And I couldn't tell. Is this me?

Or is it Orange County? But I think every time we've played Irvine, I just shit on them heavily. And I didn't have a lot of shit on you heavily. Yeah. They're the richest people in the fucking world. And so I've done a million bits. It's basically Costa Mesa is where you're at, at the Irvine. Yeah.

And no, now I'm working on my special. So it's not all about you. And maybe that's the reason. Hey, he usually tells us what pieces of shit we are. He didn't do that bit tonight. How was San Jose? San Jose was great because I got to go to Original Joe's, shout out. One of the best.

What's the name of the place we found in Madison? It's like a steakhouse. I think it was Hurricane Room. Hurricane Room. This was like that. I don't eat meat on a regular basis. And Tracy doesn't at all because you called me out the other night. I dream of just smelling the fucking Hurricane Room.

That is how. Remember when you go, can we just get a ribeye? That was such a great night. That smell. I will live on that forever because I love the taste of meat. I just choose not to eat it. That is a place I will break what I do to eat. In plan,

write this in your notes, the next tour in September is going to start in Madison and we have to... Day off. Day off. Oh wait, no, maybe Milwaukee. We'll see. We need a day off to go and day drink.

No, no, no. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Me and Hennigan sat down laptop to laptop and planned this. I didn't even have my road atlas or calendar. Not at the hurricane room. No, to start this tour. Okay.

Sorry. Just be on the mailing list. this tour okay sorry just be on the mailing list it's gonna go up north and then down through the east coast north and then to the southeast you've said too much already mr stanhope i i need to be on the fucking mailing list so you find out i just had to map it out finally i got to sit with hennigan and look at driving times okay what is it from charlotte to raleigh etc yeah and i told him all right i've mapped out the driving times i put these dates in order i want you to book if you can't do it don't do it backwards. What's happened too many times. Oh, we couldn't get Madison

and Detroit. So we're not doing Kansas to Denver again? Yeah. No, on the way back we will, but that's on our way back. That's great. Not those two towns. So get on the mail list. Go to donStanhope.com. Tracy.

Tracy. What? Tracy's fielding a call from bingo. Oh. Get on the mailing list because you will get first crack at all of these tickets. We do it geographically. So you put all your information in. Hannigan will get in touch with you.

You get first crack at these tickets. That's the best way to do it. Original Joe's in San Jose is this 1930s, 1940s. You have bartenders say, I'm the new guy and I've been here for 35 years. They know how to make proper

drinks and the spaghetti and meatballs. Paul Kimball, who will show up in the new special, was there to have dinner with me. Thank you, Paul. Sorry you couldn't stay for the show. Understand your new predicaments.

You got to buy a ticket if you want to go to the show. But the second week. Wait, hold on a second. What drink did you get at Uncle Joe's? Manhattan, then old-fashioned. There are old guys that make old drinks, those old-school. It's not even a steakhouse. It's kind of, it's almost like they have everything.

Yeah. But it's from the 40s, and they dress everything. Yeah. But it's from the 40s. And they dress up. And I was walking just around town trying to find a haircut and trying to find original Joe's. Oh, a shout out to Jordan. I think that's his name. I always call him Jasper.

What's in a name? I got an email, which I usually never respond to these. I get an email from a guy who says, hey, I'm an Uber driver. And I saw you're coming to San Jose, coming to the show. But if you need a ride from the airport, which I actually did, I needed a ride from the airport to the airport hotel to drop off my shit to then get an Uber to meet Paul Kimball at Original Joe's for dinner. And I stayed sober. This is a... I can't remember the last time I stayed sober because I had to fly from John Wayne Airport in Irvine or Santa Ana through Phoenix.

What? Yeah, it's flying American. We're going to get to this. This is a fuck. I have a great story at the end of this. I Chad Shanked the end of this fucking tour. North and then east. Because that's their hub.

West. It's their hub. I know. I get it. So flying out of there, I stayed sober. Being in an Admirals Club, that's the Sky Club of American. I just get some weird promotional status on American. So I go, yeah, because Delta's hub is Salt Lake.

So it's way quicker. And they gave me some status. So I get bumped up a lot of times. So that trip after Irvine, I fly through Phoenix two hours. I'm losing money, Chaley, because I've been bumped up. Which means you're not drinking.

Yeah, I'm losing money because I'm not drinking. I drink on airplanes. That's why I fly in a day early because I can't give up the free fucking drinks on first class admirals club for two

hours first class to San Jose so I did not drink and Jordan picked me up dropped me off at the hotel to drop my shit then dropped me at original Joe's in San Jose.

This guy's just waiting around for you to go somewhere? But he's an Uber driver. No, I get it. But he preemptively said, hey, if you need a ride, and he was waiting for you, and then he just carted you around. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm saying how smart of that guy. No, when he dropped me off, because it's early.

Three hours, four hours for the show. He's like, oh no, I can just turn myself back on and work for three hours till the show. Thank you very much, Jordan. It was very nice. And then Paul and I had

dinner and a lot of cocktails. I still wound up really fucked up. Wait, you drank before show? No, I didn't drink on three. But you had dinner with Paul Kimball and you drank because that's a social situation. Yeah. Let's be honest. But I didn't drink on those flights.

Yeah. I spent a whole day of flying not drinking, which I don't do. It was, I felt strong. But you drank with Paul Kimball and then you went and did a show? Yeah, and then I got really fucking hammered. You didn't drink too much.

I don't even know how I get home. Oh, well, that's after the show. Before the show, were you wasted before you got to the fucking venue? Nah, my... How do you quantify wasted with me? Tracy, can I treat this person as a hostile witness? I don't know. Because that's not like you to drink pre-show more than a couple drinks.

It was a couple drinks. Yeah. And I was hydrating, which has been forced into me because of javelina and now... We could do an on-stage... Bertinia? Bertie? Outer... What do they call that thing? No, where they stick

the tube inside you? Catheter. We can do an external catheter. They're very popular in Mardi Gras. Oh. The show went fine, I guess. Yeah.

Ontario was great. Irvine was shit. San Jose? San Jose. Well, I've been doing the whole thing. I'm working out this whole new- San Jose was improv, right? Yeah.

Okay. They're all improvs, even if they're Funny Bones or Levity Lives. They're all TGI Fridays. even if they're funny bones or levity lives. They're all TGI Fridays. No, we've done shows up in the San Jose area, and it wasn't an improv. Well, that's Santa Cruz.

Do you remember that? Remember Santa Cruz? That fucking hotel and that bar called The Office or something? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. But yeah, this was not that. This is fucking improv. When I saw you had San Jose and I wasn't gone, I'm like, oh, my God.

That fucking bar. That fucking bar. You have to understand. I'm focused on getting the set. I've done it backwards and forwards. Sometimes I go, you know, I'm going to start with my closer, which I'll get to. Do you want to explain that? The idea behind that?

Well, just to see how it works, because now I'm actually listening to it. Yeah, sometimes. So you work the set straight through. Closer is what you go, oh, this is the best part of the set. So when I've opened with my closer and worked backwards, I lose one callback,

but I'm actually invigorated. I have gumption. I feel it. And then the other problem is this whole tour of working on my set is all in malls. They're improv comedy clubs where they drop tabs, right where I should be hitting a stride for a closer. Explain dropping tabs.

You explained it. Dropping tabs. Doug builds up. Well, the comedy show builds up until a point to where he's getting ready to get off stage. I'll explain it. Have you ever watched someone's comedy special on Netflix where right at the end, waitresses are dropping tabs and people are doing math and no one's listening. There's a lot of. Yeah, that doesn't happen.

It's off camera chatter. Yeah. So for the last three dates, I'm working this out. I go, no, there's going to be no opener in Minneapolis for the three dates. My last three dates to go into Vegas. Sold out. They're sold out. But no, there's going to be no opener.

That way I can work out the special part first, and then I can work on shit I'll be doing on my next tour at the end while you're all dropping tabs and not listening. You're doing fucking, should we separate? But we don't know them. They sat at the table. Did you put all those drinks on her? Because it's a six-top, and there's a four,

and they said that they could split it. Yeah, it's a fucking mess. So by the time week two comes, I did Irvine, Ontario, San Jose. Then for some reason, I wasn't thinking, I should have just stayed out there. You should have been on the road with me. Because I flew back for the weekend and then had to fly right back out to do Brea, Oxnard. Oxnard, which is, if I ever moved back to California California and California doesn't split in half,

Northern and Southern Oxnard and, uh, Port Hueneme, I had a fiance for a while and she lived up there. I fucking loved it. The like North of Oxnard, Port Hueneme, it's near the coast.

It's not LA. And you're, you're enough. As long as I flew into Santa Barbara, which is 40 minutes from Oxnard. I was, and you're enough. As long as you... I flew into Santa Barbara, which is 40 minutes from Oxnard. I was... Again, I drank on airplanes and this will come in handy

at the end of this. Should we break? Yes, I have to know. That was a commuter flight into Santa Barbara. Was it a twin prop? No, it's American Airlines. Really? Into Santa Barbara. Was it a twin prop? Well, no. It's American Airlines. Really?

Into Santa Barbara? Out of Phoenix, yeah. Oh. This is why I flew American while I still had status. So pause. Just pause. Hey, you know what? Let's get a cocktail.

Cocktail. Let's get a cocktail. If you're in Columbia, Missouri, and you're looking for some feral cat salad, go to Saki Sushi and ask for Jesse. We voted number one. This is Bingo. You are listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey where were we week two i brought i'll get to it but i brought uh what okay week two is you're

in oxnard and you just flew in from santa barbara and then you drove out and then you're going to end up going somewhere else yeah oxnard was a fine show. That was Levity Live, which had you ever performed there before? Yeah, that's the time fucking Johnny Depp and the entire crew show up, and they let us drink and smoke in the green room. This is a comedy club. It's like a movie theater, a comedy club. Yeah, we're done at 945.

But he had like secret service level security. Yeah, that shit. And we drank in there and smoked in a phone booth green room till 2.30 in the morning where only the manager who has... I'm not going to tell Johnny Depp to leave. No, no, I'm up. What do you guys need? A bottle of Dom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ashtrays empty? Yeah, I'll do it. Christy showed up. His sister. Oh, yeah, yeah. Keenan? No, no. He went on a motorcycle tour. So it was just Christy, but they kept acting with that

kind of reverence. They were so great. We were there until like 11 at night. We had fun. It was a Tuesday. So all those people were either delivering pizzas

or changing diapers. I'll tell you a story where Christy Depp, we had a stalker who you might remember. Not a stalker. What are you doing? Don't do this. No, no, no. It's a stalker story that ends good? No, you know this guy.

He's a heart attack Mike. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heart attack Mike was a guy that came to Chattanooga, Tennessee, and he had emailed me, I think, that he was about to have open- heart surgery that he might not live through, but he pushed it off so he could come see my show at that fucking old church in Chattanooga. So I made him a celebrity for the night, but then he got the open heart surgery and he didn't die. And so forever, he thinks, well, yeah, it's a good story. But we're not. And we actually, in 2016, years after Heart Attack Mike has been coming to the shows,

like we had to run from him after a book signing at Book Soup. We actually ran to ditch that guy, and he just keeps coming and acting like he's part of the podcast. And he showed up at Oxnard, the door host. Hey, do you know a guy named Heart Attack Mike? He says he's coming backstage. That's his moniker? Yeah, well, this is what I called him.

But, I mean, this is many years later. That was in 2012 at the Lindsay Street Hall. It was a converted church. Yeah, that's seven years ago. He just keeps showing up just because i made like a fun for him about hey that was kind of cool you put off yeah that doesn't make us friends

and he would 2016 he's there and we literally ran to get away from him because he's like i'm gonna we're gonna hang out and talk and so so he shows up beforehand when i'm talking to christy uh the the door guy says hey do you know heart attack mike and me and hennigan just go oh fuck he's still it keeps coming it keeps coming seems like your moniker is a little off and i said i as i told the people i will come out after the show if you bought shit i'll sign it i'll be there after the show and so that wasn't enough. Then he goes to the sound man. So while Christy and I are talking, Good move. The sound man doesn't know better,

and he walks in going, Hey, you have a guest. And he walks in, I go, Mike, you know better than this. I'll see you after the show. Well, other times I've been welcomed into the... So then after the show well other times i've been welcomed into the so then after the show after i've announced on stage hey uh i'm gonna i'll sign your shit uh i'm gonna smoke for 20 minutes and then i'll come out let the dead weight leave i'll go sign

your shit immediately after the show he's pounding on the green room door. And in Oxnard, if you remember, oh, you weren't there. I wasn't there. Yeah. There's the club entrance and then the- It's a comedy club. Yeah, but there's an entrance out the back. The dumpster where they take the trash.

And Christy Depp, who's dealt with this plenty of times with Johnny Depp, she's like, I'll handle this. She's so fucking great. I'll handle this. And she's like, he left. He's out front. And then he comes around to the emergency exit door of the green room, pounding on that.

And we go, we know who this is. And the club was so great. I'm not going to go out there if that fucking asshole is out there and he's already we can hear him through the wall yelling at security no uh we have personal business that i need to face to face with him you just get so bigger dick in a bigger dick if you listen to the podcast before this yes burnsy that's why we have security cameras because you never know when that guy's gonna show up and think oh he made fun of me one night and had me applauded And had me applauded.

So he finally, they have to remove him from the mall property. He's outside. He's banging on every door. And they finally have to remove him. And then I go out. And by then, there's like 10 people who are still waiting for a signature. Yeah, no, it's great. And thank you for understanding. Yeah, I can't fucking deal

with people who think that it's more than a show. For fucking seven years. You know, we're at the point. We haven't talked about this. We're at the point now where we need to curtail this.

We need to stop doing it. I mean, I know you consider it, hey, this is Shaley's money. It's a thing where you're- I'll put this out for the Twitter people, which Twitter people are not necessarily the only fan base. But we talked about this. Where like Ron White and other people, they do a VIP, pay more for a meet and greet. Which is no more than what I do.

Yeah, we'll hustle you through, take a picture. I don't know how to go about this. Everyone that's listening that's been to a comedy show knows someone that's been called out or made into a, Hey, I appreciate you for being here. That's not a lifelong obligation, but it is to him. But when he went fucking crazy at the end, I need to talk to a man, a man. All right, that's crazies.

And I understand I attract crazies, but I don't tolerate what happened. And we talked about this, where before this tour, I sent out tweets, hey, I will not be doing merch after any of these shows. But if you buy merch from DougStanhope.com slash store, I will sign

that afterwards. And now I realize, well, now I'm more fucked because I'm not selling merch. You're not making any money. Wait, stay with me. I know. I get it.

But all these people will be lined up to take cell phone pictures, which they have to ask if it's okay to take cell phone pictures. No one's managing. And then they're, no, the improv is managing this. Oh, good. They set it up. No, Improv is managing this. They set it up.

Like Rogan, the last time I saw Rogan at a club, he was taking a picture with everyone. He's not selling merch. He's just letting everyone fucking take a picture and it's longer than his set to go through this fucking line because no one knows how to use their camera or uh is it okay and then they have a long story what do you know you know that podcast you did four years ago changed my life and like i understand it did but i need to get the fuck out of here and all the magic that you've created for a few people on stage is wasted so now i'm not selling merch

but the improv is overzealous in in there you know no okay you so that first night in ontario the deaf guy and his wife I I'm kind of a chem guy I have 94% pure blow I made just for you I'm like yeah but I can't well it's not a thing

I've ever experienced it's real pure blow like gum your numbs shit. And I'm like, I would love to try it, but I'm on the first night of this tour. I can't travel with this, and I'm not going to do fucking blow in a Hampton Inn in a mall with Brian Hennigan. He doesn't understand the references. And I'm i'm going no and he wouldn't take it back wrong place wrong time and so i just like chucked it to wow really yeah i chucked it to because the improv security team is there having this procession line, and then another guy gives me a bag, a brown paper bag of mushrooms.

Oh, my God. And I'm like, I can't travel with this, and I'm not going to do mushrooms in a Hampton Inn, sharing a room with Brian Henneken. He wouldn't take it back. That one, one of the door guys actually pocketed that. Anyway. Actually, that's a tip to the door guys.

Yeah. You want to work table security for a while. Are we at break time? Because this is a good time to break. 15 minutes, so we're good. Oh, all right. Yeah. We're good. Because the next week.

The next week would be the Oxnard Brea. So, yeah. Oxnard Brea. So, yeah. Oxnard Hangout. Brea. Brea, if you don't know or remember, Brea is the first time I played there. Joe Rogan had me. The Brea Improv. Improv, yeah.

They've moved locations, but the memory is still... Bass and Cherry and Imperial. It's new from where it was. Either way, the memory is still a stain. Where I was coming from Irvine up to Brea. Wait. Oh, because you flew into Brea and I did mushrooms that morning what? you said mushrooms in the morning

that doesn't usually I'm saying this years ago this is why I don't do the mushrooms that I give to door guys I did mushrooms knowing it's going to be a long Uber ride to Joe Rogan's chats worth wherever the fuck he does his podcast. So I did mushrooms.

Then I started drinking on the podcast while I'm tripping. And then I thought, oh, I'm ballsy enough to do Joe Rogan's weed, which, as you know, I don't smoke weed. You smoked weed? I remember this. The only times I've ever known that you smoked weed was that and Doug was, oh, wait. Getting high with Doug. Getting high with Doug. Getting high with Doug, yeah.

And I only smoked that because I wanted a cigarette so bad at like 7 in the morning. I'll just smoke whatever you got. It never works for me. And then Rogan had to drive me to my show that night at the Brea Improv where Rogan actually tweeted an apology the next day. If you went to the Doug Stano, I couldn't make sentences. I couldn't talk.

I was so fucked. Like, real fucked. Like, sleeping in the dog bed. Fucked. And I had to go on stage. Let's take the break now because i the strong story comes out of this all right we'll be right back cocktails click hang on i think you just phoned that in yeah i know because i'm gonna keep talking go cocktail wait ready cocktails

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Call Eric Greenspan, 310-820-7717. And keep calling. Mention Kenny for Mayor and get 10% discount. This advertisement has been approved. So we do Oxnard. We're back, right? Right? We do Oxnard.

When I get my beer, we'll be back. Brendan Walsh had some problems early on, like just his regular life. You know, Brendan Walsh is the party starter and for the first week he was yeah and it was just like like his life shit sorry i didn't have kids you You did. And then other shit. He was just, he was not the Brendan Walsh.

But by the second week, he was back. And if you look at- The third show. When he says second week, we mean the third show. The last show of the second week. I was doing three shows. I realized I fucked up the math, because

he only did two shows, Irvine, Ontario. He wasn't at San Jose. The second week was two shows that he's driving back and forth to home. He's sleeping in his bed at night. Yeah.

And you're sleeping with a Henning. But between those, we had a weekend off and he's tweeting me. If you look at the Twitter, hey, I'm going to jump into the gang. Are you willing to wear these shoes? These fucking orange shoes. So now it's back to old Brendan Walsh where we're fucking around and when he'd bring me up we'd put our shoes up together

these dumb shoes these driving loafers that are orange-ish brown-ish do you remember that one show where Brendan wanted to go up like in between

like the host and the middle act and it was some fucking place upstairs and Brendan wanted to go up in between the host and the middle act. And it was some fucking place upstairs. And Brendan goes, I want you to bring me up. And I'm a blind guy. And we brought him up to the stage. And he was looking 90 degrees to the right. And addressing everyone as if he's looking stage right the whole time.

And it was so fucking funny. And then there was another one where he was a clown that was afraid of balloons. I know. Balloono, the clown. I never even thought about it until you said the old Brandon Walsh. I remember these things where he would just say, Shaylee, I'm doing this. I'm like, yeah, let's do it. Don't have kids. Don't have kids is what I meant.

Don't be a writer in Hollywood. He had serious issues. I'm not downing him for being. But second week, we hit a stride. So Brea was Brea. Brea was the fourth night. That's where I had the breakdown show with Joe Rogan. Where I couldn't see the fucking audience.

I couldn't make a sentence. Joe Rogan had to tweet the next day. Hey, if you were at the Brea show for Doug Stanhope last night, I take full responsibility. Hashtag weed ain't for everyone. Was this when you were pissing out the car door? No, no, that's years ago. But no, this is a show.

This is after that whole mushroom weed, smoking thing. He had to drive me to that show, which we barely made it in time. From Chatsworth? I don't know where. Yeah, he was out there before his new location. So, wow. He's a friend. That's more than an airport run.

He is. So this Brea show, I expected the worst. Hennigan said the ticket sales are not good for a reason. Based on that show. The fucking crowd.

It was the best crowd. And I brought Brendan out like we do at the end of a long tour I go hey listen Brendan stay with me because you know at the end of the tour it's customary

to thank everyone involved and this is a two day tour we just did a two day tour and I want to thank everyone 50 miles apart and i can't remember the last time we toured together oh wait that was last week on the three-day tour forgetting he didn't do the san jose day it was another two-day tour

and then we put up our matching brown shoes that he had bought me to jump me in the gang that I'm wearing right now. Someone else had them too. Johnny Pemberton. Yes. Yeah. You have to follow at Brendan Walsh.

Head Principal Brendan Walsh. He's... Well, he changes it. But it's at Brendan Walsh. He's... Well, he changes it. Well, yeah, that's what it is now. But it's at Brendan Walsh. He's the funniest motherfucker. And he... Like, we had the greatest night, the greatest audience.

I did my set backwards for the special that I'm filming next week. And I'm like, oh, I think this is better. It made more questions. How did you handle the reverse callback? Because Tracy and I were wondering about that because you

told us about it last week. You'll find out in the new special. We get to film three shows to make the new special. So I'll do it two ways. One way, one way the other. And Hannigan will edit. do it. Two ways. One way, one way the other, and Hannigan will end it.

Fucking great night. That's great. I love Brea. Flying back. Here's my story. Okay, so where did you fly out of? Orange County again? Yeah, back through SNA, John Wayne Airport. Santa Ana Airport,

John Wayne Airport. This Ana Airport, John Wayne Airport. This time, I can drink. That one trip. They don't have a Sky Club at Santa Ana, do they? Yes, they do. They do? Well, no. Delta?

No, Admirals Club. Admirals Club. I was doing this American Airlines thing. Sorry, Delta. I cheated on you for a little bit. I'll be honest. But I'm coming right back to you. So, had several drinks there.

Then get on the plane, had a couple drinks. Then had a three-hour layover in Phoenix. Had a lot of drinks. But I did buy... Wait, hold on. You talked about this before. Where did you go in Phoenix? Applebee's or whatever, the Chili's or something is the only place you can drink.

No, no. That first time... No, we didn't talk about this because that's the lost podcast that didn't get recorded. No, I said Phoenix has a lounge that's nonspecific to airlines. I told you about it. No, that's San Jose. No, that's Phoenix. All right.

Either way. Sky Harbor has. Okay. At the beginning of this whole thing, I went through Phoenix Airport every time between flights. So I was there like six times. And the first time, Phoenix Airport fucking sucks.

And they have basically one bar per concourse. So I went up. I don't fly American. I'm per concourse. So I went up. I don't fly American. I'm a Delta guy. And I went to the Sky Club and they said, oh, it's going to cost you 60 bucks to get into the Sky Club here at the Admiral's Club. And unless you sign up for this credit card i'm like fuck this

so i go back down to the one bar which there's not one single seat open in that bar because they only have one fucking bar per concourse and then i had to slink back up to the Sky Club. All right, I'll get this fucking credit card. So on the way back after the second week, now I have full credit. Oh, this is another thing where I, All right. That's so off topic. What? Well, you can get two people in to the Sky Club, their Admiral's Club. You can bring two people in once you apply for this fucking credit card. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. So I was going through. We're on a flight that's late. Everyone else is missing their flight. And so I go, hey, does anyone want to go to the Admiral's Club? And then one lady was hip to the fact that I did not know the people I'm bringing in. See, it's off topic. Did she call you on it?

Let me just get to my fucking good story. Coming home from the last of this. Brea. You're leaving Brea. Admirals Club at SNA. Santa Ana. Cocktails. Three-hour layover.

Phoenix. Which is so fucked up because three-hour layover and the what they call an hour flight that's 23 minutes. It's four hours from Phoenix to Tucson, which is an hour and a half drive. But you've been drinking. The bartender sees my... You know when I... Both of us, Chaley and I, when we fly, even Tracy and Bingo, I have... We dress for the event.

We dress for the event, but we fly Delta, where proponents, even though they give us no credit, I have vintage Delta pins from the 70s, 80s, 90s. And we wear them and they notice them. Oh, that's great. And then I buy more. There's a big pile right there. And when you have a flight attendant that's really cool. Pilots notice them. I've had pilots, when you're walking out of the plane,

say, hey, nice pin. And I didn't have another, a spare, so I didn't give it to them. Oh, you will now. I should have given it to them. Just because I was doing two weeks on american i bought two vintage three vintage pins one aa and uh the other two were uh themed other was a boo Halloween themed. But it was too

small. It matched my orange outfit that I was wearing. Your outfit this last tour I gave you props on Twitter or I told you personally. Brian said, oh you might wear that for the

special. Well, you'd have to talk to whoever's doing the photography to find out if that might not play well because honestly, that was a smoking set. That tie with that jacket and then

muting it with a cream-colored shirt, fucking genius. I said that on stage I go listen maybe you heard some of these bits before I don't know but I put together a perfect suit so

if you've heard this before just remember I put more effort into the suit than I did the act. Because I know the act. I just have to know how it works perfectly for this special. If it's going to taste good with this suit. Listen, basically, Tracy, Chad, and I are driving out your suits

to the special in Vegas. your suits to the special in Vegas. And I need to see something better than what you did this last week. That is the bar that you need to get past.

It's green. Striping green. I'm going to bring your wife. Alright, let's get done with this. Because I got on the plane out of Brea. Now I can drink. And they have an Admirals Club.

I'm never going to fly American again. I had a brief window of where I have. They gave me free status. And if you. They passed you over. By the way, Phoenix will be getting a Delta Sky Club in 2019, sometime in 2019. And they're going to kill smoking in Atlanta.

But let's not just focus on the negative. I smoke. I mean, not smoke. I drink at 1230. I know I get there two hours early, as I always do. So I start drinking at 1030 in the morning at SNA. Then I have a three-hour layover in Phoenix for the 23-minute flight from Phoenix to Tucson, which is stupid, but I get to drink for free.

And that's just losing money if you don't do it. I'm making up for that time I didn't drink the week before. So on the plane, the 23-minute plane, this is such a... I hate Chad Shank is not here for this. On the 23-minute plane, I got bumped up to first class. Oh, how great. And this is on a 23-minute flight. This is a nine-seater. There is one seat on the first three rows and double seats on the other three rows.

It's a very compact first class. It doesn't matter. And there's a girl, she reminded me of April from the Coach and Horses days. She's a gangly, cute girl that didn't know quite what she was doing. You know she's a trainee. All teeth, no gums? Just, I don't know about that. She was a lot of teeth because she smiled. All right, I'm going to have to back up. I'm going to have to back up. I,

because of Valentina, have Elena and Catherine Bertine, Bertinia, Libertine, Bertie, however you call it. I really have developed a positive attitude and I text with them a lot. And so I write like positive things. Hang hang on i get the fucking guy's names

ryan ryan was on one of these two weeks of flights he he was a goofball that looked like a crispin glover and like a very duck, but he had a strong personality. And so I'd write notes. Hey, listen, you're doing great and you should do more. I write positive fucking messages. Did you send it to him? No, I hand it to him. You wrote a hand-

I do this a lot. To a Crispin Glover fucking motherfucker? Yeah, you only know negative me on planes. I'm sorry if I don't believe what you're saying right now. Amanda. I've got 25 years of experience to say I don't know who I'm looking at. The boo pin? AA Boo?

Which I bought that vintage AA American Airlines boo as, like, because I'm a Delta guy. And I thought, oh, if someone notices that, like they do the Delta pins, I can go. No, that's a boo, like boo your airline. Or no, that's not even a American Airlines. It's Alcoholics Anonymous boo. So get me a drink. But it was so small. But I gave that to Amanda, who was a flight attendant that would talk to you like a bartender at a bar that was empty.

She was just, like, talking about her job and shit and, like, inside information. Annoyingly? No, no, great. That was where I was not bumped up to first class and whatever comfort. Comfort plus. And where me and the guy at the window seat are hoping no one sits here. And she goes, oh, no, I have an app that'll tell you if someone's going to sit that middle seat. No, you're good.

I'm like, yeah, high five. Really? Yeah. She was just like a cool chick. Wait, American has that? Yeah, she got the boo pin. Nice. I think we need to... When I gave her the pin that I bought for $7.99 on eBay,

it was a short flight. When they came through with the drinks, I go, yeah, I'll take a gin and tonic. No, make it a double gin and tonic. And she gave me two gins. Did you come over? I had the lighter in my hand. Chaley just came around. Well, because I'm trying to finish the sentence.

I know, but you're like standing there with an unlit cigarette and our bartender is sitting in the lounge chairs and it was driving me nuts. It's like, just smoke got i guess i've watched old sets of mine i'm sorry i did it like like uh uh no refunds where where i have a beer in my hand and i keep starting to drink it yeah and i don't i remember it's not on the. It's hesitation cuts for a cutter.

Alright, I liked it. I got two free Bombay Sapphire mini bottles. Nice. Being positive, and then at the end of that flight, which was 53 minutes,

probably that one, I got a tap on the shoulder from the seat behind me, and she just held up a Hershey's Kiss. And I had Muddy Bears in my... So I ate her, and I handed her back Muddy Bears. She held up something and you took it from her? Yeah, it was first class. You trust these people.

That's right. But it was just random. She tapped me and just gave me a Hershey's Kiss. So I handed back my box of Muddy Bears and she took them. And then I had the two empty mini bottles of Bombay Sapphire,

our beautiful light blue bottles. So I ripped off the tag of my boarding pass, and I wrote, thanks for the kiss. And I rolled it up and put it in the bottle,pped it and she's like oh my god i got a message in a bottle like you're throwing it in the ocean well i handed it back i'm just saying i was very fucking positive yeah this is this is when you go to bed

at night wasted and bingo and I both wake up early and go we gotta get

out of here he's not up yet we're waiting hang on come on in come on in Scott this is the

payoff coming back to Tucson yeah Come on in. Come on in, Scott. This is the payoff. Coming back to Tucson on that 23-minute flight, that trainee, the nice, gangly lady, well, evidently, when you're in first class even if it's 23 minutes he had his uh he's a suit guy he's a suit so he probably had some expensive suit not yours no no i had a beautiful orange suit brooks brother this comes back this is uh don't you Don't get it. Don't bury the lead, as they say. So this guy, and this is why sometimes drinking is important, because this guy, as we get our pre-23-minute flight from Tucson to Phoenix to Tucson flight,

minute flight from Tucson to Phoenix to Tucson flight. He's got his jacket that he wants holstered in the you know, oh hang up my jacket because I'm in first class. Well

she had taken too long with the handing out drinks and the lady that's training her, he's like, why don't you hang up my jacket? She goes, we can't do that. We're already taxiing, so we can't open that up. And he starts gesticulating like Louis Black.

This is outrageous. No. Can you believe it? And he says, is anybody on? Does anybody get this? Is anyone on my side? However, he said it. And I thought I was the only, because he's in 1A, I'm in 2A.

And I thought I was the only one that heard it. But no, all of the only tiny three rows of first class. Three, four rows, yeah. Three rows, nine seats. They're like, yeah, you are on your own. Like, you shouldn't. And I'm like, oh, fuck. You're the first one we kill.

And so for the 22 more minutes, I'm like, oh, fuck. What would Chad Shank do? Oh, man. I fucking hate this guy. He's just some miserable cocksucker in a fucking suit. He thinks, yeah, as soon as we're in the air, you can hang it up. But, oh, no. Entitlement.

That's the fucking word. But all of first class had been with me. And the guy right across the aisle says says what do you do for a living and I said stand up comic which is the dumbest thing to say but he was making a point like what if your first it was her second day

doing this and he goes Janine from American Eagle. Tracy said F.A., which is very appropriate. F.A. is flight attendant. I understand. Yeah.

No, we know the nomenclature. He goes, what would you do if that guy was heckling you and we bonded? And he goes, but you're a stand-up comic? You could probably work this into your act. Common thing. I go, because already I'm rapid cycling how I'm gonna

fuck this guy as soon as we land. Don't do it in the air. That's a felony in the air. Yeah. So I'm already going through all this shit and he said

I said wait till we land. Yeah. He put me to a place where, alright, yeah, all this shit that you fantasize about, now I have to do it. So when we fuck, get to the jetway.

So, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before he said anything, were you going to put this guy in his place? Yeah, that was at the leaving. So you had already figured on doing it. Oh, I was calling chad shank in to have him killed like you know how you fantasize about stuff but once that guy says oh you can put this in your act i go now you say i go wait till we land now i have to do something so as soon as we're at the jet way to d plane i said hey everybody i stood up no hey everybody no fucking

way if i had this would be viral on fucking newser right now if i if i was there i if you were there but you know once you start filming you i fucking stood up on a plane and announced it? As we're at the jetway, I said, Hey, how about a big round of applause for our trainee Janine? Because all of first class that have heard this cocksucker shitting on her. And I said, all right, some people in first class think they can berate a trainee that's trying her best because they have a jacket for their suit

that might get wrinkled in the three minutes it stays on their lap on a 33-minute flight. And then the other people that are training her. I'm yelling. Yeah, yeah. The three rows. Are you standing up? Yeah, I'm standing up, and I'm talking back to Coach.

Oh, the sullied. Yeah, I'm projecting because some people think that their jacket might get wrinkled in three minutes of a 23-minute flight. And the people training her have to say, I'm sorry, because that's their job. But I don't have to say, I'm sorry. You don't have to say I'm sorry you don't have to say I'm sorry so join me if you like this is what I would say

and I got right in his face no fuck you right in his face he wouldn't look up from his knees and then he had to sit there waiting for minutes. Yeah. I got fucking high-fived

at baggage claim. And it's one of those times where I go, can I really pull this off? Yes, I can. Because I'm drinking. And if I weren't drinking and i was gonna say it's interesting because i don't think you would have gone to that you didn't know you were going to go to that extreme until i think your neighbor says something absolutely i have to do this. To an extreme that I would never have gone to

until I knew everyone was watching. You're a professional. I came back to the Tucson Airport Hotel beaming with such pride that I actually did it. Sometimes

you think about it and occasionally you do it. And yeah yeah that guy's a fucking cunt he's breaking a fucking girl's ah oh before that sorry it's in my notes bobby from the Phoenix fucking Wendy's on the B course. Bobby, who I thought might be Robert Guillaume. He looked like Robert Guillaume, but I know he's dead. Robert Guillaume is dead, yeah. Yeah.

I only know that because of Doug Stanoff's Celebrity Death Pool. He started fucking. I went to get a sandwich and before that flight and uh some guatemalan squat lady oh you're not supposed to uh check out till three o'clock so you're gonna leave at 305 and I go really you're gonna berate a an employee no no please continue berating a minimum wage employee while I'm no keep keep going and then

he said yeah that would be funny if I wasn't kidding and then I realized he was just trying to be funny but I'm a goddamn savior of the people Scott's here. Gotta go. Well, I do want to say that in Phoenix,

the club is a nonspecific lounge. I've told you about it in the past. I want to make a plug for how you know what lounges are in what airports. You get the Lounge Buddy app, and it will tell you if it's got a Delta Sky Club, Admiral's Club, or another club that you can just get into by paying 20 or 40 bucks.

Yes. And you will never hear that plug again unless they sponsor us. So fuck them. Absolutely. Because honestly, I think we're given the keys to the city because honestly we like, I love that there's no one in there and no one's figured it out yet, but the club in Phoenix, that there's no one in there and no one's figured it out yet.

But the club in Phoenix, that's a good one. Wing Tips in St. Louis is another one. They're nonspecific to airlines, but you've got to pay cash. Pay cash to you. Pay cash. Pay cash. All right. Let's get out of here.

I've got to go talk to to Scott we just fucking squeaked bye Doug let's get let's go good goodbye Thank you.