The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #316: Busted Skulls

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Doug invites Kathryn Bertine back into the FunHouse to discuss her non-profit organization Homestretch Foundation, her traumatic brain injury and how she suffered a shark bite while in a bike race. Chad checks in with another Police Beat.Bid on Bingo's Recumbant Trike on eBay. All proceeds benefit the Homestretch Foundation - https://www.ebay.com/itm/Comedian-Doug-Stanhopes-Catrike-Recumbent-benefitting-Homestretch-Foundation/392309441262Want a BONUS episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast? Click over to our Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) and check out the premiums to support the podcast.When the monthly goal is reached we will put out an extra podcast at the end of the month. This extra podcast will only be available to those who have donated for that month. Thanks in advance.  - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded May 11th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kathryn Bertine (@KathrynBertine), Old Unkle Tom, Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Postmates - For a limited time, receive $100.00 of free delivery credit for your first 7 days. To start your free deliveries, download the Postmates app and use code “DSP”. https://postmates.com/www.DougStanhope.com/store - Order one of the last VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse” at http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I do this so you don't have to see me. Yeah, we're going to get a bigger microphone. A huge pillow that we're going to put over the mic for his windscreen. Why does Shaq have a keg in front of this face

priceless pillows priceless pillows get a priceless pillow they're good i stole a pillow from uh that hotel i stay in when i get back from this road trip, I was so comfortable in that goddamn bed, I overstayed my welcome past checkout. And we always used to, Bingo always would steal a pillow from that place.

Well, to be fair, most of the time she would trade up. She'd bring in some slobbery pillow, switch out the pillow casing and walk out and then years later we found out from the people in the bar that we knew they said uh oh no housing housekeeping knows you do that they talk about it in meetings yeah every time you stay here here and and uh i think i was talking to uh katherine bertine who has not yet had a a a permanent nickname but we've gone with uh catamaran catmandu libertine i like that one

what was what was the one trace birdie birdie i like that one bertinia i went with just because i use ber Bertinia as an old person's name in my act. It's not fair to- It's not fair. Birdie. Well, she's elderly according to her sport. And we were just talking about this. It's how you base your own success versus other people's evaluation of your success.

So yeah, at 44, on your birthday, you are elderly in the world of cycling. That is true. I'm pretty ancient. But you're my best friend in the entire world. So I don't judge you to your face. You just bring it up to her. I kind of like the yin-yang thing. That worked as a nickname.

Oh, I still haven't been on Twitter. Bullshit. Well, I mean to, like, read shit. Since I tweeted that, you said some positive thing. Chad Shank is obviously here. I don't really have to announce you. You announce yourself when you talk.

But you tweeted some positive thing like you always do. That's what I do. And then I just, I did a Chad Shank. Chad Shank does Monday, hashtag Monday motivation. Or is it Monday motivational? Monday motivation. And he just writes really negative shit so i did i took that tact with something you said and i said hey i at the end you go oh everyone's a winner and i don't know what the fuck you wrote but i just this i went i

replied with the opposite and uh, hey, I'm Doug. I'm Catherine's gang. I think it worked. We need that balance. Yeah, you've made me so positive between you. It started with not so positive that it's going to ruin my act. with not so positive that it's going to ruin my act, but in real life,

Valentina Javelina? Javelina, Ristrapon, one of my favorites. Her last name is Ristrepo. Well, no, for the listener

that might not know her last name. That's hanging on the edge of every word? Your nickname process? But yeah, it's a huge positive influence. I got an email yesterday. Oh, fuck, I gotta get to that. All right, I'm gonna go all over the map. I got an email from a lady who said,

I'm dying. I have six months to live. I'm a mother that's dying. I'm trying desperately to find a DVD of Digging Up Mother so I can watch it with my kids and my family and then i wrote back because i like it when you get those emails i've forwarded you one chad recently where someone that like our podcast does help some fucked up people and uh so i wrote back uh digging up mother is a book if you're talking about the the bit the stand-up bit where my mother commits suicide,

that's available. That's on Beer Hall Push, I think. I believe so, yeah. But if you're talking about the book, that's on Audible if you want to listen to it with your family. if you want to listen to it with your family anyway i forward because javelina is uh you know she as you do now libertine like every time i do something good i like they're like yeah that's great and then when you guys kill you crushed it on the thing we'll get, that's great. And then when you guys kill, you crushed it on a thing. We'll get to that's what we're getting to.

I'm saying it's positive reinforcement where. So I sent that to her going, hey, you know, this lady. And she goes, that was a really dick response. You wrote. Why don't you just send her shit? I guess I phrased it in a way that was dickish but uh just the fact that hey some mother is gonna share a killing your mother story with her family for fun made me feel good but i guess i responded by like yeah buy it off the

website lady no that's not You don't have Google? She doesn't know a book from a DVD, so it must be something really hardcore. I thought you were just talking to a robot or a foreign dude who was going to ask to see your boobs and just a couple more messages.

You have movie? I watch with friends. You have boobs? let me see them i was a very nice guy on a lot of planes because of you people oh you positive non-drinking people who i'll never understand we have dark sides yeah we'll get to that because uh the only uh eventually we're going to get to your traumatic brain injury because the last time you were on the podcast we kind of skimmed over that we did uh where she had the almost within a short amount of time at the same hospital as Bingo. Six months, yeah. Same year?

Same year, but I was in April of 2016, and Bingo was November 2016. So we just missed. Oh, it's like a coma relay race. Bingo couldn't be here tonight because she's in a coma, a sleep coma of keto food. But she doesn't remember shit. Let's just go into that now.

You were in a race, bicycle race in Mexico. Yep, I was in a bike race in Mexico, April 2016. And it's common that there are crashes in bike races, but usually nothing. Is it called a pedal-on? Oh, Peloton. Peloton. Yeah. Peloton.

But pedal-on, I mean, that kind of works. Oh, yeah, I guess that works. That's even better. It is better. I see the t-shirt already. Yeah. better it is better i see the t-shirt already yeah yeah so as we were pedaling on uh basically a woman we're about a mile and a half peloton for those who don't know do you tell it on is yeah if you were in hurricane katrina and where all those fire ants collect together in a big

pond to stay afloat and that's how they live through a flood. They make this giant mound, and then they crawl up on top of each other, and then people spend a lot of time on the outside, especially if you don't have a team. Yeah, it's like that. It's a cluster. Yes, that's bizarrely correct. Shut up. I knew some ant facts here. Pretty good. It's a cluster. Yes, that's bizarrely correct. Shut up. I knew some ant facts here. Pretty good.

That's pretty much... Yeah, we do. We look like a cluster of ants in a bike race. Unless you don't have a team. Yeah, and then you're just this one solo person just dropped from the family. If this is off topic, I just read her book. I'm 30 pages from the end but i read all about when she was trying to do this on her own without a team and they'd all fuck her out

of it like oh no we're on a team we're gonna fucking draft you out of the fucking pack and fuck you what book is that yeah good as gold yep i like this downhope thought that we just thought he knew that stuff off the top of his head not that he just is reading her book no the fucking cluster of ants is not in her book that was original that's right you came up with that

over by the nest he has a whiteboard with like a bunch of stick it notes so he's like keeping track and like connecting all these things like I'm on the joe rogan podcast so you're in the peloton yes we're in the peloton and about a mile away from the finish line and that's it's normal for things to get pretty intense people are jockeying into position getting their sprinters set up for the finish and uh apparently from what i know because

i don't remember it uh this is where my memory blacks out but um there's a woman who tried to uh tried to attack which is trying to leave the peloton to sprint ahead up the road and the protocol is once you start an attack you're supposed to keep going and commit to that move. And apparently she changed her mind and swerved back into the Peloton rather than, yeah, complete it. And when she swerved back into the Peloton, she took a bunch of us out.

And then I was just the one who got to be the lucky recipient of the bottom of the pile. How fast are we talking at this point? Yeah, at that point, because it's for the wind, it's quite fast. We're talking between 25 and 30, which it's full gas, which is quite fast on a bicycle. I can only imagine how. In the military, when we run in formation,

sometimes somebody would wipe out and you would have a big wipeout, but then you're just running in a formation, sometimes somebody would wipe out and you would have a big wipeout, but then you're just running in a formation. And that was, that was brutal. I can only imagine that. Yeah. Yeah. It probably was brutal. I don't remember any of it, but apparently I ended up on the bottom of the pile and I was launched from my bike and went flying through the air. What we didn't know at that point was that I had broken my skull twice, the sphenoid and the temporal lobe on the right-hand side. But what happened was it sent me into seizures.

And the good news about pro bike racing is that there is a doctor in the Peloton's caravan, which is the cars that follow. Like the chase cars. The chase cars, exactly. I thought you were going to say the good thing is that your feet are strapped to the pedals, so even though you had seizures, you still won the race. That would have been awesome. I am going to take you off this story because we're going to get back to that crash, but

you had a crash, I believe, earlier in Northern California with a chase car. Yes. So please tell that story. Oh, the first thing. Because this is in Mexico where they took care of her and shit happened. We'll get back to that. Yeah. But.

So it wasn't even a year before, but close to a year before. And the race in California, let's say that, you know, something like a tire blowing and I thought I was in control of the bike, but then I wasn't and I veered off the road and the way that we see many ridges of the road at the end, if it's not paved, it goes into that really chunky asphalt. Drunk bumps, we call them. Yes, so my right elbow hit the drunk bumps. That's right. That's where this comes in.

I forget about that picture. Oh, yeah. Do we have that photo? Because it's... Well, we're not... This is audio, but we'll put it up. It looked like a small shark basically went in and pretty much destroyed the flesh of my elbow region. Tracy, can you grab my laptop out there?

Yeah. Thanks. This is such a gross picture. Ugh. Yeah, so, but what was interesting is- It looks like a shark bite. Like, just right above the elbow towards the wrist. Just, it's, ugh.

It's pretty- I'm going to show- i'll tweet it too when this podcast comes out i'll tweet the picture because i i want it up now so chaley throws up does he have a queasy ah yeah well for real stuff yeah it's uh it wasn't it definitely wasn't that pretty oh so so yeah this is definitely the difference in the infrastructure of health care in different countries. So we'll get back to the Mexico one where I was well taken care of. But in this particular race, so I'm on the ground. And, of course, you know, kind of dazed from this.

But I'm in that protective mode of like, okay, I realize I'm alive. I'm okay. But my elbow is falling off. And the medic uh, the, the medic car comes up, assesses the situation and says, well, you're going to have to get yourself to the hospital. Like we, we can't, we can't do anything to help you because we have to stay with the race in case something happens. Well, something fucking happens. He's like poor planning. It was terrible. And even in this race, what was interesting is we were only about, I would say, five miles away from the finish.

So it wasn't like they couldn't bear to leave the peloton at this point. I was the thing that happened. So I'm sitting there. But they said, well, unless you're unconscious or something? Yes. Yeah, basically. Like, well, if you were unconscious, you know, then we could help. And I thought about, like, rolling over and making you.

But I was, yeah. God, I wish I had done that. That would have been great. But I didn't. The wind of the stairs. Right. So instead, they're like, yeah, you know, good luck to you. And they take off.

And luckily, this very nice woman who was watching the race happened to be there as a spectator saw this unfold and was like get in the car i'll take you to the hospital she was not familiar with the area so i'm trying to i've got like you know siri in one hand trying to get us to the hospital and you know holding this up and just kind of uh falling apart really but being like oh god i'm in so much pain turn left here you know it was terrible i asked you if you had bled all over the woman's car oh i think in my um you know trying to make the best of the situation i was holding my arm like this so i'm like oh no i didn't bleed in her car i just caught all the blood in my hand you know but uh yeah it was it was ugly and then we get to the hospital pass that down to chaley and then i'll forward it to him oh he just deleted it just send it to me i know i want

no because i can put it up i can put it up on the thing we can all see it oh yay so you obviously weren't in shock right no i i went to that like protective mental place like you actually had a task like no i'm good i'm okay oh shit no i'm not i can see the bone like don't look down don't look down and i that's when i almost lost it when i looked down and i was like oh um so we get to the hospital and then to make matters worse you know we get there and um as they see me coming in they offer me a wheelchair I guess they do that for anybody who's in coming into um emergency but then they try to lift me out of the wheelchair and they grab the wounds which uh new being first time on the job I think it actually was it was um I'll never forget that i don't

remember too much in the immediate aftermath but i do remember being lifted from the wheelchair and um piercing screams uh yeah and so that was a little bit about that there wasn't a whole lot of of help going on if the lady hadn't volunteered to help you, you'd just have to be back going the wrong way with one hand with your bent-ass wheels all projected riding to the hospital. There are some serious flaws. Well, that's why she's trying to promote women's cycling so more people are there spectating in case of an injury. In case of death, yeah. A shark bites you and you need a ride to a hospital that the EMTs don't want to give you.

Bring a roll of Visqueen so people don't bleed all over your interior. Roll it out, put them in the back seat. It sounds like one of those things where like, now we have to have insurance and insurance states we have to have emt but the only time the emt can actually touch you is if you're unconscious which doesn't make any fucking sense right it throws common sense out the window or they should tell you that at the beginning so you know to pretend that you're unconscious you'd be like fuck them oh this yeah it was insane it was insane oh and also i guess on the health care note too i

had a new health insurance at that point which was basically you know coming out of a divorce there's all this health care changeover that had to happen and i was on the equivalent of the welfare welfare health care at that point and because i was admitted to emergency it all worked out in my favor but had I not been on that healthcare? Oh, my God. Yeah, it would have been. Oh, you just, oh, my God, because you looked at the picture. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But it would have been. I just sent that. I thought he was just being very supportive of the healthcare crisis. That's a chunk, man. A big chunk out of an elbow. Did they take your earlobe to fill that in or what did they do? Oh, God, that's such a terrible picture. Your earlobe. They did Did they take your earlobe to fill that in or what did they do? Oh, God. That's such a terrible picture.

They took your earlobe. They did. They took my earlobe. Did someone say smile? I don't know what – I don't know if I'm on meds there or what that picture is. Clearly, I look almost half proud of that. I don't know. I'm not sure.

She's not proud of that. It's a pretty horrible picture. You don't look like a wuss. That's for sure. You don't know. I'm not sure. She's not proud of that. It's a pretty horrible. You don't look like a wuss. That's for sure. You look like you're tanning your toe. We were goofing on you earlier because you never drank, never smoked, never did drugs. But, oh, you have done drugs. Yeah.

Because of your stupid career in cycling. That is true. Yeah. You've been on a lot of drugs. Yeah. I pretty much had to go to rehab for three weeks in a Mexican hospital. So, yeah, it's been a journey. Oh, okay.

This was the Northern California one, right? Yeah. That is Northern California. Yeah. My, yeah. The other half of my elbow is somewhere in Northern California. So, I can't see what's, like, I mean, that's a divot. Yeah.

Look at the scar. Oh, here. That's how that came up. Yeah, yeah. It's better now. I mean, it's amazing that that's the same arm. Internal stitching. Oh, yeah.

The muscle, right? Or the ligament? Oh, the scar. There you go. Yeah. So was there a lot of PT with that? I mean, did you suffer? Not for this one.

Physical therapy. Physical. I read the flap of her book. That one was, no, not too much physical therapy for that. Strangely enough, that injury forced me into rest for a couple of weeks. And then I went to my next race and i actually had one of my best races ever you know with this all taped up and bandaged up but probably because my body was rested and recuperated um so it's weird how and you're pissed off oh i was so pissed off i was so pissed how much does that affect your race a lot mood i would say quite a bit. Absolutely. I've had probably my best performances when I was doubted and told like, oh. But can you fake that? Tom is here. Tom's in the background, but you've been with her for 10 years or something? But around her. He's known of me for 10 years or something? But around her. He's known of me for 10 years.

Yeah, yeah. Is it something that you can fake? And I'm only going to Tom. Well, I'm going to bring this to a... I see where you're going. Where am I going? Tell me. Mental illness sometimes you do.

Oh, all right. No. The theory is when it comes to getting chicks, if you don't care, then they sense that and then they want you more. And that's kind of proven true, but you can't fake it. Like, oh, I'm going to act like I don't care about her. No, that doesn't work. When you really don't care, then they're more attracted to you. That's a common theory.

Get on. That's such a mess up. That is absolutely the exact opposite of how we end up. No, no, no. This has nothing to do with that. Tom, I was just. Just the theory itself. Tom, you have the follow-up question.

Is there a way, because you're a cyclist too, is that true with, all right, if I'm doubted or if I'm angry, can you fake, like I'm asking you, Tom, because you're with her, could you fake pissing her off to help her win a race? Yeah, that's actually probably true. Could you do that? Yeah, and that's actually not a bad tactic. But if she knew you were doing that, would it still work? Yes.

Is it like faking not caring? It would still work. Why aren't you a coach? That's a good question. Wait, I get to answer whether or not it works. No, I'm going to tell you why it works. last night, the Golden State Warriors beat the Houston Rockets. And before that game, Bill Simmons had his classic gambling manifesto.

This is a classic nobody believes in us game that people don't realize that that's what it is. And of course, the Warriors beat the Rockets last night without Durant because he was hurt because they had this excuse to feel doubted or slighted or pissed off or whatever you want to call it. So there's no doubt that, that that psychological motivation and sports matters as much or more than the training, even though. Yeah.

But basketball players are dumb. So are cyclists. Hey, wow. But the truth is, is like in cycling in particular it's there's this huge culture of training and i'm gonna eat i'm gonna weigh my food and i'm gonna train x hours per week and sleep y hours per week it's like this scientifically regimented thing that everyone believes will dial your biology to this perfect performance which is total bullshit because the truth is is that humans are

these complex primordial soups of mess and so you can you can you can you can convince people that a sugar pill cures cancer and you can convince them that they're pissed and they'll perform better than they would otherwise okay yeah that that elbow that you see up there on the screen and the anger probably had a more more of an impact on her performance than any training she ever did libertine is probably true would you fall for that though no no yet well not from it depends on the relationship so no in cycling i think like that pissed me off because i just okay sorry she's pointing to the picture of her elbow i'm pointing to the picture of the elbow and one of the things that pissed me off about that was that as you know there's such a struggle in the sport and i'd finally gotten on this team after being counted

out for so long when i finally land on this team and in my first gotten on this team after being counted out for so long. And I finally land on this team. And in my first race with this team, this happens, you know, like shitty luck, bad luck. I crashed and I have this. And then I was like, well, shit, I'm going to lose my spot on this team unless I can come back from it. So that accident pissed me off to a place where I was able to use it as fuel to get back and had the best race two or three weeks later. But if you're turning this around, if somebody else were to treat me like shit to try to get me pissed off, I don't like that.

It has to come from within me. If another person is a jerk or an asshole to me, then I think that's a- Like a coach couldn't- No. I think that's really old school mentality. Like, think. No, I think that's really old school mentality. Like, you suck! You suck! You know, it's negative reinforcement. I actually disagree with that. I was thinking

of it more along the lines of, you know, knowing what your weakness is. You know, like your opponent is thinking this about you. This is what, you know, this is what the other person, you know, your rival thinks this. He's trying to get in your head that way.

That's what I was trying to think of. I agree. And I think that is where it does come down. You said your mother eats biscuits. Really? She does, though. Oh, goddammit. Wrong strategy.

It's personal, though, to everybody. Some people are going to be motivated by, like, hey, go get them. You got this. That positive reinforcement. I'm one of those weirdos. That works for me when people are like hey, go get them. You got this. That positive reinforcement. I'm one of those weirdos. That works for me when people are like, I believe in you. You got this. That helps me more than somebody being like, you're a piece of shit and your elbow's disgusting.

You know, that's like the first is much better. I think that's how we met at the airport. Oh, when you called me a piece of shit? Yeah, your elbow's disgusting. I'm trying to drink here. Cover that thing up, lady. Put a coaster under it at least. I think we're probably at break time.

So I'm going to go piss out some egg whites. And we'll be back with Catherine Bertine, Tom, Chad Shank, Tracy on the drinks, and God bless Greg Chaley. Please hold cocktails. Postmates. You use them, Chaley. We both use them. You don't know sometimes, but I use them because I don't want to drive when we get back to the hotel. Yeah, but I use what you get from Postmates.

I need mimosa fixings at 10 o'clock in the morning. You can't get a Chaley, so get yourself Postmates. It's like having a Chaley. You need a shovel and duct tape at 4 o'clock in the morning? Postmates. Let me tell you about Postmates. Postmates is your personal food delivery, grocery delivery, whatever kind of delivery service all year round.

I didn't know that they would stop by a grocery store and get you dentine gum if you wanted it. Yeah. Which is great. Personal lubricants. Whatever you want. Whatever's on the shelf. Spare socks. Yeah, whatever. Anything you're craving, Postmates can deliver.

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Anything you need, anytime you need it. Postmate it. Download Postmates and save with code DSP. Chad Shank is with Meatwig doing the police beat in the mean streets of Bisbee. Chad, first of all, how is Meatwig holding up? Meatwig is a solid sidekick. The helmet is ill-fitting, and we're gonna have to do uh some more resizing but other than that it's important in your job working the mean streets of bisbee at this hour with all this crime going on to have a police cat at your side i i feel definitely more safe than when i didn't have a police cat what what's

happening right now uh currently uh doug a burglary was reported at your thrift store your thrift store uh i i get a lot of my favorite birthday gifts for people at your thrift store and I hope I hope for everyone who's having a birthday that they did not steal those stupid pairs of slippers I bought for Libertinia

maybe it was one of those things where like someone was cleaning out their house and then they're looking for their slippers and they go i fucking bet my old lady donated them so they went to the 24-hour donation thing and said it's in unless it's in the store with the price tag still yours right you guys are all uh so uh i think we're making light of Chad Shea. You're also trusting, and you have such pure theories. We all know that what happened is that people know that there is probably going to be an eBay yard sale coming up, and people wanted to get in and get some free suits before they were going to go for hundreds, if not 80s of dollars. I get it.

Of all the places, I've gotten great. Kaylee and I, if you don't know, Birdie. Happy Birdie Birdie. Thank you. If you don't know, we hit thrift stores everywhere. Your thrift store is the only thrift store in Bisbee. And I was there that morning dropping off some stuff and she goes yeah we had someone uh and they were like the

donation boxes they had just pulled apart yeah i just say clothes like baby clothes and shit everywhere so that's that's what happened that's the inside one time on the police beat i know the inside scoop nice to know but somebody is installing security cameras for your thrift store because of that well i hope it's funnier in the future like the ones where the people reach into the donations and get stuck and die and then they have to talk to their families the next day and tell them what they were doing i did look into it because there's a company that puts those uh bins and it's like uh for the uh it's like in seinfeld it's the the people fund it's a it's a bogus thing all the all the shit goes to africa right but it the the reason i got into this jag on on online

was because people were going in there and stealing stuff, and they're like, well, it's a bogus thing anyway. It's like, once it goes in the bin, you're done. That is their property. This police beat is brought to you by Greg Chaley, who is happily drunk and

thought we should definitely do police beat. And I'm with you. I'm with you, Craig Chaley. It's fun to see you drunk. Chad Shank, though, is out in the shit dodging bullets. Or what are you dodging? What are you doing now? Meatwig and I will definitely keep walking around the thrift store.

Meanwhile, a caller asked for an officer to respond because her housemates were, quote, being allowed and talking about how they will murder her. Sounds like a cunt to me. Hey, what did you do wrong, lady, that your housemates want to murder you? Why do you always blame the murderers? If one housemate wants to murder you, then that housemate might be a cunt. But if all of your housemates want to murder you, you might be the cunt.

That's all I'm saying. I'm guessing it has to do with the food in the fridge. I'm gonna... Chad, dirty dishes. I'm gonna have to... Whoever's doing the police beat in the last year or so puts unnecessary thing in quotes. So please put quotes in where there's quotes because the quotes are fucking they're not quotes there.

keep that up while you're wearing a un blue helmet trying to keep the peace and just report the news of what's going on here in this border town this is why we need to build a wall in bisbee it's not just the mexicans it's someone on where there was there was a uh on where? There was a Just say Cochise Row because you know what they didn't specify. That's where Libertine stayed. No, I'm saying lock the door.

Tom is very lurch-like but I don't know if he can fight off tweakers. That works for me. A woman was reportedly, quote, yelling and screaming in the hallways and turning the

doorknobs of the apartments trying to get into them. Unquote. Do you want me to do unquote, too? That seems more pretentious. Only when it... Because as you go on yeah you have to unquote it

unquote when they keep going on that ended though that was it she was yelling and screaming in the hallways and turning the doorknobs of apartments and this is why people are afraid to move from the inner city to Bisbee

because they go oh it's bad enough for us in south central but in bisbee they're turning doorknobs occasionally that's like what hobos do and people have no idea about the shortage of doorknobs with locks in bisbee people just take it for granted that you could just turn a a lock and lock your doorknob not here in Bisbee. People just take it for granted that you could just turn a lock and lock your door knob. Not here in Bisbee. You know that song. It's all closet doors here. Phone core.

You know that little detent ball that just pops in and out. Trailer for sale or rent. That's enough. That is Bisbee rap music. That's inner city music

for Bisbee. We're talking about the word on the street. No phone, no pool, no pets. What? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, bitch. You ain't even got cigarettes. I stole some cigarettes.

An old stogie that I have found? Damn, motherfucker. That's what the streets in Bisbee is like. Chad Shank, what else is going on up in this bitch? Words. Short but not too big around my brother a caller reported that a parent was threatening an umpire quote yelling profanities unquote and making parents quote uncomfortable unquote he requested that the man be asked to leave by By the time an officer responded, he had left.

But because, quote, there are some disagreements regarding the game calls, unquote, the officer decided to stay in the area. I don't like this unquote quote. That was exactly the one I was talking about where I go, all right, this is so many quotes of things. Yeah. Hey, we've always wanted whoever writes the police beat to be on this podcast.

Someone who used to write for it contacted Doug. I know who you're talking about. Used to. Yeah, but he said, like, yes, he listens to the podcast. And it was one of those things where it was fun for him. Yeah, this whole weird quoting thing where it's not even a quote. Different style. It's a different style.

Yeah, but there's some. Tracy is an English major and read a sense of me on the podcast. She's Alright, go ahead. I do want to say that Chad might be killed in the line of duty while I'm going off topic. Chad, what else? I'm hunkered in this alley

Stan, hope it's quiet. A funeral? This is not even written correctly. Funeral asked officer. I think it means a funeral home person. I don't know what they call it. Yeah, we can't.

We're not editing. But it would be a funeral director. Funeral asked officer. Oh, no, no, no. Go down, down, down. See, I know. I remember that. Enriquez, go down and it cuts up. I don't know. I don't know. I know I remember that Enrique's go down and it cuts up

I don't know I know there's something going on I'm here there you go that's a different that's below the crease below the fold is that one that goes with this one how does it go

with not an arrow well we have this one that goes with this one. No, those are two different stories. That shows the way that it's cheeky. Enriquez. Espinosis? Espinosis, that's it. Oh, it starts

at the bottom. I understand what you're saying. Holy shit, drunk people cannot communicate with each other for shit. No, it works out eventually. The owner of Espinoza's funeral asked officer. It's still missing home. It's still missing home.

And it's still missing an officer. It just asked officer. Start from the top. The owner of Espinoza's funeral asked officer to check his business after seeing a car parked where they received bodies. The driver told an officer they were, quote, coming to pick up a body, end quote. Isn't that what happens at a funeral home? Well, the Espinoza's drink. Sometimes they don't know when people are coming to pick up bodies.

It's like a guy's waiting where they deliver. And this story's not over, is it, Chad? Is it? I don't know. No, I think it is. Your wife just kicked me in the bottom. Tracy, is there something else? Well, I tried to undo her bra, so she kicked me in the bottom.

Good luck. I've been trying for 13 years. Alright, so anyway, where is this dead body we get? Am I off topic? Or just making shit up? I have taken a picture of a spot over in Naco

where it has self-storage and mortuary signs within two feet of each other no they share a driveway somebody yeah maybe somebody was just self-storing a body and they needed to come they found the mine shaft my bad i i'm i'm at 2012 not 2014 i'm sorry i don't know why we keep making fun this is a dangerous city and chad needs to tell people why they shouldn't move here what else doug a man said his neighbor had been quote agitated unquote since the previous day and was yelling at another neighbor, that he is going to kill their kid, unquote. No! The responding officer reported

finding two broken windows at, quote, the given address. I love you, Stan. This is not helping me with the request for doing video for this podcast, because I don't even know what the fuck happened.

I was so upset. I have to go to the security cameras to find out what just happened there. It's theater of the mind. Stanhope was providing sound effects for my I can't even remember what you said now. Good god.

Stanhope put out four things on the wall. I don't know what he threw at the wall, but I just saw things fall. One of them is vintage, that thing we've been trying to keep up there, and now he just knocked it down. I fucked that up. I really fucked up. I was gonna

show my anger at how this... You did. Mission accomplished. I threw a shaker at the wall, and I ruined a thing and but you know what what were you mad at passionate about your community sometimes you react with uh anger that you should be more focused at civic duty maybe i should take that passion and run for you know city council or do something maybe start a petition do a a katherine bertine uh foundation but what i did

is i threw a a shaker that makes my perfect oh you. Oh, you're out of egg whites? No, simple syrup. Yeah, I have no more. That is why he actually threw it. We just come to the real It was like a therapy session. We just understood why he threw that. Chad, with kids we call it a temper tantrum.

But with Doug Oh, a temper tantrum? Listen to what Chad has to tell you next and see if you don't throw a temper tantrum. Doug, a woman said a female who, quote, seemed confused, came to her house and rang the doorbell and told her she had a present for her. And this is what...

We're underfunded with police. We need SWAT teams. Someone has a present, but you don't know who they are. And you're giving me shit for throwing fucking shaker glasses at the wall and ruining my own? That was one of my favorite things I've ever had. I just smashed it off the wall.

Why? Because we don't have enough. Go. What else? A man called from St. Elmo's to report that a female, quote, assaulted him in the face and then went across the street to chuckle heads. Now, now, listen, I want to bring in a team of people on this. I have a because when it comes to St. Elmo's, someone assaulting someone in the face and chuckleheads,

I think this is where we have a CNN roundtable where, hey, let's talk about this. I want to bring in my guests, Greg Chaley, Chad Shank, Tom with no last name. Oh, like a crossfire. Catherine, whose name I occasionally confuse with Libertine. Tracy, and hey, how do we feel about... Go ahead, Greg Chaley. Well, when we say assaulted in the face, is that with words? Is that with fists?

Did someone say a bawdy joke in front of someone who was easily offended and they decided to go to Chuckleheads? Where you can go see the best comedy in Bisbee. Okay, that's my time. I'm sorry. Assaulted in the face. Chad Shank, you've assaulted people in the face. You were almost to the good part too, Shane. Chad Shank, you've assaulted people in the face.

Several times. On every level. Chad Shank, you've assaulted people in the face on every level. So how do you feel about this woman that was assaulted in the face and then went to Chuckleheads? A lot of people deserve to be assaulted in the face. I don't have enough backstory to know if this person deserved it. But I know that I like the idea of going to Chuckleheads to relieve your anger. You go there, get some laughs.

Tom has a very serious point. Tom, assaulted in the face, going to chuckle heads after you've been assaulted in the face and then been asked to leave by the police. You've been here a million times. That's why we have Tom on here. Tom.

Old Tom. Old Tom assaulted in the face. Well, he's my uncle too, so it's old Uncle Tom. Old Uncle Tom. I concur with Tom assaulted in the face. Well, he's my uncle, too, so it's Old Uncle Tom. Oh, Old Uncle Tom. I concur with my friend to my right. That's it. Uncle Tom, you're just going to nickname me four-bucket liberty?

You're going to solid name me? Oh, my God. You're Uncle Tom. It works for me. It works for me. That's not fair. He's been here half an hour. Let him talk.

I'm sorry. I'm a moderator. Let him talk. That works for me. Oh, my God. He's got a nickname and two best friends. Works for me. It's better than what I came in here with.

What? He's up. He's up. He's up. Take it back. Uncle Tom and I just almost destroyed. Give him the last shot of that. Sure, why not? Jesus Christ.

Is that the new bottle? We killed McKellen 12. Yes. Right on. In respect for Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman. That was not a sound effect by Greg Chaley. That was the actual sound. That is so great.

Tom, have you ever assaulted Uncle Tom? Have you ever been assaulted in the face or assaulted anyone in the face? Or gone to Chuckleheads? No. Walked by, not gone. So you're kind of a, oh, I didn't see nothing happen. You're one of those people. One of those Uncle Toms.

And that's why the police beat is so important. Because people do speak up. People do call into the Busy B Police Department. They're not like you. They don't say, oh, I didn't see nothing. It's none of my business. You're one of these people that's part of the problem, don't you think? No.

No. You'll always say no. I didn't see nothing. I'm not part of the problem. No, I don't recall. Hey. Oh, ask my girlfriend, you always say. All right, girlfriend. I don't know.

I have a little problem with the way that this makes chucklehead sound like an accomplice oh right so that and i don't think chuckleheads deserves that hey chuckleheads was just on the receiving end of the assaulter they wouldn't condone it uh i i will say that and i don't know if i'm allowed to say this when ecuador shit can julia julian assange chuckleheads and matt becker said oh you can come to chuckleheads as oh for asylum he could Not there. And then because of the current council waffling and dangling their fucking toes in the pool. No. Now, all of a sudden, he's in a fucking prison in London because of the city council. And that's why we're all running for city council next year.

What? Go. Sorry? Go. Sorry. No. Hold on. You're pointing to someone. I said one more. Him.

He's going to wrap it up. Back to Chad. Back to Chad? No, no. Do the police beat. We're still doing police beat. Oh. What?

I wasn't done. All right. Oh, then continue. God damn it. Go back to it. done. All right. Then continue. God damn it. Go back to it. Sound like you said enough words. Sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't have leaked this.

I shouldn't have Wiki leaked this whole Julian Assange is moving to Bisbee to do open mic at Chuckleheads. That's what that was? That's way off. On Tuesdays at 730. Sign up. We changed this. It's Sunday Tuesdays at 7.30. Sign up. It's changed to Sunday. Oh, Sunday.

Yeah, hey, Tucson. Sunday, Sunday. Turns out Julian Assange isn't available on Tuesdays, so they need to change it to Sundays. He's hosting. Very accommodating there. And finally, a caller said his neighbor's puppy was crying again and had woken him up in the middle of the night he said he was quote not going to let this ruin his sleep unquote and

wanted to press charges and that's what we need to do as a society. In the current climate, we need to reach out to our police department, our first responders, our heroes. And when you don't want a puppy keeping you up at night, reach out to 911. There's a reason 911 and 911 have a common barrier. That's kismet. There's a reason that happens. It's Jesus Christ is putting 911 and 911 together because if a puppy is going to keep you up all night, you need to press

charges. You need to keep order. We need to keep this system strong. I need another drink. Good night. Thank you, Greg Chaley. Thank you, Chad Shay. Thank you, Greg Chaley. Thank you, Chad Shay.

Thank you, Tom of no last name. Cath-you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's not even a name. That's the best nickname yet. Thank you.

Cath-you. That's it. Cath-you. No. I resist. I'm the tube of your urethra. Cath-you. Oh, God.

Thanks, Cath-you. I am never coming back here. Yeah, she kind of creeps me out. I ruin her name. This wasn't the end. At Catherine, K-A-T-H-R-Y-N, Bertine, B-E-R-T-I-N-E. Better at spelling it than he is at saying it. He is.

This wasn't the end of the podcast. This is just the police beat. We're going back to the podcast right now. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. We got more podcasts? No. Hey, if we can do it, we'll sound more sober because this is a fake segue.

So why do we lie to people? Fake segue into here we were when we started once again. Click. Once again, click. Did you say click? No, I just hung up. Let's go. Let's go.

We're rolling. Wrap it up. Ready, coach? During the break, During the break, Chad Shank started talking about hogging in his youth in the Army. Because you talked about how the analogy you made was the confidence. If you have confidence, you can hook up with the chick easier than if you don't. But you can't fake that confidence. And the evidence I had to that was when I was in the Army, we had a thing where we called

it going hogging. And you get a group, I don't know, eight or nine guys. Most people are familiar in the listenership. They're like, oh yeah, we went hogging. But Catherine is probably not familiar with this. I don't, can you tell me what Hagen is? He's about to. Well, you probably had some friends in high school you hung out with.

There goes Chad. You would each throw 20 bucks into the pot, and whoever brought home the fattest girl at the end of the night won the pot. at the end of the night, won the pot. I want to sidebar right here. Because of the current climate, what you say is ugliest. Because to this day, ugly is still something you can call people. Because it's relative and objective. Body shaming is a no-no. But wouldn't we have called it uglian?

Ugly is a dog party. Why do you think tracy just said dog party that's a thing i guess i don't know i the point being is that you went out with a different confidence than you did the rest of the nights because the most unattractive woman you lowered your standards to a point that it was going to be easy and then you'd go with confidence and then i always would lose because i would end up hooking up with somebody way higher than my class because of my confidence and then people you lost i'm like fuck you you lost That's 20 bucks! It's worth the 20! This chick is hot! And so, that was my evidence to prove that your confidence theory is true. And you were going to follow up with something that you probably...

I am still working on how to follow up with that. I'm proud of it. It was just something we did. Wouldn't it be great if the gals did that? A rich party. We do. Exactly. You just don't know it. They call it settling.

That's probably correct. Let's go out and let's see girls do it all the time. I know you're being snarky but if girls did that and went hey let's go try to fuck the loneliest homeliest guy and whoever gets the homeliest guy gets the pot and then one less school workplace shooting mass murder shooting happens it's a brilliant tactic yeah it's uh yeah according to us homely guys this is a brilliant tactic and really in the meantime we're stocking bullets it's no out ofocket because you just borrow the money from your boyfriend to get into this. Tom, that's not about you.

That's the collective. Collective boyfriend. I have a hard time disagreeing with any of this. Whoa. Chick high five. That's Joey Scazzola when I was a kid comic. He had a... Chicks don't know how to high five. And they only do it

if it's following a sentence like, I dumped him and I kept the ring. High five. And then they miss. Miss their hands. That is so not true. We're really good at high fiving. Well, it turns out he's gay and very mentally ill. Coming in with anger.

I wish you could have said that. Hot high five. Very lady sports. Anyone else up for this? Who else wants it? If they weren't on opposite sides of the bar, they both would have followed that high five all the way around and slapped each other on the ass.

That was that quality of a high five. They had to tantamount to a table in front of them to keep them back. Neither of them have much of an ass, but let's get to Mexico. Back to Mexico. We started with Mexico. I know, I know. I was saying. Neither of who be direct

I was on the road and one of the maybe three or four podcasts of my own that I've ever stomached to listen to was the diarrhea one and Meatwig was crying like that on the podcast and i kept

looking around the extended stay in where i stay and going there's a cat in here and i kept falling for it all right so mexico after you the shark bite a year before in Northern California. This is where the Peloton. Right. I have one question. Do you remember the name of the woman who swerved in front of you and caused all this problem? Is she like an outcast in cycling now? I don't know who the woman was. And this was a race that was quite multicultural.

It was in Mexico. We had a lot of South American, Central American, and North American racers and some Europeans as well. So, no, I don't know who it was. You've never put a hit out on her? That brown bitch, she calls her. My question is about the race itself. We talked about the Peloton being the pack.

Yes. Similar to Fire Ants. She was like a mahogany. It's a chick. They don't see race, but they see how you're going to paint the hallway. Oh, my God. How many entrants in this race? Three.

They're all women. Oh, stop that. There are probably 75. Let's see. Somewhere in the 70s. Okay. Okay. I need that idea.

Yeah. The fire ant sounds like millions. It does. It does. Yeah. Races for women can go anywhere from, let's say, 50 to 100 to 200. But at that particular race, we're probably in the 70, roughly. And so that peloton is doing its thing.

And usually the way it's supposed to work is the slower athletes drift to the back and the faster athletes are up front. You know, just physics, right? So that's how that works. And then wolves eat the ones that are in the back, and the faster athletes are up front. You know, just physics, right? So that's how that works. And then wolves eat the ones that are in the back. Pretty much. Pretty much. In Mexico, that's why we're building a wall. They try to, like, separate them from the peloton first, though.

It's not – they just don't snatch them. You know, what's interesting, I was actually racing. I was guest riding with a Mexican team for that race. Even though I was on a professional team based in the States, sometimes we do this thing called guest riding, which means if your team is not going to a race, but another team wants to bring you to that race to race for them. Ride the bench. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah.

If someone gets knocked out, oh, we'll bring you bench. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. So if someone gets knocked out, oh, we'll bring you in. Right. We'll bring you in. So I was, which actually plays an important part in this story, right? So even though I... That's why I said it.

Thank you. I forget these things sometimes because I fell on my head. But yes, so we're... Don't bury the lead. Oh, okay. Cut that. He falls on your head in a minute. Spoiler alert. Yes. Don't bury the lead. Okay. Cut that.

Spoiler alert. We've already said it five times. I know. I said it was a joke. So, yeah. So we're in the Peloton. I'm guest riding for a Mexican team. The crash happens about a mile and a quarter from the finish line.

And this is all told to me, right? Because I don't clearly remember anything at this point. But yeah, I end up on the bottom of the pile. And the crash breaks two bones in my skull and sends me into a seizure right there. And the medic or the doctor that's in the caravan obviously pulls over and watches what's going on and says, he's timing my seizures because there are plenty of times where you can have a seizure and your body will naturally pull out of it, which people who have epilepsy are prone to. Or he was waiting to see if you were going to have a baby.

I was going to say, it sounds like contractions. It was. It was like, yeah, brain contractions basically. And I was neither. She's it sounds like contractions. It was. It was like, yeah, brain contractions, basically. And I was neither. She's about to have a thought. Is it a boy or a girl? Oh, it's pointless. There's no end.

When he figured out I was having neither a baby nor a thought at that point, he was timing these and said pretty much uh i guess he said she's leaving us um and you know the oxygen was cutting off my supply so he ran back to the car and he grabbed a syringe of something close to ativan whatever you know who knows whatever brand name it was and he um injected that into me i'm not exactly sure where, but as quick as it could get to my brain. Was it the kid from The Mask? Rocky? Rocky, but what's his name?

In Pulp Fiction, where they stabbed you through the chest bone? It was. It was like that. But I don't... I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually into my chest. It doesn't work like that.

Right. I like the drama of that possibility, but I think it was probably a little bit more tame. I like the idea that- Eric, Eric. God damn it. Sorry. Eric Stoltz. Eric Stoltz.

Stoltz, you're welcome. I like the idea that now I'm picturing Rocky Dennis trying to give you Ativan in the middle of a big bicycle crash. Speaking Spanish. Oh my God. This is so great. She's leaving us. Andele! Andele! You have made this

memory so much better. So they break through your breastplate. With a hatchet. With a hatchet and apparently it stabilizes my seizures enough for the ambulance to get there and get me to the hospital

on time. And I woke up, um, three days later from this, or at least that's what I have the memory of. Apparently I drifted in and out of consciousness, uh, during that time. But I, I remember waking up and looking, uh, at the end of the bed, there were doctors and I also recognize them. And kids selling chiclets. Fireworks. Zing. We're maritos! That's exactly what it was like.

Just with a few neurosurgeons sprinkled into the mix. And I knew something had happened, but even then, um, my, actually my memory went to, oh, did I break my arm? Did something happen to my arm? Probably triggered from the last time I was in a hospital with that giant elbow crater. Um, and I have a few recollections from the Mexican hospital. I was there for five days because uh you can't really be airlifted out when you have brain trauma because they don't know if your head's gonna explode or when you're in mexico and we're in mexico but it yeah it was pretty interesting too that while i was in the hospital they were waiting to see if the swelling was going to go down or whether they

would have to drill but apparently this is the benefit if you break your skull twice, is that it allows your brain to expand. So that was the high point of this. Lucky you. Lucky me. That's why they have vents on your helmet. That is not why they have vents on the helmet. So you were wearing a helmet though, right?

Oh, yeah. People ask that all the time. Yeah, you have to wear a helmet when you're racing. And you suffered this injury- With a helmet. It didn't fall off? No, and you know what's really interesting, which makes me wonder if this helmet was in some way faulty, but a helmet is actually supposed to break when you impact.

It's supposed to shatter. Taking the energy. Yeah, the energy. And eventually my bike and my helmet were mailed back to me months later. Clearing customs took forever but when it got back i remember thinking i'd reach into this bag and pull out a shattered helmet and a destroyed bike and the helmet had the tiniest scrape on it so um that's you know it's really a mystery that that probably had something to do with it that the helmet didn't. No, you just didn't hit that hard. And that's why they call you

Glass Skull Bertine. Woo! That could be it. Barely touched her, but her whole head shattered. Maybe they sent you a new helmet. Right, like that. This one's broken. Give her the new one. That's what I was thinking.

They don't care. I send her a broken helmet. It was terrible. Yeah. And the bike was fine, too. The bike had a paint scratch. But I was skinned on this one side of me and my head broke. Everything happened on the right side. On the right side.

You hit on that side. On the right side, yeah. It was three days before you remember. But you were in, just like bingo, brain rehab. At that point, yeah. That was like full-on icu um i have very i want to set this up right now because uh you you went through brain rehab i i don't want to forget you have audio of when you went through what we went through with bingo where they're asking you the the the bit that i do or did about bingo was where they're saying okay if you had six apples that was later when she was even more cogent this is the early stuff do you know where you are

no she never knows where she is that's bingo you're asking all the wrong questions but they were asking you these similar like just basic baby step questions and they ask you raise your hand when i say a seven three two a and and a, and you would, or would not, it's only audio, but then they get to, let's just play it now. But I want you to say them in backwards order. So if I said one, two, you would say two, one. Okay. Got it. Okay. Yep. Yep. All right. Seven, four, two. Two, seven, four. All right. Now I'm going to give you a list of letters. Every time I hear, you hear the letter A, I want you to raise your hand. Every time you hear any other letters,

no raising. So what letter are we raising your hand on? A. A, P. All right. Really good, baby. Now I'm going to give you a minute. In that minute, I want you to name as many words as you can think of that start with the letter F. Oh, okay, sure. Any words you can think of that start with the letter F. Oh, okay, sure. Any words you can think of. You ready?

Fucking, fucktard, fucking fuck this, fuck that. I ain't fucking with you. This is fine. Everything might hurt other than a fucking shoulder. Fucking hate, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm just going to sit here. Let me know when you want me to shut up. It's fucking things fucking hurt.

Because there are other words that begin with an F. Are there any other words that you can think of that begin with an F? Fucked hard. Okay. But anything else? What? Any other words that begin with an F besides those? Flaming. Fucked hard. Okay. But anything else? What? Any other words that begin with an F besides those?

Flaming. Good. Flaming. They don't have their... They don't think about things. What other words with an F? Fact check. Okay. All right. fact check okay good all right we're all finished i'm gonna let you relax appreciate okay but that didn't happen in mexico all right yeah no that didn't happen in Mexico. All right. Yeah, no, that didn't happen in Mexico. Right.

I just didn't want to forget to get that goddamn clip in here. Okay, okay, okay. So you got transferred back to where Bingo was six months later at UMC. I did. I did get transferred back. But what's interesting about that part of the journey is that normally you would think that if I have to get medevaced from point A to point B, that your team that you race for is going to help in that journey. And just to show one more aspect where the sport's pretty messed up, especially on the women's side, is my team said, well, we're not flying her back. She didn't race for us that day.

And there I was, not knowing any of this is happening because clearly I'm a vegetable at that time. But the guy that I was dating was like, no, that's not right. It is hard to get vegetables back into the United States from Mexico, to be fair. And to be fair. Eight hours at the border, I was there. And to be fair, one of the reasons your foundation, home stretch foundation, is trying to fight against the inequity of male versus female sports is because they should have had the money to fly you back.

Yeah. Hey, well, you didn't race for us that day. Hey, we're living hand to mouth here. You have to say fuck yeah like you have to say fuck off because you don't have the money yeah it's uh it's not like they were hoarding money it wasn't like a giant corporation i just cut them loose then no we we can either eat energy bars or fly you back to brain rehab no we, this particular team, this team eventually did pony up the money because they had a big corporate sponsor.

This is when I was racing on a world tour level team. So it was the highest that you can get in that level. But even then, still, there was that hurdle where they were like, nah, we're not going to. That was Brad. Let's be honest. Brad's a dick. Who's Brad?

We're just trying to drop a name of someone we can blame. Brad is such a dick. That sucked. It was awful. He always had it in for you. He totally did. It was very good. You didn't rat someone out.

No. Yeah. This team. Right. Monster energy drinks. It wasn't them, but fuck them correct exactly gross yeah but i think under that pressure of saying you know the guy was dating was like well we'll go public with this we'll make this a thing then eventually they're like oh well maybe we should get her back

so oh yeah caved brad has no spine either. The back down. So I got back. That'll be in the book. Do you want? Oh, yeah. You don't know the title yet. I do want to say it's homestretchfoundation.org, which is what you're promoting right now. Yeah, that's our foundation. And the long story short is that we are doing everything we can to help change those rules in pro cycling so that things like this what i just explained never have

to happen and so women are paid equally and they're also sponsoring my new unnamed project where i will be staying at the home stretch while they're closed down over the summer to work on my project while she's working on her project in upstate new York. And yes, sometimes you talk to someone for 15 minutes in an airport and all of a sudden, great things happen. And I'm a more positive goddamn person.

I don't like it. It's hurting our numbers, to be honest. I wish I got a double down on being negative. Well, I'm a lot more negative now after hanging out with you guys. So I guess, you know, fair balance. I was giving her shit from maybe the minute I met you or talked to you for more than a minute about.

Yeah, I want to hear you when you're fucking angry and like you're always positive. Chad Shank, when you first met her, I was sorry, but I was leading you into telling some of your darkest stories. Oh, I knew that. It was good timing. But she was still like, whoa, that sounds like, yeah, he stoved his head in at a fucking Walmart. And I didn't know if he died or not and she's like wow where does he you didn't even hurt your hand i thought you were just doing it to watch her reaction but it was funny either way but yes to see if she could ever go wow that's really fucked up and then she played that tape for me that we just played fuck fuck fuck oh oh

it's deep it's latent in you you've got a dark it is it's in there you guys have only known me a month so you know well that'll be the uh that'll be the drunk podcast where that one all right i'll get drunk i'm in a safe spot i got a place to sleep i'll get drunk. I'm in a safe spot. I got a place to sleep. I'll get drunk with you guys. Then we'll hear the fuck, fuck, fuck you. Well, I had the privilege of listening to her testify in court. Let's say

it's a tape from somewhere. And we're... I'm getting nervous. I'm throwing nervous. I'm throwing cover on this. But she had to testify in court about

on someone's behalf who had been in a situation and like she went fucking full javelina where they're like, well, tell us names. You're like cross examined and across the douchebag lawyer for the defendant.

Well, why don't you just tell us the names of the people? And she's like, no, I will not do that. She was like she was she was just short of you can't handle the truth she was like i will not do that well did you not tell someone yeah i said that but i will always defend the people that are in harm's way and it was i was fucking going i was fist pumping going you fucking rock so yeah i've i've heard her be fucking angry with fuck fuck fuck the latent brain traumatic brain injury shit and i've heard her like go to town for people she defends and otherwise it's just this stupid goofy cartoony nose lady oh wait we didn't bring that up on the podcast.

Apparently, I have a cartoony nose. You don't. I just... I don't mind. I'm not sure what that means. I don't either, but it was news to me. It does kind of go this way. I broke it at one point, so it does a little thing.

But thank you for believing in my anger and my utter inner disturbance, because it is in there. It is in there. I just let it out on rare occasions. You're very strong. And then afterwards you get cartoony.

When I said whatever the situation was when I said nose, I meant your whole being. You're kind of cartoony. It's not just your nose. You're a goofy all over. Your face is a cartoon nose I've never felt so loved It's your old goofy

Here's some flowers Keep eating That's great I'll take it as a compliment For now We are We gotta announce this. The...

What's it called? Oh, the recumbent? The behemoth. Oh, that's so fantastic. So for all the cyclists out there, this is a recumbent bicycle which has... It's basically a three-wheeled trike looking, but it's stealth and it's arrow.

Alright, I gotta back up because- Okay. We talked about it on 309 and- If you haven't heard the other podcast, because we're going to read the book. Well, the one I read, As Good as Gold. Catherine with a R-Y-N. Bertine, B-E-R-T-I-Y-N. Bertine. B-E-R-T-I-N-E.

Read that book. Anyway, she becomes a professional cyclist. Anyway, bingo. Got a fucking recumbent bike that is like way too much money. I love that you interrupted her explanation of this bike for this. I'm going back to the fact that if you haven't listened to those podcasts, Bingo hadn't.

She used it once, and then we met, and Bingo donated it to her foundation because she doesn't use it so and it's the top of the line now she's gonna go back to describing it it is it is a top of the line carbon fiber disc brake shram shifting if you are a cyclist you know that that's pretty awesome stuff shram shifting who doesn't know that we're gonna do that to you once Tom passes out from that McAllen 12. Tram shifting in all three holes. Oh, shit. All three bleeding.

Wow, thanks. I'm sure a lot of people want this bike now. That's great. All the people who have no idea what the Doug Stanhope podcast is, but are just fans of cycling who fast-forwarded to this part of the podcast to listen. Oh, fuck, yeah. Here we go. Bet you go back and listen from the beginning now for some context.

We decided to be best friends and then I read her book and then I text her, I go, I'm glad we're we decided to be best friends because I'm reading about your scars around your breasts from sports bras that shaved during races.

And then now your vagina bleeding from going from one type of cycling to the other and the vagina bleeding into the chamois that covers your fucking kit and then black toes falling off i know we heard that from yeah runners your toenails turn black and fall off during triathlons and i go i'm only like three chapters in is there any of your body left at the end of body left left elbow is cool most of those things grew back it's actually the right right is cool no left one's gross no left one's pristine stanhope keeps talking about how you guys are best friends of course everybody knows you guys are best friends that listen to these three

podcasts but stanhope's talking about reading your book but have you read stanhope's book Of course, everybody knows you guys are best friends that listen to these three podcasts. But Stanilov's talking about reading your book. But have you read Stanilov's book? Yeah, I am in the middle of Digging Up Mother, which is great. It's pretty fucking awesome. Like, seriously, fantastic writing. The other one's not so great. Excuse me.

You're interrupting. It is a good book. It's great. It's great. And the second one, you can't say anything bad about your book i'm your bestie zip it yeah i asked her i didn't ask you thank you it has to come out publicly what what valentina said because i will never let it go wait valentina havelina havelina restrap on okay got havelina restrap on okay but at some, it was a late night drunken conversation.

She goes, come on, face it. Your second book is a podcast. I know. I disagree. I think that's one of those. I think that she's doing the same thing we talked about earlier.

She's poking you. She's trying to make you do better on your next project than you did on your last one even though your last one was perfectly fine she's a coach she's coach at that she knows that you're dumb enough that that will work on you and uh she's employing it you you didn't even you talked about it earlier on the podcast and you didn't realize until just now that that's what's happening to you that's totally what i meant well both uh bertine and i are both working on projects i haven't announced mine yet uh this uh uh summer and uh i asked her after i had talked to her i told her that and i go do you have like someone

that you go to and say hey uh can you read this does this sound like like bullshitty or is this grandiose or self-serving do you have a like a a go-to friend like that that you trust and then i go because i know i do now mrs javelina it's sounds like a podcast now i know i have someone will shoot me down when i need to be i disagree with that a hundred percent that's no i i i i like that it's no no no i know i get what you're saying but i mean i don't think that it's selling a podcast it sounded like bits that you didn't do which is why i didn't want to do the audio thing because i thought everybody was going to hate me because all of it was in your voice specifically i think we did actually work around that where i go all right this is yes actually yes that's why we didn't do chapter for chapter.

Like, you do this one, you do this one. You handpicked a lot of those for me because I brought that up before. I was like, if I ruin your perfectly good joke because I don't have your cadence or your voice and that's what this is written in, people are going to fucking hate me for just trying to fucking. Kill the messenger. Yeah, I didn't do it. But, you know know so Sandholm did because it's not a podcast there's no commercials so yeah it was not a good

technical point that's right I think it fits well with the theme that you have for this is not thing yeah I'll just shut up now and yeah no I'm excited for you to talk about your future project I think that's going to be really interesting.

Yeah, at some point. But you. Yeah. You're working on a new book. I am. I'm working on a new book. Do you have a title or not? I have a couple working titles.

But I'm not ready to commit to a title yet. But I can at least say that it's about the journey of what it means when we stand up and fight for change fight for equality oh this is the equality one that all the publishers were like exactly not the climate for this yeah and they're still only it's the only climate there is so fucking either that guy i never say his name is the only subject or equality me too yeah fucking times up the response this is the only two climates i know i know i think corporate publishing likes to zero in on on some money on money exactly and if there's not already a book out there like what i'm working on in in the good old days people used to like that originality.

They'd be like, oh, here's a new story. We haven't heard this story before. But now they're like, well, does it have vampires or zombies? Is there a talking dog? No, we don't want it. And as I was reading her book, when I said, all right, your tits are scarred. You have calluses on your vagina and it's bleeding.

Your toenails are falling off. This is a zombie book. That is true. Well, don't fucking, don't push our hand. Because right there, that microphone, we've actually taped a special. It was a throwaway special, but it was a tester of material that got cut out of other things and we could start our own fucking self-publishing fuck them oh that would be great fuck them self-publishing i like that that that actually that would give it good

that's kind of what bingo did with her book i mean that was produced that was done here at it at another and the audible and the producer do the the Audible, which you should do the Audible of yours. I would love to do the Audible. It sounds to me like Audible has an idea of what matters, which is great. They just want content. That's why I'm so surprised they haven't contacted you because you have a depth of content. I mean, you have multiple books that they could just put out there. For my listeners, I have multiple books that and you're funny that's i have to for my listeners

i have to put that in that you're not just here because you're a feminist and i don't give a fuck about cycling and i can't imagine why anyone would watch women's cycling like sports itself is fucking dumb like i hate myself for watching popular sports much less yours so you're he's going deep on this there's a compliment buried in here but you have to find it bringing callous vagina some more just wait just wait but you know me i i I just, I won't bring it up because I don't want people to look for it. Because there's nothing left. But no,

I told you, when I read your book, I saw a theory, like not a theory, like there was a, boom, and there's a joke at the end of every paragraph

kind of thing where it's funny and it's interesting and i about shit i don't care about well that's what i did care about we need you're a great writer and you make something i don't give a fuck about interesting thank you i so appreciate you engage stanhope that's fucking amazing that i hope hope that's worth a book deal right there. I talked to him about things that directly affect him, and in 30 seconds, he's already asleep.

You talked to him about biking, and he stayed awake? Jesus Christ. I'm on the road trying to get my new special. Perfect. And I'm reading her book. Fuck it. Aw, that's great. Stan Hope and I never talk. You've made me want to write a book

just so Stanhope will read it and know what I have to say too. You guys. This is so nice. Well, seriously, it gives me the happy feels. So thanks for that. Well, it's also your birthday.

Oh, yes. Can we stop being nice now? So much forever, Green. No, it's also your birthday, so... Oh, yes. Can we stop being nice now? So much for Evergreen. No, Doug's paid us to be nice. I was... Shit, should we wait for Bingo to bring out her cake? What? Because I...

Not much of a surprise. Hey, hey, uh... On your cake. I can't remember her name. What's her name? Oh, Bertie. Bertie. Cut that out of what he just said.

Libertine. Libertine. No, no. She knows she's getting a cake. She suggested it. Oh, wow. Give me cake. No, wait, what?

But where are you going? Where is this? I was going to say that Bingo had to get the cake because I was on the road. So Bingo got the last cake. You don't get a lot of choices in Bisbee for a birthday cake. And I go, you're going to get ice cream cake because if you're going to get cake, you're going to get ice cream cake. Sorry if I spoiled that surprise. Shit. 44.

This is amazing. And so I was, she also suggested. Oh, yeah, right. It was in context of something. I hope you write something in a Doug Stanhope frame of mind kind of thing. High maintenance. It came up slightly more natural than that. It's the opposite.

I was just responding to the way Stanhope was portraying it. I already knew that it was different than that. No, it's the opposite of high maintenance. Tell me exactly what you want. Okay, can you put a pinky in my ass and two fingers and just lick at this point i'm i'm using a sexual analogy where if someone told you exactly what they wanted sexually well you told me exactly what you wanted for your birthday i did oh a cake would be great and if you could write something

in your own voice yeah it was what do you want for your birthday? I like cake. Put something Stan Hopian on it. You know? No, you said there's only one thing I want. And I said blue cheese. Oh, that's right. Which I hate.

Yes. She goes, no, I like cake. But that's a little bit different than me being like, buy me cake. You know, that was. No, I. Okay. Just so we're clear. Now, God damn it. I forgot my great point that was i was being the thing that you brought up was i was not being high maintenance it's like what do

you want cake does that yeah no but it was before that rewind the tape all right i had i i had a point that now i've completely lost thank you guy who sent me a shirt. I'm not even going to fucking... Are we doing thank yous? Yeah, we're going to close on thank yous. I got a couple as well. Go, you start. Oh, no. I've got the ones that you have in front of you, just in case you don't know their names. The sign? Someone...

You know what? Jim and JT. Oh, no, that's JT Abberset. I said the sign. That sign. The sign. Jim and JT. Oh, no, that's JT Aversett. I said the sign. That sign. The sign. The Hennigan sign. Oh, yeah. Someone... Alright, thank you. Stop sending the magnetic signs. This has gone

off the... It's a great sign, but it's an inside joke. The whole idea was signs that would fuck with people passing you. This is Hennigan's bulk peat moss, filthy, uncut Scottish Hennigan's. That's an inside joke that's only funny to the podcast. That's good enough.

I mean, it made us laugh. And yeah, we'll throw it on Hennigan's car. Mid the fridge. Kevin Doyle is the one who sent that. This is a shit. What did he send? Kevin? Oh, that's Kevin Doyle.

All right, good. Someone sent. Who had the TBI? I was wondering that myself. Do the hot sauce. I wanted to ask you. Sorry, we're going back into the podcast. We missed a couple TBI things we were going to say. Well, I wanted to ask, because of the anger that was coming out of you at that point,

were there other things that personality differences that you've noticed since or other people have noticed for you because you don't remember? Yeah, it's a great question. I think for a while, you know, during the accident, I was then on medications for, so that I wouldn't have seizures, et cetera. And during that point, people would just say, wow, she's really flat. Like she doesn't show any emotion. And, but that was because of the medication.

So, you know, now doctors have, have given me the all clear to say that, you know, I'm just as weird as I ever was, which the medication. So now doctors have given me the all-clear to say that I'm just as weird as I ever was, which is good. And the only thing that I notice now for myself is there's a little bit more fatigue involved on days where I actually think and engage my brain. When's that going to happen? Yeah, there's physical fatigue it almost feels like if i sit free okay i'm writing a book right if i put in a solid writing day and i'm at the computer for five hours thinking in a very very engaged way um then that night i feel like

i've run a marathon so there there's a little bit but i mean if you think about the big picture that i'm pretty lucky is that something that's documented? The doctor says, oh, that's normal. Oh, yeah. They say that that's normal. I remember early on in my life reading where mental thinking is more physically debilitating than manual labor. I remember using that as an excuse. Yeah, excuse.

But I think that's – but you wrote two books before. Yeah, three books before The Impact and one book now post-Impact. It's been three years since The Crash. You didn't notice that before? No, I didn't notice that before. And that's why I, I notice it now. And sometimes I'll tell people that, yeah, there is a bit of a difference and they'll say some, you know, cutesy thing like, Oh, that's just because you're getting older. You know, I'm like, Nope, that's not it. That this, it's a different thing. That is not true. Cause I, i'm a obvious drunk and i assume it's all because i'm a drunk but other people that i know that are my age that i've grown up with they're like yeah i don't remember

a fucking thing we're the same age right yeah tom i don't know if you get this where you go yeah he says that all the time like oh i'm old no'm old. I'm not. No, but I'm saying I get that. I do understand that I'm older now than I was. And I definitely have those moments. No, you're gross old. Thank you. You're like 44. I'm 44 today.

I know. It's gross. But no, it's different too. Okay, here's an example. So I'm working on the book and I'm writing. And sometimes my brain thinks of one word and my fingers will type something else. And I've started a small notebook like that. It is, it's pretty cool. And I don't know this until I look up at the screen and then there's the red squiggly line. So, for example, I tried to, or in my head I was typing the word epilogue and my fingers wrote spillage and that's not a real word but if you

think about it an epilogue kind of spills over from the end of a book into you know thought right spillage is actually a better word than epilogue right no you're not fucking shitty that's deep i like that there's something going on where the brain is like, I get what it's trying to do, but it does its own thing. So I've kept this one. Oh. What does bazoon mean? It's a callback. Exactly.

Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. So things like that. And then some people just, I know, I think. If you want us to cut your name onto this podcast, you can remain Amon. Oh, shit. I did that the other day, right?

That's an inside joke I'll explain later. I bet he forgets. It's just an inside joke that nobody ever gets. After her TBI, when she was testifying in court and I heard that transcript, she

crushed it. The only two things, because I'm'm a prick I have to point out the two things that she did wrong twice she said anonymous instead of anonymous I was trying to say anonymous they need to remain anonymous anonymous which embarrassing. And that'll be why you develop depression. Thank you. Good job, Stan Hope. That was okay. I think that's funny. I'm totally embarrassed by that. But I'm embarrassed because I didn't catch it.

I'm embarrassed I wrote a podcast for a book. Yay. You already had depression. I would always want to know if I said something weird like that and didn't catch it. Oh, hang out here because everyone will point things out. Awesome. The slightest flaw or perceived flaw is highlighted. That's good.

I've got tons of flaws, so I look forward to lots of pointing, lots of exploring. While he's pissing, have you started writing your book? I have. Talk about content. I've got enough. It's, at this point, 250 pages single-spaced. So I've still got another quarter of it, about three-quarters through right now. So it's coming along, working on it this summer when the homestretch closes for the summer.

So I'll be able to actually focus on that and giving myself that deadline. All right. Homestretch. Yeah, take that outside for me. Homestretch. Hang on. I got a. Homestretch Foundation.

Is that where we're going? Yeah, yeah. And then we have to do thank yous. I stopped by her place yesterday, and she introduced me to one of her female cyclists. Her cyclists, if you didn't hear the other podcast, like we do for Wayward Comics when they're coming from L.A. to play Boston or whatever. El Paso or Albuquerque.

Yeah, we put them up but she has a foundation that gets because she introduces me to a female cyclist and i walk in she goes oh janelle yep janelle uh listen to our podcast our first podcast number 310 she listened to that while on the bike, riding. Yeah, I really want to introduce you to her. And so I go in and I give her a big hug. And then she's telling me about this other thing she had to test. It goes into a kind of a me too conversation with me and you. And then I went, oh, maybe i shouldn't have hugged that girl

without that so i went in and the girl happened to be on skype with her parents at the homestretch compound and i went in and pee on her no i read the uh i read the public apology. Just the fumes from the smoke and the liquor coming from his pores. Oh, my God. No, it was so funny. I read in front of her parents on Skype a public apology of, I'm sorry. I was wrapped up in the enthusiasm that Christine. Catherine. Catherine Bertine.

Christine Bertine. Sorry. That's why you need a fucking I'm your best friend second Christine Bertine's coming here tomorrow night woo

that'll go out first without without her consent I hugged her and now I know that it is a shameful event and I I'm going into

sensitivity counseling and i just read this like bogus fucking public apology and uh yeah it was really fun and her parents thought it was hilarious midwest i'm guessing yes yes how did you know well that's where he thrives yep yeah yep that was uh that was great and it brought a much needed lightness to the situation that we were talking about with the Me Too stuff and all of that I love all the cryptic stuff that we keep referring to Chad and I have to guess what's going on

because you guys are so besties that it's almost annoying Shaley and I are just filling in all the blanks with gossip just so you guys know you're just leaving out parts but we're making up stuff in the middle. No, no, there's a whole story. I don't think I got to this in my thank yous. Well, here's a thank you that I don't know where the...

What are you... He doesn't know. He's looking for shit. For a guy who has podcast notes. He's rummaging around. I have podcast notes from four days ago. Thank yous. This is, yeah, this guy sent me this shirt where he spent some time on this shirt,

but because Tom is wearing a homestretch foundation shirt, probably because he was made to by his domineering bicyclist wife with strong thighs look if we don't promote how are we ever gonna we're gonna be in pictures tom tom take pictures on a podcast they talk about all the time tom did she tell you the the very inappropriate joke I said to someone, but I told you. Which one? I go, hey, do you think of Christine's what? Do you think of, yeah. My name is Catherine.

I know. He's talking about Christine. It was a callback. Oh, okay. I said, do you think of Libertine, Catmandu, Catamaran? I said, do you think if she sat on your face she'd just automatically start peddling you know i think he just said you got a face like a bicycle seat yeah this metaphor is so

flawed. That's not even possible. It's a joke. It's not a metaphor. It's not possible. Of course it is. I'm picturing it right now. Bingo already donated the bicycle you could make that happen on. Like a gynecological tool. Actually, you're right. If it's a recumbent,

that opens the door to a totally different... Well, it opens the door. Oh! You know, I could straighten that out and say we're all clear on that metaphor. We're all clear. And I wore this t-shirt because it was the only thing I had down here left in the dresser for me to wear. No, I didn't make him wear that.

He actually wears that voluntarily. She did offer me one of those and I said I would never wear that because I know they cost money. They do, yes. I can attest to that. It's laundry day. I get it. For me, it's laundry day.

That's right. Doug, say thank you for that t-shirt. Thank you. It was a neighbor from Bisbee that sent it to us Oh that's a neighbor And it's not a screen print Rhode Island Oh I misunderstood

Bingo walked in and said a neighbor handed me this And I just assumed Anyway someone sent That's a stencil That's a three color stencil They cut that They cut out three different layers Someone sent a... That's a stencil. That's a three-color stencil. They cut out three different layers. Of my face. But what they did is they took a quote.

It's like, I wish I had your book here. Where just some interstitial... It's not even a punchline. It's something I said in the middle of a bit. And they wrote, Just don't fuck the kids and I know the bit that that comes from

but it's just it's part of the build up it has nothing to do it's a picture a t-shirt with a picture of me that says just don't fuck the kids which doesn't make any fucking sense.

It's just awkward and awful. Are you going to wear it to breakfast? No, I'm not. No, home stretches. He's out of t-shirts. They're clearly fans. Actually, this looks like a perfectly

reasonable statement to me. Just don't fuck the kids. Well, who's going to get mad at you for that? It's like saying, fuck hatred. And in today's day and age, it actually might be necessary. Is there a ribbon for that? Let me make this clear. All right.

Who has the fucking... It's Helen Marzek. I'm sorry. Helen Marzek from Hottest Life Foods, LLC, sent us seven bottles of hot sauce. Oh, my God. Hot sauce. All right. You guys.

Wait. There's seven? Yeah. Here's another. Seven. All right. And there's six of us. All right.

What would you. Because Tom is weird. Would have jalapenos on a burger. All right. Tom, you go first. Which? You mean to choose? Actually, no.

Hold on. You go first to do what? Wait a minute. Let me read off the names of all of them. No, no. Pick one. Everyone pick one blind. Just reach in blind, and you have to try it.

I'll take the last one. This one? This one, last one? Whatever the last one is. I got grapefruit haban I'll take the last one. This one? This one, last one? Whatever, the last one. I got Grapefruit Habanero. Nice and hot sauce. Grapefruit Habanero. Wait a minute.

Can we focus on the one that didn't get picked? That's the one I want. It's called Mishka Shubali. We have one named after Mishka Shubali. I just noticed it when I picked up the other one. The Mishka Shibali's Irish Shibai beer-based green hot sauce. It's like kickball all over again.

Mishka. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Look at this. Under the seal, the shrink-wrap seal on the top, there's a fortune and a little comic on the back. You shouldn't open that before. That's fucking cool.

Your fortune. The lottery is a scam. And then it gives me my lucky numbers. That's great. All right. Plug them again. The hot sauces are from Hottest Life Foods, LLC. We'll obviously have a link in the show notes.

And Helen Marzek. I hope I got your name right. I probably didn't. Hey, mine didn't have shit on the label. Helen Marzek? Sounds hot. It says Irish Spikes on it, so I guess that's the brand name. So, coming.

Yeah, I got the Vandal, and it's incredibly good. I am putting it in my backpack to take home. Yeah, I'll be taking this one home. Right on. This is the red eye. Red eye?

Yeah. Mine's a 6.5. What's yours? That's fantastic. That's 5 out of 10, but it's got the whiskey. I do want to say thank you to the person at Go Bananas during Doug's weekend. He gave $20 each to Tracy and I and Chad. And then he has a single crisp $1 bill for

Gump. And he not only wrote on Jackson's head the color of our hair and then he said to Gump, here's a dollar, get a job. With Chad Shank, he actually put the beret and the goatee and Chad. I felt awkward

that he didn't also tell me to get a job. But thank you very much I appreciate that I don't know who it was though thank you and last and most please bid on the bike

the Homestretch Foundation they're doing great things for great people and uh and i i'm gonna be there when that bike gets picked up oh yeah oh this is what i was not gonna say but i'm saying it he's not saying anything i I got a thing I was going to say, goddamn you. The bike is going to auction right now.

When you're listening to this, the bike is at auction if you're listening when this goes out. It's up on eBay. How? How do they find it? I think it's homestretch73

on the mic please right it'll be on the link will be on this alright that's what it is Doug will tweet the link but if you need to go to dougstandup.com

go to podcast and on the homepage it'll be on there when you click on this podcast Shaylee has the link up and even if you were to go to eBay and search recumbent you will actually

actually see a picture of stanhope and bingo and the recumbent oh great so that's another helpful hint and if wherever you buy that from if you ride that bike to bisbee You have one night in the guest house. Let me write that down. Yep. And somebody will rub balm on your bruised vagina. And honestly, please, if you're fucking crazy

where you're not in control of it. Pedal super fast. We can't wait for you to get here. We're not calling. Yeah, but if you ride that bike, if you're a cyclist and you ride that bike here, we will hook you up. Unless you live in the Warren District.

Already? Yeah, you can't ride it from up the street. But why would you? Who has that kind of money? Thank you for supporting Homestretch, Catherine Bertine, Libertine, Catmandu. Bertie.

And please tweet at Doug Stanhope or at Catherine, K-A-T-H-R-Y-N-B-E-R-T-I-N-E. And yeah, help us with a nickname because we. Oh, geez. Here it comes. Yeah. Fucking hammer her. Get ready to fall asleep crying every night. Oh, boy.

Yep. All right. Bring it. I'm ready. Do it. Do it. Good night. Thank you. Yep. All right, bring it. I'm ready. Do it. Do it. Good night. Thank you.

Later. Thank you.