The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #317: Doug's New Digs

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

For the summer Doug is working on a new project and Kathryn Bertine has just the place to get things done. The move has included a fresh outlook on life which he and Bertie detail. The eBay auction for Bingo's Recumbant Trike ends Sat June 18th. All proceeds benefit the Homestretch Foundation. If the winner rides it to Bisbee they get a night in the FunHouse - https://www.ebay.com/itm/Comedian-Doug-Stanhopes-Catrike-Recumbent-benefitting-Homestretch-Foundation/392309441262Thanks to everyone subscribing on our  Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast)   to support the podcast. Any level helps and is much appreciated. If our monthly goal is met we will put out an extra podcast at the end of the month. This extra podcast will only be available to those who have donated for that month. Thanks in advance.  - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded June 8th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Kathryn Bertine (@KathrynBertine), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by www.DougStanhope.com/store - Order one of the last VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse” at http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast awesome next thing you know jed's a millionaire no we at least it wasn't it wasn't very hard to get gigs in seattle yeah uh bertine is a drummer I guess you already Established that You walked in on that Yeah, he was saying he was a drummer for an all-girl band And I played with all boys Tell me that story Your first band you were in

With a bunch of dudes Oh, the band In college, right? With Mother by Pink Floyd We were playing all the covers back then Because that's what you do In college, right? Yeah. With Mother by Pink Floyd. We were playing all the covers back then because that's what you do when you're in a band in college. I made a living on it for seven or eight years. Right, yes.

That's how I met Doug. Oh, perfect. Playing in a cover band. That's all the covers. So we were playing, and they were great. Let me set this up a little bit. I'm going to step back. Bertine has Homestretch Foundation, which is closed for the summer.

So I'm up there working on a project. She's also working on a project. She's going to disappear for July, August, and go back east to work on her shit. In the meantime, while we're staying up there. Shit, I forget how this backs up you know we're talking about uh drumming and stuff like well mother oh that's what it was no uh uh i'm staying in the foundation part and she has a separate house on the property so i go is is there any way because she has to be my chaley now is there any way you can get music on because it's really dead silent and then it's just the

voices in your head uh so we figured out sonos together meaning she did uh i was very close to figuring out sonos on my own so i could call Chaley and go, I figured it out, but I didn't. I was that close. Also, same with Audible. I got it on my phone, but I'm this close to figuring it out in my car. So, yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm on furlough here.

Wait, you did walk in with a phone. You didn't smash it? No, I didn't smash anything. I did not smash. Kudos to you. Your system must be pretty intuitive. Well, she put on some classical music, and she's like, you can really sleep with this on?

I'm like, it's upstairs. You can barely hear it anyway, and it's beautiful classical music. It's like the blind guy playing a violin to Frankenstein. So at some point she's writing in the main house where I am and she changed it to

ambient sleeping music and I go, what the fuck is this? It all sounds like a Pink Floyd song that's about to start and never does. Hello. But hello never comes. So that got us talking about Mother

and that leads us to this story about playing Mother in a cover band, which, what cover band? Hey, let's go down to fucking Rick's VIP lounge and listen to that cover band play Mother by Pink Floyd. Sometimes you play things for you, right? We do, exactly. That's why she didn't get hired back.

Wait, what? Had to go into professional fucking athleticism. Oh, right, yeah. I don't know. No, I still play. I just haven't played for a few years because I don't have a drum set at the house, at the homestretch right now.

But yeah, back in college, I was in a cover band that did a lot of, I would say like B-side of Alternative. Oh, so you guys played a lot of parties. Yes, exactly. We played parties. Really sad parties. That's so judgmental. I was just excited to be at any party back then.

So that was great. So we played Mother, but one of the guys one of the guys was a drummer you got to hang out with musicians yeah that's really cool it was it was great that's a hack joke guys that's that's not to us you just wait to get into a room with a drummer i mean i'm i'm run rung up. I'm bass player. I only... Oh, from a drummer? A drummer? Yeah. Oh, fuck you. Oh, no.

Drummers are in three bands minimum. You never know if they're going to even show up. That's not true. Well, good drummers are in three bands minimum. Every Hackney joke I've heard about bands

is about the bass player. So, sorry. Yeah. Or, well, you just heard a good one. Yeah, because you just turned it into the drummer where they say that about the bass player no exactly thank you you're projecting i guess go ahead i guess it could work go ahead bertine i can't even remember what we were talking about you got in this band and so got in yeah we were playing one of the songs was mother

and it has a really funky cool timing um that is not straightforward it's basically in the six eight time but it takes a while to listen to that you buried the lead what you buried the lead go ahead oh i guess i did do we get to redo this? No, you just have to go. Shit. He's giving you shit saying your drumming is off. Yeah. And now I'm over here going, six, eight. Fucking how the fuck? Six is not going to work. She's going to explain.

I just do a three, four. And then double it. It's not the same. That's right. Thank you, Tracy. Exactly. Tracy plays cello i wish tracy would get on this podcast oh i know i really wish he would or just sit in that would be can you just

play cello on the podcast that would be beautiful that'd be fantastic that would be good like doug's album something take the edge off the cello is chelie play tracy plays cello in the background while we goof on make dick jokes that's That's fucking great. I think it is. Tracy's classically trained at the cello. Bring it in, please. No, we don't. I almost got her talking to do an open mic at the Grand with the cello. That might do it.

Wow. Nice. Just sit by the microphone. No, we need you here making drinks. No. All right, please tell the microphone. No, we need you here making drinks. No. All right, please tell the story. I have listened to so many goddamn podcasts from three years ago where I just fucking suck.

Please tell the story. Anyway, the guys in the band were great, but one of them was a little bit, you know, just would always be, I don't know kind of demeaning toward me or like wait but you're the drummer oh he did it again i've i've got a bad relationship with drummers let's just say you're holding something deep inside it's a bladder full of alcohol now go please that too and so And so this guy was just, we couldn't, we weren't able to figure out what was going on.

And somebody was off. This person was off. How many people in the band? Five. Okay. That's a lot to deal with. Yeah. So, right.

Singer, drummer, bass, lead guitar, rhythm, guitar. So it is. It's a big band. And they couldn't figure out the timing that was going on. And this one guy just kept saying, no you're off you're off you know and he was this way kind of the whole time the whole season playing that upperclassman vibe you know and i i kind of did the polite like oh okay maybe maybe it is you know but then finally i was like no enough of this shit i'm like no you're fucking wrong this is six eight time and that's why none of you are getting this and it's not coming together and believe it

or not the bassist was on my side and was like she's right you know because bassists and drummers should be best friends aren't we yeah so it was basically it was great just to be like oh I'm right on this and then finally we got the song and it was great

but that's the kind of stuff that I think sometimes you know women have to deal with that little mansplaining thing that was going on a little bit. Explain six, eight time because Chaley doesn't understand, but Tracy does. It's,

it's, you said it to me in the car. You went, it's like one, two, three, four, five,

six, one, two, three, four, five, six. Wow.

They just fucking did that simultaneously. did oh jc you guys are cycling together already you've only been here for two hours yes sister that was so great they're menopausing together at their age incorrect next topic that is incorrect i can show you I'm bleeding on your seat right now. I am not menopausing. That too is incorrect. 6-8 also means that the eighth note gets the one count. Oh, interesting. You're used to a quarter note that is 1, 2, 3, 4.

6-8 means the eighth note has the one count. Got it. That's why it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Each of them is an eighth note. That's what I do in my comedy. You know the shit pussy bit? That's what I did six, eight times. It's subtle.

It's subtle. You'll get it. Yep. Listen to it again. Yeah. So I love that that's one of my favorite songs of all time. And then I'm reading in Digging Up Mother that, you know, you have that. Yeah.

Taking mother out, tripping on mushrooms trying to play mother for her and uh yeah she wasn't having it she was talking over the song i said yeah this uh this is one of my favorite songs on her first mushroom trip in a top hat driving her around Bisbee. Oh, good memories. It's three four time, I think she said. You double it. Play it twice as fast. I've been on a

workout regimen with the Bertine. Hold on. You've been gone a workout regimen with the Bertine. Hold on. You've been gone for a week. Yep. And now we start seeing these fucking crazy Twitter things of you exercising. Started with yoga. We're a little concerned over here.

We were doing some speed walking. She goes, why don't we walk to Safeway instead of drive? Absolutely. Okay. And we'll walk the neighborhood too. She's got kind of a neighborhood like this, but gated community. But it's going to do the four clover leaves kind of thing. And yeah, she's a competitive athlete.

But one thing I can do is walk really fucking fast hennigan is the only guy that walks as fast really good at that that is i had to step up my pace to keep up with you but it's like a cheetah it's not very long no fuck you we walked for an hour really because we had to go all the way to safeway and we even, I sped walked through Safeway. The only breaks I got were at the cashiers who are very slow. This is a Wait, Argyle slow? No.

Argyle here in Safeway? The Safeway next to her down the road. I am so used to this Safeway. This Safeway here is my safe place it's my special place and i know everyone and everyone's happy almost the bisbee safeway is almost like stepford wives or like everyone hey do you need help out i'm valley sunday kind of yeah happyville whatever

everyone's happy to be there and there Do you need help out with that? No, I'm an able-bodied man, and I just bought a pack of straws. But they still ask you, do you need help out with that? Did you find everything okay? I went into this Safeway. I had slept on an edible. Not under your back. You'd eaten it and then

eaten it at bedtime. But I woke up still fucking high and I went to Safeway and it was Dream Safeway where it's Safeway but it's set up different. And I'm in the produce section and people look like the

produce section people at my Safeway, but they're not smiling and they're sad and no one says hello. I'm trying to find Claritin for allergies but it's a different, it's the same Safeway.

It was different. In our Safeway, the produce is on the right and the alcohol is on the left and then you're safe oh my god but but i'm high so it's like when you're explaining a dream it was like our house but it wasn't our house the people there were like our people but they're not our people it's like a glitch in west world and the fucking checkout lady where suzy's lane would be was just miserable and i hi good morning and she's no did you find everything okay it was just miserable her whole countenance i put in my two weeks today what do you want not a fucking

word and i so i went back not high the second day angela in lane three if you're up in the uh northwest part east northeast yeah that's that way right yeah so so i've been going back every fucking day to her lane and just engaging her against her will in conversation and i'm breaking her i'm slowly breaking her you're doing great i mean she just wasn't there the last couple days but i don't think people are mean there i think it's just new and i think there are a lot of um teenage teenagers and young 20 year olds that are are just like... Angela's not a teenager. No, no. She's a bitter, probably...

She might be 38 that looks 45. Sorry, you're 44. I'm 44, I'm saying. Yeah, you look 33. Well, thank you. Well, that's from not having kids and spending your whole life on a bicycle. Possibly.

Or maybe it's like not drinking and smoking quite the same. Well, you should try both before you judge. No, it's genetics. That stuff's all genetics. You've seen my dad. Oh, my God. Dad's 82. He's just whippy, he's there he's not the bit i do about elderly people he's

like the exception yeah genetics i am so eddie haskell in the entire neighborhood I live in. He is. Explain that to your younger. Eddie Haskell was from Leave It to Beaver, and he was the older brother's friend of Beaver that would, Hi, Mrs. Cleaver. You look lovely today, Mrs. Cleaver. I know everyone's fucking name at Dollar Tree. I'm there every single day. I know everyone's name.

But Eddie Haskell would be like, like giving a fucking Indian burn to Beaver and then the door would open and then his hands would go down. He goes, oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I mean, he was... I'm being a goddamn... He was a total asshole.

All right, I'm not being a total asshole. But I mean, that's really nice. Except for now when I shit all over Angela for having no customer service skills. But we're explaining Eddie Haskell. There's a dark and a light side to that guy. And that was the... I mean, that's a really good term. Eddie Haskell.

Kids should know that. Dollar Tree. The exact opposite of Safeway. First of all, Dollar Tree, unlike our dollar stores here in Bisbee, Family Dollar and Dollar General, yeah, nothing's a dollar. Everything's like $8 is a round number. But yeah, Dollar Tree, everything's a motherfucking dollar. I got knives and shit.

What are you stocking up for, the apocalypse? Point is, everyone at goddamn Dollar Tree on Tanque Verde is a fucking nice. Don't worry. There's no way. Don't worry. Go ahead. Yes. They're all happy people.

I go, why is everyone that works here from Reese and Shane all the way up? Sandy. Sandy. Oh, Sandy's still there? Yeah. And I said to Sandy, I said, why is everyone so happy here? They want to engage you in conversation. How's your day?

What are you doing? Like, it's almost like a fucking Facebook of a dollar store. And she goes, well, it comes from the top down. Well well the top is Lonnie from Safeway I mean from Dollar Tree he's the manager and he's the happiest guy in the world and I actually confronted him one night were you there yeah what the fuck is going on around here everyone's so happy confronted's not the right way. I go, thank you. Oh, no. Bingo was up there when I saw him outside at night.

Okay. And then the next day you were with me when we went in the morning speed walking very fast. Correct. I feel really good at that. High five. Yeah. Unlike Safeway where Angela, oh, God damn it. The other pinched face girl she was having a moment. I shouldn't

judge her for that. Jeff I saw this morning. I think he's a manager. Jeff like Jeff Tate with a GEO. I'm learning everyone's god damn names. The Mexican place is fantastic. We're eating burritos there. Taco Giro. Yeah. Giro. Giro.

Yeah. Yeah. They have one in Sierra Vista. It Giro. Yeah. Kiro. Kiro. Yeah. Yeah, they have that out here. They have one in Sierra Vista. Yeah. It is good. Why? Very good. It's very good. Yeah. Yep. $2.99 margaritas from $5 to $10, trying to avoid them. I have had two for breakfast. And La Buzz.

Oh, La Buzz. Oh, this is so good. Because Bertine is a cyclist. like the kind that wears the kit. Yeah, nice. And I think it was the second morning I woke up, I was still pretty pissed, drunk, UK pissed. Sorry, I don't know why I used UK. I was still pretty drunk, but I had to go out and exercise. Oh, pissed meaning drunk. Yes. Okay, yeah, that is where you...

The UK. And, hey, we'll walk down. I guess that was probably the day we did an hour and 45 minutes of exercise. I don't know. Of walking. What are you doing? We sped walk down there. She goes, oh, it was Sunday because all the bikers are out there, bicyclists, cyclists.

Don't say anything right now. Blink if you're in trouble. What's going on? An hour and 45 minutes. I don't think it was quite that long. I think that was the next day when we sped walk and then did 45 minutes of yoga after. That was the next day. All right.

But it works as a metaphor. Keep going. I show up at the La Buzz coffee place Sunday morning. So this is like a barren area of Tucson cyclists flock to because you don't get killed by traffic. Right. It's not in the heart of the city. It's on the- Pretty flat out there too, right?

Yes and no. There are some great flat roads, but you're also right at the base of Mount Lemons. So you have a lot of climbing. And that's why we settled on that part of town. Because if you're a cyclist, you want to get out and away from the lights as quick as you can. So it makes sense to settle in the corners of Tucson. This is where she fucked me. Oh, wait a minute.

I walked down there still piss drunk from the night before. There's probably going to be a lot of cyclists down there. There's a lot. They're all in kits. They're in a race. The shiny lycra suits. They're shorts and short legs.

Helmets on their laps. Walking around bowlegged because they got the little clips. shiny lycra suits that are shorts and then short legs and short top. And helmets on their laps. Walking around kind of like bow-legged because they got the little clips. Is that what they call it? Cleats? Cleats, yep. The clip-in though, right? They do clip-in, so you are correct, yes. So she introduces me to this whole table of

a six-top or eight-top of all these cyclists and then so she goes in to get coffee and I go, what's there like six or eight top of all these cyclists. And then so she goes in to get coffee, and I go, what's there, like six or eight or whatever. Buy them all cookies. That's nice. So I bought them all cookies. You bought a round of cookies for the cyclists. Well, I've learned from her and through her book, Good as Gold, the one I read.

I haven't read the other two yet. Yeah, they eat a lot of shit because they burn a lot of calories and they don't care if it's processed sugar. They just eat anything. So I go, I'll buy the cookies for people. And then I sat down outside at the outdoor table with them. And I said, I think I... It flowed really...

They were curious about who you are and what you do. But wait, we need to pause and set the scene because he was wearing one of his work shirts that had the name... Oh, it was one of fucking J.T. Habersat's work shirts. And it's got a million things. And it says like Henley, but then it has a... It has a comedian emblem in the side, like stand up. That's what it says. henley but then it has a it has a comedian um emblem in the side like

stand up that that's what it says yeah but there's a it's a very busy shirt it's a busy shirt and it kind of looks like you know and it's not a kit of lycra it's not no that's okay that's good that's all right but um yeah somebody asked what you do so he said yeah he's uh so he's a comedian and then it was the lady that saw your shirt, and she figured that out. They said, what is the other busy shit on your shirt? I go, no, this is a friend of mine's shirt. It's a promo shirt. He's a comedian.

And she goes, oh, he's a comedian. And I said, so do you work around here locally? And she goes, no. He's like an international famous fucking, just completely pins me to a cross and then goes and takes a phone call. A very long phone call. So you start the questions. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

Well, I guess we'll start on this side of the table, and we'll work across. I will finish all your questions, but please just one at a time. So you must... Oh, we're going to see that Italian fella over at the... Maniscalso? Oh, yeah. All they had to say was Italian fella.

Maybe it's August 10th at one of the casinos? We should give him a plug for all the shit I talk about him. He's actually in a bit I'm working on that I worked out at the O the other night. But fortunately, it didn't work because like that Sklar brother bit, not enough people know who he is, except for the people that go to his sold out shows you did great with that though i didn't mean to kind of sell you out in front of the crowd well now since we did that cycling thing on twitter yes with wearing the kit well you can't just say wearing the kit you have to talk it's awesome that you chose to wear my kit, which is a woman's cut. Chose?

I did force it on you. You put me in it. Well, that's all I have. I mean, I didn't have other clothing. I tried to tell. Bertine is an innocent. She's not like us. She had no Chilkoot Charlie's days. You don't know that. She was not like us. She had no chill cute Charlie's days.

You don't know that. She was in a band, dude. She went to college. I said, she goes, no, you're going to have to wear my cycling kit. And I said,

I have one of my random periods right now. So full disclosure, I'm not going to put on your cycling kit. Where I'm saying, I have a herpes outbreak. Which at some point, I'm sure I dropped, I have herpes in front of you. But she didn't get that. So that morning when we're taking the video, oh no, you have herpes in front of you. So, but she didn't get that. So that morning when we're taking the video,

oh no, you have to wear this. And she goes, oh, I think it's silly. You're going to wear underwear underneath it. And I'm like, oh, geez, this is morning. I don't want to have to go into detail about, I have a fucking raging herpes outbreak. I don't want to fucking tarnish your clothing. So I just wore underwear underneath it.

But I was giving it to you. I didn't need it back. Again, it's morning. No one wants it back. It's morning. I don't have time to bicker over details. I just put on underwear. And then we went for a

bike ride. Right. Which was great. Well, for one of you, the other one was screaming at every pedal. Chafing is the least of my worries, Jesus Christ. That's what happens when you have a new best friend

in the entire world usurping Chaley and Tracy and Derek, for God's sakes. And yeah, you have to have those conversations quick and upfront. Yeah. Don't make me wear your fucking silly Lycra underpants in public on a form of transportation i'm not familiar with but you didn't provide all the facts you had it kind of hidden that way yeah i thought i have like what did you say i have my man period no i said i have a one of my random periods so please don't make me wear bicycle shorts. That wasn't enough information for me.

And I thought you were just saying, like, oh, I don't want to wear those shorts. Oh, you look funny. You know? But I didn't buy it. I love dressing up in women's clothes. Are you kidding me? I love that you were both bracing for the answer you thought was coming your way. Yeah.

And it was both. It was totally different. So he's doing great. I mean, you have to tell people how, or I should tell people. Do we have to break? Oh, wait. We can't. I've almost got Sebastian's dates.

He's doing a Phoenix date. All right. We'll go right back into where we were with the exercise program. with the exercise program. And so I remember, we got to get back to next time at LaBuzz. Oh, yes, absolutely. Please hold cocktails. Hi, this is Doug Stanhope, actor, writer, enthusiast, and part-time broadcaster,

as seen on YouTube and all the other social networks. Do you like apparel? Well, what if I told you you could get apparel right there on the internet? I get all my apparel from Zip Zoo Apparel. If you ever want a t-shirt that has a kind of Felix the Cat head on it, and it says, you're gonna die in a really kooky font, and it's on a yellow t-shirt, none of that black shit, go to Zip Zoo Apparel.

You can get them on Twitter, at Zip Zoo Apparel. You can get them on Twitter at Zip Zoo Apparel. Apparel all year long. ZipZooApparel.com in Cincinnati. We're back. Great. You need to say that. We are back.

Wait, did this get filmed today? Yeah, I did it today. It's all fresh. Don't worry. Oh, hey, I put in a water system. I don't have to do five-gallon jugs anymore. Oh, she has that. Reverse osmosis.

Home Stretch Foundation has... The Culligan thing, yep. And then she also has the brita so you can put that in the brita and then pour that i'm all about this because with my new uh newfound uh workouts yay healthy says the only way i can drink water if anything I've learned from a million years in a Hampton Inn, is if you put in cucumbers or lemons and shit, yeah, then you want to drink water because it kind of tastes like something. So I'd make fresh water every goddamn day at the Homestretch Foundation. That's good. And I'd drink a shitload, and I'd piss a lot, and it's great.

It's good because you never piss. If someone wanted to donate to Homestretch Foundation, where would they go, Bertine? Homestretchfoundation.org and there's a donate tab right there. And isn't there something going on right now where people can actually get super involved

if they wanted to maybe get into cycling and help out Homestretch Foundation? There's only a couple days left. There is. In fact, I think only a couple days left. There is. In fact, I think we have five days left on this. No, it ends... Next Sunday. No, next Saturday.

But this Saturday coming up. It ends this Saturday coming up. When you hear this... If we had a date of when it ended, that would help. In this year of our Lord. On the 15th. In this year of our Lord. On the 15th. In this year of our Lord.

It is at 3 p.m. Eastern time. Saturday. Saturday, June 15th. And we are auctioning off Doug and Bingo's amazing. It's Bingo's. Well, it's mine. I paid for it. He's used it.

He sat on it and rode it around the blocks. There's footage. Listen, listen. I'll tell you what. I don't do a lot of these e-boxes, but don't devalue it. By saying Doug, who just admitted to a fire crotch, is now sitting down on your trike. Okay. In your kit.

You're absolutely right. We can cut that part out, right? Okay. We're leaving it in. It is a brand new recumbent bike. Yes. And it's fantastic. It's's pretty sweet whether or not you follow cycling it's high end top of the line recumbent it's great anybody of any age any height any gender can use this bike it's great and all of the proceeds from this auction go to home stretch foundation thank you uh as far as the cycling i've done on both your what do you

call it a civilian bike or something something degrading i think they call it beach cruiser yes a fucking it is a 10 speed getter the grocery getter right is it an e-bike a power pedal assist it is not no he actually had to use both of his legs. I don't remember how a 10-speed works other than to balance on it. So just a slight incline. I'm like, I could change a gear, but I don't remember how to change gears. Or you get the front one by accident. Which he did. He shifted the wrong way.

But I thought that was very endearing to the beginning pursuits of cycling. Of course. You don't get it right the first time. You find everything endearing. Fuck yes, I do. That's what's endearing about you. I could not. You even find the.

Well, all right. All right. What? What? you even find the well i all right all right what what i want to say that with the between the speed walking which i know i'm good at uh i practice that in airports yeah you are gifted at that but when it comes to the thing because it's only to the gate it's not oh no 45 minutes. Oh, no. I mean, that's great. When I was stuck in Phoenix Sky Harbor, boringest airport ever, I did the entire, every concourse, 50 minutes, I sped walked,

doing football around people. He did. Fucking finding the curves and angles between these. Yes. Yep, that was great. Yeah, 50 minutes. I fucking did it. I know.

I was on the phone with him for most of that, and the tirades he would unleash at people on the escalator who were in his way, that was pretty good. Going down an escalator with no fucking baggage, and you stand in the fucking middle, you fucking portly cocksucker. I am trying to get an exercise regimen on one of the things i don't know if it's cycling or yoga or all the things we've done or tennis

i do have two hernia mesh fixtures where one is like oh oh, that's aching now. So I got to be careful of fucking blowing out a hernia just to amuse my fans. Yes, don't do that. Because your fans are loving this. Actually, some of your fans absolutely love what you're doing and the other fans

are a little bit angry with me. They're afraid that you'll be fine. Brett Erickson said, what if you fix him? Then he'll be broken. No,ickson said, what if you fix him? Then he'll be broken. No, but that's where we have to point out that if you exercise, it actually fixes your brain chemistry. But that's a good thing because then you have more use of it.

So I'm trying to let people know. Well, we're more concerned with our Stanhope being intact. So it is more low impact. Yeah. You know, is what we're talking about here. Someone tweeted, you're hurting the brand. It is fun. I'm having the best time reading the Twitter comments.

And it's 50-50 right now. But I think most people. I love the pictures. Oh, my God. The one I commented on was. I love the pictures. The one I commented on was Doug surfing into the tube. There's a huge wave

at Pipeline and someone put you on a surfboard but you're going into the tube which is 10 years of surfing. I don't even know if we ever did that as a joke. You would just... It's so good. It's fantastic how many people are responding to that.

We've been writing together. It started out really good. All right, you tell me what part of your story you're working on and talk it through and I'll talk through what I'm doing. And then we go right into writing. Like fleshing it out. Yeah. But yeah, say it out loud.

So that gives you, you're not just working on words, you're coming off a conversation about this. And that worked. And then we were doing fine up until this fucking trike auction. this fucking trike auction. And then there was one day where Bertine actually started to tear up because we hadn't written shit. Yeah. And then the next day,

the eBay auction. You hadn't written for your... Yeah, we were both trying and we're just not there. There's nothing. I had to go back to listen in to podcasts about what I'm writing about to see what the fuck and I sucked it's amazing just three years ago they might still suck but I'm like oh but I was in a space then but we were

both not producing and at the end of what we were, alright we're going to do a full five hour chunk and towards the end when both of us didn't have shit, she started tearing up and the next day eBay auction and Twitter and she the voice of

reason and the always she's like alright fuck it I'm not going to do shit today I'm all about Twitter and Ebay your fans are funny this is hilarious did you see this picture so yeah it was two days

but the second day we didn't get shit done it was more happy it was it was I had to kind of step back from that control mechanism. I'm like, oh, my God, I didn't produce anything good today. This is terrible. It's killing me. And that's where you are such a good influence on me.

I mean, like. Whoa, whoa, hey, yo. Talk about damaging the brand. Come on now. I said, you know, maybe if I'm doing all your exercises, maybe I can teach you something about sloth and pushing it to the last minute. I slothed hard. It was awesome.

It was great. Is this a thing where I'm going to, this is the phrase that's out there, but is it misery loves company? The fact that you two both have this, you have something in front of you that you have to complete and that you kind of are able to enjoy the company to get the task done. Yeah. Because, I mean, I've been in a room or a car or a hotel room with Doug for hours. And other than where's the remote or are you hungry? We don't say a word but at the

same time you can actually there's there's a comfort in that there's someone else in that same proximity well what i go ahead thank you no it's it is it's really comforting manners too exercise and for now just wait just now you're you're still new to this whole thing i'm still exercise in there. For now. What's happening out there? Just wait. Just wait. For now. You're still new to this whole thing. I'm still new. The politeness will fade. But yeah, it's awesome. And it's really helpful for me to be able to have someone there

that is also doing the same creative work, even though we're both working on separate... Can I say the word both? Projects. We're working on separate projects. Projects, yeah. But they're both in the field of writing. We have to sit there and we have to write.

So it's really, really helpful for me to be able to do that and to bounce ideas off of it. I don't know if I've said this out loud, but I know I've tried to focus on it. During the day, I don't have social skills. So I try, when we talk, to talk about stuff that is involved in our projects shit we're writing about all right if we keep that as the topic because both of ours span a long amount of time so you know what else happened with you in that thing so we're like constantly talking if i have to make up small talk it's still work does that make sense it does it does keep it on topic we are and we are keeping what we're working on on topic and it's helpful when somebody at least it has been for me when

you're describing something that you're writing and if i don't get it for me to say wait i don't understand what's you know where where's it coming from or where's it going? Hopefully that's helpful to you as it is for when you do that to me. And sometimes we're just each other's thesaurus. And I know that, Tracy, you fill that role. And it's so great to be able to, when you're struggling for a word. I know I said if there was someone I wanted as an ancillary person when I'm writing a book, it's Chaley. For the other, Chaley knows every weird word.

What was today? What did you say about the bathroom on the edition? Bullnose tile. It's just how you end the course of tile and going into... Bull Nose Tile. Of course. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows what a ramekin is.

You know what I bought? Because she doesn't have ramekins when I was trying to make a snack plate for a writing session. I know. Yeah, I went to the Dollar Tree and Reese asked me a lot of questions about my day.

Oh, this is funny. Reese, the sweet kid from Dollar Tree, he's like a white Butters. Like a young white Butters. Isn't Butters white? He said, and I heard him doing the same kind of dialogue to the lady in front of me. And, oh, how's your day? What are you up to today? Like, just engaging, and he's sweet.

And so when he asked me that, I go, yeah, I'm up here from Bisbee. I'm working on my new book. Like, it's just, yeah, I'm going to talk about myself. I'm writing my next book like I'm fucking J.A. Jantz, and I have a million of them. Ramekins. No, no, I got it. He said, well, I use my credit card,

but I have the other American Express because the fucking construction guys have my real one. He goes, well, good luck, Mr. Bingaman. There's no way he's going to Google me now and go, oh, a famous author is going to be here every day

buying ramekins. But yeah, I found some little plastic dollar tree ramekins. Good for you. Which are small bowls, in case anyone wanted to know. Hey! I didn't. If you want to know, you ask Chaley.

Important. Well, are they the six ounce? Well, they can vary. Well, I know they can. The six ounce is almost a small bowl. No, this is like a small soy sauce. Like if you only were getting one piece of sushi, that would, yeah. But there's only two of us.

You could do like a hot lava cake in or a custard. That would be a normal size for a dessert. You're right. You're right. Like little baby crème brûlées. Oh, delicious. My waitressing days are coming back. I want you, Catherine Bertine.

Don't let the days go by, K-Bertine. Is that what you've been working on? Oh, no, it sticks in my head. We call her Libertine, and then I get glycerine in my head. I like it. Everything. It's better than Berfoon. I appreciate it.

Berfoon, we it Burfoon we liked I hope that went away we've evolved we've evolved except what I just brought up me and Valentina came up with Broutine

I didn't like that one you brought you sprung that on us Broutine it does sound brutish but I meant it in a very strong woman

kind of way I was a god damn feminist on that one oh my god feminist on that one. Oh, my God. Feminist. All that means is you consider women equal to men.

That's all. Yeah, that's a stretch, though. Oh, I disagree. You don't really think that. Yeah, but it's funny to say that. It is funny to say that. All right. No, I was about to say something. you were um well you we were originally talking about your mesh hernia no but like right then when i went into oh the the song well i appreciate

oh no i wanted to ask you i got it back god i love it when a thought disappears that don't talk get to the thought i want you to tell my listening audience and me the most annoying thing about me because she won't do this she i i get her once to say yeah um and i had to start the conversation because i'm in a basement that's a huge square footage kind of area. These pictures are available on Twitter. I mean, this is the place I saw, right? With the big open. There's as many lights as are in here. Or like Hazard.

You know how Hazard has a million lights? Yeah. And Bingo always has 18 lights on. And she's like, I don't understand why you sleep with an eye mask, but you leave every single light on. And I go, that's what I need from you. The reminders. But I would rather see a guy. I'll tell you why.

Okay. Because he'll pee in a closet if it's dark. I have heard that. It's been on my arm. Do you know what's great about this? Leading him to a toilet. This wonderful thing about this studio space in this basement is that we don't have any closets. The only closet is the bathroom.

So it's narrowed down. I am not getting that drunk. I have not had the booze shakes since I've been there. Oh, wow. That's so great. But please, I want you to do it live on the air. Just tell me one thing that I should do differently at Homestretch Foundation. Well, okay, so we already talked about the fact that, yeah, turning off the lights.

But I just said that once, and you've turned off every single every single light in fact you fucking sit there in the dark now like you've taken it to the extreme you know so i have to say this you are the easiest person to live next to you don't have oh come on there's gotta be something did you hear that you're the easiest person to live next to. Well, she lives in a separate house. Yeah. Oh, no. Doug, do you need a headlamp for living there? There's no way we could ever. After the classical music, I don't know how you can sleep like this.

I go, oh, we'll never be able to share a fucking same house ever if beautiful music from a distance keeps you awake. No, I didn't. What was funny to me was the fact that you had the music on. That's great. But to me, it was funny that you had all the lights on and you were sleeping with an eye mask. That was funny.

So it's not the music part wasn't a thing. That seems okay. But there isn't anything. I'll tell you the most annoying thing about you is you will never tell me the most annoying thing about me well it has only been a week so far so um maybe i wonder if you're on your best behavior right now and then the real stuff starts percolating a little bit so what about the smoking oh but you're so good we have to talk about over me. That's the most annoying fucking thing you do.

Nailed it. There we go. Oh my god, I feel lighter. This is so great. Your mic technique has gotten better too. You leaned into it there. That's really good. I had something to say.

Oh, she's got the voice. Oh, my God. Hang on. Hang on. You're going to show them the voice, lady. Oh, the Siri voice? She was on a speakerphone call with some customer service, and then she started talking back to customer service.

In the same voice. So here's what I found out. These are things I think about when I ride my bike, right? So it just percolates in there for a while. You don't have headphones on when you're biking? Oh, no, I don't use headphones at all. Okay, so that's different because a lot of people will get into a mode.

There's a different athlete who goes without music and can just focus and then they get in their head. So you can't use headphones when you race. So it makes more sense to me to train without headphones. So that's why I did that. But the part that, you know, that came up with, I must've gotten a phone call at some point on the bike and stopped and listened. And then I was like, God, that's so annoying to be on hold and talking to automated customer

service. I figured out that you can actually get through all that automated bullshit a lot quicker if you sound like the automated voice right so you know if some if it says you know um well what's a good example what do they ask usually like press one for english right that's right or would you like to speak to you he's in? And you just answer in the same tone like, yes, I would like to speak to customer service. And if you say it in that same tone, then you get through quicker. An operator or that type of thing. So a robot helps out another robot?

Yes. Yeah. Thank you for calling DirecTV. Your call is very important to us. Please tell us the reason for your call. I would like to subscribe to channel 238. She just went through, but she sounded exactly... You can mimic...

It's a gift. At the end of this podcast, we're going to have you cut some. What were they? You are listening to the Doug Stanhope. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope show. Or pod. We say pod. Oh, shit.

Or podcast. Shit. I like the shit. Shit. Or shit. Shit. And serious the same way. I meant podcast. Right. It's just. I like the shit. Shit. Or shit. Shit. Podcast. And Siri is the same way.

I meant podcast. Right. It's just, I don't know. It's one of those things that is now stuck in my head. Everyone has their own way of dealing with those calls. Yeah. Because I just got a new phone, a Google number. And I think the churn rate on those numbers.

I mean, I got someone whose warranty is just expiring on their car. Oh, that's the most common one I got in bot calls. The Kia, the orange Kia. Yeah. Still. So, I mean, they turn those numbers around really quick. So I've got some gal who lived in Nogales or somewhere around here. I mean, she had horrible credit from the amount of calls I'm getting.

She didn't give a fuck. And yeah, anyway. It's everywhere. La Buzz. Le Buzz. Le Buzz. Yes. Bertine is a bastardization of some other French name.

Catherine Bertin. bastardization of some other French name. Catherine Bertin. You didn't like that talking over comment, did you? I hate the French. And other people.

So, La Buzz, where all of our cyclist friends hang out on weekend mornings in their cycling kits. One of these pricks, he said something about my JT Haberset shirt. And the

shorts didn't have... Oh, the shorts, yeah. I was wearing... What was it? They used to sponsor us. Those shorts are fucking great. Bird dog shorts. And I have very flowery, floral, white and orange and flowery shorts. And he goes, well, it's a good thing

you're a comedian if you're going to wear shorts like that. And I said, what? They don't have enough sponsors written all over them like your fucking cycling kit? Yeah. But you were really polite about that. Of course. You were so nice.

I said it with a smile. And it's the older crowd, too. That particular table was members of a certain age. So, yeah, they were a very older crowd. No, no, they're older than us. Older than you and I? Yeah. Oh, wow.

60s? 60s? 70s? Late? Even up to the 80s? You know when you, like, actual bikers, like motorcycle people, pass you or you see a cluster of them and you get scared and then you realize they're fucking 70-year-old weekend warrior bikers

and you go, oh, fuck them. They're not dangerous at all. They're just annoying and loud like real bikers. So I want to get... Well, we have a couple ideas because I know where they sit every Saturday and Sunday morning down the street. So either...

These are all retired fellows. Oh, there's a million. Those are the ones we're sitting with, but it's clustered. Overall, there's just a ton of them. Oh, it's every age, every demographic. It just happened to be that when we walked up, there were two tables. That was just the table.

There's other tables. They're fucking everywhere. They're everywhere. Like, it's fucking NASCAR of bicycles, and they're just sitting around having cafe au lait or whatever. So I thought, well, maybe next weekend we go down there in our cycling kits that I wore on that Twitter video. And then after we have a coffee with them, we both put on our helmets and then go get in my car and drive away. And then I thought, why don't I get a...

On the top top Tracy said like you drive around with the bikes no that wouldn't even that would actually hinder the joke there's no bike involved we just drive around like this but then I thought why don't I go to a I don't know if Toys R Us or Back Open or a Target

and get like just a kids bike with tassels coming out of the handlebars and the training wheels. Training wheels and baseball cards in the spokes in my kit sponsored by Trek. Honestly, whatever keeps you riding makes me happy. See? No, I would only ride that little kid's bike to my car away from them and put it in the trunk.

Unless I get to the car first and then you're riding that home. Aw, just thinking of you. I enjoy your company. And I thank you for letting me write at your house. Homest Stretch Foundation. My best friend in the entire world. Bertine. Yes. You realize

the last time you had a project it was not in any place that was quiet or any place that you could actually focus. It was more like something like this. Yeah, and it's actually the end of the last project is about that time. I don't know how the last project got done. Oh, I heard.

In the, like, just the chaos that can happen here in an hour in a day any day pick a day and yeah so I think it's great we've had a limited amount of chaos at her place that cat got out the first night

the first night I was there that was a day early because I'm going to start June 1st but we got up a day early. So Valentina and Olivia Grace stopped by and then Amy Miller. I did her podcast. I don't know if that's been out yet, depending on when we put shit out. But yeah, Amy Miller, the Who's Your God podcast. We did a swap cast so that was great

with steve hernandez and we had a great time olivia grace was on that she's up olivia grace is doing some shit up in town but yeah no one's fucking with me i'm not fucking with anyone and so yeah it's been beautifully quiet peaceful peaceful, and I get a cat. Persistence is her name. I call her Persecute. She did take a swipe at you. Yeah, she fucking ate on me. She was trying to play, but got a little.

She chewed on me. And then what happened? Her hip got. Her hip went out. Yes, Derek is the one who took care of meat wig I told you yeah the $3,800 cat is now sitting down here well it's really it's so helpful for me to have you there too and just like we were talking about you know that camaraderie and being able to work with somebody and not have to explain what you're doing like when you're in that creative space and you don't have to you don't have to explain what you're doing. Like when you're in that creative space and you don't have to explain it.

You can just be in the same zone. It's so helpful for me, especially, you know, as it's been, I've been working on this project for over a year because I've had to stop and start due to other time stuff constraints with the homestretch and this and that. So it's so nice to have this writing chunk where, you know can actually i love the heat yeah oh my gosh yeah he's really good yeah tucson's not always the most pleasant place to be in death valley you know it's it's amazing and he'll go out and sit in the sun and and love that heat and i'm like I'll be inside yeah when we were doing yoga

she's like I'm gonna be in the shade probably so we got right where shade hit so we could do it together and I would be yin and yang again in filthy sun so great well

sounds like a lot of good is happening out there oh yeah tomorrow we're hiking back towards the gun range that's like a lot of good is happening out there. Oh, yeah. Tomorrow, we're hiking back towards the gun range. That's like a 90-minute hike in the desert. Oh, out here. Oh, yeah. We're going hiking. Did you tell them what we did today? Tennis.

Yeah. By the time the listeners hear this, yeah, there's tennis has happened. Hiking has happened. There's more coming. There's more coming. There's more coming there's more coming we're gonna do something weird but i think we go weird like bowling at some point you're going away to your boyfriend uh guy i don't know what you call him i call my wife my wife because but yeah you're going away for a week so we're going away for a week yeah there's gonna a week. Yeah, there's going to be a lag time, but then we should do bowling or...

That's good. I think that's good. Lawn darts. Oh, no, I can't do roller skating or ice skating. There's no ice skating in Tucson. We'd have to go up to Phoenix to skate. Oh, wait. What if we have an open audition?

I can call all my friends at KVOA Morning News, Paul C. Call it to see if I could get a tryout for the tucson road runners oh my ankles would just break but it's seasonal ice i don't think they're in season right now so we can't go skating what's seasonal ice for the desert i tried roller skating once is it roller skating the rest of the time no No, fuck that. No, they train at the, or they train slash have their games at the Tucson Convention Center. Yeah. But they don't keep the ice up there all year. Oh, no.

So then the team goes up to, I can't remember, it's Chandler or wherever, but they go up there. Gotcha. But we're getting you on the ice at some point. If we have to run. No, no. My ankles would collapse. No, no. Yep, we're good. Yeah, with the brace on the side. Yeah, exactly. My ankles would collapse Skating No no Skates

Yep we're good With the brace on the side Yeah exactly Tiny Tim Yeah The braces Gump They have

And they have the walkers You know yeah Oh the walkers We went to a different level there Yeah I'm just trying to teach little kids Yeah Yeah yeah

Oh my god Oh we are so going skating That would be perfect yeah dude all right well yeah so many hang out till winter we'll just we'll just milk this you're doing great i'm so impressed he really is taken to this he even started running uh when we were out for a walk he like broke into a run oh yeah oh i have tape was it downhill maybe he just fell forward and he kept putting his feet ahead of him.

No, it was proactively going up a hill without me saying anything like run. He just did it on his own and I just felt like we were witnessing something from another world. You were. It was. It was amazing. What happened? Nothing. The road ended.

Was there a lion chasing him? You put that much effort, you closed strong. That's what I did. Now I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. Hey, I want to say thank you to everyone who's joined up on Patreon. We're trying to get to everyone and making tiers that everyone wants to be involved with. We got some good premiums there. I mean...

There's a conundrum with, all right, do we take this as a sponsor or do we just trust you, the listener, to kick in so we don't have to make that choice? Or we don't have to, like, rely. Because right now, we have to rely on the sponsors. We have turned down every sponsor that I don't want to get behind.

But then it comes to a point where, yeah, got to fucking pay some bills. So we gave you the choice of don't make us make that choice, kicking a few bucks. The only person that I've gotten bad feedback was someone who called me mate that's all i remember listen i've bought shit i don't even want yeah yeah australian is my only clue but i bought shit i don't even want or need to support your podcast but asking for money that's the same thing now you don't have to buy shit that you don't want or need just give us fucking money

that you don't want or need that you spent money on and then no one has to go to a post office you fuck or don't to ask for money for bonus content hey guess what we got some fucking good bonus content stuff. I promised I would never put out stuff.

We forgot about it. It makes me, I didn't forget about it. It's just, you wanted to forget about it. Oh my God. But you know, I,

I created the, you know what I'm talking about? If you're an old school listener, I still have not listened to that four hours. Hey, uh, uh, I did set the one tier at one dollar if you if you donate a dollar a month that's twelve dollars a year come on that's that's less than a t-shirt right so i did that and then people are are requesting more tiers

in between a dollar and five dollars so i'm like like, well, we're not going to get this down to pennies. It's like, if you want to donate, donate. Just fucking donate. And it just helps us not rely so much on sponsorship. We got a lot of things coming up in the next couple of months. Before we go on tour, we got a couple of things going on that you don't even know about, Doug. But that's your preference. Yeah, no, I can't know shit until the end of summer.

But we've got some cool things happening. And Chad Shank and Doug and I have talked about it. And if we hit our goal for the month, we're going to put out the extra podcast. The extra podcast is only for people who donate on Patreon. It's only available through their sponsorship. Sorry, I'm just spitballing. But it would be

funny if all those people who go, hey, why don't you play Columbia, Missouri or whatever. Alright, I'll play the place that I get the most Patreon money from.

I'd have to look and see if we can do that. I the most Patreon money from. I'd have to look and see if we can do that. I don't think that works. Sorry. By the way, I'm just riffing here. It's spitballing around the table. Wind chiming. What do they call that?

I don't know what you call it anymore. It's annoying and no one can stop it. Wind chiming. I better go to bed. I have to get back to Tucson tomorrow. I have a cat to feed. That's right. That's right. Catherine Bertine.

Catherine is K-A-T-H R-Y-N Bertine. B-E-R-T-I-N-E at on Twitter. Follow her because she's the one posting all these videos of tennis and yoga

and cycling and speed running and hiking and swimming and bench pressing I don't know what the fuck we're going to keep doing planking I think that's part of yoga-ing someone said you did a little bit of plank the other day.

I don't know. I felt fucking great afterwards. I was sitting upright in a chair. I got some weights. I found some weights out in our yard, and I've been trying to lift weights in a way I think will help my posture. He didn't make that joke.

He said, I found some weights. I could get someone out here to move those for you. It took her a couple days to get that joke I got that one fast all right thank you guys very much for uh participating in our podcast I love you keep your emails coming I'll check them in September. And I do have a whole shelf full of thank yous. I'll just go bird snatch is one I remember, but I have to go through that, and that's like a pile of dirty dishes. All of you people who send weird shit

to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603, I'm getting the stuff. I have a whole giant shelf of shit. Keep sending it. It encourages me and it makes me happy, but I'm too lazy to go through. The deeper it gets, the more I'm depressed. I can't go through it to say thank you to everyone.

So I got it. Thank you. I appreciate it. And Rob in Pocatello, Idaho. Fuck Rob in Pocatello. No, he's the guy who gave me the solar panels. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I hope you got the merch we sent you.

And thanks again for giving us all that. We're still in the process of getting the solar panels. Yeah, Rob in Pocatello. Thanks for the solar panels. No buyer's remorse when it hits November up in Idaho and you go, oh, I wish I had those back. I'm cold.

Fuck you. Let me ask you a question. Fuck you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី You are listening to The Doug Stanhope Show. Shit, I meant podcast.