The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #320: Charlie the Intern has Landed

Episode Date: June 26, 2019

How did Doug land an intern named Charlie and why would he be working for free in Bisbee?Olivia Grace and Chaille are along for the ride.Become a subscriber to the Doug Stanhope Podcast through our Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) to help keep this and future episodes coming. Any level of support helps and is much appreciated. If our monthly goal is met we will put out an extra podcast at the end of the month. This extra podcast will only be available to those who have donated for that month. Thanks in advance.  - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastFall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded June 15th, 2019 at the HomeStretch Foundation Compound in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Intern Chuck (@charlescarter81), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I had a nickname for you yesterday and it was terrible. What was it? You don't need a nickname. You're Olivia Grace.

You're Talent. Talent. That Olivia does Bits. Yeah, what was the nickname? I don't remember. I don't. We were thrift store shopping. Did you find any jams?

Hang on, we're here with Charles in Charge. It's hard to say. Charles in here with Charles in Charge. Hello, friend. It's hard to say Charles in Charge. Charles in Charge. I think I was doing that just to piss off Gump. Like this new guy just shows up and I'm going, yeah, that's Charles in Charge. He's in charge of everything.

Gump just smokes a cigarette. Gump didn't care. The week that I was there, you guys alienated all my people that would teach me anything. Derek, Kenny, all of them. They fucking all were completely threatened right away. They weren't threatened. They say they're threatened, but it's not like they do anything anyway.

What happened was Tom Canopo is coming over and he's working in the yard. And we talk about it. It's like, yeah, Charles is here. And I hadn't really even talked to Charles yet. And they said, Chuck, let's go with Chuck because that's what Tracy... Charles is my finance name. It's an awful name.

Yeah. Okay. So I go, I don't really know what he's supposed to be doing here, but he's supposed to be doing something. And then he's sitting out smoking cigarettes, talking comedy to Kenny and Gump for like two days. And then after two days, I go, hey, Chuck, what are you doing here?

He goes, we've got 20 minutes. He goes, I don't know. Those guys are supposed to tell me what to do, but they just smoke cigarettes and we talk comedy. And I go, but hold on. They're not telling you anything? He goes, no, not really. Well, they don't know what to do. Exactly.

They do what you tell them while you're in the room. Hey, Gump, take the trash out. Okay. Gump would be scared. Sounds like a plan. This is what happens. You've got one end of a couch. You're straining.

And there's another end of that couch. And you'd have to go, hey, can you give me a hand with this? And he would. Which end? And he would say, happily do that. But he would watch you strain, or in his periphery, see you strain while he smoked cigarettes

and watched Stripes on TNT for the 55th time. So after three days, that's when I pulled young Chuck here aside and I said, hey, this is what we're going to do. And he's been gung-ho ever since. To be fair, to be fair, Doug invites me to the house and then he just leaves. Oh, wait, wait. Hang on.

Invites is a very strong word. This is Chuck's first time. I think we've talked about him a little bit on a podcast, but this is the intern. You know what? When we go to break, I'm going to pull up the emails from Chuck over a course of months, like Fight Club, where we made him wait on the veritable porch for days

to make sure he was going to be a member of Fight Club. And when he was still standing, I then invited him. I'm wrong with the invite, but I got there. I was there for four hours, and then you just left town. I'm in your guest house. All I know that I've been tasked with without overstepping my boundaries is walking the dog. No one's told me how to do anything else. that I've been tasked with without overstepping my boundaries is walking the dog.

No one's told me how to do anything else. I was not going to walk in your house until I talked to Greg. All right. Well, that pans out. And then I snubbed him for 48 hours. Well, no. Because I wanted to see what he would do. Gump said he wouldn't go into the main house because he thought that was sacrosanct.

And you said, ah, Gump's lying about that. Or someone did. No, Gump said, you can do the dishes, but don't put them away. He's particular the way they go back up. And it's like, wait, but then no one would ever have anything to drink out of in the fucking fun house because we do dishes every day and they get put back. Yeah, another bullshit fucking thing.

Yeah, he told me that Doug had a very particular way of Where each dish went And like, don't put them away Don't shit on Gump right now because That's somewhat true You know, when I come home and I fucking rage Olivia Grace is on The Chad Shank mic

Chad is very angry, we didn't invite him up But we didn't know we were going to do these podcasts Sorry Chad, Olivia Grace is in the And she's Chad is very angry we didn't invite him up, but we didn't know we were going to do these podcasts. Sorry, Chad. Olivia Grace is in the... And she's noticed that my morning tantrums, but I always smile at her afterwards to let her know this is just what I do. But I do. I'll come back from the road and go, where's the fucking... Who's putting the fucking corn on the cob dishes up in the top shelf?

They go down here. How would anyone know where corn on the cob dishes go? You barely use them. Unless they used all four. There's probably just one. Point being, yes, I would have thrown a fucking tantrum.

It would take three seconds for a monkey to figure out where a fucking dish went in the two cupboards you use. Okay? This is not high-level fucking thinking. Yeah, but he's not a high-level thinker. Remember that.

Listen, we're not putting fucking Charles in charge of fucking putting dishes in the right place. He's got more skills, bigger ideas. Did you have an issue when you came home where I put the dishes? No, I don't remember where I put the dishes. Figure it out. You're right, Greg.

We got 16 minutes left. Yeah, we're watching the countdown of the recumbent bike for Homestretch. And we are here at the Homestretch Foundation. They shut down for the summer. We took over. We're trying to be polite. Don't gump it up. don't gump up the home stretch that's your first job going back to bisbee we're in tucson charles is going down to bisbee to take

over what gump could have done and the first thing he's going to have to do is clean up Gump's mess. You're moving into where Gump was staying. And yeah, he left like a motorcycle on the porch. Broken down dirt bike. Broken down dirt bike and a weed eater, a gas-powered weed eater that I'm pretty sure doesn't work. I did see him use a weed eater once, last monsoons. After the monsoon. I saw him weed eating. That belongs to someone?

I don't know. Well. I talked to, did I say this? I think I said this last night on the podcast. My conversation with Gump that ended with

he's back in Mississippi. He says, I gotta go. I gotta go wash my feet before my sister gets here. One job, Gump. And he wasn't kidding. So whose idea was it that you become the intern?

Well, Doug wants to review the emails, but it was mine. Drunken day in March, I sent him an email, and he goes, what, are you going to carry the mic for me? And I said, no. You know what? Let's just go to break right now. I want to pull this up. I'll pull up the emails.

Yeah, we'll do that. Cocktails. I got it. Oh, what's that? It's not a thing anymore, I guess. Hi, I'm Doug Stanhope. Because of our podcast, the Doug Stanhope Podcast, every year hundreds of stray people show up at my house,

and then it's up to me to provide them with food, vodka, and sometimes love so we can get them out of my house. Conversely, every week tens of thousands of you download the doug stanhope podcast and don't kick in a nickel leaving me alone to foot the bill for all these strays that you've helped me create so why don't you follow the link to our patreon page and uh help share the burden. And we'll keep putting out quality content every week, as well as bonus content for you. Anything you can contribute would be great. Go to patreon.com slash stanhopepodcast.

Patreon is the useless merch of the future. Cheap pricks. All right, we're back. We both pulled up the feed. So Chuck will be... This was the email interaction between you two that was the start of this. So Chuck will be reading the role of Chuck

and I will be reading my responses. Because I was... We get a lot of these and we've talked about them on the podcast, but this was one where I was really intrigued with fucking with him. Well, it started a while ago, and then all of a sudden another email came in. Okay, we're going to go to it. But you were helping to make it happen.

Yeah, I scroll through our previous conversations, and I go, oh, all right. Yeah, I still want to fuck with you because you're relentless. All right. Chuck, read your first email. Monday, March 4th, 7.56 a.m. Hello, Stan Hope team. Still awake. Not early risers.

That's correct. That is correct. Oh, by the way, Olivia, you've talked to Chuck close up. Did I tell you exactly what he's going to do with his mouth the teeth grinding go for 10 hours on Adderall your fucking tongue is chalk white and you did this to me

I'm guessing you took some Adderall for this trip every time I drive sir yeah and you can't control your jaw that's a 7 hour drive it was 8 and I was going fast overnight And you can't control your jaw. That's a seven-hour drive. It was eight?

Eight, seven. And I was going fast. Yeah. Overnight. Just saying. I told her she's going to be on Adderall, so he's going to do this weird mouth thing if it creeps you out. It's only the first day. You're fine after that.

Okay. Here's the first email March 4th. Hello, Stanhope team. I saw the recent news of the tour, and I must say I'm stoked for you guys, and will certainly see your show in SoCal. As of this moment, I find myself in a unique position of being unemployed and not giving a shit about it.

The past three months of interviewing with many different sized companies has made me realize until we have another epic recession, I don't want to work for any of them. I would like to apply for an internship role for this upcoming tour i've got a brand new suv that needs some miles and all i seek for compensation is a new experience i'm 37 single and have no commitments i dabble in comedy here and there and below you'll find a link to my set last night i have no aspirations to become a comedian i just like talking shit if something like this would be of interest, please give me a shout. I have a question really quick.

My set last night, so did you wait until you taped a set that you liked to send it the next day to Doug? No, I had a really good abortion joke that I liked that I had in my life. Yeah, because we're trying to keep you vaguely anonymous otherwise i would have chaley put that set on this podcast it's fucking terrible charlie oh no it is awful there's no doubt about it but i did like that joke joke was fun so i i respond i'm wrapped with curiosity to exactly what you imagine you would be doing with this internship. That's almost akin to saying you want to be an assistant to a karaoke singer. What would your job be?

Carry the mic? Turn my notebook pages while I eat? Or feed me while I turn my notebook pages? Seriously, I'm curious. In my eight years in financial services, one of my favorite times of year was intern season. I believe I was witness to many of these young lads' first disappointment in life when expectations didn't meet reality. After weeks and multiple interviews for a highly coveted unpaid internship, only to find out due to financial regulations, licensing,

etc., they'd be filing documents for three months and picking up lunch for the team. The only exception would be the Chinese. They're fucking robots. I'm 37 and well aware an internship is just corporate speak for free labor. That's why I lobbed the word. I presume I would be a monkey, get you cigarettes, move the car, go get the mail, etc. And when it comes to flipping merch, my friend, that's where I'd add the most value.

I'm from the burbs of Chicago, and I've never met a stranger. I never graduated college, despite it being paid for by Uncle Sam. I still got my college money for my time served as I found a flaw in the system, which still exists to this day. They say you can only receive comp for one class, i.e. I found that if you receive comp for one class you've completed, just drop it two to three weeks prior, no repercussions. How did I figure this out? By taking a chance and just doing it.

To get back to your question, I presume I'd be like a pop star roadie, following orders just like 20 years ago, minimal interaction with the talent but still part of the experience i'm available anytime for a chat and hell would be more than inclined to drive out to arizona i'm bored man all right so before we go to my response to that i have a question about this uh the the the grift in the system i i'm uh can you explain that so with the gi bill if you go to take what's the gi bill uh if you're a veteran so you get college funding okay so all these teachers at the community college level in california are lazy as fuck so they all have the same lesson plan throughout

all of the colleges so i took speech 101 at la valley college, Santa Monica College, East Los Angeles Valley College, all of them. And I would just drop two weeks prior to get the W, but I'd get my money while I was still doing it throughout. So I actually almost exhausted 80% of it. I think I have 40 credits. It's all the same fucking class. But college is a fucking –

Oh, because if you take the class and then drop it, you get to withdraw the W, then you can take it again, and they can't get it. You already took this class. Yep. So they wouldn't catch on as long as you got a W. You probably crushed in that class, too.

Oh, yeah. No, dude. Is this illegal? I'm sure there's a statute of limitations. Fuck them. Dude, I did two deployments. I made 12 cents an hour for four years. They can pay me.

We are down to six minutes, Doug. It hasn't moved. But if they're smart bidders, they wait till the very end. I'm giving you a... So it closes with minimal

interaction with the talent which you've already exceeded. I'm available anytime for a chat and hell i'd even be inclined to drive out to az and here you are i wrote back i still can't imagine you imagine uh that's my typo i still can't imagine what you imagine the road is like i fly into a town i go to a hotel in which I sit until the show. I talk for an hour and then go back to the hotel. I repeat this until I fly home. Presuming you're paying your own travel, I guess you could stay at the same hotel

to get me cigarettes once a day, but otherwise I don't see how that could be worth your while. Charles responds. Boy, I'm a little wordy. Sorry, man. You write three sentences, I write back a fucking novel. I used your Asian tour, March Madness, as an excuse for a solo

vacation in Thailand or Vietnam. I was in a six-year relationship. And I also stayed at the Caravelle. Okay, let's just cut there to explain to people. You uh when i was in 2018 i was i did that southeast asia so you came to not one but two gigs both in bangkok and vietnam yeah so the i was in bangkok for a week and i was just like fucking bored out of my mind so i just flew to vietnam didn't know i needed a visa i was just gonna stay there for one day see your show i had fucking eight hours at the airport but uh yeah i ended up getting

to see the vietnam show as well all right so continue because you also ended up seeing olivia and i in la right after that ended i think i bought that ticket like those went on sale in like january i had that before the asian thing out. But I was like, yeah, I needed a vacation. Stay in hopes. And I'm like, sorry, honey. Can you get three weeks off? No. Oh, too bad.

All right. Let's get back to this. You were at the Caravelle. Caravelle was the hotel in Vietnam? Caravelle was Vietnam. All right. So I wrote, I, just like the interns that used to parade through my old office, was filled with high hopes of getting hammered with Doug, but learned through the Magners

Irish kid that exact routine you're explaining below of staying in the room, not going out. Magners was the sponsor. Yeah. So I guess that's a producer. And it was the opening act. Yeah. I saw you in Vietnam, Bangkok, and LA. I know it was a similar set, but I was able to bring a new friend each time.

Either way, I'm a fan, not a fanatic, and this is the first time I've really got to say hi. I completely agree that going on the road to get you cigarettes is not quite what I envision. In fact, I don't envision interacting with you much. This is about the collective and the team. I think it would be amazing to be a part of it. Either way, I'll be at your L.A. show whenever you announce the dates. I've got enough dough to carry me through September, It would be amazing to be a part of it. Either way, I'll be at your LA show whenever you announce the dates. I've got enough dough to carry me through September,

but I've got four days in Vegas for the opening weekend of the NCAA. I'm not sure what city we'll be or when, but I feel I could help Greg with the merch. Let me know and I'll be there. Idle Time Breeds Crime is my 100-year-old grandma who's still kicking, which she always used to tell me that, just looking for something new to do uh and i'll just cut in before i get to my response uh that you uh when you did finally come out you did go to her 100th birthday when you had to leave immediately after i left you immediately you also had to leave we'll get to that all right so this is in the same all in the same day i go there won't be any merch i'm just doing some dates to relearn the stuff from last year to film it at the end of may

so it'll be a rusty version of the same shit save your ticket money for when i come back with new stuff later in the year you respond totally understand it's a bit of a light duty tour however through this correspondence, you strike me as the dude that helps everyone move and never asks for help in return. I'll be around should your needs change. I've got an 18 Ford Escape with no miles on it that's due for a road trip.

Take care, dude. Yeah, and you put 18 Ford Escape, meaning 2018, but you put the apostrophe after it, so it just reads 18-foot Ford Escape. Oh, wow. I didn't even know. I had that up for probably 36 hours at that point as we did carry on into the morning.

Yeah, this is all in one morning. Now it's 1153 on that same morning. I said, never put your hand. Oh, I went and I looked at your set. He sent you a link. Yeah. Is it just audio or is it video? It's video too.

Oh, wow. Because he said, never put your hand in your pocket on stage. Nothing telegraphs lack of confidence more. And for God's sakes, you're a 37-year-old man wearing a baseball hat sideways? Not anymore, you won't. Thanks for participating in my unsolicited comedy class. I have yet to wear a hat on

stage ever since even though now it's already... Yeah, you've been doing it since we've been... It's a nervous tick. Alright, is that... Oh wait, no, there's... No, you have one more. I do?

Yeah, it says, that's more advice than I've gotten in my eight months of open mics. Thank you, Doug. And since I don't know how to use eBay and got fucked at the last minute. Oh, at the last minute. 30 seconds up. 32 seconds. Wow. Fucking serendipity.

Synchronicity. No, synchronicity. So you want to say the price that it's at right now? It's at $3,200. And we've got 22 seconds to go. The winner, actually, that offer still stands. The winner, if they ride the bike to Bisbee, they get to stay at the Funhouse.

Come to the Funhouse, be a podcast guest, stay the night in the guest house, get the fuck out. There will be no breakfast. Five seconds. Yeah, it's going to fucking end at 32. Nope. Come on. Yep.

Ended, 3,200. All right. It's about what we spent on it. All right. Well, thank you, winner. We'll get back to that on another podcast. All right. This is Chuck responding back to that same... At at 141 p.m that all the same

day and since i don't uh know how to use ebay and get fucked at the last minute on the several items i did bid on in that last yard sale this email is getting framed i wanted that packer pop-off jersey so bad have an awesome tour and despite your, I'll be buying tickets to LA or Vegas show when the dates are announced. Thanks again, man. And that ended it until two months later. Two months. May 1st. Another all-nighter.

This is 9.39 a.m. Mr. Stan Hope and team, it's been a few months since our last correspondence, and I'm fairly certain you could have used a guy like me in Cincinnati I could have called the Uber Gotten the cigarettes Ensured the cell phones were properly charged Making copies of keys, etc All while ensuring the drunks and fans

Sometimes both Were at a distance I would like to reapply for the unpaid internship That we spoke of in March I'm available now for immediate assignment and could officially report as soon as this evening chad chaley or another member of your team can order me around and like i've stated before i've got an suv that we could fill up with whatever you want for this upcoming socal leg i'm aware that at any time my unpaid internship can be terminated

as it really doesn't exist and i not only have to prove myself or prove my keep i have to make it i'm financially secure now and will not now nor ever require reimbursement for anything my compensation is experience and escape from boredom chuck well you know what the selling point in that was olivia huh i am financially sound yeah i don't need anything i can pay my own fucking way and he emailed this during a moment in the funhouse where there's a million people asking me a million fucking different questions and can you look at this and can you do that and when can we talk about this and i can't do all this shit. And I read this email. I go, you know what?

Fuck it. Chaley would say no. But I think I'm just going to fucking call this guy. What's the worst that can happen? I was sitting in the funhouse with you. I did not say no. I said, yeah, do it. Which was uncharacteristic for me.

But you were in a weird mood. You were like... I was overburdened. Yeah, but still you were up and you're like, I'm doing this. I'm like, yeah, what could go wrong? That's what I said. Well, he put it in that... Listen, this is not going to work twice, listener.

But yeah, he said, I get it. If you tell me to beat feet, I'm fucking gone. Don't need a fucking penny. Got it. And he's got a background. And so I called him with a blocked number. I have the message. Oh, you have the message?

Oh, okay. Go, go. Even if it ended here i was fucking it was awesome but uh i still listen to this all the time because i find it hilarious hey charlie sometimes when opportunity knocks it blocks its phone number. And hope. I get that. I'm jumping up and down. I'm like, what the fuck?

What the, oh my, are you fucking kidding me? And then, hang on, let me go up because then I said, after I left that message, I go, oh, now I'm just waiting for the email. And he writes back, I don't know how many O's that is, Olivia, but I don't need your reading glasses for that. He goes, No! Please, Mr. Stanhope, one more call.

I thought it was a bill collector. So when I talk to him, the first thing I go is, if you're financially secure, why are you worried about bill collectors well I explained that California is a debtor state and I know my rights and you know he had his answer

he was ready so I said alright be here tomorrow and he I said yeah if you leave LA at 4am you'll beat the traffic I don't know if you I asked you if you leave L.A. at 4 a.m., you'll beat the traffic. I don't know if you've – I asked you if you drink. Yes, yeah, what I drink. Well, I asked because I go, well, I wouldn't – I'm not telling you to leave at 4 a.m.

That's what I'd do because you don't want to leave tonight if you drink because you're going to be drunk at night because I'm drunk every night. So I assume anyone who would want to hang out with me is probably a drunk. I think he'd already been drinking. Well, I certainly have. But I just went to my doctor, refilled the Adderall prescription, and got on the road. Showed up a little early. He said, yeah, all right. So that means I'll be there around 3 or whatever.

I was waiting. And then at 7 a.m., my phone rings. I'm 10 minutes away. When you called me this morning, I went to bed at 4, and you called early. I go, what, you're out front now? I can't fucking talk yet. You go, no, I'm two hours away. Okay, I can deal with two hours.

So Olivia and I went and got some breakfast and a margarita. I did say, do you think he's leaving tonight? And it was unanimous. I made sure I had beers and stayed at a friend's house because otherwise i would have been like fuck it let's get on the road but uh i actually did not get on the road till four but i started from brea not north hollywood oh nice okay a head start okay oh tonight but that night you got there at seven in the morning yeah well my car said it was mountain time so i'm like, it's not too early.

But I did give you an out. I texted you and I said, look, I'll go play around Bisbee. I know this is early. And you still... No, I can't go to bed with that kind of fucking guilt in my head. You're already up. Yeah, so, yeah. You assimilated in Bisbee.

I had a great time. You've helped Chuckleheads get underway. Hey, you ironed out a landlord issue, a tenant landlord issue. Yeah, the long-haired guy with the guns. He hands me a business card for real estate and guns, and I'm busting his balls about it. He thought I was an attorney because I called him, and I was like, I'm representing Mr. Anonymous.

And talk through. I want to do a walkthrough. And I just did the same shit I did when I would break leases in L.A. Anyway, but this guy scared the shit out of me because he was just some lazy guy that had grandkids and just didn't want to deal with it. Everyone in Bisbee is a lazy guy with grandkids. And scary. And I was like, dude, just pay the fucking $700 that you're trying to fight for. This isn't worth it.

Someone's going to die. Which was, that was solid advice. So give us some of your background. I know it's financial shit. No, I'm from Chicago. I joined the military. And then when I got out of the military, I ended up- What branch?

I was in the Navy for four years from 99 to 03. What'd you do? I was a secretary. I was a fucking accountant. Secretary of the Navy? That's a big fucking position. He's like radar. No, no.

So I knew that. I knew I was getting the fuck out. Sign here. Sign here. Sign here. Sign here. That's exactly what I did. So after like one day in, was like i'm getting out and

after doing that for a while i was like dude i can't do four years of this shit and be like the craziest thing i did was make someone an id card so i fucking joined uh i signed up for this vbss team where we would board ships when i was on deployment so then i actually had like three months of like combat stories, which was really just not. I got to mace a guy from Greece. I was the little guy on the team and he was busting balls. Fucking stand back, sir. But what does VBSS stand for?

Visit, board, search and seizure. So we have we had sanctions on Iraq from the first Gulf War where they couldn't export oil or import things without us fucking going and searching through it. Yeah, yeah. So a lot of the Russians and Greeks were like, fuck you guys. Are you stopping us in the middle of the ocean? So these guys, this guy was being a dick. But that's like fucking chemical warfare, right? So not only did I do that, but we're climbing down the –

You really know how to fucking embellish your resume. I didn't put that – I was involved in chemical warfare. It was war crime. I'm a war criminal. Yeah. Hold on a second. Let's not discount the fact that you could die.

You could be in some serious shit like boarding a vessel. Yeah, no. We had two kids die right after we had turned over. We did boardings for three months, and we just had it on autopilot. We knew how to fuck with it, and we turned it over, and they weren't paying attention. What these guys would do once they were detained is they would try and scuttle the ship because they knew Americans aren't going to fucking let them die. Yeah.

So two of our guys were in the engineering space, so two guys died. As they basically sunk. They scuttled their own ship sunk the guys who the guys who own the ship that you boarded they sunk it and your two of your members were down below yeah yeah so the day after doing this for three months we turned it back over to those guys and then it was just like dude i was like fucking told you no seriously like check all the spaces don't be fucking nice these guys aren't your friends whatever but it was um yeah it was a fucking crazy experience we took down one ship that was owned by bin laden but it was they'd

already had changed hands 20 times but it had carried the explosives to blow up the kobar towers in like 95 so the seals went on and took them down first and then they brought us on to do the inspection where everyone's all wrapped up and Here's my one good war story. As I walk in, what they call the salon is where they eat. They call that the salon. Like a galley? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the Navy, they call it a salon. Yeah, right? They get their hair done while they're eating. Probably, but only on submarines. Easy on the cuticles. These fuckers have all these guys lying down on the ground, palms out, and they're playing Barney music and acting like, I love you, you love, and they're walking around,

stepping on them, fucking looking for cell phones. Fucking Lindy. Who's got the fucking cell phones? Who's got the cell phones? And it was one kid pops up his hand. He's like, I have he's like i have to piss i have to have to use the bathroom so i'm like go ahead go so he gets up and they fucking as he starts to walk towards the door they hit him with an asp like a like a baton like you see

it go go and then i saw like a 15 year old indian kid piss himself and then i was like you know what fuck this like that's when i like completely tapped out out of just the whole bullshit. Wow, have you talked to AJ yet? Was he a SEAL or something? No, he oversaw a lot of interrogations of kids. That's the only thing I said. He's also on disability because of it. Dude, two of the guys from my team are 100% service-connected. I started to go down that road to do that,

and then I realized for the VA I'd have to literally become fucking insane to get the qualification and I was like I'm not willing to do it. What's service-connected mean? That's when you get for like PTSD it's where you'll get a disability payment from the VA and for me it just wasn't worth it because I'm fucking that was nuts before I started like I'm already you know that didn't change too much but they say a lot about PTSD is that if you don't establish coping mechanisms when you're a child you can't handle that type of shit so if you have a tough childhood those are the people that manifest in more often yeah um and I had a decent childhood so it wasn't I don't know I was fine I was like fuck that Greek guy I turned out great and that's why

fuck that Greek guy my parents hugged me my parents hugged me so Statopopulus is going down that's the only three months of that shit and then

then back to doing fucking paperwork delayed entry did you sign up delayed entry yeah so I signed up when I was 17 and then you can't ship until you're? Did you sign up delayed entry? Yeah, yeah. So I signed up when I was 17, and then you can't ship until you're 18 or you have to turn 18 in boot camp.

Yeah. And I tell kids now because I know the system. It's like, dude, that first fucking time you raise your hands, that's all bullshit. You can fucking – that doesn't mean anything. It's until you show up and you do 180 days. Otherwise, it's an entry-level SEP. You never existed. So if you hate the military, folks – In the first 180 days. But if you're close, they'll fucking hold you do 180 days. Otherwise, it's an entry-level sep who never existed. So if you hate the military, folks.

In the first 180 days. But if you're close, they'll fucking hold you to 181 so you can get a general or whatever. But the whole dishonorable shit, no one gets a dishonorable unless you murder your family. I don't want to go down this fucking road. And we're not. I'm going back to you.

But this is one of the things i thought of when that whatever chick came out about moby and moby has a new biography where he said is it natalie portman uh he's some famous chick that he dated when she was 19 but she said i never dated him he was this old creepy guy that was coming on to me and i was only 19 like i wasn't even yeah i mean i've had these conversations with bertine and she's like well when like someone who's that age like late 20s they're not fully you you have to you know but at the same time you can fucking die for your country signed up at 17 before you can buy cigarettes you can sign up for the military you just can't go till you but you know you we get your signature fuck face this is what happened to my brother he did delayed entry as a geek to be a marine so he wasn't a geek anymore and in that

year he was in a band he started getting pussy he's like fuck i signed that paper but he didn't want to look like a coward by saying well now, no, his signature legally doesn't count. Correct. So you can back up, but they have you by the fucking ego balls. There you go. And it's all the same system. Like if I'm putting a hand up and taking an oath, it's the first step in a fucking manipulative fucking process throughout. And as you go to get out after four years, tell you you're not gonna fucking make anything in your i said i'd rather be in the park

fucking begging for change than do another goddamn day of this routine like that's uh that was when i was running for president that was one of my things okay if you support the troops give them a beer like you should be able to drink i mean it's a's an old, like, cliche. Well, if they can die for their country, why do they have to, you know, be 21 to have a legal cocktail? That was going to be one of my platforms. I get the military on my side right away. You would. Like, it was fucking crazy because I wouldn't be able to drink in San Diego, and then we'd pull into fucking— Is that where you trained?

Cabo. Uh-huh. Great Lakes. But then San Diego was where my duty station was. So Tijuana's right there. So go get fucking hammered in Tijuana from 18 to 21. Five bucks all you can drink. Club A.

Mysteries. Safari. We had an apartment down there. 200 bucks, four of us. Nothing in there other than a couple of air mattresses. But yeah, Tijuana was fun. it's not fun anymore those were the days build a wall to keep us out uh well yeah that's uh that brings you to that brings you to i'm a little long-winded

no that's what you're here for but then i tried the college thing and i realized i was smarter than everyone because like it just it was just a fucking joke. It was like high school classes, and it was a formality, so I figured out how to get the money from it. But then I was working full-time, doing it at night, multiple community colleges, getting shit rolling in. Wait, you're out of the military now? Yeah.

Wait, in one semester, you were enrolled in the same class in different community colleges? And that was in LA. Yeah. So this was San Diego still. So that one I didn't quite push the system. But I was learning the system. You did four years in the military.

Correct. Then you get out. And now you're milking the GI Bill. Now I'm milking the GI Bill. But this is where I realized that it was all a formality. And I'm like, I'm going to find that third door. And I fucking wanted to be a sports agent. So I flew down to San Antonio to see the Senior Bowl,

because Tom Brady came from that, Drew Brees, all these. And I'm like, I'm going to go rub shoulders with fucking sports agents, figure out a way to hack the system, get someone to like me, hire me, whatever. I end up meeting a financial advisor, and I knew fucking nothing about finance. I hated math. And he ends up referring me to the beverly hills merrill lynch office i go in for an interview and my resume shows like types 43 words a minute fucking board ships i didn't even know what i was doing and the director like this managing

director of all of la is looking at he starts turning red it's like how the fuck did you get in here what do you know about being a financial advisor i said i think i said la tabla rosa the empty slate i'm like you fill it in you can train me so i still kind of had a swagger about me so i'm there for eight fucking hours he's got me sitting at people's desks and i'm like dude i fucking got this job i got this so i'm dating a chick i'm like let's go to vegas we go and get married because i assumed fucking got this job. I got this. So I'm dating a chick. I'm like, let's go to Vegas. We go and get married because I assumed I got the job at Merrill. How old am I?

24 or whatever. And fucking nothing one week, nothing second week, nothing third week. I'm like, fuck, maybe I didn't get it. So I sent a follow-up email six weeks later. So you got into the same way you got into interning. Dude, this felt years the same way you got into interning for Doug. Dude, this felt the exact same way. So a year later,

I fucking had a really crafty email that I sent to the managing director and I told him, I was like, I pretended I was working for Ameriprise,

but I wasn't. It was like another financial institution. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, look, I said, I didn't understand what I had in front of me before.

Right now I'm playing for the Marlins, but I want to play for the Yankees. So he fucking replies back to that. I go in, set an appointment, go in for another interview. But I'd gotten a little fat from the fucking marriage and shit. And I go in there, as one does. And everything's pressed this and that, but I didn't have a jacket on. in there as one does and i wouldn't everything's pressed this and that but i didn't have a jacket to quote some 80s comic yeah the the race is over take off the uniform or something to that effect the getting fat in a relationship no so i i show up to the interview with you know nice shirt nice

but no jacket and i walk into his office and he goes where's your jacket i'm like uh oh i got fat since the last time you saw me i don't have one because go fucking marshalls he's like buy a suit make another appointment with annette like he liked me because i had balls to to make the so i go back but you weren't really working for another company were you a prize yeah no like white lie okay white it's like It's like white collar crime. It's fucking crime. No, I sold them an advertising thing. I was selling websites door to door, knocking on door, fucking trying to talk to you about

web advertising and fucking SEO optimization. Yeah. Dude, I can do anything at about an 80% level. You never get to 100%. I'm not good at anything i'm fucking but i can do gump couldn't cover the other 20 20 gumps couldn't cover the other 20 so so you're the guy likes you you go out and get a jacket i go out get the jacket go back walking he's like you're not going to be a financial advisor for three to five years it's like but i got a job for you

i'm all sweet floors i'll do whatever you know that yeah we read the email started so we uh i end up within six months of being there i'm fucking someone from the another team brings me on i become an advisor i break off from them i start doing my own thing but now i'm a kid with that comes from like blue collar i got no, I'm trying to figure out how to gather assets. I look much younger. So I would just hang out at like hotel bars and just try and strike up conversation. I closed fucking deals at the airport bars, just being bubbly and like.

Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Yeah, yeah. Al Pacino and Jonathan Price at the bar at Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Have you seen that movie? Do you know what story structure is? All right. But yeah, it just just all i did was like acid like i would just broker the deal out and i felt like a fucking asshole like i like why am i charging these people i'm not even doing anything

i don't even know anything about investing like uh but you're selling them financial products yeah but like a company that you do work for i'm just brokering them that's all the financial services industry is, is asset allocation at a fucking 30% premium. Go get a robot. It's 15 basis points. Done. But I didn't feel good about the job,

so I still had it for eight years. Is it because you lied your way in? Or lied your way during? Well, no, that never was. I was charging the clients that did trust me and i you know just too much of a fee and that was i was bringing it down to the minimum and i just i just fucking never felt good about that gig but i had gotten all this money on autopilot so now i'm a degenerate gambler making fucking 150k a year but like a 40k a year guy

and just the money comes in every month like fucking all I do still married the whole time no I divorced her in like 09 she was slowing down my career your quote unquote career

so how many years were you married uh fuck I don't know I don't probably three or four but like we only lived together

for two yeah oh I thought you were married when you went in the service no I didn't marry a Brazilian in the service. I think the statute of limitations is up on that. It's fucking bullshit.

Some guy from... Some gump guy comes in with a wife and he gets double the pay? No. So I found a hack in that system. My brother did the same thing. Yeah. Yeah, you can live off base in San Diego, Oceanside. It's the exact same thing.

Yeah. I got lucky, though, because it was still two years for a green card. And then 9-11 happened, and they changed everything. But I had one fucking interview, and the guy that interviewed us at INS used to be on my ship. He didn't even ask me her parents' name or anything. He was just talking about the old ship that I was on. Remember that Greek guy you blinded? Right?

That was fun so wait you get more money if you got a wife in the military yeah yeah yeah and you can live off base yeah yeah i was like tired of living on the ship like it was fucking awful so one got a dope apartment and then i eventually i was like you know we need to consummate this marriage we're gonna have an interview at some point. I came home hammered, and that's how I closed for the first time. We ended up dating. After you got married? Turns out she's an all right gal. Oh, no, she was awful. She punched me.

She's Brazilian. But I just thought my parents knew. That's a Muay Thai punch. I thought my parents knew, and I was fucking drunk a couple years back and i go mom you don't know that's my that was my second marriage and they're like devout catholics i'm like no no camila and i were married she's like what it hurt somehow i don't know i don't know that's not cool but uh so that's finance the story of how finance ended for me i you were at the same company for eight years.

No, I ended up taking a check to go move to fucking... But I can't talk about that. Yeah, you shouldn't even be mentioning these fucking company names. No, but I'll tell you guys offline. It's fucking hilarious. Then I was out of work for three years, and then I got into software sales, working for startups, until that fucking ran its course.

We were talking about a lot of shit that we could not talk about on the podcast before the podcast, which is the general save it for the podcast, we always say. Tell me something that we can't talk about on the podcast. And we were so entrenched in that that when we started podcasting, that's all my head was about. But Charles has plenty of stories. I don't think we're out of them yet. I think he's got a couple more wives in there. I might. I don't know.

I'm not sure. I put it on the last one to make the divorce official. Yeah, I don't know. I don't give a shit. Marriage is a formality. It's a fucking contract. Dude, I'll do it again. Whatever. I don't have any money. If I have assets, I'll think about it.

When you don't have anything, it gives a shit. Yeah, when you put that in your whatever you call that you sent me, your job. The resume? Yeah. Hey, I'll do this for nothing. I'll pay my own way. I'll spend money out of my own pocket to work for you. Yeah, you're probably not going to have assets soon.

Well, no. Like, here's probably not going to have assets soon. Well, no, I put complete faith into the universe and I was running out of money back in March and I won an office pool and that was play money

but there were 9,800 play dollars that kicked the can down the road because not only did Virginia win but I needed that fucking shot.

I needed the over and it was just, I was just like, like dude god wants me to just just ramble on in term a little less atheist yes this is where we start to believe yeah you're so positive i love it well there's only dude when you've been kicking the can down the road for this long and it just keeps working out like you keep falling forward yeah you keep kicking the can don't't change anything, right? Keep that same PMA.

No, no, no. Just keep going. Yeah. We're just going until it's time to go back to work. Fearless take on life. You were telling me earlier something that horrified me. Do you remember that? Oh, the frog?

Yeah. What? Well, you were saying you- Chaley hasn't heard this. Yeah. You were talking about frog- Chuck was telling you about- Yes. Okay talking about... Chuck was telling you about... Yes.

Okay. Yeah, Chuck was telling me about frog poison, right? And I thought that that was the Thai equivalent of rat poison. Well, have we set up the fact that he's going to... Should we not? No, no. You're a lady? No.

You have a gal pal? Oh, she got fired the first day. She was replaced when she showed up to the airport. Wait, by you or her job? Oh, she got fired the first day. She was replaced when she showed up to the airport. Wait, by you or her job? So when you did come here, you were here for a week where I disappeared, left you with Gump trying to figure out what the fuck you're supposed to do. We straightened it out. Well, you also realized, well, I have to leave for my grandmother's 100th birthday in Chicago.

realized well I have to leave for my grandmother's 100th birthday in Chicago and then I also have a ticket I bought to fly back to Thailand because I have a girlfriend in Thailand and he said I'll just change the dates on that but it turns out it was going to be more money to

change it. I started giving him shit going like what kind of fucking intern are you? You show up for a week, your boss leaves in two days and you're stuck here and now you're just leaving and then i realized wait he could lose some serious money here and i go don't just go on the trip don't you know of course the grandmother turned 100 but i was like i tried to give him shit at first but then i realized it's going to cost more to change the ticket because he got a really good deal he does a hennigan thing where he finds these ferrets out

a really good deal and a hotel and everything and it was going to cost him more to change the ticket because he got a really good deal. He does a Hennigan thing where he finds these ferrets out a really good deal and a hotel and everything, and it was going to cost him more to change the ticket than the whole thing would have been. So you went back to see your Thai girlfriend who didn't really speak much English and was upset that you were going to be living in Bisbee, Arizona on a moment's notice. So you went back, and then she shows up at the airport with fucking 10 of her co-workers i've been flying for 18 hours and then they take me immediately to their bar and they're like no no everyone wants to see you no everyone wants me to buy them a fucking drink

so right away i'm getting shook down and i was like look that was strike one and then the other thing when i left i said look if you fuck anyone else I don't care just be honest and so then I caught her in a lie that she dude they do that shit for money over there fuck yeah but the idea that you would like fall for this anyway I know and then say be

honest with me they're little con artists they're the best like they'll figure out the long game the slow game like whatever they have to do. Wow, it sounds like you guys are perfect for each other. I thought I found a hack in the system by dating, like, a five or a six in Thailand that's my age as opposed to, you know, going for the 20, 22-year-old, whatever.

And now, same thing, just trying to, you know, I'm like, dude, I don't have a job. But, no, my water buffalo died. Same thing, just trying to, you know, I'm like, dude, I don't have a job. But no, my water buffalo died. Or there's a fucking picture of flooding from like eight years ago. Like my village is flooded or it's just a constant. Just there's always something. And the new one I'm talking to, like right away, she had to go in for some doctor's appointment.

Wait, is she one of the 10? Oh, no, no, no. We switched bars. That would be great. If you just went. All right. Yeah, we switched bars. I'm bars. That would be great. If you just went. All right. Yeah, we switched bars. I'm with your friend now.

I'll be honest with you. Is her water buffalo healthy? Thus far. She hasn't asked for anything yet, but she's building up a case of how she had to go get blood work. It's coming. It'll come while I'm here. Our whole relationship is just a Sarah McLaughlin commercial. Yeah. Dude, go date someone in Thailand.

That's what it is. Or date them all one at a time. But I did learn the interesting fact about Thailand is that I went to a village there

and unlike India, India sends the ugliest person from the village to come here and make money and like, you have a supermodel fucking grinded rice

and some, Thailand sends all the pretty people out of the village. It's like the opposite it was i'm too lazy to be a comic like i thought it was funny it could be a nostalgia or something but you're killing us oh dude it's fucking yeah i went to india before i was in the navy and it was like the people that get here are the fucking ugly ones that send money back because they don't want

to marry an... Like the women in India are the most beautiful women in the world. They just don't get to come here because they're scared they won't send money back to the village

and like marry Nick Cage. I want half, Eddie. All right. Maybe that's a deep track. Eddie Murphy. I want half. All right. Never mind. Why don't we Eddie Murphy. I want half. All right. Never mind.

Where were we at before this? It doesn't matter. We're wrapping this podcast up. There's plenty more Chuck to come. Yeah. Chuck. We'll talk about the Cambo frog poison. We'll get into that next time.

Oh, that's the story that... Yeah, yeah. Okay. We'll close on that. Go ahead. Tell us about the Cambodian frog poison. It's not Cambodian. So there's a,

the giant monkey tree frog is, it's a frog indigenous to the Peruvian-Brazilian border. And the locals there, they'll go tie him up and steal his secretion, like the poison that comes from him. And then you inject it into a burn.

But anyway, it makes you throw up. It's a complete lymphatic system cleanse. And you feel like a fucking million bucks for like six weeks and then you throw up it's a complete lymphatic system cleanse and you feel like a fucking million bucks for like six weeks and then you just do it again after like a good 30 day party I went out to smoke that sounds horrific

oh wait wait listen I go out to smoke and like I am if I wake up sober which Olivia did I'm still drunk from last night, so I'm running through. Olivia, sober,

and I left her alone with Chuck, knowing he's going to be fucking 80 hours off the road. Yeah, white-tongued on Adderall. Like the exact same frog he stole the poison from. And I come in, and I go, oh, fuck, I i left her she's just trying to eat her

breakfast and she can barely eat anyway she's one of every woman i know that seems to have a fucking eating disorder of some kind i just eating in the morning i have to like force myself to eat yeah no i sat through breakfast with you once yeah and uh and he's going on and i walk in and he's showing her video of the horrific vomits that someone goes through on someone he treated with this frog poison lymphatic cleanse of just a guy and she's sitting across from each other on a balcony with red buckets. She's just trying to eat something because she told me it's okay. Yeah, but you should probably not. I did say it was okay.

But what I thought, because you were like, you like pulled up something on your phone and you're like, oh, never mind. It's kind of gross. And I was like, no, I got a stomach for it. But I thought you were trying to show me the burns. And then I just hear gagging and vomiting as he turns his phone around. And I was like, well, a stomach for it but I thought you were trying to show me the burns and then I just hear gagging and vomiting as he turns his phone around and I was like well I did say it was okay I just didn't know exactly what it was but it's still interesting to hear about because

I was just like I lashed out at you and said it was a stupid idea because I'm so afraid of touching anything that could poison me through my skin and so you were describing my worst nightmare as though it would cure any ailment I may or may not have. Anything.

You asked him if you thought it would cure IBS. Oh, yeah. Irritable bowel syndrome. Chuck is not a doctor. That's just his opinion. My witch doctor. This comes from there. His witch doctor told him.

But on an upcoming episode, he'll tell us about the time he sent in a bogus resume, did surgery for four years. They found out and they didn't fire me. Chuck, it's going to be an interesting ride from here. Do you have other obligations that we should know about that you have to leave right away? None that I'm aware of. However, I did get cast and

promised that I would be on a game show. Oh, we have to talk. We'll save this because... Remember the Brechels? Yeah. Same game show. I want to know if it's the same booker. Oh yeah, you'll definitely get on because I wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and then they show up for the game show oh i want to know if it's the same uh booker oh yeah you'll definitely get on because

i wink wink nudge nudge and then they show up for the game show and like extras and they don't they don't uh they don't get on there is no deal to make they're good they're good background yeah they found out but they were wasted when they got there they they didn't pull that off i know but he had the same oh yeah no you're you're they're gonna call you up yeah i promise the same things but my costume is on point so okay okay tease did you bring it with you now it's it's uh well it's just i'm colin mcgregor and then i pull up my shirt and i have mcgregor written in sharpie like on my cousin's corner and like killed on ha Halloween. It'll work there. Alright.

That's a podcast. So, thank you for being here and we'll... Homestretch. Homestretch. Thank you at Homestretch FDN or FND. I can never remember.

Or you can go to homestretchfoundation.org. And please donate. Fucking donate to us. Fuck that. You know what? I'm tired of fucking doing... Derek's got a weird eye and cataracts and fucking women cyclists.

Donate to the podcast first and then see what's left in your pockets and pay that forward. Be a subscriber. Be a participant in this podcast continuing on go to patreon.com slash stanhope podcast and enter at any level we appreciate it yeah a fucking uh yeah sign up for a dollar i don't give a fuck uh thank you all right sorry guys no that's perfect exactly what you needed to do. Thank you.