The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #321: Eighth Day Shakes

Episode Date: July 3, 2019

Doug sets up a fitness intervention for himself at the Tanque Verde Ranch and attempts to convince everyone that he is not in any distress. Doug receives a shocking text and gives the details of another project within his current project. Thanks to all of the listeners who have supported the podcast  through our Patreon page - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Our first bonus podcast will be available to all Patreon subscribers this weekend. The bonus podcasts will only be available to those who have subscribed for the previous month. Thanks in advance.  - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastFall 2019 Tour Dates are on the way so join the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded June 27th, 2019 at the Tanque Verde Ranch in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Charlie the Intern (@CharlesCarter81), Kathryn Bertine (@KathrynBertine), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by www.DougStanhope.com/store -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/LINKS -Con-Nichiwa – comic book con in the same place - http://www.con-nichiwa.com/HomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I'm a fan. Alright, Coors Light or Bud Light? Bud Light. No head?

No, Coors Light. Perfect. The quiet woman. Coors Light is always the drink you're drinking when you don't want to get drunk. I like to be the talker. Yeah. Last call. Oh, nice.

Oh, that's real nice. Now you could actually just say you haven't had any drinks still. Yeah. Legally. Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir? Yeah, like nine Coors Lights. Oh, I mean, no. You sure? I mean, no. You sure you haven't drink tonight, sir? Yeah, like nine Coors Lights. Oh, I mean, no. You sure?

I mean, no. You sure you haven't been drinking, though? Charles, I tried to look up that expression you had in the Navy, because this is my day eight. Oh, the day eight shakes? Day eight shakes day eight shakes that's yeah i googled that because uh when you told me that that day uh on my drive home and nothing came up that's a navy expression yeah it's the eighth day out to sea uh usually the the hardcore drinkers you can see them because they're fucking shaking all around but it's oh that's interesting yeah because i mean and coupled with the pitching back and forth and then feeling uneasy that would be a mess i think in the hallway well

i mean there was prison uh you call like we call it prison wine where you'd find little bottled uh water filled with sugar and yeast or the condom on the top and they'd hide them in the rafters of the ship. Prison wine. Bruno. Yeah. So they'd make, those guys would drink that.

But yeah, for the most part, you know, when I'd go out to sea, I would just not drink and we'd all fucking suffer through day eight together. But the prison wine, that was maintenance. That wasn't like, oh, party tonight in my bunk. It was like just to stave off the eight day shakes. For some folks. Yeah. But there was some weird shit going on on an all-male fucking Navy ship.

Two in the morning. Hey, is that condom been used or just for wine? Hey, come on. I need to vent that beer. We had a similar thing in the Army, but we just called it PT, where you watched all the alcohol. It happened every day. 6.30 in the morning, you ran.

The coolest thing, I don't know why I'm thinking of this with this story, but is they integrated females onto our ship. And we had six female officers on the ship, and four of them were pregnant three months into the deployment. All enlisted guys. The enlisted guys got kicked out. The officers went and did admin duty somewhere or whatever. Where's that episode of Maury Povich? I watched that one. You are not.

Wait, hold on. All of you are the father. Wait, hold on. All of you are the father. Yeah, this is my day eight because I came down to Bisbee. I've been sequestered up here almost a month now in Tucson at the Homestretch Foundation with Catherine Bertine. And so, yeah, a week ago, Catherine had gone out of town for nine days. And so that exercise regimen, I was still boozing and smoking during all that early June exercise shit. And all you guys, you fucking assholes.

Oh, yeah, keep Stan Hope alive. You're acting like you're on top of me at a fucking accident scene doing CPR. You can't leave me now, motherfucker. Breathe. Breathe. We need you. I was doing fine. I was just boozing it up too much.

And then when she left, then we hit it even harder. And then I didn't do any exercise the whole time she was gone. So she came back with a fucking mission. And then we just went on like an hour-long hike. But there were two minor inclines if you're in a car, but on foot. No, those were big hills. They really were. You're kind of talking them down, but that was a hill.

You know the hill from – Actually, he's talking the opposite of what you said, big hills minor incline it's uh the the hill going to uphill kim and dave's yeah that's that's yeah that's the one of the highest peaks in bisbee yeah but from our house like the fact that we'll drive up there is embarrassing it's maybe 80 yards okay but it is quite steep so i get uh there was two of these and uh yeah i couldn't get any fucking wind like i'm out of breath and i'm not getting oxygen by hyperventilating and i after the second hill i just turned to her all right i'm just gonna turn over my cigarettes when we get home this is really fucking this is deadly i thought you were joking about that

yeah you did. Yeah, so. Wait, did he crush them or did he hand them to you? No, they're still sitting there. They're on the shelf. They're on the shelf. That's his thing, is if they're sitting there and still smokable, that's a better deterrent than if there were no cigarettes. Yeah.

Yeah. Right? I mean, that's what you've said in the past. Yep. And then, so you went back to this hill. We did this walk. By the way, this walk takes about an hour to do. And on your second time going up this same hill.

Well, yeah, it was last night or the night before last. End of June in Tucson. Right now, it's gone down from the 105 it was when we pulled in here. It was dusk. Yeah, you have to walk either very early or... No, she has to walk very early. I'm fucking great at a heat of the day. Yeah, she likes the heat.

Fucking love it. I just read an article the other day about somebody who liked walking in the heat of the day. It didn't turn out very well for him. Thank you for saying that, because I agree, it worries me a little bit too, but at least we're not going out into the middle of the desert where he can't be reachable.

We are in the middle of a desert. Right now. Yes. Yeah, but we're keeping him on these easier walks that are on pavement and nearby. You sound like the doctor that always butt in, like the 600-pound person. He's like, what we're doing is, I could do an Indian accent because that's the guy.

We're putting him on it. Dr. Nass or something. We are keeping it fun. Bertie and her team are watching him around the clock. I've always done the we thing. Like all the voices, the collective voices in my head are one entity. We have them working out now have you drawn up a lesson plan like do you have a goal to be in the next three weeks four weeks

like no 15 miles soon no because that's the kind of stuff where people i think will shire away from that thinking like oh it's planned it's regiment but so i give them a choice each day like hey what do you feel like do you want to do you want to hike do you want to swim do you want yoga do you want to cycle and we take a more of that approach to see what well she has to do shit every day she's like an alcoholic with fitness a little bit she'll get the shakes if she takes a day off all your choices were exercise related none of none of it was do you want to Netflix binge watch and be a piece of shit that is not not yet a sport. Well, he could make it an Olympics sport. Wait till I have home field advantage.

This is, hey, listeners, this is what we're going to do. When this is all said and done, we're going to put a Twitter poll up of what she has to do. Give her the choices? You're either smoke a pack of cigarettes you're gonna get drunk for the first time you're gonna do mushrooms for the first time or you're gonna do stand-up comedy game on game on if i'm making you do this fitness stuff then that's a fair pull you notice there was no bike ride option in that one. Oh, I noticed. I noticed. Yeah, you might want to get that biking out of the way first.

Wait, we have to talk about the cycling and the fact that that reached a lot of people. What you did. That was day two off the fags. Yeah. Right. So we took commuter bikes out for a spin. That's like regular bikes. A commuter bike is a regular bicycle.

It's not some high-end road bike. A beach cruiser? Yes, a beach cruiser. All right. And this one, the two that we have at home stretch have a couple of years. They have speeds if you know how to use them. So it's not just- It's a mountain bike.

No, no, no, no. It's a bike that you get at Walmart. Yes. Yeah. All right. We call them cruisers, grocery getters. We call them bikes. Bikes.

Just a regular bike. Not some high performance- You don't need a loan to get one of these bikes. No. It can – we call them cruisers, grocery getters. Bikes. Just a regular bike. Not some high performance – You don't need a loan to get one of these bikes. No. It's not a racing bike. Exactly. Exactly. In fact, both of these bikes were donated to us.

So these – they're great. They're super bikes. So we went down to the Loop Bike Path, which we have in Tucson, which is great. It's close to traffic. And it's a really safe environment. So you can ride along these trails. I still almost did a head-on with the old guy. We know that.

If there's one thing we know about Stan Hope, he's Mr. Safety. He kind of is. He bought this great helmet. Well, that's one of the things I wanted to ask about. I get putting on the women's suit with the helmet because it looked good. It did look good. suit with a helmet because it looked good it did look good but like whenever you're just going for a regular commuter bike ride you're not going at top speed and you're not a fucking idiot why are you wearing a fucking helmet stanhope you rode a bicycle your entire life without

wearing a helmet and in 50 something years you're going to decide to wear a helmet? On a beach cruiser. On a beach cruiser. Even just taking the picture in the cycling outfit, I was forced to wear a helmet because in the cycling community, which Bertine is a pillar, there would be outrage if I was not wearing a helmet. Sure. You know what that's called? Extremism. outrage if i was not wearing a helmet you know what that's called extremism where you ignore complete common sense where a 50 year old man who's going a mile per hour on a fucking beach cruiser is wearing a helmet his feet are sliding off the pedals you can't really get a rhythm i know i know we're going downhill and you're slowing down i made the analogy it was like if i was coaching someone

to do comedy and i allowed them to do stolen material because what the fuck no one's gonna see it and then all comics are like that's fucking that's david tell's bit like all right yeah i guess i should have told them like i so i i that's the analogy i, but it's still fucking dumb as shit, especially on my big-ass head that's already a helmet in itself. I will say this, though, that it is – I've seen people wreck. Listen, wait a minute. I understand, but you live in a – do you realize that when Stan Hope and I were young,

we found pieces of plywood and we'd prop them up against other broken things that we found, and then we rode our bikes really fast at them and see who could jump the furthest and we didn't even know that there was such a thing as a bicycle helmet. If there was a kid with a bicycle helmet we would have beat it off him.

I had two concussions as a youngster from bike accidents and I was forced to wear a helmet and guess where they found the helmet? At the end of the fucking street. If we saw someone with a bicycle helmet, we'd say, he probably doesn't even have a bike.

Before I was a dad, not this time when I'm a dad, but before when I was a dad... For those of you keeping score at home. Yeah. My son had head injuries from wrecking his bicycle too many times, and he had to wear a helmet too. But I was a pretty cool dad, so I went and got him a full-faced motocross motorcycle

helmet. So he looked like the coolest motherfucker riding his bicycle to third grade. Yes. My dad did the same thing. He bought me a Green Bay Packer football helmet. That's the opposite. Wait, I thought you said cool. No, he still, when he found it in the bushes,

they took the front tire off my bike and they put it in their car in the trunk, so there was no way I could ride. Well, in defense of the helmets, the one reason that it was important on that one trail is... I know. I see you're all laughing at me. Wait. Wait. This trail has so many I'm not laughing at you. We're laughing for you since you don't know how to laugh at yourself

when you're silly. I laugh at myself all the time. Okay. So, what the hell were we talking about? How risky this loop is. How busy. It was so congested that Okay, so... What the hell were we talking about? The helmet. How risky this loop is. How busy.

It was so congested that he needed it for his own safety and the safety of others. He did. It's busy enough that people will... She didn't want you to hit anybody with your big fat head. And that loop trail is so expensive, they didn't want to damage the asphalt if his head hit the ground. What are all these potholes? We just spent all this money. Just trying to trim as much of your melon as possible to be nice to the other riders. Nobody wants to see that.

All of those are better answers. They are, actually. Those are really good answers. It was great. Thank you for wearing your helmet. It worked out. Yeah, it really didn't slow me down. The wind resistance?

Yeah, it felt stupid, but all of it felt stupid. It still feels stupid, all of it. I mean, hiking, it's just walking around. I'm good at that. If I was able to be inspired by stuff, I would be inspired by this. I think it's pretty cool. Because I know you often want to do this. You want to stop drinking, but you try to do it at home

where you don't have a drill sergeant and you also have people who just show up at your house and literally drive you to drink none of the bikes have air in the tires i gotta drink you know so and add on top of that that's just normal fun house but now with construction going on too yeah it would have every excuse in the world and honestly i don't think if i if i wasn't sequestered here alone with Bertine, it would be very trying. What I'm saying, too, is this is temporary. For everybody who's worried that Stan Hope is going to jump the shark, he's going to bail out on this.

As soon as he's done with this project, he's done. No, no way. Oh, shit. Now they're all laughing at me. For you. Welcome to punked, everyone. Catherine, Catherine does, I mean, she gets more and more invested in it. And I feel bad when I think like that, Chad, that at some point after all the work I've put into this, you're, you're smoking a cigarette.

Yeah, that's gonna, that's gonna happen here and again, but I'm taking a lot out of this. I feel great. I've, I've woken up feeling fantastic. I've the,

the, the lungs on that first hike, I'm like, this is scary. I'm not getting any oxygen, heavy breathing. But also the writing. Me and Olivia, we spent some nights.

Olivia and I. Thank you. Working. Olivia Grace is here. She's crushed it at the Surly Wench. One of the few times I went out. We'll get to that after the break. But my writing, because I'd write drunk, and then I'm writing just giant, flowery, what I think are great writers' sentences, and it's just shit the next day.

And in the morning, I'm just writing dreck and just basic skeleton, and there was no voice on the page. skeleton and there was no voice on the page. So I go, yeah, maybe being sober and having the same point of view a little bit for a 24-hour period will help me write. And yeah, that's worked out. So yeah. Good. And what about – I'm not saying I'm going to ditch everything that you've instilled in me

all together all at once. No, Chad did. I said it for him. You're totally free on this one. You're going to like disperse it out? I hurt my neck nodding. I don't know. They have a massage here, right?

You can do a spa day. But you at least have to comment on the amount of outreach that you've shown people and you've given people and that people are responding to the fact that, hey, if you can do this, if you can cut

down and you can quit, then so can I. And people are actually calling. Yeah, they're actually tweeting. They're actually tweeting that. Hey Chuck, you did. You said you're doing some yoga now. I am. I am. But that's only because I, like my

uncle is in hospice care and I was having to go and help take care of him, and he's still not dying. He just keeps hanging on. He's been a big... I think the last time we talked about him, he went to the casino. Yeah. Now they're starting to worry about the opiate addiction he has. Didn't you tell him?

Give it to him. Yeah, yeah. Give it to him. And now it's like a month later. He wishes I would. He would. But I realized when I was trying to help him, he was never a big guy, but he's like 96 pounds right now. And to have to help him do everything, I'm really grateful that he weighs 96 pounds because it's like a considerate thing to do.

So to me, I've always tried to look for reasons to try to lose weight, and now maybe other people can have one. But you need to get down to dying weight. If you're ready to die, it's inconsiderate to die at 260 pounds. There's no way my wife's going to help me to the shitter. I'm going to fall down, and then I'm going to have to die. Jenny's like 5'4". She's 5' even.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, could you even lift me if I fell down on the trail? I actually think I could. Yeah. Because we're only... Can you do 10 push-ups? Yes, I can do 10 push-ups. I don't think you could.

I can. You want me to do that now? I dare you. What are you talking about? Can you do 10 push-ups, Doug? I'll see. I don't have to carry her off a trail. That's true. All right, I have to do 10 push-ups, Doug? I'll see. I don't have to carry her off a trail. That's true.

All right. I have to do 10 push-ups. Go ahead. We're going to count them down. There's no way Doug can carry you off a trail. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt. 10 push-ups?

Tracy, you got 10. I kind of have spindly arms. Well, but they're fit. Military push-ups. Let's make sure. That's not fair. Form a 90 degree. Chuck's going to put his fist under her boobs. Don't dops. Let's make sure. Oh, that's not fair. Form a 90 degree. Chuck's going to put his fist under her boobs.

Oh, don't do that. Let's do it over there. You're doing the shade. She did it on the hot Tucson. Chuck, you got to count these. You got to count these. That's it. One.

Down. Lower your ass. Down. Three. Three. Four. Get one of me. Six. Okay.

Seven. She's going all the way down. Three to go. Three to go. CrossFit. That's seven. What she doesn't know is I'm smoking the whole time she's doing this. Keep going.

Focus. Just keep your head down. Ten. Ten. There we go. Two. Three. Yeah.

I'm so proud of you I'm so proud of you go back to busy, fucker Are you sure that was still smoking? I didn't really see it I didn't see me smoking I can't believe I fell for that It might be the blood in your eyes From actually completing ten push-ups

You did a great job Those were man push-ups and Thank you For equality We're fucking man push-ups I don't feel any better If you wanted to get more hits than that You should have added your 20.

He could have smoked a cigar. He should have reached through the 10. I can't believe I fell for that. You can blame the bad influence on us. He's been doing this for the past, what has it been, two, three weeks? For the past month? Oh, Brutus, sit here.

And then whoopee cushion. There's some whoopee cushions at the Dollar Tree. Oh, it never gets old. Are you saying it's been easier for him to smoke right in front of you without all of us laughing hysterically? From now on, that's going to be, oh, no. Hey, how many pull-ups can you do, Bertine? None. It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

I really think Stan Hope needs this helmet for this podcast. Can you go get it for him? Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Let's go to break while I avert a beating. I'm going to kick your ass. Cocktails! Cocktails! Kasa Grande za najbolje meksičke hranu. Mi je Migo Ricardo. 821 Florence Boulevard.

520-836-3858 Ako volite tacos, burritos, enchiladas, istan hops, especial, dolazi tamo. Volit ćiteš puno

Zravo ljudi I nemoj zaboraviti Lidi jebise She just trusts Olivia more than the rest of us Allow the The stand up That's an out I think you gotta do something with your body

Yeah yeah exactly That's why she agreed to it The stand-up, that's an out. I think you've got to do something with your body. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's why she agreed to it. I agree with you. No, I think the stand-up is a good thing because it's totally out of her comfort zone. Yes. That's the thing. She's a public speaker, for Christ's sake. Yeah, right?

Yeah. She's horrible on a microphone, too. She doesn't even know how to tell a story. You already have the whole thing. I'm being sarcastic. That's what I'm saying. That's nothing. You need to eat mushrooms. We're certainly... And then do

open mic. I was going to bet that if we did put that to a Twitter poll, mushrooms would edge stand-up comedy. Mushrooms would win. Oh wait, we're voting on this. She doesn't get to choose. No, no.

Oh, yeah. There's no way. It's definitely stand-up that would scare me the most because it's out of my comfort zone, but that's what I would rather do that. I mean, that's the interest of what we're talking about. But you did say early on in our career that you would think about considering doing mushrooms, which I haven't. Like, I'd have to do mushrooms, too, because I haven't in forever,

because now they scare me the older I get. Yeah, me too. Looking at your own baggage, living a sea of lies. Yeah. Let me go. Can we just do a round the horn here of who's out there? Yeah, Charlie the Intern, who's well-received. Yeah.

Nice. It's been fun. Yeah. I like him. I just got to meet him today. The podcast with Charlie the intern went out and yeah, a lot of Twitter feedback. Positive. None negative.

Chad Shank, it's been too long. Sorry, I've been up here for a fucking month now. It's crazy. It seems like today. It's good to see you guys. Catherine Bertine, my life coach against my will. Greg Chaley, Olivia Grace, off mic, but we'll get her in here. I think we call Bertie the bike helmet monitor.

We're here. Yeah, let's plug this place. Tracy's here. Yeah, let's go on to Tracy next. But Tanque Verde Ranch is where we are at, at the end of the outskirts of Tucson in a field of saguaro cactus. We're right up against Saguaro National Forest or whatever. It's fucking incredible. Beautiful.

I hate to say dude ranch, but kind of dude ranch-ish. It's the gender, non-specific gender horse dormitory. Because horses don't like to be thought of as work or pack animals, so ranches are working. It's nice to be out of the house. Very woke of you, Shaley.

Thanks, man. I get it from Erickson. We're going to talk about the outside world that I have not seen much of since I got here. This is the text I woke up to this morning from Bingo. It's down in Bisbee, keeping the place afloat. Let me put on my readers. I wake up.

I read, I sincerely and desperately hope this text does not wake you. I just need to say you remain one of my closest friends. I do and will respect the space you need, but I want you to know that I need my friend. I need you right now. I need to be there for you right now. I didn't fall in friend love with you. Come on, you fuck.

Was that part of it i didn't i did not fall in friend love with you just to give up on us one day bug i am sorry did you hear me i'm bellowing from the top of my lungs i am sorry derrick taking his life for amy is the most beautiful gesture i've ever experienced another beautiful gesture is the act of forgiveness. I want to be as beautiful as Derek and Amy. May we find forgiveness for each other. I need your help. Take my hand and let's make a first step together. Will you tell me how you feel about this?

I love you. Bingo. So I go into a fucking panic. the fuck i haven't seen the what time what's the time stamp on that 3 18 a.m oh so she didn't wake you i'm still the only other one that knows what happened well i called her i said what's going on and she said i'm in the er what i'm like all right now it's getting fucking worse because what what's wrong and she said i'm in the er what i'm like all right now it's getting fucking worse because what what's wrong and she said i'm with jen jen collapsed she fainted i had to call 9-1-1 and i go are the neighbor two doors down from us yeah just jen and uh i said well i just got your your text message

what what's what's the matter what's like the she said, oh, did you read the first one? I don't know. Then I went back and read it. The first one to me, I can't sleep. A million things are hammering my brain. I just reached out to my friend. I feel like sending you what I wrote her in the next text to get your input when you wake up. I knew it.

I was going to ask you. Who did she mean to send that to? That wasn't for you. That was intense. But yeah, it's one of those like, alright, now I'm re-evaluating our entire relationship. What could I have given her? What was I not there for? And then when I found out it was all a goof,

now I'm trying to erase that slate. Well, it's not a goof. It's just you weren't the intended recipient. You were a proofreader. Well, it woke me up. You didn't notice you had a new nickname halfway through it? Well, no, that's the thing. Bug, that's what my mother called me, is Doug Bug.

So Bug is a deep track. I thought it was predictive text. She just blew by it. Oh, shit, I should have proofread it myself. was predictive text. She just... It just blew by it. Oh, shit, I should have proofread it myself. Voice to text. Oh, shit. So, yeah. Good.

Glad everything's good there, then. But that's... You go, I don't know what the fuck is going on. How's Jen? Jen's fine. We've totally glossed over the fact that someone went to the ER and it wasn't bingo well I think Jen probably has like she walks into the

ER and it's like Norm and cheers fast pass oh it's Tuesday already I'm not just on cat sitting duties this summer. Bertine leaves next week. So then it's just going to be me.

With the cigarettes. Yep. No. Without pushups. Stop putting that in his mind. No, I'm going to have those same cigarettes. I'm trying to tell you. He already knows.

That wasn't for a dog. Would it kill you to believe this is possible? But I'm also looking after a mother. Bertine's mother got early onset dementia. We're at 78 years old. I don't think that's very early at all. It might be tardy, if anything. You're the shit end of this relationship, aren't you?

She lives right across the street and it's only a matter of bringing her food every couple of days. It's basically like cat sitting. You put out enough food and water for her and she takes care of herself. She's box trained. You skip a day and no one wonders what's going on.

It's like, what food on Wednesday? There's not a lot to remember. I'll bring four shrimp today instead of two. You'll never know the difference. It's amazing, though, what you've done. First of all, you volunteered for this role because my dad was searching the way to do this with professionals. Craigslist gigs?

No, no. He was going to get some nice girl that works at the Walgreens and ask her cause she's nice. Like, no, no, no, no.

But they were at, we were at dinner with a night before a Gump left me and Gump and the, the Bertine. I'm sorry. Did you, did you mean to say a name there? I don't know. And they're just both fretting over what to do about mother. Did you mean to say a name there? And they're just both fretting over what to do about mother.

And I can do that. I'm happy to do that. And they're very polite people that would normally in that situation say, oh, no, no, you don't want it. We wouldn't want to trouble you. And you saw both of them kind of frown and light up at the same time. Would you really do that? They're kicking each other under the table. Keep it cool. Keep it cool.

Fuck yeah. I've dealt with. It's a chain smoking hoarder mother. It is. That smokes with all the doors and windows shut. Mother. That's the only job you're literally equipped to do, Stan. Qualified.

He could teach a course at night school. Catherine keeps saying, oh, you're going to get great material out of this. I go, if I took it to the very end, the ultimate ugly ending, I've already done that material. If I put your mother down. It's amazing, though. She has not retained the information that you and I are friends. So she'll call me up and she'll say things like, do you know this, Doug? He's such a keeper.

Charming bastard. She is absolutely charmed by him. And it's pretty remarkable. Who of us is not, lady? That is true. I went over today to bring her donuts and that's what she eats for breakfast. What's her daily fare? It's bad. She eats chocolate.

Just like Mother, she drinks nothing but Dr. Pepper a million a day. Mother drank Diet Dr. Pepper in a 64 ounce Big Bubba travel mug. She has hers in a glass with ice. Her Marlboro 100s. She used to smoke the True Blues but they don't sell those anymore.

She fancies herself an aristocrat. Did you ever see Grey Gardens? The documentary? I just watched it. She's one of those ladies. Wait, which one? Well, she's 70. At the same time. Yep.

Try growing up with that. Anyway, go on. Oh, she was showing me more pictures of the Stanley Cup. Her friend. Tracy perked up. Yeah, her friend owned the New Jersey Devils and the Houston Astros. What's her name? The McMullins.

The McMullins. Yeah, and so she has a million pictures of the Stanley Cup. And her McMullin lady is going to be my Johnny Depp when I'm 77 or 58 with dementia. Yes. Here's a picture of me with Johnny Depp. Did I already show you that? I was friends with Johnny Depp. I don't know where he is now.

He doesn't seem to call me anymore. You remember the McMullins? They had the putt-putt golf emporium all through the Texas areas. And then they got the Houston Astros. Pretty much. Pretty much. So today I went over with the donuts. Yeah, she eats donuts.

Dr. Pepper. Chocolate raised if you're in the business. Not chocolate cake. Or a fan of donuts. She calls them vanilla, but you know, the difference between raised and cake. The opposite. Yeah, but she's just she doesn't want chocolate in the donut

part. Just the icing. She's very particular. Oh, these are eclair type? Baskin-Robbins coffee flavored ice cream. This is what Shannon is equipped to understand these things. He is so equipped. Yeah, she has the pre-made egg salad croissant from Safeway. And their brand of chocolate chip cookies from the bakery.

And she likes a filet mignon. And this will last me five days. That's a filet mignon. This will last me five days. That's how small my appetite is. One steak? Yeah, one steak. She's quite frail, too. I mean, she has this diet that sounds like it's just, you know.

You could be describing Doug right now. No, not without the cigarettes. I'm eating like a fucking pig. Did you drive Doug crazy and he's now sitting in your home stretch foundation in a psycho situation? Hold on. Feeding his own self donuts in the morning and then working out in the afternoon.

What have you done to my friend, Bertine? Watch your draft. Watch your draft. It's going right at the lady. There you go. Bertine, you're probably better over there sitting for sun exposure. What do you want, lung cancer or skin cancer? Because you get a choice here.

Or do you want to get high? Spin the wheel of cancer. So I went over, I brought her donuts, and then she goes, I have a favor to ask you. If you come in there, and the bathroom she doesn't use, it looked like the toilet had backed up into the tub because the tub is all filthy. Well, it's just she never uses it. So it just does.

It accumulated. Yeah. Yeah. And and she's trying to clean the tub with a Swiffer like that doesn't really reach the rounded edges. Can you wipe this out for me? I can't seem to. And I go, well, do you have a sponge, an extra sponge? And she said, no.

And I started running water. And she goes, I don't think you should run water. She's all but grabbing the fucking sides of the walls. Water, no, I don't. So I go, this Swiffer's not going to work. And I go, and I saw the Swiffer pads you put on top of a Swiffer beside the tub. So I go, I'll just use this. And I looked down.

It was a poise. Fucking panty liners, a box of poise. But it's beside the Swiffer. So I assume it's a Swiffer. Oh, I just pick up a giant fucking old lady underwear pad. I'll just use, never mind. Hey, these don't fit. These don't fit.

What are these butterfly wings? I wasn't going to put it on the Swiffer. You have the scrubbing power of the old style. This is not cleaning. I mean, it's absorbing, but it's just not cleaning. So I said, do you have paper towels? And she brought paper towels, and she goes, yes, but this is all I have. I go, I'll replace them.

I'm going to get you a sponge. I'm going to get you some cleaning products, which she probably has and doesn't realize. So I just did it with paper towels. And I said, you don't have to come back. This is enough paper towels. You don't have to come back. Thank you. Oh, come look at pictures.

Did I show you my pictures? Oh, she loves to show him pictures. So, yeah, for the week I quit smoking. Yeah, I did smoke two cigarettes two nights ago at Mother's. But I think whatever happens at Mother's. Like with her? Like talking? Yes.

So what was it like? Prohibition. It's like going into a smoking cubicle in the airport. You're smoking anyway. Might as well. So what you're telling us is that in order to avoid writing, you have taken up the equivalent of a part

time job? Yes. We called it... I'm a candy striper. At the restaurant I worked at right out of high school, it was called Heads and Halls. Where you clean the hallways and the toilets and they call it a rag bin for the ladies. Yeah, basically that's what you're doing. You're doing the dirty work.

And you volunteered for this. No, I understand that part. It makes me happy. You are a very giving soul. You probably already know this, but whenever we talked before about the brain injury place and stuff, whenever we would go out to smoke, Stan would go to smoke and I'd go smoke weed out in the front of the thing. But the patients that would come out would have to be in their patient clothing. And one of them, Stan Hope gave his leather jacket to for like two days.

But he ended up going to the thrift store and getting all these brain patients clothing that they could wear outside so they could feel like a human being while they smoke their cigarette outside instead of trying to hold their ass flap shut. So I've known the nature of sound. We try to hide it, Bertine. You're exposing this whole niceness. This is a problem. I know.

It's a problem. Stop it. Well, you just kind of exposed it a little too. Well, I think we already told that story, though. I told an old story. No, it is. It's wonderful. I think people should know what a big heart you have and how giving is hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let's move on. I want to hear about- We'll agree to disagree. How about that? I want to hear about all the shit that's going on at home that I'm missing for the last month. the shit that's going on at home that i'm missing for the last month i know you chad was when i just decided all right i'm quitting smoking ergo quit drinking they have to go hand in hand or they both fall apart uh chad was across town and tucson is a big motherfucker he's like oh i'm

in tucson right now where you and your wife were but it's like 40 miles or 40 minutes away. Oh, you did not want to be over there. You talked earlier about how nice this place is and I wish that we would have known about this Tancaverde place because we got the Star Pass Marriott because there's a lazy river like the one we did before. Well, a couple years ago, we all went to the

one in Tucson, Doug. I can't remember the name of it. Phoenix. We went to a water park and we took over the whole adult pool area. So that was name of it. Phoenix. We went to a water park and we took over the whole adult pool area. We made it more adult. Yeah, yeah. That was kind of what we had in mind. So we went and did that and hung out

at this Marriott with a big pool area. And as soon as we got there, there was a convention. area and as soon as we got there i've there was a uh a convention a uh japanese anime convention called konichiwa con dash ichiwa it was horrible i didn't know what i read the sign when we went and i was like

that's a japanese word but it's not spelled like, because I don't think about a con right away until I got there and saw all the fucking people, and I was like- Everyone's a butters. Oh. There was so much crazy shit happening at this place. The pool was- So it's Panamation. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. So were there furries running around? There was one of everything. Everyone dressed up? There was one of everything. Everyone dressed up? There was some furries. It was 115 degrees and there was some furries running around. I was surprised to see that a lot of it was adults in children's Halloween costumes.

Maybe it's a low rent con. I've never been to one before. But there was... Like a Frankenstein mask with elastic on the back uh almost that bad they don't make those anymore but today's equivalent of that is uh it's it's it involves a lot of tights and people who don't fit in tights or shouldn't be in tights those of the one the one thing that was funny was the uh the a lot of the girls were dressed up as Japanese anime trolls or whatever they were. I think I told you guys this already.

They got mad because one chick there was just dressed up as a slutty witch. That was not an anime character at all. But all the nerds were alled around her taking selfies with her and stuff and you did tell us before because charles said stolen valor yes it was he was exactly spot on it was nerd stolen valor it wasn't it was an interesting place to watch people for the for the whole weekend well we like i go to i go to conventions, and it is one of those things where you get that end of it, but you also get the guy who sneezes into his hand, and you watch him peel it off with his front teeth and swallow it

because he's in the booth across from us, and we're watching this gross bastard the whole fucking time. So, yeah, there's good stories. But there's also – I live with that memory every day of that guy harking up into his palm and then swallowing it. I got to stay away from – one of the positive things about being at a hotel with a bunch of nerds is that the pool is almost completely empty. They were all inside doing board games or I don't know what they did, taking pictures with each other. But we sat down.

We had like one of the best spots, a bunch of mesquite trees behind us. We sat down. You got there early. We got there fairly early. There was only one set of people that had a better, shadier spot than us without paying for a cabana right next to us so we were just kind of hanging out people watching the whole day by the pool and uh this this is a this is a situation where chad doesn't have to get angry because it's we were well out of the way there was but but i did get angry about stuff that i

shouldn't have been angry about but it was it was some fucked up stuff there was the people behind us he calls the waitress over they had several people roaming around bringing you you know drinks or poolside food or whatever and uh he calls her over and he says where's uh k and she's like oh well k is down by the water slide area today he goes well we had k yesterday we really liked her service she's like okay he goes well you think you can get k to come down here and she's like all right i'll go i'll go talk to her which it's a completely service oriented place where they're just sucking your ass they have no idea how to respond so she leaves and jenny and i are looking at each other like, well, that was a fucking kind of a dick move, you know, to do that.

And then Kay walks all the way down from the other side. And she's like, hey, I heard, you know, you guys were down here now. I just coming down here to check on you. It's a little out of my way, but I'll have to walk down here. But I'll make you in my rounds, you know, or whatever she fucking says politely to him. And the dude looks her dead in the face and says, okay, we're good for right now, but we just wanted to let you know that we're down here now.

I was like, you sent for the fucking chick and then didn't order anything. She really likes us. So I was fucking hating my neighbors right here immediately. Are they Kanaichi guys? No, they're typical Tucson douchebags. Kanaichiwa. Yeah, Kanaichiwa. That's an amusement to you.

You don't feel like your back's up against the wall and you need to strike. Yeah, absolutely. I never felt like that. But they're obviously in an area where they're working sections and they pull someone over because they're service-oriented. So they're like, well, I'll get Kimberly.

And Kimberly comes up and goes like, yeah, yeah, I appreciate you tipping me 8% yesterday, fucking big spender. So now I'll hump my ass over here from the water park slide, which is already a demotion because I got caught fucking...

Like having someone else sign my time card. So I got to... I'm working the shit area and I got caught having someone else sign my time card. So I'm working the shit area, and now I've got to come over here because you'll sign a comment card. Then I get fucking busted to the coat check in Tucson. Are you fucking kidding me? He said, so we're good for right now. You can go back. It got worse because later they don't have garbage cans or anything around there,

but they do have polite young kids with carts with a garbage bag that will come over and take your garbage out. And I had a bucket full of beer that I don't want to get into. But I was using the bucket as garbage to be polite because there's not a garbage. So they came by and I gave them the bucket. And at the same time I was giving them the bucket, I had been using my lighter to open beers. And I've been talking a long time. That's all right. I've been using my lighter to open beers.

When you made the hand motion, I realized we both have painted nails. I got mine done here in Tucson. And toenails, I noticed, at the pool. Yeah, we both have our toenails done and our fingernails. All three of us. My granddaughter did my fingernails, and my toenails were done by the Asian lady who made fun of me the entire time. Bertines and I were done by Queen Nails by Mindy at Tanque Verde and Catalina. Yes, and I will put out a picture of that wonderful.

They already have a picture of my new nails on Yelp. Queen Nails by Mindy. The business does? Yeah. Oh, Tina, my girl. She goes, I forgot to get you a picture last time you nailed. We put on Yelp. We Reiki Stanhope.

Hold on. No. No. Hold on. No. It's probably the resident expert of Asian languages. That's the sign that is up in the window right now. We like you, Stan.

We like you, Stan. Hello, welcome. Hey, can you tell us between Vietnamese and, let's say, Tran and Nguyen. Tran, Nguyen. Was it Cambo or is it Manise? Well, those two last names you just gave me are Vietnamese. Those are your

Smith and Carters. Yeah, I don't know what a Cambodian is. They're kind of like the Vietnamese. Yeah, I can't tell. I'm going to ask you next time. That's the person working in the back because they still have much deeper racial issues than we do here.

That may have been the one they assigned to do my feet. I think they brought her out of the back like a punishment. They're like, do this fucking fat guy's feet. Yeah, that was probably not a Gwyn or a Tran. That was a Cambodian. Hey, you know who I met for the first time since Jeff Beamish and I had an acrimonious split and I moved to K-Gun 9? I had cocktails at Zinberger with Mark Charter and April Madison from the K-Gun 9 morning news crew. I only had two cocktails because I had to drive.

It was afternoon. But yes, K-Gun 9, April Madison and Mark Charter. They're great. They're great people. They are great. Just in case we got a bunch of new listeners, Jeff Beamish is who? He used to be the KVOA morning weather guy from Channel 4. Why doesn't he like you?

Yeah, we had a falling. We played a little bit of a prank. When you say we, was there a back and forth or was there something you did? The listeners and I. I had a thing for Jeff Beamish for so many years. I'd tape his DVR, the morning news at 6 and I'd watch it about 1030. And he had a beautiful light bulb head. And then we pulled a prank, and

it went a little too far. Now I'm blocked by most of the people at KVOA, including the station itself at KVOA. So I said, you know what? I get shirked on this deal. I'm going to move on, and I moved over to KGUN9. Hold on a second. Wasn't there some... There was a Beamish thing on Twitter. The Sky Camp, yeah.

I can never... I don't get it anymore. What happened to that? It used to be trippy. Look out here. See this Saguaro National Forest or whatever the fuck it is? A bunch of cactus. And it's beautiful. The sun's coming down.

And you'd take a picture of this and you'd hashtag it Sky Candy. And you'd send it to Jeff Beamish. And he might pick your picture for the morning news. And all these people would hashtag Sky Candy. So what the killer termites did, under my suggestion or tutelage, is they flooded that hashtag with hideous pictures of Serbian war crimes and gutted babies. Beheadings. The headings. The headings. Advanced stage syphilis.

Bot flies being pulled out of eyeballs. Doug wearing a bicycle helmet. No. The worst pictures you could imagine. Nobody went that deep, Jaylee. How dare they? So it completely ruined his whole hashtag thing. Within two days, it was done.

He was like, send your pictures to Facebook. Yeah, we were all blocked. And I tried to make amends, but to no avail. And then April Madison came into my weather life. And you know what? Where is she from? Here in Tucson. K-Gun?

K-Gun. K-G-U-N. Channel 9. 6 a.m. Mark Charter. Big Al, your traffic pal. That's right. Big Al.

He looks like Alfred Hitchcock. He does traffic with April Madison. They're fucking great. They're very, very nice and accommodating. We met at Zinberger where Catherine Bertine was once fired as a server because she doesn't know how to pour wine. I feel like this podcast has gotten very unrelatable on a lot of levels. I'm following it great. Yeah, I know.

I haven't talked to Doug in a month. The listeners can only imagine what it's like to meet a local weather personality. I live that fucking life. And that's why you listen to this podcast, to feel what it must be like to be there. I live that life. You and I, Pitch Eric. And that's why you listen to this podcast, to feel what it must be like to be there. I live that life. You and I, bitch, Eric.

I'm two fucking night courses away from being a weather guy on the local news. I just don't have the time. They were fun, and we talked about it. The amount that she must get recognized after many years in a small market or medium market. This is not a small market. This is medium. I was in a small market. Well, she's in a market the size where if you watched morning news, you see her five days a week and she feels like family because that's it's not like oh it's a superstar oh this is someone i know five days a fucking week that while i'm making

oatmeal for my stupid waterheaded kid i'm listening to april madison so she said yeah it's weird because she said when i was pregnant people had just come up to me in the supermarket and rub my belly and stuff but you can't be a dick because that's... To be fair, she was standing by the melons. You've had some people recognize you since you've been here. Yeah, but they're weirded out by it. They don't feel like they know me and they can hold on to my belly. Only because it's so big.

It's getting smaller. There's no way that's a baby. That's cancer. And they're totally not weirded out by you. They like that you're here. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Look at the car dealership.

Oh, yeah. I did that fucking thing I do when I get sober for a minute and I panic and I bought a couple of cars. Do you want to do that now or do you want to do that in the next podcast? Well, it doesn't matter. But I was just trying to think of the transit, the weird red roof in the airport shuttle thing I bought. The red transit. Yeah. Seats eight.

Yeah, that was during sober October. My 12. I bought that. Are you fucking serious? In my 12 days of sober October. We've had it that long? I think we put it like 40 miles on that thing. The Mazda I trade.

What? The transit has no miles on it. No, no. But I'm saying I bought that during sober October. I didn't know that. And then the Mazda that I just traded in for a different Mazda, I bought during 30 Days in the Hole. That's right. I was there for that.

And the one I – The Equinox. Yeah, and the one I bought, you and Bingo, hers that I bought at the same time. I think I was sober for that. That was the Buick. Yeah, the Buick and Bingo. The Equinox is the orange one you turned in. Yeah, but I didn't buy that sober. Oh, you didn't?, the Buick and bingos. The Equinox is the orange one you turned in. Yeah, but I didn't buy that sober.

Oh, you didn't? Okay. Well, no wonder because you bought an Equinox. But I think I might have been sober when I bought yours and bingo. It's a weird thing. Yeah, it was. We were gone. Yeah.

Do you remember when you shared with me that you were sober a couple of days and I said, like, never trust a man with no vices. You're a shopaholic. Yeah, that is true. If you're not drinking or smoking, it's fucking Amazon Prime. We need to talk about the Dollar Tree. We need to talk about the Dollar Tree.

How do you spend $1,000 at the Dollar Tree? One at a time. It's also... Zing. I think that's the name of this podcast. But how many times have you... Tell people how often you go to the Dollar Tree per day. Today.

I knew this was an intervention when I saw this place. Chad called it. I knew it. Chad called it. He goes, this place is too nice. And then Tracy goes, leave it to Stanhope to pick his own place for intervention. You picked your own fucking venue. How many times, Stanhope, do you go to the dogs?

I smoked three quarters of a cigarette during this podcast, a little at a time. And every time during Chad's story, Bertine is like, fuck you. And she doesn't use curse words. I don't know if you saw my tweet yesterday where I said, Bertine, I don't even know if I'm reading her first book, which is her youth. And I go, yeah, it kind of leads into where she is at 44 years old. It's a teetotaler lifestyle.

I go, this is every girl that wouldn't fuck John Cusack in every 80s movie. I don't even think I like her. Listen, she turned me off a lot because I'm going to blame her for my whole fucking story going awry and way too long and meaningless. Because usually I play off of Stanhope. But Stanhope was too busy making the fucking oops, I'm sorry face while you were doing the fuck you. I only smoked that. Or smoking a cigarette, which is when I popped up. If you go back 15 minutes, that's when it sounded weird.

You didn't know what was going on. I jumped up in front of Bertina so she couldn't see me smoking a cigarette. Fucking up our dynamic. I can't wait until Stanhope's done with this. I only lit that cigarette because I felt like I was doing the same thing to your story by staring at a pack of cigarettes and not listening. So I thought, maybe if I take a couple drags, this will go swimmingly. It was Olivia's cigarette. I saw you

hand it to her at the end. It was a couple of rips. What is this guy, a narc? Arbitrator. Arbitrator. Jesus, will you let him in? I wanted to bring up Inman, but we've got to get to dinner. He goes to Dollar Tree three times a day. Inman?

Yeah, no. I do myman? I was, yeah, no. I do my rounds. I do Safeway, the Nail Place if I need it. How about the writing? Are you doing any? Do you touch the notebook? I think it's going to get really good when Catherine goes on to write her book in New York

at the cabins at the camp. Uh-huh. Well, I'm feeling like we're kind of wrapping up here. I do want to say get on the mailing list because Hennigan is sending me dates every week that we're putting up for the tour coming up in September. It starts September 8th, punctuated by that, and it's through the mid-October. So dates are going up all the time on DougSandwich.com. Yeah, do the Patreon, you motherfuckers,

you cheap cocksuckers. We're going to start doing fucking... I'll do ads for things that aren't sponsoring us, and I'll just do as boring as possible and make you listen to them. We want to say thank you to all the Patreon sponsors that have donated so far. Oh, yeah.

We should do it. If you haven't, you probably should because if we get to our goal, we're going to do another podcast, an extra podcast that's only available to the Patreon subscribers. Man, I miss the outside world. You're in it right now.

No, he's not. You're doing so great. Just hang on. Don't listen to all of this. Sashiko Sushi, that's been good. Bryce at CrossFit Fix, thanks for helping out. Olivia Grace, thanks for being funny and being in town. I miss Bisbee.

I joined the Bisbee gym. I'll get there one day. What?bee. I joined the Bisbee gym. I'll get there one day. What? Yeah, I joined the Bisbee gym. When I came down, I'd pick up my mail. See? You joined and left town?

Yeah, but I tried all the machines first. I got footage. To make sure they were real and not photographs. Yeah, and no one's in there. She took me to fucking LA Fitness yesterday, and I'll never be one of those comics who goes,

hey, we go to the gym a lot, and here's some... No, it's fucking sad and depressing, and it's fucking... I'm not going one of those comics who goes, hey, but go to the gym a lot and here's some... No, it's fucking sad and depressing and it's fucking... I'm not going to ever do bits about it, but yeah, I hate it being there. It's awful. I didn't hate the exercise. It's just the environment

where there's a giant fucking mall of people going to the gym. You can do this shit at home. You just want to look at each other or have each other look at you. They'll keep talking, but we'll talk on the side here. Did you hear him change his whole tactic just by her intake of breath? And then he's like, I like that. I like the exercise.

There's something happening, Shane. No, the fucking exercise is fine. I actually feel good. I woke up feeling not like killing myself. I think he's just trying to placate her as they keep talking on the side. We've got to look for signals, Shane.

Chad, I don't know. I mean, look, my foot is bruised from you kicking me, from them talking and him getting beat down all the time. I don't know what's going on. Chad, do they know we're talking on the side here? Chad, do they know we're talking on the side here? I don't know what's going on. This is really fucking weird. 15 minutes to dinner.

She wanted me to go in the... Oh, well, you should bring a change of clothes. They have showers because we're going to go to get pizza afterwards. I'm not going to fucking shower in a fucking gym. I'm just going to show up and fucking pizza with sweat. You did spin class. That was awesome, and you liked it. I did spin class.

You're a fucking liar. I want you to tell these people because earlier in this podcast, you said, oh, I would never push you or something, this and that. And I like, oh, yeah. When I get to 12 miles in the spin class, I go, all right, I've hit my mark. That's what I did the first actual bicycling. And I'm out. I go DNF because in her stupid book, Good as Gold, which I loved, she said, I'd rather

have a fucking like, you know, crashed and burned rather than a did not finish a DNF. And I go Stanhope, DNF, Stanhope spin class, DNF. Once I hit 12 miles, you do the last 15 minutes of this. And you go, no, you have to keep going. I said, hang on. Go two more miles so that you can go further than you did on your previous bike ride. One-tenth of a mile would have been further. Where's this logic when you're strapping on that helmet, Stan Hope?

You don't need a helmet in spin class. Why not? Hold on. I should have worn the helmet. One person does. Sir, I'm sorry. You'll have to go back to the front desk and get a helmet. This is a spin class.

He voluntarily kept pedaling for two more miles. Without my feet in the fucking straps either. It's okay. It's all right. You still pedaled. A little rebel. It was great. Oh, the helmet she has an excuse for, but...

Oh, no. You got to put your... And tighten the straps to your feet. I'm on a fucking stationary bicycle, lady. Lady. It's coming out, Shaylee. I know. It's all coming out.

Chad, I'm a little worried about what's going on right now. I know. It's just going to stay visual. It's a little confrontational. Do we break into this? How many times? What are we going to do here? I'm a little worried about what's going on right now. It seems a little confrontational. Do we break into this? How many times? What are we going to do here?

Everyone on Twitter. Flink, did you need help? That might be the sun. Damn, I'm confused. He loves it. He's just too shy to admit how much he likes working out and how much it makes him feel good. You tried to get us to move. Kim Jong-un, we appreciate your input on how much he likes working out and how much it makes him feel good. Thanks a lot, Kim Jong-un. We appreciate

your input on how much he loves it. No, everybody's calling me Yoko. You tried to get us... Oh, that's even better! You tried to get us out of the sun, but this is when he's shining. Look at him. Here's our golden boy.

Everybody is writing and saying, is he wearing sunscreen? And he is, sort of. I've found some tanning oil. It wasn't at the Dollar Tree. I had to spend top dollars. I spent like $9 on some tanning oil with SPF 15. So it's a bit of a sunblock. Really?

That's the cancer that's going to get me? Who knows? I just want to say right now, we're going to go to dinner here at the Tanque Verde Ranch. And afterwards, we're going to try and do a podcast, drunk and fat and non-smoking, for the Patreon listeners. Because we're going to do something because we want you to join Patreon. And when you're on there once a month, if we hit our goal, we're going to do a special podcast just for them. So get on there at Doug's.

So you're saying I have to go off the wagon? It says in the Patreon book that you have to drink for the special. You guys can drink and he doesn't have to. No. I don't even want to. That's not the way it works. Look, I didn't even see your lips move

when you did that just go to patreon.com slash stanhope podcast and subscribe and support this podcast now

just a fucking dollar a month yeah it's the it's the people who don't that I look at if you get a dollar a month in there yeah you're good by me

but the other cocksuckers bravo alright yeah we have some shit we're actually gonna make a list at dinner If you get a dollar a month in there, yeah, you're good by me. But the other cocksuckers. All right. Yeah, we have some shit. We're actually going to make a list at dinner because I have some shit we can give out to Patreon listeners. Like the Mitch thing, I tell you. Dude, that was great.

There's way better things that aren't in the vault. We'll talk about it over dinner. Hey, thanks for supporting me. And thanks for, yeah, I'm actually doing fine. and I enjoy this, and that lady's really upset I took eight drags off of cigarettes during this podcast just to fuck with her. See you. But I feel good, and thank you. Are you still recording, Chaley? Yeah. Because if you get some, Mom, a dollar a month is not going to cover how much beer I drink at this place.

You need to give them at least 5 or 25 yeah i'm proud of you stanhope Thank you.