The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #399: Call From The Pen Podcast with Bobby Caldwell

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Doug gets a call from incarcerated author, poet and now podcaster, Bobby Caldwell. Bobby discusses podcasting while locked up and answers some Patreon subscriber submitted questions. Chad introduces the boys to the condition of vein-y ball sack.Find out more about Bobby and life in prison - https://www.notesfromthepen.comHow to contact Bobby in prison - Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set. If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Recorded June 27th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Comedian Bobby Caldwell (@notesfromthepen), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new special, "The Dying of a Last Breed", is out now on Vimeo.com - https://vimeo.com/ondemand/thedyingofalastbreed. The AUDIO ONLY is available on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3d7MFjv .We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Find out more about Bobby and life in prison - https://www.notesfromthepen.comBobby's Podcast, Notes From The Pen, is available on Apple podcasts and Spotify.Subscribe to Chad's Twitch Stream by using your FREE Amazon Prime membership option. Just go to Chad's twitter (@hdfatty) for a link and instructions. Thanks.Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. are here. It's raining. Is this the monsoons? It's hailed a little bit. Or is this just premature? Yeah, that fucking big hailstorm was the first official day of monsoons. Really? Yeah, we got hit with a fucking massive hailstorm. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck's up with you guys in hail, but I was riding my motorcycle on the way over here, and all of a sudden the rain started stinging my forehead a lot worse, and then I noticed it was bouncing everywhere. I go, fuck, it's hailing on me.

Oh, shit, I'm bleeding. Yeah, we didn't have hail here, but they had it in San Jose. That was where I hit it just today, just before I hit. Yeah, and our power went out, and across the fence line to Doug's house, the power was on. Oh, my God. We had visitors last night. Eyes high as fuck, and I kept eating.

And I went down to Valentina's and I came out. It was midnight. We came up. I was going to eat again. And there was like three guys looking over the fence and left their car on the side of the road. I'm like, oh, fans.

At midnight. Kind of goofy once too. In the middle of a pandemic i would think burglars at midnight with the place totally dark they were taking pictures over the fence and stuff so i ran up and jumped in their fucking car what yeah i was gonna take off with their car so i jumped in their car that they they took the keys Come on. You're just getting out to take a picture. You took the key. So I stole a T-shirt and then I gave it back. This would have been a lot funnier story if they were burglars.

Yeah. Well, they didn't seem to know me all that much. Like I go, all right, I'll show you the fun house and stuff. And they didn't seem to know the podcast or anything. Yeah. So they were burglars casing the joint. They're casing the joint. They're going, the guy's going to let us in.

He's going to help us. All right, do it. Just go along. I don't know. Some guy. He was on the man show. Keep saying big fan. Keep saying big fan.

The guy looked like a. I like all your comedy. Like, what's one of the bits? Well, you know that one. It's just, you can't really distill it down to one thing, Stan Mope. Standpipe. Standpipe.

But yeah, the one guy was like a boardwalk caricature of me with a big lightbulb head and tiny shoulders and a beer gut. And he's on rollerblades with a bouquet of flowers eating a hoagie. But I didn't even shoulders and a beer gut. And he's on rollerblades with a bouquet of flowers eating a hoagie. Yeah.

But I didn't even remember that until later today. I went, oh yeah, those fucking weird guys. They were angling for a place to stay. Like, yeah, I guess we're gonna drive back to Tucson. Really? At midnight? Yeah, I guess so. Who stays in there? No, you're not staying in there.

Our experiences are so different. Somebody dropped by my house the other day at around 8 a.m., and I was not ready to receive visitors, which I'm never ready, so I came out. Can I help you? Just aggressive as fuck. I'm here about the road maintenance because we live down a dirt road. And I was like, I'm not interested because I've been ripped off on road maintenance before.

And I really would rather just prefer it rough because then people don't go 45 down the road. Don't fix the ruts. Yeah, that's been my thing the whole time. Just don't fix it. It's just got a bunch of speed bumps in it. Leave it alone. They fixed it. Now they're trying to put speed limit signs up.

You can't enforce, you stupid ass. You're a cul-de-sac. A speed limit? Yeah. Cops came out of nowhere. Right in the maintained road. 15 miles an hour. Good luck with that, dumbass.

But I lost my shit on him. And he's like, well, it doesn't matter if you're interested or not you signed a covenant or whatever the fuck it is and I was like I didn't sign shit and he's like you got paperwork and I know that it's bullshit and I was like I didn't buy my fucking house from you I'm not interested you don't have to buy your house from me he started yelling back at me

and he was like you signed a thing and you have to contribute to the road agreement and I just told him you don't give a fuck you have your lawyer contact me you're on private property right now you better get the fuck out told him, you don't give a fuck. I go, you have your lawyer contact me. You're on private property right now. You better get the fuck out of here if you don't want to get hurt. So he takes off fucking ready.

He's like 70. Oh, God. You chased off my dad? Yeah, I chased off the old fucking retired firefighter from Chicago, new road maintenance guy. The new guy on the block. I introduced myself. The neighbors just don't tell him about you.

That's it. Nobody has told him about me yet. But then I got to think about it. This podcast episode is going to come out in nine years. Doug Standup laughed while his best friend Chad Shank talked about elderly abuse. Yelled a man into a heart attack. I am a diplomat. And I will say, after I thought about it for a while after I smoked weed for a while

I was like you know what I really don't need to have an enemy in my own neighborhood it's not in my best interest to have somebody who's willing to call the cops on me or escalate you know I need to fix this right away so I called him up and I just explained it and I go look I have a thing

with people showing up at my house unannounced I said and so I respond a little antagonistically if that happens. I said, I'll contribute to the road fund. I said, you got my number, so you don't ever have to come over to my house and experience that again. But I apologize. He was cool. Look at Chad growing. No, it's just that I know what's in my best interest.

I don't want to fucking. Well, that's growth. Come on. It's selfish. I don't know how to grow. Well, it's just that I know what's in my best interest. I don't want fucking... Well, that's growth. Come on. I still... It's selfish. I don't know how to grow it. Well, potato, potato. Yeah, whatever.

It made me seem nice in the end, and that's really what mattered. Well, that's good. Valentina brought you KFC. Wow. Holy cow. A lot of KFC. A lot of it. That steak ain't going to get ate tomorrow.

Might as well hand me a cigarette now. Oh, no, that's just for the cigarettes you've been smoking. She hasn't smoked at all. Hey, I've got to tell you. She smoked at Joby's at the Funner House the other day. We're waiting on a phone call now while we're talking. Bobby Caldwell, notesfromthepen.com, will be calling us from the parnell uh

correctional facility in michigan the person who contacts me doug is that that's not him that's mama c okay yeah it's mom yeah i keep thinking it's him he's got a podcast i was listening to it i got like 28 minutes in and a fucking internet kept going down. But it's at notesfromthepen.com. Go check out his podcast. He podcasts from prison. Everybody's got a podcast now. We do have a couple of questions from Patreon and email that have been submitted. And they're not what you would think.

Like, did you drop the soap or something? Yeah, yeah. People, like, none of that came in. So I was like, I thought maybe they thought it was a different podcast that was asking for that because it seems like your fans would be. I just finished a prison book. It's Garrett Phillips. He's a fan that we've met before years ago at the Atlanta Punchline.

I don't remember, of course. But, yeah, he did three years. He was a deal in ecstasy and other drugs and fucking got busted. Did three years in North Carolina and wrote a book about it. And it's the first book I've ever read that a fan sent. Because generally I don't have the time and I don't care about whatever your book is. But this, I love prison shit and it was a really good book. I just finished it today. So that was the only book other than Alex's,

uh, rough draft that I've read during quarantine. So thank you, Garrett Phillips. Uh, the book is called, uh, look out for shorts. Yeah. It's explained in the book. Sounds like an electrician's manual. Yeah. But hang on. I get the website. Yeah. It's yeah.

Lookoutforshorts.com. I highly recommend it. Self-published, right? Yeah. Self-published, but really fucking well done. There's someone contacted us, Peter Woolley. He ordered a book for you and I probably wouldn't be telling you this, but because of Bobby Caldwell calling it and everything.

It's called Insanity, My Mad Life by Charles Bronson. Oh, yeah. Not the actor. He's basically – he went into prison for robbing a post office. He got away with the huge sum of 12 pounds, and he's done 30 years in solitary. He's considered the

most badass. Is he still alive? I think I watched a documentary on that guy. There's a documentary and a movie. The 2008 movie with Tom Hardy is called Bronson. I think I've seen them both. Dude's name is Charles Arthur Slavidor,

and he's referred in the British press as the most violent prisoner in Britain. So I don't know if that's something you want to read, but I would definitely flip through that because I did see the documentary on him, and that guy's a motherfucker. 30 years solitary. Oh, yeah, that'll help him.

That probably fixed him right up. I don't think that's for the post office robbery. Yeah, that's... You know, I get an email from... It had a link to some kind of brain trauma breakthrough or some shit. I didn't click on it. But it was from Vince Fluke.

He's alive? Yeah. Vince Fluke disappeared forever. Remember, he was the guy in the desert. We always tried to ditch, and he was always... Okay, hold on. He came to the desert when the time right after Hedberg died, and Shawcroft came out to the desert.

Which, that's all we can say. Caldwell. Enjoy the opening cell phone. This is a prepaid call from a prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections Parnell Facility. If you feel you're being

victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GTL Customer Service at 852- To accept this call, press 0. To refuse this call, your current balance is $12. Wow, now people know I have money. This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring and recording let people in it thank you for using gtl people knew that hey hey how's that sound okay sounds uh sounds good i was talking to chaley not, dimwit. Oh, shit. Fucked it up already.

Yeah, I was just listening to your podcast, Bobby. And then at the 28-minute mark, my internet died. But, yeah, it was fucking fun. Something different, right? Yeah. You're a smart dude. Yeah, do you have a name for it? Or is it just notes from the pen? Yeah, it's the notes from the pen podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, you know, me and you talked a little bit when we first started writing back and forth about, you know, the frustration with, like, prison reform shit, you know what I mean? And not everyone wants to read shit, but that was, like, my only outlet for a while. Yeah, that was going to be my note listening to the podcast, and I understand it

but yeah stop shitting on yourself and stop wondering what the people listening want to hear you just bring what you find interesting and what you think they need to hear fuck them yeah yeah i can i can uh dig the stanhope approach for sure but uh yeah what i really wanted to do with the shit though, was I was like, I don't know, like, uh, it's like a two side,

double sided coin for me. I wanted to, uh, I feel like if, if inmates or prisoners are going to be, um, if we want to be treated like humans, we gotta be fucking seen as humans.

Right. So I wanted to find a way to, to make more people out there feel like they know somebody in prison. And if that has to be through a fucking podcast or whatever, then that would be good. And then I also wanted to be like a thorn in the side of the fucking prison industrial complex, you know? Hold them accountable and kind of bring every, welcome everyone into the fray and kind of let everyone direct no fucking middleman bullshit. Do you fear any backlash? Yeah, a little bit, but none of that does anything but inspire me.

You know, like, some backlash that's worth something for a change instead of just the ridiculous nonsensical backlash in here would be a would be a nice change so none of that shit i would let ever let that shit deter me you know what i mean we have uh we have uh questions from our patreon members you want to do that first or did you have an agenda no i just i just kind of was uh i've been just it wasn't even an agenda i just been so excited about the way this podcast is turning out that i just wanted to talk about that a little bit but but the questions are part of the fucking podcast and and everything too because that's the whole point of the podcast is to give people an inside look and i know

before i got locked up there was tons of shit i wanted to know about and stereotypes and pre preconceived notions I had. Yeah, sure. Chaley was just saying that he was happy that the questions he got were actually legitimate, interesting questions and not just, did you drop the soap kind of shit. Yeah. Yeah, for people who don't know Bobby Caldwell, notesfromthepen.com. Why are you in there?

That's all spelled out on his website. Go there to catch up on his story. You've been in since 2013? Yeah, the end of 2013. All right, and you're in until 2025? Correct. What a long, strange trip it's been. The podcast is available on Apple Podcasts,

and he's got five episodes. You did a part one and part two of episode two. But, yeah, you did five. I mean, you're up on Apple Podcasts, so you got something going on there. We're on Spotify, too. We're on Spotify and all the major platforms and shit. I would say you're on Amazon Prime,

where I still can't get my special up. Yeah, we turned Amazon Prime down. It's not working out for us. Boo you. Apple Podcast is where you want to be, Bobby, which is, you're already there, but that's

where everyone gets like, everyone takes their stats from Apple Podcast. Good, good. Thanks, Jay. And they get everyone, if you like it, Everyone gets like – everyone takes their stats from Apple Podcasts. So be on there right there. Thanks, Sherry. And then get everyone – if you like it, write something in the comments because that gets them voted up in searches and stuff. So if you're digging it, then tell them so in the notes. What is it?

I don't know. Notes from the pen. No, not that. Notes from the – oh. Like reviews. Reviews. Reviews. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Notes from the pen. No, not that. Like reviews. Reviews, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll help you a lot too.

So you want to definitely say that during your podcast. Yeah, speaking of, you can also do that for my special on Amazon Prime and iTunes if you only want the audio version, but you can still leave a review. Thank you for mentioning that. Let's hit some questions. Bobby only has 15 minutes, and we've burned five of them all right uh bobby can you call back thank you for using gtl what he said something and then you said like like he got cut off and then you started right yeah he just got shank Yeah. That's the end of that podcast.

I mean, he just got this one. He's going to call back in. He'll call back. He said he gets 15. Yeah. So we'll go right into the questions. I've got, let me see, one, two. He's probably been preparing for fucking, since yesterday when we decided to do this,

or the day before. He's probably been putting a set list together. You're fucking smart, dude. Someone has questions for me regarding podcast gear or something, and that's why I asked you. Is it his mom or is it him? Oh, yeah. Is there any way that he can send things right to me? Are we doing a Chinese telephone thing?

I think he's going through her. Can he email at all uh i'm not sure i think i started emailing him i didn't write out long form letters handwritten letters so yeah it must be email but i don't know if she transcribes them or i'm not quite sure yeah i know even in jail i think for the last part of while my daughter was there, they started issuing them tablets and they could email and message and stuff back and forth, but it's all so locked down.

Somebody else has to read it and decide if it can even move forward. So how is she good? Going to school, hanging out. She managed to exploit some sort of COVID reparations or whatever the fuck they call them. For having to be in lockdown, do you mean? I don't even know exactly what it was,

but she got like a big chunk of money and then a monthly check. I go, I'm finally proud of one of my children. They learned how to exploit government programs. You teach them what you know. That's why I've been disappointed for so long. My one son,

I was like, go get food stamps, you dumb fucker. You're just hungry all the time, you poor bastard. I got yelled at by Brian Hennigan last night. How is Hennigan? He's cranky. Yeah, well, everyone's been having their moments. But I was fucking, again, drastically high and on Twitter,

trying to be positive and say nice things or something. It seemed like a nice outlet. And just within fucking minutes, someone saying the dumbest shit. I'm like, I can't do this. But then someone said, hey, I can't get your fucking special. And then someone tweeted a link to a torrent. And I retweeted it. And I get a call from an angry Hennegan.

But that's not going to pay my bills. I go, I would have retweeted Amazon Prime if it was up there. And then 10 minutes later, he sent me a text. I don't know. He called me this morning again, too. I don't know what came. I wasn't even drunk and I was in a good mood. I don't know why that rubbed me the wrong way.

Don't worry. It's going around. Everybody's getting a bit cranky. COVID cranky. Yeah, we're at the fucking, we were worse as a state than Brazil as a country as of yesterday

per capita. We're number one. Stop with your fucking oh, it's not the infections, it's the deaths or whatever. Shut up. I'm a fucking dead man. Yeah, the things I've heard about the people that go through it and then make it, I mean, most people, you know,

a lot of asymptomatic, but it's not, it fucking ravages the cells in your lungs and stuff. It's fucked up. Because I've been thinking about this a lot, too. So, I mean, because you clearly don't give that much of a fuck about yourself and your health. It's just you don't want to die that way. Right. Is that it?

Because that's how I've been trying to think, too. And I'm like, there's people, like, for years, people have been going, you know, health, heart disease. And the CDC, the government issues health, heart disease and the CDC. The government issues a lot of these warnings and stuff, but nobody ever fucking cares. I think it's just the miserable way you drown to death on yourself or whatever. Puss and blood. And no one near you. No one in the room. I like that.

Well, yeah. I really want to get. That's how you dream at night. I really want to get Doc Mark on the podcast because he works the fucking emergency room in Tucson for, again, his fourth month too.

Going, yeah, this is all bullshit. It's overblown. No, it's fucking real. You don't hear any doctors say that. Those two osteopaths that were trying to get airtime. Yeah. That's about it. So do you know he's going to call back?

I think the last time I heard a doctor say anything about Sierra Vista was that there was one patient in Sierra Vista Hospital. Yeah. But that's been like a month or so now. That could be fucking full up by this point. I don't know. I didn't even know they had a hospital in Sierra Vista. Well, yeah.

We pass it. I just think everybody came to Bisbee's shithole hospital. They got better roads if they did. Actually, there's a big billboard. There's a huge billboard on the highway right before the hospital in Sierra Vista that says, go to Bisbee, and it has stats about how shitty of a hospital Sierra Vista is. Oh, really?

Yeah. Wow. I don't know who took it out, but it was a good one. Here we go. All right. Call back? Hello. Hello.

This is a prepaid call from... I keep putting my... A prisoner at the District Department of Corrections. Parnell, facility. If you feel you have been victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GPL customer service at 85... To accept this call, press 0. Please contact GTL customer service at 852- To accept this call, press 0.

This call is from a corrections facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. It's funny you should mention Retribution. GTL is not a sponsor. They cut all the phone lines In the phone banks I'm on off Everyone was just like what the fuck Alright well you got a fresh 15 now

So Shall we just hit you with the questions Let's go with them Alright hey Bobby He has a question He wants to know about prison life And have you seen any prisons that are disabled let's go with them. All right. Hey, Bobby, Hiro Shamaric has a question. He says about, he wants to know about prison life. And have you seen any new prisoners

that are disabled? And if so, how do you adopt to, how do they adopt to prison life? Adapt. Oh, that's, I'm reading what he, yeah, you're right.

Adapt to prison life. And he's wondering because he's a crippled dude who often trades drugs and shit to his friends. And he's wondering how he would fare in prison or if there would be legal trouble. Yeah.

Well, it's nice that you read that like a disabled person in solidarity, too. I like that. That was nice. I'm in character. Yeah, yeah. At every joint, actually, they all have to be handicap accessible. And, yeah, there's plenty of people.

Did he say how disabled he is? Was he paraplegic or something? Did he say? He's just an idiot. No, not me, though. Handicapped. No, not you. No, I know him because he was at the Florida gig with Andy,

and he's the one who gave us a huge bottle of Adderall. And he was wheelchair-bound, and he's the one who gave us a huge bottle of Adderall, and he was wheelchair-bound, but he still can't walk, but I don't know at what level. He might have just been trying to get a free seat. Yeah, the problem is there's a bunch of stairs, right, but they're not going to go

easy on you because you're crippled or you have a disability. They have little elevators and shit, and if you're in a prison like the one I'm in, which is almost 100 years old now, they just put you on the base level. So yeah, I once, side note, I once seen a dude get into a fight with a guy in a wheelchair

and he just Spartan kicked the guy in the chest, right? But somehow the guy got the better of him, beat the shit out of the guy in the wheelchair, beat the shit out the guy got the better of him. Beat the shit out of the guy in the wheelchair. Beat the shit out of the other guy. He came out with his wife. That was going to be my follow-up question, is if they had to fight the guys in the wheelchair. But I guess they do.

Other guys in the wheelchair. Yeah, but he wasn't completely. I think he was running half a scam trying to sue the MDLC. So he got up when he needed to get up. But I've seen a guy get Spartan kicked in a wheelchair. What's a Spartan kick? Like flying. This is Sparta from 300 where I kicked a guy down the well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I'll try and do better with this one, Bobby. Don't. It says – I'm trying to see who wrote this. Sometimes they don't give us a name. But this guy, he's a fish and wildlife cop. And sometimes he responds to police calls if he's the closest car in the area.

And he wants to know, how do you feel about cops in general? Well, I'm a bit biased. My first felony ever was, I think i told you this story doug was uh i got the shit kicked out of me by an off-duty but fully dressed uniformed cop in in orlando last name was officer cute which believe me i was digging into him about that and uh beat the shit out of me so bad well like once i was handcuffed that uh he was they that I split the bottom of my chin open, my lip was all fucked up and I was bleeding everywhere and he threw me on the hood of the car and I was like, how can I get

this prick to stop beating me? And I was there with a girl, we went out to Orlando to go to the clubs and shit, and there were a bunch of people outside in a crowd and I got the brilliant idea while I'm bloody and he's covered in my blood to tell him that from the hood of the car I look up and I tell him I have HIV. I said, I got HIV. And he looks at the blood on his hands and he goes, uh, that's nothing to joke about.

And then I was like, yeah, who the fuck's joking? And then he gingerly put me in a fucking in a squad car and it was pretty, uh, no after that. But I don't know i don't i've uh i've always had a bias i think a lot of um the people who work in law enforcement are kind of self-selecting right so there are people with an agenda whether it's conscious or subconscious right they're they're bullies or they were they were bullied or they're juice heads or or you know steroid whatever they're they've got complexes about them that leads them to that work. If we were to change some of that, I might feel different.

I still judge people individually, I guess. I'm trying to overcome that internal bias I have against them. It's not like I think every cop is a piece of shit human being, but I think this says something about you to join that profession. You're a smart dude. i know that you can make uh you know you could be a diplomat with co's uh is that frowned upon like if you're too buddy buddy with a co or do they just see that as fucking work in an angle um no when i first came to prison i was because of the amount of time i

had i was in maximum maximum security prisons so level four and uh there it's like the really hardened convict attitude so there it's like we don't say shit to the cops you can be cordial to them but we don't talk to them at all and then as you work your way down to lower levels you see that culture change a little bit and people do. And my first ticket, which is like a misconduct over getting in trouble while you're in jail, I mean prison, and was an influence ticket where I was shooting, shooting off at the mouth to one of the CEOs and he didn't like it.

And I learned this stuff that you got to pick your battles. And then as the years that went on, I just years went on, I've made a lot of growth. I meditate and shit all the time. I really try my best daily to do some sort of positive practice and shit. And through that, I just started dealing with people on individual levels and be cordial with them. And it's not really frowned upon if you're cordial. But if you're whispering to them and having long conversations, it's kind of weird.

It's weird. But, no, I treat them all right. And life's a lot better knowing how to just deal with people because they're already on edge and view us as the other and vice versa. You know what I mean? And so you break down some of those walls and shit, and it makes life a little easier. All right. Go ahead. What do you got, Chaley?

Hey, I got one more for you, Bobby. This is from Adam. He says, hey, how do you go from being so depressed that you want to die to having this insanely positive attitude? Jesus Christ, that's a fucking million-dollar question. You were talking about, on that podcast, about super positive Bobby.

Yeah, annoyingly positive Bobby. I'm such a cynical asshole that sometimes I hear myself speaking these realizations I've had and I hate myself for it but they're true so I fucking I still uh I have to just be honest about the changes I've made well I don't know I think everyone has their own issue going on right but for me I had lost everything right I had to lose everything and found myself in a in a moment like with this instantaneous like realization about victimhood and not not having like self-reliance or responsibility and and and just in the blink of an eye from selfish shit I mean I've always had depression issues and shit like that but

getting into those in the blink of an eye I destroyed everything I ever fucking loved and I really had no other choice I couldn't even I realized like right after I got out of surgery for blowing half my fucking hand off that I couldn't even kill myself anymore like I didn't even have that option because I'd already fucking caused more pain than one person should be able to cause inadvertently or not in 10 lifetimes. Right. So instantly I was like, that's out of it. I can't do that now.

So I really had no choice. It's kind of cliche. I guess it's a rock emotional, spiritual, whatever you want to call it, rock bottom. But I, I had no choice.

And I'd already known about meditation a little bit, and I just decided, literally decided I'll never fucking be a victim or have the victim mentality or pour me or give in to any struggle or difficulty ever again. And then the work started. Like, okay, well, how the fuck do you do that? And it started with meditation and brutal self-reflect and honesty and shit. I was going to ask you if you have, like, prison psychs, but the podcast I listened to,

your co-host was saying that people come to you for spiritual guidance now. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's a way to put it, I guess. But yeah, people come to me curious and they want to like, they'll hear shit like, you know, Hey, can you teach me how to meditate? And you know, I would like, whatever I have any, I have a trouble, trouble complimenting myself or painting myself in any, anyway. Yeah. and it helps me and it's it's uh you know i try to do it as humble as i can and and it just shows you the need for some sort of some sort of reformation and it's up to us to do it in here because it's not really there are psychs in here but they're you see them once a month and they just put you on this weird medicine and

i was on like antidepressants and shit and i got yanked off of them because I lost my job. And between jobs, I didn't have insurance. And that's kind of my brain was fucked when all this shit happened. Can you trade your psych meds for smokes? No, there's no smokes anymore. They got rid of them in 2008, even though, let's just say. Stamps? Yeah, yeah, you definitely can.

Is that a form of currency there because that book i i know it makes you crazy jealous like issues with andy makes me but uh he was talking about stamps were the uh form of currency uh they used to be not so much anymore we got those jpay tablets and shit um soups soups are like the but it's food it's mainly food you know soups are 35 cents three soups is a dollar stamps used to be but you know the conversion rate isn't real good so if you have a dollar in stamps it's only worth like 50 cents of food once trump says he's getting rid of the post office all of a sudden prison currency turmoil hey bobby uh you want to get

this you said something about Smoking there's no smoking It was outlawed in 2008 but There's still smoking right Tobacco Alright well let's not be narcs Jaylee Remember on his end Getting monitored

No Jaylee I'm just breaking your balls You knew a guy what? I knew a guy he used to say Yeah keister some top And top Cigarette tobacco And that's how they used to get it

Into the prison in Seward in Alaska Yeah I've watched them roll up A keister package before Going god damn Well that was the title of that book Look out for shorts is about The guy sweeping up up a keister package before going, God damn. Well, that was the title of that book. Look Out for Shorts is about the guys sweeping up because they'd smoke rollies. And if you collected enough shorts, you could make a fucking rollie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shit, I was doing that in the world. Just fucking leaving the grocery store. Just leaving the grocery store. I'm picking up Mistys with pink lipstick on the end but uh yeah uh yeah no i mean listen if people are going to get shit in it's not it's not too often that it's that because there's other stuff more valuable you know what i mean but there has you know yeah it's, it's around. It's around.

It's not like the prevalent thing constantly, but every once in a while this shit will pop up. Questions? That's it. That's all we got. But if you do want to send us questions for Bobby Caldwell, we'll do this again. Just get on the Patreon and message us on there or go to stanhopepodcasts at gmail.com. Fucking awesome. stanhopepodcasts at gmail.com awesome yeah and I just can I say something real quick about

this podcast shit right so like when I started notes from the pen it was kind of this rebellious way to like say fuck this place like I'm gonna see if it's an experiment to see if I can stay connected to the outside world even though that's their whole goal is to cut you off right so I started with just writing and then

it went to Facebook, and then the website, and then Twitter, and then somehow one of my favorite comedians is my friend now, and now it's podcasting and shit. And it has to be like this grassroots movement thing, right? And it has to be, this isn't just like a one-sided thing. Like, yeah, I want to have a podcast and have people listen to me and shit. It's for a purpose i want i want to um i want to create a fucking seeming seemingly like paradox paradoxical thing where it's almost like i just want to put them in the

position to be like what are we going to do and i also want people to uh to be able to start viewing inmates or prisoners for the sake of prison reform as human beings, because we're fucking human beings in here. And not everyone can get on here and do a podcast and fucking talk like I can talk and shit. But so the whole, to make this worth anything, this whole prison sentence, is important to me to try to get this out here and to have people go listen to this podcast, whether it's on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or whatever it is, to try to get this out here and to have people go listen to this podcast, um, visit,

whether it's on Apple podcasts or Spotify or whatever it is. And to, and to tell people about it and share it with your friends and shit. Cause I'm telling you, it's a good fucking podcast. There's nothing like it. It's great. You have one minute remaining. It's pretty.

It's real. Well, go out there and spread this shit like fucking wildfire. That's my fucking final thought. I you guys and Shaylee you did fucking amazing we're gonna get you a speech coach and we'll fix all that stuff thank you and I knew

that book thing Doug I knew that was in response to me and Andrus budding relationship message received I love you guys be good in response to me and Andrus' budding relationship. Message received. Goodbye. I love you guys. Be good.

And Stan, hope you're the fucking saint. I love you guys. Be good. We'll have you on again, sir. Love you. Yes, sir. All right, peace. Yeah, when I was reading his stuff at notesfromthepen.com

and reading that book, that's the only way I could see mentally getting through prison would be to do it thinking I'm an investigative journalist. I'm embedded. I have to write about this. Deep undercover. Yeah. I like what he said. He knows not a lot of people can do what he's doing.

He's got the skills to tell the story. He's also built it up from writings to doing all of these things. This isn't him just going like, hey, let's do a podcast like an open mic comic would. He's built something over a period of time where he's able to express himself. Yeah, that's badass. That's really badass. So it's Notes from the Pen podcast. It's on to express himself. Yeah. That's badass. That's really badass. So it's a notes from the pen podcast. It's on Apple podcasts.

Go there, review it. He's got five podcasts up already. Uh, it says, uh, here's the description, a pebble in the shoe of the prison industrial complex.

So, and I guess all he does is he calls someone on the outside in 15 minute chunks. And those are the podcasts. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't know. I haven't listened to it yet,

so I'm definitely going to check it out. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I just listened to episode four is the one he told me to listen to first before we did this podcast. And as a lot of our early goofs, like, I just rambled forever. We suck.

No, you don't suck. Stop saying that. Well, how many do we do before we even put them out? I mean, we would put out, we would record podcasts. It wouldn't even. I didn't want to put it in your head, but every time I talk to him on the phone, he sounds like someone, and I want to say Mishka,

but Mishka is more dravel. It is Mishka? It is, because that's the same thought I just had five minutes ago. All right, good. Well, I guess Mishka, but Mishka's more dravel- It is Mishka? It is, because that's the same thought I just had five minutes ago. Alright, good. Well, I guess Mishka got more gravelly because he- A little- Yeah, he ran out of song ideas. It's cat fur

stuck in his throat. Ah! It'll be a minute. Alright, let's take a break, because I've It'll be a minute. Oh. All right, let's take a break, because I've got to eat this fucking Arby's sandwich. It's going cold before my eyes, so we're going to take a quick break.

Listen, they were worried about people looting Coquille. Well, when I was a kid, I used to loot the fuck out of Coquille. I'd go down there, I'd wear knee-high socks, and I would line my socks with bubble yum. Like 15, 20 packs. I'd take a whole box of bubble yum, and I walked out. That's not looting. That's just straight-up shoplifting, dude. Looters don't bother to put bubble yum in their socks.

They just carry it out through the broken window yeah i just imagine andy with 20 packs of bubble gum in his fucking knee-high socks walking out of this well what i what i did was i i don't even i i was self-taught and uh i grew up in a time with you know with uh well there was very little parental supervision which backfired on me later. Hey, everybody. It's me, Brett Erickson from the Issues with Andy podcast. We love you, Killer Termites, and we hope you'll tune in and check us every Friday. Issues with Andy on YouTube. Yeah.

It's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka. If you want to join our Patreon, it's $5 a month, and we do this twice a week on there, too. So that's where we're going to go right now.

We'll see you. Now we're going to go right now. We'll see you. Wow, we're back. We are back. I got Arby's in my teeth. That's why I fucking needed Arby's. To fill the spaces in between your teeth? The afterword of the book I read, he goes,

yeah, I didn't need a steak and lobster dinner when I get out. I was happy with Arby's. And the springs in the cushion, that's hot. That's a hot asterisk. Okay. Yeah, and I go, fuck, I want Arby's. Fortunately, Valentina was on her way to Sierra Vista.

When I was a kid, I was driving home from Fairbanks, Alaska, and I had driven forever, and I think I was all the way down into California, and I started talking to myself, and that's one of the things. I don't remember what I first said to myself, but then I remember I immediately yelled back,

well, I'm stopping at a fucking Arby's, that's for sure. And I'm like, oh shit, apparently I've missed Arby's. I didn't know that until I just screamed it at myself. I love Arby's. I didn't know that until I just screamed it at myself. I love Arby's. You're your own Alexa. In 1999.

We have some fun podcasts coming up. But I can't talk about that. That one. I'm surprised you wanted to put that off. I can't talk about that. That one. Yeah, I'm surprised you wanted to put that off. Well, yeah, I can. I've been high every day for fucking 15 days. Not now, but every...

I've been high every day for 15 years. I know. That's what you do. Plus 15 years. Well, that's why I don't do things, I guess. That's what your point, I guess. Yeah, it was not... Like, this requires coordination, and I don't know how to do it.

Speaking of which, Nate Craig, thank you very much for being on the podcast. We all enjoyed his special, and then I've been seeing some replies on Twitter and stuff because of the podcast that went out. At Hype Man on Twitter. At Hype Man on Twitter, correct. Yeah, and watch that special. It's so fucking good. For the customer,

go to All Things Comedy and just search Nate Craig and you'll get it. It's free. Oh, yeah. We watched Eddie Pepitone. I fucking love Eddie Pepitone. He's one of those guys that no one doesn't love him.

I've only seen him at the comedy store like rolling around. I don't really know. But then I see him on... He does movies. He does cameos and stuff. He's in the background.

And he might have a line or he might not. But you go, oh, that's fucking Eddie Pepitone. Yeah. Yeah, they put him in the pictures. Yeah, he's so fucking good. Right when I rolled up to JT's Altercation Fest last year. Oh, he was the headliner. Eddie Pepitone was on.

And so I got to listen to half of his sets when I first walked up. Fucking funny. He's one of those guys that I assume if you see him like at the cellar, like a tell, like their special will never be good as seeing them live. And it's good but you know just free balling eddie pepitone is brilliant he's got a documentary oh he's got a movie on amazon prime eddie pepitone for the masses did you know about that maybe you can do something for him maybe give him a call maybe he knows somebody people get in touch with his people, maybe he can do something. It's fucking crazy.

I don't know what to do about that, but I don't care. Do you wonder if somebody there thinks it's a cancelable type thing? They don't want to put something like what you talk about on your social media? No, because the audio is up there. They just think I'm ugly. They don't want to put the video up. You are ugly. It's hard to argue with that.

I can find certain poses in a mirror. The opposite of the Facebook angle. Something like that. He gravitates to the worst angle possible. I've been working out every day since the last poker stream we did here because partway through it,

I looked up to the big screen where we were looking at the chat and saw my big fat self from the side view. I whispered to Valentine, I'm like, can you go bump that camera and just bump it so that I'm just off out of frame sitting over here. So she goes over and she's doing it all sly. Stan hopes, are you having her move you out of the frame of the sitting over here. So she goes over and she's doing it all sly. Stan hopes, are you having her move you out of the frame of the camera? Yeah.

Did you see yourself on the screen and you're fucking fat? Yeah. I saw it too. Thanks, Dick. Thanks so much for the subtle part of that. It is a little weird to have your Twitch stream and you be invisible you must not have saw that angle ain't nobody want to see that we'll get you from behind next time i've been working out every day

i remember being a kid at my grandmother's house and uh we hated going to grandma's house and i suddenly kicked my mother under the table like, let's go. Why are you kicking me? What, are you already anxious to leave? Why are you kicking me under the table? Shut up. Don't do that. Yeah, that's what she did.

It was funny, though, so I appreciated it. But it's also like the other night, Joby was telling us that you floated an idea to him about, wouldn't it be funny if we all got together and just roasted each other oh yeah uh around here and i immediately tapped out on that no not me i well the first thing i said was yeah i know exactly what's that all his friends are self-hating mean fucks and he wants us to come over here and say mean things to each other he doesn't want friends anymore well i'll just disappear and stop talking to each other,

and it's a good plan. I like it, but I'm out. I said that. I go, I can't write good roast jokes because I just go to mean, and it's not, oh, you cut to the quick. Yeah, that's the only thing I know how to do is be mean to people. And it's not that I have, it might be that I have thin skin, but I spend a lot of time hating me and realizing what I have, it's not that I have, it might be that I have thin skin, but I spend a lot of time hating me and realizing what I am

and the thought that somebody might come up with an angle that, and they probably will, that I don't, that I'm not already aware of. It's like seeing your big fat self from the side angle. Ah, fuck. That's worse than the one that you think is really bad. And they nail that one, you'd be mortified. I'd leave. But then they go further. Yeah, it would be one that you think is really bad. And they nailed that one. You'd be mortified. But then they go further.

Yeah, it would be too much. I'd be gone. I wouldn't have friends anymore. I'd just go home and be a hermit again and go, all this time I thought I knew all the angles of douchebaggery that I was. Turns to find out, comes to find out, everybody else saw me as a way bigger douchebag. I don't even know me. I'm like, where are they? Like, I know I'm a douchebag, guys.

I'm just trying not to be too big on every school year. I think you just stumbled upon an idea. Let's do a self-roast. Everyone goes up and goes, oh, yeah. I'm in for that. I'm in for that. I'll run sound. Oh, man.

I would. I'll win. Oh, don't worry. I'll write yours for you, Chaley. Yeah, you'll write it for me. Gotcha. I got doctors on my side. I don win. Oh, don't worry. I'll write yours for you, Chaley. Yeah, you'll write it for me. Gotcha. I got doctors on my side. I don't.

I just canceled my doctor the other day. I have to do phone call doctors now. And he's like, you just sound miserable. Yeah, doc, I'm fucking miserable. Well, have you been taking that medicine? I go, no, because you told me I have to, you know, it's complicated. And I can't do complicated. I can't do simple.

So that's not going to, complicated is not going to work for me. So I told her, I think we're just done. I really wish you'd let me decide that. We only talk on the phone, so I guess you could call back if you want. But I'm done. I don't know what the fuck you're going to do. What can I say about myself that you haven't already said behind my back?

That's my roast start. I would be on board with that. It's just the whole... We're definitely doing open mic. For the Twitch. The Twitch, we're going to do open mic. I just put new lights in. The 11th.

There's a date? Yeah. The calendar right here. Well, I don't touch your stuff. Is that in the middle of Audible? Ooh. That's in the middle of Audible. Oh.

Well, no. It's a Saturday. They're not going to be doing Saturday night fucking Audible. We're doing it until it's done. They got me signing so much paperwork. I know. I had to get fucking releases. That's why I don't have a job.

That's why I started playing bass guitar. Because I didn't want people saying, hey, did you fill that thing out? I don't have a job, says the guy who's still sawing things at fucking 930 at night. That's different than someone going, you know, we noticed you haven't logged into your... Ah, Jesus! I just want to put the volume up and send you the thing. I've done this before.

Why is it complicated now? There's eight pages of documents that I have to sign and they do a background check and all this stuff. That's good. I want you to do that for your podcast. Oh, yeah, you're going to have to do piss tests. No, for this podcast. I am right now.

I just implemented that. Make sure there's piss test. Make sure everybody's fucked up. Yeah. And I have to get really close to your penis to make sure it's not one of those squeeze bottle things. I'll hold it. A Louis J. Gomez fake penis. Yeah, so we're starting recording on the 6th.

Wait, I thought it was generally in that time frame between the 6th and the 20th. It's a date I got. Oh, all right. Well, I asked Hennigan. Anytime after that, you're going to be paying golden time. No, this should – That's not a – They really think it's going to take two weeks?

It's the three-day project tops. I don't know. It should be a one-day project, but then they can look for misfires. I've read this out loud to myself in a day. A couple times. What did we do the other ones in? Four?

It's like four or five. I mean, it's not three. Hungover. I remember one time looking down and going, Four or five. I mean, it's not three. Hungover. I know. I remember one time looking down and going, shit, that's not plugged in. It's all the paperwork this time, Jamie. Well, I bounced the left side to the right side, so I made it work, but I was very hungover that first night.

I'm like, oof. Remember the first time we tried it we tried it on adderall oh yeah so that's a bad idea that's a bad idea that's a good that's a good thing to remember i remember we had to go back at the end we did so well not on adderall that at the end we went back and redid the parts we did on addderall. That was not paced well. We should have kept notes. Yep. Well, yeah, this is a... Yeah, it'll be fun to get back to that.

I need a fucking project. Like all of you out there, we're all losing our shit a little bit here and again. Fucking eye on the prize, and you don't know what the prize is anymore and uh yeah fucking day at a time can't wait till everybody gets suicidal and then i can start handing out tips notes from the cul-de-sac it's a dead end Yeah Absolutely We got a fucking Ton of thank yous

You want to get to them? Shit bro I even got some stuff Change the magazine Well that's Let me just say Bobby Caldwell We gave it out earlier

I'll say it again If you want questions for Bobby You want to submit to us Just go to If you're on Patreon Just message me there Or go to Stanhopepodcast At gmail And put like Bobby Caldwell in the subject line and we'll do that. Also, if you have a question, same thing.

That's how we're doing it. Read his blog, notesfromthepen.com. I've read a lot of it. I haven't listened to the podcast yet, but I've read a lot of his blog. And he's a beautiful writer. And you hear him. He's funny, witty. Yeah.

Tells stories. And I can't wait to check out the podcast notes from the pen available on uh apple podcast and it fucking it makes his life you know you're you're keeping someone inspired in the you know fucking dire circumstances all prisons should be abolished doesn't work alright well I just gave you a couple I opened that at the last minute because it was Brittany sent a package for everyone like

Joby, Kenny fucking Meatwig fucking Henry Phillips so yeah I haven't delved into it I opened it up and I saw two packs of cigarettes and a lighter. Alright. So, thank you

Brittany. Lena G from over there in the UK. I like your toes. My little storybook boy. There's a cover of a Bingo Bingaman song. She sent me a t-shirt. Lenaena g you sent a fucking t-shirt that i had to sign for to show that i was 21 i assumed oh it's booze i had to go i had to risk

my life to go into the post office for what i thought was going to be booze it's a t-shirt did this get deleted from the last podcast i was on or is he berating Lena again? Did she send you a t-shirt every week? Sorry, I just remember last time I didn't have my thank yous in order so I got them boiled down. He said he did and then he started doing them and then we stopped.

Okay, I got question marks because this pile got so convoluted and overflowing that I had the things that got sent, but not necessarily matched. So I get the names and things. I don't know who sent what. Matt Namara from Hawaii. Bill Bozeman.

You sent some stuff. There's pocket pussies here. There's flasks to go. Like sneaky flasks to go like sneaky flasks there's the thing of bar taps oh wait there's also SL yeah SL who said mentioned Banjo Randy

our old friend who's dead so I think he said the bar taps someone sent a copy of the Irishman a DVD yeah there's a lot of The Irishman, a DVD. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff. And I don't know who did it. That was for your consideration.

We just brought it back upstairs. Oh, I just found it on the bar. This shit just sits around on the bar. If we did this every day like we used to, I'd remember I did a podcast. Fist goes in you. Clever. He sent a book called Drunken Ramblings. fist goes in you clever he sent a book called Drunken Ramblings

and it's poetry about being drunk and I will definitely re-gift that fist goes in you it's poetry for God's sakes thank you

that's what I meant get that nailed that for God's sakes. Thank you. That's what I meant. Got that. Nailed that. Mike Quindlen. All right, I wrote that down. Thank you, Mike. I don't know if you... I don't know what you sent.

Zach Wynn sent some documentaries. Zach, we love you. And Ryan Cooper sent a giant fucking gift basket with stuff for everyone including $100 in singles for Tracy, Chaley and Chad

he sent four packs I get six packs of smokes after I risked my life to go to the corner store for a carton today you risked my life to go to the corner store for a carton today. You risked my life a couple days ago, and they didn't even have cigarettes. I know. I should have. It was Thursday.

I should have known. They restart Thursday night. Oh, okay. Or afternoon, late afternoon. He sent Hangover Cure. I forget what it's called. It's right there in the blue box. Blowfish. Blowfish. It's right there, the blue box Blowfish Blowfish

And he has a He put a post-it on it This shit actually works Sent a vintage ashtray Jack and Dino Jack and Dino sent us Oh shit, I haven't taken my vitamins In two days.

Looks like condoms. It's probably like the stuff that cleans you out from weed for tests. And they're like, here, take this with 17 gallons of water. And you'll be all better. Yeah, the water is the fucking main ingredient. Jack and Dino sent Joby earplugs and me eye masks. Nice. What's up, Jack and Dino?

Yes. Aspirin and caffeine. Did we already mention the title of the book? That's Bufferin. Bufferin, yeah. Bufferin is a dated reference. One of those aspirins had aspirin and caffeine in it. Yeah.

So someone sent us... I just have this. It doesn't say who. I think those ones were the ones from Brittany. No, this was separate. The hot sauce is from Ryan Cooper. Okay, Ryan. This is one of his favorites.

Not too hot and has cumin. I hope that's cumin and not cum in it. But great with eggs and wings. So, yeah. It opened up a little bit, so I can cum in it. But great with eggs and wings. So, yeah. Oh, nice. It opened up a little bit, so I can already smell it. It smells good. And then Brittany sent us a bunch of stuff.

And I saw this. There's more stuff. I saw this little file, and I thought, whoa. And it says, sand from Siesta Key, Florida. Wah, wah. Let me check that anyway. Yeah, let me check that anyway. Smell it.

Does it smell like the ocean? Yeah, there's so much here and there. Thank you, all of you. Oh, and then there's something. My favorite band in the world is Jellyfish. Oh, that's Ryan Cooper. Ryan Cooper. He says, I fucking love Jellyfish, too.

Thank you very much. He sent me a t-shirt, which is basically the book I just read from them. It's A Brighter Day, which is fucking expensive, but well worth it if you're into Jellyfish. Thank you. Ryan? Yeah, Ryan Cooper.

Yeah, and there was more shit than that. I was waiting. I see that we'll let Tracy open that off the air. I was waiting. I see that Brittany said, we'll let Tracy open that off the air. Oh, okay. Unless you want to open it now. Well, she said off the air all over.

No, no, it didn't say that. Oh. I think this vial should have been off the air. The point being, a couple of these boxes had shit for everybody, and we don't have everybody here. It's like, it ain't football Sunday. So they will get to their destinations. Thank you. everybody here. It's like, it ain't football Sunday. So, they

will get to their destinations. Thank you. Yeah, she's like on furlough or something. I see pictures of Brittany all the time just hanging out at the beach on a boat. I don't think she's working. Well,

I don't know if she was working when she's touring the country with Andy. I guess Andy might have been touring the country with her. Who knows? No, she works as one of those fucking flight arrangers. Yeah, but everyone's down. Yeah, well, yeah, I think she went down

quite a while back. What'd you get, Trace? Signature Firma B. Landing? I don't know what that signature... I don't know what Firma means. What is it? It looks like... It's a tchotchke.

Yeah, it's a tassel you put on your purse to help decorate. I thought that window was open. I wondered why it was so smokey in here. Oh, I thought it was too. No, it's awesome. Yeah, I've got a purse that actually has a couple of things like that. So that'll go in the collection I've got. Anything else, Doug?

Be directly to the thrift store? No. No. Jim Ether. Jim Ether was really fucked up on Twitter the other night. Did I tell you this? Yeah. And I guided him out.

He was just tweeting all this, like, drunken existential self-hatred or whatever. Like, you just usually post some painting he did. He does a lot of our artwork. Yeah, you usually eat all that other stuff in private. I go, hey, honey, why don't we take this private? I got him on DMs and talked him down. Was I making an ass of myself?

No, but it's one of those things you learn on Twitter. It's like driving or fucking whatever. You just don't do it. You know not to do that. It was a nice talk down on DM. I think I've been lucky so far. Whenever I get really in the bad spots, the last thing I ever think about doing

is looking on Twitter or social media. You know what I mean? That's so far down the line of fucking what's going on. I've been lucky so far. I hope I don't get fucked up and start posting all my innermost thoughts. I delete half the tweets I do when I'm happy. I just don't have the confidence. If something makes me smile that I think of usually, then I'll just tweet it.

Like this morning, I was outside taking a leak in flip flops and realized that I can no longer do that. Oh, your neighbor? No, just the arc starts out way out there, but it ends up real close to the fucking toes. Oh, I get it. That's never been an issue before, so that was a turning

point for me today. I saw that tweet and I didn't quite get the oh, piss on your toes. I guess I'm older, fatter. I don't know what makes your fucking piss retract almost to the back of your toes at the end. Just weak streams up at

the end, I guess. It certainly isn't like the racehorse foaming the bottom of the urinal. Yeah, those are the days. Oh, yeah. The workaround is, I think they're like kegels, though, that you do for the workaround is you just hit the stream

and then stop and hit the stream and stop and hit the stream. So that's what I've been trying to do that since I figured out that I'm... It'd be weird if I was... I just don't like the idea in my head of Chad doing kegels. That now lives in my brain.

Next to my truck in basketball shorts and flip-flops. It would be weird if you pissed like a super soaker where it's a fucking heavy stream until right at the end and then it's like a coffee maker finishing up. So air pressure behind it. That's almost, I think, remember I told you guys I had that varicose seal a long time ago.

A varicose vein in my nutsack. Was that the purple mud bunion? No, that was a different thing. Thanks, Tracy. That was a butthole thing. That was a prostate thing. I haven't had that problem anymore. This is a varicose vein that sits in

my nut sack well I've got it on both sides and then I started researching in addition to getting older part of the way nuts work is they have to stay a certain temperature so that they can still be functional

that's why they expand and contract yeah that's why they're up against you or why they're way down well having giant fucking bags of ramen inside your nutsack basically kind of heats things up so now everything is just retreating at an all time high rate

and my nutsack is bigger than ever I think I told you guys before, I have to take a shit. I have to grab a big chunk of it and tuck it under my thigh, under the seat. No, my nutsack. You have to hold it in place. Otherwise, I'm going to shit on it. It's going to be down inside the water.

I've got to pull a large portion of it up so it's an unnaturally large job. Maybe get a seat extension. You can get up higher. Oh, they're going to rip all the veins out of it up so it's an unnaturally large job. Maybe get a seat extension. You can get up higher. They're going to rip all the veins out of it. But I have to go get a... It's like butterflying a shrimp. Why did I engage? I don't want to hear this.

I have to go get a ultrasound of my nutsack. Oh, if we... Do they use jelly if they do that, if we were morning, I have more, I have more to the story.

If we were morning, if we were morning radio, if, if this was morning radio, we would go and do the, a live remote. Well, Chad,

send our intern down with a microphone. No, he's the intern. I would, as long as I had a, a, a, as long as I could with a microphone? No, he's the intern. As long as I could borrow a car, I canceled my appointment yesterday to go because I would have had to have ridden my motorcycle to Tucson. Sitting on your nuts. And I was like, as a diplomat, there is no way that I can ride a motorcycle in 105 degree weather for two and a half hours and then pull my nutsack out and present it to another human being. That's just not a...

Ta-da! Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Part of it's stuck to my leg. Hold on. Let me peel it off like a fruit roll-up. It's a fathead. Give it a minute.

It'll shrink up. You got a fan? Some air on this thing. Gold bond? You're going to need a bigger bottle of lube. You have to go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll reschedule it.

But we ended up having... Well, just take one of our cars and leave your motorcycle. We ended up having kids is what happened. Danny was supposed to take me down in the Jeep, and then we ended up having a bunch of kids, and I couldn't go, so I was like, I'll take my motorcycle, and then I was like, wait a minute, that's not...

Don't do that. So they have to de-vein your bag sack? Yeah, yeah. Pay-per-view? How do we monetize this? I'm trying to knock it out of my head. A younger me would be cringing so hard at thinking of this even happening, but I just want my my nutsack back

to normal so bad so is it like a spider web of veins like like you know what i think of is it's called coal fat it's uh it's in cooking it's like a honeycomb looking uh web of uh of fat but fat spaghetti basically yeah that's about it. Or just like the vein on my wrist right there. Like a bunch of those, you know, just a big, fat,

squishy vein all over. I had a thing. It's causing me great nut pain. Like this? Is it kind of like this? No,

it's heftier than that. Oh, wow. Okay, imagine if you took all that and just Is it kind of like that? No. It's heftier than that. Okay, imagine if you took all that and just balled it into a ball maybe. But it's... It's a picture of call fat, which is whatever it is. Yeah, no, I had a thing on my nut. I had it called Dr. Steve, Weird Medicine Dr. Steve from Opium Anthony. A medicine man? I'm like, what's it...

It felt like a vein that was backed up, and it was swelling, and I had nut pain from it. That's called a stroke. A vein that backs up? No, an aneurysm. That's where it totally swollen. When you had that...

No, that was... Oh, that was a... Actually, that was a wound or something. That's where it swollen for various reasons. Yeah, but if a... Actually, that was a wound or something, wasn't it? It's not swollen for various reasons. Yeah, but if you ignore shit, it goes away. I'm fine right now. No, after you got the vasectomy,

that did not go away. You had the Hinden bag. Yeah, the Hinden bag, but that was... That's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, that was short-lived. That was 2003. But you didn't ignore that.

That was crazy. Well, it just... It goes away. There's nothing you do about it you just wait for it to go away pop it like a zit oh no it's all internal internal bag things but yeah there was another time where it just had this aching nut i thought i had ball cancer because you always think it's cancer at a certain age and uh and then i described it to I forget what it was called, but Dr. Steve. Dr. Steve lives in the most remote part of Tennessee or Kentucky.

Hey, I'll stop and see you. I'm really far away. It's like living in Bisbee. I feel like you might have andressed that story right there. You contacted Dr. Steve. Did you find out that you didn't have cancer via Twitter? You were worried you had cancer and then you contacted someone named Dr. Steve via Twitter. No, I texted him. Oh, all right.

And then you were good. But I, he said, yeah, that's, and then I looked up what he said and I go, that's exactly it. And just ignored it. And it goes away. Everything goes away until you die. Like a water deposit or something? That's one of the things I was reading about. Someone had

the top eight things we can take away as positives from the coronavirus. And one was yeah, I don't really need to go to the fucking doctor. Which I did a bit about. I think it was from across the street. That's why. It was Costa Rica Kevin.

He's like 35 years old, and he's getting a thing burned off of his back because it might be... Oh, just shut the fuck up. Like, that's why... I think that's the gist of that whole bit. Like, that's why fucking healthcare is so expensive is because you fucking run like some nancy down to the clinic every time you have a weird cough i save up until i get about four things

oh i've done that where i i've gone in for like okay i just have to get this script refilled oh while i'm here look at this look at this, look at this, because I don't want that on my permanent record. Just as a buddy. Oh, since I'm here anyway, here's my fucking giant ball sack, pal. I remember having a doctor down there at the clinic at the corner. And he was a Marine Corps low-level general or something. And he had pictures of him and fucking aircrafts and shit all over.

And he was this gruff, old, angry. And that's, I think, when I had the... I don't know what I had, but... What'd you get in that? I had the ingrown hair. I don't even like to fucking think back on that. I had a graphic ingrown hair that went kind of septic

at the cashmere region, the disputed region of the underside of my cock shaft and where my balls start. The DMZ? Yeah. And he's like, and I like, I don't know if it was that because,

no, it wasn't that. That was the other doctor. You just told us that for no reason. No, no, the point is, the fucking Marine Colonel guy, the Marine Colonel guy is the fucking guy. Whatever I had, I pulled my pants all the way down The Marine Colonel guy is the fucking guy. Whatever I had, I pulled my pants all the way down.

And he goes, just pull your pants back up. You don't need to do that. It couldn't have been the ingrown hair. It was something else. But I was so intimidated. I thought, I'm a pussy if I don't pull my pants all the way up. I've seen military movies. And he's like, put your pants back up. Sir, you're here for a sore throat.

Put your pants off. So I'm checking your ear down there. That's the guy. I think I wrote about him in my book. He's the guy that, oh, hernia. That's what it was. It was the amyloid. No, it was the inguinal, the one in your crotch.

He's like, you don't. He's like, I have those on both sides. And then I go, well, I have this fucked up shoulder, another thing that I ignored. You just smashed an inguinal hernia? Yeah. It's like, that is just not a thing. I've had that.

I've had to hold it in while I took a shit. Like, those are bad. Yeah. He goes, I have them on both sides. You've got to hold your nuts up on one side. You should get more fiber in your diet. I haven't even talked to you about my hemorrhoids. That's what it was, Doug, because I remember him telling you,

no, I got that too, and he's like popping his arm out. Yeah, he had everything I had, even my sides. It's like, I just ignore it. There's nothing they can do. It's like Quint on the boat showing scars and jaws. He said, listen, I don't know if he used Tom Brady, but he goes, whatever quarterback. No, he just blew his shoulder out, and they have the best doctors in the world looking at those guys. So, you?

That's a great talk there, actually. Go home, pussy. You said everything I wanted to hear. I was like 19 when I had my hernia. When I was in the army and I went in and had to get triaged and I said to them, I have abdominal

pain and I'm trying to describe it to them. They opened a book. Are you and I said to them, I have abdominal pain and I'm trying to describe it to them. I go in, they opened a book. Are you rectal bleeding? And I'm like, no. And it was like a go chart where it had an arrow. If no, go to this one.

If yes, go to this one. I had to sit there with this dude through four pages of fucking go charts. It's like a flow chart. They have it like a phone solicitor. It's like a flowchart. They have it like a phone solicitor. It's a hernia, motherfucker. I knew that on page two. Go right to the end. Admit him.

Alright. I think we killed this. I think I feel good. I feel good for you out there, listeners. I think you're going to do the right thing. Wear a mask. Not because you have to. Just because what the fuck?

It's a fucking mask. That was a good tweet. Yeah. Yeah, I felt good about my tweets last night. Was it good? I don't know why I'm getting up at 3 in the morning looking at tweets. I saw it at like 6. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. last night. Was it good? I don't know why I'm getting up at three in the morning looking at tweets, but... I saw it at like six.

Yeah, something like that, yeah. Yep. I think I'm due for a downer. Fifteen days with no fucking

prescription downers. I think I'm due. I think it's my time to shine and celebrate myself. Let that hair dye set up. Oh yeah, I gotta rinse this out. I've had a hair dye in for hours. I forget to

rinse it out. That may stain the skin. Oh Jesus. Alright, let's get this wrapped up because you gotta see this suit I got on eBay. Oh geez. By the way, I know I spent three months saying, I'm not gonna put some fucking Amazon worker's life. I bought reading glasses. Twice saying, yeah, I'm not going to put some fucking Amazon worker's life.

I bought reading glasses twice. Oh, then I went, oh, fuck it. I'm going on eBay. I'm getting some shit. So I'll be. Then you bought a guy who died of COVID suit. This suit is fucking fantastic. I can't.

I was going to wear it today. I knew where to wear it. No, I was going to wear it on the podcast just for you. But then I go, I got to pick the perfect tie and shirt for this. It's a suit. It's not sport coat and pants. Oh, it's the whole ensemble. It's a suit.

Oh, God. Vest? You got a vest there? No, no vest. But my size. It is exactly like it looked in the picture. You know what? I'll tell you what.

It's red, but it looks pink. This episode is $3.99. Your next full episode is going to be number 400. So you can wear your suit for that. And it's going to last 24 hours. We're going to make it a 24-hour podcast. No? No?

Sorry, I just thought about that. Were you talking to Chatter? Someone sent us Adderall. It's weird. I copped a couple Adderall off of our comic friend in Tucson, who remains nameless for this story. remains nameless for this story but she gave me like a a 20 and or 220s and i still have uh 15 out of 40 that that was in january to write the book i like, I'm fucking coming up on a deadline. I need some Adderall.

Didn't use them. Used five quarters over the course of writing the book. You wrote that book over a long period of time. A long period of brief surges.

But when you would get into a jag, it would go for like five days. You would be sitting at the end of the bar. I'd sit over here and you would just be plugging away and not fucking around on Twitter like you would be doing. I remember I think you read it twice back to back

within two days or something like that. So I mean, you spent a lot of time at times. It's been a while. The good writing, tell everyone to fuck off. No, can't. It's hitting right now. I'm on a fucking roll.

Don't ever fuck with me when I'm on a roll. And I guess I hit enough of those because it's fucking good. Do you have a time that is normal? I like to do a lot of things late at night when no one's up like at three in the morning sometimes i'll be editing and i'll fucking go straight to five and i won't even blink right no adderall or anything is there a time when you find that that you do better at night or in the morning or can you write when you just are inspired well i wake up a lot with like comedy notes where okay i woke up i'm still kind of drunk coming out of a

dream state half on his x and i'm like okay i was just like half dreaming and like oh this is and i'll write those notes down but and that would be a fertile time to actually sit and write, but I like to smoke a lot when I write, and I don't like to smoke in the morning. So, yeah, if I was good, I would wake up out of bed on those mornings and just start fucking hammering keys. But it doesn't match up with the cigarettes.

You know what? Everyone has an excuse. Hey, everyone out there, just fucking... It's a weird time to be alive, so embrace it. For all the things we can bitch about with COVID, it's not going to happen again.

This is a fucking wonderful unique anomaly in your life so take advantage look for all the little like your daughter she found some scam and covid just run amok don't be a fucking bitch on twitter go out and find some angle that you will never have an opportunity to find again. And that's my Jerry Springer's final thought. There you go. I had fun. Are we done?

Yeah. Yeah, that was it. Well, that wasn't it. Take us out of this, Big O. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.