The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #401: Helium Tanked

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

Doug has it all figured out and is safe and sound with his helium tank. Patreon Questions answered. Thanks for subscribing.Want more Stanhope? Subscribe at https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to get an extra BONUS podcast for as little as a $1 a month. Plus, video, insider communication with the podcast and more.Recorded July 13th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ 2020 BEST OF BISBEE Voting - http://myheraldreview.secondstreetapp.com/Best-of-Bisbee-2020/Be safe and always have a plan - https://amzn.to/2Wdw0EMClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. And we're live. Hey, before I forget that, I think I did mention this, the Bisbee Review or the Sierra Vista Herald, same newspaper, different names, Carl's Jr. and Hardee's. If you go to their website, the best of Bisbee is up, and now it's past the nomination stage. So we're in a few places there. Best Live Band is Doug Stanhope is on there.

The Doug Stanhope Band? And the Fun House is on like two things. And you don't have to subscribe. I did spend like 300 bucks for the year and they don't even have like daily updates on fucking COVID or anything. It's so bad. It's so bad. But the best of Bisbee we've insinuated ourselves or other people have,

I think. Yeah, there's a few. Just go through them all. Here's get a pen. Everyone listening. Get a few. Just go through them all. Here's, get a pen. Everyone listening, get a pen. Morning's Cafe, Cafe Roca, The Quarry, but any, the Funhouse is up there. Best Mixed Drink or Beer or Wine,

Funhouse is up there. Yeah, so hit the beats. Is this another USA Today? Flood the... Yeah, well, because I'm sure no one fucking votes. The fact that, like, I put some things in that Jean Noreen, my real estate lady, was not even nominated. I put her in. Now she's made the...

I'm probably the only person... You just... If 10 of you... She wins with a vote of one if if 10 of you and uh go ahead and tweet at me if you have a question about a thing who should i uh i'll tell you but just hit the ones that say funhouse or doug stanhope and of course morning's cafe we're fans of i can't i'm on the website right here. It's myheraldreview.com. And I can't find, it's the Best of Douglas.

Best of Bisbee. I know where I live. It's on the left-hand side. I'm telling you, it's not on the page. On the page where I type in best for their search feature, it comes up the Best of Douglas and Simply the Best and Battling to be the, there's no.

On the homepage. It should be on the left-hand side below a fucking three day old story that they're milking. Oh shit. All right. I'm right. Say it. Say it with your mouth.

Yes, you're right. But it's like, I went to my herald review.com and it did not go to this page Say it with your mouth. Yes, you're right. But it's like I went to myheraldreview.com, and it did not go to this page. It's really weird. Oh, well. But it went right to Budge and Smith. Oh, yes.

Battle of the Mayors. Yeah. God, that was a great letter I wrote. I was published for maybe the third time in 15 years in the letters to the editor. That's the Bisbee Observer talking about the mayoral. I was just, it was a backhanded slap at what democracy is all about. And I signed it, Doug Stanhope, white landowner.

And they took that out. And that's like taking the last fucking sentence out of the book. Wah, wah, wah, wah. That was Henry. We'll blame Henry for that. Crash. You're not, I'm looking at it now. You're not in here for like a bar.

Philanthropist? No, no, but I. Nightlife and live music. No, I'm not in here for like a bar. Philanthropist? No, no, but I- Nightlife and live music. No, I'm not in there, but it's too late for that. But I am for best mixed drink, best band, and I think do-gooder at the end. Just go through them all. Good deeds? All right, yeah.

I'd say who to not vote for, but I don't want to piss off local businesses. But there's a breakfast place that you know what? It's often imitated by itself. Still cheeses me off. So

another day in fucking paradise. We went out. We shopped. Bought a bunch of shit that we didn't need. But it made me happy. Made me happy. And not indoors.

You have to fill a house. Not indoors. There's a business that closed because of COVID. Guy's just having a permanent yard sale at his house trying to leave town. So yeah, I've gone a few times. Got the new addition. Furnishing it. A lot of lamps. I like lighting.

He had a lot of lamps. Like I was... It's like he was a lamps-R-Us that went out of business from the 60s. Yeah, and I got five of them. Yeah. That one is a pretty striking piece right when you walk in the front door.

The one that lights up below and up top. Yeah, that's the one I didn't think I was going to buy. Yeah, it's perfect. Perfect 70s Coke table. Little end table with glass. It's so ready for winter in there. I can't wait for Christmas. Gotta get Christmas lights. ready for winter in there. I can't wait for Christmas. Gotta get Christmas lights.

They're dead in there. What used to be the living room. But I felt like I connected with the Chaley's. We went out. We had a nice time together. I felt like the old days. Pre-COVID. That's it.

That's the podcast. All right. Take us out, Bingo. Bingo's seemingly fine. I don't hear from her that much, so that's a good thing. That means she's doing all right. She's trying new brands of mushrooms. Besides psychedelics?

I don't know if I'm addicted to the edibles now because I haven't done them in two days, and I'm like, I need to do edibles. I don't know if it's completely replaced my downer situation. Or maybe you're just hungry for a gummy. Oh, my God. I did. Oh, fuck. I did score that.

I scored so many things. I did get the helium tank. What? Yeah, I got a helium tank. You're going to start welding or something? No. I made a joke about it early on in the COVID. Now I made a joke about it early on in the COVID.

Like I tweeted something to the effect of, does anyone try to use like decoy items in their Amazon purchases? So the helium tank and the fucking plastic bag for your head don't stand out as a. But then I looked it up and they got a fucking. Yeah, I got a helium tank. Suicide kit. Yeah, I got a fucking suicide kit i i'm not going covid's way you're going to tell you know what we we we had even though it was an outdoor garage

thing that we went to we were masked up and as much as everyone's a fucking idiot, it's fucking incomprehensible. The whole mask thing to me, I mean, it's beyond Trump retarded. That's a thing. They're anti-mask people. Not that there's people who think it's, I was a conspiracy theory kid forever. I understand that but that you would be against like like masks are killing you what it's fucking retarded so i i try to stay away from all that we were masked up i was double masked joey made me a fucking uh like what like a mumbles turtleneck

yeah it's like a turtleneck you pull it up, but I put a mask underneath that and then pulled the other mask over it. Isn't there an Archie character that had his collar that went up over it? No, that's what's his name from Bill Cosby. Bob Albert? Cosby Kids. Junkyard Kid?

He had a hat that went over. Oh, okay. Well, I didn't really watch that. I knew he'd rape eventually, so I was against the Cosby kids as a kid. I thought there was a... No, I think it's Bazooka Joe has a character. Yeah, that comes up over. So that's what you look like, though.

The point is, yes, as a fucking... What's it? I was as a fucking COPD candidate, not diagnosed, but it's an honor just to be nominated. COPD, like the ad? I feel like an elephant standing on my chest. Yeah, like fucking... Respiratory thing? Emphysema. Alright. Yeah. I'm short of breath all

the time from my smoking. So just for the 25 minutes we were there wearing fucking double masks and hauling fucking furniture I'm like, yeah, this sucks. Still do it. I understand if people have to work like that.

But those aren't the people that are fucking complaining. Complaining going to a fucking family dollar. Hannigan sent me a clip from Vegas where people are, it was the, I wish I remembered the name. It was a dog rescue thrift store where they put into place the mask requirement.

So is Vegas is open again or are they in between? Everyone was, I don't know. Fucking California closed down now. Anyway, this fucking thrift store that helps fucking dogs. Like a rescue thing? Yeah.

It was on the news and there's a two minute clip he sent me of all the shit they're getting on social media. Well, I'll never donate to you again because I won't care. It's the dog's fault. It's the dog's fault. Wouldn't it be so much funnier if instead of the Charlie Manson's idea of race war, it just came down to a civil war over masks? That would be a way to die. And that's why I have a helium tank. I think I get away from the helium tank.

Now, where did you get a helium tank? On Amazon. It says balloons sold separately. A party pack. Yeah. It says jumbo, so I don't know. If you don't buy balloons, do you go on a list? Watch this guy.

It did say, yeah, I should have brought it out here. By law, we have to sell you 1 thousand balloons with this tank or we get reported. That would be the worst suicide attempt ever is you have a fucking kid's balloon, fucking helium tank. It looks like a clown's face. You blow it up. The stem is in his mouth. And all I'm doing is the high-pitched voice and I'm not even dizzy yet. I don't feel anything.

But it's nice to have. I mean, I know the Chads and the Jobies have their guns and it's a little messy for me. But I have the helium tank to at least try should I get the COVID. You feel like a true American now? You have a way out by your own hand? Right. That's why we live on the Mexican border.

That was the original joke. We're right at the emergency exit if this country goes south. And now I have a fucking helium tank. Now the emergency exit's blocked from the other side. And I've been recycling plastic bags. So, yeah, all I need is a tube, I guess. I don't know.

I haven't opened it. You haven't done a test run? A dry run? No, because I could lift it with one hand. So how much helium do you need? Which is something I didn't go online to. You know it's a gas, right? I know, but I'm saying the people who commit suicide, Clark Adams.

Like how much helium, like is there a dose? How many balloons should I be able to fill? How many balloons does it take to get to the center of helium? But it's not like a cry for help or anything. It's just a backup like I get something. Like a security thing. Right. Like you're in control. Yeah. Like a

what do you call a binky. Yeah until we get that one month where we have. A whoopee. That's what I was looking for and I didn't think that was an actual thing. Yeah, it's great. You got a helium tank until all of a sudden we got a month with three birthdays in it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You've been counting those balloons? I need my way out. Yeah, that's a... When you're buying lamps and a display... It's like a bookcase. It's for a store. That thing I bought is fucking perfect in there. It's not for a store. It's for like a 70s kind of display at someone's house.

She said the homeowner... Well, not the homeowner. The guy... I mean, this is all from a shop. Yeah. like a 70s kind of display at someone's house. She said the homeowner, well, not the homeowner, the guy, I mean, this is all from a shop. Yeah. They said that when they closed down the shop, they put it in their house for a while, and they just started putting a bunch of junk on it.

But like, it just got too cluttery. And she said, what you need to do is it needs to be kind of a showcase. And then you said, you're going to put a bar on there, like a Madman bar, with a little tray

that you have a couple of bottles on. A thing of seltzer. Yeah, it's like chrome with like eight shelves offset. It's kind of modular. It would look at home on the set of Clockwork Orange.

Oh, maybe that's a fucking... We haven't done movies on the patio in Clockwork Orange. Oh, maybe that's a fucking... We haven't done a... movies on the patio in like a month. No. Three weeks? Maybe three weeks. Yeah.

It was the week before... No, it was right before we started recording the book. Fuck, the book. Oh, that's right. We finished the book. I'm scared about that, Chaley. About what? Honestly, the book oh that's right we finished the book i'm scared about that chaley about what honestly the book why because hold on a second i'm scared of something else tracy is there another

red stripe in the freezer no could you please put one in there jesus christ i'm so glad i caught that all right doug what are you afraid of that i stink it i know I stink at reading but I don't know like to read a book like to listen to someone read a book that's acting which I suck at and like I know I kept saying oh I I wrote this the way I'd read it but that's's not really true. There's parts I wrote the way I'd do it as stand-up, but there's a lot of parts I did writing where I go, oh, fuck, I hope it, I hope I got notes enough from Chelsea. Our director was on Chime,

like a Skype, at her home. She was in New Jersey, and we were here in the funhouse. Yeah, it was a great time, but I don't know if it sucked. I don't know if she would have told me, yeah, you can really sell that more. We did it in three days, three six-hour days, which I don't know what we did on the last two books time-wise. A lot more drinking. Was doing half of it. Yeah.

No air conditioning, smoke-filled room room it just seemed too five days it's five days last time it seemed too easy this time where i'm like maybe i didn't get enough notes maybe because a lot of it i go i know when i i know i'll tell you this i know that when i read it out loud a million times to other people, there were parts I cried at every time. And this time there were only two times I had to go, okay. One time I said, all right, Tracy, just for this two sentences, give me a shot of whiskey because I got to get through this. And yeah. Yeah. And you also read it to someone having not read five hours of the book up to that point.

You said you got... Do you think it's good? You presented it to someone. I paid it for a goddamn compliment. Do you think it went well? What I say is not going to matter to you. Chelsea said it was fine. Her ass is on the line, too.

Yeah, yeah. It was great great don't fucking panic i know it'll come out uh uh the update on the uh the amazon for the new special that's well over a year old now that came out kind of a couple months ago, Amazon, they sent Hennigan a thing saying, within the next four to five business days, it'll be up. Then he went back to check. There's a technical issue. And he's like, what the fuck? And now he finally found someone at Amazon that he's actually talked to. Netflix, Amazon, PayPal. There's companies you just can't talk to a fucking person.

There are these nebulous entities. There's no customer service. There's no number to call. How are you going to fuck with Jeff Bezos? Like, there's times I never want to ask Rogan for anything. But you go, Rogan's got some pull. Rogan doesn't have

Amazon pull. I was going to say, Bezos pull? No, he doesn't. There's no one to fucking... What the fuck? Put it out there. But we've done really good and thank you the people that did go through Vimeo. I know that a lot of people had problems.

Thank you for doing that. But when it does get on Amazon, if it gets on Amazon, it'll be like a second release. You're talking the video, because the audio has been on Amazon. Yeah, you're talking just the video portion. Yeah, but I'm not going to start promoting the fucking audio if I have to promote the video version later. It's a fucking good special. It's a goddamn good book. I just hope I read it right.

See, why do you need someone to fucking tell you? Because I was listening to other shit. Oh, no, it's the uh uh I'll be gone by dark is it called I'll be gone in the dark Patton Oswalt

oh yeah Michelle McNamara it's it's running on HBO I don't know if you still have that channel if it's still in play but it's fucking brilliant I was tearing up on episode three today.

It's a documentary on how she located the Golden State Killer. And knowing the story, it's brilliant and brutal. I'm getting ahead of myself because I know the story. So if people don't, what was my point? Reading. Oh, yeah, I'm listening to her read parts of her book and going, oh, fuck, I don't know if I put any kind of that kind of effort into it. I've done small acting roles occasionally, a couple,

roles occasionally, a couple, and that's maybe 12 sentences. Like Louis, if you broke that down, that's probably like no more like I did preparing for a part in the mirror going, and on Monday I on Monday I no, I just fucking read it. You have read through it. You have read

over it and read through it. Like three times. Yeah, but I've said it out loud, but it's not like you're practicing for a role. We don't want you to sound like you're acting. We want you to sound like you're telling it. I don't know. You did. If there was anything wrong,

they would tell... Like after the first day of recording, I uploaded all the files, and then I'm waiting for feedback, and I'm not hearing anything. It's like, well, if they didn't... If something was wrong, they'd tell you. Otherwise, it's fucking fine. Yeah, yeah.

Fine is not what I strive for. Thank you. Thank you, Tracy. I didn't hear. Is your mic on? Yeah. All right. What did you say? I said he doesn't want fine. Oh. I was talking about the audio. The audio was fine.

There wasn't, the levels were good I didn't go but wait I'm not striving for good audio I want great audio that's one thing I look forward to because the first two books the print version came out first

and then we did the audio and everyone when I did print, is there going to be an audio version? Because I don't read. My fan base, I get you. Now that you don't drive to work, maybe you have time to learn to read. I no longer listen to audio.

Yeah, so I'm wondering if Audible comes out first, if I'm going to get people like, I'm a stickler for the hard copy in my hand, which I am that guy. Any chance of a graphic novel in the future? Yeah, fucking Chelsea is stoking the flames on that. Doing. We shouldn't talk about that. Yeah, we shouldn't.

But yeah, we might be doing more audible shit. I don't know. That's all I have to do during the day, is worry. Buy lamps? I talked to Hennigan, and I had to get his new address to send him a check commission check.

And as I'm, he said, Hey, for fucking his, his, his account. He's like way back. Yeah.

He's, he's back. I was going to say, by the way, I still need to settle up with you. I need the deposit for all the rooms in the UK that canceled. So I'm like, give me your address. And as I'm writing it out, I'm looking at my list of things to do.

And as soon as I've finished stamping that envelope and writing his address on it, I go, all I have to do is juice those last two grapefruits and I don't have anything left on my list of things to do. That was it. Juice the grapefruits before they go bad and send it to get a check. I'm not losing my shit. I'm really enjoying it. That's a day. That's your day. Yeah, and it's

going to go on like this forever. I don't mind. I like walking the dog. I like saying hi to the neighbors. There's neighbors I've met now. Say hello. Don't have much else to say. Backdoor Mike put a Muckrock mural on the front of the house down there.

Muckrock is the artist. Yeah. And we ran into him walking the dog last night. He goes, yeah, the muck rock artist people they want to put a mural on the front of the house his house yeah there's three houses three houses in a row down on black knob chaley's backdoor mike is in between and then jen our tenant i hate to say that but since I put that out on the, yeah. And they're all painted ridiculous colors.

Jen's house is purple. Vibrant. Whimsical. Orange polka dots. And he goes, can I put a mural on the front? Because I go, that should be something like he painted his. But that's his house. I know.

But he asked, I don't know why he asked me. Are you the homeowners association? Listen, I'm not walking the dog without a cocktail in my hand, and that ain't my first cocktail. He's like, yeah. And he has a, it looks like a tattoo with the dates of dead relatives and stuff. What's that?

Sugar skull. Sugar skull. Day of the dead. Day of the Dead. That's what I was looking for. That's a big holiday here in Arizona. The Day of the Dead. Well, it's really more... What? It's a thing. Mexican. Yeah.

That's why it's... Thank you. I think that's from Mexico, right? I was so antagonistic trying to fight me. There's a lot of Mexicans that live... Well, I understand, but I mean, the history is from Mexico. The history is, but it's still a big... I mean, they have a huge thing in Tucson and Phoenix for it every year. It's very big in Arizona.

Yeah. Oh, I get it. Sorry, our Dutch friends won't understand. Anyway, yeah, it looks like a really bad tattoo, but you can cover up a house. Easier than a tattoo. Jean Noreen, Best of Bisbee, real estate, noted. Yeah, that's it.

Once again, it's myheraldreview.com, and then it's on the homepage. Oh, and if you're going to do the Best of Bisbee, Beto's, because I'm the only one who wrote in Beto's, but this is why I'm imploring you to go to the Best of Bisbee, because no one said Beto's. It's closed most of the time. It's for sale right now. No, no, it's closed down for sale. They've got a serious, like serious billboard on the front now.

Not just a hung sign. Even better. That's why you have to vote Beto's. It is really good Mexican food if they're open. No one knows it. It's across from the burned down city hall that we don't know

if it'll ever... If they got voted best of... the burned down city hall that we don't know if it'll ever but it's by our if they got voted best of it would he'd shit his pants like now now now I'm the best where were you when I was open yes Beto's best Mexican

best lunch and again tweet at me hey I'm doing this I don't know the best fucking financial planner just skip past those but

wouldn't that be fucking hilarious well I agree that Beto's is probably one of the best like straight up burritos in town. I wouldn't go to Santiago's. Oh, fuck. And the last time I went into Naraya's, they just moved to their location.

Last time I went in there, it was kind of weird. Best coffee. I don't know how it's on the list, but I voted for it. Best coffee, place to have coffee. Circle K is on the list, but I voted for it. It's best coffee, place to have coffee. Circle K is on the list, so yes. Vote Circle K. They probably got a bunch of creamers and

syrups. It's like a Starbucks. If the listeners don't know, Bisbee is a hippie-ish town where a coffee place is a big deal. So if Circle K won Best Coffee, that would be brilliant. They'd probably sell a shit ton of coffee out of that place.

Safeway, best place to work. Yeah. Best customer service. I did Copper Queen Hospital as a nod to a friend? I agree with that. I mean, that's where I go. There's one I did, National Bank of Arizona. That might be, yeah, all right.

Anyway. You're showing everyone your ballot? Yes. I guess you could probably, if you have any history with the podcast, you could probably go through the list. Do you know who you're voting for for mayor? No.

Because you're voting for all of us. I thought the other guy was someone else. Budge, I thought he was someone else. I thought he was the guy that was here. We all thought he was the guy that did open mic here. I'm glad I took that out of my letter to the editor because that was one of the

reasons I was going to vote for him because Tracy told me he did open mic here. I'm like, I have no recollection of that. Well, because it didn't happen. Well, you don't remember the guy who actually did come and do the open mic either. He's the guy from the housing. He's on the city council meetings

sometimes. He's done like where they have to put the mic out and let the people in the audience talk. For sure. But he's on one of the regular committees too. Yeah, I don't know where I'm glad we caught it so now I can at least look into it a little bit. I'm on Fred Miller's

do you get his Bisbee Wire? I know about it though. I'm glad we caught it. So now I can at least look into it. I'm on Fred Miller's. Are you, do you get his, uh, no Bisbee wire. I know about it though. Yeah. He, I'm just going to follow him,

but you're going to vote for me. But, uh, I think, and Kirk Patrick, is that her name? Yeah. We,

we got to get her. What's she running for? Doesn't matter. Just see your name and vote for it. You like the sound of her name? I don't know anything. Dog catcher? That was the whole point of my letter to the editor was I'm voting.

I was going to vote for Ken Budge, but I found out he's a terrible tipper. I can't. True. I mean, you found out is true. I mean, we don't know because we don't have tipping here. And David Smith has a fucking weird mustache. I think he cut it. I think he cut off his mustache.

I'll pull up the review again. The review has a picture of him with a goatee. Either way. Oh. That's skewed good with the kids? The whole point was these are the two issues that I'm voting for. I don't want to vote for a guy who doesn't tip, and I don't want to vote for a guy who looks like a fucking narc,

basically is what I said. But I said it in very small-town friendly ways. And then they chopped off the last sentence. And then they chopped off the last sentence. White landowner, don't you get the joke? White democracy is... I should have got on a Twitter fight before this podcast because that last one, I felt so powerful. That was the landlord one.

Hold on, that's a Patreon. So a lot of people- Yeah, good. Fuck them. Yeah, get over there to Patreon. Yeah, your fucking dollar a month. Yeah, some people were asking, well, it looks like it's dried up over there for Patreon.

I'm like, what? We put one out a month extra. That's the Patreon. And you get audio if it's a dollar, and if we have a video, we'll put it out for the $5 or above tiers. And it's like, I have no idea. Tapping their foot and looking at their watch. It's like, come on, man. We just put one out on Wednesday and I didn't want to put one out on Friday. I want that other one because the last one that went out, number 400, that went really good with the Patreon one, which is your angst after your edible experience on the podcast.

Yeah, and that Twitter fight with that fucking asshole or several assholes. But I did dedicate it to one. But I have no idea what people are doing anymore. It's so confusing. I don't know if most people are locked down, if that's just what I see on... We have, again, local news, Tucson, which is not local to us at all,

or CNN. So I don't know what people are doing. Are people still... we're going on we're hitting our fifth month soon. Month five of just being here in the desert. I don't know what the fuck

is really going on. Shane Gillis, I haven't texted him back. He texted me tonight and said, hey, we gotta do shows together. I'm not fucking doing any shows. Chaley has fucking Chad Shank on Skype for

podcasts. He wears a mask when the mailman comes by. So does the mailman. Actually, UPS put my i had my jobey mask on yeah anyway around my neck so i just pulled it up when ups showed up and he goes hey i'm sorry i'm not wearing my mask i'm like i don't give a fuck i was doing this for you baby virtue signaling yeah yeah I'm a

absolutely I am a fucking bullhorn of fucking virtue signaling do the right thing I don't know what that is but do it now I can't find that page with the

mayor David Smith yeah anyway Now I can't find that page with the mayor. David Smith. Yeah. Anyway. I read the... That doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck about who's the mayor of Bisbee? I mean, David Smith did say,

Hey, we're in a state that is generally Republican state. And David Smith immediately, when the governor said, I'll let the mayors handle it, David Smith, within fucking minutes or hours, said, fucking everyone wears a mask. We're shutting it down, whatever. Yeah, even though the- He John Taffer'd the whole fucking- Yeah. And that was the right thing to do.

A lot of other fucking podunk counties, towns. No, I'm not going to make- That sheriff in some fuckhead county in Arizona. Then he got the COVID and he couldn't go to the big prom yeah he was he tested positive for covet after he's like i'm not important this bullshit and he had a yeah he had a fundraiser for himself oh where nobody wore masks and everybody hung out and shook hands and then he got but he only got tested because he was going to a Trump rally. You can't go. I can't go to the senior dance because I have COVID.

I can't go see my friend, the president. Democracy. Let's end it. Fuck the people. The people are idiots. Anarchy. The purge. The people are idiots. Anarchy. The purge. Let's do it.

I get a helium tank. Yeah, they all wear masks, those anarchists. They always got some bandana or something around their face. Mm-hmm. Maybe the masks just need better publicists. Branding. Yeah. Yeah. maybe the mask just needed better publicists branding yeah yeah somehow you create that that uh how come i don't have a mask where do i get masks yeah like i mean you can get them anywhere now actually they were selling them. Wasn't Trump actually selling masks as merch on some website? Even when he was against them? I don't know.

Wasn't that a thing? I heard that he had some. Straws? You're thinking he was working with some straws. I don't know. No, there was something there. I heard he had some connection to masks. Yeah.

Or he read something. I don't know. I've read. There was a lot of things. Yeah, he bought them all up and then he stamped a fucking U.S. presidential seal on them. Now they're for sale. They were selling masks at the drive through at the Mexican restaurant where we got dinner.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's Rodolfo's. Yeah. Fucking great burritos. Yeah. I almost bought one, but it was too late because that's a point of purchase, but you already

ordered. They should have this sign at the drive-thru. Yeah, I didn't want to... Oh, there's such sticklers you can't add on at the window? I didn't want to start doing more cash transactions with a mask

on. Do you take pennies? What are we at? What do you think we're at? Can I piss or do we wrap up? I have no idea. It's 39 minutes. All right. What's it matter?

What's time to a pig? Do you want me to go print out some questions? We can come back. You can take a leak. Oh, yeah. Let me go do that. You take a leak and uh we'll be right back

are you having legal trouble and don't know where to turn trying to find an attorney you can trust do you think you've been cheated out of contingent compensation of back-end proceeds from third parties in the territory defined as north america and Mexico, including but not limited to all ancillary and subsidiary rights, whether audio only, video only, audio, video, or otherwise. Don't let a legal entity based in a mid-short jurisdiction for legal or other purposes kick sand in your face. Not me. Call Eric Greenspan at the law offices of My Man Greenspan, Feynman, Fox, Rosenberg and Light. Eric Greenspan. When physical intimidation isn't enough.

Call Eric Greenspan. 310-820-7717. And keep calling. Mention Kenny Vermeer and get 10% discount. This advertisement has been approved. There's some chewing. discount this advertisement has been approved did you want me to not start yet well no no now you started go ahead give me a question i'm chewing goddamn jelly bellies so you don't have any thank yous for the I'm sure I do just open something some guy Tracy was

on top of that yeah she left she's not feeling good I know is it that book that's sitting on top by Carl Shaw some guy from a prison in Massachusetts in Billerica sent some shit so thank you I'll look at it later

I have my own prisoners to deal with for Christ sakes Bill Ricka sent some shit. So thank you. I'll look at it later. I have my own prisoners to deal with, for Christ's sakes. I got Bobby Caldwell. I got Sonny in the mental institution. Murdered his mom. Evidently, he's been emailing with Bobby Calby caldwell sorry bobby just fucking with you sonny uh i'm still collecting questions for bobby caldwell uh he calls in uh infrequently and uh i'll put another list together just uh send your questions either to uh stanhope podcast at gmail uh and the other one is just get in touch with me on Patreon. If you're on Patreon

already, it's a direct connection to the podcast. And yeah, I go through that and I answer all the questions. And keep them fucking to the point. I yelled at some lady. I woke up. I was having a bad morning and there were like nine

emails in a row to my own email. Not to Stan Hope Podcast. No, not to that. I answer, let me just say this right now. I answer the questions on Patreon. That's me. And if it's something specific, I want them to know it's me. But just know that I'm the only one answering those.

And Stan Hope Podcast, I answer those as well. Yeah, and if you don't hear this lady that I fucking yelled at, that means you don't even listen to the fucking podcast. She's like, help me expose these frauds. And she's from Saudi Arabia, but she's in Thailand. And like, all right, you don't even know my story about fucking Thailand? And I just say, I said, like, stop it. I have my own problems to deal with. and like all right you don't even know my story about fucking thailand you you haven't and i just say i said like stop it i have my own problems to deal with i saw you sent eight emails in a

fucking eight hour period i don't have time for fuck you you're the worst like when immediately i'm your biggest fan to fuck you you're fucking stan whore you're fucking fraud you're a fucking stan whore, you're a fucking fraud you're a piece of shit, I've always hated you and then an hour later sorry I overreacted you probably did I understand, a lot of these people are drinking when they're writing because they're drinking when they're listening we're drinking when we're recording

I have the levels of folders I put shit in and there's crazies there's annoying. And she went right from annoying to crazy. Did you merge the folder? No, no. So one day someone will have to go through all of those folders to finish her book.

And her name is Adrienne LeBlanc. I know it's been 17 years now, but... It's thorough. Yep. Hey, Josh Wells has a question. Fuck Josh Wells. All right, we'll go to the next one.

No, no, no. Josh. Josh Wells. He wants to know, what's a good cocktail to serve at an outdoor function? I'm running an outdoor comedy show, and I want to make a fun cocktail that's easy to mass produce, but also tasty. Well, I think this would go back to a Mad Men era of the 60s, 70s, where they just made the punch, you know, the spiked punch.

So that way you get to take all the shit that no one drinks, pour it into a bucket, pour some fucking high C in it, and go, yeah, it's jungle juice or fucking whatever. Yeah, get rid of the shit. You were right on the same level that I was when I read that question. And I remember that we had a rum punch that we did during 30 Days in the Hole based on a recipe from the Founding Fathers. I imagine Ben Franklin going, check this out, boys.

So, yeah, I would look up rum punches, like a jungle juice or a punch or something like that. Yeah, make us, if it's an outdoor comedy show, just, yeah, take a bunch of shit. I don't know what the legality of that is. I think it's state to state, I'm sure. But like in Alaska, you couldn't mix up like a rum punch or something in advance

and just pour it, you know. I'm assuming this guy is having a... Is this a business? It doesn't say. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's fucking COVID era. There's no rules. It's anarchy.

Just pour whatever's fucking awful and then pour sugar on top of it. That's how cocktails started in Prohibition. No one drank a fucking Cape Cod. Or a Moscow Mule. No, they put cranberry juice in it because it tasted awful because it was fucking bathtub gin. So do that. Well, gin was a big drink.

I'm going to vamp a little so you can do your thing here. Gin was a big drink. It was a very popular drink. Vodka was the drink they couldn't sell. That was the problem. But I'm saying they started putting fruit juice in the fucking drinks because they were selling bad fucking

prohibition shitty fucking alcohol. Anti-freeze tainted exactly fucking methanol. So yeah, Josh, I say go with a rum punch. Yeah. And there's lots of- With methanol.

Served out of a bathtub. A hint of diesel. It'll make you twitch. But man, it's fun to dance on. All right, here's another really concise one. Damien Napulos. I'm sorry. All right.

Your name should be more concise, like your email. That's it. Can you say my name correctly? Question for Doug. Have you ever had a bit that you expected to get a lot of shit for and offend people, but was actually received positively? Wow. Well, after 30 years, the answer is yes. The follow-up is, I don't remember. I'm sure. I'm sure. I know there's bits that, there was one bit that Henry Phillips told me was really funny, and that he told me all of his friends that he repeated,

hey, crinkly bag, this is not issues with Andy. Stop, pick up. Yeah, Andy has a crinkly bag issue that I've picked up. Crinkly bag would stop issues with Andy. Henry Phillips said, oh, yeah, you don't do that part of the bit anymore. And I tell all my friends how you do that bit and they love it. And just because he told me, I continued to try

to do the bit. It fucking died and they hated me every time I did it. And it was, this is back in, I think it was Die Laughing, like CD days. And it was Die Laughing, like CD days. And it was about the best fucks you've ever had invariably end with them telling you that they were molested as children.

And I think the punchline that I had was life gave you lemons and you made golden showers or something. I remember that joke. But the tag that I had done that Henry Phillips implored me to do. Back of the room, though. I mean, this is him with another comic. I don't know if I have a point, but if you want your kid to be a doctor or a lawyer, send them to college. But if you want them to be a fantastic piece of ass, fuck them when they're kids. And this was not in a day of fucking cancel culture or sensitivity, but it still died on the vine.

But I tried that so many times only because Henry Phillips said all his friends laughed at that when he repeated it. I remember you had a bit that was about cop killing with the guy who was a cop who went on ramp. Dorner. Yeah. Oh, shit, fucking.

What's his name? Dave Chappelle's. He put out that special that was pretty much just about Floyd. George Floyd. Was that recently? Yeah. He wanted to know the whole thing about fucking Dorner. And I'm like, God damn it.

I have a fucking 20 minute bit about Dorner. That was the Popov vodka presents. Yeah. So find that. When we still got VHS available. I remember when you were doing that bit, we were playing some place in the Midwest. That old comedy club where they had off-duty cops. Oh, yeah. Fort Wayne.

They had so many cops. Snickers. How do I remember shit when I'm drunk? They had all those great 8x10 headshots. Yeah, from the 80s. So I remember knowing that they made a point of saying that they had extra security because they were worried about your crowd.

And all I could think of was like, oh shit, he's got that Dorner bit. And at that could think of was like, oh shit, he's got that Dorner bit. And at that point, the cops were going to be, hey, go ahead and watch the show kind of thing. Hey, Crinkly. I know. Now it's you. You can pour them into a dish. I shouldn't be eating on a podcast.

Yeah, how about that too? Anyway, I remember that many times during that tour. When I knew there was an off-duty cop. Yeah, that it was nervous for me because I didn't know what was going to happen. It's like, pretty funny up there. Yeah, well, obviously 9-11 was issues. If I ever go back on the road, there's going to be mask riots. He's a mask

advocate. I don't ever want to go back out of my house. I don't. I'm so happy being home. You guys are all fucking assholes and idiots and

straighten your shit out. I'm the fuck up. I have a fucking helium tank and a goddamn full bar. I'm ready. Until your bar's empty and you call your maid to go get more booze.

Maid is banned. She touches people. Stuff. She talks to things. I don't like it. I'm against it. Alright. Are you going to hire a robot? Is that the...

Your vacuum cleaner going to go to the store and get you some booze? Now that I have helium, I can go to the fucking store. I'm ready to go to the store and get you some booze? Now that I have helium, I can go to the fucking store. I'm ready to go back to Safeway. Because you have an hour. Hey, Will Shallert has a question, Doug. He has an

offer, actually. He's a tattoo artist in Palm Springs, California. He met... Hey, tattoo back to our mic's front fucking mural. I met Doug.... Too over it. I'm only adding this part because I think it'd be funny to see what you think.

I met Doug when he played in Rohnert park at a venue that didn't have working bathrooms. Oh, the Sally tomatoes. That's a man with a feeble memory. Oh, you say Rard Park. That one stands out.

Two times. It was fucked up the first time. The second time, it was even more fucked up. The first time was when, was that the time with the non-working bathrooms? That's when I, no, no. Non-working bathrooms was the second time. We go, oh, this couldn't be possibly worse.

This is one I talk about in the book. One of those, hey, we call Hennigan right after the don't ever book this again. Never again. And then the never again again tour, we're back and it's even worse.

The first time I ran into the middle of the audience and stood on a table to make assholes disappear. And I made a new front row. The front row was a wedding party or something. And they had a banquet table or whatever sitting there. And they were all talking. It was all about them.

And you jumped off stage. I stood behind you and held you from falling back as you stood on a chair in front of the table just to the stage right. And then the second time. Oh, and a flashlight. I had my flashlight on so people could see you. And how are we back here again? The fucking, all the plumbing went out. The toilets went out.

The fucking sewage was running. People are pissing in the bushes outside. I'm like, yeah, this couldn't get worse than the first time. It did. Go ahead. What's your question? No, since he's a tattoo artist, he says he thinks it would be fun to offer a tattoo to do on people while they're in, while during a live podcast, whether it's there or here

or whatever. And he would take care of all the uh health department stuff but he thinks it'd be fun to make someone squirm for a while and i just i mean i want i wanted the robert park thing but would you let someone give you a tattoo in the funhouse i fucking dep dep always i got i got the the shit. I can do it. And I'm like, let's do tattoos right now. But he would never be able to find the shit. I got the shit.

Oh, he's got a tattoo gun and everything? Yeah, yeah. He's practicing on a canned ham? Waiting for someone to sit in his chair? Yeah, I'm primed to get a tattoo. Of what? Of shit face. No, no, I don't want one. You're primed to get a tattoo of what shit face no no i don't want you're not supposed to get a tattoo on your shit face i know it's more the point is like i i've been drunk enough where i'd go yeah i'd do that but no yeah no i you're you're asking if i would plan to do that yes right. Right now, absolutely.

In the morning, no fucking way. Get out of my house. Yeah, your couple drinks in. Go ahead. Our friend at Squeaky Tiki, Acme Tiki Company. Look at him. He's on Twitter a bunch. Fucking love that.

Yeah, he's got some great stuff. Always good. He's got a question here uh who are some comedians that are legitimate introverts comedians who we'd be surprised are quiet and unassuming off stage and uh his follow-up is what about you do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert oh no i'm definitely... Well, that depends on the drink. You're transgender on this. Yeah, it depends on the drink.

Yeah, I was going to say. I'm an asshole, and then I don't want to talk in the morning. Like in a store where you're sober or hungover, and you've already yelled at someone, then we'll leave and be like, just tip 20%, let's just go. I know we didn't get the pie and we'll just leave, but a couple of drinks in you.

And yeah, there's, you're going to, you're going to smash someone's head. Cause, cause Jeff Tate can't play enough. Bob Seger. Yeah.

Who like, uh, junior stop. I don't, I only know like five comedians. That's what it feels like. Yeah. He's a a he's a fucking wicked introvert like like southern hospitality polite yeah uh a big gangly guy pin straight hair down

below his armpits and he's like very quiet and like can I walk you across this street old lady I'll catch up with you guys yeah I don't know comedians much so next question you'd also only see them when they were after a show or something you're not hanging out with them I'm just trying to think of one that you would assume

is extroverted. Well, Junior's... You just said, like, Dice Clay is the most reserved, quiet gentleman. I talk like this. I'm sorry. Did I offend you? Craig D. Miner. He says he got to paraphrase Doug's bit about how drugs don't need commercials to get customers in a town zoning board meeting about a new,

new weed dispensary. And it killed. I love it. Killer termites for life. That was Craig minor. Thank you, Craig. That's fucking great.

Roy would junior comedian. Yeah. Roy Wood Jr. Comedian. Yeah, Hennigan found a tweet where he had quoted me. And I don't know what it was in response to, but I was flattered because it's like a 20-year-old bit almost where he said something about the NBA, but he said to quote Doug Stanhope, he said drugs.

The quote was actually knives, where he said you can't keep not. It was about the bit was about the TSA after 9-11. Yeah. He said you can't keep knives out of prisons, and in prison, they look in your ass. How far are you going to go with this? And it was something about the new basketball bubble thing, and he said drugs instead of knives. But thank you, Roy Wood Jr., for remembering that.

He's on Twitter, at Roy Wood Jr. And also, thank you, Craig D. Minor, because he read it at this time. Yes, thank you. That's fucking cool as shit. I'm getting comfortable with getting old and being a relic that occasionally is remembered. Actually, that's actually a tribute in a way that is flattering. That it's not a... Yeah.

Yeah. That's relevant. Both of those. Yes. way that is flattering that it's not a yeah yeah that's that's a and relevant yes because it's actually using your words in a way that makes sense to logical people sitting in the zoning i remember when we were in costa rica i was reading at uh ggw what is his fucking ggm Yeah, whatever. And I wrote in a notebook, like he has something that was so quotable. And I go, if I wasn't such a mumbly, stuttering idiot, I'd have so much more quotable things. much more quotable things, but I tend to take too many sentences to get my points across.

Where he said something in that book, where I'm like, this doesn't even make sense, and it's a brilliant quote. My quotes make sense, but you have to get through all the stutters. Anyway, keep going. I get what you're saying. Yeah. Anyway, keep going. I get what you're saying.

Okay, Zach, this is another attaboy. Zach Wallenfang. That's a fucking brilliant... Just drop the mic on the name. That's like a Bernard Arrington. Zach Wallenfang. Zach Wallenfang has all the letters in the alphabet.

For you just catching up. For you just catching up or in the room that don't know Bernard Arringeran, that was Chaley's nom de plume when he was road managing early days and he would just call himself, spell Bernard, spell your last name, Aaron Guerin. I bought the name from my nephew when he was like in junior high. He had a fake name. And I go, what's your fake name? And yeah, he got in trouble a lot. So he goes, Bernard Aaron Guerin.

I go, spell it. And he started fumbling through it. I go, I'll give you 25 bucks for that name because he couldn't spell it. I go, you can't use this name. You can't have a fake name that you can't spell to the cop twice in a row. So I gave him 25 bucks for it. And it's A-A-R-R-O-N-N-G-A-R-R-O-N-N. Because you just double all the consonants.

You need a trick, right? He came up with another one after that. This is when Chaley had this little sneaky man mustache, pencil mustache, and he'd go on stage, and people just roundly hated him just for his getup. Well, I don't even think I was suited up. I don't even think I greased my hair. We were at a place with the first night,

we were at a fucking venue that had basically the stage. It was like a two-by-four on edge. It was like you were rightiting up there. We were at a place with, the first night, we were at a fucking venue that had basically the stage. It was like a two-by-four on edge. It was like you were right down in there. Gainesville. It wasn't Gainesville. It was Brendan Walsh was with us. And you and Brendan Walsh, thinking it'd be funny, hey, Shaylee, go out there and pretend like you own the club.

Like in front of probably the club owner, right? Yeah. But you're like fuck all you you're lucky you even got this show because of me i own this joint and you had me do it but then the the the cherry on top was part my hair like a like a like right down the middle like a three studios uh uh shemp shempemp. But it was like grease to the side, matted down. Yeah. And it was very embarrassing, but I did it.

With a bow tie. Oh man. It was, yeah. We tried that gag so many times. If you could have put buck teeth on me, you would have done it. We tried it with Floyd. Like how many times did we do gigs where, all right, here's the gag. You go up and you say, as you you know I'm the owner of the place

because the people don't know yeah and you drink specials we have $3 grape rapes at the bar shots drink specials but upcoming acts we have Cindy Lauper and the Beach Boys are

coming just a fucking slew of announcements that are all bogus. And everyone fucked it up. No one ever fucking pulled that gag off. It was always someone that wanted to do a guest set, but like, no, you do this. No, you fucked it up.

Well, if I fucked it up, you can't me do it for fucking half the tour, man. I'm talking about Floyd and who else? Anyway, go ahead. Okay, Zach Wallenfink. Hey, Doug, just wanted to give you a huge thanks to your suggestion to hoard psyllium husk instead of toilet paper. I tried it out, and goddamn, you weren't kidding about the no-wipe shits. Yes, it saves toilet paper, but more importantly, time. Oh, my God. Psyllium husk shits yes it saves toilet paper but more importantly time oh my god psyllium husk

shits and this is not product placement because this is like grain it's not like a brand it's psyllium husk oh giant shits like like okay i'm in This happened to me, but it's over now. It's ending. He's pulling out. Thank you. Don't tell my white friends that this happened. Zach adds, this has got to be one of the best-kept secrets for a pandemic survival kit,

as well as just saving a shit ton of time in general. Shit ton. Yeah. Yep. He didn't mean it, but it made sense. You want to do a couple more? Yeah.

Then we got to wrap up. Henry's got to go take a psyllium husk. We should... Yeah, we should give Henry the dog psyllium husk. Just watch him make fucking loaves half

the size of him. Alright, Kevin... Wait, hold on. Yeah, Kevin Hamilton says, how close is Doug to joining the ranks of other comedians and going on cameo? If he offered a cameo and just yelled out a drink

recipe or offered sage advice, I'd buy that shit. We've talked about this. Explain what Cameo is. Cameo is this service where you can get, like, I don't know. Gilbert Gottfried to say happy birthday to you. Yeah, or a Kardashian adjacent family member or a guy that played on the 1986 Philadelphia Phillies to say something to you.

And they've been fucking relentless for three, four years now. Sign up. Jim Norton's doing it. No, Jim Norton's doing his Chip Chipperson character doing it. He's not fucking. And I will do that for money. If you want

that, Chad Shank will do it for money. Chaley will do it for money. But I'm'm not gonna give fucking 40 percent to some other fucking company that oh because they know how to convert an mp3 file to a flv or whatever yeah why would i need you because no one's gonna go on their site and go oh doug stanhope no if you want a cameo from me. Should I build a webpage for that? No, send a fucking email to what's the email address again?

Stanhopepodcast at gmail.com. Yeah, and barter a deal with Chaley. Why do you keep eating on a fucking podcast? I don't know, am I eating? Should we get ribs brought in? Maybe crack some fucking. They're in front of me. Can you hear that? You're in front of me. Can you hear that? You're in front of a microphone.

And by the way, you're talking while you're eating. I can't hear it. All right. So yeah, maybe I'll put it up. If we were committed to the idea, we would definitely do our own cameos and fuck the middleman. Why do you, all these people that make money in this fucking industry,

when you can do it ourselves. Yeah, if you want me to send a fucking thing, yeah, send me $100 and I'll do a 30 second yeah okay no i'll say a hundred dollars that's i put it in stanhope store i can i can put an audio it would be 140 dollars on cameo yeah so you're saving money all right well all right. Fantastic. We'll work on that. Here's one more question. I think I'm spitballing here. This is a writer's room. What I'm thinking is I'm not going to say happy birthday or fucking, oh, you had a baby?

I hope it dies. If you send me something that's happy, I'm going to make it sad. But if you had a DUI, fucking you killed a guy something like that their money's probably tied up somewhere else the DUI point being I'm not going to send some fucking people always ask me if I would like do a wedding

will you do no I'm against fucking marriage don't you know who I am no I'm not going to preside. Hey, if you get one of those, you know you can get those you're a legal reverend fucking Yeah, I've had that since 1985.

You'll be a preacher for an online church or whatever. Right. But I'm not going to ordained minister. Church of something, Chula Vista Universal something. Yeah. Anyway.

So would you read, so this is. I only want to do terrible things. Would someone, if someone sent you a script, would you read it verbatim? No. Okay.

Fuck no. I know the answer. I just wanted to put that out. People do that at the merch booth. Yeah. Back when we used to do comedy on the road. Hey, can you say, hey, Pat, go fuck yourself. You should have been here.

You're a cunt. No, I'm not going to write what you tell me to write. I'll sign it, but I'll write what I want to write. Yeah, if you just want someone to sign something, go see Shaley. Go see Shaley. Hey, Doug, one more question. All right, then we gotta go Yes

That dog's gonna shit And once again If you got questions For Bobby Caldwell The prisoner From Notes in the Pen Podcast At notes

From the pen Dot com Or No They'll figure it out They'll figure it out Also you can send Questions to us

At stanhopepodcast At gmail.com or uh just get on a patreon get on the patreon stanhope podcast and uh join get in there it's only a licensed contractor when did we get those emails hey i shore up that fucking shane has a question if now this goes back to uh 30 days in the Hole, where you spent 30 days without reading Twitter, without looking at news, without listening to anything. If George Floyd had been killed on day one of the news blackout and events had proceeded as they have in the past few weeks, would you want to be up to date on the chaos enough to break the blackout? No. No.

chaos enough to break the blackout no no and and if you look at where we are now i don't know if it's just me but it's back to the same banality because the riots are over it's back to trump said something stupid and coronavirus is like the fifth story on local news. Really? There's a fire. Yeah. I watched the Tucson morning news. I'm back to KVOA. I'm off of the KGUN 9.

Does April know? No. No, I can't tell her. There's a goth. Do you really want someone else to tell her that though you want her to hear that from someone else no i i love april madison but there's a new goth girl on channel four and sean mooney sean mooney should be fucking i know he's blocked me on twitter but he's fucking great he He's a strong man.

Anyway. So you were saying that COVID is down. It's not even the top of the news. Everyone's bored with it. I don't care. I just want to stay home. I don't really... I don't want to do anything

with the rest of my life. I got a helium tank. I'm going to curl up next to it at night. Do you put a wig on it and some face makeup? I'm going to, once that fucking cat goes one step further with that, I'm going to gut it. I'm going to put that cat skin around my helium tank and I'm going to breathe through my cat's old mouth. I'm going to breathe helium until I die silently. You're going to put the cat's face over the nipple on the helium tank?

Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I have a lot of plans. Yeah, that's great. No one asked me how I'm doing. It's always about how are you doing? I get a fucking thing. What about me?

I'm curled up alone in a giant bed with a fucking helium tank. Maybe they know it's going to be a creepy answer. My cat's gutted fucking skin wrapped around it, and I breathe its breath the same way a cat crawls up on your chest chest at night and it sucks your fucking life force out of you. Well, I'm going to do that to the essence of meat wig. And I'm going to breathe in helium until I die. And I'm going to stop and have a cigarette in the middle of it and then go back to death. Is this a good way to close?

Take us out, Big O. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you.