The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #413: You Probably Think This Podcast Is About You

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

This podcast is just for you. Yes, you, lurking behind an egg icon on twitter and sending multiple lengthy emails an hour for days on end. Doug is talking to you directly on this podcast. Just like you were always convinced he was and now you are right. Enjoy.Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhopeThank you to MyBookie for sponsoring this weeks episode. Click the link and use code STANHOPE to get up to $1,000 in free play! https://mybookie.agDoug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Oct. 6th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Big shout out to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. Thank you, MyBookie, for sponsoring this episode at MyBookie. Winning season means watching live sports and betting live sports all season long join now with promo code stanhope and get your first deposit match dollar for dollar all the way up to one thousand dollars they will match your deposit up to all the way so get a jump start on your winning season isn't it time you won for once? Get to

my bookie. Promo code Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. We're all crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. That's an Alice Cooper song. This podcast with Chad Shank and Greg Chaley is dedicated to the crazy people, mentally unbalanced, meth psychosis, whatever you have. All of you people who think that this podcast is secretly talking to you specifically, this one is. I got an email this morning.

I woke up, I guess in a state, you'd call it. Got a little drunk last night with the Olivia and then high too. And then I had a bad spell in the middle.

But I woke up still kind of drunk and high. It was a bad spell. I'll get to it. Then I woke up still kind of drunk and high it was a bad spell i'll get to it then i woke up this morning and the fucking worst thing you can do first thing is check twitter or your email no i thought you stopped that i know i did but this morning for some reason i did it bad habit you got back into your routine It's weird when you go to look at pornography and you get sidetracked by emails and tweets. Like, where's your focus, son? This fucking guy.

Here's the problem. I get emails from people and obviously they've emailed repeatedly, but I don't remember your other emails. So if they do a fresh email without like where you can scroll down, like if there's a thread previous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Conversation.

So this guy, I know his name, I don't think it's Nikki Fitz, but he spells his name, Nick with a C and no K, which makes you mad. First thing in the morning, which makes you mad first thing in the morning. It makes you angry. You get surly.

What is the fucking K on the Nick? Like Old Saint Nick, I think, is N-I-C, isn't it? Not the way I spell it. Not in the way I'm re-fucking writing history. Are you sure it's a dude? Santa's Black. It's my book. Are you sure it's a dude? Santa's Black.

My book. Yeah, he says, well, fucking Nick just figured out that No Encore for the Donkey is the title of my book. He thought it was a personal thing about him. I don't know the backstory. Again, no context. It's a single sitting email saying, oh, I thought you were telling me to not email you again or something. He thought no encore for the donkey was about him. But all the marketing was just letting him know that he can stop the email. He just figured it out. Oh, I thought. And then I do remember, I'm sure it's him, an email maybe a week ago that said, I'm the donkey from No Encore from the donkey.

And I didn't understand what it meant. But a lot of people send me things they think are funny and I don't get it. And I just move on. I don't dwell a lot on email. This morning I did. You don't get your magnifying glass and uh pipe out and uh and like comb over all these no i do not bob woodward it and fucking listen i need verification i need corroborating facts no well yeah this guy so and then it's not a new thing people who think that

every fucking thing is about them, every mention on the podcast. This is to you, my crazy motherfuckers. I am talking to you specifically. First of all, don't show up at my fucking house unannounced. I want to say uninvited. Or announced. Don't announce yourself when you show up at the fucking thing this has been working well except for and i'm sure i've said this before but i'm leading with it

when we have fucking old people over fucking football just because you hear a commotion this is not fucking another year this is this year people are socially distanced and when you show up and plop your fucking ass down in a seat going oh how is everyone you're not i'm not even talking these are fucking friends of mine but you don't watch football i made a thing everyone last night was high risk fred was here he's going in for fucking surgery next week Olivia was here fucking hangs with a man who just got out of open heart surgery

and fucking Floyd with his colostomy bag is here and you just come fucking running in rough shot oh I wore a mask you were fucking too you're not even supposed to be in this fucking room when this this is an ICU for football in here, you motherfucker. Yeah.

And I understand. I set precedent by a million years of open invite. But you work in a fucking hospital. Yeah, it's weird because I've been wanting to watch football this year and then I don't come over just because I know there's people just showing up. But no, you tell me you're coming. Well. Like I have it somewhat organized. I do good.

I'm a good host. I do that well and you fuck it up. I'm not going to name goddamn names, but I'm close to. I had to fucking actually, I felt bad about it today. Like, you can't just do that. Well, I know because I work in a hospital. No, you work in a hospital, it's a problem. It's about the comfort of my guests.

Just, I know you're a sweet person. Other people, not even. And just fucking think they can walk no you can't i know how do you not be a and be a good so i felt bad about the one person i had to talk to you last night and go you can't keep doing this. This person showed up when fucking Johnny Depp's people were here. And we're talking like inside baseball shit. And she plops down and fucking conversation stops. You can't talk about this.

He's a public figure. And you're a fucking blabbermouth. And then when I felt bad about having to fucking talk to her. Is it horrible that I know who he's talking about? Oh, yeah. I don't know who doesn't. None of the listeners know that I know who he's talking about? Oh, yeah. I don't know who doesn't. None of the listeners know. I know.

But she evidently listens, but she doesn't. And then I remembered when I did fucking tin can rehab. It's like eight years ago or something. I don't know. And we were podcast. She knew the trailer I was staying in would bang on the fucking door and scare the shit out of me. She's never known any kind of fucking social distancing

on a fucking completely maniacal level. Like, okay, I have to hide in a fucking trailer on a dead lot off the property to fucking rehab, and you're knocking on the fucking door going, I knew where you were the whole time. Yeah fuck off you knew where i was you knew the whole point of this was did not bother me because that's the only way i can fucking stay sober and fuck dude so yeah then when i felt bad i remembered that i'm like no you have to fuck off tracy can i get a gin and tonic please I'm not I'm talking about her but I'm really talking

to you listener this is about you you know who you are I've had stalkers like email stalkers it's it's Stalkers. Like email stalkers. I was reading something about death threats again. Was this research for the podcast? Twitter rule about anyone hoping for Trump to die is going to get banned.

But people say, I got death threats about this and that. That means I hope you die. Hoping doesn't make, that's not a death threat. You fucking self-involved fucking narcissist. No one really wants to fucking kill you. Some of us. But some of us take the time to figure out who you are track you down find your address and then sleep peacefully knowing we could kill you knowing i could knowing where you live

knowing what time you leave the fucking office but you didn't get a fucking death threat because someone says i hope you die it was some comedian they quoted i don't know what i read in the morning other than the fucking nick's email no encore for the donkey you miss tracy just showed up she's she's in the arrears we're doing this podcast for all the crazy people who think this is just a podcast for them so we can communicate we'll mic her up what's the frequency caneth i've had stalkers that you go what happened to them there's one jasmine if you're listening jasmine used to send me like these just repeated crazy emails fucking offer fucking nuts is that the one like double digits? She's the only one that I, like I have my annoying folder and my crazies folder.

Then I have a Jasmine folder just for her. And she's not even the crazy, but at the time she usurped everyone else for the bulk volume of emails. And she's now, now, I text with her. She sent me a book. Hey, thank you, Jasmine. She sent, I think you took it. The Don Quixote.

Yeah. She sent me like some old. So you're saying there's a chance for some of the crazies that are listening to come around and be your friend and text with you. It's just like Fight Club. It's really a mixed message. It's a horrible message, if I'm being honest. Well, she was in Australia.

She wasn't showing up at my door. Irina Sable was the one that sent me this Russian. You and your blue hair, you fuck suck. She's Russian and all this. And literally thousands of emails. And she just dropped off the face of the earth. I wanted to email her back today. And then I said, no.

So a lot of people, a lot of the crazies I want to talk to specifically, and I'll save it for the podcast. Like, is it because they've stopped that you're like kind of missing them? Yeah, you feel like you're out of favor. I mean. Who are they bothering now? Olivia can contest that when you're only as good as your last show, you can spiral into this place of I'm completely forgotten as a comedian.

I'm a worthless entity. And when a stalker drops off, am I still relevant? Are they going with Sebastian Maniscalco now? You go from like, no one likes me to like, no, you go from like, I wonder if anyone still likes me to like, man, no one even hates me anymore. How irrelevant have I become? How do I get these people to stop coming by my fucking house? All chaotic.

Oh my god. This is the verboten podcast. This is when we... I don't even know what to say. I'm letting him talk. I'm watching you. I'm watching you in your car. Sorry.

Putting subliminal messages for the crazies. They hear it. You don't. I don't know. This will be the one podcast that they think was not talking to them. That's the problem with it. That's the bummer about it. It's all talking to Kenny on

his birthday. This is Kenny's birthday. Castle Rock Kenny is turning how old? I don't know. He's like a praying man. 40 something. Yeah. I did a lot of telemarketing today trying to kill time out there on the patio working the phone bank yeah getting people to call castle rock kenny for his birthday

nickelback called him that's great yeah gretchen bear is the funniest one because gretchen is she's a local artist and she knows Kenny knows who he is everyone knows who Kenny is but it's not someone she would like that had to be the most fucked up call for Kenny like why would Gretchen Bear call me she's from the other side of the tracks

she's big time old Bisbee and I'm Bakerville Kenny local reference old Bisbee and I'm Bakerville Kenny. Local reference. I don't mind carrying this motherfucker. I have notes. Your name's on the marquee so you should expect that every time. Oh yeah.

Doug Stano podcast. As security I'm going to defer to you to do all of the security violations. I'll be quiet. Yeah. The latest crazy to do all of the security violations. I'll be quiet. Yeah, the latest crazy. I get updates, but what about the one with the restraining order?

No one ever fills me in on that one. Because I think that was a couple of fucking meth-induced. That's not all crazy. There's drugs. You can't just blame crazy. A lot of times the drugs are a self fucking medication for the crazy, but it just doesn't help

anything. Yeah, not on my end. Well, not on their end either. I say they, I mean me it's a beautiful fucking morning these shades the blinds I came in here this morning it looks homey it's nice

the sunlight coming down shards from the blinds I'm fucking high I don't care i'm well when we were doing the happy hour we set up with the facing the blinds so that the backdrop is basically looking at the big screens and it was getting a little dark before i got too drunk and uh i just twist them open we don't even have to have lights down here when we're when we're filming during the day so it works out really good. Only took, what, eight years? It looks like Pee-wee's Playhouse if Pee-wee got married.

It's just a little bit better of an atmosphere than it used to be, but the same general vibe. We're rolling towards Chuck E. Cheese, like the family entertainment. Oh, you guys keep going. I'm trying to read. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, no, these are notes for at some point.

Now would be good. Oh, yeah. Well, I just throwing it out there during the silence. I like the silence. I'm good with a lot of things I was telling Miss Grace earlier that I am terrified that on my

deathbed should I be writing this down? it was funny at the time I think this could be a premise if I ever did comedy is that I'm going to think that I really wanted to do all this shit i don't want to do on a daily basis like i didn't walk out in the desert enough for enjoy like i don't want to do any of that i

i'm afraid that on my deathbed i'm gonna fucking trick myself into thinking i should have done more trips to the coast or something and i i don't want to do that i've had the same thoughts lately because i've been telling my i'm like do you want to be a fucking don't want to do that. I've had the same thoughts lately because I've been telling my wife, do you want to be a fucking do you want to be the fat guy at the pet store in a wheelchair on oxygen? That's going to be you if you don't straighten

your shit up. And then I'm like, I kind of like sitting around. I mean, I don't really know that I'm going to feel regret. My biggest fear is I'm going to develop a conscience and'd be sorry for all the things i've done all of us i do remember us having a conversation or a podcast the same thing where uh if we yeah people who have near-death experiences and then they go out and i'm gonna relive my life and we're like no I wouldn't be that guy. I would be like, yeah, I almost died, but I still don't care about anything.

That's why it's wasted on me. There's people that want to enjoy life. I'm fully capable and I could care less. Like someone just waiting to do a 180. But you're the one who gets tapped with the feeling, and then it's wasted. It would be a boring movie where you wait for me to discover the greatness of life, and I just go all the way to deck

going, this sucks. Told you. Told you. So your little angel, the guy from It's a Wonderful Life, Clarence, is like, no, no, he's going to turn. He's going to turn. Get on that mic. Bring a drink back and then get on that mic.

I want to talk to Tracy. I called Ann Carl for Judge to call Kenny to wish him happy birthday, but she's fucking swiped me. It was after two and a half rings. So now it's back up in the air. Are we Lindstrom people or are we Ann Carl people? I don't know. I gotta, oh, that's,

that was the tweet that fucking set me off. Someone goes, hey, you know that? Because my video that I made for Jason Lindstrom before, prescient, saying, yeah, he writes fucked up shit on Facebook, but yeah, I trust him wholeheartedly. He's running for superior court judge as a Republican, which is brilliant because he knows

he can only get fucking elected as a Republican, but he ain't no Republican. And he writes dumb shit on Facebook, like challenging people. So he wrote some shit. Oh, he thinks that if you accept welfare, you shouldn't have any right

to vote. He does this shit. This all blew up the Bisbee Observer front page and then two letters to the editor. I didn't know any of this. Wasn't that an older... That's a year old. He just opens dialogue that you didn't even know existed, which is

kind of cool. Yeah. And some fucking guy, his, you know, Anon tweeted, you know the guy that you support? What, is bingo on disability? She wouldn't even have the right to vote. I'm like, like, I can't defend it in a tweet. disability she wouldn't even have the right to vote i'm like like i can't defend it in a tweet because he did defend it which sounds completely implausible but it's jason lindstrom he says fucked up things like that just trying to challenge people's he said but he doesn't believe any of that

he fucking he's the one that when when bingo came out of the coma and came home and needed help here, she couldn't get the whatever specialist therapy person in Bisbee. In a rehab. Had to have an address in Sierra Vista. He's like fucking handed me his fucking house keys. He's legit on levels I can't go into. Yeah. But yeah, we've been to other realms together i think he i think he uh he that post went out before he decided to run as well

but he's and i'm just i'm just saying that that's like you're not even taking him on what he stands for now in what on his platform he was a district attorney he'd just be writing this fucking shit on facebook like he likes to explore well he gets other people's opinions and then you get opinions that you didn't nobody knew existed and then people agree on something that was completely different i like the guy i like his oh he's fucking his facebook post he's i always tease him because i told him i said i was idealistic one time too i said nihilism is the next stop for you. Once you realize this is bullshit, you're on to nihilism. Yeah, but he's brilliant against incarceration for drug, the diversion shit things.

He's a solid dude. dude but it's very hard to argue when in his words as I got the fucking that tweet you know you're supporting your guy no I can't tweet like what we're saying that's why I went alright

today's he's he's a pragmatic he's a good dude yeah and if you know anything about me that's Maddock. He's a good dude. Yeah. And if you know anything about me, that's my biggest fucking gripe with the world is the prison system, the

fucking justice system. Yeah, he's on top of this. I know what I'm doing here. I support Jason Lindstrom and Carl if it got down to it. But fucking Sandy Russell, that fucking other douchebag that's running as an independent. Yeah. No support here, Sandy.

Told her. Yeah. Or him. I don't know. No, it's her. I should warn her that this podcast is going out so she can get ready for the backlash. I can create a backlash if I wanted one. But she might win.

You don't want to fucking make enemies. But probably not. Oh, Sandy Russell, the other candidate, is... Oh, wait. You were the lawyer that tried to sue me on behalf of Amber Heard, that lying cunt. Oh, lying cunts. If there's more than one, is it a gackle or a herd? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you sue me once. Shame on me. But then run for fucking office go fuck yourself i don't have to be down right now i think i'm funny right now i really do i called todd glass and i told him i loved him he answered the phone i was fucking strong i i very uh self uh we believe in yourself self-confidence yeah that's the one and it worked out nickelback called fucking kenny to say happy birthday todd glass call kenny no i called todd glass i didn't

even say he just answered the phone i thought it it was one of those trick messages where he said, he answered the phone. All right, we have two callers in front of you. Just please hold. And I'm like, oh, that's a very funny outgoing message. He goes, okay, now on the line is Doug Stano. I'm like, oh, what? This is live. Do you remember Hedberg's outgoing message?

Not a funny one. Yeah. If you'd like to hear a loud tone, press one now. Otherwise, leave a message. My dad has a hilarious one, but it's on accident. He doesn't know how to do it, and he's just so serious. Hello? This is Lonnie Shank. So whenever you get the thing, hello? on accident he doesn't know how to do it and he's just so serious hello this is lani shank

so whenever you get the thing hello hey what's going on yeah and then oh i got your message and you didn't even mean to henry phillips had a long standing out it probably still has it i don't have him in my new phone yet but uh it's like, hey, sorry, I was just calling. No, I mean, you're calling me. So and he just fucked it up. But then he accidentally deleted it. So he tried to recreate it and he fucked it up. And it's probably still is outgoing. The fucked up version of him trying to recreate his brilliance.

The funny one. Yeah. We should break because it seems like 20 minutes. You were just on a roll. I just wanted you to get through this. Yeah, I'm gonna be on a roll all day. I think we should just record me all day. I feel fucking strong.

Shut up, Dumpsville. Alright, let's go read some ad copy. What? You're not supposed to say that. Please hold. We got a note. Got some notes on stuff.

It said don't say ad copy? Yeah. But that was probably during the ad copy. Do people know that they don't know that it's ad copy? Hang on. Are we tricking people? Hey, you know, we have to, you know, it's September

11th in everyone's mind if you never forgot. So what we're going to do is we're going to give a shout out to the first responders of the Doug Stanhope podcast. The people that keep the lights on around here. I have that written down.

Keep the lights on around here. Say we got to pay some bills. We got to pay some bills right now. And we're going to be back right after. Oh, shit. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Wait, wait. No, no. We're going live. And Carl for Judge. We were just... You're on speakerphone, and we are on a podcast right now. Oh, no. You're kidding.

Yes. All right. We were just talking about Jason Lindstrom and his proclivity for writing stupid shit on Facebook that's years old. I don't know if you've. Well, whatever it was, it's not something that I have gotten involved in. So I just wanted to make sure that the public knows that I'm not orchestrating any kind of smear campaign. I have stayed away from that.

Yes, I know. campaign. I have stayed away from that. Yes, I know. And there's a third party that has actually kind of tried to shipwreck both of your campaigns. And we have already talked about her. I don't know if you know my backstory with Sandy

Russell, but she took up the Russell law firm, took up Amber Heard's case when she was suing me for nothing, just to get me to shut up. I can believe that, but that's also not a part of my shtick. I love your shtick. None of the listeners know local shit.

I was calling you for the silliest reason go ahead i want you to call our friend kenny castle rock kenny who we try to get to run for mayor against our other dipshit friend last uh but that's 2016 yeah but would you call kenny and because you'll have my vote if you will call kenny and say happy birthday oh well do i know kenny no you don't no but okay nickelback has called kenny to say happy birthday i'm just kidding gretchen bear has called kenny he's he's a nice kid that works around here he's so i'm getting all the weirdest people to call him i will i will call him but i will text i will text the number now because we're going to break and it's fantastic if you want to if you want to do a goofy debate with jason

lindstrom on the patio you know where i live we have a nice socially distanced patio if you want to do that because okay all right well um take a time and it's possible. But at the same time, you know, judges really can't debate. Yeah, I know. Anyway, yeah. I'd probably bail out of this later. That's all right. All right. Have a great rest of your day.

Text me that number. Okay. Thanks. Bye. All right. See? There you go. All right. Now we're going to break.

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And only at MyBookie. Okay, and also a huge shout out to Helix Sleep. The best mattress for the best night's sleep in the world. And we got our mattress from Helix. We gave it to Joby, our friend who suffers the most from insomnia and has the hardest time sleeping.

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send you how to send it to you and if it doesn't work out you have a hundred days to send that thing back listen Helix is awesome but you don't need to take my word for it Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick by GQ and Wired magazine and you know that had to cause a kerfuffle in the writer's room. Like, we don't want to be looking like we're wired. We're our own thing. GQ already said they're the best. Should we go with a different direction?

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Yeah, maybe it doesn't translate to the listener. But we just did like 35 minutes of fucking advertisements that I was having fun with. I can't tell if Chaley's really mad. I don't know if he's playing the curmudgeon part or... I think he's mad. Do you think so? I'm alright. He just knows we're going to get fired.

No, that has nothing to do with it. I'm just tallying in my head as much as you goofing around and everything, that's fine. But I'll spend more time editing these two spots than I will this podcast. That's why I said just fucking don't edit at all. Just leave 35 minutes of me reading ad copy. I like that idea.

Because what else are we talking about? We just talked to Ann Carl, the fucking Cochise County Superior Judge candidate. They don't know that. They don't know that. They don't know her. So why wouldn't they just listen to me fuck up ad copy? I will honestly say I enjoyed the shit out of the whole first part of the podcast. But I have not laughed harder than during those ad reads. And I agree.

Oh, my God. Now the onus is on Chaley to not edit. As read. And it will make your job easier, my God. Now the onus is on Chaley to not get it. As Red. And it will make your job easier, Chaley. I will bet Greg Chaley if you leave those spots in and we get fired from both of them, I will pay you for whatever they were going to pay you for six months of advertising. Six months? Yes.

Shit. Yeah. I would have encouraged you more if I knew that. Maybe I've been playing it this way the whole time. That's nice, Sheely. I like that. Is there a proposition bet on my bookie? See?

See, I brought it back around. I replugged a sponsor. Replugged them. I think I'm killing it i agree sir i feel i i i feel like we could just make this a like a happy hour the happy hours have been so much fun the last one i i know some people are bitching about the fucking but we gotta keep it limited the zoom the happy hour zoom things we've been doing. I think we should just do that as a podcast.

I have the most fun with that. Well, not everyone's in on that because. There's another crazy that was on there. What? I forgot. This is about the crazy. Someone. Hey, he's talking to me about.

I'm the guy from the Zoom and I'm like. I was worried about that on the zoom i was scrolling through all oh no yeah because chad's on the chat and then he'll chime in on none of the big crazies but this this one guy he just keeps emailing i don't i don't want to make people feel bad but sure you say well yeah i kind of do that's the problem i woke up in that place where i just i want to but but he i think he initially emailed that he knew someone that should be on the podcast that wanted to be on the podcast and i'm like well tell her to email chaley or whatever i said and now he just keeps emailing me with so and-and-so was on the Rogan podcast.

He's a fan of yours. You should get him on the podcast. I talked to him. Just because I said, yeah, tell him to email us. Now he's a booking agent. And he was on the, I didn't get to him because I knew the name. Another problem is I see a name I recognize and I think, oh, we talked to him last week on the happy hour. No, I didn't.

No, I know him from email where now he's just sending me all these. Sorry, I'm drunk. But I drink because my SSRIs don't work as well as alcohol. I'm sorry I've been drunk. I don't know who you are. But obviously, we've had conversations. So, yeah, he keeps... I know his name.

I know who it is. And I've answered him on the emails. Yeah. I mean, the first few. And then I don't really have much to do after that. I don't want to piss on the fire in your soul. But you're not a booking agent, and we probably don't have anything to say to the people. He was a skateboard guy.

It's like this skater guy. I would have nothing to say to a skateboard guy. We're not desperate for fucking people to be on. Yeah, it's not really that. Your enthusiasm enthusiasm you specifically matthew greenhouse is uh it's not uh i'm not shitting on you i'm just saying i have nothing to say to those people how much do you think i don't want to even say. But how much... I don't know how much I just wagered with Greg Chaley.

I'm probably not going to do it. You're not going to do it? No, I won't take it. It's not fair to the sponsor. I think everything I said about the... I didn't say anything bad about the sponsor. Come on, you know. I thought it was knowing your audience

and appealing to your audience in a way that's going to connect with them. That's not the way the ad company looks at it. Well, you're outvoted on the podcast. Let's go to the cheap seats. Oh, the people who are laughing hysterically the whole time? I wonder who they're going to go with. Your mail-in ballot goes to who?

Stan Hope. Of course. I know I'm outnumbered here. That's fine. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Well, it would save you a lot of work, and the money's been guaranteed. Yep. Mm-hmm.

So, win-win. Everybody gets to hear a fucking half an hour of hilarious commercials. That's 27. Not as good as the best commercial we've ever done, but pretty good. That has been coming up. That's going to be released probably on the, not this Patreon, but the next one. The ad that we got fired for. Nice.

I got to find it. Hi, this is Doug Stanhope. Actor, writer, enthusiast, and part-time broadcaster as seen on YouTube and all the other social networks. Do you like apparel? Well, what if I told you you could get apparel

right there on the internet? I get all my apparel from Zip Zoo Apparel. If you ever want a t-shirt that has a kind of Felix the Cat head on it and it says, you're gonna die in a really kooky font and it's on a yellow t-shirt, none of that black shit, go to Zip Zoo Apparel. You can get them on Twitter, at Zip Zoo Apparel.

Apparel all year long. ZipZooApparel.com in Cincinnati. Come in Cincinnati. Woo. We are so close to the election. And still no word about doing End of the World Part 2. We're going to do something. But I don't know about Kreischer or Burr or Rogan.

What's going on there? I got questions on that, too, on the Patreon. Have you even talked to Rogan? No, no. Yeah, when I was calling all these people to tell Kenny happy birthday, I stopped short of Burr and Rogan. I did call Kreischer, but he didn't answer. And he knows Kenny. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Kenny's his favorite part of the podcast. Absolutely favorite. Unless you bring up Derek, then. Yeah. Derek's also absolutely his favorite. All time. Is that how we're going to end?

In contention? Can we get back into a groove? No contention? What's the contention? I don't know. You made an offer and I'll figure out what I'm going to do. I offered my honor. Maybe we'll get the calculator.

He doesn't even know. Just make it up. Those are weekly spots. You can just make it up. He doesn't even know what it is. Six months. That's 24 weeks. He's not gonna question

it just make up a number give me make up a number give us a raise i thought uh there's i have i have so many podcast ideas in the can meaning written down on yellow legal pads such as this. But I have so many yellow legal pads, I don't know where they are. But I want to do the Tracy podcast, and I want to do a fucking Q&A Patreon for the book because we couldn't do a book tour, and I want to do that. But I thought today, well, we're only like three months away from the hard copy and i think i'll wait till we put out a hard copy of no encore for the donkey that's all about you that title the title i wrote it so you would know that i'm talking to you we're all crazy everybody is a little bit off kilter. But I know you. I see you.

I read your emails. I see you watching my specials. Point being, we're all just sinking a little bit in the swamp here, in the septic tank. Irma Bombeck once wrote a book called The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank. And who'd know in 1974 that she'd be right 36 years later. Is that 46?

Here's to you, Eddie Van Halen and irma bombeck may you fuck in hell what why does everything have to make sense i don't get it i like how this podcast started off talking to a certain class of people and then it just devolved into revealing that stanhope has become the class of people crazy people are not a class yes we are they're not a class they're a fucking a gender what it's fucking true i i will argue with you there well you don't have wikipedia because you can't afford it that's why why Spanish people don't know English because they don't have the money. This is what's going on in there right now. In his head.

I have a subscription to the great courses. He's telling me I can't have Wikipedia. If this is how it's going to go down. Listen, I don't know. You turned the room on you is what happened. I didn't do it.

You're steering the ship. You had it. We were letting you have the helm. I had notes. We started this. I had notes. But your notes are still there. You just quit looking at them.

Yeah, well, they ran out of words on the notes. Then that's the end of notes. I think that means we're done. I think we're done. What's for sale on the eBay yard yard sale because i'll tell you what i went into the crawl space and i cleared it out over a course of weeks well i did it in two hours and then i ignored it for two weeks now i brought all the crawl space memorabilia shit i have two buckets of fucking 30 years of like newspaper clippings and old posters i found some shit for ebay yard sale i'm like oh if we're just gonna do one a week i don't think

i have that many weeks left because uh we got some shit so i want to do black friday ebay yard sale i i don't know if tr Tracy's up for handling that bulk. She doesn't do any of that. She takes the pictures. I'm the one who posts everything online. Well, I don't know who boxes it and tapes it. God damn it. Jaylee's such a fucking...

She doesn't do anything. I'm telling you that she's not the one who does that part of it. I'm the one who posts the stuff online. She takes pictures and then she sends it. I'm just trying to give her a little credit. I'm going to twitch the fist fight that's going to ensue. I gave her the credit. I said what she does.

You said she doesn't do anything except lick a stamp. You just said she only licks the stamps. I swear. So it's the ears. You might not have said that. The problem is it's the ears right now. You can't hear things. I hear what I want to hear.

That's true. I just have to keep pretending Chaley's just this straight man in this comedy bit. So this week is the fireball cinnamon whiskey chiller. Oh.

Yeah. For your man cave, if Chiller. Oh, yeah. For your man cave, if you use that word, it's a terrible, terrible word. But yes, it's a fireball. It's a thing. For your he shed. He shed. that's contagious

let's just hope the laughter is contagious people will be high listening to this what if we get reviewed we do we do we just don't read it I wouldn't know where to find it but if this podcast got reviewed

I would love to know some of the reviews for this oh speaking of reviews the comedy store on Showtime uh the documentary yeah it's a series fucking i it's showtime so you actually have to wait five weeks or for like however many episodes one per week just dump them all at once motherfucker compete i Compete. I'll wait until they're all

done and then I'll get the free trial and binge them. I was just saying, because Morgan Murphy, every time I've brought it up and she hadn't even watched it, she'd say, yeah, well, the reviews from the LA Times are like... Who cares? I know. Morgan brings a lot of

fucking grief I left LA to avoid and spews it up. Now you import it? Yes. So the Comedy Store series is different than the one that came out, I think, two seasons ago with Al Madrigal in it. Oh, that's a show. It's a show, yeah. Because that's what I thought it was when I saw it.

I'm like, they's a show. It's a show, yeah. Because that's what I thought it was when I saw it. I'm like, they changed the name. And I thought, because I've read, there's so many books out about the Comedy Store in the 70s. And this goes the entire, they're teasing Rogan and Mencia as upcoming things. It's the entire history. And there's not a single person in the first episode that's alive that wasn't on it. Fucking Letterman is there in the comedy store talking about Leno and them coming up.

Leno as well. JJ Walker is in it. There's nobody that's not in this. And I've never seen the comedy store fucking delved into like this. Wicked good. If you're on Bisbee Tinder, look for Olivia Grace. My head is in so many places. So, yeah, the Comedy Store is out on Showtime,

and it's weekly on Sundays. And the next one coming up is Chris Rock. Last one was Maren. They started it off as like, oh, WTF. Do you want me to try to read ad copy for the Comedy Store series? You're all done. You deserve better entertainment. Go to Showtime.

It's still on the air. Showtime. I had a Showtime special. It was very good. It was called No Refunds. That was Showtime? Yeah, that was Showtime special. It was very good. It was called No Refunds. That was Showtime? Yeah, that was Showtime. That was my Showtime special.

I never had an HBO special, and I was not on Carson. I think that was one of the first things I heard of yours was no refunds, and it was on XM Comedy. I was driving around a lot. I worked at the newspaper. And it was. You saw that special too. You're thinking the same thing that Chad is saying.

Chad's saying all your thoughts. I can watch it over and over again. From my own house. I don't ever have to leave home. Never leave home. Never leave home. Don't go to the bad, bad place. 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

Don't go to the bad, bad place. Stay home. Stay home. Not just because it's a pandemic. Stand back. Nobody wants you here. Stand back and stand by, crazies. We're crazy supremacists one day the crazies will rule the world stand back and stand by i don't disown you i would never not in a debate not with the covid I will never tell the crazies that I disavow them.

I say stand back and stand by. One of us. One of us. One of us. This podcast is for you. I put a lot of money on this podcast.

So I want you to go and rate it I want Yelp reviews it's iTunes what I don't know what it is I know that's what it is that's what they're charged with you just told them to rate

your podcast on Yelp yeah okay yeah I did that I did the wrong thing I said the wrong thing. I said the wrong thing and you're the straight man. Corrected you. And Chad is here to go, I don't know what's going on with these two kooky mother effers.

That's how we rehearsed. Mother truckers. That's what Chad says when he's angry. All durned it. I could talk all day. I think you are going to talk all day. Oh, all right.

Should we just shut this down? No, I got a couple of questions for you. Oh, good. These are from Patreon. Why don't you start with that? This is from Patreon. This is a great podcast, by the way. This is a great podcast.

If you're wondering, how can I get more of this kind of content? I'll tell you how. Once a month, we do an extra bonus podcast. And now the happy hours through our Patreon channel. Just go to patreon.com slash Dan Hope Podcast. Happy hours. That's where you get to talk back.

Have something to say, people. Tell me about your COVID. Tell me what you've done for the last seven months. I did like that last time. How's your COVID? What's your COVID? What's your COVID? Tell me what you've done for seven months, because I don't know the outside world.

Yes, I'm actually intrigued of what happens, because what happens in Fort Wayne is different than what happens in fucking Oslo. And we get all of you and we get to talk to you. And I like it. And I have fun. And we spend four hours. It turns out we're finding because it's international, the happy hour. We're finding out things fucked up elsewhere that I didn't know it was as bad. Like in New Zealand two weeks ago.

Yeah. Like, oh, yeah, it's bad over here in Australia. And then the UK people. The guy in Russia. Oh yeah. And Dietz in Thailand. Not Thailand. Taiwan.

Taiwan. All right. So here's a question, Doug. This is from the Patreon questions. Yeah. Hey, Doug. Hey, Patreon. Hey, Doug.

I'd like to take you up on your plug for the Shady Dell in which you say you'll come over for a drink. How much of a heads up do you need? I'm planning a very lengthy road trip from Minneapolis in the next month or two and fully intend to stay there for a night. Best, Zach Wallenfang.

Ah, Wallenfang. We know that name. You only hear Wallenfang once. Yeah. I just read it. Yeah. Someone? once yeah i just read it yeah i just heard you it's a different fucking day and age all right yeah we used to have that if we were here's the deal if you're in town anyway don't plan around me i might be hung over i might not be able to come.

But yeah, stay at the Shady Dell. We've stayed at the Shady Dell a few times now just for staycations. You might run into Stanhope at the Shady Dell if you stay there. Yeah, email me when you're in town. And if I go, hey, Wall and Fang is in town. We should fucking road trip down there. Kenny, birthday boy Kennyny will drive us he's sober and then we might come see you and rock your trailer like literally like detroit just lost the

pistons lost to the lakers and then we rock your trailer and shake you awake and then you rush out with a blunderbuss because you don't have money for a real shotgun. You run out like Elmer Fudd with a blunderbuss going, who be shaking my trailer? And then we run off in a pickup truck in a gackle with pitchforks. Like Jesus, Elmer Fudd was black too.

And Santa. Makes more sense now. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I make complete sense. Why is fucking everybody but Chaley the only people who understand? I'm right. Yeah, okay, next question.

I know we ran over this earlier, and I don't... Oh, the skunk? We ran over a skunk. I can't remember if it was during the ad read so I'm gonna we'll just put this out there thanks Doug for the new book I fucking loved it he read

like lines to his wife and they fucking well you didn't have to use coarse language like that he says you're a goddamn legend and he'd like to know if you plan on releasing the print version so he can complete the Stan Hope Bingaman section of his shelf. Yeah, yeah.

We're doing that as you've caught on. Thank you for the question. Too late. I've already addressed it. First of all, don't take the Lord's name in vain or say the F word because we'll lose a sponsor. You're talking to me. You're talking to me. God damn it.

Fuck that. Do you have a release date? Is there a target date on that. You're talking to me. God. God damn it. Fuck that. How. Do you have a release date? Is there a target date on that? No. It's February. Six months. Audible has exclusive.

But this book needs to be read and savor every word. You read the page. You tear the page out. You smoke a joint with the page like a Bible and then you eat the page. That you just smoked. The roach. Yeah. Well, the ashes. Whatever. Eat the ashes. Put it in your mouth. The roach. Whatever. Roach.

I'm just catching up on the nomenclature of the youth. Smoke Mary Jane with the page and then eat the syringe. Go ahead. Next question.

One more question, Doug. I just finished There's No Encore for the Donkey. Hey, Nicky Fitz, I'm still a little bit high, and that's from like 36 hours ago, I think. Go ahead. And I needed to congratulate 36 hours ago, I think. Go ahead. And I needed to congratulate Doug on writing such an incredible book. I have a daughter who spent months in ICU, and the book captured everything so well. As a fan of the podcast for years, I was excited to have many unfinished stories come together. This was so incredibly well done, and it ended with the perfect line followed by Bingo's beautiful song, which I've listened to 20 times.

Thank you, Eric Carr. I think Chaley sounded like he was tearing up reading that. I think Chaley, we just found, like the Grinch that stole Christmas and his little black heart. I think we just found emotion from Chaley. Are you trying to get back in his good graces by cry shaming him? I don't think that works i can feel my you're such a you're such a nigger so i think that one was i made a mistake

i didn't mean to end on a high note high note here's one from nicole perez which we addressed on the uh on the happy hour last week where uh we remember i remembered her long email oh my god is nicole perez the one that we uh we nipple shamed no because i felt like after we did that uh i go oh that was kind of like i metooed that girl she completely sexualized her yeah but to the la times they might fucking come down hard on me for saying oh she had one nipple that was visibly erect and the other was a lazy eye. And I feel like I shouldn't have pointed that out. I should have listened to maybe she had a band-aid. Maybe there was a suicide in her family.

Oh, Charlie the intern. I got a fucking email from Charlie the intern's alcoholic dad saying he's in a fucking VA hospital on suicide watch please call Charlie the intern which I think he has his phone with him and I called and of course his phone goes to uh

you can't be in suicide watch but he signed the email I forgot all about this this was another reason we're doing this for the crazies Charlie the intern he signed it Charlie the intern's alcoholic dad I'm like well that sounds like bullshit

but he did follow up twice with unnecessary detail and a lie so it's not a lie I thought Charlie the intern's alcoholic dad was a moniker that you assigned him he signed the email Charlie but that's what i said to the fucking the bulbous headed grace is i go it sounded like it sounded like bullshit except

the content was legit so i think probably one of the times charlie the intern was on the podcast we probably talked about his alcoholic father or he did it was after when they were milwaukee remember oh that's when we met him chaley has a memory yeah unfortunate fellow so i did call and i did not uh did not reach charlie but please don't kill yourself son you have so much more to disappoint the populace with. You talk such a good game, and there's a place for that. It's not here. That became apparent. Became?

What? I'm sorry. Did I say a bad word? No. Go ahead, sir. All right. Anyway, Charlie, hey, I hope you pull through. I mean, not with the suicide thing.

That would be bad. I hope you make it. I hope all your dreams come true. All your vision of the future. Where did Tracyacy go she's supposed to make me a goddamn i wanted to close on one of those drinks you're not near closing the podcast yes but you're not done oh you're just ramping up yeah no i wanted to do one of those pinochle drinks with the fucking the squeezes the juice the pomegranates pinochle drinks with the fucking, the squeezes, the juice, the pomegranates. Pinochle pomegranates?

Yeah. With the egg whites. Gotcha. That would be so good right now. All right. I don't think I'm done at all. I think I'm going to greet this new day like I had a near-death experience. And I'm going to go out.

I'm going to take that walk. I'm going to meet a neighbor. I'm going to feel good about myself i'm gonna call todd glass back and say listen i'm just insecure and your love for me makes me feel like i'm okay that'll probably just annoy him and make him not love you anymore yeah no i should quit while i'm a voicemail on the todd glass just just just you don to have to heed my advice. That's my opinion. Let's go get Kenny and give him a scrubble bath for his birthday.

A forced scrubble bath. We put him in the tub. We hold him down. We scrub him. Just scrub him. And giggle. Like when you get your dog in the belly, people, crazy, crazy people. You know, when you get your dog in the belly who's got you in the belly who's got you in the belly that's what we're gonna do to kenny and if i knew his address

i would give it to you right now and you could go in the middle of the night and give kenny a scrabble bath uh-oh uh-oh this says spam risk it's my. I'm going to have to go take a call from spam risk. And I hope it's you calling. It's a car warranty. Bingo. You're not crazy. You take us out of this. Okay.

Bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Awesome is an awesome dog. All right, you want to start with the MyBookie? Oh, I thought that's how I was getting into it. Oh, MyBookie. Oh, shit. That's what you said. You wanted to do that first. This party is brought to you by Day Drinking and MyBookie.

MyBookie, that's right. Thank you, MyBookie, for sponsoring this episode and MyBookie. MyBookie, that's right. Thank you, MyBookie, for sponsoring this episode. At MyBookie, winning season means watching live sports and betting live sports all season long. I'm talking to you, crazy. Double down. You can win this. You have a system. You have a system.

You have a project, and you're going to see it through. My bookie, right now, NFL football, NBA playoffs. Well, fuck. Join now. If you just stay to the script, sir.

I fucking jumped down a line. Sorry. Jumped down four. Why don't you just fucking rip off the part I'm not supposed to read? You put a bunch of words in front of me, and I'm the dildo that's picking out the wrong ones. Join now with promo code Stanhope. That's the same as my name.

Promo code Stanhope and get your first deposit match dollar for dollar all the way up to $10? $100? No, $1,000! They will match your deposit up to all the way. So get a jumpstart on your winning season. Isn't it time you won for once? Isn't it your day to shine? Get to my bookie.

Promo code Stanhope. We're going to win everything! bookie promo code Stan Hope. We're going to win everything. Do I do a follow up to that? Down below that mid roll 60 start. I think if you read my book, no encore for the donkey, which is really about you,

you'll see where there's three lines on the back too. So you're three lines on the back, too, so... There are three lines on the back. Oh, wait. On the back? What are you... Fucking Chaley can't fucking afford paper. He has to double print shit on the...

Every play you want to make is... Whoa, whoa, whoa. She pointed to that. Oh, you said three lines on the back. Yeah. At the bottom of the 60 read... If this doesn't go out as fucking red, I'm quitting. It's barely going to go out.

I'm quitting. I'm going to quit. You're going to start with NFL football. We're at the mid-roll 60, right? And on the other side of that page are three lines to finish it. Last time you didn't, and we had to go back. No, we had to. Just go to helix.com slash Stanhope.

This is on the back. This is a my bookie read that says just go to helixsleep.com. It's highlighted. It's on the same thing. What are you talking about? It says Helix. No, no, I'm reading it the way it's. I got chastised for saying fat fuck.

Can you guys do this? I know, that's what I was reading and you told her she was wrong. You don't start with the end three lines. Every play you want to make. That's the last three lines. You go start from here, go down, and then it's on this page is the last of it.

You can't be fucking serious i think i was serious i mean i'm not like angry or anything but i thought i was serious because you said read three lines and that's what's on the back then you turned over two pages to go to the other one well because you told me i was reading the wrong thing we're running out of tape Hurry up. I don't know where I'm supposed to start. I'm afraid I'm going to get in trouble for reading this. You're a whipped puppy. Join now with promo code Stan. No, NFL football, NBA playoffs.

I started to do that earlier. Rewind the tape, and I started to do that. And you said no. You did that halfway through the 15 second pre-roll. And when I said NBA playoffs, I thought you were going to chastise me that it's not playoffs. Because you skipped the last three. It's championship now. You skipped the last three lines of the previous pre-roll. These are two separate spots.

You can get a jumpstart on your winning season. I did that beautifully. I fucking did. Play it back. I fucking killedstart on your winning season. I did that beautifully. I fucking did. Play it back. I fucking killed it. Your winning season. This is about you. Remember that?

That was seconds ago. Hands in the air. All right. Now I'm going to come down on this. Now I'm coming down on this, Chaley. Now I'm going to talk to the people that are listening that know I'm talking to them. You know I'm talking to you, person. Non-gendered person.

My bookie and myself are trying to get you a way out of this mess. NFL football, NBA championships, college ball. It's back because you wanted it to be back you thought it I thought it we made it happen on a fucking imagination board what do you call them Tracy

dream fucking board dream catcher yes you put this out or we're all fucking gonna die in a funhouse fire. I'll tell you when I start recording. Wait, hang on. I just realized NFL football, college ball, NBA championships.

These are all going on at the same time. You need more TVs and you need more MyBookie. That's right. Winning season has officially returned at MyBookie and at your doorstep. It's time to celebrate the season with some extra cash in your pocket. Who couldn't use a little bit of extra cash in your pocket? Join now with promo code, what'd you say? Stan Hope and get your first deposit matched dollar for dollar all the way up to $1,000 so you can get a jumpstart on your winning season from Moneyline Spreads.

Do they have teasers? We got teasers racing out of our assholes, motherfucker. Plus seven, plus six and a half i don't care i'm taking it if you love sports or just gambling for the sheer thrill of possibly winning nine dollars and 13 cents after you take the vig off a fucking ten dollar bet. If you love that, then what else are you going to do but my bookie? Plus, it's not too late to get in on the super contest. I don't like contests myself, but I love a super contest. For only $10, you can have a chance to score. Start that with for only a $10 entry.

For only a $10 entry, you can have a chance to score yourself a bigger slice of the pie in the MyBookie Super Contest, which features over $100,000 in cash prizes. And by cash, they do mean credits that you have to fucking one day. But it's like cash. You can imagine cash.

That's right. Piles of fucking fluttering money. Like one of those old phone booths blowing cash around. And you're just grabbing cash at my book. You're grabbing cash. Because you knew that that guy was going to blow out his ACL in the third quarter.

You knew because, yeah, he walked with kind of a gimp at the strip club when you saw him. Everyone has a system, and your system works at my bookie, promo code Stanhope. Should we do Helix now? No, do the fucking last three lines that we argued over. I don't argue.

I explain and you- I take suggestions. We'll start it right there. Every play you- Wait. Go. Every play- What are you-

Are you editing any of this? No, I was talking- It's fucking gold. Hang on. Every play you want to make is waiting at my bookie make your picks win big and collect your cash see do you want that is that what you want no you want to win big at my bookie that's what you want your winning season begins today and only at my bookie you go ahead bet with your friend Shane.

He'll fucking rip you off. He's not gonna pay. MyBookie pays. MyBookie has promo code Stanhope. Go... I almost stepped on fucking Bill Burr's tag. Go fuck yourself. You can't fucking... Soapbird.

What, that's 75 second spots? We're at 8 minutes. Go fuck yourself. You can't fucking own. Go fuck yourself. Soapbird. What? That's 75 second spots? We're at eight minutes. Yeah? Is that better or worse than the previous podcast that we had going in? All right. I'll tone it down for this one. This is where Joby's light shines.

You've got a 15 second at the top there where there's highlight. I know. You highlight like I'm supposed to start. Okay, I'm just going to do what you highlighted. No, no, that's not what the highlight is. The highlight is for the promo code. So it's highlighted. So you know that's where you got to punch on that.

Okay. You got the 15 second and then we're doing a regular commercial read. Big shout out to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You got to put the Stanhope in there if you want to get a leg up on the competition. You want to, yeah, you want a discount?

You want to be recognized in the world? You use whatever you do. Always slash Stanhope. Pornhub slash Stanhope. I don't know if that works. You looked at me like that might be a thing. It's a thing that's not going to be on the spot. For Pete's sake.

Someone else's fucking promo code? All right, you ready? I thought I killed that. Yeah, you did great. You're going to have to edit it anyway. Why don't you just edit that part? There's no fun in this business. Chaley's the substitute teacher that never leaves.

You think you can have fun and throw paper airplanes, but no. He sets your paper airplane on fire. Tells you to do it over. He's about to throw an eraser at your head. I feel strong. I told Todd Glass I loved him, and he said, I love you too, I think. Big shout out today to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz.

All right. I can't do it straight. We already did it. Oh, all right. Oh, my God. All right. So, Joby is here. Joby

got the Helix mattress because Joby is the one who suffers the most from insomnia, bad sleeping. And Joby is on the phone right here. Joby, tell us, update us on the Helix mattress. Hold on.

What am I drinking? Make it unusual. You got to make it sound like a phone call, I guess, now. I'm not sure. Should I say hello? You told me that. Should I start over? Should I say hello?

I'll start over. I'll start over. Let me tell you about my bed. But there needs to be something. Maybe like a... I'll start it over. Hey, Joby's got... Joby got his mattress.

Let's check in with Joby. You don't have to paint... The fact that he's reading. Let me set it up again. Yeah, there you go. That's what I was going to address. Thank you. I got it. This doesn't read like you just rang me up on the phone. Shut it.

How you doing, Joby? I can just be real aggressive. Do you have a really uncomfortable bed? Hang on. Okay. Ready? Okay.

So, Joby, let's do this. Let's start it. You got to say Heal It's Back to us, our sponsor this week. I mean, you got to leave. Oh, so you told me we already have this. I'll start over. No, no. Look, I don't think you understand.

When this says a 15 second right there and I put a line across, that's a pre-roll. That's a separate commercial that runs at the beginning of our podcast. Yeah, then I am very confused. And then this down here is- Okay, then I'll just go. We're going straight Helix. Now we're going to do like a 60 second spot that's going to be nine minutes long probably. No, we're going to start this really fucking-

Also, a huge shout out to Helix Mattress. No, it's not that. It's Helix Sleep. Okay, and also a huge shout out to Helix Sleep. The best mattress for the best night's sleep in the world. And we got our mattress from Helix. We gave it to Joby, our friend who suffers the most from insomnia and has the hardest time sleeping.

So Joby, Joby's not a person who likes to riff. So he wrote down, go ahead, Joby, tell us what you wrote about your helix mattress this is your yelp review go ahead just read you don't have to act do you have a really uncomfortable bed where you lie awake at night staring at the ceiling with crippling insomnia depression and apathy tapping the barrel of a pistol against your head to the beat of the Facts of Life theme song? Well, you're not alone. Helix mattresses are amazing. So amazing, in fact, that when I'm eyebrow deep into my existential crisis, I am far more comfortable than I would

be in my old mattress. Plus, my pistol now taps to the beat of i dream of genie so i call that a win do yourself a favor and go get yourself a helix mattress today it might just change your theme song joey nails it sometimes you have to write it out people and i think that's what you get uh helix sleep uh has a quiz that takes two minutes to complete, not even, and matches your body type and sleep preference to the perfect mattress for you. Everybody's unique, and Helix knows that. So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and firm mattresses, great for cooling you down if you sleep hot,

and even helix mattress for plus size folks plus size hey they get a lot of mattresses i took the helix what i took the helix quiz i studied studied for it. And I matched with the... Oh, come on. What? Sorry, I'm just reading this. I don't know how much of this I'm supposed to read.

We're supposed to make every mention that's bullet point there. But I realize right now that where it says bracket model, you're not going to say bracket model. You need to know the models that they have. All right. I think you should say bracket model. Yeah. I'm hitting it.

Joby took the Helix quiz, and it matched him with the model of mattress that was least suicide-y. And it's working out. Well, you solved that. I'll pull one up. Oh, wait. I think I have the one he picked. But seriously, however you sleep, they can figure it out. You take the quiz.

They know what to send you, how to send it to you. And if it doesn't work out, you have 100 days to send that thing back. So go to uh where are we helixsleep.com slash stanhope take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life until you're dead i need you to go back to the second bullet point on the second page where it says Helix is awesome. Just read that. What? Helix is...

Just say Helix is awesome. I don't know where you're going. No, read that line. Helix is awesome, but you don't have to take my word for it. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of... Oh, alright. Got it. Listen, Helix is awesome, but you don't need to take my word for it, as I am not to be trusted.

You go to Helix. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020. And that is a wide field. That's number one out of a lot. Helix was... was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired magazine. And you know that had to cause a kerfuffle in the fucking writer's room.

Like, we don't want to be looking like we're wired. We're our own thing. GQ already said they're the best. Should we go with a different direction? No. You like Helix the best. It is the best mattress. Don't worry about copying GQ.

More people read Wired than GQ anyway. No one cares about abs anymore. They're all about tech and good sleep. Helix mattress. I want every piece of every part of this ad copy in the fucking podcast. You're high. I'm not high. Just go to helixsleep.com slash stanhope.

Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life until you're dead. Helix is offering up to $200 off all matches, orders, and two free pillows. Free pillows! For our listeners, it's helixsleep.com slash stanhope.