The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #414: A Prank Call with Consequences

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

Doug welcomes Olivia back to the podcast to discuss her personal covid experiences, what she might want him to leave her in his will and to spell ecumenical.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Oct. 6th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Olivia Grace (@oliviadoesbits), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast oh evidently we're starting are we i'm not sure what's going on we started yes okay we're starting by talking about things we can't talk about which is makes an elephant in the room sorry to ruin olivia grace is here with us in the fun house it's a sunny afternoon like it always is in the arizona chad shank is here Chaley's here Chaley he's got a lot of plates spinning he's going on a vacation he has to do this he has to do that

it's a working vacation it's a new life oh my brother's gonna meet us too he's gonna come out to Branson I was very stoked about that. What? Looking forward to it.

Branson? Yeah. You're going to Branson? Yeah. I don't know what you're doing. Andy's doing a tour with Yakov Smirnoff. I have to. I really have to leave here.

Mini tour. It's not like a tour. Well, it's an appearance. It's at Yakov's. It's a tour of the mall. Yeah. At Branson. The Branson Mall with Yakov's.

They're playing in front of the Miller's Outpost. Is that where we buy licorice pizza? Been a while since I've been to a mall. Wherever your COVID is, wherever you've been for so many months you're here with us you're in the fun house just pour a cocktail ignore every fear that you have every angry temptation you want to take out on someone for mask or no mask either side sit down have a cocktail and enjoy an hour or maybe 45 minutes with olivia grace chad shank greg chaley jenny laughing in the background and a fat dog that we don't own sitting here you already said me

Sitting here. You already said me. How's your COVID, people? I'm getting a little squirrely in the guts. I'm getting to a place where I want to get the fuck out. But there's no place I want to go. There's room in the van if you want to go to Branson. No, I don't want to go anywhere with other people. I long for...

We're going to leave each other alone. We're going to be the only ones in Branson and we're going to leave each other the fuck alone. It's going to be great. You're flying there? We're driving there. Yeah, exactly. You have to be in a car. You're going to be alone. We're leaving. There's not going to be a podcast. Rogan called me on one of his...

Rogan is like a tell where we don't talk often, but if I take the call, I know it's going to be an hour at least. Probably two hours. Difference is a tell calls at two in the morning so i'm happy to talk that long rogan said hey will you come out to austin and do my thing a couple months ago the new studio was getting built when he called you yeah yeah once i get it built if i fly out will you come and i said uh, but I'll drive. I'm not getting on a fucking plane. I don't want to ruin the experience of flying that I developed over a fucking career of being fucking diamond medallion, platinum status fucking.

Yeah. I've gone through all the crawl space shit. I have cards from the staff on a delta plane Mr. Stanhope thank you for your fucking thing and I hope you cause I'm fucking great

I don't want to go socially distanced on a fucking delta flight and there's no cocktails I don't know what I don't want to see the downfall shatter your final illusion? Exactly. Mr. Big. Oh, you had a baby and it turned out retarded. I don't want to see

the retarded baby. Just put it back. You are really good at travel. Like at the airport you're like, no, you don't get in line when they call you. You sit at the bar until the line is almost gone.

Yes, that's why we flagged Delta out of Tucson because you're flying out of B1 or B2 and the bar is right there before B3 and you can see, you don't jump up, fucking rookie. Stano likes to hear his name

over the loudspeaker at the bar. People like to hear their names. Doug Stano, we're waiting for you to board. I'm no exception. Please call my name. No new tales to tell. This seems like it would be a fucking Chalice.

Oh, that's... Hang on. Oh, Jesus. Gene loves Jezebel? No. No, it's another... I think it's... Love and Rockets. Love and Rockets.

What the fuck? How do I have this memory when I'm pie-eyed? Like, this is stuff, if you ask me that on a normal morning... That's a band... You've talked about them before.

I was, like, surprised that you even knew who they were. Yeah. No new, all right. It's a good song. Yeah. They lost the whole album. Recorded and just, I think the studio caught fire

or something like that. Morgan Murphy brought up a good point about, and this is why I always plug the Shady Dell, theshadydell.com or at theshadydell, where we've had a few COVID vacations, four minutes down the street. hotels, just like airplanes, it's not going to be the same experience if they don't have a bar open and they don't have... Morgan Murphy is... I can't get into that. But she said, yeah, shared air in hotels. The Shady Dell has, you know, standalone units. You're not fucking breathing in whatever is being piped through the entire hotel. In a courtyard. And she said, well, she's going to have some fucking medical shit done.

And she's like, I can either stay in the lowest rent motel or the highest place that has air that's not shared. And I'm like, what do you mean lowest? Oh yeah, that's right. The motels that we love

have the unit hanging out of the wall. The wall unit, yeah. I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah. But the Shady Dell... Oh, that's you. Wow. I'm a bit high hyper aware no i i'm like i do like do you miss traveling right now do you miss like the act of travel

i miss what it would be like i would be on a plane today if it were safe and normal. Yeah, I've... Not everyone wearing masks and being tense and can you get cocktail service and... Yeah. Yeah. And I miss hotels. I know, I miss hotels too. I stayed at one for the first time since January when we were at the plaza.

I was helping someone who was having surgery and I was staying by the hospital and I found this fucking cool hotel in Tucson. I sent you a picture of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This place is cool. It's like independently owned. It's not a chain or anything.

It's just like it's this it's this new place that just opened up and it has like the layout of like a days in where they're all like these rooms like facing like a courtyard. But it's like all brightly painted and the courtyard is a giant pool with cabanas and a bar. And there was someone at the bar? It was like closed? No, no. Because of COVID? Well, they had just opened.

I was sitting there and I ordered a drink. And I was like, when did you guys open? Is this new? And they were like, oh, we opened in July. And I was like, oof. And then when I said oof and I saw the look on the person's face that I was talking to, I realized they were the owner.

Owner slash bartender. Yeah. Doing well. And so their bar is not open. They don't have like a full bar with like liquor yet, but they're able to make pre-mixed to-go cocktails. Jesus. What is this, Louisiana all of a sudden? That's what they were able to make pre-mixed to go cocktails jesus what is this louisiana all of a sudden that's what they were allowed to do through the drive-thru hey who's driving because i gotta

put a paper on the straw on the driver i was so happy to be staying in a hotel and it was the same thing where like they had like the ac units and stuff on the in the window so i was like oh there's no like ventilation here motel motel yeah it was so cool it was like 99 bucks a night and the person i was helping they were like are you sure you don't mind staying up here and i was like i don't mind staying up here as long as there's a pool bar like this person's like in the hospital like i'm in pain and i'm like but there's cabanas did you get in the pool i never got in the the pool. I had the intent of getting in the pool. I would have bet no. I wore my bathing suit the whole time, and I never went down there.

There was one night where there was kids in the pool, and it was like 930, and I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed. But I kept hearing the kid, you know, like the kid, like, happy scream where it just hurts your ears? Yeah, it's very common in a pool. Yeah. Marco Polo-ish, you know, yelling, and yeah. Yeah, like, they were having so so much fun and I wanted to sleep. While the sun's out. It was like 9.30 p.m.

Oh, okay. All right. It was between the time of like, when is this going to end? I just imagine some kid having their special day. Like, we'll rent a hotel and you guys can have a pool party because we don't have a pool and they're running around at like 2pm and Olivia's like god damn these fucking kids Olivia's watching the clock for 10 so she

can call the front desk isn't the pool supposed to be closed at 10? No what I did was at like 940 at 940 I called the front desk and I was like she didn't even wait At 9.40, I called the front desk and I was like... She didn't even wait.

I was like, what time does the pool close? She's like, it's going to be open until about 10 o'clock. And I was like, good, because those kids are driving me fucking crazy. And she went, it'll all be over soon. She gets it. Shaylee, were you with us? we were at the our airport hotel

the Sheraton four points at the Tucson airport I got my money back because they had a Mexican wedding yes you were there?

we were on the balcony yeah and there was literally like social distancing not this is years ago before but there was not fucking 18 inches between everyone in the pool from a wedding so they're like half of them are wearing their fucking t-shirts and their pants from the rental like every inch of this

giant fucking pool and screaming and yelling I'm like you're really gonna make me pay for this? It's louder on the second level too when you're above a pool. Certainly. Jaylee and I in our fucking

in our swim gear with a towel over our shoulder going, oh, we can't go in that room. It was a soccer field full of a Mexican wedding screaming. I knew that was what you were going to bring up too. I didn't. I knew that was what you were going to bring up too. We accidentally found out that the best time if you want to hang out at the pool is to go when they're having a Comic-Con type convention because none of those motherfuckers get in the pool. The pool was, we're floating around the lazy river.

You do have to occasionally watch a guy dress like the devil moping by. But other than that, the pool is pretty clear. The Raiders lost. The Raiders lost. I'm just coming back from the tailgate. Yeah, pools don't really mix with most kinds of cosplay.

I do have to retract a statement. 40 pounds of costume on. They don't want to fucking take it off and hot take a dip. And all that work. It's over. You can't go to the next day. If you got a three day pass and you go in the pool the first day. They don't want to take their shirts off.

That was the double tree. Was not the four points. It was the double tree. In her pool. Sorry, I didn't want to shit on her. Across the street. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't want to shit on the fucking... Sorry, other favorite. It was the one with the sweets on the second level.

Yeah. Double tree, yeah. Sorry, I just shit on the four points. I feel so fucking awkward in life. I want to go back. I want to go back to all that stuff. I want to go back to first class. I want to go back I want to go back to all that stuff

I want to go back to first class I want to go back to oh oh to first class yeah travel yeah when do you

how long do you think because you since this started you have been the queerest of covid you mean like the most concerned yeah yeah if you go back the queerest of COVID.

You mean like the most concerned? Yeah. He has an odd choice of word. I agree. That was weird. COVID queer. We licked her doorknob and we thought it was funny. You gotta bring that up.

That was early on and we were all ignorant. Yeah, but it's the same length of time. We've been sitting here for seven months. So yeah, we were sitting here when we decided to go lick her doorknob. And then we're still sitting here. So there's no passage of time and no more door knobs doorknobs licked that was the only one yeah we did not like any more

doorknobs because you gave us what for uh we felt bad yeah i know you guys i know you guys felt bad i was like i told doug last night i think i only held it against you for what like a day oh i was gonna say a month would be enough but really not more than a month okay you did move from that place i did move but that was because i never used the front door again no she was very upset and i give you that i said that she moved out of here while we were on the road because we were... Did you say that on a podcast that I moved out of here because you were going to bring the vid back from Seattle? Oh, no, no, no.

You totally did, though, because there's something like that. Yeah, I did say that. I thought that. Because you're a fucking nice person that doesn't want to cause any ripples in the water and you would say oh i just i i hated your free guest house so i moved down the road for money it has nothing to do with covid that i saw coming which i still have what 42 rolls she gave me a she left me when i came home into and god i wish there was a reason to start quarantine over because after all these fucking people coming over i'm like i loved alone time

where everyone was afraid of me as a fucking typhoid mary coming back from seattle yeah super hot you came in super hot. And there was never even a question. It would be interesting to see if you came in super hot at opening weekend of football. But fucking Olivia Grace. I remember you tried it for a while because you were under quarantine. And then you're like, I'm extending my quarantine. You did it a couple of times. And I'm like, I don't think you can do that until football.

But Olivia Grace started COVID like she was from Wuhan and so when I came back from the road she'd already moved to a different location and left me a box

of 96 rolls of toilet paper. And I still have 42. Great gift at the beginning of COVID. Seven months later, that's how economically I wipe. I still have 42 rolls of that giant. Like, it was too heavy to move where she left it. I'm like, I try to pick it up. I'm like, it's too heavy.

Fuck it. It was a box that Safeway would get to stock their shelves. I'm just picturing a pallet in the living room of toilet poo it's a pretty big box it's like three feet by three feet or something

so you could only get one box on a pallet because it would be too skinny on either side yeah I know that I I would take

psyllium husk and if you like giant dumps take psyllium husk drink a lot you like giant dumps, take psyllium husk. Drink a lot of water. Take more than they say you should, and you just chuck out logs. I'm saying like Lincoln, where you could cut out notches and build a little fort out of your poops. a toy house for the kids.

Out of your poops. That's how much like I want to shit until I can move that box of toilet paper into a bathroom where it belongs. Like the blob, it comes out of the bathroom and it just keeps moving towards

I don't know. This is a weird video. I shit enough where it was not too heavy to lift go ahead this whole time shitting and then running out of toilet paper do you ever weigh yourself do you ever

weigh yourself before and after you shit scales aren't that sensitive yes they are mine is I pee about a pound. I can verify. You pee a lot. And I think your pee is dense.

I mean, water's dense. It's eight pounds a gallon. Yeah. And you've peed a gallon and a half, I think, before? No. Oh, at least. I wanted to run a running time clock in the corner when he got up in the morning after not peeing during the gig and then came home and still didn't pee.

And in the morning he gets up and I'm like, he's still going. Oh, we had that thing the other night where you peed like four times. Seven times during that was during one of those happy hour things. And I didn't pee and then i had to sleep that was when we did the uk one we had to start drinking at 9 a.m and i drank the four hours and then then kenny took over for me it's pretty funny yeah it was good i hung around as long as i could five and five hours hours and 25 minutes was the total run time. I passed out about a half hour, 45 minutes after Kenny took over.

I had to go in and take a nap. I was pretty fucking drunk. Yeah, it was a good one, though. What are you going to do with the rest of your life, Olivia? You're still only like 20 years old. What should I do? I don't know. Do you worry about it?

Because we don't talk much since you've been shut down up there in old Bisbee. Do you? Because we keep pushing the show. But other than that, like, what are you going to do with your life? You're a child. I know that me and Chaley and Chad are going to die in a blaze of fire. Clearly, our lives are over. Soon.

Soon. And Jenny can't take care of everyone. She's got grandchildren. A lot of them. So what are you going to do without us? Are you guys really all winding down, you it's not by choice yeah it's father time what can we leave to you in our wills that will support you in your blossoming life in In your wills. I like your cars. You're so materialistic.

That's what I've always hated about you. She's still holding on to that Jeep. That's the thing. She's got to get rid of that Jeep. Everybody in the neighborhood who are already driving Stanhope's cars are just going to keep those cars if he dies. They're not going to give them back.

Yeah. That's okay. I mean, I thought we were going materialistic. I didn't know we were going deep emotional. It did sound like a possession. You could have went either way. Yeah, cars was a good choice. I mean, you could leave me

like a bear with a little recorded message. Doable. I'll do it right now. Olivia, if you're hearing this, I am dead. Someone let in awesome. He's at the door. See, that's always me, Olivia. Always trying to be the gracious host, even to dogs.

But what I want you to know is I always loved you. I always thought you were a brilliant comedian. And you should... Yeah, let's not have a lot of space. Come on, you can do it. There's only a little bit of time on the recording in those boxes. He's stalling.

Yeah. He's stalling still the time. Am I a hologram? Am I editing this? No, am I a hologram or not? Because I was going to pull my dick out, but if it's not a hologram and this is audio only. No, it'd be a weird bear dick. A teddy bear dick.

You missed out on this, honey. Ta-da. See, again, I was talking about earlier Olivia's process that was yeah that was good that was a whole you touched on a lot of things are you trying to get me cancelled

I never touched you inappropriately it was always consensual alright let's hey is this 45 minutes yet what two wait there's no break

this is evergreen that's not what evergreen means Hey, is this 45 minutes yet? What? Two? There's no break. This is evergreen. That's not what evergreen means. Evergreen means... First of all, during an evergreen, we never say evergreen. Because it just goes out while we're in Branson. Yeah. Yes, let's take a break. We're at the 20-minute mark.

We have to constantly lie under Kaylee's orders. Fourth wall. Fourth wall broken. Every time. I'm trying to talk to my friends out there. My only friends are the people I don't know that listen to this. And you try to ruin that friendship all the time. Yeah, Olivia. Everybody out

there. I didn't mean to get in between you and your people. Your thing. You're going to need more teddy bears. I guess I have to take a break because that's how the powers that be command me. We'll be right back after I get a talking to and a tongue lashing from Greg Chaley. Please hold. TheShadyDell.com That is where you stay. If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at The Shady Dell

and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at theshadydell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there,

come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. No, I won't. I won't. We're back. You don't deserve it.

I don't want to hear it. This is more important. Oh, you don't want to fucking admit that you can't sing Barbra Streisand as well as I can. Also, I didn't know what song you were singing, and I thought you were singing the Love Boat theme. Yeah, I thought you got it wrong. And now the Love Boat theme is stuck in my head. I have issues. Love, exciting and new.

See, that's what I thought it was, too. And I'm like, am I dying? No, I'm not doing that. It's fucking Love Precious is Morning Air. It's fucking Barbra Streisand. I bet she didn't sing it

like the beginning of the Love Boat scene. to the melody of a Burt Bacharach. Yeah. I used to imagine Lisa Sansui coming up my street

on a bicycle and I could fucking court her. I was a kid and Love Ageless and Evergreen by Barbra Streisand would be playing in my head because I was a kid and Love Ageless and Evergreen by Barbra Streisand would be playing in my head because I was a mama's boy.

What happened to her? I don't know. I turned into a faggot. I'm gay. I'm fucking obviously gay, so I can say that. No one disputed it. I don't know why you keep saying it. I know.

He's very defensive about his sexual orientation. The point is, people will call me out for saying the word faggot You keep saying it. I know. He's very defensive about his sexual orientation. He's so used to, I guess. The point is, people will call me out for saying the word faggot when I own that word. I've had to fucking readdress my own situation and go, I know all the words to Evergreen, so there's no way that I'm not homosexual. I hate Barbra Streisand and that fucking ugly cunt the fucking other one. The fucking

you know that Barbra Stanwyck? Beaches. Beaches lady. Peaches and herb? No, Beaches, the movie. Oh, yeah. Bette Midler. Bette Midler. I hate everything about homosexuality except my longing for it.

He had me right there until the end. I was like, oh, wow. Where's this going? It just dumped off. How can you suck a dick and have Bette Midler on the same TV in the room? I'm against it. Talent. Talent.

Works both ways. You take it from here. Yeah. That's not how your podcast goes, Doug. This is the fucking Olivia Grace podcast. This kid's got a future we've already discussed this we're about to die she's a child and she has to learn from us and we're gonna all be dead in the

fucking funhouse fire she's already planning on taking your cars and she wants a teddy bear yeah that's all she wants with a recorded message yeah the message is like a huge part of the teddy bear i hope that didn't get lost on anybody. That's what's going to be fetched the most on eBay. Oh, yeah. Oh, no! Good idea. Chad is

always at the top of the curve. What you do. She has a tattoo. Olivia Grace has a tattoo of a quote of mine with my signature that she had tattooed on her fucking spill belly there. Fucking coming out. There it is.

Show it. Show it to the crowd. It's not coming out, is it? There's no crowd. It's Jenny. I mean. And she's way over there. You're not no one.

I'm sorry. Point being. It's not a crowd, though. We can cut that tattoo off of her. Oh. If we kill... Oh, lampshade. I don't want to get banned from Twitter, but if we kill Olivia Grace, as she's always secretly hoped for, and we cut that tattoo off, we could sell that on eBay.

Her tattoo. We're going to have to... It's my signature tattoo you can't sell body parts on eBay we're going to have to find a different venue but we can sell it we'll sell it like Andy Tell's t-shirt Venmo

got it what's your idea we make it Joby we make that into jerky we cut off the tattoo Joby makes it into jerky. We cut off the tattoo. Joby makes it into jerky. We sell it on eBay.

All of a sudden, we've all killed ourselves, but Stanhope tattoo jerky becomes this fucking phenom like Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I just think that there's more dairy in the world than there is people with your autograph tattooed under their skin. You know what I mean? Like, if you want to go with Ben and Jerry's route.

I'm just spitballing here. But if we already have access to the first tattoo, couldn't we just tattoo a lot of your signatures all over Olivia Grace and then cut off each one and make a limited run? I mean, why are we just going to use the one? I like that idea a lot better. I'm afraid, but I respect the business sense. Christine Levine has just moved into the neighborhood. There's another one.

I think she has more. A lot of tattoo space. A lot of tattoo space. Yeah. She has. Yeah. Now you're thinking Stan Hope. Stan Hope tattoo jerky.

I mean, it has to be. This has to be scalable. Or there's. What's the point in doing it? It would be like. Like you said. You can't even get close to Ben and Jerry's numbers unless you have a ready supply of skin to jerky. Thank you.

You guys got to get the cows. Well, we're starting. For the listener. There you go. There you go. What happened was, you know when a child hits the corner of a coffee table and you wait for that pause for the scream of, ah! Olivia was just laughing at herself, but she did it with an open mouth. So I waited for her to finally laugh.

She went, ah! open mouth so I waited for her to finally laugh she went my eyes out of my head none of this look at how long Stanhope's mohawk is and then imagine that all over his head

that long I've never seen him with hair that long that's the longest I've seen him with hair even though there's a tiny bit of it yeah it doesn't sit down either it just stands up are you washing it? I did one time

I pomaded it over to the side no I'm not washing it? I did one time. I pomaded it over to the side. No, I'm not washing it. Oh, okay. Trumped it over. You had a mohawk come over? Oh, actually, I split it. I did the thing.

Nice. Yeah, I should do that again. Party hair. Yeah, which is little rascals. Alfalfa. Alfalfa. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I fact-checked with my friend Chaley. Are we friends? I'm scared. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. You got to fix it now. Now you fucked up your mohawk. I don't know what it looks like.

Jesus. That's all you had to do. That's all you had to do. It kind of went cattywampus on the side there. I love cattywampus. You know what I found going through the crawl space was a list that Chaley printed off of words of the day from my 30 days in the hole. And I kept that. I'm just chucking out anything I can get rid of.

Was it like all of them? Like at the end? Yeah. It was a whole 30 days. Yeah. With two days missing where we didn't do it. But just the idea that you kept such copious notes. Chaley is the unsung hero of people I hate on this podcast.

This is the antithesis to the last podcast. The antithesis. The opposite of the last one. Oh. I didn't know if that was a word of the day uh yeah it was the 15th day 16 days do you guys want to talk behind my back i'm gonna go get that list and i'm gonna see if you know what the fucking words mean about that see here's a fucking spontaneous twist to a podcast yeah I'm gonna go get it you guys Olivia yeah we're on break got it humor the boys

like Bette Midler would if they were all on fucking on HBO what's the fucking thing Bob Hope did USO tour yeah USO humor the boys. Here's her tits again.

Woo. Hey guys. Talk about your tits. Do you... Explain them. It's a phone text. Explain them. I don't know if there's much to explain. They're pretty straightforward.

That's a pretty interesting take, is to explain your breasts to us. Explain. Explain your own body part. Not describe them. Not even measure. Do us a favor. Apologize for your tits. Explain.

Explain that. Isologize for your tits. Explain. Explain that. Is he yelling for me? I think he might have just been flipping me off. Might have heard me talking shit. He does get a manic thing where he starts cleaning, which is good. But it's never done. He just, just now all the boxes are, they were down below or no one could see him now they're all in the house so it's really just a shell game but yeah it's getting there he's going crazy

i uh i can see it does he seem a little more nervous this time around i feel like he's fast and loose that's the edibles i think He's got seven conversations going on in his head at once. We get sometimes the good one. Sometimes we just get what's going on, passing his lips at that moment. Fair enough. All right. Yeah. That's cool.

He hasn't changed out of that outfit in a week. Why would he? Well, but every day the shirt's clean. That's really weird. Yeah, it's fucking clean because they don't spill shit on it because they don't do stuff. Let's talk, Olivia.

Yeah. Because I kept yelling Chad and he didn't respond. We heard you. By the way, Olivia, great explanation of your tits. I'm glad that I he didn't respond. We heard you. By the way, Olivia, great explanation of your tits. I'm glad that I could clear it up. I really... Succinct.

I have never heard tits explained in a way like that. I see tits in a new light, really. What I was going to suggest is if you go through your channels, if you have the pay TV, the HBOs, and you hit the info button, what the movie's about, that's what I was going to say. Why would we watch your tits on Showtime? This is a story.

Oh, you wanted the log line of my tits. Is that what it's called? Log line? Like the log line of my tits. Is that what it's called? Like an elevator pitch of your tits. Areolas are seen in a different light. We've all... Man, this is hard, man. I never thought about that in an existential way.

Oh, I thought we... Okay, I thought we changed the premise of the... No, we had in Buffalo, but then you started talking again. Because what you could have said was bromide. Bromide. That was one of our words of the... What day? That was...

Well, the first four days there was none. Yeah. So day eight of tin can rehab. Bromide. Bromide. Isn't that what you can put that in your jacuzzi if you don't want to use chlorine? It has bromine.

Oh, okay. That might be it. Knocks down the air. I'm wrong. I was going to mention a neighbor's jacuzzi. That wouldn't help you. It said, bromide is a tired saying cliche without thought. Bromagem.

What? Bromagem. Bromide. V-R-O-M-I-D-E. Bromide. Use it in a sentence. Oh, okay. Yeah, we'll do spelling bee.

No. No, Chad, you just started spelling bee. No. Yeah, Chad's good. Okay. All right. Okay. Greg Chaley.

Third grader out of fucking... I just did one. Oh, I thought I had to spell Greg Kaylee. No, you started it, but you didn't get it right. I don't know. Wait, I didn't get bromide right? I don't know if a spelling bee is going to be very interesting to the listener. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious.

Everything we're doing is hilarious. You've got to fucking just... I'm with you then. I'm on board. Mendicants. Oh, board. Mendicants. Oh, man. Mendicant. Can you use it in a sentence, please?

Country of origin. Cave Maggie. Cave Maggie. A mendicant. That's not a sentence, by the way. That's a statement. That's just saying someone's name. No, you have to use it in a sentence. No, that's not how spelling these are a fucking hint that's not how god damn it

shaley asked for it in a sentence and stanhope responded with country of orange and then cave maggie like he's seen a spelling bee one time but just change the channel real quick. Like right with, yeah. He doesn't know the context. Oh, all right. You know what? If you guys aren't going to play on my level. M-E-N-D-I-C-A-N-T, mendicant. Yeah. What does it mean?

That's not how a spelling bee goes. I don't know what spelling bees are. I don't go to college. All right. Olivia Grace. Ecumenical. Sweet. Ecumenical?

It's not up your butt. I know. Can you use it in a sentence? Yeah. Country of origin. The fact that your butt blows loaves of hot blood is ecumenical. Oh. Well, that sounds like a bad thing.

Something universal, general, or worldwide. Everyone knows you blow hot loaves of chunky blood out of your butthole. It's ecumenical. Okay. E-C. That's clearly not how it works. I don't know about those other things, but you can't spell it to the person trying to spell it. That's completely wrong.

Yeah. Can you spell the word, please? You're being contumacious. You're being very contumacious. Can you spell contumacious, please? Contumacious is spelled C-O-N-T-E-M-A-T-E No, you said E.

You're wrong. Fuck you, Chad Shank. You thought you were a tough guy until now. That was the hard one. You stink it, Contimentious. You're looking at it

and can't spell it. It's being disobedient, which is what you and Chaley and Olivia Grace are all being to me. Sorry, are you going to do ecumenical? Ecumenical.

E-C-U-M-E-N-I-C-A-L? Ecumenical? Yes, you got it right. Oh, my God. I didn't even have a paper in front of me. I'd still have to check that. I think I'm going to. That's how I would have spelled it.

That's pretty good. It sounds like she just threw the A-I-C-A-L at you. How about I do this? It's good. You got it. Thank you. Wow. It's been an honor.

This is Chad's word. I'm too drunk to do this. I failed my word. What? No, you didn't. Oh. No, she had to do ecumenical. Oh.

All right. I'm going to use this word in two sentences, and you tell me which sentence is wrong. Shut up. Are we doing homeschooling? Okay. You'll get a pudding pop if you get this right, Chad. I'll tell you where the comments go. How many I's are in this word?

Olivia Grace. Her last comment was a recrement. Or Olivia Grace likes to get. Recrement all over your penis after anal sex. Recrement. R-E-C. R-E-M-E-N-T. Recrement.

Yeah. All right. Grab the paper. Olivia, grab the paper. It's the worthless part of anything. Get things away from me. No, give Doug a word. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Some of these I don't even know how to pronounce. Yeah. That's what made me smarter. Those are hard. They were good words. That was fun. Okay.

Here's one for you. Can you spell... No one's seen a spelling bee. The point of it is, can you spell it? I thought that was the right question. It doesn't matter. It's all right. There's a form.

Jenny's the only person who gets this entire podcast. Cool. Yeah, I'm missing... I'm sorry, I missed my flair. Can you spell? Pociloquent. No.

Wait. No? Hold on. Do you want a different one? Hold on. I think it's time for you to take a break. Pociloquent. Pociloquent. Yeah, but I remember loving that one. He did pick all these words I see Okay do you want an easier one?

Pociloquint Go to a more difficult one Go to a more difficult one Okay Yeah that pociloquent is Lacking for words Using few words It's kind of like tacit.

Concise in speech. You know the definition, but can you spell it? Did I just throw down a fucking thesaurus.com of persiloquent? Five letter word? Yeah. You put an R in there when there's not an R. It's still good.

Hang on, I'm Morgan Murphy. I'm going to go to my texts. Alright, I'm good. Hang on. I'm Morgan Murphy. I'm going to go to my texts. All right. I'm good. Spell P-S-I-L-I-Q-U-I-N. What? You can't spell it. No, I can't spell it. No. P-S-I-L-I-Q-U-I-N.

No, no. I said go to a different word. Oh, okay. Okay. That was one I remember. This one right here, number 10, I saw. You can see through the back. No, you can't. Yeah. Specifically pick one of these ones at I saw. You can see through the back.

Specifically pick one of these ones at the top that I can see through. You know all of them. I'm doing the opposite of cheating. You picked all those words. Everyone hates me. Do you want to spell breviary? What? Breviary.

Breviary? No, because I don't have back teeth so anything with a brr like brr gulch i yeah it's sucked up in my fucking cheeks okay well we don't want that brr gulch brr gulch brr brr

yeah well that's that's hard we don't want to hurt anyone um can you spell can you spell gadfly? Stop. Go, go, go. Here, I'll give you one. You pick the word you have to spell. You pick your own word to spell.

Bromogen. Bromogen. I remember that one. I don't know what it means. I only just read it. Yeah, a bromogen is something that's a conundrum. What's the origin? Looks good, but performs poorly.

I'm curious to see if you can spell it because you said it wrong even though you read it. Hang on, hang on. Hang on, hang on. Brumagen. Nope. The listener, what you just said, the listener is going to answer with this stupid dick joke.

So, go ahead. Bromogen means what? It looks good, but performs poorly. And now we leave a pause for the listener to yell at your speaker. Looks good, but performs poorly. This is how you start doing stand-up comedy. What did you say, listener? Hand at my ear.

Hilarious. Hilarious. Looks good, but performs poorly. I've never seen somebody bullshit their way out of spelling their word at the spelling table. The one that he looked at and picked. That was pretty good. And said incorrectly three times. somebody bullshit their way out of spelling their word at the spelling bee. That was pretty good.

And said incorrectly three times. I looked at it. Spell it. Brum-a-gin. Oh, okay. Thank you. Next. I didn't say pronounce it slowly and incorrectly. How funny would that be at a spelling bee?

Brum-a-gin. Yeah. Obvious. correctly. How funny would that be if he had a spelling bee in his mouth? Jim. Obvious. You get extra points if you spell it without any letters. Or use fewer letters. And it ends with an M. Not an N. We can figure it out from there. Pedophagory. And there's no kid in that

there's no kid it's not about pedophagy yeah it's with two t's and not a d so you think pedophagy not peda petty pedophagy oh my god

this is pedophagy when you tear gas kids Oh my god This is Petafoggery When you tear gas kids Fucking kid in the fog In the fog I don't know It's fucking dishonesty It's trickery

Losing the kid in the fog Bumptious Bumptious Bumptious? Yeah Overbearing or crudely assertive Impertinent They put impertinent As another word for They is you Doug Yeah, overbearing or crudely assertive. Impertinent.

They put impertinent as another word for- They is you, Doug. You came up with that list. Yeah, but I fucking, I didn't- This isn't- I'm not fucking Funk or Wagnall, asshole. I just- He's Webster. Don't you forget it.

More Miriam. Oh, post-siloquent. More Miriam. Oh, Posse-Siloquent. There you go. Yeah. I had to fucking stultify. Hey, stultify, when we ever do the Q&A on my book, when the hard copy comes out, I want the listener to go, oh, that he definitely looked up on thesource.com.

Because I use big words and I treat them right. But I didn't know that. I didn't sit down and go, oh, it's stultifying. Stultifying. Find that. I know where it is. I know where stultifying is in my book. It's about a whore I brought

to Johnny Depp's house. And I used stultify to clean up the story. It was a terrible, terrible event. He doesn't call me back. That's probably why. Yep. Alright.

What? I thought you were having a party with this spelling bee. That's your idea. I don't. I had to go piss. Oh, is that what that was? No, I had to go find that. I thought you'd kill some time.

We did. We found out all about the explanation explanation of uh olivia's tits hey uh are you gonna do explanation yeah usually i want you to actually apologize on the air for your tits we already we already did explain them yeah that was the joke we did so hey uh doug are you gonna do a 30 days in the hole are you you going to do something like that for October? No, no, no. I know Bert's doing his thing. Here's my situation. The night before Thanksgiving 1980 is when I started drinking and smoking. So that would be Thanksgiving through.

Actually, Valentina came up with the fucking uh uh uh 40 for 40 because it would be my 40 year anniversary of smoking and drinking so do instead of 30 for 30 do 40 for 40 and carry it through new year's do you remember how tough it was getting through the 30? You want to add 10 on top of that? No, no. It's easy. It's a simple fucking process. Okay. Yeah.

What happened last time? Last time? Which time? On the 28 days, it was just, yeah, we took a break for two days. I don't know if the chalice are even gonna be here i think honestly the chalice are leaving town for good they're going oh we're gonna go to this little party in the desert up in california they're not coming back jen's not coming back she's obviously upset about fucking local candidates no one one's going to be with me. Because she asked you if you wanted your yard sign back?

She was crying. Oh, I didn't hear that part. Oh, you weren't here? No. Oh, yeah. I stay out of local drama. That's the only time it's important to vote. I did not call the mayor to ask him to call, Kenny.

That's from that. The old mayor. The outgoing. He's still. Outgoing. He's a lame duck. Well. That's what I call him.

I'm going to bed. So you are planning to do another, what you just said, a 40 for 40 win? Well, I was going to do Sober October. But then I go, that's so close to... I have a legitimate 40 years. I know the day I started drinking and smoking. The big kids let me hang out with them. What do you want to drink?

Tatnick's? Tatnick's Square. Reuniti red wine because it looked like it tasted like. It was advertised a lot. Yes. Reuniti on ice. So nice. It tastes nice.

Something. And they got me white wine, but I drank almost the whole bottle. And then I smoked. I remember smoking a Marlboro Red in the alley behind the fucking hardware store and getting that head rush and having to lean back into the brick wall going, oh, I think I'm going to fall down. I get a head rush from a cigarette and I'm drunk.

And then I try to make Kelly Coyne of parents think that i fucked her in a van at holiday pizza why would you convince someone's parents well i knew it was kelly coins parents and her big brother at holiday pizza in tatnick square and i just started this loud conversation about fucking Kelly Coyne in a van. It was like a prank call with consequences. Yeah. And then they called my dad, who had company over for Thanksgiving Eve. And I walked in shit-faced. Couldn't fucking.

My knees are touching each other at every angle. And I got a phone call. He was easy to push over. Guy. Yeah. Hey, Guy. Hey, Guy. I got a phone call from one of your school chums.

Their parents said you. He's dead now. So that's what you get. Don't try to fucking corral your kids in a decent... Because then you'll just die of colon cancer. So is it your van? All right, well, now we have to edit this. Because you just said something incongruous. Is incongruous on my list of words? It should be.

Spell it. It should be. Doug, what's the origin? Nope. I think congruous. In is Latin for not. Or where you sleep. And congruous is not congruous.

I have to go. Listen. That's a good plan. The listeners have done nothing but ruin me. Your Patreon does nothing but support habits that I don't want to continue. I hope all of... I think this is that song. I hope we die. End of the world? I hope we both die I think this is that song. I hope we die.

End of the world? I hope we both die. Oh, the goats. Mountain goats. Yeah, mountain goats. Mountain goats. Yeah, sorry. I think I...

Yeah, everything you do to support this podcast is to no end. I'm not going to the desert. That's a weird message. I wasn't invited. Lie. Everyone else is. Lie. Would you go if you were invited? No. Lie. Everyone else is. Lie. Would you go

if you were invited? No. And we're going to Branson. You have to tell me this Branson thing off the air. Because I don't know anything about Branson.

Yeah, that's where we're going. All right. I'm fucking leaving too. Henry's fine. Yeah. Yeah. He knows how to open the bag fuck

yeah if we ever get out of here gonna give it all the way to a registered charity all I need is a pint today if we ever get out of here if we ever get out of here what song is that?

ah fuck who is that? Oh, fuck. Who is it? The Beatles. No. Yeah. Close. Swings. But yeah.

Oh. Good job. I win. In a weird spelling bee way, you win. Take us out, bingo. 12, 12, 12. Okay, bye-bye now. take us out bingo 12 12 12 ok bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.