The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #416: Wait, Junior Stopka is Where?

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Doug opens the compound gates for Junior Stopka bearing a welcome pie. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Oct. 30th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Junior Stopka (@Juniorstopka), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast did you uh contact chad did you want him to uh he's just texted me when we start I'll tell you. Oh. We started. It's the podcast. Chaley was just asking where Chad was. We should invite him, at least by Zoom. And this is the text I just got from him. Had to go to Tucson to get my egg hatched. Holy fuck, that hurt. Yeah, his purple mud bunion on his taint he had to uh dr pimple pop it each each of the two procedures

there was one of two things they were going to do the second one was worse than the first and then you know they're both horrible one was to lance it no to pierce it and then express the fluid it's through a syringe that's what so so that's right in the taint right oh imagine they take the lady stirrups and they turn them 90 degrees they're like the one where the guy has a giant zit on his back and they pop it and they just keep coming out. Yeah, but this is between your balls and anus. And the other one is, buckle up, boys. A tube goes down the urethra. That's the pee-pee hole.

And it expresses it through the- From the inside. From the inside. I think I'd go number two. The call's coming from inside the urethra. Yeah, I think I'd go number two. No way. Yeah. No. Either way, there I'd go number two. No way. Yeah.

No. Either way, I would show up drunk enough that I wouldn't feel a fucking thing. Well, I'd like to watch it. Either way. That's the one thing. Oh, Junior Stopka's here.

Junior Stopka showed up out of the blue completely unannounced as far as my side of the story goes. I said drunkenly a week ago I was going to bring you a pie, and I did, which I ate drunkenly. Well, did you actually talk to me? Yeah. I was really drunk.

Because I usually only take your phone calls when I'm drunk, because you- Oh, yeah. You make drunk promises, and you never keep them. So this is the one time that actually happened. You're two hours ahead, so you call me when I'm drunk, and I know you're way drunker. That's true. And so when you were texting me saying that you were just down the road, I thought you were funking with me. I can funk with the best of people, I guess.

It's a pleasure to see your beautiful cherubic face. I love your fancy hairdo. It's all fluffed up and beautiful. My hair is pretty too right now. Take it down. Yeah. You've washed up. Yeah.

You shaved your face. We both shaved our faces. Yeah. I cleaned my armpits. Yeah. We've both been exercising. I climbed a mountain with your friend Clark. I played basketball with Castle Rock. I went for a run. I went for mountain with your friend Clark. I played basketball, Castle Rock.

And went for a run. And went for a run, same day. Good Christ, who'd have guessed a few years ago that when we're riding around in a van with Carlos Valencia and Greg Chaley, that we turn into fucking... Health nuts? Not just health

nuts, but... It is weird seeing how many different types of bread there are here in this house. There's like 12 different kinds of bread. Keto bread and vegan bread. This bread wasn't murdered at all by anybody, bread. It's none of that, but it's all a discount bakery bread. Now that I'm going back to Safeway, I hit the discount meats a little bit, but I don't know if they've got discount bacon.

I just found a thing. I'm like, what is that in the freezer? Because I'm checking for ice in the little house. I go, what is that? It's like a whole sleeve of bagels and it's like 99 cents priced for movement or whatever. It's just like, get them

out of here. Yeah, well, I thought we got fresh bagels. Well, we did originally. Yeah, but once they stopped moving, I just keep putting out the frozen ones. All right. That makes sense. Yeah, and then pour out. By the way, this freezer, I don't know if you've noticed,

check those waffles in there. This freezer just somehow barely keeps water. Yeah, there's ice. But then turn it colder. There's not a thing in the... It's down below in the... Right here. Yeah.

Oh, all right. Thank you. There we go. It's frozen waffles. It was behind the waffle. I don't know. Just have them in here for football Sunday. Who eats frozen waffles?

I do occasionally. I, sir, enjoy a blueberry Eggo ice cream sandwich. Oh, there you go. I have in the other freezer, they're not out here yet because of the freezer problem, I have eggnog flavored ice cream sandwiches. But the fucking waffle doesn't matter, Junior. It does. No, it doesn't.

It's like vodka. It's the mixer that counts. So you have fresh berries on a frozen waffle. Now you're talking business. Or you make a berry compote. Or maybe a Bananas Foster. There you go. It doesn't matter.

It's just a fucking, it's like a baked potato. It is easy i could make i could probably make a waffle like whip it together because you get this there's a mix called kodiak cakes which is so fucking good they sell it everywhere and it's just one-to-one water and mix and it's so fast it's just it takes longer to actually cook if you have a waffle iron waffles are disgusting what oh you you object to waffles i object to it's just the shit you put on it when i get a sugar craving it is bread it's just bread for ice cream and i don't like them fucking maple syrup actual maple syrup i like the shitty sugary shit if i'm gonna go down that path i'm going down hard wait what's happening to America? What?

That's why I came down here before the rivers of blood start flowing. We can talk about ice cream sandwiches instead of war. You're in the right spot. That's my day. I load it up because it's Friday. I load up on the discount bakery products for Sunday morning because they don't put them out on Saturday. Is Friday the last day for bakery deliveries or something? Well, they put them out every day except for Saturday. Like, Saturday's the day I want them, and they haven't been doing it lately.

Maybe you should check them around back on Saturday. But they're still fine. Those fucking brownies I got there, I even ate them. I don't eat any of this shit for the most part. I just put it out for the old folks for Sunday brunch. Yeah, you're more of a nibbler. Yeah. But so I got all this shit today, all these sweets and stuff, for the old folks for Sunday brunch. Yeah, you're more of a nibbler. Yeah.

But so I got all this shit today, all these sweets and stuff. And then Andrew comes over and he comes in and he goes, hey, I just stopped by to drop you off some fresh baked cookies. And as he says it, he looks down at this stack of boxes of cookies and cakes and donuts.

Festive frosting designs. Yeah, just set it on the pile. Slices frosting designs. Just set it on the pile. Slices of blueberry pie. Set it on the pile, Andrew. They were good if Andrew's listening. It looked like a wedding gift table. It's overflowing. Just set it down there.

I got you a blender for your wedding. Oh, I just see your stack of blenders. Oh, I just see your stack of blenders. So this morning, the fucking dog's still out of control for most of the time. Henry Phillips? What's wrong with Henry Phillips? Every time I say I'm going to keep Barnabas a dozen times a day, the one time I think, I'm not trading him for meat wig.

I want meat wig back. But once this dog is healed up from his fucking nut slice and I can sell him in mint condition on the market. Not literally sell him, but start shopping him out. Whoring him out. Like an escort service? No, like more of an arranged marriage. He's a puppy

Rottweiler that looks like a full-size Rottweiler right now. Do I give the dowry or do I get the dowry? You get it. Okay, good. As the male. But they should be courting you. Yeah, well, I'll post him like a whore behind glass.

And people that select him, they can pitch me. What do you have? Do you have a ranch? Do you have a 10-foot fence that he can't get over? That dog, when I tried to get Henry out into Derek's van and kept this one in for 30 seconds, he was jumping over the door part of the gate, which is six feet high. And his head was popping up like he was on a fucking trampoline on the other side. This dog's fucking... It's one to be reckoned with.

But I took him up. I haven't climbed that mountain for at least 10 years. I thought you meant the road on the other side of the house. No, I'm talking about the... You talked the gravel road. Yeah, the tower. Clark went with you. Yeah, well, no.

He went after me. Oh. I got back. Well, it's 7.45 in the morning, which is late for me with these fucking dogs harassing me. By the way, Clark is the person I brought with me as a buddy whose real name's Dale,

but his official name now and forever will be Clark. Well, I thought it was Clark because Doug keeps referring to him as Clark, and then I see someone said, no, his name's Dale, but it's Clark. And I just got everything. Once you're branded, you're branded for life. Yeah.

No. If I fuck up your name the first night, you change your name or you make me look like an asshole. And you don't do that. That's not. I'm pretty sure I called Dave Everett Bob for like three years or something around here. Which was nice enough never to correct me. So I walk out of the house at 745, and there's some guy with all of his contents of his car outside of the car

and a small dog attached to the bumper. Probably late 20s. Parked. They're parked. Parked right across from the gate where anyone would park for football or to the bumper. Probably late 20s. Parked. They're parked. Parked right across from the gate where anyone would park for football or to come over. And some shaggy late 20s kid, I guess.

And I just got out of bed. I don't want to fucking talk to anybody, much less a fan. And he goes, hey, stay at Hope. I went, yeah. He goes, I'm Lukeke and i said okay and then he said i uh i ran out of gas i go oh right in that exact spot and he said pointed uphill yeah diagonal with all the other cars did he have a gas can and some sweat that he put fake water on his

face he he said sorry uh i'm broke right now but i have some money coming in on thursday today's friday he said i have money coming in on thursday so i'll be out of your hair by then and at that point i was i was speechless and you said i don't have any hair i just involved i just turned and walked away i didn't say a word i just left and i get onto the top of the mountain and i called chaley so no more no selfie no nothing it took me that was a half hour fucking one quick autograph what should i have said what do i say when I come back? Should I be nice to him? That was, I should be nice to him, but I'm not going to let him fucking camp outside of my house for a week.

That's what we're here for. That's down in front of my house. Well, Chaley, you looked at the fucking security camera. And that guy got here at like 1230. I don't know how late you guys were up drinking. Oh, we drank immediately. And Tracy was like really like she was like a babysitter clown for us like all night. Like listening to Smash Muck.

I said you started drinking. I meant stopped drinking. Oh, yeah. You stopped drinking. I started drinking. Yeah, but that wasn't last night. That was the first night. Yeah, last night I had to fall down early on you guys.

Yeah. So I don't know how late you were up. If you were here when he parked out there. Oh, Tracy went to bed, and then we still watched The Principal with Jim Belushi later, you know? Man, you guys put on some terrible fucking shows. Oh, yeah. Make a, not make a wish, make a deal. Let's make a deal.

Let's make a deal. With Wayne make a, let's make a deal. With Wayne Brady, really? I could watch that all day. That's the one the Bretzels were on. Yeah, the Bretzels were on that one. I need some escapism. Get on camera. As far as escapism, Wayne Brady, and I can't watch Drew Carey.

Did he gain weight again? If he's fat, I'll watch him. If he's skinny, I can't watch him. No, he's a kind of medium. No, he's got to be fat. Plateaued. I don't know. You're talking about for Price is Right.

Yeah, he should gain weight because of the COVID, you know, and everybody will feel good how much weight they gain. Anyway, so right after I walked away from that guy, he evidently left. Shortly after, yeah. Yeah, and he must have had gas. He stayed gone so far. It ain't Thursday.

And he wasn't, like, threatening, like, other people we've had problems with. He wasn't scary. He seemed affable. But just the fucking hubris of, I mean, I was wondering that when I was just walking the dog this time. I was wondering that when I was just walking the dog this time. I mean, people have an idea of what the funhouse is like, what the whole compound is like with all the stupid colors and shit. But I bet nobody has an accurate idea of what the neighborhood is like. Like this is one funhouse of 10 on Van Dyke. I think they think it's out in the middle of nowhere like there's nothing surrounding, but no.

It's fucking neighbors. It's elderly people with dogs is what it is. Very closely packed, but on only a few streets until you hit that mountain. Forget my point. But yeah, that guy's going to fucking camp out on

what's... I mean, his back tires are touching the road that's how narrow a space you have to park and you have all your shit out of your car well and then but there's people like coming down the street like like we got a lot of walkers especially at like seven and eight in the morning but if i've checked the cameras i can see these people going by constantly and here's this guy with his shirt off on his knees, like doing a horse bath. Out of the dog bowl. Dog bowl, like flipping water up under his pits and then doing the, yeah, all right, all right.

And he's brushing his hair in your street. I want him to pull that prank, not with a car, but some other thing. Like comes out of the bike, hey, stand up, just got a flat tire uh-oh a skateboard whoa one of the wheels fell off anyway big fan i was thinking that for the whole fucking half hour up and half hour down that fucking mountain like how we could fuck with him and make this like a podcast prank. I was thinking about going on Nextdoor and having everyone in the neighborhood stop by and say, Hi, Luke, welcome to the neighborhood, and give them either dog food or some cake. Deodorant? Yeah, pie.

Here you go. Welcome pie. Here's a casserole we made for you. Welcome to the neighborhood. Welcome pie? It's a welcome pie. Well, we should probably start with the waffles. Get rid of those. No one's eating them. They're just sitting in there.

There's always a bag of waffles in there, untouched, in a package. Nobody ever eats them. In every freezer in America. You know what? People would eat them at Football Sunday if I made them for them. It's true. If I made up some waffles with some raspberry compote and have some whipped butter in a baller on top and handed it to him, every person would eat.

Or cut it up like appetizers with little frilly toothpicks. Right. Yeah. People are so reticent to open a fucking box here. Right. Yeah. People are so reticent to open a fucking box here. Like if I, sometimes I'll come in to open the box at Donuts and they're gone within an hour.

Yeah. But no one wants to be first. You put out hummus and it still has the cellophane on the top and like, ooh, that must be special. My grandmother used to cover her couch like that. We couldn't sit on it, so we shouldn't touch the hummus. My grandmother used to cover her couch like that. We couldn't sit on it, so we shouldn't touch the hummus. We're going to have plenty of brisket. Oh, yeah. For...

I didn't realize how gelatinous brisket is. You know, I've never really butchered it before, so you're supposed to cut more of the fat cap off than I did. Check the roll-out price. There is. There's one next to the bagels. 99 cent price reduced. Yeah, there's a – but there was a whole – I think I call it a packer.

So it was a full brisket that we got from Weedy. And the front – the pointy end of it called the point, that gets a little dry it turns out. Do you like brisket? No. Because I know a lot of this shit you cook just because you like to experiment with new cooking things. I like smoking meats. I love the smell of smoke. Yes.

I realized this morning I don't like brisket. I'm not a huge fan. I like a barbecued meat that has barbecue sauce, usually. Stuff like that. That's what we were desperately missing is barbecue sauce usually stuff like that's what we were desperately missing is oh there's some there's joeby's oh joeby joeby has a really good one in there joeby's and it's not like melt your face hot it's like a real it's a sweet barbecue sauce it's very good i forgot about it as well no stubs i'll tell you that stubs is uh i think

that's my favorite like generic brand. Yeah. Easily. Yeah, I like spicy Stubbs. We went to a place- Everything Joby makes is fucking great barbecue-wise. Man, I had a fucking great day. I don't know if it's because I'm exercising or I've been taking Xanax with the dog. You know what it is? New dog love. That's what it isanax with the dog. You know what it is? New dog love.

That's what it is. Smalling the dog, feeling happy. If I tweeted every time I decided to either keep or get rid of the dog, it would change a dozen times a day. You're like a teenager with a new girlfriend right now. Or a foodie with a new account. They got to fill up plates of food pictures. You're just giddy. You're very giddy.

I can't believe you fucking walked up that hill. I didn't think. I thought I was just going to go up because it's been so. I was locked down for so many years with the chains and the no trespassing. There's no gate anymore? There's gates still there, but the chain is not locked. It's just like to keep it shut. And I just wanted to see that view again because you only have to go 50 yards up that

walk before it even gets steep and you can see all of this area that's that first saddle i was telling clark because he did it after you today that is the one of the best it was the best view of warren right there because you get to see the whole bowl. Yeah. Yeah, it took some video because I figured, I don't think this is going to happen again anytime soon. Last time ever. It wasn't the lock before that kept me off that hill. It was the hill. And it's still just as slippery with the loose gravel.

Hey, Doug, you're on this hill too? I ran out of gas. He's just halfway up huffing. I ran out of gas. Me too. Yeah, I can't believe you fucking. Clark is a big boy. Yeah.

And so when you said you were going to go up that hill, what do you weigh? 350. 350. He's a svelte 350, though. You know, he can move like that. Well, when he said he was going up there. Like a young Jim Belushi. I basically broke out the popcorn

in my head and took a seat up on the deck to watch him go up that fucking hill and I go I don't see him and then I saw a dark spot in the otherwise green and brown and I went I think that's him sitting down and I'll wait to see if that spot moves and you

did that's when I had Junior text you to wave he did That spot moves, and you did. That's when I had Junior text you to wave. He did. Mackenzie's on her way down. She should be here in a couple hours from Bird Cloud. Oh, great. I was telling Clark about Bird Cloud. Yeah, her and some gal pal that they were supposed to be here.

Not Jasmine? No, no, no. No, some friend from Phoenix. She came out to see that friend, and now they're coming down together. And so they've been partying their balls off. So now with Junior and Clark here, and Bird Cloud, now Mackenzie and company, and the rest of you fucking flakes. Monday's gonna be a fucking dire hangover.

Because you guys are staying through football. Yep. You have to stay through football. And then Halloween, football, and then... Oh, yeah, I forget Halloween. Fuck Halloween. Yeah. Oh, Chaley, yeah, we're gonna have to keep this fucking podcast on time.

Oh, this is gonna be delayed for three weeks because he's got a haunted house, right? Or something. Haunted house, chainsaw. When I found out Doug wanted to do a podcast, I'm like, well, this will be like one of those reality shows. All right, you got six hours to build a haunt. But I'm just doing a yard decoration. He's just doing the decorations, not the whole walkthrough. It'll be interesting.

Can it be a John Taffer Halloween? Shut it! Spiders are not scaring anyone! Shut it down! You're gonna kill someone! These wings aren't fully bat. They're using real

dead bodies in a haunted house. That's a health code violation. Someone's going to get sick from that corpse. There was a, when we were in Bellevue, Michael had a guy coming by. And it was two brothers who had a haunt way south, past Olympia and stuff. And they were out in the boonies, and they had a junkyard. My brother went out to it one time. And I go, what was it like? He goes goes i'm walking around just like checking out it's during the day and there's like these all these like fucking like pig heads and stuff my brother

ghost ride does a lot of barnyard stuff and butcher stuff and he's like checking it out he goes motherfucker that's a real pig head they like took pig heads and just stuck them on stakes. And then the whole. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. And the haunted house was going through a junkyard. Could you be more of a dangerous place with like stacked, rusted, like dismantled vehicles? Wait till you get to the shed of house flies. Close your mouth.

Now you're all wearing a mask, aren't you? Here's a scary oil pan. I woke up with maggots in my nostrils. I'll figure it out. We'll get something going tomorrow. I almost died in Denver. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Car flipped around. 180 going down a hill. You came here by way of Denver? Oh, yeah. We went to Denver. Land of shit. I'm against Denver forever now.

I almost died there. Everyone's rude. Hang on. Junior's stop good. For forever, you were driving like a 1994 fucking Honda. You know why I did that? For the environment. And now, environment's not good.

What was it? What was the car? It was like a 2000 Civic. All right. And then I bought another 2000. With like 400,000 miles on it? Probably around 400,000 miles. But you work on cars?

Well, yeah. I learned how to fix cars on it? Probably around 400,000 miles. But you work on cars? Well, yeah. I learned how to fix cars because I don't want to. Via YouTube. Seriously. Via YouTube. That's a good way. That's how I learned how to pack socks too on my first road trip. What was the car that you drove down to Florida to do that run?

Same car. No, that was a previous Civic, I think. That was a $500 car think that was a 500 car right no it may have been the other one but uh the cylinder the head gasket blew right when i got to florida that was with rouse and them i was running on three cylinders so you have to keep the car comic so you have to keep pressing on the gas a little bit otherwise the car dies you know okay when you're shifting oh fuck yeah and then rouse is peeing in it like every third day too so it's like it's a little bit stressful

you know you left andy behind at a gas station and we're gone for a while we were gone this is what happened we were uh we were we were driving through florida going up through i don't know what's the next georgia or something i don't know so we're going to which way are we going north well we're trying to we're trying to go Which way are we going? North or South? Well, we're trying to go back up north so I can get this piece of shit back in so I can change the head gasket. And then, what is it? You know, Rouse is sitting. We're going to a hotel and Andy's asleep in the back.

And Rouse is like, hey, buddy, I got to go. You know? And I'm like, all right. And I was like, here's the gas station. He's like, yeah, you know what? I kind of took care of it. Like, just big smile on his face.

And I'm like, all right, I guess I get a pack of cigarettes and I get a pack of cigarettes. Finally, I get my pack. I go over to Georgia to the hotel.

I go, wake up, sleepyhead. And he's not in the back. So I had to backtrack 20 minutes or whatever. Every gas station

and all the time. Because you couldn't remember the gas station you were at? I can't remember gas station. And all the time, Rouse. Because you couldn't remember the gas station you were at? I can't remember the gas station. So the fucking Rouse is going, that motherfucker always runs away. And I'm like, shut up. You peed in my car. Shut the fuck up. And you ran away.

Smelling piss. Andy didn't run away. Andy went to the bathroom. Well, Andy was being, well, no, Andy just kind of wanders. He's the wanderer. Oh, I know. I don't know. He just kind of wanders. He's the wanderer. Oh, I know. I don't know. He comes out of the bathroom.

He went to the truck stop restroom to see what they had for the vending. Andy will come out of a truck stop with a fucking towel around him buying chips and shit, you know? If you'd like me to electrify you with rubber studded nubs while prolonging my erection, I just spent 75 cents in a restroom vending machine is that one of your uh that was on stage that was a riff from uh open mic where whatever gig i was doing they had that in the ladies if you'd like me to tell me now before i waste 75 cents in the bedroom

and he was during the the interim between uh you guys leaving and you coming back, Andy was really seriously, like they closed the gap, there was no place to go inside there, and he was looking like, thinking, I guess I could bury myself with leaves in the forest. Andy's recollection of it is like, fuck it, dude, are you serious? Why wouldn't you just call someone, do something? We were talking about that. You don't have anyone's, no, he left his cell phone in the car. He did. Oh, do something. We were talking about that. You don't have anyone's... He left his cell phone in the car. He did.

Nobody knows anybody's phone number. That's true. He probably doesn't even know his own phone number. Anyway, the gig was good in Georgia. But when we took that train trip, Bingo and I, we just took Amtrak for fun for like nine

days or something. And we went up through Chicago and we had a layover there. That's their hub, Amtrak. And so we took a day off and hung out with Junior. And I remember, I don't know what piece of shit car that was. Oh, that was a piece of shit, big time. We'll take you to Maggie's bar, his gal pal's bar, where she bartends. And it was a cool bar.

I go, we can just get an Uber. They go, no, we're at a meter. We can drive. And we got to that car. Oh, the look on your face is just precious. And then I open up my trunk, which is all just smashed in, you know. And I was like, look, I got these new shoes like you taught me at the thrift store. It looked like the dumpster on a thursday before friday pickup i'm like i'm a road comic

i can when when the comics will pick you up at the airport for when you're playing a club and you're flying to pittsburgh and they send some you know open mic guy and he's like my car is a mess like i've fucking lived out of a car i know i'm a road comic you're not living in it you're just getting from a to b but i'm saying i know how to fucking work around a fucking thousand mcdonald's bags but this was this was like the the fucking mediator from hoarders was in the trunk junior on a scale of one to ten what's your stress level what i suggest throwing out this old fucking placemat i use that placemat i eat my chinese on it why do you have a tire cut in half in your

trunk i'm gonna make a planter uh but yeah we hopped in that car and had a great time at that bar what's the name of that bar give him a plug cle time at that bar. What's the name of that bar? Give them a plug. Cleo's. Cleo's? That's the name of my favorite bar in Appleton. That's true. My favorite psychic in the 90s. Madam Cleo.

Yeah. Miss Cleo. Miss Cleo. Yes. Madam Cleo was a famous- Different lady. Whorehouse lady from the 1800s. Oh, and I like the Puerto Rican psychic, too, who might be a man or a woman. lady from the 1800s. Oh, and I like the Puerto Rican psychic, too, who might be a man or a woman.

Speaking of the 1800s, I was getting the mail yesterday, and Junior's sitting there, and I go, there's a package, and I always assume it's for me, and then I get bent out of shape for one of you guys, and it was for Tracy, and I looked at the name, and I went, goddammit,

Tracy Wernit, her last name. And Junior goes, Wernit? Tracy Wernit sounds like a name and i went god damn it tracy warnett her last name and junior goes warnett tracy warnett sounds like a slur from the 1880s tracy warnett i thought that was cute i'm gonna use it from now on when it was when it was uh slanderous or what's the word for religious when it's vulgar to a, when you say god damn it, that is taking the words blasphemous. Thank you, guy who cannot be

named. We had some people come over that listened to the podcast. A couple times. But one of them they wanted to take a picture in the funhouse, so the man who cannot be named took him in and he introduced

himself and then he said, you might also know me as the man who cannot be named. And she goes, oh, that's you? I don't know if I told you this, Doug. We were walking... Did I tell the story, Trace? We were walking in Flagstaff. Oh, I don't think you did. That's right.

I forgot about that. We've been to Flagstaff. I've been there twice with you. Most recently. You had actually started comedy. Hotel Montclair, I think is the name. Yeah. Which is closed now.

Monta Vista? Anyway. I got to look it up. Anyway. I got to look it up. Anyway, so it's a place that I remember because it was where you started doing, you know, stand up and stuff.

Yeah. And we were going to go get breakfast at the, what's it called? Martans. Martans. Which is a fantastic breakfast place. Right.

And this is the first time we'd actually been walking around Flagstaff not drunk or hung over so you know it's gonna be 45 minutes because of covid social distancing right let's go we wait twice that so we go walking around and we get the the message to come back so we're halfway down main street we're coming back we've got our masks on and some guy goes shaley i turn around i got a mask on i'm like what and he's all shaley what's up fan of the podcast i'm all who and i pull my mask down i'm gonna go who who are you he goes

i'm just blake just uh big fan of stanhope's saw him last two times you guys are in town that's cool we're walking away he's on a job interview where the guy's telling him what his duties will be at the job. And so his new boss is standing there going, do you know this guy? I mean, he must have heard his voice or something because how the hell would he know? The hair. Yeah, it's the hair. It could be the hair. Everybody's got some weird hairdo now.

Last time he was there, he probably didn't have blue hair. Well, no. Well, you know what? To be honest, everybody's got colored hair now. It's so true. Chad has been recognized just by his voice. But it has to be. And your hair, too.

Your hair together. He didn't say shit about me. He just said shit. It was because I think the last time we did that room, that was pretty packed. And there was a lot of people from that town. And Flagstaff, I don't think people leave where they live to go to Flagstaff to see a Doug Stanoff show. It's all locals and it's kind of a hippie town. It's great.

I'm kind of bummed that that bar was shut down. But I go up against the window looking in. The entire hotel's out? No, the hotel's open, but the bar is shut down. But not just shut down, but like, all right, just push everything to the middle of the room and see you guys whenever. And they go, we're going to be closed for two weeks, dated April 10th. Also, our restaurant was closed when we came back through with a sign on it that said, we're cleaning and doing COVID testing. Everybody stay safe.

Someone, yeah. Oh, it's a place we just ate in six days ago. So good. God damn, that was such a bummer. This morning with the mask thing, I had my mask on anyway because it's that hour. Not my mask, the neck thing that goes up over your face. I think they call them gators. I've seen it at the Home Depot.

When it's fucking that cold in the morning. It's like a neck sock. It's like an uncircumcised head. Alright. And then I had my fucking beanie cap, winter cap on, and then I thought I should get sunglasses. I don't really need them, but that would just obscure my whole head in case I run into other dog walkers.

I don't want to chat. I don't want to fucking. Evening, I fucking love it. When I go out, you know, between five and six, like right around now, and everyone's walking their dog, and now I'm kind of social. I love talking to fucking neighbors. I love putting on that fucking I'm a normal guy face and having boring conversations. Is it because you had an edible? No, not tonight. No, I mean when you are usually out walking a dog late at night.

No, no. Or in the evening. No, it's just because I've usually had a cocktail or two. Okay. Yeah, I spent my day. I've been awake. It is weird. You're in the morning. I spent my day. I've been awake. It is weird. You had a small talk.

I get my fucking aviator shades and then I go back and that's when the fucking guy well, yeah, you're going to recognize me when you're camped outside of my gate and I just walked out of my own house. Oh, hey, how are you? Oh, you live here? Oh, what a cool inky dink.

Oh, I'm not Stan Hope. Yeah, you're dressed like the Invisible Man, basically. Claude Rains. But the shape of your head, it's hard to... But it's funny that I leashed up the dogs and then went, wait, I got to go back and get sunglasses so I don't get recognized. And there's this fucking guy camped out for tickets. Doug talking about the weather is pretty great. It's getting cold, huh?

To like an 80-year-old man. Oh, did you guys see John? No. It's getting warmer. No, John down the end of the next block. Oh, they're tented. It's done now. But yeah, he's 115 years old or so, so i guess but he's just a sweet old guy

and he walks with his family and his wife gets pushed in a wheelchair depending on he has a he has a stand-up walker that you can convert to a chair which my mom had yeah and i don't know how he gets anywhere because he weighs it anything that moves within his his vision yeah just absolute fucking joy to see. Totally puts a smile on your face. And then when we walked past, it's got a two story, which is rare for this town.

And it was completely tented for fumigation. And I went, oh, looks like John passed away. That's what you do when someone dies and you just wrap up their whole house. Yeah. What would it be? It's a brick house. Still have termites.

Yeah, I guess. It's not like there's no wood. The roof, yeah. Or maybe he passed away. Just wrap it up. We'll deal with it after the holidays. See you in January. It's always the neighbors that complain about an odd smell that's when

they find the body so so you're coming back though oh that's what i was getting the new car which is fucking sweet it's a sweetest 1997 oh 97 town car airbag suspension all of it and like dusty like you think it rusty just got found in the desert so it's keeping with the piece of shit uh piece of shit motif it's tan so matches the sand and the sadness but that thing's gonna be a joy to ride. I have that 94 Crown Vic. It really is like just like a couch. It's just a couch and you're just flying down the highway. That's what we call the Crown Vic. Take the couch.

I wish we could line you guys up and do an old 50s drag race. Down airport road. Perfect. Love it. Going down the, what is that, the California Aqueduct where the sewage goes into?

I don't know what the hell that's called. Are you talking about that grease? Grease, yeah, the grease. Derek, you know everything about cars according to you. LA River. Who's going to win in that race?

Crown Vic, yes. Wait, what year is the Crown Vic? It's a 94. It's a twin cam. It's a twin cam. Oh, yeah, I can't, I'm not i'm not gonna i don't know what that means but and i don't know that there's two of them these are two camp chefs derrick says everything with such confidence that if you don't know you just believe him and then you go it's fucking he's

wrong again i don't know how he works on cars either he's all crippled up and stuff you know which is amazing shouldn't have said that yeah he does work around here like i just hate fucking getting low my knees are fucking awful so like anything so when derrick would work around here i'm like yeah clean out the fucking funhouse fridge and stock all that extra club soda in the bottom shelf i don't like to fucking get down on my knees it's very it's like george foreman how he'd stand in the corner rather yeah he said it took more energy for him to sit down between rounds so he'd just stand there it took more energy for him to sit and then stand back you gotta kind of

rock yourself back up like yeah that's that's how i feel that's why organizing the tupperware fucking cabinet that's down low. I did that twice during COVID. And that's a big thing for me to fucking actually get down on my knees. I messed it up last night. I knocked your tower over. That's all right. Yeah, I know.

You said it was okay. And I figured you were drunk. Usually I would yell about something when I'm drunk. I know. But I think you were just right. I think you'd taken a sleeper. You had already planned because I was starting to cut up the brisket and put it away. I know, but I think you were just, right, I think you'd taken a sleeper, you were gonna, you had already planned because I was starting to cut up the brisket

and put it away. I've been in a good mood lately. Yeah. And you worked all day on that brisket that no one really liked. I drank a lot of beer and watched a lot of horror movies too. That was a great day.

I'm glad you agree with us that you didn't really like the brisket. No, it's not a cut of meat I like. I think it was cooked properly. I mean, it was... I don't even know how it should be cooked. Should it be gelatinous or should it be... Yeah, I mean, that's part of it.

But like I said, I should have cut more of the fat cap off. Well, it was a $5 Friday when I went to Safeway this morning. And they had $5 a pound T-bones. And my meat guy says, hey, T just today only five dollars a pound and i've immediately snatched a four pack yeah and uh then i thought oh shit we have all that leftover brisket chaley's gonna yell at me go why are you buying no no i'll take the brisket when look i'll take the brisket i'll chop it up and we can do um like a like barbecue brisket sandwiches which i think it'll be better sunday it'll still be good oh it'll be fine it'll be fine yeah that's and i got

a lot of the fat off of that because i was i was kind of surprised too but it i mean brisket has a lot of fat like layered in there as well as a big cap on the on one side and a silver skin on the other it's yeah it's a lot of up small enough and fucking slather it in barbecue sauce. Yeah, it'll be good. Fuck yeah. Crock-pot. That's why they win those contests where people waste their lives. I'll get the big fucking crock-pot.

That's a lot of brisket. We'll eat those steaks. No, I think it'll take a regular one. Yeah. But yeah, that'll be fine. We can put them on waffles. Brisket and waffles. Waffles and brisket. It's just a delivery system.

I bet you there's something like that somewhere. I'd eat it. Well, chicken and waffles is really good. Blueberry glaze on there. Yeah. With the raspberry compote. Started loading my smoothies with some of those blueberries that were on sale. And I went, no, I'm going to save the frozen blueberries.

Fuck this. I'll put something else in the smoothie because those are going to go good on those unfrozen waffles. blueberries that were on sale and i went no i gotta save the frozen blueberries fuck this i'll put something else in the smoothie because those are gonna go good on those unfrozen waffles from the undercooled freezer if you want those to harden up just get them in the little house no one ever really goes in there to open that freezer this freezer's open all the time when i i realized that while you were away and you fucking leave me you go on vacation and i i don't know what to do with fucking half-rozen waffles. So I did bring them in there, but I brought them back out for last Sunday. So I wouldn't freak out.

Nobody ate them. Well, I'm not out here to... You did have syrup out last week, didn't you? Yeah. It doesn't seem right for a party. Here's some blueberry and syrup. I only want some wings and maybe some crackers there you go you have to understand all the meat and main dishes there's there's the

component of uh derrick and kenny where you go you just try to pawn off all the high food on them high high broke guy here have some fucking frozen waffles oh it's a delicacy i usually if you put a toothpick in it and cutting in squares maybe yeah yeah you know what with the lego legos with the eggo waffles i remember uh when i would make breakfast before i went to school junior high i would load up each of the little squares was a little hot tub of butter and then i would put powdered sugar on that and it with the blue with the little the blueberry taste, it's not strong. But just enough, that is a real good. And like you said, cut it up

and put a toothpick in it. It's like a dessert. And a mousse bouche. Oh, Andrew, when he came by, because I call my Roomba, I call it a Zumba, but whatever. I forgot to tell you about that.

Yeah. I forgot to tell you about that. Yeah. I got all the fucking chairs up on the dining room table and stuff, so the Zumba had plenty of fucking room to work. And those are fucking great. They're great, especially now that that house isn't cluttered. You just let it go for a couple hours. It fucking sweeps up everything. I know. It's just a disc.

It's a robot. Yeah, it's a robot disc. Vacuum cleaner. Yeah, when it's done, it fucking goes back and docks itself at its charging station. Fucking cool as shit.

And you just watch this thing. I love that you're telling this to Junior, the owner of a 1997 Lincoln Town Car that's tan. You know when you have telling this to Junior, the owner of a 1997 Lincoln Town Car that's tan. You know when you have the screen, like when the TV goes dead and it just has the DirecTV emblem bouncing around like Pong on your TV and you stare at it, wait for it to hit the corner exactly right? That's what watching the Zumba is like.

Watching the Zumba high. So I always call it- Like when you play Solitaire and you win and then all of a sudden it goes this. And you want it to go right in the right corner. Never played solitaire. I always had friends. There's like 3 million people I know I'm talking about. Played that.

Wasted their lives. Okay. Playing that. So I always talk to it or about it like it's a pet like oh i call it honey oh honey honey must have gotten stuck on something she's beeping if it like eats it like it eats the fucking carpet and gets stuck it'll go beep beep oh honey you try to eat the carpet you little so honey get out today i left the fucking screen door on the front door open and you know where all those dead leaves mount up in the corner of the alcohol they blow yeah they never picked up

it was all fucking wedged in there still eating and this pile of dead leaves and bingo went out oh honey you gotta go see this and i'm like oh fucking honey honey get stuck i texted tracy oh honey get out the front door i left it open and she found her in a pile of leaves i found her in a pile of dead leaves i had to pump her stomach but she's we thought you were talking about mamu's dog yeah and i'm like who doug pumped a dog's stomach and then he texted like still eating. And I'm like, what the fuck happened to her dog? And why was her dog here? I thought maybe Switchblade had had a bad day. So then she's back on the job. And Andrew comes over with the fresh baked cookies.

And he's like, oh, wow, that's how that works? He goes, you should put like shots on that. Like for football Sunday, like a, like a, like a person with a tray of hors d'oeuvres at a party, we should put like hors d'oeuvres or shots on top of the Zumba on a tray and just set it in the fun house.

So it just keeps going from person to person. Cause as soon as it's spots, it hit a wall or something that moves. So it'd just be like a robot caterer. And I'm picturing Honey Switchblade I'm picturing the Basset Hound with fucking hors d'oeuvres on her back.

Casey still thinks you're talking about Mamu's dog. When he sent me that I was like oh okay yeah the dog is going to care for her. I thought you figured it out after that. I did not. So it's the same joy as when you have the kid, when you're a kid and you got that lawnmower with the bubbles? Yeah, those are nice. Oh, I love that.

There can be an adult one of those? Yeah, all day long. We will do that Sunday. Someone, man who cannot be named, put that in your phone to remind me. Put a little bow tie on it. And then a tray of waffles with little toothpicks. Roomba Butler.

The actual dog is never going to let that fly. The dog has creeped out enough. He did paw at it a couple times out of curiosity. But yeah, no, with waffles on it, that dog would go after it. I don't think you can... I know you're not going to like this, but

I don't think you should put I know you're not going to like this, but I don't think you should put a lot of weight on that. I'm just saying. I'd hate for your toy to break. That's a heavy duty motherfucker. No, waffles are not going to... If we ever go on the road again, you're going to have to get the app that

his brother has. You can watch Honey while you're on the road and see where she is in your house. The trail. Stuck, yes. I'm with this. Get a plate of sandwiches, put it on Honey, and just have it come by and just pick one up. Chuck it in your mouth. Keep working.

Yeah. If we had an outdoor party, that would be very funny. Except there's too many spots of dead leaves or gravel. Ant hill. Oh, let's put it on the ant hill. Oh, my God. Just get a vacuum. No, no, no.

Oh, fuck. That's a question I've had for you for four months. How do you get that fucking vacuum off the wall in the pantry? He showed you one time. Oh, well, you didn't do it when I'm sober. Or just leave it off the wall. Well, let me know when that is, and I'll come up. Jesus.

You only talk to me when I'm drinking. Up and out. Up and out. Hey, Trace. Yes. Up and out. One second. There's some dirty martini brine right there.

Okay. Can I get one of your fabulous? Oh, fancy. Doug, didn't you get some vodka from someone? Yes. Oh, yeah. No, I have a whole. Where's the brine right there Okay Can I get one of your Fabulous Doug didn't you get Some vodka from someone Yes Oh yeah no I have a whole Where's the brine

I have a stack of Thank yous Eric Salter But could you give it To Tracy so they can Have a shot with that Yeah yeah You don't want the

Vodkila No He said It's vodka and tequila Oh okay I don't want that It's Vodkila Can I give a shout out To LaCroix Watermelon?

The best one. Well, if you want to do thank yous, then we can wrap this up. The worst one? The coconut? I don't know. I tweeted a picture of how many. I don't know. I tweeted a picture of how many.

I think we have, what, 15, 16 of these cardboard cutouts, like Major League Baseball fans. Fans are sending us their cardboard cutouts. Again, everyone seems to be using shindigs with a Z at the end. Shindigs sells these. So, yeah, we got a shitload now. I was shocked. I came into the funhouse. I'm like, is there a fucking party going on?

I faced them all towards the stage and took the picture from the stage. That's what a show here would look like. I thought you were going to do a show with Junior. Since then... We were thinking about doing that. Just do a show for you guys. What's up with these masks. You know, it'd be funny. Hey, what's up with these masks?

You can do it all from, like, the only camera shot is from behind you on stage. So you're just watching the people out front, and then we'll pipe, like a Premier League in football, we'll pipe in the. Oh, yeah, pipe in laughs. Pipe in laughs. Yeah. And have the crowd just be angry talking to each other at a table

go quit your day job so yeah please keep sending those cause the picture I tweeted that filled up a lot of the funhouse chairs not counting behind the bar. Oh, look. That was fucking hilarious.

Sorry, when she was shaking the thing, the dog was scratching his face at the exact same time. That was making the noise. Alright, you're high, right? Did you have edibles, Doug? You're not edibles? No. No, I'm just fucking happy today. People like edible Doug, so I like people to know when

that's happening dogs got his nuts cut I'm walking like two hours you're taking a picture of of uh deep fried pickle chips and posting it on your Instagram account when you do that it's the same thing uh well now I forget what I was talking about you're talking about shindigs let me just read through some of the names James Grote this has been since I took that picture sent us a Gary Coleman cutout which is great because Joby

has a RoboCop and a Tom Jones cutout that he's had for like his whole life he's like oh I'll throw those in the mix. And someone sent us Andrew Yang eating fried chicken. It looks like a turkey leg. Whatever it is. Look at that.

I think it's huge. Turk alert. Turk alert. Turk alert. So I thought, oh, well, once we get those four, we can have a VIP section out there somewhere. Andrew Yang, Gary Coleman, RoboCop, Tom Jones. get those four we can have a vip section out there somewhere andrew yang gary coleman robocop tom jones uh let's see i see i don't know who's who i put i i blue bandana titan's jersey okay

we talked to this guy and i have uh happy hour any combo god damn it by the way combo get fucking on patreon and join us i i even had more fun with this podcast than doing the happy hours talking to you guys. And every week someone has some fucked up stories. That Iranian guy in Poland that had to flee Iran because of a threesome with a 16-year-old and his girlfriend. But they didn't know she was 16. And that wasn't the problem that the mula had with the fucking. Niedobre. she was 16 and that wasn't the problem that the moolah had with the fucking so yeah he said he's gonna be on the next one to tell us

because we only get the beginning of the story when he had to say he had to flee to Poland and we don't know the whole process Peter Wilkins he's one of these guys some of them have descriptions some of them don't but I mean Peter Wilkins. He's one of these guys. Some of them have descriptions.

Some of them don't. But, I mean, no one can see it. Someone just wrote Bingo Bingaman on that one. I think that's the dog. I think that's Morgan Murphy sent that. Did Morgan Murphy send a picture of Jack? Oh, is that Jack? That's not Jack. That's not Jack.

That's a standard tool. The person who sent that one said it's from Bingo. All right. Nathan Bergman. John Pello, Jeremy Sammons. That's just

what it says. They don't put their names on some of them. Guy with sunglasses and blue shirt. Okay. And Seth Brashears. We know Seth Brashears. He's on all the happy hours. He's the bridge inspector. And again, Eric Salter sent us.

He emailed me. He had a bingo figurine, a lady that, you know, a ceramic disheveled woman. Action figure. Yeah, but a ceramic little thing that said the lady said bingo and carrying bingo cards and bingo dombers and he goes would bingo even want this i go yeah she's sure and that showed up broken but what was not broken was three bottles of vodka one of them being vodkila and uh the brand it's where he lives kalamazoo oh it's on the shelf back there, too. Yeah, Kalamazoo Vodka. So, yeah, thanks. Eric always sends us great shit.

He's the first guy who sent us Omaha Steaks, I believe. I think he gave us a bunch of vodka on the road. Gave us fucking everything. Like cases of Grey Goose or something. Yeah. Send us a case of fucking Xanax because the border is closed. He's a pharmacist. He gave us a case.

Yeah. All right. I get some nice letters. I don't know. That's an old one. It was sitting here and then the other one is right there. Chris and Katie. It might be under it. By the way, you were right about the Gretchen. She did text back today

and say, oh, it was the wrong Doug in my phone. This one was a really nice letter from Jay Lopeman in Olympia, Washington. That's him. Yeah, I know. I just said his name. Said some very nice things. We met him at the Neptune Theater right before it all fell apart. Ground zero.

A good old day. Met us at a meet and greet. Loved the new special. Hey, fucking watch the new special if you haven't. I mean, it's not new anymore, but if you haven't watched it, get it on Amazon Prime. And, of course, no encore for the donkey. On Vimeo. They pulled it from Vimeo for whatever reason.

Oh. So I get my money back? On Amazon Prime. Oh, yeah. I don't know how that works. Oh, yeah. If you bought it. Listen, you're all on Amazon Prime. Oh, yeah. I don't know how that works. Oh, yeah. If you bought it. Listen, you're all on fucking lockdown.

Everyone has fucking tempers right now. So take it out on fucking Vimeo customer service. Don't yell at a fucking dollar store employee. Oh, you can yell at Vimeo? That says you have to wear a mask. Well, you probably have to do it by email. That's not the same. Well, get your money back.

If you bought it forever and they don't have it anymore, fuck them. Are you done with thank yous? Yeah, I'm sure this thank yous I'm missing, but right now it's all about the cardboard cutouts, because they make me silly happy. We're going to fill this whole fucking compound.

We get the two chairs down in front of the little house on the fake grass. Up at the rape trailer, there's the couches up there. We get that little gazebo swing thing. We get the patio. We get the other patio. We get the deck. We're going to have it by the end of football season.

If it gets sent, it's getting a chair. We will get it somewhere. I just thought about that today, how funny it would be that we go to U-Haul or America Rents and rent a bunch of chairs. And they go, well, is this a wedding? No. How many people?

No people. Get that trailer down there that's full of chairs. No, it's not full of chairs. It's full of... There's maybe three or four. No, Bingo took some of the stuff over to the other house. Whatever. We have... But it would be funny to go to

America Rents to rent a bunch of chairs for our cardboard cutouts. I'll find one to put in the other side of the bed with me. Because Bingo never sleeps here. She's always over at the quiet house. That's how we've maintained during COVID. You keep your hoard over there.

I'm going to keep my Zumba fucking swept place tidy over here but yeah I'll put I'll swap out I'm not fucking committing to any cut out but I'll uh you're playing the field? yeah I'll switch out the dog will be sleeping

in front of you you'll be sitting up at night watching watching yourself in the mirror that the dog still barks at himself in. I had to take it off the wall so I could sleep. What? The fucking mirror. I had to take it down and turn it around

because he sleeps on that side of the bed and a couple of times, 2.30 in the morning. Woof, woof, woof, woof. What is it? What is it? Oh, you're barking at your fucking self in the mirror. Fucking asshole. No, there was a dog barking at her. Oh, you're barking at your fucking self in the mirror. Fucking asshole.

No, there's a dog barking at her. Oh, see? He just woke up. I do his bark perfectly. Come here, Barnabas. All right, let's go. All right. Jesus Christ.

Take us out of this, Barnabas. Woof! Woof! Oh! Woo! សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្� Thank you.