The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #417: Doug Welcomes New Bisbee Resident, Actor Michael Biehn

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

Doug welcomes his new neighbor, actor Michael Biehn (Terminator, Aliens, Abyss, Tombstone, The Rock), to the FunHouse to talk movies, Hollywood and setting the record straight. Don't forget to #SpencerTracysDick on TwitterDoug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Nov. 9th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Michael Biehn, Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. Helix is offering up to $200 off and 2 FREE pillows to our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/stanhope.Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Michael Biehn's History Website - http://settinghistorystraight.comClosing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Big shout out today to Helix Sleep. Take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the doug stanhope podcast yeah so the trivial pursuit question was uh hang on we're uh we're here with uh uh chaley chad hennigan and michael bean new bisbee resident michael Payne. Hello. So go ahead. Yeah, so

the Trivial Pursuit question is has a quarterback in the NFL ever been ejected from the game? That's how we open? Is that how you... No, yes.

Yes, because we were reading up on the NFL because of something that happened in the game and I came across this obscure fact. I'm going to guess yes, quite a few, but I could be wrong. There is only one.

Who was it? 1995, Trent Dilfer. Why? Baltimore Ravens? I think it was. Yeah. Yes, and he punched somebody on the other team in the middle of the game.

Must have been a kicker. But only one in the entire history of the NFL. Well, I think he was always frustrated because his offense was never really that good. They won the Super Bowl that year. Is Dilfer the one that won a Super Bowl and didn't get picked up by the same team the next year. I think it was the defense. It was that great defense that they had. I think.

I don't really know sports very well anymore. And my memory, as you well know. Yeah, mine's the same. Every week, Bean says, I don't know if I told you this story last week. I wouldn't remember if you did. Tell it again. All right, I'm't know if I told you this story last week. I wouldn't remember if you did. Tell it again. Alright, I'm going to open. This is kind of long, but

I'll speed through it. I wanted to open with this. It's a fan letter. Dear Doug Stanhope and crew, I'm writing you from a mental hospital. My first involuntary hold. I didn't really believe you guys fully when you started talking about arts and crafts and shit being mandatory.

But lo and behold, here I am writing this during mandatory karaoke. Did I spell that right? No, you didn't, Chris. And yesterday we had to color six pages in a coloring book, then play emoji memory match in order to get attendance credit. If you don't get enough attendance credit, then they can have the option to keep you longer. So sorry for doubting your truths. Thankfully, I was able to sneak in digging up mother.

And this is not fame. I'm sure if they knew who you were and what these books are about, they would have burned these books in five seconds. I won't make this too wordy. Hopefully, blah, blah, blah. Hope you bingo, Chad and the trailies did i spell that right yes he did chris thanks guys sending mental illness love p.s they wouldn't even give me an eraser so sorry for the mistakes it's written in pencil that's chris from uh somewhere

in pennsylvania yeah i won't give out your last name, son. That'll go on your permanent record. Yay, Pennsylvania. I wonder how many times he votes it. I have a new respect for people from Pennsylvania. Well, Michael Bean, I'll have Brian Hennigan drop your credit since he knows both of us better than we know ourselves. Well, I mean, Michael Bean. I mean, I've met a few. First of of all but i'm sorry to interrupt all right first of all i'm just very impressed that everybody actually knows how to pronounce my last name i was very upset you just pronounce it like mr bean i was

i thought i was putting spin on it bane it's the it it is being a lot of time h b-I-H-N. B-E-I-H-N. No, B-I-E. B-I-E. B-I-E-H-N. You fucking lied to me, Jaylee. What do you mean? She's blaming you. Jaylee's working on stuff.

It's always kind of fun when I'm approached by somebody and they say, Michael Behan, I'm your favorite fan. I'm your best fan ever. I'm like, well, I fucking learned how to say my name. That's weird. Happens all the time. Listen, listen, listen. I'm going to fucking dominate this fucking thing.

No, I won't. I'll let you do it. There's this fucking horrible movie called Navy Seals. And in that, when they were doing the- You're a lieutenant in that. I got paid ads. They call them paid ads. So, like when they're advertising, it's starring Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn.

You know? I didn't even fucking have my name marked for that. Oh, is that why you hate that movie so much? No, no, no, no. I hate it because it could have been really good because it had an incredible cast. Ed Harrison? Oh, don't even say that. Was Ed Harrison that?

No, no, no. You're thinking of The Abyss. No, we didn't have Ed, but we had Paxton, we had Rick Rosovich, we had Dennis Haysbear, we had Joe and Wally Kilmer, who at that time was very devout, but just smoking. I'm sure she still is. But we had a great producer. We had an Academy Award winning DP. And we had the Navy.

The Navy was, you know, so we shot on aircraft carriers and we did all this. And the director, this guy named Louis Teague. I know Louis. He was on last week's episode. I'm not surprised that we both have kind of like leveled off down around right around here

no I you know I had I had an idea it could have been like the top gun for navy seals we also had a navy seal teaching us like how to handle the weapons a navy seal for each one of us doing our stunts and all that and I thought it could be really good and it wasn't it wasn't that was before anybody knew anything about Navy Seals I mean nobody knew nothing except for I played one in the Abyss so I had some guy who said he was a Navy Seal trained me for that anyway go ahead with my credits

I can help you out here I want to go back to is that your coffee cup? that is my coffee cup. Do you bring that with you? No, I find it here. You just stole that from my wife. Oh, okay.

For viewers at home, it says, I love to fart with a heart. But then he stole it from my wife's house. And who doesn't? If you're alone. He said, do you think she'll miss this? Because I have a matching cup at home and I want to steal it. No, I don't have a matching cup at home and I want to steal it. No, I don't have a matching cup. I also have her

baseball hat that says IP in pools. Oh, good. And so I wanted to have that as a pair. It comes as a set. On Amazon? Yeah. It's unfair to break it up. Anyway, I was just about to regale the listeners with we're sitting here with Michael Biehn who, for those of you who are

maybe not that great at movies. Or young. We're sitting here with Michael Biehn, who for those of you who are maybe not that great at movies. Or young. We're talking about Kyle Reese, who comes to save the world in Terminator. We're talking about Commander Anderson from The Rock, who helped out Sean Connery. How sad was that? And then, most importantly, from the battleship Temkin of thrillers, Corporal Hicks' Aliens. That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just because you haven't covered everything yet, I just remember you from The Divide, one of my favorite films. I thought it was Scorpion King for you said oh boy oh boy here we go all right i walked into the i walked into that one man uh you know i got five kids i got five boys i all of them went to good schools and college and shit like that i've still got another one yeah i just got a letter from one of those kids in a college oh is that that college yeah i've been in that college before i thought that was a good way to open it because i know you've been in a lot of rehabs but i didn't

know if you've been in a loony bin no well what do they call the like the 7272 to our watch yeah yeah i got one of those yeah Yeah. Cops came in. They left the theater after the first 36. I don't get that. Anyway, it was very funny. Yeah. So,

but, oh, the thing is that I'm here in Arizona and everybody in Arizona loves Tombstone, of course.

Tombstone is a picture. Right up the street from Bisbee, the next town, 25 miles away Yeah even less I think One of my favorite characters in Tombstone Johnny Ringo

Great cast You started with great cast and didn't even catch your own callback You were talking about a different movie Go ahead you can give Yeah no It's It was a happy accident that movie because the director got fired four weeks in. And, you know, it was just a mess.

But I had a lot of fun. I was playing Johnny Ringo, and nobody was fucking with me. I had a good time. Was it your line that calls Val Kilmer a lunger? Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, lunger. Lunger. Let's do it yeah no i i you know

i'm a lot of times i haven't coughed without thinking of that since continue to smoke like just don't cough i've always thought that like for movies where guys are sick and they're dying of cancer and all that shit, not that you're headed in that direction or anything, but that when they cough, they should go really find some – because you can loop all that stuff. You can do all that stuff behind the scenes. They should find somebody who's really fucking dying of fucking throat cancer or whatever it is.

You know that cough is different than – We got it, Mr. Stanhope. It's a clean one. We can isolate that. I guess, Doug, you can... That was anything but clean shit. We'll be dropping that into the next Godzilla movie. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's... I guess you wouldn't need

the guy dying to do your thing. He does his own stunts. I do my own stunts. It's like we're a married couple. So go on, Michael. I'm not going to go through all my fucking credits. That seems a little presumptuous. Michael, we just, in the last couple months, met, you just moved to Bisbee this year.

Yep. Listen, I've been a fan of Doug's for, I guess, not that good of a fan because I didn't know all of your names. But I've been a fan. Doug doesn't know our names. Oh, the guy in the mental institution did. He makes them up. This guy did. If you want to...

I'll give you the mental institution letter and you can just read at the bottom, Chad Bingo Traley. He's got a lot more free time. Yeah, but I've been... I was just a fan of Doug's for a long time. I like comedians. I was at the comedy store like years ago. I used to see Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, like on stage together. And I'm sitting in the front row. I used to hang a little bit. I don't want to drop names, but a little bit like with some of those guys, you know. Richard Pryor was kind of a very, very interesting fellow. And so I've seen like all the comedians like going all the way back. you know doug you are fucking incredible and i know

i know everybody fucking talks about lenny bruce i know i'm sure if you're a comic he was a groundbreaker in his own fucking thing but i personally i didn't think he was that funny i mean i wasn't like laughing and when i go back and listen to- I don't understand half the shit he says because he talks that fucking street jive from the day. And I, you know, I mean, I like the movie. I thought Dustin Hoffman was great in the fucking movie. And I love that bit where he does, he's telling the judge, don't let that cop do my fucking, you know- Yeah, we were just talking about that. Yeah.

So, and also there's, who's that guy also that everybody loves so much who died? Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks, you know, I'm sure he was groundbreaking in ways that I don't know. I'm not a comedian, so I don't know. But I just don't think he's that funny, you know? I see him on Letterman. I see him in –

It's always sad when you see comics that are saying things that are still – Relevant? Yeah. That shouldn't – a comic should become irrelevant as society grows. And the fact that – Our society isn't growing. No, not at all. Not in the least.

Anyway, let me finish this train of thought and then I'll – if I can stay on it. And that is that – so I've always been a big fan of Doug's. And I put him right in there with the top three, four, five guys that I fucking love and have always loved. And the thing about most of the- I'm not going to interrupt you anymore. Okay. The thing about Doug and also I like Bill Burr.

You think people are like calling him Bill Barr all the time now Doug and also I like Bill Burr. Do you think people are like calling him Bill Barr all the time now because of William Barr, the attorney? No, I don't think that at all. It happens in my mind all the time. In my world, people don't know William Barr. I know Bill Burr. Attorney what? And Louis C.K. and that english guy who does the emmys uh that's a jimmy carr no no rick and gervais yeah brilliant guy and uh you know you've just always been at

the top of my list so when i met you i was like really really excited and then you you know you turn out to be the nicest guy in the world and then you gave me your book and no encore for the donkey dance or whatever it is and and uh right i got close yeah and it is and i'm not i'm not a literary giant by any long stretch of the imagination audible helps that well that's true but i don't really like audible that much but when you're doing it you're just like kind of doing a routine kind of a stand up you tell the story very well but I could tell it was incredibly well written I think

that your writing talent like I know lately you've been going like I fucking love it here I don't really miss the road and this and that you should just do more writing because I think you're an excellent writer alright that's Hennigan who makes do more writing because I think you're an excellent writer. Michael.

Alright. That's Hennigan who makes more money off the road. That's my manager. The first thing I said to him when I met him was, what are you going to do with Doug's book? He's got the audible, but when it comes out, how are you going to promote the fucking thing?

And he was like, we'll do something. I'll be doing a lot of Zoom podcasts. But yeah, meeting you, and I was thinking this this morning, because I've been up since fucking 3.30 in the morning again, because I didn't take any fucking downers. You should have. She takes eating you.

I haven't felt that refreshed since i met chad shank probably 10 years ago where someone that fucking all-encompassingly gets the joke like the entire fucking world of the joke everything about the joke yeah it was like as soon as you showed up here, I go, all right, this guy can hang. Well, the thing that's astonishing about you, also because of your humor, is that you're like the nicest guy in Bisbee. We're going to have to shut this down. We keep that a secret. Maybe behind the scenes, he's's calling you get my fucking money. Okay, okay.

We'll keep that in. We call him Ellen behind his back. Hey Chad, Ellen needs you to pick up some ice and step to it. I don't know the inner workings of your personal relationships here, but everybody in town

you mentioned your name, and I'm like, oh, he's so sweet. He's such a nice guy. And you are. You're really a nice guy. I know there's some shit on you that I'm going to find. There's got to be. I outsource all of my anger to customer service. Just hang out with them for a while.

You'll see some of the shit. Okay. Every once in a while, I'll bitch and moan about you guys behind your back. But other than that, I don't. Good luck on those dark SESB alleys. Especially you. Especially you. He's always talking shit about you.

Have you heard the Paint Kings commercial on local fucking Tucson news? Paint Kings. Paint Kings. Paint Kings. Paint Kings. We'll paint about you. Have you heard the Paint Kings commercial on local fucking Tucson News? Paint Kings, Paint Kings. Paint Kings, Paint Kings, we'll paint for you. Inside, outside, old house or new. Paint Kings, Paint Kings, free estimates, licensed, bonded, and insurance.

Paint Kings, Paint Kings, Paint Kings. If you hear me at fucking 7 o'clock in the morning leaving them messages hoping the fucking worst ills on the face of this If you hear me at fucking 7 o'clock in the morning leaving them messages hoping the fucking worst ills on the face of this earth happened to them because of that horrible jingle that they put on my fucking TV

Yeah, that's... I'm an angry person That's one of the areas I've discovered where I've got friends, obviously that... Who? Name one He's never been able to do that almost 20 years i don't need to go into that hang on we were in scotland once and his phone rang and he took it and always goes

into a separate room and i go what was that about because i knew it was about me and business because not once had i ever heard him get a personal phone call from anybody i've literally forgotten what i was gonna say so yeah oh no but angry oh angry what angry what me oh yeah yelling it yeah so i i've got friends uh who don't necessarily care for your act but they, but you'll tell them about individual bits and they're like oh, that's, it's weird. They love individual bits.

So, but, but, and then I think I'm on a roll now because I've named three or four bits that they like. I say, or also sometimes when he's angry he calls up and I'll give examples of things you say to customer service people. And they're just, they are appalled. Yeah, but they all deserve it.

I mean, that's different than like getting angry at your girlfriend. Mr. Expedia deserves it and he doesn't answer the phone. Yeah. Well, but that's like, you know, like that's not being, you know, like, yeah, I guess that's being angry. Like, that's not being, you know, like, yeah, I guess that's being, I'm just talking about normal, like, interactions with people. Because I got a little bit of a temper on me. Well, fucking when you're at football and Kenny and Derek are sitting across from you and they have a fucking rule. They're here for the early game and then they're out.

And then you're here. So they sit there and they just, we love love it but i'm very protective of you and so when they're both jabber jaw on you and i know you can't hear for shit because it's eight i get that smile on my that long that smile on my face yeah yeah well you know i appreciate by the way i brought that guy my canes he wanted like the canes that I made on my Christmas tree. Like a walking stick or something? It's not a walking stick. It's a cane.

I actually have my knees from like actually acting. I don't know why I was on my knees for all those years. Getting those rules. Don't they call it the casting couch? I don't know. But, you know, I played racquetquetball I played sports all my life so my knees are starting to grow I've actually got like one of those little braces on one of mine now because I couldn't find the other one

and there was a period at the beginning of the year where I felt like okay I'm getting close to the time where maybe a couple years from now I'm getting close to the time where maybe a couple of years from now, I'm going to need surgery, which now I think it's like that. It's like nothing. But so I figured I'll try to push that down the road as far as I can by using your cane.

And then I did. And then both of them kind of disappeared. And now my back hurts. It's a bitch getting old. I have a, I have a, you would know about it getting older. Okay, I have a... None of you would know about it, but you know. I have a listener question for you. Uh-oh. Because somebody who listens to the podcast knew in advance about this. Is it about Deadpool? And asked, it said, can you ask Michael this?

All right. And it is this. Terminator 2, you were cast as kyle reese or so you know you were is it the case that you that robert patrick robot was meant to look like kyle reese you know no no no i absolutely not not that i know of i've never jim never mentioned that to me that would have been the person that probably uh he brought me you know i died in the first one yeah and he brought me back in the second one for a dream sequence and uh it was a big movie it was a long movie and he had to cut it down and um you know i it was actually in the trailers so it was one of the last things to

go but i had a nice little scene with linda got paid pretty hands handsomely for that that little bit and uh uh the the thing about that terminator and really all my movies is that now people are like yeah fucking you're not part of that franchise or whatever aliens um i wasn't part of that franchise either now looking back then i'm not not terminator because i i went on and did aliens with jim and then i did the abyss with jim and so it's like i jim and seen enough of me i asked too many questions i have too many opinions um but i you know i i look at the terminator now and and I'm fucking biased. I'm biased, but I think it's the best one.

The first one. I just think it's the best one. Now, he made it for $6 million. It made like $60. In the second one, he had over $100 million and CGI and all that stuff. And people look at that as maybe being the – I personally – and I personally think my opinion about Jim Cameron's work is that his best film is Aliens.

Now, he won all the Academy Awards for Titanic and – Have you seen that? What? I haven't seen that. Well, you're the only person on earth who hasn't seen it. I also haven't seen it. I have not seen that. Although I haven't seen that. Well, you're the only person on Earth who hasn't seen it. I also haven't seen it. I have not seen that. Although I haven't seen Aliens either. I'm waiting to watch it with Joby.

You haven't seen Titanic? No. Well, you guys brought me in here to talk about fucking movies and none of you have ever watched them? Not mine. I saw Titanic. I thought everyone in the world saw Titanic. Well, everybody in the world did. Just to hate it. It was the highest grossing movie ever when it came out.

And then, of course, he waited 10 years to do Avatar. And during that time. Avatar, I go, oh, we'll watch that. We got a new fucking 55 inch widescreen and we had mushrooms. I go, we'll wait till that gets to the fucking red box because that's where we had to rent it from and watch it on mushrooms. And I thought the visuals would be

spectacular on mushrooms, but you just fixate on the fucking horrible tap storyline. Like, this is a fucking terrible movie. This is the worst movie ever. Well, we all have our terrible movie. This is the worst movie ever. Well, we all have our own opinions.

Yeah, the Avatar franchise isn't closed yet. Yeah, they pushed it another year, but it's going to come out, Avatar 2. Yeah, and he's got three and four and five sort of in the can too. And it's been, I think by the time the next one comes out it'll be like 15 years so it'll be interesting to see but that's uh unlike your opinion doug which i respect 100 i was it made more very it's more important that that opinion is mushroom based because you're seeing through all the fucking bells and whistles yeah i don't think it's beyond mushrooms too anyway maybe i shouldn't have been you're saying i don't think it had to be on mushrooms, too. Anyway. Maybe it shouldn't have been. I don't know, what was I saying?

Titanic. But your lead-off point was about how Aliens is Jim's best movie. You know, but I'm biased. I'm fucking in it. Well, I'm not biased, and it is. Aliens is

just one of those movies that sets a bar that other films never ever get to. And when you think of sequels, you can think of like The Godfather, Godfather. Anybody ever see The Godfather or Godfather Park? Is that a movie? There's no Celine Dion fucking soundtrack. How bad was that storyline,

Doug? Was that pretty weak for you too? Did you watch it on mushrooms? It's best on mushrooms. We have a live caller question. Caller, come around the bar. Oh, my goodness. Caller in the room. Might as well.

He looks like a rock star, this guy. It is a rock star. I'm getting a little close here. This is Joby. Yep. Oh, that's Joby. Yeah, he runs the Celebrity's Death Pool. I know.

So of all your iconic roles, Kyle Reese, Corporal Hicks, Johnny Ringo. Commander Anderson. Exactly. Commander Anderson. Don't forget Deadpool. So does anything come to mind or anyone come to mind that auditioned for that role that you beat him out on? Which one? On any of them. Like there were actors that auditioned for that role that you beat them out on? Which one? On any of them.

Like, there were actors that auditioned for it that you beat them out. I don't know. You know, I don't know. I mean, I got... I was working a lot when Jim cast me in The Terminator, which I auditioned for. I heard at one point Sting was up for that role. I mean, Sting

had done... They're remaking it right now. What's the famous science fiction? Dune, yeah. Which really stopped his acting career in a hurry. Well, it was that and Quadrophenia. He was in Quadrophenia as well. Well, Quadrophenia is – I think it's a really good movie. I didn't like the storyline.

Weak, wasn't it? I've never seen it. When you're watching it on Mushrooms? Doug sold his Vespa after he watched Quadrophenia. I'm so old, I've kind of worked with everybody. And the director of that movie is named Frank Rodham. And Frank originally cast me in a movie after he did Quadrophenia called Lords of Discipline. It was about the first-

Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. And David Keith was a big kind of movie star back then. David Keith. And so I did that with Frank. And then I did a movie with Frank called K2, which is about doing that. Peak? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't, you know, people talked and I think you asked me too, Doug, like, are there any roles or somebody's asked me recently. I asked you. Yeah. I asked you the opposite question last weekend about anyone that beat you out for a role that you should have had. Well, here's a here. You know, I've had a lot of I mean, it's part of acting. It's part of fucking being any kind of, you know, artist, I guess.

But I was up for a role. I didn't know how special it was at the time, but I met Tim Burton for Batman. And he seemed to like me a lot. And so I came back to meet him and talked to him again. And I had my agent with me who is Ed Lomato, who was part of kind of the gay mafia. And without the gay community, I don't know how far my career really would have gone. With the fan and everything right off the top. You are a handsome devil.

I was. Yeah, I was a cutie pie. and everything right out you are a handsome devil i was yeah i was a cutie pie uh so anyway so it was warner brothers if i'm not mistaken and um i went over there a second time i met him and i you know i you know i wasn't like oh batman you know and they cast uh michael keaton um he's brilliant fucking actor brilliant guy um michael keaton they cast Michael Keaton. He's a brilliant fucking actor. Brilliant guy. Michael Keaton, they cast in it along with Jack Nicholson. And so what I was told by my agent was that it was either going to be – Ed Labano told me this, Tim Burton might go like, that's a bunch of bullshit.

But I was told it was going to be either those two or me and the guy, the suicide thing, the guy that you, the most famous comedian. Robin Williams? Yeah, Robin Williams. Me and Robin Williams. Robin Williams is going to play the joke. He always finishes my sentences. When I talk to him out on the fucking patio, it's like playing a trivia game and I answer his fucking, do you need a button out there? patio it's like playing a trivia game and i answer is fucking do you need a button out there uh and so i was told it was gonna be either me or robin williams or those two and obviously

those two did it and you know i you know i could have done that movie i probably would wouldn't have handled fame very well i've never been i've never been a good movie star i never had a publicist i didn't uh well i did fuck some some bad okay michael michael can i have another live listener question yes working with sean connery yes how was it sean was uh good i mean, Sean was, you know, he was a bear of a guy. And we were told ahead of time, you know, watch this guy. Don't make eye contact with the Connor. Well, not quite.

But, you know, don't ask him some dumb fucking question or whatever. You know, don't fucking. Oh, yeah. You must have been really young at that point. I should have said to Kenny and Derek. You know what? We're talking about The Rock. Yeah.

I was in rehab when I went to meet Michael Bay and oh, the famous producer, Jerry Bruckheimer. I go back to Bruckheimer and Simpson and knew Don Simpson. And I saw Don Simpson about three or four days before he died because I was doing a terrible movie for him.

I digress. What was the question? The question was just a little busy. How was it working with Sean? Oh, Sean was great. He was, you know, I mean, I didn't really have that much interaction with him. He was, you know, I mean, I didn't really have that much interaction with him. I did ask him when we were sitting in the makeup trailer, and I did ask him what was the most difficult movie physically that he'd ever worked on.

And he told me that he did a movie called The Hill. Oh, The Hill. Yeah. Sidney Lumet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing fucking movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I read his book.

Oh, yeah. That's a great book. Sidney Lumet's book. Yes. It's a brilliant book. Oh, it's a great book. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never realized the director, oh, that's a great book. Sidney Lumet's book. It's a brilliant book. Oh, it's a great book. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never realized the director, oh, that's a lot of fucking work.

Yeah. Yeah, but you're in fucking charge. Mostly you're in charge. And, you know, you get to make all the decisions, which as an actor or as a DP or as a lot of people that are working on the show, you don't really have the final say. So, like, when the words don't work for you as an actor it's better like to be in a position that you're not just fucking like i told you before yeah but i seals i did a movie charlie sheen i was the problem i was always that guy that went like wait a second this doesn't i don't think that can't we and i never just went

to people and said to them um i never went to you know producers and stuff and and said it fucking doesn't work bring it back when it works i would say i think what you're trying to do is this this doesn't really make any sense so why don't we do it like this. I would kind of rewrite stuff for them. So I was very good at that. I know most of you are sleeping at home on some saggy old mattress at night, and you deserve better than that. So give yourself an upgrade. Because I am the greatest spokesperson of all time, I am actually selling Helix mattresses. I think I might just quit comedy and go into selling Helix mattresses because of all of the influx of new Bisbeeites, Tarek got the Helix mattress, just bought a house down the street. Are you serious about... I go, yeah, I don't promote shit I don't like. I don't do this for the money, except I do it for the money,

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They'll even pick it up if you don't love it, but you will. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. That's helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You do the rest. But Sean was, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, one of my worst moments in Hollywood was working in Iraq and it was- And you said you were in rehab, right? What? Well, I was in, yeah, I was in. And you said you were in rehab, right? What? Well, I was in rehab. And that's, I think, for my first meeting with them.

And, you know, both Michael Bay and Jerry said, like, you know, stay away from that fucking booze. I'm like, I promise, I promise. And I did. I usually was sober for, like, all the good stuff that I was in. It's a lot of the shit that's out there that uh and you'll never see me where you go like hey you know like Jan Michael Vincent when you see oh hang on Celebrity Death Pool is he dead he's not Jan Michael dead he's dead

because I had him for years in Celebrity Death Pool and he didn't die and I yeah a lot of the guys that are big boozers, big partiers, you know, if they don't go early they can hang out for a long time. And they look good too. Like you. I mean, you got this reputation of being this big fucking partier and drinker and like, you look your age.

You don't look older. You look, you know, you look great. Anyway, what were we talking about? No, you were in the middle of a Sean Connery. Oh, yeah, yeah,y so so there's a scene in in the rock where i i think sean was in the scene i could be wrong but if not it had everybody else in it on that i think yeah no sean connery was there i'm sure but it was a scene it was like the navys drive up in this truck and we file out. And I basically give Nicolas Cage and Sean this big speech. And it's not that much, maybe a two-page thing.

It lasts for 40 seconds or something like that. But it's a massive shot. It's got fucking helicopters going by in the background truck pulling in like extras all over the place it was just fucking just crazy big shot so when that if that shot doesn't work and of course they're working with probably multiple cameras at that time and that but they were facing me if that shot doesn't work it takes them like an hour to reset the shot so the pressure's a little bit on you and i guess i don't know why it was a one time in my career that you know i fucking and i can remember being in that fucking rehab down in santa monica fucking going over

those lines going over those lines going over those like anyway i jump out of the truck and i stand there and just fucking nothing. I get absolutely fucking nothing. I'm like, hum-na-hum-na-hum. I'm like, just like this in like Sean Connery and fucking Nicolas Cage. He's probably won his Academy Award for leaving Los Angeles. I mean, you know, and I pride myself as being a perfectionist. And I was just, and so Michael Bay, there's helicopter noise. Michael Bay starts screaming the lines to me. perfectionist and i was just and so michael bay there's helicopter noise michael bay starts

screaming the lines to me i wish i had the scene in front of me he would scream me a line like you know to get me started like oh yeah yeah you know and then i would say that line we're gonna need body bags that's right that's right and i would say we're gonna need body bags and then oh fuck what's the next one? Oh, fuck. And then he would yell the next one at me, you know. And he basically yelled every line. I'm getting too old for this shit. And he yelled every line to me.

And I just repeated Michael Bay screaming from the other. He just knew my dialogue. And he gave me that. I did that dialogue. And that was it. You know, we didn't have time to go back and, you know, redo it or whatever. And when you see it in the movie, it's all cut and shit. You can't fucking tell.

Yeah, you're watching helicopters and extras. Here's what I think. Michael Bay is obviously a really talented guy himself. But Michael's Michael. he's an interesting guy. And whenever I run into him, he's, hey, Michael. You know, he likes to tell that story that I just told. An old Bisbee or a Dodd Steiner? He's an old Bisbee all the time.

But I always say to him, and I feel that this is true but obviously I'm biased I think I was in his best movie I agree the thing about The Rock is it's not yet what they would describe as a Michael Bay movie

it's slightly more conventional than a Michael Bay movie and therefore it's so much more watchable decades later. You know what I mean? Well, and, you know, Nicolas Cage is fucking brilliant in that movie. There's just enough of Nicolas Cage. You know, Nick needs somebody sometimes to kind of pull him, like, just rein him in a little bit. He's a brilliant actor.

He's done a lot of great stuff. Now people are, eh, they're kind of... I and like just rein him in a little bit he's a brilliant actor he's done a lot of great stuff now people are yeah they're kind of i didn't like him in avatar i didn't like him in after you know you know you know what uh should i say this no yes absolutely nobody nobody listens to this podcast this podcast is like a confessional listen i have a responsibility i haven't worked with i haven't i haven't't worked with him in fucking 30, 40 years, whatever it's been. But I've never seen Avatar. Oh, all right. Okay. I've never seen Avatar.

And the reason I haven't seen Avatar was because, and there might have been some miscommunication or something. I thought for nine months that I was going to play the role that Stephen Lang played in it. Stephen Lang is a brilliant actor. And I thought for a long time that I was going to be playing that role. And I went in. I met Jim and talked to him about it. He said, I'm not sure if you're right for this or not. And I said, well, give me the script.

He gave me the script. I went in and I told him what I wanted to do. And I thought he was so impressed at that moment. He took me immediately downstairs and he showed me the 10-minute reel that he had shown Fox to get the money to make the movie. And I was like, oh, yeah, this is good. This is good. And I should have just turned to him at that moment and gone like, so we have a deal? You know?

But I didn't. And like 10 months later i found out i wasn't doing it and there was a producer named john landau who does all the jim's movies and i know john because his his son used to go i know john anyway but i i his son used to go to school with my son so we would call and this is ed lamano too the the agent i was talking about, Mel Gibson, just like everybody, Denzel, just like Richard Gere. And we would call like once a month and go, what's up with the role? And he would say, well, Jim still hasn't made a decision. But I thought I had impressed him so much that I was going to get that role.

And so I have this thing that if I don't get a role that I wanted, I won't watch the movie. I won't watch the movie just because fucking why torture myself? You know, whatever. Why torture yourself? And Stephen Lang is a brilliant actor. He's the reason why everybody thinks Ike Clanton is such a fucking coward and a drunk, which he's just a brilliant, brilliant actor so now he's you know in avatar so that's really wonderful for him but i you know i think that like you're talking about a michael bay movie i was always in a jim cameron movie jim cameron it was always a jim cameron i love it when they fucking say jim instead of james it's a fucking bob deniro yeah bobby deniro and i got bobby and me you gotta you gotta remember uh i was 28 he was 29 29 when he made a uh terminator okay yeah yeah okay um i i uh our

our kid friend who's uh now dead sean rouse one of the most brilliant comedians that you'll never hear of. He had a part in Men in Black. Men in Black 2. Oh, that's right. And he showed up and he fucked up his line. It was a couple lines and he fucked up his lines in front of what's his name the main guy smith no the other one tommy lee jones he fucked his line up three times and tommy lee jones just said i can't work with this replace him and i just how fucking when you were talking

about yeah fucking up your lines how heartbreaking in fact you he probably killed Sean Rose you probably I didn't even know I hated Tommy Lee Jones until right now the Cornyn report says that's why I killed him I don't know who directed that but you should shit on him

but have you ever been in like when you were an early actor where you had a fucking I mean obviously you just told this story that reminded me of this, so it's a dumb question. You know, I carried a sense of kind of like personal passion about my role and about my character. And I wasn't necessarily the most friendly person on it. I was the guy a lot of times of times get that fucking guy off the fucking i never did i never did it's army lee jones i never did that but i i think i just carried around something with me that people knew like not to like i'm the only person in fucking hollywood

it's got a decent thing to say about val kilmer you know but you know you seem like he was okay to me i mean i wasn't around him all the time but again you said you were and you you've told me the extended story where you did a film with charlie sheen and you were the problem yeah as i mentioned in the podcast four rehabs calling back to stories you just told um All those mushrooms. Yeah, and I, you know, I was, I was, I was, people used to describe me as very, very intense. Like, very intense. I remember one time when I was doing Magnificent Seven, which is a television show that I was doing. And I was at the, they called it like the craft service table.

And there was potato chips and all this kind of stuff there. And I was standing there and this young actor came up to me and he said like, dude, you're like, you're like so fucking intense, man. You are just like, oh my God. What, like, can you, fuck, I mean, I'm going to be an actor. What are you, what are you, what are you thinking right now, you know? I'm like, Fritos or Cheetos? Why is it always Red Vines?

There are no Twizzlers. But I think I kind of carry this like, you know, like Sean Connery. You don't fucking walk up to Sean and go, what's your favorite football game, football team over there and fucking, where are you from? That would be a start. up to Sean and go, what's your favorite football team over there in fucking where are you from?

That would be a start. One where, what's his fucking name? He's a singer and who's the Canadian guy they love to bash? Brian Adams. Brian Adams. So it was Ryan Adams. I'm a fucking Debs. Another musician that is not Brian Adams. I'm at Debs place and he gets a call from Ryan Adams

who's also been cancelled. Hey, do you want to go to the comedy store to see this comedian? And he's like, should we? I'm like, fuck yeah, let's go. And so then I'm shit-faced. It's late. And I'm in the fucking suburban with fucking Ryan Adams. And I do some joke about Brian Adams.

And he's heard a billion times. Oh, I just said that and I can't take it back. Yeah, every time I see his name now, I wince. Oh, A, he's been canceled and B, he wants... This is what turned me off from a nice thing. He could have raped a thousand children and I would care less than the fact

that I made a Brian Adams joke at Ryan Adams. But... I apologize to those thousand kids he raped. This is how big of a... Apparently he was halfway through a gig somewhere and some people in the audience were shouting that type of joke. Brian!

He just walked off the stage and cancelled the gig. Summer of 69! I just thought, just fucking play the tunes, you fuck. I wasn't a child when I did this. It was like four years ago. What was the joke?

How did you make fun of him? I just made a Brian Adams joke. You don't remember what it was? Yeah. Because he clearly didn't know who Ryan Adams was. Something as dumb as, oh, do you do Summer of 69 or something? And he just went, shook his head. And you did that you do Summer of 69 or something? And he just shook his head. And you did that right in front of Johnny Depp, too?

Is that your biggest faux pas ever that you've done? It's the one that came into my mind. That's pretty good. Probably not the biggest. Okay, Michael. Michael. Yes. Again, you never have to name names or whatever i know i know i

know i can't i can't the worst thing anyone's ever said to you on a set uh you know people here here's you know as i've gotten older i realized that you know people have children and so on and so forth i'll tell you who was really difficult for me and everybody else in the show to work with and that was Lauren Bacall Lauren Bacall was very very she just was one of the worst human beings

I'd ever met in life like forget about a sex she was just horrific I thought that was going to be a gentle song she was a challenging individual yeah well you know if I didn't have this microphone

in front of me I would be speaking a little bit differently about her I've got a lot of great great stories from the fan that's why I didn't need to know who said it I was just curious what was the worst thing anyone's ever said to you. Oh.

You know. It doesn't matter. We don't need to know who said it. I don't have that good of a memory, for one thing. I think you already talked about this. There's that fucking cough again. You got to record that and then sell that to some prop guy or what do they call it? Sound guy. Gargiel. Foley. Foley foley artist yeah i don't like i said you know and i she was you know

i have a theory about her that she was married to bogart at a very young age and she was hanging around spencer tracy and katherine hepburn and you know john jay Lee we're losing our demographic of only 50 something you want me to tell a dick joke these are the movies I watch should I pull my dick out and you guys want to talk about it half of your demographic welcome back to Turner Classic Movies the demographic in this video says

we love it hashtag Spencer Tracy is going to be trending after this. You guys have to make a hashtag Spencer Tracy's dick. Wait, the listeners will do that. Just say, hey, that was a great podcast. Tweet it and put

hashtag Spencer Tracy's dick. We'll all lose our fucking minds if that trends. Okay, when the laughter dies down... Is this why you keep him as a manager? He laughs at all your... He laughs at all your... I'm doing a live impression of Brian Hennigan's laugh while he's laughing. Believe me, Doug's never heard that laugh at his shows. My cheeks are hurting from laughing at Hennigan.

Oh, me and Hennigan both took edibles. Oh, I should Hennigan both took edibles. That's right. Oh, I should have offered you one. The tell is usually when Hennigan really drunk, he'll start slugging people. And that's why I never place him next to me on the mic line. Thank you for that, by the way. I appreciate that. That's all right.

All he knows is you can take care of yourself. You're feisty. What are you talking about? You can take care of yourself. I can't take care of myself. What are you fucking talking about? Are you against that barrel there? Were you ever a brawler? What? A brawler? No.

No, I was a lover. Look at how handsome he still is, Brian. He's an old man and he's handsome he could be good at it no i was good at uh i was good at at at looking like i was a tough guy but i was never i i just didn't want to give me a fucking nose broke i you know i've been punched in the nose before and it fucking hurts man there's a question have you been in a real fight or just movie fights oh no i've been in some real fight or just movie fights? Have you ever had real fights? Oh, no, I've been in some real fights before, but I don't like them.

You know, they fucking hurt. And, you know, you lose teeth and fucking your nose gets all fucking smashed. Come on, we've both lost teeth and we never get into a fight. I've lost it. To be fair, none of our job was looking pretty, though, in your swath. I would be afraid of that. I didn't know at the time, really, that I got into those altercations. Well, a couple of them I did, but I was too drunk to fucking care.

I used to drink a lot. Did I mention that? I think so. By the way, I'll do it for you so you don't have to say it again people say when did you quit drinking i go i think it was sometime between my stroke and my fucking triple bypass it wasn't a triple bite pass it was actually elective surgery but yeah that's oh you're having your heart enlarged for sexual purposes? I didn't necessarily need... You should have seen who I was working with back then, dude.

I was working with some fucking... You could go through my list. I don't want you to, but I was working with some hammers. I was going to ask you earlier, did you ever fuck an extra? I didn't fuck around with extras. You never fucked an extra? I was always right after my leading lady. Not so gory, of course, of people like that but i did a lot obviously yeah but i you know i worked with a lot of women who were fucking right in their prime um and you know

actresses are all fucking whores like like me they They are. They just are not like – yeah, I think most actresses would tell you they're a little bit more promiscuous than the usual Kansas housewife or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get together. You get two good-looking people together. You're supposed to be in love. You do a love scene. You're naked. You're shoving your dick up against – you know, it just happens.

It happens. dick up again you know it just happens it happens well i think that i think why i just watched chaley time stamp that to erase it is because yeah that's probably not the word to use but promiscuous would be the word did i use whores oh that's the same thing i'm not taking that out all right no i was looking at it i just made sure that it's loud enough. Listen, there's nobody that is more of a whore than me. So I'm not throwing shade at anybody. But you get in those situations and all of a sudden you're hot, you're popular. It's a transient business. Until Me Too, it was kind of built in as part of the job, I think, for a long time.

That was just how it used to be yeah you have to qualify that outside looking in thing with the me too movement me was i was always really frightened of rejection so i really had to have the fucking green light i had to know that there was you know this was a done deal before I even started. On the same note, when it is that done a deal, you go, oh, I can't not fuck her. If she's like, I just want to fuck you for no reason at all. I just want to wait. I'm not trying.

If I give this away, it's like losing money somehow. There are poor children starving in china i've tried to explain this to wives in the past you know it's hard to say no when they're just looking at you you know um going you know i can either ask you another question about hollywood or you can fuck me and get it over with all right i'll go with the latter exactly i mean you know i you almost feel uh not even masculine if there's a fucking hot woman in front of you and she's giving you the green light and you go oh gee now i'm married i gotta fucking you know i gotta yeah so i was a i was a i've only ever lived in a world of ambers how many times has i'm sorry but i'm married been your i i would love to have you at my house but it's covid excuse i'm not gonna fuck you thank god i'm married i can use that oh i'm okay well i respect that well on top of that i i would fuck anything or anybody so

you know i mean it really doesn't matter as long as I get that green light right off the top. It doesn't have to be some hot actress that, you know, is on her way to the very top. I, you know. You were promiscuous. Did I tell you about the little person? I have my own story. Go ahead. We'll swap dwarf stories. It's not really a own story. Go ahead. We'll swap dwarf stories.

It's not really a good story. It's not a good story. I'm just saying I don't have necessarily, it's not just hot actresses that like anything that everything that came along. You know, I'm a little bit like you in a way that if there's a hole someplace, the more holes, the merrier, yourier you know for me you know and um i you know i you know this should be one of the filmed ones just so you could just saw his jaw retract when he went that was a comic take were you have you have you ever been asked to do

accents in any of your movies i can't no i can't do shit. I've got a son who I think is going to be a much better actor than me. He's over in England. He's American, but he does great accents. I would have loved to have done that whole Cockney rhyming slang stuff that Sean Connery, I think. Oh, no. Shame about the boat race. I think Hennigan wants you to do an impression of him.

Who wants to hear his Hennigan? Of him? No, I think that's what I wanted to hear. I was just blaming it on you, Hennegan. No, no, no. I can't do accents and I can't dance. I can't sing. I can't play music.

I can do nothing but stand in front of a camera and remember my lines. That's about it. Sometimes. That's about as good as I get. I have a hard time even calling myself an artist. That seems a little pretentious for me. I don't know. Do you think of yourself as an artist?

I think I have a whole closing bit of all my specials about this. Yeah. Japanese undercarriage. I've got a lot of fucking baggage too, man. You know, I've got a lot. Is it to me? What? Is it what?

To me. To me? To me? What are you talking about? It's a brand of baggage. Oh, he's talking about luggage. I need him to interpret for you. I'll see myself out.

Sometimes Anakin talks about stuff none of us know what he's talking about. I know what he's talking about because I got a to-me bag for when I got Delta. Okay, I know what a to-me bag is. He said tummy. Oh, I said I have a lot of baggage. Is it a to-me? Yeah. And that was meant to be what?

How did that add to it? Is that meant to be funny? Jokes are made funnier by deconstructing them in analytical detail like the fucking Guardian culture thing. I wouldn't call that a joke at all, but you know, it was a comment that I guess we were able to kind of wrap it down. I'll remind everybody that they ate apples.

Thanks, Pauline Kiel. I think after this podcast, we should all go to your wife's fucking pole dancing fucking exercise class and just sit and heckle her she's great jennifer is fucking she's fantastic she is your perfect front man she she can take if you're not in the mood to socialize she's taking all the fucking brunt like a magnet of all these people that you don't know until you're comfortable.

And once you start talking, then she goes, pairs off with someone. She knows the fucking game. This is what I was talking about earlier with Chad Shank. It's rare that you find someone that knows the entire fucking arc of the game and gets what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And I like what he said.

I don't want to like, you know. I met her when she was 21 and I think I was 40. And I look back at those pictures. It's a horrible movie. But all the actresses are like, stay away from him. Stay away from him.

I had like all these fucking hookers. He was fine. He was intrigued by all the hookers that were coming by and uh we were in the first time i met you you told this story i did with your wife oh no that story oh no the philippines hookers around the block yeah yeah well yeah i wasn't gonna i wasn't going there with that story but that you know like she wouldn't the thing that's cool about jennifer she's been around and you know she's a bit of a whore herself you know and i that's why i love her you know i like i you know she just doesn't really have any pretenses and she's she's kind of like a male version of a woman, you know, as far as, you know,

fucking and shit goes. Oh, I thought that was just a healthy camel toe. No, she, you know, I've looked back at pictures and she was fucking just young, really young. But, you know, I was married at the time she was you know i've

broken up a few marriages mostly mine but a few other ones yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i yeah well i you know i i got so many cool things that I could say, but I know how great she comes here and she takes charge in a way that only we would understand from being around. We had the fun house for the listener that has, if you've been listening, segregated for the high risk people. The fatties and the oldies and the I just get out of fucking open heart surgeries people. Mainly for football. Yeah. So last couple weeks, they didn't show up for the early games. So we took it over. So Michael, I fucking tell him to come in here.

Come into the fun house. We're no longer segregated to the fucking patio and but your wife sat out there yeah with fucking derrick and kenny yeah listening to all their jabber jawing in here so you could hang out in here and not have to put that face on of i know what you're talking about yeah she's uh's, you know, 25, 30 years. I've been married three times, and I've got a great relationship with my mother of my fourth son. And he's a great kid. They happen to live in England, which is a little bit of a drag, especially now, because I don't get a chance to go over there.

They don't come. Or you have an excuse. What're just saying excuse for not visiting your kids i would go oh now i have a great excuse yeah dog you know what you you know you see i'm an awful person inside no there's nothing about being awful but i well you'd be an awful person if you actually had kids and still fucking felt that way like me me. Yeah, we've talked about this. Yeah, I mean, you know, my children have always been, I don't know. You know, I was the guy that was kind of, you know, like when I was young, I'm like, I'm not going to have any kids. I'm going to be a bachelor.

I'm going to fuck everything inside. I'm going to like, I'm not going to get married. I'm going to like, somehow, like three marriages later five boys and you know i but i love him and like even this little monster that uh we have bisbee dashiell uh god we got into it this morning jesus christ we got into this morning he's a tough little hombre five and going on 15 and uh uh jennifer and i had to have the talk not with him with each other i'm like you have to support me more when i'm but i don't yeah i just gave away a puppy for the same reason that you can't give away dashel well on top i don't have the energy for this on top of that we have a new puppy too which you've met um And so between the two of them, I mean, it is merciless.

And Jennifer's just opened a store in town, obviously. And so she's at the store a lot. So I'm home with a five-year-old kid who scored on 15, seriously. And the puppy, who's a little bit like that. Yeah. Yeah, his puppy is tiny. it will be as big as the puppy i gave away that puppy was a year old this puppy is like two months older chewing on everything you know pissing shit and everywhere smart and um you know no it won't come when you

call i mean the whole bag you know like you're rubbing your head like jesus i fucking miss that dog so much i only had him for two and a half weeks you know what you know what i was thinking about crisis he he you had it right chad chad thank you chad had it right i thought i was just in the middle of a conversation nobody'd notice i was for the listener chad chad chad had okay chad had it right when he said to you that dog is going to be fucking work that dog is going to be a lot of work it's not just like taking him out for a walk that dog would have been fucking hell for you go ahead no no you're you're right and what i've noticed because i'm going to do this 40 days of fucking quitting drinking in two and a half weeks of having that dog where it's like almost like having a newborn like i'm sleeping with one eye

open before he chews up my shit or claws through the blinds as soon as he was gone i was still acting like he's here like before i go check the mail, oh, he's going to run out in the street. So I know in two and a half weeks of quitting smoking, I will have that same kind of sense memory. Of course. So I'm using that as a positive influence where, all right, yeah, that dog fucked with me. If I get through two and a half weeks, it will be the same with quitting smoking.

That dog had you trained. Pretty good. If I get through two and a half weeks, it'll be the same with quitting smoking. That's very... That dog had you trained, yeah. Pretty good. That's a very meditative observation because that's basically what you're doing in meditation. Oh, if you ever fucking lived in my head when I wake up at 3.30 in the morning... But what you're doing is you're assigning a label to something and recognizing it later on and just going, oh, it's that label again. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust?

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of the day is going to be? You, Mr. Fucking Clean and Soberish. Yeah. Soberish. He's like, oh, you're're really gonna do that 40 day thing how much fun will you have i go i still have edibles no well you know i the thing about uh drinking is that i and i've said it and i'm not the first person to say it uh is that stopping, quitting is easy. I've done it a hundred times, you know.

So, I mean, it's easy to fucking quit. It's hard to stay quick. I was going to say, my problem is I don't have interests to keep me busy for all those extra hours when you're not drinking. And then I was going to say, you must be like that. But no, you do have interests which segues me into your fucking website yeah oh okay it's but by the way that website is um uh it's in its infancy in infant infancy infancy you know you know you know it's just infancy yeah sure you quit drinking it's a newly born.

That's also one of the things about Michael Bean is you go, wow, that guy, he's getting pretty drunk. You go, no, he's not drinking at all. He's just fun. Well, yeah, I, there was a lot, you know, most people that are heavy drinkers will tell you that it works really well for a while and then it stops working. You know, you start off and you're spoiler alert. Yeah. I don't need to hear this kind of negativity.

Yeah. Yeah. I put it on rotten tomatoes and shut up. We're still watching the fucking thing. I have to skip back to my website. It's the only thing I can fucking promote. I'm curious about this website. I read several things on the website. I'm curious.

I don't know what it is. Tell us. I guess I don't have... Doug told me I don't have... Because, you know, I don't want... I don't know. Technology has passed me by a long time. He doesn't do social media.

Yeah, but PR hasn't passed you by. What is the name of the website? I'll set it up. Okay. Since you've done Tombstone, correct me after I'm wrong. He got a little bit fucking pissy about how they glorified the cops and fucking vilified the bad guys. So he's on a search for Ike Clinton's grave. I.

Okay. Well, okay. And that's what's going on with me right now. And that is not part of my website. My website right now consists of a story about Stanley Kubrick, the director Stanley Kubrick. Yes. Oh.

That's how this whole thing gotrick, who I despise. And the recasting of, yeah. Recasting of Timmy Colesari, who was the door gunner in Full Metal Jacket, and the way he handled it, and the way that he handled a lot of his actors. For the listener, whoever you just said, turned out to be, no, no, Arlie Ermey,

the drill sergeant, took the part of your friend yes he did and arlie and i have worked together and arlie and i and tim have worked together again and none of us really blame him for it you know because he was brought on as the um uh the the drill the uh the guy who teaches you how to march or whatever. No, but no, not the drill instructor. The guy who was supposed to teach the actors how to march, how to handle the islands. Oh, he was the crew advisor. He was the advisor, yeah.

And, but yeah, I mean, you can go to the site and I don't want to basically tell the whole story because it's on the site, but he just fucked around with this guy who's still one or two of my best friends i've known him 40 let's drunk dial him speakerphone go ahead call him up i don't know his number he's your friend what's the website never mind terrible the website he'd start fucking yamper would he oh dude man no you don't even have

you don't even have your own phone you have a new phone because you left one in a grave looking for fucking ike clanton that's true i don't have a number i'm going to go through your story as well you know that ike clanton's relatives live in tombstone now you've been in touch with them i'm sure then like then. I research the shit out of them. And his Ike Clanton sister is buried in the Bisbee graveyard. You know the name of it. Evergreen. Right by the shady dell. Her sister.

And, you know, it's probably because of COVID. But what I wanted to do was Ike Clanton's grave, it's claimed by some people that it's in a certain place. And was Ike Clanton's grave, it's claimed by some people that it's in a certain place. And when Ike Clanton's brother was killed at the shootout at O.K. Corral, everybody thinks Ike Clanton, I'll go back again, was like Stephen Lang's character in Tombstone. And that, you know, Stephen Lang's just so brilliant that even people that have written books after the movie kind of like, they act like. But anyway, Ike Clanton's brother was

killed in the shootout at OK Corral. He was buried at Boot Hill. Ike Clanton then went and dug up his father and brought him to Boot Hill so he could be buried next to his son. So when Ike Clanton died, it was murdered and or was killed. He was buried where they shot him, which is about five hours from here. And I thought it would be cool to go find his body and bring it back, because it's on the internet. It's not like it's a big fucking secret. They've got the coordinates

and all that stuff. And I talked to the mayor of Tombstone, and I talked to, you know, I talked to some CSI. What do you call that fucking shit that you get? Forensic people. Forensic people.

I got some really good forensic people. And I wanted to dig them up and I wanted to bring them back to Tombstone and bury them at Boot Hill. Nobody's been buried in Boot Hill for like 80 years. And Tombstone owns Boot Hill. And it would be just a big thing for Tombstone. It would be a big thing for, you know, it would just, you know. Well, and if he did that already for the other family, then that would be proper to carry it on.

You'd be fucking in Tombstone. You'd be so protested by Blue Lives Matter. What, digging up a grave? No, for some criminal. Well, they believe the Hollywood version, and the Hollywood version flipped the criminals. You know, the person who had the worst record in that gunfight was Wyatt Earp. Wyatt Earp.

And he was a fucking piece of shit. He was a horrible fucking piece of shit. And he was a loser. And he could never make any money. And he's married three times so was i but you know and she'd done his wife and so it takes one to know one but but but the mcclary brothers who i'm working on right now for my website they were they didn't do nothing they didn't do anything you know um there's a the original uh movie of

tombstone there's an actor who who who plays one of the mcclary brothers he's billed fifth in the movie okay built in front of bill paxton in front of the sam elliott and it's not even in the fucking movie because you know when they made movie, they decided to turn it into good guys and bad guys, not the way the original script was. Wow. But the McCleary brothers, they didn't fucking do anything. And they would talk about

all these drunks coming. They weren't from, none of those guys were from Tombstone. They would go out, they'd be on the range for like a month or two months. They'd make a bunch of money

selling their cattle. They'd go into Tombstone and fucking party. Regular days. Get a hooker, fucking get in a fight, know when we first moved here i researched too i was very interested and i researched and read actual history books about tombstone and learned all this and that was when i was like well that fucking movie is a crock of shit so this is it originally was much grayer.

There weren't so many good guys and bad guys. Yeah, it was pretty formulated. And actually, Johnny Ringo, he didn't have anything to do with the shootout at OK Corral or anything else. You know, he maybe shot somebody accidentally or, you know, supposedly the story on Johnny Ringo is he told some guy in a bar, I'll buy you a drink. And the guy goes, okay, I'll have a beer. And he goes, no, I mean a real drink. And the guy goes, no, I want a beer.

So he pulled out his gun and shot him. You know, for a guy that never really showed that kind of, people were frightened of him. But he, you know, he's really got nothing to do with the story of the Cowboys and the two Clanton brothers who really, their biggest crime, the Clantons might have been stealing cattle from Mexico. From Mexico. At that time, nobody did that shit about fucking Mexicans in Mexico. Well, they were probably stolen from the United States was the thinking. They were just stealing them back. That's right.

Everybody in Tombstone, they wanted beef. Fucking Mexicans. That's how it worked. They didn't care. It was like Al Capone. Nobody wanted him to go down. He was bringing the booze in. They didn't get him for that.

And so the original script that kevin jar wrote and was the original director of the movie was much grayer it wasn't like good guys and bad guys but throughout history because uh wyatt erp lived so long with that whore wife of his josie um like i said i like the first time it's okay to say whore, which is weird if you break it down. Oh, whore. Can I get into a trouble? Oh, no, whore. This time is fine.

Whore. Yeah. In history, you can call people anything you want if they're dead for a long time. By the way, probably not every actress that's ever lived or been out there during my tenure is a whore, but I just generally, I felt that. Joby, since you're online, you should look up the leading ladies with Michael Biehn. Oh, boy. I won't go there.

We'll put him on a lie detector. I won't go there. I won't go there. I won't go there. But you'll see who I work with. No, we'll be able to tell by the way how frantically you roll up the bar mat. You've been working like you're rolling a Cheech and Chong joint. I didn't jack off this morning, okay?

I didn't. I got to roll up something. If you roll it up too much, we know you fucked her. I don't know if Hennegan, yesterday our idea was. Yes. Because Hennegan is, he's got the box set of your aliens he knows

he goes, this would be the first time I might ever fanboy on someone because I know every line from the abyss aliens too and I thought there is a difference between the two movies I don't know if

Hennigan did his homework I go well we'll do a game show where you have three questions for you that you probably don't know about yourself and three questions for me that I don't remember about myself did you do the homework I did some homework and it wasn't that

alright so basically last time I saw you for our fucking in-depth pre-production management meeting on this particular podcast. I didn't even realize I was doing that. I was pretty fucking drunk and high, I think. So I went to bed, basically. Couldn't sleep much. And I thought, well, what would be an easy question to ask them that i only i know

the answer to yeah guaranteed only i know the answer to what's my favorite line of yours michael in the movie aliens stay frosty no um no i don't know i don't know what your favorite line is. When you pull out the shotgun. Oh, yeah, that's a good line. I say, I keep this handy for close encounters. Oh, my God! Yes! You win. Okay, Doug Stanhope.

Yeah. What is my favorite bit of yours? Oh. I remember something that I thought, that just sounds too stand upy and you go i know that's why i like it but uh the one that came to mind first was the uh the fucking uh not about third world poverty is the one that you talked me into keeping in my act. Oh. Did you get it? No. Oh, no.

No. I mean, that's a good bit. Yeah. But I thought, that sounds too stand-up comedy-like. Oh, no, that was a fucking great one. And you go, no, I like it. And I kept it. It's the- Well, it was true shit.

Kinsey and Economics. Oh, well, yeah, because I had to go to you- Consult Brian. Yes, for fucking libertarian fucking economic. That wasn't the just, I mean, that's not, I mean, I remember that aspect of it incidentally. I just loved the construction of the whole fucking bit. It took a while.

And how fucking wordy it is. And like, and I remember how much work you put into getting all the words in the right order. I love how many political fans he gained from that bit that would vote for you right now because of that. What's your favorite, Michael? What's your favorite line you've delivered? Oh, you know. I'll give you a second to think about it while i recount the story i told you when i met

bill paxton when i was fresh in hollywood with a development deal and i met bill paxton at my manager's accountant's fourth of july party and i go oh you're in my favorite movie and he kind of screwed his eyes up and said uh yeah what some gremlins or some shit he was in that was popular. And I go, no, the dark backward. And he lit up like anyone has ever seen that movie. He's like,

you saw that movie. I'm like, yeah, I'm a standup comic. Any standup comic worth their salt. So it's horrible. It's a fucking terrible movie, but,

uh, it's, it's just, the beginning is good. It's like full metal jacket. But it's... The beginning is good. It's like Full Metal Jacket. The first half is good. The second half of them without Jimmy Corseri.

Yeah, yeah. Bill Gaston licking a fucking dead hooker's body in a fucking city dump. Licking her tit. Oh, he's done worse on film. I know about some of his very early work. Okay, right.

Your favorite line. Well, in retrospect, it would probably have to come with me if you want to learn. Right? Yes. Holy shit, I just remembered something about that. What? That I was in the movie? No.

Because nobody else does. Thank Hannigan. Oh, I'm rolling that up again. I must mean I'm nervous. No, it means you want a drink, and I'm not taking you off the wagon, son. It's only been 10 years, so, you know, good luck with that one. Because that's exactly the same line that the robot says in Terminator 2. He does.

And he's the one who probably gets more people going like, oh, you said that. You know, I think that's been said. You know, I never watched any of those Terminator movies and I never watched any of those Aliens movies. But I think that Arnold, you know, said, come to me if you want to live. You know, I think he said that. And then, so, you know, every once in a while I'll get somebody to go, I think that Arnold, you know, said, come to me if you want to live. Yeah. You know, I think he said that. And then, so, you know, every once in a while I'll get somebody to go, I love that, you know, that thing that Arnold does that come with not having any idea that I was. The first movie when it came out was not a fucking blockbuster. It wasn't.

It came out. I mean, Terminator became a big movie because it came out. It pretty much died in the cinemas. And then it was during the VHS era. I'm always fascinated by this, where you go, oh, I thought that was like the biggest movie in the world. And they go, no, it died at the box office. It did okay. It was made for 6.5 and it made 40, 46, 40.

But at the time, like the same year, like Karate Kid 2, I think, made 92. Only when it got to VHS. VHS was what really – you're absolutely right. Not that many people know about that. But also Tombstone was not a movie. Not that many people are still alive at that age. I know. Terminator is the only one that I've seen,

although my wife just made me watch the newest one recently. And it was, I just tuned out because I didn't understand any of it because I haven't watched any of the ones. I only watched the first one. But that's also why I picked my first motorcycle was because the one that Arnold Schwarzenegger rides around in Was a Harley Davidson Fatboy

And that was why I liked that bike People ask me like What was it like to work with Arnold Schwarzenegger You know at the time Did you ever fuck his maid? I'm off topic No but she cleaned his house um you know was not a big movie star at that time he had done conan and uh

you know i was young i wanted to work with deniro i wanted to work pacino or dustin hoffman or jack lemon or you know like you know paul newman and that's it you know so when they brought me this project about this fucking thing that comes back from the future and it's going to be arnold schwarzenegger you know anybody who tells you i knew you know like was on that crew because you could see some retrospectives where they they look back i knew that movie. There's just no way. And even when people saw it, when my agent liked it a lot,

the same Ed Lomato, and he did an industry screening of it, and they didn't see the brilliance of Jim Cameron. And I guess maybe either did I, maybe, but I was a good friend of his.

I call him Jimbo. I'm a way better friend. Jimmy. Yeah. You know, I probably have called him James before. But, you know, when you grow up with somebody. But it was not. You'll call anyone anything in legal documents.

It was not a big hit movie. I didn't, you know, go on. Oh, Michael Peen, he's great in that movie. Let's offer him all this money. I was never that movie star, like real movie stars. Arnold was making $20 million a movie. All of those. It's a fucking cartoon.

Yeah. Well, you know. Also, Jim Cameron's previous picture before Terminator was fucking Piranha 2 Flying Danger or something. For Roger Corman. And I think he's probably somewhat proud of that movie. I'm sure he is. I know that Gale Hurd was also involved in that. But the point being that he wasn't coming from some exalted previous film.

The point is, is all these, like Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs down, right? Are you serious? Aliens, they gave one begrudging thumb. It ends up getting seven Academy Award nominations or 12 Academy Award nominations. Yeah. One begrudging thumbs up, the fat guy,

and the other dead guy was one thumbs down. Motherfuckers. Well, you know. You remember when that used to matter i know yeah yeah but now yourself is angry now it's kind of so i just i told you this doug i think i said i believe that tom cruise leonardo uh maybe tom hay the last movie stars there will never be movie stars anymore because there's so much content that's a porn star there's never going to be another porn they can cycle them out while they're still hot

yeah i've never youtube stars now i've never been one of those people that could name oh she's my favorite you know like i you know i'd like everybody else i could when i was 14 which which of the charlie's Angels is the hottest? And now, who's a hot chick in movies? I don't know. I only had one that I ever knew her name and that was Jenny Augeter. Jenny Augeter?

Who's now called the midwife? That was because I fell absolutely in love with her as a very young man in an American werewolf in London. John Landis, great movie. Have you ever seen Walkabout? No, but I will now. I'm still in love with her. I'm surprised that film's still

legal. Really? Yes, because... I'll watch that when my wife's away then. Yeah, let her know to get ready after you watch it. It's the same director that went... It's the same director Nicholas Roge that made Don't's the same director, Nicholas Roge, that made Don't Look Now. Yes, I think it is.

You've seen Don't Look Now? No. I don't know the movie. He saw it last night, but he doesn't remember. He's in English. I don't remember very much. I know his name. If you brought up his credits like the

most uh like these shows like this or somebody sitting in a computer oh yeah no are you talking about the one i'm into now the oh and you're talking about it recently i woke up at 3 30 in the morning now i'm on this weird fucking schedule. I went to bed before 8. I woke up at 3.30 and I started on Netflix, The Queen's Gambit. And I just finished five out of seven episodes of this. See, here's the point, my point. I never heard of it. And I mean, there's so many shows that are going into their third or fourth season. I'm like, fuck, I'm kind of in the business, kind of still a little bit and i never even heard of them i never you know there's so much content out there now that

um it's just hard it's just hard to ever get yeah it's flooded with hennegan was just talking about this guy that wrote the man who fell to Earth. Yeah, so the book, Queen's Gambit, I remember I read the book The Queen's Gambit when I was fucking 15 and I'm almost fucking 40. And so the... Thanks.

You don't look it. I said I'm drunk. I was saying that. I was mimicking to him I'm drunk. Okay, so the point is, it's an old book. It's written by a guy called Walter Tevis who also wrote The Hustler. Oh yeah.

And he also wrote George C. Scott, a friend of mine. Great guy. And he also wrote The Man Who Fell to Earth. So he wrote these three iconic novels I like like i think like a decade apart each one and still no one knows his name he's like charles portis who wrote true grit no one knows who the fuck charles portis is but if you read true grit it basically the coen brothers

did what they did with uh no country for old men they filmed the fucking book that's great that's my ted talk tonight oh no no no no brian brian brian come back because this is what started the whole shit and i got you off topic yeah and uh greg chaley always the best producer whispered in my ear i love you you were talking shit about stanley kubrick where this fucking filthy uncut Scotsman just raves about fucking 2001 A Space Oddity has anybody in here seen that? no, I've seen it

tell me what it's about well, it's not really about anything okay have I fucking, is that wait, wait, wait you've seen it in the sense that humanity is not much about anything Have I fucking, is that? Wait, wait, wait. Forget this. He's seen it. Wait a minute. In the sense that humanity is not much about anything.

Is that all you got? Oh, I'm sorry. I just fucking drilled you from three yards, bitch. Okay? No one that's listening to this, that was a great fucking line, wasn't it? Thank you. That's my TED talk. Listen, listen i i never understood

that movie i i just never understood it so i i like movies that i understand that i kind of know the beginning the middle of the end the good guys the bad guys that thing was just i don't necessarily understand the end but i don't think it matters well what then what did you enjoy about it's got no fucking story wait but michael i also think that i don't necessarily understand the end of no country for old men and i love it yeah well at least it had a little bit of a storyline going in i mean right yeah but okay well the storyline is this how exciting is it to find a fucking giant black oblong thing every few thousand decades? Isn't that exciting?

I mean, what more do you need from a geometric thriller? I don't think you're selling the fucking movie. Okay. Listen, Stanley Kubrick made a movie called Dr. Strangelove. Yes, great movie. With George C. Scott and Peter Sellers. And that movie is... Your close personal friend, George C. Scott. Strangelove. Yes. Great movie. With George C. Scott and Peter Sellers. And that movie is- Your close personal friend, George C. Scott.

That's right. I wasn't close friends with him, but just- But you have to lie at some point. I only have you and Johnny Depp, so I'm hyping it. A big fucking pig difference there. Not in our eyes. Oh, you guys are so sweet. Oh, boy. Oh, you make are so sweet. Oh, boy.

Oh, you make me feel so nice. What is the fucking... Dr. Strangelove. Stanley Kubrick. Well, yes, Dr. Strangelove is a brilliant movie. If anybody's got that in their top ten movies of all time, I got no problem with that. It's after that that, you know, and this being one of them, 2001 Space Odyssey, you know, the one with the Groogs and that fucking thing.

Yeah, the Clockwork Orange. I agree. I wouldn't know where. Clockwork Orange is annoying because it's the one that every, let's call it, ordinary person knows. And it's not really his most impressive film. And Full Metal Jacket is a brilliant half of a movie. When Vincent Ophir blows his fucking head off,

right up to that point, it's fucking going. The end. 100% agreed. Right. And the rest of it just kind of meanders around. And he treated his people so fucking horribly. Everybody wanted to work with Stanley Kubrick, Stanley Kubrick. And he treated everybody like garbage,

like yesterday's business didn't pay him nothing. He was cheap cheap he was a fucking scumbag but you know and you know and you're looking like eyes wide shut it's the only way you can watch that fucking movie you know i don't like it i don't there are a couple of your fucking zingers over the course of this podcast it made me think, this is what it must have been like to be on Johnny Carson. Because you're fucking zipping them out. It's great. Zipping them out.

Kubrick's worst work for me was Paul Blart Mall Cop. That wasn't his best. He knew it. He did that for the money. He did that for the money. He did that for the money. It was adapted from a very difficult Nabokov novel. Paul Blart, Metaphysical Nun. And they had to change it for the American market.

Americanize it. Yeah. I think that was actually a question I had for you. What? Just on the patio for football was, you're a fan of stand-up comedy. And I go, who's the one guy that we would hate that you said you really like? And you said Kevin James. Am I?

No, you fucking totally wrong. No, that was somebody else. I didn't even know you were. Yeah. I hate to say this, but you're mistaking Michael Bean for Justine Bateman. Happens all the time, Doug. That was Justine Bateman. Never a sentence I thought I'd say in my life, by the way.

My memory's not as good now that I'm 64 years old gender recognition is a little off too hey you know what at some time you drop all these cliches of gender and you go do i want to fuck my guest and i'm gonna go yes wait really now are you talking not now i'm a little drunk are you talking about her it's not you I'm a little drunk. Are you talking about her? It's not you. It's me. I can't get it up right now. Oh, there's no her, Michael. Can you get it up at all? Oh, yeah, yeah. You still can?

Yeah, with drugs. Did you think I was here for my win? I'm just here to hold you down later. Now that we've clarified that you can't kick ass like a Navy SEAL in real life. Stop it! Stop that word! Stop it! Scream all you want. There's no recording going on.

We are going to have somebody else to hold your mouth to. I don't want to squeal like a pig! We just bought the microphones. We don't actually have a podcast. Nothing's plugged in. That's okay. It's always fun coming over here anyway.

I laugh all the time. We're supposed to have all that fucking Thai food from Bingo's birthday over here. They brought it over. It's inside. Yeah, they brought it in because there's no way to cook it in here. Heat it up. I went to Jimmy's

Hot Dogs before we came here. I wanted to give them a shout out on the podcast. Michael gives that an oofah. Well, it's one of those meals that you have in Bisbee. It's a very famous hot dog stand. I went to it once, and I think I ordered three hot dogs. It's the banks of Bisbee. You can't order a hot dog without getting fries, too.

And I'm like one of those guys who doesn't like wasting food and shit. So I powered down those hot dogs, ate one of the fries, and I was fucking feeling like garbage for, you know. And I watched other people, and they're just shoveling that shit in and of course they're all fucking huge and fat nope I'm not supposed to say that I'm all huge and fat and I'll tell you right now I have the Chicago dog and they're very messy

I shoved in as much as I could as fast as I could and whatever fell I didn't eat which is a lot if you've ever eaten a Chicago dog the Chad dog let's keep the gay tone going And whatever fell, I didn't eat, which is a lot. If you've ever eaten a Chicago dog, if you're not careful. Let's keep the gay tone going. Because when you said, I ate the whole hot dog, you made a hand motion like you were fucking sucking cock.

Have you ever seen me eat a hot dog? Oh, it's hot. Only in my dreams. Oh, yeah. Relish dripping down my beard To be fair, when you're eating a Chicago dog The only thing falling out is vegetables Or vegetable-like

Well, it's one of the dogs squirted out And then I didn't get the fries I got the chips Which they give you a significantly smaller amount of fries in a different fashion. And that bag is sitting unopened in my saddlebag right now. So how many did you have? How many did you eat? I ate one hot dog.

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that's the way you should go about a place like that. Jesus Christ, I couldn't imagine eating more. Three is like a food competition. Yeah, it was pretty rough. Yeah, it was kind of rough. I'm going to hammer through these. Fuck, I don't even know.

You know what? I'm not. Your ads? No, all these cutouts. People are sending us these cutouts, and we have like fucking 30 of them now. But they send these. Yeah, I heard you talking about this in the last one. Yeah, but this is like 5 pages of fucking

copy just thank you to everyone thank you to everyone who sent cutouts we'll have them in keep a look out on social media for your face give the plug of the place that's shindigs is well no it's not all shindigs

kit pick list yeah it's not all I'lligs. It isn't? Kit pick list. All right. Yeah, it's not all. I'll put it in the show notes of the preferred vendors for the cutouts. Just like you watched the fucking or watched the MLB. I don't think NFL is doing any of these cardboard cutouts. No. But I fucking love the fact that we can fill most of the seats around here. Keep sending them because we have a lot of seats around here.

We have Gary Coleman. Someone sent to Jeffrey Dahmer. But yeah, send yourself. We get a lot of yourselves. If there's a Gilligan back there. Two of you might have made a love connection because I needed a seat the other day. So I introduced a gentleman to a lady that was sitting next to me, and they sat in the same seat the whole time

I was here. So you never know what's going to happen. Yep. And all of them will be out in the yard and everywhere here during Super Bowl, if there's a Super Bowl this year. That will be the Super Bowl party. Everyone's going to be so excited for 2020 to be over,

only to realize it's still going. And the Steelers are in the Super Bowl. No, no, that won't happen. Steelers just got COVID. Yeah. That's strategic. Good. That's strategic. They can strategic they can say hey we need three weeks off they can still lose

and still be in the fucking playoffs give us a couple we want all our buys up front we need a couple weeks off by the way I hate to be a fucking PR party pooper what is the name of your fucking website Michael

settinghistorystraight.com be a fucking PR party pooper. What is the name of your fucking website, Michael? Settinghistorystraight.com Settinghistorystraight.com And it's S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T that kind of straight. And like I said, the whole tombstone, I've got an article about my friend Stanley Kubrick and then I've got an article about

the making of tombstone because a book came out and it was on the making of Tombstone. And he didn't really have the facts right. So I wrote a story about the making of Tombstone, what happened in that movie, why it happened, and who really directed it. Because people ask me a lot about, did Kurt Russell really direct that? And previously, I always just said he didn't fucking direct me. But he's a great guy, by the way. And I talk about him a lot when I wrote the piece.

The movie was really, I feel, directed by Kevin Jarre, who was fired four weeks in. Some movies, they just fall together and you don't need a director. It's like you don't- Not when you have a great cast. You know, a football team can play without- Think about a football team without a coach. You got a quarterback who knows the thing. You don't need a fucking have a great cast. Think about a football team without a coach. You got a quarterback. You don't need a fucking coach.

Always thought that, especially basketball, where I think they can do this themselves. Here's our strategy, gang. Yeah, no shit, dude. Pass it to me. That's the strategy. They've been doing it since there were three. Yeah.

Old white guy comes in. I'll help you. Directing is the same way. A movie can get made with even with, you know, if you've got a great director, it's going to be better. But if you've got no director at all,

the movie could still get, still get made. And that was just a happy accident. We're, we're going to leave this podcast. Okay. And we're going to make our own movie on my phone if you know how to hit the record button. I don't even know how to call you. I know.

You have a new phone. I don't have it. I prefer to go through your wife. Make a movie. Yeah, we can do it. You know, they have film festivals that I know you want to, I can tell you want to win. No, is that something from history? What?

Film history. Film festivals aren't happening They have film festivals on what you film on your shit Or like 24 or 48 hour film festivals, our friend has one up in Anchorage where you get they do a theme

and they have little things that you're supposed to put in there but they give 48 hours for a filmmaker to actually do everything. And in 48 hours, they actually have a theater that they put it in. It seems like a – Oh, that's cool. I mean, that's amazing. And that's – when I grew up, I didn't have the ability to have a phone that made movies. I had to choose something

and in my case it was acting, but you were either this or this or this. Now any child can make a movie and continue making movies, but again, there's so much product out there. If your child starts making movies, it's going to be upskirt of your wife. What?

Whoa! Dashiell, he's a weird kid. I see some weird shit in Dashiell. If he's a weird kid I see some weird shit in Dashiell if he's making TikTok movies it's upskirt of your or the babysitter who is also our mate that's probably better

he's a horny little five year old there's no doubt about that is that going to be your defense he's not a defense. He's my son. He's genetically horny. You don't know he's your son. I take umbrage at that.

Cupid fucked your wife. How dare you? Throw my wife in a... Yeah, no. He's a lot like me. And I got to fucking look after him for the next uh 10 years oh my god that fucking kid came over and i was i was racing him down the fucking driveway in a shopping cart or something and then when he came back he's like i want to do that

again i don't really have the wind for that because it's a seven percent grade here's the thing i put a dog mattress in the shopping cart that we have here for whatever reason i stole a shopping cart uh and then i was racing him up and down that well i i was over here just a couple months six weeks ago whatever and and you know i don't want to bring my kid over here. But, you know, I had to get him, pick him up from the babysitter or whatever. And I didn't really want to bring him in. And someone's like, oh, Doug's really good with children. He doesn't really like infants very much.

No, that was a lie. He's very – He's a whole bit on not bringing children to the party. Well, I know. I know. I know. But he was begging me to, right? I was.

Okay. So, I mean, so I did because I told him some stories about Dashiell, who's a very unique kid who I love to fucking death. Unique. I really love him to death. I love all my children, but he's really special. But he came over here. I met him on FaceTime when I was over here a couple of weeks ago.

There you go. Stan Hope was talking to him on FaceTime. Here's the deal is that somebody that we're sitting there watching football is oh doug's really good with like you know little kids you know not not infants and i'm like okay well we'll see what happens we'll see how he deals with it so doug goes over to him and you know there's a little feeling out process and then doug fucking goes i'll pay you fucking money to take this stick and hit as many people as you possibly every time you hit somebody that's here i'm gonna give you two dollars and my son's eyes lit up and he

was like how come you're not my father and he took that stick out and i think he made 13 or 14 bucks that and ever since then he's like when are we going back to Doug's? I want to go back to Stanhope's. I swear to God. I saw them at the farmer's market on Saturday. And Jennifer, your wife, said, I saw you in Safeway, but I didn't want to approach you because you were leaving. I was coming in. And so she told me that i'm like yeah just say hi uh and then i saw him at the farmer's market and she said hi and i realized oh that's jen because everyone's got face masks on so you have

to fucking judge by the eyes all right and she said and then you were there And then your kid was there And your puppy's there And I'm like I can't fucking do this at 8.49 in the morning You weren't good You really weren't too good I was terrible I was fucking awful I gave you like a weird hug And then the kid was there

Afterwards Something between like a chest bump And a Maybe he fell. Maybe he fell and you caught him. I'm not sure. I was surprised he was awake because it was like 9.30 in the morning. But no, you were...

No, the kid has been fantastic because he shows up at the end of football for 15 minutes and then we have to race him around in shopping carts. And give him money to beat people. Yeah. I actually had another gimmick. No wonder why he's good with children. Fucking a dollar to do something else this last time.

Spitballs. McKenzie from Bird Cloud. Oh yeah, McKenzie from Bird Cloud was here. I wish she had her own fucking twitter so we could promote her i don't want to do that twitter anymore but does bird coach exist no no no you can still it's still bird cloud usa is the twitter and they still sell their material but but she she taught dashiell how to or she was going around he knew how to i've already told him that yeah it's a bit ball thing but he was just going but it's like you're not too stealth at this you're like

two feet away from someone and spit on him it's like i'm looking right at you as you raise a straw and i put my hand up in front of the straw and it's like you don't get a dollar for this one i blocked it. He's not as good as me. So that's that I can say. Eventually you're going to be on a parallel. You'll be so old and you'll be so young. I know. You're both retarded.

No, I know. It's happening sooner than I was. But he's an amazing child. He's an amazing child. He's an amazing kid. And I can... Anyway. I love him. He did it, finally.

He's crying. Oh, fuck, I love him so much. And my wife, I love her so much. This is the crying sounds of a man that knows he's going to have to be diapered soon. Hey, bring it on, man. You know, I've done enough fucking diapers in my life. Somebody can fucking start doing it to me, and I'll be just fine with it. Yep, get it.

Yep, go up a little higher. You missed a spot. I don't, you know. You missed the purple mud bunion. That's it. Shout out to Chad Shank. Brian Hennigan. Walt.

Great, Shaley, go ahead. I was just going to say the closing statements. The thing about, you know, diapers is that

parents, you know, when you don't really know what's going on with children, you think, oh, once they're fucking out of diapers, it's all over.

No, you got to fucking wipe their ass for another two years afterwards because so their little arms aren't long enough and they've been not coordinated enough never thought of they'll be incompetent at it until they're ready and you have to deal with it anyway yeah jennifer told doug how we do it with uh with uh dashiell which is uh he gets off the toilet and he's just like you know touch your fucking toes jennifer said he was doug was a little freaked out by that it's pretty gross it sounds kind of boy scoutish i you know i've been i've been i've been a caregiver and stuff in my life with people and yeah that's why i always call it a plumber.

Once you decide to have kids, you just give up any sort of dignity in that area at all. Of course. Of course. Well, anything you do a couple hundred times, you get really good at and efficient at. I've done caregiving as well. At first, yeah, it's crazy. And then you realize, wait, there's a better way to do this. I want to get in and out quick. Well, then that's where it becomes

how efficient you are at teaching the kid to wipe their own ass as soon as they're able to. There's a time where they're not able to, so you're just stuck doing it. I'm not sure how much of your demographic you have left to lose, Doug. I think this is... We're all demographic you have left to lose, Doug. I think that she's...

We're all headed there. We're all headed there. When my dad was fucking dying of colon cancer, my brother fucking called me up. I just had to wipe dad's ass after surgery. I go, just stop calling me. You get the house.

Don't... I don't need to know this. I got mother, you got dad. I got my resume, real estate agent. Wait, a real estate agent doesn't give away a house. If they're generous, they do. I'm

fucking hammered. I'm not unhammered. I'm pretty hammered. I'm not unhammered. I'm pretty hammered. Bean is the only sober guy here, and he doesn't seem to fucking be a guy in control of this fucking thing. He seems better than I am. He's not repulsed by us being drunks. That's weird. No, I don't, you know, I can't remember.

Like, it's, you know, I told you about my friend George C. Scott, man. You never knew that guy was fucking. I did a show with him. He'd drink up... I think it was... It wasn't a... It was bigger. A tankard?

It was like a quart or something like that. A tankard? Yeah, a tankard. Yeah, it had one of those fucking handles on it. It was vodka. And he'd fucking start at the beginning of the day, and he would drink the whole fucking bottle. He fucking never fucking knew that he was even drinking.

I think it caught up. That's like the man who can't be named over here, your Jewish lawyer. Is he the guy that you kept talking about, the guy that can't be named? Why is he not supposed to be? He's got a straight job. He's got a straight job.

No, but he has a, we gave him a name based on his favorite football team. Oh, yeah. Washington team that can't be named. Michael, if you want to say my goddamn name in a podcast, you can do that. on his favorite football team. Oh, yeah. Washington team that can't be named. No. Michael, if you don't want to say my goddamn name on a podcast, you can't do that. I mean, it'd be Dave. Raiders!

Raiders! My favorite weather lady. Probably both of them. Was it you that stopped me from doing this? Well, I told you 17 times you were perfectly allowed to say my name. No, no, no. I'm talking about my favorite weather lady

don't you let the bit fucking play out man if the listeners remember Jeff Beamish was the one that got me blocked from all of KVOA you got all of us blocked but the new weather lady no not April.

Madison. No, she's new. No, this KBOA. Shay Sorensen. I paused it when she was on profile and I watched it. Because most of the station has blocked me.

And if you see her in profile, she looks just like the Washington Redskins old logo oh no yeah it was me that stopped me yeah it was you that stopped me why can't you do it this time

it takes a village to stop me from but she does really look like the old Washington Redskins logo that is I should just leave. Wait, did Washington just change the names to the team or some dumb shit? The Washington football team.

I wonder how many fucking heads it took to get on. It's a very Bauhaus movement. They're clear. It's the first sports organization in the world to adopt

a Bauhaus attitude to naming themselves they're from Washington they are a football team there you go yeah well they probably figured they couldn't

offend anybody that way either you know I know but I see you're looking on the negative I'm looking on the positive Anthony Siciliano

and I'll give a plug to fucking Anthony Siciliano, who does Red Zone. And I remember early on in Red Zone, have you watched Red Zone, where they just keep cutting to there's no commercials in football. They do every football game that's going on. And, all right, they're in the 20-yard Red Zone, and this guy's – I tweeted him, what kind of fucking crank are you on? And he replied. He's very good.

He does the commentary for all the games at the same time? All of them. Oh, shit. No, the highlights. The highlights. But it's live. It's happening live. It's going –

Clips. They're just going to the highlights of each one. So he does that for fucking eight hours a day. Okay, now we're going to fucking Houston. Texans are in the red zone. Okay, we're going to go split screen. Okay, now we're going to go three screens. It's fucking crazy.

But he referred to them as the Washington football group. He's fucking brilliant and he's got giant ears it makes it sound like a terrorist organization which some people would argue they are is your wife coming to pick you up or what's going on i can find my way home this this time i think no she made me fucking schedule this. I know. What time is it? What time is it?

It's 3.10. She said 4.15 is her. Right? Or 4.30 or something like that? 4.15. Yeah. Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

No, I got my car. I drove over here. I've got one of those, you know, of course, like everybody else, I've got one of those computers to tell me that, you know, where to go and that I'm a dumb shit if I turn this way or if I turn that way. I drove him to the circle because he couldn't figure out how to get towards Tombstone, which is old Bisbee. And I drove him. I go, just follow me, which he forgot as he's walking out the fence. And I go, no, hang on.

Let me go grab the shit you left last time. The beans are good at fucking forgetting shit. Their dog's leash, their kid's jacket, his wallet. He left his wallet. Particularly when it comes to paying. Boom. My wallet's gone again. Oh, it's gone again?

Oh, yeah. And it has been for a while. Well, let's check the same chair. I thought you were kidding when you said that No, no, no He left his wallet one time And I think it was Olivia Grace that found it And so I plugged some of my shit

Into his wallet Like my United Freaking flyer You know what And this is, you know I mean, Doug's obviously a fucking brilliant comedian and that would have been funny if i'd had my fucking glasses on and would have gone like oh that's not mine i just picked up and went like yeah fucking i don't need this and just fucking on you know

i was just deciding that was the time to clean out my wallet and anything but and i couldn't see what i was ripping up so i didn't get it i. I didn't go like, oh, my God, how did Doug's fucking, yeah, I don't get it. You know? Two free drinks on Southwest. Kiss those goodbye. Two free drinks on Southwest. I'd like to thank the man that cannot be named Joby Whitlock Go Raiders!

From the At Twitter At Twitter At DSCDP.com Runs the Can you check to see how many people Have Michael Bean Yeah yeah earlier today I checked that

And? Oh nobody has Michael Bean. Yeah, yeah. Earlier today I checked that. And? Nobody has Michael Bean. No, because... But I haven't tried to take him off the wagon yet. Not a high risk. I'm not really a high risk, actually. No, no, no. You look great and...

And he's not a spike pick in any way. You are a spike pick. Everyone loves you. I'm not a what? A spike pick. That's the people we hate that we just pick hoping they'll die. And what do they call them? Spike pick. A spike? Spike That's the people we hate that we just pick hoping they'll die. What do they call them? Spike pick.

A spike? Spike. Spike. Out of spike. Spike. Oh, spike. Okay, I got it. Yeah.

The hearing's going to along with everything else. Yeah, I know. I fucking try to drag you out of that because I have that same problem. So when it gets a cacophony out there or in here and i see your face go i don't know what you're saying with the musician the other day he always takes forever to end from what i've i take forever to start. Come on, Doug.

Michael Bean. Michael Bean. Brian Hennigan. At Mr. Hennigan. At Chad Shank. Oh, no. At HD Fatty. Sorry.

HD. Got a huge space for his motorcycle out there. All right. Let's just talk shit about Chaley while he's pissing. Or Michael Bay. I read the story. We're supposed to have all that Thai food over here. I read the story in Sean Connery's obituary where he said that, it's one of these apocryphal stories, but during the

filming of The Rock, Michael Bay came over and said, tried to give him some acting direction and Sean Connery said, why don't you just go and blow up some trains? I die. Yeah. You said Michael Bay

so softly that it could have been Michael Bane or Bay did you say did you lose your phone or your foam seriously Michael it's definitely his best movie it is just so light on his

feet it doesn't hammer. It's like he didn't have the budget to do what he wanted to do necessarily and therefore he did what he had to do. And it's great. Everyone fucking in it is great. And Nicholas, what I would always say to him too is when I see him. Trail this out, J. Lee.

I always say to him like, Michael, I'm in your best movie and I'm in the best fucking scene in the fucking movie. Oh, yeah. Stand down. That's right. Okay. Here's an interesting observation.

Okay. Take us out, Bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់� here's okay sorry yeah hang on this is a twitter beef you had with someone which is and i want to i genuine and, and you were, people were so fucking, some people were dismissive. Like, because I am like, Con Air is Nicolas Cage's best movie. And Leaving Las Vegas, go fuck yourself. It is self-indulgent twat.

And yeah, I just can't. Like, even The Rock is better than fucking leaving Las Vegas. Con Air is the best.