The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #420: Prison Sober Tips with Bobby Caldwell (40 for 40 - Day 05)

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Day 5 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking) and Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell calls in to offer some prison tips on staying sober.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 1st, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set. If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello, this is a prepaid call from a prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections Parnell Facility. If you feel you are being victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GTL Customer Service at 855-466-2832. To accept this call, press 0 to receive. Your current balance is $28.78. This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring

and recording. Thank you for using GTL. Hey. Bobby. Bobby. Hey. Oh, multiple. Bobby, yeah, you're with the Traleys. Hello. Oh, my fave.

Well, one of them. I'll let you figure it out. The one with the vagina. Aw. Wait, which one? Hey, how you guys doing? Just a charmer. Just out the gates, just charming people.

Day five here. Yeah, the first four days went swimmingly, and today I was very cranky and just could not get any kind of motivation. Yeah, that four days of meth head energy just left. Sneaking out. So how about you? Did that prison riot ever happen?

No, it didn't. We fucking tucked tail like a bunch of cowards. This is what happens when you're in Candyland, like level one bullshit. The last joint I was at, there was like a full, it was actually on the news, it was Penroth's Correctional Facility,

if anyone wants to look it up, it was a couple years ago. Just tore that place up, burned down units and shit. There's lifers there, you know what I mean? I prefer jailing or. There's lifers there, you know what I mean? I prefer jailing or doing time around lifers because they're willing

to go tear shit up before being mistreated. Here, all these guys are trying to go home. Weren't they going to tear shit up because they were tearing shit up? Wasn't it a construction issue that was the beef? Wordplay? Absolutely. Absolutely, that's what it was they were like uh

there's really like there's nothing on i'm looking at the yard we're not allowed to go on and there's no reason i can't they're all and i'm saying unit extras they're all locked up but yeah they uh man we just we just it sounded good last night i mean I mean yesterday. Yeah, you were talking like this could break at any moment. Well, people were talking, and then apparently that's all they were willing to do. I grabbed some guys and was like, what's up? Let's just go outside right now. Let's go get on the phone. Wait, was it outside or outside of yourselves?

Is it the yard? Yeah Is it like the yard? Oh, no, we were... Yeah, it's the yard. Like, right now I'm outside where the phones... Where more of the phones are and shit. It's fucking Michigan in winter. Yeah, I know, but this is... Yeah, it's fucking freezing out here right now.

But this is the place... I mean, that... I'm telling you, that unit is just... Inside the housing unit is just so fucked. It's so loud and just shitty and cold. When it rains here, just listen to the fucking, the wonderful institution of the Michigan Department of Corrections. In a 97-year-old building. When it rains, they have to wheel out all the mop buckets like a goddamn march brothers movie or what is

that just and just catch fucking rain while chunks of concrete fall from the ceiling five stories up and they have to cordon it off with like instead of a police tape it's like toilet paper like rolled out around chairs and shit like don't walk here there's a part of me that i swear to god it's like oh i hope one of these just clips me not enough to kill me just to really damage me so they're willing to either settle with a lot of cash or just like let's just let's just let them out we played that gig yeah back in the green room that was actually in Bisbee. It's an old American Legion that we kind of semi-refurbished just to do one show, and there was chunks of ceiling.

Andy Andrus got hit in the head backstage before he went on by a chunk of ceiling. But, yeah, there was no chance of a lawsuit there. That was the only funny thing Andy Andrus did that night. Yeah, probably. Well, I mean, funny if you weren't there kind of way.

His stories are always funny unless you're the one that's paying the security deposit. Or having to find another hotel. Yeah. Or call your mom to find another hotel. Yeah. Or call your mom to be bonded out of jail. It's all fun and games when it's in a book.

Can you smoke in there? Can you smoke cigarettes anywhere? No, no. And it's not like, hey, this isn't good for you guys. Like, we're going to take this. Hey, we're tired of paying your goddamn hospital bill. You know what I mean? People with emphysema and shit.

They got rid of it in 2008. Were you smoking then? I wasn't in here then. But I got here, like, right a couple years after they got rid of it. And there were still people that had old Bugler pouches. I was working maintenance. Yeah, by hand rolls. But they also had, you could buy, the real rich guys would buy actual box cigarettes, Newports and all that.

You could buy black and mild. You'll still find little black and mild plastic tips laying around and cigarette butts every now and again. Because I know you were confused when we talked yesterday. You thought when I said I was not smoking, you thought it was weed. And I wonder how many people think that when I say I'm quitting smoking. They think weed. Yeah, I assume that. And then when you said i'm like oh shit yeah i was saying like oh that's easy weed's easier to quit but like cigarettes jesus christ i didn't

know i had a newfound respect for you i was like oh shit are you gonna be okay like cigarettes dude holy shit why are you doing that sir what what were you i know you're a painkiller guy what were your other uh tricks and gimmicks on the outside oh shit i was using yeah are you or booze yeah yeah i drank um what was your drink um well it was like originally started out like cognac and shit i threw up like on some like real urban type shit. So it was like Hennessy and stuff. And then I quickly graduated to a triple distilled, the red,

the red top Smirnoff vodka. And, uh, it was never like, I never drank mixed drinks. I would walk around. Did you just say triple distilled Smirnoff? Are you getting product placement?

Is that a sponsor? Triple distilled Smirnoff? Are you getting product placement? Is that a sponsor? Triple distilled. If it's not the right cap, it's not good. I'm holding on to a bottle right now. I'm reached under the bar for, this is like low rent, low shelf, platinum brand, seven times distilled, extra smooth vodka. Yeah, that's $13.99 a handle. Not a fifth, a handle.

Oh, yeah, classy. Yeah, so. Wow. That comes with a rag to stuff in it to make a Molotov cocktail. Yeah, I used to drink. Molotov cocktail. Yeah. I, I see. I used to drink.

See, here's my issue. I was never, now that I'm like, um, I've done a lot of mental fucking maintenance shit and like got my head screwed on. I like, I get the concept of like social drinking, but in the past it was like,

well, let's see how fast I can get this in my fucking face. And then I don't know, be ridiculous. I understand social alcoholism where people who want to go, hey, oh no, you get to fucking try this. It's like 190 proof. It's going to get you fucked up immediately. You won't be able to see your feet.

Well, why would I want to do that? I want to be drunk over a long period of the night. I want to start at five. I want to go to bed at 1130. I don't want to do that I want to be drunk over a long period of the night I want to start at five I want to go to bed at 11 30 I don't want to do that I still want to be that fucked up at the end but I don't want a shortcut yeah and I was like the other guy I think but mine was well mine was to no end you know what I mean I was just like oh I don't like being in my head so let's just fucking pour liquor on it. That works out. But you have made me genuinely,

and I'm not like saying this to be funny, like genuinely made me like take another look at like a plotted out. We're like, Oh, as ridiculous as it sounds like a disciplined approach to alcoholism. What I mean? We're like, no,

I like, maybe that's the title of the book. I'm five days in. I'm already going to start selling TED Talks. I'm writing them out. It's a series. You graduate into that. Oh, do you want to make it to day six?

Well, it's like Scientology. You have to pay again for the day six lesson right and it's yeah so uh yeah i was uh me and you have talked about this before about like i was gonna ask hang on i was gonna ask do you remember the first time you got drunk yeah i absolutely well yeah i remember the first time I got drunk, I was 12 years old playing pool with my stepdad and my mom's stepdad, just a family tradition. And they were playing pool. And I ran out of Coke. Not the fun kind of Coke, I was still young. coke not the fun kind of coke i was still young and uh i just they weren't really paying they were drunk enough to where they were like i'm like hey i'm out and they didn't want to take me up to get more fucking soda so i think i'm just gonna pour a little bit of beer and they were like okay and then they just looked over eventually and i was playing pool and i was

lightheaded and i got a buzz and i was like holy shit i think i'm drunk and they were like all right we got to get them out of here and it it was, I remember the distinct feeling like, this is fun. And it's just, next thing you know, I'm in prison. What's yours? It wasn't on your, I don't think it was in any of your books. Yeah, I think it was in the first book. That's why I'm doing this, because it was 40 years ago uh the 27th of november hello uh yeah yeah no it was uh i'm digging a mother book yeah it was 1980 uh uh night before

thanksgiving that year was november 26 27 uh and that was the day the big kids invited me out to let them go drink with them. So they said, what do you want? Because they were going to have someone buy for them. And Reuniti wine was always advertised on TV. So I said, Reuniti red wine because it looked like it tasted like fruit punch. And they got me white, so I just fucking sucked it up and drank three quarters of the bottle and was fucking hammered. How old were you?

Thirteen. Shit, you were young. Yeah, you were young. And then I smoked a Marlboro Red and almost fucking collapsed, like under my, like, like Rock'em Sock'em Robots. No, no, no. What's the one where the fucking legs go goofy? Yeah. The little hand. The little toy one where the fucking legs go goofy? Yeah. The little toy that you push to the bottom.

Push to the bottom and the joints all go loose. 40 years later, the only thing that's changed is the liquor. Yeah, yeah. I would never drink white wine now. Not with all the other choices. Well, you were doing this 40 for 40 where you're not smoking and drinking and for i for a brief second i toyed with the idea of like i wonder if i could get drunk for 40 days in a row in here and i'll be that's way too expensive yeah there's way too i swear to god you go blind yeah this shit. This shit is poison. I drank twice on LOP.

It was just safe in the stainless. Does anyone in any of the institutions you've been in, was there anyone that made this stuff just to sell it that didn't drink it? Oh, that's all that's happened. All right. Was there anyone that was ever like a connoisseur, not a connoisseur, but a, uh, like a fucking, like a breaking bad meth head? Like, oh, that guy's got the best shit.

Yeah. So the main shit we, if we had known this when we were 13 and 12, um, I just feel like all you need to make alcohol is orange juice and sugar. That's like the bottom shelf shit. That's what everyone uses, right? Orange juice, sugar, you get it going. And then about five days later, depending on how warm it is, you got something that's pretty strong. Like if you fill a peanut butter jar up and drink it, it's like a pretty strong mixed drink.

Like three or four of those and you're verging on like, you know, you're pretty fucked up. But some people will take potatoes out of the chow hall and slice them and then you got to heat them up and shit and they'll make it out of that. And there's been people that even distill it. So you're like drinking, I call it white lightning and shit. So, yeah, there's a few. We got a couple minutes left, but over the next whenever, put together like a recipe.

You need two and a half cups of this, three slices of that, so we can do that on an upcoming Issues with Bobby or 40 for 40 with Bobby and Doug. Yeah, absolutely. I can't wait to do that. I've actually tried to get my mom to make it at home and drink it. She would not have. We'll make some here. No, we'll get a, yeah, we'll get a listener or, or maybe even Kenny. I don't know. Kenny will drink it, but I'll definitely make Kenny drink it. You make it Kenny drinks. I've made beer here before,

and I have a lot of questions, but I'm going to wait till the next episode when he gives us the detail, break it down down like what kind of jar to use if it needs to be vented and stuff like that I mean just all the details we get you got a burp it we call it you have one minute remaining we'll do a whole

drink and drug episode where I can like tell you the routes and mechanisms you got to use to do all in case you want to smoke a cigarette how you light it all that shit too all right yeah uh yeah just have have some notes ready and we can pick one at random we'll do one drink or one so when are we doing this again chaley are you free thursday sure but i don't know what bobby is. Yeah, it's got to be every other day until this yard shit, unless we decide to rise up and take this place back.

All right, let's do Thursday. Thursday, same time, and then we'll plot out from there. Do your homework. All right. All right, Shaley. Or do I have to go through your mother as your agent? I don't know. We'll see.

I think I'll be good. I think I'll hit you up on Thursday. Love you, sir. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you for using GTL. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.