The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #422: Tricked By Coffee with Bobby Caldwell (40 for 40 - Day 09)

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

Day 9 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking) and Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell warns of inmates bearing beverages. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 5th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set. If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello, this is a prepaid call from... It's Bobby. A prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections, Parnell, facility. If you feel you are being victimized or extorted by this prisoner,

please contact GTL Customer Service at 855-466-2832. To accept this call, press 0. Your current balance is $52.67. This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. Hey. What's up, Bobby? Hey, Chipper Douglas.

How are you doing? I am doing fine. I'm doing fairly well. Yeah, days eight and nine. Today is nine. Yeah. Yeah, half of my head is going, all right, just get this shit over with so I can smoke. Yeah. That enough.

This is stupid. But, yeah, I'm not. I'm good. Yeah, I was going through this. Like, when I first came to prison prison I was going through those phases where at first my brain because I'm just off everything for the first time because I don't know my brain's manic at first it's like

oh just do a bunch of shit to distract yourself and then it's just and then it's just like oh okay this feels peaceful and then it's like alright yeah you didn't have a lot of options you weren't sitting there staring at a pack of cigarettes going yeah well yeah definitely not did we ever did we talk on the first one about squares about

cigarettes and shit um maybe briefly oh we thought that we used to have them back in the day but uh yeah i've smoked a couple yeah, you were saying people still occasionally have rollies. Yeah, and I've seen actual, like, full new ports. They go for, like, $10 a piece, $20 a piece, depending on where you're at. For a single cigarette? Yeah, you can break them down. Any old smoker has this story about, yeah, I remember when they were, you know, $0.29 a pack, and I go, if they hit $0.50, I'm quitting. If they hit $1 a pack, I remember when they were 29 cents a pack and I go, if they hit 50 cents, I'm quitting.

If they hit a dollar a pack, I'm quitting. If you have to suck a dick for a pack, I'm quitting. Yeah, just doing 40 days, it's 8 bucks a day. It's $320. And that's if I

only smoke a pack. I usually go a bit over a pack. So, yeah. How are you feeling physically? Are you coughing shit up or anything from not smoking? No, my cough has pretty much gone away. I could still produce phlegm if I had to, but, yeah, no, I feel really, really good. Just very distracted, and, yeah, as long as i'm doing shit i'm good anyway uh yeah you

avoided uh riots i guess yeah yeah we're good they actually got done with the construction over there so yard's back to normal so i'm free to harass whoever the fuck i want whenever i want within reason you know what i mean the daily now though So, yeah. I don't know if words get now. I just got a letter from, god damn, someone named Fred somewhere in, oh, Walpole. He's in Massachusetts. Some jail prison facility there. Said he's living his drunk driver's dream in prison. But we get a lot of prison mail.

But I don't know if we're going to get a lot more because we're talking to you all the time. Well, they should know the slots, too. That's really what they should get from it. They should fold their little piece of paper up and be like, I was gonna, but these guys seem to be pretty fucking tight. I think I'm going to write

Brendan Walsh now. I saw Michael Green at the farmer's market, and he said he listened to our podcast and enjoyed your addition to this. And I really enjoyed doing 15-minute fucking podcasts. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter who it's with. It could be the bitch who's doing the prerecorded voice thing that warns you about predation and shit. Or that we have one minute.

15 minutes? Sign me up. I was thinking, you know, the first one we kind of talked about, you know, drinking our first time and shit. And I was sitting around and I was thinking about how, like, coffee's become, like, my vice. Like, I use it as a goddamn drug. I'm like, I got to write. I got to drink coffee. I got to get on the phone.

I got to drink coffee. And I was thinking, it's a vice, but the consequences are less dire you know what I mean and I was thinking like no one sucks dick for coffee and then I realized that a dude got basically got like tricked into into getting I wouldn't say raped but raped is a strong word but fucked for like for coffee shots of instant coffee. And I was like, I wonder if Doug would be interested in hearing that story. Yes, of course. Well, you already started it. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. So this is a joint. This is a level one. So people go home from here a lot, right? And they leave property to people. So my idiot neighbor, that's literally what I call them, idiot neighbor Rio. He left me his TV and shit, and I got a TV. So I was like,

naturally, I'm going to sell it. They go for about 50. I'm going to sell it for 30 to this guy. So this dude up on the gallery above me, he's like, I want it. All right, fine. He just came to me. He's a fish.

So I'm like, yeah, this is where we got to put your... Anyway, this kid's a dummy. And he's not even a kid. He's probably like 33. But he's... Like, I can't even stress how dumb. Yeah, okay.

Well, he looks as old as me. Was he new to the system? Yeah, yeah, new to the system. Call him a fish. That's a newbie, right? Whoa, there he is. Yeah, yeah, he's a fish. But there's fish that come in.

There's a new Asian kid here. And before I even hit the door in the morning to come outside, like eight people were like, hey, Bobby, there's a new Asian here. I'm like, all right, well, let me go check in with him. Make sure he reports. But yeah, so this kid is, this guy's dope. This guy, you remember like 80s movies, like an alien would come and be like, like shitty like alien comedies where where they'd be like their first day on earth and they wouldn't know like what a uh fucking a quarter night was or so he's like he's like that dumb he's like that right so i have to have like a liaison um who

brought me to him i'm like okay i'm gonna sit on the tv but you gotta like do this and i can't this kid's stupid like i can't talk like he's ridiculous. He's going to collect a check when he gets out just on his IQ. The state's going to have to pay for it. We're doing this. That's a picture of this kid. He's going around asking people for shots of coffee. I would give him shit. He'd ask me for soup and I'd be like, here, don't worry about it.

He's up on the gallery with this guy. He's a short, light-skinned black dude, stocky as hell, like real built. Been down for about, I don't know, 25 years. Now, this guy's in prison because he raped and strangled a woman, put her in a duffel bag, drove her to the city, threw her out of the duffel bag, and drove off. Well, she wasn't dead. So she unzipped herself. Just imagine that.

Just unzipped herself from a duffel bag in some alley and shit right and then climbs out and is like yeah this is fucking this happened so he's been down forever he's a complete creep they have like a shower there's two sides and one of them doesn't have dividing walls so there's three shower heads you know like ten feet apart

most people will go on one side or the other and so there's a big leave the middle one empty he goes down there and stands in the middle one and just waits. And people come up, they're like, you're going to shot?

I'm like, no, you can have that one. Go ahead. I've been here long enough. I know that guy. So this is the guy that when anyone walks past him, he's like,

hey, what's up, man? How you doing? You need anything? You need any coffee? Now, most people know like, all right, who's this 50-year-old dude that's been down 30 years?

Why'd you offer me free shit? Well, dumb, dumb, alien on his first day in an 80s comedy doesn't, he people know, like, all right, who's this 50-year-old dude who's been down 30 years? Why is he offering me free shit? Well, dumb, dumb, alien on his first day in an 80s comedy doesn't. He's like, oh, free coffee? Yes, please. So he's just getting coffee from this fucking guy. And, like, right about the time I'm starting to notice him, like, spinning laps and talking with this guy, I'm like, oh, you should watch out. This is long after the TV is, interaction's done,

so I'm kind of divested. Kind of divested from the situation. I got mine. I come, yeah, I got mine. Good luck, kid. So I'm walking to Chow, and my buddy, who's up there on the fourth gallery, goes, hey, man, I've seen the dude who bought your TV come out of the Predator cell.

They had the blanket up for a while, and he comes out, and he points to him, just like movie-style, perfect timing. He goes, there he is right there. And I shit you not, he's walking like he's trying to keep a turf ball, like, just, like, stuck walking. And I'm like, oh, man, that's an expensive cup of coffee. And he was just, like, forked. But it probably wasn't that great for the predator.

This kid's, like, so dumb, he probably... I don't know how you can fuck up a block fucking, but he probably did. He probably, like, did it. I can think of a couple. The guy at the Predator was probably like, that's the last shot of coffee you get. He fucked a piece of shit.

Yeah, my first cup of coffee in the morning always makes me want to... Oh, oh, oh, we blocked it. What did you expect you gave me coffee i'm not cleaning that up like i'm not even like exaggerating i wouldn't be surprised if the guy was like oh hey you remember those shots of coffee i gave you well in prison once it adds up to 20 then you have to let me have sex the dude was like right, how long is this going to take? And just was like, hurry up.

I got to go to chow. Yeah, so coffee can be expensive, too. It's a dangerous game. How did you get stitches in your asshole? Instant coffee? A couple shots of instant coffee? Yeah, too. shot the instant. Yeah, too.

Well, you know, I think if I were going to lean that way in prison, Asian would definitely be the way to go. I guess it's a rarity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a rarity. Super rare. I don't know if that was a small dick joke or just... No, no. I'm just saying Asians in prison are rare, but I'm saying...

Yeah, yeah. I mean, the men look very close to the women, and the women are very attractive. Absolutely. The new one is 20 years old, full Vietnamese, like 5'5", long hair. I'm like, all right, listen. He's like locked close to me. He's like a couple of cells down. So I'm like, listen, anything you need, let me know.

If you have any questions about anyone. And I already had to go tell him, like, look, that guy that was, like, talking to you, the predator, stay away from him. If you have any problems, come holler at me. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a dangerous game around here. Is he, like, speaks Vietnamese Vietnamese? Probably, but he doesn't have an accent or anything.

You know what I mean? He's from Grand Rapids. All right. He probably can. I'm sure he can. What's he in for? Cheating in math? Driving.

Just sober driving. Just clipping people. Just clipping pedestrians. And, yeah, cheating in math. No, he's been here for, like, some gun cases. He's got to finish his, like, two years here, and then he's going to the Fed joint for a couple years. But they get good time there.

Wait, Fed is better? Yeah, Federal Penitentiary is better. They get good time. They have tons more programming. It depends on where you're going. So because he has a gun case, he has to go to a medium security. Like my case is considered violent,

even though it's involuntary manslaughter, which is ridiculous because you think like, if you're going to, the whole purpose to classify crimes as either violent or nonviolent is the person's intent, it would seem. Like that would seem like that

would seem like the left and so if you get a dui or vehicular manslaughter from a dui like my best friend in your head that's a violent crime so when they pass these laws like um early release for non-violent offenders that doesn't apply to us even our shit was accident it's a terrible state of affairs bobby i go to a maximum security prison but there's an argument i actually like the maximum security prisons that i've been to better than this minimum that i'm at because there's when there's more stabbings and okay so like i'm sure detroit the inner city of detroit they're not really worried about jaywalking you know what i mean because there's a lot of shootings murders and shit so the maximum security prison if you know how to move, it's a lot more freedom as far

as being able to jail, as they say, and drink, smoke, hang out. It's easier to move because they're concerned about all the stabbings and questions. I have a really dumb question, but when you have a TV in your cell, what do you get for reception? in your cell, what do you get for reception? I have not had cable in decades, and I don't think they even have antennas anymore. Do you get three channels?

We have full-fledged cable. I have like 60 channels. You have cable? You have 60 channels in your cell? Yeah, in my cell. Comedy Central. I've seen you on Comedy Central the other day. They were doing all reruns of Tosh. I was going to oh, yeah, Comedy Central. Oh, I've seen you on Comedy Central the other day. They were doing all reruns of Tosh.

I was going to say, yeah, Tosh would be the only thing that they still show that I'd be on. Yeah, I think my little 20-year-old neighbor has been like, Doug Stanhope is not a real name. He doesn't again. I'm like, hey, look, look, go to Comedy Central. And all of a sudden, I'm cool with him now. He's like, whoa. He's like, all right. I'm like, now give me your fucking grilled cheese sandwich today.

You want some coffee? Yeah, that guy ruined the game. He should have at least acted like it was for something else. Now what am I doing with all these individually bagged up shots of coffee? Yeah, now you look suspect. I am going immediately as soon as this is over to fucking pour myself a K-cup of some strong coffee. Because that, I realized, and I thought about that earlier, that that'll help my fucking appetite. I mean, I'm eating, I'm going to eat my second fucking cube steak of the day.

And I opened on Eggs Benedict. I'm just eating atrocious amounts of food now. So I think, yeah, I should start drinking coffee to quell my appetite. One time when I kicked everything when I went up to Traverse City up in Northern Michigan to kick everything. Because I burnt all my bridges from Florida

to Detroit. And I got off everything and like... You have one minute remaining. I just ate so much fucking food. I got like 200 pounds. Just clearly just switching. How tall are you?

Six. Six foot. Yeah, 200 pounds is grotesque. Yeah, but I was at the time, I was probably like, before I was like a fuck 50. Now I'm like 185. I'm like that. No big deal, Shaley. Don't you worry. Hey, when are we doing this again? Whenever the fuck you want.

Let's just do Tuesday. Let's do Tuesday. Give me a couple days off to watch football. And yeah, we're going to get these out. We're staggering getting them out, but I don't want to leave them hanging too long. If I'm tweeting that it's day 13 for me, I don't want people listening to day 9 the same night. And I started the prison booze. I'm going to try to get this in before she cuts us off. I don't want people listening to day 9 the same night. And I started the prison booze. I'm going to try to get this in before

she cuts us off. I started it and it looks like it's going to be about 8 days. So I'll keep you updated. Is it going yet? Oh yeah. I've already had to burp the bag. Yeah. Alright. I'm so excited. Alright. I love you guys. Be good. We'll talk to you soon. Let it cut us off. But yeah. Same time

Tuesday. Thank you for using GTL. Take us out of here, automated lady. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you.