The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #423: DirecTV is Killing Doug Stanhope (40 for 40 - Day 11)

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

Day 11 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking) and his TV has become the enemy.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 7th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Thank You to our sponsor BetterHELP.com. Get 10% OFF you first month by visiting our sponsor BetterHelp.com/stanhope.Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. This is a very special event podcast because I'm having cocktails and I'm smoking cigarettes. Are you going to stand? I'm going to stand. I'm going to wander. Do you want the lavalier mic so you can walk around i'll yell if i walk away from the eddie izzard i'm very good at fucking yelling today oh wait a minute what's going on i really don't know i i was i was working on another podcast that i was going to put out tonight i know and i said well if we're gonna do a regular full podcast i thought we were just going to do Bobby 15-minute podcast,

but since I'm briefly off a detour, day 11. Day 10 yesterday, I was fucking skating on not drinking, not smoking. What do you mean skating on? I was doing great. It wasn't a problem, really, until we did that fucking happy hour on Friday. I can't do this fucking happy hour thing. You're talking about guys coming to the happy hour and then smoking in front of you? No, smoking in front of me doesn't bother me.

But having to talk to people bothers me, especially happy hour. That's the whole point. We'd get shit-faced, chain smoke, and talk to people for fucking three and a half hours. So we quit a little after two hours on that one because I really wanted to smoke. And then I went to bed, and I fucking wanted to smoke the whole night. And then Saturday, the entire fucking day I wanted to smoke. And then Sunday, woke up. I never want to smoke when I wake up.

I woke up fucking wanting a cigarette. I'm like, I'm not going to make it through the fucking day. That is a thing that I thought was when I discovered that about you. Like not wanting to get up and have a cigarette. That's the last thing on your mind when you get up. Yeah. Which I thought

because I'm not a smoker. It never happened. I thought that's it. You want to annoy everyone with your cigarette smoke as soon as possible. Yeah, it's not me. I was not a... Like, Raider's a morning smoker. Bingo was a morning smoker. It fucking bothered me when people smoked in the

morning. Hated it. So when I woke up Sunday, I'm like, if I'm waking up 6.30 in the morning wanting a cigarette, it's going to be a fucking hard day. And I took a couple edibles, was watching football, and then... You're by yourself for football, right? It's really fucking demoralizing when it's been really fairly easy. And then day 10, you're like, fucking, I'm going to lose it.

Then I had some fucking shift drinks at the end of the night. And then I'll have a third drink. No, no, fuck it. I'm just smoking. And I just, one of those, nope, I'm doing it right now. I found out, I was wearing a bathrobe that one day. I was walking the dog in pajamas, brand new pajamas and a bathrobe. And found a pack of cigarettes

in that pocket. I had cigarettes out here. You had a bathrobe stash? Yeah, I haven't worn that bathrobe in months. So those cigarettes were just sitting there right in front of me. It's the universe telling you something, I think. Is that what you're getting at here? Oh my god, it's weird

how your fucking brain runs through all the myriad of reasons that you should just... Just fuck it. Just smoke. And, yeah, so I smoked... I think there was six cigarettes left, and I smoked them all. Oh, wow. Oh. Yeah, I knew there was hacks out here, but I'm too lazy to walk the fucking 30 yards.

It's the fun house. But when they're right in front of me, shut up, meat wig. And, uh, yeah, I'll fucking start from scratch in the morning. Took a couple of Xanax. Fucking slept well. Moved out to the couch in the morning this morning. Still full of

fucking Xanax and that last edible that I ate a third edible at the end of the night with the Xanax and then four or five cocktails at that point because I was smoking. And I fucking crashed until like 1 o'clock in the afternoon on the couch. It was great. Yeah, I woke up. I felt strong.

Didn't feel like smoking at all. I was watching my stories on the TV. And then the fucking DirecTV. See, DirecTV. Okay, here we go. I knew this was going to be a fucking DirecTV. See, DirecTV Okay, here we go. I knew this was going to be a fucking issue on Sunday. I'm trying to figure out what, like, as you're

talking, I'm listening, but I'm going like what's the hook here? Why are we having to do this podcast? Like, why are you like ants in your pants? And then you say DirecTV. DirecTV. You cocksuckers. You motherfuckers. I was so internally violent.

The things I did to your kids, you, the CEO of fucking DirecTV. Mr. Direct. So I knew this was coming because this has happened to us before where the local affiliate gets into a beef with DirecTV, where the local affiliate gets into a beef with DirecTV, saying, no, contract dispute, and all of a sudden we don't have Fox 11, which is where I get to watch the Cardinals in the afternoon. Yeah, that fucking game.

Oh, we don't get it, says Kenny. Oh, I saw this coming during the week when we couldn't get Channel 11. So I go, yeah, I was anticipating this. I'm about to get into a fucking beef with DirecTV. I get fucking Sunday Ticket and fucking Red Zone and all that shit. Yes, you guaranteed me every fucking football game for this season. And no, I am not paying for fucking a season if you're not giving me one fucking game. The only way you could get it is red

zone if they were in the red zone so i i spent 47 minutes and 19 seconds on hold with direct tv only to finally get this is at&t due to circumstances beyond our control we cannot answer your call at this time well then fucking open with that don't wait for 47 fucking minutes to realize you have circumstances that are not beyond your control get your fucking hump to answer the fucking phone you fucking cunts and then i realized that oh last time this happened was a year or two ago during a playoff game where they fucked us and i went ballistic on them and the only solution they could come up with was to give us a fucking spanish language channel that was running the game so they gave and i'm on the road i don't pay attention to the details in my bill

there's a state tax and then there's a line fee and then there's a fucking quota convenience charge there's 17 different fees I didn't realize that for a year or two they've been charging me 15 fucking dollars a month for that Spanish station that they were giving us so how's your Spanish Doug well how's their

no bueno so I like I have a million reasons to call direct TV a your fucking remote controls don't work. I need new remote controls. I need that fucking one TV hooked up. That's not hooked up. So I can watch football in goddamn bed.

I had a million reasons to talk to them. I still can't figure out how the fuck I have HBO and Showtime that I should be able to have some kind of password so I can play it on a smart TV that doesn't have cable. We tried that. It's a shell game, by the way. Oh, my God. Because you don't get HBO. You get HBO Max.

It's a repackaged version of HBO. All right. And that is the thing that I knew you would get crazy about, so we haven't talked about it yet. So after 47 minutes, they hang up on me. I'm like, fuck it. I wait until Monday. I'll do it today. So today I call at the 50-minute mark.

I'm still on hold. You fucking cocksuckers. I use my other phone. I call AT&T. I get AT&T. They pick up after about 20 minutes. Oh, you got your burner phone with AT&T, and then you got your other girlfriend, DirecTV, on the other phone. They're owned by AT&T. So I get AT&T. They pick up after about 20 minutes. Oh, you got your burner phone with AT&T, and then you got your other girlfriend, DirecTV, on the other phone. Yeah, they're owned by AT&T.

So I get AT&T. I get fucking, you know, wherever. You know, the Philippines or, again. Circus Maximus? Yeah. And they're like, well, we don't deal with DirecTV. I'm like, you own DirecTV tv why can't i get direct tv and then i'm putting the hold music of direct tv up to the other phone no you're gonna listen to this for fucking two

hours and see how your mood is no you shut up and you listen to this for two and a half so at some point the fucking sun's going down. I'm just trying to watch the fucking Steelers lose. It's Monday afternoon. I have never been in this bad of a mood following a Steelers loss where I should be jubilant that the Steelers fucking lost 11-0. You just barely fucking – you lost – They lost their – Yeah, they lost to the fucking Washington football team.

I didn't get to see a lot of it. Or hear it. Well, because the fucking sun's going down. I got to walk the goddamn dog. I'm not going to miss the dog walk. Because of you. So I have the phone on speaker in my pocket. I got my hat on.

I got my new earmuffy things on. I got my new fucking neck mask thing. I don't know what they're called. I think they're calling them gators. Yeah. I got my gator on. I looked completely like Musad. I was storming a hijacked airplane.

If you were going to rob a bank, that would be the outfit to wear. Black hat, black ear covers, black mask. Yeah. Gator. Yeah, he looked like Antifa. So I take the dog out. I brought the bill with me in case they didn't answer. While I'm walking the dog, I have my account number. Very considerate, by the way.

Walk the fucking dog, the long block down, black knob, and then I'm just, I'm fucking steaming. Just fucking rage. Get close to the gate. Like two houses down, and then I feel it. Because yesterday, with all those edibles, I ate almost everything. Like I ate an entire aisle of Safeway worth of food. Everything.

I think you said something to me last night about that.way worth of food. Everything. I think you said something to me last night about that. A couple of cube steaks. Yeah, you were heating up the other cube steak, and you said, I am eating so much food. I think you'd been thinking about it all day, because out of the blue, you just told me I'm eating everything. I came in here back door and just adjacent from the Shady Dell came for the night game

and I came out here and all that candy's over there. And I was literally, my hand was not stopping. One hand to the dish, to my mouth, to the other hand I just I gotta get away from those dishes. I'm just eating fuck.

So I was shitting all day and then, uh oh. I hear, okay. So I get close to the house and I felt more. Alright, alright. Henry mush. Yeah!

Let's Get there. And I'm fucking clenching and then maybe walking and clenching isn't working, so I stopped to see if you'd get that you know when you're about to shit yourself and your intestine does that rewind. Get the kink out of the hose.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm good. I'll make it. Oh, I wasn't gonna make it. I hit the fucking front gate and here it comes here it comes and i didn't shart i i i okay okay when someone says look it was it was crazy and i'll just tell you right now i didn't shart you know that it is i I shattered. I voluminous lava flows of fucking thick diarrhea. I'm wearing three layers.

I got my brand new sax underpants, long johns, and pajama pants. Brand new pajama pants. And it's just, I'm holding my ass crack with gloves on. How did you know?

It's just fucking I shit so much. I got into the bathroom kicking the Wait, but you're at the gate. The rugs. You're at the gate. Are you shitting while you're walking through the gate? Through the driveway.

I'm just shitting, shitting all the way through the house. I kicked all the bathroom rugs out of the way because I know when I pull my pants down, there's going to be problems. Just fucking limit the damage. I sat down on the fucking bowl without the seat was up. Thank God, because that would have been just shit everywhere. Falls right into the toilet. I had to sniff my shoes to make sure I hadn't shit into my shoes.

Fortunately, the tight ankles on the long johns kept it out of my shoes. I shit so much. There's a tip. I smelled my glove, and it went through three layers while I was holding my ass. No, you were physically holding your ass? I was holding my ass. Like a little kid going, I have to pee pee and like stomping up and down I was holding my ass like it was going to help at all

like you can feel like the baking soda and fucking vinegar of science experiment that was fucking rocketing the Bobby Brady volcano I've shit down my legs

so I get rid of what's left that's inside of me in the toilet volcano. I've shit down my legs. So I get rid of what's left that's inside of me in the toilet and then just jump right into the shower right there and then strip down in the shower. And then I burned out most of the hot water. I was

in there so long because now I have to turn everything inside out of my bottom clothing and spray that all out. Well, you're washing yourself and you're doing a load of wash. Yeah, in the shower. I'm pre-cleaning the laundry so I can

wash it so it's not... So you don't have to carry it with a stick. When I went into my long johns, once they're all off of me, I had to pull the underwear out of my long johns and now that's like a sack like a child's fucking diaper that imagine if a diaper were early quarantine were grosser than a diaper yeah where you know our health care workers had to use the fucking one-off masks several times over it It was a diaper that I had to

pull, a sax diaper that I had to pull out and then fucking empty shit diarrhea and then get it all down the drain. Like someone pouring water out of their boot? Yes, exactly. And I'm about to fucking run out of hot water. I've been in there so long. And then I had to go

get a fucking laundry basket to put the wet shitty clothes in to take them out to wash them. Then I had to bring the laundry basket back in and fucking hose that out in the shower. And then I fucking

realized they answered the fucking phone. DirecTV answered finally after an hour and 48 minutes on hold. No fucking way. Yeah, while I was fucking squeegeeing shit off of my inner thighs and back of my calves. Hi, thanks for holding. I missed that part. It was dead.

I checked the phone. Hour and 48 fucking minutes. I shit myself so I wouldn't miss a dog walk. Because you cocksuckers. And that's the thing. We can't fucking cancel it if we want football. No, I mean that's... We should just...

That's the way you get TV here. I know. And I know I've been posting about it on Twitter. Oh, you gotta do this. And, like, Hulu supposedly has live sports, but probably not every fucking channel. Yahoo Sports, which is, like, I think I'm the only one I even know that has a Yahoo email still. I just want to file a fucking... I just want to file a lawsuit just to bother them.

The company... Like, this is a power thing. The local affiliate or whoever owns it, I think it's Tegna, is some company, right? Broadcasting company. And they, like you said, like two years ago. Wait, Tegna owns, I think that's the local affiliate is Tegna, is Fox 11 in Tucson. affiliate is tegna is fox 11 in tucson so they are saying to direct tv uh our contract's up x amount of dollars now and it's it's this crazy number right they've done this several times do this all the time they have a crazy number and then uh everyone's inundated with these fucking

uh phone calls and emails and what the fuck are we paying? They get that until one of them caves enough to actually negotiate a deal. Because right now, DirecTV goes like, sorry, it's not our fault. And then they say, well, look, they have to pay for the service. That's the first thing when you call DirecTV, the first thing they say. If you're calling because you can't get your favorite station, press 8 now. No, I'm fucking

and a lot of people have been giving me advice that generally I know. Like what? Well, every time I have a beef credit card, whoever automated system, I say, cancel my account. And usually that

gets them to pick up right away. Not in this case. Because I did that both times. Cancel my account. Because that's what everyone's saying. Oh, I can't get Fox 11. I can't watch the football game? Fucking cancel my account. Because they know it's a hollow thread. It's a paper tiger.

The other thing is I want to buy more and then they'll pick up right away.. It's a paper tiger. The other thing is, I want to buy more, and then they'll pick up right away. I haven't tried that one. But they'll probably go, oh, I'll transfer you to the fucking two hours of hold. You're going to get the Epix channel now? The extra classical?

I did notice that you could go, you could push back to DirecTV slash AT&T and say, credit my bill because of this. They actually say that, that you can ask them to credit the amount that they come up with. So I go to DirecTV, their website, and I figure out my login. And then they send me to fucking AT&T's website. Yeah. And then I'm like, I don't want AT&T.

And it's giving me all my fucking cell phone information. We have four different fucking cell phones on the account. I don't want that. I want DirecTV. Then I find a button for DirecTV, and I click on that. And it says, well, you have to log in again. So I log in again and it brings me back to the fucking AT&T account. And I am so fucking livid.

I just want like a storefront to fucking burn down. I know there's real problems in the world, but those aren't mine. This one is mine. And they're fucking me and no one answers the phone. Maybe go at them with that angle of like, oh, yeah, hi, yeah, Circus Maximus, you can help me today.

I want to know how you're going to credit my account for not being able to watch football games that I paid for. And just come that way. And for charging me. Wrongly charging me. And a lot of people have, since i've been posting on twitter just everyone's yeah they fuck me i used to work for them how they

fucking double bill them for shit they don't get like you're not giving me the shit i asked for that i'm paying for and you're giving me shit that i'm paying for that I don't. That's the biggest. Well, when you think about it, it's obvious. Get someone to pay for something, auto pay. And then when they cancel, keep charging. Because there's an amount of time there. I had a girlfriend one time who worked in cell phones, and she said, I go, how come you don't do auto?

How come you don't do auto pay? She goes, are you kidding me? I go, don't you work on auto pay? She goes, yeah. She goes, I would never do that. We charge so many people after they cancel and wrong amounts that they don't even think about it. And if you think of it, it's the whole Superman 2. Like that half penny, right? You just think about how many times

some insurance company has to keep charging you after you cancel the insurance. You go, I don't even own a car anymore. And you kept getting charged until you notice it and try and fucking get that back. No fucking way. There's an app now that actually takes care of that shit for you.

I don't know what it's called, but it pays attention to all the stuff that you forgot you were even subscribed to. Probably an app created by the people who are perpetrating the fucking crimes. Oh, that's one thing I did when I got into the AT&T site. It said I had like four notifications, so I clicked on that, seeing if any one of them was things I've been bitching about on Twitter, because they did.

They did, on Twitter, they said, oh, when I bitched Sunday after spending 47 minutes on hold, you fucking thieves. Oh, we really want to know what's going on. Please DM us with all this information. So I fucking DM'd them.

They didn't respond. Didn't even read it. The check mark is fucking not clicked. So it says one of the notification, three of them were offers to upgrade shit. And one was to let me know that one of the phones has gone over there. It's international usage, and they're charging me $28. What? Really?

Oh. You know, an international plan for like. Yeah, if I could get them on the fucking phone, I'd ask about it. I'm not. Is the fun house a foreign fucking country? Because that's as far as my cell phone went, you fucking cocksuckers. I hope your fucking kids get cancer. I can't say that on Twitter. Funhouse a foreign fucking country? Because that's as far as my cell phone went, you fucking cocksuckers. I hope your fucking kids get cancer.

I can't say that on Twitter. You know, hoping for bad things to happen to people is against the terms of service. Hopes and wishes are against the terms of service on Twitter. So I'm not going to get banned from Twitter hoping that your fucking kid gets his face kicked in and his cheekbones smashed so badly that he has plates put in his fucking stupid pumpkin face because you suck. I can't wish that. I'm doing it now. I'm wishing it.

And you look down at him and he says, his fucking face squeaks when he talks to you from the, he goes, like you have the WD-40, his new metal face. He goes, daddy, this is because you didn't answer the phone. Have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated? What you gonna do? Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey, what am I doing over there? You come pulling me over for what?

I'm going to call my attorney. Why don't you hit me up again? If you've ever been inebriated, then Kevin Brown will take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown and my motherfucking... I'll call my attorney.

You gonna tase me? I'll tase you, motherfucker. Kevin Brown. He'll tase you with the law. All right. This podcast brought to you by BetterHelp. Our sponsor is BetterHelp.

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Join over a million people who've taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's BetterHelp.com. gallons, loaves, shit out of my undergarments. I put them in the wash, and I realized that the fucking DirecTV had either answered or probably disconnected, probably due to circumstances beyond our control. You mean like my bowels? That was a circumstance that was beyond my control. When I shit myself waiting for you to answer the fucking phone. That's when I came out to the funhouse and found those cigarettes. Lit one. Like, that's going to make me less angry.

No, now I blame them for me smoking. It's on a fucking roll. Two days in a row. Two days I smoked, Two days in a row I sat on hold with you. It would be interesting if you could actually go back, because I know you weren't on the phone when they answered. You just saw when it was terminated. Like, you waited an hour and 50 minutes for them to get to you. How many seconds did they wait to hang up that fucking phone

after they could just hear a shower running? Oh, yeah, when I got on the AT&T, Did they wait to hang up that fucking phone after they could just hear a shower running? Oh, yeah. When I got on the AT&T, there's a contact us. There's a chat feature with a bot. So I started that. And they go, oh, please tell us more. You know that's automated, right?

Yeah. Oh, good. It said that because I said something smart fucky right away. And they go, when you're dealing with an automated system, please say whatever you're saying in the most simple terms. And they go, okay, your wait is more than 15 minutes in the chat. I'm like, all right. So then I go try other things, and then I get back to it. And by then, they had already finally answered the chat,

and then I wasn't right there there so they had to terminate it you think i'm gonna stare at a fucking computer screen can i offer a suggestion yeah fucking let's stop watching football that's fine with me just watch fucking hulu or whatever youtube what i would say when uh when i have a problem with problem with any kind of company that I need to call, I like to get up early in the morning. We're Mountain Standard time. But I like to get up early in the morning to be like East Coast early to be able to get in there. Because it's a world clock. Most of these customer service things are over in India anyway.

There's no stopping over there. But you want to get in early before the people in New York or the East Coast. You want to get on their time schedule to be the first volley of calls that go in. If you just get up, you're up early

anyway. I know, but I don't want to start my day. You're drinking and smoking now, so all bets are off. When I wake up, I am the most motivated I'll ever be. I wake up, and if I hit the ground running, I can start getting shit done. I don't want to start my day sitting on hold for 45 minutes to an hour and be that angry because I don't like to smoke in the morning. I'll do it. I like it.

I come in, when we were getting the video systems hooked up here, there was a little bit of a hiccup there. And, yeah, I was having to get here at 7 or 8 in the morning to just get in line to talk to customer service, which it shouldn't be that bad. I had a fucking great morning going. I went back to sleep till 1 o'clock in the afternoon on the couch, watching my stories, which I had to re-watch because I fell asleep to them.

What were your stories? Well, the new Reagans I haven't got to, and I started one in the middle called A Murder at Middle Beach. Yeah, that's fluffy. a murder at Middle Beach. Yeah, that's fluffy, kind of. Yeah, like, I missed the first two, but it doesn't end anywhere. It's an unsolved mystery.

And at the end? Oh, at the end, well, we finally got the Freedom of Information Act, so now we can go through all this shit and we'll maybe find out what it... Well, then fucking wait to put out the documentary! Fucking throw in some fucking vague epilogue at the end. Like, yeah, and then we got this stuff that will let us know how this ends. Thanks

for watching. Fuck you. I'm so... I've been this fucking angry and certainly not at all during fucking quarantine. Yeah, this is pre-COVID kind of. Yeah, this old fucking

road morning rage where I'm just yelling about the fucking There's no oatmeal here! At the breakfast buffet at the Hampton Inn. You're out of oatmeal. You don't eat oatmeal. That doesn't matter. I'm here five minutes before the end.

I want everything. I didn't know that I had white privilege until recently. Now I want to use it. So now what happens? You've smoked, I would probably guess, a pack of cigarettes today? No, I smoked four. You had six? Last night had six last night six okay yesterday sorry yeah today i probably had five i don't know start over in the morning oh not not

after this cigarette that's the thing that's the key to quitting smoking is just because you fucking it's not a hot dog eating competition where you're disqualified if you fucking... It's not a hot dog eating competition where you're disqualified if you fucking dropped half of one out of your mouth. No, you just start over. Don't just go, oh, I fucked up, so then it doesn't count anymore. Yeah, you keep going. But, uh, yeah, the fucking

anger. Ugh. I, uh, when I was saying how your head will fuck with you, it's, uh, and we said this on one of the podcasts, where, yeah, this is probably the worst time mentally, where you're just trying to keep, yeah, I'm doing alright, yeah, we're nine months in, I haven't fucking left town. what like maybe it's not a good time mentally to fucking stop smoking and drinking after 40 strong years and then just sit there the only two things that were getting me through this hey i'm having a fine time i don't know what everyone's bitching about i'm having a fine time drinking and smoking staring at sports i don't care about now i'm not drinking, not smoking. And for a week, eight days, I was up every day, manic, meth addicts, mania, cleaning. Yeah, that started to slip off.

I don't have that many interests. That extra energy starts to dwindle. Yeah, the extra energy starts to dwindle. Now you don't have that happy mania. The alcoholic's high. Like the runner's high. You know, like way into a marathon. You guys got this alcoholic smoker's high where you're like very busy doing things.

That's what you do all the time. Yeah. I'm operating at that level all the time. Yeah. Oh, and the fucking blinds. Oh, my God. Chaley put blinds in, finally, the new edition, and it's just... Game changer.

Yeah. Waking up, not having to deal with some fucked up curtains. It's someone made out of canvas that was... Well, it just... It's not... This is a better fit. This is a better fit. Yeah, it just... It's not... This is a better fit. This is a better fit. Yeah, those were made through bingo.

Special orders. Yeah, they were special ordered from our friend through bingo, who is a fucking Chinese telephone of what I want. And they were made out of what, like, what a rucksack in World War II. Can you make a curtain out of Kevlar? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it was never gonna get... I thought about maybe if I threw the curtains in the dryer for a day. Like a full day. Oh, like acid-washing jeans? Yeah, like laundering... With, like, sand and rocks? Yeah, like laundering counterfeit money.

Poker chips? Throw a bunch of poker chips in there? Yeah, but, yeah, Chaley saved the day again with the blinds. I like how it turned out. Everything was fucking going so good, and then I had to call DirecTV. I knew that was going to happen too because in the morning Sunday morning I knew it was probably

you had set up for guests Saturday night on the table over there by the coffee machine you had set up with like little discount bakery stuff and little dishes of like goldfish and sweets and stuff and i'm like oh

that's sweet no one's coming here but that's very sweet that he's doing that and then in the morning after i watched like four uh premierly oh my god i watched everything it was fucking great woke up at four in the morning watching and uh then i get to the cardinals game i'm like oh i get the channel with the with the placard that says hey you know what you can't watch this because we're struggling through a financial uh contract dispute yeah we're we're fucking you guys because we can't figure this out as a business. And I go, Chasey, Doug's all over this. He's all over this sooner or later. And you didn't say anything yesterday. Because I was high.

Yeah. I was super high and eating everything. So after the 47 minutes. We did talk about that, eating a lot. Yeah. After the 47 minutes on hold the first day, I went, nah, they hung up on me. Fuck them. I'll deal with it tomorrow.

And then I just kept eating stuff and watching football. So tomorrow is Tuesday. What are you going to do about it? I don't know. Today, I should have just, that was my plan. Fucking just take a day off, sit on the couch. I have a bunch of movies. I still

haven't seen 1917. But it's something, when I was in a Xanax hangover, I could have sat and stared at it. I had a few other programs. I was... Watch Bridge on the River Kwai. That's a good one. I had lots of stuff I was going to not do today

so I could do nothing comfortably. And I was very comfortable. Fucking should have never picked up that phone. Thought Monday, oh, this will be easy. Can you imagine? Get some answers. Can you imagine the bullet someone at DirecTV slash India dodged by you having shit your pants? Oh, AT&T was India, and that was on the other phone.

They get a lot of shit. And, yeah, that was on the other phone. But, you know. They get a lot of shit. Someone dodged a major bullet by the fact that you were busy tending to something else. Yeah. Because you would have been, I mean, both barrels blazing. Well, when I tweeted about it, a lot of people were, a fucking ton of people responded. All, like, fuck DirecTV.

And then other ones, because there's a bunch of these calls I have to make. Serious XM. And that came up in the Twitter feed. Oh, you think that's bad? Try getting a hold of fucking Serious XM, because we have to do that, too. But we're trying to. Yeah, I should try to coordinate i should have started smoking early and say listen i'm gonna be mad all day i'm gonna call all these

people today i have the phones i can do all the calls at once i can i can have three fucking phone calls on different holds that will never answer like a stock stockbroker, a high-level stockbroker. Oh, yes. At least the Bills are winning. Steelers lost. Fucking what a piece of shit team. So yeah, tomorrow I go back to not smoking, not drinking. You're still drinking twice a day, right?

Roughly. You got me fucking wasted two nights ago. When I was putting in the blinds, you came over there with a bullet on the rocks. And I'm like, looking over there, I'm like, I really haven't been drinking. And I looked at Dad, I'm like,

sweet salvation. Yeah, you smelled it. I'm putting all these blinds up. He stuck his nose into it. He goes, no, no, wait, what is it? Bullet? And then he smelled it. Alright, what's wrong with it? Well, I only brought one because I made myself one,

but I thought you probably want one too. That was weird because he should have been like, hey, how about a drink, buddy? And like, what's this? What's this? And then I'm like, well, it needs more ice, clearly. And then I go, from here to the refrigerator, I'll figure out if there's something wrong with it. You didn't trust

that I was just bringing one drink for him. Why wouldn't we drink together? That's odd. Oh, you were just being honest. Yes. Yeah, well, that was shortly after I realized you guys were not drinking and smoking with me.

That didn't seem right. It was delicious. And I got really drunk off of like two drinks. Well, two drinks here is four drinks anywhere else. Probably. Absolutely. Yeah, actually. Yeah, I did think of that.

Like, oh, wait, I've had a whiskey on the rocks in the UK that's measured. Yeah. Barely. You think it's an empty. Wait, is this something you're not going to finish this? No, that's the full amount. It's not an empty you picked up off the table at last call. That's really what you get. It's good, though.

So you're going to go back to no smoking tomorrow and two drinks a day moving forward. I want to stop that. I was hoping at day 10 I could go, like, at some point you go, all right, I don't need to be maintaining this many drinks. I'm not feeling seizure-y or stroke-y. Yeah. So you want to stop altogether. Yeah. That's kind of the point.

Well, you've done A couple of drinks You've done a couple of drinks a night For the past What, day 11 right now? Yeah So, today you're a little off the wagon Yeah, I don't know

I'm going way off the wagon Yeah, me too If you're going to fuck up today, fuck it up well. Yeah, let's do it. But I did that kind of last night, and I woke up feeling fantastic. So what is the suggestion of like, listen, man. I want to know how do we hurt DirecTV? How do we hurt them?

There's got to be a way. Someone did. Listen, when I got fucked by MCI, me and Henry Phillips back in the day, our first cell phones. Well, I found the CEO of MCI. We got MCI was the longest. Didn't he go to prison? Yeah, Bernie Ebers. Yeah, he fucking, but he was not in prison yet.

So I just kept going up until I found his number. And I called corporate of MCI, Bernie Ebers, and I got his assistant. And just like the old telemarketing days, I would say, Hey, yeah, this is Doug. Is Bernie around? I get to talk to him. What's this regarding? He knows what it's about.

It's a personal thing. And I would hang on, and then they'd come back. He's in a meeting right now. Can you tell me more of – just have him give me a buzz. Because MCI would not answer their fucking customer service. Henry and I would spend hours. Because we signed up for a deal, our first cell phones, and no roaming charges, this and that. And then we got our bills, like $600, $700 bills with roaming charges.

We don't have roaming charges. And they would never answer their phone. Never, ever, ever answer their phone. So I started calling the CEO's number, and I finally got this guy. How did calling the ceo's number and i get i finally get this guy how'd you get the ceo's number i don't remember okay uh but i'm through a lot of calls like i'm sure if i found out the ceo someone on twitter sent me uh' emails. I want phone numbers. I don't want emails. Here's email addresses for all the

fucking bigwigs, corporate people at DirecTV. And he goes, alright, we'll just forgive your bill. And I go, I want it in writing. Well, we can't do that. I go, what the fuck? You already fucked me. You're trying to fuck me. Anyway, Bernie Ebers, I think he died in prison, if you want to look it up.

He died February 2nd, 2020. Oh, wow. Yeah. In prison? He gets sentenced to like 30 years for fucking fraud. He got let out, having served 13 years of his 25-year sentence. He died just over a month later after he was released. Yeah, he's really sick.

What do they call that? Humanitarian reasons. We don't want to pay for your chemo anymore. Here, you're free now. Securities fraud and conspiracy. 25 year sentence. He did 13 years. Fuck that guy. Worldcom fraud and conspiracy. 25 year sentence. He did

what? 13 years. Fuck that guy. Worldcom was his thing. Yes. That was before the was the other accounting thing. I think it was Mississippi they were in or Kansas City. Crazy man. Yeah, I want the CEO of fucking

DirecTV. I want his number. I want to haunt them and then I want them to of fucking DirecTV. I want his number. I want to haunt them. And then I want them to go to prison and then die a month later when they get out. I love that idea. That has been an idea for a million years for a TV pilot is find the person responsible for everything that is a fucking basic annoyance in your life and just go find it like Roger and me where Michael Moore went and found the guy and he

stand outside with a bullhorn some impotent rage outside the office building what's going on I want to yeah just find all these fucking people that aggravate you into smoking yourself to death. So, DirecTV, according to the LA Times, fake news, struggled.

DirecTV has struggled since AT&T purchased the company and has lost 4 million customers in the last two years since 2018. That is not enough to me. Well, I mean. I was struggling with my own fucking brain just trying to figure out a website thing. I'm just losing all cognitive skills. That's one of the other things that makes you go, I get to smoke because I'm not understanding anything. That's why I lock myself down and don't do anything. John Stanky,

President and Chief Operating Officer. Jeff McElfrish, CEO of AT&T Communications. So really, your problem is with AT&T, because they bought DirecTV. Someone's responsible.

But Doug, in this fluff piece it says, John is an outstanding executive. He has led nearly every area of our business, helped shape our strategy, and excelled at operations throughout his career. I know. Do you think he knows this is going on? He's got it.

He will. He's got to know there's an issue. Like you said, this happens every couple of years. Yeah, send him some photographs of his fucking grandkid going to fucking kindergarten. Wow, he seems to be on a fucking regular schedule. He gets dropped off around fucking 8.15, huh? He's going down a rabbit hole looking for people who complain about AT&T better off looking for

yeah they all suck Bushcraft you can't go oh I'm going to go to the other guy because they're going to suck too banks for the most part airlines if you don't have loyalty it's another thing there's no fucking

diamond status we have how many fucking 13 cable boxes there's no fucking diamond status. We have how many fucking 13 cable boxes between the houses? No, I think we do. I don't think it's that many, but we have quite a few. There's six in the, there's one, two, three, four. Five. There's five in this room. In this room.

Six, seven, eight, nine. We have ten. Nine. We this room. Six, seven, eight, nine. We have ten. Nine. We have nine. Unless you're... If you're hiding one, I could put one in the master bedroom. Quiet house. Yeah.

Yeah. One, two, seven, eight, nine, ten outside patio. That's it. Ten. We're at ten. Are there TVs? Yeah. Pink room.

Pink room. Living room. Eleven. All right. We're at eleven. Four cell phones. Wait, are you. Are there TVs? Yeah. Pink room. Living room. Eleven. All right. We're at eleven. Four cell phones. Wait, are you guys AT&T? No.

Four boxed foods. I have three. She has one. Now, one of them's evidently going international a lot. Well, what's with those guys? I don't know. I'd ask that fucking question if they'd pick up my fucking... Well, if you didn't shit your pants, you would have talked to them.

Oh, my God. I wouldn't have shit my pants if I wasn't eating all that fucking edibles. Candy. Well, edibles started it. I wouldn't have eaten all that food if it weren't for the edibles that I took to fucking calm down. I blame... Sue everybody. I'm going to sue you for punitive damages.

So what's on deck for tomorrow? What are we doing? I don't know. I got to look at my list. I was going to get through all that shit. Like, I got to find my Amazon password, change it, so I can get Amazon Prime on the smart TV. I watched Bad Santa 2, and it's not that bad. I had to do it on someone else's. I watch Bad Santa 2 and it's not that bad.

I had to do it on someone else's. I haven't seen Bad Santa 2 yet. I thought you loved that one. Valentina still has her Amazon Prime hooked up to my smart TV. So I just text her every now and then. Hey, I owe you $3.99. So yeah, Bad Santa 2. They never rerun that. But I get it on Amazon Prime. too it's they never rerun that but i get it on amazon prime and it's not bad if

you love bad santa one enough that you just love to see those characters again yeah and it's it's really it's that's 2016 the first one was 2003 really yeah so as, and Thurman Merman is back in it. Now he's an adult. Now he's a senator, right? He's a gopher. Love boat. Love boat. Yeah, that guy went into fucking politics.

So the plan now, Doug, for tomorrow, this is going out on Wednesday. So your plan for Wednesday is what or Tuesday and Wednesday well tomorrow we have to do Bobby at 5 we have another podcast with Bobby listen if these podcasts come out

and one's maybe you hear this I don't know if they're going to come in out of order it's not for me to think about I'm just trying to get through this So, you know, maybe you hear this. I don't know if they're going to come in out of order. It's not for me to think about. I'm just trying to get through this. Yeah, tomorrow. I have a list a fucking mile long of shit I could be doing, should be doing.

And I don't think any of it matters. So I'm going to keep doing that. Making lists and never looking at them in the morning. Walk the dog. It's going to get cold again in a couple days. So tomorrow I'll help you plant the trees and by help I'll call Kenny for you. It's going to be warm for the next couple days. Two days.

Two days and warm. I thought it was three. Thursday is shit. Football tomorrow? Tuesday football? Tuesday football? Yes. What? Yeah. Is it? Tuesday football? Tuesday football? Yes. What? Yeah. Is it the Cardinals?

No. Dallas Ravens? Dallas against Baltimore because of all the COVID. Oh, yeah. We need one Friday football game. Did you get your results back yet? No. Me either. I never got a code to log in to do it.

Is it through CopperCoin? No, no. It's Emory Women's Health. Yeah, Women's Health. They're contracted by the state. In Arizona, you can get a COVID test, just pull into a high school. And people on Nextdoor told me...

Can I get a pap smear that way? Well, you can... Get Embry Women's Health. They'll have to do it from the car if you're comfortable. Yeah, I'm comfortable with that. I've been so snotty lately. When they fucking had to drill into my nose, I swear

they pulled out a fucking half pound of boogers because I've been so snotty and fucking nasal drip. I was like, I didn't get the test and I've been on it for a few days. Oh, no, that's just since it's gotten cold. Just walking the dog.

I have to remember to stuff my fucking pocket with. Yeah. So we don't know what you're going to do tomorrow and we don't know the results of the COVID test. How do we end this podcast? I mean, do we it's a cliffhanger in that

they don't know what you're going to do, but what's your plan? I've never had a plan. I was just trying to fucking gut it out. Do you have a plan between now and the next time we podcast like without Bobby? Like with a

update on Doug and sobriety? No, I don't have a plan. I have a list that I don't look at. I want to get the office done. All I've been doing is focusing on house projects. I haven't read a book. I haven't started a

book. I should be reading. This all goes back to March. All the shit we were going to do for COVID. I remember driving back from Seattle because All the shit we were going to do for COVID. Oh, my God. I remember quarantine. I remember driving back from Seattle because that's when we left you. The two nights at the theater in Seattle, the Neptune. Yeah. And then Tracy and I drove back to Boise, and then we hung out for a week,

and then we drove home. And the whole time I'm thinking about how I'm going to clean up the house and get my shop together. Get fluent in Spanish. Oh, I've been paying Pimsleur for fucking ever since this COVID started. And never once does the app that you're supposed to learn Spanish on go, hey, we haven't seen you. It's been nine months you haven't seen me. I did two lessons and you haven't fucking seen

me and you don't give a shit about me until I go, hey, I want to cancel. Because right now they're collecting free money. What is it, 15 bucks a month? That's what I'm paying for Spanish TV. Why don't you just watch that channel that we don't watch?

Fucking piles of shit. You feel so ridiculous being upset about customer service when everything in the world is really going wrong. But it's not really. Fucking, oh, that was a thing. Yeah, he had some cunty tweets last night. What's his name? David Sedaris was trending.

What's that? David Sedaris is drawing heat for some, he had some, I don't know what it was on. I guess he's on a thing like Sunday morning fucking good morning. I think he does on a thing like Sunday morning fucking good morning. I think he does. The Andy Rooney spot.

No, it was the. No, it was. I think he does the. He does NPR. It was filmed, though. But I think it's the Sunday morning that one guy, Charles Kuralt, the guy. Yeah. He did that Sunday morning stuff.

And then they found out he had another family. So what's the David Sedaris stuff, though? Because I've been seeing people tweet about it. He was doing how we do citizens' arrests. We should be able to do citizens' dismissals of retail employees that suck. Oh, no. And it's evidently punching down. And I watched a minute of the

clip of him and David Sedaris, I remember reading his first book where he worked he worked as a Christmas Santa or some shit

he's a humorist and I thought, I remember reading that thinking, is this the, that was the first time I thought about writing a book. This is probably 20 years ago where I read it and I go, yeah, it's fine. It's fucking the Lake Wobegon type of humor. But snarkier. Yeah, snarkier. But it's not like, I was thinking

like, is this what we have between like Hunter S. Thompson and now this is what is humor in books, is this fucking tabloid? It's what he does. Like, I don't shit on Jerry Seinfeld.

He's great at what he does. But is that really the extent of... And now he's getting shit. And I tweeted something about that, which was really aimed at... Don't worry about that. Sorry, the refrigerator's making weird noises. Anyway, the idea that now he's drawing heat, which he isn't. They're creating...

Sure. Yeah, someone with a blue checkmark said, well, that's really tone deaf to the times. Right. Get shit on. But if they make it into a news story because one person said something that was, oh, people are up in arms. No, the one person is and you're making people take sides on a thing. And yeah, it's fucked. I don't understand anything

that's going on in the world and not drinking and smoking has made it way worse. I agree. So yeah, me bitching about fucking DirecTV is probably the least of your worries. You're out of work. Are they going to give us more fucking money?

What do you call that? Stimulus. I don't know. I think I can get money to go back to school. We should all do that. We should do something fucking weird. Let's go off the rails. Seriously, I think because of my advanced age, I'm older than everyone in the room,

I think they'll pay me to go back to school. Oh, then hold out. Yeah. Hold out a few more years and get more money. You look like Marc Maron right now. I don't. I don't want that. Well, it's the countenance.

It's the scowl. It's the scowl with the glasses and the goatee. I was cleaning the barbecue, so I have really deep lines. I was cleaning the barbecue, so I have really deep lines. Let's just fucking trip our balls off. Let's just eat mushrooms right now and figure this all out once and for all. I love that idea.

We should do that. So the last time I did this, specifically this, was the 25-year anniversary of my first drinking and smoking. In 2005, we had just moved here. So I said, we're going to do Thanksgiving through Christmas, not drinking and not smoking. And I was doing no coffee. I remember saying, oh, the no coffee is the worst. I don't drink coffee for shit anymore, even now. If you drink coffee, it's decaf. With whiskey

and Baileys. Do you realize you just grab coffee? Yeah. And I remember we had just moved here. Father Luke was still here. So it was just me and Bingo and Father Luke. We didn't know anyone. None Luke was still here. So it was just me and Bingo and Father Luke. We didn't know anyone. None of this was built. I shaved my head for the first time.

You had a patio set as furniture in the house. Yes. With the umbrella. Yeah. Tiki bars. Outdoor Safeway. I bought it from Safeway. Oh, there was no patio at the time. Yeah, there was nothing.

There's a driveway. I bought them from Safeway. Oh, there was no patio at the time. Yeah, there was nothing. There's a driveway. And I made it 15 days. No drinking, no smoking, no coffee. And then we did mushrooms on the 15th day. And bingo, who hadn't smoked for years, not only did I start

smoking again, she started smoking again while we were on mushrooms. Kickstarted. 15 years later, I made it 10. Mostly 10. But that's the thing. You don't just quit quitting. As he grabs a cigarette and the lighter.

Do what you gotta do. Do anything you can. Do what you gotta do. But I love you, Suze. That's a late Lou Reed hit from the 80s. That's a good one. And now a message for one of our many

Serbian listeners who want to move to Casa Grande, Arizona. How are you people? move to Casa Grande, Arizona. You love tacos, burritos, enchiladas, and Stan Hobbs' especial. Come there. You'll love it a lot. Hello, people. And don't forget. Go fuck yourself.

Shortest day of the year is coming up. I look forward to it. That is like a holiday. We should, uh, because the Uphill Kim and Dave always had their winter solstice party. And, uh, we always had something going on

down here. And they'd have all these fucking artifacts of humans up at their house up the hill. We've gone to the party. Yeah.

Yeah. Briefly. It's fun. Tracy, the last one we went to when we were in town, we had a good time. Are you talking about

when we went to dinner there? Yeah. I don't know if we've been to their solstice party. The solstice party. They always had one. It was UFC here. And we go, it's football. Every time it was something

that was going on sports related here where we had a party here. At the same time. Why are you doing a party against our party? One year, were you here when we... We were not here for that one every it was ufc night here and so they had their party up the hill which is a block away but it's a block it's yeah yeah it's a 60 degree angle to get yeah the greatest yeah it feels like you walked a mile

yeah they would come down here and they would stay longer than they wanted to because they were dreading walking one block straight uphill. Might as well have a ladder. Yeah. So between fights, what we'd do is we'd pack

we had the van back then. Remember the van that we gave to the drug-free van that we gave to... Oh, the drug van? Yeah, the drug-free van that we gave to Gretchen for her art thing. So we'd throw 10 people in the van and drive 10 of us up there, park in the street, walk through

their party, grab a couple of snacks in a line, like a conga line, of walking through their tiny little house saying hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi to everyone hi nice to meet you nice to meet and non-stop straight back out of the house into the running van watch the next fight grab eight more different people come up and walk through hi hi hi hi. They just thought you were on the patio. So, yeah, this summer solstice, because they're

not here. They won't be here, I guess they're coming back from Alaska in January. They're locked. Yeah, we should just plant a bunch of us up there and send them pictures of us. Hey, we're here for

a solstice party. It's December 21st. Oh, we definitely should. What's going on? Oh. They always have great food because they've got wild game and then the moose fat.

Oh, they bring all the Alaska shit. The salmon dip. The fucking salmon dip. They did moose jerky or moose pastrami. Yep. Oh, God. Never cared for the mousse.

I don't care if they hear this. What the fuck? It's fine. Salmon dip. Mousse is like Peking duck. If you don't know how to prepare something, the results aren't going to be that great, right? And that's the same thing with duck. For the longest time, I thought duck was was like you can't make this good i suck at cooking duck and i realized that and i cooked

moose the first time i was living in alaska i cooked it i remember like cooking it like you cook a steak and then i'm like picking hairs off it. And then I realized later on, like recently, that when you put, when there's hair on the meat, it probably wasn't handled correctly. There's, that transfer, that taste transfers to the meat. Sorry. It's a very funny. Sorry. It's a very funny. When it takes you longer than it should to recognize a problem.

Oh, there's hair on the meat again. There's a million examples of where you go. I should have noticed this way earlier in life. Like I've been making this mistake for so long that, oh, yeah, the hair thing. Like that's – I'm trying to come up with a different example. You're talking about Shaley and his ex-girlfriend, Rose. Should have noticed something was wrong a long time ago. That was the first time I cooked mousse, and there was hair on it, and it was because when they butchered it or they field dressed it,

they contaminated the meat by making the hair on it and it was because when they butchered it or they field dressed it they they they contaminated the meat by making the hair touch it and that's what happens right but i just said mousses taste horrible there's there's no fixing it well i was preparing something that was not handled correctly and i didn't know how to prepare it you also prepared duck that made you throw up. Yes. You're just not good with game at me. But that last duck I cooked? He's an easy puke, dude. French kiss. He is to puke what you are to cry.

Thanks for that S-O-T. Oh, my God. Do you guys, do you ever feel like you're losing your shit? Yes. Because I have. Constantly. Yeah, especially during this. This morning was especially after fucking phenomenal dreams.

But waking up... No, actually, that was yesterday. Whatever. Like, I... Yeah, maybe I should be smoking. Like, I don't see the meaning in fucking life at all. Like, we're pretty insular here. I mean, we've got our cocoon.

But it's like when you were talking to Roseanne when you did the Roseanne podcast. It's like she said something in that podcast that still fucking resonates because I'm trying to juggle her crazy and still make it a palatable

conversation on her podcast. But she said, how can you do comedy when there's no such thing as truth? And I just like, I'm in the moment trying to continue the conversation. But the fact that, yeah, the news, I don't believe any news from any source. And it's all from an angle. Truth always exists. Yeah, but when you're looking at the outside world and masks and, you know, I just read something today.

A guy in Portland, a doctor, got his license revoked by saying, we haven't worn fucking masks in our office this whole time. It's all bullshit. It's a common cold. Oh, God. My God. I have no idea what to believe because in the last four years, the news that you used to just go, ah, that's in the news.

No, now it's all polarized and it's separated into camps and you go, yeah, I don't know. Why would I even try to make fucking material out of things if I have no idea, if I don't believe any of the shit. What do I base anything on? Yeah, so yeah, Roseanne

said something fucking wise even though she also believed crazy shit is true. Yeah, how do you fucking have an angle where unless I'm the guy that's doing all the research and doing due diligence

and getting a fucking my doctorate in epidemiology or fucking whatever it's called. Because they always have doctors on both sides saying opposite things. It's fucking smoking back in the day. We'd pay a fucking

Rube doctor to go, there is no correlation between smoking and lung cancer. Until there became an absolute correlation. It causes a mutation. You'd probably still find a Doc Nick Riviera from The Simpsons. Hello, everybody.

Hi, Dr. Nick. Smokin' safe, everybody. Hi, Dr. Nick. Yeah, I have no idea. I don't know what people are going through. I don't even know what comics are like. One of our Patreon listeners just got back to me today. Her name is Jessica.

And she wanted to give us the update. As you asked her on the happy hour a couple times ago, give us an update because her mom was getting sick. Her mom just passed away. She was in her 60s. And this is just one of those real world, like, this is happening. She was a vibrant, healthy person person and then she got covid and she died and that is these are the real stories that that come out from what's happening this is away from the the non-mask wearers at sturgis, someone just wrote a piece in the New York Times about how they should make these commercials about COVID really more dire, like the initial anti-smoking commercials where people are trying to talk through a blowhole in their neck and scare people. Like, this is fucking reality.

And scare people. Like, this is fucking reality. But the other thing I was thinking, because I remember goofing on it. You played my last show in Seattle. Just the pieces where I was goofing on COVID. The intro. Yeah. Just my opening. First eight minutes.

Licking the banister. Yeah. Licking the rail. Yeah. Lick the person next to you or something, like a trust fall. And I remember talking about, like, it's just killing the fucking old people.

You don't want to visit at fucking Thanksgiving anyway. But that really is what it kind of boils down to, is nobody gives a fuck about old people. They really don't. But old people are someone's nana. Someone's grandpapa, you know? Yeah. And only a few

people care about those. Why in this country should we say, fuck you if you're old? Or you're in a home? I'm saying people don't really internally care about going to see someone in a home, in a fucking, uh,

retirement, not retirement of the, what do you, where old people die? Yeah. A home. Oh, folks home.

Yeah. Where they're all dying. I guess 40% of the people that have died are fucking elderly people in homes that you don't want to visit. They creep you out. The grandkids don't want to go there. Grandkids want $5 and a card. Well, you don't know. I'm just saying.

Don't ruin my business because of old people. Yeah, they're including their own old people because they don't really want to go visit. They are doing it. I mean, with the vaccines. Healthcare workers and nursing home people. We'll kill our old people. Nursing home. That's what it is. Yeah, they don't really give a fuck.

I'm having some... I mean, I give a fuck. I don't think anyone needs to die if we can prevent it. Yeah, in theory. You can't discount fucking people just because they're old. I'm saying that. That's bullshit. That seems to be the temperature of the country.

Oh, absolutely. This is the temperature. This is the fucking... I've run into three people on three separate occasions at Safeway that aren't wearing masks, and they're walking around inside Safeway. And Safeway, which is one of the... The hub of Busby. Safeway is connected to, I think, three or four companies

that deliver groceries to the country. The entire nation. It's down to four. There's no diversity, right? So, Safeway... You're talking about like Albertsons? Yeah, they're all connected, right? So, Safeway, the cashier is talking to a guy

who I didn't even realize wasn't wearing a mask until he started getting so gabby. Like, what the fuck is... Oh, wait a minute. He doesn't even realize wasn't wearing a mask until he started like getting so gabby like what the fuck is oh wait a minute he doesn't even wear a mask then I'm like looking at him like a whole different way like like he was just chatty and I'm like putting my things up so it doesn't go on the belt too early and then I'm like you fucking non-mask man. Who the fuck are you? And then he starts talking. And then he goes, yeah, well, you know.

Because the cashier goes, well, yeah, the no mask thing. And he goes, yeah, you got to die sometime. So I figured, it's like a 28-year-old guy. You got to die sometime. Yeah. Right? 28 year old guy you gotta die sometime right and you're like I could fucking rocket this fucking sticker bar right into his face

and just go hey well I dropped that gotta die something motherfucker that's your he lives here he works somewhere else comes down there's no one saying anything to someone who walks into a store where there's a sign that you can't walk by it without it touching you. Right?

That's how close it is. Saying, like, everyone has to have a mask. And then no one at Safeway does it. And then I realized that it's like me watching a Western on Turner Classic Movies. And I look at Jimmy Stewart. I go, why didn't you just shoot that guy? And it's like, now that's my reality. That like, I'm like, oh, I fucking, you just give me a chance to tell a guy.

And then I walk into a situation where there's a guy. I'm like, my hands in my pockets. I walk by. I'm going, anyone see the unsalted butter? I'm like, you know, you don't know what to do in these situations when you see someone without a mask. But at the same time, I'm fucking, I'm pissed. Because it isn't about you. It's about everyone else.

It's about what we're all going to get through, right? The amount of underlying rage. It's like the entire country has my morning hate. That it's just

waiting for a reason to come out. That it's just waiting for a reason to come out. And it's not based on a mask. The mask has become the focal point. And no, you fucking hate that you can't go out. You hate that you're not at the bar getting laid anymore.

You're losing money. You have no money. And your fucking impotent recourse is to go with mask and fuck you and fuck you. And yeah, that's why I'm happy to not be on the road because I have that. I use DirecTV. My mask rage today, and it's legitimate. No. But not that amount of anger. And, like, I can see

where I could be flipped off the fucking turnstile by one guy. I see it coming. Just in Safeway. We all see it. We all run into that shit. I don't know how to react. Yeah, stay home.

Fucking stay home. Go to Safeway at fucking 7.30 in the morning. It's empty. Fucking empty. Everyone's happy. Listen, the temerity of some fucking asshole walking through the Safeway in Bisbee without a mask and him being the only one in the entire building to not have a mask and to be so flippant. And they're like, you gotta die sometime.

This whole fucking thing was so egregious that I was like, get someone over here and go like, sir, let me tell you, your money's no good here. In fact, you have to leave. I want someone to go, get the fuck out of here, because everyone else here is doing what they're supposed to do. And you

are so cavalier about what is going on here and like you know everything you know how all this is gonna pan out i i i wanna i i i wanna talk to the guy that has at least enough information that he thinks is correct like no explain to me the i'm a fucking conspiracy theory guy not lately because i'm old and i don't care and i can stay at home but if i were you know the 35 year old doug stanhope i would be all over yeah the government is trying to control you. But what's the end game in wearing a mask? Well, they're going to try to control you by getting

you to wear a mask, and the next thing, we're all in FEMA camps. Yeah, they go right into Alex Jones from that, which there's a million things that I would have been on board with. But, like, someone fucking explain this to me. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. I want have been on board with. But, like, someone fucking explain this to me.

Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. I want to get on... Like, I've not done it because I would lose my mind, but, like, get on some of these, like, parlors. I think it was Christine Levine that said she got on parlor just to listen to these fucking QAnon crazies talking shit. Like I want to get on there, but all I would,

the fact that I'm not doing standup right now, like I, I eat it's business purposes. I only want to know about that. So I could yell at an audience about what I'd found. But without that, it's just going to make me crazy at home where I could just watch the Reagans or whatever football channel DirecTV allows me to watch. But you can talk to people that have practical experience.

That's Dr. Mark. Yeah, I really want to get Dr. Mark. Yeah, that is. This is what's actually happening. This is the repercussions this i work in an er unit i am a doctor this is i'm signing death certificates over and over and over again and there's nothing i can do to help these people i want to know who these people are that's why i like that new york times like we have to have commercial no, give me examples. Show me, don't show me anomalies of a 38-year-old guy in good condition

or a 17-year-old kid that died from COVID. That's a rarity. What are the fucking, how does this work? I want to know the person. I want to fucking, yeah, put on a fucking commercial with Arms of the Angels instead of sad puppies in fucking cages. Show me someone dying of COVID. Show me the people.

Give me examples. They give you – there's a term for it. I've read about that where the frontline people are like, if you knew what we were doing here and you knew what we were looking at, it would be different. And they just don't do it. But people are led to believe that those people are lying. Yeah. Yeah. They haven't.

Let's get the fake election results. Well, why weren't you faking it the same way? If you knew this election was being rigged, the far, why didn't you go and rig it yourself? If these people are lying just to get into office, why aren't you lying to get into office? I always said that about the Democratic Party. If you're saying

the Republicans are doing all this, then do the same thing. Why didn't you cheat too? Why didn't you cheat as well? You fucking, all you do is cheat. You're the fucking king of cheaters. You couldn't out cheat too? Why didn't you cheat as well? You fucking, all you do is cheat. You're the fucking king of cheaters. You couldn't out cheat the fucking Democrats? Yeah, how come some Democrats won?

Yeah, all these fucking judges and shit. They're your people. Actually, how come some Republicans won? If it was all a fucking, if it was all a scam, would it have been Republicans across the board? Come on. Common sense is gone. Well, common sense isn't.

He grabs another cigarette. Yeah, I'm going to town. Common sense is not equally distributed. No. No. God, no. Use your common sense. Well, that's what got me here. I used my common sense

and it's flawed. So tomorrow, Doug, when I wake up, there's not going to be a text message or a voicemail saying, hey, the podcast we did last night, forget it. No.

Okay. Because we're almost at an hour and a half here. Are we? Yeah. Good. No, that's fine. I love it. But I don't want you to – is it the cigarettes and the alcohol talking?

Or are we good? No. No. I lit my – Good. Yeah. I lit a cigarette, poured a drink, a drink and said hey tell chaley i asked tracy because i saw your schedule up there i go are we still doing like a regular podcast because

i thought we're just gonna do bobbies i'm like if you want to do a regular podcast well i'm i have fucking fresh shit pants in the fucking laundry. So let's do it now while I'm still angry rather than me trying to drum up anger. Hey, thank you for not waiting for me to put a load of laundry in and then throw your shit pants in there. All I thought about was, well, you remember. No, I remember Traverse City and then. Yeah, I sharted. That was just a straight-up shart, and I threw that

in your laundry, and you went fucking ballistic. The first time Tracy ever went, like, really angry, I threw my shart pants in her laundry. Yeah. And then, of course, you had to tell me you threw your shart pants in. Well, that's the only reason you went ballistic. And then, of course, you had to tell me. Well, that's the only reason you went ballistic. But then I thought, God damn it, I think I lost my thought.

Traverse City. Yeah, no, Traverse City. But then when I put the laundry in our communal washer dryer. You had already washed them out pretty good. Then I thought, if I tell Tracy that I used that washer, well, that's going to get Chaley to go buy that washing machine that I thought was some kind of breakup hint. Remember? He was looking at his own laundry machines over at the Home Depot.

And I thought, oh, he's leaving me. He's going to get his own washer. I shouldn't even tell him that I washed my shit pants in this washer. Tracy, stacks. You asked him in the shower first. Stackable Maytags. I know. On sale right now.

I get it. I mean, he washed his shit literally in the shower first. He panned first. So I'm okay with that. I get it. I'm okay with that. Yeah. I have to wash that bathroom tomorrow anyway.

I love that you sat down on a toilet that had just the pure porcelain. Yeah. New seat. Yeah, and it was all messy. Every woman knows about that. Yeah, absolutely. You remember the car show of

wall shirt we went to the car show when I had that pacer god damn it that guy I've still never got revenge on that fucking guy that's right

oh that's a good thing the guy that sold me a pacer yeah with 4,000 original miles and then I found out it was at least 104 yeah

maybe 204,000. Common. Yeah, never fucking... Yeah, I'll rain hell on that guy. Let's find that guy. When COVID's over? We got time now. Find that guy and fuck him. But I came back from the car show where we had the pacer

and I had to shit all the way walking up the street. I'm like, I'm not going to make him. And then I made it to the bathroom door, and then I pulled down my pants. I penguin shitted all. Did you ever see a penguin shit? Yes. Oh, it's great.

If you have never been to a zoo and see a penguin shit, it's like someone in an old Western spitting, chewing tobacco across a fucking room. Yeah, but this is like yards just spraying like a super soaker of fucking bird shit. That's how penguins shit? Yeah, they fucking, like a skunk, they arc up and fucking spray a load of bird shit. Should I bend over? Because they have those long bodies.

No, like a skunk would fucking arc up. Wow. I had no idea. I learned something. Yeah, well, I get and I shit all over the wall on my way. My ass was up as my pants were coming down and shit all across the wall.

And that looked more graphic. Oh, sorry, sorry. But this one was... I'm getting really shitty videos coming up. Wait, and that's the car show that you bought the... No, no, I put the Pacer in a car show when I owned it. Oh, got it. Okay, now I get it.

Yeah. So they do lay all over. They do, like, bend over and then, like... Yeah, I splattered the wall. They bend over like they're picking up a coin and then also shoot some shit out the back well it seems

like a clean he's very British excuse me here and you lean down bend over and let it go and it's not on you anymore except for that guy behind him look at him he's covered in shit right not cool bro alright And it's not on you anymore. Except for that guy behind him. Look at him. He's covered in shit, right? Oh!

Not cool, bro. All right. Not cool, man. Look up. Chaley's playing us YouTube. The link for this video will be in the show notes. That guy is already covered in shit. He's dying. It's sad.

It's sad. He died of shit. He died of shit. Oh, that's so fucking horrible. Oh, my God. It's not cool. Hey, people out there, if you're fucking losing your minds, he died of shit oh that's so fucking horrible oh my god it's not cool fucking brutal people out there

I if you're fucking losing your minds we are too and we're keeping our shit together uh so to speak

sorry yeah yeah don't kill yourself or anything you know it seems like plausible solution and it is but yeah don't kill yourself or anything. You know, it seems like a plausible solution, and it is, but don't panic too quick. We'll figure it out.

I think I should add these two days on and make it 42 days. No, don't do that. It doesn't matter. It doesn't happen in January. Nothing matters anymore. It doesn't happen in January anyway. No kidding. Except watching all the people that are going to fucking die.

Like right now, we're going to start watching Thanksgiving people fucking die. And then that'll go to Christmas. And then Christmas people will die. And then New Year's people will die. And then January people will go, yeah, I don't really want to go outside anyway. There's no holidays. And it's cold as fuck. And then you just go down from February.

Okay. I'm going to quarantine now that it's fucking brutally cold out. And I don't want to go outside anyway. And then Super Bowl, everyone will be fine. And the New York Giants will win then Super Bowl everyone will be fine and the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl with a record of 5-11.

Yep. You got $5 on it to win $750. Jesus. I love that. I hope they have to move Super Bowl Sunday to Tuesday. That would be awesome. Super Bowl Tuesday.

First one ever. Here's to wishing and hoping for Super Bowl Tuesday. Thanks for joining us. Tweet me or email me if you're really fucking losing your shit, and I'll try to get back to you. Otherwise, yeah, we're all in this shit alone. Take us out of here, bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.