The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #425: Burping The Bag with Bobby Caldwell (40 for 40 Day 16)

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

Day 16 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking). Doug and Chaille pop the cork on Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell’s prison hooch. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 8th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set. If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello. Hello, this is a prepaid call from... It's Bobby. Hello, this is a prepaid call from a prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections, Parnell, Puerto Rico. If you feel you're being victimized... Someone tweeted me that if I just hit zero during this intro,

I'll skip past it. But no, that's customer service, not fucking prison. To accept this call, press zero. To refuse this call, press 0. To refuse this call, your current balance is $46.55. This call is from a corrections facility and is

subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. Hey! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! How's every little thing in your little slice of heaven? Just PG, watching Marathon of Ancient Aliens all day. Ah, Saturdays are great for marathons of shit TV.

Yeah, I'm just waiting for them. They're running out of shit. You know what I mean? Like the shit they're playing, I'm just waiting for them. They're running out of shit. You know what I mean? Like, the shit they're playing on here. I'm just waiting for them to, I don't know, somehow work in STDs as, like, a mailing propaganda so I can have a more believable excuse for my exes and shit.

You know? Be like, yeah, I don't know. You watching Chameleon? No, I'm not watching that. I'm watching something about that French guy that raped a maid in New York City. It's a four-part, everything's a fucking series now. But I'm also walking on sunshine that my book was named Audible's Best Comedy of the Year. I wish I could say I was surprised.

I mean, I haven't read it, but that's great, man. Congratulations. I can't wait to call three of them. Yeah, well, you're you have to have gotten good at waiting at this point for shit.

Yeah, I'm not so good at it. Yeah, I guess I am. I'm not excellent at it, but I do it. I do it I'm not so good at it. Yeah, I guess I am. I'm not excellent at it, but I do it. I do it a lot of my good at it. Definitely practice. Before I start with you, Robert, I'm going to fucking kick out some uh...

Thank yous to Tom... Uh... Fuck, I forgot what he sent yeah I peeled that off to put with oh he's a it's a couple of CDs I guess

Coronavirus Cure and Keep Calm Christmas is cancelled and then uh Annette sent us postcards. Annette sends us so much shit with all her doodling on it. She's the one who said something nice to you and then get

angry when you didn't say thank you quick enough. And then felt like a dick when I said, yeah, we were just waiting for... Ah, now I'm a dick. Annette, you're never a dick. Someone sent us two giant fucking display

boxes of Muddy Bears. And it came from Amazon Fulfillment with no notes. So I don't know if that's from Muddy Bears themselves or Like a little snack pack size. At Ben Mac. Thanks for liking my wee Bill Hicks tweet.

He sent a book that went immediately into the thrift store pile. Hit that one, and then let's talk to Bobby. Yeah, okay. And then the guy I called Sebastian last week that sent me the Mary shirt that I'm wearing, his name's Michael. I said, it's Sebastian or maybe nothing like Sebastian. It was Michael from Suicide. I was picturing the fucking S in his, that's not his name. And then someone made us Killer Termites hot sauce that is, that should have gone to, that's Doug's stand-up celebrity death pool hot sauce. That's what that is. Ghost peppers and habaneros. Yeah, that should have gone to, that's Doug's stand-up celebrity, Death Pool Hot Sauce. That's what that is.

Ghost peppers and habaneros. Yeah, that goes right to Joby. Thank you very much, but, yeah, I can't feel my tongue. And guess what we have? We're going to do shots with you, Bobby. Yep. Shots of disgustingness. Yeah, give me one of each, there, bartender.

Hey, do people write you since we've had you on? Because I assume your address is on your website. Yeah, yeah, it is. I've really been getting a lot of stuff, which almost all of my ascending stars, if you could call it that, is reliant on when me and you started talking, you started plugging my stuff. But the podcast and the website, yeah, I've got people that send me just mail all the time, JP. And, you know, you get to know them a little bit. And I've definitely taken a page out of your book as far as, again,

making sure I fully interact with everyone that I can. That's great. Because you're getting a lot of good feedback on my Twitter since we've been doing these. So that's good. I'm about to do your, the orange one. Yeah, the two bottles that we have here. One is orange juice, yeast, sugar, and

water. And that's basically the recipe you gave us. Does it smell? Does it smell strong? Smell like liquor? No. No, it doesn't smell. That's weird. It's not bad at all. Yeah.

It tastes like a really weak shot. It tastes like shitty orange juice. Yeah. Like you get at a Hampton Inn buffet. How old is this? Yeah. Is this from concentrate or is this Sunny D? Did you take alcohol in it, though?

I was worried about it cooking and everything. The aftertaste, you can feel the small burn. But, I mean, we're talking between 7% and 12% alcohol. There's not much. Now, here's Chaley's fancy fruit cocktail version. The stuff that Stanhope said, that looks frozen, to which Chaley replied, oh, it's not. Yeah, it looked like it had frostbite, but no, it had some growth on it. That's a little more distinct, but yeah, Bobby's is better.

Yeah, the high-end one definitely has a rotten aftertaste. You're getting too fancy. Yeah, I know. When I was in level four, and level four, that's maximum security for all your listeners. We were. We were in level four. There is no level three. There is no level three.

Just a steel trap with sober dogs. So level four is like the 14th floor in a hotel because they just eliminate the 13th floor. Yeah, it really is three. Yeah, so it's like the 14th floor if you were only allowed out twice a day for 45 minutes. So in level four, this would have... Shaley's fancy shit kind of reminded me of this. I got a hold of a gallon bottle that they used to... would use liquid soap to put in the dispenser for the cops to use and stuff.

And it's hard to get stuff like that, like containers to keep shit in. So I rinsed it out and brought it back. I had a bunkie that was a square and just was, he was in there for like a bad case and stuff. So he was grateful that he just got to be in a place where he was, you know, not going to be impressed or anything like that. So I was like, listen, what do you think of this? I'm going to go over it.

Because in lower levels, you can get stuff out of the kitchen. But in higher levels, you have to go to breakfast every morning and bring a little Ziploc coffee bag and buy people's orange juice and dump it in there in their coat. I had a little pocket cut out in my coat so I could open it and dump it in there and bring it back. So I said, I'm going to bring this shit back. I'm going to make some drinks. What do you think about it? I'm going to keep it in your locker, though. And he's like, yeah, whatever. I'm like, all right, cool. So I started doing that. And some days there'd be apple juice and orange juice. And then I would take beets and also raisins out of the shower hall food and just throw it all in there. Just like, yep, we're going to go and tax the sugar and throw it all in there. Just like, yep, we're going to go and tax the sugar

and had it going in there. And if you leave for yard to go out to yard and the cell's empty, when they do random shakedown, they don't really pick a cell if there's someone in it. So I was like, you've got to stay in here. You know what I mean? I'll give you a soup or something.

He's like, all right. So I was keeping it in his locker. I'd wrap it up in a towel and stuff it in his locker. So I go ahead and burp it because, Shale, you had to burp it and stuff, right? Oh, like four or five times a day. Right? And when you burp it, you can smell it. You can definitely smell it.

So you have to turn, burp it by the vent. There was no windows in the cell. It's a two-man cell. So I'm burping it about 20, 30 minutes before chow, wrap it up, stuff it in his locker, and we're waiting there. We're all dressed, waiting to go to chow. And I smell something.

I'm like, do you smell that shit? So I open his thing up, and the towel that it's in is like soaked with the drink. I'm like, holy shit. So I pull it out, and it ran against a bowl, and it just thinned the plastic anyway. It thinned it out enough to where when it's thin is like soaked with the drink. I'm like, holy shit. So I pull it out, and it ran against a bowl, and it just thinned the plastic anyway. It thinned it out enough to where when it's a pressure, it like busted a hole in it.

So now I'm sitting here with like this half a gallon of like, some of the juice had been cooking for four days, and some of it was only for two, so it's still carbon. It was disgusting. So they call chow while I'm holding it. He has to go to chow, and I can't leave it there and just be gone because they'll come by and smell it or they might do a shakedown. I would imagine you could smell it in the hall, like down the –

Yeah. So I'm like ripping the towel up and flushing the towel down the toilet, but now I got this thing here, and he's got to go to chow. He doesn't have any food. He goes to chow, and I'm standing there, and I'm looking at the bottle, and I'm looking at the toilet. I'm like, I'm either going to flush this or just fuck it like drink it so i you know the door shuts because they go to chow and i spend 30 i think i i think i like 45 30 45

minutes to drink this half a gallon and it was it was so i mean i'm pulling chunks of like raisins that had turned white and i'm just chugging this stuff, just chugging. And I'm looking at myself in a meter sweat and like, oh my God. But I end up fucking slamming it all. Rinse the bottle off, smashing it down. They call yard. Now when they call yard, you go outside and they lock you out. So I'm locked out there and I throw the bottle away, all evidence destroyed.

I'm drunk and also nauseous and fucked up. And I'm sitting out there, and you can't go back inside. You have to wait for your hour to be done. It's a real small yard. I'm sitting there with my buddy. And we're talking, and I go silent for a minute. He goes, are you pissing? And I got my short leg pulled up, and I'm just pissing under the table.

So I finished pissing, and I can't even get the shorts down before I'm throwing up all over the fucking table. Just throwing up chunks of square little cube feet. Cube feet and everything. He has to help me take his prison ID out and help scrape the table off. Weird thing I'm having to do. And I just went back and fell asleep and had the worst fucking hangover in the morning. That shit reminds me of like the stuff you got going. Just too much extra credit in there.

You know what I mean? I think that is the thing is maybe one or two fruits. Because I had blueberries, oranges, and fruit cocktail. And there's a lot of different sugars going on there. I mean, sugar is sugar, but those flavors can definitely... There's something off about the purple drink. The frozen one? Yes.

The fact that it had moth on it? The allegedly frozen one? The allegedly frozen one. Yeah, so... Do people get jealous when you get a shitload of mail? I always forget to mention that you have your own podcast. Yeah. We're over 50,000 streams now.

It's going pretty good, man. It's catching on. It's got a good following. People are really passionate about it or just really into it and we run the gamut from ridiculous

shenanigans that have happened in prison. We have an episode about pranks and then we have super violent ones. The first fight

I got into in prison and then we just did a prison reform one today and then, you know. Yeah, so I think, Shayla, you listened to a couple, right, at the beginning?

I listened to the first seven. I was doing a home remodeling project, and so I just got, yeah, I totally got into it. And it is good because your buddy on the outside, I can't remember his name, but he's good. He calls you, and then you guys talk on the phone, kind of like what we're doing here. Yep.

And, yeah, so we've been having good feedback. And you find that how? It's on Spotify. It's notes from the pen still. Everything's notes from the pen. Yep, everything's notes from the pen. It's on Apple.

All your major podcast venues, other than Stitcher, it's not on Stitcher. What's the weirdest thing you got from a fan that was allowed through? Actually, that's another question. What have you been called to the principal's office for, hey, someone sent you this, and you know that's against the rules? Well, this isn't related to the podcast, but i had a buddy who was writing this lady that was

in prison for like 35 years in a fed joint right he talked real freaky to her and all this shit and um he's you know they would get real creative so she wrote he thought it'd be funny to have me included in one of their stories right so she writes this and i don't know what it is which you'll find out in a second why. So he has a right that's super vulgar, like disgusting, dirty thing. I think I'm some sort of gimp in the story. So this is letters? This is letters?

And it's erotica, I assume? Yeah. And it's from a lady in a federal prison who's doing like 30 some odd years for all kinds of sex slave shit. I don't know. So he told me jokingly he was going to do this. And I get called to the

A-Rust office. It's a lady. She likes me. She's all right. And she's... You have one minute remaining. That was way too quick. Is there a line there?

Should you call back? Yeah, I can call back. I think you should call back. Or we should do thank yous at the end next time. Yeah, I shouldn call back. I think you should call back. Or we should do thank yous at the end next time. Yeah, I shouldn't have done those thank yous. Alright, give me two seconds. Alright.

I'm just going to hit you back. Alright. Yeah, that seemed to go way too quick. Maybe it's a prison hooch. Let me get through this first. What are you doing? Sometimes 15 minutes is a long

time, but now that I'm actually drinking and I'm having some cigarettes. Yeah. You're not doing 40 for 40 anymore. I am. I'm still doing it, but the smoking part has been my Achilles heel. Yeah, you're

smoking in the house. Yeah, you're smoking in the house. Yeah, well, it's cold out. What's that? Okay, so your audio is coming through on this. I missed a call from you, Chaley. Should I call you back? No, that was me testing the line. All right.

Yeah. When you're in there smoking. Hey, I beat Michael Bean at tennis. I want to rub it in. He listens to the podcast, so I just want to fucking rub it in. I beat him. This episode is happily brought to you by BetterHelp.com. MyBetterHelp.com became a sponsor and then I became a client. Hey, I think I have

some things that might be considered problems. Yeah, I'm going to do this. BetterHelp.com. I did it today and I felt better immediately. I didn't have breakthroughs. They didn't say, oh, you need to do this and that and stop eating ice cream. They listened to me. Just listening to yourself go through your own shit is so fucking important, especially when you know it's nobody you have to be friends with. You can tell them all your fucking real discreet problems. What interferes with your happiness? Is there

something preventing you from achieving your goals? These sound like some self-help bullet points, but I did it today and it was fantastic. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you up with your own licensed professional therapist. My professional therapist was probably not prepared for a comedian who has been drunk for fucking 30 years. So yeah, we got along fantastically. You connect in a safe and private online environment. It's Zoom-like. It's convenient. You can start communicating in under 24 hours. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling. Send a message to your counselor anytime. You'll get timely and thoughtful responses. Plus, you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions all without having to leave the comfort of your own room. Who doesn't love the comfort of their own room in this pandemic?

It was actually brilliant. I wanted to call her back for more. call her back for more. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. I didn't need to change. My gal was perfect right away. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, which, yeah, very pricey. Financial aid is available. The service is available for clients worldwide. And there's a broad range of expertise available, which may not be locally available in many markets. Licensed professional counselors who specialize in depression or stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, trauma, anger, family conflicts, grief, self-esteem. Who doesn't have a problem with self-esteem?

For LGBT matters, anything you share is confidential, convenient, professional, affordable. And remember, better help is not a crisis line. I want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's help, H-E-L-P, BetterHelp.com. H-E-L-P. BetterHelp.com.

Join over 1 million people who have changed their mental state and health. Again, that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Stanhope. Fucking works. Hang on, here's Bob. Tell the story now that he's on so he can wait for 10 minutes

to talk again hello this is a prepaid call from yeah yeah we know I'm gonna cut this part out

a prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections Parnell Facility if you feel you're being victimized or extorted by this prisoner

please contact GTL customer service at 855-466-2832. To accept this call, press 0. To refuse this call, your current balance is $43.49. This call is from a corrections facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. We're back.

Yeah, subject to monitoring. Shouldn't they tell us if someone's listening to this? Because we would have to, you know, like you're being recorded. If you're monitoring us, shouldn't you fucking tell us? Anyway. We just did. No, they said it could be something. Could be, yeah.

Yeah. Well, if you're on the fucking line, we record these. All right, this is a topic for one. You're doing it again. You're doing your thank yous again. Bobby, you were talking. Thank you, Sebastian, for the... So, yeah, so this is in a level four, too.

So in level four, you're in your house all the time. I mean, you're in your cell all the time. And so when the door automatically. When we're on the road, I always say, yeah, I got to go home. Like, I always call the Hampton Inn home or wherever the fuck travel lodge we're staying. Go ahead. You said you're at home on level four. Yeah, so when you're sitting in the house, and these aren't bars.

These are like steel doors with a little slit of a window, right? And they're electronic. So when you're sitting in there, you can't open it from the inside, obviously. When you're sitting in there and it just cranks open because they have control buttons. You're like, what the fuck? And then they call you over the intercom. Calls low. Reports the A-Rust off. Shit. All right. open because they have control but you're like what the fuck and then they call you over the intercom calls well reports the aris oh shit all right now the aris lady is uh she likes me she's uh she says things like oh you're so articulate will you run this mentor group that she had which but but i'm like yeah sure and it's a way to get out of your cell because she really

liked me you know she was like yeah you're trying's a way to get out of your cell because she really liked me you know she was like yeah you're trying to turn your life around whatever so when she calls me in there she's like super disappointed like like what she's like have a seat and I'm like alright I sit down and she says uh do you know who Tara and then she says I don't remember

her last name is and I'm like no I don't and she goes well we got some disturbing mail from our federal institution and um instantly it clicks like oh fucking concrete dumbass that had his girl and he was like I thought he was joking when he was saying like yeah we're gonna write you into one of these things and uh and I was like okay so what what's the deal and she's like well it's been rejected due to content which has been like in in the in which in maxes like that, they have to be really vulgar. Like, I've never seen anyone get shit rejected just due to content, just on a letter.

Because you're allowed to write sexual things and stuff. And so I go, all right. She has to hand you a sheet when something gets rejected where it has the policy that they rejected it for, right? And she's going on about how deplorable this is. But I'm not really listening. I'm reading the thing. So I'm looking at the policy and it says sexual violence, demeaning sexual acts. And then the bottom one is checked off as well with these other ones.

It says bestiality. Now I'm like curious. I'm like, what is it? And I'm like, so she's going on and they have to have a sample of it. I go, well, can I read it? And she's like, absolutely, you cannot read it. You definitely can't. And then she's like, I need you to sign off on this.

I just wanted you to know this has been rejected and I expect better from you. And just like sent me like the principles on this back to the cell. And just was ever since then, she would just shake her head when she saw me. And I have no idea what it was. It must've been really bad. It must've been really bad. I'd pay to get my money on that.

Just real quick to give you like an idea of who this lady that was writing my friend, he's reading a letter one day on the yard and I'm looking at it and he's like, man, she's freestyling. I snatch it from him because I noticed something in the background. Behind the words, she had traced a banana, right? Like a dude would sometimes guys trace their dicks, like to show, like, hey, which, come on, you can fake that.

But, you know, when they send it to, when they mail people. She traced a banana on, like, the, do you think you could fit this tip to him so like in his ass so so that's just to get an idea of the the quality of penmanship we're working with here so I have no idea what's in that so it's definitely a weird one I used to uh I used to trace my cock on the uh inside of uh cds that I was selling after the show I would occasionally pull out my dick and just trace it on the inside CD cover because I didn't have a catchphrase so I just traced my dick and then sign it it's plenty of room for blue of a kid yeah that's a that's a thing that uh so um i tried a lady friend that i talked to and uh

i told her i was going to send her a full-on typical like prison pen pal letter between a guy and a girl and uh i'm like i'm not going to trace my dick right because that's i mean it's too easy to fake so which what i did in place of it, and it's a little hacky, you know, a vulgar dick, and then you write over it. So I created a piece of paper with dimensions on it, like how you would fold a paper airplane. I build a dick, right? So it's like you, like, meet these parts, and you tape here, you know what I mean? And you fold the base for, like, rigidity. And then I wrote a whole thing, like, hey, you idiot, this is not for actual use.

This is modeling. You know what I mean? It's a prototype. Don't touch yourself. I'm trying to use it. I copyrighted the logo. I had Bill the Dick logo on it. I thought it was cute.

So my question earlier was, do people get jealous that you have all these fucking podcasts that you're doing and you're getting all sorts of fan mail? No, I don't really like letting a lot of people know about that because there is a lot of that. There's what people call dropping heights or dry snitching, which I don't even remember the term dry snitching. I was telling you about Shubali. Mr. Shubali.

Yeah, you were mad about some tweet. And I said, oh, he's dry snitching. You said, write that down. Dry snitching. Kind of like dry humping, like unintentionally telling. So there's a lot of that. So I don't really let people know. And when you get your mail here, because you don't have a bunkie, it just slides to the door. So for Christmas, I got a bunch of Christmas cards and stuff.

But no, not really. People don't know. And so many people lie here that if I said it, I don't think they'd believe me. You know what I mean? My inner circle of friends know. I got like some buddies that I hang out with who know, who are fans of yours and stuff, and they're always like,

you know, they're like little... I got some Shaley's running around, but much less confident than Shaley. Much less confident. I can't get them to do shit for me. They're just trying to ride coattails. If, and I'm saying if, I'm not, this is not a call to arms, killer termites, but if they were to flood the warden with gifts that would please him or her...

To please the warden? That would be bad. Yeah, I know. That would be bad. That would be bad for me. It would be really bad. Unless they did, like, anonymously. They found some other...

Yeah, they did it anonymously. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. I don't... I got no idea. We used to... I'm sure they're still out there, but we used to have some kind of PI types,

hacker types. We had them. I just don't know... Hey, find out the warden's favorite cigar or fucking brand of scotch. Well, can I, so we do like, we fuck with people, man. There's this kid in here we call Sensitivist, right? I guess he used to use steroids

in the world, and he has like, you know, I don't remember the term, but when you're pecked, like get loose, you know, you're not on steroids anymore, you're gonna get bitched. And he's super sensitive, so we call him Sensitivist, right? He's my favorite person to make meth, because it's so easy. He's short, and he gets to stomping around and shit. And one of my buddies, Blaze Synthetist, right? He's my favorite person to make mad because it's so easy. He's short.

He gets us stomping around and shit. And one of my buddies, Blaze, the chemist, we were like, what if we got a bunch of people to just mail in bras? Because they'd have to reject them, right? They couldn't give them to him, but he would get hurt on all these rejections. They'd say on the paper, it'd say, female bra, D-cup. And every time they'd call him out and go, what the fuck? Why are you having people send you broad?

And he would be so irate. So, so mad. He would instantly know it was me, though. Like, instantly know. The sense of tits nickname kind of gives it away. But I really, uh. I think we've talked about this on our own that what it must be like to be the smartest person in prison like oh yeah you you don't have a lot of rivals so do you have to

dumb yourself down around people are they constantly coming for you coming to you like how do you spell this in some yes that actually does happen a lot and and then i'll get like weird like uh just weird questions that i that i begrudgingly want to pretend i don't know but my my ego is too large not to you know i mean they'll be like uh what's the capital of florida I'm like, I don't fucking know. I'm telling you. Yeah, I get a lot of that. There's a couple people you can find. I think I've been in prison since 13, and I've probably met one, probably three people that I can actually, like, what a dick I sound like. You're like, who would it like to be the smartest guy in prison?

I don't even question it. I'm like, well, let me tell you. It's a big fish, small pond. I'm not giving you too much credit that you can't wrap your head around it. Yeah, it can be frustrating. I think one of my skills and it works well with the podcast, but I can take complex ideas and kind of break

them down. Wait, are you mixing that into a tequila sunrise? A mix me one. Hang on. We're going to do orange and purple together. Yes. Suicide. Never. I'm doing it. Go ahead. Anyway, Chase will do that. Finish. No, Iace will do that.

No, I was just saying that it's not as bad as you'd think. I mean, it is and it isn't. It depends on when you ask me. There's a couple of guys that I can talk to about stuff. Would you fit into the category of jailhouse lawyers? Do you know enough law that people are coming? Or Andy Dufresne,

like the accountant no like it's yeah no no not even close absolutely not andy dufresne was like real like that was his only go-to right he had to do that because that was his i admit immediately that i'm not the guy that does because legal work that's a whole language inside itself and i don't want to learn that i'm that's for someone else i think for my buddy blaze he knows how to do that shit i just my job is much easier i just comment on shit you know what i mean just uh notice shit comment on it report it over uh over podcast are you are you friendly uh with any of the screws as we called them when i was in the joint back in 1936 as we called them when I was in the joint back in 1936.

Back when you were in the joint? What do you, what's the nomenclature for guards? Like, screws has to be antiquated. If you don't have fucking pruno, what is it? Yeah, yeah. We call them the hook. But you also call them the COs or cops. But the hook is like the main, I think it's regional.

I don't know if it's regional, but up here we call them the hook. I don't know what it means. Oh, okay. Oh, here's my question. Hang on, sorry. I knew I had a question and I knew I should have been writing them down. I just watched some movie that's all fucking tension and no story, but it was Escape from Pretoria. So a couple of white activists in South Africa during fighting apartheid,

and they escaped from a South African prison. And I wanted to ask you, how often when you first got locked up, did you think about escaping, and did you ever have a reasonable plan? Oh, and the other question was uh what's the weirdest thing you've hidden in your butt in the last 13 years or seven years my finger and it's like twice as big probably but nothing nothing in there haven't had to um Not that I'm above it. Like, if I could have... See, here's the thing, and this kind of ties into your first question. Because I came down with a 12-year sentence, it's not quite long. If you attempt to escape, it's five extra years minimum.

So it's like I was right on that level where I would, like, imagine it, but I didn't really... I'm, like, right in that zone where it's not really worth it. My first year, a guy did escape on Super Bowl Sunday. It was snowing, and all the hooks were distracted, and he had to hug his way out, and

made it down to Wisconsin, I believe. I think he killed a woman, which is like... After he escaped, or he was in prison for killing a woman? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he carjacked someone and killed them and then got caught. But yeah, I don't know.

I never really had a plan with that. And because of my time, if I had life, if I had all day, as they say, if they're playing for life, if I had all day, I would definitely have been plot-deploying I'm sure. But I was in a range where it's like, it's not worth it if I was to get caught. And then you're on the run every day. I'm not great at that. I would have got tired.

I mean, can you imagine after your... You're easy to spot with those fucking tattoos and your half-Asian-ness. Yeah, no doubt. It would have been immediately. You have one minute remaining. Plus, could you imagine after your sentence is up, you make it out the first year,

12 years later when it passes and you would have been out, I just would have been like, God damn it. I should have just waited. I'd be out by now. Yeah. Can you call again? I can do whatever you want. I don't know if some fucking ape is behind you fucking grimacing at you, giving you a

shit grimace. Oh, yeah. You have those tattoos. You're also Asian. Ambiguously ethnic. I'm doing all that. You could be a cop that's not going to hurt that bad. Could be.

I am. A pleasing cop. A gentle going to hurt that bad. Could be. I am. A pleasing cop. A gentle cop, as they say. Yeah. Is it in? Well, my Build-A-Dick model would be just there. Alright. We'll do 15 more minutes with Bobby since I'm

a bit off the wagon. I'm feeling the boost. What a piece of shit I am. Just took you off right off the the wagon. I'm feeling the booze. What a piece of shit I am. Just took you off right off the fucking wagon. No, no, it's been... Thank you for using GTL. We can't even call that off the wagon, drinking the prison hooch.

It's not enough booze. Yeah, no. It feels like a warm... Like a hot toddy, you know? One night, I should mention the DirecTV because I don't know if I gave follow-up on a podcast, where, yeah, they finally did refund. I got them, and it was a tweet. I tweeted.

Like, after all that time I spent on fucking hold, when I finally got them on the phone, they weren't going to refund fucking two years of en Español. aren't going to refund fucking two years of an espanol the shady dell.com that is where you stay if you come to bisbee and you're staying at the shady dell and i'm in town i will have a beer with you i won't hang out that long we're not going to be good friends i don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at theshadydell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from

and we look for reasons to go stay there, come to theshadydell.com sponsored by I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know so but I tweeted about it

AT&T fucking called me oh and yeah they because of a tweet and only because I have followers yeah if they fuck you like that, you get shit. Fuck DirecTV. So you cancel them? No, we can't cancel them until football is over.

And then it's too much work. Zero. To refuse this call, hang up or press one. Your current balance is $40. Bobby still doesn't know about the whole Pantshitting story That was the night I went off the fucking wagon That was the first night we all drank

Yeah that was the only time I got drunk Was Bobby Yeah yeah Can I say something real quick Let me just acknowledge And pay tribute to the surreal nature of life, right? I'm in prison, on the phone, with a comic that I've loved for, you know, really liked.

This gets weird when I get to compliment you. No, you just said loved, and then you dialed it back to really like. All right, okay. Did you find another comic? Are you doing fucking what the fuck with mark maron next no but wait i'm just telling you right now rogan pops up you're falling back to shaley no but i come on man i'm on the phone you know right recording with uh stanhope and shaley who are drinking prison wine that i told them how to make, and one or three calls deep, and they're like, what is happening in life?

This is simulation. It's not real. None of this is real. I just wanted to take a second to tip my hat for the fact that all this weirdness is actually real. Got a lot of fans out there, Bobby. Yeah, figures. Come to prison and have a chance. I went to prison to make it big.

Hey, kid, how'd you do it? How'd you do it, sir? Well, I always said that when people asked me why I moved to Bisbee, I said to make it big. I'm pretty sure this is where the magic happens. Yeah, well, I don't know where we were, but I'm doing sure this is where the magic happens yeah well I don't know where we were but I'm doing another shot give me a fucking half and half again we're drinking all this fucking

prison hooch oh my god it is a bit yeah I don't know if you belched that bag enough cause I'm belching ridiculous amounts. Oh, yeah. I'm so proud of you, man.

I know. I'm proud of myself, too, Robert. You should be. You should be. I got the fucking number one book as voted by my people. I know the other ones. I'd be out Maria Bamford and Colin Jost, which Colin Jost made me happy.

Oh, Colin Jost. He's got enough going for him. He's banging Scarlett Johansson. What more do you need? You know what I mean? What? Spread the wealth. You know what I mean?

I don't know who any of these people are. Apparently they get People Magazine prison. I only knew Colin Jost from... Because his book is called Punchable Face. And I had a bit where I was railing on all the punchable faces that I hate as much as my own. And I didn't think enough people knew who he was. So I dropped him from the list. Then he comes out with a book about...

Punchable Face is the title. I'm like, yeah, you were in my Punchable Face fucking bit, but I dropped you because I didn't think anyone knew you. Do you think he got it from... That's where he got it from? No, he has no idea who I am.

No. He does. He definitely does. Fuck no. And neither of them follow me on Twitter, so fuck him. Fuck him. He's fucking Scarlett Johansson. You know who she is. Hell yeah. I know that name.

So, you know who my top, my number one punchable face is that at least jumped up to the top of the list? Tucker Carlson. Oh, yeah. He's got those eyebrows that are always peaked. The parts that are closest together are always peaked up in the perpetual faith of like, you believe

this guy? You know what I mean? I just want to... If we're going Fox News punchable faces, Greg Gutfeld. Laura Ingraham. Yes. Huge. He has the axe mark between where his nose meets his eyebrows. It looks like someone hit him with a fucking axe. It's this divot.

You could hold paper in there. Yeah, he's the fucking worst. Yeah, I was going to say Laura Ingram chip reader chip reader yeah I was going to say Laura Ingram but Gutfield for sure

it's all those smarmy guys that act tough that you know have never been into a fucking fight and you know if you flinched at them they'd shit themselves or like fall down and they're just talking tough in front of a couple cameras were you a fighter before prison? I know you caused problems, but were you like someone who went out of their way to find a fight?

No, no, no. But I was, this is going to sound like a stripper with a heart of gold bullshit, but I'm real protective of my friends. And I'd say nine in family and i'd say like 90 plus percent of my fight which i've been in a few were were for that or someone being a dick and like poking one of my friends in the face that they you know thought they could get away with and stuff like that but i you know i don't look go around looking for fights stuff i've been in oh see chaley and i uh, we've had a few run-ins where

physical violence might have happened. And for us, it's who's going to run first. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to be the faster than the guy, just faster than Chaley. And he's all

burdened with the merch. And the last time when it happened... He's got a bag of stolen Bibles on his back. I can outrun him. Don't let that merch go, Shaley! That's what the Bibles are actually about. Oh, my God! You must be allowed a Bible in there.

Yeah, I have tons of books. Yeah, but can you send us a Bible? I know the rules on sending a book in, but can you send a book? Yeah, I can mail shit out. Yeah, a stolen prison Bible from Bobby?

Oh my God, is it... That'll bump up the LJ pay. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. We'll put that on the fucking Christmas eBay yard sale. They actually have them at the library over there for reference use. I'll jack one of those things. For reference?

Yeah, meaning you don't bring them back. You can read them. If you sign up for Law Library Library, you can go over there for a couple hours. Why am I even in this motherfucking joint? For reference, here's the Bible. Thou shalt not kill. Oh, thank you.

Thank you for clarifying. Why do I need the book now? That was a Geechee guy joke. I started reading the Bible in a hotel. I'm doing a huge disservice. And I liked it, so I took it with me. They should really put some kind of marker on that

Thou Shalt Not Steal page. Or at least put it in the beginning. I'll have to cover it. That shit should be right on the cover. Yeah, I can... I'll have to find an envelope or some sort of box to mail it out in.

Well, see, this one will be better, but they're not letting us do it because of Corona right now. I have a shit ton of books, and a couple times a year, I'll have my people, when they come visit me, pick them up and take them home with them. So the next time they let us do that, I'll make sure to jack a Bible. Just before I forget, Saturday, Tuesday again? Is that the next one? Tuesdays work for you,

Robert? Yeah, yeah, whenever. Yeah, Tuesday. Tuesday the 15th. Yeah, and congratulations on your Yeah, I think, yeah, Tuesday. Tuesday the 15th. Yeah, and congratulations on your book. What's that, Bobby? No, it's at 12. No, I was just telling him congratulations on the book, man.

I can't wait to read it. And I've been, you know, at first when I thought it was coming out, I'm like, sweet. Because, so I've got two of your books. I've got This Is Not Fame, which is my favorite. I've got Digging Up Mother, which I got first. And then my mom, as she's going through the list of books, because before me and you connected, I was like,

I can't get my little stand-up fiction here as much. I'm telling her to look up comedian books. Comedian books. Bert Kreischer, I don't know if he has more than one, but his first one, I think it's called

the fucking, what does he call himself? I don't remember. He's got that drawn-on crown. Oh, The Machine. The Machine, that's it. The Machine. Yeah, I need to get that done. I got people wanting to send me books for Christmas.

But as she's going through the list, she's reading titles off, right? She's like, Digging Up Mother. I'm like, yeah, I think that was his first one. Yeah, get that. And I read that. And I'm like, what's next? She's like, well, there's two. There's This Is Not Fame and Having Fun With Pedophiles, I believe.

Yeah, Fun With Pedophiles. They're not letting that one. Yeah, Chaley, I think, has been telling me for 15 years that he's going to re-release that with a new title. We already have it. I have the artwork done. It's just one of these things. It's low on the totem pole. But yeah, it's going to be called The Best of Baiting.

We're going to take any reference to pedophilia out of it because I think it'll sell better. And it's very fucking funny. It's the only thing I've ever done that I've laughed at every single time I've read it. It's like 20 some years old. It's just logs from AOL

Instant Messenger fucking with pedophiles. Oh my god, I need it. The title alone is the only reason it would get rejected. These idiots would look at it and go, nope, and then just reject it. A lot of people that are not in prison would reject putting that on their credit card

or even searching it on their Google. Yeah, don't put pedophile on the title. That's not a good sales technique. That's the first day of marketing class. Don't put pedophile on the title. Why not? I wish I had a prison ID because when I vomit up all this prison hooch we keep drinking while we're on the phone with you, I want to have a way to slide it off the table.

You know what I should do? I should put my prison ID in because it cost me five bucks to get a new one. And I should send one of those out too. You could sell that at the merch table or put it as a bookmark in the Bible. Yeah, for the eBay yard sale, not the merch table. Don't get ahead of yourself. We're not going on the road anytime soon. Right on.

So, yeah, there's that book I can't get, so I was really looking forward to this new one, to which you said the title's different than when you told it to me. It was the 2016 Vision. Oh, yeah. Hindsight is 2016. Yeah, that was Dave Rader's title idea that got shit-canned. Yeah, it's no encore for

the donkey. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait to... That's still going to be a little while though, right? February. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to – that's still going to be a little while though, right? So it's actually – February. On paper, hard. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to get that as soon as it's out. And, yeah, the other one. So, yeah, congratulations, man. That's awesome. I'm super proud of you. That's awesome. I'm happy for you. Yeah, it's evidently – Arizona, was that you, Tracy, that told me Arizona is back to number one in the worst state for COVID?

Top of the charts. Another thing to be proud of. I didn't know Tracy was there. Hi, Tracy. Hello. She was outside. I had to pull her mic down because I could hear her talking to the cat, and she wasn't in the room. So she's back on now.

Oh, the cat's back. That's great we did a podcast the other day where my co-host captain freddy um had ordered i guess they uh legalized for medicinal use psilocybin so he ordered a candy bar that was enough for like four doses he ate the whole thing and uh i called him during it and like right when he's peaking and uh i start talking with him you know i'm just he's like he can barely she's drunk too so he can barely talk i'm going first stage of psilocybin trip giggle second and i'm just talking with him and the cat's out there and i and i'm going the cat can see your soul and then i start talking as the cat i said yeah because this cat's name is pistola i'm like i, I'm not even Hispanic, you piece of shit.

I'm Norwegian. You know that if you paid attention to me. And he's just freaking, he's like really starting to like lose his shit. He's like, this fucking cat, man. Hangs up on me on the second call because I'm just fucking with him. Hangs up on me. Talk to him like 24 hours, not even, 20 hours later in the morning. And he's like just calming down.

He's like, never tripped that hard in my life. And so we put together three calls where we, like, mushed it all together. He was in the retrospective part of the trip, and then we summed it up. We played it all backwards, so it ends with a super intense trip. I definitely have to trip soon. Listen, I miss that so much. At least once or twice a year is a reset. You know what I mean?

I can't do that. That's the one thing that's not it. I wrote this in my notebook for no other reason than it's a great idea. Are you old enough to remember Paraquat? No. It was like the Agent Orange poison that they were spraying in the early 80s on marijuana

fields to poison dope smokers to try to queer them off the dope by oh, it could kill you. Well, that didn't work. But I thought what a great way, because I have one minute remaining. I've always been a pro-drug guy until meth reared its ugly head.

So what if we laced meth with DMT? So not only do you see the meaning of life, it lasts for like 16 hours. And you won't stop telling people about it. Bobby, it's... I'm glad we get to do a fucking three-parter with you. Just in the big leagues now.

Just on my way to the merch table. I love you guys. You know I love you guys. When I talk to you again, hopefully I'll be back to a complete sobriety. You got to belch this bag with the prison hooch. Tracy burped on me. Shayla, you're a real OG now. You're an official convict out there in the world. The one person in the world brewing prison hooch.

I'm not going to tell anyone about that. Thank you for using GTL. That was wicked fun. We're still rolling, Chase. Why are you messing with your mic? Well, I took my headphones off. I don't need to hear Bobby anymore, but

yeah, that was a ton of fun. So we've got Saturday night to get through and then football Sunday. Yeah. And we've got people showing up. Wait, who's showing up? I thought you said neighbor Dave and Fred. Oh, yeah, for football. Yeah.

All right. I thought you said. I thought it was right i i thought you said it was clear then you said football sunday and then people are showing up so uh then monday that's you're gonna stop again the 40 for 40 well yeah i'm always planning on stopping but uh yeah i've always been fucking legal to drive, except for the edibles, where you go, oh, I can drive. And you're like, no, I took two edibles. I'm fucking high as fuck. I can't drive.

But as far as alcohol, I've not drank. Well, tonight is, I guess, yeah, with prison hooch, I probably shouldn't drive. Yeah. And I'm going to run with that. Because what good is the wagon if you can't fall off? Why Sapporo's? Just had a hankering for some Japanese beer? No, no, because when I was only going to drink.

Too big. Yeah, if I'm going to drink a beer, I'm going to drink a 22-ounce beer. Before, I don't know. It's a big support. It's a beautiful can. All right. Yep. That's what happens.

Hey, all of you out there, if you're losing your shit, hey, I signed up for, did you sign up for Greg Chaley? Because a new sponsor is betterhelp.com. Yeah. Where I was a little uneasy with reading their shit verbatim where I go, oh, I can sell this? Because, yeah, a lot of people, it's counseling teleconferenced and you sign up for it. I don't know how much it costs, but in the read, I noticed, don't say this out loud, but yes, we as hosts get two months of free counseling.

What? You're not supposed to say that at all. You're not supposed to say that. At all. You're not supposed to mention that. Well, we're not doing a drop right now. They're not listening to this. This is going to go out on Wednesday. Yeah, but we're not putting a plug for them

in this where they're going to screen it. We have three weeks with them. They didn't say, fuck you, you can't ever mention. It says it on the paper. It says don't read it in the fucking ad ever in my life. No. Is this like Grand Theft Auto where I had to fucking dress up in one of those GCI fucking suits and then they never put me in the goddamn game,

but I signed my life away. I can never mention it. No, you just don't mention that they're giving you two months. Say that you called and that you have an account. Then say that. Well, you must have seen some kind of detailed fucking thing. I read the whole thing, yeah. Didn't say you... Alright. Point is, I'm going to be doing counseling through BetterHelp.com, and I'm'm going to be doing counseling through betterhelp.com

and I'm not going to fuck with them I do want to be right I want to maybe win a battle if someone seems like they're not up to the snuff that I am I fucking better helped Lynn Shawcroft yesterday I talked to her

I go well why don't you do this? And she goes, that's a great idea. I go, yeah, maybe like Cameo, we should do some of these things ourselves. I'm a counselor. I'll send you a birthday greeting

via video. To be clear, BetterHelp is a sponsor. Doug does not work for BetterHelp, and he is not a phone. He will not answer the phone at BetterHelp. Hang on. BetterHelp, that's our target audience. People who are fucked and might need someone to talk to. That's why I said, absolutely, I will do these reads.

I just wish I could have a little bit more play. And I believe by doing counseling myself that I will not fuck with. I'll talk to him about some shit. I'm making lists of some shit. All that stuff that fucking wanders through my head when I'm doing morning fucking dishes. And I'm like, if someone could be in my head right now, ignore the soundtrack that is behind all these fucking rapid cycling thoughts. Yeah, I would like someone to fucking listen to that and go, oh, that seems to be a problem. Or if they don't think that's a problem, then I win.

I appreciate everyone out there. I appreciate every one of you out there. How's that liquor? Wow. Those shots got a little something in them. Yeah, we pretty much killed two of these decanters. I think the only reason we killed as much of the purple one is because we were mixing it with the orange.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't feel pukey. I feel Sarah Quilley. Yeah. Ride this out until football morrow.

How about them Wolverhampton Wolves? How about you? Thank you all for listening. We'll keep on keeping on. I think we have another life left in us. Take us out, Bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.