The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #50: Sydney, Australia Podcast with comedians Nick Sun and Ben Ellwood

Episode Date: November 20, 2014

In between the Sydney shows Doug welcomes comedians Ben Ellwood and Nick Sun to the podcast to discuss hen parties, worst shows ever and odd places to yank.This podcast sponsored by-The Science Documentary ”Wonders Of Life” - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2699374/-Saxx Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/-Plastic Jug Vodka - https://www.danmurphys.com.au/product/DM_906085/mishka-vodka-700mlFollow these Sydney comicsNick Sun - http://www.nicksun.com and Ben Ellwood - http://benellwood.comRecorded Nov. 15, 2014 in Sydney, Australia with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Ben Ellwood (@BenEllwood11), Nick Sun, Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan) and new promoter, Unlaid “Lucky” Alex. Engineered by Alex. Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.(Editor’s Note) That’s 50 Episodes! I really appreciate you taking the time to listen. Lots more coming up and even some merch. Stay tuned. ~Ggreg ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la La la la Alright this is the Doug Stano podcast From Australia Stanhope podcast from Australia. Australia. With Nick's son. Ben Elwood. Hello.

Brian, the filthy uncut Scotsman. Greetings. Bingo doesn't have a mic, but if she has something to say, we'll hand her one. And our new promoter, the unlaid Alex. Lucky Alex. Alright, you guys are going to have to carry this

fucking thing, because I... Why is Alex unlaid? I'm just giving him shit. He thought he had a girl at Canberra and didn't pan out for you? It didn't work. Why not? Did you fuck it up or did she

No, she was trying to get me to go to some club so she went through him and he got her number and everyone as she left was applauding him and patting him on the back going oh she's really into you and he's like and then

when she called again is are you bringing Stan Hope to the club I'm here with my boyfriend maybe she just auctioned him off at the end of the show or something like that. Yeah, we'll try to work on that. Four girls in the crowd. The back nine of this tour, we'll try to get Alex laid.

Right now, I'm just trying to get through second show in Sydney. I left last night, and then we got hammered on the balcony at the hotel. I don't remember the end of it. Evidently, I was with Alex for an hour after everyone left where in my mind when I woke up, I thought, I guess I went to bed early.

No, I was up. I just don't remember those parts. So I woke up still drunk and then just decided to keep running. So I drank until about 12.30

and took another downer. Are you okay, man? Yes, he's a bit groggy that's that's brian's spin on it no you're just groggy he's trying to convince me no you're just groggy yeah i'm pretty fucking drunk is that is that a thing you do generally just walk straight off stage and get the fuck out of there rather than deal with the fans well in the states we sell merch after the show and that's uh you know that's how i pay chaley my my tour manager, is off merch. So I have to go out.

If I don't go out, you sell way less merch, and that fucks his money. So I have to go out and glad hand people. But there's no way to fucking a 900-seater. What if you got a stunt double or something like that? But not even someone who looked like you, just someone who dressed the same way as you, but like a small Indian boy. We were talking about doing that with someone. Like Crunchy the Clown. I'm Doug Stanhope.

Oh, we did that once. We did that once with radio. With radio, yeah. We were in San Francisco. We've probably talked about this on the podcast. I think you've talked about this. All right, forget it. Anyway, yeah.

I sent some guy to... I had morning, like good morning san francisco tv and uh it was like 2 30 in the morning and we were doing coke at uh it was i did my show and then rogan was in town so we went to rogan's late show and hung out late with him after hours and i'm like there's no fucking way i'm getting up at seven in the morning so i found a local comic there was a newer guy and i go hey go go do this thing and just say you're me because no one knew who i was at that time i just did the man show but it hadn't come out so i just sent him and for some reason i dressed him up as me that's back when I just wore a long overcoat and a knit you know beanie what do you call him and what's the I don't know a beanie yeah yeah just a knit cap

but he was like 12 years younger than me and about eight inches taller but he went and he did morning good morning san francisco television as me and i have footage uh or at least still photos red band has footage and i have it on tv with the my feet sticking up at the end of the bed and then tv with him on it and the the graphic underneath it says doug stan, host of The Man Show. And he did the interview just completely straight. Did he impersonate you or did he do it as himself? No, he just did it. So how did you get into comedy?

Well, you know, I just... He Johnny Rottened it. Fell into it. Yeah. Do you think he came across better as you than you would have as you? He was a lot more sober. He was a lot more on point. But he actually came to the hotel to pick up the overcoat and the knit hat.

Wow. That's going to help. No one knows who I am anyway. Anyway, fucking you guys killed last night. Nick's son I know from however, how did I even meet you? I have no idea. You were looking for an opening act. Where?

In America. And I was there to do the Seattle Comedy Competition and just run away from my life. And then some guy I didn't know said, Stan's looking for you and I thought it was just some weird joke and then someone else was like no he's really looking for you and so then then something some email was sent and then I fucking hated the competition because it was just terrible and I was just like is that the, the first time I met you was when you took the bus? Yeah. I was in Florida.

So I don't know... You must have met before that if you were seeking him out. No, we just had one phone call. No, you saw my YouTube clip or something like that. And I don't know because I've seen that YouTube clip. Well, I wouldn't have asked you to take... What you did is you ended up taking a bus from Seattle to Florida.

Yeah, I was like three days or four days. I was a big fan before that bus trip. The shit I saw, man. I was like, oh, this is a real America. I saw this. What is the difference between Seattle and Florida for someone? I have no idea. Oh, my God.

It's longer than Sydney to Perth. Oh shit. It was meant to be a three day bus trip and then the bus broke down so I missed my connection in Chicago and then I was just stranded in some Chicago bus joint for like Perth to Brisbane I guess would probably be

as far as you could go and probably longer because you had to go down Florida's a peninsula. Yeah, pretty much. What kind of environments do you travel through? Oh, fuck, man. Every fucking one.

Man, I was sharing the bus at some point with this weird juggalo. Well, you know what? You didn't think you could have the bus to yourself, did you? Well, it was promising

for the Montana trip. He's done a support act. How could he not have the bus to himself? Well, no, not really, but I mean, I wasn't expecting to watch some of the shit.

How much did it cost to buy all the tickets in a Greyhound? That'd be quite cool. I was like... You know what? I like buses. I get to see the country, meet lots of interesting, crazy people. That's what you tell yourself when it's happening. Watch a guy get blown under a blanket.

That was good. While a juggler guy poked him with his walking stick, which is a stick covered in dirty rags. Those are the memories I'll never forget. Oh. That's what I paid the money for. And yeah, you missed a gig, too.

I missed a gig. And then I was eating a burrito out the front of this fucking hotel place, really fragile, because I got given all these mushroom chocolates,

so I was just like, I'll just eat these to help the bus ride go by. Oh yeah, nothing speeds up time like mushrooms. It was really good for the food until I missed the connection. And I was just stranded in Atlanta fucking tripping. And they had, like, riot cops everywhere. And this guy came up to me with, like, fucking three fingers missing from his hand just going, can I have a dollar?

And I was like, oh, I'll give you two dollars. And he goes, no, I can get two cheeseburgers. And I was like, oh, I'll give you two dollars. And he goes, no, I can get two cheeseburgers. And I was like, wow, what a country. I want to move here. Just to fuck with Inman, you should do a show called Greyhound Diary. We just pretend Inman's thing never existed. Yeah, we did the Culture Room.

I remember that. The Culture Room. Fort Lauderdale? Fort Lauderdale. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it did the Culture Room. I remember that. The Culture Room. Fort Lauderdale? Fort Lauderdale. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it stunk. I was still bus-lagged. Bus-lagged.

I don't know what happened there. And then you came to Bisbee. Yeah, yeah. I don't even remember you being there. I remember picking him up. I remember picking you up at the fucking only we don't have greyhound did you take a greyhound from florida to arizona after that probably because that's so yeah yeah no i took a i like to see the countryside i know that sounds weird but oh my god yeah so bisbee or we had to pick you up in benson because the greyhound

doesn't go to bisbee so it's like six thousand miles on a grey had to pick you up in Benson because the Greyhound doesn't go to Bisbee. That's like 6,000 miles on a Greyhound. Do you live in Bisbee also, Brian? No, I just happened to be visiting. Oh, okay, right, right. And so Benson doesn't have a Greyhound stop, so they just dumped him at the McDonald's. The McDonald's is the Greyhound stop in Benson. But there's no sign or anything.

It's just that dinosaur. And that's still 50 miles away from Bisbee. That's as close as you can get to Bisbee on a bus as Benson. And yeah, we picked you up with all your shit. How long were you in Bisbee? Was there a party going on? No, it was just five days. And then Bingo gave me this huge bag of weed. And I smoked that and got really paranoid.

I was like, oh my God, I'm at Stan Oaks' house. What the fuck is happening? I remember I couldn't talk to you, so then I'd just go off to walk to the fucking Borderlands, and then I was just walking around really high, watching pigs running around. Javelina, yeah. And then it was a weird time of my life. Did you not do a gig in Tucson that week? Yeah, I remember we did the John Dillinger Hotel.

Yeah, the Club Congress? Yeah, I remember that. That was great. So it must have been December. Yeah, it must have been December. All right, that sounds right. That makes sense. Lauderdale, November, December.

And Ben Elwood I met. On memory lane. Desert Party. No, no, no. We met in 2005 when you came. When I played here. Your first tour around Australia, which didn't end up so well for you. Yeah.

You seemed like a real miserable cunt the whole time. I don't think the crowds knew what they were getting into when they came and saw you. No, but that was hilarious. That was the funniest shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd seen people been offensive before, but I'd never seen someone walk like two-thirds of the crowd. That was the weird people.

I remember there was this woman in the crowd, and she had a 15-year-old kid in the literally front row. You know, father, mother, 15-year-old kid, and you're like, how old are you? And she's like, oh, 15. He's like, got pussy yet? And the woman's face just blanched white, and she had this fucking frozen smile on her face, just too afraid to leave.

And he's like, what about drugs? What drugs have you done? Sodomy, you should try sodomy. This fucking woman was just like frozen in shock. Who brings a fucking 15-year-old kid to a comedy show? Who brings you as a headliner to a weekend? At that time people were just turning up and going

one comedy please and not really knowing what they were kind of getting themselves into at the comedy store. So they would just see whatever. Do you remember the hens night that you ruined? No. Oh, help me out. Amazing. These like awful obnoxious fucking hens barreled in. And they were wearing the tiaras. Hens party is a bachelorette party for the listener

who does not know the nomenclature of the Australian lingo. They were all wearing sashes and tiaras and everything. And about 20 minutes into the show, you're leaning over them. No one cares about your special day, you self-indulgent cunt. And this woman burst into tears. you ruined my night good get the fuck out of here and they totally ended up walking it was fucking amazing amazing there was a night in dallas where a similar thing happened a bachelorette party came to my show at the dallas improv and you know they wanted all the attention,

so I gave them the attention, but in the wrong way. And she literally left crying, and she's out, and her friends are trying to console her in the lobby, and Bingo went out and tried to sell them merch. Great. How did that go? How did they react to you? Take a mic. She just started crying more and how did that make you feel i was laughing

it was like cds t-shirts dvds there was a recent bachelor party that was cool where was that you did a gig someone you actually said i love this town it's the only place i've ever been with a bachelor partyorette party. It was cool. Oh, that's right. Where was that? They were front row San Francisco. Yes.

San Francisco. But they actually knew who they were coming to see. Are you finding that that's happening more for you now that people, for the most part, would know who they're seeing? Are you finding that there's not so much conflict with the crowd? Yeah. they're saying are you finding that there's not so much conflict with the crowd yeah well they once you step up the ticket price to a certain level people aren't just wandering in yeah it's not a cover charge anymore it's a ticket price but is that part of you that misses a lot of me misses that i fucking love that i love hurting people's feelings when they put no effort into their weekend entertainment no due diligence to

figure out what the fuck this is about uh so so uh yeah i didn't know i met you when i was here in sydney i have i i did like i did like a little open spot for like the open mic tuesday thing and then i remember uh when you came on you were like, bring back the Ho Chi Minh kid. I was like, wow, stand-ups are racist. This is great. Did you hear Ben's little story about when Mark Maron played the same club, the comedy story?

Oh, Jesus. Go, tell it. He was just going through his divorce, so he was toxic. How's he on the mic? I'm sorry. So he was like in a really toxic place, and the emcee that they had for the night was just a very jokey,

blokey kind of comedian. He was doing this routine about just before he'd bring Maradona, he did like 10, 15 minutes about how crazy are birds? And so he's doing this, how crazy are seagulls? I mean, as soon as they see a chip, one of them just gets on a walkie-talkie like, rah, chips, rah, chips. And Marin's just on the back seething,

like muttering to himself. And he finally gets brought on and Marin gets on and he's like, yeah, give it up for Lindsay and his birds. Dripping fucking agent. And within the other, there was another bit about a crow. And the next night he got up and he's like, give it up for Lindsay and the classic crow bit.

But that's his opener. It just trashed Lindsay for like eight minutes. It was so funny. We were doing, me and Nick were on a night that Marin was on and we were out the back having complete nervous breakdowns. I was looking at this mole on my arm going like, oh my God, it's definitely cancer. It's so funny. We were doing, me and Nick were on a night that Marin was on, and we were out the back having complete nervous breakdowns. I was looking at this mole on my arm going, like, oh, my God, it's definitely cancer.

It's definitely cancer. And Nick's looking at his notes going, it's all shit. It's all shit. And Marin's got his head in his hands going, fuck her, fuck her. And suddenly he looks up and clocks us, and he goes, hey, you guys remind me of me. I didn't know whether to be really, like, really pleased with myself or really insulted.

I can't do the quote justice, but when we saw him backstage at the comedy store, whatever he said was fucking brilliant. Yeah. I was not saying I'm being newly humble, at least publicly or something like that. Yeah. I have a new humility or humble. Yeah, I'm practicing a new humility, at least publicly. At least publicly.

Or at least outwardly. Yeah. But he said something funny. So there you go. Shout to mark marin so ben at the time when you're in the comedy store you were the bartender when you first yeah yeah that was that was fucking great man like i spent like a year and a half just as bar guy there and so i got to meet a lot of amazing comics that i'd appreciated just as a comedy watcher it was just nice getting now of course no no, I saw you on TV before we ever met, and I really liked your stuff.

I was like, that guy really likes Bill Hicks, I can tell. So I met a lot of comics that I really admired, but it was nice to get to know them as humans and not necessarily as an open-mic-er that wanted advice or, hey, can you give me a poster quote or whatever. It was just... So it was great. That's how I met you. I met Provenza.

A lot of those guys. Provenza played this store? Yeah, it was just when the aristocrats came. Aristocrats. The Sydney. We're in Sydney, Australia. I should have mentioned that. We're on the Australian tour.

We're somewhere about dead in the middle. And dead is the right word today. But yeah, the Sydney Comedy Store I worked. I kept saying 2002 or three but evidently it was early 05 yeah it was a really golden time there they had a guy managing the place that just loved comedy and so they brought a whole lot of great people out and the bar staff were just the bar staff yeah we're all encouraged to be really kind of bawdy and rude to the customers it was great it was such a great

vibe and it was it was like the real hub for hanging out yeah but the way they got driven into debt yeah yeah it's all the changed hands and everything's different now but in the past they fly someone out for two weeks they put them up and also i did two weeks yeah you were there for two and as a starting comic you you know you would do tuesday open mic and if you were good enough you'd graduate to wednesday new comics and if you were good enough you'd graduate to Wednesday new comics and if you were good enough you'd graduate to Thursday Friday support so you really felt a trajectory and now it's it's a very different landscape in Australia now it's like if you don't pop in those first two years you're kind of dead in the water so it's interesting well I'm sure there's a lot more comics yeah there must be other and there are other venues

yeah but most of them now are sign up nights so you know the scene's flooded with what does that mean you know you just put your name down on the night and you automatically

get a spot oh I see so the whole scene is now just full of bucket listers they're like ah fucking Cheryl from accounting

told me I was funny so I'll give comedy a go and so you've got fucking 500 comics and when me around the time me and Nick started there was a new comic

once every month and so it was an event to watch their first gig. Fresh meat getting carved up. I place a lot of credibility in Cheryl from accounting. She does know her stuff. But now it's like, God, there's like 10 or 12 new people a week. And how long they last is irrespective.

But still, it's a very different landscape. Yeah, even Tucson. They're open mic night in the one club that's only open on Friday, Saturday, and they do an open mic Thursday. I don't know if it's even weekly. I think it is. But they'll have 35 or 40 open micers. Yeah, it's crazy.

In a town that can only support a two-night comedy club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's interesting now as well because there's no clear trajectory for seeing your own improvement there's people that are like you know well i've got eight minutes of stage time under my belt and i've got a facebook fan page i'm a comedian and it's this weird kind of like are you or you just kind of like it's it's i don't know in this country it's a hobby at best really unless you're cracked into the kind of network television circuit like there's no money to be made it's either that or the cruise ships.

Yeah. The mining tours. I can imagine Nick's son on a cruise ship. Is there an equivalent of a triple run? Walk the room. I walk the plank. What's a triple run? I thought it might mean a triple run type.

What's a triple run? David Tribble is a famous booker of really shitty Northwest, like Montana. Oh, like regional weird gigs. Red Lion Lounge at the fucking... Yeah, there's like weird little regional gigs around everywhere, but they're not like united. There's no like grandmaster that's built an empire of regional gigs. There's the mining tours, which are meant to be legendarily fucking terrible. I don't know why a comedian hasn't gone and just done what Tribble has ruined.

Well, one guy used to do that, actually, but his name was Jimbo. He'd drive around in an oil-powered car, and he'd just go and do this gig. He got banned from this gig he was running in Sydney. Like vegetable oil. Yeah, vegetable oil. So he'd do the gig. He got banned from this gig he was running in Sydney. Like vegetable oil. Yeah, vegetable oil. So he'd do the gig for the vegetable oil from the fryer, and a couple hundred bucks, and then he'd call the next hotel down the road

and have the hotel he was at just going, yo, this girl's really good. But he was amazing with the crowd, and he got banned from this gig in Sydney because he'd made a secretary blow her boss on stage. He did a what? He's a really charming guy. And also he was like...

He did what? He just, I don't know, somehow got his secretary in the crowd to blow her boss on stage at this gig. Jimbo's Big Night Out, it was called. The first time I met him, he got banned from the store. He was very filthy.

Very filthy mouth on him. He would bring his goat out on stage. Yeah, his merchandise was just a shirt which said, I fuck goats. And then he'd come with a companion shirt saying, I'm the goat. And he'd have the goat next to him wearing the shirt. Yeah.

He was selling merch. I love this guy. I thought there was no hope for Jim Zinman, but no. No, Jim was hilarious. The best thing I liked about him was the second time I met him, he was teaching kids how to spin plates for the Rainbow Circus. And this is like the previous night, I'd just seen him do all these jokes about how he had a Japanese girlfriend

and it was a World Cup. So to support Japan, he'd like have her take a period on the bed sheets and hang it out the window which he got banned for and then I met him teaching kids how to spin plates and then he pulled out of his while I was talking to him he just pulled his jar of sprouts out of his duffel bag and just started eating them and I

was like you grow your own food in your bag and he was like yeah like so what I was really astounded I didn't know you could grow food in your bag I don't know And he was like, yeah. Like, so what? I was really astounded. I didn't know you could grow a finger. Why is that weird? I don't know. I started growing sprouts off of that.

I'll tell you that much. Very nutritious. All right. I want to get your Death Valley story cranked up from Ben Elwood here. Then I want to hear about some of your fucking horror stories of shows gone wrong. Because I know, I don't know about you, but I know Nick's son. Do you? Good.

You want to fuck this? Maybe I'll tell that first. Yeah, fuck the Death Valley story. If it's organically, let's tell it. No, no. If you have fucking horror death show stories. Oh, man. Like, I always, I'm really good at fucking up anything that's a high pressure

gig like i'm great in front of 10 people and nothing and there's no stakes at all but as soon as there's stakes i just fuck it up you know my stupid head um and uh in 2011 me and a couple of sydney people decided we were all moving to london to try and make it big. And we'd start with a run in Edinburgh. And me and my buddy did this show in Edinburgh. What year? 2011. Oh, right. So, okay.

You and your buddy, like, you both went to Edinburgh. You weren't doing a double act. No, no, no. There was like five. Yeah, we did a split bill. We did a split show in Edinburgh at the Free Fringe. But you weren't. It wasn't.

It wasn't like a double act. Ben and Jerry. No, no, no. It was just like a double act ben and jerry no no no it was just like a half an hour each of comedy um and so we went to edinburgh free fringe and all of us with those giant fucking you know you live your mythology before it's even happened like you're basing your life story on all these autobiographies and biography channel docos you've ever seen like it's got to be that way. That's the direction. Instead of just traveling your own path.

I really respect that guy that travels his own path, so that's what I'll copy. So you go out on stage with your goat. So we're doing the show, and one of the last guys, the manager of the, what was that? Comedy Café?

Comedy Café? Comedy Café, yeah, yeah. Comedy Café. Is that Noel somebody? Yeah. It wasn't Noel, but it was his business partner. And they run the Comedy Cafe in London and they also manage comics and rah, rah, rah. And it was like the closest thing to a break that had introduced itself in that whole month. And at the end of the show, they're coming up to us going, oh, you're both fucking great. We're going to get you in the club, you know. Rah, to do is all you need to do is this one set that i can show noel and the other business partners to show you how great you are and we'll fucking pick you up and we'll make it happen

and so of course we've been in fucking the uk for like 25 days and it's already like yeah and you want to be this easy i'm a genius uh and we set up the we set up the gig. And I get to the gig. And it's like some night with like 12 comics on. And all of them are coming up to me going, oh, you're the Australian comic that's been on television. I did a five-minute spot on a fucking cable stand-up comedy show nine years ago. And that's the only bit of television coverage I've ever had. Like I've still got hair and hope in my eyes in the video. television coverage i've ever had like i've still got hair and hope in my eyes in the video uh and uh and so like and the mc's building you know you know coming up after the break you know

this australian guy this headliner from fucking australia that's been on television and i start head fucking myself so fucking badly and when i got there this business part that i hadn't met he's like hugging me going i've a hoarder all about you this is gonna be great so i get on stage and i just fucking tank like i catch the fear so horrendously and it's that you know that death where it's not just like they're tittering it's that real kind of like cellular death like every part of you just wants to fucking oh yeah I've never had that yeah just that thing where you retroactively question every decision that ever led to this moment.

So I die terribly and I get on stage and this business partner, the guy who's going to make my dreams come true, comes up to me and slaps me on the back and he's like, thanks for fucking up my night. Just joking. And then his face blanches

and goes like Bronson kind of serious. And walks away and then makes a point of gathering the other 12 people that were on that night and buying each one of them a shot and doing the shot in front of me. And not you? Not me. I didn't get a shot. What a cunt.

So at the end of it, I just go up to him like. Why did you die? Did you make poor choices with the material? I questioned. Or you just couldn't sell it. My problem is when I'm doing stand-up, unless I call the reality of what I'm feeling in that moment, I will suck.

Like, if I'm feeling really anxious and I get up there and try and be confident, I'll just fuck it up. Because a lot of the time it's not. Absolutely. You know what I mean? I know exactly. That's why I hate recording, like a special.

Because if I can't address an elephant in the room or the fact that there's fucking cameras everywhere or doing TV where they have the fluffer come out and say, hey, everybody. When the guy comes out, you're going to go bash it. You feel like a fraud not calling it. Exactly. I have to fucking address everything that's in my head.

And if I can't, I suck. Then I'm just reading off a teleprompter fraud not calling it exactly i have to fucking address everything that's in my head and if i can't i suck then i'm just reading off i'm reading off a teleprompter in my head and there's no authenticity behind the words you're saying it's just and a lot of the time like what i do um but the stuff i do isn't necessarily like joke joke joke joke a lot of it's just funnily worded ideas or points of view and it needs to have that delivery behind it to to get the reality behind it yeah you have to they have to think that you're believing what you're saying most of my shit i know exactly what i'm gonna say but i look like everything i i start out addressing everything that i you know is in my head or about the room or about the day or about what's in the news, even if I don't have jokes.

And that will segue me into making the old shit that I pre-planned stuff sound conversational because I start this as a conversation. And that way it makes the other shit feel real to me. And the audience fucking, the audience fucking that they the audience love that as well they know in that moment that it's not a synthesized experience it's real right now it's happening right now that guy's talking about what he's feeling right now so it's not replicated night for night and there's something i don't know there's a connection that you develop with the crowd when you do that that's so much more that's why i could never so much greater

than just the letterman people have actually approached us, and no, I couldn't do it. You wouldn't do it? You wouldn't do it? I couldn't do it. That's part of the problem. You should do it. You should do it.

You should just die as terribly as possible. They didn't say, hey, we have September 18th open. Oh, yeah. Like, I'd still have to, like, audition for them and give them... Then they fuck with your material and tell you how to hone it. I'm not going to do that. You could do it, man. You could.

You could do the fucking man show. Show me fucking four minutes in my set that you could cut down. They've been to see multiple shows, and it's all very friendly. And afterwards, they just go, nope, not even four minutes. They're sitting there waiting. You could figure out a way. I didn't know they've ever been in a show. I just know they've contacted.

You don't tell me for a reason. Yeah, exactly. Brian knows what's going to fuck with my head. You're totally good. Just freak out and assault Letterman or something. What's that guy from Back to the Future? You know how Ninja kicks the guy and he's all dressed up all weird? Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover, yeah. Here's my question, which is addressing Ben's issue, problem, whatever. I don't know if you have addressed it, but you do that thing of, hey, here's some fake enthusiasm. How do you deal with when you do have to regurgitate yeah well i was actually really freaking out last night because i knew that if i got up there and just went crank crank joke joke joke like it'd be awful well you just you got some shit going on in your life that uh yeah and so i had to call like you know i i heard

all this like you know i've been going through a fucking painful, horrible breakup that's just dragging out. And that's where my mind is all the time now. Just this fucking anxiety and nerves and blah, blah, blah. But that's what you like all the time. I know that's what I'm like. How much of your head is going, all right, this is a really fucked up breakup. Like she's in a mental institution right now. Yeah.

How much of your head goes, this gonna be really good material yeah yeah yeah yeah well that's the thing like i had to call the reality of what was happening in my head at that moment it was only one eat the mic eat the mic well uh it wasn't even that oh sorry sometimes it drops down to your dick i'm really stoned um um yeah and i uh yeah opening with that i think what you said before it gives you the license to then go into the pre-planned stuff with you've already developed a kind of i don't know more casual relationship with the audience so it's more kind of it's yeah they know who they're yeah to an extent but it's terrifying like i've been i've been like i'll be it's nearly 10 years

and i'm only just in the last probably year getting okay with that way of doing it. Getting up and like, I don't actually know what the fuck I'm going to do. Like, I have a vague idea, but I don't really know. And it's like... It's hard. It's gigging.

You can't gig much in Australia. Yeah, you can't get used to it. You can't get regular... You can't practice your... There's not enough gigs here. So you're constantly like getting match fit again. I need to just go slack again. Which is why Australians leave Australia.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But then you have to start from scratch wherever you go. Yeah. Which is fucking... Now I've realized that's just... Constantly, that's why you felt the pressure

when you had the Comedy Cafe guy. No, totally. Because I had that become... I can bypass doing that whole fucking London on the white circuit for five years. What's the fate here? Like, cruise ship guy. I don't know.

Fake wing glasses in case you die. You've got the fucking passion for it. It's not even passion, it's lack of options now. You played Singapore. How do you get into that shit? Oh, I just emailed a guy. Because I know like Rhodes and even like Fulton used to. He was the first guy I knew that did all these Hong Kong and Thailand.

I'll put a word in for you. No, I don't want to do it. It's hilarious. You've got to play to like full Malaysian crowds, man. It's hilarious. Malaysia's crazy off the hook. It's a weird place. I've never heard Malaysia described as off the hook it's a weird place I've never heard Malaysia described as

off the hook you don't think so? no I just love a place where you can bribe cops and I didn't wear a seatbelt I felt alive you didn't get a rent

there's a whole circuit of and there's gigs in India now and China and shit I'm gonna try we have dealings with them I don't wanna do them I know

I'm just saying how do you get into that who calls you fucking someone i think it was steve hughes or someone had just come back from uh it was tom rhodes like serbia yes yeah when we were in the uk it wasn't tom rhodes it was someone that in the uk had done this like serbian these people do contact us and uh but it's a case of we're trying to I mean trying to fix it

and fill it we're not flying into Serbia for one gig you know wouldn't it be great if you just had a huge fan base in Serbia

like actually funny enough you do Doug Stanhope does have a big fan base in Serbia really so couldn't you

organise like a multi-country European tour unfortunately ticket prices in Serbia yeah it might be a little cost prohibitive yeah So couldn't you organize like a multi-country European tour? Unfortunately, ticket prices in Serbia. Yeah, it might be a little cost prohibitive. Yeah.

Okay. Doug, do you get anxious before gigs still? Overseas, I do. Not now. Like there's not any part of you before you go on stage that's like, oh, God, fuck. It depends on, it would have to be a weird circumstance but generally on the road no over the uk every fucking show i'm like terrified like i feel holes developing in my stomach from acid because they're just hateful fucking people people yeah yeah like i bring my audience are haters yeah so really and they hate each other and in the uk they they just be as just as happy to watch you fail miserably and turn on you mid

set even being your most i'm your biggest fan but yeah fuck you you're a cunt i didn't like me and Nick saw you in Leicester Square in 11 or 12 and I knew the audience were cunts when they didn't go for the Matoid

the Matoid opened for you and they sat there in like dead silence they just didn't get it they didn't connect and me and Nick were in the middle

just howling I couldn't even imagine how you couldn't tap into it there's subtle differences huh? with like shit in England

and stuff in America and stuff like that. Okay, Nick. Sorry. Yeah, Nick. Your worst gig. My worst gig? Not your worst,

but give me a bad story. A good story gig doesn't have to be a superlative. I did a casino in Perth. It was one of my first headlining spots

so I was fucking nervous. It was one and there was a huge hole in the middle of the fucking room, which then led down to the poker machine. So you're kind of shouting at the top of poker machines going off. And then just dying terribly. I was just too abrasive and too dirty and, like, not confident. I had a Red Bull as well, so I was just, like just like kind of nervy and then this guy in the

front row just went tell us about nepal and i was like what how do you know i'm from my parents and he's like oh you know we're um we're uh dawn and henry and these were the people who helped my parents illegally immigrate to australia and then i just realized that Dawn, the old woman, she's like 60 was just looking at me like this face like we fucking helped these people legally immigrate for this thing here? Like, what is this?

Wait, did you know that they were there? No, it was only when he said it was like tell us about Nepal and I was like, oh, Dawn and Henry I was like, oh shit, these are the people who fucking hid my parents in their basement for a while. Let them live there. Put them up and shit for several months. Help them get a fucking under the table work and shit.

And then they're just watching the fucking offspring of their charitable guest judge. Just shit. You should have been a Sherpa. Pretty much. And then the best thing was like then I just hid backstage after the gig. I was like, fuck.

And they were like waiting around. I was like, I don't want to talk to you guys. I'm sorry. It's nothing, Basil. And then I finally like snuck out the back and then they just happened

to get in the same lift as me. And no one said anything. It was just this quietness. This fucking tension. Because they knew you were as me. And no one said anything. It was just this quietness. This fucking tension. Because they knew you'd been hiding. Yeah, no, they waited. They wanted to, I don't know, they wanted to scold me.

We got out and we're walking and I was just like, this is too weird. So I jump behind a pylon. And then Henry turns around and just goes, hey man. And then obviously he can't see anything because it's just one minute I'm walking behind, the next minute I'm just gone behind a pylon.

And I didn't come out. I just waited until he got into a car. That's fantastic. When people are trying to be friendly to you after a shitty gig, I'd actually prefer the guy. Just say that was fucking awful. Yeah. What else is there?

Which comedians are good at doing? You know, comedians. If you know each other well enough. That's when you know you've got a real friend in comedy, where you can walk off stage and be like, you fucking ate a donut up there. It was fucking terrible. I know.

I said that about doing the Louis louis episode as far as because i suck at acting and hollywood people make it worse that was great we're gonna try it again try it this way and like louis if you sucked you just go ah you fucked that whole thing up do it this way and you go i respond well to that that whole thing up. Do it this way. And you go, I respond well to that. That whole Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. So he was instructing you. Yeah, he directs. He does everything. And so that's why it was a whole lot easier

because he'd just go, all right, that's fucking, don't even do that. That fucking sucks. You go, okay, I'll do it. That's directing. Don't go, you know what? I like what you're doing,

but what we're going to try is... I love the whole thing where you're standing next to another comic and one of you has done well, and someone comes up and says, you did really well, and then they see that guy like, oh, you were good too. I was going to make merch when I

was a fucking middle act that said the other guy was funny too with my picture on it. I thought that was a great merch idea. Anyone, feel free to steal that listening audience. Do you want to hear about my worst ever gig?

That's right, I forget. Brian Hennigan was a fledgling... My worst ever gig was actually the fucking Sacramento... What's the area downtown Sacramento? Oh, it's not the laugh fact. It's the punchline? No, no.

Anyway, it's downtown Sacramento. It's the one that isn't the punchline. Yeah, so David Crowe took me under his wing again and said, I'm going to put you on as the feature. I'm there for the entire weekend. And so I stayed with him in his hotel room and I fucking learned the lines that I'd been learning for a long time. And it I stayed with him in his hotel room and I fucking learned the lines that I'd been learning for a long time.

And it's exactly what you're talking about, Ben. I was so fucking tense. And it was also the most courageous gig I ever did because it was a weekend, right? So here's an interesting side. So I went on first, sorry, the first show on the Friday. And I died so miserably.

I could not believe what I felt. I'd never felt that before. This complete 20 minutes of fucking silence. Not even a titter. Just silence. And it's worse when you have an accent like I'd have. Because they really want to like you because the first thing they hear, you sound kind of cute and cuddly and foreign and Scottish.

And they're like, oh, this is going to be fun. And then you betray them by not being. And so I was white-faced. And this is where there's a historical reference I like to use, which is, if you've ever seen the film A Bridge Too Far, and there's that fantastic scene where the platoon, I think, led by Robert Redford, are told they have to go across the river, even though the fog that was meant to be there has lifted, and they know they're all going to die. Well, that's not actually

representative of what happened. What happened in real life was, it happened twice. So although they were brave, there's the first team that went across and they all got massacred and the second team were told, now you have to go. And they'd just seen those guys all get killed. So that's how I felt on the second show. Because I knew that nothing had changed between the first. I knew that I had no other delivery to give. That's a great epitaph. I walked out like the condemned man.

And I got shot. No one that's never had that experience can even understand what it does to your insides. Just that. When you realize there's whatever, 100, 200 eyes on you and it's just... And I'm hanging around afterwards

like you're talking about with David Crowe, who's the headliner. He fucking... The place is on fire with laughter. And then I'm hanging around him like a bad smell. Yeah.

Oh, gee. I forget if you have a good advice. If you ever die really terribly, instead of slinking away, you stand out the front and you just make eye contact with everyone as you walk out. I've tried it. They actually feel worse than you do. And you realize, oh, you feel worse for me than I do for me.

I almost don't want to tell this story. It's character building. Because the guy that I'm talking about is actually coming to the adelaide and melbourne shows and i if i'll tell it just in case we don't get a podcast with him because i is it mikey 182 i brought him up this is early on when i just started to get an internet presence so probably like 99 2000 or so and this guy's like i'm coming to australia i just started you know having a website and stuff and so i'd get emails from people who heard me on you know internet bullshit and uh he was coming to he came to LA.

If you're doing a show, when I was, I had like a Monday night spot at the comedy store, just a random, you know, drop in, open mic-y thing. And it was, it was shut down because there was no audience. So they just closed. So I was there and I told this guy, I'll be there. So then we just wait in front of a closed original room. And he shows up and I'm like guy I'll be there so then we just wait out in front of a closed original room and he shows up and I'm like sorry there's no show but thanks for coming all the way

from Australia if I didn't mention that he's from Australia and he came all the way to the states or he was going anyway it's not like he came for an open mic night so but we go fuck it hey let's just go to Vegas. I think it was Becker. I'll have to figure out who I was with when I talked to him. But we drove to Vegas and spent a couple days in Vegas getting fucked up. And then I had a show in San Diego that was booked. And it was this, I don't know if it was free or like $3 or $5.

But it was a weekly show that was, you know, 1,400 people would fill this fucking place every week. Wow. Yeah, 4th and B, Judy Brown Marmel used to book the thing and put me in there, and I had to follow Bobby Lee, who fucking crushed, and I'm headlining, and I went out, and no one knows me, and I just ate shit and then i just made it worse and they the more they didn't like me and if i bring back bobby lee and fuck you and

then of course i i walked at least 80 of the audience and like they'd come up to the stage from the very far back there's a room this this size. It would hold 1,200, whatever it was. And, like, people would walk all the way to the front of the stage and go, fuck you, before they walked out. And it was just tragic. And I'm like, fuck you. I'm going to go until all of you are gone. That's why you did it.

Remember, late in life. And we keep going. Yeah, but it was like that. But that was the only show that Mikey 182 from Adelaide saw me do was one of the worst shows I've ever been involved in ever. Because he heard a clip on the internet

and thought it was funny. And he's like, oh. And you go, oh, geez. I don't know how to. You want to do all the explanations. It's not usually like this. I've got recordings of good gigs. You want to sit in my room and listen to a...

A little private set. That sounds like Becker. Has anyone ever jumped on the stage and threatened you physically? No. Well, really. There was the time in Edinburgh. I tell that story a lot. What about Scott Capuro?

Yeah, I was on stage. They thought they were assaulting him. Oh, okay. But no one's ever liked you. People thought you were Scott Capuro. No. That exact same bit I did last night about the chick here who died of ecstasy. Yeah, yeah.

I was talking about ecstasy, and some girl yelled out. I was hosting a late-night dirty show. Oh, yeah. And so I'm just a host, and some girl yells, that's not funny, my sister died from ecstasy. And I just fucking ripped into her. Your sister didn't die from ecstasy. Ecstasy doesn't kill people.

Your sister died because she's a fucking idiot and didn't drink enough water. Don't blame a good drug on a fucking stupid sister. Just like you're. She left very upset and crying and went upstairs. And I'm hosting, which I'm a great host. Yeah. Hey, yeah.

Get the fuck out. Yeah. You and your tears beat feet. I got to bring up another comic. So I bring up Scott Capurro as a flamingly gay American comic in Edinburgh, Scotland, while this girl leaves in tears from the Tron, which is three stories of bars, and she goes up to her fucking football hooligan friends and says that american comic was making fun of my dead sister i'm out smoking thank god smoking saved my life

because these two fucking cinder block head dudes come down and get on either side of me on stage but it's not me it's sc Scott Capurro. Like, just on and there's no bouncer. He's going, who are you? He's like, who are you? What's going on? Laura Clark. There's no bouncer.

There's one chick that's working the door and she has to like, go ahead. Yeah, i'm outside talking to him and laura clark who's my female you know door person come you know girl friday yeah alex has to get on stage and like like like get them off and and like but she did very successfully because i think you know a female can if she's you know forceful enough can do that and because they're not going to hit her. But yeah, and then she came or the word got out of your side

and we beat feet to the... Yeah, they fucking hustled me out of there like there was a threat on the president. Some bar back racing me down to another location to secret me away. Alright, let's take a quick break

and make drinks and have a cigarette, and we'll be right back after no messages. This is Chad Shane, and when I'm at Stanhope's, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand?

Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y.

Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. Sex! Rulers of the Underpants Universe! Sex! Ah! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such! Sex underwear.

Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. Hey! And we're back! All right. More shit show. You get attacked on stage unfortunately you don't have it on fucking tape no no i couldn't be a jim jeffries that's exactly no i was doing this

gig in a circus tent in adelaide it was late night show i was very drunk and very stoned and then the mc came backstage he's like don't talk to the guy. Front row left. And I went, why not? And he went, because he's crazy. Worst thing you can do. Yeah. So I came out on stage. And the first thing I said, I was like, who's this guy?

And it was just one guy. It looks exactly like Martin Bryant, the fucking Tasmanian shooter guy. Blonde hair. For the listener, they had the record here for mass murder in 96. Martin Bryant was his kid. Great source of national pride. Good looking kid, too. And I was like, oh, you must be the

guy because there was no one else in the row because they could sense it's crazy. So my opening line was, they told me not to talk to you. Why is that? And then he went, shut the fuck up, cunt. And then I went, oh, you're in a real bad a real bad place hey everyone let's send some love to this guy so i got everyone like hey let's give some love to this guy and then he ran on stage and then i fell backwards just as the bouncers

grabbed him and pulled him off stage and then there's lots of commotion and i came on stage and i was like i can't top that. And then I just died. Horribly. I was like, fuck, I should have just not come back. I was like, I tried to punch me. So, yeah, that's that story. That's an old line I used to do. No one ever leaves a fist fight to go watch the band.

Yeah, yeah. Anti-climax. I came too early. Almost every night you have to tell someone stop filming me quite often people will be thrown out of my shows I have to throw more people out of shows than probably any comic

and no one films that like people being violently removed. Where's your fucking cell phone now? You want to get Bingo to film that or Alex just to track the detritus. Yeah. Anytime someone's getting fucking violently ejected from my show, film the entire thing. Follow the bouncers out with your cell phone camera and put it on YouTube.

Because I don't want my act out there, but that's not part of my fucking act. So film that. Maybe you should just hire people to attack you on stage and then film that. Generate some publicity. I would love to be able to have that lack of whatever you would call that,

common decency where I could just cheat. If you want, if you give me and Ben a couple hundred bucks. If I could just fucking... If I could lie. We'll do it tonight. An hour and 20, we'll come on stage, we'll fucking swing some punches, and then we'll just brawl.

I feel bad. There's just even minor lies in my set. If I'm telling a story, if it's just a minor then i like i want to like tell people and often i do if i'm drunk enough i go i didn't actually say it but i thought about saying it or whatever yeah i have to waste time to tell them well it wasn't exactly like that i made up the part about the guy well Well, that bit, not only when I quote myself, but that bit I did last night about hate-fucking a guy after a show because this guy booed me when I said I didn't have any Asian jokes.

It was actually originally a woman. But then after I had the punchline, I was like, I hate-fucked this woman with my hands wrapped around her throat. And then I had this woman came up to me after a show and said, you made me relive a rape. So I changed it to a guy and now it gets like rounds of applause i'm like it's okay it's okay to rape a guy hate fucking guy but hate fucking a woman is like a racist woman like i was like are you a racist woman are you

a racist woman who's i've made relive a fucking i don't know so i had to change it just because i had and that wasn't nice ladies and I had a couple of people just going, you should really change that. That's really horrible. Girls I wanted to sleep with, so I changed it. I had that story about the couple on the bus that's on the, from across the street. I don't think I mentioned it on the album,

but in the bit, it was a black couple. And when I first, when i told the story that uh the next night uh i said it's a black couple and everyone's waiting for the black angle yeah no it just had i just described them as a black couple they were an old you know older middle class upper middle class couple but they happen to be black. Ten minutes, yeah, all right. We got to do this stupid fucking show in Sydney. But, Elwood, you got fucking... What, like two minutes to tell the worst gig in my life?

No, no, you have ten minutes. Oh, ten minutes, okay. There was one, it wasn't the worst gig. It was actually ended up being, it could have potentially been one of the worst gigs, but it ended up being one of the best gigs. But I was doing a fringe fest, a Sydney fringe show. And about two minutes before showtime,

a large section of the pre-sales aren't there. And it was a small room. So you could notice half a dozen people not being there. And I'm already in a fucking, you know, panic attack and I'm pacing around. You panic really hard before a show. Last night was fantastic. What was I doing? Fuck, it's awful, isn't it? I want to around. You panic really hard before a show. Last night was fantastic. Yeah, what was I doing?

Fuck, it's awful, isn't it? I want to fucking commit suicide. No, I love it. I think it's hilarious. It's that thing we were talking about earlier, the relying on your mood getting you across

and that's the part that I fear. I don't fear the audience turning on me or forgetting my lines or anything like that. It's more just the betraying myself and not calling my own reality and then freaking out and having to live in my own skull

for the next fucking week how do you fucking smoke pot with that head that's exactly why i can't smoke pot that's the thing i haven't had a day off in so fucking long i need to do it huh i'm going to this 10-day meditation retreat in january i'm hoping that'll fucking detox me i'm doing it yeah i've done that. So anyway, so I know, yeah, yeah. I've got to pick your brain about that in a while because I think I'm going to go insane after four or five days.

Yeah, because people just leave, but you can't talk, so you wake up and there's an empty bed and you're like, did they just fucking kill them or something? And yeah, they segregate everyone. So on the second day, all I can think about is

just checking out all these hot chaste women at this meditation retreat and then when they finally let you talk again I just ended up crying and then as I was crying this guy came up to me and said you're a really bad snorer I've been wanting to tell you that for 10 fucking days

I'm asleep when I'm snoring i don't know so i'm at this gig i'm like freaking out and i and i walk out of my little shit box room uh and i uh as i walk out of the room i bump into the half a dozen people that are coming in to form the rest of my audience and the man i bump into is my estranged father that I haven't seen in 27 years. And his new wife. And his three children. And their partners. Family reunion.

And this is literally two minutes before I'm going to go on stage. And I'm already self-destructive enough. Like freaking out. And I just, like all the oxygen gets sucked out of the fucking room. And the guy that was my tech he was choosing the music that night and he was playing

fucking the most depressing radio head shit so there's this through the room and this child arrived just the other day came into the world

in the usual way cats in the cradle really I gotta go on stage so I ended up fucking like having a complete nervous breakdown and just left the I ended up fucking like having a complete nervous breakdown

and just left the theatre and I'm outside having a complete like I can't do this had it been probably a year earlier I probably wouldn't have done it

I would have just psychotically melted down and couldn't do it and I see my friend down there and he's like you've got to do this you've got to do this

and he buys me two shots and I do the two shots and I run up the stairs and I knew if I broke pace I wouldn't do it so so i just had to run i'm like running into theater all right let's fucking do this and i get up on stage and i just had to and again i just had to call it the whole time i was just like what kind of family reunion is this and then my stepbrothers uh or my half brothers mobile phone goes off and i'm like oh wow you're here to see your big famous fucking

brother that's on the tv and radio and you're fucking up with's mobile phone goes off, and I'm like, oh, wow, you're here to see your big, famous fucking brother that's on the TV and radio, and you're fucking up with your mobile phone, and I guess you guys were the guys getting all the BMXs that I never got, and all this, like, kind of calling it. You know, thanks, Dad, you never gave me much in this life, but you gave me your stupid bald head.

And they were fucking loving it, because they were the center of attention, and everyone was. Oh, that's the best, is when you can fuck with someone, but you involve their ego, so that it's hilarious to them but you're absolutely

trashing them with all your heart and soul and you mean what you're saying they think it's clothed in it's humorous because and the audience is laughing so they think I'm getting laughs I'm great and the whole time I'm like a fucking nervous wreck my whole being was like the finger circling a nuclear button

and it was a full hour and I got through the full hour and I was like carved out circling a nuclear button. And it was a full hour. And I got through the full hour and I was like carved out of fucking wood. I felt so fucking transcendent that I didn't self-destruct. Because my big thing is self-destruction on stage. And in life. And in life. And everything. On all facets.

And anyway, I get off stage and I see my two friends at the back. Like, that was fucking full on. And they go, but I think your mom was here. And my mom, who hasn't seen my dad in 27 years, comes into the theater late. What a fucking sweetheart. Because she knows if she's there, she'll freak me out. Unlike dad, who just turns up out of the fucking blue at my fucking fringe show in a 30 seater. This is fucking insane.

So the mom comes in, not wanting to freak me out, at the exact moment that I'm going, hey, daddy, baby, baby, baby, and making chuckles with them, she thinks, oh my God, he's got a clandestine secret relationship with his father and his family that he's had for decades and kept it from me. So I suddenly get this text message from mum going,

I've always said that you could have a relationship with your father, but if you could just be honest with me. I'm just like freaking out. She's in the car sobbing, fucking thinking that we've got this intense thing that might be the fucking greatest comedy story ever out of fucking control out of control you could be like the australian larry david or something and now my mom's here i'm just trying to imagine with a jewish american voice And now my mom's here. I can't believe it. What?

A lot about your persona and your act. I'm just trying to imagine with a Jewish-American voice. It's just like this shit. Oh, man. I was so glad for it, though. I have to mention before we get out of here, because we have to do a fucking show for the rubes, that you were actually on the show where Clark Adams killed himself. For those of you who follow the podcast, you probably know the Clark Adams story.

You were on the show that Clark Adams came to and delayed his suicide in Vegas after the Death Valley party. So, yeah, we never got to the Death Valley story, but that's fine. That's okay. Everyone jerks off in the desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long story short, I jerked off in the desert.

Andy Andrist went to some ghost town near Death Valley, and he went out with his brother to look at all these old abandoned fucking buildings. In the ghost town, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the ghost town, and Andy, in the way andy andrews does so yeah there was this thing and so i i and i wanked in this place and like and then keeps going like wait you jerked off on a fucking hike with your brother he was he wasn't in he was looking in another uh road like you just stopped and quickly jerked off in a fucking abandoned house

in a ghost town like it's nothing I like to nature jack nature jacks are good though nature jacks are fucking amazing but when you're hiking with your brother

in the fucking in Death Valley I was doing a gig in Perth and I was like sleeping on my friend's couch she was a lovely Christian woman with a family

and I was trying to jack off in their bathroom but they had the multiplication tables up for their kids, and I just was like, I can't do this. And I didn't have anywhere to jack off because it had been two weeks. But you're Asian.

You're good at math. No, but it was just like, eight times 64 equals I'm a bad person. So I ended up jacking off in the Perth Contemporary Museum of Art. Just a place of high culture because I felt like I was rationalizing. Yeah, I was like, oh, this is just performance art, you know? I'm just fucking, this is contemporary art.

I once had an amphetamines wank in a shopping mall toilet. That takes a while. Seriously, man. In a shopping mall toilet. I fully intended to go in there for about, whatever, 20 minutes. I went in at about midday. Before I'd even come what i felt what felt like for me a very short amount of time i hear ding ding ding the broadway

shopping center will be closing in five minutes time i had bruises on the underside of my thighs from six hours of like fucking tugging on this tiny little fucking piglet jesus that's my shameful moment of my life cold pencil and fucking amphetamine penis. Did you cum? No, I never came. But even when you cum on amphetamines, it's like the diameter of the ejaculate is wider than the diameter of the eye.

So it hurts when you cum. So it's not even enjoyable. Yeah, it's just closure. It's like the credits are all on a bad movie. All right, fucking... We're at about 50 minutes, and that's about a podcast. Yeah. I want to smoke a cigarette really bad.

So, hey, do you have anything you're sponsored by? On the podcast, you get to just say you're sponsored by anything you enjoy because we don't get money for it. We just like to plug things that are good. Oh, everyone should watch Wonders of Life or any series made by Brian Cox. That's what I'm into at the moment. Do you guys watch that?

If it's not... No, I have no idea what it is. Oh, it's just... He's an astrophysicist, but it's not that kind of condescending American the universe is amazing kind of stuff. It's actually really good. All right.

Is that on Netflix or is that on TV? I don't think it's on Netflix, but we're living in the age of downloads. Just download it. Wonders of life, wonders of the universe, and wonders of human humanity. Holy shit. I got really nothing. Maybe just don't listen to podcasts

just go out and look at shit are you in Kuala Lumpur or something sometimes you want to plug it my next gig is at the World Bar on Sunday so come down to King's Cross it's free entry I'll be doing 10 minutes of new stuff this fucking podcast

won't even come out for like three, four weeks. That is literally the kind of... All right, well, how about I'll be in America next year. If anyone wants to marry me, I need a visa. Yeah, Nick's son is a very... He's a fuckable Asian man, if that's possible. I think rideable. Rideable is the word.

Rideable. Rideable. Like aable. Rideable is the word. Rideable. Rideable. Like a bull. Rideable. He's a big fucking strong samurai looking half Asian. Yeah. But it's weird. I'm just a lump of meat up for auction.

Asian men are not fuckable. No, it's a handicap. What did you say about porn stars? Oh, about, yeah, name me your favorite black chick in porn. Nobody watches black chicks in porn. It's like Asian guys. Yeah, that's a very good quote. Asian guys like the black women of something.

So you don't have anything you want to sponsor? Bring us light to your life. Okay, I got a website. You can go there. His blog is fucking amazing. www.nexon.com I'll tell you what you're sponsored by. Get a fucking Twitter account.

Get a fucking Twitter account. Hey, Australia, get a Twitter account. Is that what we plug? You found his Twitter account. If you want my Twitter account, I'll start Twittering regularly. Don't you have some stupid fucking Facebook that's... It's a picture of Jesse Eisenberg.

You couldn't find his Twitter account because it's titled at Nixon impersonator. Yeah. It's because my original one was the real Nixon because there was tens of thousands of other Nixons who were all successful Asian lawyer types. And then I lost the password to the real Nixon and I forgot how to get back on there.

The problem is... And then I've done one tweet and it's like I'm taking a dump. Because, I don't know. You know you're allowed to do a second. I know, it's just not an instinct in me. If you're going to the fucking States, get a goddamn Twitter account. There's a lot of things I'm supposed to do.

Twitter account's more important than a visa. Well, yeah, no. An American wife. you know what you if if someone can go to your facebook and see pictures of your gorgeous samurai warrior self you're making me blush thug then then maybe you could get a american wife marriage legal in bisbee i I'd marry you. Really? I'd just finally get divorced. I was married to a chick when I was 20 as a goof. Still are.

No, I'd just get divorced a couple years ago. So, yeah, I could probably gay marry you, but it wouldn't be recognized by the federal government. Nixon is sponsored by his quest for American citizenship. Yeah. Yeah, please marry Nixon. Fall in love first so it's legitimate. recognized by the federal government. Nixon is sponsored by his quest for American citizenship. Yeah. Yeah. Please marry Nixon. Fall in love first so it's legitimate.

Yeah. Fall in love with me. And then marry him to get him in the country because he's a fucking brilliant comic. I have no money for reliable future prospects. All right. That's going to fucking wrap it up because we have to go entertain a fucking handful of tools in Sydney,ney australia uh thank you uh uh uh uh god damn ben elwood and nick's son and find them if you're in australia

they'll find you they fucking need you more than you need them they'll find you they'll come to your door only actually funny guys i don't ever get to watch the openers. You guys I know, and I did get to watch last night, and that was fucking great. And there was one other guy that I want to mention that was really funny. Damien Power. He's fucking amazing. Damien Power is fucking great. I think he's doing Adelaide.

Yeah, he had some great shit. And so, yeah, thanks. Hey, Australia, go out and fucking start a comedy club and make these guys a living. Please, it's all we have. And we gotta go, so play the mattoid.

Part of the time. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Smile your smiles and blue your blues, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time. Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your your fuck, it's party time Here we go Party time

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