The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #510 : "Holely Genitalia"

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Bingo's hole issue, when an IUD is MIA, Doug has a fire update and Kristine Levine offers to help. Recorded Dec 13th, 2022 at the Quiet House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Stanhope Store FIRE SALE - Stanhope merch - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Still time to grab tickets at The Plaza for New Year's Eve with Doug Stanhope - https://www.plazahotelcasino.com/entertainment/doug-stanhope/ . Football Sunday in the sports book is a bonus this time around. See you in Vegas. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. ZippixToothpicks.com - Zippix Nicotine Toothpicks are FDA registered. Available in 6 great flavors, each containing at least 2mg of nicotine to curb cravings. They taste great and are very affordable. Go to  ZippixToothpicks.com and use code STANHOPE to save 10% off your order. MUST be 21 or older to order. Zip more, smoke less; with  Zippix Toothpicks. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Uh, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists. Available 100% online, plus it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist, and you can smoke.

Learn more and save 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, Help.com slash Stanhope. Zippix. This episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by Zippix Toothpicks. Zippix brings you a totally satisfying, convenient, and flavorful way to curb cravings and relax with two milligram and three milligram options. You're listening to me use Zippix on the podcast for the first time because I can't smoke in the quiet house. Now it's time to find out for yourself. Go to ZippixToothpicks.com and use code Stanhope to save 10% off your order. That's Zippix, Z-I-P-P-I-X, toothpicks.com, promo code

Stanhope. Must be 21 or older to order. Zip more, smoke less with Zippix Tooothpicks.com promo code Stanhope. Must be 21 or older to order. Zip more, smoke less with Zippix Toothpicks. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Chaley, what was your wordle word? Not your opening word, but... Sow? Sow. S-O-U-G-H.

Is it Sue? Is it Sue? I didn't look at the pronunciation key, but I am hearing it now. Yeah. The wind blowing. Yeah. Through the trees or through the ocean was the uh when we wordle yeah we fucking wordle privately what we don't i don't share it on fucking twitter

and oh i got it three out of six okay even duders duders do that oh yeah look at me duders uh duders is uh johnny's assistant and a few wordles back the word was amber which i do i do remember using at the beginning of the trial uh as you're opening yeah uh but then i when I was looking back through Wordle's deleting fucking storage space stupid screenshots, I realized when it was amber, I started my first word was might, and then my second word was smear, and then it was amber. Might smear amber. So I said that to Dooders. I didn't realize the combination of those words

he wrote back i can't believe you wordle i wordled that too i puked in my mouth a little bit when it was amber it was uh so yeah so there that right now there's a slew slow yeah the the wind is whistling it's fucking freezing. It snowed. Did you put an L in there? He did. I heard an L. A slew. A slew is something else.

I don't know. A slew is related to cold and snow. Just as we started the podcast, the wind whistling, which makes me fucking insane. We're at Bingo's house, which used to be called the quiet house and then when I realized that we have a couple of 55 inch TVs here but they're not smart

they're fucking we got no Netflix or Amazon Prime just DVRing anything that comes on HBO or Showtime. I'm going like a week in advance to try to find anything that's watchable on these shitty fucking channels. HBO. It's like 11 channels of HBO that all show.

And not HBO Max. All kids. Yeah. And not HBO Max. Because you'd have to have smart TV to have the HBO Max. Do you do the same thing? Okay, it's 11 channels of HBO on cable that have the same five things. Okay, if you missed it at 5 o'clock, you can get it at 6 o'clock

because you only have five. Fuck, it's so chaly today. I started calling it the poor house after it was called the quiet house because this is where bingo resides and does bingo things by herself. That's how we survive as a couple. But now that we're both jammed in here with all of our shit and no fucking Netflix or Amazon Prime, then I started calling at the poorhouse because it hasn't been quiet up until you're listening

to the Doug Stanhope podcast. It's been a cacophony. Christine Levine is here. Raider was here. Tracy's here. Bingo's here. Tarek's here. And it was just this whole cacophony of drilling and women talking.

And then men talking, which I realized is not much better about gadgets. We're going to get into some lady talk on this podcast, and it's going to be gross. It's for you, Chaley. Bingo's been going to... I'm at a point where I can just fucking leave at any time. I can start heading towards Vegas

three weeks before the gig, or two and a half, whatever it is. There are New Year's Eve at the Plaza tickets available at DougStanhope.com. Yes. And I just, I fucking hate, I go through this every winter where I go, oh wait, winter's real here.

I just want to get the fuck out. I'm pre-packed. I'm basically fully packed for vegas and i could just put my shit in my car except it snowed and it's fucking freezing out and i don't like freezing and bingo has some vagina things she's dealing with should she be talking about yeah let's get, let's just go right into... Well, you don't want to talk to me about it, and I can talk to Tarek about it,

because he doesn't get grossed out like you, but I wish I could talk to you. And I'm like, you know what? Tell the people about your vagina. And Christine Levine and Tracy, if you want to chime in with vagina problems. I need a bitch up here. One of you

rocks scissors, paper, one of you take the mic. Just listen. But I'm saying, be on a mic to respond. Bingo. You said to me something and you're not always accurate with things.

Well, I'm finding out how not accurate I am. I thought I nailed it, but I clearly was confused. You said, like, a month ago or two months or eight months ago. I don't know. I think I have a hole in my vagina where there shouldn't be a hole, and I'm like, go talk to a doctor about this. Yeah. Okay.

What you got? Is this like the time you didn't know what was wrong with Ichabod's wiener? Is this like that? Well, that's good. That's good. It's related. Quick backstory. That's interesting.

Ichabod was a puppy. I was on the road. She brought. In a panic. There was something wrong with his penis. It was all swollen and red. It was red rocket. She brought the fucking dog to the veterinarian

for having a boner and then when they all figured out what she was saying, they had to draw straws to see who's going to tell Bingo that that's an erection. Okay, I think after my plan tonight, I'm going to tell bingo that that's an erection okay i think after my plan tonight i'm gonna figure out that i have a right you told me you told me that you had a hole in

your vagina that shouldn't be there well i had a cyst when i was like after you when i was 22 and before robin i had a cyst and it drained and it was clear. It was fine. It was no big deal. And it drained every couple of years. I know you're sick, but no, no.

Yeah. And it was fine, but it drained. And, um, so directed at Chaley. Cause I, I'm fine with this,

but draining cysts. This is, this is where I would like, uh, it looks because I'm fine with this, but draining cysts. Can he have a barf? This is where I would like. It looks like I'm listening, but I'm doing mindful meditation. He needs a mindful walk. I am listening to the south of the trees. Sue. So what's the question?

Bring it back to the hole. There are a few holes that I found out. All right. So your Swiss cheese vagina. Yeah, okay. Now I want to see it. Well, I'll show you it later. This is Bingo Watch's Dr. Pimple Popper.

Yeah, so I know a few things. I like to pop my own things, but other people's things are the test. Okay. Yeah. I dig. Okay. Yeah. I dig that shit. Yeah. So, so I know what a cyst is.

I know what a, like Poma is. I know what, wow. So you're written around and all them folds and you find a hole. Yeah. But see, I had the cyst that create a hole for it to drain years ago.

I got to know, where is it? In the vagina. Inside. Below the clitoris. Okay, so it's like. Which is a hole too. Yeah, that's a pee hole. Well, see, here's the thing.

This is why I am. It is not? It's why I have some things. Okay. But look at this. Now, this is very important. So you're taping it up here? You're doing a lot of visual things for an audio podcast.

I know, but. She's got tape and a magnifying glass, a red magnifying glass. Okay, look at this. She's been telling me, you don't want to hear this. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah, yeah. Right?

I see. I barely saw that. I'm about to throw up. Chase, come on. Chase, come on. You get past the- There is a clitoris. There's the sphynx, and there's this thing.

There's a hole there. I have that hole, and I have another hole. Yes. I have another hole. She's bringing up diagrams, medical diagrams of what a vagina looks like. It was hanging on the wall. I had to take a picture. Yeah was hanging on the wall. But people are listening.

So there's the pee hole right there. And then there's the baby hole. And dick hole. This is the clitoris. But I have another hole where my cyst drained from. But it's a cul-de-sac.

There's nothing else. It's not a thruway. Hang on. This is chaos with fucking women talking. Okay, what's going on? You went in because you had a hole that's not supposed to be in your vagina, and they scheduled a biopsy for it. How do you biopsy a fucking thing that doesn't exist? Wrong.

Wrong. This is why we don't talk ever. It's good. So there are other problems that they scheduled the biopsy for. I have white tissue. I have growth that shouldn't be there. And my cervix has a lot of tissue growth. And the IUD strings are completely lost.

My IUD is gone missing. So there are some problems. MIA. Yeah, it's MIA. And so there are some problems down there. And I am trying to yell at the doctor, my pee comes from here, and I've got three holes that I'm talking, little holes, that I'm fighting the lady.

When I have a urinary tract infection, it hurts here. And she's like, no, that's the clitoris. And I'm like, no, I pee from this one right here below it, and then there's another hole that this is estranged from, and I'm talking to a fucking, and then I thought, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know no no i'm covering up all the holes yeah with electrical tape tonight and i'm gonna see where the fucking p comes from that's what the electrical tape is all right yeah bingo's been walking around with a magnifying glass you bought it magnifying glass, and electrical tape saying,

you don't want to know what I'm using this for. And I go, I don't. I don't. Either way, you can keep that tape. I told you you didn't want it back. I told you that. And you said, well, it's okay. Just use what you need.

I was wrong. I knew you didn't. I said, just pull the hair out of it. It'll be fine. I don't know. What? I thought you were making a bikini out of it. It'll be fine. I don't know. What? I thought you were making a bikini out of the electrical tape. Oh, yeah.

Well, I might as well. What kind of tape doesn't stick to pubic hair? I have to do something. She's holding a magnifying glass and referring to her vagina appointment that she had today. I know that my friends don't really want to know what my plans are. Except me. I'll go take a look at it right now. I know you will.

We've done this before, babe. We've had our looks before. You were being waxed while they... Not just that. No, we go way back with vagina looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go back before that, before me being waxed. I needed four people to help me hold up my fat rolls. No, no, it wasn't that.

Chaley and I have pulled out our dicks and go, is this a carbuncle? I got one, but it's on the underside. It's more like a rooster's neck. Is that freckle growing? Is that cancer? Yeah.

So anyway, tonight I'm going to tape up everything that I think is not the pee hole. And I'm going to pee. I'm going to see if my hole is the correct hole. And I yelled at someone. And I said, a urethra. You have to have a urethra to pee out of and i'm like you're not you're talking about a hole that doesn't have a urethra and i was like i've had a couple urinary tract infections i know where it hurts yeah that has a urethra

and i'm like fuck can't you just understand? Speaking of. The frustration. I know where it hurts. Let me back up and say, Bingo and I have had tense moments in our relationship since we've been staying together here at the quiet house. Yeah. since we've been staying together here at the quiet house. Yeah. And when Bingo sneezes,

it's a fucking fire alarm, bomb, you know, bomb raid. Hate to say it, but it's true. I can't do it again. I did it for Tracy. I go,

this is how Bingo sneezed. And I do an do it again. I did it for Tracy. I go, this is how Bingo sneezed. And I do an impression of her. And the whole next day, my throat hurt. But it didn't hurt in the place where COVID or coughing or a flu. It came like the roof of my mouth had dropped like a fucking frog's neck. It was a balloon down and it hurt and I go I can't. I was going to do it again.

But it's so loud. I know. Fucking cats leave the neighborhood and I did the impression as loud as she does it and my fucking, yeah, I go that hurts from that part of my throat, not the smoking part, not the fucking COVID part.

I see the parallel that you're drawing here. Yes. I gotcha. I don't get it. I do. I'm saying, you know what part of your vagina hurts for what reason. And I knew. That's right.

The next day that my throat hurt from doing an impression. He knew exactly what. Yeah, I got it. I got you. This happened when Chaley sneezed into his sleeves silently. Why can't you do that? Like a gentleman. Yeah.

Why can't you just sneeze into your sleeve? Why do you have to fucking make people flee Safeway? Well, here's the thing. So they said you need some work and you need some biopsies. That's what I was getting to. How do you biopsy a hole? That's like saying, hey, the middle of your donut is fucked up. They weren't biopsying the hole because to them, they got the wrong hole.

They don't know what hole they're talking about. They would be taking a bacteria sample, I would think. They don't want it from a hole anyway. They think they wanted the skin around it that looks white, that is. Your vagina is like a trout that's been caught and thrown back too many times. It's a catch and release vagina. It's got all these holes in its lips.

Well, we don't need it to pay the rent, honey. It's okay. Come on. It's putting us in debt. Yeah, maybe. The fire insurance doesn't cover holes in your vagina unless you make up a great story about how the

embers flew into your underpants i don't wear underpants god damn it that works for the story okay we'll work on this so they're doing biopsies they wanted you biopsies but then they sent me to this place today and this really old lady came in and we start arguing about holes. I'm like, this lady just, she didn't know about the holes. Everyone has to understand. You're in the doctor's office arguing about holes with a bright red top hat, heart glasses, a feather, a blue feather, and a graduation. Class of 2011. But it says top 10, so they should know I know about my holes.

So, but I did say my house burned down. She knows what she's talking about. I did say to the lady that the lady, the last lady didn't know her holes and I wasn't dressed like a fool. So she should get it. But then this lady, she's like, well, we started arguing about holes again. And then she's not even a doctor. She wasn't going to do a biopsy. She was going to do the exact procedure.

For the listener, Bingo went locally here in Bisbee to get a pap smear. They said, okay. There's problems. We'll get a biopsy. It looks like someone shot your vagina with rock salt out of a shotgun. It's like they were chasing a pheasant. A blunderbuss full of pellets. Yeah, so we're going to send you here to get a biopsy.

She shows up weeks later and gets another pap smear. Yeah, that's all they do. Yeah. But there's definitely something wrong with the cervix because there's a lot of scar tissue. And the IUD is, yeah, MIA, gone. So they have to ultrasound probably for that. So basically, what you're saying is your vagina is going to be under a reconstruction,

much like the house, with the fire damage, where they have to tear out all the fucking ceilings to figure out what's wrong. Did they check for asbestos? That is amazing, and they should. Did your IUD get, like, knocked in? They can't tell because they can't see it. They can't see strings. They can't see anything.

Well, it either fell out or it got pushed inside. They're sure. They think it got pushed inside. But they have to do an ultrasound like a baby. Yeah, yeah. I listen to bingo's evacuations in the morning, brunch, noon, afternoon, evening. We're living together now.

And you could definitely have blown an IUD as collateral damage because it's so close to your anus. You ever hear a tink? That's how you know you got it. That's how you know you got a fish in your mouth. Oh, a nickel. Just an IUD. Darn my luck.

Oh, my God. I just, can I, I want to see it. Is it, like, I just want to look now. Later tonight. I want to see. Well, maybe we could do the experiment. Yeah, because I think I know what you're talking about. Why don't you go to the Airbnb and do that?

Because I think I know what you're talking about. I think that you had, like, some abscesses down there, and then they created, like, a cavity. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what I understood. But they keep thinking. That's absolutely right. And that's why you get bacteria in there. That's created like a cavity. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what I understood. But they keep thinking. That's absolutely right.

And that's why you get bacteria in there. That's why you get a UTI. Barf bag. I'm good. Shaylee's hanging in there. Get the bacteria in there. In every relationship I've ever been in, I've lost interest sexually after a short amount of time.

So it's not you. And I think it's because when you're in a relationship, you learn these realities about a vagina. And it's no longer porn. Because there's no abscess porn. There's no sexy. There's no lost IUD porn. I'm sure there is.

And that's why people become gynecologists. Because they're into that shit. That's their kink. The same way Boy Scout masters, et cetera. You know what? Nobody likes me for my toes either. Fuck! I don't know that.

That's the thing about kinks. If you have a weird one, oh, I love draining cysts in a vagina. Yeah, if you get real fat, you're going to figure that out real fast. There are some dudes that are just like all about it. Yeah. You get anything super weird about you, like super fat, super skinny, pussy abscess, whatever it is, there's a guy who's like, you know what?

I don't give a fuck. I'm going to get in there. I'll eat it all day. I don't care. There is I'm going to get in there. I'll eat it all day. I don't care. There is a man who will worship it. Worship it. Tell me when it's weeping. That's right.

That's right. Oh, I can smell it from here. Oh, thank you, mistress. I don't have condoms, but I have a hot compress. Yeah, it'll draw it out. A drawing salve.ve yes that's right yep your boil or my boil oh my god yeah that's like women don't ever have to worry because there will always be a man who loves you loves you i mean they're going to gross you out. They gross me out. But they're there.

They exist. So the bingo's vagina chronicles, evidently she has an appointment in two days. Can this be a cliffhanger, maybe? Maybe.

Is that too far? Yeah, warts and quartz. Oh, I did eat some edible. Yeah, you did. I saw you do it. Yeah, at some point. It's just the fucking noise.

I was hiding in my corner here. Oh, yeah, please hold. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You ever have fish hook holes in your vagina and it's making you more crazy than it's making you agitated? And you go, why am I getting so crazy about my vagina? Hey, let's look at the solutions, not the problems. Hey, kids, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. So when life's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. Navigating any of life's challenges can make you feel unsure about which hole you're peeing out of,

or if it's just a career change or a new relationship, or which hole am I peeing out of? Therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills. Which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you or your vagina. I've talked to BetterHelp. vagina. I've talked to BetterHelp, and I think BetterHelp, probably that therapist signed up for BetterHelp to get BetterHelp for having to talk to me. But that's not my problem. That's their problem. And your problems are their problems. So dump your problems on someone that doesn't know you and make it their problem and get it off your chest.

It's kind of like a mental hooker. If you think of it that way, I'd need to blow this load and you take the load elsewhere and I give you money and it's green. I think it's... My point is, as the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online, plus it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist.

If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist at any time. Couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. Secret squirrels sidekick is Moroccan. Is Moroccan mobile? Everyone's yelling about World Cup, which now is down to, well,

Argentina's in. The second semifinal is today when you're hearing this. Yeah, so it'll probably be Morocco or France. Anyway, it's been a kerfuffle. When England was playing France, I woke up. I think I was still high from an edible. Bingo was knocked out, and I sat down, and I started trolling world cup because i remember one we were in 2014 being at that uh hotel in bozeman on a day off watching world cup and i started trolling then and i was laughing so i'm like hey what why is why

is uh no one in this bar i'm at a sports bar watching World Cup and no one's here. Like Costa Rica is playing and it's the last U.S. team that's still in. First of all, the U.S. hadn't been knocked out yet. Costa Rica is not part of the U.S. And it's so easy to fucking troll all the people in the world that do love the game of football, worldwide version of football. And I started trolling just dumb shit. And I was just fucking crying, laughing by myself at fucking whatever, 9 o'clock in the morning watching World Cup. And I was amazed.

watching world cup and i was amazed like uh people saying yeah you're funny but you shouldn't tweet you just lost a fan that's so dumb you're saying i because i was saying like portugal's a proud city but this ronaldo you think portugal's a city and i'm arguing about no it's like Wales and Portugal are not actual countries but anyone can buy their way in with a ten thousand dollar entry fee to be in the world cup and you don't have to be I would just say dumb shit but it was like just silly late night summer camp laughing at myself and I was amazing like the people that were getting upset i would check and they were you follow me like you have no idea and this is the problem when you tweet late at night with brendan walsh is like people know the sense of humor that i put out on stage which is boisterous and angry or whatever. But, you know, silly fucking trolling. Like, people getting so upset.

I'm like, you follow me? You shouldn't. Yes, please. I can lose you as a fan. My lifespan and my income, I'm good. I can afford to take you off the scrolls. That seat is open. I'm going to get somebody else to replace you.

No, I don't need it. I just play smaller rooms. I don't give a fuck. I've had an eight hour. Yeah. Since noon today, an eight hour long argument with a friend of mine about the world cup

it has been him telling me that europeans hate portugal and that they're latinos and they are racist against portuguese people and cristiano ronaldo is uh like they hate it and i go you realize he's worked and this is why do i know this i'm like why do i know that cristiano ronaldo is uh like they hate it and i go you realize he's worked and this is why do i know this i'm like why do i know that cristiano ronaldo has worked for um uh he's been in five world cups worked for portugal every time but in the other times he's just been manchester united the whole time and they have loved him and they have hated him it's all editors no it's just bullshit she probably has her facts wrong. I do. Please don't send her. No, I have them

right this time. He hasn't been with Manchester United forever. He hasn't been in the Premier League for years. He just recently was in the Premier League. He just got released from Manchester United. He's only been there for like a season. He's done five World Cups. He's been in the league a long time.

He's a douchebag. He's a douchebag. I don time yeah he's a douchebag yeah he's a douchebag i don't think he's a douchebag yeah no i think you his face is a douchebag yeah yeah it's very punchable i remember staying at a trump i think i brought this up on a podcast like trump i hated since i watched celebrity just because dice clay was on it so i watched a few celebrity apprentices and then fucking louis ck when i did that show they put me out up at a trump hotel and just his kids fucking heads are so fucking punchable and i like i was drawing mustaches on the her on the cover of the trump magazine that they give you complimentary in the hotel. The point, yes, he's the most punchable face guy. I heard he had a statue of himself built in his hometown.

He did it himself. He's a fucking cunt. The guy's face is a cunt without the fucking wormholes. But yeah, he's an awful person. You can tell awful people. Sure, yeah. And a book by its cover. Sorry about no encore for the donkey.

I'm trying to get someone who can make me 100 really nice hard copy fucking that. Anyway, I'm off topic. No, but. Animals kicked in. As far as World Cup goes, even I have had arguments about it today. It's just weird. Like why people are so excited about it. It's awesome.

And they get nuts. It's a world competition, a true world competition. True. But I guess the Olympics are too, right? Yeah. No? But you have to be a country you can't be like wales which is a province or no a protectorate i think they call wales a protectorate no you can

run in the olympics and not have legs you don't have to be a country to be in the olympics like no no oscar pistoris yeah he had no legs and he ran in the proper Olympics yeah, regular people he did great I mean, I think so this is a huge I came in to World Cup I wasn't going in the World Cup

well anyway, sorry that's alright I tweeted this I was going to do this to Chaley because Chaley has been since he was the initial fireman on the spot. By the way, the house is going...

No, that's my list of shit to do. I have my list here. No, I have it here. I was overthinking it when I wrote notes. The house finally after three-plus weeks, tomorrow, they're going to start tearing out all the shit that they have to replace.

I'll keep you updated. You've removed your possessions into boxes and storage bins, and they're going to take those off-site somewhere, and they're going to come in and basically demo. It's a completely empty house, and everything is getting fucking demoed. So we'll keep you updated on that. We've been everywhere. We have an Airbnb that's paid for, but I don't like to be in someone else's house.

So I just drop stuff off and I leave. We get to cat sit at Jaylee's house. So I just drop stuff off and I leave. We get to cat sit at Jaylee's house when they're out of town. We get to go over and visit my cat in my old house. My old cat in my old house on my old couch.

I don't know why you don't turn the heat on. Because I don't like to touch other people's shit. I couldn't find the yellow button. We're retarded. We just cared about the cat. There's a microphone right there. I'll just sit down.

We were watching something. Now that the poor house is not the poor house, but we were so excited to have Netflix at your house that we watched. A, I get a plug. Pepsi wears my jet is such an interesting i wouldn't say uplifting but it's a happy it's not a fucking downer find the murderer kind of thing yeah it's just a really fun fucking four part documentary

we watched something else whatever it was merrigan and and Harry. I tweeted this and I got no real answers. This is what I was going to do to you. Because Chaley was the fireman on the scene. He's the point man in the reconstruction of the house. He's doing everything. He made our dumb TV smart over here at the Quiet House that is loud with babble. So I wanted to do this to you on the

air it's just i i want to hire you as the point man on this and here i'm and slide you a figure on a folded up piece of paper because i saw that on something we were watching at your house. And he was like stunned. But that's a staple in so many movies throughout the decades of, I'm going to write a number down. Yeah. And I always thought, is this because they don't want to date? Yeah. The picture, like the amount of money.

Yeah. I'm going to give you $200. $200. You can buy that. You can buy Manhattan for a third of that. But the only person, Drew Hastings is a great comic. He's the only person that responded.

And he's a man of a certain age where he goes, well, yeah, we used that as a sales tactic back in the day for no reason, but it was very effective. And Drew Hastings, if I ran a fucking car lot and I could only pick comedians to sell cars, he would be fucking top of the list. But I'm like, what does that come from like has anyone seriously used

that i'm just throwing that question out because i want an like the fucking etymology of i'm gonna write a figure down and slide it across the desk for what why wouldn't you just say it out loud what's the i think part of it is the is that you don't tip it so you don't date it but if it's a period piece then i mean you've all got tommy guns and you talk like private private detectives hey see 10 grand for what that's what i'm paying you to be project manager where's the paper? No, I didn't do that. I already said I was going to do that.

So I'm going to do what the movies don't do and just say it. And in 100 years, they're going to go, he took 10 grand. Wow. Jesus Christ. Easy peasy. And a trip to Hawaii. Yeah, but I'll be gone for, I got to go to St. Louis to do a. No, we're going to Hawaii. But I got to go to St. Louis for the big show this year.

Why are we doing this on the air? I don't know. We're just talking. Don't you have a list of things to talk about? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I have a list of things to talk about, but we were talking otherwise, and that's way better. Yeah, it's about work, though.

Fucking, I'm supposed to go to, Hennigan has all these ideas. My head is so up and down with just being displaced and not being around my shit, but at the same time being home. That's why, yeah, I'll leave for Vegas three weeks early and just stay at hotels because the road mindset is a certain mindset. I have my shit. I have enough shit packed. I could just drive slowly town to town to

Nevada and stay in 21 cities in a nine hour drive. Isn't that what you used to do when you were homeless and doing on the road? Living out of my car. You do like a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and if you didn't have anything, you had to figure out what to fill time

between Sunday and Wednesday to get to Winnemucca. Miles City, Montana, and then you start again in San Angelo, Texas, and you have 15 days to get there. Okay.

Hey, I played this town before. I wonder if that bartender's still working and I can sleep on her couch. Yeah, you go act like you like somebody for a while. Oh, my God. Yes. That's where comedians cross all sorts of gender lines. Yep. Yep. We've sorts of gender lines. Yep.

Yep. We've blurred all the lines. We do what you got to do. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess with musicians, they would have a Tuesday night gig somewhere. They could do a rock gig and there'd be nobody there. Right. But they could at least bridge the gap between.

Bridge the gap. Yeah, but like comics, what are you going to do? You can't really. There'd be nobody there. Right. But they could at least bridge the gap between. Bridge the gap. Yeah. But like comics, what are you going to do? You can't really. It doesn't make sense to go to an open mic on the way to a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I mean, you will. I mean, you will. You will.

If you know the bartender. Yeah. She'll let you sleep on her couch. Uh-huh. All right. This is about the break part. Okay. Yeah.

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every day i instead of taking a third cup of coffee i'll do a b12 uh caffeine toothpick all right so so that was the one that gave you a buzz no i took the nicotine one and yeah it is it's a it's a little strong for someone who's never but But they have B12 and caffeine toothpicks. It's fine. And it's great. Yeah. I mean, I love, like, when I did quit smoking early, I would always just carry an unlit cigarette just to chew it. Or I'd get a Swisher Sweet and fire it up but not inhale it. But no, the fucking toothpick, that's the thing.

The one I had was cinnamon. Well, Tarek is here is here tarik uh he's a bartender and a smoker so we have uh we're gonna give you a packet of these you don't have to get up so we have a peppermint watermelon which that's actually that's the one i had that's the one i had with the with the nicotine in it yeah good was really good. Mocha, beautiful cinnamon. Always a favorite. Anyway, listen, we're using Zippix on the podcast so long as I'm in a place I can't smoke. Now it's time to find out for yourself.

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I'm going to work the gigs we have booked. But he's like, well, and it was my idea to begin with, go to L.A. without gigs and just do a bunch of podcasts because I know all these people but i have to be there and just do the podcasts uh and fucking it goes january oh yeah i can do that and uh you could do like kreischer and adam carolla and whatever i don't know like they all do incestuous podcasts now. I don't know what's going on. You usually do that when

you've got something you're promoting, like a book or something. Well, we're promoting Australia and Canada, even though the Canada dates aren't up yet that I know of. Seattle. Point is, yeah, it'd be good to get out there and promote and

actually see fucking comic friends. And fucking Kreischer, I was at sushi yesterday when I went to Sierra Vista, and Kreischer just randomly texts me, Miss you. I go, you're always right here in my heart. He goes, hey, do you want to come out and do, I should read it, but hey, will you come out and do my podcast? I'm opening a new studio and I'd love to have you as the first guest. And I go, funny, I was just about to text you about coming out in January to do your podcast. Yeah.

And when does it open? new studio nothing back oh my god this is in real time this isn't like i got back to his text to you this is back and forth i go when does it open still haven't heard a fucking thing that's the thing I never want to ask to do anyone's podcast, but people like Kreischer, I would definitely ask Kreischer. I wouldn't ask Bill Burr, but I'd...

I would manipulate Kreischer to ask Bill Burr for me without saying it or something like that. I'd really love to do Burr's, but that's how I ask for cookies. I bet those are really good. I've never had a Samoan before. Oh, my God.

Fucking bingo. What? She asked Raider because she's coming to Vegas, and she's like, Raider, I need to get on a diet diet plan and Raider's a good nutritionist can you like hook me up with like a diet plan and he goes yeah I got a

thing and there's an app and Bingo got a little we had a bad day yesterday and she's like Raider he knows this is important and why won't he get back to me and I go just text And she's like, Raider, he knows this is important and why won't he get back to me? And I go, just text him.

Hey, what's the name of that app? I can't put, I don't know how to use an app and I'm never going to use an app. I'm like, listen to me, Bingo. Text him. What's the name of that app? Because he's going to know that you don't know how to use an app and then it's gonna fall on him to the same way when i'm leaving town we need fucking i order club soda by the 80 fucking pound box on amazon and i order it when i know i'm gonna be out of town when either chaley or raider is checking my mail so they have to hop it into the funhouse.

And I'm like, listen, just listen to me. And what happened? You texted him and he went, oh, yes. I don't know. We'll work through it together. And he never called back. No, he came today and you're talking about your vagina the whole time. Well, I thought I'd

get a response with my vagina. But you were here today with him he finally showed up did you ask him about it this i was a little preoccupied i know this is how preoccupied bingo came in chaley has taken the 55 inch dumb tv off the wall in a living room that another TV is in while he's drilling into the wall. She doesn't notice

any of the TVs and boxes and mounts that are spread across the entire living room. I walked through the room three times. A construction site talking about her vagina. I'm very skilled with my twat. I mean, we are too.

I get it. We've seen it. That's a good one. I had a cyst hole in my penis. Didn't tell a soul. No. You showed me. She demanded.

I wanted to see that motherfucker. I had an ingrown hair at the, oh, Chaley's leaving. He's going to throw up. In the demilitarized zone where the underside of your penis meets the balls, and I had an ingrown hair that abscessed. Tell him what it smelled like. Or maybe not. Because it's not like a zit on your forehead where there's a base.

You squeeze it, it could go in. Yeah, it hides. Yeah, that's just all mushy flesh. And I tried to treat, i went to the dog anyway the point is yeah when it would have finally uh burst there was a giant hole because it's like dog skin dog skin or cat skin like it doesn't it's not taut so it doesn't, it's not taught. So it doesn't naturally come together. Like if you cut your knuckle, well, that skin comes together. This is just loose, fleshy.

Why dog skin? Well, like my dog. Have you ever had a dog with a cyst? Yeah. The wrinkly dog. Aardvark skin. Oh, yeah. Tracy's dog.

Yeah, you need like a Q-tip to get the gunk out sometimes. Yeah, and it just stays open. And I went to Costa Rica that year. Oh, dear. That's like, I don't know, 12 years ago, 10 years ago. Yeah, no, because you wouldn't go with me because Ichabod was a puppy. And had a red rocket. Go.

That's when Tamarindo lost their flag. Oh. Nope, sorry. Oh, my God. No, you don't edit a fucking. What are you talking about? I don't know. She thought she had a really funny joke, and she just died horribly.

I want you to leave every. Don't you dare edit that out. I'm leaving that in. That's my ringtone. What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick's hanging now. I go to the doctor about my fucking dick hole. Oh, God.

And whatever happened, that was the guy. And whatever happened, that was the guy. Anyway, I had Costa Rica planned. Bingo gets Ichabod as a puppy. I don't want to go to Costa Rica now because I have a puppy. And I went, I'll go by myself. But I have this festering fucking dick hole. And I go, I'm not going to get in the ocean with this and you're sweaty all the time and it just felt like a terrarium for spirochetes in my pants the whole time

and i cut my vacation short like i'm just i just i'm just gonna go home and uh yeah so yeah now now that i think about it we you know we we both had holes in our genitals that have weeped pus. And I think there's ways to spice up your love life that we don't have, and we shouldn't look for those. It's shocking to me how weak both of you are. Shocking. Because until you've been 300 pounds, you don't know puss. You don't know holes. You don't know gross or fat.

You don't know nothing. Infections? Mm-mm. No. Put a few extra pounds on you, buddy. See what happens. You'll stay home. You'll never leave the house.

Look at you. I couldn't go to Costa Rica the whole time because I had a hole. A tiny hole. In my wiener. Oh, you poor baby. Oh, my God. Any hole in your genitals that isn't supposed to be there is a concern. I once had a cyst in my lip that went all the way through,

went swimming in the Bahamas. No problem. Yeah, well, they had to close the beach. With the pigs. With the pigs swimming. What? Didn't care. No problem.

Look who's got an immune system. I don't think that's a product. Wait, did you go to that island where they had the pigs and you can feed them? Yep. It was great. No problem. And do you think that the pigs are like super clean or whatever? No, they poop in that water.

Yeah. Like it's gross. I've got a pig to eat a corn cob out of my vagina with a cyst. With a cyst. They liked it more. You ever see a pig smile? Nothing like it. That's my morning cup of joe.

I don't know why I'm giving you an accent. No, it's great. Might as well. From the south. Right? I'm an old southern metal. Rancid pussy. Honey, I guess.

Rancid pussy. Honey, I guess. David Tribble. Tribble Gigs. RIP. Just look. Is he dead? No. No.

Sorry. My old manager, Judy Brown Marmel, now Judy Marmel, called me up and said, hey, listen, David Tribble, if you've listened to this podcast, you've heard us talk about Tribble gigs, legendary, when I was living out of my car. Oh, yeah, you play Bozeman, Montana, and then you go to Idaho Falls, and then you double back to Billings on the other side of Bozeman, and then you're fucked, and then you're in Miles City.

on the other side of bozeman and then you're fucked and then you're in miles city and uh so he's he's legendary and he had to go fund me and she she judy called me up and said i don't know if you heard about david triple but like you got fucked with covet and disease and broken fucked and i don't know i thought about doing a benefit. And I go, well, the problem with doing a David Tribble benefit is none of the comics that work for him are a draw. She goes, that's why I'm calling you. You're the only one I know. Or would want to help. Yeah. Or there's that.

But then I said, well well send me a link maybe it's more of an online thing than a benefit show because he lives in like vancouver washington or something and she never sent me a link so i googled it and i found the gofundme and they they closed it down november 22nd yeah like three weeks ago so that's probably why she never sent me the link. She went, oh, it's too late on this one. But they raised enough money. But yeah, if you're a comic out there and you know David Tribble, send him your love or something because he's no longer accepting PayPal.

All right. I don't know what else. I can't believe that he retired before a comic. Like no comedians died on the way to a gig that they had to double back on. You know what I mean? The reason what made me start headlining yeah was i was playing a gig in missoula and the headliner on a triple gig there's only two acts the opening act you do 25 the headliner does 45 to 50 and bar rooms across the fucking great. Would they ever have like an MC or something or local guy up front?

Sometimes. That's when Becker started going with me. He wasn't getting paid. He got to do five minutes up front. And then Tribble yelled at me for having an unauthorized comedian on the bill. unauthorized yeah comedian on the bill uh but uh the headliner couldn't get from spokane where he lived across the pass because of a snowstorm so i had to go from i'm doing 25 to i'm doing the entire show and i fucking sat there you've never seen me cram for an exam like every note probably my only notebook everything and i explained to the audience what happened like so they they were on my side like i

always knew how to manipulate like hey i'm only supposed to do 25 minutes and that guy can't. I'm not supposed to be here. And I loved it. But that that's what forced me to be a headliner was have no fucking choice. So yeah, I love Tribble for that

except Tribble was reticent in paying me both the headliner money and the opener money. For stretching. I think he was just going to pay me the headliner money. I'm like, but I did both. Yeah. I did both.

And I did my time. I mean, it wasn't granted. Right? Yeah. The Tonight Show wasn't quality. Quantity, not quality. Right? Yeah. The Tonight Show wasn't quality. Quantity, not quality. That's right. Didn't it.

All right. Some quick thank yous. Linda Allen sent us some goofy games like Monkeys in a Barrel and Pickup Sticks. Oh, that's sweet. I love Linda. Everything's been moved. I've got them. I'll bring them out.

Everything's been moved because Chaley brought in fucking construction and smart TVs. I was going to ask you how you were dealing with being here and not home. I can see now. Well, it's only this fucked up today because the weather, because the trash, and that's all going to thrift stores, and that's all being packed for Vegas, but I don't want to put it in the car because I don't want fucking spin drifts to explode

because it's going to be 19 degrees tonight. Robert Chinoweth sent us, where's that dumb book? It was over there. Oh, there it is. It's How to... Yeah. Go ahead, Chaley. How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety and Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers

That Threaten Their Nine Lives. It's a goofy book. That looks fun. I like it. And then this. This is good. Maybe... Oh, let's see.

She Didn't Die. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great letter. And the guy's very, long story short, he just watched his girlfriend get shot in the head. I'm interested. Go on.

Yeah. More recently, my fiance was shot in the head right in front of me. Yep. You read that right. Miraculously, she was shot in the exact spot humans were designed to get shot in the head in as she's expected to make a full recovery. Oh, I'm not interested. I know. By the way,

Christine's yawning right now. Christine Levine is doing her podcast. I am. What's it called again? It's called Found Dead with Christine Levine and we are taking submissions.

If you have found a dead body, like if you're a hiker or a jogger or whatever. Pick me, pick me. Oh, bingo. Have you found a dead body i certainly have me and chad shank i i needed his help at the time and we are gonna do your podcast yes i would love both of you no i won't we'll do it uh but you can send a submission to found dead pod at gmail.com and i

will me and my producer i have a a producer now, Nora, and we will review your story and I mean, we want it to be true but honestly, there's a few cuckoos that have written us and we're like, eh, let's just talk to them. You know what I mean? We feel like it's bullshit but mmm, you know.

So foundedpod at gmail.com. Yeah, Cool. That was a goddamn hero piss. I could have pissed another 90 seconds and I just shut it down. Hey. Hold on. One more.

We've got someone, Melissa Fleming donated. There's a donate button on the podcast page. It's on the main standup.com. Yeah. I guess I should know standup.com. Yeah. I guess I should know where it's at. I put it there. If you go to Doug standup.com, we do have a donate button and Melissa,

thank you so much for donating 200 bucks. So nice. Oh yeah. Yeah. Tracy just told me about that and I go, I forgot completely. There is a donate button. Nice. That's why i need a i need a

bulletin board above whenever i have a desk again that has wherever we podcast from now that we're just gonna redo everything that has all those things a sales office don't forget to try to upsell them into the extended warranty yeah donate merch there's a merch button tour hey please retweet or repurpose whatever through fucking instagram and fucking cuckoo nuts and all that yeah tell people i'm coming to australia for fuck's sake just Just link my site. Some of those dates are up already as well as there's two dates for Seattle right now at the Neptune. All right. And Vegas.

We're adding more. Vegas. Yeah. I'm going to do open mics. Get on the fucking mailing list. We're going to fucking. This is. I don't want to do this,

but we're going to Hilo in January. I just, I just booked this. Oh my God. If you are in Hilo, Hawaii, let's say January 12, 13, 14. That's the best time to go. Yeah. If you think you can draw a crowd, if you think there is a space that is proper

to do comedy, I will do a goof-off show. But you're going to put it together? Fucking I want to put it together. Fucking. I want to see this stage. I don't send me a, Oh,

I drink at this place. Sometimes when I go over there every four years, there's a karaoke stage. If you have a gig, I don't know if anyone does comedy. Everyone does. There's no place. It might be a coffee shop that does no i'm not doing

a fucking coffee shop don't you fuck no don't you help i was just there a couple years ago i know a guy yeah yeah you know a guy and it went poorly and i've i don't want to do this i know once i this podcast goes out i'll wake up and i not going to fuck up a vacation by doing comedy. We had that exact conversation. But then I would do it. If I was there and there was a stage, all right, tempt me, Hilo listeners, Big Island. Isn't the fucking volcano going to go off?

I hope so. It's been going off for years how great would it be if the four of us died in coach because we're not paying for first class on a 53 minute flight from honolulu but we die in a plane crash that crashes into a volcano. This is... You can't make this stuff up! Only if I can find you. Yes. Then you have

to be like, okay, but she gets to come in the helicopter down and then... Oh my goodness! I did not expect that right here! You kept the Southern accent. Yeah, yeah. I like it.

Doug gave it to you. You're keeping it. I keep it. Yes. All right. I think that's it. The hints were, hey, LA, Burt Krasher, follow up. Burt Krasher, follow up.

Yeah, I want to go do your podcasts just to move fucking tickets in Canada and Australia. And Pacific Northwest. Those dates are going to get added. Yeah, they're going to get added. I'm going to talk about the ones that Brian Hennigan has actually finally fucking put up. And then after Canada, I might take a year of doing some fucking weird shit. I have a lot of ideas and a lot of things are put in perspective now. And yeah, maybe it's time to go do some fucking weird shit for a year.

I might come to your town, but it's, it's not going to be fucking selling decals and posters. We're going to do something fun. Stay tuned and get on the mailing list. And Bingo, could you take us out of this live? Yeah, I would like to say after the description of our lavish vacation, can we plug one more time that donate button?

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