The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #512 : "You're Checking In for 100 Nights?"

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Doug has a new residence on the road before he goes on the road. Recorded Jan 7th, 2023 at the Tucson Hotel in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Stanhope Store FIRE SALE - Stanhope merch - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS -Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast introduce the podcast doug oh we're recording yeah we're starting right now all right all right so we're at the tucson airport hotel and uh i checked in day before yesterday this is how you find out from your uh taciturn uh we will we'll keep you updated insurance company about what's going on with your house it's been six weeks uh plus now since the house fire that I've been itinerant. I've been a vagabond. I've been a toady, a roadie, a hobo. So they had an Airbnb.

They got for us for December in Bisbee. And I go, okay, that's good for the holidays or whatever. And then we went to Vegas for New Year's. We'll get to that. But there's no chain hotel in Bisbee. There's boutique hotels. There's Airbnbs. There's the Grand.

There's, you know, stuff like that. Copper Queen. There's not a Days Inn. Right. And if I had it to do over again, I'd have done it different. Either way that, that ran out at the end of the month, which was fine. Cause I was in Vegas and they hooked me up, which we'll get to. But as I'm in Vegas, I go, Hey, I got to get that. Cause it runs out on the 31st. I'm going to be doing a show. I won't be back till the second. I got to

get this set up. So I called the people in charge of housing you from the insurance company. And I said, hey, listen, I texted. They go, oh, they're texting me these texts. You need to be out. Please let the people know you're checking out on the 31st like it's kind of like an automated text like you have to be out and i'm like yeah but where am i going next and she's like do not reply to this text no one will answer so i said listen i want to stay up in tucson which they didn't get back to me till like the third. Oh, our office has been closed because of the holidays. Well, you're in charge of housing dis-homed people.

Like every time I've had a problem with them, it's because of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Those are the people who need this the most if i didn't have options if i was like someone who was relying on this insurance i would have been sleeping in my car for thanksgiving new year's yeah sorry so i i go i want to stay at the uh at the tucson airport hotel that i'm a regular at because i'm going to be traveling

coming up okay and they get it set up uh but no one's telling me anything about how long it's going to take and chaley talks to different people than i talk to and then he talks to i i send my queries to different people i'm not going to back once. We'll get to this. You talk to people in Spanish. Oh, yeah, the workers. Yeah. The people making everything happen. Oh, my God.

So I get to check in here a couple days ago. And, again, I'm a regular here. And I walk up to the front desk and they go, oh, hello, Mr. Stanhope. And then she clack, clack, clack, clack. I see you're checking in for, pause. Is this right? You're checking in for 100 nights? Evidently so, because that's how you find out from your insurance company how long this is

really gonna take yeah yeah that's true they said the minimum was six weeks early on and it's after six weeks at the six week mark where they haven't told me shit uh yeah that's how you find out. Oh, yeah, April 15th. I'm checked into this room from January 5th to April 15th, and that's how I got an estimate on how long it's going to take from Brittany at the front desk at the Tucson Airport Hotel. Who has nothing to do with the insurance. No, she had dealt with them. Oh, yeah. I found out some shit today.

I'll tell you later. Well, because I don't i don't know like all right what does it cost and i'm like all right because the the bonus of this is i get points i get my oh for your days yeah it's a hilton honors right There you go, said Tucson Airport Hotel. Cue trombone. Anyway, so, yeah, I go, because I don't know how points work. I just fucked up by, because we've only recently, I've always been frequent flyer mile. I know all that, but hotel points, how much do you make and how do you spend them and like what's the dollar equivalency of one point is that weird i don't understand you know how it works you get points for every stay but yeah you can use those points to get more stays but miles are different i know okay miles that's miles that's a i think it's a dollar amount. Well, that's what I figured out. And I figured out how much the insurance is paying for this by asking how many points I'm going to make for 100 nights.

Listen, I'm embracing this wholeheartedly. I've gone out. I had no idea I was here for 100 nights until they told me. They said, well, it's going to be approved for maybe a month, and then they'll have to re-approve it. And if it's going longer, and then I check in, and they're like, yeah, you're here until April 15th. And I just went out. Wait, tax day. Yeah.

Yeah, that's just in time for me to get my taxes out of the mysterious storage where all my shit from my house is gone. Oh, shit, that's right. Yeah. We were supposed to, we had to move every single thing out of the house for them to do asbestos and all this shit. And they go, oh, we're going to put these pods. Chaley worked with the guy. Oh, we can put the storage pods here and here and checked with the neighbors to make sure it's okay and uh then they came to pick up the shit and they go yeah we

couldn't get those pods we're gonna have to bring all this with a u-haul to fucking somewhere in tucson you're never gonna see it until this is done you know what they said when i go hold on we talked with the representative about bringing in some pods. We, like, stepped it off. We talked to the neighbors. Like, yeah, those are really hard to get. That was the answer. Those are really hard to get. That's not really an answer.

No, he did say here. Like, they don't understand business. I understand that. But I see those pods rolling around. That's the whole beauty of them is they drop them off. Anyway, whatever. It all went somewhere. Yeah, he...

I went out and it is like a two... basically a two-room. The room we're in now. Yeah, the hotel room. It's got a microwave and a fridge and a sink and a

separate... It's a separate bedroom, basically. It's bigger than a New York loft. Very spacious. Yeah, it's fine. It's the only bar that I'm a regular at anymore, where everybody

knows your name. And so I went out and I went to fucking Dollar Tree. Like I was a fucking teenager with his first apartment. Like, oh, I need a dollar can opener. I got a cutting board. I do have a, do you see my cute little cutting board? It says, always a sunny day.

Yeah, that's from the Dollar Tree. Dollar and a quarter tree. Turning into Paula Deen. No, because I brought fucking hummus sandwiches. Yeah, I get it. I was going to make you guys a hummus plate for when you got here. Yeah. So I've used, like, how often do you have a hotel where you use every drawer?

Or that you put stuff in a drawer. Yeah. We've never done that. Unless you stay in for more than four days. There's no point. And obviously, I'm not staying here every night for 100 days. Oh, you've got to. I'll be in.

Well, we're going to Hawaii tomorrow to Hilo for vacation. Actual vacation. The trailies and bingo. Oh, we're going to have a bingo vagina update later on. But yeah, we'll talk through it if she wants to spring up and chime in. But I get all the funny details. It's going to be graphic and make Chaley puke. Oh, I keep the puke buckets in the third drawer.

I should have got ginger ale. Just to rinse out with. And then Australia. I'm going to go to L.A. to do some podcasts just before Super Bowl. Then Super Bowl, I realized I saved like four grand on airfare, maybe more, if I left on Super Bowl Sunday rather than the day after. So I decided that I'm going to I booked my flight to go through the LAX from Tucson. And then I have a seven hour layover timed out. So I can watch the Super Bowl and have my own Super Bowl party by myself.

I'm just embracing my own fucking pity party. No Super Bowl this year? No fun house? I'll be in a goddamn Sky Club. I'm going to wear that Delta jacket. No, that vintage Delta. It's going to Delta. So it looks like you're an employee.

I might do squares there. Oh, that'd be fun. Squares for gifts, not for money. Yeah. But I have that whole bag. It's called your swag. Your Delta swag. All that Delta.

Not that anyone's going to be there for the entire Super Bowl like me. You might be surprised. There's always people bouncing around. I mean, believe it or not, some people don't give a shit about Super Bowl. me. You might be surprised. There's always people bouncing around. I mean, believe it or not, some people don't give a shit about Super Bowl. I did tweet that I'm doing that and it'd be funny if someone

actually... I was thinking about bringing Bingo since we have our hotel here at the airport. She could just fly with me to LAX and then get the night flight back and go right back to bed. Remember that one time you went to that

crazy island where the airplanes take off and blow the tourists in the water? That was the place where you were there by yourself. There was some kind of... They feigned interest in the Super Bowl. They really didn't go out of their way.

Well, that was the only Super Bowl, except for last year where I was filming that movie. So I couldn't be. So since 2006, the only Super Bowl, we decided like, fuck it. Me and Hennigan and Bingo went to St. Martin. we decided like fuck it me and Hennigan and Bingo went to St. Martin and we're in some resort where they put up one of those inflatable screens

like you used to get off of sorry I got a bit of that I shook everybody's hand in Vegas flu that Derek showed up with going oh it's just allergies and he rode up with going, oh, it's just allergies.

And he wrote up with Nigel Duara, who's like, I got the fucking virus. Well, I didn't. I just got this cough because I didn't get tested. The St. Martin Super Bowl that you had been going. Yeah, that was Seattle. That's the one that Seattle was about to win. But instead of handing it off to Marshawn Lynch, they fucking threw it.

Oh, my God, yeah. Patriots. It was like a shit Super Bowl. It's a windy outdoor by the pool with this. Like, it's the inflatable screen from the SkyMall magazine. From the 90s. And everyone is in their 90s that's sitting there watching it. No one cares in these stacking chairs

and there's zero enthusiasm. So we just said fuck this and went back up to the room and then it got good. I remember that was a fun Super Bowl at the Funnels. We went to a grilled cheese contest. Yeah, with Erickson at a cooking contest.

He beat the shit out of me. He used Velveeta. I used fucking and white bread. And I tried to elevate a little bit. He went Food Network. I went Food Network. He went fucking Trailer Park. And he won.

He handily won. To this day, he would still win. Velveeta is one of those things like junk cereal that every time I eat Velveeta, I expect it to taste as miraculous as it used to. And it never does. Like your memory of it is something. Yeah.

I know a cereal is definitely different. I don't know if Velveeta is different. Cereal is made different now. Yeah. Definitely made different. I think Velveeta is, is not even cheese. It's a cheese stuff.

Yeah, no. So it's, I, I wonder if it's changed. I don't know. I'm not even cheese. It's a cheese stuff. I wonder if it's changed. I don't know. We never had a real kid. My parents had jobs. I do remember having government cheese at one point. Is it orange or white?

I don't remember. What do you remember about it then? Just having this giant block of cheese going. Everyone gets a huge wheel of cheese. Do you remember about it then just having this giant block of cheese going everyone gets a huge wheel of cheese do you remember that it was like a a comedy staple yeah for a year government cheese yeah government government well i've lived in a different neighborhood but i think that's when my mother and father get divorced and i don't want to talk about it that's why you can't remember the color of the cheese? I keep looking for a clock.

Are we breaking? Oh, okay. Are we breaking? We should. It's a new year. I don't know what we're doing for advertising yet. Get on Patreon. All I know is that I have a... For the record, yes.

I do have... I've been staying at Bingo's house. I do have options. But the thing is, Bingo and I live in separate houses for a reason. I'm not, it's not our house. I'm at her house. And when she's at my house, when I have a house, she's at my house. But yeah, she's a hoarder and i'm a fucking

prick i'm just saying we're making it work it's it's not yeah the the point is i just want to have my fucking house and i know that someone's fucking someone but there's so many people involved with this from the insurance my guy into the people who put you up and then the guy that's in charge of getting the people to make our house good and then oh we have asbestos and these people are another team that other guy he's was that check I had to sign from the insurance. That was just for them to bring my shit out. To remove it and then to clean everything.

Yeah. And then it was cleaned again. And then he said, you won't see me again after I signed the check over. Wait, wait, what? You won't see me again until it's all done and we bring all your shit back in. So there's all these layers. And I know everyone's trying to fuck everyone. And I just, you just leave the, I don't need a roof.

Just go. Well, you have a roof right now. You don't have a ceiling. The thing, I was agoraphobic in a good way. Like quarantine reinforced that I love being at home. I've never been at home for a fucking year and a half. I love being at home. And once I realized that is my passion, to fucking stay home,

now it's going to work out in the end in that I'll have a brand new house because they have to fucking redo everything because of asbestos. Thank you mesothelioma. Are those t-shirts sold out? I'd like to believe that this cough.

Two mesothelioma smalls left. Well, good. Well, that might as well be a zero left. Wait, can we just sew up the bottoms and make them... Sew them together? No, sew up the bottoms so they can be leg holes for onesies. Messothelioma Smalls. Well, my fans with cancer, they're going to be Smalls eventually.

Yeah. Bury yourself in that. We'll be right back. yourself in that we'll be right back so uh jonathan jostle the ceo of the plaza let me come in i was booked for new year's eve and he let me come in two weeks early put us up in a suite for the first from the 20th i think yeah 19th 20th i spent christmas there like i i i have no beefs with my situation everything's working swimmingly uh yeah he like yo dear you're welcome to come up i just spent christmas there uh in a penthouse we I had the entire penthouse floor to myself

for the first 11 or 12 days of two weeks. It was to the point where it was making me insane because Bingo didn't even show up until she got fucked in that whole Southwest Airlines thing. She didn't even show up until

a few days before New Year's and so it's just me by myself on the entire penthouse floor of suites it's basically you the shining it was the fucking shining it was you and the pyrotechnics team getting ready for new year's that's the only other people on that floor and they were above you actually Because that's where the fireworks got shot off Is the South Tower I was watching guys on the North Tower I was just standing there Like fucking Howard Hughes

Looking out the 25th floor window Down at the Fremont Street Experience Wandering around Hennigan kept showing up I'm just going to stop by Why? Why? For what? We're going to chat I'm in my underpants

Yeah But it was so fucking nice Oscars Steakhouse Every night I don't want to go out I just want to sit in my pajamas And be bingo But no

Those fucking meatballs I'd just go to the bar i wasn't sitting and dining but i go to the bar and these meatballs even bingo who doesn't she she is so grossed out by beef of any kind yeah she ate one of the meatballs every night she's with me. Can I have your other meatball? Everyone was so fucking cool. And I started gambling, which I pretty much blew off gambling ever since I hit that royal flush back at Sal Volcano's bachelor party in 2019. That's right after Caesar's palace banned me from all their properties and i couldn't go to one of the fucking events because they had it at caesar's you had to keep

looking up who what other properties does caesar's own because there's only three main companies that own all of the arrows yeah yeah so uh when i was checking out all fucking hateful because I couldn't go to that thing, I hit a fucking $5,400 Royal Flush on a dollar machine as we're about to check out. Only because the elevators had gone down. And I'm calling bingo. I had gone down to do whatever. And I go, we're checking out. And all the elevator banks are down.

Fuck, I was so miserable. I just put $100 in a dollar poker machine and I fucking hit a royal flush. I'm not gambling anymore. And I didn't. Except for last year, I gambled a couple... Not like before. No, just like walking past the roulette

wheel, I'd hit it. And Jocelyn if you're listening I was going to DM this but it sounds stupid the reason I started gambling is because we wordle I know it's shameful to hear but we

Tracy Chaley, Christine Hodge and Junior and I we have our little wordle text feed and we wordle every fucking day and it hits on every synapse that is a gambler gamblers it's just like video poker pat pat pat five things come over you're like oh and also what i do with roulette which it's not a system that works, but like, I look at, I look at the fucking, just like you look at, Oh, it's been how many numbers since black showed up, odd showed up third quadrant. Yeah. I look, we're so overdue for you.

We're like nine, 10 days since we've had a you in Wordle. That's what I think, but i think of it like that and i knew as because this has made me like a gambling addict for for the last what i think that it tuned you up to try and yeah almost a year we've been doing wordle every day and i go i know i'm gonna start fucking gambling when i get there just because of wordle it's's a gateway. Here's the fucking million dollar idea for Jocelyn or anyone who fucking can follow through with it. If you can license Wordle and make that a live

game of some kind in Vegas, you'd fucking clean house. Because people who wouldn't be interested in gambling but are interested in crosswords or fucking old speed. Yeah, exactly. That's a fucking monster idea. in gambling, but are interested in crosswords. Fucking old-school. Yeah, exactly.

That's a fucking monster idea. God, it hasn't happened. Or that it's happened. Yeah, because no one thought of it until I did and put it out on this podcast. The game companies are the ones who come up with all that stuff and they present it to the casino and they follow trends

and they set trends. They would do something stupid with it. Like a slot machine. Well, no. It's a fortune. It's a fortune. And it's just a slot machine. And then occasionally you get to Wordle.

No. No. It's going to be where you are looking at all those fucking angles and odds. I mean, Wordle took off for a reason. Money on Wordle? In a quick fucking fashion? Jesus. Let it ride? Fuck you.

Wordle is the new game in town and if you could be first, oh my god. Always gotta be first. Yes. So that's Jonathan Jossel, I do have something.

It's going to be until the house gets fixed and I get my shit out of storage. I did figure out a perfect gift to say thank you. But in the meantime, there's your idea. Fucking run with it. You're a CEO. I'm a comic. So this is yours to run with. I'm just an idea, man. it you're a ceo i'm a comic so this is yours to run with i'm just an idea man thank you for the meatballs we get to pick our meals from lax to uh honolulu on delta

and there were three choices one was something like curry ick and one was cold vegetarian ick, and the third and final choice was meatballs. And I had to select this right after two weeks of eating Oscars meatballs, and I go, oh, this is going to be a letdown, but I'm going with meatballs. And Billy, the fucking dealer, fuck you, Billy. Fuck you. The fucking dealer. Fuck you, Billy. Fuck you.

He was the best, absolutely the best dealer ever in my entire life. And I won. I won pretty good. What was he a dealer of? Well, they rotate them. Yeah, but was it when you had a check or? No, I was on roulette. Yeah, I only did roulette for the whole time and fucking consistently

well. Occasionally, like one time, just because Jen was another great dealer. She was at Let It Ride, which is the worst odds. You played that? I went over because she was lonely and I'll throw $100 up.

She gave me because it's $10 minimum. So she gave me a hundred dollars with 95 and fives and then five singles. And then just like lose, lose, lose, lose. And I go, you gave me the five and ones. Like you're going to get tipped. You're an optimist. No, you're going to give me one're gonna get tipped you're an optimist no you're gonna give me one hand yeah

tip you know uh but at the end i went down right before we're gonna leave i woke up early and went down and hit a video poker machine but well i actually know the night before playing double double and uh i I got with bingo because she doesn't know how stupid this is and I won. I got a full house, three twos and two queens and I fucking... We're going to throw away the queens and get that

fourth deuce. Clink, hit it. No, fuck you! Yeah. And then the next morning I hit four aces with the deuce. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, fucking bang. And then loaded up the car and drove nine and a half hours home and went, oh, I don't feel so good shook a lot of hands at vegas but it's only a cold if you don't get tested it's looking like it's the flu this is this is the bullshit of it and let's get back to vegas because i want to hear all the you don't need to talk about but But no, I just, whoever,

I remember reading somewhere that a million years ago that 99% of whatever of the cases of people who say, I have the flu, have a cold. But how do you know the difference? Is there a difference? You just feel like shit. Yeah. It's COVID, it's fucking AIDS,

it's whatever. It's COVID, AIDS, you know, common flu, common cold. If you don't know the difference between a cold and a flu, nobody does. Isn't one viral and one bacterial? Do you get

tested for a cold? Yeah, I tested the antigen test and it said it's a cold. Oh, your antigen test says you have the sniffles. Can I have a drink, my nice lady? So, back to Vegas. Yeah, so I didn't really do anything except hide in my room,

go out for a happy hour at Oscars, and then sneak back down and go, i'll just gamble for a little bit yeah until everyone showed up you have a thing where you get up like in a weird hour even at home where you'd like i'd still be editing out there to be like one in the morning you went in at like 8 30 took a circle went to sleep and you get up at one and you're like uh one more drink you do the same thing in Vegas, but you go down and then you spend an hour gambling. I mean,

that's the beauty. Yeah. Yeah. But I, I wasn't reckless by any means there. I just, I didn't really want to do anything. I mean,

I wanted to do a bunch of goofy shit. My idea was all right, let me in early. I have seven different suits. I'll go down. And that's one thing. Fat Mike from NoFX. We were going to play bingo together.

He lives in Vegas. Yeah. And by the time he came around, I was like, yeah, the people are here now. And I got to fucking focus on the show. It is good you focused on the show. But I was like, yeah, I'll host at Oscars. I'll just like show up and like try to seat people. But it's not like Sneaky Pete's in Cincinnati where I can fucking just jump behind the bar.

You're risking fucking gaming licenses. If I was like going to fuck off. I like, all right, this is, this is not. Even Oscars. I mean, you're,

you're at the Plaza down on Fremont, but it's still a fucking renowned steakhouse. Yeah. And there's, these guys are making serious dough in there. I still see the guy that, that served us the first year we went there. He's been there like 30 years,

you know, that guy. Mayor D Hotel. Mayor D Hotel. Yeah. Sneaky Pizza and, Pizza and Go Bananas in Cincinnati. I'd just jump behind the bar like I love to do, but that's where they know I'm coming. But no one's watching. Yeah.

There's no issue. Everyone's watching in Vegas. I had ideas. I'll just go behind. I'll get a dealer's uniform and go play some funny blackjack like the Impractical Jokers.

Yeah, you probably need a lot of fucking clearance for that. Maybe I'll just stay in the room and not fuck up. Run your set. Oh, yeah, please hold. I went to open mic at Wiseguy's one night, and of course

I was too drunk. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go to the dive bar and do open mic. I'd do way better just working on my set in my room rather than bothering a bunch of people and stealing open mic. They need the time.

Some fucking guy's got to come bump them to try to work out his fucking hour. When you did Dear Wise Guys, did you do more than a few minutes? I went up and I just tried to fucking rearrange the room. I'm like, hang on. Well, like physically? What do you mean by rearrange the room? Hey like hang on well like physically well what do you mean by rearranging room hey everyone move towards the front yeah this is the problem open mic especially in vegas and that's why i was like too attached because that's where i started they don't get to mingle with fucking working comics they're just watching each other the whole time and then

there's five people that are there to see one guy is there are there machines in the showroom no no wise guys is a comedy club okay keith stubbs club uh yeah it's great but they're all bored with each other and i was like trying to get like all right hey everyone this is everyone's spaced out randomly in an empty fucking room. I don't know how many are comics and how many are people. There's comics and then there's people? Audience.

I mean, Wiseguy's open mic is probably all comics, right? Yeah. There's audience members but they're all friends and the two of them are friends of this guy yeah they're all waiting for their friend to get done so they can leave so i try to and then i went back up and i went all right i'll try to do three minutes just legit

yeah and i couldn't i spent eight minutes before i get to my first joke on stage. Was there a guy frantically, like, burning a flashlight at you? Here's the problem. With open mic, when comics know you, like, then you watch and you fucking laugh. Even if they're not funny, you fucking laugh. Because I remember when I was open mic-er or a professional comic came in like did he laugh when i was up there oh did he say anything but then they get off it's just like the green room when you have local openers they get off stage and i'm there in the back of the room but it's

in the room and then they come over and talk to you while the next guy is on like i'm trying to watch the next guy but if you say that then you're being a prick yeah like that guy's a fucking asshole he told me to shut up because he's watching the other guy i'm like you go hey good job like i just want to tell you like don't talk in a fucking silent room so yeah it was so it was they had every level of going back to junior high school. Just, you know, we were talking about that. That time I had to speak when I was running for president in a fucking.

What state was that? Missouri or Indiana. Some teacher like contacted you. Student. Student. But the teacher was super cool. Yeah. I remember that dude.

But it was really weird because we had to go to the office yeah passes to go to go to the classroom and i was as fucking nervous as when i actually had to go to school and and i'm like oh i'm a new kid in a new school and you can't go, hey, can I get a shot? A little jittery about my presentation. Who's drinking here? No. It was in front of a classroom. Doing crowd noise. Fucking high school. It sucked.

Yeah. You didn't check the TV. Oh, my God. Somewhere Chaley has videotape of that. Oh, yeah. Really? That's all Chaley has. Chaley's whole fucking crawl space is hard i don't that hennigan took

all that stuff we gave it to him to digitize oh that's that's all that's how old it is yeah no i gave him everything i had no matter when i filmed it because when i first started going on the tour with you i was doing two camera shoots and then i would i mean people weren't holding up their phones like they do now now you can just go hey everyone record this next bit our recorder's down but i would set up a camera at the sound booth because i wouldn't have to worry about it because i'd let the guy you know he'd watch it the sound guy and then i would do a roaming one off a side shot like a three-quarter shot and that's i mean i got a bunch of like small little those little cassettes and that

was one of them when that that tour where we went uh to that high school once everyone showed up chad jenny derrick nigel hack hack uh andy andy andy letterman andy is Letterman. Annie Letterman, Todd, Sandro, Nikki. Nikki and Sandro and Annie did a show at Wise Guys Friday. And Linda Allen and her sister Mary. Yeah. And a ton of other people that were, you know, from the. Yeah. Who?

It's so funny. I'm right when you walk in the door. I'm like in a booth there. So like before anything's happening, I'm already there answering questions and then like figuring things out. And then they go, hey, we got a wheelchair. I'm like, all right. It's like, no, it's a party at 10 and a wheelchair.

I'm like, oh, all right. And then you're just going to have to chill. We're going to get you set up because it's different levels. You can't come in and go to the upper level. You have to come in on the level that your wheelchair goes. There is no extra ramps. You have to be on that middle level, right? And so we had to find a spot for 10 people and a wheelchair.

And then they go, hey, there's another wheelchair out there. What? Another one? All right. This isn't the other one? No, no, this is just a guy by himself. All right, well, we got to find out where that is. A little bit later, it's like, hey, there's another wheelchair out there.

We had four wheelchairs that needed access. I didn't know that because I opened with that whole thing about why is the plaza trying to push this whole hip vibe with the posters of all these supermodels and stuff hanging at the plaza you put the real people that play here up on the posters i want to the obese guy and the fucking scooter with the oxygen tank and the colostomy bag in the elevator looking at me that guy with the wisp of hair Across his face sucking on a shrimp Yeah it was busy

Busy just getting the wheelchairs in We were at a table And like two wheelchairs Together Scooters Scooter or wheelchairs? Scooters Are going together

Let's bet on who wins Because they were going neck and neck we never played the fucking sigma derby yeah yeah we gotta go to vegas we just got back no no like without a show oh just to go do that in the summer when it's 117 degrees and it's yeah exactly 117 degrees. Yeah, exactly. That's where you want to go. Christmas was great and empty.

And I wanted to do shit for Christmas. But I like... It's also the perfect time to be going to Hawaii. Because everything is off-season right now. Really? Yeah. Everyone goes there for New Year's and Christmas. Starting around... It's like when L.A. shuts down.

Around Thanksgiving, and then it's really high season. Winter, you would think Hawaii would be high season. Yes, but it's much higher during Christmas. We're going to Hilo, where I think it's always off-season. That's the only

town I've ever been to. I've been to Maui. I think for the island. Maui's an Maui. I think four of the islands. Maui's an island. You went to Lahaina. Whatever. I've been to four of the islands, I think. They all just... Kauai? You went to Kauai?

I don't know. The big island, Maui, Oahu. Where's the other one? I don't know. I know there's only one left, but Hilo is the only town I've ever been to And we were only there for a day We flew from Honolulu

To meet up And hang out with Roseanne For an afternoon And then came back shit-faced to Honolulu And crashed to Eddie If's show And I pulled my balls out That's all I remember That's where you pissed yourself too

Well no, that was a different time. That was in Honolulu with Roseanne when I pissed myself and we went skinny dipping. That time she came to me. Oh, okay. But the first time we went to her in Hilo and she was drunk literally in two drinks, shit-faced. Wait, does she have a place in Hilo? She's on the big island. It's somewhere between Kona.

She's got a macadamia nut farm there. Nut farm. How fitting. I know. But yeah, the show was, well, it was, I had to, where I had to write, because I'm very meticulous in a bad way about, I don't want to repeat material. But I had so many bits that I had just started last New Year's Eve.

And I listened to the tape like, oh, fuck. All right. Can't do that. Can't do that. Oh, I can do this because I just threw that out as an idea. And now it's an actual bit. So I'm like cutting bits that have grown into full bits. I'm cutting out the head and doing the tail of the bit.

Like this is what it's been. But it was fucking New Year's Eve. Robert, the guy that got thrown out. Just this guy at some point came to the, near the beginning of the show, just came right to the front of the stage. I don't know if he gave me a drink, but he just stood there. And he had that look, that blank look of, you're too fucking done. And then I had to have him thrown out gently, as gently as you could possibly.

And he had brought us like a sack of Book of Mormons and stuff, but he was gone. I'm like, you can't yell someone into sober. You can't say, hey, listen, try to be more sober. No, you're not going to get through this. And then he came back up again and he got walked out. When the doors opened at 6.30, 8 o'clock show. At 6.30, since I'm at the door right right when you walk in the

doors i'm at that table there because i'm managing something's happening robert and i had a conversation he was fine we were talking about the last gig he reminded me of some things that happened during the last one it's like i was gonna bring a sign that said i hope we're not tepid because you said something about it being a tepid audience last year. I'm like, all right, well, nice seeing you. Oh, I got some Bibles for you. I'll get them later, man. Nice talking to you. I got to manage some things going on here. You know, we got some wheelchairs and stuff. Oh, this is right before the show? At 630 when he was one of the first people in and that's why he got one of those seats up there. And so when I saw there was a problem, I'm like, that's fine. It looks like that shirt Robert's.

Oh, shit. That is Robert. And then he stood up to kick himself out as per your instructions. And then instead of turning around and walking out, he walked towards the stage. And then that was just. And I've had this work before where I before i go listen you're way too drunk i understand i've been there you're gonna get thrown up but it would be funnier and if you just picked yourself up by the back of your own collar and walked yourself out because you see the security

is right behind you do it on your own and so he got up and just walked towards the stage and stood there again i'm like all right see you're not gonna get any of this and i really hoped to hear from him via email or social media like no hard feelings buddy it's fucking new year's he's got a show to put on and that's why you don't work it, except for, I love the plaza and the money. You're not there for the ball drop. There's not a thing of balloons

falling down. It's like you're done by 10 o'clock. Everyone goes on with their New Year's. That's what's so great about it. And then there was also another throwout. He was a guy, I remember him, he was wearing a wyoming uh ball cap and he would go up to that bar on the last level in the back and i'd be talking to someone i'd be working on something i'd see him catch my eye and he'd be i knew he wanted to me and it was like an hour into the show and he is leaning against the

curtain and i'm like i do not want to talk to this guy. I kept trying to... Like me at the wormhole? Exactly. He knew because he'd do that thing where he's like, and then he'd stumble. I'd go, oh, fuck. The next thing I knew, there was security

behind him. It was like the worst conga line ever. It was just him and the security behind him just like keep going keep going and he had to walk all the way across he didn't even get that last drink because he was just shit-faced and it's too bad because big fans but it's the it's the drink and that's my security talk when i talk to security at the beginning of the show before good i go look, no rough stuff. Doug will let you know.

He'll usually say, hey, Shaley, or he'll address it first. When my name is mentioned, then it's over. That person goes. But it's like we don't let Doug handle it because he's been doing it long enough. And we want everyone on Doug's side. And that person will shut down.

But not if they're too drunk. Yeah, the crowd. There was a vomiter, another vomiter. Yeah, I heard about it the next day. The next day, that was the whole thing. Well, the next day happened to be Football Sunday. So, well, I'll hang out and watch football like we did years back. Yeah, the Andy P incident.

But that was in september okay well come to the show in uh saturday night and we'll all yeah that wasn't new year's eve so i woke up not wanting to go anywhere but i'm like it's 10 o'clock you know fucking 10 a.m 10 a.m on 10 a.m. 10 a.m. on New Year's Day. That's when the games start on the West Coast. And I can't do it. People forgive me for missing.

I'll get down there for the afternoon games. And I get down there at 12, 30, 1 o'clock. Nobody's. Yeah, there was a handful of people. And I get to say hi to some people and do the rounds but yeah of course everyone's more hungover than me yeah because they really wanted new year's eve to happen they probably are just going to bed so it worked out fine i did spend enough time to make sure anyone who was wanting to watch football. But, yeah, I didn't want to watch shit. Did the Sand Dollar have all the TVs on football?

That little bar? I only went in there. That's where Linda Allen was hanging out with a couple people. And so it was non-smoking in there. So I'd spend as much time as I could on smoke. You just go to the sports club because you can smoke. I smoked three fucking cigarettes in this I could on smoke. I'd smoke three fucking cigarettes in this room. And you know why I'm smoking in this room?

Because housekeeping will not be allowed in until April 16th, and by then the stink will be gone. I brought Axe. If there's any other notes that I shared with you, we're going to save...

Vagina update. We're going to save that for Hawaii. We'll have another one out post-haste. But yeah, I'm vacillating in and out of sanity because you have to understand, as good as I have it right now, yeah, I get to go to Vegas. They put me up. I get 100 days here. I'm still living on the road and then going on the road from the road. My entire career of 32 years, okay, I go on the road and then I come back to wherever I live. And now that I live on the road, I have to take my shit on the road to wherever I'm staying for 20 days or 100 days.

And then have some of my stuff at Bingo's house and then be on the road and then go on the road. then be on the road and then go on the road i'm gonna go on vacation from the road from bingo's house and then come back to off vacation which is a hotel to a hotel to go on the road to go international you got it i mean that's a big one too but it's fucking summer there so oh yeah yeah look at the bright sides but it's fucking easy to lose your mind which is where the material will come from right right thank you guys for listening and bingo

crying from your bleed couch take us out I did it for some you're not on camera I know that's why I did that I knew that. That's why I did that. I knew that fair and square. I'll go with you.

Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.