The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #52: The Retirement Podcast

Episode Date: December 16, 2014

Doug is back in Bisbee with comedian Brett Erickson (@BrettErickson68), Chad Shank (@hdFatty) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille) to announce his annual retirement, rehab ideas, high pressure sundry sales tactics, Brett Erickson’s migration west, The Black Mirror on Netflix and the revamped website.Tour and Podcast T-Shirts are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com Supplies are limited.Show Links:Maho Beach - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wertH16rSIModern Drunkard Magazine - http://www.drunkard.com/Lewis Black’s - https://www.lewisblack.com/Bill Burr - http://www.billburr.comBrendan Walsh - http://www.brendonwalsh.com/This podcast sponsored by-Saxx Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/-Doug Stanhope’s Celebrity Death Pool - https://dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/Jan 15&16, 2015 Brett Erickson will be performing at Belushi’s in Ft. Myer’s, FL.Recorded Dec 13, 2014 at the Safe House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), comedian Brett Erickson (@bretterickson68), Chad Shank (hdFatty) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.While you’re at it, join the mailing list. No telling when Doug will book another show? Get on the Mailing List and he will contact you the minute he decides to quit his retirement.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. You know why it's great that we have no official sponsorship is because I am in retirement. So doing this podcast would prove that I'm not actually retired. This is the Doug Stanhope podcast from retirement. Feels good, right?

It's the Friars. No, I can't. Sponsored by nobody. Still sponsored by nobody, because if I was actually getting paid for this, I wouldn't be retired. You couldn't be. No, I'd be full of shit. I'll come out of retirement soon.

I'll panic. I hope so. But yeah, after New Zealand, which was fantastic. Thank you. New Zealand was a lovely time. You were very polite folk and we had a nice time and that was my last gig.

And after that, and we had a nice time, and that was my last gig. And after that, I purposely had no professional or social obligations so I could pretend to be retired. I've done this before. It's not a snafu on the website under the tour dates link. Yeah, where it says none? There's a new website, and it's got merch because that's – Chaley took it over.

I hadn't even looked at my website, as you can tell by my lack of updates. I'll update it, but it'll be for fun. I don't get paid for that or the podcast. Dude, that just proves you're retired. Now you're like the Rolling Stones. You're not on tour, but you have tons of merch for sale. I'm going to dabble. I'm going to dabble in stuff.

Chaley's got the merch going because we got T-shirts and shit. We got a fucking bunch of T-shirts because I didn't bring anything to Australia and New Zealand. We had a lot of merch, and I'm like, I'm going to fucking hump this around another country, and then they're going to finger fuck you about, well, you're going to pay taxes up front. I've had that in Canada. Tariffs. Yeah, yeah. Well, we count up your merch, and then we make you pay taxes,

and then you get it back when you leave. So, yeah, I don't bring merch out of the country. You just brought bingo. Brought bingo. Very little problem. Generally, she's a problem at borders. This time she saved me i think we probably already talked about this we have our podcast if you don't know is a bit disjointed and sometimes

yeah it goes way out of order so we already aired one australia podcast but we have a second one that needs a lot of editing to get some of the shit that happened in the show edited into the podcast. We need to get it first. Alex still has it because he's busy. He's busy. Everyone's busy. It'll come out.

Well, it's summer down there. It's not fucking dated. Like I'm talking about the fucking Angelina Jolie, Sony Gates. Someone called her a fucking mediocre talent. We're not talking about that. Yes. So, yeah, it'll come out. Gene Connors, our councilman, who's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, that'll come out. We got some in the can. There's one that will not come out. Probably with the Whis girl's sister because i was way hung over and bingo was so fucked that she didn't say two words and then yeah it's just i don't think it worked and i don't want to listen to it so i'm going to go with my gut lindy kept saying hey can you cut that part out i don't think i should have said that thing so you know what let's just fucking make it a

wash and next time she visits, we'll talk again. So that's a part that I can cut out because it's superfluous to this podcast. Here's other podcasts you'll never hear. The first one we did with Brett

Erickson. You'll never hear that. Seven people fucked up talking over each other. This one's just going to be four people fucked up talking over each other. Yeah, I'm not quite fucked up yet. We just went to sushi, 12 of us. We got 12 people to actually get together and go to a different town, and it worked. That was...

You know what I was impressed with was you said, meet here at noon, and we're leaving at 1230 and no one pushed the 12th well they're not leaving until 1230 so we'll get everyone was here and ready to go yeah it was very nice so like it was a company it was the company Christmas party is what it was

what it turned into very nice I like when that Asian waitress we're trying to take a picture you're trying to chaley's trying to take pictures as he always does she goes can i take a picture of the whole table we're like yeah and i i'm glad she snapped the picture as i uh i had the tab and credit card in my hand just to rub it in your face later. You didn't tell me there was 12 people, but I'm glad I stayed home.

Yeah, Joby was the 12th. Well, we saw Shawnee on the way over there. We were behind him. So when we got to the two lane, we pulled up beside him. He thought we were cops. They're both the kind of cars cops drive around here. Well, yeah, that was weird because we left in two vehicles and we arrived in three. Yeah, and then we called Joby. So, yeah, retirement.

Speaking of, the first social obligation that I... Hold on a second. You haven't introduced the podcast yet. Oh, shit. So just start it clean. Well, I did. I said this is the Doug Stanhope Retirement Podcast. But you didn't introduce who's talking.

Yes, I haven't introduced Chad Shank that everybody knows and Brett Erickson who everyone will know. We have a fucking house full. Yeah, no, I did introduce the thing. And we have Brett Erickson. When I said we have a house full, I meant that there's a lot of people staying here.

That's what I thought. The crowd would burst into spontaneous. Erickson's an old radio guy. Yeah. And he's used to having someone go in the room. They've got to have a cue. Motioning with the hands up, make noise. Yeah, no, we don't want them talking at all.

But yeah, I mean, we have people staying in the rape trailer. It feels like the holidays. It is. Christmas party? Yeah. Full house? Company Christmas party. Nowhere to go.

The first thing I did, I just did my annual crazy flight at the end of the year to get diamond status on Delta. I only had to do a short one. How many miles did you have to get? I needed 15,000. Tucson, Boston, Honolulu, Salt Lake, and Atlanta as stops. And that was that.

And the first thing I did when I got back this morning was get on Expedia to see where else I can go, even though I don't need the miles it was fucking cold today yeah and it's just the beginning of winter and I don't yeah like I could take a cruise but it was very warm yesterday it was it's it's cloudy where do you snowbird from southern Arizona too I don't even know how that works isn't this where people go there's only three more miles southerner than here. But one day, I have a lot of shit on my list of things. You saw my list of

things to do in my retirement before I panic and start booking dates. And yeah, a lot of them, rehab. Like my own personal rehab. Quit smoking. Yeah yeah not from drugs and alcohol but things you need to be just lighting up on the alcohol right yeah and i need 30 days somewhere

well i i costa rica would be perfect except like i could exercise there i could boogie board and get a tan that's the only exercise i can really do with fucking hernias and stuff. As long as the earth's tides are doing most of the work, I can do that exercise. Well, that for me, that's exercise. When I get off a plane and I have to hump to a different terminal,

I feel like that's exercise. I get a backpack on man. That's good. It weighs at least 11 pounds. And I'm going to walk really fast on that walking escalator. So you still take it? You still take the escalator? Yeah.

You don't opt for, like, this carpet? But I walk really fast on it. I walk faster than all you motherfuckers. I had to walk slow today at the farmer's market so you could keep up, and I still had to ditch you. Well, that's just because we were actually interested in purchasing some of the items at the farmer's market instead of just making the fastest circle in the history of human circles.

Well, that's because you – To get your pulled pork and then beat it the fuck out of there. You've only been here for a month. I have been here for 10 years almost. So I go to the farmer's market and there's three booths before I see someone I don't want to talk to at 10.30 in the morning. So I grab a pulled pork sandwich

and beat feet back to the house. That's better than Derek when I asked him if he wanted to come to the farmer's market. He said I can't because I'll see three of my girlfriends down there. Oh my god. Did he say that? Did he say that? Girlfriends? Ex-girlfriends.

Oh, geez. Oh, Derek, he's here. I'm in the room. Sorry to make it awkward. So, yeah, Costa Rica would be good. By the way, there weren't even three women down at the farmer's market. Just to finish this part of the story. I hate to tell you, two of those were women.

Either Derek has a history with Margaret the Olive Lady, or Derek and John the Goat Cheese Guy have something they need to confess. That's all I'm saying. It's a small farmer's market. It's very small. It's legal here. So Costa Rica, I thought i thought yeah you could get be

active be in the sun read books which is and but to quit smoking part it's a buck 75 a pack for cigarettes and all you're going to want to do at night is drink so that was so i'm looking for suggestions on if you had to go somewhere i can can quit smoking if I don't have cigarettes. I thought you said it was expensive in Australia. Expensive. You have to have no access to cigarettes. You need a place that's perfectly boring. Your own island.

Yeah, I want to read, but I don't want to get fucking fat. Like the last time I quit smoking for a year the year mother died like oh seven or oh eight i i should remember don't worry she won't uh what's my point uh oh i got fat oh yeah i quit and i had no idea i got fat because i just in the winter when i take the winters off i just wear pajamas so i had no idea that i was getting fat because i don't have mirrors in my house for a reason and then when i had to go back on the road none of my pants fit i wore overalls to that gig in indianapolis i wore overalls i thought it was funny. The country version of your act would be fucking hilarious, by the way.

So I've thought, what if I like a Greyhound bus? Like just spend fucking a month on a Greyhound bus. Amtrak is always good. But there's no way to exercise. Like naturally. I'm never going to do squats and fucking leg lifts. But there's no activity. 50 squats in the aisle on the Amtrak car.

There's no activities to do on an Amtrak. But it would be a great place to quit smoking because no one's smoking around you. You don't have access. A fucking mountain cabin. But I don't know. An island in you know in fiji somewhere where there's no tobacco yeah or access to right but you can be active so yeah so tweet me that you have to run uphill to a place where there's no tobacco right what resort is below a place where there's no tobacco? Right. What resort is below a place

where there's no tobacco? That's the place you need to book your books. You didn't say it had to be a resort. I was thinking about locking him in my barn with a treadmill. Jet ski theory. I want a cigarette. Dangling the pack in front of him as he runs.

Jet ski theory. I've probably talked about it before. Jet ski theory? Yes. I spent two hours on a jet ski once up in Lake Powell. Never wanted a cigarette the whole time.

And I, like, when you cling with your, it's like a thigh master. As long as you're on a jet ski, you don't... But there's a theory there. If you're doing stuff that doesn't make you want to smoke, at no point when I was

zipping around, jumping over waves like an idiot, did I feel like I needed a cigarette. Or a drink or anything. Your hands were full. When I ride my motorcycle, I don't think I'm crazy. The whole time. That's clear jet ski theory right there. That's jet ski theory.

He's not kidding. I believed him. Don't worry. There's got to be someone you want to kill on the road, though. I guess that's just natural. Chad did say he had road rage on the way over here today. I have to... Hold on.

Cruise ship. Hang on. While you're exhaling your marijuana cigarettes, sir, a cruise ship I thought would be good because there's pools. There's no one you want to drink with. They're all old fucks, so you don't want to socialize.

They overprice their cocktails and don't let you smuggle them in. It's free. Cruise ships, everything's gratis. There's not all inclusive booze cruises. I'm sure there are, but generally a cruise

is probably a Stanhope clause in that. No, they don't. They're not going to let Louis Anderson have the buffet all the fucking night for free. If you go online, you see all the different ways people smuggle alcohol on a cruise ship. So, no. But I thought it was because you can't buy a bottle for your room. I thought it was to disinfect so you didn't get all sorts of horrible diseases.

Well, okay. Go ahead. The problem is if you go, this cruise ship sucks, you're still on a cruise ship. Yeah. If everything else sucks, you want to leave. We thought about it. Like, all right, they make all these stops. Like, I want to go to that Maho Beach.

Look it up. Maho Beach is a St. Martin, the Netherlands version. And they have the end of the runway is right where the beach is. So 747s are looking like they're going to hit your head. There's a YouTube clip of that, right? Oh, there's many YouTube clips. Like towels go flying out into the ocean, where they're landing in the jet wash.

Yeah, but unfortunately, fucking Delta, my airline of choice, and United, you can't get there from Tucson. You have to overnight at one of their hubs. There's no flight that will get you there the same day. It's the fucking Caribbean. It's not that far. As the crow flies, it's a five hour flight. On Delta,

it's 19 to 22 hours through Atlanta, JFK, then there. This is bullshit. I say it's bullshit. You can't get to the Caribbean in one flight from fucking Tucson. I feel like Doug's becoming unrelatable to the rest of us.

I don't think he's human anymore. You can't get there in a day? Outrageous. I have to stay in a day? Outrageous. I have to stay in a hotel that's being provided to me? And then what? A free breakfast? Fuck you. No, it's not provided to you.

You have to fucking go to JFK and then spend 16 hours there till the morning flight to fucking Maho Beach. Oh, New York, yeah. I'm with you there. You're talking about taking a Greyhound bus for a couple of weeks for fun. So what's the difference? Vacation and rehab are different, sir.

Oh, I got you. That's work. I understand. I understand the difference. Vacation. Yeah, you can rehab. That wasn't for fun. That's to quit smoking.

So yeah, if you have a good rehab idea of where to go to fucking get away, that's not stupid. There it is. The open to interpretation clause. Stay who stay in my grandmother's house. That's stupid. Yeah, that's what you're going to get.

But yeah, the big social obligation that I canceled this year in September. my brother called. He goes, hey, Super Bowl. I want to come out. And these are my days. So I'm starting to look up frequent flyer because I fly them out on my miles. And then this is September and I'm already starting to do bullshit.

And all the fares are expensive. And I'm like, not that it matters, but then I realized, Oh, the Superbowl is in Arizona. That's why that weekend is pricey to come out here. And I don't want to fucking deal with one party that takes five months of

planning. And I, I said to bingo, can we cancel Superbowl? And she goes, that's the best idea ever. Let's go somewhere where we can watch Super Bowl and let someone else host. So, yeah, there's no Super Bowl party this year.

Well, that's just great. Unless the Cardinals are in it. If somehow the Arizona Cardinals get in the Super Bowl, we could call an audible two weeks out. And that way, yeah, it's too late for every single year every single year since the first desert party at every single year since you moved here you have said erickson why don't you come to the super bowl party and i said someday i will and the year we plan to come to the fucking super bowl party oh we're gonna come out to Bisbee after we move out of Peoria.

We'll hang out there for the Super Bowl party. The date you coming out has been known for over a year as well. Yeah. Yeah. Well, generally. I mean, we all know how old my. The problem is, like, people will come out for the Super Bowl party. And some people, though, it's a bitch to get here.

So some people, you don't just come for a day. If you're coming from out of state, well, you come for four days before and then people leave the day after the Super Bowl party and other people get there the day before the Super Bowl and stay for four more days. So it turns into a nine-day party. You got here in November.

I know. That seems early, right? That seems early? Is that awkwardly early? Does that seem awkwardly? Well, the football season was, in my defense, going on when we arrived. Yes, true.

And we'll be around for playoffs. The current season in which said Super Bowl will be played. So that's another thing. I have to figure out where the fuck we're going. We don't even know what we're doing for Christmas yet. And that's what? 10 days away or something? I say sushi. You guys aren't, you're not a Christmas guy.

There's been a Christmas tree in your living room for the entire year. So either you're a super Christmas guy or you're just lazy. I love Christmas lights. And I do like Christmas. I like having a few people over.

But we don't know, do we do something on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? New Year's, fucking Joby's got hack oddity coming over from England. I fucking hate New Year's anyway. I'd prefer to be on a plane. I'd like to fly somewhere on Christmas Day, like Christmas Eve, red eye, and then get on a flight that was all Christmas, New Year's Eve, and just miss all that shit.

Just be on a plane where every asshole is out doing something they think is important. So I don't know. I get a lot of things to do in my retirement. I'm busier than I was when I wasn't writing new jokes So that's that What do you do for Christmas? You just beat the kids?

No, my kids are pretty much moved out We don't do much for In between Christmas and Thanksgiving We have a day that we get everybody together That way the kids can do stuff with their You know Girlfriends and Thanksgiving, we have a day that we get everybody together. That way the kids can do stuff with their girlfriends and wives, families and stuff on an actual Christmas. But we've never done shit. When the kids were little, it occurred to me that I had... They'd get out of school and run around like assholes for like a week and a half.

And I'd have a closet full of presents. And we'd wait until Christmas and then give it to them. And of presents and i'd wait until christmas and then give it to them and they'd play with them for like two days and then go back to school and i told jenny i was like fuck that the first day of after school like all the kids and i said remember you asked me about santa claus how you know he can do all of that in one night and they're like yeah and i said well you can't you guys he calls ahead and schedules appointments for people totally believable they bought it so i never ruined the image of it but i got to have christmas the day after they got out of school i'm like so you guys go to bed because santa

claus is coming santa claus has this company called amazon yeah. The nerdiest kid pushes up his glasses and checks the numbers. It calculates out to be right. If he did hit Arizona a week before, this would work out. I don't have any nerdy kids. I do. The Ericsons are going to be here.

I don't know if we've gone over the Ericsons story or not. Probably ad nauseum. We went a little bit into it when you weren't here and we've gone over the Erickson story or not. Probably ad nauseum. We went a little bit into it when you weren't here and we did a podcast. All right. So you guys are moving to L.A. You're going to do a recon this week. Go scope shit out.

Yeah, right when it's all falling into the ocean, we're going there. Good. It's the best time. Yeah, we can act like we're concerned and we're here to help. But we're not and we're here to help. But we're not, and we aren't. Comedy FEMA. So you'll be here for Christmas. I'll be back for Christmas.

We told you that we'd be here for Christmas. There's no place I'd rather celebrate Jesus' birthday than here in Bisbee, Arizona, at Doug Stanhope's house. I mean, it feels like Jesus' birthday. It's the reason for the season. That's what I was saying. He was born in this very room. Yeah, it feels like it. I mean, it doesn't seem like it's been

cleaned in 2,000 years. He was born in that bedroom where Nowhere Man blew his head off. Lightning crashes. Way to make it awkward, man. Blew his head off. Lightning crashes. Way to make it awkward, Doug. Yeah. I fucking... You got the notes.

I got my notes, but I couldn't find the goddamn receipt. To read them? No, at Tucson Airport. I go to do my crazy flight. I fly out of Tucson. The bar opens at six in the morning. I love of a seven o'clock flight i go to get my usa today to check my uh nfl lines and they do this thing where at the uh the newsstand where they go oh uh would you like to buy a toiletry for the troops?

What's the word? It's not a supplement. Sundry. A sundry item for the troops. No. No. And that's what I always say. But that morning I was especially hungover and so tired of them doing that every time.

I go, is it a cost? Are we doing this at cost? so tired of them doing that every time i go is it a cost are we doing this at cost or is it is it the uh you know 500 inflated price over retail value the like it's such a like it's not just a scam it's it makes you feel like a piece of shit for saying no first of all the fucking troop doesn't need prel that's you know or fucking yes i mean hopefully the troops have separate shampoo and conditioner you know i mean we are americans for god's sake hope that comes with my tax dollars i'm already paying for them with and i just stand and i know it was an old guy and i know he doesn't parodies is the name of the company i've found that but i don't have a phone oh wait i did do

have a phone number shit i've memorized it i found it on a credit card bill it's parodies p-a-r-a-d-i-e-s and they they they have the monopoly on most fucking newsstands you can fly through every airport in this country and you still see that same rolly dumb stuffed animal that barks when it goes by and they have it on the floor which should be such an osha concern like it's rolling under old people's feet it's not only is it fucking annoying on sale now it's the exact same sign for the last 20 years for neck pillows. On sale now. Two for 20. Really?

Now? And it's in every airport. But parodies, and they're out of Atlanta. Yeah. This is one of those call to actions. I just want every one of my fucking lonely, bitter fans that have nothing to do but prank calls. It's called the fucking newsstands. Well, they're out there, my friend.

They are out there. that have nothing to do but prank calls is call the fucking newsstands in the B gates of Tucson Airport and go, hey, stop milking the fucking troops for overpriced fucking bear aspirin and lint brushes. Shit you sell. They're just selling you stuff, guilting you, using the fucking troops

thing to make a sale. You're already selling shit at 300%. When I worked at the newspaper, I did that to sell subscriptions. I bought a whole bunch of little packages and said, if you buy a subscription to the newspaper, we'll send one of these to a truth in your name. What the fuck is

capitalism? Capitalism. Chad knows. I mean, you didn't send them to a truth at all. You cackled and threw them into the garbage after you cashed the check. But I mean, they didn't send them to a troop at all. You cackled and threw them into the garbage after you cashed the check. But, I mean, they don't know that. The guy in front of me fell for it, which is what pissed me off and made me snap and actually say something.

And the old guy said, it'll say, I support the troops on your receipt or something like, oh, really? That's good. Show your friends. Well, how different is that? They're doing that with, do you want to round up? You've seen this thing?

You want to round up your purchase to help MS? Yeah, but they do that at Goodwill. No, they do that at regular retail stores. Safeway, I've heard them ask me something like that. That's probably just that cashier running a Roundup scam. Wait, why do you need my credit? Why are you pulling out a square?

Safeway Roundup scam. Pocketing that 73 cents in her sleeve. We get that all the time at thrift stores because we go to thrift stores and I think it's Goodwill. One of them always asks if you... And if you're paying cash yeah i don't want fucking just round nine cents jingling around in my pocket yeah we're gonna empty the ashtray if you wait a moment keep the drawer open but yeah

you're not you're not using someone you're goodwill is not inflating the prices because they have a stranglehold over you in an airport. You know, people are going to need shit so we can charge you whatever the fuck we want. And then on top of that, guilting you. Oh, by the way, this is Becky. She's dying of cancer. She hasn't brushed her teeth in a week. Thanks to you, Dick.

Did you want to buy her some Rolaids? The chemo gives her acid reflux something horrific. I came in for a sewing kit. Jesus. I took some. And again, I can't thank all of you people enough because I don't remember the shit 10 minutes after. All you people who send us stuff to the house, weird shit that you send us.

I love it and I love you for it. Someone sent me a stack of a dozen modern drunkard magazines. Now, I don't know if that's still in print. I think the website is still up, but I don't know. I haven't seen the actual magazine. And all the ones they sent me were dated no later than 2006 but it's a great magazine if you're a drunk it's all about being a drunk yeah it's a great mag you had me at it's a great magazine it's uh like the one i was reading had all these uh not a bibliography but just explaining all sorts of drunkard words like cocktail.

But it's a whole list of the etymology of where cocktail came from. Pie-eyed. Pie-eyed wasn't a real one. But yeah, the roots of all these. Right. It's drunkard.com Yeah Is where you can get it Modern Drunkard also goes there And they still have subscriptions

It's $26.99 on sale right now Oh nice You round up That's a great Christmas present That's only Two and a half fifths Of pop off vodka And you get

What is it Six booze packed issues For the year, what is it, six booze-packed issues for the year. Not actually booze-packed. It's a lot of fun. And they send a postcard to a troop with your name on it. Someone's getting drunk

for you, Lieutenant Colonel Samuel Johnson. Troy Baxley was a contributor for a while. I haven't. Yeah. That's how I got introduced. That that's been,

that magazine has been around for quite some time. Yeah. It was, it was kind of like the onion of Denver. And then I actually saw one in Bisbee before I moved here at the stock exchange. I'm like, wow,

this is everywhere. I thought it was just Denver, but they had a circulation. So I took the magazine on this last crazy flight to get my last mileage. I took the stack of modern drunkards and I was just insinuating them into the seat back pockets and into newsstands. I had to go through Salt Lake twice coming between Boston and Honolulu once in and once out.

So I put one in there to see if it would still be there. I covered up some shitty magazine with Tom Cruise one in there to see if it would still be there i covered up some shitty magazine with tom cruise on the cover or something to see if it would still be there when i got back and it wasn't even still there when i came out of the sky club 10 minutes later i think i was so drunk i wasn't very subtle like i was dressed in a fucking all lemon suit yellow head to toe yellow yellow jacket yellow pants yellow shirt white shoes white tie so it was hard for me to be you know casual hey what's colonel mustard doing over there the backs of the seas well then i went and i i just went into a newsstand and then walked up to a rack like i took a magazine and I walked over and I bought a bottled water

and a modern drunkard magazine one of your modern drunkard magazines and she kept scanning it and it wouldn't work and she kept scanning it and it wouldn't work and then she actually had to go and type the number into the thing and it worked

so I paid $4.50 for a modern drunkard magazine and it came up on the receipt yeah and it came up on the receipt And it worked. Oh, shit. So I paid $4.50 for a modern drunkard magazine. And it came up on the receipt. Yeah, and it came up on the receipt. So then as I'm leaving, I go, you know you don't really sell this magazine, right? She goes, what? I go, it's just a joke. And I started it.

And she goes, wait, wait, wait. I'm going to get in trouble, sir, sir. Bring that receipt back here, sir. I need that receipt. I go, no, no. And I go, OK, I'll give you the receipt back here sir i need that receipt i go no no and i go okay i'll give you the receipt back but not till i take a picture so i gotta i got a good picture with my modern drunkard magazine we used to do that to like 99 cent stores and shit just go in i think we did that as a goof for the man show you did uh the the garage sale didn't yeah just going to garage sales and then buying shit that they weren't selling dildos a nambla t-shirt fucking hunk of meat i think we just

talked about this on a podcast no no maybe unless you did it i can never fucking remember if we just the man show the podcast and your dreams have all just blurred together. It's all right. I'm in retirement. That's why I'm retired. Why is that a problem for her? That's 100% profit. Well, it's a girl that works there. But that $450, they pay nothing for that magazine that you inserted and then you took out. She just should hit delete and pocket $450. Well, she doesn't know.

She's 19 years old. It's her first job, and she's terrified of doing the wrong thing. It's the same reason Ashley wouldn't give me a fucking breakfast sandwich. Erickson. In Peoria, Illinois? Erickson was there for one of the hardest I ever snapped.

That was when we were going through. It was a tour, right? Yeah. But everyone knows my long-term beef with the subway sandwich places that don't serve sandwiches after 11 and that was a fucking hard night that was this first night of the tour or second night and we were up till 4 30 in the morning we went to a bar where you knew a girl that worked there. And she's like, hey, you want to do some coke in the bathroom?

And I said, no, but Doug does. Yeah, no, she said it to me. She said it to me. And as we're going there, a cop walks in that she walks past. And he's like, hey, how you doing? She goes, oh, oh hi how's it going hang on i'll be right back and i'm like we're still going to the ladies room to do cocaine while your cop friend in uniform on duty she's like yeah yeah he's cool so it's a late night

yeah it was one of those nights next morning there's a subway across the street and i go in and i order a breakfast sandwich and i'm sorry sir it's after 11 and i just fucking i just went into my usual but why like why does that matter it's right and and at one point i like it got heated quick and i i said like it's like going to Sears and they don't sell socks between two and five for no particular reason. And I would go through all the other items. Okay, the bacon. What time can I get bacon? Okay, what time can I get tuna fish?

And I just kept going through. Well, okay, so the one single item that I cannot get of all these items that you have right there for some reason is an egg. And she's and I know she fucked up in her vocabulary but instead of instead of saying

that it's against the rules she said it's illegal. And I went out of my fucking mind. I'm going it's illegal and i went out of my fucking mind i'm going it's illegal so we should call a call and bingo is mortified right you would come in at no listen well listen to that all that happened while you and bingo were just by yourselves because we were all meeting this happened in downtown peoria like the subway that's in downtown peoria and we all i got the fucking number in my phone we met at the hotel two years ago i numbers into my phone

we all meet because we we lived there at the time so we come from our house and we meet you there and uh stopka was there jeff tate was there because that tour was just starting and we all meet at the hotel and you and bingo are off by yourselves at the subway and you come back just bouncing and and like fuming and bingo's like i don at the subway and you come back just bouncing and and like fuming and bingo's like what the fuck just happened and then we heard because none of us were it was just you and bingo actually in the store yeah we're waiting in the car all right i didn't know if other people showed up bingo is like pulling me out of there you're embarrassing me this she was like just ashley right ashley was her name i still have the number of my phone i'm

not going to give it out so you just she doesn't work there anymore but I will still call that subway branch when I go to a subway where most of them will give you the fucking sandwich after 11 now and I'll call yeah hey I'm at subway I'm in Columbus Ohio eating a breakfast

for the next three for the next three weeks every day Ashley got a call from Doug. Here I am. Here's a picture of me at the subway. Flying Jake truck stop. Guess what? Breakfast all fucking day.

Click. Have you ever had someone that you convinced to give you an egg that started off and you gave them the logic and they were like, ah, fuck, that makes sense. Let me give you a fucking egg. Never by logic, but I have bought my way into it. Really? I'll give you $10 for a breakfast sandwich right now. And I... Like if he needs it that bad.

It was never logical. He still has to ring it in at regular price. Right. He just got a big tip. Four bucks? Yeah. That's the problem is they don't have a button that works. They have the buttons. For egg addict?

So it's a software upgrade problem. I think that's the problem. There's got to be something. This is the way you scam it. You just find something that's similar on a menu price. You just bought three meatball marineras. With extra cheese. Thank you.

I mean, no cheese. No cheese. Right. Then you've got to throw the meatball marinera into the garbage can because the inventory has to match the receipt. They count meatballs. That's a rookie move right there. They count meatballs, man.

Cincinnati. Cincinnati. I like this guy. Cover your tracks. Always cover your tracks. Why are you throwing three meatball sandwiches in the garbage? Shut up. Stanhope was just here.

Well after 11. Oh, wait. Chaley and I. We got a couple more. Chaley and I, we did that Vegas show. And in Vegas, at the Plaza Hotel, it's beside the bus station. So they have a McDonald's, food court. Fremont Street, old school.

The good Vegas. So they have a subway as part of the Plaza food court for the vagrant greyhound people, and they won't sell you a fucking sandwich after 11 in Vegas. 11 a.m. 11 a.m. You can gamble cocktails, but no fucking shitty. Penny slots and a blowjob, fine, but not an egg sandwich. So I got Chaley and who was it?

You? Who was it? Where I bought a bunch of different sandwiches. Oh, yeah. No, no. You went down there by yourself. I did it the first time. I did it by myself where I ordered.

I need a foot long tuna with this and that and that and this and two. Okay. And they get that. And okay, I'm going to need a meatball sub, 12-inch on this kind of thing and that and this. And then just a six-inch ham, egg, and cheese. Oh, we don't serve that after 11. I go, oh, never mind then.

After they've already made up the other two. 11, I go, oh, never mind then. After they've already made up the other two. So they're making Chaley and someone else, Andy, probably. Didn't I get you guys to do it as well? Something crapped out on that. I think they made it for us.

That's legitimately the best way to make them change their policy. You always talked about the Occupy movement, about how you had no actual plan to fuck with the banks. You're actually fucking with Subway. If enough people did that, if they took enough of a bath on people who ordered lunch sandwiches before they ordered their final breakfast sandwich, they would be like, you know what, just give them their goddamn breakfast sandwiches whenever they want them, and you would affect change. All right, there you go.

That's a Doug Stanhope podcast call to action. Right, there you go. That's a Doug Stanhope podcast call to action. Go out and order as many sandwiches as you can watch them make up and ruin, and then order. They even have a three-inch breakfast sandwich. Sometimes. Order that. Sometimes.

Not all the time. They're getting pretty consistent. You've had an argument with someone who is struggling with the English language to try and figure out, like, wait a minute, just cut the six inch in half. We don't do that. But just, they do it other places. Why don't you do it here? Just cut it in half.

I'll pay for the six inch. I just want the three. I don't want to waste food. I can't get a piece of toast at breakfast. I'll go just one piece of toast and one scrambled egg. That's usually what I can swallow in the morning to just get me going. And they'll, I go,

they'll give me two eggs and two pieces of toast. Your life is like that one scene from five easy pieces when Nicholson couldn't get the fucking chicken. Hold it between your legs. And Cincinnati, Cincinnati, I did this whole fucking Subway sandwich breakfast thing and I wouldn't do it.

And so I went down and I went through the whole, pointing out all the, every single, what time do you serve that? What time do you serve? What about tomatoes? What's the, so I went through all that and I just left and I went down to one of those like Brunner's bagels places that still had egg sandwiches. and I said, I just want the egg. I went back and I

ordered the breakfast sandwich. They wouldn't sell me just everything else. I paid for it and then I opened it up in front of them and I took the fried egg and just slapped it as hard as I could and slapped the top.

I said, thank you very much. You guys, listeners, please do better things with your time. I just, I don't know why some things just make me so fucking angry. No, it just occurred to me. It's kind of the opposite. Comics are always talking about something on stage that happened to them in real life. But in real life, it didn't happen to them. They thought it in real life.

But then they took it to the stage and they act like it happened. Oh, well, I was at Subway today. And they said I couldn't have an egg. And I said, fuck you. Well, what time's the bacon night? Blah, blah, blah. But they never actually did that. You already

feel guilty about talking about this too much on the podcast. You don't want to take it to the stage. You're the opposite of that. You actually do the comedy routine. If you want to hear the Doug Stanhope subway routine, you have to go with him

to a subway where he performs that routine sometimes it's better than others sometimes you're into it sometimes you're a little drunk but a bit that's legitimate like that's legitimately it's not a hacky comic it's like well i was in alabama it's not a hypothetical this would be funny if it's an everyday fucking occurrence. That's what you can always tell when they thought about it but never did it is because in their act, it always happened today. Right. Yeah.

And that kills me when they do it on fucking. Remember we were just watching? Do you remember what it was? Actually, I don't remember which comedian it was. I can tell you exactly what it was actually I don't remember which comedian it was it doesn't matter the point is he a fucking guy that we respect on a fucking special on a Netflix special

yeah today really on the way here on the way here really that just happened on the way here you're recording this for Netflix tonight but you're doing a 10 minute bit on something that happened to you On the way here. Like, really? That just happened on the way here. You're recording this for Netflix tonight. But you're doing a 10-minute bit on something that happened to you on the way here. For a year or two years, you've been working on this set.

He dumped that bit for this bit he just wrote tonight because something crazy happened to him on the plane here. That was a hint. I haven't watched that one yet but you guys are pretty clear you know what we watched three specials that night and they're all good that was just one

but I was amazed at how fucking Louis Black still brought the shit he was the best one yeah he was the best one Louis he kind of drifts off your radar sometimes. And we watched that. And I rarely watch comedy, but we watched one.

And then we're like, fuck it. Let's watch a few more. And his brain is so turned on into the moment of the show he's doing while he's doing it. If you watch, if you do comedy and watch watch comedy you can tell when somebody's locked in like and that's his whole thing to be while he's doing it but that's what he's doing it he's legitimately it was fucking frontal lobe at that point you know fucking awesome yeah it was inspiring yeah yeah other ones you you tend to pick apart yeah Yeah. Yeah, the golden goose, you try to find the flaw. The best part is when you're, like, picking them apart,

but you're sitting fucking high and drunk on a couch in Bisbee. Like, this is, yeah, I could do way better than this. But generally, I was still, like, liking it. I was talking about me. You have a career. I'm always worried about someone stepping on my dick. So, oh, geez. Oh, don't go in that direction.

Oh, good. Okay. My bit's safe. Yeah. There was a couple times where you edged closer to the TV. Like, oh, nice. Yeah. I did think of that.

Oh, fuck. If he steps, if he goes in this direction with this topic. That's 20 minutes I got to cut. Yeah. I did think of that. Oh, fuck. If he steps, if he goes in this direction with this topic. That's 20 minutes I got to cut. Yeah. My bits are long. So if you step on a little bit of my dick, I have fucking, what's his name? John Oliver. That prison bit he did just walked all over a year's worth of fucking work.

And it's not like he stole it from me, but he and like the part that mattered the most is where he stepped the hardest on the fucking purple end of my dick. And I'm like, yeah, I could I could use the rest of it. But that was that is that little piece. And I even I even tried to do it for a couple of weeks afterwards, acknowledging that if you saw... And no one fucking knows. No one even knows, first of all. One out of fucking a thousand people at my shows

would know that bit or remember it, but I know. You feel too guilty not to mention it, so you have to mention it, and then it becomes a real clunky part of the whole bit, which clunks all the fuck up, and you can't do it anymore. Yeah, it's just in your head. And it was a part about prison rape. Rape jokes are not funny, but prison rape jokes are fine.

And his examples, because he has video and a crew, he found all these examples of joking and even in animated cartoons about prison rape. Oh, you shouldn't drop this soap. And I'm like, all right, that beats my fucking... But then he cut to stories of guys who were in prison unjustly for nonviolent drug offenses, right? Isn't that how he drove that home joke, or that home joke, that joke home, where he said the reason prison rape...

It's always funny to make fun of prison rape because, fuck them, they're just prisoners. But there are people in prison who don't deserve to be in prison. Right. That was, yeah. That was my bit. I don't even remember him stepping on that part of my bit. Oh, no, I thought that's what it was. Here's Erickson twisting the knife over here.

the knife over here that was how my bit ended was you know we have 600 000 non-violent drug offenders that are you know deserve no harsher sentence than a high five so here's i started out with whether rape jokes are funny so this is my theory is rape jokes if your kid's jogging across campus and someone jumps out of the bushes and fucks her inside out and rapes her, that's not funny unless she was holding weed. If she had weed on her, then it's funny by your rules. And the retiring of a joke. Yeah, fuck it. I'm sorry. You know what?

More people listen to John Oliver than this podcast. I'm sorry I made talking about a clunky joke clunkier. He's the British guy that was – he was on the Daily Show. Bespeckled. Bespeckled British guy that was – he did the commentary on the Daily Show, a correspondent, and then now he has his own HBO show. I'm sorry. Erickson talked over you guys discussing what was pertinent to correct me that I should have said be spectacled. Wait a minute.

Do you think that it's pertinent to explain to people who John Oliver is? Only Chad doesn't know who that is. That's probably true. I'm pretty isolated. No. Yes. Yes, I should have said bepectacled thank you that's easy oh that helps me remember who it was too see the bespectacled gentleman now i know what you're

talking about nigger please i'll start a riot because i got omega-3s up in my diet. That was a lyric that I, in the morning when I'm just goofing off with Bingo and I'll just start rapping about dumb things just to annoy her. Hold on a second. It's more than that. In the morning, Bingo and I try to, we're on the road. We try to stay the fuck out of your way. And we hope someone knocks on the door by accident or someone – like it has to be someone else. It can't be us that gets the ire of Mr. Stanhope in the morning.

To incur the initial wrath. It's a release valve. It's like this pressure that's building. It's like this brass tank that's like almost – you can almost see through it it it's it's gonna go just don't be the person that touches it so sometimes he'll call the desk and that's that i think i'm aware of it and i try to like an 800 number of a commercial that bothers me that's all full of shit and i'll go yell at them i'm talking about home doug retired doug where i goofy, it's just me and bingo and I'm goofing off

and I'm running around with my fucking pants hiked up my ass and farting and singing dumb songs to Amy Bingo Bingaman. You mean Jeff Dunham's act? He's fucking, he sings bingo songs? I thought that would be funny.

Randomly. I picture it as a guy with pants jammed up his ass running around singing songs. At some point, I'm eating, taking some fish oils. I'm retired at that point, so I'm drinking water in the morning and eating some fish oils and a vegetable fruit smoothie. And I was taking some fish oils, and so i'm rapping at bingo and uh and i said nigga please i'll start a riot because i got omega-3s in my diet and that was just one that stood out and i thought was exceptionally funny uh and someone randomly tweeted or emailed something about hey i'll pay you 1010 for a lyric for my new album.

And that was the first one that came to mind. And I go, okay. And I said, nigger, please, I'll start a riot. And with my address. And he sent me a check for $10. So you're a published writer? I am a paid songwriter. I'm a professional.

And I do this to her all the time. I have that one Fun with Pedophiles book out. So I get like 200 bucks a quarter for royalties. And so I... Because Bingo, she has an album that she has, hasn't put out. She has a book. Her diary's from when she was in the mental institution.

She's in the final rewrite on that. For the 10 years. Yes. i think it's one of those things where she's terrified to finish because then she doesn't think she has a project i think she likes always having this project she's about to finish but the point is i just rub it in her face i'm a i'm a professional songwriter. I'm a paid author. I'm a professional author. I'm a revered orator. I'm a TV star because I've been on television. And the last one, I'm a movie star now because I did the Chris Rock movie, Top 5. now because I did the Chris Rock movie top five.

And so that's been added to the list for the last month since I filmed it, that I'm a big-time movie star now. And I got cut. They have like 85 comics in the thing. I'm the only comic that's on the cutting room floor. So, yeah. Once again, you have something prestigious on your resume. I'm one of only 85. Actually, Chris Rock was asked by Mark Maron.

Actually, Mark Maron asked Chris Rock, is there anything that happened that you got cut from the movie that you wish stayed in? He didn't even ask. Chris Rock brought it up on his own. I thought that's what Marin said. Maybe. Maybe you're right. I thought he was just talking about all the comedians.

But he brought it up and Chris Rock goes, man, the one thing is Stan Hope, man. And it made me mad. I hated it. Because I really wanted Stan Hope in the movie. But doesn't he have total control over the cuts? No, he said this scene just didn't work.

Didn't work. It didn't jive. And I just don't want to let him off the hook that easy. I heard Chris Rock on Howard Stern a while back, and he was naming off a bunch of comedians, and I didn't hear you. So I guess that's why. Yeah.

So now I had to fucking eat crow. That's so awesome. I'm thinking Chad's going to like blow smoke up. Five, six minutes of just name. Yeah. By the way, I don't even know your name. What's your name? Doug's listening.

He's like, wait a minute. Some of those guys are middles. So many of them. Even Chaley was listening to it. It was one of those where i felt really bad because someone said tweeted hey it was really cool what uh chris rock said about you on the mark mara podcast and then you go now i'm gonna have to fast forward through this just to hear my name i'm such a douche i don't have time to sit through a whole fucking podcast. If you're going to tweet it, tweet the minute and seconds. So if you have a movie I can just appear in as an extra

so I can just rub in Bingo's face that I'm a movie star. Yeah, now it's a rush to get on screen. Will you do an independent film? No, no. I did The Aristocrats. I can't count that. Listen, Louis C.K., you did The Louis film? No, no. I did The Aristocrats. I can't count that. Listen, Louis C.K., you did The Louis C.K. Show. Yeah, that's why I'm a giant.

It's not long before Louis got a movie project working. I mean, come on. Right? I mean, he's done so well with that TV show. He's got to have somebody giving him movie money. You could worm your way into something. He doesn't return my calls. No one returns my calls.

I don't call anyone, actually. You don't answer the fucking phone. Yeah, that's true, too. Even when I call. I fucking called you today for sushi. I didn't answer the phone. I don't answer when you called either. You were in the car behind us.

I know. I stopped myself from waving out the window like, pick up the phone. You're retired. It's not your calling to say there's a gig. Yeah, it's not important. Not crucial. There's not merch for sale at this sushi restaurant. But I did do.

And it's my favorite show to hate to the point where I just stopped apologizing for watching it and I get home and that's the first thing I want to watch on my DVR and to hate it Bar Rescue I did a on the BBC I do this Voice of America thing every so

often and one of the rants I was on was about reality TV shows and how most of them you only watch it because one guy on there is a dick. You wouldn't watch people welding motorcycles unless someone's going to fucking yell at someone else and be a wicked asshole. Would you go to a pawn shop in person to watch pawns happen? What would they do? Would you go there live. If you wouldn't watch it live, you shouldn't watch

the TV show. And in it, I said the biggest dick in American reality is John Taffer from Bar Rescue because he's not even a dick. He's not even a natural. He's just copying other dicks and he knows he has to be a dick. So he's just yelling at them he yells at you

when he's doing the you know off-camera stuff and these people don't get their shit together i'm gonna set the place don't scream right into the camera i'm a guy on a couch so i evidently he saw that and uh thought it was hilarious and asked me to be on the show to do Bar Recon. I'm like, this is a fucking dream come true. I trashed Dr. Drew for at least 11 minutes on a Showtime special. Next thing I know, he wants me on his podcast. I trashed John Taffer on the BBC. He wants me on the show. I got to trash a Judd Apatow movie or something.

You should make fun of the State of the Union address. I'm Barack Obama and I would like to introduce to you Doug Stanhope with a few words. It's all about Subway breakfast. He tears you down, but it's so funny. So yeah, that'll come out, I guess, in February.

I don't know how much I can talk about it. Did you get to meet Jon Taffer? Yeah, I get to sit in the Suburban. So you were the guy that went in ahead of time. Well, that's what I... He left his big-tittied wife in the car. Wait, you're thinking of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Oh, I don't remember.

Hey, Chad, they're not all the same guy, dude. It's not just one guy. Wait, it's the same channel. It's one guy doing it. not all the same guy It's not just one guy It's the same channel It's just one couple Doing all of the reality shows They're super busy They do 30 minutes of dog They go to bar rescue

They're doing kitchen nightmares Good eats And it kills me to say this I wanted it to be way more fake than it was it was like it was so not as set up as i thought it was gonna be and i thought maybe i'll go do this and then write a story for like vice.com about like all the bullshit shenanigans and how it's set up i walked in there it it should have been more set up than it was. Because I walked in there and they're in this bar and they're looking around.

It's got this kind of theme. Let's brainstorm. What could we do with it? What could it be? It could be this kind of thing. I don't want to give away details because I probably signed like 8,000 pages of non-disclosure forms. But it felt like on the fly, right? Yeah, you should have at least had fucking producers come in ahead of time with a couple of ideas. But it felt like on the fly, right? Yeah, you should have at least had fucking producers

come in ahead of time with a couple of ideas. Prep the crew and the regulars. Have you figured it out already? Yeah. You have four days to do this, and you're just going to sit down. We could turn it into a Long John Silvers, I guess. That'll make money.

Winch's Donuts. Everybody likes Burger King. But yeah, I was supposed to do Recon, so I show up and I... Recon is where before the show... If you don't know the show, fucking just watch the show. I'm not going to explain it to you. Yeah, they send in people ahead of time.

Go ahead. Recon is where they send someone undercover and they're completely mic'd and there's cameras that's been set up all over the bar. They're vaguely undercover because they let a few of the regulars in. The bar was closed. They always have the mixologist and the expert chef. So they sent those guys in as recon, and I sat in the Suburban with him watching it,

which you're really watching it on a screen in a Suburban. I thought that was all probably wireless cameras are set up in advance in strategic angles all over. Yeah, but they're not only that, they still have two cameramen, at least with giant hulking fucking things and

and like six regulars and then, oh, two guys we don't know come in and complain a lot for two hours. They had the recon guys where we're sitting in the thing watching them and then, oh, two guys we don't know come in and complain. A lot. For two hours, they had the recon guys while we're sitting in the thing watching them, and he's like, tell them to do this, trying to get a reaction out of this.

So they're wired. They can hear from the production booth. Yeah, they get earpieces. So, yeah, they're telling them how to, they want this guy to snap, and he won't snap. The owner, right? The owner was, he's snapping alone in the kitchen like, fuck this. But when they bring him out, address him directly, and the guy just goes, I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry. I apologize. So he's doing the right thing? Yeah, exactly. What happens in every restaurant and bar in America every single night? That's terrible. We can't have this. Send Stanhope in there.

He'll fuck this shit up. After two hours, that's exactly what he did. Meanwhile, I'm getting hammered. I have fucking my mini bottles everywhere. Order a breakfast sandwich. What time is the bacon available, sir? Jesus.

They serve breakfast at that place, too. I can't believe I didn't think of that. Oh, that's great. Oh, he would have gone right into snap mode. Yeah. Because it doesn't matter where he's at. If it's breakfast is in the sentence or the thing that he's thinking of, it turns into Ashley. It just becomes that right away.

That's your trigger word. Like a safe word? The opposite of that. Doug has the opposite of a safe word. So they sent me in after two hours. They couldn't get a reaction. Send me in and I'll try to... Yeah, I couldn't get them to snap either.

And they did actually serve me fucking raw chicken wings. Like blood red. I didn't know chicken could get that red inside. I actually spit it out and wanted to say, I'm not just doing this for TV. But it's fucking disgusting. They call other people like an expert mixologist and then the shit. What did they have like you captioned as?

I told them. Expert drunk and a professional bitcher. Professional asshole. Retired. Retired. They cut to an interview with Ashley and she's like flop sweating. Like, I know what this guy. He's difficult.

They're showing Doug's Yelp reviews. Yeah, we'll get to that I'm gonna we're gonna break to take a piss and uh we're almost at where we could do part two well oh shit yeah now let's just fucking blow through it well we're gonna pause quickly I do want to mention a few things uh Bill Burr he's's doing the Australia-New Zealand tour as well. So if you were there, go to BillBurr.com and get tickets. And they're building a new studio for, what's the fucking name of this? All Things Comedy. All Things Comedy.

All Things Comedy. The comedy network we're on. Yeah, the comedy network we're on. Yeah. The comedy network we're on. All right. They're building a studio. That was great. Good manager.

I don't even have a fucking link. So find, yeah, donate to that. AllThingsComedy.com. Yeah. Go to AllThingsComedy.com and they have some Kickstarter to build a new studio that I'll never be in. But still, Chuck's, they have way better pod. He's a, you'd rather hear Bill Burr in a nice studio

than me in a fucking... He only does one a week. In Australia, they're going to love Bill Burr's hilarious American football jokes. Those are going to crush. Well, his new special on Netflix. Oh, yeah. We watched that special. That was good.

But one other thing I want to get in. The libertarian folk up in Manchester, New Hampshire, who we had such a fun time partying with, they sent me a jug of pop-off vodka in the mail with a

golden ticket on parchment that was my itinerary to fly out to some function. I told him there's no way I'm going to go to. And they already like, they bought a ticket for me, a refundable. I'm assuming it's refundable. Uh,

uh, Willy Wonka. Yeah. It was, it was very, that was very nice of you. And I love your tenacity. There's no fucking way I'm going to be in New Hampshire in the first week of March.

Yeah, I'm not going to show up. There's no way. All right, let's take a quick break. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, brought to you by Miners & Mer and merchants, Bisbee, Arizona. Get your antique stuff while you're in town. Stalking Doug, just put it in your van and take it home.

And that was our feeble house boy, Reverend Derek. Now back to the podcast already failing. Well, we're, we're back from a tinkling dog wrangling. Not in that order. There's some construction going on at the house,

so the dogs have found a way to get down to this house. And there's been a few scraps between Brett Erickson's dog and Henry Phillips, our dog. That's not Brett Erickson's dog. No, it's not. Well, I have that dog. You're responsible for that dog. it's just not my dog i'm like dick geron for the chicago bears he used to have a radio show famously he said about his radio show well i'm on that show but it's not my show

and the exact same analogy applies to this dog it's's Kerry Mitchell's dog. I just have that dog too. You're the caretaker. And our dog took it in the ass from Henry Phillips. Twice. Also, the dog Henry Phillips has really been mean to our dog. Yeah, that's... Ichabod is the one that looks like he's gonna be a problem he's the one that barks and gets right in your face and looks like he's gonna attack and henry phillips does nothing

but wag her tail yeah and then three hours later she's eating your dog carrie mitchell says that henry phillips is the omar from the wire version of dogs like he's just like oh cool and everything's fine and then all of a sudden, he's whistling. If I could whistle, I'd whistle Farmer in the Dell right now. Omar coming, y'all. And then pounce. Spoiler alert, Omar's a badass. You can watch The Wire.

The cancelled Wire. The cancelled Wire? That's how you refer to it? It's still not on. It's not cancelled. It's just done. It ended. There's no more prisons? It's still not on. It's not canceled. It's just done. It ended. Oh, there's no more prisons? They just put it on Amazon. That's not what The Wire's about.

They just put it on Amazon. I never saw anything from The Wire. Is that the one where the guy sings all the busts? You're thinking of Frozen, the movie from Disney. It's Christmas season. I think Boss or The Boss. Boss is the one I'm about to start.

Again, one of my things in my retirement is watch all the Netflix and never leave the couch. people told me about this because Charlie Brooker, the guy I do the news wipe things for in the BBC in the UK, he wrote this. The Black Mirror.

Everyone told me about it. I never got around to it. I found out it's on Netflix and watched in the first six minutes of the first episode. You're going, holy fuck. I am going to be up all night watching every episode. You think you're getting punked. This isn't really a comedy. Yeah, like Monty Python.

I'm intrigued already. I haven't told you about this? No. Stop, stop, stop. Just let them go into it organically like we did. It's all really dark. None of them live up to what you think

is going to be comedy in the first one. But they live up. And they're all different. It's like the Twilight Zone where it's every episode on Netflix. We can do a bonus podcast and not

subject people unless they actually look for it. Just talking about those episodes. Because and I talked about the first three, three or four. Yeah. You were in the middle of the third after I'd finished. The first episode, just the whole time without giving anything away at all. The whole time they act like it's going – like at any point they could make it a comedy. They just keep not. Not.

So far. At any point they could make it a comedy. They just keep not. And at every point all the way through, you're like, when are you going to release the pressure on this fucking thing that's happening? When the credits roll. It just keeps happening. If you can watch the first episode and not sit... There's two seasons,

which is three episodes each. The BBC does it right. There's only six episodes. I think there's a new one coming out three episodes each. The BBC does it right. They don't change. So there's only six episodes. I think there's a new one coming out. So I'll be done tonight. Yeah. Oh, easily.

Well, unless you have to shower in between them. You can watch them all during a commercial. Do I look like I've showered in the last week? Listen, Chad, I've watched these things, and I'm like, Tracy, my girlfriend, I'm uncomfortable. I'm searching my soul for some of these things. Would you do this? Honestly, Doug, you and I, you hate talking on the phone.

We had a 15-minute conversation, the longest in our history, based on that first fucking show. I've even brought people that stopped by the house and went, hang on, watch the first episode, knowing they'd go home and watch the other five. You know what I loved? It's like you and I both had like, oh, this is the best line of the scene.

And it was like, no, this is. And I agreed with you, but would fight for my line. It's like that good. That's the first episode. All right. It's called black mirror it's one of those things where you go i don't i don't know that i could ever be that creative on my list of things to do in my retirement write a book you know i i couldn't come up with that i have an idea

for a screenplay that i've all i have is the premise and not even a plot and I've been doodling with it in my head for six months and I just crank out this fucking it's insane have you watched it the first one you haven't watched all six you know even the other ones that follow listen start with the fucking home run

because the other ones if you just watch that and didn't watch the first one you'd be like that's fucking pretty good. But every one has something. The third one, like the relationship shit that you've been through. And then it turns into like horror with the white bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

White bear. You just jumped into season two? Oh, you haven't seen all of it? No, motherfucker. Well, it's the name of the episode. Stop. That's the name of the episode. Stop. That's the name of the episode. That's the most intriguing thing so far is that nothing you guys have said has been a spoiler or even an inkling as to what the fuck this is about.

Listen, not only that. There's not, you know. You'll thank us later. Not only that, but. I'm in. I'm on board. White Bear is my rap name. So that's also an interesting fact.

I thought it was Poncho Skinflap. He's a gay white rapper. Also Big Onesie. I rapped under Big Onesie for a while. That's when you were Chicago. Now you're West Coast. I was Chicago Big Onesie. Where's your $10 check for rap lyrics?

I'd like to see it. I don't have one of those. I'm open mic. I'm open mic big one. Well, that might be your rap name, but your Twitter handle is at Brett Erickson, E-R-I-C-K-S-O-N 68. Brett Erickson 68. And, of course, Chad Shank, the golden voice, at HD Fatty.

Fatty with a Y. And Greg Chaley is Greg Chaley. C-H-A-I-L-L-E. You should have something fucking, like, cute. Like 68 at the end. That's hilarious. One, two, three, Apple. Oh, like it's almost 69.

I'll owe you one. Thanks for finally getting that, dude. My best tour manager To the losers And the dead And the retired Wow, Chaley I don't update My website often

As you can tell if you go there Because I don't think people go to websites Anymore so I'm not motivated Everyone's Twitter And Facebook go there because i don't think people go to websites anymore so i'm not motivated everyone's twitter and facebook but i i will update that but i've been doing a lot of yelp reviews for fun and goofy ones and but then just about the road through yelp reviews and i've noticed two if anyone knows how fucking yelp works two of mine have been taken down and one of them was a five star review of the sheraton four points at the tucson airport local it's my like my second

like i have my if i my bar my regular bar where i'm a regular is at the b gates at tucson airport the second most regular bar is the Tucson Airport Hotel Bar. And they fucking took that one down. On what grounds? And they took down the one from the fucking whatever cantina on Sunset. I wrote a fucking hilarious one. It's behind. It's where Johnny Depp's house, where we stayed. And this is the whole thing about going to that.

It's not Charlie's Cantina. It's the Something Cantina on Sunset Boulevard. Maybe this is why they took the Yelp review down. Well, I don't remember the name of the place. It was very funny about going in there. Because we were at Johnny Depp's house as guests of Johnny Depp, who we're friends with. You had just done the comedy store and you were like in the area.

Yeah, we were staying there. So we went in and no one seemed to notice our loud conversations talking about Johnny Depp and how we're staying at Johnny Depp's house. And it just went on, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp. And it didn't matter because Johnny Depp's staff had set us up with so much stuff we didn't even need Johnny Depp's staff had set us up with so much stuff. We didn't even need to be at a restaurant, but there's no one at Johnny Depp's house to talk about our staying at Johnny Depp's house.

So we went to the bar to talk about Johnny Depp. No one seemed to pay us any attention. One star that got taken down and the fucking, just a normal one about how cool the staff is. So I don't know if Yelp takes shit down. If people, you know, so if you know anything know if Yelp takes shit down. So if

you know anything about how Yelp works, I was having a lot of fun writing Yelp reviews and now I'm pissed. They're good. And they're accurate with an undertone of comedy. Some of them are not accurate at all. Listen, it's exactly what we were just talking about

a little while ago about how your comedy is now, instead of your comedy being on the stage, your comedy is out there. Your comedy is at Subway ordering a fucking egg sandwich after 11 a.m. Or writing a Yelp review for a fucking weird bookstore you're in. Yeah, I am more inspired by Brendan Walsh than anyone. Like, he just does all sorts of crazy shit I should be doing. Remember when he put the big fathead picture of himself stirring a

pot of boiling water or whatever it was on the Top Chef's billboard on Sunset Boulevard? Yeah, he climbed up there. He took a picture of himself He went to Kinko's and climbed up there and stuck it onto the fucking billboard.

Brett, he had to explain to someone at Kinko's why he needed it this big. And he needed one where he's like holding a big giant silver pot in his left hand. And his right hand is like angrily stirring it. And he's still like a fifth of the size of all the other contestants. This was the best part of the story. There's pictures of this. Yeah, it was up. The best part of the story is that he thought,

just from looking at it from the screen when he planned this whole thing, that if he got it the size, it would match scale-wise. So when he finally climbed up there with this thing that he could stick up there, he realized it's way smaller than it needed to be. So he stuck it to there, but instead of that ruining it, it just made it look like he was standing in the background

angrily stirring a pot. Like the shunned person from Top Shed. The background in the foreground. Oh, shit. The only one you focus on is Brendan Walsh. He did another one that was a cell phone.

If you're not following Brendan Walsh, you're missing out on Twitter. He did one he was showing us when we were there at Johnny Depp's house as guests of Johnny Depp. Who? He came over and he's showing us one. There was a billboard for his cell phone,

but it was a blank cell phone. So he created the text to put on the cell phone. And it's like the numbers. Something like, hey, dad died last night. And then the response, omg what the fuck or what wtf but it looked like oh fuck that's great you'd have to like just did i just see that on a billboard god damn it he's funny yeah when i was in the sixth grade we used to our bus used to pass a big billboard of hulk hogan with a milk commercial wait pass a big billboard of Hulk Hogan with a milk commercial.

Wait, what? A big billboard of Hulk Hogan? It was Hulk Hogan with the milk. Where did you go to school, Nirvana? You never saw Hulk Hogan did new milk commercials in your town? Go ahead. What the fuck? Go ahead.

Anyway, it was by my cousin's house. And we got off the bus, and you could climb up there, and we just took a big marker and blacked out the middle of his fucking teeth. We're in sixth grade. We thought it was hilarious. That's what you know. Yeah, the bus would pass by it every day, and you can fucking play it loud.

Sixth grade. It does the body good. Sixth grade, you do the teeth, then you learn the mustache, and then the dick in the face is high school then the dick in the face is every band that ever drew on a green room wall at every venue every venue i play is fucking just bands they have to be so fucking dumb to talk to because if you ever sit in the green room and you look at the shit that they write on the green room walls it's just dick pictures and you suck and shit you would write on in grammar school toilets like really you have a band you write lyrics and then

this is when chad and i uh don't debut the band we've been putting together secretly to debut. We're not going to debut Incontinent Dog tonight. I thought we were on board. You know, Incontinent Dog. Put the guitars away. He's not into it. Incontinent Dog reminds me of Brendan Walsh's podcast, The Bone Zone. Yeah.

The Bone Zone. Yeah. And you can get in touch with Brendan Walsh to find out what his next caper is at BrendanWalsh.com or his Twitter handle at Brendan Walsh. The only one. Do not follow Brendan Walsh on Twitter. Absolutely. Follow his ex-wife and his kid because they're hilarious. Right, Trish?

Yes. And Trevor? They're funny. Brendan's kind of hacky and kind of like played out, but Trish and Trevor are fucking funny. That's cutting edge comedy to me. Get both sides of the story. Get them all. I'm just saying.

And you might be. But at Brendan Wallace, one of the most prolific Twitterers out there. You're heading out that way. Los Angeles. You want me out that way. Los Angeles. Do you want me to tell them something? No, no, no. I was just seeing what your plan is. Have 47 going to LA.

I hope to make it there. Retired. By 48. Yeah, we're the same age and you've retired and I'm starting. So, probably good luck for me.

It's probably right. I mean, it feels right. I mean, how hard could it be? That's my feeling. How hard could it be? The thing is, it's just words. Look at the morons doing it, right? Dude, they're everywhere.

Brendan Walsh, for instance. See, you'd have an advantage over me going back to L.A. because I know nothing about how it works, but I know how it used to work that's different. So you're going in fresh. Well, first of all, here's the whole deal, dude. I had this whole plan. It was called Operation Stanhope Coattails.

And I got here, and it turns out there's no Super Bowl party, and you're retired. and I got here and it turns out turns out there's no Super Bowl party and you're retired so and the minute you showed up now we have to go to Los Angeles apparently

the minute you showed up he left yeah gone Australia other side of the earth as far as you can get away without taking a spaceship

that's where he went when I came here after 10 years of being invited. So yeah, I guess now we go down to LA and see who hates me there. Actually, you're right. I'm sure there's a whole list. Well, no, it's going to fall in the ocean when you get there.

Isn't it? I'll get there and there'll be a sign that says, Too late, dummy. Should have been here two months ago. I would have no idea i go back there i don't know how you know who the people are we were talking about that what are you talking about no listen trying to break in what the fuck with when chris rock talking about all the comedians that are in his movie i knew almost none of them i don't know the people on Last Comic Standing. I don't know anyone anymore. No, we watched this season. You knew D.C. Benny?

No, I didn't know. You predicted the joke he was going to tell at the final. That doesn't have anything to do with what you looked like on stage. No, I knew Jimmy Schubert. There's a couple people, but generally, the old seasons, I'd know most of the people.

And now I know nobody. I didn't know all the names they were dropping in the Chris Rock movie. Oh, she was fantastic. They were going over the moon on some of these actor, actresses, slash comics. Because most of them are comics. If you've seen the trailers for this top five. And you, I mean, I don't know him. but you didn't even know them i have no mark maron is talking about them so they either they were new york or la i mean well erickson's you probably

know i probably know them i mean i've been in peoria for 15 years so you've been you've been in a comedy club where there's rotating people. I actually see people. We see the same people as each other. But I only see the people Peoria can book. Well, Andy Kindler was just there. Andy Kindler was just there. So that means someone who made money the week before was there. Was he in that movie? No.

Well, then, there you go. Erickson, you're so just almost making it. I know. I'm just about at the cusp, dude. If you just were here the night before. Should have been here. Should have hung out, dude. Should have hung out, dude.

It's the David Teller joke. Spice Girls were just here. Should have hung out, man. Scary spice sucked everyone's dick. I'm here to just clean up the garbage after everyone's done partying. Yeah. Like a fish concert. Yeah.

You don't get to watch the show or do the drugs. You get to scrape up all the garbage. Shit. Right now, I got to call a tell. We can do it on the air. No. Actually, we can't. No, not Dave a tell.

Just Tom a tell. I guess that's the end of the podcast. It's not. What? It's not? Wait, we got plugs. You guys want to talk about... You guys want to...

You got plugs? Hey, I'm going to be at Belushi's in Fort Myers, Florida in January. Really? Yeah. I'm going to just fucking hang out here. When? Dick. The 15th through the 17th of January.

All right. And at Coconuts on the 14th of January with Danny Bevins, who's very funny. I love Danny Bevins. When's the Super Bowl? First week of February, like February 2nd or something. The week after? No, this is January, which is the month before February. He's going to miss the fucking championships.

No, they're on Sunday, the 18th, January 18th. You'll probably be in the air. I'll be at the Thunderbird. You should fly to the Thunderbird and hang out there. That's what I was going to say. We might crash your gig at Belushi's. That's not going to happen. We're probably going to go to the Caribbean somewhere.

No, I'm not talking Super Bowl. I'm talking about first gig. Doug, if you want, at Belushi's, I could probably get you a guest set if you want to pop on and do some time. I've done that. Three to five. Don't burn the light. Who's this asshole in the linen suit? Hey, Mr. Custer's got to go. This is a close back.

Chaley, do you remember when we crashed and surprised Dave Attell and Sean Rouse at the Houston Improv? I said, listen, I'm going to go up as the host. Because they don't know who you are. Vettel and Rouse didn't know I was there. And I went up. So they didn't even know you were there. He brought him on.

I went to bring him, you know, introduce the show. And fucking nobody in the audience knew who I was. And I was doing all cornball. Like, all right, some people are going to know. Nobody knew. And I was goofing, making stupid announcements and shit. And yeah you went up they stared sold out crowd and he's like it's like a disney-esque like planned that area it's improv improv yeah they're all like the whole area it's adult destination yes and he goes up there and fucking, it's horrible. So you introduce Rouse.

Blank Stairs. Did I do the goofy thing? Who's the guy that was the host? Because you did a podcast with him afterwards. Oh, Mungle? No. No, no. They were doing a podcast with Tal.

Oh, is it that guy that had the backstage pass? Remember him? I go, why do you have a backstage pass for your own podcast? He goes, because people give me less shit when i try to talk to the comics they just he had his own backstage pass yes he printed one you walk you walk with purpose all right you have a sponsor dan hope celebrity death pool oh fuck would oh j. It's not over yet. I have two weeks. You have two weeks. We have two weeks to get your fucking death pool picks in.

And I've done no research again on my list of things to do in retirement. Put Ed Asner on there. You know, he's going down. It doesn't matter. He's too old. You got fucking, I got crushed this year.

I don't know what I'm nowhere. I took, I took Eric, the midget off my list in a trade round a month before he died. Oh! So who's in the lead? You want to talk about being disheartened for the whole fucking season. Who's in the lead right now? Do you know?

Melissa Holton. Melissa Holton again just blew everybody away. She's so far ahead that even the big, we made the last call bonus. blew everybody away so far ahead that even the big we made the last call bonus if someone dies on december 31st yeah you get a hundred bonus points even even with that she's so far still in she's fucking crushing so yeah yeah get your shit together start doing some research for celebrity death pool and the new website is up we got uh t-shirts fucking jim ether and jordan gum their artwork is so fucking good that i just sell t-shirts just because and posters i don't know but maybe we'll get some posters leftovers out there tour

posters and i just we renamed tours just so I can get new posters because their artwork is so fucking good. Jim Ether, Jordan Gumm, they're not a partnership like Bernie Taupin and Elton John. They're separate guys. But so yeah. They are gay, but they're separate guys.

Wicked gay. How else would I have met them? You think I go to museums? No, I meet people in bathhouses. We body paint and I go, wow, you're a natural at this. I was cleaning out the crawl space while you were gone, and I found a lot of one-offs. Oh.

I got one-off T-shirts that people gave you, like the guy in Canada who gave you the shirt of you cutting into a baby. Oh, that was the first one. There's one of those, and We're going to sell that. We'll sell that. You know what? We'll wait till the next eBay yard sale because that has that baby cutting

that has a story to it because that was the fucking night, day after the night we did Acid because the fucking first phone call from Johnny Depp and we're like, we got to do Acid now. That seems like a logical response. Well, before that, someone gave us acid.

Also, before that, someone gave us acid. So leading up to that was just a long period of looking for an excuse to do acid. Selena Gomez could have called that night. Well, I guess we do acid. If someone gave us a box of chocolate bars, that night would have been the night we eat a box of chocolate. This was right when my last special was coming out and I had to go to

Canada and I had dick for new material and I was in such a panic state and the second night, that's when fucking we get the call from Hennigan. Johnny Depp is going to be contacting you for some unknown reason so i'm trying to write fucking new material this whole time waiting for this phone call that i have

no idea why it's going to happen and and i'm trying to be professional and write material and we're given every fucking night someone's trying to give us hallucinogens and i go i can't pile that i can't do that on a regular run when i know my shit right yeah so i get all this shit going on and there was one moment where chaley and i were on a plane going to like calgary or something plane trains and automobiles we're both sitting there in our stupid suits and wearing reading glasses i'm reading the economist he's reading blue bloomberg business weekly and i said to him i still have a picture i leaned back legs crossed i i remembered we had one night off like in victoria where we could do drugs because we've been turning down all these

hallucinogens trying to be professional to get this new set together and fucking constantly waiting for this fucking call from behind the magic curtain of why does Johnny Depp want to talk to me? And I said, listen, we should... I actually had him schedule in hallucinogens on that one night coming off, coming up. It's in my flipbook. Because we should really do hallucinogens

and we look at each other with fucking old men in reading classes. Sitting across the aisle on Air Canada. Remember when... Scheduling hallucinogens for an upcoming... We have a break in the schedule. We should pencil in.

Remember in part one when Chad and I were talking about how maybe you've lost touch with the common man? Pencil me in for a hallucinogen, Jeeves. Not a heavy trip. I think Jeff and I can shroom on Tuesday. So true. These guys had called because we talked about anyone with a weird story to do podcasts.

This is probably when we stopped doing this. Yeah, this was the reason we stopped doing it. Siri, remind me to drop acid on Thursday. No one has this life, man. You're double booked with a shot of Jägermeister. Bring in the economist. So these guys had contacted us Saying that a girl they went to high school with Had like

Killed someone Her own child And like ate a baby or something She ate her own baby Killed her own infant And then ate it And we did due diligence And we found the story on Google

But the guys This is after We did due diligence and we found the story on Google. But the guys, like, this is after. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We totally set up, like, them coming down the day after doing acid to, like, them come down and we were going to do a whole production of, like, clear this area. We needed to do a podcast. In the venue. We were doing two nights at this Ramada Inn

sports bar. It was downstairs. And so we had them section off apart. I think they were at the show the night before and I said don't say anything until tomorrow. Because I don't want to know the story. I want you to tell me the story. It's a great story that

they knew as much about as we did from a Google search Wikipedia would yield more remember we, Chaley and I without the ability to punch it up like a comic after the first show that's the day Johnny Depp

finally called and he said I have this idea and I thought of you and I go, I'm standing what do you want to commit suicide? I said I'm standing. Do you want to commit suicide? I said I'm standing in the range trying to smoke a cigarette holding

the phone so I can hear and I'm like he sounds like Ed Berg he does he sounds a lot like Ed Berg and I said I'm standing in a Ramada parking lot out of the range trying to smoke a cigarette about to play to 200 people in a sports bar I'm not a parking lot out of the rain trying to smoke a cigarette, about to play to 200 people in a sports bar. I'm not going to say no.

And then there's a pause. And then the laugh. Thank God. So that night we were very giddy. So we get done the show and he did mushrooms and I did acid. We tripped our balls off like children in the parking garage underneath the place with one sober sitter bartender that stayed afterwards and stayed. We were up till 430 in the morning. In a parking garage.

In a parking garage. Right next to the intake fan, which was really creepy because it would turn on and then she goes, I got to walk home. And you and I are so fucked up. It's like, all right, see you. Just let her fucking go. Well, you know the neighborhood better than us. We don't know where we're at. The next morning, fuck,

Chaley sets up this whole podcast in the venue. No, no, hold on a second. Before the podcast, you had gotten up and you made friends with people at breakfast, like families. You were taking pictures with them. I hung out with the staff because they weren't selling cigarettes. To get cigarettes.

All the staff hung out back smoking cigarettes. And there was a liquor store attached to the place, but it didn't open until 8 a.m. So I'm just sitting out there and I'll buy you packs as soon as it opens. And I'm just sitting out there with all these fat immigrants. You went into the restaurant. Very good. Very good. You went into a very good food at that restaurant.

You went in there. And I only know you did this because later you were telling me about the families that you took pictures with. I'm like, you did what? You were still me about the families that you took pictures with. I'm like, you did what? You were still fucking high. And like bumming smokes from the kitchen staff and then coming in and doing fucking photos with families sitting down to Sunday breakfast. Having their Easter breakfast.

Yes. What the fuck? And you told me. It was a Saturday, I'm sure. And then we went up and got the hair. You mean the real Sabbath? Then we went up and got the hair. You mean the real Sabbath? Then we went up and got the haircuts. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's. Am I going over territory? I'm just getting to the point. Yeah, no, I'm just getting to the point. All right. I don't want to fucking depth this one up. That was.

We'll save the haircut adventure. Yeah. The Congo shower cap. Congo shower cap. I'll read all those texts someday. Oh, that's another thing we're going to do is the Marilyn Manson podcast. That was four hours of unusable tape. I told Chaley we have to chop up and just make a fucking blooper reel out of.

There's no way to edit it together but i'm going to chop it up into pieces and to show you examples of why it will never be a podcast so you talked to marilyn manson for four hours oh no we were there all night but we did four hours of tape right they uh none of it's usable oh no they said uh so it's like all of his music the point of the whole story with the baby girl the ate the baby these guys knew her and they want to do the podcast and i go oh this story checks out this is after we've come off this horrific acid mushroom trip. And I'm like, I got to stay awake to do this thing because they're going to be here at noon.

And I'm in no condition to do a podcast. But I go, this story sells itself. The girl had a baby and then killed it and ate it. You can pretty much carry this. No, they couldn't. Turns out they just happened to go to fourth grade with her. So they knew her at one point, but they weren't around. They knew nothing other than.

And they're just Beavis and Butthead and going, yeah, yeah. We went to school there. And I'm like, you're going to fuck. Give me more than nothing. you're going to fuck give me more than nothing shortly and I go I'm too fucked up to do this

sorry guys I asked them to turn the fucking TVs down in a sports bar so we could get this fucking riveting this fucking we're going to get the real truth here and they're like they knew her her in fourth or fifth grade.

I think she moved to Seattle. That's the same thing. I never heard that was their thing. Getting the TVs turned down is the same thing Chris Hansen does before he goes in and does a bust on the Pedophile Show. So that is the right move, Shaylee. No, we did it right. That is the right move.

We did it right. You did the right thing. They did have a baby doll and a plate of spaghetti as a prop so they could get a picture of me with a fork and knife. Like a maniac. But they sent me that. So anyway,

evidently Chaley's selling that as well as posters and t-shirts and DVDs and CDs. I get those fucking things out of my crawl space. They're antiquated. They're fucking 8-track tapes. I'll sign the things maybe if I'm home and you request it, but I'm not guaranteeing it. Let's get this shit out of my crawl space.

I don't know what I have left. Doug, this is the problem. I went down there, and I'm checking our inventories, and I'm bringing it all over here to the Suicide House, and I'm realizing, Deadbeat Hero, can we get any more of that? Because I've only got a couple more boxes left. What the fuck? I want everything out of my crawlspace.

Listen, this just went online, and I just fudged the numbers because I didn't want to count how many boxes. This is how Enron got started. You had all these other boxes, and I just assumed we had plenty of Deadbeat Hero. Stop. Stop. Blowing the whole thing.

The point is, yes, we like to sell shit on the road. We walk Chad Shank. But no one, yeah, you want a thing that I signed. No, you don't want to fuck. Get a CD or a DVD now on the website at the merch page because I don't want to fucking produce them or carry them

around anymore. If I have to sell merch at a show, it'll be something else that you fucking need like a t-shirt because the one you're wearing is filthy and you smell poorly. So get a new t-shirt or a poster or we'll start selling pickled eggs. I don't know.

But I want that. Get that shit out of my fucking crawl space. I don't have a sponsor. I'm sponsored by what's left of those CDs and DVDs in my crawl space. Buy them. Follow HD Fatty, but don't annoy him with too many day drunk versus questions. Actually, we're sponsored by Modern Drunkard. Modern Drunkard.

Drunkard.com. Black Mirror on Netflix. The Chris Rock movie, top five. Go out and see that, but leave for the last uh 90 seconds so you don't make up for the time i would have it's got 84 of the funniest comedians you've ever seen in your life don't wait after the credits to see if you see doug because he's not there and i guess that's it it's's another time to play the Mattoid. Part time. Part time.

Part time. Part time. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It's party time Smile your smiles and blow your blues It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time

Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time One more! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fuck, it's party time Here we go Party time

Party time Party time Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, Party time! Hey! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do