The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #69: Breaking News In Bisbee

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

Officer involved shooting at the Bisbee Safeway and Doug has breaking news. Also, Bingo 'Butter Cheeks' Bingaman reads her tweets.Recorded April 22, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo 'Butter Cheeks' Bingaman (@AmyButterCheeks), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Word OF The Day by Uphill KimboSlice. Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Bingo's Caddy - eBay Auction - http://ebay.to/1P8lMKrIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Ace Of Spades” written by Eddie Clarke, Ian Kilmister, Phil Taylor. Covered by The Mattoid. Mishka Shubaly available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight This is Doug Stanhope, Breaking News Podcast. Big news right here in Bisbee, Arizona.

Officer-involved fatal shooting outside of Safeway Supermarket. Safeway, my second home here in Bisbee. And it could have happened while I was in there. I was in there twice today. First time I went, I went like 11.30. twice today first time i went i went like 11 30 and uh got my uh my 50 percent percent off something i don't even know what it was today i didn't get meat because we had that leftover 30 off filet mignon so so yeah i was in there and uh and i came home I didn't notice anything awry. And then I get on the computer and someone tweeted that, yeah, this is going to spice up the police beat, something to that effect.

Bisbee Observer will have real news next time because there was just a link to the Tucson News. The noontime news started off with fatal shooting. So that shit had to be going on when I was in there. I'm not a guy who notices a lot of police tape and dead bodies and gunshots. Not when you're fixated on 30% and 50% off cuts of meat. Yeah, 87 cents fresh strawberries. 87 cents a pound. Limit four.

That's what I wanted to do. We went back. So we watched the news. And then, of course, there's no details. But I fucking haul ass back to Safeway. I mean, this town would be the equivalent of most of you probably went to a school, high school, that had as many kids as this town. So if someone fucking got killed, it wouldn't have to be in your grade for you to go hauling ass to that side of the fucking school to see what's up. And it turns out I didn't know the guy, but Evelyn did, who works at Safeway.

She goes, yeah, I heard who it was. And I went, hooray. And then Alice said, no, that's sad. She goes, no, it's not sad. That guy used to chase us around the parking lot, for Christ's sakes. He assaulted. I remember her telling us after work one day that someone had assaulted one of the kids. May I carry your bags out, kids.

The shopping cart jockeys. Yeah. The guys who grab all the carts from their way. A courtesy clerk. The corners of the parking lot. Yeah. Where you would find this guy. So the guy defended himself and got fired for defending himself.

He was a fucking, the guy, this had all the earmarks, still could go south because the guy was Hispanic in a largely Hispanic community. And he was 51 and he was mentally ill. And you go, ooh, that could be it. And he had a knife. He was armed with a knife. Shoot him in the foot. Come on.

What's that? But then it turns out he's got an extensive rap sheet. He's been arrested 35 times since 2001, including for attempted murder. First degree. Yeah. With an assault with a deadly weapon, et cetera, et cetera. The cops knew him. Everyone.

When I talked to Evelyn, she goes, yeah, when I told, when I told Alice crazy Carlos was dead. So yeah, they knew him that well, old crazy Carlos. So old crazy Carlos, uh, he, he, he took a bullet. We'll find out more details. We'll try to get Chad Shank on the scene, follow up, deep cover investigative reporting. We went back, uh, we went back for the 4 o'clock news because we knew they'd have news teams down by then. This is, fuck, two hours. Like a news van. Yeah.

There was some chick there pretty quick. She was the one tweeting about it for KOLD Channel 13 in Tucson. Plug, Cynthia KOLD. Yes, that. Plug. Cynthia KOLD. Yes, that's right. I followed you. You kept me up to the minute in this crisis, crisis, Bisbee crisis. We have more breaking news. I went back there at 4 o'clock.

I thought we might see Chad. Well, I thought it would be really funny if I could get an interview. I thought if I had time and I just wasn't really motivated. I had it all planned out. I could get an interview. I thought if I had time and I just wasn't really motivated. I had it all planned out. I could have done it. I could have gone over to Evelyn's, grabbed one of her Safeway work shirts, put it on with a tie and gone out there and given my statement to the press, which I already had worked out.

Yeah. Yes, it's been confirmed that there was a fatality. It was an officer involved. And we don't know yet if it was a Rewards Club member, but the investigation is ongoing. We know this was a tragedy for everyone involved in our hearts and prayers go out to them. We've always had a strong relationship with Bisbee Law Enforcement. They come into our deli and enjoy our fresh sandwiches, pimento loaf, sliced ham, fresh turkey. Try the ambrosia.

There's free samples. So regardless, every meal deal does come with a large pepsi product and a package of sun chips yes 87 cents for a pound of fresh strawberries he can't beat that with a stick now that's a steal yeah and uh right now we have uh bone-in ham for uh 2.99 a pound and a lot of people think that's just leftovers from things we didn't sell at Easter. And that's not true. We don't erase expiration dates. And I can't say that about our competitors over in Sierra Vista.

So make that trip if you want to save a penny or two. But it's at your own peril. Just see how long I could go on plugging Safeway. But, yeah, we didn't see an opening. Okay, breaking news. Uphill Dave and Kimbo Slice from Alaska, they're heading back from Bisbee to their summer home in Alaska. So we're going to have to get back to you after our company and cocktails already in progress.

Okay, sorry. We had to take a break and have five cocktails with our neighbors who are here. Uphill Dave and Kimbo Slice, the Alaskan Disasters. The Alaskan, what rhymes with Alaskan? Athabaskan. disasters the Alaskan what rhymes with Alaskan come on you're Athabaskan taking a task in the Alaskans here they're leaving town so uh we're having cocktails but we gotta get this fucking podcast out in the morning and we have to figure breaking news that uh yeah so we went up to the cop shooting when we left you last uh they were still combing

the scene not as much as you'd think. Like, all the yellow tape was down by 4 o'clock. It was wrapped up. Yeah, it was done. They already had the guy's name out and everything. And did we already mention we talked to Evilly? Crazy Carlos. Oh, crazy Carlos bit the dust. I got a text.

One block Ben knew him. He's like, yeah, he used to know Carlos Ramirez. He used to make fun of his last name. Ram her ass. Ramirez, get it? I'm sure he killed with that. Every day, same thing. Yeah.

I'm a Ramirez. You know what that means? I'll ram your ass. All right, stop chasing me around the parking lot. Sure. Said he was crazy as a loon. So we went up to try to figure out maybe how to get on the news i didn't want to baba buoy it was i was too chicken shit to baba buoy it in my own hometown

it was a lot of things like you also didn't want to like goof on the guy in his hometown his family did have family does have family here they already had roses on the mound of dirt where he slept. I don't know. They said he lived in a desert, in the desert. They didn't say if it was in a structure or if he just laid down. I don't know. So, yeah. So we took the high road of don't shit where you eat or the smart road and talk about it on the podcast that no one in this town listens to

but then as we're going through the parking lot looky-looing and rubbernecking at the news crews because we don't get that here it was fun uh then we see a cop berating two guys outside a safeway and you guys you know that fucking guy who plays a recorder? If you don't know what a recorder is, it's like an annoying flute. Somewhere between a kazoo and a flute that you... A kazoo. Well, it just goes... It's something you'd give a kid.

It's what kids learn music on. Yeah, you'd give it to your kid and go, Why the fuck did I buy that for my kid? This is driving. There's no good sound that comes out of it. It's like playing a chalkboard with press on nails. And he's out there. He's this stinky, hippie kid.

You know, he's one of those. He's a young, they're all thin uh hippie kid he's a good looking dude the recorder kid you know if you just fucking shave all that shit off your face and wash it like you the guy probably rolls around in filth to get more money like you're you're being that filthy on purpose and you're right at the entrance and i go to safeway you know three times a day sometimes four times a day honestly i'm so fucking bored and i like to go find 50 off meat so i i fucking hate this guy and i always have to swallow my tongue when i'm walking. The earlier, the more fragile I am.

And I'm like, no one wants to fucking hear that. You stink at it. Like, if you could be good at a recorder, it would stink. But you could at least say, well, I'm the best. But you're not even good. You just stay. You're like a child that's just blowing and hitting buttons. He's not doing Tom Sawyer by Rush.

He's just noodling around. It's not even. Yeah, it's not a song. If you put a guitar in my hand and I just put my fingers anywhere and hit the strings and then moved my fingers. That's what he was doing. So today is the first time I've seen him with a partner. We're driving through. There's still cops all around.

They took the yellow tape down, but there's news crews and there's cops, but there's a cop dressing them down. I said to pull through, let's spin around, because I want to get at least a picture of the news crews at the Bisbee Safeway for posterity. And then we see the cop. There's a situation right in front of the Safeway for posterity. And then we see the cop. There's a situation right in front of the Safeway door. And so I jump out, and I had my phone ready.

So I just went over, and I started videotaping. And the guy's going, I don't have to give you my ID, man. It's against the Constitution. Tell me why I have to identify myself, which he's absolutely right. But I also know you're an annoying cunt who plays a recorder to people who don't want to fucking hear it. But this time he's got he's got a partner with him and they're dressed in the almost like 1930s prison outfits, except without the stripes. They were just like, if you can imagine vintage hospital scrubs that are now threadbare and torn and filthy, but matching. White.

Beige. Beige white. Yeah, they were white. Dirty white. In the 30s. And now they're filthy, beige, torn, and matching. And the other kid's playing like a ukulele. And he really did take the edge off

the recorder if you heard even a minute of it and uh and it they look like they look like uh oh brother where art thou exactly younger man of sorrow and and then they they have three other friends who tattooed necks that are trying to talk to one kid who knows the Constitution. The Constitution doesn't help you. They will arrest you. They'll find a way. You're always in the wrong. There's so many laws on the books that if a cop wants to arrest you, there's a million things he can arrest you for that are legal.

And just quoting the Constitution doesn't help you. You might beat the charge later after hiring lawyers, but unless you know the Constitution and case law so well that you can go in your fucking threadbare half a toga 1920s smock yeah comb the lice out of your beard and then go to explain this to a judge in and you can't so i go i start filming and i'm behind the cop and this guy sees me filming and then he gets a little more oh get it going yeah yeah and this guy's he's filming you right now and the guy turns turns around, the cop turns around, and he does take it down a notch, but they don't know.

I'm filming just, I don't like you. Like, if this cop did something dirty, I'd be the first guy to turn it in. But I'm here because I want to see you get fucking arrested, because the recorder should be in the Constitution. As a musical instrument, no one should be in the constitution as a musical instrument no one should be it's kind of it's ear rape i don't free speech unless footnote if a recorder is present on the person speaking then yeah you're raping my ears i don't want to hear that you're in a place i have to be to eat that's what he was saying i i

had to stop myself from heckling because at one point i did give the cop a look like all right don't worry i've cropped you out of the shot after he finally the guy goes well fine here's my id man but hurry up i'm just i just wanted some hurry up to eat i just need to eat dude i'm just trying to make some money to eat and And then he changed it. I'm just out here because I need – my lips are so chapped they're bleeding. I just need money for Burt's Bees. He was branding. High end.

He has product placement, you know, now that he's got the partner with the – He's sponsored. Turn the ukulele over on the back and it says, buy Burt's Bees. So at some point, the cop gets his ID and then gets out of the camera frame. And then he notices I'm no longer filming him. I'm just still filming them. And when I went inside, I gave him a look and he smiled, which is cool because you want to be on the good side of cops. So which is cool because you want to be on the good side of cops. I'm all for fucking rabble rousing when it's called for.

But you're just a douche with a recorder harassing people outside of fucking safely. And you stink. I've tried to make a bit out of this in my act. But with graffiti where people go, it's art like these are abandoned buildings. But you suck. You fucking just put some illegible tag where there's great graffiti artists out there. And there's great street buskers. And there's great people. No one's good with a recorder.

But other people play beautiful music on the street to make money. And they're homeless or half homeless. but there should be some kind of open mic process between you noodling around on some, you know, dog rape whistle to where you get front row at Safeway. Do that somewhere else till a panel of homeless judges say, okay,

you got the prime Safeway spot. Yeah. of homeless judges say, okay, you got the prime Safeway spot. American homeless idol kind of situation before you can even spray. Okay, you spray paint here. Listen, you're going to have to spray paint graffiti on your own clothes. And then if you walk around in those clothes and get compliments, then you move up a level. But there's got to be some kind of process you can't shuffle foot up from the parking lot and then bring your d game to the entrance

the same way we want someone who has a little pride in what they're doing i mean the recorder can be played tracy is actually she she plays the tin whistle and she's good at yeah she said that in the car and we're. I can't convince you. You would have to hear her. If you told me you blew a guy in a subway toilet, I'd just let that go. I'd let it go when Tracy said she plays a recorder. Well, that's what I call a recorder. Sounded better.

Easier fingering. easier fingering uh so i have uh the the cop that was involved in the shooting uh coronado uh he's the guy if you watch my uh appearances at city hall speaking he's the cop not smiling behind me but i have caught him smiling in the hallway i have seen him laugh in the hallway when he's not so yeah everyone said that guy's fucking bat shit crazy which a helps the bit i uh the mental illness bit as i go do that one final time on this last tour before we finally put it on a special makes that fresh anything that makes a bit fresh. Like this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh, no shows tonight though. Yeah. It's gotta be relevant when you're on stage. Yeah. But it's Bisbee relevant. That's true. That stays relevant for a long time around here. Point is,

uh, it's, uh, yeah, it's sad. And the fucking guy should have had help. And, uh,

you gotta take care of your crazies. And they don't here, which is in the bit. But sometimes just because a crazy guy. Wait, oh, that guy was going to kill you? What did you do? Oh, I let him because he was mentally ill. All right. Who knows?

Who knows what happened? The guy had two cops with guns, one guy with a knife. That's never fucking good. It's never good. But down here, everyone knew that guy and everyone immediately. Small town. Like I said, it's just like the size of your high school. If you don't know him, you know a kid who knows him.

And they knew him and they said, wow. Yeah. No one's surprised so that's why uh on earth day as we tape this that's why don't fucking make people don't have children you're fucking rotten people for having children you're filthying up the earth because there's no such thing as a fucking crazy maniac guy in a town of 5,000 people. That's crazy Carlos. So with less people, there's more humanity.

There's more decency because you know the guy. That guy's homeless because he destroyed every bridge and burned every opportunity to sleep on a couch or get help. So, yeah. All right. That's that. We're going to go to another quick break. Oh, wait. We have a special guest now.

Hi. This is Amy Buttercheese Bingaman. I'm Doug Statham's girlfriend and world champion pie eater. Of course, before the pie, I'm a world champion appetizer eater and then an entree eater. Then sometimes I have a bucket of sherbet to cleanse my palate. a sherbet to cleanse my palate. Bingo Buttercheese Bingaman, I saw today that you have a Twitter account, and this is your Twitter account. This is not some very hilarious Death Squad fan that set this up.

This is you, right? Absolutely. Let me read you some of my tweets that I tweeted today. You know how to, you can actually type? Yes, I type. I have to have a very large keyboard. It's a 60-inch keyboard to accommodate my giant fat sausage fingers. I tweeted this.

The Oreo cookie people are very stingy with their products. So I tweeted, at Oreo, will you start selling the stuffing in two liter bottles any time soon? And I have not been responsible or respectful enough to respond to me. I have to go to the veterinarian sometimes to get my anal glands expressed from the buildup of gravy. Here's another tweet I did. Now, bingo butter cheeks. That's at Amy Butter Cheeks? Yes, it's at Amy Butter Cheeks. And is it, so that's your Twitter?

Yeah, because I wanted to have the handle at Amy Buttercheeks. Bingaman would like you to hand deliver any kind of baked goods, creamery products, frozen dairy. I've heard that the humanitarian food drops that they do, they do humanitarian food drops for all these Africans. And I think you should be able to order those like Domino's, where I can just lay in this driveway with my mouth held open with its speculum. And they can parachute perishable foods into my mouth. Okay, just read us one more of your tweets.

Miracle Whip, which I don't want to do them a disservice. Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip. Ever consider making a Miracle Whip flavored toothpaste? I'd go through a tube a day, and I would because it's important to have healthy juice and gums and Miracle Whip. All right, we're going to have to take a break and we'll be back after this.

James, have you ever used Eros Guide for hookers on the road? Eros Guide, that sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide, that sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide. They have hookers in every major metropolitan area. So is this like Craigslist?

It gives you pictures, tells you what they're into. Right, because I'm tired of going to Craigslist, finding these skanky hookers. Is there a better place to go? Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. Because I'm tired of going to Craigslist finding these skanky hookers. Is there a better place to go? Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. How much to just talk for three months?

All right, I'll give you $250 an hour, but I get to live on your couch for a year and a half. And believe me, you'll be paying me that back. Did you say no? I like what you did. I respect that. Can I do some laundry at your house? It's just this jacket and cap.

All right, that's a plug from James Inman. And now back to the podcast, already sort of in progress. All right, quick thank you to whoever sent me this retro Scottish football association. Is that a kit? Is that a kit, Chaley? I know they call their uniforms a kit, but is that a kit? I'm affecting a fucking radio voice. I know it.

It's because we have company. I realize I'm doing a radio voice. Whatever. I probably do it all the time. I'd have to check with the soccer marmalade to see what they call the jerseys. I know. Yeah, this is a retro thing. But it is a whole.

I thought it was a whole. I couldn't play the game, but it says retro, and it's all like wool kind of cloth. It ain't. Fucking soccer jerseys are really the ones people wear, like the shit you would buy at the footlocker or something. Yeah. They're fucking awful. They're horrible. They have collars. They're almost as bad as basketball jerseys.

You see anyone wearing a basketball jersey of their team, you're an asshole. It's a wife beater. It's a shiny wife beater. Tank top, yeah. Yeah, it's grotesque. There's some uniforms you just don't copy. I guess when the 50s NBA players had their little short pants. I guess that was kind of in fashion.

But anyway, what else? Come on. Canada dates. That's what it is. Canada dates. Here we go. This is what I have. And I'm fucking disappointed just like you.

Because I thought fucking Hennigan would get weird with this i told him it would get some weird shit i don't know what happened with going east i wanted to do like maybe newfoundland or something yeah it's basically taking the same route we did last time i think it's exactly the same including that fucking horrible driving back from uh london back to toronto and then having to return a rental car. And a place where you can't return a rental car. Yeah. Actually, we should fucking tell Hennigan to write it down because I'll never remember this.

To fucking get the rental car at the airport. Even though it's like a 30, 40-minute drive back in a town to get to the train station, it's easier to cab it than to get back to that fucking rental car place downtown. It's in a garage, a parking garage, four stories below the earth. And a place you can't – don't even try to get me to explain this because it's unexplainable, which is why it's still fucking – anyway. So, yeah, it's basically the same as last year. June 10th, Montreal. Go to my website because you're not going to write this down.

Then 11th, Ottawa. Then Toronto. Then London. Day off. Winnipeg. Edmonton. Calgary. And two days off.

I don't know if he's trying to fill that two days. That's where we did Victoria. Oh, that fucking. Acid drop. Oh, yes. I don't know if he's trying to do that again. I don't know if he's putting in anything afterwards. I wanted to do

at least one fucking Yukon territory. Because Bill Berg, we talked about doing that together. I'll fucking show up. We could go and meet up with Glenn Wool, maybe, if he's not... I don't want to do anything that's not work-related. Well, that's what I mean.

We could meet with him and maybe show up in Yellowknife or something. It'd be a two-day trip. Well, yeah. He's there now. Hopefully, Hennigan listens to this podcast. It's the only way we can do it again. Yeah, put his name in the title and he'll listen to it. I fucking listen to it. Oh, hey, they mention name in the title and he'll listen to it. I fucking listen to it.

Oh, hey, they mention you. As long as they put the minute mark, I'm not going to listen to a fucking someone's two-hour podcast. Oh, yeah, Bert Kreischer and what is that? You wrote that down. Bert Kreischer, BertCast number 118. He and Kurt Braunholer. Yeah, they say they're coming out here.

Yeah, that's what they talk about. We have plenty of accommodations. And we have accommodations for whoever buys that fucking Cadillac. Huh? We have T-shirts. We have CDs. On the road, we'll have beer steins and shot glasses. And who else fucking sells vintage Cadillacs? That's merch. We'll have beer steins and shot glasses.

And who else fucking sells vintage Cadillacs? That's merch. It's merch right there. So, yeah, you have till Sunday. That would be April 26th. Yes. 148 Pacific. No, no. I think it's East Coast.

I don't know. You look at eBay. Just search Cadillac Bingo Stanhope, and you'll find it. What about butter cheeks? Did you not use butter cheeks as the meta tag? You would never know the word meta tag. I just read it off your list. I read it out of your notes.

I'm going to eat your notes like hay. Okay. And the Killer Termites team is coming together. You're doing good. We have to get out. We're going to have a party. I had to stop writing. I've been writing maniacally and hold up away from everyone and pets.

And I had to take tonight off only. Our friends here are moving back to it. Not moving. They're snowbirds. They come down during the winter and they live across the street and they're great friends. And then they fuck off during the summer and they're back for football season and uh so kim texted me this morning hey we only have tonight and tomorrow and i was i had already i was going to be writing five days a week and then just take saturday sunday off and then after i've been writing realizing how arduous a process this is

i'm like i'm not taking any more days off. And then I'm looking at your text going, I fucking can't say no when I'm sober. But then I just ignored it until I found out, oh, there's a fucking cop shooting. I can't concentrate on a book. There's a fucking shooting at Safeway. So I took today off. I can't do that. I was writing yesterday, and at one point I was trying to describe the house we grew up in,

in Paxton, Massachusetts, where we spent three years. I was trying to describe an eerie-looking house, and I was trying to describe an eerie looking house and I was trying to go. It's like a horror movie scene, but no, like where they film it. And I couldn't. It took me 10 minutes to come up with the word set. So like a movie set, not a scene. And then just don't worry. The whole book has not gone like this. But the longer I've been writing, like 12-hour days,

and then last night I'm already punchy, and I'm giggly, and I'm half falling apart. Negronis. And I called Chaley. I go, what's another word for a pot? It's just a story about banging a pot over someone's head with a metal label when they were sleeping on a counter at a restaurant I worked in. You know, like a pot. And I realized i was looking for the word pan which not only is not a hard word to come up with it's the wrong fucking word because it's just a big giant soup pot but i swore

there's another word for that i'm using thesaurus.com to find dumb words sometimes because I only know much to his. Chagrin. Chagrin, exactly. So I don't want to use chagrin because you only use it in that context. So I had, all right, Thesaurus.com. What's a dumb version of chagrin? Because I don't want to use. Amazement?

Annoyance is, I think, what I went with. The point is, yeah, I'm going to be writing for a while. But we are going to have a couple more times we step out. We have one date planned for May 1st. May 1st. Jeff, if you listen to my podcast, no, it's not your 50th birthday party. Sorry, my brother, my beautiful brother. I'm making you look good in my book.

I can't come out and surprise you. We're going to a dinner and a movie instead. We'll toast him. May 1st, the Royale, they show movies at the Bisbee Royale on weekends. And so they're showing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which I saw when I was a teenager. I don't remember shit except two scenes, including the end. He's never seen. I've never seen it.

Tracy's seen parts of it. And bingo. Lived it. Yeah, but has never seen it. So we're going to hit Cafe Roca and then see one flew over the cuckoo's nest. That's one night out. Floyd's asshole party. And then whoever buys the caddy, if it's a fan kind of be

easier if it's actually just a fucking collector some speculator a guy's gonna flip it like the the dude from Fast and Furious but if it is if you are a podcast listener not just a fan but a podcast listener because I'm not putting this up anywhere else and you actually buy that car we will uh we will have you at our home for dinner and drunk and you can crash and drive that piece of fucking shit out of my goddamn life i found another fucking old car like i'm selling this because i don't need the problems of an old car because i don't you're gonna take it to sista. There's no place in town that can deal with this. If there's a problem in Sierra Vista, you'd probably have to get it to Tucson.

If you live in a fucking city, yeah, something goes wrong, there's a fucking guy here. To be clear, there's nothing wrong with the car. It runs. Yeah, I know. But eventually there will be. And I don't want that to be. I know. It's there will be. And I don't want that to be. Yeah, it's my I know it's my own paranoia. But then I saw the point is I saw another 77 Lincoln Continental Mark five.

A newer model. Yeah. Down there at the gas station. And I stopped and I'm looking at him. Go. Maybe I should. I'm going. No, that's the whole point.

You're salivating over a 77 Lincoln. It's fucking, it's as gorgeous as that thing. What color is it? It's like a fucking weird, I'd call it salmon, but it's like, yeah, it's a very weird color. Yeah. And fucking crushed whatever velvet seats. It's just like the same reason I bought this.

It looks cool, but yeah, i don't need the fucking prize just i buy these problems because i'm bored so i buy myself a fucking problem someone who actually knows about cars and i just panic anyway so yeah you've come down you fucking get this thing and then we'll wine you and dine you. We'll put bingo in the trunk. Pizzarama. And here's my idea. Tell me, for the Killer Termites baseball team, I found my billy ball angle. I should probably sell this idea.

The fact that I'm giving this away on a podcast, this is how I make any team a winning team, is I hire sociopaths. There's going to be a battery of tests to prove that you are, in fact, a deep-seated sociopath, because that would take out the whole home field advantage. Because it's amazing to me that

these guys are professionals they're the best at what they do but home field advantage in sports is such a deal breaker it's such a game changer that someone's booing you or clapping for you but a fucking actual sociopath that just can kill indiscriminately and not feel any kind of emotion. Wouldn't give a fuck if someone's clapping or booing. And then home field, half of your season, now you're just as good as you are at home. It's a mathematical, it's just as good as the Billy Ball idea.

It is Billy Ball? Was it Beanie Ball? What the fuck is that movie? It's Billy Ball idea. It is Billy Ball. Was it Beanie Ball? What the fuck is that movie? It's Billy Ball. Anyway, people out there know what I'm talking about. So that's what we're going to do with the killer termites when we get this team together. All sociopaths. Money Ball. That's the one.

But yeah, I thought they were calling it Billy Ball because it was Billy something that I know I'm right. God damn it. What do you got? Oh, hey, we got Kimbo Slice, Uphill Dave's nice lady. And she's got word of the day. She said this earlier. And so I walked out. I was feeding the dog meat to shut him up.

I heard the word, but I didn't hear the meaning. So tell us, what is the word of the day? The word of the day is sockdollager. Sockdollager? That's fun to say. And it means a forceful blow. I'll sockdollager you right in the nuts. Exactly.

Oh. Oh. A forceful Exactly. Oh. Oh. A forceful blow. Sorry. Thank you. I forgot. I have that in my notes, but I went over it. Amy Bingo Buttercheese Bingaman, for the second time in a show,

actually the many-eth time since you've lived here. Many-eth. Yeah, that's the other word of the day. That's my own word of the day. Yeah, she fucking knocked her head open yet again. Coming out of the crawl space over there at Black Knob, which I thought would hold a lot more. I haven't been in there forever.

That doorway is maybe three feet from floor to the... Once you get into the crawl space, you can stand up. Yes. And someone who ever lived there had like a whole workshop down there. He's a mechanic, definitely, because there's a lot of tools. So whatever leftover riffraff from Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man that wasn't pillaged, you were going down to see what's left and if you could store t-shirts and shit down there you can get us some stuff too yeah and uh and bingo trying to come up through the doorway

you can stand up but then you have to come through the foundation she fucking broke her noggin open put a big split in her head i get a call from chaley so i know he goes hey can you come over to black knob right now he didn't say why. So I go, oh, I thought it was something Tracy was working on for the Killer Termites Facebook page that I had to see. And then I called Bingo to see where she is. And she goes, I thought she was all sad from looking at Whiskey Girl stuff. She goes, no, I split my head open again. She thunked her melon on the way out of that crawl space. And she said, oh, blood. I walk in and she goes, yeah, blood was running all down my face. And all I could say was, did you get a picture? I got the first thing I did when you're in the

ambulance from when you had a seizure i got my camera out and i tweeted to the fans and chaley's what was your excuse who thought i i was really she had blood like like two streams of it going down from like her hairline above her like right eye all the way down her face and then on her palm like that pete townsend photo from fast size ridgemont high where like he like he played guitar so like like viciously that his hand was bleeding and it was like all those like w like andrew wk in that like where he's bleeding i'm looking at bingo going like what the fuck happened to you i'm looking at you just like that because of those references they're they're anyway they're so anyway the point is you didn't think to take a picture and no i was worried

so so then i said wow then your head's fine and i left because you really were upset that we didn't take a picture and i was very upset i blamed tracy because bingo doesn't get mocked enough she doesn't get made fun of enough just the trail of blood that's still in her hair right now is is pretty insane all right well we're gonna wrap this podcast up and go back to being uh pleasant uh we have uh classic new t-shirts wait what's a classic new t-shirt well Well, we resurrected two of the old styles. Why don't you do these announcements? You hand them to me. Am I a sponsor? I get a fucking tweet last night from

Craftsman Tools. Yeah. And it said, hey, Doug, we have this new product, and they named it. We'd love to hear some of your great comedy. We'd love to hear some of your ideas to we love your great comedy we'd love to hear some of your ideas to put into our new pub shed hashtag pub shed and then of course i look at their twitter feed and it's them all asking comics or famous people to and they don't even follow me

and i'm like hey you know what if you want if you think I'm such a great comic, why don't you follow me before you try to get me to be an unpaid shill? Big fan. Big fan. Suckers. But okay, we have the old t-shirts by popular demand. Not old. Classic. Classic t-shirts.

And today, Earth Day, just pretend it's Earth Day when you're listening. It's a recycled design. Because no one cares when it is Earth Day. Just pretend it's Earth Day when you're listening. It's a recycled design. Because no one cares when it is Earth Day. So just pretend it's today and still do the same nothing you did on April 20th. Second. 22nd. 20th second. 420, 422.

There's many Earth Days, dude. Yeah. Abortion is green. That was the only T-shirt that I can remember of my own, other than Killer Termites now, That was the only T-shirt that I can remember of my own, other than Killer Termites now, that I would wear just because I loved people getting curiously, oddly upset. Someone confronted me in an airport, and I could have had him kicked off the plane. We're in line to board the plane. That's not even true.

Why? He just started yelling at me. Actually, it's even true. Why? Just started yelling at me. Actually, it's incredibly true. NPR was talking about it today with some coral reef that's getting fucked apart. And the guy said, well, people say the global warming is the problem, but that's not the problem. He's not saying there's no global warming. He's saying that the problem is there's too many people. He's not saying there's no global warming. He's saying that the problem is there's too many people. And whatever coral reef he was speaking of, he said right off the coast,

there's however many fucking million people chopping it away and using it as their own private swimming pool. Because people don't care. You pick up fucking litter all day long in the United States. That doesn't make all the fucking filth factories in third world, Indonesia, China. They don't give a shit about that. They want to eat a meal, and that's all they fucking care about. And you're never going to make them care about the earth when they're just starving or barely. Yeah.

I repeated a lot of this on Anthony Cumia today. That's a good ad. No, I'm repeating it now. See, now I'm getting drunk. I said it. Now I'm just repeating what I said there. It doesn't matter. Death of a salesman.

Of course, Jesus on the cross. Death of a salesman. A fucking classic. So, yeah, those are all back up because Chaley needs to stay in business. And so they're online now at DougStanhope.com along with my dates. I don't think we've added any more UK dates, but we will. Hammersmith sold out. Oh, it is?

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I don't know why I put it up. Well, so to remind me to rub it in their fucking faces that it sold out. And that's it. We'll play do you have anything weird from the Matoid we're going to play that song that you wanted me to play

something card related you said no that's for something else this is the last podcast before enough of our quibbling play the Matoid we'll see you next time yeah thank you very much, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I am born to lose, and gambling is for fools, but that's the way I like it, baby. I don't want to live forever.

Don't forget the joker So if you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man You win some, lose some It's all the same to me The blesser is to play, it makes no difference what he said I don't share your greed, the only card I need is the ace of spades Playing for the high one, dicing with the devil Going with the flow, it's all I came to be

Going with the flow, it's all I came to be. Seven or eleven, steak eyes watching you. Double up or quit, double stakes or split, the ace of spades. Ace of Spades Who sing for the empty I know you can't see me We, them and we The dead man's hand again I can see it in your eyes

Take one look and die The only God you see see it in your eyes. Take one look and die. The only God you see, you know it's gonna be the ace of spades. The ace of spades. The ace of spades. The ace of spades. Everybody

go. Cause I'm Paul too. And capping is for fools. But that's the way I like it baby I don't want to live forever Don't forget the joker I am bound to lose and gambling is for fools But that's the way I like it baby I don't Hey, I am bound to lose And camping is for fools But that's the way I like it, baby I don't want to live forever Don't forget the joker

Don't forget the joker Don't forget the joker Yeah, thank you so much Thank you Yeah