The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #70: Intervention and Racist Tweets

Episode Date: April 28, 2015

Intervention and Racist Tweets.Recorded April 213, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Intervention on A&E - http://www.aetv.com/interventionIntervention Participants who have Died - http://bit.ly/1GCBqKb and https://youtu.be/9eLOW4lYPQkThe Mattoid sing "Hello" Youtube Clip (22min in) - https://youtu.be/VYLxBvSjIjAMarconi Bologna (@marconibologna) - http://marconibologna.tumblr.com/Intro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Hello” written by Lionel Ritchie. Covered by The Mattoid at The Exit in Nashville, TN. Mishka Shubaly available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one we'll take in tonight

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's yet another installment. One of these might be fucking gold. And you're just like, alright, we have to talk into a microphone. Tracy's getting on mic. She might not talk, but Tracy, the Mrs. Chaley, the trailies, Tracy and Chaley, the trailies, the trail mix. How about that?

We call you the trail mix. The bretches, the trail mix. Only if one of us was black. If one of us is black. Were you trying to fucking lead me right into where I'm going? No, I don't know where you're going. I'm going to fucking intervention. Intervention is back on the air, and I didn't know about it.

They canceled intervention on A&E, and then they started it in March of 2015, the year of our Lord, the Jesus Christ, the white one. All right, let's make this wicked racist. Yeah, no one fucking told me. That was the most fun ever. I was so sad. Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab made me sad when that went off the air. Because that was just straight up hatred with a point i hated that for a reason and then you watch shit like bar rescue where you just hate because that guy's such a fucking enormous dripping cunt but there's no i can't

you just look like an asshole when you bitch about like watching if you watch the Kardashians or Jersey Shore, the ones I won't even watch, because it just, you just sound dumb for complaining about it because you watched it. Complain about dumb things. Dr. Drew, I had legitimate points because you're a medical professional and you're doing a disservice to people.

Intervention, I found fascinating and it still falls into that AA doctrine, but I also love to watch it for all the wrong reasons of watching people fuck up. So if I was off, I'd open a bottle of wine on Intervention night and take a Xanax and then sit there and just enjoy the shit out of all the fucking stumble bums. And then it's been on for a fucking month,

and no one's tweeting at me, of all the fucking stumble bums. And then it's been on for a fucking month. And no one's tweeting at me. Hey, new intervention, buddy, guy. But I don't think other people knew it. Last night, I found out about it. So now you can binge it. Well, yeah. You have demand. No, it's not on.

I don't know how on demand works. I know how to record shit. So eventually they'll repeat. You'll catch up. you'll catch up you'll catch up and even if they're old ones i probably don't remember them i went on the internet you can find out all the people that died which i've done with uh all the bar rescue kitchen nightmare shit all the bars they failed at but no one died like when when you fail at intervention the dude's dead so there's been like nine people and then i like, I don't know if I remember like that episode.

And I'm not going to go watch him online. So anyway. There's a website? There's a website. People who died from intervention. Where are they now? Well, evidently the season started with a where are they now. Probably avoided a lot of the dead people.

Probably had one token dead person but there were like nine that died that they say was a direct correlation to their addiction and then there's other people that just died uh one guy one guy killed himself in a police standoff which is great and i'm like oh now i want to go back and watch that i'm supposed to be writing a book here for god's sakes now they release the new intervention you're throwing every kind of distraction that i can justify at me so yeah it's back out there intervention is back on the air i should have been live tweeting this i mean i have a role play. I have my little niche in society. I have a role where I should be on Twitter during brand new interventions. There was a crackhead last night. It was, I think, a week old.

They led into the new one with the last week's whatever is a crazy crackhead this is the best part when intervention because they have that fucking jeff von vonderen van vonderen the uh leader the walrus mustache i don't know if he has upper teeth or not that's every time i watch a good mustache i think it's for a reason i think it's hiding his lack of upper teeth which i wish i could do uh that guy he wasn't on this episode this guy was a crazy crackhead but what the whole point of an intervention is to step into the person's life and say i'm not going to support you anymore i'm gonna i'm not gonna pay for your drugs i'm not gonna help you do this and that. You're not going to live rent-free in my basement anymore, sir. But this guy was a great example.

He doesn't talk to his family. He lives in a junkyard for free to do the work he does in a junkyard which is mostly strip copper that they don't care and then sell it for crack he smokes crack but the family's an old dude he's like fucking our age and he lives in a junkyard for free he's not he's not fucking up anybody's life but his own so they do this intervention he's like nah nah and they have nowhere to go they can't say well you know what i'm not gonna uh what you're not gonna what nothing i'm not gonna return your phone calls that you don't make to me i don't call you now if the junkyard guy walked in, there'd be something to explain it to do. They actually got into a

fight with the junkyard guy, but the junkyard guy needs a fucking crackhead because he's stripping all these parts off of cars. He's doing busy work. He's a lot of busy work. Got any blenders I can take apart? Yeah. Oh, you get the copper and I get the alternator that I can sell to a dude. The orange stuff?

I'll take the orange. Yeah, I like the orange stuff. So they got nothing. And the guy says, all right, I'll go. And he's smirking like, whatever. I'll fly around. He's fucking with him. He was going, all right, will you accept this gift? He's like, not unless I actually said this.

He goes, what if the plane crashes? And he's smirking. He goes, all right, I'll go, but I need a parachute. Awesome. He's fucking goofing on him. His caveats on his savior. He's sitting there going, this is what I do. All right, you don't want to talk to me because I smoke crack.

He almost made really good sense like you can see with cigarettes you know that's going to kill you i did that to my mother to some extent like all right you're already in a position where you can't walk flat surfaces without taking a break and getting your wind that's bad like i don't know what you like how far do you want to so it's the same thing did i say okay mother i'm well to an extent i did all right yeah i'll fucking i'll take you down yeah when your horse comes up lame but he had he was just goofing and at the end he made it 11 days in a rehab and then left and now walked out he's smoking crack again sure stripping lots of copper the fucking jeff van vonderen intervention guy the walrus mustache guy there's episodes where he's like threatening well we're gonna call the police he's just anything to make you go to rehab it's

blackmail well you know what if you don't go to rehab we're gonna take away your cats that's what i think they did to the huffer girl the most famous intervention girl allison remember allison that huffed the uh who doesn't the the the keyboard the keyboard cleaner yeah the uh she was a compressed air to clean out the keyboard yeah she she stole my heart they did a where are they now and she's all clean and boring oh i hate it when a girl stops huffing keyboard cleaner anyway they had nothing to just what are you gonna threaten me with and he went all right i'll take a free flight. I'll hang around. But he just loves smoking crack. What's wrong with that?

He's a little sketchy. I wouldn't hang around with the guy. I don't want him here for football, but he wasn't stealing people's shit or anything. Chad, follow that guy wherever he goes. His daughter was, well, I want you to be there when the baby's born. Don't you want to be there, Dad? Uh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

I haven't looked at a pussy the same way since I saw you fucking burrow your way out of one. But sure, I want to be there. Well, I'll need a parachute. When your husband's ruined for life i want to be there for that moment and i tweeted that she's about to marry she's about to marry her husband who's a black guy so i tweeted that wait the crackhead's daughter is marrying a negro and they're doing the intervention on the crackhead get your priorities straight a and e which if you hear me say it like that probably funnier than reading it as a stranger but then i kind of hope i was hoping

to get some shit from that and i didn't because uh no one cares what i say i i i like to assume that people just know how I'm saying it, but the truth is probably people don't give a fuck and they probably weren't watching Twitter right then. One girl. And I thought it might be fucking Nia because her, her Twitter handle was at cold lotion. I thought it might be Bill Burr's wife. I'm like,

she goes, maybe you need the intervention. And I went, I, cause I was still sober at this point, I tweeted back. I said, my friends wouldn't give me an intervention unless there was an open bar. Yeah, I'm not in the intervention threat zone, nor am I in a place where anything I say can be held against me. It's fucking funny, but you get the same shit. I think we,

there was, was it the Floyd podcast? We talked about this, whatever you did, a Matt Becker podcast, the up near the wild podcast. Near the wild with Matt Becker and John Norris. And then you got a fucking tweet calling you a racist and you couldn't figure it out.

And now you got a fucking tweet calling you a racist and you couldn't figure it out. And now you went back. I only started actually paying attention to Twitter recently. Yeah. When I realized people could notify you directly. And so I was in there because I'm monitoring things for the web store and stuff. Like we've got the T-shirts and stuff for sale. Just trying to make sure everything's cool. the t-shirts and stuff for sale just trying to make sure everything's cool and someone comments about how i made a joke on the near the wild podcast after becker said something that i made

a joke jk i guess there's there's a lot of abbreviations going on no joke like you made a jk after houdini 357 which is beckercker. I'm having to decipher all this, so I don't even know what's happening as I'm reading it until I get to the end where it says, Greg Shaley racist. I'm like, well, maybe a poor choice of words or a bad joke, but a racist? Really? First of all, I can laugh at fucking racist jokes all day.

I can laugh at jokes at anyone's expense that doesn't make me not like them. I fucking secretly hate people. I told you about that fucking kid in Safeway. I had to go to the other side of the fucking Safeway because, like, straight up what's eating Gilbert Grape, the Leonardo DiCaprio stomping and I'm like, I can't fucking deal with this. And I just, yeah,

my fucking spine was upended like a cat in a pack of pit bulls. And just because no matter where you go, that kid's going to find you. The point is i need mole sauce and he's gonna end up there is that original sin is fucking hating being around that we've talked about this where the the fucking you know low watt gurgler in the high back chair at a fucking highway rest area you know burger king they're having a wipe slop off his chin. And it sickens me. Not that, yeah, no, it's sad.

But watching food dribble down someone's face, I don't care if you're drunk. It just, it makes me physically upset. Am I a bad person? I didn't like go over and slap the guy. I know he's got a fucking problem, but I have a hard time looking at that problem. If you have a weeping sore on your forehead

that erupts pus like Mount St. Helens every couple of minutes, am I a fucking asshole because you have a disability? I just can't be around that. It makes me physically distressed. I have all the sympathy in the world for you. But there's other shit that's fucking funny and yeah laughing you don't make fun of someone but you can laugh behind people's backs that's what we do we've talked about this we've talked about laughter is an involuntary.

And so is fucking anger and hatred. I didn't tweet the Negro. She's marrying a Negro because that's green room funny. And that's what I do for a living. I bring the green room to you. So go fuck yourself. I just wish that I was in a position where I would have to be. They're demanding that you make a public apology. There's a press conference scheduled at Bisbee City Hall at noon for your Negro tweet.

All right. That would never happen. Yes. And Cold Lotion still follows me and she's cute. I wouldn't do it because I'm scared of black chicks. But in theory, but your racist comment that you had to fuck my racist comment, you had to track it back like a fucking private detective. You had to go back through and listen to the podcast to see what I would say was even close to racist. And it was. I had to listen to the podcast to see what would i say was even close to racist and it was i had to listen to a podcast that i edit to find out what was mildly racist that i could have

said because i produced the motherfucking thing how did this get by me i'm the one who you have to say it i put the listen to it repetitively to edit it and still you have to say it and then listen to it repetitively to edit it. And still you have to have forensic knowledge to find the, where's the racism? It's like, it's like Dateline NBC. Well, what,

what could have caused this? What kind of weird poison? Backtrack it. You have to go back. And if the, what are they thinking? Well, we were talking about the recent emergence of bears in Anchorage early, much earlier than usual.

So there's a lot of bear sightings in town. And John Norris started talking about the time that a couple that he knew wanted to do a wedding video up off of a trail. So they all had to go hiking. So they parked their cars and they all head up there and then he said the only problem was like some some of the gals were lagging behind trailing back and becker said matt becker said if yeah well if they if they trail back too far you're allowed to have sex with them and john said what with the bears, which was funny. Right.

And not racist. And then I said. Unless you're a bear. And then I said, well, that's. If you're a bear that's been raped, which is never funny. See. Bear rape jokes never funny, but you didn't go that way. No.

I said, well, not if the Indians don't get them first. Not if the Indians don't get them first not if the indians don't get them first thinking back to oregon trail and like if you if the if the uh the wagon trail spread out too far the indians would pick up seeing this it's no no no it's too much the point is the fact that you thought that and instantly thought well we're talking about like like uh pioneer days like because not everyone certainly that's the west that's not the rule in anchorage right now that if a girl trails back from the group you're allowed to fuck her on the trail i mean or maybe i'm not aware of all the rules first of all no one would go back to old west times because no one gives a shit about i played organ trail i had a 486 dx2 point is it doesn't doesn't matter my comment was straight up

racist and it's making fun of racism no one said a thing cold lotion said something yeah point being either way i think racism is stupid and funny. So when you make a racist joke, you're making fun of racism. And if you don't like it, I don't give a fuck. I have no network that I have to make a false apology to keep my TV show on the air. And if you don't get it, well, then you get out of the fucking green room well there is the doug's but when you actually have a legitimate historical perspective that makes it even more frustrating and it's so hard to not fight with that one random ass oh my god yeah that was everything a million people if you tweeted that and a million people got it in

favor there's one asshole and you're like you want to beat on that and they're retarded people they're stupid they're a few levels above retarded i've brought this up in my act several places where retarded people it's a matter of iq points so if you are just a couple of iq points above retarded you're just stupid and you can you get free reign yeah if you get a little bit dumber no one could fuck with you for saying something stupid because you're retarded but if you're just dumb you can say all this shit in the world and you're a middle mind and you destroy everything. Middle minds are the problem. Just someone who's an average dude.

Average dude is the fucking problem. Retards don't do damage. Negroes. And I spelled it out. Negroes. That was funny. He's trying to get. Sometimes when you try to tweet offensive things, I saw one I favorited today,

but he put it in quotes. I think it was about Madonna. So something about women on television over 45 or shriveled up hags that should die. I'm paraphrasing poorly unless they're betty white old and then you can put them back on and make fun of them or something to that effect just uh something i read and i fit but he put it in quotes and said uh the the internet like signed this is the quote women over 45 should die unless they're the quotes sign the internet so he's saying that's what people on the internet say well you know what i don't i don't want to

you know i don't like to use those safety valves because they don't have to it's fucking funny when i saw the negros written, I imagined you in a white linen suit. No, it's the blue pinstripe suit. This is my visual. I'm telling you my visual. You in a white suit with the Colonel Sanders bow tie and a mint julep saying Negroes. His daughter's marrying a Negro and they're doing the intervention on the crackhead. His daughter's marrying a Negro and they're doing the intervention on the crackhead.

I'll show you the suit because we talked about that fucking pinstripe. Very thin, light blue and white pinstripe. All the whole suit. And I go, this is like Southern sitting on the porch drinking lemonade suit. And you had one that's kind of similar. Anyway, we're going to drift off into falling in love over each other's outfits your fucking outfit at baseball that day for old-timey baseball with that hat god damn it i thought i had the old-timey suit i have one old-timey chalky white from boardwalk empire suit and then you showed up with that hat not trying to one-up You one-up me every time. Listen, I went to my closet.

I didn't go out and try and find something. You bought me that hat. I remember. The hat looked fucking brilliant on you. You broke it out. It just made me look like shit. They tried to get me to the guy down there. He was playing on the team that day.

Who wasn't? The old-timey guy. It was a was playing on the team that day. Who wasn't? The old-timey guy. It was a kaleidoscope of team colors out. He said, don't you remember me from last year at baseball season? We did the five-man wave. I'm like, yep. Yes. I remember exactly.

Sir, you don't mean five-man waves I do a year. But he's like, will you come down on whatever date and throw out the first pitch for little league and i have arrived mr stanhope you have arrived i just walked in so i didn't have any bullshit excuse ready and i told him about the time i tried to throw out the first pitch three times at a regular game this is just a fucking adults game and i went out there and i to say that i throw like a girl i would have to make the public apology to women

that that's an apology i'd make if i said i i'm sorry i throw like a girl no I throw like a girl. No, I throw like a cat. Trying to throw like a girl. I throw like a thalidomide child. Honestly, the first two pitches went between first base and home plate, almost even. My delivery, I didn't release the ball till it was so close it hit close to the ground and rolled closer to you than the batter oh it definitely hit close to me okay it just two times and the people in the stands know i'm a comedian so they

think i'm oh overly fucking it up. No, that's the best I could do. And the third time, I just threw like a girl. I lobbed it up. No underhand? Underhand, you would have been a better shot. Underhand. In fact, underhand would have been funnier. I did it overhand. I shot the third shot

like I was shooting a basketball. And still like the most feminine princess. I won't say a girl because that's too... That's not feminine enough? I shot like a little... Like I was wearing a ballerina's

outfit. I was nine years old. And that went towards home plate. It hit before it, but at least it got to where the catcher. So I try to quickly sober, you know, two in the afternoon, explain this to the guy. Well, can I just, I try to get ahold of you on Facebook.

Don't read Facebook. It says on my Facebook, don't read Facebook. Email me, and I gave them the address. And then when I got home, I had time to articulate some bullshit, say listen. And it's true, first of all, and the main reason, it's Little League. Most of those parents, if they knew who I was, would not want their kids to know what I do for a living. They don't want their kids listening to my shit. want their kids to know what i do for a living they don't want their kids listening to my shit and if they don't know who i am well you're gonna say oh is a big time comedian who's gonna throw

out the first and they're gonna look it up and they're gonna fucking hate me at safeway this whole fucking 10 years of existence is just trying to not be hated where you live. And I have an act. What do you do for a living? I'm an actor. Well, what do you do? Gaping anal porn. What movies can we see you in?

None. Don't look at my movies because I'm not a different type of actor. Do gaping anal porn. The gaping anal porn of comedy. So, had to i had to beg out and say no and then then you go is that guy gonna think i'm a prima donna because i said no to throw i know i'm trying to save you man yeah yeah you're doing him a favor yeah but then then you go do i look like a cunt oh he's too good to come down here and throw out a first pitch you know you're not gonna be there when mom mother little league goes oh and then some celebrity threw out your first pitch didn't he daniel didn't he throw out your first pitch daniel let's look him up on the internet what

was this did you write that name down russell let's look him up on the internet. What was his... Did you write that name down, Russell? Let's look him up in front of everybody. Here's him standing... My God! You and the two asses at the Portland radio station birthday party. That's just a picture. That always

comes up. I'm just saying that that's one of the things that always comes up. You with two naked asses from strippers in portland i remember top 10 i remember that day i remember there was a girl i was trying to not cheat on back then and it's the chris rock bit there's there's a few bits that you know that you go, fuck, I wish I wrote that. There's a lot of them. But that's one that's always there is a man is only as faithful as he has opportunities. Chris Rock. As successful as he is.

I hope I'm not doing that a disservice. You did it. It's good. And that was probably one of those times if one of them had just grabbed me by the collar and drug me in a fucking broom closet, I'd have probably fucked her. But they didn't because we're on morning radio. Afternoon radio. Afternoon radio where the host. Oh, that was the day fucking Marconi.

He left the station. He walked out. He got all mad about something. We were all shit-faced on the radio, and he left mad. Andy Anders was there. Lonnie Bruhn. You on the mic. Oh, three comics on two mics.

Jesus. I hope I didn't have a show that night. No, it was the day before. We were promoting the show with Dante's, and that one guy had the tiny. Tiny. Had the fucking six-pack of hot dogs behind behind his neck that's how fucking big tiny was we gotta look that up write it down and he had to he had to uh close the show because marconi left the station and like called back in to the station to tell us why he had a freak out. And we're like juggling strippers and going back on the air.

This was live. I don't even think they were strippers. They were just Portland girls. No, they were the girls just up the street from the hotel we stay at, the boutique hotel, the one we like. Oh, Jupiter. Just past the Jupiter, that place up there. I never left the jupiter i was

never sober enough to sometimes it was hard to get back to the room yeah so uh uh tiny anticles the show and the program the the ubiqu like always there's always that program director and like oh he's mad at us now this was a fucking thing we're like where the fuck is the host this is back when terrestrial radio mattered yeah afternoon Marconi was great he had a fucking blast Nick

Nick Nick Nick Miles was the I think the program director he was the English dude he had to be the program director. He was the English dude. He had to be the program director. And then they fired him.

Fuck. I have to avoid any kind of legal ramifications. But evidently, yeah, he was not having a good time in his life. And it came to a bubble. Yeah. I never knew that about nick oh shit i didn't know that about nick either but i i guess he's doing well now and marconi's somewhere they just looked him up always somewhere when we were in portland with fucking marilyn manson

afterwards when we're staying at that place the red lion by the airport that i fucking loved to drink the one bartender that was kind of, there was one really cool one, and then one guy, I don't think this guy likes us. He's just not real personable, but turns out he's like, yeah, I used to work with Christine Levine. Wow. So, yeah, I think they were radio people with Marco. Yeah, yeah.

Those were the days. And you know, when you were there, gold is what gold is. A man. That's bad. All right. Where are we going from this?

I have no idea. It doesn't, it doesn't matter. This won't air. This is just a birthday. We're just drunk. This is where he's drunk. We're just hanging around.

I know, but this is good. This is definitely going to air. What time are we at? I'm enjoying it. 30 minutes. We're just drunk. We're just drunk. We're just hanging around. I know, but this is good. This is definitely going to air. What time are we at? 30 minutes. That's a podcast. 30? 30 minutes. That's a fucking podcast. Tracy, you have to say something. Tracy has not said anything. You've never been on the podcast. You'll get drunk and chime in.

All you do now is you sit down there in the suicide house and you lick stamps. That's all you do. You you sit down there in the suicide house and you lick stamps. That's all you do. You lick envelopes and you send out merch. How long are you going to tolerate this from this man? I've tried to liberate you from this life. I stand up on the roof, and you don't know this, but I stand on the roof of the little house. And I see you in there doing dishes when you're done a long day of slave

labor in your Chinese factory of fucking merchandise. And I, I put a twist tie around my penis. So it looks like it's semi erect. And I, I flash glow lights at it. I'm like, baby,

baby, there's so much more. Look, there's so much more. I could give you a real life. And then you just slam the door. You spray mace out the back door. So many holes in your story. All right. Number one, that you could get that semi-erect. Clearly, everyone, any listener knows that's not going happen and number two that's a pitched roof why wouldn't you stand on the fun house where you could actually look into the window for the

kitchen because then the neighbors across the street on black knob will be equally disgusting i understand they would fucking come over the all those stray cats over there someone got a fish? My goodness. I had such fucking hopes and dreams. Go ahead. Are we doing Sambuca or are we doing Tawaka? Oh, shit. We haven't done Tracy.

Since you don't want to talk, will you make us a shot? No, it's not Tawaka. Tawaka, we already have. That's for fucking the... No, that's the vanilla fucking yeah i have that for mr dunwoody and mikey palmer they like that and they don't they haven't come around in a year and i keep stocking my bar with it mikey palmer he rarely drinks but mikey palmer was the first guy i fucking knew in this town that was my hookup. Oh, out here. Before I moved here. He's the guy that put me on the phone with Margo when I said,

I always thought about moving here. And he's like, well, then you've got to talk to Margo. She's the best real estate agent. And then the next thing you know, I fucking bought a house and I live here. How come you didn't get Margo back on the podcast? She's a day drinker. Well, the point is, well, we think of we day drink and then we go oh shit we should get margo she's already done in we have to schedule it we it it has to be serendipitous

we have to be out accidentally day drinking and run into her like we did yeah well hey if you listen to this in bisbee tell fucking margo we're desperate to have her back on the podcast. Just tell her we're desperate and we don't know how to ask. What did you say that made me say that I said something? I said something. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, the drink order. She's got Uzo or Sambuca.

Wait, no, the drink order. It's Uzo or Sambuca. I bought both of those going, and then I bought them both, because now since we're in a rolling downhill snowball effect, since the 30 days in the hole where we bought all this weird alcohol to make all these weird drinks, I'm going to have every fucking thing in my bar, and then I bought Uzo and Sambuca. At the same time.

I don't have those. At the same time. And then we're driving home, and I go, I think they're the same thing. I think they're both like, you know what? If you know who we'd ask Gus the Greek, he'd tell you. Yeah. That was shit. Hey, let's go to dinner tomorrow at Gus the Greek.

I can't. I've got to fucking write a book. No, no. You can take a break. That's the worst thing Hennigan ever said to me. Please hold. Ladies and gentlemen, play some music at home as we do a shot of either Uzo or Sambuca. What is it?

Uzo. Uzo. Please hold. It's fucking great. That's like the worst taste in the world. The licorice jelly belly. You don't want to buy the fucking $2.29 little bags of candy that I get at Ace Hardware. Ace Hardware. If you want candy.

Your candy stop and hammers. I go to fucking Ace Hardware just to buy candy. And I look like such a fucking tool. I act like they didn't have what I was looking for. And then I buy fucking candy corn, jelly belly, raspberry, blackberries, and then the licorice mix, which I only like the little. They're like good and plenty, but they're really, really tiny. Really tiny. They're gourmet candies because I'm a hot shot motherfucker.

I eat lumpfish caviar on your dime, motherfuckers. Yeah. Yeah. You buy that T-shirt. You buy that ticket to the fucking Canada tour. You know where it goes? Lump fish caviar, blue poops,

and then some high dollar candy that I have to walk into Ace goddamn hardware. And they're so efficient there. As soon as you walk in, can we help you find something? Well, the candy is a point of interest thing, so I'm standing Point of sale, right at the front. And then I have to do a lap around.

Do you have volleyballs? And sometimes they do. Like, I get tennis balls. The occasional times we play tennis, I will go there. That's your go- There's not a lot of shit in this town. We needed a pan for the turkey. Yes have it at ace hardware like they didn't have it at safeway no nope and

they'll go is gone they had two choices at ace hardware right yeah you pay top dollar but jesus you get it so when you go in to buy candy you you just have to suck it up. Yeah, I'm just here for candy. That's it. No. Do you have an ace rewards card? No, I don't. I come here for candy. Do you think I want a record of that?

Fucking Hennigan. Sabra hummus. You know, they just had that recall. Yes. I ate my. I had a 17 ounce or fuck that. I ain't giving that. Well, you'd ate half of it already.

Yeah. And I had no problems other than one of the most magnificent episodes of farts. I wish I had recorded. There were farts that you could like, like pitch. Yeah. I could have done, but, but, but, but, but not like the time. Seen to the death star no no we were at that hotel and i tried to fart to the tune of uh uh it's my prerogative bobby brown is in chicago bobby brown chicago i have no idea but i know he's no he's chicago because he's uh at the uh lakeshore is bobby

brown is fucking playing for some reason, not on our iPod. Why would Bobby Brown be playing? Well, Oh no, I was just singing it on checkout to where we were. I was in the room. Cause I was farting. And then I went,

I drew mud as I was trying to fart to the tune. This one, I could have fucking done a whole song for three hours. And it was that Sabra hummus night. If that's what listeria is then fuck give me more was it uh the right stuff no what what song was it my program you're right uh we were we were checking out because we had the cart out front oh we're checking yeah but we were in the room and it was a it was a i just throw away my underpants into the hall at the across the hall i don't think it is my prerogative but i'm not

gonna get caught up in this you you threw your dirty underpants that's right that's right onto the door across the hall from us. Right. Which, God bless that soul. I hope that he wasn't the first person to find it. I hope he already checked out because we certainly weren't an early checkout. But it was one of those things where you were very animated in the morning. You didn't have anyone to yell at. So you channeled it in to make everyone laugh. And there was a moment to where everyone in the room knew this just turned sour, which was awesome.

And then your fucking reaction to an open door with a cart was – I still don't think it's my prerogative. It's not. What's the fucking Bobby Brown song? God damn it. Everyone's going to fucking tweet me. Blah. But your only reaction to you shitting your pants was to-

I drew mud. There's a difference. You say shit your pants. Listen. You imagine this bulbous rub dangling. It was a scatter. And this is before Saks Underpants. I did have to throw away-

It was a scatter. But my point is, you're in a room full of comics. Everyone's crashed out. You're moving around. We're all trying to get our shit together. We got to get out. And your only reaction to splattering your underpants was to pull them off and to throw them at the door across the hall, which was beautiful.

Yeah, that's management. That's what you do. That's what you do. And now it's what you do. Now you know. That was the early days. Well, what do we do when Stan Ops shits his pants when he's trying to fart to his song at 1130 in the morning?

You throw him across the hall. Why are you asking me? Doesn't he know what to do? He better. I think it was the right stuff. No, it's not the right stuff. You know what?

We're at the end of this podcast, which is now we're going to fucking, we're going to, we're going to close on that song. And I'm going to, I'm going to close it by saying, Hey, fart along to this song.

Anyway, what was my point? It was all about what happened before Sabra Hummus. We are looking for a new name for the podcast. Hennigan. Was it Hennigan? Oh, the worst thing Hennigan ever said to me was, oh, yes, it was, about writing the book. He said, but I was thinking you'd probably do four days on three days off.

And I'm like, all right, this is my fucking three days off then. How many three days off can I put in a row? And that means I can do six days off and eight days on and keep. That means I can do six days off and eight days on and keep. Anyway, that's a podcast and you can fucking take it or leave it. All you people that voted for bingo's video. Well, you know what? That fucking 30 seconds it took you to do that.

Well, I do these podcasts for you. They're grade A, top quality. Just stop with the Google. Everyone's got their phones out. I'm trying to find a song. We're trying to make this brilliant. You can do this on your own. All right. I think it's my prerogative.

I think it's my prerogative. It is my prerogative because he only had that fucking. It's the only song I know. Doesn't matter. Put on Bobby Brown right now. I'm looking for him. First of all, get Listeria. Vamp for a little bit.

I can put it on Sonos. That's what I'm doing. I'm watching you. I'm vamping. Put on Bobby Brown. Get Listeria. Check and check. Eat 50% off meat that you already cooked and then is still left over

see we did talk about this the fucking farts were yeah we did talk we talked all about the farts jesus what first of all who tunes into this oh i hope Stan hopes coherent this time and doesn't remember that he had swan songs to that fucking day he farted so well. I'm trying to go into a Frank Sinatra song. I'm trying to. I'm going to play the song. I'm going to play the song right now. You don't play it now.

You played it. You edited it in. All right. I can't get play the song right now. You don't play it now. You play it. You edit it in. All right. I can't get it. All right. What we're doing, we're closing on songs of the Matoid that are not the usual Matoid song. Because we just say, play the Matoid. You don't know that this guy was a fucking vision.

He still is somewhere. He just lived in the United States illegally for decades? Like 15 years, I think. He got into America by going to South America. He was in Mexico selling jewelry or some shit. Coming up

from South America into the United States rather than straight from where he was from, which is Finland. Are you finished? Yes, good. Then give me the mic. That was United States rather than straight from the United from where he was from which is Finland yeah are you finished yes good then give me the mic that was Henry Phillips not the dog the comic yes uh yeah so he does uh brilliant things and we always close on party time which he hates to even play because that's his hit the best song ever. I fucking love that song. Yes, but the fucking, some of the shit. We've already played.

Funeral Party. We've never played Rat Poison. You can look up the Matoid, but the one that they sold me on when I first worked with them in Memphis, I can't remember the name of the club, but a little dirty rock and roll club where they, one of the first bands that I was ever paired with.

We put a band with you because we know you're going to love the matoid. And he said he does a cover of he explained it to me and it didn't do it justice. But I was already intrigued of Lionel Richie hello is it me you're looking for play the mattoid I'm a man of hope and fear inside my mind You're the dreams I keep so it's a thousand times Sometimes I see you pass, sometimes I don't Oh, I can see your eyes, I can see the things you want You know I am for you, but I'm not for the world Cause you're just one of them

You're just one of them You're not just a man You're not just a man I love you Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Yeah Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Sometimes I know what I will do I just got to get it on I wonder where you are

And I wonder what you do But it's so much beautiful It's so much fun to do It's so much fun to do It's all about love And I'm not just saying It's bad for me I love you Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, How does it feel? It's the best feeling I've ever had in my life I'm so happy that I'm standing on top I love you I love you

I love you I love you I love you I love you baby Yeah