The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #71: Bought into the Mayweather Hype

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Doug bought into the hype of the Mayweather fight.Recorded May 02, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Motern Media - http://moternmedia.com/Intro music "The Doug Stanhope Podcast" by Motern Media. Closing song Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles. Covered by The Mattoid.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Doug Stanhope is not above a poop joke. He's a genius, philosophical, comedic genius. But he's also well aware that farts are always funny. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Fart, fart, poop, poop. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Oh, yeah. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast.

All right, who was that? Who do you think it was? I have no idea who it was. Do you remember we were driving to Sierra Vista and we had that one CD that had 50 songs on it? Yeah, we were going to sushi. They were all poop. Modern media.

All right, well, yeah. Mishka, they didn't steal your spot, Mishka Shubali. But they stole it this time, and I appreciate that. That made me smile for the first time in three days. That wasn't a delirious, sick smile of dehydration. And God knows what I did. But I know what we did tonight. We bought the hype.

That's right. This is on the heels of the mayweather pacquiao and i i i said i'd hate myself if i bought this just because i'm only buying into the hype and but i know everyone around here was hoping i'd buy it and i wasn't gonna write a fucking thing and then i was just gonna sit in that fucking quiet house over there knowing i'm not lucid enough to write and i want to stare at the fucking thing so we did and now i hate myself it's like cheating on a girlfriend where you go oh i'm drunk and she's hot and she's giving me a handjob under the table

she'll never find that immediately when you come you're like ah fuck you just sat through 12 rounds of what you knew was going to be a horrific piece of shit not only sit through it but i had to fight with fucking direct tv to get it evidently oh so many people are realizing they're bored at six o'clock on Saturday. Fuck it. What's a hundred bucks? And so everyone was calling in at the same time. So I had to fight to get a piece of shit that I knew was going to be a piece of shit.

And then we sat through it. And yeah, here's the sad, dejected, I can't believe I just came on my friend's wife podcast. You're not going to say anything, right? We'll still like this. We'll just be cool. No, no, you're going to fucking hate yourself. Wait a minute. You called me.

You got a cab to come get me. Why are you kicking me out now? Well, the fight's over. I really love my girlfriend uh yeah so uh so we had to do it and hopefully that is the uh that's the funeral for boxing uh that's that's it like that's you now you know the only guys you even know their names in boxing is going to be a suck shit fight. It's not ever going to be UFC. All you complain all you want about grappling.

Watch that fight and then go. You know, I'd rather watch him grapple than not even get bruised. It wasn't a bloody nose. fucking brain damage honestly from one hour and 20 minute show anywhere i am on the road just from the fucking way i drink myself to death then they got they i wake up more bruised than they that i feel a hundred times more horrible than they will in the morning they're fucking partying right now they're not getting injected with fluids an iv yeah yeah they're not getting injected with fluids an ivy yeah yeah they're not being rushed to cat scans at the emergency room they're fucking they're probably hanging out together laughing about the fucking rematch i only saw him bring out that like cold piece of metal once

and i think it was for show i think well fred Roach, I think he was just giving advice in the corner for show because both Mayweather's dad and Freddie Roach, he's got Parkinson's and Mayweather's dad has fucking Mayweather's dad. And they were both just completely befuddled. So, yeah, I think it was all for show. But we had a good time, you know, just calling bullshit. But that's what I do.

I watch fucking reality shows. I go, that's bullshit. Intervention. This is fucking, you shouldn't be doing. I hate when I fucking buy into the hype of something I know is ridiculous. And then I'm going to call bullshit of something I know is ridiculous and then I'm going to call bullshit on something I know is bullshit and then pay $100

to watch the bullshit of my friends. That was $100? Yeah. $99. I'm not going to pay it. No. But when they had problems...

I know how to complain. Remember when I said for every minute it must be like 50,000 people that can't sign up because of the banks of phones? HBO and Showtime both registering people for that pay-per-view. Just the amount of time that – because they were vamping.

They were stretching because they couldn't get their shit together. It was an hour and a half from like 10 minutes before fight time to an hour and a half later that i was getting a rapid busy signal calling direct tv their number if you bought the fight 1-800-531-5000 that's 1-800-531-5000 call and tell them that you suffered the same fate that we had where uh the the fight just went out at the sixth round if everyone has the same story they'll go oh there must have been some weird out at the sixth round. If everyone has the same story, they'll go, oh, there must have been some weird shit in the sixth round. Or make up your own beautiful, creative lie and go, there's no way I'm paying. No, and I couldn't get through to you.

It was a rapid busy signal. I haven't heard a busy signal since 1996. It's a throwback. Do that throwback Thursday on your Twitter. You're all, THT or whatever the hashtag is. Yeah, say, oh, yeah, busy signal from 1996 calling DirecTV to order the worst, most boring. And boxing is fucking boring anyway now. Now that UFC, you watch UFC, you go, oh, Jesus, how did I ever sit through round after round of nothing?

And if you were excited because you heard people screaming, you were excited at people screaming. I'm glad I was here for the last one. This is it. Yeah, I remember when bowling was popular on TV, and I don't know if I saw the last great bowling match on Saturday afternoon, but glad to see the last one. Glad to see the last big roller derby that's not in Austin, Texas with a girl that might fuck you, but actually on TV. Hula hoop.

Yeah, hula hoop was big. They'd watch people do that and and then that went away in the 50s right and that was had its moment and boxing's moment has gone the way of the hula hoop and uh we were there so never do that again and participate in my shame because it's it's the it's the hate hype that mayweather brings for being not entertaining and he he's open about that well you know that sells tickets and i'm a businessman and i did that he acts as though he had a choice in being a villain he He's a fucking douchebag. He's a repulsive, awful human being on the level of Michael Vick. So to act like it was a conscious decision to pretend that you're a villain, no, you're a fucking asshole. You had no choice.

And you know that you stink in the entertainment value. So yeah, did you fucking beat women to sell tickets? Did you do that as a calculated business did you sit around a table with your fucking managers oh no i'm self-managed oh so you just beat women on the side you fucking hump yes no one respects you in 15 that's why i wanted to do this podcast now even though i haven't sorted through a lot of these thoughts, I wanted my hate to be visceral because I hate that I fall for it. I just watched that to hate you, and hopefully, I didn't even want you to lose. I wanted you to fumble badly.

I wanted you to be paralyzed. I wanted you to be Freddie Gray at the end of that fight because you're a cunt. I wanted you to be Freddie Gray at the end of that fight because you're a cunt. You're a fucking repulsive cunt, and you feed into nothing but things that destroy this country. Feeding into, oh, look at how much money I make. You know what? You're going to keep fighting, and you know you will because you have nothing else to offer. You're going to go for 50 to beat the fucking Joe Lewis record or whatever it is.

And then you're going to go for more because you need the attention, even though you haven't warranted it. So aside from dancing with the stars where you could be a real prick on that and everyone's going to tune in to watch you be a prick, they're still not going to remember you. And you won't be brain damaged because you haven't taken a fucking shot to the head. Well, he's a really good uh uh defensive boxer run in circles like fucking curly and three stooges on one foot and that's a defensive fight and you can say oh i'm with the greatest of all time you walked in with the fucking burger king guy who's been discontinued like he sits around justin bieber's with burger king no bieber and the burger king fucking mascot that they discontinued and you say they fired the ad agency they fired like that we we need we need to divorce ourselves from this creepy motherfucking plastic head mascot and uh yeah then they wouldn't yeah well my beef with burger king goes

back to their product no one's no one's buying tickets to burger king or buying their burgers because oh yeah they're fucking awful but you love to hate them no no they're just awful and shouldn't exist what was uh what the fuck was on last night? Or was it some sporting event today? Oh, Kentucky Derby, Kentucky Derby, where they are doing.

Oh, the yum. We're the yum coalition. We're sponsored the Kentucky Derby. I know. And they're fucking, they're also the worst Kentucky, Kentucky fried chicken,

a pizza hut, pizza hut and taco bell, uh, anywhere but in America. Yeah, that's where you walk into the airport. I think that's what they have in Costa Rica at San Jose. SJO. Hey, fucking quiz me on airport names.

Monikers, not algorithms. What the fucking abbreviations. There you go. But it's not actually. It's there. Whatever. abbreviations. There you go. But it's not actually... Whatever.

I did notice that Yum bragged that every 13 hours they open another franchise in China. I'm sure they do. That can't go wrong. Just like Burger King, they open up where there's no competition. They love no competition.

We've been over this. we've been down this road there's shit taco bell all right you can swallow that every now and again but you're in bad company and you're in bad company if you're fucking with floyd mayweather's posse right now actually no the posse will you know they'll milk that story longer than you can milk being floyd mayweather i was i know i pretended to be a dick no you're a fucking dick that's all you know how to do and then you like he was being booed by his hometown crowd he's you're not pretending i've seen people pretend to be a dick and pretend to be a villain you're not doing that you're how all right who are the most uh polarizingly repulsive characters justin bieber and that burger king guy i googled it i went with

the top two things i saw i don't even put any effort into being a bad guy i beat my wife well i'm trying to make some changes you should have done that when you were fucking 10 you pretending to be a bad guy is like uh uh physically upsetting to look at fat girls that go goth like it's a conscious decision to be not attractive physically okay i was a pig anyway but you know what if i just slather on the pancake ghost white makeup and get some piercings and then embellish all my rolls in fucking tight lace stockings with a fat gut coming out and black in my hair. Oh, no, it's a decision. No, that's all you had to work with.

Don't tell me Floyd Mayweather could have been the nice guy just to sell tickets. You know what? I'm going to let someone else be the villain on this one. No, you're a fucking cocksucker. What do you have?

I had to get that out while the hate was still real. All right. I think I just got one of these in the mail today. Snail mail questions for Doug. No longer than a tweet. His was longer than a tweet, but still. If you want to snail mail questions, I'll occasionally answer them at 212 Van Dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 if you didn't

catch that rewind it or just google doug standup's address and i'm sure it comes up uh donations to chaley that's on the board i never plugged that i don't know how do you do that it's on the website all right yeah thank you for everyone doing that yeah thank. Thank you. And yeah, we don't, that's, that's some other day, that thing. New t-shirts. We get the old t-shirts back new and that's that. Go to the site. Abortion is green and death of a salesman. Plus we just, we just released the new Mishka Shibali t-shirts.

The one with the hyena on it. Trust me, and then the old one with the octopus. We're just selling them. We didn't release them. He released them. He released them. Distance yourself in case they stink. Yeah, now I'm getting some fucking dry heevy action going. All right, let's wrap this one up.

We got a fucking half an hour in. This is kind of a bonus one anyway. We have other shit to talk about tomorrow including amy bingo bingaman and her new uh new oh by the way yeah all that thing you voted for her other thing that wasn't her thing that video oh up above yeah they they lost but you got them into the finals and then it went to the judges and yeah so they went with something else so all that good work you did was for not and i hated to ask judges and yeah, so they went with something else. So all that good work you did was for naught and I hated to ask you

and now we're all depressed. Mayweather, bingo, Whiskey Girl video, but her actual, her own music, she has the video out now on YouTube,

on my channel, where to put the flowers, but tomorrow we're going to talk to her and we're going to interview her like she was a real guest and that should be fun. Whoever made the fucking the flowers, but tomorrow we're going to talk to her and we're going to interview her like she was a real guest. And that should be fun. Whoever made the fucking Twitter account Amy Buttercheeks has been tweeting some really funny shit as a bloated Amy Bingo Bingaman,

but Amy Buttercheeks, and it's very funny. So follow that. And whoever landed that Killer Termites at killer termites. And I said, uh, uh, Hey, good get,

I can't believe this wasn't taken. Well, it's cause we're not good businessmen. So, uh, and I said, Hey, good get.

And he turned it over to us without asking. He said, Hey, I don't have time to do this. Do you want the account? Fuck? Yeah, we want at killer termites probably be a while before we do anything with it,

but I got shit to do right now. I gotta fucking write a book. I have cold sweats coming in right now. I do have to shit again. I'm not gonna shart my sacks on air. So other people sent some really cool shit. I'm gonna wait till tomorrow, or you'll get it days later,

but I'll wait till the next podcast where I'll be prepared. But that fucking fight made me upset and I thought we should talk about it. And it's all my fault and your fault too if you watched it. Okay, hey, Chaley, while I go take a loose runny shit,

play the Matoid. Wait. The Matoid is on Twitter now. At the Matoid. M-A-T-O-I-D. The Matoid. So, yeah, you can follow him now. He'll set you up with some.

Oh, he's that fucking video he sent. Did you watch the one with the sheep, the Beatles cover? Beatles cover? Yeah. Eleanor Rigby. Eleanor Rigby. Oh, he did another one in a barn that I put up last week

on the last podcast. Oh, all right. But just the audio of it. Eleanor Rigby wearing a face that she stole. It's got to be the same one. He could have done a whole concert to sheep in a barn.

You don't pay them anything. They're going to sit there and... Well, play it again. Whatever the fuck it is. I got to go inside and take a shit. Oh, I've caught it. Listen. Listen. anything they're gonna sit there and well play it again whatever the fuck it is i gotta go inside and take a shit hello everybody listen listen picks up the race in a church where the wing has been lifts in a dream waits at the window wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for?

All the lonely people. But do they all come from? All the lonely people. But do they all belong? But do they all belong? Listen, Father McKenzie, write in the words of a sermon that no one will hear. No one comes near, look at him working, turning his socks in a night when there's nobody there.

What does he care? All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong? Yeah, listen, listen, yeah, look at all the lonely people. Look at yourselves. Ooh, look at all the lonely people. Look at yourselves. Listen, listen, listen, listen. Anna Whitby died in the church and was buried alone with her name. Nobody came. Father McKenzie wiping the shit from his hands as he walks from the grave.

No one was saved. All the lonely people. But did they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong? Yeah! Listen, listen everybody! Hey! Look at all the lonely people.

Fuck them all! Hey! Look at all the lonely people! Fuck them all! Look at all the lonely people! Fucking cocksuckers, all of them! Look at all the lonely people! Just fuck them! Look at all the lonely people. Yeah. Thank you so much. You've been great audience. Thank you so much. Yeah.