The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #81: Everything That Could Go Wrong in Canada But Mostly Didn't

Episode Date: June 19, 2015

It's a Canadian Tour Recap OR Everything that could go wrong but mostly didn't.Recorded June 18, 2015 at the Blackfoot Hotel in Calgary, Alberta with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing song "Double Dare" by Molotov Jukebox, available on iTunes. Mishka Shubaly's music and Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, it's the Doug Stanhope podcast. I don't know what day it is, but I know where I am. I'm in Calgary on day two of two shows in Calgary. And yeah, we've you know what? A lot of people email and say they're worried about my drinking and I guffaw at you you but uh yeah the last two days prior to this morning i even worried about it but there were two fantastic days we showed up at the winnipeg airport outside of security was this bar that had all every cocktail from the 30 Days in the Hole tin can rehab. Just all classic drinks, Negronis and old fashions. Not like on a chalkboard, but like a sign. And on a menu.

A permanent, yeah. Like, this is what we specialize in. And I said, can I get that now? And she looked at her watch. Yeah, it's just after nine so yes i'm like all right off and running uh through the night till 2 30 in the morning woke up and uh hair of the dog turned into a second day of 9 a.m until 3 p.m 3 a.m. until 3 p.m. 3 a.m. last night. And but we had a fucking blast.

There's nothing to complain about in Canada. I mean, there are and we'll get to it. There's a couple of fuck. I didn't pull up that email, but when we go to the commercial, I'll pull up that email. We get

a couple we printed off, but there's two specific ones i don't i won't even uh uh i'll just tell this one because i remember it because i just fucking read it but some guy said hey calgary show last night and he said my plan worked perfectly i came to your show and uh with my brother and my cousin and my very pregnant uh sister or sister-in-law and i thought maybe laughter would induce labor and it did she felt contractions during your show and this morning delivered a perfectly healthy baby and that's that's a very rare email for me to get a baby was born at fucking woodstock i'm listening to it it says like what's the angle yeah like like there's got there's got it's nothing more than than we had a great time and now i'm a father yeah she went into labor during the show. I didn't see a pregnant woman because, again,

I was at the apex of a two-day hard bender. Like, that was intervention drinking, and I never had more fun the last two days of that. I'm going to try to not make it a habit because this morning when I got up and I was outside having a cigarette at breakfast, which was lunch, we had Mexican pizza here at the Laugh Stop, is it called? Laugh Shop. Laugh Shop. And I called Bingo and my hand was shaking, holding my phone to my head.

I go, all right, this is probably enough. Maybe a Xanax and go back to bed uh but yeah it was a very nice email and we also broke up a couple last night oh yeah i was outside the bar after the show it's great when a lot of people don't hang out because i like to talk to a few people yeah you worked the room last night yeah i just you have to do it i was walking around telling people i'm the new owner of the bar and offering uh uh suggesting different appetizers they could have that probably don't even exist but yeah i was uh i was i was goofy i was loopy from two days of drinking and actually had fun hanging out because it wasn't a glut of people like toronto and i did hang out and try to talk to everyone and that's 1100 people or 1300 people that was when out on the street because they wouldn't let them back in after the show we had

the merch booth inside but anyone who went outside to smoke waiting for me to come out and sign shit and take pictures they wouldn't let them back in so i said to tell them after i'm done at the merch booth i'll come out and if they're still hanging out and a fucking ton of them did and i that was i was so uh blissed out is that some fucking weird stupid term that could be something that they say at burning man i guess i don't know but i was it was such a great show and the audience was so fucking good that I didn't even feel awkward at the merch booth, and I wanted to hug and take pictures with everyone. Some girl brought her abortion, like her receipt from her.

It was her, like, discharge paper. It was like when you get done with a procedure. Yeah, she wanted me to autograph them. I'm like, all right, that's a first. And then you announced it to the cheering crowd when you get done with the procedure. Yeah, she wanted me to autograph them. I'm like, all right, that's a first. And then you announced it to the cheering crowd when you held up. Yeah. It's like you held up the Magna Carta. She got a fucking round of applause at the merch booth for having an abortion.

Look at what I have. Yeah, that's way better than a baby being born at my show. But, you know, I'm against babies, but still, it's nice. And I went out. I was so fucking happy in toronto like almost like i was on ecstasy and i we went back to the hotel and chaley's parking the car and this fucking it's late car full of douchebags yeah it's like 11 30 yeah i mean it's early for us yeah i'm standing in the parking lot smoking a cigarette while you're getting the car parked.

And it's a weekend night and a carload of douchebags, you know, like we used to be as kids cruising. And they yelled something that at first I thought was yelling at me. So I immediately went into panic. I can't fight mode. Fuck you. I wish I had a gun. What are you saying? Are you free?

Yeah, I'm free. And then they drove off. And then a very large girl was walking down. Then she appeared on the sidewalk. And she looked like Christine Levine, big girl. And I realized she said, said they yelled you're fat at the girl and i i saw her just like the most dejected i'm alone at night and i i choked up like it was one of those it was like an ecstasy thing where your serotonin's

dipping and and she looks so hurt that I fuck her. I'm tearing up a little bit now recalling how awful I felt. And I said, hey, you're beautiful. I have a good night. I didn't know what to say. But and then I wanted to chase her down. And then I'm like choking up. I'm welling up with tears.

And that's when I walked up having not heard or seen anything but i walk up to you and you had your back to me and i was talking like this turn around you turn around i go are you crying i didn't know what was i couldn't i called the first thing i did was called christine levine and i fucking yeah it was i mean it was so fucking awful. And I reflect on how much shit I'd get for telling this story because a lot of my act seems very abusive, but just, you're fat, and then speed off, and then you want to kill the guy, and then I wanted to chase her down and bring her out for drinks,

which wouldn't have helped probably. And after the rape episode that we did with Jane Piper, I'm so terrified that there's been three times since then that I've had to get into an elevator with a single girl alone. And now I just, you know, I'm waiting for someone to go on that whole pedophile thing i did about myspace years ago was that all started when i lived in playa del rey and i was

walking back from the liquor store with a 12 pack of beer and a fucking broad daylight mid-afternoon and there's a little league game or something where the sidewalk is the outfield. And I just stopped to look cause some kids at bat and it's a fucking baseball game. America's pastime from the fucking outfield on my sidewalk. And some guy came up to me and go, can I help you?

And I realized he thinks I'm just fucking ogling children. And that's where that whole fucking pedophile bit started. Like, you can't just fucking look at a guy about to hit a pitch. Yeah. And now, since the rape episode, I'm afraid to walk into a fucking elevator with a woman alone without, like, it with hey i'm not gonna rape you i'm just by the way i'm going to three i have a key i have my key card out so don't look suspicious it's a fucking weird thing uh but yeah that that crushed me because the just the look on her face the gal on the street. Yeah.

Someone just yelled, you're fat. And it fucking broke me. I was startled. I mean, I was like, what could have happened in two and a half minutes? You're fat. Yeah. And it's not like you could probably take me to task on a million jokes that you think are that offensive. But I'm never trying to be mean yeah uh and it was awful i don't know if the guy had a really good punch line if i would okay

but that's that's kind of funny there's some shit you but it was just douchebags like the the like the dudes from leaving las vegas that fucking raped her in the hotel room. I don't know if you remember the scene. The fucking awful frat guy. Stupid fucking. Every reason I hate Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild is why I hated both from the rape podcast and the you're fat guy. It's not a rape podcast. Just so everyone knows,

the rape episode wasn't a situation that happened. That was the previous podcast. If you're not listening to these in order. Yeah. This will make them go back and listen to it. And thanks for all the good feedback. I was worried that people will go, Oh,

you're too serious. But it was, yeah, I, I, I thought, good feedback i was worried that people will go oh you're too serious but it was a yeah i i thought especially with this climate of whether rape jokes are ever okay who's better to ask than a comedian that has been brutally fucking raped and you know in the press and out about it yeah and uh yeah i wish i'd prepared more i didn't know that i was gonna see her till that day and i i would it was odd that she didn't remember his name so maybe a little fact checking a little due diligence on our part i felt like at first i was just i mean the story was brutal and i i'm going to default of i gotta be making jokes during this

podcast and no no i can i can let this go stop stop trying to force your way in to make it funny uh but last night there was a couple that again not a lot of people in the bar afterwards there's a bar like great fucking bar to the best bartender maybe ever in the world that we remember from two years ago. And we hung out and hung out with some people and chatted and I worked the room and I would go outside to smoke. And at one point, a girl I had been talking to where their boyfriend had been sitting with them, you know, rotating my assets, hosting. And she came out to the smoking area and a bunch of us are smoking and she's in the mental health field. Oh, yeah. Because I was kind of at the end of my rope drinking wise. I showed up and they were holding the show because the opener didn't show up

and I go fuck it I'll just do the show do it UK style where you don't have an opener they just go ladies and gentlemen please welcome Doug Stanhope and then you go out to a smattering of theater applause I can do that and they go well

wait there's a comic that's here for the show that we had just been talking about randomly the night before in Edmonton. And I go, oh, yeah, put him up if he wants to go up. And then they couldn't remember where he's seated. And I'm like, fuck it. He was a paying customer for the show. Yeah, but he's a known comic, Derek Sweet.

And we'd just been talking about him the night before. And I go, fuck where he's sitting and I just went up and introduced ladies and gentlemen your opening act tonight has no idea he's the opening act till right now so please welcome Derek Sweet and then I go into the fucking green room

which is beside the behind the stage which I hadn't even been in I'm just walking into the show and we just do this all quickly on the fly. We're in a hotel, so you can walk from the room to the show. Yeah, the showroom's in the hotel. And then the fucking green room's locked. So then I'm standing on the side of the stage

trying to get into this fucking green room with everyone staring at me and the poor kid trying to... And he fucking did great. For a guy who didn't know he was going on stage he went right into it and i'm so they finally get a guy over to unlock the green room it's it's a solitary confinement size storeroom totally which we're not unaccustomed to no but i go in there and it's just storeroom shit so as he's on stage I just started collecting a bunch of shit

like Steve Martin and the jerk just random shit all I need is a statement a light up pumpkin for I guess their Halloween shows they have fucking you had like one of an item from all of the major holidays you had a shamrock and a pumpkin You had like an item from all of the major holidays.

You had a shamrock. Yeah. And a pumpkin. I don't know why, but someone left two Jamie Kennedy DVDs back there. Who would leave a show and not remember to bring their Jamie Kennedy CDs or DVDs? So I had those, and I just came out with the arm loads of shit and I'm handing them out. It was fucking, I was goofy. It's nice when you can get into that headspace where you're like,

all right, don't be so like heavy handed. Let's be goofy. You've been drinking for 48 hours. And, uh, and whoever got the giant oversized light up pumpkin for a Halloween decoration, him and his girlfriend, I'm sitting with them.

And she comes out and talks to me because she's in the mental health field. And I have a giant chunk about mental illness. And we had a great conversation over two cigarettes, which she wasn't even smoking. But evidently, her boyfriend was sitting alone. I heard this from the table next to him the whole time like stroking his pumpkin and seething it seething like i'm banging his fucking girl in the back room now i was outside smoking with a bunch of people having a nice conversation with your girlfriend but when uh she came back, I heard about this afterwards.

I did not witness it. But, yeah, the table next to her said they got into a complete fucking blowout over why she was out with the comic and left him high and dry for me. And they fucking broke up loudly at the table and walked out. And that didn't make me feel good. I'd rather you had a baby at my show and i hate babies i don't want to break up couples we're having a fucking cigarette talking about retards for god's sakes and if you haven't heard the bit uh there's context to it uh i think I think just as a follow-up, I think she got the pumpkin in the breakup. He gave it to her, and then that was it. Well, yeah.

Good. Good. I'm glad you got the pumpkin, lady. Ditch pigs. That was in Edmonton. Yeah. We get a lot of nice stuff. lot of people gave me uh nice shit uh whoever gave me that uh plastic jug of vodka and grapefruit that i said i can't really take this

because we we haven't even got through our duty free booze we brought because we've been drinking at the bar i i can't take this on the plane but you know what? Maybe we'll get through it. Thank you. I'm drinking that right now. The fucking weird lady, the socially awkward lady that made me that, you know, that little picture I said. You said, oh, we can put this in the bathroom where we put all the fan art. Yeah, she made it herself. she made it herself the the the girls that were here last time that gave me the silver lame coated rubber fist trophy and then got really drunk and awkward they were in edmonton and they were drinking their fucking they not only did they smuggle in their own alcohol which i completely support because yeah the fucking ticket prices are are high and drink prices are wicked high in Canada.

So, yeah, you're going to smuggle booze in. I'm all for it. But you don't bring your own bottle of vodka and set it down on the table. And then when they come up, because they don't serve full bottles of vodka. Yeah, no bottle service at the comic store. Kind of stands out. And then when they came up to them and said, you can't have that here, they argued.

Yeah, you can't take my bottle. Yes, we can. And then they got thrown out three times because they came twice back to the merch booth. But they also knit uh not needle point needle point uh yeah a crocheted uh framed thing that says there's times to be dainty and there's time to be a pig which if you don't know the bit is uh my mother's last words those were my mother's last words and that is gorgeous but please don't fuck you not even in a paper sack they just brought

their own bottle of fucking gray goose or something that sat on their table like that's fine and their shit face they were shit face last time we met them here their shit face that time sloppy drunks but i really appreciate all the nice gifts and stuff and i've been trying my best to uh stay till the end of the line and do the autographs and as little picture taking as i have to because i i think a lot of times people think they have to get a picture because they see people in the front of the line and they're taking pictures and they go i guess this is what we're supposed to do if you don't want a picture you're probably never gonna look at it so so don't and just hug me if i had fucking ebola virus tens of thousands of people would be dead by now in canada just from contact yeah yeah from the thousand that i've hugged that you hug later uh and otherwise fantastic from the beginning montreal

we started always the best audiences in canada though other than the london show where i was fucked not like drunk fucked i would i started doing that uh rape podcast the rape episode and uh i was in it in the green room and uh then had to go straight from that into my set and i was so into talking to her about that that yeah yeah i kind of fucked you over but you weren't a great audience either so fuck you oh yeah that's the one where we had the guy oh yeah yeah you tell that story because i i walked out and there's a dude in two like leg braces like boots like ski boots that kind of broken leg it's not even cast like his feet were elevated it wasn't like he had two casts but then he also had this extension thing

to keep his legs up yeah he's in a wheelchair he's fucked up so i'm riffing on him and then from the back i see some dude waving a cane no it's a i mean uh yeah crutch yeah and i'm like this guy's in a fucking wheelchair with two broken legs i can't and in the light you can see him yeah you're doing a whole thing, a little bit of crowd. And then I see one guy waving his tiny Tim crutch. And so I flicked him some shit, but he kept going on and on. And I couldn't really hear him because it's a huge room. You just see a crutch.

You don't see who's holding the crutch. He's yelling some dumb shit but you talk to him well he kept yelling up to you and it wasn't like just a peppering of little comments he was like completing sentences that all you could hear was the like the charlie brown's teacher like mumbling right so i went up to him finally and i I said, that's enough. And I mean, I don't it doesn't say security on my plaid jacket, but he knows I'm with the show. And he goes, no, that's OK. I'm a comic. You got to razz them once in a while. Yeah. Like an old dude, like an old dude. Yeah. And, you know, broken leg, 55, 60. Yeah. And I said, no, that's it. That's that's not going to continue or you're going to be gone.

You're going to go out the door. He goes, okay, I get it. I get it. But I understand. I'm a comic. And that just never makes sense to me. And then he continued a little bit, but not enough. He slowed down, right?

And then he leaves. And then he goes out he starts annoying the opener and then he comes back in he's and he's talking loud voice everywhere he goes right and at the end of the night he he behaved enough that he he could stay but he was telling me something he opened for martin short that he was on like on The Tonight Show or something. And I'm like, you're lying. And there's other comics around that. Never heard of him.

Nobody knows him. Someone emailed me about they were in the bathroom or tweeted at me. They were in the bathroom with him when he was trying to give his resume. And yeah, I'm a comic. No, I'm heckling right. Because I was on The Tonight Show. I'm a comic no I'm heckling right because I was on the Tonight Show as he walked he had a comment after the show

he kind of hobbled across the room he would make comments to anyone and everyone coming at him he would say something to that person to that person to the next one and I'm like Jesus I'm settling with the owner of the club and he just like from eight feet away starts talking to me as i'm in a conversation

with this guy about settlement you know there's three people in the room and the two people who are involved in a conversation this guy just starts saying insults how many do you get tonight i'll pay you for every one i don't even, I looked at the guy that I'm talking to. I go, is he talking to me or you? Cause I, I don't even know how to respond. Insults.

How many did you get? How many did you get? I'll pay for everyone. And I go, that doesn't make sense. I'm talking to someone here and I have no idea what you're saying. He's a lot of fucking weird people in that show. Cause you also,

I didn't even remember this till later. I went up again i'm in a complete different mindset and that's my fault i i wanted to get that podcast out with jane piper because i know she has a great story and i know she has a whole her own outlook on her experience and i i have that night to do it And I know if I wait till after the show, I'm going to be too fucked up and she's going to be too drunk. So I wanted to get the meat of it out before the show. So I was in a completely different mindset.

And I went out. There was a guy in the front row. He's wearing kind of some kind of fucking Zumba pants or something like Zumba. I don't know. He had like kind of like sweat of fucking zumba pants or something like zumba i don't know he had like kind of like sweat pantsy things on but his phone was sticking out with the of his pocket it was some front weird pocket it was almost like he was wearing an apron i don't know he's wearing black and i couldn't tell but i can tell the phone is sticking out with the camera lens looking right at me front row center and I I snapped I just went into complete paranoia and I'm like all right stop with the filming I get

it I see you're not hiding that and he wasn't filming at all it's just fucking whatever he's wearing the phone didn't fit and and I was completely wrong and I looked like a wicked douchebag. And meanwhile, in the back of the room, you have some guy that's just standing there flipping you off? Is that how it works? Yeah. He was two rows back but standing next to the – like a pillar. So he wasn't blocking anyone's view, and it was fine. I don't like people standing at a sit-down show. So he saw me go up to the other guy and tell him, quiet.

That's it. You're done. And then right after that, I didn't see this. I'm sitting in the back of the room. When you told the weird fake comic with the crutch. Tiny Tim. You told him to shut up. Yeah.

So then right after that, this guy was – the other guy sitting two rows back was saying a couple things to the stage. And it was, once again, I can't hear you, so if you want to say something, you've got to be up here. Get better seats next time. And when security went up to the guy and said, hey, you've got to keep quiet. Well, he thought I sicked security on him. So right after he started fuming, and he kept looking back at me.

I'm now at the merch booth with my back against the wall, sitting on a stool, and he kept looking back at me when i'm now at the merch booth with my back against the wall sitting on a stool and he's flipping me off like looking at me pointing me and just flipping me the bird i look at jane i go who's that too because there's no one behind us it's just you and me sitting here and i'm not from here and finally security the security went up to him again say you know you're gonna we're gonna go outside i'm like what the fuck is something's going down yeah security came over and he said yeah we hey, you know, you're going to go outside. I'm like, what the fuck? Something's going down. Yeah. Security came over and he said, yeah, we told him, you know, he's got to be quiet or something.

And then that guy keeps turning around looking at me. And I go, well, whatever. I'm just going to ignore it. And then he comes over and I go, oh, fuck. There you go. I'm not selling shirts right now. So there's only one reason he's coming my way. And I thought my fucking head's going to go through this wall behind us. And he's like a big guy.

And he comes up and he tells me, what's your fucking problem? Putting these guys on me. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And he goes, telling me to be quiet? And I'm like, well, yeah, it's a comedy show. But I didn't do that. But I'm like, what the fuck is, it's just crazy. Yeah, you're pinned against a wall with some fucking drunk monster and he's

got these big old ham hands his name's arch ended up being oh sorry sorry about that oh you made good yeah yeah he made good but i mean i was i was i got nowhere to go i i gotta make good yeah i i alluded to this in the jane piper podcast about a rape that like how how long did that play over in your head yeah and i alluded to any time where i'm in a violent situation that could get violent and i know i can't fight but i'll ruminate for fucking days and years about how i could have handled it and or how i could go back and find them and kill them. And I didn't have a good example. And then afterwards, of course, you go, oh, fuck those two dudes in that parking lot in Pensacola. Pensacola. And we were in that.

Yeah. Yeah. You asked for like a cigarette or a dollar and you said no. And then the guy goes, oh, fuck. What do you don't fucking look at me. You think you're fucking better than me. I'll fucking kick the shit out of you right now. And yeah, that was an example of and that we weren't even violently assaulted or raped, but just the threat of it. I still, if I think about that, I think of all the things I could have done.

I could have started the car and run him over things I probably shouldn't have done, but I wanted to. You mean after you finished making the cocktail that you were making when i was when i was in the van making a cocktail they didn't even see me and i'm looking around for anything i could use as a weapon in the car i had a vodka bottle but i'm not gonna waste that plastic plastic i've got a plastic jug thump them over the head three stooges style i was shaking on that one when we got back to the venue. Because it was just a half a block. It was the only place to park. Just walking over there, I got queasy thinking about it.

Those guys, they thought I was the one. It was complete schoolyard bullying. Yeah, go ahead. You better fucking walk away. Fucking keep walking, faggot. Kind of thing. You know what? It started. Because you had to walk away. Fucking keep walking, faggot kind of thing. You know what? It started because you had to walk away.

There's nothing we could do. We're in a dark fucking parking lot in a closed strip mall. The one guy, they were going to their car, which was kind of I think they ran out of gas or something. They said they needed some money. And I go, sorry, man, I'm going to work right now. So I got to I don't have any change or anything. And then he goes, oh, hey, man, can I work with you? I was I need a job

i need a job you can i work i go actually no man i just like i'm working right over there i gotta go he's like yeah don't fucking look at me yeah whatever it was if you didn't hand him cash it was going to be a bullying situation well if i handed him a little cash he was going to take all anyway i i just yeah i thought about that after there's a million things i would love to do the jane piper podcast over because. There's a million things. I would love to do the Jane Piper podcast over, because afterwards I had a million more questions that if I had time to prepare other than, oh, I didn't even know you lived here now.

Hey, come to the show. Let's grab some dinner. Fuck, you want a podcast? We got to cram this in. Anyway, not that London was all bad, but that venue will probably not be open for me to decline working there again. And they're not bad people,

but you can tell they're on their fucking wobbly legs of the death knell of out of business. They don't take credit cards. I guess if you filled that place It could probably fill A thousand people Oh yeah it's upstairs The balcony that they had closed off

And so Some dude came in and You don't take credit cards And he had driven from somewhere else Detroit him and his girl Yeah he came from Detroit They have no ATM They don't take credit cards and he had driven from somewhere else him and his him and his girl yeah he came from detroit they have no atm they don't take credit cards so chaley fucking lends him 80 bucks in cash so they fucking can drink well i took his last 40 at the merch booth all right and then he goes to get a drink for him and his gal and he came back and he goes their atm i go it's right

over there and he and the atm only takes ones with chips on them, the credit cards with a chip, which in America it's not mandatory yet. Up here, absolutely. We're the only people that don't have chips or the metric system. So he came up and he said, they don't take credit cards here.

I go, that's, really? And he said, yeah. It was a fucking huge venue. Yeah. So I gave him his 40 back and then I said, wait a minute, you don't. It was a fucking huge venue. Yeah. So I gave him his 40 back. And then I said, wait a minute. You don't have any Canadian money at all? Because he paid an American.

So I gave him another 40. And he said, pay me back. Yeah. I didn't even know about that story until I got an email. Hey, Chaley gave me 80 bucks to drink on because I didn't have cash at the merch booth. I assume he's expecting me to pay him back, but I don't know how to. And then he PayPal you for the fucking money.

Yeah, that's very nice. Well, I don't want to tell you because I thought you'd give me shit. Oh, really? Is that how we do it at the merch? Merch and mercantile? No, I love that story because most people think you're a prick because you have a weird face that betrays the nice guy inside you. So a lot of people, when they first meet you, why does that guy doesn't like me? People think you're a prick because you have a weird face that betrays the nice guy inside you. So a lot of people, when they first meet you, why does that guy doesn't like me?

What's I know? That's just how his face works. You just have a weird. I hated you when I first met you. A lot of people hated you. They just because you have an awkward tone when you talk to folks. Hey, listen, I'm going to go have a smoke. This podcast is brought to you by Sabra Hummus. You know, I'm a fan of the Sabra Hummus, and I talk about it here and again,

just because I give them a promotion that they never asked for and probably don't want. But at the fucking airport, I know it was at Windsor. I mean, Windsor, Winnior i mean windsor winnipeg no yeah winnipeg yeah but yeah it was because i it was outside of security was the place that had all the cool cocktails so after my tequila sunrise and my whiskey sour and i think maybe an old-fashioned i'm not sure no we first place we could have no they had negronis and i go well if they have them here they'll probably have them inside anyway I go through security and now I'm I'm just a couple

drinks lit up after probably still being drunk from the night before and uh this wicked cunt there and I'm sure they don't call them TSA here, but airport security. Sir, is this yours? Come with me. My computer. They're going to swab it. But like angry looking like she just found heroin for sure. Yeah, but you can tell she's just an awful person. And I go, wow, is that her normal demeanor to the other TSA people?

And they're fucking laughing. You know, she's so hated because they're like, trying like pursing their lips, trying not to laugh out loud. And as, and her name was, uh,

Zelia. I go, are you having a bad day? Zelia? I'm like all personality. Cause I just had two morning cocktails. And then I start singing. Zelia, you're breaking my heart.

And she looked at me like stone cold. That's not how you pronounce it. It's Zelia. And I go, yeah, but it's still a good song. She goes, all right, it's a good song. I broke her down. I finally fucking made her laugh. And and everyone back there was just fucking.

It was a good comedy moment. They never happen on stage. The best comedy moments happen when you're in a perfect mood to fuck with someone who's otherwise miserable and finally break them to make them laugh. And Zelia get back to the sponsorship that's how i saw she was miserable that's what started it before she fucked with me with my laptop swabbing it 16 different fucking times to see if it fucking registers for child porn i don't know what the fuck you're doing and uh she the person before me she had thrown out their sabra hummus and i go why would why would you throw out sabra hummus it's a beautiful hummus and oh i told her i that's right i told her we worked for the sabra

corporation i had just been done being uh frisked or patted down yeah random you were a random check random check and i came back over to where you're at and we both got the coats on and yeah it's like we were reps for sabra yeah we say we work for sabra hummus and why would you throw away a perfectly good hummus like that uh unless it's unless it's the garlic flavor which we don't even like and then she started agreeing she likes sabra hummus but but it's a sabra hummus people if you're in canada fight for your right for sabra because i i go that's not a liquid well creams gels lotions yeah lotion sabra fucking lotion what are you fucking gonna pomade your hair with that come on that's a

fucking hummus hummus is his actual own identity it's not a gel it's a hummus it's not a cream or a lotion it's a hummus well we we came up because we work for sabra hummus, we came up with the new pitch. Totally TSA approved. Sabra hummus roll on. Roll on. Yep. Sabra hummus. If you come out with a roll on. We got to.

I don't know. That would be a gel. Maybe we're going to have to. We're going to have. Listen, we're going to take a break. We're going to go meet with the Canadian government, have a sit down with their whatever their tsa is and talk about trying to get a sabra roll on so people can enjoy a corporate hummus

while they fly we'll be back after that message hey this is doug stanhope for sabra hummus. Did you notice that Sabra had a giant recall for an outbreak of listeria? Did that queer you off of Sabra Hummus? Then you're a fucking cunt. You're a pussy. Sabra Hummus is better than any other store brand hummus without listeria. I'd rather eat straight listeria than stray from my branding of Sabra hummus.

I would eat Sabra hummus if there was a curdled pile of baby shit in the middle, which is actually better than the garlic flavor. Or the pine nut. What are you fucking thinking with the pine nuts? Hey, listeria Sabra.

Better than pine nut or garlic. But the fucking one with the olive is great. I can't get it at my store. So take a hint from someone who knows. Hi, I'm Amy Bing-Bong Buttercheese Bingaman. And I eat Listeria and dream about hummus even being part of it. I'll eat... All right, forget it.

I'll eat straight malaria from the anus of a dead dingo just on the hopes it tastes as good as summer hummus. So let's deal it up, kids. That's what I was born to do. All right. We're back. I was just riffing a lot of unnecessary things. I'm sure when I go back and listen to the tape, if I'm so brave.

Last night. I'm sure when I go back and listen to the tape, if I'm so brave last night, but I forget to tell you a lot. And I hope I tell you a lot on the podcast. You, my audience, get crushing reviews. It's too bad you can't review audiences on Yelp because almost every club we we play the staff raves about you guys because i know you're a bunch of weird fucks and a lot of drunks have to be removed but other than that you drink the place out of one place as a it was a winnipeg winnipeg where i'm going to the stage hey if you could remind them we're out of cold beer. This happened last time, too. But your fucking people drink so much.

By the time I got on stage, they were already out of cold beer. You had to have warm beer. You drink like fucking maniacs. Yeah, a lot of you yell and you're fucked up. But we get through that. But you drink a shitload and you tip well. And the staff is always happy except for those two dudes every show or one lady or whatever yeah they're tall listen everything relates to

money the staff when they're at the end of the shift no matter how how much they got their hat handed to them behind the bar if they're're counting their tips and we walk by, they go, man, thanks so much for coming guys. You know, that fucking Toronto, the,

the, the manager came up to me like giddy with a calculator of the, the bar ring, the bar sales. Did you see this? I like, I don't know what normal bar sales are. And I said,

is that a record? He goes, uh, uh, Jim Jeffries is the only one. And he went, which was almost double, but not quite. And he went, oh, wait, no, he did two shows. Yeah. All right. So I got a fucking record. If you doubled yours, it would have been more.

Way more than his two shows. Yeah. And right. So I got a fucking record. If you doubled yours, it would have been more. Way more. Than his two shows. Yeah. And you love that. You love when people. Jesus, you're a crowd. So, yeah. Take the compliment, people.

Yeah. You're a fucking great audience everywhere I go. Even if you ruin the show and wave a crutch at me. So thanks. Thank you for that. I got to film this special. Even if you ruin the show and wave a crutch at me. So thanks. Thank you for that. I got to film this special. This material can go nowhere else.

I've toured every. Why aren't you playing in the States? Because I got to get this special out. So Canada and the UK have not heard it. And I hope to film this at some point before the end of the year. Minneapolis is the only city I haven't worked because there was some issues with the place that I like to play where they're trying to downgrade the deal. Like, yeah, the opposite of every fucking other club going, oh, I can't believe how much fucking money we made from your drunken drunken fans and they're like trying to make the deal worse i i i need to find a place in minneapolis that's good to film this so i think i'm gonna actually have to fly there and go on a booze cruise to find the good

venue like dante's in portland where i filmed last time i want to do it small i don't want to do theater so what size do you think? The size of Dante's. What's that hold? I think we did like a hundred and something for that special. Well, we had to limit it because you had to have space for the cameras. But I have to see the room. You can't just go, how many people does it hold?

Because if it doesn't look right, if it doesn't have the right feel before turning the gun on himself, I would have never filmed in that fucking place. And I let Hennigan decide. Isn't that a factory? There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not where you want to film. It's a giant ceiling. Yeah, it was like an Ikea that had been gutted and made into a bar of just minimalistic, huge stage. Everyone's way too far away.

Laughter's just gone. So, yeah, if you're a comic and you think you know a great, small, dingy place, but has a good stage to film, yeah, shoot me an email. Otherwise, I'll fly out there and we'll go get drunk for a weekend. Probably fly out there anyway. I want to do this as soon as possible. You want to actually visit the site to actually see it yeah and we have another idea i want to film in reno because reno is so awful every time i play there is

hardly anyone there that i have no draw but that would be a really tiny place and i want to do that kind of neil hamburger-esque i mean there's a theme to that but i won't get into that yeah well yeah i've only got two more working days for the year tonight's show in vancouver yeah we have one more show tonight in calgary then i'm off for the rest of the year yeah i go to the uk and uh maybe europe i don't know uh i guess there's so much shit i'm just day to day i know as soon as i get back i gotta do the fucking book before september 2nd is my deadline then september maybe we fuck off maybe i do some other dates and uh but again i gotta keep doing this set till i get it on a special,

and then I can't wait to not be telling these jokes anymore. If you're coming up from Seattle to Vancouver because you were at the Seattle show, you're going to see the same shit I did in Seattle. I've been working on it for fucking God knows how long. Canada, yeah, I would have loved to film here, but we're waiting for deals to fall into place it's a lot of shit that goes with it but this has been a blast montreal we fought we flew up uh and we flew first class because a lot of times if you check first class isn't that much

more i could have got bumped up on my own but i wanted to sit with my Chaley and he's not diamond status. Not even. And it was so, so minimal to bump up to first. So the point is, we're shit faced when we get to Canada. This time, no problems were addressed. Absolutely. Ridiculously. That were the first people off the plane.

ridiculously that we're the first people off the plane and uh yeah we just breezed right through goofing on the you know uh customs people and they were goofing right back i expected every problem i always have them whether it's work permits or your bag tested fucking positive for a thing uh and this time nothing nothing And we were fucking drunk as skunks. We had so much fun on that plane ride because I'm wearing a white sport coat with a fake polyester pink carnation. Chaley always looks better than me. We were the flight attendants. What's with the outfits? In first class yeah you

have one gal that is your gal i mean she and then when she knows we're drinking you know we get kind of talky with her yeah we were live for the party we had fucking lampshades on our heads and pink carnations on our fucking thrift store white sport coat i don't even know which coat you were wearing but they go what's with the outfits and i said oh well we just get uh gay married uh and they're like oh really that well congratulations and then i said she accepted that really quick by the way yeah and i said uh oh no we just did it for tax purposes we're not into that shit and then as they then i said but we still have to consummate it by law we have to consummate it that's why we're going to montreal and then they started getting weirded out and then i like several cocktails and a xanax in and i i remember telling her uh i had we're

having to flip a coin to see who's going to be bottom. And that's when I don't know that I got shut off, but she walked away. Yeah, I fell asleep anyway. Show is over. Yeah, you can't not serve me anymore. I quit. I'm passing out. This eye mask means I don't need any more anyway. You did have your eye mask on with your glasses on over it.

It was just kind of an indication. Yeah, we were booby knockered on that plane. A couple of podcasts ago, I said that I'm running out of synonyms for drunk writing the book. And I asked you to send in your good ones. I'll try to put some fun old school terms for being drunk. And, of course, who steps up? Every fucking person from the UK. I can't put that in a book.

It's going to sound like Brian Hennigan ghost wrote the thing for me. Yeah, I was tinky whistled the whole time. I can't use that. I appreciate reading them, and I'm amused, but there's no way I could put those in the book. I was dongle-whackied or fucking, I don't know, a million. But it's all the UK guys have fucking 80,000 words for drunk that I can't use.

And everyone in the US, have you used shit-faced? Yes, that's the one I said. Yeah, I'm burned through the shit-faced and hammered. So, yeah, but I still appreciate it. They're funny. Montreal had fucking, there was, I got off stage, and we're working with Frank, who's great. But I got off stage, and there's like 30 fucking people in the green room. It was a theater, so we were downstairs.

There was a big area. Yeah, and the green room dressing's a theater so we were downstairs there's a big area green room dressing rooms they're like theater dressing rooms there's like three different rooms and each one of them is an overloaded fucking party like i'm a rap act and all right give me i've found uh frank's girlfriend in one room just with one other dude, and I just ran in and I hid with them. I go, keep going with your conversation. I'm just trying to fucking decompress after the show. There's a million people and then a million people.

But one of them was a squirrely little kid, and he goes, I don't normally do this, but here's my CD. I don't know if he's a fucking musician or who. Turns out he was a comic that has actually opened for me before. I just don't remember. I'm sorry. You can't live this kind of lifestyle and remember everything or everyone, but he gave us a CD, and we listened to it on the road.

The whole thing. It was a fucking brilliant comic. The whole thing. Brilliant comic. His name is David Hedy, H-E-T-I. And fuck, the name of the album was I Was Okay or It Was Okay. But yeah, Google search David Hedy, H-E-T-I. And we laughed our fucking balls off in the car at that.

And not only that, afterwards, reviewed it to each other like we just walked out of a movie theater. What was your favorite part? Siskel and Ebert. Do you think Jesus? I'm not even going to try to do the jokes because I don't want to give them away and ruin the integrity by doing them poorly. But, yeah, pick that up because that guy was funny. Thanks for all the stolen Bibles. People have been stealing hotel Bibles on their own and giving them to us that we still sell at the merch booth. I don't know if that's played out, but it's still funny to me.

They're still selling. People enjoy them. They enjoy the stolen Bibles. I've come up with other merch ideas that are only funny to me. And there's no... This is one I pitched to the Impractical Jokers. Because I fucking love that show. And they've become friends. And sometimes when we get shit-faced around the house,

we'll day-drunk call them up and tell them all these funny ideas for pranks. But the one I wanted, I came up with the idea of, but there's no way to sell it because it's such, is targets for like shooting ranges. If you're a gun nut,

which you're probably not, and you target shoot, but targets that are like really offensive, like shooting ranges. If you're a gun nut, which probably not. And you, you target shoot, but targets that are like really offensive, just a businessman scrambling for cover with his briefcase, like a silhouette. Yeah. Just like a regular, a target that you'd shoot at a shooting range would be a blank silhouette

with the, you know, bullseyes here and there. So a mother ducking for cover like school shooter mass killer targets under a desk yeah a mother is trying to clutch her baby and hold it away the target is just the little part of the baby's head that's between her arms as she runs in fear i thought that was a great impractical jokers thing where you're like you're teaching lessons at a shooting range and new people come in the targets turn around yeah and it's bambi

yeah it's a big doe-eyed bambi sad looking big like the big teary eyed seal. Yeah, I would love to sell those at the merch booth. If you can make those, if there's that's just an idea. If you email me and you want to make those and I approve you, I will pitch your fucking targets. I'll go, hey, this is a funny idea. This guy came up with it, selling them. I'll go, hey, this is a funny idea. This guy came up with it, selling them. And I will sponsor you for making my idea happen because I just want to see it happen in real life.

I don't know what else we have to talk about. We have one email. I'm going to break one more time because this fucking email has to be dealt with. Mace Galoni opened in Toronto. He's very funny. See him. We've had great openers on this. I don't have all your names written down, but so.

So, yeah, we're trying to make this trying to get this show to an hour for Netflix. to get this uh show to a an hour for netflix and uh it's weird uh that uh i did an hour in one club where i felt like i just ripped them off i almost i felt so bad because that the crowd the oh that was ottawa the babble and a great bar for know, if you get dumped and you want to drink yourself into a coma. But not good for comedy. Like a six-inch stage and all standing and 110 degrees. And I'm trying to, except for a few, there's a few standing rooms that I enjoy doing and people don't seem to mind. Red 7 in Austin. It always seemed like,

uh, all right, but I'm trying to get rid of the standing shows. Uh, red seven is also, uh, open air. Oh yeah.

It's outside. You can smoke. There's a lot of benefits, but for the most part, yeah, I won't be doing that place in Ottawa again. Please support them. If you're a destitute alcoholic like myself, but I, I can't do doing that place in Ottawa again. Please support them if you're a destitute alcoholic like myself.

But I can't do comedy there again. We've got to find a bigger venue that has a proper stage and air conditioning. And we'll be we'll be right back. This is I got to pull up this email as if there's someone I get a fucking yell at. All right. Please hold. Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe!

Sex! Keep your balls off your legs and such sex underwear don't have sweaty balls was that good? I don't know okay let me quickly expand on

that the one hour dilemma when you're trying to get your set down to an hour and I know what I'm doing on stage will not be exactly what I say on the special. Cause you have to be in the moment. So, but I still think again,

hour 10 is about the perfect time. And it's a running joke. Every time I'm on the road with Chaley, I'm going to try to keep it like an hour 10 tonight. And it's always a fucking hour of 20, hour of 30, hour of 40. And I really think those shows get boring. You can feel the lag in people. And yeah, the one night where I did an hour and I felt like, oh, first of all, people were that was the standing show in Ottawa.

And it was so hot. Like people are pouring sweat and they're an inch from your face because you're on a stage that's not a foot high. And I'm a short man. So at best, I'm at eye level watching people that are visibly knees failing because it's so hot so i when i got to an hour i i felt like i gotta do more and people don't i go i i can't do a marathon show it's and a few people yelled out it's too hot but i still felt like this is what I should be doing. You should leave them wanting more. But the problem is a lot of my bits are so long that you feel like you, because one topic might be 20 minutes long, that you didn't do enough.

And I don't know if you agree with me out there that a fucking hour and fucking 30 minutes is too goddamn long in good conditions. When you're seated in air conditioning, it still feels like it's too long, especially when you have, you know, some guy doing 15 minutes up front that it, yeah,

it just seems like too much, but I somehow, because I've done it so long are you doing extended sets what i feel are sets that are too long do you agree do you expect a fucking hour and a half are people happy when i go short for me and do an hour five is that okay i don't know i'm trying to but are you posing a question to your listeners posing a question to my listeners are there people out there because no one would ever bitch that it was too long unless you asked them to that's how I'm asking you bitch if you think that fucking did hour 20

is all right you could cut it back I want you to validate what i think whether i can do it or not even when i try to do short sets i still fail except for that one night where we're all gonna fucking die in this well it was 120 degrees 400 people in there and i think you still got in all the material you just kind of rushed it i was i was missing tags and everyone was so physically abused that generally there's going to be 10 or 15 minutes i have to spend just dealing with the drunken two guys at every show they're shitheads or one lady whatever just with a back and forth and i always try to riff on anything new to make the rest of it feel fresh so uh yeah that's what i was trying to get into uh edmonton that was the that was such a surreal because it's in that mall the west edmonton mall the biggest mall in north

america it takes you 20 minutes just to walk from one end to the other and we didn't it's still a mall there's a there's an amusement park a a water park with a seal act there is a uh a ice skating rink I went down to that. And every shop you can imagine. A gap next to Tiffany and Company. Again, that was day two of the two-day bender. Where the hotel bar, which is... I never saw more than two customers in there. It was great, again, because after the show,

there was a bunch of comics. Very fucking cool crowd in Edmonton, and a bunch of local comics. And I go to the hotel bar because we'll own the place. I told everyone else, oh, I'm going to drink at the Spaghetti Factory. It's right across the fucking hall in the mall. Voted America's number one, North America's number one bar by Bar and Restaurant Magazine as the best bar, North America is number one bar by Bar and Restaurant Magazine as the best bar in

you guys are lucky. It's right here. We'll see you there. And evidently a bunch of people bought it because someone who went over there and said there was a bunch of people like lined up waiting for me. I didn't know I was kidding that the

old spaghetti old spaghetti factory good spaghetti though well in line I'm doing pictures after the show and I God I was taking

a photograph I won't even describe them in case they're possible listeners, but it was the dude's daughter. Can I get a picture? She just turned 18. Now I'm describing them. Maybe this is good for you personally, but I'm just in complete fight or flight mode.

Everyone's signing things and shaking someone's hand while pretending to listen to a third person's conversation while someone's yelling. And the, those two girls are being thrown out for the third time for drinking their own bottle and keep coming. And I just go right into the pose and she puts her arm around me and it's the worst fucking body odor, you know,

cat piss skunk, fucking body odor you know cat piss skunk thick body odor and the guy's taking the picture it is my daughter i've seen you every time she finally turned 18 and i'm just staring at the camera i'm not even looking at the girl that i'm posing with and i'm like how old are you he didn't look like he could have an 18 year old daughter but and the meanwhile this fucking stench is so bad and i almost said something and i go i don't know if i could make that funny and it might hurt her feelings and they leave and then i start talking to the comics and people clear out of the and i go oh my god i can still smell that and i've done that before where i think someone stinks so horrifically but it's me the whole time

yeah and uh so i started smelling myself because i can still smell it she had her armpit right on my sport coat and it was this stink because i so smelled that shoulder. Your shoulder nested into her armpit. Yeah, for the picture, and to make sure it's not me, I smelled the rest of me, I smelled the other shoulder, and that one shoulder stunk so bad, and I'm making other people smell it and then smell my good shoulder. So I want you to know this isn't me. All the comics we're hanging around with at that hotel bar that we disappeared to,

and it stunk till the next day uh brad thank you brad coon mooth who's a fucking cool guy and always hooks us up he drove us from edmonton down to calgary still fucking stunk he had febreze in his car i febrezed my jacket and then it smelled like you for breeze the dead skunk the skunk is still coming through fucking two days for that stink to leave me and I don't know if maybe is it just nervous sweat because she's meeting a guy that and she's only 18 and thinks maybe I'm famous. But it was fucking horrible. You could taste it. That's how much. Jaili's known for your hair trigger gag reflex.

And you were gagging. If you would have shown me my 600-pound life at the same time, one of those photos, yeah, that would have shown me my 600 pound life at the same time, one of those photos. Yeah, that would have done it. Yeah. And thanks for all the people who have been sending the photos to Chaley. It disrupts his day.

And thank you everyone for the sent out emails for the gay baby calendar for Brendan Walsh. Well crafted. Very well crafted. well crafted you took direction you didn't make them over the top or obviously see-through stupid and i was very amazed and i talked to brendan walsh about other ways you can ramp up that gay baby calendar gag and we realized it's june no one not a good time to be selling calendars or getting attention for calendars. So hopefully he does this again in December. September, October, you can start to ramp up.

They're good gifts for Christmas. A couple ideas. If you do that on Christmas Eve in regular stores when people are last minute stocking stuff or shopping. Yeah, we get some ideas um stay tuned john ronson the fucking read this book so you've been publicly shamed i was up to page 188 and then brought it into subway so to read while i was eating my fucking sandwich and i left it so i ordered another copy but yeah i'm deep enough in I can completely if you're following the whole Rachel Dogeal or however you say her name the fake black lady from the NAACP

who that just happened while I'm reading it it's all about people like her people who have been publicly shamed outwardly and how it destroys their life it made me feel bad for that whole troy home thing we did not that bad but a little bit bad because that was just the killer termites that's just my people much less a nation's worth of people just shitting it on you on uh on the twitter hey it's chaley has the sax uh uh sax ah that's his ringtone and it just went off perfectly timed as a plug uh yeah pick up that john ronson book, So You've Been Publicly Shamed. It's a fucking brilliant reading. And I think I – oh, yeah.

Well, I got to – oh, one more thing. The dude, your name is Richard Asimov. He was in the line at the merch booth, which I hate being in. I put on my magic face, and I smile, but I hate taking pictures because I know how fucking ugly I am. And that's all I can think of. And but this guy, Richard Asimov, came up to me and he goes, I'm going to give you a hundred bucks to marry you on Facebook. And I have no idea what he's talking about. So I smile and Chaley takes his fucking hundred dollars. And I know chaley will figure

out what the fuck he's talking about but yeah you give me a hundred dollars at the merch booth i'll go yeah give it to chaley i am not allowed to touch money i'm too drunk and then i realized he wanted me to change my facebook status to i'm married to him or whatever and And I don't know how to even use it. And the only reason I know how that works is because bingo is I'm my status says I'm in a relationship with Amy Bingaman. That's the only way I can find her Facebook. When she tells me to check her Facebook for some pictures she put up, I have to go to my Facebook and click on her link or otherwise i can't find her so uh yeah i don't know how to marry you i'm not ditching my girlfriend because that's how i find her but chaley will figure out how to work my facebook maybe i'll make you a grandparent or

something we don't know how to do it quite yet but uh yeah we'll do that or we'll send you a fucking hundred dollars back i don't know but probably probably the first part probably the first part i like that let's get to the closing email here we go people if you listen to the podcast a few weeks ago with chad shank where we talked about uh what horrible evil children we were and jobi uh someone wrote subject nigger knocking there's not much you're above he says quotes i mean parentheses which is part of your charm but i didn't think you were ignorant enough to sit around laughing at someone saying nigger that's fucked up i've spent money on your merch and talked you up for years but that's too but that's too stupid in a not funny way could you address this on your next podcast i'd like to hear your take on it before my friends and i write you off. Start by saying we wrote you off during this fucking email.

You've been fucking written off. You and your friends like you sit around in some fucking Oprah's book club star chamber judges deciding who you're going to communally give the thumbs down to me and my friends. Oh, you have so much fucking clout if you listen to that podcast it's us talking about what horrible pieces of shit we were as children and teenagers that you look back and go how fucked up were we we weren't laughing like a nigger knocking that's a great new word i'm gonna put into the act it's just like something kids called it yes we were laughing at how fucking awful we were you stupid cunt that's been fucking written off do you realize the other shit we were talking about how terrible we were we were setting shit on fire we were burning things down out of boredom we were

chucking fucking awful things in people's pools of being mean we were fucking murdering small animals we were fucking shooting fucking birds with bb guns because we had to do something while we're skipping school i had fucking torture farms for gypsy moth caterpillars, and you focus on, oh, some kids called it nigger knocking. How about some fucking outrage about the awful shit we did? You're going to fucking write me off. I don't need you. I can dismiss fan.

You're not allowed to even be my fan jack jameson and your friends i'm not gonna i don't believe that they're even on the same page with you the friends that you you're gonna get together with when you decide if you're gonna write me off at that with your little fucking tree fort that you sit in fuck you you know what i'll find your fucking tree fort and i'm gonna nigger knock you're gonna fucking run out and go who was that someone keep talking yeah no girls allowed it's spelled g-u-r-l-z and you're gonna go who was that that was me nigger knocking you fucking loser how about that i'm glad i could close on some hate and i'm gonna go back to the best country in the goddamn world which is canada and i'm gonna go back to a positive

attitude and you know what fuck you again and and eat a loaf eat a loaf of shit please do that i don't fucking write you off it's like uh and i'll do a disservice to a dead comic who is great mike d stefano no i don't do that kind of comedy i boo you so yes in a toast to uh the the late great mike dStefano. Jack Jameson, I boo you. And now I'm going to play a good mood song, my favorite song from my favorite girl in the world, Nat Tenya and Molotov Jukebox. Let's play Double Dare. Thank you. Música From the after scratch, you started before me

So get them in, every drink you drink I'll match, to dance our way home Under a dirty early sky Do what couples do, argue and screw All screw and argue But I think it'd be different with you He points over there He wants to let me double, let me out, go anywhere

He points over there He wants to let me double, let me out, go anywhere With you So what did we do in the end? We went to that ridiculous club with your friend Last time we went we said never ever again To getting our wallets paid And I suggested the strip club For the neon naked girls and the late bar

You got rowdy at security Don't worry baby let them keep Their eight pounds fifty Let's go call chaos elsewhere Let's go He points over there He wants a baby double Demi I'll go anyway

He points over there He wants a baby double Demi I'll go anyway And then we double, then we double, anyway we do I'm going to do another one tonight. Have a slow one. Cook for me. See no one. All I want is you and a cold beer. Come over here.

Let me whisper Spanish in your ear. Come over here. ¿Cómo va a ir? Let me whisper Spanish in your ear. ¿Cómo va a ir? Let me whisper Spanish in your ear. Amor, cariño, dame otro besito. Amor, cariño, dame otro besito, despacito. Amor, cariño, dame otro besito. Amor, cariño, dame otro besito Amor, cariño, dame otro besito Despacito Y voy a saber, y voy a tener, y voy a tener algo de igual Y voy a saber, y voy a tener algo de igual

Y voy a saber, y voy a tener algo de igual Y voy a saber, y voy a tener algo de igual I go anywhere, I go anywhere with you Thank you.