The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. 82: Doug and Lynn Shawcroft Talk Murder

Episode Date: June 24, 2015

This podcast sponsored by Audible.com. Get a FREE 30-Day Trial at www.AudiblePodcast.com/DougStanhope.Doug and Lynn Shawcroft Talk Murder.Recorded June 21, 2015 at the River Rock Casino & Hotel in Vancouver, B.C. with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Lynn Shawcroft (@Shawcroft ). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvThis podcast sponsored by Audible.com. Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Today's podcast is sponsored by... Sponsored by? Did you say sponsored by? Yeah, we're sponsored officially now. We're legit. That's how you get Obama on your fucking podcast. You get sponsorship. And you get sponsored by someone you like,

like I like, audible.com. Over 180,000 audiobooks and spoken word audio products. Get a free download of your choice by going to www.audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope. That's right, Doug Stanhope. And why am I sponsored by audible.com? Well, you know what? You're going to hear about it during this podcast.

So thank you, audible.com and uh we'll be waiting for obama he'll be here any day in the ice bucket i have ice because i am drinking a vodka soda lemonade champagne orange juice. I have a vodka soda splash of lemonade with a mimosa in it. So that's why I have ice. I didn't want to wait until we're already podcasting now. And I didn't want to wait and have to make a drink. So I just made the mimosa inside

of my vodka drink. But can you see one from the other? Or does it mix together? All I can see is a brighter future in that glass. That's all I look at. Where did you get the lemonade? I have it in the fridge.

Are we podcasting? Yeah, we're podcasting with Lynn Shawcroft. Good afternoon, evening, and morning. Yep, it's morning at the end of the Canada tour after the Vancouver show, which, you know, for the conditions, it went rather well. Yes, yes.

For the conditions. And the conditions were. The conditions were fucking, again, all standing 145 degrees and with, you know, too many comics, all good comics. Yeah. But when it's standing. This was a show last night at the Rickshaw Theater. The Rickshaw, yeah.

And they're lovely people in the worst fucking... I wanted people to take pictures of this homeless encampment, worse than Skid Row, LA. Oh, it's insane. On the opposite side of the street. Yep. For four blocks at least. Yes, and

dense. Like, it looks like people that were on the side of the road for a parade like that much of a gathering and this is where they live do business and it's crazy it was it was like a flea market they couldn't afford tables and they were actually you saw people transacting business like they had a sheet laid out with yes there you know there was insanity close. Like, yeah. And it's crazy.

If you drive there at night, it's literally like driving through a scary graphic novel of the end of the time. City in a city zombies. Yeah. So what's lab city slab city, some weird thing I don't know enough about, but I did watch a documentary.

It's out somewhere be like around. What's that weird part of the lake that used to be a tourist destination? Now it's all dead fish in Southern California. Oh. What's that fucking, that's another. Havasu? No, no. Oh, no.

God damn it. Don't, everyone email me. We'll figure this out. One second, but you're talking about Slab City? Yeah, it's out there somewhere. And what is it? Like just a bunch of people, nothing else? Yeah, it's like a Burning Man without the party.

Like if Burning Man ended and everyone that was broke and had no money to get out of there still lived there. And they're just, oh, fuck. But no, they have this community. They barter shit. Hey, I'm out of gasoline. I'll trade you meth if i can i used to romanticize that and think that would be good but i used to i traveled through

central america by myself when i was younger and like it's those broke people that like have a make a shitty little bracelet and they're like can i get cigarettes for that it's just like a constant like begging and yeah it's i have a lot of things you don't want. Yeah, yeah. And I want to trade them for things you need. Yeah, and it's just like... We all wake up surviving, being alive, but it's just that weird survival. Well, we went...

Andy Andrus threw this... And Mamu, this camping weekend that we went to up in Oregon. Yes, I was on that. Remember? I was too fat to camp. That was your quote. I was like, I'm too fat to camp. I'm too fat to camp.

We're sleeping in like some, like a bus stop with bunk beds. Yes, hardwood. Yeah, yeah. And it was fucking freezing at night in the middle of summer. Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, there were fun moments. It was beautiful, yeah. And it was fucking freezing at night in the middle of summer. Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, there were fun moments.

It was beautiful, yeah, but it was crazy. But, yeah, that's why every time Joe Vernon always tries to get me to go to Burning Man, oh, we can get an RV. No, no. No, the people, I don't like to go to anything anymore that getting to and from is hard. Like, that's why I can't like to go to anything anymore that getting to and from is hard. That's why I can't go to concerts. Whenever I think of concerts or a sports game, I'm like, oh, but the parking and levels and elevators and tickets. Yes, it seems too crazy.

That I worry about. I know how I'm going to feel when I wake up. As much fun as you can describe the night before, I focus on how I'm going to feel when I wake up. And if there's not a fucking breakfast till 11 and a soft bed and someone else. Yeah, you're right. Oh, I know. You grow out of like, when I was younger, I would sleep on people's carpets that had cigarette burns

and like bottle caps in my eye. My underwear would be like on fire and i'd be like hey start the day i gotta go to work and now i can't do any of it no it's all i live for the hangover well yeah yeah you uh literally justify that yeah i feel for the hangover but then that made me think of a thought but you're not gonna you're gonna go why did you think of that because of this. But I was just thinking about, so really,

really rich people, I don't care what they do. I don't care like what they do, spend money, gold, toilets, jet planes. But the only thing I hate that really rich people do is when they move their car to another country,

like when they come from like somewhere and they take their car with them, because like so many people, like people get their head bonked and like probably i hate it like it's just so uncomfortable like the work put into that yeah you're right i have absolutely no idea why you thought of that or decided to say it out loud so you're right it's like we know each other yes it's like we can finish each other's sentences by saying, why did you say that sentence? I know. You're like, I don't know why you said that. Happy birthday to someone who's having a birthday. That's a shout out from Lynn Shawcroft. She's looking into your soul.

Let's talk murder. Yes. Oh, I was going to get to murders. Okay, so the show last night was on Hastings, which is literally a living hellish nightmare of like addiction and horrible. But I was just reading a book because I'm really into murders. I love my murders.

Wait, no, wait. And there was a murderer on that strip. You listened to a book on audible.com, didn't you? All right, let's just start weaning this in. Yeah. This is our first sponsored. How many sponsors do we have? This is the only okay other than the ones we i'm sorry i can't hear you can you turn off your audible so you listen to this on audible.com audible.com and what it was was i think it was maybe 10 years

or so ago and um prostitutes were going, oh, yeah. So I was listening to Audible, like, when I was about three or four, and my family, we used to gather around the Audible as a family and listen. Back when it had a crank. Yes, yes. Yeah, when we just got the first microwave, and we were listening to Audible while cooking our pizzas. But anyway, so there was a serial

killer that was on that strip, like the Hastings Nightmare, and prostitutes were going missing and like tons started going missing. And it was the type of thing like they'd be gone for years before anyone noticed or anything. And it was this guy out in Langley, which is a suburb that had a pig farm, was taking

them and murdering them. Well, for the listeners who've never been to Hastings, the reason that the prostitutes could go missing for years is they're not the kind of girls who have regulars. Yes, exactly. Where's Tracy? Yeah. Tracy's. I go to Katrina every Tuesday.

Yeah. So a guy at a pig farm. Guy at a pig farm was coming to get them and then like like cutting them up and stuff like that and it was like horrible but the this is a cynical view he was cleaning up the streets but it's shitty right like it's horrible that's not fair i just imagine i imagine the hookers showing up and seeing the pigs and going i'm not into that yeah sharpening a knife we're going to be into this either. The thing about the pigs is he didn't make them have sex with the baby,

but he did make them make out with the pigs. Can you imagine like necking a pig? I don't kiss on the mouth. When I was a kid, when I was little, my accent was vacillating southern or black for a Canadian hooker. i'm sorry it was nowhere near what a canadian hooker would sound like yeah what would a canadian sound well here's the thing

this is really statistically true canadian hookers um they're like they're smarter than the average america like the first year university in america you know what i mean like just because of our education system like if they drop out in grade three becomes three hookers it's like first year university in America. You know what I mean? Like just because of our education system, like if they drop out in grade three, become street hookers, it's like first year Yale in America. It's like it's from a book or something. I think there's something on audible.com called

compare the education systems of North America. Hookers North versus South. Will it ever end? Will the rivalry continue? Whereas an American hooker, her mentality is like... Did I tell you the story about me and your husband trying to get cheap hookers in Vancouver, this city? What?

We were playing... When were you... Are you talking about Mitch? Yeah. Yes. What other husband do you have? I don't know. you talking about Mitch? Yeah. Yes. What other husband do you have? I don't know. I might have been married before.

Yes. If someone dies, does that mean you're divorced? No. Well, a lot of times after he died, I would say it's Hedberg's ex. Yeah. That's not an ex. Right, right. I might have been an ex now.

I started calling you the old widder Hedberg. Yes, yes. But might have been an ex now, but yeah. I started calling you the old Witter Hedberg. Yes, yes. But this is really crazy. After Mitch died, you're not going to believe how many people actually said this to me. Everybody's like, oh, that's horrible. But at least she didn't go through a shitty divorce. I was like, are you fucking crazy? People were like, yeah, they're horrible.

And this one girl goes, oh, you didn't go through a shitty divorce. At least he liked you. I'm like, I wouldn't care if he – like, he doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't – like, there's nothing where he was. At least he didn't get ugly. What the fuck? People are crazy. There was a really shitty and on the verge of going belly up club we co-headlined in our early days in Surrey, B.C., the Comedy Cave, I believe it was.

our early days in surrey bc the comedy cave i believe it was and uh i remember we're thinking we're not gonna get paid and at the last minute we did get paid how would you have gotten here did you drive or bus or train that's the one where he had to get the minister's permit for the stolen tupperware yeah yeah when he was taking leftovers way too seriously when mitch was like 18 you know what's great is i have the mugshot for that, and he's got full-on perm, like rock and roll kiss haircut. And it's the mugshot. Yeah, I'm going to put it in the book. It's amazing.

It's literally like puffed and then long headshot. So when he was 18, he broke into a car with his friends, and they stole Tupperware. But he got a lawyer to get it off the record, but it came back when he tried to cross the border. Yeah, tried to get the work permit. Have you ever been arrested for anything like that? Shoplifting?

Drunk driving? Anything? Disturbing the peace. Why? Because I was laughing at my friend. I think I just told this story on a recent podcast. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was laughing at a cop for my friend get arrested and he's going, fuck you, you

cocksucker. Take off that fucking gun. Kick your fucking ass. I would never take- Your mother sucks cocks in hell. Oh my God. And your fucking ass i would never take your mother sucks cocks in hell oh my god i just was laughing right out of the street so just out of spite he goes you think it's funny you're under arrest for disturbing the peace just oh my god would you ever i would like i would never be like that to a cop like i'm like i could be like that's why

yeah i could be like fuck the system but as soon as a cop i would never be like, fuck the system, but as soon as a cop, I would never be like, fuck off to a cop. And this was in very suburban, you know, Worcester. No one ever talked back to an authority figure. I'm 17 years old, and just to see not only- Was he drunk? No, he was a prick. He was this rotten, bad seed kid that I- Anyway, so Hedberg and I, we finally get paid the last night, and the doorman guys' staff we're hanging out with, took us into Vancouver.

And the streetwalker hookers that they're showing us were better than A-list titty dancers in the States. Oh, yeah. There used to be a street called Richard Street, and the hookers were stunning. Like Miss Universe type looking. So I see one, and I go, drop me off. I asked the door guy that's driving us around. I go, what's the minimum? And he said $50 or whatever.

And I said, drop me off here and pick me up in an hour. Oh my God, that takes balls. Yeah. Yeah. Had you been to one yet? Well, they drop me off and take off. They're going to bars and stuff uh with Hedberg and uh so I go out and I sheepishly you know I'm not really good and uh and I go um so and I

I said what to your groin the point what however I approached her awkwardly I get to uh well what's the minimum and it was a hundred. And we had just got paid. So when he told me $50, I gave Hedberg all my money except the minimum that they told me. And it was double that. And she wasn't bartering. So then I had to sit on a bus bench next to a hooker for 55 more minutes waiting for my friends to come back. Because they said pick me up in an hour. And, yeah, couldn't even make small talk. I don't think she was there for

the full hour, but I was. Right. Oh, what a nightmare. Had you been to anyone? Oh, yeah. Which is like, I mean, everyone talked about it. I can't even. My thing is always like, how did they make the movie Ben-Hur with fax machines? Anyway, had you been to a hooker before?

Oh, yeah. See, if I was a guy, I would have gone to hookers a lot. But it's just like I wouldn't know. You know when you haven't entered a world, like you don't know the protocol of it, like before you knew how to buy drugs or whatever. But how did you know the protocol with a hooker? What was the way you did it? I still don't.

I never got comfortable with hookers. I was always overly polite. Yeah. Because I always assume everyone else is a dick to them. Yes, yes, yes. You want to be them. And then you realize most of them are trying to fucking rip you off. But you still can't be a dick because you know they're probably abused. Yeah. Now I've seen enough documentaries that it would be really difficult for me to get a hooker in good faith.

Not thinking that someone's sitting in the parking lot yeah that is you know beating her or it's a really mentally controlling her but have you always got hookers like from the street or like you know how there's different echelons like you know mostly call girls okay you know between the internet before that it was the back page of the weekly yeah i think mitch was telling me one time him and his friends they got i think it was mitch it was like i think they went to tijuana and then they did it but his complaint was like look i just think she was faking it and i go oh really did that bother you is that what really hurt you? You didn't blow her mind?

You know? He's like, I just, like, you know, they're acting. And I was like, okay, weirdo. Yeah, if I was a guy, I would have at least gone to them. I didn't care what they were, you know. And it doesn't matter what they look like or anything. It's just a very weird thing because it's probably filled with that electric moment. Like you said, something bad could go down at any moment. Something weird like stealing or they could fucking beat you up.

That's what would be weird is it's just a weird environment. Yeah, I know. I would have a system where you just, all right, hooker-proof the room. Which is what? Every valuable. Cover up the plugs? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hide it. But generally, in early days days it was straight up horny like back it was just horny full-on fucking libido i guess if it's not in you it's gonna be in a fucking wall socket yeah exactly something anything yeah yeah uh and then that was usually drug nights like lots of coke and then it gets in your head and you have you know you're probably never gonna to be able to come, but you're going to try. But you're so horny, yeah.

That's when you actually, how much is it by the hour? And you're calculating the amount of time. Because that never used to be an issue. It's going to be, they assume it's going to be minutes. Right, right. And you're like, no, I've been doing blow all night. Maybe we should go for the two. Can we do the dollar a minute?

Yeah. It should be a dollar a minute. Like shitty hookers, dollar a minute. Great hookers, $2.50 a minute. Yeah, the quicker you can make me come. Yeah. How about $2.50 for five minutes and $20 for an hour? Because if it takes you an hour, you're not good at your job.

Yeah, yeah. And also, if it's doing the hour, you're not good at your job. Yeah, yeah. And also, if it's doing the hour, she's not doing anything more or maybe she's... I can't be sure. I have to go back to... I think there's a book on Audible about hooker protocol that I saw.

Yeah, I've had times where I finished quickly and then... You don't get money back? No, I want to talk. Oh my God, I was about to say, have you ever pulled the cliche, can I just get some money? I don't want anything from you.

I just want to talk. I get more blow. I want someone to listen. I don't even want to talk. I want you to listen. Because I'm doing blow and I want to have my own run on sentences. That's crazy. Actually, don't even touch my dick.

Just listen to this story when i when i when my eyebrows goes up you laugh at good pacing throughout my diatribe yeah oh my god crazy that'd be a great way to start my next special let's get a hug yeah and i have you seen that show it's fucking awful. It's like intervention for prostitutes. Oh, no. Oh, to get them from prostituting? Yeah.

This guy's a former sex addict. Oh, so convenient. You'd get into this line of work. Yeah. Getting hookers off the street. And he's a pastor. Oh, my God. And he goes a lot of the filming, you know, a lot of the really big techniques that he used to get them

is off camera. Well, he also, he has like his team off camera that come in. It's like a bar rescue intervention. Right, right,

right. Have former sex workers and he gets them into the hotel and it's like so cheap. Like, is it like a woman comes in and like she's prostituting and they're like,

we're getting off. He calls a hooker off the internet and she comes in. Let's start doing interventions for people in other jobs. I'm like, let's get that pool cleaner out of his situation. Like it's someone's fucking job in a way. Like how dare you? But I sort of get it. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. That wasn't funny. Yeah, no, I forgot completely what I was saying. Oh, no. So he brings him in. But do that with the same hidden cameras and bring her in and make her listen to my hour

before I go out on stage? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be a funny way to... I just couldn't. I don't think I could do it. I couldn't keep a straight face and talk to a hooker. Would you do it and then go on the stage or that would be the special is practicing paying

a hooker to listen? That would be the setup to the special some people are in the green room like boxing yeah pacing back and forth yeah yours is paying someone to listen just doing those exact same but they're also wearing underwear the chris rock special where he did it like in three different countries or something i didn't watch it. I know it exists. Yeah, I know what you mean. So it would cut from the same bit to him doing the same bit in another city or another country or some shit. So you could occasionally cut back to me saying it to a hooker that's weirded out.

Weirded out, yeah. Because you know they'd sign a release. Hookers? See, I'm overthinking this. This is a podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you know they'd sign a release. Hookers? See, I'm overthinking this. This is a podcast. Oh, yeah, okay. Now I'm going over reasonable expectation of privacy. Do you have to do this on public air?

Oh, my God, you're actually thinking about getting the release, getting from the hookers? Yeah, exactly. That's so easy. It's a fucking good idea. It's a great idea, but they would release it. I know, but you also have the issue of if you bring them into a place where they have a reasonable expectation of privacy, then it depends on the state.

Oh, yeah, because the act itself of getting a hooker is. What about getting an actor to play one? See, I wouldn't want that. Actually, no, because I want to do it in Minneapolis. And I know that we did hidden camera there and we wouldn't have done it if it was a two party consent state. So it's got to be a single party consent. Have you been listening to too much Audible? You've got some like lot of loss law on the mind to party consent i don't know anything about the law

well it's because you're canadian you don't have laws because everyone does everything by the books on the honor system oh you know what i figured out this is the whole if i ever had a kid or like the only okay there's two sentences okay what are the five most or six most dangerous words that are said in the world? I have a family to feed. That destroys the world because people will do anything to protect their family. Wars, gutting people, spilling things. And then...

Just look at your face trying to understand what I'm talking about. And then also, this is the advice I would give. For anybody, don't get caught. That's the whole thing of life. Don't get caught. That's the whole thing of life. Don't get caught. Because everybody does everything. It's just whether you get caught or not. Now I'm just, I was looking for how that tied into what we were saying.

I'm going from hookers to, oh, Canada has no laws. And here's the laws. Don't get mad. I have a mental illness. You have a lot of them. But I love every one. Every day I decide which one I love more. The way that you plow into a room late for a show,

open up your bag in a giant nest on the floor, and start flipping through. I just have to change my clothes. I just need one thing. And the one thing is the last thing that didn't go flying through the air in an arc across the entire floor of the entire hotel room and then you run in and go i don't i don't fit in this you always think you don't fit in whatever you're wearing because i'm always feeling uncomfortable it's like you don't understand that was really fast for me to turn

around and get out like it's got to the point where if i leave the house like it's taking hours now like i'll be like getting things ready and then all of a sudden i'll be like i should wash the curtains like and i'm like oh no i don't and like it's like it's a real issue but do you know this my mom died when i was three and as i saw her die like my very first thought is i never linked this together but my very first memory is my mom had an aneurysm and died. And I just went to go talk to someone about this. And what happens is he goes, well, yeah, you were living in security. And after that, everything was not unsure for the rest of your life.

And no one took care of you after. So I'm in a constant kind of, I keep myself in a constant agitated state. But it's really cute, right? It's adorable. No, but it's making me like it really is hurting me i i know that uh yeah sometimes i go uh oh i hope there is another opener because uh sometimes lynn uh misses her flight yeah and sometimes she but i but in a weird way but also what about this you have a lot of friends that like are gonna come out but can't afford things don't know how to make their own schedules i still have that great standard of

like i fucking know about hotels and flights and i'm laser like that sufficient self-sufficient but there's also the weirdness going on but like yeah like i understand but yeah i know yeah hey lynn we gotta catch our flight you know what i'll just i'm gonna catch a cab and i go she's not gonna make this flight and and i know you could stay here for three extra days and figure it all out yeah your life would go on fine yeah but yeah like it's a weird unreliable but um do you have any behaviors like an OCD or weird things that you've had and changed or do you have it what are your behaviors that you've been able to just sort of deal with and overcome. Or my thing is if I let people into my life and allocated some of my life to other people,

I could deal with it better, like dealing with cleaning or I'm getting my pipes done. But then you get trapped in it. Because we used to have the same business manager that you still have. Yeah, I'm getting it. And I love Elise. Yeah, she's gone. That's over?

She loved you. Yeah, but at the same time, at a certain level, you get talked into when I get the man show. Well, you should have a business manager that just, they take care of all your money. You never see a check. It goes to them. Everything gets paid.

Your electric bill, your phone bill, everything goes through them. You never have to worry about a thing. Yeah, you don't worry about getting mail. And it does work for comics because if you're working in 50 states, you're getting 50 whatever forms. And then also you might be on the road and not get your mail. Although it's changed now. Everything's paid online. But yeah, at the time.

So you get talked into this business manager. And it is helpful on some level. But it's also, I feel like, I live my life going, oh, my God, they know I go to Rite Aid. You know what I mean? And, like, I live like that. Yeah, I'm not a very trusting person. Oh, I see.

And it seemed like once I, I get fired from them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because they take 5% of your income. I get fired by an accountant for not having enough money. Well, Mitch's second or first CD is to ML management. He was always like, am I your poorest client? And then one time they divulged that there was someone poor. But here's funny. One time Mitch was doing Letterman, and Letterman's in New York.

And the manager, ML management, is from New York. So the head guy came down, just, you know, people come see you. You're about to do Letterman's in New York, and the manager, ML management, is from New York, so the head guy came down, just, you know, people come see you, you're about to do Letterman, and right before Mitch went on, he goes, oh, yeah, go sign this, because you've got to pay another 12 grand in taxes, and Mitch, I saw in his notebook,

I look at his notebooks, and at that time, he's like, you're a tax man telling you right before you go on stage you need to give him $12,000 and stuff, so he did a joke about it, but can you imagine, sign this, you're another. As you're before you go on stage, you need to get your $12,000 and stuff. So he did a joke about it. But, like, can you imagine? Sign this, you'll get another. As you're about to go on stage.

As you're about to go on Letterman. Yes. Oh, by the way. And, like, it was funny, but Mitch was like, Hey, don't worry about whatever happens out there. You're not making nearly enough money for this appearance as you're paying me right now for tax. Yeah, yeah.

So do you took over your money? Do you do all your money in like things? And like, are you online bills paid and stuff? Yeah, I do everything online. I have my accountants. I have the comics accountants. Todd Barry hooked me up with him. Like every single comedian,

when you walk into their office, Harvey Altman. Oh, is Harvey Altman the name? New York, yeah. So he's your accountant in the sense of doing your taxes every year yeah because i was asking once i got shit can from ml management you don't get shit can and what it is is if five percent's not enough you have to pay 1500 yeah it was yeah it became cost prohibitive so then i i i look around bisbee and i got some fucking cattle farmer. Yes, I remember.

He had no idea. Like they had to look everything up. Wardrobe. Wardrobe. Research. So then I had to gently let them go and ask around. And hey, is there any? And Todd Barry was the guy that turned me on to Harvey Altman. Right.

And you walk in and it's like walking into the Chicago Zanies where every comic's headshot is on the wall. I don't want to say names because I don't know, but people like Chris Rocks all the way back to fucking whatever. And what level of, like, is that your taxes at the end of the year? So what do you just send them stuff or what else do they do? Like when you buy houses, do you do it? at the end of the year or so what do you just send them stuff or what else do they do like when you buy houses do you at the end i have to do corporate i i do all my shit it takes me days and i fucking hate it i love that you go through all of my

yeah i hate doing it i know but you do it i just don't that's just to get it itemized to get to them takes me days of – Almost as bad as writing a book. That's crazy though. You know what? Okay, I'm going to make a confession. I think I might brag about you not in the fact that I think you're amazing and I love you and brilliant, but I've like said this before. Yeah, I have a friend who buys houses all the time.

I've said that to people. I gave my family like, yeah, my friend this before. Yeah, I have a friend who buys houses all the time. I've said that to people. I give my family, like, yeah, my friend Doug, I think he bought a house last night. That's the one brag I have about you, and it's a weird one. Of all the things I can brag about you. But it's so low level that it's technically correct. Yeah, but I don't know why that was the thing that... I own some properties.

I could say that on a plane, and technically it's correct, but they don't know why that was the thing that... I own some properties. I could say that on a plane. Yes, yes, yes. Technically, it's correct, but they don't know that they're... Oh, I'm land rich. Yeah, that's... Broken down fucking... Like you live in Rickety. The bartender here is absolutely delicious. Hi. You know what?

It's about time for a cigarette break anyway. Yes. And we'll be back. And I have to talk to you about Audible.com. Yes, and we want to talk about a murder and another thing. Yeah, I got it. I just want to say I just really like you guys. Great news, kids.

The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirtsshirts podcast t-shirts we have pop-off vodka presents t-shirts get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of uh cds and dvds that span a lifetime a sad, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawl space. Thanks for that. And now back to the podcast previously recorded.

Have you ever sat in a long-winded conversation between two women and wish you could just put in some earbuds and listen to a good book on tape? Audible.com will get you out of a conversation between two chatty women. What, talking about the meaning of life? Is that so wrong? Well, I was about to hit play to go back into our podcast.

Yes. And Joe... Play. Oh, wait, we're not supposed to go back into our podcast. Yes. And Joe Play. Oh, wait, we're not supposed to say your name. Chaley will bleep it out. All right. Our favorite Canadian lady brings us stolen Bibles from all over the world. She's amazing job as a traveler.

Yeah. She said just quickly before you hit play my mother. You go, that's this. You're not going to start a sentence play my mother yeah you go that's this you're not going to start a sentence with my okay just real quick before you play now the ego and the id when they you know yeah lovely woman you know what i want to do a pre uh natal commercial for audible because we're okay uh because i i want to explain since they're my first sponsor. How does that go about?

How does that happen? J.L.E. will have to explain it to you. I don't really know. But I agreed because books on tape and my years on the road, living on the road. No, no. Back when it was. Oh, yeah. Do you remember when we were on the road and we got that Beatles thing?

I still have that to this day. Yeah. Because it's audio adventures who I fucked over all the time because they were kind of on the honor system. Yeah. You'd get a book on tape from a truck stop and you could return it in any other flying day. Was it like renting a video kind of thing and you would put it back in another thing?

You could return it in any other truck stop that carried those. Location, yeah. So yeah, we listen to books on tape. Yeah, yeah. They're fantastic. It's amazing. 26 hours of crime and punishment.

Yes. And you you go i'm gonna be putting that kind of time into this road trip yeah yeah exactly and uh now i don't i i want to use audible because i know it's the same thing only it's easy now you don't have to return it you just go online when you when you okay this is a question you might just be like shut up but when you think of like podcasts or video on the internet, in your brain, how do you see that stored? Like in a cloud, in a tunnel? I don't even see it stored. Like where do you see it in your head?

I see it in Chaley's head, knowing if I say, hey, can we get a book on tape on your thing there? Yeah. People figure out how to download it. Right. Just podcasts alone. I downloaded, I tried to download all of Phil Hendry And Bill Burr And what I did is wiped out

All of the songs on my fucking iPod Oh you know what I was going to do this When's your birthday because I want to be alone with your phone Alone with your phone for a day And I wanted Because I know certain songs Taking on learning about music is too crazy.

It's like learning about like every ant on the planet. So there's so many, but I was going to like, there's songs I was listening to Harry Nilsson, and I'm like, oh, Stan, I would like this song. So I would love to be alone with your phone and put in some good songs and some good podcasts. I wouldn't know how to use it on my phone. You just push a button.

That's why this is a pre-advertisement for Audible. Because once I figure it out, I realize it's the same thing as we do on Netflix where I just go on these documentary binges and we talk. My biggest dialogue that if you want to engage me on Twitter, I talk documentaries. I'll go on documentary binges and that's's the same as on the road is nonfiction. Yes. I don't read fiction. I don't like fiction anymore. I used to read literature.

I went to university and almost got a BA in English, and I used to read fiction. 20th Century was the great novels. Now I can't even read fiction. I don't know why. No, I don't like it at all. I don't. Like I used to be able to go in that world. Yeah, I'd much rather read.

What was that fucking email I got this morning? Or was it a tweet where someone said, this podcast will be right up your alley. It's erotic fiction something. every word of that is is terrible yeah yeah erotic fan fiction fan that's it it was erotic fan fiction podcast all four of those yeah exactly that's hilarious but um i actually talked i did a joke i i do a joke about how i saw um i love documentaries I saw this documentary about Haiti and they found this guy who was buried

under rubble for 30 days and he lived good news, quit smoking bad news but the thing is I always try to say this be careful what you wish for I remember 15 years going I wish there were more documentaries and now there's a documentary about shoelaces

I am sure there's a documentary about shoelaces, I am sure. There's so many. It's incredible. Everything on Netflix, now you're looking for new documentaries. Oh, I know. Here's the problem, is when I tweet it, are there any good documentaries? I'd have to have a list of the ones

I've already seen that you can't tweet that. I should have a list. A list that aren't these that. Yeah, yeah. You guys should have a list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lists that aren't these, yeah. But yeah, documentaries are amazing. The point is nonfiction, on the road, I can't. You can listen to books on tape, which was now audible.com. Exactly the same, yeah.

And you're listening to long versions of documentaries. Yeah. And you can go on Netflix binges listening to documentaries. I just don't, you can't fucking read while you're driving. Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. Because I, you live, like, think about it.

You do the Bisbee to Tucson drive all the time. That's 90 minutes. And I go, I live in the mountains, like, an hour from L.A. So when I drive and I get something queued up, it's so exciting. Like you're listening to, like I listen to Radiolab or you know what I mean? Or like any, it's amazing. And that's why Audible is amazing. And radio is useless now.

Right. Unless it's emergency broadcast system. What is emergency broadcast system? The earthquake happened and you have to fucking tune in to find out where the walkers are or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no, nobody listens. I don't do terrestrial radio because nobody listens. I never knew what terrestrial means.

I know it's like. AM, FM. Yeah, yeah. Hey, will you get up at 6 o'clock in the morning to promote your show? No, no. Yes. Oh, my God. How about I put on a sandwich board And go outside of a vaudeville theater

It makes me cry a little bit about Mitch Like that guy worked for every fan Like he was on the road Like we got up for radio We did like Like when I look at the schedule It was It's sick

And just you know He died just before it would have been He could do one podcast and fill theater You know what I mean Like the amount of work It was incredible Like how much work. But he stuck to it. But morning radio.

I remember going to a club and they're like, morning radio. And the shows were already sold out. And that's when he was like, no, I'm done. And don't put me on sport. You know what I mean? Anything they could get him on. The completely inappropriate venue. Yes, they would have him on weird fucking... Soccer Mom, Light FM. Now you can't talk about this yes or we'd always do morning radio and they'd be like

yeah you got your ball and chain with you eh and like one pact mitch and i always made was like let's not sell each other out in the sense of like oh yeah you know men or ball and chain like like let's not do that fucking cliched yeah sell. Sell each other out as like, she fucking is a volunteer. Or I'd be like, he's a man, I guess. Unlike I do to Bingo. Yeah. Well, no, she plays, we play the George and Gracie where she plays up retarded. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's semi-retarded, but she'll play, she knows. Yeah. She's brilliant enough to play it full hilt. Full, yeah, yeah, exactly. But you don't ever go like, oh, she's on the rack. Like none of those cliched women kind of like she drags you down. Like you want to be around that person. That's funny that you said George and Gracie.

We were in a Seattle radio station and I was standing off to size and we were joking. And they go, hey, you're like George and Gracie. And Mitch was like, what? She dies and I live to 100? Like, so, yeah. All right. see and mitch was like what she dies and i live to 100 like so yeah all right let's say that was a hey that was a a a a pre-vertisement for the fact that yes i will be selling out to audible.com as long as they have me yeah i'm supposed to have like beats of things i'm supposed but you know what fuck you what do you mean by beats well i don't know i'm supposed to, but you know what? Fuck you. What do you mean by beats? I don't know. I'm supposed to have like

here's some... Oh, I see. Like slash. Hey, go for a 30-day free trial. Audible.com. You get a 30-day trial. Go to audible.com slash Stanhope. Stanhope, I guess. I don't know. And you'll get 10% off. Chaley will plug it in at some point.

There'll be an awkward cut. See, I told you Chaley would fix this. You just had to wait until after the podcast and then make me do shit because now I have copy and stuff. But I don't want to read a lot of the copy because I haven't listened to it yet. I just learned from my niece, Sydney, how to use this. That's how I had to figure this out. And guess what?

I can play it on my phone. I thought, I don't have this out. And guess what? I can play it on my phone. I thought, I don't have an iPhone. You need an iPhone. But no, it works on Androids and a Kindle Fire, which I don't even know what that is, and a Windows phone. But it works on my phone. I guess it works on a lot of shit I didn't even know about. And you know what's great? Go pick a title. You get a free title when you go to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope. When you go to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope, and if it sucks, this is the great thing. When I used to rent books on tape, like actual cassette tapes, oh, if it sucked. Yeah, I get the theory of whatever the universe thing, the Stephen Hawking, read by the author.

A Stephen Hawking book, read by the author. And you're going, you are kidding me, right? Well, if that shit happens to you at audible.com, they're not going to fuck you over. You get another free, you go just say this sucks and you get another free one. They're that good. So I'm looking forward to reading. I've been reading books by comedians that I can't wait to hear how they sound read by the author. So, yeah, as I'm writing a book, I'm going to be reading a bunch of books by comedians. And, hey, you know what?

I do this with Netflix when I'm sitting around on the social media with you assholes saying, hey, tell me a good documentary because I think I'm out on Netflix. Since I'm brand new to audible.com, tell me books you think I should read, especially nonfiction because I really don't like to read fiction. But with over 180,000 titles, bang, huh? I'm nailing some beats. I've just read this copy for the first time. I think we pitched the shit out of audible.com. Free membership, get a free book when you sign up.

It's a 30-day free trial. I'm not going to go over. You can chime in. Audiobooks saved my comedy career when I was going insane, and I'll pitch the shit out of them. Audible, thanks for being my sponsor. Is Obama here yet? Let's go back to the podcast, already in progress,

and see if Obama's on it. Here's another thing you could do. You could be like, we could say we're talking about a murder and go speaking of murder. I listened to the devil and the white devil and the devil in the white city on a thing or that's the thing. I want to fucking actually be using it. He's going to have to show me. I know because you sell a shampoo you weren't using.

You need to stop. I wouldn't. Yeah yeah people would know i don't shampoo they'd see me on the yeah it's like when i first got done the tin can rehab and then i i'd post a picture where i'm smoking and people would rat me out yeah yeah i'm not fucking lying to you it just didn't come up i'm writing a book i I'm writing a book. I'm fucking smoking cigarettes. Leave me alone. Would you, speaking of selling and like, I would love to get behind

the mind and psychology of a human that agrees to have a perfume about themselves. That to me is like, who, I would love, like what kind of human,

like, what kind of deranged egos do you have? Yeah, like how does that get talked into or how do you believe in yourself enough to have perfumes like called, then i was like maybe we should have a perfume called stand have you ever smelled a natural smell from a person yeah i wish i smelled let's bottle that

yeah like it's so weird in a weird way like think about yourself like having a name is weird enough having a personality or an essence or energy but then having a perfume that people buy it's so up i would i would i only i'm only happy when a person doesn't smell as bad as i thought they might that's hilarious your perfume could be like febreze yeah or like your stench your your rank and stench only is like 12 inches you your personal space as well that's what your perfume could be a non-smell like not stinky is your perfume but what is that's like the ego of a minister or a preacher like the people who have the egos like create their own perfume and just think that's fine is like the same as like a fucking pope or something like just to believe closer to god or i want the world to smell like me.

Yeah, like what the fuck? Yeah, I'm just God. I'm humble about it though. You know what the weird thing is? Do you believe that? That's not humble. I know, to be able to be like, yes, God talks through me, but you know, it's about nothingness.

The people who talk about how great and progressive the Pope is because he's progressing. It's like people who say their baby is really smart. Oh, your baby's not smart. It's a fucking baby. Yes. It doesn't know anything.

Yeah. You're a little more lenient with the queers. I know. What's your bar? If that is progressive, what's your bar? That's crazy. Murder.

Let's get back to murder. Okay. Murder. Murder. Well, last night, is progressive what's your bar that's crazy murder let's get back to murder okay murder murder well last night i don't know if you met my friend that came to the uh yeah you didn't you didn't come to the green room but you you met lynn show yeah she was at the show i know the fucking she tried to hang out but it was i did the whole meet and greet and it took forever and she has a life anyway a friend of mine that was one of the loves of my life that's been one of my best friends for 20 years and i see her rarely but she lives in the area it's a regular thing yeah yeah one of the sweetest people i've ever known she's very sweet yeah when i first met her

i fell in love with her and i was back in my last telemarketing job. And I was going to hitchhike from Vegas to Alaska because she had moved up there. Well, she, I wanted her on the podcast really bad. Yes. Yes. She has a great murder story. Yeah. And I, when I, we, we hinted at it at dinner last night and And you were saying, I want to hear it.

I love murder. I love murder. I know. Did I go too, Chris? No, no, we both. But I didn't want her to tell it because I wanted her to tell it on the podcast. Because I don't remember all the details other than it's really fucked up and weird. And then she said, I shouldn't do this because it's an upcoming thing.

Let me get to it. Okay. I wanted it to be fresh for me on a podcast. Right. And then she's right. She probably shouldn't have done it and slapped that bee's nest because it was something to do with – I think it was a guy. She was dating. Yeah.

And it turned into this weird if I can't have you, no one's going to have you, like, RV into the outback of Alaska. And he's going to murder her and had her kidnapped for weeks. Like, kidnapped her and took her away. Yeah, took weeks. And she escaped. I would love to know about her escape. She needs to tell me. And he finally got arrested.

He did this to another girl and murdered her. Before or after her? After, I believe. Right? And murdered that one? Yeah, and then she had to testify at his murder trial when they finally caught him in Southern California, and I went to the trial where she had to testify. Yeah, she was

saying that she was just there and you showed up with a suit. She said it was so sweet. Yeah, and I glared at him with my... My tough guy glares. Is that guy retarded? Is one of those eyes even looking at me?

I'm not sure. What did he look like? Was he like weird? I don't remember. This was like 20 years ago. Right. But here's the thing. So you said, oh yeah, Jack, he's got a good murder story.

We were having a cigarette. We went in and I said, I heard you got a good murder story. And she wouldn't say anything, but she went, no, cause he's coming up for parole. So all these weird tidbits and i'm like what who pro she goes like yeah it was bad i had to testify i'm like oh my god like she was involved in what i consider a dream life afterwards they found tapes where he talked about he's gonna murder her and now he's up for parole and they wanted him to go speak at the parole hearing. Just stop him. And she's, you know, some people are saying, don't fucking stir up that bee's nest and make him want to murder you again. Right, because if he gets out, like, don't even be in his presence.

But then if he gets out because she didn't go and he murders her anyway, that's the last thing you want. Because who knows? It's been like a long time in her whole life, but who knows? You know what? She should have gone and visited him in prison. It was not a crime of passion. It was a fucking... Yes.

Multiple... Obsessive. Victim. Organized. Yeah. People like that hold on to crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fixation.

Yeah. But like, so she was semi-dating him kind of like normal and then he went, fuck. Like, this is what I want to know. What went on in that fucking motorhome for a couple weeks? Like, how do you plot your getaway? Like, how many... Like, what psychology do I want to know. What went on in that fucking motorhome for a couple of weeks? Like, how do you plot your getaway?

Like how many like what psychology do you use to stay alive? You know, here's the thing. If if I was telling this story with her in the room, she'd have to grab a mic because I'm probably fucking up so many details. That's how you could have done it. Be like, that's how you get a comic to tell a joke when you don't. Yeah, they don't want it. I'm not doing a bit at the table. You go, okay, I'll do it for you.

And then you start fucking it up. And they jump in and go, that's not how it goes. That's so true. Yeah, you could be like, you know, remember when you had that perm? And she's like, I didn't. Or more important. But since you and I both have

murder fantasies and murder obsessions. Yeah. First thing I did this morning was go outside and smoke cigarettes thinking about fucking how do we murder the murderer? I remember years ago, like you calling me late at night going, are you ready yet? What? To take out the asshole. I think you were sort of like, kind of like, when do we go kill the fucking, like, you know, Chaney kind of,

like the Illuminati kind of, let's take out the fuckers. I think everyone like us that watches a lot of Dateline NBC or any kind of murder documentaries, this part of you going, okay, how do I bank all of this knowledge to one day get away with it?

I think that's every housewife. Murder is way easier than you think but here the only it's stranger murder stranger on stranger that is really hard but like if it's like if you kill your friend you kill bingo they might look at you but yeah yeah i never think about the murder but i think i remember after mitch died i would ride my bike late at night and i I was secretly like, I hope I get murdered, because I don't want to kill myself, because that would be bad. But if I get murdered, I'm like, what the fuck? So I would put myself out.

I was entrapping. It was entrapment. Is that why you did the show last night in Skid Row? Have you been to Skid Row? I'm going to go out front and have a cigarette. Don't go. You fucking opened the door for a fucking homeless person. I don't know. No, he wasn't homeless.

He was like a beefcake fucking muscle guy having a fight with his girlfriend. So I was on stage and the back door to the alley started booming. I hit it. Let me describe. This is a punk rock theater. Theater. It used to be a theater that was probably nice one day. And then it's dilapidated.

It's got like a million posters so there's a big stage and a bunch of standing people dying in heat uh prostration is that the word okay so just off to i know performing with hot people standing if you're standing on the stage to your left there's the fire exit which we right behind you that has a chain link fence with no lock around rats and a dumpster. There was a rat trap in the bathroom of the green room. And I go, Jesus, did you see that? And Shawcroft goes, that's a mouse trap. I go, no, that's a rat trap.

She goes, how do you tell the difference? I go, that's like a half a foot long. I know, like I didn't know there was like, yeah. And it's right where if you had big feet and you didn't look down, it would snap on your right toe if you're pissing over the. So so Sharkroft's on stage and then this violent banging on that back door. Boom, boom, boom, steel door. And I kept hearing it. I didn't know it was what was going on and then you go and from the stage with the microphone go down and open the door i was like

pleased that i could even do that because usually i'm really so awkward but i actually was able to walk across we had walked in that's how we, how we got in the back alley. After this, like literally junkies shooting up in the doorways in that alley. Yes. And we have our fake enclosure. Yes. It's a not locked chain link. Yes. Like a pen from like death row inmates get to walk one hour a day.

Yeah, a holding pen, but small. Yeah, like eight feet by four feet. And even then we had a fan come up talking through the chain link. Yes. Trying to shake hands through. Kevin. Hey even then, we had a fan come up talking through the chain link. Yes, yes. Trying to shake hands through. Kevin. Hey, man. How's it going?

So you already know it's a bad area to open a door. But I didn't know. I don't know why. I thought it was maybe. Okay, so I was on stage. I heard boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then the microphone was long enough. So I was trying to tell a joke.

And I walked and I opened the door. And it's like a guy that's like got crazy eyes but he wasn't homeless but he was like a beefy kind of like jockey stout guy and I think he's telling a girl go fuck yourself and he started to come in and I pushed him really he kept going mama hey mama and um I actually like I you know when they say parent mothers get like bit streal for their kids I I had recharge strength and I like pushed him out and I said, get out. And I pushed him and slammed the door. Because the whole – It was scary.

I'm watching from the other side of the stage in the wings and I see you go out to the door and I realize, oh, that pounding is coming from the door. And the crowd is laughing that you're going to open this door and they probably think it's a setup. And you have the mic and I couldn't see what's happening but you go okay what's going on out here and you go oh this was a big mistake oh this was a big mistake yeah he was like pushing in and i swear i was like get out it was crazy and i was like oh no what if i i could have unleashed something i don't know what i was thinking but yeah he was a rage fiery eyed i don't know what I was thinking. But yeah, he was a rage, fiery-eyed, beefy alcoholic. I don't think anyone, because you were doing well. And after that.

Things went weird. Yeah, things. I think everyone, there was a bloodlust in the audience. It's one of those things where handling a heckler, sometimes the best way is to ignore them. Yes. Because if you draw blood, if it's at the beginning of the show it's such a weird them apart yeah that's all the audience wants oh interesting it's like if you're mma and you come out and it's the biggest what's mma ufc yeah yeah and you just start punching

each other as hard as you can in the face for the first 30 seconds and then go to ground game yeah boring yeah get back to the bloody part. Can I ask you something though? What, what happens to me on stage like that? Like I, what happens is my confidence gets weird or I start, I joke off and I Peter out.

Like I'm a comedian that Peters out the punchline because I feel like everyone's talking and not listening. Do you ever have that? Like I can't tell if people are listening or not, or they're just talking. So I don't know what's happening. Well, especially in a fucked up venue like that.

And watching people like really hot standing up, they don't understand the energy it takes not to like want to make them comfortable. Like you have to just completely focus. I don't know how you do it. Again, we're working on eliminating standing shows like that. There's a few places that it can work. It can be fun, but yeah. But not when it's that hot.

Like there's some, Red 7 I always use as an example. We've had great shows. I haven't had a lot of complaints, if any. But it's all standing, but you're high enough, and it's outdoors, so you're smoking, even though it's covered. Where's Red 7? In Austin.

Is it outside? Yeah, technically it's outside. Oh. Even though it doesn't. I've been there. It seems like a building. Yeah, well, the outside where you perform. There's an inside part, but where we perform.

Anyway. Okay. Yes, the rickshaw. I love the great times we've had. Yeah, and like the audience was great, but it is like. Remember that fire when that band in Long Island with the fire techniques in the fire? Like it's the type of place that if anything went down. Yeah.

It would be fucking crazy. Yeah. So can you imagine burning in a nightclub? I want to look at the fucking place. I don't. Yeah. Burning it all. I know. Or just trampled on. I used to be like, burning it all. I know.

Or just trampled on. I used to be like, who cares you're trampled on, whatever. But I've been in a wash pit. It's fucking hell probably. My biggest fears in life, I've done this as a joke, but it's true, are being burned to death or buried alive. And those are your only two choices of what to do with your body when you die. Oh, my God. You're so right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which of your worst fears would you like in your will? Buried. But buried alive is only. But yeah. I guess eaten by ants is eventually. Imagine trampled on or the, like, you know, just the human escape trying to get outdoors and not being able to.

I would go crazy. Because even when I'm at the airport, when I go to the airport, even in lines, I start going, that one's open. Get over here. Like, in lines, I start going, that one's open. Get over here. Like, I can't. Like, when things aren't working seamlessly, like humans aren't being thing. Disneyland's got it right. They know how to hoard humans through things.

But like, yeah. Hoarding! I was just about to say there was one other thing we were going to talk about. And I don't even know why, what it's about anymore. And we're about at an hour. Yeah, we're good. But it was hoarding. The whole time I'm sitting watching you talk

and you said hoarding. That's what I'm looking for while I'm pretending to listen. Hoarding people, yeah. We might, you know what? I'm going to have to come back with a couple of plugs, including audible.com when Chaley gets back.

So I'm going to pause this. If we have anything else we have to shove in, we can have another break. Otherwise we'll be going right from this into me talking about other shit that I've written down somewhere else or Chaley tells me to say, or other great stories about great books on tape. I'm going to keep doing that until I learn how to do this. You know what?

I'll try to figure out how to download something. Because, yeah, imagine listening to a great... Just be like, listen to those tapes. We went on the road many years ago. We got like a Beatles anthology. And you've listened to like 24 hours on things. And it's just like that. Imagine being...

And like you go to bed, close your eyes, and someone tells you a great story or fact. It's amazing. My dad would... Oh, my God. If you're writing a book, are you going to... This is a question. If you're writing a book, are you going to do the writing?

No, I can't. Why? Unless they force me to because I can't read. I stink at it. I'm just like Bill Burr. My eyes are reading other parts of his sentences. Okay. Who would you hire?

Okay, I'm going to give you. Chad Shank. Who's Chad Shank? Well, you get to listen to the podcast. Frequent guest, never time listener. He's a friend of ours from Bisbee. I'm not a frequent guest. Oh, I see.

But okay, I'm going to give you three people that can read it, and you have to choose out of these people. All right. Okay, so number one, Jeff Bridges. All right. Number two, High Pitch Eric. Is that his name? Yeah.

High Pitch Eric. Number three, Dolly Parton. Who would you read your book? Well, I'd have to go with Jeff Bridges of course I know I know I sound perfect or ridiculous yeah you would have had to give three ridiculous to make this fun

or Woody Harrelson it's like if you gave me F. Mary Kill and you said Hitler, Jesus and a hot looking whore I know. I kind of fucked that up. That's true.

But it made me think of the guy from The Big Lebowski and Roadhouse. The guy that's not Sam Elliott. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, this is... Okay, Andy Kindler. This is years ago when I first came to LA.

One of my favorite jokes he used to have was, he goes, oh, I'm up for a voiceover audition. I hope I get it. It's between me and James Earl Jones. I've always loved that. It was really good. All right. We'll be back in 10 seconds.

Okay. Hello. This is the email. I don't know if I even set this up, but I wanted you to read this email because we are equally disturbed by people. I think the Chris Rock movie was where he said, celebrities can only complain to other

celebrities. Yeah, exactly. They get it. Yeah. So comics can only complain to other comics about things. Yes. Yeah. And I get a lot of nice emails,

but I like to read the ones that annoy me. That are way off. Or piss me off. Yeah. I haven't heard back from that fuckhead who goes, oh, you're laughing at nigger jokes. I'm going to write you off. Yeah.

Haven't heard you, you haven't said a word since that podcast, you fucking cunt. Jack Jameson, remember your name? Yes, I do. When did you get this that it was a lot of fucking cool people at every show but this one this one i had my morning anger yeah so i was infuriated yelling at this guy to chaley about this guy reading this out loud just interrupt shaley said that there is a like a routine to die because i was like everyone that listens in the morning you can have angry okay they have my morning rages

and uh and this uh i read it and it i i just want you to read it because i had morning rage then when i got to the podcast i reread it and i go this is not really worth any kind of rage at all right but i want you to read it and tell me at what point you the where the rage might have come from and when did you get this it's a few days ago okay let me set this up it was after the montreal show okay our first show and i got off stage and that's my calm down period i gotta go have a cigarette and decompress of course because a show is like a fist fight sure before i if i'm gonna do a meet and greet and take your pictures i need 10 or 15 20 minutes to okay you don't need anyone let all the drunken dead weight

stumble out that would have asked for a picture just because they're there anyway yes yes yes not the people that want one yeah exactly those exactly. Those people, they can wait. I get off stage, I go in the green room, and there's like 30 fucking people in there. Yeah, people don't realize how intense it is. Well, if Frank ran it and he had his own party going on. So then I have one clammy-handed kid comes up to me, mop-topped, clammy, you know, the limp fucking fish handshake yeah and this is right

after the show yeah he said i just uh met marilyn manson's uh the guy who does his artwork and i would never would say this but i feel like i can make connections now with my music. And first of all, it's so loud. The din of 30 people in the dressing room is so fucking loud that I can't. I'm leaning in. And you're already in a sensory weirdness after coming off stage. It's like a weird zone. Yeah. And I go, I'm sorry. I don't know anything about music.

I can't help you. But well, I just wanted to. And I'm like, I can't really hear you. And I just get a decompress for a minute. And then he sulks off. And in the morning, I get this email. So go ahead and read this aloud. Okay.

From Ashkan. Ashkan Malayeri. Okay. Hey, Doug. I wasn't trying to meet Marilyn Manson through you. I just spoken to the dude who did his artwork early on in his career, and the conversation had gone well. So I was feeling overly confident and trying to make another connection quote, a link on your Facebook page when I released my stuff. in case you oh a link on your facebook page when i release my stuff in case you like my stuff was the sort of thing i was thinking of i started my music career when i was 16 and never even gave a fuck about making connections until today and that was because i'd spoken to that dude thanks for taking the time to speak to me i greatly appreciate it

you're nicer and more humble in 2011 though to, to be honest. Is that where you like? Yeah. Yeah. Repeat that line. I'm going to go back. Thanks for taking the time to speak to me. I really greatly appreciate it. You were nicer and more humble in 2011.

I was nicer and more humble in 2011. What? In a fleeting second? To be unnecessarily fucking honest. So thanks for everything last night, but you were more shitty. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you invited into the green room in 2011?

Because you weren't this time. Yeah, exactly. You were fucking hanging around my private area. And nice and more humble when, like, this is how fucking, oh, I'm furious right now. Hey, when I met you in your hotel room that I got a key to. Oh my God, I'm furious right now. That I got a key to. Oh my God. I'm furious right now. I know I came into your room during your honeymoon,

but you seemed a little short. Oh, I'm furious. This is sort of thing that made Mitch spit off the fucking edge is because when you're talking to people after a show and you're in a fucking mind warp and everybody is like, they know Mitch's thing too, is like,

they know your name because they just fucking interested you. They like remember me i was in utah and and it's so overwhelming and shitty and all you're trying to do is think and also not be rude because being rude is the worst feeling you never want to like talk to someone and then just cut them off because they remember that and it's like work that was his biggest thing it's fair like when he went on a tour with a tell tell could buy everyone a shot and go, yeah, fuck off and get away with it. But it was intense. And it's fucking distressing. Imagine being talked to and they all know you.

And that's why Attell quit drinking because he couldn't fucking enjoy it anymore. And that's why Ashkahn, you killed Mitch Hedberg. Yes. It's backhanded slap. Weird. Thank you very much. He ends it with, you're still the greatest comedian of all time. Yes, or like, yeah.

Even though you were more humble and cool in 2011. Because my judgment on you is I'm deciding on how you talk to a stranger who's talking too fast about themselves. This is my judgment. I will talk about myself, but if you don't grip onto it and continue on, even though you're in a mass of people and you just finished work.

That's my judgment of humble. And what is it? Nicer and humbleness. Well, that's what I used to do extra work years ago when I was a teenager. And extras always like, yeah, you know what? I like Baldwin a fucking dick. I'm like, what? For once?

Like, it's like it's crazy. I'm furious. I'm furious. I like. Yeah, because I went up to it's like, it's crazy. I'm furious. I'm furious. They're like, yeah, because I went up to him and said, you know, my niece likes you. And, you know, he was like, oh, my God. Like, he was in the scene probably. You fucking. Okay.

Thanks for taking the time to speak to me. I just want to see. I knew you'd get furious where I got furious at that fucking email. What is he saying really here? It isn't even anything other than you dick. I was just trying to get one fucking breath before I had to go out and actually meet people that were where they were supposed

to be, which is not my fucking green room. I'm more humble. You should have gotten fucking slapped in the face and hurled up by the seat of your pants by a big security guard. Yeah, it's so weird because I remember Mitch saying too like you give power to everybody. Like people would do crazy things and I'm like, oh no, did the waitress think I was this?

People would come in and be like, hey, man, you're coming with us. Like, things that are insane. Like Kevin last night. Yeah. That you, like, give power to and go, okay. This was Mitch. He goes, like, Mitch was like, it's never enough in a way. He goes, it took me 15 years to write this 45 minutes.

And then they want more. And then his whole thing was like, no one gets to meet fucking prince but comedians you could touch them and it's not egotistical it's just so stressful this is another email that i hope i sent to chaley but i'll just burn it by paraphrasing saw you were gonna be how much would you charge for a wedding or something yeah or. Or a private party, saw you were in wherever that was sold out, and wanted to come in and talk to you, but it was 50 bucks and there were five of us, but I wanted to ask you how much.

People think that you can't. I'm not here for you to come in and chat with. I do a show. Yeah, it's weird. And you're so grateful. Trust me. And it's almost so much empathy for the fans that hurt. But it's like a weird thing.

Yeah, the way that I wanted to come in to talk to you, but I didn't want to pay 50 bucks for five of us to come talk to you. I'm not here. It isn't like I'm not, like, there's no appointment for this service. Like, yeah, it's not enough. And especially now with all the Twitters. it isn't like I'm not there's no appointment for this service like yeah it's not enough and especially now with all the Twitters

like I remember reading about this band like yeah they were really nice they used to come out and talk to the fans but now they don't and okay

this is an example like John's parents who I adore they went on a tour of like the Warner Brothers set or whatever you know those tours that they do every day

and I think they saw who Daniel Craig or something and like she was like we waved day and i think they saw who daniel craig or something and like she was like we waved and he just and they said don't talk to dad we wave and he didn't wave back and i was like john was like yeah they're working and they're like yeah but you know what without us they wouldn't like it's that kind of thing we pay you so it's a weird thing yeah but they don't know the work. They don't understand that you got into something that you could be homeless at any second or the years. You created

that art. If it's not enough that you've created this hour of art, which I believe it to be, but it is a weird thing. You could have a killer show and you accidentally bump someone and they're like, he's a fucking shithead, man. I would search the internet going, I'm sorry, I was in a hurry.

Yeah, yeah, yes. Yes. And that's what I'm doing to Ashcan right now. Ashcan, you killed Mitch Hedberg. Okay. You killed Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. But I'm only upset because one guy thinks I was a dick

when I was actually trying to get in the headspace to be nice to more people. Like, Ashton, this is what probably Doug was hearing. He got off stage and you were talking. This is what he heard. I had some wounds. I had a man were talking. This is what he heard. I was a woman. I had no man's hair.

It was probably like that. And it's almost like you're in a kaleidoscope and there's people, there's 100 people talking and you're alert because you're on stage because you listen. And you ever see. But you were nicer in 2011. I want to know what you did in 2011, Ashton. When athletes are like walking into the tunnel and everyone's leaning over, we're trying to high five or get an autograph. Yeah.

And I just feel like that guy, LeBron, must feel, if he's anything like me, he feels like such a fucking asshole for not being able to sign all those things. Every human. And high five everyone. Or think about the amount of energy it takes to ignore. Like, try looking at a page and not reading it. Your eyes just do it. That's like being around people. Try being around humans and being able to, like,

block it out to go do the work. Like, yeah. Or also people in the green room before the show. You don't mind, do you? Meanwhile, like, yeah. Like, I look back now, it was haunting, but yeah. Okay, so. so all right that's it that's all can i finish it no no no he's bends it nice it was the i wanted you to read it to

notice that fucking sentence and as soon as you read it your face curled up and that's what i was i was furious and then when i went to reread it every other part of it you're still the best comic no that whole thing no no no you're still the best i still think no it's all that one line every other line about it is a shadow of that line yeah it's all shit away and i felt like shit yeah immediately of course people yeah you feel awful you have the biggest dick you're the You have the most beautiful eyes. I'd kill myself to honor you, but you were better in 2011. Oh, yeah. Fuck you.

Oh, yeah. They don't understand. Back to Michigan, everyone thinks he had stage fright. That's why he closed his eyes. No, he closed his eyes because when you look into the audience, the first thing you see is the person just fucking looking shitty, and he wanted to be positive. Yeah.

Every night. Yeah. That's why it goes on. Like, yeah, it's crazy. But about how weird. To be honest, you were nicer and humble in 2011. First of all,

I want to know what that interaction was. What did you do? Did you high five him? Was there a contact? Yeah, Ashkan, you don't even listen to this fucking podcast,

so fuck you. But if you do. What happened? What was the transaction? What was 2011? Yeah. It was probably you don't even listen to this fucking podcast so fuck you but if you do what what happened what was the transaction 2011 yeah it was probably that first just for spite we did where we announced the dates two weeks before at a fucking 50 seat punk rock club yeah yeah and he was probably a guy with below yeah you're more humble then yeah talked a lot well I want to put, okay, I want to have a TV show. And Ashkan, you're going to be the first reality show. What it is is you're put into a room where everybody knows your name

and lots of things about you. And then you have to talk to them individually while talking to everybody else at the same time. I've already pitched this show. It's called So You Really Think You Want to Be Famous. It's a reality show where you just make people go through the worst parts of being so everyone's terrified i know i'm people but this is like oh i'm sorry you get paid 28 million dollars to do this and i have to i'm like a

regular person with three kids okay so that's another thing i want to talk about people go look here i'm here trying to work three jobs to raise three children. You decided that. That isn't the norm and then celebrity or thing. There's choices and work ethic and different things involved. You don't walk out of the house and the fucking tabloid at the Safeway is your fucking cellulite. Oh, it's whore fucking fine.

You don't have ex-boyfriends putting out sex tapes of your unshaved fucking pussy like everything oh yeah or on deathbed well i'd do it for 28 million dollars okay okay well that's our reality show is we're gonna put you through all the awful fucking parts nothing is secret everyone goes through your garbage tmz follows you night and day they make fun of you they yeah you edit you and we see how long before you kill yourself oh yeah and also then also you the work that you have to do as an actor you work really hard but also previous to that you get rejected for 10 years this is the reality show 10 years like no no no you don't know and then you're aging and questioning your life and then you when you work on certain things it

gets criticized or doesn't work out oh how about this you get a million dollars for doing this yeah where you think that's a lot of money right right and then of course your agent and manager gets 25 after the fucking irs takes 40 i know a million dollars gets cut down to like $190,000 immediately. And you blow that. And now guess what? The reality show goes on. You've spent the money, but you're still, you can't quit. Yeah, you can't quit.

Everyone always notices you. They point you out. Now they call you washed up wherever you go. Oh, yeah. And even if you're doing tons of stuff it's a washed up you're now considered what happened to and you're existing in your life in your relationship a broke octo mom yes you're a fucking has been octo mom 15 minutes of fame and that million dollars has all been pissed away oh yeah the money thing's hilarious um this

is my final thing i want to pitch one more show let's do you have enough money where we can hire crew and trail harvey levin like a reality show and watch we've talked about that too yes uh yeah put the paparazzi on the paparazzi continuously yeah like in a nightmare that's yeah yeah i yeah all my shows are revenge based yes and i'm not even a celebrity like i've just i'm enough i've had enough of celebrity to know that i wouldn't want to be like oh my god yeah you have enough of that kind of intensity around shows but yeah like can you even i used to bartend in toronto and at first whitaker was a customer and he came in was just having a glass of wine and he was like i was was kind of telling, like being funny

and you know how comedy is, this guy came up, hey! So, and he literally asked, so how much do you make, man? Like, it was insane. Can you even fathom like the Brad Pitt, like what is that existence like? It's unreal.

That's why you have to, that's why you seclude yourself. Yeah. And live in your bubble. And then they still try to get in your bubble. Yeah. I don't know that. I just know that near the show,

outside smoking a cigarette. What if that was your whole life? Oh yeah. Yeah. And what we, and it isn't a case of they're bugging me They're intruding It's because you're a human being with empathy

And you want to have valid experiences with humans That's why it's stressful But you can't have valid experiences with crowds No, not at all With mobs Yeah And them talking at you I've met great people at an airport bar

Where I'm very randomly recognized And you go Then it's cool as shit. Oh, for sure. Because I'm not a celebrity. Yes, yeah. But if what happens before a big show happened every fucking day of your life. Every second of every.

On national media. People go, oh, he's just fucking bitter because he's not famous. No, I've been just famous enough in a small, secluded, isolated incident. Well, also, you're really great at what you do, so there's a different kind of connection, the way people deal with you. It's like people, you go, you know, I don't like flambe.

Well, you're just bitter because you couldn't have all the, no, I had a taste. I don't need more to know that I don't like it. Or if you don't like something, I hate this. Oh, you're a hater. Oh, okay. So if I criticize Hitler, you're just a hater. Like, it's all about whatever.

We're going babbling on. All right. That was the Doug Stano Podcast again. And, of course, Lynn Shawcroft, you can find her at, what's your Twitter? It's at Shawcroft. I haven't been doing it a lot lately, but I'll get involved. And thank you for having me, Douglas. Do you do the Facebook more than the...

I go in and binge and come out. All right. Well, I don't promote Facebook, but you can find her there. Yeah. All right. All right. Love you. Bye.

All right. So how was that for your first sponsored podcast? The first Doug Stanhope sponsored podcast. Paying for Chaley to keep doing this work. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope. Choose from over 180,000 titles and tell me the ones you think I will like. Just like we do with documentaries. And I look forward to hearing from you. And don't try to sell me your book.

If it comes from your email and you happen to be the author, thanks. But, yeah, all right. All right, that was rude. That was rude. Someone just sent me their book in the mail. It's like 1,300 pages. Oh! No note or anything.

And it actually sounds good. That's actually, it was something I would listen to on tape, but I'm not reading 1,300 pages. Yeah, if I'm flying to, you know, Stockholm, I can listen to that there and back. So, yeah, go to audible.com, and thanks for not giving me shit for selling out.