The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. 83: Doug's Dinner Show Podcast with Floyd

Episode Date: June 30, 2015

Doug's Dinner Show Podcast with Floyd.Recorded June 25, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Floyd (@arizonalizards) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing music "Welcome Back" by John Sebastian. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Doug Stanhope podcast brought to you by audible.com. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope and get a 30 day free trial with a free book. And they have over 180,000 titles to choose from. I fucking remembered that. I didn't even know I had to do a plug until I just started to say Floyd is back, but his ass cancer is gone. And he wandered over. You drove a car. Drove.

Yeah. So you're mobile? I'm mobile. I had to do some shit all day. We'll talk about it later. Filming some stuff for a thing, a project we're doing. And you showed up, and we got done the last thing, and you were coming over. And I go, fuck, Floyd's going to be here,

we've got to get a podcast out while you're out and about because I never want to bother you, but everyone wants to hear the follow-up. All right. You get a lot of stuff. Yeah. You get some good stuff. Let's get to how are you.

I'm covering pretty well. It seems to be a long process, you know, and a lot of low energy, a lot of days where I sleep a lot, you know, and just doing normal things is really, you know, pain in the ass. We talked about stopping by your house that day. We're walking the dogs, and I was more scared of the baby than you're showing me. Yes, you should be.

Your war wounds were less creepy than a baby being pushed at me. But I follow your Twitter, at Arizona Lizards. Lizard or plural? Arizona Lizards, plural. Plural. MSN.com. So, yeah, I follow your Twitter, and you always sound upbeat, but you can do that on Twitter.

Right now you look like you're going to fucking die right at our podcast. I had some pretty low moments, and I'm glad to see them behind me. Most of them were at the hospital. Just really, when they had to do a second surgery, it was like, they did it once, you know, and it fucked up. And it came out and it was a little, it was, you know, my stoma, which is my new asshole, wasn't the right color. Coming out of your gut. Yeah, I went and they woke me up out of the thing and they were explaining things to me. And one doctor says, well, your stoma looks a little too red.

It should be pinker. Because I'm seeing so many doctors, I can't even count them. My niece right now would say, more pink, not pinker. More pinker, yes. But, yeah, so I have

to start the recovery period, which starts just by getting in a walker and trying to move across the room, because I'm in so much fucking pain. Can I say that on a podcast? Fucking oh good. We'll bleep it out. Now that we're sponsored by audible.com.

Just getting across the hospital room, my room, from the bed to the chair is like, you know, incredible. That's my thing I do all, that's my thing for the day. Then I go back and rest. How many days after the procedure were they having you get up to do that walk across the room? Well, they had to do two procedures.

That was the very first day. And then the second day they made me do more, and they just keep making you do more and more. And then pretty soon you're walking around the nurse's station with a... Is it IV? With IV. And I got to that point. And they all fake clap.

Yeah. I thought I was doing good, except I hadn't shit yet. I was passing a little gas, but it was all, Oh, you haven't shit. You need to shit. You need to shit. You really need to shit. And then finally they decided I progressed long enough to let me eat.

And I hadn't eaten for two weeks. Seriously. Wow. It was like a fast a day before I went in. Was it two weeks or one week? No, one week at that time. But I hadn't eaten anything for one week at that time. You should have been on Naked and Afraid without an asshole.

No, wait. Let me eat jello. That was one thing they let me eat the day before. Sugar and animal jelly. Yeah, right. Eat up. Yeah, but they gave me a menu, and I knew something was wrong. They gave me the menu, and I could not find a single thing I would imagine eating.

And I was starving. And so I didn't order anything. And then I was talking to Liz, and we were blah, blah, blah. And then suddenly I said, give me a bucket. And I started p order anything. And then I was talking to Liz and we were blah, blah, blah. And then suddenly I said, give me a bucket. And I started puking. Man, it wasn't puke. It was backed up poop. Oh!

That's what it was. I'm pretty sure that's what it was because it sure looked like it and smelled like it. Wait a minute. What about the other scents? Did it taste like it and smelled like it. And just like, wait a minute, what about the other scents? Did it taste like it? It just wasn't pleasant. And that was just the beginning. That was just...

That was just... I just wanted the Titanic to just barely nudge that iceberg. It just went downhill. It just went down the hill. Do tell. Well, I guess you're not having dinner. It's the Doug Stanholm dinner hour brought to you by Audible. He ate two breakfasts.

The next thing they do. He ate the same breakfast twice. The next thing, they bring out a stomach pump. I don't know if you've ever had a stomach pump, but you never want one. It's never come up. It's like a hook

that sucks air. It's attached to these tentacles that hang down. These three tentacles. It looks like a little space alien. So the tentacles go into your gut?

Well, they go down your throat. No. Yes, yes. But it's how they get to your throat. And you're awake during this? Go ahead. They go through your nose. Up through your nose, down through your nasal cavity, into your throat, and down into your stomach,

and they suck up the shit you didn't vomit. Yeah. Literally. Yeah, they just sat there and it sucked up for a week. And all I can eat are ice chips. Ice chips are all I can have. Oh, so you throw up a poop smoothie. I didn't throw up anymore.

But they had a lot of drip every eight minutes to help move me along. Is that helping them be able to insert the tube? It's helping me keep from just going totally insane and killing them. It's just, ah. It's a very, I would imagine, a very uncommon feeling. It was one of the most horrible moments in my life. This is still getting worse. It's painful at first to have that thing in my face and my nose.

And so I said, give me something to sleep. Give me something that will knock me out. And they gave me, I think it might have been lorazepam. I'm not sure, though. It could have been something else. Pams are usually really not strong. I've eaten other people's pams, temazepam. I think it was atal because that's what I remember saying, but I can't remember.

Tals are good. I was pretty delighted about it, so I don't remember what it was. But I think it affected me like I've heard ambiotol affects people. All right. Because I woke up in the middle of the night, but I wasn't awake. I mean, I was aware. Oh, you mean ambient. I don't know what – I don't think it was ambient in the game,

but it was like I've heard things happen. Yeah. Where I was aware of my world, but it was like stuff I've heard of things happen. Where I was aware of my world, but I was not aware of my world. My world was a dream and I could see where I was at. I could see the nurses running around the station.

And I could see my room. My room was my room, but it was actually a back alley. And there's a cafe across the street. But I could see my fucking room. And I could see my feet. And it was actually a back alley. And there's a cafe across the street. But I could see my fucking room. And I could see my feet. And I was aware of being lying on the bed, you know. And everything else was screwed up around the whole office.

I've done shows like that. It was real, but it wasn't real. And everything was turned a little different, you know. And so I got out of bed at some point, you know, which was pretty amazing because I wasn't supposed to even scoot across the room without a walker. How many days roughly is this in? This is the night before my second surgery. All right. Which is how many days between the surgeries? I think that was a week. All right. So I was up. I was a little able to move around

at that point anyway. But anyway, the nurse comes in and goes, you're not supposed to be out of bed. You're not supposed to have two heads. Fuck you. It was like that. I was trying to communicate to her, and she's just staring at me like, because I'm talking about all the things that are going on you know

what's with the cafe what's with the cafe the cafe that was across the street from my room an imaginary cafe that was in his room he went to sleep he had a private room he woke up and he was in a cafe

so let's keep this titanic going into the iceberg i could have seen myself going out getting in my car and going somewhere you know i mean i had that much awareness but i had no awareness what you drive right through the imaginary cafe yeah exactly sorry i'm late for my shift. So how long total were you in the hospital? I think two weeks, two weeks in a day, maybe. I don't know. Roughly.

Yeah, once I started pooping again, then they pretty much. Out of your stoma, not out of your mouth. Right, yeah, right, yeah. The one-way road. They moved me right along after that, and I was at home. I had all these tubes coming out of me. I had a catheter because I still hadn't been able to pee on my own yet at that point. And I had a wound vac, which is this machine that sucks your stomach in. We just talked about this on the podcast.

The wound vac is the thing on My 600 Pound Life where that woman's stitches blew out. I know what the wound vac is. All right. Well, that's what I got. And I got one to take home. Wait, was that for your asshole? No. That was for this across my stomach. The big chasm

which I had to cut open twice. Did they actually have to cut your asshole out? Yeah, pretty much. So that picture that horrified you, someone tweeted, that was kind of accurate? I haven't looked. Of this stapled asshole?

It's kind of like a potato that has those eyes, and you get the thing, and you dig out the eye? No, no, that picture wasn't like that at all. I'm not sure I'm going to look. Yeah, I wouldn't look. I have an asshole eye. The rest of you might get a shot. I don't squat over a mirror just to be proud of

you don't know what you got till it's gone. Sorry. So they had to go through the front and the back and they had the wound back on the front. At least. I can't remember. No, there are three places at least they went through. Well, as I remember, the front was going to be where they put the port, the stoma.

But that's not where they put a wound back. Where did they put the wound? The wound was right next to that. That's where they had to reach in and deal with stuff. Oh, okay. Move stuff around, take everything out. But I guess behind drywall, if they're going to put in a socket, they have to do a lot of work.

But you did have to have the problem being this whole thing was because the cancer was so close to the anus that they couldn't save it. That's right. But they had to actually cut out a part of the anus in case it was cancerous. It's all precautionary shit, and maybe it didn't need to be done. Maybe it did. But they had to actually cut out a part of the anus in case it was cancerous. Yeah. It's all precautionary shit, and maybe it didn't need to be done. Maybe it did. But the important thing is they sent the mass or whatever it was to the lab, and it came back 100% positively gone.

Which is sometimes good news, sometimes it's good news. But it's good news. But get back to the wound vac, because that's where I interrupted you. Oh, yeah, right. So they had the wound vac. Well, they put all this plastic tape over you and then they put this little – Let me turn this off. That's all right.

We'll take collars. Yeah. It's got foam. We already described this on a podcast a couple of weeks ago. So you don't have to describe it again. Nope, nope. But anyway, they put all this stuff in it and it sits there and just sucks it up. And it makes it heal a lot faster.

It's like positive pressure. It's like keeping it nice and tight so you don't bust it out. And it pulls all the goo out, all the drainage and stuff. Oh, I didn't know that. And then they move it every few days. I get a nurse in every two days at the drainage and stuff. Oh, I didn't know that. And then it just, they move it every few days. I get a nurse in every two days at the house. And they would change and change. Finally,

they got it to where it was healed. And it should have been healed by now. And the nurses should be gone, except it developed... I smelled something stinky the other day, you know? What the hell is this? Did you burp? It smells like feet, you know.

It's like, you know, it smells like feet, like I say. And it's on my skin down there. And I can't figure out where it's coming from. I finally showed it to Liz. I said, do you see anything down there? I held my stomach like that. And there was a hole at the very bottom of the scar, which was squirting out juice. Ew!

Chaley's not taking this well. I knew that was coming, and I couldn't. What are you having for dinner? Not what you had for breakfast. Oh, my God. That's the title of this podcast, is Floyd's Dinner Show. The Doug St's Dinner Show. The Doug Stano Dinner Show Podcast with Floyd.

Okay. So is the Titanic close to sinking at this point? Well, this is – no, this is – we're past the worst part of the Titanic. The crushing thing was the night with the two-headed nurse. That was my low point. That was my absolute low point. the night with the two-headed nurse. That was my low point. That was my absolute low point.

And Liz, your wife, she stayed with you the whole time in the hospital? Yeah, we have neighbors, and our neighbors let her stay in the house. It's a really beautiful house. Oh, nice. Out by those pointy mountains out there. It was really nice, and she got to take a week off from work because she has a government job and stuff, had a lot of sick time and stuff. So it's a good thing I really needed that. I certainly needed someone there.

Well, while you were gone, we all pilfered from Miners and Merchants, your store here in Bisbee. Yeah, you really need cameras in there, dude. Or someone watching them. At one point, there was a nine-year-old kid in there running the counter. Oh, I took over on his break. I ran the register for a while. Yeah, chained to the stool.

We had people send you. This was the winner of the Floyd's Fun Bag Contest. It was not actually a colostomy bag. It is a colostomy bag holder. I'll let Chaley describe it because he used to work for QVC as an announcer. Well, it's like a one piece of leather, tanned leather that has been like flipped over and then grommeted on the sides. And it's got a – I don't know if this person knows how a colostomy bag works.

But it's very decorative, and it has a nice leatherette strap. And as you can see, they did a lot of laser etching. I think you'd have to be walking around topless at the pool because you couldn't really wear that under something. But if you were like that kind of person, like a goth girl who just, you know what? I'm fat. Deal with it. Yeah.

Here's my colostomy bag. I'm getting in the pool shirtless. You can wear that. Is it okay if I wear it to your pool? Read what it says. It says Floyd's ass bag on the front, and it's beautiful. It's very beautifully made it says miners and merchants

and Tick Sooner on the back read that for him storing Floyd's shit since 2001 storing Floyd's shit since 2001 and I'm sorry I don't have that guy's name but we've already announced him on the podcast.

Well, thank you. Someone else sent in this certificate. I'll read it for you. It says, Poop Expert. This certifies that Floyd Lillard has completed their studies at WhoPoop.org and is well-versed in the eating and pooping habits of cows, chickens, and goats. Yeehaw.

So there's a poop certificate. And this just came in today that Bingo. I recognize a lot of that. Yeah, this is well done. He recognized the poop on the certificate. This is some kind of floral display coming out of a colostomy bag full of mock shit with fake flowers blooming from the top on a stand okay i gotta get circle of life man get a picture don't know those are yours i need a picture you don't get a picture right it's going with you oh you're right well it's

not you can't take it with you but you you can take it with you yeah but you can take it with you. Yeah. And you can't look at your cell phone pictures in the afterlife. So just, yeah. It's good to have you back. We missed you. It was good to be back. I swear to you, there were times where I kept thinking about that fail bail thing we talked about. I just thought about it until the last 45 minutes. I got to start running now.

I got to start running now. I'm going to avoid all this. Grab some plastic jug pop-off vodka and run for the hills. Go to a Mexican resort and drink yourself until that cancer hits the part of you that makes you not be able to drink. Some of those stories eventually

are going to get ugly. Well, you were ugly before it started, and now you're back. This is so cool. This is a very, very, I'm not sure where I'm going to put it. Maybe the bathroom. Wherever you put it, Liz will make you take it down. Maybe.

Maybe not. It's flowers, so it's welcome in the kitchen. We heard some, you know how the Bisbee gossip mill works. So we heard, he's doing great, doing great, and then, oh, it's dire. And then everyone's telling everyone, oh, and you pulled out fine. Well, it was just that I had to go back in again. I was doing great, and then shit happens. Sometimes out of your mouth. Oh, that was just that I had to go back in again. I was doing great, you know, and then, you know, shit happens. Sometimes out of your mouth.

Oh, that was so ugly. Well, no wonder. And then I was hungry after that. Oh, that was the very next thing. You know, the very thing, they come in and says, we're going to do a surge, we're going to have to redo it. And I'm saying, oh, okay, damn it. And then about five minutes later,

this stupid little thing finally took a shit. You know, hey, wait, these shit, you don't have to do it. Wait, wait, wait, this stupid little thing finally took his shit. You know, hey wait these shit, you don't have to do it. My bag just pooped. And they said, oh, it's too late now. You gotta go back. Well, you're back.

What a fucking trooper. Still smiling. Like during the kiss. He'll be Like during the kiss. He'll be smiling more once we let him go back to relaxing over in a recliner because he forgot his donut to sit on. I'm okay so far. I get up to a certain point and it starts hurting.

Most of the pain is – I'm over most of the pain now. Well, that's why my niece, she's not just visiting for her birthday, but she's also here to rub analgesic salve on you anytime that you feel any kind of pain on any one of your... That's the best one yet. The best gift, yeah.

You guys went all out. I tell you, I'm going to use this ass bag. I swear to God, I'm going to find a way to actually use it. I know you will. I'm going to show it up at your pool party. Got my flotation device and an ass bag. I'm the only dude with a pool, and it's an above-ground pool.

You don't mind. I don't mind at all. You're always welcome. So you get some court Ziploc bags. The first time we went in that above ground pool uh there was a there was a no hot chick rule because it was all fat dudes it was all us fat untanned dudes so we only had a no hot chick rule which uh really we never had to lay into stone because it's not really been a problem or call it off yeah all right we're

gonna take a break and we'll be back after this actual commercial hey we've talked to you before about audible.com but are you one of those hipster douchebags who doesn't really count audible books as reading well you know what i have the bookstore for you right here in farmington maine twice old tales come on down to twice old tales you can get all sorts of we have over 180 titles that you can come down and read and uh they've been uh read before so you know that they're good because someone read them and bought them and then they gave them to us because nobody really reads books but if you still like a clunky bookshelf twice old tales right here in farmington main at 155 main street give us a call find out our hours we're at 207-778-4411 hey what was that number again doug 207-778-4411 where twice sold tales in farmington just uh somewhere

a long way from bangor enjoy your book all right now that we're back, Floyd, you run a museum of sorts, an antiquary? Yeah, 50 years of picking. That's what I've been doing since I was 14. You're a hoarder with an open sign? I'm not a hoarder. I don't keep the stuff. I like the stuff, but I like selling it. But if no one buys it, it's still for sale.

It makes me a collector when I can't sell it. Right. So I was just going to go back into twice-sold tails, but it's pointless. Let's get back to your poop flap. Okay. Your new bag. Yeah, well, no, the new leak was a problem. We thought it was all healed.

What? Say it out loud. Where we left off last time, Doug, was where he noticed the leaking lesion, the weeping lesion underneath his scar, and it was basically just pus or something, right? Yeah, it was stunk, and it was a little stuff. It was a weeping infection, probably greenish. Greg? Thank you. A little more towards

yellow. Anyway, I had to go back to see the surgeon and maybe Dave drove me. As a matter of fact, it was 112 stinking degrees in Tucson. Literally stinking.

They have an address Because you get there. They have an address. You get there, and there's 20 medical buildings, and you don't know which one it is. So it took us about a half hour to find which building it was. And the surgeon had to open it up, and now it wasn't weeping. It was like a stream, just pouring stuff out. Flowing, flowing yellow pus.

And it's a big – it seems there's a cyst in there. And so I had it to be cleaned out, and now it has to be cleaned every day, and I have to stuff. I have to stuff, and I actually have to use a mirror. I have to use a mirror to do this because, you know, I have to do it myself. I have to use the mirror, put the mirror between my legs, and then see what I'm doing and stuff this gauze down in there and soak up. Butter Cheeks knows what that's like.

Yeah. This is Amy Bingo Butter Cheeks. And then to go stand in the shower just before that to clean myself up. It's just a lot of maintenance, but it doesn't stink anymore. It's all clear. In case the ladies are listening. It's a little slow healing. If I could get this healed,

then I could get on with the rest of the stuff they got planned for me. Well, again, my niece out visiting for her birthday for two weeks alone for the first time. She's 18 turning 19. So she didn't have to be accompanied by a parental unit. So she's out here, and she's happy to plug leaking, weeping, open, gushing sores. I'm sure she would be. Like the Dutch boy? A finger in the dike.

You read that book, right? Some things I just prefer to do myself, despite how enticing they are. I'm just that kind of guy and uh and so how i won't even let my wife stuff this stuff down in into my wound i wouldn't even make her do that whoa whoa you're you're putting something into the wound like you're like fishing out a fucking pair of keys from a storm no i got a little bottle and it's got string in it that's i got antiseptic in it.

It looks like a shoestring. And I have to start stuffing it down in the hole about 10, 12 inches of it each time. Only 10 inches? You got a little tab hanging out. One time, I went to open up the...

It's a ripcord. I put gauze and tape over it. One time I opened it up and the string was gone. I go, oh, shit. I bet gauze and tape over it. One time I opened it up and the string was gone. I go, oh shit. I bet the ladies can sympathize with you. They've lost the string at some point. Line up. You'll tell your own stories after this.

Town hall style. The string's gone and you can't find it. I can imagine. We got experts here. I went looking for it and i couldn't find it so i but i'm a little oc sometimes you know i was got to be in there somewhere but i think it just fell out you know but the the nice thing is you wouldn't ask your wife to go digging around or plugging you full of gauze no i wouldn't. Would you let her put a finger in your stoma

if she were blowing you just to get that weird tickle? I'm just afraid it would hurt more. I don't know what's going to happen. Let's try this out. Don't think I'm weird. I once had an ingrown hair of epic proportions. I know, Doug, you've talked about this in the past. On the perineum, anyone?

The space in between the back of my balls and the front of the anus? Yes, I used to describe that as the separation between church and state. Yes. So I had something where I couldn't take a step with my right foot without whimpering. It was bad and this is when i was in the band so i was on stage and i was like why is that guy's got a screwed up face and i had i had to go i had to ask my girlfriend and not tracy the wonderful tracy who would do it i had to go back with my feet up above your ears oh my god and then she had to darling

and she had to pluck around at that thing because it's not yeah yeah and it's the thing where i'm telling it's like i'm guiding the fucking thing down to the titanic in the in the trench i'm like a little to the left because she's hitting it but i'm going oh no no but i'm i'm doing this blind man's bluff for her to pick that hair out. And then it was a thing that wouldn't close for a while. It was disgusting. Well, yeah, that's kind of in a weird place like Floyd's. Not 10 inches.

That's a weirder place. But asking someone to do something like that, talk about trust. Well, he wouldn't do that. He trusted himself, and that's why you're no longer in that relationship sucker liz is still around because floyd doesn't ask believe me it would hurt a lot more if she did it i know i just know yeah there's some things you have to just do yourself yeah i just but you know as soon as that heals up and i can get on with the chemo as soon as i get along with the chemo i can get along with my life so so just a as I get on with the chemo, I can get on with my life.

So just a life with the bag. Let's just close on that because I don't want to keep you. Any problems with the bag? What I was getting to. Well, okay. Yeah, but I did come out with a great idea. I got a new app for this. I didn't even know what an app was until today.

Apps, you can sell them for a lot of money, and I'm thinking of this one. He's about to whip out the bag. You're grasping at the bag. You don't want to see it. Oh, I want to see it. Do you see the way? This is why we need to do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is why we need to have some kind of camera on this podcast because if you've seen the way Chaley has ducked halfway under the table and still tried to maintain a professional radio attitude while he's trying not to throw up, I want you to pull out the bag. No offense, Floyd. No offense. Okay, no bag. But anyway, the bag has this little

foolproof thing on the end with Velcro to close it so that you can open it when you want to drain it and clean it, which I like to do a lot. And then you just got to make sure it's closed back up real good. A little Velcro strip makes that little click. And I was warned by

the nurse about 50 times to do that. And the other day I didn't. And fortunately, I was constipated the whole next day. I had a little very close call. It was just weird. Yeah. Bulging at the seams. I couldn't find anything on the floor anywhere.

Let's put it that way. But I started smelling stuff. I saw the tweet where you said the most important thing about being new to a colostomy bag is seal the flap. Hashtag, what's that on the floor? What if you had an app on your phone for that

to warn them? You left your flap open. See, I think you could sell them. What about red and green make brown? A little Ziploc thing. Ziploc, yeah. See, he's already stealing your idea. He's building better mousetraps

as you talk. I'm analog. He's digital. I just, you know, I like, I could just think that could be a very awkward social situation. I just can't imagine. Well, I wouldn't even have a social situation. Because you don't have any really control. It farts when it farts.

Yeah, I think we talked about that, putting a noisemaker on it. Yeah, well, a cat call. Yeah, some kind of talked about that, putting a noisemaker on it. Yeah. A cat call. Yeah, some kind of Mexican lowrider's horn. I'm hoping this leather bag will maybe mute some of that. I have a question, though. There should be a charcoal filter on that. A charcoal filter and some dead air padding? They have charcoal filters.

Floyd looks like he gained 80 pounds. No, that's the muffler on his colostomy pad. I actually lost 25 pounds. It was all rectum. Apparently I had a really big one. He said I lost 25 pounds and I'm just

staring at his eyebrows going you look the same weight to me. I have a question, though. We got these bags. I know I'm a visual thing. We got a bunch of these bags on your going away or your kiss your asshole goodbye party, and then we had someone send this one in.

Is this kind of what you're rocking right now? Yeah, this is the two-piece here, see? Oh, the two-piece. And the two-piece, well, no, this is a throwaway. This is a two-piece throwaway. Would you show my niece the bag? Because she does have a boyfriend, but different area code. She doesn't know the rules.

Ah. Bag. But anyway, the other bag. So that's not the one you've got now. This is a disposable... No, this isn't a two-piece. This is just a disposable. You take this off every day and throw it away.

Yeah. But... That's not green. That's not green at all. Do they have eco bags? I haven't found out yet. All right. Well, in this town, you're going to find out.

Paper? If Poco Kelly was here and she saw you throwing a plastic bag into a dumpster how about a hemp bag yeah how about hemp bags how about that government how about that obama you want something that works really good you want something that seals i i obama's stopping by the podcast uh soon i don't know if you've heard since now we're officially sponsored by twice sold books, twice old tales. I'm sorry. And audible occasionally.

I just, I find shit out at the break. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I was saying either. Where was I? Obama's coming by. Oh yeah. Obama's coming by maybe at the end of this podcast. I don't know.

Maybe next time. I don't know. Maybe next time. I don't know. Hey, people. I don't know how much we're going to be podcasting because my niece is in town. We're going to try to do fun shit with her. We're going to take her up to Tucson tomorrow, do some vintage shopping. I don't know what else to do. We'll check what Floyd, what his ideas are.

And we're going to take her across the border to Mexico just so she can say she went to Mexico because that's always a thrilling tale when you get back to Providence. Barrington. I'm almost crazy where I am. They don't know where fucking Barrington is. Don't worry.

They're not showing up. Believe me. They don't show up here. I give out my address all the time. 2 van dyke street bisbee arizona if you want to send more shit to floyd uh yeah colostomy bag related send it to them at 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 if i if i can do that every podcast i can just mention what state you live in and you'll you'll be fine oh then have them send shit to you what's your address again oh okay sends uh sydney stanhope s-i-d-n-e-y stanhope at 212 van dyke street and we'll forward

it to her as long as it's uh self-addressed stamped envelope or postage paid. We got another puppy. Yeah. If it's really good, we'll keep it. Another puppy. I talked over that. I suck.

We got another puppy. I think we should close on that. This is a short podcast because Floyd's looking gray and teetering. Let's let's take one more break and close on one of the things I have on paper in front of me and then we'll go. Please hold. Great news, kids. The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley so we have tour t-shirts podcast t-shirts

we have pop off vodka presents t-shirts get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shit load of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime a sad tragic bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and DVDs that span a lifetime, a sad, tragic, bloated lifetime

of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. All right, we're wrapping it up. Thank you for listening to this podcast. We'll try to get one out soon. But my biggest concern is trying to amuse my niece

who never has a look on her face like she's amused. She will not watch my comedy. She says she refuses to read my book. And I said, really? you won't read my book because she's a bookworm uh and uh she said no i want to like my family as though this is like all going to be trashing her family or i don't know what she meant by that if she gets on that mic maybe we find out but i i don't know. So yeah, I'm going to try to amuse her and try to make her think

I'm the coolest uncle in the world because I'm the only uncle she has. But I want to live up to it. We brought her out here as a kid. She came out, I think first we brought her shooting with Joby. Three years ago or something.

Well, she's been out here twice. Oh, okay. She's sitting like five feet from a microphone, but I'm smoking, and I try not to smoke around her. I smoke outside when she's here. She hates second hand smoke. She gets migraines and I go outside, but podcast, different rules.

So, yeah, the first time I think we brought her shooting guns with Jey when she's like 13 nice and then well i'm sorry i can't hear you if you're not on a mic that wasn't me you know if you want to if you want to correct me that's why i'm screwing things up on purpose so you get on the mic all you have to do is just talk right into just say driving just correct me you don't have to say anything but if you say, just say it into a mic. So the first time when you're 13 or so, we brought you driving. Is that correct?

You don't have to get on them. Go ahead and mumble, and I'll translate onto the mic for you. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. The President of the United States is going to translate. I told you people we were going to have Barack Obama on the podcast. And listen, I only have a few seconds with you because my niece is here. But all we asked you to fly in for, I wanted to ask you, why Marin? Why did you do Marc Marin's podcast and not ours?

I never considered you as white. I appreciate. I love it when black people like me. Black people like me. It's a great thing. But, I mean, Maron, he didn't even have booze. We have a full bar. We have minors here.

I have a minor child. Well, not a minor, but when it comes to a bar that marion's a jew right right enough said i think all right well thank you uh president obama uh but i have to get back to my niece so if you could just beat feet thank you the president finally showed up you're supposed to play the uh I don't think Derek even knows about the Marc Maron thing. I was waiting for Chad Shank to show up and I'm sorry, Chad, I've been busy and I

desperately always want you here, but I go, we'll just have Chad Shank be Obama and go, fucking Maron didn't even have booze and shit and we were going to plan it out a little bit. And then you also didn't tell Derek he was going to do it. Yeah, I know. He just showed up. Derek, do you know who Mark Maron is?

I saw that thing on the news. That's a no. That's a no. Yeah, he saw the thing on the news. We all saw the thing on the news. How did he get you out of that? He saw the thing on the news. I don't know.

I just want Jack Jameson, you fucking cunt. Huh? How many emails did you send to Mark Maron going, oh, you know, me and my friends are going to write you off because you laughed at the word nigger on your fucking podcast. Well, you know what? The president said it the next week on a podcast. You sending emails to him, Jack Jameson, you fucking nothing.

You and your friends, you're going to write off the president? He's a dead duck anyway. We're going to write you off, Mr. President and Mark Maron. How dare you let the word nigger be... Fuck you, Jack Jameson. I'll never forget your name. Anytime this comes up, I will shit on you.

Go fuck yourself. Back to my niece. or do we just close on that close we'll just close on that hey i'll be uh i'll be goofing off with my niece for the next uh week and a half and but we'll try to get a podcast in hey stay tuned and thank you everyone uh for uh listening and you're all good people let's's close on, have we done a Welcome Back Cotter theme song since Floyd? Let's do a Welcome Back. We haven't done it since.

Welcome back. Oh, we haven't done it since I sang it to a front desk guy at the airport hotel. He's like, welcome back, Mr. Stan. Welcome back. We both sang the first verse. Your dreams were your ticket out. And he went, what's that?

I'll tell you what it is. It's this. Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about. Well, the names have all changed since you hung around. But those dreams have remained and they've turned around. Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya just Back here where we need just Back here where we need just Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back

We always could spot a friend Welcome back, welcome back. We always could spot a friend. Welcome back. And I smile when I think how you must have been. And I know what I seen you were learning in. Was there something that made me come back again? And what could ever lead you? What could ever lead you? Back here where we need ya Back here where we need ya

Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. And I know what I seen you were learning in. Was there something that made me come back again? Then what could ever lead ya?

What could ever lead ya? Back here where we need ya Back here where we need ya Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back Welcome back, welcome back Yeah welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Welcome back, welcome back. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back, welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.