The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. 84: Doug Abducts His Niece to Meet Johnny Depp

Episode Date: July 6, 2015

Doug abducts his niece, Sidney, to meet Johnny Depp in Australia for her birthday. Comedian Geoff Tate and Chaille chime in.Recorded July 05, 2015 at the Four Points Sheraton in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Sidney Stanhope, Geoff Tate (@GeoffTate96), Bingo (@bingobingaman) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-Geoff Tate - http://www.justanotherclown.com/Author Jon Ronson - http://amzn.to/1gl1mC2Troy Holm Incident - http://bit.ly/1HJILeTStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing Song, "Funeral Party" by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Here, just talk into the mic. When you talk into it, just keep it this close to your lips. So we're just sound checking right now, so just say something. This is heavier than I thought it would be. All right. Okay. Most podcasts are. And that's Jeff Tate with the opening salute to the Doug Stanhope podcast.

Still trembling from the flight home from Australia. We actually started this podcast a bit earlier, right before Women's Cup final. And we go ahead, we'll crank out 20 minutes, and then we'll pause, and we'll go watch World Cup and come back. And I didn't like how it started. And then 10 minutes 15 minutes in the world cup we get to the bar it's already fucking two nothing and then within two minutes it was four nothing and then after that it got boring yeah it got pretty boring but we did have

cocktails and i started the first podcast i still had morning shakes going should we do this later i shouldn't uh still have the trembles. So, Ed, now we're doing it because we're talking to Sydney, my niece, who is dead asleep, listening to audible.com. How about that? They're not even a sponsor on this podcast, so fuck them. But you were listening to them because I told Sydney, my niece, hey, while you're out here here figure out how to use audible.com because they're sponsoring some of our podcasts and i don't know how to use it and she figured it out and now she's been listening to books on audible.com that i've said three times and they're not even a fucking

sponsor i hear they have over 10 000 titles 180 000 goddamn titles well i wasn't wrong. That's still over 10,000. They have 10,000 plus 170,000. Yeah. I mean, they have way over 10,000 titles. Far more than three titles. Yeah. So many more. But the top three, those are good.

Yeah. Sydney reads fiction and shit or listens to. I always had a hang up with with that, where I go, oh yeah, I read that, but I listened to it on tape, so there's an asterisk. I think we went over this. So we hijacked my niece. We abducted her.

She thought she was coming out to spend two weeks for her birthday, for the first time without her dad or her brother. They generally come out once a year, or I go back there once a year. for her birthday for the first time without her dad or her brother. They generally come out once a year, or I go back there once a year. You've been here a few times to Arizona. But now you're an adult. You could die for your country. You're 18, now 19.

And so I'm writing this book. Here's how it starts. I have an open invite from johnny depp we saw him bingo and i were heading we're going from we went to la for a visit and then we were going to mexico so it's big vacation in march april and we hooked up with johnny depp and he said hey uh he fucked up his finger really bad so we had to take a break from filming pirates of the caribbean 75 but he's going back to australia when we saw him and he said hey you should come to australia i have my own go-kart track where they put me up on my uh my estate in the hinterlands and you should come and i i fucking can't because i gotta write to write this book. I already had milked too much time not writing the book, and I had a hard date.

So I'm sitting there the whole time writing this book, frustrated, losing even more hair, going, I could be fucking writing go-karts with Johnny Depp right now. I'm writing this stupid book. And then Sydney's coming out for two weeks. So I had two weeks doing the Canadian tour. Thank you, Canada. We had a blast. If I haven't already said that, it's always great up there. And then I scheduled Sydney to come in right

after Canada. So the break from the book is one long thing. Alright, it's two weeks of Canada, two weeks of Sydney. We landed and she came in the next day. So we never went back to Bisbee. We stayed in and she came in the next day. We stayed here. So we never went back to Bisbee. We stayed in Tucson.

Yeah, we're at the Sheraton Four Points, my home away from home, right at the, I almost said the Bisbee Airport. This is the Bisbee Airport. It's also the Douglas Airport. So yeah, we stayed here, picked her up, and I had thought, you know what? Even with the open invite, I don't want to fucking bother Johnny Depp. I assume even though he doesn't drink, he's fucked up and doesn't remember. I put all my shit on other people. I'm some dude.

I'm just a problem if I call him. I texted him a few times and his sister, Christy, going, I should fucking just get on a plane and go ride go-karts. Go. Come on. Do it. I didn't do it. Then Sydney. That's a long story.

I'll tell that at the end. I already told it, but I'll tell it at the end. So I thought maybe it needs the story. Yeah. I don't even know what you're talking about you i did you have in full genado oh yeah no it needs that story but it also uh you didn't did you mention that uh for some reason johnny depp just has go-kart tracks well we find out yeah we find out later why i need to come ride go-karts because he has them yeah exactly and i just gave that irish dude my dude my number that we're sitting at the bar with and said, hey.

Yeah, take that, Earl. That's what you get if you're not a fucking shithead. You end up with Stan Hope's number, you confounding motherfucker. Do you remember Earl from last night? She's the only one of us that should remember Earl from last night. We were fucked up. She's the only one of us that should remember Earl from last night. We were fucked up.

I didn't remember until the bartender said, wow, what was that? That Earl guy. And I'm like, what? She goes, the guy? And I'm like, oh, the Scarface guy. Anyway, this cool guy we just met at the bar. He just moved here from Ireland. And I'm like, yeah, fucking come down to Bisbee. You get some nine to five job that he hates.

Come down to Bisbee. You get some nine-to-five job that he hates. Anyway, let me get back to Kevin Fulginato. Not his real name. I don't want you to Troy Holm the guy. Uh-oh. Room service is here. We're going to have to hit pause.

Hold on. Hold on. Just let it go. Let it go? Yeah. All right. We'll let it go. You don't have to talk. Yeah, but we can.

Here's the thing. I'm writing this. That wasn't 30 minutes. I'm the thing. I'm writing this. That wasn't 30 minutes. I'm pausing. I'm pausing. All right. Back to Kevin Fulginato is not the guy's real name. I'm writing this book, and there's a lot of shit that I weeped openly at times just going through shit,

just the pressure of trying to remember what did I do with my life? What actually happened? But there was a story that my brother had told me that I kind of remembered, but when he told me again, made me murderous. About this time when we were living in Paxton, Massachusetts, and these kids fucked with him, like a John Hughes movie, like the movie

Carrie, Stephen King. That kind of just set him up to look like a fool. They didn't dump blood over his head, but it was still enough that I asked for names. I want the fucking names of these kids that did this shit to you

so I can look them up on Facebook and fantasy murder them and their children and their wives because that's what I do. That's how I burn off steam. Yeah. That's how you write a book. So I find this one guy, Kevin Fulginato, not his real name, but anyone from Paxton will know this guy if they're from the same class.

And you will fucking openly hate and mock him and slap his kid off a bicycle and then say, oh, I'm sorry. I was reaching out to grab my mail out of the mailbox and you rode kid off a bicycle and then say, oh, I'm sorry, I was reaching out to grab my mail out of the mailbox and you rode by on a bicycle and I slapped you off your bicycle accidentally. But we're in the middle of the street. You don't know where my mailbox is, you fucking kid. How dare you question your elders. Are you baby Fulginato?

I got a message for your dick dad. Smack. Well, I'm going through his Facebook page. I find this douche on his Facebook page. He's one of the criminal four. And one of the pictures is him. It's his dumb kid about my niece's age, my brother's daughter. They have kids about the same age,

and he's standing there with fucking Matthew McConaughey in a picture. Because Matthew McConaughey evidently stayed, like, next door during them, they were filming something, and he stayed next door, and his friend became, his kid became friends with Matthew McConaughey. And I hated him even fucking more. And then I thought, hey hey my niece is coming out here and I've been toying with this idea of fuck this I'm just gonna get on a flight because how often can you say you went go-kart riding on the fucking not the set but the in Australia with goddamn Johnny Depp and I thought fuck you I'm bringing my goddamn niece so she has a picture on her father's facebook page of her

with johnny depp who's way better than matthew mcconaughey and it wasn't just because you stayed next to him it's because i actually fucking know him fuck you i'll kill you and your kid kevin fulginato yeah yeah johnny depp johnny depp wasn't uh doing you a favor by taking a picture with her he He wanted to. Yeah, exactly. Matthew McConaughey is actually just trying to get his mail. And he has to talk to this fucking toe-headed... Baby Fulginato.

Baby Fulginato. But it was that sentiment of murder and spite that made me go, you know what, I am going to be that guy. And you invited me repeatedly, so I'm going to take you up on it what? I am going to be that guy. And you invited me repeatedly. So, you know, I'm going to take you up on it. And we're going to trick Sidney. Did you tell Johnny Depp this was all about how fucking shitty Matthew McConaughey is? That that's what drove you to do this?

I actually did, but you're getting ahead of yourself. Actually, I tried to tell him this story truncated when we first. But let me skip back to Sydney has no idea. She thinks she's just coming out to spend two weeks at our house. She's not full of this whole plot. Just another back story. Alright, how do we surprise my niece

by getting her onto several different flights to Australia and then a long car ride to a weird obscure place on the Gold Coast without her knowing something's up. And we did it. She came.

I had to do a couple days of... We were filming some weird shit for another thing at the house. So she showed up and I'm like, all right, I got to focus on this for two days. Hang on, Sydney. As soon as I'm done with this, then things will be fun. The party starts. Her birthday celebration. And I thought, you know what? She'll be

really interested anyway, watching me film dumb shit, which she wasn't. She didn't have any interest at all. So I'll be inside reading. I agree. Well, that's because we've done it. I've filmed dumb shit, and it's hard for me to get interested in it.

Yeah, but at least you'd think she'd be interested long enough to know how boring it is. She didn't even put baby steps into it. It's fine. Fine, we're setting her sights low on this vacation. She knows Bisbee's generally boring until we get drunk and then it's irritating. That's kind of the day. Two steps. And then we sleep in. But usually her dad's there, so

he makes up the morning slack. I have a really hard time talking to folks at all in the morning. My best friends, much less people I don't know how to amuse. So we already have the tickets in place. You just spent 10 minutes explaining that we dumped 25 minutes of this podcast we recorded at 3.30 p.m.

We all believe you. All right. Good. We're on the same page. So we tell her, as soon as I'm done my work, I say, okay, we're going to go up on Friday. We're going to shop in Tucson. We're going to do some shopping for your birthday. It's not my birthday.

Well, the whole thing is your birthday. You're here for two weeks. It's all your birthday. When we do Super Bowl parties, they generally last eight to ten days. Some people fly in early, before the Super Bowl. Some people fly in that day of the Super Bowl and stay late. It's a long fucking party. So you get that. Yeah. So we come up shopping.

The thing that she doesn't know, the only reason we're in Tucson is we have a 6 a.m. flight or a 7 a.m. flight out of Tucson to start this pilgrimage that she's being abducted on. So we do shopping. Then we say we say hey we're just going to stay at the uh hotel by the airport so we can use their pool because it's 106 degrees we'll go use their pool it'll be fun she doesn't know that in the morning we're fucking beating feet to the airport we get to the hotel across the street the double, you motherfuckers. The hotel is taken over by a Mexican wedding.

This is not a small hotel. It's a huge hotel, and almost every room is some Mexican wedding. They're disbanding. So as soon as we check in, we start seeing all these tuxedos and dresses come out of cars. And we're like, get in the pool now, because it's only a matter of time. And it was minutes before the pool flooded with this entire Mexican wedding, like wall-to-wall elevator crunch of Mexicans mostly wearing their T-shirts. It's fucking laundry day for a Mexican wedding. You can't even get in the pool and the

rooms have no air conditioning the air conditioning's out so sydney not only is she overheated from the shopping on fourth avenue in 106 degrees now can't even get in the pool and and the room is no better because the room is 108 degrees now she really thinks that her fucking vacation is going south. I say, listen, you gotta be up at 6am. I found some fun, but we have to be out of here at 6am. And that's when

Sydney gets snappy. She's like, if I'm getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning, you're gonna tell me what the fuck we're doing. That's another thing about Sydney. Sydney's a very sheltered polite girl gives me shit all the time for not saying please bingo fix my collar say please but but at the same time sydney's dropping fucking f-bombs the first two days she said almost nothing then she drops in a shit. Like this podcast. Yeah, that's her. She's eating food.

Don't worry. She'll chime in. The second day, this podcast is really going to sing. Then she's dropping F-bombs out the fucking... Really amusing. Yeah. But, yeah, she was unamused when she goes, if I'm waking up at 6 o'clock, I go, you're not waking up at 6 o'clock.

We have to be gone by 6. So you're going to wake up at 5.30clock i go you're not waking up at six o'clock we have to be gone by six so you're gonna wake up at 5 30 and have all your shit when we left bisbee i said bring everything you have just in case we there's a lot of like it's summertime in tucson it's really hot no one you can get really good deals on these resorts with multiple pools so just bring all your shit and then we're leaving because I know she's never going to see Bisbee again. Right.

All I left was my laptop, a couple books, and a thing. And this is as we're about to leave. And I go, okay, good. That's fine. And then I have bingo run interference while I go bag up her laptop, two books, and the other thing I can mail

to you. It's kind of like you're murdering someone. Like getting rid of all traces. Yeah, but this is over a course of... Oh, yeah. We're having to plan this beat by beat. Yeah. So in the morning at 6 a.m., we're out front waiting for the shuttle.

Well, we drove up here, and she's going, where's our car? And I go, oh, well, this driver uh it's in a secure lot and he has the pass so you have to take the shuttle to and she believes that for about the two and a half minutes it takes to get to the airport departures where we check into a flight she doesn't know why we're flying where we're flying anything i'll let I give her a boarding pass that says Salt Lake City. That's our connection. That's all she knows. So we get on the flight.

I would love to fucking describe that this is off topic, but we had this flight attendant that was a miracle. Imagine a developmentally delayed person. This is a small shuttle flight, two-seat, two-seat commuter jet. And this guy probably 35 looked like he had a toupee.

And he, imagine a developmentally delayed person with an abject fear of flying on his first day as a flight attendant. He's quivering. He's reading directly from the book. Like the announcement? The announcement, yes. So he's reading directly from the book and like the announcement? the pre-flight announcement so he's never flown we've never been flight attendants

but we could do that thing word for fucking word he's reading it out of the book flop sweats so bad he has a rag with him that he's mopping sweat like a rapper his toupee hair which I don't think was a toupee, is stuck to his forehead.

And he's trembling when he talks. And he's over. But you could tell he practiced it in his basement, like Rupert Pupkin. Yeah. King of comedy. And he's doing this. And when it calls for the hand gestures for there's exits here here and the floor

lighting well he sets the book down mops his sweat and then does the hand gestures way too late for the announcement I was so transfixed by this guy like if I if I were like if you were like a SNL person that does

characters you would have studied this guy I have notes. I just can't do his voice. I'm on the 7 a.m. flight from Tucson to Salt Lake City in the morning. I am hoping to Christ. His name's James. I don't think I need. James B.

I don't think I need a name. Yeah, you'll know. I feel like if he starts talking, I'll be like, oh, this is the guy. Yeah, it's the guy. Just look for the towel, right? It'll be the first time in six years I've shut my headphones off for that fucking announcement. If someone rushed the cockpit with a box cutter, he would have fell fetal and shrieked.

Yeah. I mean, isn't that what they did? That's all the news that day. It's not like anything stopped them. Well, with the Delta perks that I get, they give you four, like, do you want to name someone who's good for the company kind of comment card? Yeah. with the Delta perks that I get, I, they give you four comp, uh, like, uh, do you want to name someone who's good for the company?

Kind of comment card. Hey, do you want to give someone props, fill out this and say what? Nice. So we've all three of us filled out. I burned out my supply of comps for this guy and he's patting his head, mopping his brow.

Thank you very much. That was very nice of you. What did you write? I don't even remember. I don't know. You his brow. Thank you very much. That was very nice of you. What did you write? I don't even remember. I don't know. You're usually drunk when you do those. Well, it's Tucson Airport. The bar is open at 6 a.m.

That's what Sidney's... Sidney had said, this is hilarious, because we had to meet with those people about the things, shit I was filming. They showed up at 4 in Bisbee. She had just got there. And we were like, oh, we better grab ice. This is going to be a drinking meeting.

And Sidney goes, you guys drink at four o'clock in the afternoon? I said, it's Bisbee. No one has a job. So you drink whenever you feel like drinking. You just dart whenever. You drink when someone gets ice. So get that ice yeah yeah so yeah two days later it's 6 a.m and we're ordering cocktails that we don't even have to order

because we're regulars at the airport bar they know what we drink so sydney not only doesn't know where she's flying or what the fuck's going on they know us by name and they bring our drinks without having to ask at 615 a.m a.m so we get on we get on the salt lake leg still won't tell her where we're going she sees that we're we're going through lax so she doesn't know that till she sees at the gate lax but it's uh co however they co it's a partnership delta airlines flight 154 or whatever and then it also says virgin australia and i'm like uh she's looking at where we're going but oh i hope that's not a giveaway like this whole time we're terrified how are we going to pull this off this long? Because in L.A. we have a 12-hour layover. So, no, you can say fuck.

Yeah. So we get to L.A. Brett Erickson picks us up with Julie Seabubbles at the airport. She still has no idea. We go drop our shit at their apartment. Hey, we're going to go shop on Melrose for the afternoon. And so we have all this time to kill. I tweeted.

I go, I'm trying to amuse my unamused niece for nine hours in L.A. Any ideas? And all these people, it creates open mic for, hey, dude, drugs. Fucker. All my fans are like the worst. I replied. Oh, I think. Yeah, my favorite place to hang out is the departure terminal from LAX.

I do remember that. Why would you leave? You're leaving LA. That's the best. Well, we get in at noon, and we have a midnight flight. So we take her in. We shop all up and down Melrose. Had a lot of fun.

Again, just like shopping in Tucson, mostly for us. Vintage clothes she doesn't give a shit about. You get a nice pair of shoes. And at the end of shopping, it's still like four or five. We still have a lot of time to kill. And I said, hey, don't even think about taking a nap because we have a really long flight next. And she goes, how long? I went, it's just long.

Just trust me. Is it like eight hours? And I went, it's 14 hours. And you could see her spirit leave her. She's already like giving us shit for taking us out shopping for her birthday when it's just shopping for us. She has no idea where she. Oh, this is fucking great. When I tweeted that, Drew Carey tweets back and said, bring her over to my place.

He has this fucking huge mansion up on Mulholland. Bring her over to my place. He can jump on the trampoline and play in the pool. I'm serious. DM me. And so I asked her. She has no idea who Drew Carey is. She looked up.

She Googled his picture and it didn't even seem familiar whatsoever. I'm going to do this joke from earlier because I still like it. But if I Google imaged him now, I wouldn't recognize him either. He looks very different. He looks very different. Like now if you look at him, he looks like he's the singer in Everclear. Bleach blonde. Yeah.

No glasses. Blonde hair. Contacts. Yeah. Trim. Surprised he doesn't live in Santa Monica. No glasses. Blonde hair. Contacts. Yeah. Trim. Surprised he doesn't live in Santa Monica. You can take that one out. I don't understand why you have to know who Drew Carey is to want to jump on a trampoline

and play in a pool at a mansion. Why didn't you just say, do you want to... A mansion has invited us over. I'm sorry. I don't know the mansion. I don't know the mansion. I looked it up. I don't know the mansion. I don't know the mansion. I looked it up. I don't know what mansions are.

She would never tell you. She would never betray her face of unamusement. When she got to Bisbee, first thing, because we've been on the road for two weeks, so the fridge is empty. So we went to Safeway right away. And at the end,

she had nothing in the cart and I'm like you gotta you get something you like to eat I don't know what you eat anything anything's fine and I go I'm gonna stay here till you put five things in the cart and she just looked we're in produce and she looked at the tomatoes she goes I'll just take five tomatoes and put them in the cart. All right, fuck you then. She's 19, but you're like Sandler in that Big Daddy movie. You're like, I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with my knee. You want stuff?

You can go find it. Do we change them? We don't even have to call you Sydney if you don't. Like, whatever you want. So we get to LAX. I finally tell her we're going to Australia because she's going to figure it out once we get in there. Because she was getting kind of cranky. So I tell her Australia.

She figures out. Oh, because she has her meds because every fucking kid in the world is on meds. And she has to figure out the timing of the thing if she's. So I go, yeah, no idea. But she calms down once we tell her we're going to australia still not pleased about a 14 hour flight we actually left hollywood and stayed at the uh i just for three hours just to get her out of shit and having a deal with talking to the, you know, the Brechels and Hennigan and we got a Hilton, Airport Hilton, the fucking Thug Hilton.

I want to trash you relentlessly. Every, actually, every airport hotel at LAX is Thug Central, because they all border on the ghetto, and all the upscale ghetto people, not the kids selling crack out of his pocket. His boss is boss. They all hang out at the upscale ghetto people, not the kid selling crack out of his pocket.

His boss's boss. They all hang out at every upscale fucking. But that's where I told her, we're going to Australia. We're in the Hilton. And I said, before I told her, she goes, you have to tell me. She's starting to panic and break down. And I said, all right, first guess. Do you have any idea she tells me her friends guess spain and germany and i go i already told you oh i i told her

earlier in tucson i want to take you to a movie in the winter and she's like what does that even mean i go i just want to take you to a movie in the winter. Thinking eventually she'll go, oh, I see what you meant back then when you said that. It's so clever because it's a different hemisphere. So when I said guess, I said, I already told you, it's winter where we're going. She said, how am I supposed to know the temperature of every country? No, you're talking to a microphone. If you're going to talk at all, just say a couple words so people know you're actually here. Say what you just said because I was hilarious.

I'm not going to say that. Say it. She said you gave her a Jewish man's voice. You did. Hold on to that. My hands are gross. If I gave you your voice, they wouldn't hear what I said. So you said your friends guessed Spain and Germany, et cetera.

And then I finally told you Australia. When your friends were guessing, was there one in your head you were like, I hope it's that one? No. It's like you were just hoping that maybe did you have any hopes at all no it was more fear i think she was more afraid i'm sure there were places you didn't want to go have you ever had hopes no massachusetts is a real motherfucker isn't it i don't live in massachusetts what i don't live in Massachusetts. I don't live in Massachusetts. Rhode Island, Maine.

She goes to school in Maine. Rhode Island is a real cheery place. I swung and missed on that one. The drive from here at the airport in Tucson to Bisbee, you could drive through probably five of the six states in New England in an hour and 45 minutes.

It's the same thing. Yes, Massachusetts and 45 minutes. It's the same thing. Yes, Massachusetts, Rhode Island. It's the same thing. Bleak. So I'm going to skip over. Fuck you, Sky Club Delta. I've done nothing but promote you against your will,

and you fucked me. I bragged to my niece about how since I'm the fucking top echelon, a million miler diamond status on Delta. Oh, that's all right. We can get to the airport early because we can just lounge around the Sky Club. But no, since your partner, Virgin Australia, that you flew us on. Oh, you're ticketed through Virgin Australia. And they look at you top echelon of their, as a tiny molded piece of dog turd.

So I can't get in fucking anywhere. Angry. All right. On to 14 hours. Flying. And this is where you're going to. You know what? We're going to break.

We're going to let you finish your cheeseburger. You take your time. We're going to break. We're going to let you finish your cheeseburger. I've got at least an hour. You take your time. We're going to break. We'll go smoke a cigarette because this is where I need you to fill in a lot of the blanks because this is a midnight flight, 14 hours from LAX to Brisbane, Australia. Still don't know where you're going. Well, you know where. You know what country.

You stopped asking. You didn't ask cities or anything. No details. Hey, how often when you're in Brisbane, Australia, do you accidentally say Brisbane? Because that seems fun. Whimsical. Could have been fun. Could have been fun.

So, yeah, because I need you to fill in as we depart after my angry calls to the Sky Club for not fucking letting me in. You motherfuckers. I want to call them right now and relive that. Oh, we should do that. We can do that on the podcast, right? No, we don't. We don't have that. We don't have the can't record phone calls.

Okay. Not with this cheap set. We're in a fucking. Anyway. yeah. Sidney's going to have to fill you in on some of the hijinks after I took a one milligram Xanax and an over-the-counter after several cocktails at a caviar bar that they do have at the LAX Tom Bradley International Terminal, but none of that good lump fish cheap

shit they had high dollar stuff that i didn't even finish uh yeah she's gonna have to fill you in on what the fuck happened on 14 hours of flying because i guess i did some weird shit and almost got into a fight but i don't remember a lot of it all right please hold we'll be back after this uh real commercial that's fake. Hey, for those of you who know how this story goes, because you follow me on Twitter, the fans paid for this. Yes, thank you, fans, who made me be the man that I am with all the disposable income to hijack my niece and bring her to Australia on a whim

to meet Johnny Depp. How is that possible? Even though I didn't work for seven months going into Canada? You, you parasite motherfuckers who make me work and buy my shit, thank you. Now that I've spent on my

manic spree, now the depression sets in where you have to buy merch. Buy it, give it to thrift stores, give it to the needy. Buy t-shirts, Killer Termites t-shirts, Doug Stano podcast t-shirts, CDs, albums, cassette tapes tapes i don't care what you

buy go to doug stanhope.com and go to the merch page and buy something so i can do this again next year and maybe it's you next time maybe next time i bring a fan to johannesburg and we ride around with ambulance drivers because i just watched that documentary on Netflix. And it's horrific. So maybe we do something horrible to you. Either way, my point is I couldn't do this without you. I couldn't do this podcast without Greg Chaley. Donate here button.

I think there's a donate here button that keeps Greg Chaley in town that gets this podcasting gear to whatever location I'm at when we have to talk. Thank you. And now back to the podcast already not in the top 100. And now we're back with Sydney, who's almost done. And when you said it's going to take you an hour to eat a cheeseburger, I believe you. Because I've watched you eat breakfast every fucking day. And if you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a drinker, Sidney.

And in the morning, I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see bingo. I don't want to see the sun. I don't want to see bingo. I don't want to see the sun. I don't want to see the many empties littered around my nightstand, but I see your charming face. Are you awake yet?

Can we have breakfast? And then you eat so goddamn slowly. I go out for three cigarettes. I come back. You're still eating. I think you're doing it to fuck with me. I feel like Bad Santa. And you're the kid from Bad Santa.

The blonde-headed kid? What's with you and the sandwiches? Are you fucking with me? You smoke American Spirits, too, so that takes a while. Yeah, yeah. That's a long three cigarettes. yeah in australia it was fucking cold but let's get to the plane ride first because there was 14 hours i've been drinking for quite a while we actually paced ourselves during the day didn't really drink where i normally would but yeah once we're at the airport, I'm drinking, I'm eating shitty caviar, I'm yelling at the Delta Sky Clubs for fucking just, how dare you? The loyalty I've shown you, that's all I could think about.

Much less, I should get some hummus for the plane, that keeps. So, Sydney, you weren't even at the caviar bar. She had to sit at a separate place because you were eating something where I could see you, but there's some imaginary line between the restaurants. So you had to sit there where I could wave at you, but I can't bring alcohol over there, and you can't come to, oh, do you remember the guy with the voice at the bar? That's a yes from Sidney. Sidney is nodding.

And giggling and laughing. This guy had this voice almost like Andy Bingo Bingerman. He had this voice. And he'd only... He'd talk in short clips. And I go, oh, can i get that yeah you watch something i go does anyone ever ask you questions that require more than a yes or no answer just to

hear your voice at length well that happens to every now and i can't even do it it's this deep voice but phlegmy too it was a heavy a heavy phlegm, but it was beautiful. That's fun, because your question is technically just a yes or no. True. But, yeah, he wanted it. But he was a guy that loved to make cocktails like this. Oh. Where I asked, I go, would I be a dick if I asked for an old-fashioned eat?

And he just lit up. He's like your dad, my brother. He's a chef. He wants you to challenge him as a cook. This guy wanted you to challenge him. He's so bored because it's a caviar and champagne bar. And he's like, there's only so many times you can pour champagne. I'm doing such a disservice.

Frank was his name, I'm pretty sure. Of course, it has to be. Anyway, we get on. I'm full of Frank's cocktails. I had an old-fashioned. I had a sidecar as well as the vodka sodas I'd started with. We get on the plane. There's some fucking weird guy in the row in front of us,

and Bingo's clumsy on the plane. There's some fucking weird guy in the row in front of us. And Bingo's clumsy on the plane. And where am I going? And he gave her a dirty look and rolled his eyes as he's stretching his back. And she didn't be in the fucking aisle anyway. And all I remember is, I'm going to fucking punch this guy in the ribs because he has his hands up. But the guy turns out to be fucking crazy. He's a passenger. Yeah, and he's in the window seat in front of us. But the guy turns out to be fucking crazy. He's a passenger.

Yeah, and he's in the window seat in front of us initially, and he's taking pictures of everything. Like you do, Chaley will take pictures of our luggage as we set them to check them on the weigher. Just so if our baggage gets lost, he can show them a picture rather than fill out a form. This guy's taking pictures. At first, I thought in case he's drunk, I'll remember

which overhead cabin, but he's taking pictures. He's taking pictures of the seatbelt sign. Don't get up? Yeah. Wow. of like the seatbelt sign. Like don't get up? Yeah. Wow.

Just like the light up thing. And then he turns around and looks at us like dead ass in the face and goes, don't tell anyone. And then he steps up on top of his window seat, walks across the two people in the middle of an aisle, walks across their fucking seats and goes to the bathroom. Oh, no, that's when he said, will you change seats with me? Yeah, he walked right over them and then stood in the aisle and looked at the guy in the aisle seat and was like, switch seats with me. And the guy was like, OK, that's fine. And then he went to the bathroom and I ring the flight attendant button. I'm fucking ratso right now.

Yeah, this guy's fucking crazy. And I'm cross-eyed drunk. So the woman with this giant fake Cheshire cat smile listens to my story. And I'm going, no, he just walked across those two people. And with this giant Virgin Australia smile that has been burned into her the same way customer service don't ever hang up first has been burned into Indian call centers. Says, there's open seats if you'd like to change your seat. I'm going, no, you're not listening. This guy is crazy.

He walked across the laps of these two people. So she moves up to those two people and says, there's open seats available if you'd like to change your seats. And they're like, we're fine. All right, fine, keep an eye on them. You're the one making the trouble, though. Yeah, exactly. So I knocked out. No, before that, first you were quoting The Art of War to me.

Oh, yeah, I was trying to quote the art of war where Sun Tzu says, have the higher ground, and I said on an airplane, having the seat behind the offending army is the same as having the high ground because I can film him and he doesn't even know I'm filming him. No, you're doing it. Not really filming him. Just have your phone right up to the back of his seat so he can think you're filming him.

Because he kept turning around and looking peripherally at us. He was a dick. He was. He was insane. He's a crazy dick. And he didn't sleep the whole time. Not 14 hours. That guy, I woke up a few times here and there.

So it's like putty in that Seinfeld episode where you just sat there. You don't have anything to read? No. You're not going to go to sleep? Staring at the back. The headrest. Staring at the back of the headrest. Just insane.

Anybody who doesn't sleep. Anybody who just sits there and just, what the fuck? Sidney was doing that. Sidney. I was watching movies. A lot of times you weren't watching movies. I go, see a movie no you're just sitting there one time sydney asked bingo um how do you open the bathroom door i don't know how long you not her she slept the entire time that's right she did she slept entire time. 14 solid hours. She asked me

really sweet, like it hurt my heart a little bit, wondering how long she's held a piss. Because it was a bathroom door where you have to push it in. You couldn't see the push sign. It was pitch black and the whole thing. I'm with you. Because you're such a...

I was on one the other day that had an actual knob and opened like a real door and i couldn't fucking figure it out i've never seen that before on an airplane there's always a slidey or a pushy or a rolly but this one was just a door and i was standing in the galley and i was like i don't i'm very sorry ma'am i do not know how to make this work she just twists the knob and pulls it open. Oh, like a door. This one's like a door. Somehow you were going to affect the yaw of the plane or the pitch. I did not know.

I do remember I was rocking out to ABBA at one point. I slept. I went to sleep. We slept for the first, like, seven hours. And I think we woke up about the same time. Oh, my God. The idea of sleeping for the first seven and having another seven. Yeah.

Oh, it's so good. And then I re-up. Ding dong. Free cocktail. Thank you. One more. Thank you. And another downer.

But in that time, yeah, I showed her how to open the bathroom door. I still didn't figure it out, Ben, when you showed me. It took me until, I think, the next plane to figure it out. It wasn't that flight, but at one of the flights coming back, I looked over at Sydney across the aisle on that one, and she's studying the emergency evacuation procedures. You know what? Fuck you.

I'm being safe. There's nothing weird about being safe. Talk about that trifle, the trifled card that's in the... On the mic. Eat the mic. Eat the mic. I'm not eating the mic. It's a metaphor or whatever, right?

Like, you don't actually have to eat the microphone. You just have to put it closer to your face. Don't let the audience at home miss all of your sharp barbs. Have you ever been inside a... I was inside an airplane bathroom and couldn't figure out how

to get the door to open to get out of it. Once again, probably because you had to push? No, I still don't remember. I ended up getting it open but I tried a bunch of things. You did get out. Clearly, your presence suggests that you've got once again probably because you had to push i have no i still don't remember like oh i ended up getting you did get out clearly your presence but i also do yes i also don't mind that because you can just stand there and like people like it's gross in the bathroom like the fucking whole airplane's disgusting yeah it's gross until there's a line and then then there's a a premium on that bathroom yeah it's a lot of those bathrooms, I had to stand there and then you glear at the person coming.

Like, what were you doing in there? I heard the toilet flush and then there was another six fucking minutes. What were you doing? Primping? Were you picking at it? Were you plucking your fucking eyebrows? What were you doing?

So, uh, yeah, I remember I was rocking out to ABBA at one point. Like really creepy. Kind of like the guy in the seat in front of us was doing. Just really, really creepy, like looking right at me. Knowing me, knowing you. Yeah, I was all into the ABBA.

Oh, this was acapella. Well, it was to the rest. I had headphones on. All right. But, yeah. So you were Eddie Murphy, Roxanne. So we get off in Australia. Yeah, yeah, 40 hours.

Roxanne! So we get off in Australia, anticipating problems. Didn't have any really. But now here's the thing about taking Sydney to Australia for her birthday. We brought Bingo on tour she came with us on her birthday you get a double birthday because there's an international timeline so your birthday is one day and then the next day is your birthday here so you get a double birthday we were in australia with bingo Bingo, notorious for fucking up at customs,

not smuggling anything, not doing anything wrong, but still fucks up. Well, they're really strict about bringing in any kind of agriculture. Bingo, I tell her this, don't bring any food in. Well, Bingo didn't think jerky was food, so she had like nine bags of turkey jerky in November when we were there. And then you have to they line you up sometimes

in this line and then they have the dog come past everyone's bags. And the dog hit on her bag and it was fucking well, it's on the thing. Well, I didn't know that jerky is food or something. Some dumb thing. So we I didn't know that jerky is food or something. Some dumb thing.

So we get off the plane this time. The first guy, we give him our cards, and he's very nice. He's the nice guy. They good cop you going, oh, the custom's over. No, there's three more stops. And he goes, you don't have any jerky, do you? And I went, and I said, do you remember? Were you the guy?

And he's confused. I thought, well, it's such a weird question to ask, and bingo's remarkable. You know, you're a blue-haired girl. We were just there six months ago. A marching band hat. And I go, oh, well, never mind never mind he let us go and then another guy says do you have any jerky i go is this a question you ask everyone and he said yes like like how weird

is that they didn't when yeah she might have started it that might be the thing because jerky that's like if they said um do you have pistachios? Like a specific nut that you happen to eat that you got busted with last time. Like one kind of nut. Like, do you have jerky? And then we get in the line, and they have the dog sniff us, and it hits on my bag briefly. And I had the line ready, but I had to stop myself because I didn't want to give away where we're going because I was going to say, maybe he's just smelling Johnny Depp's dogs

because that was a huge news story where Johnny Depp had smuggled his dogs into Australia. Usually you have to have them quarantined, and they were threatening to put Johnny Depp in jail for 10 years and euthanize his dogs if he didn't get them out of there. And I had to stifle that line. Oh, my God.

It would end up being like Argo over Johnny Depp's dogs. How fucking great would that be? They have to set up another pirate movie fake just to get Johnny's dogs back. just to get Johnny's dogs back. I would love just the whole idea as a screenplay to me that just him doing 10 years in prison where they go, we're going to throw the book at him. No parole, no probation, no 10 solid hard years for smuggling dogs. Could you imagine the numbers Locked Up Abroad would get

if Johnny Depp was on for four seasons? He hasn't done TV since 21 Jump Street. Just sit in that white room. I just had two dogs. I just had two dogs. I don't know. Greco and whatever the other dog's name would be. I fucking lost it.

I also like the idea that he named his dogs after other people from 21 Jump Street. I like that. I like that you remembered one. So we get through customs, no problem. The Johnny Depp team has set us up with a driver. Fortunately, Sidney has to piss

before we get... We meet the driver he's gonna sign waiting for us of course she does bathrooms and airports are a lot easier to get into yeah bathrooms there's no doors at all no doors at all it's like a little walkway little maze thing she might have gone yeah there's a stall doors in the ladies room maybe she went to the men's room so she could just piss in a urinal because it's easier. This is going to be a dumb question. Talk into the mic. But also, do you...

Please, please. I'm sorry. Talk into the mic, please. Thank you. You little princess. Do the bathroom doors in Australia open opposite of the bathroom doors in America? Yes. Thank you.

Now, Mythbusters. Doug Stanhope's Mythbusters podcast. So you go to piss, and Andrew, our driver, I said, by the way, she has no idea where she's going. Don't bring up Johnny Depp or anything about that, which I already told Duders, but he failed to tell Andrew. Who's Duders? Duders is Johnny's assistant that we were

dealing with he set us up with this fucking amazing place it's where the cast and crew were staying for the movie which is another point of fear first of all andrew goes oh i'm glad you told me that in an australian accent because i groggy yeah And then there are all those other words. Throw a fucking shrimp on the barbie. Paint me this is not a knife, that is a knife. Please, I'll give you $10 if you just point out what is and what is not

knives. So, yeah, he's like, thank God you told me because I would have fucked up. So they bring us to this place where we have two suites, 15th and 17th floor, overlooking the ocean, like right there, hoping surfers get eaten by sharks. Perfect view, full kitchens, everything downstairs around you that you need, like a million restaurants, a grocery store right there. Like everything. Wow. But I'm afraid there, like everything. Wow.

But I'm afraid to fucking go out. Yeah. Because I know the cast and crew are there, and we know half of Johnny's people that the last thing you want is, like we're so close to pulling this gag off with her having no idea that she's meeting Johnny Depp. And if we go outside, it takes one person the day after we met him actually saw us in the

mall coming from the grocery store. Go, Doug, bingo! I can recognize you from behind. You're so easy. If that happened beforehand, so we crash out that first day. You did. Sidney crashed out immediately.

Are you texting while we talk? No, I'm on Snapchat. Oh, okay. That's different. I'm trying to write down notes. Doug, that's kind of the same thing. I'm paying attention to... Anyway, Bingo and I are starting to get the fear.

We're this close. If it fucks up... So the next morning, we sleep all that day off. We went out a little bit that night. We had some fun. A little bit of fun. Bingo and I had some cocktails downstairs. I don't know if Sydney had cocktails or not,

because you know what? In Australia, she's a fucking real adult. Not with an asterisk. You can die for your country, but you can't have a cocktail. So I don't ask her her fucking business. All I know is we did... I remember getting in one laughing jag. That was my birthday.

It doesn't matter if it's that day. It was one of the days. I just want to see if it's still funny. It is still funny. It's still funny, though. We're on the elevator getting back to our room after we'd been out at the restaurants and bars and eateries and establishments. And we're goofy, punch drunk from the plane. And she had to piss.

Sydney had to piss. And she's going, ah, I got to piss. And the elevators took forever in that fucking place. And she's dancing around. I got to piss. Sydney had to piss. And she's going, ah, I got to piss. And the elevators took forever in that fucking place. And she's dancing around. I got to piss. And I go, that's a weird thing that when you have to piss, once you're close to your body knows when you're close to the restroom and will not. It doesn't compensate for, oh, wait, it's a slow elevator. Your brain knows the bathroom's just 17 floors up.

Straight away. You've got to piss more. So we're talking about this, and Sidney makes the analogy of it's like cake. If you know you're going to eat some cake a week from now, it's not as tempting as if there's cake right in front of your face. And I said, yeah, but you never cake your pants. Yeah, yeah, you do. So.

do that whistling laugh into the microphone that's hilarious that's like that's so that's so funny and it's also the perfect your uncle told you that joke but right, the elevator doors open as we're all punchy, wheezing, laughing at dumb shit. We get in with this snooty family of mother and her two kids and we just keep wheezing laughing and then we try to stop and stifle

ourselves and that makes it worse and then we laugh even harder, which they think is at their expense for some reason. And we can't stop. Or can we explain this? Just arrogant. Yeah, the whole setup.

And as we go into the apartment, Sydney says, and we're still laughing again, and she says, we're going to think about this tomorrow and realize this is not funny at all. And then the next night, we remembered cake your pants and started laughing just as hard. So it has held up.

I thought, oh, it's not going to be. Or did you cake your pants? No, no, she didn't cake her pants. She's a pro. Once she's treated like a real adult, unlike America, yeah, she can handle her own. So then we have to go see Johnny Depp, which when Bingo was there for her double birthday in Australia, all she wanted to do, get over here, Bingo,

all she wanted to do was, no, this is quick, give her a mic for a second, was see a kangaroo. She wanted to see a kangaroo. That was her only story. That's all she wanted for her birthday. And Brian Hennigan said, what? Well, Alex was with us. Alex was our tour manager when we were there on November.

Great guy. Promoter, whatever his title is. Whatever it was. Wicked good. So he wanted to do anything for us that he could possibly do. Great guy. Promoter, whatever his title is. Whatever it was. Wicked good. So he wanted to do anything for us that he could possibly do. And so he was going to take me to see kangaroos. And Brian said... I know, that's why I brought you over.

How did he phrase it? How is this going to help ticket sales? How is this? How are kangaroos going to help ticket sales? He's the fucking Grinch that stole birthdays. So now we've brought up Alex. Alex has been in contact.

I heard you're over here. If we can catch up at any point, would love to. He's close by. So as we're telling Sydney that we're going to see kangaroos, because Brian Hennigan fucked us out of kangaroos on tour. And again, it's another thing that Sydney's saying, oh, this is for my birthday, so we're going to go do your, we go vintage clothes shopping for you for my birthday.

We're going to Australia so you can see kangaroos for my birthday. But we keep telling, we actually used Alex as Johnny Depp in our conversations. If we're talking about Johnny Depp, we're talking about Alex. And by now, our bullshit's getting pretty strong. We're getting close to the end. But I told her, okay, yeah, we're going to go see Kangaroos. My friend Alex that we keep talking about, our tour manager from the last tour, I set up because I know once we get there, it's a set.

And it's not a small set. It's a fucking huge movie set. So I said, Alex is, he's got us hooked up for this thing. He works, now he's doing production for some local nature show. So they're doing a shoot where we can actually probably even,

like they have, they have an animal handler probably. So they'll probably let you hold a koala and stuff. Like just to get her prepared for, if she sees camera shit, she'll know it's a local bbc type of production but australia 225 million dollar production for a local nature for a fluff piece on koala bears and so andrew picks us up again same driver she's wondering how do we get the same cab driver twice and i go no small i was throwing a bullshit heavy i go no no i hired him because it's cheaper to hire a driver than to figure out how to drive on the wrong side of the road i'm too much of a drunk

to do that anyway as we're getting there we're fucking sweating now we're like we're so close to actually pulling this off because we drive onto the set it's on like uh it's like a wet and wild amusement park back lot where the set is like a water park that they rented out they have a water park and an amusement park all together and so we're driving onto that so the the movie set is it's the back of that so you cannot wait to see this new pirate movie it's in an amusement park this time holy shit it's on the back of that so if you drove into the if you got backstage passes to fucking disneyland you wouldn't know what to expect and i'm mumbling things like oh maybe this just on the set they have the kangaroos and the koalas.

And we pull into the parking. J.D. parking sign. I'm like, hey, grab that vodka in the bag. I want her to duck down in the back seat. I'm trying to get her to not look at that sign. And then we walk in

and immediately into the trailer where he's in makeup. Into a trailer that says makeup on the outside? No, it didn't. Yes, it did. Did it? I didn't see that, but it did. Later? What did it say?

Makeup? Yeah, it said makeup on the outside. He was fucking asleep in the chair. It's a long flight. And they're like, wait, wait, wait. They're doing makeup on a fucking corpse of Johnny Depp. And I'm like, wait, wait. They're like, wait, hang on.

I have video, very shaky videotape. Because at this point, I can't believe we have pulled this off right until she walks into the trailer. I'm telling her there's a kangaroo in here as I'm videotaping her. I thought that was weird. She thought that was weird. But I mean, who's to say how they make movies?

Kangaroos might have trailers. Who knows? And kangaroos could use makeup. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen one up close in high def? You want to touch that up a little bit. Blemish. It's not pretty. And that's why Bingo went first, because I thought we were seeing a fucking kangaroo, so I thought that, like, well, we're seeing

a kangaroo because she wanted to see a kangaroo. And I said I'm filming because I want to see Bingo's reaction to finally seeing a kangaroo. I didn't even hear that. I didn't know you were filming. Yeah, I was filming. Well, I knew after, but I didn't know when I was coming. Yeah, my hands were visibly shaking. First of all, it's morning, so they do that anyway.

And I only had one cocktail in me that I wasn't even going to drink until I realized, oh, I'm shaking in the car, just panicking. So, yeah, so you walked in, and there's Johnny Depp. And? And? And what? What did he say? No, what did you And? And? And what? What did he say? No, what'd you think?

What did I think? Yeah. I don't know what I thought. Did you think anything? Did you think, holy shit, or anything at all? That ain't a kangaroo. That's exactly what I thought. I said that in the video.

I looked at it and I go, there's not a kangaroo in here. Well, you mean this, like, superstar, famous movie star guy? That ain't a kangaroo in here. What, you mean this, like, superstar famous movie star guy? That ain't a kangaroo. I'm really glad to know that, because I saw that picture you posted, and to see Johnny dress like that, because you said you had nine hours in L.A., and then I

saw the picture, and I was like, well, maybe so he fucking took her to see Johnny in L.A. That's how he killed some time. And I said, dressed like that? I was just like, this guy's off the fucking rails now. He just keeps the clothes from whatever movies he's in, and then that's what he is forever? Until the next role.

I mean, when he came to see you at the store, he was dressed like the fucking Lone Ranger. He was, and no one noticed him. But he sent that text the night before that said, is there somewhere I can hang out and watch where I won't be a distraction or whatever? Then he shows up in a white suit, a three-piece white suit and a giant white hat. And you're like, I mean, how about a hoodie? You can get a hoodie and just sit in the room, and people would be like,

that guy looks like Johnny Depp. You walk in like this, and people would be like, how the fuck? No, they think, what's the Johnny Depp impersonator doing here? Because Johnny Depp would never go out like that. Like Willy Wonka? Oh, hide in plain sight. So, yeah, the hugs and salutations, and then Johnny Depp says, you know, the whole drive home,

she's going to be going, I hate Johnny Depp. Why the fuck did you bring me here to see Johnny Depp? Why couldn't you bring me to see Leonardo DiCaprio? DiCaprio. DiCaprio. Thank you for... That's great, too. The idea that he's like mildly shit-talking,

burning himself and DiCaprio. DiCaprio. DiCaprio. Another fucking joke your uncle would tell you. So Uncleio. DiCrappio. Another fucking joke your uncle would tell you. So Uncle JD threw an uncle joke at you. Did you cake your pants

when you saw him? Alright, that's a perfect break. And then we'll be back with part three and the final part of the abduction of my niece to the pirates of the Caribbean. Am I ready?

I just said Jeff Tate with vigor. Jeff Tate. One of the funniest comics I've ever met anywhere, both offstage and on, a guy I would never want to follow. I won't have to follow

him because he's doing his own dates. You got a whole fucking thing going on. Yeah. This fall, doing the Make the Rounds tour. I got like 40 cities that I'm working on. Name them all. I can't. But I know like Nashville, Chicago, D.C., Detroit,

Louisville, Bloomington, Indiana. Everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. San Francisco, Bloomington, Indiana. Everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. San Francisco, Portland. 40 fucking cities. Albuquerque. Good. Bisbee.

Yes. Where do they find these dates? Justanotherclown.com. That's my website. I will be on at least four of these dates as a surprise guest. Yeah? So, yeah. Fucking buy your tickets now.

I will show up. Yeah, yeah. Buy the tickets. That's the website, justanotherclown.com. You can find... Justanotherclown.com. Somewhat self-deprecating. It's the name of one of my albums, too. Because I can't get Jeff Tate.com.

Oh, you can buy that album? Wait, you can buy that album at our website? You told me. Tell him, Chaley. DougStanhope.com. My albums are available on DougStanhope.com. Yeah, yeah, we're fucking doing that now. We just inked a lucrative deal with Mr. Tate here.

Distribution. Yeah, we inked it with alcohol. Well, whenever anybody says, how do I get a hard copy of your CD? I don't know. And now I know. There you go. Kaylee does everything right. I say, come to a show, I guess.

And maybe I'll have them. But now I have an answer. I have a website with my dates, but the website with my merch is DougStanhope.com. There you go. Because Stanhope's got a Shaley, and Shaley takes care of everything. I can vouch for no one stronger than Jeff Tate. Even Junior Stopgut. That kid has no ambition.

I love him. Write some fucking jokes, Junior Stopka. Junior, get a pen. I don't know. Maybe he's probably got a bunch of new jokes. I'm fucking with him because, you know, the Blackhawks won. And now he has to feel the brunt of that victory. Well, you don't get to just ride high off all that.

No, no. You get your good two days from your team winning a thing, and then you got to write some fucking jokes, Junior. Yep. Junior, Junior, get back on the road. I'm at Go Bananas this weekend, July 9 through 12. Of 2015. 2015, July 9 through 12. Of 2015. 2015, yeah.

New hour. So if you've seen me recently, this is a new hour. Absolutely. Always golden. Every time I see Jeff Tate, always beautiful, always new. And now we're going to get back to this podcast now that Sydney is done perioding. You don't have your period anymore. A week ago.

That was a week ago, and you know what? This is perfect for where we left it, because we show up, we meet Johnny Depp, we have the falderal and the hoo-ha, and then it's immediately obvious that there's tension on the set. First of all, I'm not going to speak for Johnny Depp, but Pirates of the Caribbean Part 5, not a work of passion. Why am I already camped out in front of a theater for it then? And they're down to just like B-roll basically,

shit they have to do. All the stars are gone. They've been there for six months, including whatever month off he took from when he fucked up his finger. There's tension. Like everyone, the people we know, Kenan is there, all the guys.

Jerry, Jerry was this guy. Jerry was the oldest security guy. And at some point, the first day we're there after the surprise and that's over. And Sydney's immediately on the phone. You had barely left the makeup trailer. You're on the phone going, it's Johnny Depp.

I have to tell Amy. She's the one that gave the picture. She cried. When we first met Johnny Depp! I have to tell Amy. She's the one that gave the picture and she cried. When we first met Johnny Depp, he flew us over to the set of Mordecai in London. And the only person, I was that guy, hammered at his house. He wasn't hammered, by the way.

Me and Bingo were hammered. And I did, listen, will you just call my niece Sydney? Because she's the only one who gives a fuck about anything. Little did you know, she doesn't give a fuck about anything. But she did. You know she's going to be coy around you, and then... And she did that in front of me me so i knew she cared a little bit because she has one friend that johnny signed an autograph for and she cried when she got it

so she is johnny and for a minute i'm like all right this is the point i just wanted you to be there's no such thing as a selfless act. And the whole point of bringing her there was very self-serving to me. I wanted to be the fucking cool uncle because she's always treated me weird her entire life. I try to get her to break the rules. I try to be the corrupting uncle that lets her eat fucking cake for breakfast and do every... And she's like, that's not right. You cake her breakfast? Did you cake for breakfast, and she's like, that's not right. You caked her breakfast? Did you cake her breakfast?

I'm going to do that forever now. On that 14-hour flight, we didn't realize this is old-school shit you'd remember. Before 9-11, where planes weren't always full and you could find three seats in the back you could sleep across all three seats people were doing this on that flight and like i never even thought to and she goes you can't sleep across three seats because you have to wear a seat belt it's against the rules and i had to show her how a seatbelt stretches out so you can lay down across three seats still wearing a seatbelt, which I haven't done since before 9-11, when you can find three open seats on an empty fucking plane. I had that once in the last five years. One red eye.

Didn't have anybody on it. Fucking great. And I lay down. I had the seatbelt on tight, like they tell you. Not at all. I really don't. A seatbelt helps tight, like they tell you. Not at all. I really don't. A seatbelt helps you in a fender bender. When was the last time an airplane got in a fender bender?

Hennigan has the perfect, if they really cared about your safety, they would have the seats facing backwards. Yeah. Because on impact, you would have the whole back of the seat to brace that, but they don't really, because that would be too uncomfortable. On takeoff, your fucking face is hitting your knees, slamming into the TV screen. So, yeah, no, they don't really give a shit.

Then they should just have shoulder straps. Right. A five-point harness, like a NASCAR. Yeah. Or hammocks. like a NASCAR. Yeah. Or hammocks. How about hammocks? Yeah. All right.

We're off topic. I do like the hammock. I'll take the lack of safety for a swinging comfort. You can strap yourself right into the hammock. It'd be fine. See, she's younger. She's younger. She has a sharper mind than we do.

She does. Yeah, you zip it up. Yeah. You zip it up. Like a sleeping bag. Get in, you zip it up. Yeah. You zip it up. Like a sleeping bag. You get in the hammock. You sink in. You zip it up.

You're just in a fucking thing. She's a rule follower. Then the turbulence would be great. You're a banana in a swing all over the place. Hang on. Listen. She actually said a word and you talked over it. What?

She said the turbulence would be great if you're in a hammock. You just swing all over the place. It'd be awesome. It's wicked good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Period. She's perioding through this whole fucking setup.

If we're going to talk about that, I got my period on the first fucking flight that we went on. On the first flight. So I had it on the 14-hour flight. Oh, when you couldn't figure out how to get in the bathroom. Yup. Oh, no. Yup.

I was freaking out. That was her biggest concern on the 14-hour flight was, I don't want to- Wouldn't that be your biggest concern? Right. And you don't know. When we picked you up and you said, oh, I should pee at the airport when Chaley's out front waiting, I should pee. I go, well, we're going to stop at a, I said,

gas station, which makes it sound like there was a truck stop that would have had good bathroom facilities. I didn't have my period then. When you get off the plane, when I picked you up in Tucson. No, the first plane going to Australia. Oh, okay. All right. Well, I know you had pads before that. You were in anticipation either way you're

period you have to fucking know or you'll ruin all your clothes all your clothes yeah how about just the ones you're wearing no every single pair of clothes that you own do you sit on your suitcase on the airplane it'll be done all of them will be gone. Listen, I didn't get to take health class in school, so I don't really know if this is true or not. Once one pair of underwear gets ruined, they're all ruined. Oh, fuck. I have no idea. Sympathy stains.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Your period saved us because after we meet Johnny Depp, then it becomes glaringly apparent that there's tension on the set. The fucking crew has been waiting for him to come out and do this scene for a long time. I don't know. There's just a lot of scuttlebutt and a lot of the people we know on the set that are just shaking their heads, crossed armed and kind of half smirking.

They're at the end of six months of this, like five months. He's making them wait so he could blow the pants off, like just surprise the shit out of your niece. He probably didn't even remember that was about to happen until we've come in. The point is, we know, all right, he's going to shoot a scene.

They say Friday night. This is Tuesday. So they say Friday night, there's shoot a scene. They say Friday night. This is Tuesday. So they say Friday night, there's a big scene. You should come see. It's with the actual big boat on a soundstage, and it's this actual ship suspended, and they do the whole scene with this swinging boat. It was actually cool. So is it suspended so it simulates wave action and stuff like that?

Hey, that sounds a lot like her boat. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. The bottom of the boat wasn't even finished. It was just... Oh, okay. Which is wildly disappointing. Well, she... Again, you're getting ahead of us.

We know that he told me immediately, I haven't slept in two days. He told me I was asleep in the makeup chair when you came in, and we don't want to fuck with you. It's like the end of our tours. If we just did three months on the road, and you showed up in the green room on the couple nights before the end,

yeah, I don't want to fucking talk to you. But he's not like that. I'll tell you. He'll just try to be gracious. So we hung around for a couple hours, and then I went and told them, hey, I'm using your period. I can't believe you said that. But if you didn't have your period, I still would have said it

if I was creative enough to come up with it because they all have kids. They all have daughters. They all have daughters your age. And they're like, oh, shit. Like, fuck. Yeah, go. It was a perfect out where we could be polite because he doesn't want us there. He doesn't need us there.

It's not going to be a good day. He has to do some shit he doesn't want to do, and he hasn't slept. So we bailed out of there your period got us out of there without looking like it wasn't bad for anyone you could have just walked in and been like listen bingo's actually really upset there wasn't a kangaroo

in there so that's perfect segue we saw kangaroos the next day we actually go see kangaroos because uh uh while johnny depp's off in his working cave he's working yeah uh this woman came out and she had a wallaby that had been uh hit by a car and broken leg a little baby baby. The mom got run over by a car, and she died, and the baby got a broken leg. So it was at a sanctuary, and nobody would adopt it.

So this lady did. You're going to adopt a wallaby? What's a wallaby? It's a small kangaroo. It's a teeny kangaroo, basically. It's like a mulatto. No, you adopt it until it gets better, and then they put it in the wild. For it to be eaten by a dingo.

Yeah. Because it's limping. Don't name it. So she told us about this cool place to go see. His name was Joey. No, not Joey. No, that's like Johnny. That's all of them.

Oh, Johnny. They named him Johnny or something. It was Joey Depp. Yes, it was Joey Depp was the wildest name. Something like, yeah. It was Johnny. Joey Depp, Yes, it was Joey Depp was the wallaby. It was Johnny. Joey Depp like Kevin Dillon? So she told us about a cool sanctuary to go see wallabies and koalas and kangaroos.

And we went there the next day to see kangaroos for real. I didn't believe you, by the way. How am I going to one-up johnny depp i don't know but i didn't believe you i was waiting the whole ride for you to be like just kidding just kidding it's barack obama he's in the tasmanian devil fucking it's the tasmanian Devil from the cartoons. That would be Johnny Depp. That would? Yeah, because... A cartoon. Yeah, a cartoon Tasmanian Devil would be a little more impressive than Johnny Depp.

Yeah, just a little. Because at least one is real. Which one? Johnny Depp is a person. We did that. I'm just trying to get through all the beats of all the shit we did. Tell them. Tell them the place.

It was really fucking cool. It's the... Corumban Animal Sanctuary. You got to pet kangaroos and it's not even like extra money. You could just go in there and like pet them. I have footage of bingo was... And there's all these rules about don't touch their face.

You don't touch their head. Only like cats. Except opposite. So bingo in this kangaroo... It's Australia, so everything's opposite. In this kangaroo pit, bingo is face to face, down on her knees with a kangaroo. And Johnny had said the first thing this whole fucking country will poison you he still talks like Hunter

this whole country everything's poisonous and they think my dogs are in danger the trees can kill you here there's poisonous trees you just brush up against them and my dogs kangaroo they'll eviscerate you that was the first day we met him so cut to at the

carumban animal Sanctuary. Bingo. Face to face, letting a kangaroo kiss her. She's like, the thing's sniffing her. I'm seeing it's about to attack her like the face-eating chimpanzee. So I'm filming going Tosh.0.

Tosh.0. Wide, not tall. You gotta go wide, not tall. You got to go wide, not tall. I did wide. Yeah, I was wide. Is that really? Yeah. Is that the way to go?

If you go tall, you end up with the bars on the side. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, I had it wide, and it didn't rip her face off. Man, if it did, he could do one of those redemptions with the kangaroo. Like, the kangaroo would probably be really embarrassed. I didn't know you knew Johnny, damn. Yeah, very sorry. Oh, you were visiting the country, so I'm very sorry. I didn't know you knew Johnny, damn. Yeah, very sorry.

Oh, you were visiting the country, so I'm very sorry. They feel like cats. Kangaroos are great. They're like little big cats. Yeah, it was fun. But you were of the same mindset as me. As much as I love to give you shit, you were kind of good with getting it out of the way. We saw the fucking things. Let's go eat sushi because

then you're tired and if there's nothing else to do why would you stay there and just watch them for two hours i know i'm with you yeah but we saw that huge fucking crocodile stay on the mic i am on the giant micro uh wait microphone huge crocodile It was like 15 feet long. Like literally huge. I thought it was fake. Yeah. I kind of did too. Bingo knew what was up.

Bingo knew it was real. It's an old Bill Dwyer joke. How many pennies were on his back? It's an old Bill Dwyer joke. I don't even get that. It's because they never move. And every time you go to the zoo, you just throw a penny on the crocodile's back. And then you go back a year later and there's just some more pennies.

I have his mouth open like this. It's a great joke. BillDwyer.com I love Bill Dwyer. He's so funny. Alright, let's cut to dinner because this is getting out of control, this podcast. Dinner. We're going to have dinner for her birthday, one of her

birthdays because it's double birthday. My real birthday. Your real Australian birthday. My real birthday. Your real Australian birthday. Yeah. So which restaurant did you and Bingo want to eat at that you took her to for her birthday? Johnny Depp's house. I might have gone to my birthday at Johnny Depp's house, but it's not a big deal.

It's fine. It was the house with the go-karts. He was renting a house from some motocross superstar. We all saw it on TMZ. We did? The house? That was the one that they flew the helicopter over,

and you could see the dogs in the windows. Holy shit. But just put a link to it. No, I have no idea. Put a link to it in the description for this. You're fucking weirder than I am with Johnny Depp. What's hilarious about this is this episode is going to be quoted on TMZ. Tension on the set.

Pirates 5. Tension on the set. No. Fucking we took him to Target for his first time. Walking around with him looking like Johnny Depp. If I'm with Johnny Depp, paparazzi doesn't notice. I don't know if it's because of how I threatened the TMZ guy one time. What did you say? doesn't notice. I don't know if it's because of how I threatened the TMZ guy one time with murdering his

fucking family and watching his kids burn alive. I don't remember the details, but it was the gist. The gist is a horrific death in front of your face and your dad. We're scheduled to have dinner with him

on her birthday. We go to the Johnny Depp fucking ranch that he's renting. He has two fake dogs outside of his front door. Pistol and Boo are the dogs that they were going to kill that he had to fly out. So on his birthday in June, they brought him hundreds of stuffed dogs that looked like his dogs. All the crew sang happy birthday. So he had all these fake dogs. He said he was going to drag them off the plane when he came back on a string,

like every single fake stuffed dog that they had brought him. So he's already out the airport door when there's still dogs coming off his plane. And it was great. It was like, what? Was it like 11 when we got there? It was fucking late. It was late. It was like 10 or 11.

No, that's not true. We left at like 7. Yeah, that's what I... We left at like 7, so we probably got there at like 8.30. It wasn't that late. You left at 7? We left at like... Wait, does time go backwards there too?

Well, the driver picked us up at our hotel, and he was coming from the set. Well, they're about to shut down production, which you know, if you've ever done anything, it's always two hours after that, at least, that they shut down. But we know everyone. Russell the cook, who I for some reason I swore was from Eastern Europe. He's fucking

English. Great guy. Dooders. Nathan wasn't there yet. But all people we know. So we're having a blast anyway. Johnny shows up at some point. He shows you the weird finger and all the pictures of the surgery. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen.

He showed, you know, he hurt his finger. It was like gouged out like flesh. Gone. The tip is gone. There's bone showing. There's x-rays. Do they use real swords? I have no idea.

This was... Yeah, I have no idea. Did he get his finger caught in the door because someone stole my hat in South Bend? Was that Johnny Depp that chased me out? What? I know. Jesus fucking... We're doing a podcast here stop worrying about room service

so yeah so he's around it was cool for about 10 minutes and then he goes I gotta go call my kids we already know how fucked he is his wife and not his kids. Whatever. He's going to call someone.

He never came back. He went downstairs. Russell had made this beautiful Mexican spread, which was actually for an Englishman making Mexican in Australia. He's so good.

And then we're just waiting for Johnny Depp. I don't care. I'm drunk. You're fine. And at some point it's like 45 minutes, an hour and they go down and check on him again. He had fallen asleep sitting up. He slept like that for half an hour.

My dad has slept like that since 2009. So I don't see what the big deal is. He's just channeling Keith Richards for this movie, right? So sleeping, sitting up is probably normal. Did I just say something? No, no, no. I just remembered.

Oh, fuck. Do you know Keith Richards, too? No, no. Well, dooders and everyone, they're going, oh, I'm sorry. I don't care. We're fucking having a great time. We know everyone. Everyone's cool.

We're having cocktails and Mexican food. Just the fact that Johnny was around to make the surprise happen. That was it. So we don't care. He's going to wake up in a few hours after you leave and think he's a dick. Are you getting the... Yeah, yeah. We hung out.

We had fun. We were probably 2 in the morning, 3 in the morning. It was like 2. We finally left. Yeah, 2.30. And then in the morning, here's the text message from Johnny Depp. from Johnny Depp. Well,

anytime this started when we first started talking with Johnny Depp via text two years ago in Canada, he likes to use a lot of exclamation points. So when that happens, when I say, ring, that's several exclamation points in a row.

Could you just show it to me because i want to see how he writes text messages oh man yeah all right all right yeah well dot dot dot i think i actually physically died last night i'm so fucking sorry that that happened. I was so looking forward to it, and I blew it. I feel like a diseased knob. Please forgive my premature death and useless resurrection. Ring. I most certainly did not mean any disrespect. The ring.

I'm sorry. I missed a ring there. The stunts in rewriting this blighted opus have done my head and my body no kind service. My sincere apologies to you, Bingo, and Sydney. I feel like a shitheel. Ring. I'm really sorry. I am ready to face my accusers.

Ring. Choose whatever punishment you deem necessary and I will accept it perhaps a healthy number of swift Jan Yenorud style kicks to the ghoulies repeatedly might be in order question question question in any case I'm so happy that you and Bingo

flew all this way ring I've been looking forward to it in a big way ring I'm truly sorry, pal, hope you guys are still coming to the set tonight, ex-Rip Von Sprinkle. So do you think he types all that, or does he have like a speech-to-text

that turns whatever he says into, like runs it through a Hunter Thompson filter? Into, well, I had to sit down, I responded in kind with, I go, oh, fuck, now I had to sit down. I responded in kind. I go, oh, fuck. Now I have to respond. And I had to use thesaurus.com twice. I just... No, no.

It goes on and on. Yeah. It's fun. But, yeah, no. Because then he responds and I respond. That was magnificent. The Johnny Depp text messages like that. The Johnny Depp text messages is wild.

Yeah, he does that. There was actually Stephen, what's his name? God damn it. Clerks. They just did a movie together. The guy from Clerks? Yeah, fat guy. Kevin Smith? Kevin Smith. Yeah, he actually made a movie together the guy from Clerks? Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith made a movie with Johnny Depp they produced it together his daughter's in it Tusk he talked about Johnny Depp always writes like fucking Shakespeare in his text messages

he does yeah that's fucking cool text messages. Yeah, he does. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking cool. So that night we go to the set to see the big one. Sydney? What? You ran over here like, oh, my God, I'm on.

No, I was just getting my phone and then I had it, so I'm coming back. We have to leave Saturday morning at 6 a.m. We're going to this shoot. The big shoot with the ship. The swinging ship? Yeah. The big soundstage. We have a 6 a.m. out. They start shooting.

They pick us up at 7 p.m. the night before. It's freezing. I don't queer Sydney, because Sydney's never been to a shoot before. She doesn't know that it's four hours to get 90 seconds of footage. We could probably, Sydney,

you and I could probably do the actual, we watched one scene be shot over and over again, freezing our fucking balls off. And it was cool at first. I wanted her to see how it worked, but I know how it works.

And I know, all right, you're going to see a scene, but it's going to be a snippet of a thing, and you're going to have to watch it for hours. Now, I didn't even know how bad it was going to be. Jump in. Bingo's going to talk. No, I just wanted to say what Johnny did on set first. I got to it.

I was making sure you were going to get to it. Lean in this way. If your face is in here, it makes Sydney happier. Alright, because I like you the best. Alright, let's try it. Sydney, it must be here. It has to be's try it. Let's try it, Sydney.

It must be here. It has to be here. Why can't I see it? Hold on, hold on. What's going on? What are you asking me? I don't think you should do that on the air. No, mind your business. You mind your business.

Don't be mean to her. You're mean to her. I have to be mean to her. I feel like you're going off book. No, they're saying you shouldn't do this because we're giving away the movie. I'm not going to do the whole thing. We're pirating a brief moment of a pirate movie. So it's clearly fine.

It is fine. Okay, it starts out, and she's on the deck of the ship. Where is it? It must be here. Why can't I see it? And then Johnny Depp comes into the ship. Where is it? It must be here. Why can't I see it? And then Johnny Depp comes into the scene. The first three takes,

he's just belching and and then knowing that we're on the set, they give us earpieces so we can hear what's going on way up there. And then at some point we realize we don't have to be here in the freezing cold.

We can leave and still hear the scene. After we watch the scene four times, which is about 35, 40 minutes of freezing your balls off. Hey, we can go to craft services. Standing. Yeah, we were standing. We weren't sitting. We're standing. And then we go, craft services is open.

Let's walk over there, get some more ice for our drinks because we brought our own bar. They don't have a bar on set. That's one thing about a high dollar set. You'd think they'd have a bar, but we were the only people who had our own bar. But we didn't have ice, so we had to rob ice from craft services. Then bingo sees craft services has all the burrito fixings they have burrito fixings but they some they took away the meat but they still have refried beans and bingo that's her favorite thing refried beans vegetarian yeah well those refried beans, everything else is a burrito. There's lettuce, fucking jalapenos, cheese, tomatoes, onion.

Everything. Yeah. But what looked like refried beans was chocolate mousse. Chocolate pudding. So she makes a refried bean burrito. Turns out, all the fillings for the burritos were inside these thermos cabinets, keeping them warm in the freezing cold. All the other things were just fixings to put on top. And chocolate mousse.

So she made a giant chocolate mousse burrito. Was it good? Did you eat it? No. She stuck her finger in it before she ate it as a burrito. Because you noticed it first and you looked at it and you were like, are you sure that that is beans? Like, are you sure? And she tried it and it wasn't.

Don't make me the hero in every story. No, please. Alright, so then we go back and we're listening to the same scene that we froze our balls off through. We go back to the trailer in the production, the VIP camp, going, oh, we're kind of warmer. And then we're listening to them redo the same scene. And when Johnny Depp, instead of when he shows up drunk going,

then he starts throwing our names in. He goes, a million different ways. Which kept us endlessly entertained. Entertained, yes. As we're freezing our balls. He's like name dropping us in fucking pirates. And then he finally got done at that point.

Murderous rocks. Murderous rocks. Murderous rocks. Rocks and stars. No, no, planets. Planets. We could do this fucking scene word for word how many times we listen to it. I could do that scene better than the airline attendant announcement.

There's emergency exits and the lighted rose. Yeah, but murderous rocks. So, yeah. So, okay. Let's make a long story longer and say, yeah. Then he jacks us up. You should stay a few more days. He always does to us the last day.

Every fucking time. When we're in. He said, I'll rent a place. I'll rent a joint and you can do your set and I'll pay for it. No, the mouse will pay for it. Yeah. And you'd stay. But he tried to get you to do a corporate?

Yeah, basically. But he also, because you said that you had to get home to write the book. Yeah. And he's just like, you can take my notebooks. You can use my notebooks. He said, you can write it here. I go, I don't even have the rough draft done. I need reference material.

He goes, you can take my journals and just write my shit and make it yours so he's just giving you his story he just wants you to stay always wants you to fucking stay i do that any like no one ever visits bisbee like rarely do they and when they do i always want you to stay longer of Of course you do. My flight left eight hours ago. Did it really? Yeah. I'm here. He fixed it yesterday.

He made a phone call and fixed it, so I leave tomorrow. I don't know. He almost got me when he said he dressed me up like a pirate. Yeah, he said that was his last pitch, and now I was tempted, too. I already name-dropped you in the script. I could dress you up like pirates and put you in the movie. I really, if I could dress up in one of those dresses, I probably would have had a tantrum and made you let us stay. When he was really hardcore timeshare selling us to stay,

it would have been logistically a nightmare because you're on two different flights. You flying out here and you flying there back to here and then the other flight back there. Chaley's already coming up with Tate and we already have this hotel booked.

We made a deal. We'll just see him in September. Yeah, we're going to see him in September. But I don't get to dress up like a pirate in September. Yeah, we're going to see him in September. But I don't get to dress up like a pirate in September. You don't know. You don't know. I'll be at school in September.

There is no way Johnny Depp does not have a million pirate costumes. I don't have... I'm not going to go. I'm going to be at school. What school? Why would you ever go to school? How long would you go to school? Alright, let's save this for the Jeff Tate podcast. I have one question.

One final question about this entire fucking hundred minute story. Did you ride go-karts? No. Go-karts were locked up. Go-karts were locked up. In fact, the guy, he had five championship motocross bicycles that he won all this shit. How do you fucking become a multimillionaire riding a fucking motorcycle and no one ever heard of you? He had a fake leg, like a design of his leg from when he broke it on display in his trophy room. The douche that Johnny rented this house estate

from. Johnny should have made a... Now I'm calling him Johnny, you sons of bitches. Mr. Depp should have made a design fake of his fucked up finger and left it in that guy's trophy case

as a gift. Like a secret, just to see how long. And also just as a thank you. Thank you for letting me stay in your house. I noticed you like fucked up injuries. Body parts. As taxidermied fake fucked up injuries. So I hurt my finger.

Here you go. It's just right there. All right. That's a fucking hour and 46 goddamn minutes. And we have to plug. Hang on. Guardians of the galaxy that was uh yeah when we were trying to bond sydney and i my niece it works secretly hates me who pretends to fake love me and then just hamstring me i don't know if she even likes me at all. But we did bond over one movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, which is fucking incredible.

And you thought it was like the one time we agreed on something. That was that. What do you just say it into a microphone? Don't write it down. Make people read. Jeff Tate is on the road. See Jeff Tate. Go to I'm a stupid clown. What is just another clown dot com? down and make people read? Jeff Tate is on the road. See Jeff Tate go to

I'm a stupid clown. What is it? Justanotherclown.com. Find out about the tour. And I'm in Cincinnati this weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, July 9 through 12, 2015. Come to Rhode Island instead. I'm going to be in Rhode Island in the fall. Really? Providence, yeah. And you'll

have a fake ID by then. Someone send Sidney Stanhope a fake ID by then someone send Sidney Stanhope a fake ID at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603 I look like every can I give out your Twitter? hey don't fucking be weird

I'll put the fucking up brown haired girl in the world if you guys are weird, if you find her on Twitter and you are weird I have already had a couple guys wiped off the fucking Internet before by some death squad. Yeah. Troy Holm. Google search Troy Holm. And then read by John Ronson.

Seriously. So you've been publicly shamed. Is this book that I read by John Ronson, who did the psychopath test, which you should read for sure. You and Chad Chang should read that. I don't think I'm a psychopath, man. I know. I'm doing the work.

You're probably not. Nobody ever thinks they're a psychopath. That doesn't mean you're not. Hey, listen, I've had enough of her. Yeah, if you were part of the Troy Holm experiment... Guardians of the Galaxy. Guardians of the Galaxy. Guardians of the Galaxy. Watch that movie.

Watch that. Read John Ronson. Read John Narb. Also, if you're going to be weird to Sidney, don't. And if you're going to be weird to anybody on Twitter, just fucking cut it out. Stop being assholes. It's okay.

They're not going to be weird. He never gave my... Oh, yeah. Well, he'll post it. This is an amazing... There's no way you can find Sidney Stanhope on a Google search. This is the most amazing and endearing Elizabeth Smart story I have ever heard. Hang on.

Let's have Sidney. What? You get the final word. Okay. Was this fucking worth it? Was what worth what? There you go? There you go That close is brought to you by audible.com

1, 2, 3, 7, yeah Right on, baby The priest is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell

Play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go to the funeral party Got to go to the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking

And the gals get starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man For the last time

Play it for the man Praise the Lord And we've got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Everybody, cry! Praise the Lord! Yeah. Got to go on with the zero party Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party Yeah!