The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. 87: Viewer Mail and Other Hidden Treasures

Episode Date: July 17, 2015

Viewer Mail and Other Hidden Treasures.Recorded July 15, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brett Erickson (@brettnotbrent), Jobi (@StanhopeCDP), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -Brett Erickson (@BrettNotBrent) - http://bit.ly/1I8rJYfSambal Olek - http://amzn.to/1TGQ4pXPAT & THE HATS - http://www.patandthehats.com/SHE'S A GEMINI (I'M NOT WELL) - http://bit.ly/1CGKSyrStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing Song, "She's A Gemini (I'm Not Well)" performed by Pat & The Hats. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, it's the Doug Stanhope podcast. Does everyone have a full drink? Yes. Everyone does. All right, good. Well, we can wander around. There's no Chaley on this one because he's cooking. He's a culinary artist and he's too busy. So Bingo's taking the Chaley spot, but she's not going to talk. So Joby's going to talk for Bingo as Chaley.

I can say stuff for myself. Thank you very much. Well, you're going to talk into the micoby's going to talk for bingo as Chaley. I can tell you stuff for myself. Thank you very much. Well, you're going to talk into the mic. Eat the mic, baby. I know. Hey, this is something from that last pod. Well, the last podcast never aired, nor did the parts. After we get the story about Joby's sister with all the dirt,

we came back on shit-faced and tried to recreate the scene drunk history style with even Chad Shank was doing the acting part of it as I told the drunk history story. But we decided not to. Chaley decided not to air it. I haven't heard it, but I know we were shit-faced and then tried to do yet another podcast with Gino, our city councilman who hangs out.

And it's the second time we've podcasted with him where we were too drunk to air it because we were just fucking obliterated. But this is a note that we took that night for the next podcast that says, Negligent homicide slash meth slash light bulb. And I have no fucking clue at all what that meant. But it's in huge letters on our board here. So yeah, maybe next time Chad and Gino are around, we can go. Does anyone fucking remember what?

Because that sounds like a way better story than anything I have for this. I don't have shit for this. But, oh, and yeah, can we dispel the fucking rumor that I'm sober? I've got at least three emails this week mentioning my sobriety, which I'm sure I'll have to stem from the 30 days in the hole, which was trying to quit smoking which failed six weeks after uh and drinking was part of that it was most of it yeah yeah i was limiting myself to two drinks a night just to

because if i got drunk i know i'm going to smoke and we made fantastic drinks, broadened my alcoholism to greater heights and breaths. Breaths, not Brett. Did you ever think of that? Oh, man, I'm changing my Twitter handle to Brett, not Brettth. I actually might do that. Did I say Brett Erickson is here? Oh, yeah. All right.

Now you did. All right, good. Brett Erickson's here? Oh, yeah. All right. Now you did. All right. Good. Brett Erickson's here. Hi, Doug. Visiting for Mitchell's 40th birthday. Yeah. So I had to come out and drink again and again. Yeah, you're not sober.

No, I'm not. That's why we're doing the podcast now because you want to be able to drink without the podcast looming over your drinking. I'd say to spread the opposite, just say that I'm on my last legs, but I don't want that out there either. But God forbid people should think I'm sober.

Yeah. We just had a nice visit from Carmel and Gunny. Oh, yeah. I forgot to write that down. That was fucking 20 minutes ago and i already forgot that yeah this uh uh this nice lady carmel this morning as i was uh walking back to the little house with my coffee i i hear this hello and i look up and i see this little puff of orange hair above the gate and then in the next i'm like uh and then she said are you doug and i'm like oh uh, and then she said, are you Doug? And I'm like, oh, I don't know what this is about.

I should have said that, but I didn't. No, because I don't know what you've gotten yourself into that I don't need to get wrapped up in. Yeah, I'm definitely not Doug. I don't even know a Doug. But she turned out to be the mother of a big fan of the podcast, she said. So I invited her back for cocktails at sunset. And she came back with her husband, Gunny, a retired Marine. And she was so happy to be here.

She wanted to see where the podcast happened. Because her son, Brendan, is a big fan of the podcast. And he plays bass in a band. And he's also. Yeah. And he plays bass in a band. He's also. Yeah, and then this is what we found out later, is that as they were showing us pictures of Brendan playing bass in his band, Gunny said, yeah, he's a musician as well. Oh, yeah.

They have no idea that I'm a comic or probably what a podcast even is. Right. Yeah, well, they definitely think you're a musician. What's the name of the band? They have no idea that I'm a comic or probably what a podcast even is. Right. Yeah. Well, they definitely think you're a musician. What's the name of the band? Pat and the Hats. Out of New Hampshire somewhere. Out of New Hampshire.

And they were the sweetest, nicest people. So Brendan in New Hampshire, who plays bass for Pat and the Hats, your mother and father are very sweet. They're very sweet. I got them to take a picture with me. I asked them to because I didn't know what else to say. Yeah. I said, well, let's get a picture then. Uh-huh.

And then they kept showing me pictures of Brendan. Yeah, but we should get a picture of us and you can send it to Brendan. And they looked at their phones like they were phasers and didn't know how to set it on stun. But they were very sweet. If you're ever in New Hampshire and you want to see a band, see Pat

and the Hats. And what Carmel told me is that what they do is they all wear hats. Which I thought was a really smart thing because otherwise you're looking at them and going, hey, wait a minute, man. Nobody's wearing a goddamn hat. Is it just about the music? hey, wait a minute, man. Nobody's wearing a goddamn hat. Is it just about the music?

Yeah, that's bullshit, man. Yeah, if there's a donkey show and there's only a donkey, you're going, this isn't really a show. You need a hat or a sidekick. Yeah, that was, again, everyone that comes by here, and it doesn't happen often, but occasionally you see a fucking nose come over the fence like Kilroy. How's that for a dated World War II reference? Kilroy. If it does happen, you have to be like Carmel and Gunny,

and that means super sweet and in and out, take some pictures, and don't be such a weirdo that you hang out forever. They were very retired parents polite. a weirdo that you hang out forever they were very retired parents polite like i have had some weirdos stay forever and that were that was our fault yeah yes stay you don't want to drive drunk but it wasn't no one's ever forced them well not no one but uh yeah it's yeah do like just a little bit of a disclaimer on the, yeah, sure, come on by. Like, yeah, come on by and say hello. And then don't, you know.

Yeah, there was a couple. We've already moved in, so there's no room for you. Do you understand what I'm saying? I've already done what you want to do, moved in here. I wonder if Pat and the Hats need a ukulele player, because Bingo has recently taken up the ukulele. And when I say taken up, like anything

that she gets obsessive about, played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69. Every waking moment, which are most of her moments, are awake playing ukulele. How many songs have you learned now? 40.

40. I've had it for four days. That's like 15 a day. With repeated phone calls. What's another song you like? I want to learn one for you. Yeah, the rest of your band is a little nervous

right now because they're not sure they can keep up oh yeah there's a band too it's the band is chaley ukulele it's bingo on ukulele that she knows how to play after four days uh with 40 songs that's like when you get the fucking open mic or he's like uh i want to do open mic man i got like four hours of material written down no you have probably none you're ready for no i've been listening to the plucking though you have songs you're getting there absolutely getting there uh so the name of the band is chaley ukulele it stars uh bingo on uh are you the front man i'm the vocalist You're the vocalist and the ukuleleist. Lead ukulele.

Lead ukulele. Because Chaley does both guitar and backup ukulele. And Tracy's on cello. Cello. Yeah, that's our band. If you want to play in Bisbee, you have to have a cello with a band. Yeah, that's a fact. Everybody knows that.

And you're going to be performing tonight? Yes. Is that what I heard? Oh, really? Yes. For you guys. That's exciting. Does anyone know this?

Does the rest of the band know this? No. Because right now he's cooking brown rice. No, they're cooking coconut shrimp and brown rice. No, later on.

All right. After the coconut shrimp. Yeah. That's the same way Mick Jagger and Keith Richards used to get ready for gigs. They'd fry up a bunch of brown rice,

coconut shrimp, nice appetizer, go right into the gig. Fucking coat up in bug spray. I see your arm. It's fucking brutal. The bugs are absolutely fucking gnats. We went in the pool yesterday

and they just make clouds, like Tasmanian devil clouds over your head. And you try to keep all your body underwater, and I didn't spray bug spray on my head, and my thinning hair is not enough of a layer of protection, so I have lumps of fucking boils on my scalp, my ears. It stinks. It's going to drive me out of this fucking town. I would have left.

I would have fucking left after yesterday and gone and written up in the mountains somewhere. But I need to have internet. I need to have resources. I need to, yeah. You don't think the bugs are better up in the mountains, do you? Yes, they are. I thought it would just be bugs and coyotes and javelinas.

They're just more full of themselves up there. Oh, all right. Up in Pinos Altos, yeah. It's like fucking 9,000 feet or something. I don't know. But yeah, we've gone up there. Bugs are way better. But I can't leave because I get all my shit here.

But I still might leave. I'll just make stuff up. How about that? Fact, fuck a fact. Let's make up something uh i got shit loads of uh mail to go over with you people you people of the podcast let me get my reading glasses first of all uh our good friend uh hail satan sam who's a St. Louis cop, actually. Yeah, I haven't seen him in years. Yeah, yeah, he's still a St. Louis cop.

He avoided the whole Ferguson debacle. He was in a nicer suburb. And hasn't shot anybody yet? So I get what I think is a wedding invitation, because he's called me about going to it. And I swore off never again, no weddings, no funerals, fucking ever no matter who you are and i got this was an invitation but it says this weird because sam uh i don't know if you remember him gretchen he was he played acoustic guitar at a lot of parties he'd always

play sober by uh tool and uh ace of spades he's cop and he had, it was a good cop and the bad cop. He'd come with his partner who was like a wicked asshole cop. And he was nice to us, but he'd just start drinking and telling stories. And then all the fucking racism came out. That was the guy that went for, he was in Ferguson. Yeah.

I assumed he was, but he, so he called me about going to his wedding and i said no fucking way so he got married evidently in a private ceremony uh this january and this is a wedding invitation to a celebration of their wedding which it's a fucking wedding you're not tricking me by saying this is a seller it's, everyone has to look at you and bring you fucking gifts. No, I'm not going. I appreciate it, and I love you. This is what I was going to tell you is his wife is named Amy,

just like Amy Lopez, Whiskey Girl. She's from Sheridan, Wyoming, which is where Whiskey Girl was from, and they actually work together. So it's the triumvirate of Amy's. Amy Bingaman, the best friend. So this is going to occur on September 5th, 2015. If you want this invitation to go as me to Sam and Amy's wedding celebration in Sheridan, Wyoming, you've got to fucking be able to go.

First one that emails me that wants the fucking invitation, you have to go as me, bring a stupid gift, You should give him a free bottle. You have to go as me, bring a stupid gift, dress in 70s retard, and bring your date that's a bingo. Bingo is going to be your date. Have her dye her hair blue. So if you're willing to do that. And keep in mind he is a St. Louis cop if you're a black guy. No, he's the good cop. He is the good cop.

That is true. So yeah, that's on the auction block just for nothing if I can tell by your email that you're serious I will mail you this invitation and you can be me and Bingo and go to Sheridan, Wyoming

for a wedding celebration of a good friend how's that for a bonus just to start this podcast and we don't even know where this thing's going. I have a few more emails to read. Doug, your podcast. Steve Dale says,

why can I not listen to your podcast from your website? Is this an abandoned website now? Evidently it is, because the guy that used to run it for fucking nickels on the dollar got a real job. And so now Chaley's going to, I guess, learn how to put this shit on the website. So it's going to be a few days because Chaley has other shit to do,

like set up the DVD player over at my place. He's been threatening to do that. He's supposed to put in low wattage bulbs under my metal palm trees. He has a lot on his plate. And don't forget the coconut shrimp and brown rice is not cooking itself down there so yeah there's your podcast question answered uh this is a let me go to the other podcast question hey stanhope i love you man blah blah you're my favorite and you anyway i was just wondering why you haven't been uploading the new episodes of your podcast to youtube i assume it's because you're lazy and a drunk like me and all of your fans it's not a big deal i listen to all your podcasts on libsyn anyway i was just curious hit me back while i'm hitting you back i'll put

the fucking thing on youtube i don't give a shit you can put this on youtube you can put it on the pa system at a best buy i yeah do whatever you want with it play it over cb radio ad nauseum just channel 19 only because that's the cool one the truckers use all the truckers are on channel 19. Break one nine. How about you, Southbound? Yeah, so yeah, please put it out. Fucking sample it. Put it in your new hip-hop album. Eat the mic. Eat the mic.

Eat the mic. Eat the mic. All right. Blew a speaker. Blew a speaker. Hey, I've been listening to the podcast for a while now. Love every minute of it. Wow, you're easy to please.

And I'm from the UK. Well, that's surprising. Just caught a YouTube video of you from 1995 looking like Eddie Vedder in a Santa hat. That's a handsome man right there, that is. Why, thank you very much, Matt James. Also uses Hotmail. Love a fucking Hotmail pal. Yeah. Looking at pictures from 95.

Yep. I remember that. I know that picture. You do look cute. Yeah, no, this is a video. It was a thing we did with Hedberg that someone found on tape. Some theater show we did. It was fucking gruesome to watch

anyway sitting in a hotel room in a shitty town in the north of england who am i kidding they're all shit fucking inbreds that's why the uk like me because they hate themselves as much as i hate myself and it's a just brutally self-inflicted They're your ancestors of Christmas future. Right. So he's sitting in a hotel room in a shitty town, day drunk, rum and mango juice. Try it.

We actually have some mango and rum. Maybe we will try that. Mango juice in the UK. He said, I hit the part of the video, blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker. I laughed so much I threw up on the hotel room carpet, listening to the rest of the set while I scoop it up and throw it in the toilet. That's bad enough.

But the last time I was here, I shit on the bathroom floor. They love me. You can read an email and tell when it's authentic. Right. I piss my pants laughing, but no, I literally had to scoop vomit into a toilet while I was listening. Even though the UK sucks, I'm a killer termite for life. Say hi to Bingo. She's a legend here.

Chaley, who has the best laugh ever, and Chad Shank, who personally I look up to even though I'm six foot seven and wouldn't face to face. All right. Thank you. You can't guy. Well, fucking here's our dates. Glasgow, Newcastle leads Birmingham,

Nottingham, London, Bath, Manchester, Manchester, Oslo, Dublin. And that's just the ones I know about.

I think we're already announced Denmark, or I don't know. Fucking go to my abandoned website. At least they get the dates up there. They don't give a shit. Brian Hennigan doesn't give a fuck about the podcast as long as the dates are up there. It'll link to tickets.

He's got two yoga sessions per day. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot. One of them is hot yoga,

so you need recovery. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah. You need recovery time. This one's a great one. Anyone who says... It's a common interview question when you have to do interviews,

especially college fucking newspapers and first-time journalists or people that don't care, phoning it in for the lifestyle section of the moline bladder daniel curtis says i was a depressed 26 year old truck driver who regularly contemplated steering 30 tons of rolling metal misery into the forest on the side of the road to break the mundane life that I had created for myself. I've always loved stand-up and then I found your stuff. Someone who I could relate to and someone who seemed to live in the same sort of reality as I do. I quit my full-time job and

got enough work to pay the bills. I decided to go for it. I booked a slot in an open mic. I was nervous as shit. So I decided to do something that would be both a good story and a way to put myself in a really uncomfortable situation and see if I could be confident and get a laugh. I went to a local brothel. I figured if I can make a hooker laugh at my

jokes while we're having forced sex that she dies on the inside, I should be able to pull it off in front of a small crowd. I chose a 30-year-old and went into her room. We spoke and I told her I was a comedian. Instant success. Got her laughing.

As any good scientist does, I decided to repeat the experiment with another lady. She was 21. Seemed a success again. Gave me confidence. The open mic went well. I can live with myself now. You inspired someone, Stan Hope.

Dan the Australian. Oh, that's beautiful. That's a fucking great story. That is. The only problem, Dan, is that you kind of fucked yourself because that's actually a Tribble gig. You could have gotten paid $35 to do that. If you just come to Americaica come to america you can

play those gigs oh that's the sentence i never finished or one of them is every fucking bad interview they go so how did you get started in comedy and you just go to open mic it's never a story no one said oh i was at gunpoint and they said do, do 15 clean, or I'm going to kill your wife and kid. It's just, you go to open mic, there's never a good answer. You have a good answer, sir. So I hope you prosper. Or I hope you don't, because then everyone's going to expect a really good story. Like, I hired a hooker as an open fucking mic.

And this guy is the fucking best. This is a long one. But Tim Wegner, you're a killer termite hero. If I had a medal, we should create one. You got me charged with disorderly conduct, you fucking asshole. This is a good one. But I'd probably do it again in a heartbeat. I was listening to your live at Wise Acres bootleg in my shop and laughing my ass off when the

cops show up and tell me that the miserable cunts next door called and said, profanity, profanity! I responded that I responded with, it's this newfangled thing the kids are calling comedy, officer. You can score it at Walmart.

I flat out lied about scoring it at Walmart, by the way. I got it off the internet, but I figured cops spoke Walmart better. So they go over to the miserable cunts next door and they have a recording where they can

hear you say finger fucking and probably some other shit, but they only mentioned finger fucking to me, which is also pretty funny. I tell them that some of the newfangled comedy has adult words in it, and nobody cares. And there's also this new thing called

the First Amendment, and that obscenity has pretty much been hashed out in court completely, and I think I am well within my rights to play Doug Stanhope at a reasonable volume at a reasonable time of day, which I was, by the way, middle of the fucking day. No 3am finger-fucking wake-up call

or anything. So I just got the ticket for disorderly conduct because of you, you funny motherfucker. They have video of audio of you saying finger-fucking and that is evidence with a capital E. The man is trying to suppress Stanhope stanhope is too

hot for anyone to hear in the middle of the day and if i want to listen to you i have to wear fucking earplugs how shit is that band and coca cocanino county wherever that is band and cocanino county would make a damn fine cd title in my own opinion didn't you mention that you had a saul goodman type of lawyers skulking around i'm pretty sure this is total bullshit from a legal legal perspective but hey what do i know blah blah blah blah hopefully we can be pen pals why wow hopefully we can be pen pals while i am in the stripy hole breaking rocks drinking pruno and crying while thinking about how wrong it was to play your bits out loud so the motherfucking cunts next door could hear them and take offense.

Well, Tim Wagner, email me with your address, and I'll forward that address to Greg Chaley, and we'll send you out some hokum that someone sent me, like possibly a bottle of Sambal Olek. I don't know if you're familiar with the, I've promoted it on the show. I thought Sambal Olek was the name of the company. I thought that was the brand.

But it's, I get it from the same people who make sriracha. It's a hui foy or fong. Hui fong? I don't know. But it's just a word for salsa. It's like a Thai word for salsa. Sambal olek.

So this guy from the Netherlands, I guess. Yeah, I'm in the Netherlands, and you said that you like this sambal olek, so he sent me like eight different brands from the store because it's popular over there. All my guests today get a free bottle of Sambal Olek.

That's exciting. It's wicked good. Makes the perfect breakfast taco. Shredded lettuce, little bit of mayonnaise with your eggs and whatever vegetables and a meat if you like. But mayonnaise and S sambal olek are the condiment to fucking make that breakfast taco shredded lettuce i wonder how that coconut shrimp

makes crunchy the crunchy kind so that's uh yeah that's the that's a viewer mail got a bunch of bibles someone sent a shitload of Bibles, whatever that dude's name was. I'm not fucking bringing Bibles to the UK. They're too heavy. I won't have Chaley in the UK. I'll have Hennigan. That's not your guy when it comes to merch booth shit.

Do they put Bibles in rooms in the UK or is that an American thing exclusively? I don't remember. I haven't been for three years and it's been since then that we started the stolen Bible thing. But I'm packing my own ice

to the UK because they don't fucking put ice in drinks and if they do, it's three little tiny fucking hollow cubes that melt before they serve it to you.

So yeah, it's going to be heavy enough packing a giant block of ice with 1800s tongs that I carry with a chipper. Yeah. You're going to break it off the river during winter? I just pick.

Yeah, the chipper thing that you'd use for woodworking. A mallet. A chisel? A chisel, thank you. Yeah, I just chisel it off in my corner booth, even though they don't have a booth. You have to stand in the pub. It stinks.

So I'll be bringing condiments and drinking supplies to the UK, and we'll sell these if I ever work again after that. Why are your ticket prices so high, you fuck? Again, in the UK? Because you know what? Because I don't want to do this for a living anymore. If I'm only going to do fucking 20 shows a year yeah they're going to pay

that's why any other questions and I price myself depending on what other comics that are in my league charge and I price less than them so next time you say

do a bargain yeah how come the fucking fucking whatever quid charge and I price less than them. So next time you say... Still a bargain. Yeah. How come the fucking... Fucking whatever quid for fucking Glasgow? You fucking cunt. Do I get a hand job with this? Send me the email next time going, oh, it's three quid less than Jim Jefferies.

Yeah. Okay, good. How much does Billy Connolly charge? He's over there, right? Right. Is he still alive? Yeah, charge? He's over there, right? Right. Is he still alive? Yeah, I doubt he's sweating over a notebook.

Fucking half the guys you pay twice as much to see have everything but an actual phone in their hand when they deliver that shit. Yeah, you should come to L.A. where everyone does have an actual phone in their hand while they deliver their shit. Oh, you should come to LA where everyone does have an actual phone in their hand while they deliver their shit.

Oh, that's right. I fucking hate that. People don't... The sets are only five to seven minutes long and they can't remember their topics. They have to have their phone to look at. They actually use their phones for notes. Yeah, they take notes on their phones

and then they read them on their phone. And then they read their jokes. What happened to writing it on your arm? Only Shapiro does that. It used to be that people would bring up notes and there was some consternation between the alt crowd and the road crowd. Oh, this fucking guy's bringing up

notes. It's so unprofessional. Well, now it looks like they're reading tweets. They're so disinterested. They're just scrolling through their phone for their notes. You know, in my day... I'm giving a sermon on a lack of professionalism in comedy right now. I was going to say, having not done a sober set since 2003 and remembering it because it was so stark.

Sermons from the cesspool. Yeah. You're working on a GoFundMe Yeah, speaking of Bibles, I have a GoFundMe page. I am working to rewrite all the Bibles in the world to read

Adam and Steve so that the next time one of these Christians starts sh Steve so that the next time one of these Christians starts shrieking that the Bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, you can say, ah, look a little more closely, my friend. And he's going to do this by hand. By hand, one at a time, by knocking on your door.

Well, actually, after I had one of my highly paid staff members point out to me that I actually don't even need the whiteout because Steve is actually just more letters than Eve. I hadn't researched this properly. So I don't even need the whiteout. Now I just need the pens. Can you imagine if you bought a billion Bibles worth of whiteout and then someone went, oh, by the way.

Yeah, I'd have played it off. Like, well, yeah, I planned on just writing it in there nice. Well, first of all, you only have a space between words. And that's two letters you're going to try to cram into. Oh, I'll get it in there. I'd white out Eve and then put a really tiny Steve that fits over where Eve was. Well, we'll see how much money we get. So far, I have $5.

I crunched the numbers, and I need $666 to make this happen. Well, that's weird. Well, you know what's really weird is that I crunched the numbers when I was buying the whiteout, and it was $666. And then when I realized I don't need the whiteout, I crunched the numbers again. Still, $666 is what came up on the adding machine. It didn't change at all.

That's fate, my friend. So that proves it to me that God wants me to do this. Is it one of those old-fashioned? It makes a lot of noise when I press the button. Did you buy a weird one from some Stephen King type of pawn shop? Well, yeah. You pull a handle. Yeah, exactly right. And then a scary bug scurried away

and i grabbed it and then a old gypsy looked at me thank you very much so yeah so uh go to the adam and steve bible rewrite and uh it doesn't even matter if you contribute money i'm doing it anyway it's the lord's calling he's called me to do this man that's motivation motivation that i don't have for this podcast so i'm going to pour another cocktail full of it and we'll be back after this important message hit the pause button beside beside the it's the one right next to it to the left. Island Entertainment, come to the Island Mon. We'll watch your cart, mon. Hey, do you like mostly gay-themed 60s camp videos on VHS,

but you don't know where to find them? Well, come on down to Island Entertainment right here, conveniently located in Vineyard Haven on Martha's Vineyard. And don't forget to bring your cat. Because we also do pet sitting, because we're going out of business. That's right, unless we get more business, we're going out of business. So come on down and ask for me, Jamie. And me, Ann.

And say, hey, I'd like a campy gay VHS video, from beach blanket video all the way up to point break. You don't think it's gay, but it's pretty gay. And also, will you watch my dog for a couple of days? I'm going out of town. Heck yes, we will. Because we're Island Entertainment plus pet sitting. And we might be going out of business. But that's all up to you, the customer.

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What was that number again? Remember, no birds. 508-693-7441, or the easy way to remember it is 50-Toy-3-Pig-1. We're really serious about that bird thing. We had an incident. And no pigs, ironically. Hey, thanks.

Ask for me, Jamie. We had an incident. And no pigs, ironically. Hey, thanks. Ask for me, Jamie. Or me, Ann. Or we're gonna be sitting out on the sidewalk like hobos. Seriously, you guys. Hi, I'm Jamie. And I'm Ann. We're from Island Entertainment, and we really will go out of business if you don't come down here and rent a video.

And or bring your cat. Thank you. Island Entertainment. Come you. Island Entertainment. Come to the Island Mon. All left cats are not our responsibility. Okay, and now we're back with the remainder of this Doug Stanhope podcast. A fucking treasure, this one. Oh.

And with Brett Erickson and Chaley's back from his coconut shrimp, everyone raved about Absolutely delicious. Absolutely delicious. Coconut curry. That's why Doug's hungry. Yeah, because I don't eat curry or coconut, especially coconut. Curry I just look at in a tray, and then you go, ah. So I don't know that I don't like it.

I just prejudge it, and I'm usually right. Yeah. But coconut fucking sucks. And if you like coconut, you can't listen to this podcast anymore. I can cut you out. I can block your IP address, I think. I think everyone's just surprised I knew the lingo for something, and I don't understand what it is.

So, yeah, see Brett Erickson. Yeah, come see Brett Erickson. You host a show at— I host a show on Sunday nights on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, California. It was our legendary bar back in the early Hedberg days when we were afraid to walk in there during the day it was the coaching horses and it turned into our fucking bar and then it went bad now it's worse i mean i don't think that i think it's fantastic no i mean it went bad in that it got popular

all of a sudden dive bars became trendy and everyone scared the fucking rubes out. That was the place where you and I almost got in a fight, but it was the night that you ran out of the improv with the sign that broke. Yeah, yeah, in a windstorm. And Mitch Hedberg and I and his girlfriend at the time were like across the street and you're running down the street with...

Well, because it blew the sign out of the original uh not the original improv that's new york but the the melrose improv and the sign blew out in a windstorm and shattered right in front of us so i grabbed the biggest piece that's what it's in the kitchen there it says erm rov or something i got a big piece and yeah and ran because I didn't want them to take it away. Mitch yelled out to you, where are you going? See you at the coach and horses!

Or something as you ran. And then we met you back there later. That was fun. I almost got into a fight. Well, you were trying to fuck this chick playing Ms. Pac-Man and I really... Man, if I had a nickel. That's nothing sexier than a chick playing Ms. Pac-Man, and I really... Man, if I had a nickel. Oh, that's nothing sexier than a chick playing Ms. Pac-Man. I just really wanted to beat both of you at Ms. Pac-Man, and you misconstrued my intentions.

Oh, I almost got into a fight with you over Ms. Pac-Man? No, because the chick, you thought I was trying to hone in on the chick. That doesn't sound like me. I know. It's weird. It was a long time me. I know. It's weird. It was a long time ago. I usually go for the laydowns. Like, alright, you definitely want to fuck me? Alright. I don't usually try to hone.

Well, I don't know what her game was either. Until a girl was fucking me, I'd go, are you serious? Is this really happening? You're into this? Ugh. Look around. There's no mirrors.

So can I say what the bar is actually called now? Yeah. Can we get to that part? Oh, I thought it was. It's not the Coaching Horses anymore. We ate there. I still thought it was. It's called the Pikey, which is apparently an insult.

But Americans don't give a fuck about that. And so it's called the pikey and when it was the coaching horses there used to be an indian restaurant it's a hipster bar which you wish hipster was an insult to hipsters but you don't have the word there's no word that they're offended by yeah well there's too many of them anyway to it wouldn't matter if you offended them they have to go pikey is a hipster bar is it i don't even know i'm asking i heard i don't know i won't go in there i i almost went in they have a fucking great bloody mary there that's this yeah this queer do you like because i'm not a bloody man i know i don't even like bloody marys and this one is really really really good so that that was that was a good thing uh but was on Sunset near Curzon.

Right. Yeah. And it's Sunday nights at 9 o'clock. And we have good comedians. And we set up a stage in the back. And it's a comedy program. They must have really redone that place. They don't support the show at all. Well, there was an Indian restaurant behind Coach and Horses.

And that's where the show is because they actually bought the place. And it used to share a bathroom with the Coach and Horses. You know, they don't... And that's where the show is because they've actually bought this place. And it used to share a bathroom with the Coach and Horses. But now that's all one place. So the show's in the back. That weird place you have to drive around the back to go into the entrance of the restaurant? Now it's all connected.

So you have to go through the share to get to the restaurant? No, you have to go through the bar and then you go behind the bathrooms and then behind the bathrooms, there's another bar. There's a hallway that connects the front bar to the bathroom. That's the word. A corridor.

Is this the Indian restaurant where it's kind of like here, Cafe Roca, where it's like five or seven courses and you sit Indian style and it's like... The Indian restaurant's long gone. But that's the pike he bought long gone but that's the pikey bought it but that's why everyone's confused because it's an English style

pub and then you get to the back of the pikey and there's nothing but pictures of fucking like Indian princes well this isn't very London-y why is Ganesh on the fucking wall back here eating coconut shrimp.

Yeah, that's where the show is. When we were there last time, we couldn't go back there. They were doing a photo shoot or something, right? Is that the room? They were doing something. Probably porn. But is that the room back there? Yes, that's the room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the room. It's a room. It seats comfortably about 17 people. It's a room, it seats comfortably about 17 people. And we have, in this show, we have occasionally been near two-thirds capacity on occasion. Including comics? That's impressive.

They're awing in the background. So, please, just I want to get the plug in. Go to what used to be the Coach and Horses. Bring your crying towel, if you ever were there when it was great. And then go to see Brett Erickson host. The show is free, for God's sakes. Yeah, that's too much money in L.A. Because everything turns into a comedy show at some point. You're in a car wash, and at some point, well, it says wax.

But no, I have to sit through seven minutes of this up and comer i also have a show at a car wash uh it's on curson and genesee and uh it's it's free curson and genesee run parallel you fucking turd that is true no your town that burns er burns, Erickson. That hurts. That hurts bad. Leave the house. I'm afraid. It's not the neighborhood it used to be. All right, we're going to wrap this up,

and I'll try to fucking put out more sludge during the week, but I'm working. Things are going well. Brett Erickson, see him in L.A. At Brett. Do you fucking say it? Brett, not Brent on Twitter. Yeah.

The name that you fucking hate because I changed it because I had a number in it, and I thought that was stupid. You just put some video up on your website. Plug your website. Oh, yeah. BrettEricksonComedy.com. Go there. your website oh yeah brett erickson comedy.com go there you can see me uh defend josh duggar and also uh uh talk about the most important actual the really truly most important person

in my life the prophet muhammad who you have tattooed on your arm yes oddly Is that what that is? I thought it was Snoopy. I was so drunk. I told him Muhammad. I meant Ali. I'm pretty sure that you can be killed for having an image of the Muhammad. Maybe they should just tone down and go with Hell's Angels where they just cut that skin off of you rather than behead you. But you know what? That's my biggest problem with

the Muslims. They won't take fucking notes from the Hell's Angels. Jesus, for Christ's sakes. Get into the 20th century. And who are we to tell religious fanatics how to act? That'll be on the next podcast. Stay tuned.

Anything else you need to plug? I think that's it. Hey, Greg Chaley, where are you next week? I am right here. I think you're putting my fucking DVD player in and the goddamn lights on my metal palm trees. We were over this while you were cooking coconut shrimp. I do have one more thing I want.

Can I give a MTV-style shout-out to my lovely wife who just turned 40 years Mitchell uh she's uh the one half of the bretchels or as I call them the britches bitches Brett and Mitchell uh and she came down to celebrate her 40th birthday, which they gave you a miner's cup, you know, the lengthy tradition from the mining days where you have to drink out of a small metal cup. A tiny thimble-sized. On your 40th birthday.

They made up some bullshit. Yeah, they made her drink out of a fucking, basically a thimble all night, because it's a tradition from Serbian miners. Somehow the Irish woman found a way to get drunk regardless. Yeah. Again, again, again, again, again, again, again. It's just like they say in the desert, life finds a way. They never say that in the desert, nor do they drink out of a mining cup.

Oh, is that where it was? I always get the desert and Jurassic Park mixed up. That's on me, you guys. All right. The other thing is we still have some shirts left from the Canadian tour, Weeping Lesions, and it's online at Doug Stanhope. The Weeping Lesions tour, a fucking grand success, I say. Yeah, don't forget to go to the DougStanhope.com merch page and buy Brett Erickson's merch on CD.

And don't forget about Sam's not wedding wedding. If you want to go to Sheridan, Wyoming on September 5th, I will send you this as long as I believe your email. And I know you'll go. Yeah, September 5th in Sheridan, Wyoming. That's a podcast as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and thank you, Guy, that sent the Jesus clock.

Yes, it does spin. Oh, Ziggy. I already fucking talked about Ziggy with the Bibles, didn't I? Whatever. All right, stop slowing the end of this down. Bye. Oh, wait.

We got to close on something that Gretchen here found while we're... Pat and the Hats. Yeah, Carmel and Gunny's son, Brendan, plays bass in this band. Yeah, they stopped by, and guess what? We're going to close on a Pat and the Hats song. Enjoy this. It starts with Brendan's bass, and then it goes into, She's a Gemini, and I'm not well.

Enjoy. And among them must have been a sun-sun flower She's got some light in her hair But beware She's got a night time to decide And she wears it when you think you've got her And you've got nothing left to hide So bear in mind, this blood knows I've tried She's a gem and I gem and I gem and I I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well

I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well I'm not well She's a kicker in your gasoline Quicker than a magical star on fire Fire

She was sweeter than a lemon tree Sour enough to laugh as I was crying Crying So beware She got love lights in her eyes. And she wears it when you think you've got her. But it's got nothing to let you hide. So wear mine, cause Lord knows I've tried.

She's a gem in her, gem in her, gem in her eyes. Oh, not well, not well, not well, not well. She's a gem in her, gem in her, gem in her eyes. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will And I'm not well known Ooh, ooh, ooh Oh yeah Oh, yeah. I'm not well She's a Gemini I'm not well She's a Gemini I'm not well guitar solo Your world, my world, my world, yeah Your world, my world, my world, yeah See you next time. We going?

What? Oh, if you tear it down, this won't happen? I got you. Actually, I found that when you tear it down, things happen, and I set it up really quick. All right, good. Puts people at ease. Well, no, when they see a blinking light or a red light, they think something's... Let me set this up. No, go ahead.

I'm just answering a question. I got you. Is that Sambuca? It's Uzo. It's Uzo. Hey, this is the Doug Stanhope post podcast where Joby did not want to tell the graphic details of his sister's 42-year-old violent alcoholic death, which he actually said,

well, it was a lot of things, not just alcohol. It was fucking graphically alcohol. And she was a... So what we're doing, now that we're shit-faced and he told us the real story, we thought the best way to do this, since we're shit-faced,

is me, Chaley, and Chad Shank will recreate the story drunk history style. Yes. You're pointing at things. Give me your shot glass. We're doing drunk history. Shitty shots.

This is Uzo. We're going to mark the dog show. No. We get Negroni. Give me that. No, give me your fucking shot glass. I don't want to even do fucking things. You just said drunk history.

Oh, yep, yep. Fucking ass. If it was drunk history, they'd make you drink Uber. How's this guy? All of a sudden running the show. I don't know. Seems kind of like a pussy to me.

He doesn't want to do a shot now. Here's the thing. First of all, we've got to focus on not talking over each other. Oh, yours is really full. That's not going to work. Sorry about that. All right. Here's what happened with Joby's sister.

Here, hold on a second. Who drank herself to death At 42 Cheers I hate liquorice That's fucking disgusting I know but I try to make her gurgling sound It'll taste better when I throw up in the morning

Sorry I stepped on you Oh it'll taste like good and plenty I'll wake up thinking I was at the movie theater. What happened to Joby's goddamn sister at 42? She wasn't a scumbag. She was a

gated community. This is drunk history about Joby's sister because he didn't want to talk about it and he told us about it where it would have been such a fucking great podcast. It's a nice story. He didn't say that we couldn't do drunk history version

of it though. No, he didn't. What did she do for a living? I don't know what she did for a living. She lived in a gated community. I'm doing drunk history. She lived in a gated community kind of place with her husband, and she had kids that are fucking four and eight or ten and seven.

Statistics say that female professionals are more likely to be alcoholics. You're reading off notes. I'm doing drunk history. Here's what happened. Joby said, I'm not going to go into detail on the podcast. Don't say names, because I'm going to bleep every time you say his name. You're not bleeping shit. I'm the fucking boss here.

I'm the boss, man. All right. So Joby said he didn't want to get into detail. So we kept looking up on the internet all these fucking horrible things that can happen. Horrible. When you die but she was in a coma for several weeks or a week and a half and

and then she came out of it it wasn't a it was more that he said a week and a half hey I've been in a coma for a week and a half and now I'm out of it oh wait is that how drunk history works don't they have like dialogue that you have to do?

Exactly. So she starts bleeding out. She comes out of her coma, and he flies out there, and she's bleeding through her belly button and her eyes. Is that right? I'm bleeding through my belly button and my eyes. Eyes? Is that right? I'm bleeding through my belly button and my eyes!

That's not funny. Because he didn't say she was also bleeding out. If she was bleeding out of her eyes and her belly button, I don't even know how that happens. There's not a way to do that. But then she's obviously bleeding out of her ass and probably her vagina.

I'm obviously bleeding out of my ass. So, Joby, as she becomes, she comes out of a coma and becomes lucid. So, she's saying. Lucid meaning she can, like, she understands what she's saying. She knows that you want to go into hospice care. I know what the situation is and I want to go into hospice care.

I feel like we're dealing with the poop on South Park. I'm going to stop doing this. I'm fucking horrible. Hang on, Chad Shank. I'll cue you when it's time. Because he has plenty to say.

Because I'm trying to remember the story for Drunk History. I'm trying to remember how Drunk History works. Well, he's, again, Joby is the sober guy in those situations. He's dealt with death a million times. Every time you say Joby, we should do a shot. Josh. No. Jesus.

We're going to walk the dogs. So he shows up. She comes out of this coma. He says, what happened? Do you want to go into hospice care? To her. Yeah.

The one that would go into hospice care. Yeah, and she's like, I don't want to. Yeah, fuck it. Put me in hospice care. To her. Yeah. The one that would go into hospice care. Yeah, and she's like, I don't want to, yeah, fucking put me in hospice care. Hey, listen, you just woke up from a coma. Do you want to go in hospice care? Yeah, I want to go in hospice care. Oh, additionally,

you're bleeding from the eyes and the anus. Oh, no, wait, no. He said... Hold on, I want to go to a baseball game. She was crying fucking yellow tears. Yeah. She wasn't crying blood. Her tears were fucking absolute amber

yellow of fucking... I'm trying to think what that would be. Yeah, jaundice. Shit that happens when you drink too much. Not like us. We just drink for fun. We're lightweights in the sport so then she she starts bleeding from her belly button and other places but she oh she's coughing up blood cough for six hours as she's in hospice care every breath she's coughing up at first snot and garbage but then

into full on blood so he's having to hide this from the other family members because Joby's a fucking good case hey even though I'm wearing a white t-shirt I wish I could hide this better because I keep getting blood coughed all over me.

So he's trying to cough, like have her cough up snot into his snot rag. I don't know what they give you. Listen, there's plenty of things. Hospice, they're ready for this, right?

They're ready. Joby had to spend six goddamn hours fucking coughing up snot. But when he needs a rag to wipe blood or saliva or mucus, there's someone ready to slap. There wasn't in fucking Oklahoma because he's sad to sit there by himself hiding.

But they are hospices equipped to help him care for that person so he shot her up and she died yeah all right that happens that so they shot her up he asked her he did like fucking mother hey can you fucking give her a shot that makes her fucking die quickly and it was still another hour is that how it worked? Here's the point. If everything in this is wrong, we're on drunk fucking history. Sorry, Joby.

We wouldn't talk about it on the goddamn podcast as soon as we're done. Oh, he was shining. He was like fucking... He was on a soapbox going, why didn't you tell us on the podcast? You braggart! You and your relative death stories. He didn't want to tell it was alcohol

related when you asked him. It was alcohol and other things. No, it was all alcohol and they told her a million times she's going to die if she keeps drinking. She's going to get bored too. So that's fucking how history was rewritten

in Joe Joe's defense because he is not here and fuck him for not telling his goddamn story because that's how this podcast work works this will go after the song at the end

of your podcast this will be the bonus material let me try to sound sober After the song at the end of your podcast, this would be the bonus material. Yeah. Yeah. Hang on. Let me try to sound sober, and I'll do this drop. I dare you. Hang on. I can do it.

I can do it. Hang on. Chad, back off. Back off. Three, two, one. Look at that left eye. Look at that left eye. And stay tuned for bonus material after the podcast.

No. No. Loser. No. No. Loser. No way. Drunk. So we need to just, we can't tip it. No, we can't. Listen, we can't tip it before the song.

This just needs to be for all the fucking guys who go like, wait a minute. How come there's seven more minutes after? Oh, bonus. Like Easter egg footage. Yeah. All right. So do the. Like Easter egg footage. Yeah. All right. So do the intro. Do the intro to that.

Do the intro to what? Like, hey, this was after the fact. No, fuck that. They have to listen, dude. You can't just be warned about bonus. So do I tell. They're going to think the song's really long, and they're just going to stop listening. Oh, they'll know.

Some people will. I don't know what we're doing but yeah people can find this this is drunk history oh no you just put it on the fucking thing you're gonna have to listen so yeah you just put a hey listen for uh bonus footage after the show drunk history bonus footage hey Hey, Greg Chaley, your sober self later, days from now, put in a bonus footage link to the pod. I don't know. I thought you just wanted him to listen. You just contradicted yourself. Chad, he has no idea how any of this works, which is clear,

which is why I am a robot. I don't know what I'm saying. We were done. Goodbye. Fuck you guys. Fuck this. Alright, goodbye. He said fuck this. That was the best ending ever.