The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #88: Post Vacation Cocktails with Doug & Chaille

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

Post Vacation Cocktails podcast. Doug and Chaille talk Spain, Last Comic Standing and the Pinos Altos Bumper Incident.Recorded July 25, 2015  at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -BEAR CREEK CABINS – PINOS ALTOS, NMhttp://bit.ly/1LP7qjjThe Buckhorn Saloon & Opera House, PINOS ALTOS, NM - http://bit.ly/1h0lDgvHATCH GREEN CHILI STEWhttp://bit.ly/1fALYAGStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing Song, "Holiday in Spain" performed by Counting Crows. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, it's the Doug Stanhope podcast with Greg Chaley. C-H-A-I-L-L-E. At Greg Chaley. People have such creative ways of spelling your name. Just imagine if you're a French person. Chaley. It's Chaley, I think. I didn't take French, I took Spanish.

Well, I've failed three years of French. Oh, so how would you say it? No, I took three years didn't take French. I took Spanish. I've failed three years of French. So how would you say? I took three years. I failed two. In junior high? Middle school. Middle school, yeah. And then one year of junior high. Wait, isn't middle high...

Because we were fucking racist. What? Because Puerto Rican kids were the people to hate we didn't have mexicans in the uh new england states we had puerto ricans which out here like i've lived out west my entire adult life and puerto rico is a an exotic place to me now but back then if you took spanish so you took french to be completely useless. Well, I mean growing up in Southern California it was kind of, when I

graduated, 84, so I went into landscaping and nursery management and stuff like that and that was key to know Spanish. Yeah, yeah, no, but it was fucking everywhere. No one needs to know how to speak French. It's a stupid fucking pointless language.

That's a bit I always tried to do was about Spain. First of all, yeah. España. Yeah. All your fucking heritage. You know what? You speak your fucking torturer's language, Mexico. They crushed you.

Talk about heritage. Go back to speaking whatever you fucking spoke before. But the fact that Spain is so insignificant in the global world, yet a quarter of the population speaks their fucking language, and the actual country it came from, yeah, they're like Greece. They're fucking hobos. They're fucking panhandlers now. They once had the armada,

the Spanish armada. That was what fucking ruled the... They thought to be the world at the time. For years, I searched for the good analogy for... And I never came up with the analogy for how worthless Spain is, yet everyone speaks their language.

It's like getting herpes from a fucking Saved by the Bell guy. All right, I don't know. See, I never came up with a good one. See, he's still searching. Yeah. Have you ever been to Spain? No, but I love that song by the Counting Crows, Holiday in Spain. Hey, you know what?

Fucking we're going to close on that. Now we don't have to drum up a song. Spain's great. A lot of these podcast people, it's just me and Chaley are talking at this table anyway. We go, let's just hit record because we're due to put out a podcast.

We got nothing. If we chose to sit anywhere else in the funhouse, there would be half as many podcasts. If we found a more comfortable else in the fun house, there would be half as many podcasts. If we found a more comfortable place to sit, we'd never hit record unless we had a record stick. You know why? Because there's no sports on now. Yeah.

So if there were sports on, we'd be in those chairs facing the TV. But if we're just in here drinking, yeah, we sit at the podcasting table. What sports are there right now? Baseball. Yeah, we sit at the podcasting table. What sports are there right now? Baseball, but no one cares about it. We just came from two days in the Pinos Altos, and there's no TV. I didn't know there was internet until today when we were leaving as I furiously tried to get in.

You don't want to know there's internet. That's fine. No phone service, no internet, no TV. We sit up there and listen to Bingo practice her fucking ukulele. and we sit up there and listen to Bingo practice her fucking ukulele. Pinos Altos, people, is such the perfect getaway from Bisbee because it's only two and a half hours away. It's up in New Mexico. It's ten minutes from Silver City, so you can get down to a grocery store,

stock up your cabin, and Bear Creek Cabins. I get a fucking Yelp. I'm writing this down. I get a Yelp. I put them in the link last time we talked about them and I put it in with the mini cast that went out. Alright, good.

Yeah, it's just this great escape. Hey, by the way, whoever emails me relentlessly the name Hatch Green Chilies, which is a New Mexico thing. You know what?

We were up there, and I got your email about I should listen to Tropic of Cancer. A book on tape. People take everything I say, and then because I say I don't listen to fiction. I don't read fiction. This is kind of like an autobiography written as fiction. Read Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer. You know what? I don't need to.

It's boring, softcore 40s porn. It was banned from high school, I thought. Yeah. It's because it's, yeah. For the same reasons that couples slept in separate beds in sitcoms. It's fucking, I tried to read it. But Hatch Green Chili, yeah, we were just up there, and I was going to email you and torch you. Hey, the green chilis up here are fantastic in New Mexico, just so you'd bother me to

see where I fucking am. And then I go, no, too late, I left. His email address is like fan letters 17 at whatever. So I think all he does is just torture people with his fucking emails. So he's got 16 other email addresses too. In case someone catches on. Fan letter 17 because there's 16 people who thought of it first. Or he did.

Or maybe he's 17 years old. Or he was 17 when he started it. I don't know. But yeah, we went up to Pinos Altos. We spent a couple days in the cabin with our wives. The drunk decision that you followed through on the next day. That's why you do it drunk.

Make the booking. You give them a credit card number and you wake up. Guess we're going. And we're going. And it was perfect. We had a great time. The Bear Creek Cabins, I cannot recommend them enough. It's a destination place. You'd have to fly in a, I guess Tucson would be the closest place.

What? Drive two and a half hours. Really? Yeah, there's no airport near there. There's not even one like just past it or something? Las Cruces? No. Maybe. No, Tucson's probably closer than El Paso. Anyway, the point is, yeah, it's my fucking getaway when I have to take a vacation

from this life that I've led that has been a permanent vacation that I complained about. And what's the name of the fucking restaurant? The Buckhorn. The Buckhorn, yeah.

Established in 18, was it 18 or was it 1903? No idea. It looks like 1803. It's the only place to eat and drink. And it's walking distance, but kind of place you can probably drive drunk and get away with it. Because there's no kids to run out in front of your car. There's no traffic. It's a quarter mile from the Bear Creek cabins.

The Buckhorn Saloon, Pinos Altos, New Mexico, settled 1803. And that sign is from 1803. They just keep painting over it. Oh, this town was settled. There's a fort across the street from where we used to kill Indians. In the opera house? That restaurant is really good. You make it sound different when you say, yeah, there's a place you can get some food.

That place is a nice place to get. You get surprised at what you actually get there. The steak you had and the... Yeah, the filet mignon is 42 bucks. It ain't cheap. But that fucking green... Hatch green chili stew. Was unbelievable.

I described it to my brother. He's a cook. And Chaley's... You're a cook. I mean, you recreate shit. It was fucking delicious. It was almost like queso. Yeah, it was that thick.

Yeah, but green chili. It was like dark queso. Yeah, it was that thick. But green chili. It was like dark green with shredded beef, but small chunks of it. Slow cooked braised beef. That was fucking unbelievable. Bingo ate it, and she doesn't eat meat. She ordered a second bowl and left her salad

all by itself. And everyone was cool, and you could walk up that mountain. We never did the full mountain this time. God damn it, I wanted to keep teeing off on the Spanish thing. I haven't thought about that in a long time, but it's too late. About Spain. Yeah, fucking everyone speaks their language. I remember this from high school.

It's Castilian, so it's a little bit different. The Spanish from Spain is a little bit different than the Spanish spoken down in Mexico way. Still. Yeah. I already have enough where I'm going to get a million emails giving me a good analogy of how little Spain matters versus their language. Yeah, send that to me, and I'll put it in a bit, and everyone will claim credit, and I'll dump the bit, and I'll go, fuck you people.

We get a lot of emails about the website, which I get so many things to think about. You know, Impractical Jokers is back on the air. I can't think about my website working. Wait, wait. When you talk about Impractical Jokers, you mean just being a fan and watching it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I got my stories

to catch up on. Alright. Fucking Ray Donovan's back on the... What's that other one I was watching? I don't know. New episodes of Intervention are on. There's a lot of shit I have to worry about, and whether or not my site is updated with my podcasts and touring schedule,

I get a lot of emails saying, hey, you talk about people offering to do the website for free, always dangerous. Yeah. I'll do it for free. I appreciate everyone saying they want to lend a hand. But really, I think we're going to train Tracy up to do the updates. Because it's really just updating. I don't write updates.

I break and break three updates a year. I stink. Your dates for the tour dates, to be on those, to keep those up to date, and to keep the podcast going up to date, to just post them on there. And I'll get caught up. I was going to get caught up, and then you said, we're going to Pino Saltos. So I wasn't going to kick out of that. Right. So yeah, just follow me on Twitter all the time.

And don't follow anyone else. So you only see my updates. And then I'll tell you what I'm... We got Sweden, I think, is new. This one got added. Sheffield got added. Copenhagen, we've already mentioned. Stockholm and Dublin and Oslo.

Oslo, that's been up. So yeah, we're all over the UK and the Europe. The website is updated with the dates. Fucking Belgium, he teased me with Belgium And I have not seen Belgium come up Hey, fucking Hennigan doesn't ever want me to say this But you know when it just says I'm playing this

Yeah, that's usually Hennigan that tweets that It's just a thing So a lot of times I find out where I'm playing I found out I was playing somewhere At Safeway. Dave, he's a guy that used to hang out around. You'd know him if you saw him.

He'd go to the old Bisbee Copper Kings baseball games, and he was behind me in Safeway and told me, so you're going to Norway. And I'm like, I guess. Sometimes I find this out from Twitter, and other times I find it out from people who are on my Twitter because Brian Hennigan tweeted at me because I piss poor at promoting myself. Hennigan doesn't post any fucking jokes or anything,

but he will put out dates because I fuck up and don't promote. Well, not under yours, but at Mr. Henningen, he posts quite a few things. No, he'll post as fucking me. But he won't post jokes or anything joking at you. No, that's all me. But if it just says the date business-wise. Yes, if it looks all business and nothing, it's probably Henningen. And so sometimes I find out with a fucking basket full of red grapes on sale and disposable meat that I'm playing Norway or wherever.

Oh, well, I guess I'm going there. Thanks, Brian Hennigan. Because, yeah, we need that fucking website, but there's a whole chain of command here, and I'm not part of it. I'm the guy with the drink and the notebook. So thank you for all that. And at some point, yeah, maybe we will say, hey, you want to do this for free? Who goes to a website anymore?

Everyone goes to Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or So many other outlets. Chumster. It's a Henry Phillips thing. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we went to the mountains. Spent two days. Again, ten minutes away from kind of, not a city,

but a place that has a grocery store. Well, there are two Sonics, one on either side of town. I thought that was odd. Yeah, well, any road comic, you just spelled out the town. Any town that has two Sonics and not a lot else? Well, there's probably no dry cleaner, but they've got two Sonics. And plenty of other fast food, too.

The Sonic guy, he's got them coming and going, east and west. That's your game. Oh, did you get the fucking jawbone? I left it there. No! I saw it on the... It was like one of the last things on the table. I just set it up on the thing.

God damn it. It wasn't mine. I know. I gave that to Jen for her birthday. She left it. Anyway, she hated. Javelina Jawbone. You just go out. We're walking the dogs. There's this logger road.

It's like an access road. Yeah, it gets you up to the peak of the mountain. Four-wheel drive access road. Yeah, so there's a ranger coming down. Bingo. Her biggest fears in life are sharks and bears. And I always try to convince her that they can both exist in the same place. Yeah.

In Australia, there's bear sharks. In New Mexico, there's shark bears. And I'm giving her shit. Hey, it's your turn to walk the dogs. You got to go up that fucking logging trail. And there's got to be bears. I don't want to go to those bears. I'm scared of bears.

I didn't hear which way you were going with that conversation. And I was upstairs, and I could hear you guys talking. I go, God damn right, there's bears. You better watch it. You're like, hey, that didn't help in shaling. I'm like, oh, wrong side. Well, I wasn't going to go with her. And then I go, all right, I'll go with her because I can see how terrified she would be alone in broad afternoon.

Well, you never. So this fucking ranger, forest ranger, is coming down a quarter mile into the trail in his four-wheel drive, and I waved because I get the dogs, and he stops and rolls his window down, the passenger side, as he's passing us. And I go, tell me you're not rolling your window down to warn us about bears. And he goes, oh, no, we've been getting lots of complaints about bears. They're going through all the locals' garbage. And then he just, it's like he sits up on that mountain alone all his life.

He started talking to us like he hadn't talked to anyone in 15 years. Oh, you guys are Arizona fans? I'm wearing a Cardinals baseball hat, Arizona Cardinals, which is why I have to have a fucking hat that says Arizona Cardinals football, not baseball, because I fucking hate the St. Louis Cardinals. Fuck you, St. Louis Cardinals. Yeah, I'm for a lesser known team. And Bingo's wearing my sweatshirt, which is a U of A sweatshirt,

which evidently is a college. I've heard tell. Yeah, it was a sweatshirt. I get it at Alco before they close. They're a low-rent fucking Kmart, if you can imagine that. And he just starts, oh, and, you know, they lost to Wisconsin. That's the second time in a row, second oh and you know they lost to wisconsin that's the second time in a row second year in a row they lost to wisconsin but i think they're going to come back strong next year and uh they lost two guys that went to the nba earlier

can we get back to bears but it's very cool because i knew we were going to drive drunk for a quarter of a mile that night and I wanted a friend and that was enough never drive drunk people but Pino Saltos you can get from the Buckhorn to the Bear Creek really quick and even if you're sober you can still fuck up because Greg Chaley

yeah the fucking Suburban, our tour vehicle. Chaley smashed in the fucking bumper. I'm standing in front of the Buckhorn having a beautiful cigarette while my ladies and best

friend Greg Chaley, my tour manager, my mentor, my concubine, sitting in there having a fiesta. I'm smoking alone. And I look down at the fucking bumper of the Suburban, and it's crunched in. And then Chaley comes out to bother me for some reason as I'm still glowering. Is that a word? Glowering is a word.

Yeah. Well, what the fuck? And I wanted to blame Bingo because it's the most fun you have after listening to ukulele. If you like ukulele music, and I do,

you'll never enjoy it more than listening to someone learn ukulele 20 hours a day. So feverish to not be able to play it correctly that they don't even sleep. They just wake up. And she's learned, I think, 140 songs now that she goes, plunk, plunk, plunk. Lizzie, want to hear the new song I learned?

No, no. Listen, want to hear the new song I learned? No. No. So, yeah, Greg Chaley, he ruined. Totaled, basically. I'd say totaled. You were looking down at the front of the car, and I walked out there, and you said, what did that happen? And I looked down, I'm like, oh, fuck. I did that. I did that. Which is the down and I'm like oh fuck. I did that. I did that.

Which is the last thing I expected to hear. And I only say I did that because I remember taking a six point turn in that really tight driveway at the cabins and the girls were looking out back and the side and I got over there and it's like it was a tight turn

in, right? And what I thought was a felled stump, like sitting vertical, was actually a tree cut three feet up off the ground. It was a stump. It was a stump into the ground, though. But, you know, they had those cut pieces all over. Like, you could move it to sit by the fire, right? Well, this one was not. This was...

Well, Chaley keeps saying, oh, I'll fix it. No. No, you're not going to fix it. You're going to never live this down. I told Derek today, I go, I need to find where I can get a 20-year calendar so I can mark the date you ever lived that down, that you fucked up the car. That's not that bad. Chaley never fucks up anything. But it's not the 1970s.

It's not a chrome-plated bumper. It's plastic. Oh, I know. They make them more expensive now on purpose. They probably do. I think I would get some kind of a suction cup to pop that back out. Do you think anyone ever fixed a dent in a Dodge Dart Plymouth

Swinger in 1973? No, it's a ding. Yeah. This is a crunch. No, dude, it's not. It's like it's popped in, it's bumped in and then it's just going to pop back out. Yeah, for a1,000.

I don't know. I don't care. The thing is, I have full coverage on that. I'm not going to bother an insurance company. They don't want to do paperwork. I don't want to do it. Let's not get the authorities involved here. Let me take care of it.

There's no reason to get the insurance involved. That's not a $1,000 job. I know. There's no reason to get the insurance involved. That's not a $1,000 job. I know. That's the bullshit about insurance. I used to have health insurance through SAG-AFTRA. I don't know how to use it. So you're fine. But you pay dues on it, right?

Well, yeah, you still pay dues every time you do fucking TV. I don't want to be part of a union. I think unions stink. I think unions stink more often than they don't stink. When they started, great, and then drunk with power, and yeah, it's a terrible situation.

And that's why you get fucking dudes sitting around in orange reflective vests, all sitting around one pothole on a Sunday, because they can't wait to get the fucking double overtime. Fuck you. The newest guy on the job. But I'm forced to fucking do it. Yeah.

Yeah, it stinks. I'm sure there's some Che Guevara or Chavez or I don't know. Cesar Chavez. One of those guys. He was the grapes guy. Yeah, the grapes guy probably had a point. And then they took it to Jimmy Hoffa levels of fucking corruption. They're all fucking corrupt.

You know what? Make your fucking money. Shut your mouth. That's my political input for this podcast. It's a PSA. Yeah, maybe we should take a break because I noticed both of our drinks are getting low. And you know what? This is a forced podcast because Chaley and Bingo are leaving me.

I'm actually being left alone for fucking two weeks by myself. Bingo is going to go to France for a wedding. I sell. Bingo's gonna go to France for a wedding. Her broke-ass fucking friend is getting married in France because he found a French girlfriend who wants to get married in France. And now all of her broke-ass friends who can't get

fucking Greyhound fare from one town to the next have to all go to fucking France for this stupid fucking wedding. If I've not repeated this often enough, I will never go to another wedding or funeral again not even my own i i will purposely have a open casket funeral and have them you know what can i is this legally binding this podcast if i die throw an open casket fucking wake or funeral or whatever it is, and then don't bring my body.

Okay. This is a verbal contract. All right. In fact, I mean, this is... Make everyone show up and then go, I'm not... Oh, and charge. Charge for it. We can get my brother's company to make a fake...

75 bucks on brown paper tickets, and then watch everyone try to get a refund because my body wasn't there. Because I'm never going to another funeral or another wedding. So everyone's leaving me. So there's not going to be any podcast for two fucking weeks because they're leaving me. I have to abandon my whole book set up and reset it up over here for the fucking pets. I'm going to have to walk my own goddamn dogs for a change. I don't think they even recognize me anymore. So, yeah.

So, yeah. We're going to crank out one or two more podcasts. We'll make it work. And, yeah, meet those out over two weeks of vacation. The best of. When are we going to make a best of? Once we have a good. Maybe I'll just repost like number 10.

It's like you can just go to the website and get number 10. Yeah, in the early days, no one was even fucking listening. Put an old one out as a new one. As a new one? Yeah. Just change the title? I don't listen to these things. Jesus Christ.

All right, we'll be back in a second. So, Greg Chaley, what's going on with these new website merchandise specials? Is it Black Friday? You might as well call it that, because we've got black and oatmeal podcast t-shirts in a special right now with a signed DVD, Deadbeat Hero. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars. Wait, there's more. We're throwing in two stickers, a podcast sticker and a Killer Termite sticker. The $1,000 stickers?

Yes. How much are you giving this away for? Are you kidding me? Price so low you won't even believe it. Every time I go to Pino Salto's to have a nice vacation, Chaley's giving away the store. Hey, Greg Chaley, you know what?

It's weird that we can't get my fucking dates for my podcast up on the website, but somehow you're figuring out how to get merchandise specials. That makes me a little tentative about your whole angle, plus my smashed bumper. I think you're out to get me. So go to the website and check out these sales,

and if you're screwing me, Greg Chaley, I'll get you back! You'll be the last to know! We'll get to Negronis later, sir. Hey, we just come out of a commercial that we just taped for the merchandise, and it made me think of something that I forgot already. Just saying, I forgot. You were looking at your notes.

Yeah, I was looking at my notes, and then you started talking about if we had orange oil for Negroni so we don't have to keep oranges. No, I was talking about drinking, about how much – you were talking about how people used to think you were a whiskey drinker, accused you of being – and you never drank whiskey. And I said, we've changed the way we drink. accuse you of being, and you never drank whiskey. And I said, we've changed the way we drink. We've changed the way we drink because back when you were doing road work and I was playing in the band, I was playing five, sometimes six nights a week, I would drink differently than I drink now,

where I can afford to be a whiskey drinker or a Negroni drinker now, whereas back then it had to be cheap beer. Because I was drinking all night, five, six nights a week. Much the same way you do on the road. I never wanted to take chances until we did that 30-day rehab thing where I'm only drinking two drinks

a night. And then I'll drink something that's repulsive so I don't drink as fast. And now I've changed my drinking. I love gin drinks. I love whiskey drinks. Still not a fan of tequila. But that's all you drink on stage is a shot.

I don't know where that came from, but Patron? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Without asking for Patron. Yeah, for a while. I don't really do shots on stage much anymore. I realized watching, like when I had to go back and watch all my old specials, where I would, it was annoying to watch. Like, all right, I have a drink halfway in my mouth while I'm talking. Like, just drink the fucking drink.

And I'm thinking the same thing. And I do shots. And then later on, I'm just talking so fast. I barely get through two drinks in a show. I get off stage being kind of sober. What the fuck? This is an awkward feeling. I don't want to go talk to people at a merch booth.

We do 45-50 minute sets. Four or five a night. And it's the opposite. You would pound. Chaley, if you don't know, is talking about playing in a cover band. So if you're a comic, don't go, oh, he did

five shows a night? No. Cat skills! No. He cranked out the fucking bass on a cover song of... What's the guy's name with the one song that's stupid? There's a lot of them. I was going for Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi. Bon and Dead or Alive.

We never did that song. All right, well... How dare you, sir? How dare you? How dare you look at me? You smacked my bumper. Oh, look at you. Oh, that one.

You're my professional driver. You're my Ronnie the limo driver. I always wanted to ask fucking Stern if Ronnie the limo driver actually drives him out of that show. him like out of that show this is ronnie the limo driver actually like after the show after he's been a crazy fuck do you have to sit and listen to him recap the show as he drives you home i always wanted to ask during that and hopefully i will one day what i mean without knowing anything about that i would just say from as being a fan for years ronnie drives him home but howard once he gets done on the air there's a couple things he has to do after he's in the building for a little bit yeah but does he have to fucking listen

i've never had a limo driver that raised the fucking the the the plank between driver and passenger they just yell. The biggest stretch fucking limo they send to impress you. The guy will still try to make conversation from a mile away, and then you look like a complete dick if you go. But I think there's an agreement. I mean, I've been a huge fan of Stern forever, and I know he does stuff in the back.

He doesn't drive. He doesn't have a car. You know what? I'm going to save this question for the final episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast where I invite Howard Stern to be my final guest and give him that luxury. And that's the question you're going to ask him? Yeah. If he raises the smoked glass divider between he

and Ronnie. I really think Stern is a guy that wouldn't be able... I think he's like me, where he wouldn't want to be rude. But he'd be wicked rude after the fact when he got into his house or it was me, a bar.

This fucking guy just keeps talking to me. I don't want to be an asshole. But Ronnie's his driver for, I mean, back in K-Rock days. I know. That's why he probably has, like if he gets them all wound up, because those guys are legitimately

wound up on that show. When you like they have to like find people that they know will get really upset like there's no way you could ever get me upset on that show like there's nothing you could say to me where i'm going to be ranting and raving but those guys are are it's a weird thing about New York comics they do tend to get

fucking really like I have opinions I'm strongly opinionated but I don't really give a fuck because it doesn't affect my life social issues fucking politics anything I'll yell about it,

but I don't go home upset about it. Still pissed. Yeah, and those guys get so fucking mad. So Sal takes it home? But specifically Ronnie? Yeah, yeah. Are we doing the wrap-up show for a fucking Stern episode right here?

Well, that's funny you said that. Our first guest today, John Hine, he's going to finish his Big Mac. But if Ronnie comes in the fucking and just starts snapping, I didn't fucking say that, you fucking, you suck my dick, and then immediately he's driving Stern home

and not bringing it up, is the window up during that? I see what you're saying. It's like, hey, boss, I just want to explain. Like, earlier when I was, like, spitting nails mad. Yeah, if he's that much of a nincompoop, how's that for a word? But, you know, Stern's loyal. I mean, and he likes loyalty.

If he's that easily wound up, how can you know that he would dial it down off the air? Yeah. How do you have someone that is that easily touched that can shut it off on a drive home? And then just be a fucking silent cabbie.

I don't know. Fear. They're all afraid of him Yeah it's weird I'm afraid of him But There's a paragraph in the book That might stay there I don't know

I sent my rough draft The roughest fucking draft It's a Wikipedia page It's the first pass I just need notes I sent my rough draft, the roughest fucking draft. It's a Wikipedia page. It's the first pass, basically. Yeah. I just need notes. I need like, all right, I'm finger fucking this thing at 86,000 words, so much.

And I don't know how it starts and how it ends. You made a good point in a podcast that we recorded earlier that didn't end up going out, where you said, why am I dotting the I's and crossing the T's? I should just send this fucker to him and see what they overall, like the overall big picture is. You were worried about the way certain things were worded and then you were really drilling down

whereas you felt it was like, I should just send him this and see what their overall notes are. And that was a good point. and that's what you did, and that's why we took off. And he said, well, I'm going on vacation, so I'll be able to read it. It'll be two to three weeks.

My deadline is September 2nd, and today we get a text saying in 20 years of publishing, you're only the second guy that's ever delivered material early early yeah i'm like well i assume september 2nd means like polished spit polished like ready to go to the printer and like i we start in europe i'll have to leave the last week of September to get over there. So you can't really extend my deadline as much as I'd love that to happen. I need to fucking know. I need to be done with this.

I need to know, like, all right, what do you think? There's going to be some fucking around time after September 2nd, too, before you go on tour not necessarily really yeah i'm not gonna it's a book but i mean you it's not a fucking set in uh moline where i can just phone some shit in because we're doing coke in the back room with fucking erickson it's fucking you know whatever yeah whatever. Yeah. All right. Sometimes the show sucks. That's how my work ethic is your work ethic, assholes.

You don't fucking give 100% every day. I don't either. I think you misunderstood me. But I pick my shots. My point is a book, that lasts forever. I know, but what you said earlier, maybe I'm just repeating what you said when you don't need to hear it, is you said that after you turn that book in, you might just disappear for two weeks. You might just go off the grid. I know, but you can't say, oh, it's two to three weeks before I can get notes back to you.

Oh, I know. And we'll extend the deadline. Yeah. Because I need the fucking notes because I don't write books, assholes. So you really, there's nothing you can do right now until you get those notes. No, I'm going to keep writing and just fuck them. I've learned enough. This is stuff in the book where I'm going, I've learned these lessons.

I learned this lesson with my first Comedy Central special where they told me I couldn't say this and this and this. And you're filming they would do six comics over three nights. Two comics a night. And I'd watch all of them. And they're, Louis C.K.

These are Comedy Central specials? My first one. My half hour special. And Louis C.K. was doing one that weekend. And he's just, fuck this. They had sat me down and told me everything in my act. You know what? We have a few notes. Nothing really.

And they proceeded to tell me that everything in my fucking act I couldn't do. And Louis goes up and he starts doing anything. everything they told me i couldn't do louie's doing and i go how do you do that i didn't know yeah i just followed i went i went by the book i'm a polite young man and i instead of a fucking transvestite blew me. She did a walka walka hand motion of a head. It just sucked. It was fucking awful.

And then you just go, oh yeah, they always tell you that. Louie says, they always tell you that. You just do it. They already spent so much money, they're not gonna fucking, they'll just bleep it out. Is there one thing that you've ever put out, whether it's a DVD or audio or anything, that you wish you could just pull off the market?

Yeah, the one I don't... The Great White Stanhope. Why? Because it was fucking terrible. Really? It was before I really found a voice. I was saying things that I thought would get a laugh. A lot of it.

I mean, there was some – it was right when I was making that transition to saying what I meant. I did a one-man show was the big thing to do in LA for a while. So I booked myself to do a one-man show having no idea what it was going to be about at the hbo workspace in la and i i actually have i i found uh reference sources victor letters it's a long story uh where i say like three days out i didn't have it written. You booked it, and you pitched the idea and everything, and you had no idea what you were going to do up until three days? I knew I was going to do road stories. Yeah. Which you had on the website back then.

You had road stories. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But not necessarily those, but I had a series of road stories. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But not necessarily those. But I had a series of road stories. Most L.A. comics probably now and definitely then were never road guys. They were not trenches guys. Oh, I played the Riviera in Vegas.

Well, that's not the road. These are fucking weird stories from the road. And it sucked, but that's where I wrote out the transvestite hooker story. Probably just a lot of stories that we had,

but I wrote them out to make them... And it sucked, because that was the first time. It was basically open mic of honesty yeah so that's good i like that yeah just here's like some real shit and it sucked but there was 40 people there to see it there's still tape of it and i'll kill anyone who has one and then uh yeah, then I was just hooked on telling, you know, everything's true. There's no more, you know, placating to Bozeman, Montana. But this was after learning the lesson with Comedy Central and after doing the...

No, no, no. It was before. It was before it. Yeah. But Comedy Central was a whole... that was a whole issue with censorship. And it wasn't just words. Again, this is 15 years ago where it wasn't just fuck and cunt and stuff you couldn't say. It was, well, you can't mention sponsors because –

For obvious reasons, yeah. You can't say Hertz rent a car Because what if they're a sponsor And you can't Say anything About drugs that's not negative If you're going to do a bit about doing drugs It has to be negative about doing drugs

You can't have a positive drug story And you can't Suicide That bit that I had about suicide And cowards You can't have a positive drug story and you can't suicide. That bit that I had about suicide and cowards. No, no. If someone kills themself, we could be liable. So is every fucking. That was the way.

Yeah. And you know what? I can't blame them because they're a fucking corporation. They have to deal with this shit. All these comics saying, oh, well, we can't be censored. Well, you're fucking working for someone. All this censorship, you know, this is already kind of in my act. So I'm going to fucking demure and just save it for the UK. And then when I get back here eventually.

and just save it for the UK, and then when I get back here eventually. But you're working for someone else. When I'm at the fucking gig, it's me. If I'm working for Viacom, well, I have a boss. So you know what? Suck it up because you have a boss again. So that's that. I'm going to take a break right now because I have to take a piss. What are you drinking, by the way? It's a Slipshod Manhattan.

I'm going to be honest. I know what you're drinking. I just want to see if you're going to be honest. You had part of a Negroni, and I asked you if you wanted another one, and you said, no, I'm looking at my notes, and I watched you pour that Canadian Club into half of a Negroni. No, this has been a Manhattan the whole time. Oh, you didn't have a Negroni? Yeah, no, it's sweet vermouth and Canadian Club.

I thought that was the fucking oddest drink. I can't believe you drank that whole thing without going and fucking pausing this and getting an orange rind. You can't drink a Negroni like that. I'm going to go get a Negroni. I'll be right back after this. TheShadyDell.com. That is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long.

We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at the Shady Dell dot com vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to the Shadydell.com sponsored by I might even come in and clean your toilet I don't know

where were we comedy central now I have orange rinds for the Negroni. So good. I went out to the... It's not a yuppie bar.

It's old people. It's the High Dollar Restaurant. I went to the bar. It's the fine dining in Bisbee. Yeah, we'll get into that on the next podcast. Chad Shank will be coming back live for the next podcast. And I hope, we hope, you never know. podcast. Chad Shank will be coming back live for the next podcast. And I hope, we hope,

you never know. He has turns. He has twists. Let's get back to Comedy Central. Those are the old days. I have done nothing with them since. And it was a whole new fucking game after that. After I moved here, all of a sudden

television, you can say whatever you want after a certain hour. But you say you learned something from that. You learned something from doing that Comedy Central special. Well, yeah. Too late. But you learned it and from then on

did you apply that? No, I never actually learned it. I can never learn to be impolite in person. I can do it on stage, and that's probably why I do it. But yeah, the man show. No, I always capitulated to their concerns and needs, even though I'd scream and fucking – fucking literally I laid on my back when I found out there, what, uh,

bits or, or what, uh, shows they chose to open the new man show with. I laid on my back, literally kicking and screaming like a child, begging him to not use that episode. Cause it was so benign and awful. Like just throw awful are like, good awful up front.

Like, to show it's completely different. And I literally threw a child tantrum on the fucking floor. And you know what I got out of that? I stole their fucking clock. And it's on my wall of stolen clocks. And that's all I got. But yeah, with the book, I'm going to keep fucking working on the book.

And if it takes you fucking three weeks to catch up, I have to make it funny. I wrote it chronologically and now I'm going to just try to make it funny. I'm going to do the drinking version. Like I did my website updates when I used to update when that mattered. I'd write it first to make sure it was structurally sound.

This is pre-blog. This was back when you would write something, send it to me, and then I would paste it up in old HTML. Yeah. But it was before blogging or anything like that. I don't know what blog is. If I could have put shit up, I would have put up so much stuff. Drunk. If I could have done it myself without having you as a filter.

I don't know how to get this on my website. Clink, clink. I wrote a fucking perfectly horrible thing to say about someone suffering. No, it goes now! The last thing you need, yeah. So, yeah.

So, what were we talking about? Comedy Central. Yeah. Talking about learning your lesson. Yeah, I'm gonna keep working on the fucking book. Yeah. Talking about learning your lesson. Yeah, I'm going to keep working on the fucking book always because

once I get out of it, my memory is so spark. I have no idea. We went two days. We were up in the mountains in New Mexico. I come back. I don't even know what house I live in. It's fucking terrible. So, yeah, I'm going to keep in it and dig in it and

try to find funnier words and references and stuff. We got a couple more days. We'll get you back situated. You know what? Reading, honestly, reading even shit I'm not interested in makes me write better.

Same way watching comedy makes me think about, oh, fuck, all right, I'm so bored with comedy or dead into it or don't remember it, but I watch comedy, all of a sudden,

I want to fucking go back and start writing. Last Comic Standing just started. And as much as it's a fluff piece, I fucking love it. i miss comics always and i know that they have to dumb their sets down like i watch it like a comic that knows junior did it i can't wait to see i would just want to see a snippet of junior i know junior didn't make it what can you say that yeah i can fucking say that he's a friend of mine Junior didn't make it. What? Can you say that? Yeah, I can fucking say that.

He's a friend of mine. I didn't sign the non-disclosure. Yeah, he didn't make it. At best, he gets like one clip in. You sit there. I watched the first episode and you watch the green room. It just started, right? So you saw the first one? The first episode.

Okay. And you see the green room of all these people, sometimes different people, some people that were never on stage. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, maybe he's one of those guys that's – maybe he's not even in the green room. You know Junior. I just want to see Junior. I want to pause on Junior and sit and smile because I fucking love Junior.

And the judges, I love fucking Norm MacDonald more than anything. I would do that show just to meet Norm MacDonald, who I've actually already met now that I think of it, but just to meet him again. I love Norm MacDonald. And fucking Roseanne, obviously. We, yeah,

we're in love. And Kenan Ivory Wayans, who says just everything. They all say everything nice. Do you think it's all prompting from the producers? Because everyone's got one of those little IFBs in their ear, the little hearing aid, the little thing that looks. Norm MacDonald doesn't take fucking direction from anyone, sir. You don't think someone's whispering in his ear? No, he actually...

It's blue. His is blue. He has a blue IFB in his ear. I'll put it in my ear. Yeah, but I want it blue. I want it blue. It's so terrible. But there's good comics.

But the fucking judge is like, that was the best I've ever seen. What? You remind me of Richard Pryor. No. Stop. Stop. Part of our trip when we're leaving you to fend for yourself here for two weeks, Tracy and I are going to visit my brother.

But really, she's dying to see comedy. Like to go out and to – Really? Yeah. We were going to go see Bill Burr. But it just – Wait. She lives with me basically and she can't wait to go see another comedy?

She can't wait to hear someone funny. I don't know what it is. She's been jonesing for it. No, she used to – I mean it's that and bands because she worked at Coots. Chill Coot Charlie is up in Alaska for 15 years. And when I brought comedy up there again, I mean, we were doing it on a regular basis. She just got very used to that, and I forgot that that was something that she pulled out of. So when we visit the Brechels, we've got three nights of going out and just doing like you said, hanging out.

we've got three nights of going out and just doing like you said, hanging out. Usually when we're down at the comedy store or something like that, we run into people we know just from the circles that we've been running in and then coming up to Anchorage as well. So I'm looking forward to it and I know what you mean. You get back in there and it's intoxicating.

Because you're just hanging out and everyone's just fucking drinking and busting shit. I'm kind of looking forward to Europe only because we're going in the winter. Wait, wait. Did you say Europe? Now, are you talking about the band Europe? You're going to go watch them?

Or are you talking about the country? The fucking UK tour and the European tour. The European tour. Yeah. I almost said the country Europe. Yeah, it's the fucking end of this act. This has not come out on – yeah, I'm bringing this act there, which I have to relearn every fucking time.

But you kind of revamped a bunch of stuff and, well, it progressed. It always gets revamped. Yes, but it progressed and that was what was 10 nights or 10 shows in Canada, and then you're taking that same chunk over to Europe, or is there other stuff? Yeah, I haven't done that over there, and until it gets on a fucking CD, Netflix, stop cock-teasing me. Well, yeah, we'd like to do that, but hang on. We'll get back to you.

Yeah. So, yeah, and if it doesn't, I'll write fucking Hallmark cards for a living. hang on we'll get back to you yeah so yeah and if it doesn't I'll write fucking Hallmark cards for a living I don't care I'm retired for God's sakes so after you're done like right now Dublin is the last date

right that's Ireland by the way not one of these funky North American yeah we might even do Iceland I keep getting cock-teased by... So what's the plan after October in the UK?

Usually you take off in November. Hey, you random people that know me in all these weird places I'm going, thank you for retweeting and refacebooking or whatever you fucking do, because that's our advertising budget, is you. So thanks for being vocal.

It's worked out so far. Thanks for being here with Chaley and I for a post vacation cocktail podcast. Pretty uneventful, but I had fun. I'm all happy. But I asked you a question and you just.

I didn't even listen to you. But what are you going to, what's your plan after? I don't have a plan. After UK. I don't have a plan. That's something that's happening. I have to promote. The book will be done.

I hope so. The UK tour is done. You need to get that on hopefully a DVD somehow, right? Yeah, that's going to be after the book is done. I'm focused on the book. We're going to do these dates. I know my act. I mean, I will after I listen to it again.

And then rewrite it. And then do it differently. Take all the A's out? Either way. Yeah. Good work, sir. Yeah, I don't know. I'm too old to look at my future.

That's all right. I'll do some shit. I went out tonight and I had some cocktails in town because I was motivated. We'll talk about that on the next podcast. That's a good talk. That was weird when you said that. And the reason you gave for like going out just spontaneously to go have drinks in front of people that you don't know, which is odd for you. Yeah, I felt the same thing driving back from the mountains.

It's fucking weird. Everyone, I sat at the bar and almost everyone knew me even though they wouldn't talk to me and I'm like, do people really know who I am in this fucking town? Like some old dude named Steve Foss The Explorer?

I think he said Foss Anyway The Cafe Roca has these great roasted red peppers filled with melted goat cheese. And that's all I wanted. I just wanted to go out in the town and not be a fucking shut-in like I generally am, writing my book in my bunker behind your metal gates talking about how great this town is that I never go out and actually indulge in and this

fucking old dude sitting next to me at the bar and I said hey I got my because I know I'm only going to eat one or two and there's four appetizers and I go hey would you like one of these and he goes well I just ate but I think I had is this the thing I go no this is the red

pepper with goat cheese you really if you haven't tried it try it and he goes I really love that bit you did like a 75 year old fucking dude he goes I love that bit you did about Jake LaMotta cause I was at that same performance and I go really

everyone thought I exaggerated that bit, but no, it was under-exaggerated, if anything. And, yeah, so, yeah. And then the people across the bar are like, yeah, we drank at the thing, and I'm like, yeah.

I don't really remember, but... You're trying to split an app with the guy next to you, and he's like, big fan, big fan. Yes, 75-year-old dude. Could you sign this really quick? Maybe I'm getting to that age where 75-year-old dudes are my fan base. I don't know. Apparently it is.

But it was very nice. I was really motivated. We'll talk about that on the next podcast, why. And thank you guys very much for listening. Spain, you know what? You're insignificant, but everyone speaks your language and acts like they have their own heritage.

Fuck them. Just live up. You're like me. You have a big head, but you can find small hooks on which to hang your hat. Got no place to go, but there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico. She got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin, and if I bring a little music, I could fit right in. We got airplane rides, we got California drowning out the window side We got big black cars

And we got stories how we slept with all the movie stars I may take a holiday in Spain Leave my wings behind me Drink my worries down the drain in Spain leave my wings behind me drink my worries down the drain and fly away somewhere new hop on my choo-choo

I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit If you dress me up in pink and white We may be just a little fuzzy about it later tonight But she's my angel She's a little better than the one that used to be with me Cause she liked to scream at me And it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree

I'm ready to take a holiday in Spain Leave my wings behind me Drive this little girl insane And fly away to someone new Everybody's gone They left the television Screaming that the radio's on Someone stole my shoes

But there's a couple of bananas And a bottle of booze Oh Well, Happy New Year's, baby We could probably fix it If we clean it up all day Or we could Simply pack our bags And catch a plane to Barcelona.

Cause this city's a drag. I mean. Take a holiday in Spain. Meet my wings behind me. Flush my worries down the drain. Bye. Fly away. Thank you.