The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #89: Everybody Is Leaving Me

Episode Date: July 28, 2015

A quick podcast before Doug is alone and slips into a deep depression.Recorded July 25, 2015  at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -Guam - http://bit.ly/1MwoidLClosing Song, "Connected", by Stereo MC's. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, it's the... Hey, it's the Doug Stanhope podcast with Greg Chaley talking about his stories, which he never talks about. Greg doesn't want to talk about his fucking life, which is... I think you're like the Fred Norris of the Doug Stanhope podcast, where you probably have better stories than anyone. But yeah, you fucking played in a cover band in Guam. Guam.

We got hired out of Hawaii, which is the only reason I even tried to even pretend to be a musician, was because I wanted to travel. And that happened almost immediately. That's why most people join the fucking military. I'm going to get traveled. Yeah, you're going to see Sbarro Pizza and Burger King. Figures out.

Turns out we both went to the same places. I had to have long hair. And I think I had a little bit more fun. We ended up in the same bars. I'll tell you that. Yeah, you weren't hanging out with the Guanymese. Guanymians? Chamorros.

Chamorros? Yeah. That's like Tico's of Costa Rica. There's Chamorros, and I think it was Guamanians was another. But Chamorros were the locals in Guam. Did they come to your shows? Oh, yeah. Were you playing on bass? Who do you think fought the military? But Chamorros were the locals in Guam. Did they come to your shows? Oh, yeah.

Were you playing on bass? Who do you think fought the military? The bar we played at was called The Jungle. And it was, if you can think of an A-frame-like structure, and the roof basically went almost to the ground on both sides and open on the other two sides. And it was just palm trees and chain link fence. It's fucking crazy.

It was open. And across the street was a strip club. It was fucking band guy heaven. Guam, by the way, is every time I try to book crazy flights, because my mileage grabs, I try to find

a new one to go to and Guam's always way too expensive, but I want to go to Guam. Dude, let's go. When you just said this, before we hit record, we started talking about Guam and I go, fuck it, we're going right now. I was going to, and I

realized you're leaving. But yeah, we should definitely go to Guam together. Fucking love it, man. That's where I learned how to dive. I did – I got into – we did a gig. This guy George booked us because he would go to Hawaii where we were playing at the Wave in Waikiki. And that's where Alaska booked us, Chilkoot Charlie's. They were smart they figured out hey you know what why don't we just

hire the guys that go to Hawaii because they already have passports but they're already willing to travel because a lot of times when bands are available to be booked elsewhere once you tell them they gotta get on a plane they fucking

fold the bass player goes look man, man, my old lady. There'll be something, right? So I always said, look, you want to be in this band? You need a passport. And if I hand you a dress, you put it on. That's fucking it, man. That's all I wanted. Fuck, I was a bass player.

I'm not a musician. So that's all I wanted to do was travel. And the drummer that was booking the band when he quit, all of a sudden I found out Alaska wanted us. And we never even heard about that. I'm like, fuck, we're going. We're going. And then we kept going to Hawaii.

And then the guy from Guam saw us in Hawaii. I need a passport to go to Alaska? This is bullshit. Oh, I've had a drummer ask that. So we got to Guam, man. It was fucking great. But you had to be there for three months. And we booked another three months before we left on the first three months.

Because I got in with a dive instructor. I just said, hey, let's all start diving. There's a dive spot in the harbor, Apra Harbor, where a World War I ship was scuttled and there's a Japanese ship from World War II touching it. And you can go down

and your first part is the deepest and you go down to the German sub and you come up to the Japanese sub. It's fucking amazing. And we would do stuff like that and then we'd go play music. I remember the days where I used to

do stuff before a show. Now I just lay there with dread. Lay in my hotel. Let's watch an Owen Wilson movie. It's dumb. She's going to dumb myself.

But yeah, I used to do fun shit. But yeah, we should not do a gig. The gig is always the problem. Let's go to fucking Guam. Guam had a typhoon come through while we were there. We were playing. We were on the dime of Marlboro and Miller, Miller Beer.

They sponsored us to come out there. So whenever there was anything going on, we had to fucking do it. So we had to play two dates. But that's the two things I'm going to die from. Miller Lite and Marlboro Lite. I didn't complain about it. That's just one of the things.

We were sponsored to be out there, so we had to do some extra gigs. We had to play like – hey, guys, you're going to have to play a pre-show at the Jungle. You're going to have to do a gig at a beach, like a west-facing beach on a tropical island and play to probably no one but this free beer. Free beer is how I started in this business. We do it all the time. Was there a downside to this? Jesus. And then we had to play in a fucking parade

in front of generals and stuff. It was ridiculous. But we're playing like come on Eileen in front of like a four-star general during the liberation day for the Guamanians who got more pussy you not the four star general

yeah definitely it is pretty funny when you're drunk playing on a semi and you're looking up and there's like all these brass and they're like looking at you and you're like they have no idea what's in front of them right now. I got my

second invite to speak at Oxford. What? Yeah. Twice I've got invited. At the college or a fraternity? No. The fucking college. I turn it down every time. Holding out for more money? No. There's no money.

Waiting for the book to drop. There's no story anymore other than, yeah, they turned on you. Fuck that. What do I have to say to them that they're going to get? Fuck them. It's nice to turn that down it's like uh a million comics at my age talk about is turning down really hot pussy it's a great feeling well yeah not interested we don't get a lot of sponsorship offers but we've turned down more than we've actually done

well it's just it's just it money. Hey, whatever happened to those fucking bed sheets? I want those goddamn bed sheets. That's all coming. That's in the works. That's happening. Alright, I want those. So Guam is a great place to go and I have no idea what it's like now. That was many years ago. People email

me a lot saying, hey, come to Thailand and Vietnam and do email me a lot saying, hey, come to Thailand and Vietnam and do these things. Hey, first of all, you don't have a gig. You're not a booker. Yeah. I turned down

a gig in Singapore because the guy kept increasing the money. It was all on these... It was before emails. I know where you're going. increasing the money. Like, like he would, it was all on like these, like it was before emails. I know where you're going. And he kept increasing the money because I would say no,

because it was like, I'm just not comfortable booking this. And then it was a place called Fire Club or something. And then I heard from another musician who was in overlapping, a guy from the States who came to Hawaii a week early.

And he was going to play at the Wave. And he goes, no, no, I know that guy. And I go, oh, he's a good guy. He goes, fuck, are you kidding me? You realize when you get there, they take your passports. And it's not like, hey, do you mind if we take? They take your passports. And they don't let you leave until they want you to leave.

I'm like, what are you talking about? And then the guy kept coming back with more money. He goes, no, you know what? We've decided we really want your band here. We're going to pay you this much money. And I'm like, this is obscene. There's no reason except for you're going to fucking do something. You're going to take our passports or you're going to make us work there or whatever.

You have no... The Stockholm gig. The 25th of October. 25th of October of 2015. Yeah, I almost made Brian double the ticket prices because the guy that booked us there

I think one of the three times i've ever been fucked over in comedy was the last time i played stockholm and it wasn't a swedish guy it was a fucking welsh booker and i wish i remembered his name and uh if brian hennigan listened to this podcast he'd remind me that guy fucked us over they were telling us when we got there why did you book it through this guy this guy he fucking never paid us so I was going to double the prices

for Stockholm to pay because we can't find that guy yeah I'd fly Chad Shank around the world just to Ronnie the limo driver you're backstage. So yeah.

Hey Stockholm. It's the first time I'll get paid there. And I'm getting paid up front. I hope. That guy. Some fucking Welsh cocksucker. It's never the money when someone fucks you. It's like, you motherfucker.

It's like, I get it. I work for free tonight because I did this before. We were booking in Washington, heading up to Anchorage, and we had two weeks. We did the 21 Club in SeaTac. I know. At the airport? in SeaTac. I know. At the airport? Just outside the airport. There's a place called the 21 Club just off Highway 99.

And we played there a whole week. And it was pretty bad. And they wanted us to move some of our equipment so they could continue playing darts. so they could continue playing darts. I remember a gig in Portland during the Rose Festival and they were playing the Bulls in the fucking finals and they kept the fucking TV on. It was the Trailblazers against the Bulls. You can't...

This comedy is way harder than... Tough crowd. Because their head's on a swivel. And they shut it off and everyone's booing before the fucking... No comedy. We got comedy. No boo. So they put it back on and then we had to wait until the game was over.

Okay, after the week in SeaTac tack then we went up north to uh everett and uh we played played one night and to no one and it was really weird because the bar had like a copper dance floor or it was a metal dance floor it's fucking weird right and then after that first night we got we broke early because like fucking no one was in the bar. And then we went right up the street to a place called Jimmy Z's. Do you think Van Halen was fucking playing, right? And it was fucking, what the fuck is going on, right? So then we go back the next night to play.

And then we get through like two sets. We're going to play five sets. We get through two sets. And we're like, there's people in town. What the fuck is going on, well no one this is sure is this and this is like 91 92 maybe all right and we're just 93 it was 93 and we're thinking just that a lot of listeners were children yeah or dead or not even people in 93. In 93 there was a very fucking, very happening cover scene

where you could... Live entertainment was huge. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a fucking DJ. Yeah, you DJ pussies out there who think you're musicians, get a fucking, get a guitar, get a ukulele and join the fucking musician crew. So this, we would go, we went to the second night, and we played the whole night.

And the guy's like, yeah, you guys, you can come back, you get your gear in the morning, but we're going to exercise the option to just pass on you for the week. It's like, wait, it's Thursday. Pass on the week? We've got hotels and everything and what do you mean come back tomorrow if we're fucking fired we're taking our fucking gear right now we're not coming here in the morning just saying like the guy just left with your gear right like the cook

right so yeah we fucking packed up and i'll always remember that it's like you fucking walk in there and it was a fucking it was our agent who fucking booked us to gig. I fucking blame him because when I called him and I said, what the fuck? There's a clause? He goes, well, no, not really. I go, then tell this motherfucker to pass. He goes, well, you know what would happen?

He'd probably take, and he explained this whole thing of small claims court and all this bullshit. And it's like, you know what? You look out for you. These fucking agents who are like, they make money on you. The minute the rubber hits the road, they're fucking gone. They don't fucking care.

But I wasn't mad so much at the club as I was mad at the guy that was representing us. It's like, you motherfucker. Nothing? Sue him! Sue him! Make him pay someone to go there. I wish I could stress how much my relationship with Hennigan should be the template

for... No, I have one guy that works for me. You go to LA, every fucking agent signs up a million people, and you do all the work, and you get recognized, and they go, I discovered him. Fucking Kenan Ivory Wayans on the fucking last comic stand. Well, I discovered Jim Carrey.

No, you didn't. Those people were talented and you put them on your show because they were talented and could help your show. You didn't discover them. You fucking capitalized on their talent, you fucking cunt.

And so all these agents, so the relationship I have with Brian Hennigan, you work for me. You don't work for anyone else. You get a bigger percentage, and that's how it should be. If you believe in me, and if I suck, dump me. If I'm not making you money. All in.

But don't act like, oh, I discovered all these talents. You know what? Hennigan works solely for me. If I don't make money oh i discovered all these talents you know what hennigan works solely for me if i don't make money he doesn't make money so that's a true believer and if you want a fucking real agent or a manager or whatever you want to call them because they all did the same fucking thing is make money off you yeah go hey you want to go solely exclusive? Then we get a deal. So far hasn't kicked off because all you fucking assholes. Are we done? What are we at? Yeah, this is a podcast without breaks because we're on break. This is a bonus podcast because while you're listening to this, Chaley and Mrs. Chaley and Mrs. Bingo are all out of town.

And while you're listening to me having last minute fun, I'm crying in real life in real time. I'm crying in real life, in real time. I'm scared. That's a break. So, Greg Chaley, what's going on with these new website merchandise specials? Is it Black Friday? You might as well call it that, because we've got

black and oatmeal podcast t-shirts in a special right now with a signed DVD, Deadbeat Hero. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars. Wait, there's more. We're throwing in two stickers, a podcast sticker and a Killer Termite sticker. The $1,000 stickers? Yes. How much are you giving this away for?

Are you kidding me? Price so low you won't even believe it. Every time I go to Pino Salto's to have a nice vacation, Chaley's giving away the store. Hey, Greg Chaley, you know what? It's weird that we can't get my fucking dates or my podcast up on the website, but somehow you're figuring out how to get merchandise specials. That makes me a little tentative about your whole angle plus my smashed bumper.

I think you're out to get me. So go to the website and check out these sales. And if you're screwing me, Greg Chaley, I'll get you back. You'll be the last to know. All right, this is the Doug Stano Podcast. All right, this is the Doug Stano Podcast, and this is a minicast because we're cranking in all we can fit in while my friend Greg Chaley leaves me with my wife. Huh? I'm not leaving with your wife.

My wife is leaving, and you're leaving with your wife. Opposite ends of the world. Yeah, I know. I'm gonna be fucked What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go crazy You're gonna move back over to the main compound Start cutting Hey play the ukulele

I'm gonna have to move over here I'm gonna have to fucking look at my dogs Please walk me No you get put to sleep. You're fucking almost 10. Dogs and cats that are rescues. They're not rescues. They barged in and they get put to sleep.

What did Tracy say last night? There's no dog 10-year birthdays. No 10th birthday. No 10th birthday. No 10th birthday for a dog. Nope. You're fucking children of the corn. You get to live till 10, then you get put to sleep. Because I didn't ask for any of you, except for that one.

And she'll outlive Trousers will outlive all the other pets. We have a death pool on Ichabod, Henry Phillips, Trousers, and Meatwig. Wait, is there any... Can you put them on the death pool? No, personal death pool. Oh, personal death pool.

Yeah. Meatwig... You got Meatwig first. Then Ichabod. And then Henry Phillips. And then Trous trousers will be like Georgia, mother's last cat that lived till fucking 19

I agree with that but I think Henry Henry is the one that will escape so I think Henry before Meatwig, but I think it will be Henry, Meatwig Ichabod and when Ichabod goes, I've already laid claim to the fur, because I think it would make a good coat.

Can we eBay pets? Because I've had them. They don't even like me. My fucking pets don't like me. Well, a couple of them do. Well, to be fair. Can we eBay them? Can we sell my pets?

They don't really know you. Henry lives with us now. I know. We've talked about the fact that my own fucking rescue dog doesn't like me. Rescue. Yeah, you showed up as a skinny puppy that got chucked out as a runt of the litter. And, oh, you can't dogfight. You're not that much of a pit bull.

So now some squiggly puppy shows up, and now it's a dick to me fuck you henry phillips you can't dog fight what good are you to me is that is that your qualifications i assume okay fucking one house down the street i swear god they dog fight those fucking they have a different pit bull every year you can't set their house on fire on a suspicion. I've learned that through the law as a legal studies person. All right. That's a mini cast of sorts, but I'll be back strong, Strong? Strong? Strong? We'll podcast again from live.

Chaley and I from Guam. Tumon Bay. Tumon Bay in Guam. I'm going to learn how to play maracas or perhaps a slapdash thing tambourine I'm going to work on tambourine either way it's going to annoy bingo to death

that would be so funny if you started learning songs to play tambourine to and then you only rehearse them with headphones on so all she could hear was you horribly playing the tambourine. No, no. I will go in with whatever song she's learning, just like she is, right this second.

And go, I'm going to do, I'll maraca this. And then I just do it. Yeah. Really earnestly. Yeah, yeah. With hope in my eyes. So she can't say. You're part of the band. my eyes so she can't say you're part of the band

so she can't say oh you really suck at this that I suck at she couldn't even go like quit fucking around she was like oh my god look at his eyes he's totally into this I start crying alright that's a podcast I gotta go hey you know what

you guys stink every now and then, too. Fuck off. Do we have a closing song? Hey, how about Bon Jovi? No. Absolutely not. Do you have anything that you ever played cover that you could play? What?

A cover song that you... Do you have a... You don't understand that cover bands play popular music. I know, but do you have one of your songs that you covered that you can play your song to close this out? I don't understand what you're saying. What? I don't understand what you're saying.

Do you have any copy of a cover version? Of us playing it? Yeah. Not here. Not here. You know what? I'm going to look for that song called The Men, from the band called The Men that I found out in Guam. You talked about this off the air, by the way.

But yeah, The Men. And if I don't find that, then it'll be Get Connected. Make sure you're connected. Writing's on the wall. Writing sure you're connected. That one? Writing's on the wall.

Writing's on the wall. Yeah. Yeah, that one's coming up right now. Click. You know how much CDs were in Guam? $22. For a fucking CD. Wow, that's in the 90s?

Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Let's play Guam. Bye. I ain't gonna go blind I see through you I see through you I see through you I see through you You're dirty tricks

You make me sick I see through you I see through you See through you Gonna do it again Gonna do it again Gonna do it again Gonna do it again Gonna do it again

Sunning it right Gonna do it again Gonna do it right Come on If you make sure you're connected the writing's on the wall but if you're much neglected

stumble you might fall stumble you might fall stumble you might fall I ain't gonna go blind See through you See through you See through you

See through you I'm gonna get myself, I'm gonna get myself I'm gonna get myself, I'm gonna get myself I'm gonna get myself connected I ain't gonna go blind For the light that is reflected Hear me out Can you hear me out, can you hear me out Hear me out

Do it again, do it again, do it again Do it again Do it again Do it again I wanna do it again I wanna do it again I wanna do it again You're terrified

I wanna do it again Ain't gonna go blind Ain't gonna go blind I wanna do it again Here we go If you make sure you're connected The writing's on the wall But if your mind's neglected

Stumble, you might fall Stumble, you might fall Hear me out Stumble, you might fall Yeah Interstate 5 Stay in the line my father In a state of fire Staying alive Will someone try

Open up your eyes You must be blind If you can't see The gaping hole Called reality Wanna do it again I'm reality I wanna do it again I'm gonna, gonna do it again I wanna do it again

Come on, I'm gonna do it again Hear me out Terrified Something ain't right Here we go If you make sure you're connected The writing's on the wall. But if your mind's neglected, stumble, you might fall.

Stumble, you might fall. Stumble, you might fall. If you make sure you're connected The rod is on the wall But if you're not neglected It's number you're up for It's number you're up for It's number you're up for If you make sure you're connected

The rod is on the wall But if you're connected, the ride is on the wall But if you're not neglected, it's nobody you're up for It's nobody you're up for It's nobody you're up for If you make sure you're connected, the ride is on the wall But if you're not neglected, it's nobody you're connected, the rod is on the wall. But if your mind's neglected, it's over, you're my fault. It's over, you're my fault. Thank you.