The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #90: Everybody is Back

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

Everybody is back in Bisbee.Recorded Aug. 14, 2015  at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Listen to��The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder on Comedy Central Radio live every Monday and Wednesday at 6pm (EST) on SiriusXM Channel 95, with repeats throughout the week.Links -Arnold's Beach Bar, Waikiki - http://bit.ly/1DYz4YTTig Nataro Doc - http://nflx.it/1JdcGLrAmazing Randi - http://bit.ly/1FSW3mcClosing Song, "Hey Dude", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

shots of Uzo and with that orange bitters oh my god now that Tracy there's a whole bottle of Patron right there for me

you don't want to use Patron for me I get it my birthday month is over is that what it is everywhere we went it was the continuation of Tracy's birthday. We go to my brother's. The fucking pig was $500. 61-pound pig. It's not enough that there's probably spent $1,200 on this fucking get-together, right? But then we go to dinner and it's like, no, no, this one's on us. It's your birthday.

What the fuck? Then the first night, visited my mom, same thing. Oh, let's go out. I found this place we're going to. It's for Tracy's birthday. It's not even fucking July anymore. Brett's too, right, Tracy? Yeah. Talking to the mic.

Yeah, people still give a shit about that stuff when they don't live our lifestyle. Birthdays are important. That's your day of the year. And they go crunching numbers or selling shoes or whatever the fuck they do. They know how important it is to them. Yeah. So they think it's that important to you. Let's introduce the podcast.

Hey, we already hit record. But the Chalys are home. Bingo's home. Everyone who left me for our summer vacation, we had a few podcasts in the can before you left. So it's not like people have been... Well, it's not like it's been two weeks since someone heard us. But it's been two weeks since I've heard you.

I did the one... The last one was the eight-year-old, the third installment of the eight-year-old kid, which was awesome. And then I forgot we had two with chad shank and i also realized i'm on vacation i'd be under the same schedule just in someone else's house yeah trying to get other podcasts i did try to podcast by the way i tried to podcast with derrick and then i plugged the fucking stupid std card into the computer and fucking nothing i don't know if i still don't know if it didn't record or i couldn't figure out how to get it off, but I was writing well at the time, and the last thing I needed was tech rage, smashing my fucking laptop because Dropbox didn't work, or this didn't work, or I didn't work, or

whatever didn't fucking work. But it's all right. I rushed that podcast anyway. I was just trying to cram one in and the stories. It's no good without you, Chales. Oh, man. Listen to this. Tracy, see?

I'm not fucking good. Go away for two weeks. I'm not good alone. I really, as much as I fucking just want to get away from people. Yeah, give me 24 hours of that and i it's it's that whole argument against solitary confinement where you go fucking insane and i'm talking solitary confinement over at the other house with fucking laying on a couch with a fucking 70 inch tv catching up on my stories and i'm still like i'm just so like fractured emotionally anyway, writing this stupid book. Your solitary confinement includes premium channels on DirecTV,

a full refrigerator, someone to come get things for you if you don't fancy leaving the premises. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking rough. I was smoking in the house just hoping Bingo would yell at me from afar. I just want to hear a voice even if it's yelling yeah and but as soon as someone shows up i'm like all right now i now i gotta get back to work jesus what are they doing here yeah jen i didn't invite jen over and then she'd be there for an

hour and i was like all right i don't know how to say you gotta go but now i'm satiated. I know there's a human being on the other side of the cell door. Yeah, so between Jen and Derek, Derek and I had a couple of nice steaks a couple times. But you, Chaley, Bingo went to France, Dublin in France, for a wedding. Well, they went to Dublin, I found out, when we picked her up. She's really seriously butter cheeks now. I'm Bingo Butter Cheeks Bingaman. I'm Cheese Face Bingaman. I ate nothing but moldy cheese for two weeks in France, and I came back bloated, pockmarked, and pasty.

I got the pasty in Dublin, and I got the cheese face in France. She was calling me up just wine drunk, just repeating herself about moldy cheese. There's mold all over it. The wedding cake was made out of cheese? Cheese wheels. They actually had a cheese wedding cake. That's not as good as Becker, who had a spam monkey

for his wedding. Like a curious George monkey made out of spam. It was great. Were you at that wedding? I was at the wedding. I didn't make the ceremony because I got there a little bit late. If you went to the wedding. I didn't make the ceremony because I got there a little bit late. If you went to the toilet, you would have missed the ceremony. It was outside in winter in Alaska. Cold snap.

Do you? Do you? Yes, yes. Fire the flare. Yep. Fired flares into the sky and ran back inside. Everyone else was inside watching through the windows because it was in the backyard. I did their audio wedding invitations for that.

Oh, yeah? But I don't think I even... If I saw you at that, it was just a hello. It was like 95, 96. No, it was way later than that. I moved to LA in 95. Oh, was he right? Was it 99?

He was with that other fucking weird girl. Crystal. Crystal, yeah. It was he right? It was, was it 99? He was with that other fucking weird girl. Crystal. Crystal, yeah. It was 99 then, when I was back at, yeah. So you guys went to, you and Tracy went to Seattle for that pig roast you were talking about. And then we went to Orange County, California to visit my mom. And then the Brechels rounded out with just about every night, seeing comedy. Hennigan texted me, because the

Brechels live downstairs from him now. Same apartment building. Yeah, and he texted something to the effect of, oh, the wet, hot American summer continues downstairs. Woo! Hennigan's coming to town. Him and Chad Shank

Chad Shank is always with an asterisk If his mind Is suited for it Will be on the next podcast Hopefully So yeah you saw them Yeah it was great Saw Walsh

Saw Brendan Walsh The drinking Walsh He was Brendan Walsh. The drinking Walsh. He was out for one night. It was fantastic. Party starter Walsh? Oh my god. What happened? We were at the Hard Rock in...

What night was that? Saturday night, Tracy? Friday night? It was a weekend night. And it was fucking just packed. Where is the Hard Rock? Is it on Sunset? Hollywood Boulevard.

All right. So it's packed with all the street fucks that are selling shit and everything is all piled up. So everyone is condensed on the sidewalk area and everyone is looking. We go in there and there's nobody in the Hard Rock. And it opens up to this like really – it used to be a department store, I think. Oh, the Virgin Megastore or something. So it opens up and then it goes down and that's like the dining area. So it's down like about eight feet, ten feet down.

But the bar we're at is on the street level and that swings off just a little slope, a little sweep to the left there. That's a little horseshoe bar. So it goes around. So we're in the back. And then Mitchell's working there. So we're drinking with her. And then I think it was three Jamesons in. And then it was last call. And the next thing I knew, Walsh was up on a table that was level with the eight-foot drop-off to the dining room below.

And he was in a scene of someone needs to save him, and he was reaching out to his gal, saying, save me. And I go, I'll save you. And I'm holding his hand, and he's slipping. And I'm thinking, he's really fucking slipping. his hand and he's slipping and i'm thinking he's really fucking slipping he's going over this glass like like edge to like an eight foot drop and at one point i go i can't hold him any longer thinking no he fucking went right to the ground and i i only let him go so you could start filming i rushed to the edge and i looked down and I see him laying there like one of those chalk outlines, like one arm up, one arm down.

Cartoon. Yeah. And he's laying there. He's just not moving. And I'm like, oh, this is Hennegan because he's got the camera. Get some pictures. And right then I see a guy from the kitchen running over. It was one of their late night guys.

And then the picture is Brendan still laying there. Chalk outline type. And this guy was arm crossed, pinch face. We've had enough of this. Kind of that whole fucking thing. And they still didn't kick us out. Like I said, it was dead.

It was empty on a Friday night. Maybe someone will talk about us on a podcast. It'll be a free plug. Let him jump. I came over here to take the picture so you all can get in it. Yeah, it's fun. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, I haven't seen him in a while.

I don't know. I forget. The last few times I've been through L.A., it's a fucking whirlwind. And yeah, seeing people like, like, do I know you? Did I just see you on Last Comic Standing, or are we friends for the last 10 years? I don't know anymore. It's terrifying. And I always end up seeing everyone but my friends.

Well, I did a fucking crazy flight. Oh, no, that was the other flight. That was with Sydney, my niece, when we went to Australia. Yeah, we already covered that. Did I say when we're driving back to the airport, we're going to LAX, and we're on some weird streets. Wait, before Australia? South of West Hollywood, whatever that area is. And we just were stopped at a stoplight in an Uber,

and we see Henry Phillips and some dude just strolling down the street like, Henry! He's like, hey! You can't say, hey, stop. He's on the other side of the street. It's LA traffic. So he's just like, what the fuck? So why didn't you call me?

Well, he was only in town for a second. We saw him also, a comedy show that Brett Erickson, our friend Brett Erickson, did at the Bigfoot Lodge. Oh, wow. That place was one of the last holdouts when they passed the no smoking law. And there's those rebel bars that went, fuck you.

You can find me all day and night. My people are smoking. We'll pay the ticket every day. Yeah. And that lasts until they get a ticket or two. And then they go home. It's a great bar. It's fun. Yeah. But every bar has got a fucking every day. Yeah. And that lasts until they get a ticket or two. It's a great bar. It's fun.

Yeah. But then, you know, every bar's got a fucking open mic. And we went in there and Debra was actually doing a set too. Debra? His girlfriend. Oh, okay. I haven't met her yet. You know, with the bangs. Oh, okay. Have I met her? Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. You made her cry.

How did I make her cry? You made fun of her hair. When was this? When she had bangs. How long have they been together? I don't know. I made her cry. Don't worry, your name didn't come up.

What, when we were in L.A.? She was sobbing in Bingo's arms. Where? Bingo, I think you need to get up here. I don't remember. It was in LA. Yeah, oh yeah. At a bar. Yeah. Alright. And then Henry's comment.

Get on the mic if you want to talk. Henry's comment was, well, you can't be a girlfriend of mine unless Stanhope makes you cry. It was great great scene. Was that the Brechels? I don't even remember. Yeah, I get some memories.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff. There's stuff you want to black out, and that was just collateral damage. I was trying to black out other things. So, sorry, Deborah. I don't think she cares anymore. Alright, good. I think, you were just kidding, but she took it seriously. Well, maybe I wasn't.

I know this story at least of two other people in this room, and none of them are coming up to the mic, so. Alright, well, I don't, uh, yeah, I don't, I've never had an issue with bangs. No. Where I go, oh, I fucking hate bangs and don't get me drinking around them. The truth is going to come out like a freight train. As soon as you guys left, like, all right, I'm all settled in. I get the fridge stocked. You moved over, right, to the main house?

No, no. I was over at the right area. I had that place all stocked up. And then I just, I don't know when I started looking at crazy flights. And I can literally spend hours just on delta.com. It's not a plug, it is because i love delta whitney houston whitney cummings was tweeting last night about delta every time i fly your airline i paparazzi is there when i land and you're telling them and and then one of my fans goes diamond elite

million miler Doug Stanhope never has issues when he flies delta and then she wrote something else at delta doesn't seem to be a problem for diamond elite member Doug Stanhope uh that was very. Whoever wrote that to Whitney Cummings, not Whitney Houston. Sorry. Anyway, so I'm looking at crazy flights. Where can I go without stopping? And I found a good deal to go to Japan through Salt Lake, Portland, to Narita in Japan, then to, without leaving the airport, to Honolulu.

On the island of Oahu? Yeah. Yeah. All right. There's a couple islands. I said Honolulu. Yeah. That's a city.

Yeah. Well, that's, yeah, that's where you go. And I had a 12-hour layover from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. So I got the fucking, this is the best bar, the only bar we ever found in Honolulu. Because I've gone there at least four times on crazy flights. I've gone to Tucson, to Boston, to Honolulu.

Because that's how you rack up, you accrue those miles, which is what you're just trying to kill time. This time I just wanted to fucking leave. You guys weren't gone. I don't think you were gone two days before I fucking went a little psycho. I need to be on a fucking plane. One day? Was it one day?

Yeah, we were. Kenny and Derek and Bingo and Tracy are here in the room, but they don't need or want to be on mic. We were. You called me. I remember this mic. We were – you called me. I remember this now. We had landed in Seattle. So we left Wednesday morning.

Wednesday night, you were already traveling to Tucson. Now that you mention it, I started looking at crazy flights knowing you're leaving. I could drive up with them or – I don't know what I was – but I found one after you left because I already found some leads. Yeah. And Japan, all right, I'll go to Japan. I'll have sushi in the airport and get the fuck out. Which that came up.

See, it didn't work. I actually had sushi at our favorite place in Sierra Vista. And I got the spicy girl, something that you fucking don't want to order alone without a girl. Because it's like 12 pieces of sushi. It's like spicy tuna, and it's wrapped. What is that? It's not seaweed.

It's a rice paper. Yeah. And it's pink. Yeah, it's pink rice paper wrapping. I thought it was almost cucumber or something, whatever it is. And it's got spicy mayonnaise on it so they can sell it in a town like Sierra Vista and people will eat it because it's all sloppy with fucking mayonnaise. But it's like 12 pieces and I top out at four maximum. So I have eight pieces.

Usually Chaley's here and Chaley and Tracy will eat anything you leave over. He won't leave anything behind. Derek's the same way. I took Derek to sushi because I knew he wouldn't talk to me, and I knew he'd finish my fucking spicy girl roll. Derek, that's not my plate. Our table's over here. So I actually stopped there on the way to Japan to get sushi I actually like.

And then I didn't want it because I know the sushi guys there. They know us. Oh, yeah. So I didn't want to be rude because there's no chaley to eat the other eight pieces of fucking sushi. So I asked for it to go because I don't want to be rude to that sushi chef because he knows me. to go because I don't want to be rude to that sushi chef because he knows me. And then I thought, hey, why don't I just hold on to this to go

and bring it to Japan, order sushi in Japan at the airport and then leave the spicy girl roll on the table, on my plate. Fuck, that guy's never going to see me again.

And that seemed like a funny idea so i flew to japan for sushi and narita airport they don't have fucking they i couldn't find a bar much less sushi or a restaurant uh i don't know what time it was but it's a normal time whatever i you know when you fly that way i have no idea you don't it might be a different day i don't know i'm only there for five hours and then i get on a plane to honolulu but i walked out and i'm doing the like drinky motion i'm fucked up i've just come off not only the two domestic flights from to salt lake and then to portland yeah and then a two-hour wait to fly 10 and a half hours to Japan. Needless to say, I'm fucked up. I'm not like obnoxiously drunk fucked up because I take a lot of sleepers. So that 10-hour flight, I was awake from maybe...

Like kind of zombie, kind of like Twilight kind of thing? Yeah, maybe 90 minutes I was alert and awake. I remember I woke up after that 10 and a half hour flight, maybe eight hours into it, and I look at the guy next to me and he's finishing a drink and I go, I got to get a drink. So I go, what are you drinking? And he said, a rum and Coke or whatever.

And so I go to the back of the plane and I say, hey, can I get a vodka soda and a rum and Coke? And I brought it back to him and then they realized and i realized that that guy is absolutely shit-faced i felt so fucking good about myself and the lady came up to me and she whispered that please don't give him any more drinks he's already been shut off the captain has cut him off. Sorry, I didn't know. I just woke up. I'm glad someone's more fucked up than me. We're about to lock

him in the toilet. We can't do this. So I get off at Narita. Which is not a big town. It's outside of Tokyo. Well, I didn't leave the airport. The point is and I had read on some

like trip advisory fucking thing just trying to figure out narita mostly to see if they have a smoking area and uh and someone said that once you're in the terminal once you're past security that your dining options are limited and i don't know if they meant past security leaving or past security coming in yeah so i walked around and i didn't see anything they meant past security leaving or past security coming in yeah so i walked around and i didn't see anything like a bar or a restaurant at all there's your answer and so i went up to one of the gates and i just did the drinky drinky hand motion and they go ah ah because i said bar is there a bar or restaurant levi's so once i do the drinky drinky hand bottle motion they go go, ah, and they fucking walk

me over and point me to duty free. I know I want it now. And then I'm trying to do like a sit and drink like, and I'm like, fuck it, because they get the Sky Club there. So I went into the Sky Club and they did have sushi. It's like one kind of roll. I'm like, I'm not eating shit that's been sitting out. Why doesn't Duty Free have a bar inside there?

I have no idea. Because you can't drink Duty Free until you get to the place you're going. You can open it on the plane. I'm sure a lot of people, someone just got busted for doing that. Some female star.

Oh, yeah. Didn't we talk about that? I was surprised that you're not really supposed to bring liquor on the plane, but they let you bring it through security. It's a capped bottle. If I bring my airline bottle on the plane, I can serve myself a drink. No, you can't do that. No, you have to be sneaky about pouring it. I never was sneaky about it. I thought it was just like, I brought it.

I'm in my space. I bought this seat. I can pour a drink. I can do whatever I want in my space. Russ Dunn, when we told him, oh, yeah, no, because he was a wicked booze bag. He was a friend of ours from here until he died, and then we're no longer friends with him. Turns out he doesn't come around much anymore. Yeah.

Because we told him, oh, because he's panicked. He's always broke, and he's panicked about drinking on the plane. And we tell him, this is how you do it. You bring your empty travel mug, and then you buy a Coke when you get there, and you have your 10 bottles of rum. He was a rum and Coke guy. Bacardi and Coke. We tried to fucking stiff him once because he worked on the fence here, and bingo, the fucking slave driver she is when you work around here,

she just walks out at fucking 9 in the morning and says, You want cocktails? Gets all the fucking crew drunk, and you wonder why it takes eight months to build a fucking fence how come the ditch witch is in the neighbor's property on the roof so uh he she set precedent because that whole construction project started without my knowledge you were on tour yeah i was on a five-week european tour and surprise i imagine being over there hard hat and like a bunch of blueprints. She answers the phone.

No, we're doing it. We're underway. We broke ground yesterday. You hang up first. No, you hang up first. So she'd set precedence. So he's just drinking rum and Cokes the whole time. You would watch him like he'd be fucking shoveling rock and shit out in the yard

when they're grading the yard and he'd be kind of working at 11 in the morning and by 3 30 in the afternoon you look out the window and he's wailing pete townsend circles to the fucking music playing he's air guitaring on the shovel and fucking giant like the whole jumping jack flash jumping up with the splits the windmill yeah shawnee had to fire him and it takes a lot to get fired by shawnee but and he goes i can't believe you didn't do this a long time ago so we told him about the when he was flying back to new york for something and we told him about yeah you bring your mini bottles. So he just orders a Coke from the stewardess

and pulls out his mini bottles and starts pouring his own drinks, and they're like, you can't do that. Like exaggerating, like holds it like eight inches above. Yeah, repeatedly. A shaker. Because we never told him, well, you're supposed to be a little hush, hush. It's a clandestine move. You're not supposed to be

out there with it. I always tell people, when I know I'm playing a place where the drinks are fucking overpriced or if you're broke, yeah, smuggle your shit in, but just be stealth about it. This is the number one thing. Don't fucking leave your empties. Number one, recycle. Number two, this is the number one thing. Don't fucking leave your empties. Number one, recycle.

Number two, that's the biggest tip off. There's fucking, there's a bunch of dwarves fucking whiskey on the fucking, like in front of the stage. Guess what?

The band didn't bring airline liquor in here. I played, I remember playing Looney's in Colorado Springs. This strip mall comedy club, nice people. And someone fucking came in

and was sitting there i was watching it as i'm doing my act because you know when you've done bits long enough you can just sit there and you're not even aware your mouth is moving you're just on autopilot surveying the situation and i saw the waitress come up front row center two rows back. Not front row. Second row-ish. And the guys get a fucking, like a Keystone 16-ouncer. And they're taking it away from him. And you can see him causing a kerfuffle. If you're going to smuggle a fucking beer in, smuggle a beer that they actually sell anywhere in a bar. Bring in a fucking case of Meister brow in the case oh no i've ordered

this from the bar just brought it into the showroom is there a problem so they threw him out and i i took his beer and drank it for the rest of my show we we were underage in uh southern california it's like we were like 18 19 and And when I was in high school, we went to this place called Carter Bowl. I had bowling for PE. So it was a place I was comfortable with. And then on a Wednesday, Thursday night, not a weekend night,

we figured, hey, let's go down to Carter Bowl. We'll sneak in some beers. Bowl a couple frames. And then when she comes up, she'll see we have beers, and she'll get us another round. So we're fucking, we're throwing some fucking heat. We're having fun. We're drinking our beers that we smuggled in, right?

And she comes up and goes, you guys got to leave. We're like, no, no, we'll have another round. She's like, we only serve long necks here. We had fucking those short stubby co-workers that have never entered a fucking... Did you buy them at a vintage shop?

No, we're underage. You're gonna buy them somewhere. It was a shoulder tap deal. When you're pimping beer, you don't go, make sure they're long necks, sir. We have another scam in the horizon. The best would have been to grab empties out of the fucking trash. Now I think of it, I'm 50 almost. I was going through

all this shit, the old boxes of stuff. Researching the book over and through. Yeah, there's so many where I just thought I was really fucking smart and failed miserably as a kid just over and over again.

But now, now it's different. Now I've got a handle on things. held miserably as a kid just over and over again. But now, now it's different. Now I've got a handle on things. You're dotting the I's, crossing the T's. I was really dumb for a long time. But you could be dumb when there weren't cameras every fucking where. No one had a phone that also took video. You know, there was no way to, you could make more mistakes is what i'm trying to say oh no no there was a lot of places where you how could you couldn't possibly

get away with that now but uh let's uh let's make a drink because i gotta get to honolulu which is the fun part all right uh please hold so greg chaley what's going on with these new website merchandise specials? Is it Black Friday? You might as well call it that, because we've got black and oatmeal podcast t-shirts in a special right now with a signed DVD, Deadbeat Hero. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars. Wait, there's more. We're throwing in two stickers, a podcast sticker and a Killer Termite sticker.

The $1,000 stickers? Yes. How much are you giving this away for? Are you kidding me? Price so low you won't even believe it. Every time I go to Pino Salto's to have a nice vacation, Chaley's giving away the store. Hey, Greg Chaley, you know what?

It's weird that we can't get my fucking dates or my podcast up on the website, but somehow you're figuring out how to get merchandise specials. That makes me a little tentative about your whole angle, plus my smashed bumper. I think you're out to get me. So go to the website and check out these sales, and if you're screwing me, Greg Chaley, I'll get you back! You'll be the last to know. Alienation was a black guy. It was a movie before it was a...

No, you're talking about the two aliens caught on a fucking planet? Yeah, what was that? Lou Gossett Jr., yeah. Yeah, talk into a mic or don't. Just get up here and talk. We're going to get her a lavalier mic. She can still sit there. What was that called?

I didn't know. Enemy Mine. Enemy Mine was Lou Gossett Jr., but... Lou Gossett Jr. and who? Randy Quaid? Randy Quaid. The other one was Alien Nation. No, no, not Randy Quaid. All right, he's in a. The other one was Alien Nation. No, no.

Not Randy Quaid. All right. He's in a space movie, so I could picture him on a moon. He's in the, like, when they shrunk him down. I don't know. Like, inner space? Like, the Disney thing? With Martin Short? Okay.

No. With Martin Short. All right. We're... All right. Anyway. That's Alien Nation. We were just watching a commercial for the Black Mass.

Not a sponsor. Not a sponsor. With Johnny Depp. And just see in the trailer, Johnny Depp looks like the aliens from Alien Nation with the fake age spots painted on his face. I hope I can get past that. I can get past that. Hey, we're sponsored this podcast by things that kept me sane while all my friends ditched me and all went to vacation land. Oh, last night we watched the Tig Notaro.

I did a Netflix binge. I'm off the book for a couple of days. I finished a second draft, sent it into the publisher, still haven't got any notes from either draft. Like, come on, I fucking need notes. I need story points. Does this seem off topic? I can't read. When I read a book, and I've read like seven, just since I've, which is maybe two a year I generally read. I thought that was in your life.

No, it was seven just writing this book. All right, I don't want us to be stuck to TV. But reading, yeah, that's influential and inspiring, either good or bad. But we watched – I did go off onto a Netflix binge last night. An Honest Liar is James Randi. He's the amazing. Oh, yeah, yeah, the amazing Randi. Yeah, and his debunking of all these guys you forgot during the 70s, 80s,

big telekinesis thing. He's doing a lot of Carson. Uri Geller. Yeah, he did Carson. It's fucking fantastic. I can't recommend that enough. And then I watched Tig is a documentary. I can't recommend that enough. And then I watched Tig. It's a documentary.

I thought it was her new special. I think she has a new special on HBO. It's Boy Girl Interrupted. All right, so that's the HBO one. That's her stand-up. And I'm like, I click on Tig thinking it's that. And I'm like, I don't know if I can do an hour and 31 minutes of stand-up. It's like 2 in the morning and I'm like, I don't know if I can do an hour and 31 minutes of stand-up. It's like 2 in the morning, and I'm sober somehow.

I haven't started drinking. And Bingo and I watched it. It's a documentary about her from the breast cancer. When she did that live. Yeah, and then to a year later when she made her triumphant return. It's fucking great. I love that girl so much. We worked together years ago.

I don't know where. We've traded a couple emails. I don't really know her. And it's called what? Tig. It's on Netflix. Yeah, it's fucking great. It's really, I just, wicked crush on her.

And bingo, she's beautiful. Do you know her? I go, yeah. Well, I mean, comics all know each other kinda so it's just we're not like best friends or anything we don't call do you have her number can we call her can we call her maybe she'd like to share i like her i want to meet her someday i i don't have her number,

but I do have her email. So, all right, I'll email her as soon as it's done. I go, yeah, you'll forget. Okay.

As soon as it's done. And as soon as the emailer, email her, tell her how much I love her and I want to meet her. So I emailed her. Told her how much bingo loved her. And so watch. Yeah, the TIG documentary. That kept me while she was back.

That didn't keep me safe. You know what? Fucking listen to Jay Oakerson, Big Jay Oakerson, everyone. Yes. I assume anyone who knows me knows Big Jay Oakerson has a podcast with uh dan soder he's a fucking he's another guy dan soder i don't know if i just know him from being funny and i've seen him or if i actually know him as a person which is again terrifying yeah i don't go out in fucking la and new york i'm constantly terrified that after 25 years of being a drunk comic that I'm going

to say, hey, it's great to see you. Dan Soder might not even know who I am. And I just go, I think I know this guy. Nice to see you again. Yeah. I know. I never met you before. Yeah.

No, you saw him on Conan. He's not your friend, but he's fucking funny. They're doing a podcast together. It's called The Bonfire. It's on Comedy Central Radio. So, yeah It's called The Bonfire. It's on Comedy Central Radio. So, yeah, check out The Bonfire. Absolutely fucking must listen to. Fucking Oakerson.

Oakerson, I swear I worked with at Caroline's once. That's so many years ago. He's a New York comic, so. Yeah, yeah. He's in the Attell stable. I hope that is not offensive. But yeah, I knew him through Attell, I think.

But he's fucking funny. And they're doing a podcast. I just looked it up. It's Mondays and Wednesdays. They do it live, 6pm Eastern, and it's on Sirius XM 95. You can also get access through the SoundCloud page.

Which is also where you can get our podcasts. Alright, yeah. Someone sent me a link. So if you want me to send you a link, please email me. I know you will. Hey, how do I find that again? I don't know. Someone sent me a fucking link and I'm like

oh fuck, yeah. So yeah, everyone has a podcast and that one's worth it. So, yeah, Monday and Wednesday. The Bonfire. They have a fucking name for theirs, and we're supposed to have a name by the 100th episode. A title for this podcast. I don't think I'm going to. I think I might take out podcast.

I call it the Doug Stanhope Show. That way, young goober comics can say, oh, they can put it on their resume, and it sounds better than podcast. Oh, yeah. Because everyone does have a podcast. But if you say it's the show, Doug Stanhope Show. So then we'll get guests? The Doug Stanhope Experience. I wonder if Joe Rogan would give me shit for that.

I wonder if Rogan would even ever notice that I called it the Doug Stanhope experience. At one point, you wanted to change the name, like, every time you did it. Which doesn't scale very well. I think we actually put one out early on called What the Heck. What the Heck, the Marc Maron takeoff. Act like I didn't know what the fuck even existed called What the Heck. What the Heck, the Mark Merritt takeoff. Act like I didn't know what the fuck even existed. What the Heck, What the Hextables. Ay yi yi.

All right, this just in. And Derek just lumbered over to me with his thousand yard pedophile leer and said, why didn't you ask Brian the Japanese word for bar? Oh, oh, when I was in Japan. Thank you, fucking 20 minutes late. It took him that long to get

over here to the mic. I realized there's a bar I can drink for free. I'm already way too fucked up and need a nap. So I just sat in the Sky Club. You can pour your own drinks. It's like this. It's just like this.

It's like the Funhouse, the fucking Sky Club. You just sit there. You pour your own drinks, take a little nap in a fucking reclining chair. And that's what you do. So I did that. And then thank you. You know what? This actually segues me back to honolulu

then i have a fucking seven and a half hour flight to honolulu from five hours in narita seven and a half hour ten and a half hour flight from portland to narita you lay over there yeah like five hours of half comatose in a sky club the sky club and then seven and a half hours where i sat my seat i had a fucking aisle seat in that middle row. This is a bigger plane, so there's like seats on left and right. Yeah, like three, four, three.

And I'm sitting there. I already have my eye mask on. I'm waiting. I was still on the tarmac and the fucking flight attendant taps me and says, they've changed your seat. What?

And I get up and I start walking towards the back of the plane. I'm somewhat disoriented. Sure. She goes, no, sir. And it's one with the upstairs. Ooh. Because they don't bump you up international ever, really. Brian's had it happen randomly, but they fucking sent me to the upstairs, fully reclined seat with a menu.

And I'm just out of it. And I remember walking up the stairs on the airplane, looking at that woman who bumped me up. She's watching me to see if I'm going to be able to make it up okay. Up the stairs? Would you like to take our escalator? I remember looking at her going, I love you. I love you. I love you. And I had the flight attendant upstairs when they brought me my pre-takeoff cocktail,

take a picture of me with my reading glasses on over my eye mask and tweeted that out and went to bed. And seven and a half hours later, I wake up going, can I just stay? Just a little bit longer. longer just want to lay here but in honolulu and bingo this is one thing hold on a second how did that happen i have no idea they have an open seat and they said oh we have a diamond medallion member million miler i don't know no i want that to that to be the reason. I want someone to be so aware of the million milers. I have no idea. A million milers, that's the bottom rung.

Oh, really? Yeah, there's like 12 million milers. Not in my world. Well, fucking George Clooney in Up in the Air. It was like a 10 million miler he wanted to get to before he can meet the captain. I don't know what happens. Either way, maybe it's because I tweet fucking Delta this and Delta that. But either way, I'm going to keep doing it.

Yeah. So I land in Honolulu. It's 9 in the morning to 9 at night. I have 12 hours. And Bingo and I found that one cool tiki bar arnold's tiki bar it's so fucking hard to find and don't because uh you're not allowed uh it's i i think i remember the address it's like 322 saratoga i know this because i tweeted from japan i think or Portland. I tweeted at some point on the, that was like 22 hours of flying to get there. And I tweeted at Roseanne, because I know she lives in Hawaii, but she's on the big island.

But on the off chance that you're in Honolulu, I get a 12-hour layover. I'll be drinking at Arnold's Tiki Bar. And she tweeted, I'm in Waikiki. Just had a kid. She just had a grandkid that she'd been taking care of. So she's stuck in Waikiki, 10 minutes away from Arnold's Tiki Bar. Which is 339 Saratoga Road. All right, so I was close.

233. You know what? What'd you say? It's 3-2-9? 3-3-9. 3-3-9. If you were at 3-3-8, you could get lost trying to find the fucking place. And Roseanne's not.

She's got bingo skills when it comes to getting out of the fucking house and finding her way around. So I get to right in front of. Yeah, thank you. when it comes to getting out of the fucking house and finding our way around. So I get to right in front of, yeah, thank you, right in front of Arnold's. Arnold's is like in a back alley, and it's open air. The bar is underneath, but there's no doors unless it's closed. Then they have doors that pull out. So I go to this fucking egg place.

It's like the egg and I or existentialism or one of those dumb kooky names. And every time we've been to Arnold's Tiki Bar, there's a fucking line, people just sitting out on the sidewalk in chairs waiting to get into this egg place. I don't know what you can do that. But I'm alone. So I got lucky. So I can get one alone stool overlooking the back alley looking at Arnold's Tiki Bar.

And I remember when I lived in Idaho. I lived in Idaho up in the sticks. It was Crouch, Idaho when I was 22, I think. I had just turned 22. It's a long story. It's in the book. But I would drive. Jesus, shut the fuck up.

There was one bar, The Dirty Shame in Crouch, Idaho, population 400, up in the mountains about an hour north of Boise. And The Dirty Shame, Jolene was the bartender. And they opened. It's like even a rougher version of Bisbee in that the bar opens around 12. And if it's 1230, fuck you. And if I'm there early because I got to do inventory, well, you're welcome. So I would just drive my car back and forth, wait for Jolene to show up in front of that bar.

And that's how I felt sitting, staring at Arnold's with the doors shut. It's like 10 to 10 and they open at 10 and i'm sitting there i order my one egg and one piece of toast just to have a base of something i ate waiting for and then i see the girl start to open up the bar she's gonna drag out all the patio chairs for the outdoor part and i just paid my tab quick and I ran down. I'm still wearing, I wear my ridiculous suit. Someone tweeted me that because I was tweeting pictures of myself

and they go, wow, you wear your stage clothes on the plane? And I went, no, I wear my airplane clothes on the stage. So I got this fucking bright red jacket and my plaid pants and my dumb shirt with my Delta

tie tack. Always fucking be branding when you want to get upstairs. Surprise. And so I just walked down there and I just start grabbing chairs and tables. I didn't even say anything to her. I just start putting out her furniture. You're pumping gear. Yeah.

For the day shift. In my fucking completely stupid suit and 90 degrees in the summer. Oh, that's what I wanted to tell Bingo. This is the greatest part because we've been to Arnold's to do Honolulu. There is a kind of a dumpy hotel right behind Arnold's. If you could bust through the wall, you'd be there. You have to walk around the block. It's like it used to be getting down to Black Knob.

Do you remember anything about the name? Yeah, something, a parrot or a parakeet or a pea. You just fucking search what's near. It's right beside the fucking place, and I get it for 87 bucks. I'm only going to be there for 12 hours, but I don't want to wear this whole suit the whole day. So I brought shorts. So I changed into shorts, talking to Roseanne the whole time, texting her. What's the full name?

I Googled it. It's the fucking first thing that comes up. You type in Arnold's T.I. and it comes up. I can't find it. Where's my shoes? I fucking love her so much. and it comes up. I can't find it. Where's my shoes? I fucking love her so much. She finally gets there. The bartender, Dawn, is her name at Arnold's Tiki Bar.

Absolutely fall in love with the second you get your chores done and put out the patio furniture. She doesn't ask any questions. She's like, oh, thanks. Put out all the patio furniture so i could get my first drink and dawn fall in love with immediately she was like the bartender where where islam marita where the fuck did we go in mexico in march yeah that island gretchen's i had a remember that bartender bingo yeah That little tiny 12-seat bar? Yeah, she was like that. The fucking best bartender.

I love you. Roseanne finally shows up with all my shoes and my glasses. And so by 11 o'clock, we're drunk. We're dancing to fucking James Brown. 11 a.m. Yeah. Okay. It might have been 11 James Brown. 11 a.m. That might have been 11.30.

I'm just saying, it's like you guys, you've got 12 hours to leave the airport and get back to your plane. So you guys basically condensed an afternoon into a couple hours and you're wasted by 11 a.m. Roseanne gets drunk

very quickly. I love James Brown and let's dance. We have the bar. It's our own bar. It's me and her and Don. And I think there was one other guy there because there was someone else dancing. Actually, I'm flapper girl dancing in my weird suit.

And until it quickly gets to the point where Roseanne's got to fucking have breakfast. You can't put drinks on that empty stomach or it's going to go poorly. So we just wander off. I changed in the hotel, got my shorts, and we went to another bar.

I remember I was smoking, even though it was outdoors. Honolulu. You're in the tourist district. You're just off of Kalakaua, which is the main drag before you can have to – because it's a one-way street. Everything is right there. And it's all these giant – it's like being on the strip in Vegas without the casinos or the neon. Yeah. It's just towering hotel buildings.

It's just all clutter it's like it looks like tokyo if you've ever seen a picture of tokyo where it's just these monoliths and uh we found some patio bar of a hotel or something but then there's no one there so we're smoking cigarettes and drunk and ate enough to continue walk it off and then we then we decide to walk the beach and i'm a guy you you know how i travel i'll sit right at the beach and drink there going wow too bad i never got in that fucking thing but i'm like we gotta get in the fucking ocean sure not flying all the way here and just we're right. That's the most beautiful beach you were at. Absolutely. But it's packed.

It's really right around that whole tourist section. It's like literally shoulder to shoulder people in their lounge chairs. Well, it's all hotel owned, like all that property and you got dudes down there. Or timeshare owned. Exactly. You don't know what those fucking buildings are. They're just giant 80 story buildings and then a beach. And she's like, well, who's going to watch our stuff?

I'm like, just pick a Japan. They're honest people. Any of these Japanese? No. Well, they don't want your shit anyway. It's the locals. They're going to rip you off if anyone. So we're we're

going in between chairs lounge chairs like profiling people five feet from their face like are you honest yeah i'm like how about this come on they're fine they have kids what are they gonna run off with you have better stuff now well finally there's some buff guy and his girlfriend all he's all oiled up and he's reading some kind of book she she goes what's he reading and there was something biblical in the name i don't remember it wasn't i don't think it was a jesus book like like you know self-help i think it had to do with christianity but not necessarily promoting it but just because it had something biblical in it she goes okay him and then we just stripped down to our fucking underwear and jumped in the ocean and i've i've never had

a fuck better time swimming in the ocean. Roseanne is fucking gorgeous. I find her to be one of the most beautiful women ever. And we just swimming around shit face in the fucking ocean. And I don't know how long we're out there, but then we go, we get another drink and then, uh, I gotta go.

She's gonna go. I gotta get back. We get another drink. And then I got to go. She's got to go. I got to get back. We're wrecked. And I get her into a cab. And then I have to piss really bad. And I'm walking. And it's just like the strip in Vegas. You can be right in front of Caesar's Palace.

Vegas. You can be right in front of Caesar's Palace, but if you have to piss desperately, being right in front of Caesar's Palace is a long fucking way from Caesar's Palace. So I'm walking, and it's all these giant, huge skyscraper buildings, so I just

ran into the first one. It's got to have a... And I see no public restrooms, giant on the automatic sliding glass door. And I'm like, bullshit. And I walked in. I go, do you guys have a bar? And they go, no, but it's Friday.

So we have – at 5 o'clock, we have a guy and there's a cake and – They're running down the – He doesn't finish his sentence and I walk out and I realize I realize there's, like, nothing I can see that's, like, a public place. But it's the city, and it's broad daylight, and I start to piss my pants. And so I... Like, I can't... This is a huge... This is the main street of Honolulu.

It is the tourist fucking strip. And I'm already starting to spray piss. And I can't walk up to, like, pretend I'm making love to a trash can or whatever. I don't know. So I just went towards the beach, around what I thought was a hotel. It was probably Timeshare, I'm guessing. And it says smoking area this way, and it's a long way back. So on the sidewalk around the building, I'm trying to yank my dick out of my shorts.

Like pull the shorts out. I'm trying to pull. And they're shorts like this. You need to clear the edge of the shorts. Like cargo shorts, but they're too tight. And I'm trying to get my dick out to piss while I walk. So I'm squirting mostly in my pants. And then a little bit when I get the leg up high enough,

I would squirt against the wall or on my sock, and I'm doing this hitch step, just trying to piss on the fucking left leg up, piss, piss. So I'm pissing all over, mostly on myself, a little bit on the wall, a little bit on my fucking shoe. As I get to right when I turn there's another like corner and then I see the smoking area and someone's at it but I've pissed enough

now that I lowered the tank enough to get me to an actual men's room so I turn around to walk back and there was a guy behind me the entire time that looked like some retired marine colonel in his fucking Hunter S. Thompson outfit. And he's standing there with a lighter and an unlit cigarette.

He's going to the smoking area. When I turn around, he just looks at me with his hands raised up going, What the fuck was that? And I didn't even bother trying to explain i just walked past like i'm some fucking junkie you could have done your cerebral palsy i get to go on the airplane first move i know monday morning quarterback sorry but so i just went back to arnold's tiki bar still fucking pissed all over myself i didn't care care. No, they don't either. And I hung out with Dawn.

By then she had a crowd and had cocktails. And then I went upstairs to my Flophouse Motel and changed out of my pee pants, left my pee underwear and my pee pants there, put my silly suit back on, back on the plane, back home, waiting for my friends to come home. That's fucking awesome. I lived down there for about six months. Right in that?

Right in that. You probably don't, unless it was close to where you're pissing on the street. There's a Duke statue. Duke Komonomoku. Anyone know the name? Anyone? No one here cares. But there's a Duke statue where they all surf out front there.

And yeah, I lived there for six months, and I think I went in the ocean once. The OJ trial was on. I think that's it. Is that a common thing? Do you remember where you were during the OJ trial was on. I think that's is that a common thing? Do you remember where you were during the OJ? I was in paradise. Not the trial, but the

chase. The white bronco chase. I remember where I was for that. I was fucking waiting to do a gig. My dad was out on the west coast visiting me on a triple gig. And we're going, wow, I hope this doesn't go through the gig because everyone's transfixed to this. And I think it did.

So yeah, that's it. I think this is a fucking podcast, right? Is there anything you got to catch me up on that you did? No. Alright. I get some viewer mail, but I'll save that for the next podcast. Evidently, SoundCloud, but I'll save that for the next podcast. Evidently, SoundCloud,

if I play music that we don't have the rights to, they can pull our podcast. They're pro-artists. Yeah. Well, you know what? Fuck you. We have Mishko Shibali and we have the Matoid. We have their permission. So flip a coin. Heads Matoid. Anyone have a

coin? Flip a credit card. How about that? Coins are... I have a credit card holder. Go ahead. Heads mattoid, tails, Mishka. All right. That's a podcast.

Play heads. It's the Matoid. in your hand Hey dude What you gonna do with the wailing harpoon in your hand Gonna go and harpoon my lady She's rubbing noses with another

Eskimo mane Gonna go and harpoon my lady She's rubbing noses with another Eskimo mane There I go Harpoon, harpoon, harpoon Harpoon, harpoon, harpoon Harpoon in your hand Noses with another Eskimo mane There I go La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Hey dude, I guess you just harpooned your lady down

Hey dude, I guess you just harpooned your lady down Yes I harpooned her, I caught her doing hangy pangy around the Eskimo town Yes I harpooned her, I caught her doing hangy on the bank around the Eskimo town. Here I go then. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Where you gonna go now? What you gonna do? Where you gonna go now? Gonna wait till Ruska It's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around

Gonna wait till Ruska It's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around Then I'm gonna go to Finland. Gonna get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna go to Finland. Get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna get myself a whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies. Just making love all night long in the midnight sun. Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies Just making love all night long in the midnight sun

Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies Just making love all night long in the midnight sun Down south in Finland Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun Down south in Finland Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun

Down south in Finland, all the rules are hand-managed, so the way Down south in Finland, all the rules are hand-managed, so the way I've been afraid Right on you, baby Right on you, baby Right on you, baby Right on you, baby Right on the thing