The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #91: Chad Shank & Brian Hennigan in the same room together

Episode Date: August 21, 2015

Chad Shank & Brian Hennigan in the same room together. Derek builds a bike and takes a trip.Recorded Aug. 15, 2015  at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -GHOSTRIDE.COM – DOUG HEAD - http://bit.ly/1LnAoa0Closing Song, "Rat Poison", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, the Doug Stano podcast is kicking off with a... We're having a... Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman is here. Drove out from Los Angeles. And Chad Shank is here. Welcome back, Chad Shank and Greg Chaley. And so the shit-talking started early because Castle Rock Kenny is here and Brian loves to abuse him.

So, yeah, they're about to have an, what's it called? The Iron Throne from the Carrot app. Chaley and I talked about the exercise Carrot app before. You have to sit with your back against the wall. Like you're sitting on a stool, but there's no stool there. Imagine sitting on a stool and then with your back against the wall and someone pulling the stool out and you staying right there.

That's exactly what it is. That's a good visual for you, Brian. And Kenny, always the gambling addict. Who's the invigilator? What's that? Who's the invigilator? Oh, the referee, the judge, the ump. No, not me.

Steve Drew is a neutral party. Steve drew can be the uh invigilator the invigilator fucking hennigan and his big words that never answers the phone when i'm trying to find a word for my book like what's the word for the thing he won't answer his phone but here he comes with invigilator so uh yeah we're gonna we're gonna kick this off with the most boring thing to listen to ever but we'll uh. But let's just kick it off. Brian Hennigan has $20, which is... We're going to $10. Oh, you went down to $10?

I'm going to hang on until you get done. All right. Steve Drew, you got it? Yeah. And are they... Are we both at the same angle? Judge, ruling. They're at the same angle?

90 degrees? Go. All right. And as this goes on, we we'll podcast because i don't know how long this might be like a 10 minute fucking thing i don't know how long you can sit like that i was gonna start the stopwatch i forgot i got it started uh in the in the carrot app it's 30 seconds and it fucking kills me so that you guys are going to last a lot longer than that. Did we bet, Chaley? Because I had money on Hennigan. Nobody's going to bet on me.

My leg's burning already. All right, I'll bet on Kenny. All right, five bucks. Five bucks. Hennigan's feeling it, but he looks pretty zen you're rooting for kenny kenny uh kenny actually uh busted his balls today we are tearing down the uh innards of the fun house to create the uh the new uh podcast arena or whatever the fucking name of the podcast is the doug stanhope show is i think i might change it from the d name of the podcast is? The Doug Stanhope Show. I might

change it from the Doug Stanhope Podcast to the Doug Stanhope Show. Alright, they're starting to show some signs of... Hennigan said when he made the bet, he said, well, he might win. He's stupid. Oh, look at Hennigan going to some breathing,

some yoga breathing. A minute, 12 seconds right now. Kenny, just give up. Kenny, just give up. Kenny, just give up. Come on. You've got nothing to prove. Yeah, Kenny and Derek were out here today just hauling all the shit out of here. All the shit, including all the fucking booze, which I made it very clear last night.

Now we're podcasting again tomorrow. Wait, wait, wait. Are you smoking weed? Oh, come on. That's not a... Oh, yes! Yes! Kenny gave in after an accusation of...

Doping. Performance-enhancing drug. I didn't want to get tested. Take your mic. All right, thank you. Is this the victory mic? Yes. Good work, Brian.

Thank you very much. And next, maybe push a blind girl downstairs. I got money on the girl. Brian, was that your strategy? To somehow aggravate Kenny? Or to stymie him with some kind of thinking game? No, no, no. No, I couldn't get... You wouldn't want to get Kenny involved in thinking.

Thank you very much, Kenny. You don't want to get in Kenny's head. I've only been in town an hour and I'm ten bucks ahead already. Thank you, Mr. Chaley. I'm five dollars up. Oh, yeah, Chaley, you owe me $20. But I guess I owe you a percentage of that. I owe Chad from the

Ronda Rousey fight. I'm $5 light right now, but I'll get it to you before you end the podcast. Kenny, Kenny, you've got to be on a mic, too. You can crank those doors open. Some fucking smoke sweatbox in here

right now. These guys definitely jimmed it all up in here like a fucking sweatbox. The testosterone is fucking raging now. So what was the complaint about if Kenny had been smoking weed? Because that kind of dulls pain. Well,

okay, but did you somehow think Kenny had not smoked weed today? I know, but it just seems like it's on you. Yeah, but I didn't, you know, I haven't acclimatized yet. I've only just got here. I haven't realized I'm in a town where everyone is basically off their

tit on some amateur drug all the time. Yeah, so we saw you going into your deep breathing exercises, like your, what's his name, David Blaine, about to be suspended over something for a month. I was deep breathing it. Oh, and that's how he came up with, like, who's been smoking pot next to me? Oh, it's Kenny.

Wait, I'm playing. Did someone crap themselves? Do you still do yoga two times a day? No, I did it for a month. I do that for a month at a time. Maybe twice or three times a year. First of all, you quit drinking and I know you're not going to want to talk about this.

I'm not going to talk about it. Alright, we'll talk about it. You quit drinking. The word on the street in the Globe tabloid when I was checking out at Safeway, I saw the front page, Brian Hennigan quits drinking because he woke up with someone less than desirable in his bed. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I've never woken up with anybody less than desirable. All right. It seems like a riddle. He makes sure they leave well before he has to wake up. All right. He never goes to sleep. He never goes to sleep.

You made a choice that you regretted. And like a cartoon, you picked up that jug with the three X's on it, smashed it against the wall, said never again. Oh, yeah. What did she have? Like, not like straight teeth or something? Did she? Because we know this story.

I don't know if you ever told it on the podcast, but there was one time Hennigan went home with this chick to fuck her, and she took her shirt off, and she had a hair on her nipple, so he left. He just turned around.

No, I just stopped. I didn't leave. Like you feigned a heart attack or something? It was in my bedroom. House rules, I guess. It's not often you actually have to pretend to have Brewer's Droop, but I did. Brewer's Droop. See, that's why I need to fucking have him answer the phone

when I'm writing this book. I would have just gone with whiskey dick. No, he has brewer's droop. One more smart fuck word, and this podcast will count for night school. Continuing education. That's quite funny, because I got some smart fuck words with me.

Oh, I know. So you were doing... Okay, back to the girl so yeah yeah so you've been well you were on the wagon obviously you're not yeah not now but um because obviously when you go on the wagon your your social life does kind of dry up, even in my crowd. So eventually after two months, but it's relatively easy to stay on the wagon in the summer months. Living next to the Brechels? I was just thinking that, that I really enjoy winter drinking to summer drinking. Really? Yes. Because in the summer, you're powering down because you want fluids.

Yeah. But a nice cold beer on a hot day yeah Anyway, go ahead. Yeah. Quiet, he's back in his yoga breathing. No, no, that's it. I thought you were ruminating whether or not you should talk more about this. No, but it's quite easy being

sober above the breccias because it's like a sort of cartoon noise of ham you know hamsters being drunk all the time it's just this constant frivolity you know and so ruining brian's misery it's that thing about it's easier to resist something when it's very present if you know what i mean yeah as you can always get what you want yes yeah that's why when i'm that's why funny enough when i go sober uh i always make sure

the house is fully stocked with alcohol because i feel i actually find that makes it easier true i get it yeah yeah you want what you can't have? Yeah. Or you're not like tiny. I feel the same way about food. When I get, like, you're playing in the Midwest, and I'll get spaghetti. That sounds good. And they bring you four pounds of it. Then I don't even want it. Yeah. I like the fancy schmancy restaurants where they give you one little tiny, like,

a roca, where they give you the appetizer of the sherbet. And a moosh boosh yeah a spoonful yeah that makes me hungrier i'm definitely the opposite i'm all or nothing you guys do great if i was surrounded by nothing i would do good are you are you texting while we podcast brian no how big you think phones have got? That's a visual change. I'm holding an iPad, folks. Doug's kind of out of it in terms of knowing what's the difference between an iPad and an iPhone. I didn't know if he had a script for the podcast.

Ah, yes. Funny you should mention that. Turns page. Turns page. No, I'll be honest. I woke up in bed with someone who was bigger in size than I'm used to. And that kind of put me on the street. Ladies, that means like up into the 110s. So that put me on the street in Nairu for a while.

And I was pleased for that. But I ain't getting back on the horse. Don't worry. I want to know how you even meet a girl. I want to know how Brian Hennigan gets a chick in bed. No different from anyone else. Oh, yeah, it's different. No different from anyone else.

I play guitar. We've got a chick. I don't know. I have no idea how you tricked this person. I'm assuming she's still hypnotized. If you'd shut up, I can keep her. But before I found her, I didn't find her. Oh, you found her?

Oh, that's right. Tracy Packyard. He's badgering me. I've always met gals in bars, drunk, and I'm drunk, and I'm usually on stage playing in a band for years. They thought you were your brother. That could be, too. Chaley does have a twin brother that would look like Chaley if he had weird fucking hair. He just shaved his head.

That's how he met his wife. What, she thought it was you? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking... She was the promotions director at Chilkoots, and my brother had come up because he had never been to Alaska. And I had long hair just about down past my shoulders. Yeah. And she walked up to him in the bar and said, Greg, you cut your hair.

My brother just went, yeah, I was fucking sick of it. And then they started talking. Coming up on 17 years. Would that be rape? Would that be rape? They didn't head to the fucking Justice of the Peace right then. Well, he fucked her. No, they found

minutes later. I mean, he let it go for a while, but then I walked in the room and I, you know, I screwed up the ruse. But, I mean, he wasn't going to let it keep going. Well, maybe it could have been. Wait, did your brother just grow his hair eight inches? Yes, yes. He had

extensions put in. But would that be rape? It's interesting. Rape? No. Oh. If he thought you were someone else. No, it couldn't be, because it's voluntary. Yeah. Well, yeah. If I walk into couldn't be, because it's voluntary. Yeah. Well, yeah, if I walk into your bedroom and you think it's your husband walking into the bedroom

and I fuck you because you didn't know any different. Yeah. That's different. See? Yeah. What a conundrum. I wish we could take calls. Maybe we'll do that when we have the new podcasting area.

We'll get some cameras and maybe we'll even take calls, but probably not. It'd be better if we had the sound of a teletype in the background. Somebody reading it out. I think that's the same thing. I think if... I know. She thought she was fucking Greg Chaley

and she was fucking nonsense Chaley. She thought she was fucking goofus and gallant. And got gallant. Even based on regular standards that's pretty iffy. But now, I was reading an article that people have to sign consent forms

in case you're drunk and stuff on colleges. Have you seen that? Was it explicit yes or something? If you're drunk and stuff on colleges. Have you seen that? Yeah. Was it explicit yes or something? If you're that drunk that you're going to fuck some random dude, you're probably drunk enough that you'll sign anything to. A waiver prior to. Isn't that how they used to get people in the military? Wasn't that how they got people on Girls Gone Wild?

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And they'd videotape them. Right. Saying, giving consent to show that they're not. Because it's not even enough to get a signature. You need to have someone videotape a video log of someone writing it.

Say your name, say your age, say that you're consenting to this. So if they say, oh, I was drunk when I signed it. Well, you don't seem that drunk. All right? If they say, oh, he's drunk when I signed it. Well, you don't seem that drunk. All right. Didn't stop Joe Francis from fucking losing all his money to lawyers like I predicted 10, 12 years ago.

By the time he's 40, lawyers will have all of his money. And now he's on the lam in Mexico. That fucking scumbag piece of shit. Yeah. Doug Stanhope is the Nostradamus of ignominy. Ignominy. Ignominy. There we go. So yeah, there you go.

Brian Hennigan's shutting down the podcast with another big word. Stymied the crew. And by the way, you know how I won that competition because of my

against Kenny just now. Your glorious horse-like buttock? No. No, my buttocks weren't engaged. It was a... I went against Kenny just now. Your glorious horse-like buttock? No. No, my buttocks weren't engaged. It was a... I don't know what muscles work what. I have Derek do it.

All right. That's... No, because I do yoga. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what's your yoga story that you texted you texted me well i thought it was i mean okay there's a limit to how interesting this story is to your audience let's be blunt i'm not sure how much yoga goes on when they're not listening to the podcast i don't ever assume we have an

audience all right but laughing at someone doing something embarrassing that's all right that's universal all right so go so um we're doing this yoga class of other day, and our teacher is this kind of shit-hot yoga teacher, right? Her name's Rina Jakobowitz, and she's been on the cover of Yoga Journal. She owns three yoga studios in Miami, and she's just come out to LA. So we're doing this typical LA yoga class, which is basically me. And although I look kind of fit in Bisbee, I don't look that fit when I'm in a yoga class with five typical

LA women. You have that afghan of hair all over your... where they might see your muscles if you shaved and oiled, but otherwise you have a carpet... No definition. Like if he stuffed newspapers in his shirt.

Yes, I'm ready to yoga. So we're doing this yoga and we're doing this exercise against a wall and she says, there's not enough room on that wall. Brian, you come over to this wall. And I take one step forward and I slip in my own sweat

and basically bend my toe the wrong way. Like I basically didn't bend the toe up. The big toe? Under. Under. Yeah. And I tried to kind of gamely laugh it off like, oh, no, it's fine. And she went, I don't think that is fine, Brian.

Let's have a. And then I heard her say, wait, is that blood? I bent it so far that there was blood coming out the toenail. Oh, you hyperextended it so like the nail bent. So she says, without... She just goes, okay, come over here. I'm going to deal with Brian using Reiki. There we go.

You lot, or not you lot, you keep, and she kept teaching the class, had me lie on the ground and had my foot in her lap for the last half hour of the class while these four or five shit- hot le women watched me just lie there it was like a really bad episode of of uh it was like a really bad episode of leave it to jim or something you know According to Jim. It's like a really bad, like Jim Belushi sitcom.

Leave it to Jim. I would have been more embarrassed if it wasn't for the inordinate pain I'd been feeling. I genuinely thought I'd broken it. Did the Reiki work? Funnily enough, it did. Well, wait, hold on a second. You had basically a concubine

wrapped around you as one gal rubbed your foot with her imaginary powers. No, I don't feel good. Let's keep doing this. I've got a half hour for the next class. She has magical powers. I said to her,

I'm an atheist, so that was purely coincidental. But I had to acknowledge that something happened. I bet. Yeah. You're wrapped up in the sweaty arms of a hot chick. It sounds almost like a Porky's treatment. You're like losing it. The movie, losing it.

Yeah, she's very hot. I don't doubt you. So anyway, that's what happened. One of the details. Yes, yes, Charlie, go on, go on. I'm going to cure your broken toe with Reiki. What I'm going to do is I'm just going to cup your balls gently and stroke the underside of you.

Oh, see, you're feeling better. Can you feel your foot anymore? Not even thinking about that foot, are you? Clean up the blood. Oh, I don't know. That's where I thought the story was going, was immediate AIDS scare. It's an L.A. yoga studio and blood. It's like Bill Murray cleaning up the pool in Caddyshack.

Someone's cleaning up two drops of toe blood. Two drops of toe blood. Clear the room. Well, you seem to be fine. I am fine. I went to yoga again the next day. Did you close the deal because you're drinking again? I didn't know if maybe...

Was that the moment that you go, all right. No, no, no. She's going out with some other male yoga teacher. So you're going to learn how to teach yoga? I don't want to do that. That's a silly thing. I like yoga know. I don't want to do that. It's a silly thing. I like yoga, but I don't want to teach it. It's a bit clumsy, it sounds like, in the yoga room.

Oh, you're so funny. Very slapstick. He's all fucking free-staged. Trying to get a laugh. I'll break these girls. It didn't help, actually, as well. They're all wearing, like, you know, your... We know what they wear.

Yeah, the Lululemon, Lululemon, like, outfits and everything. Everyone looks perfect. And I was wearing this red T-shirt, which had this superhero that's the big flash. Oh, yeah, Shazam or something? Yeah, Shazam or whatever. Brian in his yoga pants and his Shazam shirt. Trying to get some tail. Not even trying to hide his big boner

while he's got his foot in her lap. When Viagra first came out before I knew how it worked, I really wanted to go on stage, take a Viagra and go on stage in loose-fitting sweatpants

and no underwear and never address my obvious boner as it started to rise from the Viagra. But I didn't know you have to still be stimulated. I thought you'd just get... Because that would have been great. There's early days. Holy fuck, it's hot in here. Yeah, it's pretty fucking hot in here.

Yeah. This must be all these stories of yoga. It's a hot podcast. Yeah. Yeah, Derek got some pussy. What? Yeah, you're always concerned, I think is the word. Yeah.

Like, is he lying? But she's the one who said it first. What? She told me within five minutes of getting here. Who is this? Wait, hold on. We need to back it up. Well, you know what? Let's save it.

Let's take a quick break because I need a cocktail. All right. All right. Hey, we'll be back after. What are you reading? I wrote some notes last night. We never mentioned the failed King Willie drink. Oh, yeah, yeah.

We'll get to this stuff. Yeah, don't worry. All right. Well, yeah, we'll do that as we make drinks. We'll pause it, and then we'll talk about some shit, and then we'll come back to Derek. Please hold. Hey, gang. Summer's not over yet volvo's wonder of summer event is going on now enjoy your first month's payment plus up to five years full coverage including wear and tear asterisk

on us leave early wander more stargaze do it all with a month on us. Leave early. Wander more. Stargaze. Do it all with a month on us. We'll cover at Volvo your first month so you can spend it doing the things that matter to you. Whether you finance or lease a new 2015.5 or 2016 Volvo. Double asterisk. It's time to enjoy the wonder of summer. Offer excludes 2016

XC90 and limited edition F60 V60 all-star vehicle. Summer! Oh, we're going. Alright, we're back. We're Negronied up and we're shit-talking Derek. Derek.

I don't know. We'll have to tape something later to put in that break right there. We'll figure it out. But we've had a few visitors. Bo Loffman was a perfect excuse to stop writing and come over. He's passing through. He's an Austin comic, and his over. He's passing through. He's an Austin comic. And his name's

Bo Laughman. L-A-U-G-H-M-A-N. And so you immediately disrespect him when you see his tweets. Like, Bo Laughman? Come on. And so when he showed up, I go, hey, Bo Laughman. He goes, no, it's Laughman. Like, that's great. It Bo Laughman. He goes, no, it's Laughman. Like, desperate.

It's Laughman, please. It's his real name. Like, you're a comic, and you get stuck with Bo Laughman. So, yeah, him and his girlfriend, Tori, came by. And on their way, they're moving to L.A., and they were a very pleasant company. on their way, they're moving to LA and they were very pleasant company. And, uh, and when I took my, uh, crazy trip to, uh, Japan and Hawaii, uh,

I had gotten an email earlier. People occasionally say, Hey, I'm coming through Bisbee. Like you gotta email me that day. If you're here and, uh, if I'm around, maybe we'll see. But don't come to Bisbee just to have a beer with me because I might not be in the mood. Well, two days before, you had not even booked the flight. Well, some girl had emailed me and I told her that. Like, hey, if you're in town, email me if I'm around. And then she emailed while I was on the crazy trip and saying that she was like camping somewhere because she said her friend has property here. I didn't know there wasn't a house on it.

So she was camping on some dude's property outside of town. And I just said, you know, fucking go. I'm in Japan or wherever I was or Hawaii. Just go to 212 and just see Derek and tell him to put you in the little house. He was the only one here, too, because we were gone and Bingo was gone. Everyone was gone.

But Derek hooked shit up and so, yeah, he I showed up 48 hours after still trembling from 48 hours of airplane drinking and Hawaii Roseanne bar drinking

and we had fight night like we had planned on the Ronda Rousey fight we're gonna be here for that so Chad's coming over I gotta fucking rally and I get here like noon on Saturday I get back and she's here and just this non stop flow of talking and useless information.

I told her at one point, I said, I'm going to get one of those abacus things they have over a billiards table. And any time I actually finish a sentence, I'm going to slide one of those over. Because everything you said reminded her of something she wanted to tell you mid-sentence. And everything she said reminded her of something she wanted to say. So she's not even finishing her own sentence. And it's just this barrage

of words coming at me. And she made it very clear that she all but was rubbing herself on stumps and you don't mean amputee stumps no she's immediately like something like

well I fuck this one guy and I fuck and I fuck and I just I fuck please fuck me fuck me anyone please fuck me I woke up with this dick in me weird she's just and then she's like yeah

your friend Derek is really nice I mean really he's a sweetheart he's so nice I fucked him don't tell him I told you like at what point when has Derek ever withheld Any information like that Like Derek

The first time he ever got laid in Bisbee He just kept talking about it And you had the same creeps As a grandparent Talking about having sex Elderly sex And he Yeah she told me I have a really big dick.

Like, uh! It's just like Grandpa Simpson in that one episode. What's so bad about hearing your old man talk about tics? Like, uh! Stop it. So, uh, so, yeah, and thank God

he had fucked her, because otherwise I'm responsible for, yeah, and thank God he had fucked her, because otherwise I'm responsible for, like, I'm the one who said you can stay here. Yeah. And then I'd have to be the host. But then Derek, you fucked her. Good. It's your problem.

Oh, yeah. Because I'm already on a 48-hour crazy flight bender going into fight night. So by Sunday, I'm a trembling, shivering embryo of a fucking old human being. What are you doing, Brian? Twitter, it looks like. Is he tweeting? Not to get involved. What a dick.

Anyway, keep going. Or try to keep going, and then the front row is fucking checking their Twitter. Jesus Christ. try to keep going and then the front row is fucking checking their Twitter. Jesus Christ. But we that Saturday fight night is

we're fucked. Chad Shank's here and this girl is just relentlessly talking. She's very sweet. I met her, remember, in Melbourne. That's the one. What? Alright, back up now. She's very sweet. I met her, remember, in Melbourne. That's the one. What? Alright, back up now. She was in Melbourne?

Isn't she Australian? No. Oh, shit. Oh, you're thinking of the girl that pooned the guy that owns the place that I won't mention. Oh, yes. Oh, it wasn't her. No, no. To be fair, he didn't listen to the first half of't mention. Oh, yes. Oh, it wasn't her. No, no.

To be fair, he didn't listen to the first half of the story. Oh, yeah, he was tweeting. Sorry. Sorry. Do you want me to start the show over, people? You just get on with your bit. We're drunk. It's fight night, and she's jabber-jawing.

And again, she said she doesn't listen to the podcast, so I have no problem talking shit about her. But she was very sweet. She's someone who's like a perfect Super Bowl because she's pretty good-looking, she's tatted up, she's a social DTF. Only one of those things is true that he just said. Because we suspect she does listen. I had to get extra drunk that night just to hang out around her.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, what I'm saying, at a Super Bowl party, where you can just walk away to another group, but she's always chatty, so if there's some lonely person there, I'll talk their fucking ear off. Might get your dicks sucked later, too. Against your will. What the hell?

We're podcasting. Knock it off. It was one of those handicap the compliment situations where I at some point guessed she was 44. And she went, I'm 34. I'm like, oh, well, you're pretty good looking for 44. If you can keep where you're at for 10 years, you got no problem. That's where I'll agree that was fun was she took a joke and she didn't leave.

A lot of other people would have just left. Stuck around for more. We qualified the buyer early and realized she could take a punch, so we started throwing them hard. That's because she thought she was going to get her fire put out again by Red Adair over here. So, and again, any time Derek gets pussy,

you just don't want to hear the details. You don't want to imagine him in that situation. It's kind of like you want to hear about the details, but only in the same way as those Mexican death ballads. You know what I mean? You want to hear it. I already imagined him in that. Just looking at him,

I imagine him in those situations with a child on a fucking schoolyard. He's got the thousand yard pedophile stare. he's got the thousand yard pedophile stare do you not remember we had to listen to him fuck on an air mattress on top of the fun house oh yeah that's why we saved this till you got here because I knew you'd have more memories

yeah that's right they set up an air mattress on the deck of the fun house Derek just shouted in we weren't fucking on the roof no he was clear he said an air mattress on the deck of the funhouse. Derek just shouted in, we weren't fucking on the roof. No, he was clear. He said an air mattress. We were torturing the shit out of him. Now that you bring up the air mattress, I remember even

Kenny was running up to the top and peeking and trying to figure out and put a finger in her. We sat there for like two hours. Oh! Shitface, just trying to figure out how to ruin their day. Like, should we get a hose and make them think it's raining up there and just spray it up on the top deck?

She didn't need that to ruin her day. She already had her memory coming. She had some weird story where she's she's just going out on some like endless vacation she left south southern california isn't that a good cocktail name she had no cash she's doing everything on her credit card like she's jacking up her credit card that's called on the lamb yeah it's what it sounded like and uh so sunday i wake up and she comes in all cracking a beer, just like my friend Evan in L.A. Oh, yeah.

Cracks a beer first thing in the morning. She's got that alcoholic gut where you go, if you've never had a baby, wow, you really put something down. Oh, no. The tattoo covered most of it, Brian. Oh! Oh, God. But she dressed to amplify it.

The bippy top. Half shirt or something? Yeah, I don't know. Whatever it was, the gut was always apparent. And so Derek got her out of here quickly. Sunday morning. He's like, I'm going to bring her over to my house.

Was David Tell in town too? Sorry, that was a rock of me. So she left town, and that was a couple weeks ago.

Still haven't found the body. Derek. Derek. Two weeks. Derek said the other day, he said, Hey, can you help me get a plane ticket? I'm like, yeah, sure. Where are you going?

DFW. Dallas-Fort Worth. What are you going to Dallas for? He goes, I'm just going to hang out with some friends and ride roller coasters. I'm like, you don't have any friends. You have friends here, kind of. Kenny's kind of your friend. You guys bitch at each other like old women.

Yeah. But you don't have friends in Dallas. bitch at each other like old women yeah but you don't have friends in dallas and then i go what's when okay what you're going out when and uh all right what's the return he goes just one way whoa all right what kind of ploy for attention is this and then he says i I think I'm going to be driving back. I don't get that. I said, well, no, he's going to be driving back. I know he doesn't have a car in Dallas. Really? And then I put it all together.

I go, you're going to fucking bang that chick on the road. Yeah, he's going to do road work. But how did you get a car out of it? No, she's driving. All right. All right. All right. She'll be driving him back. But is she coming back?

No. What is she? No, I mean. Oh, for good? Likely. You think she's going to be living out at Betty's in his room? Yeah. Does she have gardening work that needs done?

Oh, that's a fucking cold one. Where is Derek? Where are you pretending to not listen? He's right there. He's going to be opening 40s yelling over your gate every morning. So we'll find out what happens with Derek. That's awesome. So when is this happening?

He's leaving tomorrow. On Monday. Wow, this is like a cliffhanger. It kind of is. Yeah, we'll see what happens to young Derek. Yeah. What rollercoaster? I think it's the rollercoaster of love.

Syphilis. Syphilis. He comes back all milky-eyed and sore-riddled. Oh, yeah, that's right. She kept spouting off about how heavy she was bleeding. That's the bed

you're staying in, Hannigan. That's right. I forgot that. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You mean from women's processes or Derek's enormous dick? That was my first joke. The first time she brought up the fact she was bleeding.

After the 11th time in six hours she brought it up, I had no more jokes. But my first one was about Derek's enormous dick. Made her bleed. In fact, I think that's the... I made that joke before I knew he actually fucked her, and that's when she said, yeah, he actually

did fuck her, but he said not to tell you. I guess he wanted to tell me himself over and over with graphic indecent details that made you squirmy. He was waiting for the manga to arrive. Or he didn't

want you to berate him on a podcast about it. Or that. Well, you get his big dick plug in there. He loves that. She said I had a really big dick. Maybe she normally fucks kids. If the kid's waiting there, I'm all ports this honey.

Yeah. Maybe she's one of those errant school teachers. All right. What else do we got? I'm done fucking with Derek. I had notes from last night, but... Oh yeah, let's address that. There's a fine gentleman.

I don't know. I don't have the fucking... Are you blowing into the mic? Nope. Okay. Well, that's weird. It just stopped. I don't know. These are not my notes. They've tidied up and I can't find anything. All my tubes and wires. Have a look.

No, that's not. Those are all old ones. It was the guy that sent the... You sure we didn't talk about the Dutch Negroni guy? No, he didn't. He sent these things, too. I can't find the fucking letter. It doesn't matter.

I swear to God I had it. I got this one. This is it right here. Is that it? No, it's on a small paper like that. Oh, yeah. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Some guy sent us the makings of a Dutch Negroni, which is some kind of orange bitters. Some kind of orange liquid, I assume, would take the place of the Campari, and then something that they use to sterilize wounds in a battlefield ER to take the place of the gin. And he sent me the two bottles, and thank you very much. It was very nice of you. And they arrived. They weren't broken.

From Holland? The Netherlands? The alcohol is. He's not. Oh, right. But he flew from Holland to San Francisco with the bottles. Oh, he was from Holland. And he shipped the bottles.

I don't know. I just know that the note said that he flew with those to San Francisco and then shipped them from San Francisco. Yeah, it said he flew from San Francisco, but it didn't say from where, from what I remember. I don't know, because he sent these things, too, and I think he has a company in the U.S. Yeah, he sent us... If you order merch,

you're going to get one of these. Until they're gone. They're these plastic credit card holders, but they do say Bisbee Killer Termites on one side and Gentrify Bisbee on the other, and it's great artwork. I don't know anyone who uses plastic credit card holders.

Maybe we will. Never really saw. Yeah. So I give you a plug, but I can't find your fucking letter. And it doesn't matter because I don't think people are going to go, hey, what was the name of that plastic credit card holder guy that you said prints stuff on plastic credit card holders? The point is I'm not shitting on your plastic

credit card holders. Was it Mike? I don't fucking know. I'm not shitting on your business. I'm shitting on that alcohol you sent. I saved those special for when Chaley came home so we can have Dutch Negronis. Mick, thank you.

It's Mick. You're right. And then we made these up, and it was – I can't remember the last time I actually poured out a drink. And it hurt to just, but it was... It had all the makings of something that was going to be delicious. So then what we did is we took out that one unpronounceable thing that's supposed to take the place of gin. Bachem?

I think it was... I think that was the brand name. Yeah. The way he wrote it out, it was, yeah, what is... Light batch gin or something. It was... Light grain. Light batch gin or something It was So we put gin back in And then we used the orange bitters

And That was still fairly terrible And I didn't Pour that one out I just slammed it Because we made it small Since we know now we're in dirty water Baby steps And then

So Then we just replaced dirty water. Let's take baby steps. And then, so, then we just replaced the orange stuff with Campari, and your dry vermouth with sweet vermouth that we put in our Negronis. It's perfect. And, yeah, then we put the gin in. Exactly the way

we always do, and it was perfect. So we took your recipe, and we just manipulated it just a little bit and we made a perfect negroni that we call a dutch negroni now this is a dutch negroni it's exactly the yes but you do understand how that's very linguistically funny because you know how we use Dutch as a prefix for things. Well, so you think of things like you say if you're splitting a bill, you're going Dutch.

If you drink in order to lose fear, we call it Dutch courage. This all comes from the Hundred Year War between England and the Netherlands where Dutch was used for anything that was shit or cheap. we call it Dutch courage. This all comes from the Hundred Year War between England and the Netherlands where Dutch was used for anything that was shit or cheap. So when you call it a Dutch Negroni... Oh, a Dutch oven. So when you call it a Dutch Negroni...

I'm sure at least one person... He actually used that joke in his letter. I remember he said... No, no, I read the letter. He said, here's the two parts for a Dutch Negroni. You can get the driver mooth yourself. That's part of the Dutch part. So he already used that joke. Going Dutch.

Thank you. You know, it really is. He took everything that could have been a Negroni, took out what was the good part of it, and then gave us what was left, which was a bitters that had somewhat of a taste and a gin that didn't taste like gin. It tasted like someone ate an orange peel and then threw up in my mouth. Just a hint of orange. Just a hint. It was fucking terrible.

Of all those drinks that we made during the 30 day tin can rehab, nothing even came close to that bad. I would like to drink a grasshopper again, that creme de menthe in the cream with the egg white. Egg white.

Yep. All right, should we take another break? Yeah. I'm fucking sweaty as shit. Let's go outside. All right, we'll be back. So, Greg Chaley, what's going on with these new website merchandise specials? Is it Black Friday?

You might as well call it that, because we've got black and oatmeal podcast T-shirts in a special right now with a signed DVD, Deadbeat Hero. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars. Wait, there's more. We're throwing in two stickers a podcast sticker and a killer termite sticker a thousand dollar stickers how much are you giving this away are you kidding me price so low you won't even believe it every time i go to pinos altos to have a nice vacation chaley's giving away the store hey greg chaley, you know what? It's weird that we can't get my fucking

dates for my podcast up on the website, but somehow you're figuring out how to get merchandise specials. That makes me a little tentative about your whole angle, plus my smashed bumper. I think you're out to get me. So go to the website and check out these

sales, and if you're screwing me, Greg Chaley, I'll get you back. You'll be the last to know. So Hennigan buys a bike, unprepared, a pre-made bike in a box. Like shipped. And brings it, drives it out to Bisbee going, Oh, I figured I could get Derek to put it together. So Derek's putting it together the whole time we're in here shitting on Derek and his newfound love.

And we go out on the break to get out of this sweat box. And he has the brakes on backwards. And he's like like ta-da and he doesn't know that you don't squeeze the brakes underhanded with your thumbs while you ride a bike the guy's got a fucking rod in his leg

he can't even bend his fucking leg that's why he walks with a limp you think he knows how to ride a bicycle he's trying to turn the handlebars. I love it, Derek. Do it. He's trying to flip the handlebars. Chad and I look at each other and say, we're going back in. He took the handlebars off. He's going to

turn them around, turn them sideways or front ways or something when you just need to loosen up the brakes and spin them forward, right? Yeah, exactly. So they're where your knuckles are on the handlebars and not where your thumb is. Watch Derek and Kenny work together on anything.

The smallest project. They both... The mic just fell completely apart. I'm sorry, Derek. Derek tried to show off how he fixed it. He's been yelling the whole time, No, I get to turn the handlebars around. So he just picks up the bike to bring it into the funhouse to show,

and it completely fell apart like a cartoon. It's like a fucking car where the doors fall off and the engine drops. It's like a fucking Three where the doors fall off and the engine drops. It's like a fucking Three Stooges episode. That's okay. He's still arguing that he's right, even though the entire bike just fell apart.

We might have to take another break. On that sheet of instructions, go to the page that says square one. There's no instructions. Maybe that's where those extra bolts go. Don't disturb him. It's my fucking bike, okay?

Don't disturb him. We just did an entire fucking segment about him and his delirious pedophile looks while he poons a chlamydia carrier. Yeah, but that's motivating. That fills him with motivated joy. The typhoid Mary of HPV and him riding roller coasters, spreading their love. That's not one of those collapsible bikes, right?

I have to make sure he's got all the bits. What is he saying? He's got to make sure he's got all the bits. No, they're all connected to that cable. There's some on the bench over there. That was so funny. We were all looking at it. He's like popping a wheelie. Like, hey, look. Got it.

It just fell. Handlebars come out. Still in his hand. He's holding the handlebars and nothing else. Everything is in a hand. He's just standing there with it. Four pieces. He's holding the handlebars and nothing else. Everything is in a pile. Drop off. Oh, shit.

Well, he's holding it right now and the handlebars are still connected by the cables. It's like if someone broke a guitar and the strings are still holding it.

The strings are holding both broken ends. I had to get it right because I think it's fucking up. He's blaming us. I'll take it. All right, I've got to give a shout-out

to... To distract me, Henning decided to show me the thing where it shows this is where the handlebars go. That's not helping the podcast. No. Sergeant Ty Chapman, or T.J. Chapman.

Hang on. Reading glasses, please hold. Sergeant T.J. Chapman. I got a handwritten and colored with color crayons in beautiful artsy patterns. Is that a death threat? Wouldn't that be a great death threat? You did that on an album. How do I get a death threat on MySpace?

Why don't you just put it in a greeting card with a fuzzy bunny or something like that? Yeah, so evidently this guy's got the PTSD. Right. Your mom's a very nice lady, and she says you're a big fan and that you came back from Afghanistan, and you're not the same guy, and you're trying your best, and you're all fucked up.

And it was a very nice letter. And since I've been emotional lately, I've felt something like an emotion. And so, I don't know. Fucking suck it up, cowboy. TJ Chapman. Yeah. Well, Chad Shank has the PTSD because he was in the Army and he got yelled at. Yeah.

Uh-huh. And he still hasn't been the same. Never. Nope. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. I had a perfect life. Nothing's really gone wrong ever. Every domino has fallen my way.

I still complain. Yes, you do. Yeah. And so I really, I can't. She said that you're all upset about 9-11, and you were a kid when it happened, but you really never upset about 9-11 and you were a kid when it happened but you really never did forget 9-11 and as soon as you were old enough you went to fucking Afghanistan

that's just dumb hey are we that old? yeah everybody was a kid that's in the army holy shit yeah it's a three page letter I'm not gonna read the whole thing but uh yeah

yeah that's dumb yeah you didn't have to forget 9-11 like you're not gonna but yeah yeah that's dumb yeah you didn't have to forget 9-11 like you're not gonna is he still in the military? you can get it on YouTube you can still see 9-11 and stuff and not forget it

because it's still cool to watch you can get PTSD on YouTube oh yeah you can I swear to God. I've gone. I just did one of those binges. I did what fucking Kenny does. And Derek caught me on the laptop where I was supposed to be writing,

but I was just watching YouTube. Someone was fucking Shawnee told me one thing I should look on YouTube, and immediately it leads you into fights. Whatever you look at, it leads you into fist fight, beat down, schoolyard, fucking assault. Superman in Times Square.

It's either bad cops or fucking... And I just, I was on a five hour solid. And you do have like short stage PTSD. It's like clockwork orange after a five-hour bender. Go ahead.

I was going to tell you, the next time you do that, YouTube has actual standards and will remove videos. Do that on LiveLeak. It's all unedited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've talked about that before. Complete heads blown apart and for those videos from uh china the explosion videos on there there's like a parade of people with their clothes blown off and their skin hanging off in tatters trying to climb into

the back of ambulances and there's not enough room for all of them when the yeah internet first came out i'd watch that shit and then i just my my thin was skin was thinner and thinner every time now uh you you subjected me to that when you uh oh well this was die laughing was the album we were trying to come up with a a cover for it and you wanted a picture and you and I were on the phone talking, and I was going to help you because our buddy Rich up in Seattle was going to do the layup for it, like the titling and stuff. So we just needed a picture. So Doug was looking at a site called Rotten.com.

This is back – how long was that? That's the early one, yep. That was 2002. No, I taped it a month after 9-11. It was 30 days to the day. That was a while, right? So different internet now. But back then, this was all still pictures.

And I'm like, I can't look at that stuff. Doug's like, no, listen, I need you to look at, I got links to like the top 20. But they're all fake. This is a site that it's all fake stuff. This is all Photoshopped. That's what I was saying? That's what you were telling me.

And I was looking at it, and there was fucking, there were ones with people who jumped off of a building, and their head got caught on something coming down, so their head is the only thing on the fence kind of thing.

But you kept the whole way probably giggling on the other side. See, look. Not real. other side it's like see look obviously it's fake shaley but what do you think about this one for die laughing or this one and we ended up getting the one we did like a thousand that's the weirdest story just i found this actually joe vernon found the picture yeah of this dead kid autopsy photo and his lips are all carved out. So it looks like he's smiling. So it's a

dead kid with this weird, awkward Cheshire cat grin. So it's perfect, but I had no idea where it came from. So I made a temporary cover. If you have an original Die Laughing that says temporary cover with the dead kid on it.

So randomly, Christine up in Seattle, that girl, the perfectly good stuffed animals girl. Oh, yeah. We're at a bookstore. That's how hung up on this girl I was. I was in a fucking bookstore in Seattle acting like I was interested. this girl I was. I was in a fucking bookstore in Seattle acting like I was interested. And I find this

book. It was an old cop with all these crime scene photos that he had been on the crime scene. And I found that picture was in his book. Like, this is my album cover. This is it right here. He fucking wrote to the

publishing company asking how I can get rights because the cover of that I fucking hate. It was some artist friend of Rene that I had to. Oh, yeah. The cover that's out now. The cover that's out now. And I heard no word. Couldn't find them when I Googled back then.

No Google back then. Yeah, I could probably find them now. Yeah. But I don't know what the book was. You know, there's a... My brother, he has a special effects company in Seattle. And they do bodies and stuff like that. All this stuff for the Halloween industry.

And at one point, some guy or my brother gave that picture to one of his sculptors. And they have a head. And it's that head from that album cover, and it's called Doug. Oh, that's great. How have you never told him that before? I don't know.

He might have told me a thousand times. Or never. Oh. No, Tracy says he did. Brian stepped away from his fucking laptop for a minute. Now he's going to participate from a chair as far away from us as the for a minute now he's gonna participate from a chair as far away from us as the cord will go maybe uh hey uh tj uh i uh hope shit gets better steve drew he's

fucking here uh he's uh he uh spent some time with that shit over there and uh he's here he's been here for like four years he comes for football and he hasn't said anything he's here. He's been here for like four years. He comes for football and he hasn't said anything. He's never said a word. You know what? Steve drew it up. Just go to a party and don't say anything. That's how you handle your PTSD. Don't annoy other

people with your problems. Yes. I thought he almost lost it out there on that last break when he held up his drink and he goes this is a little sweet whoa settle down

everyone settle down that's what we're saying TJ just make the best of it and don't make your drinks too sweet what else have we got Jaylee we have a fucking police beat coming up best of it and don't make your drinks too sweet. Yeah. What else have we got, Shaley? We have a fucking police beat coming up. Merch.

Maybe police beats already happened. It already happened. We're winding down. Alright, we'll just say, hey, here's some more police beats. I don't know. Merch, we've got to edit this shit. We still got some Weeping Lesions t-shirts for sale on the website. I don't know. Merch, we've got... You have to edit this shit.

We still got some Weeping Lesions t-shirts for sale on the website. Those won't be around long. They will be on Derek, but not on our t-shirts. And then we've got the podcast t-shirts. We've got a special on. That special's still going on. And yeah, if you change the name, we're going to need some new artwork for a new T-shirt. Did you see where Norm MacDonald tweeted that Junior Stopka not keeping him on Last Comic Standing

was his biggest regret? Something to that effect. So yeah, that was nice for Junior. Because Junior did fucking kill on that. Who's that dog? It's a fucking someone walking by. We're going to have audio issues. Because Junior did fucking kill on that. Who's that dog? It's fucking someone walking by. We're going to have audio issues. We live in the fucking boons.

Why don't you go holler at him, Brian? Take your bike. Take my unicycle I wanted to bitch about Ray Dunovan but now it's Saturday night and I've had six days to cool off but the fucking Ray Dunovan if you watch Ray Dunovan it's obviously,

and not obviously, it's definitely stolen from Freddie and Pepper Roach. The Roaches, they're five brothers. I did telemarketing with them in Vegas, but Freddie Roach is the notorious boxing trainer. Manny Pacquiao's trainer. Trainer, who's got the Parkinson's and has been fighting that. The notorious boxing trainer. Manny Pacquiao's trainer. Trainer. Who's got the Parkinson's. Yeah.

Has been fighting that. He's from a family of five boxing brothers and a boxing father from Boston. That became... Pepper did a lot of fucking hard time. You just took that family and stuck a cool guy that's the wolf from Pulp Fiction as the guy to... It's completely ripped off. But no one knows them, so it's a non-starter. It's an homage.

No, I'm saying this fucking rant that I yell at, I have it playing in my head when I'm watching that. I watched the first season and a half with you, and then I never got back into it. It's getting better this season. Really? Yeah. That's nice. I was watching it with True Detective,

and they both have a fucking lead character named Ray. And I'm confused all the time because they're both on the same night. And I'm like, which Ray? Oh, wait, that's the other show. Forget it. It's like watching a movie with a girl in your head. Like, like bingo sisters.

I don't get that. Yeah. That's a, that's a story I haven't told. Oh, it's in the book. Carlos Morales sent me a book that I'll probably never read, but I said,

it might be good. Self-published. It's called Legally Kidnapped, The Case Against Child Protective Services. He was an investigator for Child Protective Services. And it's all about the scumbaggery. I actually might fucking read it. I don't know. He looks pretty young for a guy who has already done something.

Yeah. Did he spend six months in the child's... I don't know. Anytime you see a self-published book, it looks shitty. Just because it's self-published, you assume, oh, it must be no good. But I don't know.

See, I think the opposite. The Prince is... It's double-spaced, and so it's easy to read. It's not long. Maybe I will read that as an excuse to not write. But it gives people an opportunity to have publishing opportunities where they wouldn't, which most of them shouldn't.

I understand that. Well, it's the same as you thought when someone would give you a cassette tape, like a TDK store-bought cassette tape of their band, and you go, well, if it's on this, it must be shit. It might be great, but I'll never listen to it because you have your hand-scrawled own artwork. I would book bands and I would go see bands and they would give me something.

I was booking for a Coots up in Anchorage, cover bands. And granted, this isn't usually me seeing original bands which would be murderous to have to watch a bunch of original bands but they would give me something and like nine times out of ten it's all right but that one guy doesn't have a phone number or a name on the fucking tape who am i supposed to call tdk they're gonna night he's probably 94 or 95. Whenever, what's her name? Bud Friedman's daughter, Zoe.

Zoe. Was booking Letterman. I sent a micro cassette tape with my headshot, which was one of the four pictures you get on a strip from a photo booth. I had the little tiny picture and the little tiny tape to submit to Letterman. And she did write back something. Not our cup of tea? Well, I don't think she probably had a micro cassette player, but she did write back saying something like that. That's very funny. Sorry, this didn't pass the invigilator.

All right. Now it's time for Chad Chank and the police beat right after this message. We need messages. Hey, for those of you who know how this story goes because you follow me on Twitter, the fans paid for this. Yes, thank you, fans who made this possible. Fans, vasectomies, and abortions who made me be the man that I am with all the disposable income to hijack my niece and bring her to Australia on a whim

to meet Johnny Depp. How is that possible, even though I didn't work for seven months going into Canada? You, you parasite motherfuckers who make me work and buy my shit, thank you. Now that I've spent on my manic spree, now the depression sets in where you have to buy merch,

buy it, give it to thrift stores, give it to the needy, buy t-shirts, killer termites, t-shirts, Doug Stano podcast, t-shirts,

CDs, albums, cassette tapes. I don't care what you buy. Go to Doug Stano.com and go to the merch page and buy something so I don't care what you buy. Go to DougStanhope.com and go to the merch page and buy something so I can do this again next year.

And maybe it's you next time. Maybe next time I bring a fan to Johannesburg and we ride around with ambulance drivers because I just watched that documentary on Netflix. And it's horrific. So maybe we do something horrible to you.

Either way, my point is I couldn't do this without you. So maybe we do something horrible to you. Either way, my point is, I couldn't do this without you. I couldn't do this podcast without Greg Chaley. Donate here button. I think there's a donate here button that keeps Greg Chaley in town that gets this podcasting gear to whatever location I'm at when we have to talk. Thank you. And now back to the podcast, already not in the top 100. And now, it's Chad Shank with the Bisbee Police Beat. Chad, what's going on out in the mean streets of Bisbee? Doug, it seems several calls were received regarding a green or teal helicopter flying low in circles or no actual pattern over Old Bisbee.

The helicopter did not belong to any of the local law enforcement. And we're going to have follow-up on this because that's frightening news, and it just shows you the kind of world we live in right now. What else is going on, Chad? And we're going to have follow-up on this because that's frightening news. And it just shows you the kind of world we live in right now. What else is going on, Chad? It seems a subject in Hereford was reported as bragging about driving without an active license. Whoa. Loose lips sink ships, people.

Careless talk costs lives. Keep your cards close to your wrists. Yeah. Especially if you know you're doing wrong. Especially if you're around snitches, apparently. Yeah, that's why we have neighborhood watches. And listeners. Someone's listening. What else you got, Chet?

Finally, a caller from Mason Edition Road advised two subjects were trying to murder him with MRSA. He stated they snuck in and sprayed his clothes with MRSA. He added his clothes smelled bad and he wasn't feeling well. That sounds like MRSA. That sounds like MRSA to me. I don't want to get ahead of myself. Brian Hennigan, our Scottish correspondent. As somebody, you know, you've got some listeners on the other side of the pond.

What is MRSA? Oh, I have no idea myself, but I'm keeping on my game face. It's a highly contagious skin condition. What? Is it like flesh eating? I don't think it's flesh eating. Trace, you ever been in front of this? It makes your clothes smell bad.

What's the... And you don't feel well? Hold on. No think it's fleshy. It makes your clothes smell bad. What's the... And you don't feel well? Hold on. It's resistant to antibiotics. That's what makes it so ugly. But yeah, you get sores and stuff on your skin. Alright, so you should watch out for this, especially in the Dallas-Fort Worth area

if you're near a roller coaster. Okay. Okay. What else do you have out there, Chad? I don't want to leave you out in the streets too long. It's nice out here, Doug. It's okay. A woman at the laundromat told the person reporting that she would hit her as hard as she could with a fly swatter if she ever heard a specific story about the caller again. Let's break this down.

Because this one was so beautiful but it's written so confusing. I can read it in short bursts. Can we sum it up? A woman that was at the laundromat. Where's the laundromat? Between the gun shop and the fucking crazy house. Painting the picture.

Yeah. Wow. So there's a woman at the laundromat and she goes, this woman says that if I ever tell this specific story, which I can't believe they don't have in the police beat. So we can just every podcast. I would tell that story. She said, this woman's going to hit me as hard as she can with a fly swatter. If I ever tell this story again, that's what the woman called the police with.

And now we fucking desperately not. We do need Bisbee undercover, like someone like Bisbee in depth to find that person and find out what that fucking story is. Castle Rock private investigators. Kenny, we got to get Kenny on the job. Castle Rock, Kenny. Castle Rock, P.I. Chad, what else you got? A woman reported her vehicle was hit by a deer on highway 92

did the deer have a fly catcher i didn't hit a deer the deer hit me all state guy hey mayhem no that fucking deer hit me i had a green light Does anybody ever really hit a deer Deer always hits you A man with one arm And a blonde woman Were going through stuff

Behind the thrift store on Bisbee Road That's why we're remaking the fugitive It was a one-armed man. I bet she was going through it twice as fast as he was. You get all the good heavy things. Here, catch. Give me your hand.

A turquoise street resident requested extra patrol after finding liquid nails and a putty knife in her driveway. Is that something people use for drugs around here? It sounds like somebody was repairing her driveway. I don't know what she's bitching about. Liquid nails. Steel stone industries. Good work, Alex.

Maybe she didn't understand liquid nails. In her driveway, a nail would be a fucking bummer. If it wasn't liquid, for sure. But if she just saw an empty container of liquid nails, she's like, I ain't fucking backing out. I don't know. What the fuck? It's adhesive.

The shit the one-armed man stole from the back of the thrift store and left in her driveway. I don't need this shit. He can only carry so much. Go ahead. What else? What else is going on in the mean streets of Bisbee? On Silver Street, a male subject was seen hiding in a tree near the caller's residence. Police found a mule deer on the fence line.

That's how they do. They sit and they watch you, and as soon as you call the police, they stick a mule deer out there and make you look crazy. I'm not crazy. What's the word you're both saying? Mule deer?

It's a kind of deer. What? Yeah, we have animals and shit out here. Sorry, L.A. boy. We have animals out here. Mule deer. There's a deer in L.A. boy. We have animals out here. Mule deer. There's deer in L.A. I was afraid there was a shapeshifter in Disney.

You're not thinking of mule deer and Scully, are you? First of all, that was an alarming slap I just got. I hope audio picked that up, because at the end of Hennigan's joke, slapstick Hennigan wails Chaley on the back in the, ha, get it? I thought your lungs were going to come out of your mouth. I didn't get the joke, but I found the slap hilarious.

All right. What else is going on? All right. What else is going on? A Hispanic male threw a brick at the window at Ace Hardware and was last seen heading toward the wall. See, I don't know if that one means the wall, like the border wall. If he jumps over the border wall, he's back in Mexico. He can just go.

I guess that was a visual. Is there a wall out here? There's certain areas. Maybe they just meant behind the Ace wall. He might have been running for the Mexican border wall. That's so far. You wouldn't do something. Not from Ace Hardware.

Well, there's actually another one that's... In another police beat, there's a guy that was running down Highway 80 with no shoes and then fell to his knees in what seemed to be pain. I don't even circle that one. Go ahead. A Palominas woman

advised that she had two dogs that were too aggressive to her. She stated she is a small lady and the dogs jump were too aggressive to her. She stated she is a small lady and the dogs jump on her and scratch her. Those are her own dogs. Whiny bitch. That's her own dogs. It's not like neighborhood dogs.

Come shoot my dogs. My dogs keep jumping. Be a gentleman. Be a gentleman. Ow. Another smack. Two slaps. Bingo when we first got Ichabod, the first dog,

and she wouldn't let me bring him to the pound and wanted to keep him, brought him to some kind of, what do you call that, training dog? Dog obedience. Obedience class. And the dog was not obedient at all, but she picked up the catchphrase, be a gentleman. So the dog would run roughshod and chew up all your fucking shoes and everything.

Puppy shit. It was an awful fucking animal. And she'd just go, be a gentleman. It's not doing anything. So that's a catchphrase. But it made us laugh all the time. Yeah. Bingo just get back from... Alright, fuck it. That's for another podcast. Alright alright one more police beat

and let's wrap this up this has gone on too long in Palominus a man hired a subject to clean up his property and the subject took up residence there Derek all right we'll close on a callback that's a podcast play the matoid one day I decided That I didn't want to live

Without man anymore So I started to cook for him every day Hey, hey, hey Adding some spices Salt and pepper Hint of herbs and some red poison too I just wanted to make sure that he would disappear For good

Then he became ill But he didn't die because his love for me kept him alive He just kept on hanging on To his wonderful love Love is the power Love is the meaning Love is all you need It gives you the healing when you are in love.

You are strong. Hey, hey, hey. So I became furious Went out and bought a gun And when he was asleep I put the gun against his head And pulled the trigger But still he survived

Well he didn't die Because his love for me kept him alive He just kept on hanging on To his wonderful life Love is the power Love is the meaning Love is all you need. It gives you the healing.

When you are in love, you are strong. Thank you. Love is the power. Love is the meaning. Love is all you need. it gives you the healing, when you are in love, you are strong. Meaning love is all you need It gives you the feeling When you are in love You are strong Love is the power Love is the meaning

Love is all you need It gives you the feeling When you are in love You are strong