The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #94: Mr. Hennigan Goes To Burning Man

Episode Date: September 1, 2015

Mr. Hennigan goes to Burning Man to see what he could see.Recorded Aug. 19, 2015  at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -BURNING MAN-  http://burningman.org/SHIFT PODS - http://bit.ly/1O6bfhUComedian Chris Cubas - @ChrisCubasDave Mordal - http://www.92kqrs.com/WOW AIRLINES - http://wowair.us/Closing song, “My Heart Will Go On” written by Will Jennings performed by The Mattoid.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

And we're live in three, two, one. Welcome. You are on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Now, I'm on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Greg Chaley is on the Doug Stanhope podcast. And last but not least, Brian, the filthy, uncut Scotsman Hennigan, at Mr. Hennigan, is here as our guest. Hello.

And our burden. I am a burden. I'm a delightful burden. Yeah, you're not bad. Yeah, I bring weight. That's what I meant. I bring weight. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm substantive. Well, you bring ice and presents. Well, yeah, I always like to bring presents. I actually got another present for Bingle, but I left it in the other house. Aw. That's great. Can we get that? It Bingle but I left it in the other house. That's great. Can we get that? It's just a noise we put in.

I've got that saved. I just drop it in every time we need it. Guys! Guys! Guys! Brian's here. He's been here for I think a month or three months. What's it been?

It feels like three months. It's only been two days. But I'm here on my way somewhere else. You're going to Burning Man? I am going to Burning Man. Scrounging around my house trying to see, is there any of this furniture you're not using that folds up that you wouldn't notice was missing? Well, I had to ask.

You recycle or you go through furniture at quite a rate. So it's always good to ask if you're throwing out a dining set or something. Yeah, if we ever had a Katrina situation in Bisbee, I could put a lot of people up. I mean, just looking right there, there's two cots. I have no idea where they came from, if they've ever been used, or why they're even in here. But right there, there's two cots. I have no idea where they came from, if they've ever been used, or why they're even in here. But right there, there's two cots.

I can already sleep two on this podcast. That's right. Plus, right now, since the studio's being built, the podcast studio and the funhouse, it looks like you're getting rid of everything. Everything is in the yard. Everything's piled up. Yeah, under the patio.

You might not even recognize that something's missing until after he comes back from Burning Man. I haven't been over there. It's scary to me. I assume the furniture is covered. That's a big assumption. I threw some blankets on some stuff. I didn't mind you asked Reverend Derek to deal with this. Yeah, on his way to go get strange coos.

And I believe that girl puts the ooze in Coos. She puts the range in Strange. Yeah, it's great. He got out to Dallas-Fort Worth to meet her at the airport. We're sitting in here and someone's on Facebook

looks her up and notices she just posted 45 minutes ago that she got chucked off of Southwest Airlines and she'll never fly them again for being drunk. 86th is the term she used. Yeah, so we had to call Derek as he's sitting around waiting

for her flight to come in. She's not on that flight, Derek. Your little burner flip phone probably doesn't get Facebook. And she's probably too drunk to dial you to tell you if she knows you're even going to be there. We just could have called Dallas-Fort Worth Information and asked them to put a tannoy out for some guy with an unraging boner. Two limps. Old Derek two limps.

With Derek, he might have just found out that she's flying into Dallas and flew out there going, surprise. I got my thing for you. My other limb grew back. I got my thing for you. Ew. My other limb grew back. But again, there's a downside to this because you told me in advance what was happening and you said he'd only requested a one-way ticket to Dallas, which I thought, oh, great, he's going there for good.

But no, apparently he's going there for good. But no. Apparently, he's coming back in a car, which means she's coming back in a car. Because he doesn't have a car there. Correct. I mean, all his vehicles are here. Or he's not coming back. He's coming back. He's got the duster. He's coming back.

He doesn't have a garden. Maybe they'll be picking up her kids she never told him about. Oh! And the one he gave her. I would imagine her kids are probably about 23 or 24, given that she's 33. You did the math. So what's an old man like you doing going to Burning Man? That's kind of it.

I'm going on a reconnaissance mission for my own intellect. Yeah, I just... I mean, we've bought tickets before. Yeah. So I bought tickets for Burning Man for maybe three or four years in a row, and it's never really worked out in terms of what's needed or what's on the calendar or whatever. Yeah, we've been scared too.

Yeah, and Burning Man is on the... Well, also for seven years, we did our own Burning Man in May. That's calendar, whatever. Yeah, we've been scared too. Also, for seven years, we did our own Burning Man in May for five days in Death Valley at an undisclosed location. And one of those... Yeah, one of those

a year. It's like Super Bowl. You're not doing this fucking party again. It's way too much cleanup. Only there, it was mental. So yeah, after doing that in May, I'm not going to doing this fucking party again it's way too much cleanup only there it was mental so yeah after doing that in may i'm not going to you know 30 000 people and 60 000 60 wow um so um but you have bought tickets though you have thought about going you called me up and said oh we have to do this right away because they're doing it they do it like lottery style. Whatever, I'm sleeping. Bye. We can always resell them.

Okay, that's all I need to hear. And so then, your good friend, the Wieners, who are now just Brian Wiener, he's a big burner, as they call them. And I always think it's good to go with someone who's kind of familiar and is a made man, so to speak, in the mafia terms. Certainly smooths out a lot of the questions. So Brian Weiner kind of hooked me up. And so I'm in a camp. Yeah.

And, yeah, I'm just going to see what happens. Camp is like a clan where everyone stays in one area. Yeah. On the playa, as you recall. Yeah, it's kind of like, I believe it's like the opening scenes of 2001 A Space Odyssey when, you know, the apes are arguing over the watering hole

and that's kind of what I've got myself, I've gotten myself into the camp that knows how to use the tools. Oh, okay. All right, so,

but you don't, you don't use tools. No. I.e. drugs. No, that's interesting, yeah. A lot of people, I mean, I'll be honest,

almost everyone I've said, hey, I'm going to Burning Man this year has kind of looked at me and gone, I don't think so. You know, it's not, a lot of people have said it's not really my scene. Perhaps in fairness.

I think it is. I think it is. I think people don't understand what my scene is that's the problem yeah you know my scene is anything i can anywhere i can learn i like seeing things and understanding things i picture you in a broken down chaise lounge that you've been looking around the grounds to find for free just sitting on your laptop for five days with earplugs in. But again, I wouldn't have a bad time. No.

You know? And importantly, I've got myself a pod. You know? I've got this thing. I bought this thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. You showed me that. Yeah. I bought this thing.

It's called a shift pod. And it's like an executive tent, the type of tent you'd take to land on Mars. tent, the type of tent you'd take to land on Mars. And it's been built by these people who have been long-time burners. So they've made a tent that is specifically

for the conditions of the playa at Burning Man. So it's very heat-reflective, resistant to wind, etc., etc., and apparently keeps very cool inside. That's funny, because when you showed me that guy on youtube opening one yeah just basically like whap it open like opening a garbage bag and i i just it looked kind of like a flying saucer and i just thought of those black rock winds sailing you off into space and everyone thinking you're a ufo and filming rather than

getting help yeah no i've got the uh no i'm tooled up in terms of I've got rebar and extra rope. My little shift pod won't be going anywhere. Are you going to smuggle shit in? What does that mean? Well, you can't bring a lot of stuff in. Like no shell, like peanuts or anything with a shell. You can't bring nuts. What are you talking about? Yeah, there's a lot of things. It was a shell. You can't bring nuts.

What are you talking about? Yeah, there's a lot of things. It was a bunch of rules when we bought tickets. Are we the only ones who read those? You can't bring nuts. They have to be shelled nuts. You can't leave anything on the playa, and they don't want you to bring things that will contribute to garbage. They search your vehicle.

Are you getting an RV? That's the RV that's out there. Oh, that's the SUV. That's an SUV. Yeah. I mean, that's why I've got the shift pod. I don't need an RV? That's the RV that's out there. Oh, that's the SUV. That's an SUV. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's why I've got the shift pod. I don't need an RV. Are you leaving from here?

No. I'm driving back to LA and then up to... I think of Burning Man, and my first image is this sloppy Port-A-John Andy Gump with this paper that is wet and spilled out of it and starting to dry, like a tongue coming out of the front. And there's a long line to get there. There's a velvet rope, 50 people. You're lucky to get in it.

Right. This line is longer than the day is long. And you've held that shit for three and a half days. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can agree with all this, but bear in mind, I've traveled quite a lot in the third world, so none of these things kind of upset me that much.

It's upsetting if you've never traveled much. The U.S. third world is a lot different than world third world. Exactly. You know, I've traveled around the Philippines. If you've been to India. No, I haven't. Oh, well. Doug's always wanted to go.

He's always saying, how come Bill Burr's got gigs in India and I haven't. Doug's always wanting to go. He's always saying, how come Bill Burr's got gigs in India and I haven't? Some kid emailed me from India. There's a comic there. I'm an up-and-coming comic and you really changed my whatever. Nice email. I hope to see you in Mumbai one day. And I said,

I didn't even know they had laughter in India. I thought India was just all clutter, black market, organ transplants, and gang rape. If you see me in Mumbai, it's just because I need a liver donated. Yeah, I must admit, I've never really had the appetite to go to India. There's one of the last corporate jobs I had. There was this guy who's worked in PR, and he came back to the company, and he'd been to India for an extended holiday.

And he basically had, he picked up, because everyone says, you go to India, you pick up some sort of stomach malady okay guaranteed his one was genuinely like the stephen king novel thinner he they he went to every major tropical illness hospital in london and none of them knew what the fuck was happening other than he kept getting thinner and this went on for months. He could have died because I left after three months in the job. It was my last corporate job. I resigned it. And yeah, I forgot his name. Steve or something.

People out there listening, Google Steve and see what happened to him. It was pretty... Yeah, I don't... I don't have a lot of interest necessarily. And that's how I feel about Burning Man and even like Super 8 motels at this point. The longer I've traveled in my life, the more spoiled I got. And I don't ever, if I went to a third world country,

the first time we went to Costa Rica, we were living kind of third world-y on some of those places. Yeah, the first time I went in 2002. Oh, there's ants in here. Yeah, Third World. Whose voice was that? Unfortunately, that was me one night. I still slept in the hotel, but that was... So how long does Burning Man go on?

Well, six or seven days. Well, infrastructure is going on now. Anyway, Brian Wiener, he got me into this thing. This is kind of fitting obviously is that i'm in this camp called feed the artists and we actually turn up early and are part of the infrastructure that arrives to set up and take care of the people who are actually making shit that sounds like my friend anna i know i looked your friend anna up is she in that group no she's not in that group she is in a group that She is in a group like that. Okay.

Is her group listed on Facebook? I don't know. Okay. That was one of my ideas when we were going to go, is I was going to go up and recruit for the CIA, just wear a regular suit. Men in black. Yeah, some aviator mirrored shades,

just recruit for the CIA. No. But I don't have that look. There's a certain look you have to have physically that I could not pull off. Also, I'd imagine a lot of people would know who you were. It's that type of place.

Yeah. I get the impression you wouldn't be an unknown person. They're soft up there. No. Anyway. I can imagine

getting booed off stage quicker at Burning Man than a Klan rally. Hmm. I suppose it depends what you opened with. Yeah. What were you wearing? It's interesting because a lot of the preconceptions

I had about Burning Man, for some reason I had this in my head about this it might just all be electronic dance music and stuff. This year they've really clamped down on it, I understand, because they've said basically, we don't want this to be an electronic dance music festival.

Brian, I don't want you to look foolish in front of the kids. It's EDM. Referring to the music, do not talk about it like my mom would. Electronic dance music! I know, but I'm also aware of Doug's fans who might need it spelled out. Yeah. Believe me.

I will abbreviate anything. Fucking Ruthless Noise. Ruthless Noise. It's a great name for a band. Or a genre. Even on drugs, it's fucking terrible. Or a female lead singer, Ruth Less Noise. So are they going to have the Boston Pops this year?

I don't know what they're going to have. I don't know what they're going to have. That would be fantastic on Acid or Ecstasy. The one thing I do have a question about, and it's odd that it's come in my head, is I don't know how diverse the population is of Burning Man. I've got a funny feeling

it's mostly white people. Yeah, this is a white man's sport. Well, they're all painted up. You can't tell. Yeah. Well, I don't know why. What color is that fucking purple thing with the tail

and the afro wig? I think it's because I follow Chris Cubis on Twitter and Facebook. And Chris Cubis, who's a comedian out of Austin, he's got brilliant... Absolutely one of the funniest guys to follow on Twitter, too. Oh, absolutely, yeah.

And he's got a good way of making you think about the concept of white privilege in a way that doesn't sound like a fucking lecture. You know what I mean? It's more of an invitation to just consider something other than your own preconceptions of, oh, I'm not fucking,

I'm not, you know, I don't suffer from white privilege. And he asked, it's bad because I can't think of a specific question. Well, follow him on Twitter, people. Yeah, regardless of white privilege, follow Chris Cubis.

C-U-B-A-S. C-U-B-A-S. If you can't spell Chris, go. If you can't follow Chris Cubis. C-U-B-A-S. C-U-B-A-S. If you can't spell Chris, go. Yeah. If you can't spell Chris Cubis, I'm sure you can spell Jay Whitecotton, who knows him. Follow him as well. Right. Yeah.

So what you were saying. Yeah. So I turn up at Burning Man a bit early and get into the camp. No, you're saying about the demographics. Yeah, I've got a funny feeling it's largely white. Are you going to walk around naked a lot? No. Do you have costumes?

No. No, that's not true. I have got myself a couple of nice suits to wear that I don't care if they get badly damaged by the dust and playa. But they're suits. All right. Full on suits. A three piece

like vest. No, no, two piece. Just two piece. I'm not ridiculous. So you're going to walk around like a dandy. No, I'm going to walk around like a businessman.

We actually, if you remind me before you leave, I do have some burner suits. Do you? Yeah, I got a couple white jackets. Was it from when you were thin?

I know they were very picky. No, no. But it's the fucking desert. You could be a little hangy. No, I had these ones tailored. So they fit like... I've seen Brian recently in a suit. He's not going to wear one of your frumpy sleeves too long, one leg dragging.

All right. We actually call them burner suits. That's funny. If I wear this on a 72-hour funny flight and I spill spaghetti down the front of it, I don't give a shit. You leave it at the four points in Tucson. Yeah, the airport hotel.

Mr. Stanhope, we found your jacket. What was that? A lady. I don't know. We do a lot of voices, Brian. It's a whole character-based show. It's driven by... Yeah, sorry, Hanna-Barbera. I didn't quite realize that before I came on.

Melbank, blank, would have been better. Hey, you know, talking about the burner suits is because I got to get some suits tailored. I got another white jacket. I have like four white jackets. My point is, is when we wore in Canada, we wore those white jackets. That is like one of my favorite jackets now. And I want to, I mean, I don't have to do anything to it, but I don't have anything else to wear with it. Just the white jacket.

I liked my white jacket with that fake carnation. With the fake flower on it, pink flower. Silk carnation. Yeah, I started to love that jacket after that tour. And then that fucking some hog woman hugged me and smeared Tammy Faye Baker makeup all over the lapel. Was that a perfect imprint? So is it like a Jesus shroud? Yeah, it was a shard of Turin on his shoulder.

A shard stain. This is where the whore of Winnebago planted herself. They can plant it ourselves. Well, keep your eye out for Brian Hennigan at the Feed the Artists compound block. Again, I like it because there's some sort of purpose involved and it's very well organized. So fuck it. It's always better to be part of the infrastructure.

That's 11 times the size of Bisbee. The amount of people that are going to be there? Yeah. With about 300 times the GDP. Yeah, you should sell stuff. I know. But I'm thinking about rigging you up with overcoat with my merchandise inside. Like that hangs down?

Oh, you mean like I could be the one guy that's throwing, get your hands off me. I'll throw myself out in the middle of nowhere. Oh, you're setting up shop over on Highway 15? As soon as I read those rules, not only did I not want to go, but then I wanted to go just to break all the fucking rules. They just seem like douchebags. I think maybe I not want to go, but then I wanted to go just to break all the fucking rules. They just seem like douchebags. I think maybe I've talked about this, but I got an email from them when I was doing the man show.

The Burning Man. Yes. Unsolicited. I bet I even have it. No, I probably wasn't savvy enough to save shit back then. But it said, it's come to our attention that you're planning on coming to the Burning Man. And then just gave me all these rules. You can't film without permission if you want to film here. First of all, how did you hear that?

Wow. This is that one movie where you get convicted of a crime before you even do it. Yeah. I don't know if I said it on a radio show, doing morning radio or something, but I wasn't even doing much morning radio. All I know is that I had thought about going to Burning Man, because this is when we were starting to set up our own. And I got all these fucking rules, and you can't just show up here and film.

Who the fuck are you? I didn't contact you. We had a lot of rules. That's interesting. Well, what were the rules of the Panaman thing? No guns. No Panaman? No guns.

That was the rule. No guns. That's it. I don't remember that rule. Well, you wouldn't be someone that... You're from over there. That's true. I would never...

I never tooled up to you anywhere. Dave Mordahl would bring guns. He probably did anyway. He only came once, Dave Mordahl, and he stormed off. I remember. Probably because he didn't have a gun. We stayed at his house passing through that one time, and we went out to go shoot guns. And I went to go.

He asked me to go move the target or something, and then he fucking took a shot. What? While I'm walking to – I mean he shot in the opposite direction, but as I'm walking down range to move this fucking thing, which is – I didn't have to move anything. If I would have thought about it, why the fuck – no, you're shooting at rocks. There's no fucking thing to move. And he fucking scared the shit out of me. Is that why you have PTSD to this day? Absolutely.

Mordor-induced? Mordor-ind have PTSD to this day? Absolutely. Mordor induced? Mordor induced. One does not just walk into Mordor. I think he's still living up there in the middle of the boonies in Minnesota. And I think he's like a sidekick on a morning radio show. But via IDN line? ISD line, yeah. What was the show he had?

He was on Last Comic Standing. No, no, no, he had his own show, like a sort of... Oh, yeah, yeah, like one of those history channel... Yeah, what was it? Things doing crazy shit. Kind of like Bert's show, I think. Who's Bert? Bert Kreischer. Doing the trip flip, yeah.

I thought it involved more things like machinery. I think so, too. Yeah. But so, wait, wait, wait. You did, there was a year at the Panamint Springs bash where

a Hollywood douchebag was ejected because he violated what rule? Well, he wasn't invited. Ah, so he wasn't invited. Yeah, and then, well, we didn't eject him. He went on his way. That's the guy we played piss roulette with the first time.

Hollywood douchebag. Piss roulette, if you don't know, is where six squirt guns, five are full of tequila, and one has urine in it. And then you play deer hunter style Russian roulette against someone. So who was it that was that? Oh, I was the guy that played the first time against the douchebag, the Hollywood cunt. Who was the Hollywood cunt?

He was a guy that somehow Emery Emery knew, and that's why it's a little fishy, because he goes, I know that guy from the coffee shop by where I live. And why is he out here in the middle of Death Valley at night? Oh, he's just passing through. I saw this whole thing going on and he kept telling us how we could monetize it. And we're all tripping our balls off and you're talking

fucking pitch meetings. We're thinking of getting rid of money. And he's trying to think of how to collect money. But that's what Burning Man is. Getting rid of money. See? You walked into that. See? So was it the guy? Was it the DJ who was sleeping in the tree? No, this was year one. No, no, no. The good

year. Two. Three? I think it was three. Three. Yeah, year three. It was a good year. Coincidentally, the year I wasn't there. Purely coincidence. Emery was there with the... He brought the aristocrats for a secret screening before it ever came out. And

also had the TV mounted in the backseat of that truck. They were playing gay fisting porn just for anyone who happened to walk by and notice. Yeah, that was the good year. So there were rules. The best year. There were rules. Like no talking about monetizing it. Well, we made that one up on the fly.

Well, that guy was just a douchebag passing by. He wasn't one of us. Who was the guy that was put on trial? That was the douchebag. Yeah, that was the douchebag. And his crime was douchebaggery. Well, yeah, that year we had a naked guy. Remember the guy who thought he'd shock everyone by being naked?

Yeah. And it was also the year that we did not get a hotel room because we waited too long. So we had to get the RV. RV, yeah. That was a bad year. That was a great year. That was the mescaline and Becker dressed as an egg. Yeah, it was still the worst year.

I remember because I had rented a PT Cruiser. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Glenn Will was good, though. Yeah. Yes. He good, though. Yeah. Yes. He was the defendant. Yeah.

The defending attorney for the D.C. Defense attorney. Yeah. So, Eric, would you ever consider doing another gathering, Doug? Oh, yeah. We should definitely have some kind of... Wait, when's Burning Man? We want to have another good year.

I don't get it. You won't be there. We're going to do it when you're away. Oh, I see. All right. Sorry, I'm often slow on the uptake. All right. I'm slow on everything, including cocktails.

So let's take a break. What were you going to say? I know that's right. Yeah, all right. Let's take a break. And here's a message from me. Hey, look who's here. It's Jason, or Justin, depending on what you want to call him, from the Shady Dell.

What? I'm giving you a live plug on the podcast. It's not... I want to know your new business hours, since no one seems to know when the fuck you're open. September, I'm going to be open. Shady Delve, you're going to be open in September. Come down, Vintage Trailer Park. Yeah, galore.

We've got trailer park trailers to stay in. Yeah, like vintage trailers. Yeah, 60s trailers, 50s. 50s. And a boat. And a boat. We've got a boat, a tiki bus. I got married on his yacht

yes yes you did uh that worked out well yeah marriages and divorces there just got lucky on that so we're both being fucked on that boat yeah both ends so uh yeah no i heard uh stocks is uh taking over uh managing is that true i think yeah i think i'm gonna hire her for it yeah she's uh i i'm fully behind it yeah and she wants to uh assume the role wholeheartedly dress up she wants to have like uh happy hours with people that come by there come on that yeah, she was actually... I think it'll be great. Motivating.

Like, yeah, I want to fucking be there with you. I want to quit comedy. I want to fucking... Just drum Justin out of that goddamn business. Get it. Yeah. Why does Bingo call him Jesus? It's theshadydell.com.

Go there. If I'm in town and you're staying at the Shady Dell, I will come over and have a beer with you. Yeah. That is a running thing. And if I'm around, I'm there. So starting in September, theshadydell.com. Look it up.

You can see the fucking trailers. When you say trailer park, you have an image in your head. That's the wrong image. And I always look for a reason to go there. Can I have my house fumigated? Well, I don't. For lice, let's say. image. Yeah. And I always look for a reason to go there. Can I have my house fumigated? Well, I don't... For lice, let's say? Wouldn't hurt.

Derek fucked some skank poon. Can we just have the whole thing tented? And I'll stay at the Shady Dell for three days. And I love it. So go to the Shady Dell. We're coming right back with more of the podcast already recorded. Well, we're coming right back with more of the podcast already recorded. All right, and we're back with the Doug Stano Podcast,

and we have Brian Hennigan here. And it's now time for the management meeting with Brian Hennigan. What's new on the business front, Brian? Doug, we get approached by a lot of people, and I always think it's important to bring these things up at a public forum so that you know anyone that contacts us through our very open access web page knows that they're being considered properly yes like yeah because we're unlike a lot of large organizations that deal with comedy we're completely accessible nike cracker barrel target grassroots baby huge corporations right we are like the bernie sanders of offensive comedy

in some respects yeah i write to bernie sanders quite often i always get a direct email back personally from him uh-huh even if i'm just doing drunk limericks in the middle of the night, he's like, yeah, that's a good one. That's a keeper. Okay, yeah. Bernie's renowned for his obscene rhymes. You should do this for a living. So, anyway, we got an email

flooded in from Grand Rapids from Ken Lutz. And Ken wants to know... First off, Ken is a... I need to make this very clear. Ken is a huge fan. Okay? Because we don't often get emails

that are from huge fans. He's a huge fan. Huge fan. Huge. What's the difference between a huge fan and a number one fan? 40 pounds. Gotcha. Boom. When are you touring the USA again? That's a common question, and when I need the money. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah, I got to get this act worked up. I'm going to spend it where it hasn't been spent, over in the UK and Europe. And then I got to figure out how to fucking write a new hour in Bisbee, Arizona that I didn't put on a podcast. Anyway, that's good. That's the first part of Ken's question. Second part,

he lives specifically, I believe, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He's got a couple of ideas for where you could play the next time you're there. That's always good. That's always good. Did he say Louisville, Kentucky?

No. That's a good market. No. How about West Palm Beach? It seems like a while since I've been there. Did he say Louisville, Kentucky? No. How about West Palm Beach? It seems like a while since I've been there. Did he mention that? That's always good in the upcoming winter. No, he didn't mention that. He mentioned Grand Rapids, Michigan. Wow, right where he's from.

But he knows the lay of the land. And he knows Doug Stanhope. He knows Doug Stanhope and he knows his locale. Alright. This is what's called local insight. We've basically got someone embedded in Grand Rapids who's giving us secret information. He knows the ins and outs. Yeah, he knows it.

So I hope it's a good offer. He says we should play, you should play rather, the Van Andel Arena. Oh, the Van Andel? Yeah. It holds 13,000. 13,000 in Grand Rapids. The last time we played Grand Rapids, I believe we were at a place called Dr. Grin's.

Yeah, which Dr. Grin's, I think, held probably 11,000. They did a last three rows. They stuffed them in standing only, so it was 11,800. Somewhere around there. No, no, it wasn't quite 12. It wasn't quite 12. Dr. Grin's Comedy Club. The big room.

Yeah. Did I have a good set? If I know I had a good set, I'd make the jump from 175 people in Grand Rapids to 13,000. He does have an intermediate. He's not going all in. He does have an alternative. Is that dumb? Yeah.

He's not an idiot. The DeVos Hall, that holds 2,500. If we had any fucking infrastructure or money man behind us, this is where we would cut from the podcast to me actually renting out the fucking Van Dyke Arena or whatever it's called, the Vin Diesel Arena in Grand Rapids and playing for 140 people in a 13,000 seater.

And then we turn up at Ken Lutz's door and give him an invoice. Dr. Frown. The other emails that have flooded in. Because we get a lot. This was a good one. Okay. And I always like emails that have a very clear in their subject matter.

And the subject matter here was idea for your own show. Ooh. Yeah. It's like free thinking on our behalf and it was from a guy called brian hang on i'm getting my pen all right go ahead and uh brian says hold on i gotta get my stenographer i'm licking the tip of my pencil hold on you get that little cap on so you can see in the light uh i think a show with you doug as a clinical psychologist would work well.

And funny enough, I thought I could see that working well. We did that one show where they had a psychologist interviewing. It was a regular thing they were trying to do that we never get the footage of because I thought it was – I really wanted to see it. I was really drunk and I thought I won. see it i was really drunk and i thought i won but a clinical psychologist on stage with a comic and interviewing him after after a set oh so they they watch the set take notes this is putting me in the the position of the psychologist this is brainy again this is clearly you in a fictitious role but playing a clinical psychologist and it was from brian i thought okay so read us out brian's synopsis of this idea okay here we go here's the message in its entirety

okay yeah everyone sit back grab a drink because this is in its entirety i think a show with you as a clinical psychologist would work well. Let me know if we can speak about developing this idea. Thanks, Brian. And then his phone number. Is there a PS or anything? No. Well, what more do you need?

Jesus, Cheney. Maybe a pitch? Oh, you're... No. I mean, I'm not really in showbiz hang on wait wait wait i'm on the sideline you know what when you're around genius you be you genius becomes you i just thought of a show with myself as an astronaut uh-huh wow uh and i'm putting that out there. If there's any buyers in LA, I am an astronaut. That's my idea.

Brian, set up the meetings. If you'd like to work with me. The thing is, when you put things out there like that, and I'm not set up to take the calls, it's pandemonium. Because my phone is just ringing and ringing and ringing. Wait. my phone is just ringing and ringing and ringing you know i'm a coach of a junior varsity high school football team yeah see that just lays flat i'm going back to astronaut or clinical psychologist does this guy have this uh with the writers guild is he who's he with yeah what company is represented i'll tell you who he's with he's with because you know that in la um uh it's it's kind of hip to have a a name

that doesn't sound like you're in show business so you know if you go to um the cinema you'll often see it's a very annoying trailer not a trailer like a um a part of the credits that comes on before the movie and it goes ding ding ding and it's roadside attractions yes and it's a very annoying trailer not a trailer like a um a part of the credits that comes on before the movie and it goes ding ding ding and it's roadside attractions yes and it's a very yeah there was a restaurant called like the boston public library that was a restaurant oh see what we did yeah so so you so a lot of and there's a there's a big production sometimes there's like four of them in front of a movie yeah there's a big post-production place called Trailer Park, and it has a fantastic sign up that's near the Roosevelt Hotel. But they're exceptional.

They're known, right? Yeah, they're known. The point being that you know how hip somebody is as a production company by how not related to entertainment the name of their company is. Further away from hollywood and sure enough brian has all the hallmarks hallmarks of fucking david selznick jr because his his name which is pretty inspiring is townsquarepainting.com okay and you can see what he's getting at here. We, the audience, are the town. And he is painting something inside of his square.

Yeah. Yeah, on the screen. Possibly not a square, maybe an oblong. And Doug will be inside that oblong. Hopefully. So did you track this production well yeah i did my production company down yes i did and he's gotten the extra mile because a lot of these people just you know they like they come up with a smart name and then they they then once you once you click on their fucking you know let's say it's called um you know beachside catering or something like that. And you go to Beachside Catering.

And then it's just the usual Hollywood garbage about pomade and square-toed shoes. We've developed this show for Vin Diesel and et cetera and so on. Brian has gone the extra mile. He's actually set up an entire company that does town square painting in a state that has the 630 dialing code, which is what I know. A lot of artists who sideline in painting because it makes them focus. It gives them a serenity. So maybe he's painting houses while he comes up with these ideas.

Like you should be a nanny. Or fur monkeys. He said, no, he doesn't get that specific. I hope you're sending these emails from a protected server, because otherwise hackers are going to get in there, they're going to find these ideas, and next year AMC is going to be littered with clinical psychologist shows from all your favorite comics. Lisa Lampanelli, she's the shrink, and she's solving crimes.

Eddie Pepitone. Jim Jefferies. Tell me your problems. He corrals your psychological problems with a boomerang. he corrals your psychological problems with a boomerang so okay at some point though I have to be honest

I started to smell a small rodent okay because on townsquarepainting.com there is one tab marked blog okay another shit day of fucking bays there is one tab marked blog.

Okay. So I... Another shit day of fucking bays. What's with the fucking bays? So I went to the blog and it was unfulfilled, shall we say. That is to say, the blog for Town Square Painting

is empty. Now there's only two possibilities one that this whole thing is a charade and that we have been wound up and had doug's expectations and hopes raised once again by some hollywood big shot who thinks he can just phone up or get in touch and make doug get in the fucking hamster wheel of productivity and come up with some fantastic show or we have in fact been contacted

by a guy who paints things in a town somewhere in America. You can't shit on his vision. No you can't what if i was a clinical psychologist what if we took this one step further and i became a clinical psychologist in real life and i looked back at that email and said this is where i got on track. I cured myself. I found my own demons through my own study of psychology. I threw out the bottle.

I put down the pack of smokes. And now I was helping people. And that guy would come after a long day of painting houses. He wanted to kill himself. Town squares. He only paints town squares. Oh, that's, I see. I see. He's a fucking specialist. Town squares. He only paints town squares. Oh, that's, I see. I see.

He's a fucking specialist. Town square paint. You know what? That saves on travel. It does. Yeah. Just move in downtown, and you just keep painting until it's done. You move on.

You're a gypsy. And that's his story. I lived my whole life painting town squares and now I came to you a clinical psychologist in the year 20,026 thought you'd be dead by now but here you are Doug Stano followed my vision

anyway that's a very important point and the problem is though he's kind of queered the pitch because holy fuck that's a brilliant pun you don't often get that queered the pitch because he said it holy fuck that's a brilliant pun i don't you don't often get that queered the pitch because queer the pitch meaning do you get that no so in the uk we say queer the pitch meaning you've altered the turf in some way so that the game is unplayable okay and queer the pitch as in pitch is a thing you do when you're, you know, trying to promote or present,

uh, uh, an entertainment. I'm still fucking lost. Okay. Okay. Let's move on. They,

uh, he did say though, let me know if he was drinking vodka earlier. That might be part of it. Yeah. He said, let me know if we can speak about developing this idea. So what do I tell Brian?

I would say that he should get on his private jet and fly immediately down here. Two words. Because we're also having the studio built as we speak. So we're over here in the bunker over at the quiet house. And that's being painted. We could do the whole thing on green screen. He could do the painting during the day, the pitch at night. I don't know.

There's an endless possibility. That's why I have management. I can't put all this together in my head. Forget talking about developing the idea. Just get on your plane. Just get on your plane. Bring us $30,000 in unmarked bills, unsequential, and bring your brush and your roller. Yeah, to keep up the facade.

Yeah. Green light this bitch. Let's go. Yeah. All right. Okay, good. That's most of the emails, the ones that are fit to read. What if I did liposuction?

See, I don't want to be derivative. That's in the medical field. If I go my own route. He might be able to connect. Lawsuit! Brian would come after us. All right. Do you have any other emails there that we can drag out a little less?

Okay, okay. Here's one. Kitchen appliance psychologist. No one's done it. That's stupid. Damn it. Thank God you don't have email. I one's done it. That's stupid. Damn it. Thank God you don't have email. I should be painting houses.

Interview request. Here's the answer. No. Hang on. Hang on. Let's back up. That was a little shitty on that last one. What?

You're not a dick for painting houses. That's true. It's the part of that email that gets you, let me know when we can talk about developing. Like, you don't have an idea. No, that was the thing. I'm not shitting on you for not being. It was the first part of a pitch,

and then it stopped. It was like, this is the scene. Ready, guys? Like, it's a great novel. It was a dark night. Let me know if you want to continue. Are you serious? That was, the pitch has to be something

who, what, when, why. Wait, I don't know. Who, what, when, why. I'm not even going to say his name because he's that fucking crazy. He might sue me if he found out. But the guy that originally painted our house, oddly enough, is a fucking crazy person. Beer lady. Now you know who I'm talking about.

Yeah. He painted our house because he was a handyman. And I'm like, do you paint houses? And he's like, well, I can figure it out. Wait, what's paint? do you paint houses? And he's like, well, I can figure it out.

Wait, what's paint? But he would come over and just have all these fucking crazy ideas. And I made the mistake of leaving bingo home alone on a road trip while the house is being painted. So he would come in with, he'd tell me jokes that he just made up. And there was so bad.

You didn't know when you're supposed to fake laugh. Oh, it's just, yeah. just made up and they were so bad you didn't know when you're supposed to fake laugh. And then the guy goes back out of the market and then you're waiting. But that was it. It was some double entendre that you couldn't even see in the joke where you'd have to spell it out

in these painfully awkward morning conversations and he'd just stare at you. I wish I knew a director who filmed like that so I could give you an example. It's like a blank film. He, uh... He, uh...

Last time he just tweeted all the time. Now you're going to just start taking pictures around while I'm talking to you? He took the first picture. Okay, uh... So, he would... At one point he came in while Bingo's alone there, and he said, I have this idea that I want to talk to Doug about, but I need him to sign some confidentiality papers.

I mean, this guy is already just a fucking nutcase. And she said, yeah, I don't know if he's going to do that. And I came home and she warned me. Again, he's painting my house. Where am I going to go? And eventually he cornered me and I go, I don't really want to hear your

idea that much. It's best if you just keep it to yourself because even these papers don't hold up in court. I once had a very similar – no, obviously not quite. That didn't get me out of it. Yeah. He still had to suffer.

Oh, yeah. No, no. Okay. Well, I'm going to trust you then. Oh, fuck. That's even worse. Yeah. I was hoping you had integrity.

This guy – and now Shawnee just hit me to this. integrity. This guy and now Shawnee just hit me to this same guy, Beer Lady, is in town. He has a newsletter that he writes by hand and then photocopies

and hands out. Like handwritten on yellow legal pad. The Bisbee News and sells advertising. Awesome. Wow. Poco bought an ad for $10. She got a square on his newsletter that he hands out. It was just crazy ramblings.

And Poco is a vegan restaurant, by the way. Yeah. But he goes there for their chicken burritos, which are faux chicken burritos. It tastes like a chicken. And so he hand writes his own ad. He's like us. He does his own copy. And he wrote in a vegan restaurant, now with chicken.

Yeah, he put in, he doesn't know he's eating fake chicken. He thinks he's getting chicken. He's like, proud to announce they now carry chicken for non-vegans. He's like beyond hipster. He's actually fucking hand-printing lithographic fucking... Like the mimeograph. Wow. Let's get an ad.

He's fucking crazy. Has to be said, though, the quality of beer delivery at the baseball games has gone down since his demise. Yeah, well, and the demise of baseball was what really killed baseball here in Bisbee. Bisbee killer termites.

I'm still working on that idea, people, for next year. If we can get just two teams and name this second team something different every saturday night just do one game not try to start a league like these stupid assholes just get make it like wrestling yeah where it's kind of theater yeah but it's not scripted in the outcome but it's scripted in a bench clearing brawl every fucking game guaranteed but then we you know all of us, all the football crowd, our crowd, will take the game completely seriously. If you blur the line

between reality, but you have the... You need 18 guys. But we don't need athletes, right? You need a few athletes. Real baseball doesn't need athletes. We need a guy that can pitch for sure. A guy to put it over the plate.

Right. Because we want hits. Right. We want a lot of hits. We want a lot of fucking scores. We want 50 to 75. So we need 18 people, which is not an easy thing to do in a fucking town like this. Now, in the playa.

But if we make it just a chaos game, and if you had just two or three personalities on each team, the other guys can just shag balls. You guys that are just out of high school. I would go in the outfield to shag balls if we had something happening. So it begs the question. That's where you make it. Why don't we do one game like that and just try and get one game next season? Well, yeah.

The key is the other team is like the washington generals that was the team that always played the harlem globetrotters does but for us that team will be a different name you just get uniforms with velcro so you every week you just put a new label on them it's the north korean team and i invest in nine Mo Three Stooges wigs. All tan. But this is where people are, this is where we turn it. People are always getting

contact saying, hey, I want to come out and hang out in Bisbee with you. This is what you do. You say, hey, you need to sign up a team. You come in a bus for a weekend. Your team will play the home team. You will... Absolutely not. Why not?

Because they'll be staying at his house. No, no, they won't be staying at Doug's house. I can... What do you call it? I can do due diligence on people who say, hey, I'm going to come by for a beer. Alright, well, let'm going to come by for a beer. Yeah. I can, yeah.

All right, well, let me check you out on the Facebooks and the internets. And sometimes I don't. I just take a chance. But not fucking nine dudes in a bus. No chance. Oh, yeah, but again, they don't get to come by. They only get to play games.

It's kind of rude. I can't be rude. I'd rather just say no. No, you want the same guys because you want them on the script. Like, all right, this shit's going to happen. You don't want people freaking out. They get fucking hit in the face with a pie at home plate and then start swinging a bat at a dude going, hey, it's a goof. Why don't you make it?

Why do you try to exploit people so badly all the time, Brian Hennigan? Why don't you make it traveling comedians? We talked about that. You could get a team from Austin. You could get a team from Portland. I talked to the congressman about that. He's saying all these comics that are into sports. We try to get fucking Brody Stevens down here to pitch.

He was a college legend. Bisbee, enjoy it. He could have gone pro. Yeah, no one wants to fucking come here. Oh, well. And yeah, we don't want nine dudes. Yes, that's true. We want the same nine dudes that can play.

And I mean play in both senses of the words play and not take it too fucking seriously that was the worst part about baseball is you're heckling to make it fun and uh some of them took it very seriously oh yeah most of them took it real seriously baseball players are generally gloomy i've said they're cops They're cops in a different uniform. They're fucking humorless, generally. They're not happy and high-fiving on the sidelines. They're just... So, yeah, we get guys that played high school ball here that are now just sitting around at the fucking Grand.

I'm getting back in the game, baby! Don't do it! You're going to lose your vision is what they said. I'm screwing up a couple sports here. So how does baseball stand in this town right now?

There wasn't a team for the first time this year. There wasn't a team. And we've had three different team names. It was the Copper Kings. In three years. Bisbee Blue, the Bisbee... Before the Copper Kings was the... No, Copper Kings was first. Since we've been here.

Then the Blue, but there was one in between. Anyway, the point is... Remember it? Miner, no, not miners. Ironmen. Ironmen. So yeah, Killer Termites. We could put them in play against a different team every week.

Border Patrol. We're not Border Patrol. Put them in actual Border Patrol uniforms. We're not baseball players. Exactly. Jesus Christ. The Border Patrol. I bet they are.

Exactly. Jesus Christ. The border patrol. I bet they are. There's another, yeah. They, if we could actually get cops or firemen or border patrols, yeah, sure, we'd do that. Yeah. But to get equally matched teams, even if they both suck, if they're equally matched to make it a good game and you just do one game on Saturday, don't try to make a fucking

93 game season in a town of 5,200. Three games in a weekend, yeah. 93 game season and a town of 5200. Three games in a weekend? Yeah. But again, I mean, what's that, you know, let's turn that negative statistic into fucking positive lemonade. That whole thing about how many

government agencies can arrest you in Bisbee. They can all pull together an individual baseball team. I think it was like seven or eight. Highway Patrol, there's the Cochise County Sheriff's. Yes. Then there's local police, Bisbee Police.

There's Border Patrol. Customs. ICE is different than Border Patrol. NSA around town? State Highway. If you could do... You know what? You could fake that.

We could fucking fake that. The first time I ever met with Tom, old man uh owner of the team yeah yeah we're not putting his last name in on purpose but thanks for bellowing it out i was because i was gonna give him shit he was he made the paper and someone found it and tweeted it to me that he was one of the people they interviewed when trump was speaking in ph. Really? That said, we need no nonsense politics like this. And it said, Tom from Bisbee was in a paper and someone found it. He goes, this is from your town? Some pro-Trump guy?

Well, that would be Tom. And I told him, all right, you do quirky things. Bill Murray, part owner of the St. Paul Saints. He'd do crazy shit. So I said, do prisoners versus guards like the longest yard. Oh, they'd never allow it. Well, fucking call

before you say they never would. They let them pick up, picked up trash up out in front of the Fisbee Park. On the schoolyard. On the schoolyard. In their orange jumpsuits. There's a fence

around the Fisbee Field at least.uits. There's a fence around the Bisbee Field, at least. Yeah. There's no fence on the outside. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah. So if they wouldn't do it, we could do it. Yes.

And just dress up like prison guards. Get every guy with a neck tattoo down at the Grand. You can buy those uniforms. I don't know that there's a law about it. I have a Border Patrol shirt. The guy yelled at me at Safeway. Some old crusty cunt

said, is that your shirt? You were on the phone with me. You were on the phone and he was interrupting your phone call to take you to task on whether you actually owned the shirt you were wearing on you. He said, is that your shirt?

I go, I'm wearing it. He goes, was it issued to you? I go, is it any of your fucking business? I was in my mood at Safeway, which is a bad place to be, because you can't talk like that, but he started it. And you couldn't find Holliday's sauce, so you were really upset. What did he say about, is any of your business? He just walked off in a huff.

Oh, gee. And I did say about any of your business? He just walked off in a huff. Oh. Gee. And I did say fucking right in that line. No, he did the right thing. Yeah. Susie, my favorite. Susie and Anna,

my favorite girls. Ladies. Nice women. Anyway. So, yeah, we'll work on that. My off season after our tour.

Yeah. And, I don't know, plug the dates that need help. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, the next we're going to be, yeah, we're adding Iceland and we're adding Amsterdam.

Yeah. So basically if you, oh, by the way, Amsterdam's not up yet. No. Special message for two towns in particular. I tried really hard to get a gig in fucking Cardiff.

And I have never met with such bureaucratic intransigence on such a local level as the entire town of cardiff and therefore midway through my planning or rather attempting to scale the fucking sheer wall that is fucking idiocy of booking in cardiff we had the option instead of going to cardiff we could just just film for Charlie Brooker's next, or rather, end-of-year review. So we thought, fuck Cardiff, we'd rather do Charlie Brooker. Yeah, sorry Cardiff.

I really enjoyed that last time. Henry Phillips got pussy in that town. I'll never forget that. That's how dumb they are. Yeah. And then the other thing was

yeah, we're not going to Liverpool because every fucking gig we've ever done in Liverpool has turned into the worst possible heckling, shouting. Really? Yeah. I thought Liverpool was good. No, you've done two gigs there. I thought Leeds was the one that sucked.

I remember Leeds sucking shit. The oldest theater-y thing. The people are matching the furniture. It was Liverpool. The first time I puked on stage, that was terrible. But then in the years later. Liverpool is one where we always got the follow-up messages. I'm really sorry.

All people writing and going, oh, shit, I'm sorry. A shame for their town. Yeah. I get those from everywhere, though, because there's always some asshole. If it's one or a couple assholes, that's light. And then those are the people who invariably, I'm sorry for that one guy. Don't make it a reflection on our town.

I didn't. I'm sorry for that one guy. Don't make it a reflection on our town. I didn't. I had a great time. I know you're never coming back because that lady spilled a drink. No. The good news is that Liverpool, and Liverpoolians will love this, you can travel to Manchester. He laughs at his own inside joke. I know it's footy related.

Of course it's footy related. We're not playing Sunderland, are we? No, fuck no. You've made a couple of mentions of that. Well, that's where I just made that joke earlier about this is where we cut to me playing a 13,000 seater with 140 people.

It was basically that. It's like a 2,000 seater with 220 people in it. And right and it was like the second night of the tour where i go oh this tour is not gonna go well and i haven't been back since because it didn't and i lost my ass and you go hey why are your tickets twice as much as last time that's why that's why they aren't really but the But another thing is, though, this is exciting. For everyone in the UK who can't make a gig near them, we've now got exciting places you can go to.

You can go to Iceland. That would be a great gig. Copenhagen. I love Copenhagen. What are flights like in Europe to go to somewhere like Iceland? They're pretty cheap. Well, yeah. Well, no.

I got fucked on that. We got to figure this out tomorrow. Let's be fixed. Yeah. You fixed it? Okay, good. Yeah. Well, from Amsterdam to Iceland, I get a ticket one way.

I get a ticket for $122. That's a three-hour flight. Jesus. That's here to Atlanta for $122. On WOW Airlines. Here's the fucked part. WOW Airlines out of Iceland,

they allow you a carry-on bag, one, that can weigh no more than 11 pounds. My backpack is yeah 15 probably but i have to throw out all my magazines my notebooks and my shaver but they're no different from let's be honest uh uh wait wait wait let me let me continue then okay so you get the one. If you want to check a bag, it's 54 euro. If you want to check a second bag, that bag is

108 euro. So two bags would cost you more than yourself. I like that. So yeah, that's bullshit. Since you're going one way from...

Where are you going from? That's the last gig, so... But you're going to Iceland, right? Here's my question. Hold on. You're going one way, right? No. So when you come back,

do they make you come back with Derek's girlfriend? And drive? All right. That's where they save their money. You know what i i now that i think of it the the gig is paying for a one-way flight for me to be there anyway the um the uh where a sponsor is whatever is like the um anyway one way is covered what are you just trying to get people to ic? The point is this, though.

They're no different from any of the... Southwest is a great budget airline, although it's not really a budget airline. But in the UK and the Europe, a budget airline is very different from Southwest. They charge you for everything that isn't you getting on the plane. Now, that's fine. Wow Airlines,

to select, if you want to select your seat and not just be given one randomly, even if they're shitty seats, minimum $4 just to be able to pick your shitty seat. But that was the same as WestJet in Canada. Yes, absolutely. And then if you wanted a better seat, there's $10, and then up to $60.

They have no first class, but they have double XL, like fatty seats, I guess. Do they? Well, it's leg room. Fat people aren't fat long. It's a double XL, but yeah double XL seat you gives you like seven inches of leg room the main thing is if you're going to if you're in the UK you can't get to Doug's gigs you can fly to Iceland because you're only going for one night what if people are in the UK and they're going to Iceland they only need 11 pounds to survive one night exactly yeah. Oh, yeah. All you need is 11.

You have pared down so much. It's a five-week tour. I'm pointing over my shoulder here. Bingo. That's right. Bingo is going to have to be fucking woodshedded into, no, you're packing carry-on carry-on, like under-your-seat carry-on, not US carry-on. We've talked about doing a tour where we just wear the suits

the white suits and we fucking go backpack, suits, that's it and we wash our underpants in the sink every night hang them in the shower I don't wash my underpants you buy the underpants that you would take on safari I already have my burner socks

cheapo from China socks that match the suits I'm bringing which I might pair down to just a suit. And that's it. I throw the socks away after I wear them. And by the time I get to Iceland, the last gig on the tour, the socks would be the major part of my. Yeah, that's the one you have to change every day. The bulkiest part of your load. Yeah.

So, come to Iceland. It will be a Halloween gig. Will it really? Pretty much. Yeah. Well, no. It's Friday. Friday we're in Iceland for the show. Saturday, the 31st, we're off in Iceland

for Halloween. I don't know if they have Halloween there. It's international. By October 31st, we're off in Iceland for Halloween. I don't know if they have Halloween there. It's international. By October 31st, they're probably all covered with fucking hoods and furry parkas and shit. It's cold there. It's Iceland. Yeah, but everyone celebrates Halloween. This will be a great test to see how whorish women dress up in Iceland for Halloween. Yes, but the thing is, Iceland's very progressive.

So they probably don't. They probably do. Progressive? Well, we're going to find out. That's true. This is a social experiment. This is really why you go on tour. A social experiment.

And then he flies back. Yeah, just like Brian Hennigan's going to Burning Man to read his laptop. And to yell at people and stuff cotton. Are we going to do this? Because we won't have a chance to do this again. Do you want to do this on the next break? Because we're not doing another podcast. I don't have it in me.

Your naturalization test. Oh. We'll do one more beat of that. No way. No? It has to be another one. Do another do one more beat of that. No way. No? Has to be another one. Do another short one. When do you take that test?

We'll do another short one. When do you take the test? Next week. Oh, shit. That doesn't matter, though. It's time. All right. Maybe coming up

on the next Doug Stano podcast is Brian Hennigan. You need to lead into it naturally, coming out of that one and go like, hey, we're going to end this one. I don't know why we have

to do that. I think scuttlebutt like this has a place. Chaley, I don't even know what you're selling for merch. Someone said I got a tweet or something. Hey, if there were... This is one guy. If there were signed things on the thing, I got a tweet or something. Hey, if there were... This is one guy.

If there were signed things on the thing, I'd buy them. I only mention that because it made me think, what are you even selling for merch? I don't plug your shit that pays for this podcast. The last of the Weeping Lesions Canadian shirts. Where are my 2Xs at? Collector's items for the 2X. Where's my Canadian 2Xs at? 2X items for the 2X. Where's my Canadian 2Xs at? 2X in the house. Fatties from Canada.

We've got the original podcast T-shirt designs. You might not fit into it now, but bulk up for the winner. Get that T-shirt. And then I've got posters. I found a bunch of posters. Oh, they are winter T-shirts, by the way, too. Winter T-shirts? Yeah.

Weeping Lesions Canadian Tour T-shirts. Oh, yeah. They're winter t-shirts, by the way, too. Winter t-shirts? Yeah. Weeping Lesions Canadian Tour t-shirts. Oh, yeah. They're winter t-shirts. I'm going to add that to the description. So we also have a bunch of posters that I found in the crawl space. We were cleaning stuff out. You cleaned out the crawl space? No, you said, yeah, go down there and you can sell whatever's down there.

And I found a bunch of stuff. So I'm going to have a bunch of signed stuff coming up. Oh, and you know what else is coming up? Fuck, by the time this podcast comes out, it's close. I'm selling all of my football helmets on eBay. Since we have to redesign the studio, yeah, those football helmets had to go. It was that or other fun shit. So they're going.

So I'm selling all of the football helmets on eBay individually, all 32 teams. And this will really be – you know what? Here's what I'm going to do. Really be... You know what? Here's what I'm going to do. Whoever... Whatever team sells for the most money, whichever football helmet sells for the most money on eBay,

I will be a fan of that team for the entire season. Okay, let's... Hold on. Wait a minute. I know. It's a... I'm doing the math as I say it because the towns with the most money are the teams I hate the most. That could be Pittsburgh.

No, they don't have money. But fucking New York, the Giants. Any New York team. Or fucking Dallas. Ooh, Dallas. Rabid fans. Yeah. Are you signing these helmets?

You know what? I'll sign them inside the helmet. Because when I bought all these fucking things on eBay, you'd find all these signed helmets. I don't want Joe Theismann smearing a beautiful Redskins helmet. I don't want that scrawl. So I'll sign them on the inside, if you ask. Actually, I'll do it ahead of time.

Just tell me anyway. I'll do it up in the fucking crown of the inside of the helmet. These are like you said, some of them are bigger than the other ones, right? Yeah, a few of them will be on eBay. I'll have the details. That's the great part is the only one I have that's actually worth money is the least popular team in the NFL. Really?

Based on attendance. Recognize that icon? Yeah. It's the Jacksonville Jaguars' original helmet. And this is a player's helmet. Wait, is it? Read that warning sign. You don't have readers.

Do not use the helmet to butt, ram, or spear an opposing player. Okay, so it is a player's helmet. Yeah. Oh, it feels like it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, look inside. It's got the NFL logo. Yeah.

So when the Jacksonville Jaguars came into preseason in their first year playing, they had these helmets, and the logo on it, it's a silver helmet with a Jaguar logo from the fucking hood of a jaguar and uh jaguar sued them and they had to change their whole helmet very quickly before the regular season started so these helmets this is a player's helmet uh that was discontinued immediately in a hurry it's the entire profile of the Jaguar logo. It'll be on fucking eBay. They'll see it.

But the point is, yeah, I love that that's the only one that's worth a lot of money. Because I'd much rather root for the fucking Jaguars. What's the oldest one? The old? Most of them are just riddled replica elements. One season, you just started buying them. A couple of them. The Bears and the Raiders are the same logo,

but they're like... Because a lot of peewee leagues and high school leagues just take on... Where are the... Paxton Patriots. And then they had the Patriots helmet. Okay. So there's two that are like uh full size but inside fit a kid

uh so yeah anyway that'll come out merchandise donate to chaley because uh i was i had a paid sponsor this week and they sent me free product and i went i'm not fucking pitching this this is a shit product and then then i realized, that came out of Chaley's pocket. Yeah, I'm being honest to a fault. I won't take a shit. Oh, wait, that's Chaley's money. Would I lie for Chaley? Nah, we'll get another sponsor eventually. Buy some merch. Thank you very much. I gotta go. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 7 1, 2, 1, 2, two, and one, two, three, seven, yeah! Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you've gone on Far across the distance

Spaces between us You have come to show you've gone on And near, far Near Far Where you are I believe That the heart will Go on Once More

Open the door And you'll feel In my heart My heart will Go on and on And yeah Swim baby swim Let's have sex in a car

In a car. In a car in a fucking boat. Right on baby. Love can touch us one time And last for a lifetime I never let go till we both are gone Love was when I loved you One true time I hold you And in my life We'll always go on.

Yeah. Hey, listen, listen. If I were a baby, I believe that the heart will go on. And once more you open the door And you hear in my heart My heart will call Oh, the Lord, the Lord You're a little girl Just like me, like you, like you Let me go Let me go There's nothing I can't

Not believe That the heart will Go on Will Spill What There is a way And it's true

In my mind My heart will Go on and on Thank you. Welcome home. Thank you.