The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #95: Is Hennigan more of a citizen than a 5th grader?

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

Is Hennigan more of a citizen than a 5th grader?Doug's eBay NFL Helmet Sale begins Sunday Aug 6 at 2pm PST and ends on the following Sunday Aug 13th. Helmets will go up about every 10 mins.For the helmet that sells for the most overall, the winner will have an invite for two to Bisbee for Doug's Superbowl party in February and he will adopt that team as his new favorite team for the season. Link will be tweeted when live and available on DougStanhope.comRecorded Aug. 19, 2015 at the Quiet House Bunker in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -Aspectek - Insect Zapper - http://amzn.to/1hSz42LNATURALIZATION SAMPLE TEST - http://bit.ly/1FigLJgClosing song, “Yuri Gagarin" performed by The Mattoid.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by a bug zapper. I have a bug zapper in our temporary home over here at the Quiet House where I've been writing my book. And as the new studio is coming into, what's a big word? Fruition. I was going to say fruition. I just fucking, I seriously, the last email I sent, I'd show you, but it doesn't work for airplay. But afterwards, some guy went, there's some long thing about the podcast. Is that going to be annoying or not?

I love it. Yeah, that pop you hear is the pop I hear for the last three months in the back of my head with this bug light because this place is lousy with mosquitoes and flies and gnats, and I'm bit up every night. So I bought a bug light zapper, and it's sitting there with this, now by now, with this mound of bugs underneath it, dead bugs, because I don't clean up. There's a flash like an M80 going off in the dark. It's great.

Yeah. It's disconcerting to other people, but it's made me write so peacefully. Every time I hear one of those motherfuckers die, I'm filled with joy. And the room is delightfully void of a lot of insects. Not enough. Not enough. You'll keep hearing that pop. Thank you. What's the name of keep hearing that pop. Thank you.

What's the name of the company? I don't know. It says... I got it off Amazon. It was... Aspecta? Aspecta? Spektech. Spektech. Yeah, we're brought to you by any bug... Anything that kills bugs.

Raid. Nuclear leaks. The Chinese explosion at the chemical plant, anything that kills insects. What? I don't know how vegans feel about bug zappers. I don't know. I'm just trying to get back to where I was because you said fruition. And this guy just wrote me this long email about the economy sucks and his fucking kids can't go to school do you see that one he

spelled fruition in it uh f-r-u it's in it's in the folder podcast worthy because of his spelling i don't know just well yeah you guys oh scent. Just go to my scent things because he – fruition, F-R-U-S-H-W-I. Oh, wow. And then he wrote parentheses. I probably spelled that wrong. You can spell that more wrong, but he went with – What does that tell you when someone has glaring – All I did was write him back and wrote fruition.

I'm not a good speller either, but he's fucked that up so bad. You have spell check. My only response to him was fruition send. Oh, perfect. And that was the last email I sent, and you just said it. That's great. And I don't know what the fuck we're talking about. You were asking, you were looking for a big word for what would happen in terms of the new podcasting space being constructed.

And it's coming to fruition. All right. Well, whatever I was saying didn't matter. That's why we're here is because we're not over there. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. I don't do two shows a night. For a reason. Yeah.

Brian Hennigan. That's me. My Scotsman manager is about to become a goddamn American. He's taking the test next week to be a naturalized citizen of this great country. To be a naturalized citizen of this great country. So what he's given me is his booklet. Learn about the United States. Quick civic lessons for the naturalization test.

He's going to take his test, so we're going to quiz him right now. You're given that booklet by the government. That's what you're given that booklet by the government. That's what you're given. Let me see the cut. Along with a CD that has the same shit on it. In case you can't read. It's kind of like Rosetta Stone of being an American. I believe so. All right. If Americans knew what Rosetta Stone was.

Right. Because, yeah, Americans want to learn a foreign language. Yeah. Or just beat someone with one. Yeah. Ichabod, I just heard him. Oh, no, that's got to be Henry. Americans want to learn a foreign language or just beat someone with one. Ichabod, I just heard him. Oh, no, that's got to be Henry. Ichabod can't get through the dog door over at this house because he's got bucket head.

Ichabod had some tumors and growths removed from his head. I realized that when I spent 600 bucks on that fucking dog to get these warts because he'd scratch at him until he bled. Jesus. Oh, sorry. I thought you were Brian. You're fine. He'd scratch at these things until they bled. But then when I spent the money, I realized this is cosmetic surgery. You think so?

For a fucking nine-year-old dog? That was kind of my question. Was this all out of Bingo's labia thing? Was there some point where the whole household was like, hey, you know what? Now you mention it. I've got something that needs corrected. Yeah, I guess I did have the umbilical hernia.

And then being surgeries. But that's not cosmetic. It was for me. It was really gross. Yeah. Well, I mean, it wasn't going to kill him. Well, until Betty said that necrotizing thing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, if it went... If it herniated or... And then Bingo got the labia reduction. It's the opposite of cosmetic, because nobody could see he had a fucking... Yeah, I have a thousand reasons to not take off my shirt that are grosser. Whereas Ichabod's, you know... That was the cherry on the pie, though.

Uh-huh, yeah. Ichabod's face was all fucking cherry, no pie. And so therefore you had to... He was kind of warped. It was a thing that was becoming grotesque. It wasn't like he was turning down pussy or anything like i mean i don't quite understand why he said i know i thought of that once i saw him with a bucket head i go that dog would much rather have giant growths on his fucking head well he did have a tumor under his eyelid that they didn't find till they started

doing surgery oh they're poking around but But yeah, poking around for more business. Yeah. I'm just happy we have a new veterinarian in town, and I wish I remembered your name. I'd give you a plug. Not that that would help you on any level. What we're going to do with Brian Hennigan right now is we're going to read some of these questions. Oh.

I read two, and I go, really? This is what you have to know how many pages it's very much like middle school even grade school questions that a everyone fucking knows them i i don't remember anything i found a couple i don't know but you don't need to know this this is all shit history class where you go oh oh, when was the War of 1812 fought? Why? Like a guy coming in from fucking Islamabad or wherever?

Is that a country? No. It's a concept. Yeah. How many pages in the book? Let me go to the end. Like of questions. Oh, there's an English test.

Brian will fail that. There's 100 questions. So I'll go. 100 questions. Yeah, we're going to see how Brian does versus if we could get Bingo out here. That'd be good. Do I need another mic? Nah, she doesn't like it when I make her feel dumb.

Bingo, do you want to play with us? Yes. All right. like it when i make her feel dumb bingo do you want to play with us silence yes all right when do we celebrate independence day fourth of july what year see i should have pre-screened these i'm just i want to let people know what here yeah he looked at me he looked at me like do i need it okay but doug here's the important point as i've as i've had explained to me by i've got naturally i have a very decent lawyer his name's chris wright he's out of woodland hills and uh i'm believing that name and uh the point is that you need to have someone to advise you of what the protocol is. And the important thing about the protocol

is that a lot of the people you're talking to in the interview, they're just relieved that you speak English. Because they might be dealing for most of the day with people when you say to them,

what was the question you just asked me? Taxi or Uber? No, no, no. That's what the Nigerian guy gets. The 4th of July one, the 4th of July.

Day of independence. Yeah. When does America celebrate the day of independence? If that person just looks at you and goes, what, what day? What? It's like,

you know, I speak English fairly well, and therefore the person that's interviewing me might be kind of relaxed about the whole interview. He speaks Scottish like a fancy lad, but he does English pretty well. By the way, in this country, Brian, never forget, you already

forgot the first question. What? What are you talking about? It's a 9-11 joke. Chaley tried to branch out. See, 9-11 was a thing that happened. Hey, when was 9-11? That's in the test. I saw a joke.

Is it really? That was one of the questions. All right. Let's bang out a few questions because I did get on Twitter and asked people to ask questions that might not be on the exam. We'll get to those at the end. Alright. I'm blocking the answers from myself.

They have the answer in the book so you can memorize the 100 questions. So it's like a question and the answer right underneath it. It gives you the question, the answer, and then a lengthy explanation of it. But you only need to know the answer, and then a lengthy explanation of it. Oh, really?

But you only need to know the answer. All right. Bingo, if you will sit over there. Oh. Bingo's all right. Come over. Sit next to me, Bingo. Come over here.

Before Hennigan answers, if you know... No, no. I'm not. No, no. I need help. I'm horrible at history. If you know the answer, don't worry. We all don't know a lot of these answers no no no

no not yet we're not making funny not yet not yet i want to get genuine questions i'm going to be asked next week he's getting he's becoming a citizen of the united states but these are a hundred quests we're not doing all hundred i'm just going through randomly. All right. Brian Hennigan. Yes. Raise your hand if you know it. Okay. But these are for Hennigan. Brian thought you meant raise your hand if you're Brian Hennigan. Brian. Brian.

What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803? I know the answer. Go ahead. The correct answer is Louisiana or the Louisiana Purchase. The Louisiana Territory or Louisiana. I could be frog-marched onto an airplane at that point. I'd mark you down for that one. Guantanamo, here you come.

All right. What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He, I'm not making a joke of it, he ended slavery. No, he didn't. He freed the slaves. Hey, what's the answer, Doug? Freed the slaves, saved or preserved the Union, led the United States during the Civil War.

All those are correct answers. All right. Here's one that I think only Brian Hennigan will know because he read this fucking book. Go on. We don't know this. What did Susan B. Anthony do? Oh, she worked for emancipation of women. Suffrage?

Yes. Fought for women's rights. Yeah. Fought for civil rights. I had no idea. So I guess I, now that I know that I'm Scottish, finding my grandmother's birth certificate.

From 1886. Yeah. I'm going to have to move over to fucking the Hunter Square. You're going to have to throw yourself out. Yeah. I'm throwing myself out. Abdicate.

But the interesting thing about that was, and I'm not joking, for the longest time until, I can't remember what, there was some, I thought Susan B. Anthony was some sort of soap star I'd never heard of

on something like Days of Our Lives. And that she'd set up this thing which campaigned about breast cancer. And that was genuinely who I thought Susan B. Anthony was. Susan something Coleman. Yeah.

Yeah. And then, uh, when I had to review this thing, it's like, Oh, she was an actual historic person. Who was the president during world war one?

Woodrow Wilson. No. Yeah, no, it is. Is it really? I'm sure it is yeah

where do I get to go Guam Oregon first of all these are the questions again middle school grade school

history class shit that you're forced to why would you care if some guy's coming over from fucking Syria with a fucking winking eye and a tremor?

If that's what you're trying to keep out. You think a fucking terrorist doesn't know this? Whatever immigrant you're trying to keep out. Well, he did know Woodrow Wilson. Let me ask you a question. Yes. Fuck you. No. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question yes fuck you no let me ask you a

question let me ask you a question give me three questions if I said to you in a bar I'm a fucking huge Patriots fan yeah okay who was their quarterback in the first Super Bowl that they appeared in? Obviously, I personally don't know. I'm just curious. You know, like this idea that… I think Grogan and Tony Eason traded time.

Okay, okay. Grogan might have been knocked out. It might have been Eason the whole time. So curious this line of questioning. Rogan might have been knocked out It might have been Easton the whole time If we were to redefine Becoming a citizen Of the United States with Are you a fan of the United States Then maybe the questions

Might be different It'd be on that trivia machine right there That's what they should do 1984 trivia Install a bunch of trivia machines And have it be all electronic. Doug did put this out there to his peeps.

All right. And his peeps came in with some questions. And this is one of the questions that they think should be on the test. And I think it's legitimate. Name the four NFL teams

who have never been to the Super Bowl. I can name you that. I can. you that. Bingo, can you name it? No, Dolphins. Dolphins are the only undefeated team. No, I can name you. Do you know? I don't know. Can you name any? Okay, I'm sitting there.

I'm sweating. I'm under the lamp. Okay, I'd say... Okay, okay, shit. You're being waterboarded. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like Tampa Bay. Ben? Fuck! Lost to the Raiders? No, beat the Raiders. Okay, okay, shit. You're being waterboarded. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like Tampa Bay. Been? Fuck! Lost to the Raiders?

No, beat the Raiders. Beat their shit out of the Raiders. Oh, yeah. Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland is one? Ooh. Cardinals.

You get three whammies. No, Cardinals. Are you kidding me? Basically won a Super Bowl. They lost, but they were such underdogs. I consider it a victory. Give him a hint. Texans.

Texans. Yeah, that's two. Expansion team. Okay, okay. You have two whammies. You're going to get two more right before you get one more wrong. Or you get to call someone or ask Tracy. He's a hockey fan.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Hang on. Chiefs. Chiefs? No. No, Okay. Okay. Hang on. Chiefs. Chiefs? No. No. They were early.

Early. I think they were the first AFC team to walk in. Get out of my country. I'm walking the plank. Get out of my country. It's the Jaguars. Oh, fuck. Sorry.

I was just wearing their helmet a minute ago. And the Detroit Lions. Oh, come on. Big time losers. I know. That's my dream Super Bowl. That's like bucket list, wish list is a Browns-Lions Super Bowl because the other two don't count. Is that even possible?

Jaguars don't count. By the way, this Houston definitely doesn't count. Yeah, it is possible. This particular immigration officer had a follow-up question apart from the NFL, which is also legitimate. What should you not put on a hot dog? According to who? America. See, that's the problem. Everyone here has a.

Tracy will say ketchup. Trick question. Trick question. This is America. We're free to do whatever we want. Oh! That's a good answer. I don't have anything you shouldn't.

But there's things you shouldn't. I fucking would put anything on a hot dog. Tracy fucking says you don't put ketchup on a hot dog. She's wrong. What a fucking retard. I put ketchup on scrambled eggs. Ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, sriracha. Mayo is disgusting.

Are you kidding me? On a hot dog? Sriracha is wicked overrated. On a potato bun. On a potato bun with mayo. Here's the answer. Tabasco. Because you only put Tabasco on a radiation burn.

That's the only place that belongs is on a radiation burn. That's the only place that belongs is on a radiation burn because it tastes a little less burny with no flavor than radiation. It's shit. Tweet it. Tweet against Tabasco. Alright, back to you. What, this person, a very well

known Twitter personality called Jimbo Nojimbo at nojimbo.com. He also included Junior Stopka in his questioning, which makes me think there's a Chicago thing going on here. What is appropriate to drink on each coast and

in flyover states? What? What is appropriate to drink on each coast and in flyover states? What is a drink that's nationwide, that is okay to drink on each coast and in flyover states? What is a drink that's nationwide that is okay to drink everywhere? I have the answer. Well, vodka.

Negroni. Oh. No. No. Come on. We would fucking be run out of so many bars we play in. We would, but that is the appropriate drink. Whether they can accommodate the appropriateness of our request. I could shit on the Virgin Mary

in fucking Montgomery, Alabama on stage, but I go to the bar and ask for a Negroni. Oh, all of a sudden that check bounces. The answer is for your fucking very layman question, it's beer. Oh.

Okay. Some people are coming because they obviously care about who gets in. They've got specific questions. Who has the power to declare war? Congress. I think

it's the president. No. Well, that all got fuzzy after fucking 9-11. i did find that 9-11 question and what was the 18th amendment uh oh i uh shit uh the prohibition okay i think and then the repeal was the 21st see when you read don't read actual questions off of fucking Twitter. Do you have answers there so I can find out? Read the funny ones. Okay, right here. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, right. They repealed prohibition of the 21st Amendment. Okay, Ben King at Ben has failed question. What is the proper medical term for fanny pack related chafing? It's a funny question. There's no answer to that. Oh, I see. There's not? She wears a fanny pack.

Steve Zoe at Hobodog writes, name the years Samuel Jackson served as president. That's funny. Well, that's... Samuel Jackson or Samuel president. That's funny. Wait, Samuel Jackson or Samuel L. Jackson?

Trick question. But it's also a trick question in the sense that was there not a recent... Oh, Jesus. I didn't even realize Samuel Jackson was the president. I was going right with fucking Samuel L. Jackson. I think it was Andrew Jackson, but go ahead. Go ahead. Just keep going with your thing. Keep going with your funny thing you're trying to do there.

Name one state that borders Canada. I could name you a bunch. I could go across. I can go from- East to west or west to east? West to east. Come on. Of course.

Yeah. Obviously, you'd go- That's the way the wind blows. Washington? Montana? No. Okay. Okay okay Alaska No

Alaska No No Between Washington and Montana Was it Montana or the Dakotas No Montana you're right You go over the panhandle there I know motherfucker

Oh I forgot Dave Come on I forgot where Dave Fulton's from Sorry Remember we tried to stay in the Panhandle? It was fucking gorgeous, and every place was rented out. Unbelievable. We had to go stay at that shithole in that parking lot of the truck stop as a motel next

to Fred's Titty Bar outside of Missoula. That was a fucking horror. Let me see how far I can get. Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Michigan, and then I get fuzzy because it's the East Coast.

Well, there's the lakes. Then you get the Great Lakes. Ohio is there, but that's below Michigan, though. Yeah, but I'm saying Indiana, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio don't border. They don't care a lot, states. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even think Pennsylvania. I think you have to get into New York and Niagara Falls. Maine and New York are the last. Well, that doesn't really count. New York and Maine are the last. The important thing is I only need to name one of them. Vermont, New Hampshire. I only need to name one of them.

Name one U.S. territory. Guam. Yep. Puerto Rico. Do you have the other ones listed there? What are the other ones? U.S. Virgin Islands, American Samoa, and Northern Mariana Islands. In the Mariana's Trench Islands.

Question from Twitter Tony. Why was slavery abolished? Basketball. Oh, there you go. Why was slavery abolished? Basketball. Oh, there you go. Why was slavery abolished? I think that was a joke question. Slavery was a big problem between the North and the South, and the South wanted to secede from the Union,

and that's why we started the Civil War. That's why the Civil War began, because the North wanted to abolish slavery. Why was it abolished? Doug, have you seen it? How many Supreme Court justices? I know this. Yeah.

I know this because of Becker's joke back when we were first starting comedy. He'd go, trashing the public school systems. He'd go, yeah, how many people can name me all seven Supreme Court justices? There are nine, but just name me seven. That's funny. And then dead silence from the audience. All right, then.

How many people can name me seven people stranded on a desert island in a sitcom? You can name all of them. That's very good. Becker's very good can name all of them. That's very good. Becker's very good. I love Becker.

He's always on. Question from Randy Marsh. What did they do with Bingo's labia trimmings? Fajitas at the closest Mexican restaurant. Fajitas? What were the conditions of peace during the Toledo War? Who the fuck is that? The Toledo War?

Oh, some fucking lecture in Boston? Go fuck yourself. Yeah. There's no Toledo War. I don't know. Maybe there was. Maybe there was. Did you Google it?

No. All right. You're standing there perplexed. I'm waiting for more. I'm perplex No. All right. You're standing there perplexed. I'm waiting for more. Yeah, I'm perplexed. All right. What's the capital of your state, Brian? I live in California, so Sacramento.

But this state, you're in this state now. Oh, that's an interesting question. So I'm in Arizona. Oh, that's an interesting question. Fuck. I am going to see. Oh, fuck. That's a good question.

I'm going to say it's, fuck. That's a good question. I'm going to say it's not Tucson, and it's not Phoenix. So, therefore, it must be some other fucking shithole. I'm going to... Fuck. I have a guess. Oh, fuck. It's not Flagstaff. Oh, fuck.

I don't know. I've run out of places. Yuma. Get ready. No, it's not Yuma. Is it Prescott? No, no. I don't know of any other places. Yuma. Get ready. No, it's not Yuma. Is it Prescott? No, no, it's not Prescott. It's fucking Phoenix.

Is it Phoenix? Yeah. Not Tempe. No, he said Phoenix. A P is different than a T. Yeah, I'm just saying. In our language. I don't know where you're coming from.

Anyway, so there's probably nothing in here that you don't know. No, just read it and you'll know it, right? There's a bunch that I don't have any fucking idea. What are two cabinet-level positions? A little congressman? I don't fucking know. There's how many senators are there? Beats me.

Cabinet-level would be like Secretary of State. Education. Yeah. Don't ask Rick Perry. I like the question from bruce willies which native american tribe's blood was used to paint the red stripes on the grand canyon that's what i was looking for i couldn't find it i put out a dumb question like this and then you have every asshole doing inside jokes hey what is Brian Hannigan's dick taste like

alright so you gotta find to find the funny ones but yeah that was one I was looking for that was good work sir yeah Bruce Willis what is the rule of law nobody is about the law and everyone is answerable to it

yeah thank you that's a question from the thing yeah wow that's what they shout in ferguson so hey brian you've read that booklet right clearly a little bit not all the way through no there's something i got there was one or two questions i glanced out on the way over i thought oh fuck i have no idea. Well, that one was just, there's some that are so obvious, they're hard to answer. What is freedom of religion? Freedom of religion. You're right.

It's in the question. You go, is there something deeper? And then you look stymied and flummoxed because it's obvious. As it was explained to me, they want want you to pass and you only actually have to get six out of ten right six that's a fucking d that's a fucking d on a test yeah well we're a fucking d country it should be fucking ten they gave you the answers no it should be none out of none of these questions matter i did not read one fucking question that you should need to know.

How are you going to make a living? How many fucking kids are you going to produce while you're over here? What do you do at a stop sign? There you go. Explain the tax code to me. Why are you still in the

left- hand lane? Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous. All right. We'll be back with something after we refill our cocktails. All right. I told you about the football helmet deal. This is what's going on. We're building the new studio.

It will be done in the next four days. Unfortunately, when I built this funhouse, I got all 32 football helmets. Every NFL team was up on the wall, full-size helmets. And we had to scrap that to put this shit in so i am selling those helmets individually on ebay to help offset the costs of the new studio starting september 6th this sunday right around when you're hearing this at noontime pac Pacific through the next Sunday, September 13th. At the same time, each team helmet is being sold individually, autographed on the inside.

You don't want to see my shit scrawled over your fucking logo of your team. And what we're doing is whoever wins each individual team helmet, their name is going to go on a plaque in the new studio as a thank you for helping us. You diehard fans that keep us alive. Your names will be forever enshrined Hall of Fame style on a plaque inside the new Funhouse studio where we will be podcasting and watching football. The person who bids the most overall for a helmet, whichever team helmet sells for the most,

you will be invited to the Super Bowl party this February, which is not an open party anymore. Those rumors should have been squashed. I said it once drunk on a Rogan podcast like 10 years ago. Yeah, it's not an open party. It's a very private party.

It's more exclusive now that the new studio limits the seating even more. But you and a guest, whoever bids the most on the overall top-selling helmet, is invited to the Super Bowl party, and your team will be my favorite team for this entire season,

no matter how much I loathe them. If you're a fucking Giants fan, I fucking hate the Giants. But if you're the highest bidder I'll have to wear that jersey every fucking weekend when I sit in here watching football and I will have to tweet good things about your team and you'll be here to rub it in my face for Super Bowl is this Super Bowl 50 whatever it is February 2016 2016, whatever that, and we're doing a show that weekend, all-star show.

You'll get free tickets to the show here in Bisbee on the Saturday night before Super Bowl Sunday, and you'll be treated VIP style. And I appreciate all you hardcores who will do this, and enjoy your fucking helmet and uh enjoy the upcoming all-star podcast that will come out of building this fucking studio because it's beautiful beautiful

all right so uh we're we're back now uh mr Hennigan, at Mr. Hennigan on Twitter. That's me. Yeah, so let's assume that you passed this test. Uh-huh. Because you passed it here with flying colors. Not according to me. Except for the NFL. Not according to me.

Will you be able to vote once you're a citizen? Yeah, that's the whole point, frankly. Right now, I'm currently representation without taxes. I should be fucking throwing barrels of tea into the nearest harbor. You can do that. You're allowed. It's America. I'm in America. I'm also in Arizona. I'm not

driving to San Diego. I have no idea what that meant. Brian Hennigan's the one who said, oh, I can drink this much vodka and do two podcasts in a room. I'm starting with a shot. What's going wrong? All right, so you're going to vote,

which is weird because felons can't vote. No. And a lot of this shit would only get overturned. Drug laws. Well, yeah, a lot of the people. If there was a party, and there is, even Mike Kasich, the Republican. Yeah, yeah, a lot of the people, if there was a party, and there is, like that, even Mike Kasich, the Republican, he was talking about getting people out of prisons. That's actually becoming a topic, finally.

But think about it, Doug, because I know what you're saying. It's like, if felons or reformed felons could vote. It might shift the tide. But honestly, one felon, how many non-felons are below them that are – I wasn't going there. I was going to – we have 2 million people in prisons in the United States, one in 100 people. They can't vote, but the people in prison the families can vote yeah like if you can get that that's what i said and most of those people have extensive families you get them voting because you're gonna get that fucking dude out of prison or at least

make them think that yeah that's a huge five siblings parents children of a guy in prison. Hey, Jeb Bush, what's your problem? All of a sudden. Yeah. You think you could appeal to that kind of demographic. Tens of millions. Yeah. No, it spiders out.

It's insane. But what was the question? I was locked between. I was a Rand Paul guy going in, but he's got unelectable hair. He's there's a lot of things going on with the Paul family right now. Yeah, they're fucking completely unelectable. They can't speak. They stutter like I do.

There is bad at public speaking. speaking they're like me because they're so off the beaten path that there's so much information that they have to throw in into a soundbite what's with the dad doing the fucking infomercials money yeah why are you asking that no i'm saying like what like wasn't he never did anything like that before is he now on a forum that uh like like, on a level that he can present himself? Who knows? He's a fucking doddering old man. Like, that guy was too old 40 years ago. It's like, go to, what's his name?

Fucking Ron Paul. Ron Paul 43. What the fuck is that? Dot com? Yeah. But he still, Rand Paul still has things, you know, privacy issues that are not addressed anywhere else. He was the only person that basically spoke about that in any of the debates. Yeah.

Not that there was a Democratic debate. And Mike Kasich scored points. Again, I don't give a fuck. For the listener out there, I don't follow politics. It's like watching sports. Right. Exactly like watching sports. But you pick a team. I have a favorite hockey team. I don't watch it. It's like watching sports. Right. Exactly like watching sports. But you pick a team.

I have a favorite hockey team. I don't watch it unless it's the playoffs. I have a favorite football team in the UK. Proper football. Yeah. We did start watching that this year. It was good. Either way, the point is, yeah.

But I was a Rand Paul guy by default. And then Kasich was good at those debates. And then I'm a Gary Johnson guy by heart in the Libertarian Party. But no one's paying attention to him. And then fucking Bernie Sanders. Cursory glance. That guy's fucking great. Why?

Because he talks about things that matter. Again, drug laws, shit I care about. I'll tell you why I think he matters is that he's basically, the direct consequence of his election would be a rejection, not

of politics, but of the system. And that's why he's good. But can you actually be elected and then do something about the system? Isn't there so many things in place? Things that are on an executive level. Wow, all of a sudden we sound like, remember, we are drunk and have no fucking idea what we're talking about. Like everyone else in the world, we're sitting in a bar. Like everyone else in the world, you're sitting in a bar and if you're not drunk, save this podcast for when you are drunk and then come back and argue and yell at your fucking laptop.

Oh, here comes the vodka. I'm afraid to be more drunk. Good. I love both. Here's the minor contentious point would be I love Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump equally in the sense that I think both of them are the right answer. I like both of them for the same reason. It's interesting you say that. Which is that both of them say to the established authorities, in effect, fuck you and everything you've built up for the past 40 years. Love it.

You are an anachronism. And that's why you will not be admitted to this country. Oh, but again, again, people are overlooking something that really infuriates me about the Trump thing is they overlook his entire path to where he is. He will reject and spin on a dime at a moment's notice on any opinion he is. He will reject and spin on a dime at a moment's notice on any

opinion he has. I genuinely don't think Donald Trump has an anti-gay or homophobic bone in his body. He doesn't give a flying fuck. They all have money. Exactly. So he'll say whatever he needs to say to get elected or to get

to the Republican ticket and once he's elected he'll say fuck that. I see to get elected or to get the Republican ticket. And once he's elected, he'll say, fuck that. I don't give a shit. Isn't that exactly what every politician is known to do? Exactly. Except he's doing it without someone putting money in his pocket. He's saying whatever, whenever. Well, yeah.

Ego is once you have a certain amount of money, then you go, oh, this is just ego. This is just about me. But the politicians can't do that. They're still trying to fucking butter their bread way down the line. Right. And he already has all the power and more that they crave more of. The polls that were taken prior to the fucking far farce that was the fox debates which was just funny to watch the polls it wouldn't it would have been unwatchable without trump exactly so

and it is so far out that it doesn't make a difference so the polls after the debate when when the when the uh mediators are getting a round of applause from the audience. That's a fucking tractor pull. That's Arsenio Hall going, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, like whipping up the crowd. So the polls after the event, Trump is the only one who actually increased. Yeah. He increased.

All the, like the lower, the lower, the tertiary people, the lower end of that, they all stayed the same. They didn't raise, they didn't lower. It was just one of these things. And then there were a couple of ones that went in that actually went up a little bit, and two of them were from the pre-the kids' table debate

that they bumped up. But it is interesting that Trump not only went in there, and I figured he'd be eviscerated, he fucking, he rose. He made one very important point. Or sorry, he made two very important points. But one of the most,

the thing when he said, you wouldn't even be talking about immigration if I hadn't been an asshole about it. That was a really important point. It was 100% true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He took what they tried to,

they would have lambasted any other candidate. Yeah candidate who had misspoke at a fucking luncheon at a golf club. Every single fucking. And he took that and went, all right, now it's an issue. Okay. You wanted to fucking spear me with some. Now it's the number. He didn't capitulate.

He said this. Yes. This is what I said. And you may have misunderstood it, but this is what I said. He repeated the same fucking thing this is very the very substantial sorry no go ahead it's your podcast but the very

substantive thing he said that was actually legitimate was when he said the number one thing he would do with health care would be to remove the borders between states about how people can compete.

So that you wouldn't have, oh, well, we have this policy in Idaho, but we don't have this policy in fucking Minnesota. He basically said, you're coming- Wow, his borders are getting way off now. Yeah, but the point being that that was a very important point. When you're ordering from Amazon, you don't give a flying fuck about where it's coming from

or who's delivering it. Yeah. And that should be the same with healthcare. Whether you're buying a fucking microphone or you're buying healthcare, it should be the same across borders. And the only people who would care about that would be people who've been given subsidies

by healthcare and insurance companies like every other people on the stage. Out of my depth. I have no idea. If I had health care, do you think? The foreigner's right. This guy over here, the foreigner. He's right.

You know why I think he's right? Because he speaks with confidence. Yeah. I don't care if they mean it as long as they sell it. He's right. He's totally right. The thing about Trump, He's totally right. The thing about Trump,

he's actually entertaining. And that is important. Let me pose a question to both of you. A foreigner and a lifelong American here. What difference would it fucking make if Trump went

in and did four years? What difference would it fucking make if Trump went in and did four years? What difference would it fucking make? I think it would be hilarious. Would it really? Would the world stop? No, people with egos like that are fucking dangerous. Like, that is a guy who, if he did win, would be so overwhelmed with power, he would start wars because he would...

George Bush already did that. He already did it. It's been done. It's a fucking hack premise. There's no humanity to that guy. That's the problem. There is not an inkling. That is a sociopath. That is a guy, maybe not a sociopath by

definition. Hard definition. But he does want to be loved, unlike a lot of politicians. I think he does want to make money, and he does want America to be good. People love war. He would have fucking troops dying with the same, you're fired.

Sorry. Is it my fault? The shit he was talking about McCain being a prisoner of war. I think he honestly is not a hero. Not a hero. He's not a hero. He got caught. He got caught. I like my heroes. The interesting thing about the whole McCain thing, I must

admit, even I was taken aback by the lack of repercussions. Yes, the polls afterwards. The fact that the polls in the republican party what does that say about america people are cruel and they want their cruelty delivered vicariously so they're not the guy who said it i want to be a dick to everyone because i sat at this fucking conveyor belt for 40 years and i want someone else to suffer and fuck him.

This guy, he's my mouthpiece. He's being an asshole to everyone, and I've thought the same thing at time to time when my anger was misdirected. There's something, because there is a push and a fervor behind that guy that I cannot explain. I thought he'd be gone. I wanted to go here anyway, and I didn't remember until this is, we're on the same,

uh, page is, uh, maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should save this. This is one I should save till we're fucking sober. Tease it. Why?

The whole, uh, with the fat Jew thing. Oh, no, no, no, no,

that's another one. That's another one. All right. That's, we'll save that. we'll do it tomorrow. I would agree with you. Leave this shit set thing. Oh, no, no, no. That's another one. That's another one. All right. We'll save that. We'll do that tomorrow. We'll do it tomorrow. I would agree with you.

Leave this shit set up. Yeah, we'll go into that. I would like to go back to the... I mean, I was pretty much part of the fucking... There is a tie-in here. Oh, there's a huge tie-in. I can see where it is. Complacency.

I was part of the lean on the surfboard that turned the board towards the Trump rather than you originally asked for it, Sanders. Do you know how surfboards work? Yeah. And I

would equally be as happy if Bernie Sanders was elected. I just don't want anyone if Bernie Sanders was elected. Yeah. I just don't want anyone else other than those two. I genuinely would rather have either of those two than any of the others. Yeah. Bush-Clinton was so fucking boring.

Yeah. So boring. Jebus slipped so much that it's like a shocking. There's only so many installments of uh you know readers digest we become a dynasty at that point right i mean that they well that was i saw on uh newser today which i gotta fuck you newsers some guy from newser actually sent me an email going hey i heard you mentioned newser on your podcast it not going to happen again if you don't get rid of that fucking Cinegenics guy that's

Pumping iron. Yeah, every fucking click on a thing. Here's a 74-year-old man with an oiled chest. It's fucking disgusting. You should put fucking child porn. Whatever Jared from Subway was watching, you should put that on allegedly or

allegedly no he's oh really pled he pled guilty yeah yeah someone tweeted a great picture that walsh retweeted that i saw and i retweeted it was in a subway in like iowa oh man his last sandwich no no the the guy took the picture The guy that tweeted it took a picture. They had a widescreen, flat screen on the wall of the subway with Jared being convicted on CNN as he's waiting for his sandwich. He goes, hey, subway, maybe you should change the channel with a lot of hashtags, including you only had one job. That's very funny yeah so uh yeah there's a newser trying to like look away from that fucking guy every time that i want to bring that guy down i spend most of my day not reading do you me to put black tape on your screen? Fucking grotesque. To block it. Well, no.

Then it's on the top, and then the next time it's on the side, and then the next time it's in between stories. Marketing works, right, Brian? It's this here's him at 54, here's him at 67, now he's 74, and he's like an old man

turning into a gross hulk. This is the thing. That's fucking is an old man turning into a gross Hulk. This is the thing. That's fucking bullshit. Because would you want those pictures? It's me chasing you around going, look at my dick. Look at my dick.

Look at my saggy, gross balls. And I go old very quickly at the second desert party. That's why the third was the best, because we had a moratorium on Doug's dick. I don't know what rumors you can spread about Cetogenics. Or what my liability if I started them. Let's see. Yeah, if this was the UK, that would be a different thing. But in America, free speech has pretty much got domain.

Yeah, and until you get to liability issues. Slander. If I were to say xenogenics causes AIDS, that would be libelous. Yes.

But if you were to take that out of this sentence without context where I paused briefly before and after and then... Yes, that would be not...

Big announcement on the Doug Stample podcast. That's not on you. You go, who did that? I'd still be nervous if I was the uncut Scotsman. I wouldn't be. I am the uncut Scotsman. I'm so happy that I have zero computer skills, because if I had the skills of a hacker,

I would get sloppy, and I would have all the wrong targets. And, well, this is like war, and people are dying, and well, yeah, centogenics had to go first. I had to take those motherfuckers down, because that old gross guy

that ruins my newser. So I was reading something on newser before I went off on this. Not a sponsor? No, no. I'm against you until you get rid of that fucking filth that you promote. Unlike your sheets.

I don't know. I read something on Newser that had to do with an earlier conversation and that's it. Oh, okay. Well, none of you... I don't remember. Did you think we would remember what you read i don't even know what the fuck we're talking about user you saw something news about the fucking elections no but you saw bernie sanders maybe user yeah i was trying to get the

conversation back to bernie sanders no i was people are yelling at their dashboard right now it's this you fuck yeah 137 alright so did we figure out how the world works yet Bernie Sanders we know how it works Bernie Sanders or Trump there's only answers everybody else is a patsy

that dog won't hunt Henning cocktails It's a patsy. That dog won't hunt. Hannigan. Oh, here we go. Cocktails. All right. I guess we're going to call this a podcast. Why? Because these people have to go to bed.

They're listening. They're at work. They just got to work. All right. Well, we're done. Yeah, we're done. We'll continue this. Hey, if you go to the secret podcast.

Yeah. The aftercast. Someone have that yet? The aftercast? It's all afterbarcast. That's fucking bullshit. Let's just keep it Doug Stano podcast. Why?

I liked your Doug Stanhope show. I thought it was kind of a like a quick end to a bit, but at the same time, not saying podcast, you're right. It's because it's just ubiquitous right now. Podcast is everywhere.

Yeah, and it's a buzzword for unlistenable. Well, people listen to this one. Yeah, I'm saying. But new people coming into the flock, they see podcasts. Yeah. It's like the 80s with Comedy Club. Do you want to do video? We can do video.

I don't know. We'll see what the new studio looks like. Until then, let's drift this conversation into a dull snore off the air. Thank you for listening. And now you're going to listen to a song that we have

permission to play. Good night. There must be a place That nobody knows Hidden away Where nobody goes I'm gonna get there one day Gonna spend some time on my own Just drinking my wine Wasting my time

Watching the sky Drinking more wine Feeling okay No more wondering why Just knowing I made it all the way Knowing I made it all the way Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey Cause I'm gonna fly Just like Yuri Gagarin I'm gonna fly Just like Yuri Gagarin I'm gonna fly. Just like Yuri Gagarin, all the way. Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna fly.