The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #96: SWAPCAST with JT Habersaat and Mishka Shubaly

Episode Date: September 10, 2015

SWAPCAST with JT Habersaat and Mishka Shubaly.Doug's eBay NFL Helmet Auction is underway. Auctions end starting at around 2pm EST Sunday Aug 13th, 2015.The highest overall bid for a helmet will secure an invite for two to Bisbee for Doug's Superbowl party in February AND Doug will adopt that team as his new favorite team for the season.Recorded Sep. 08, 2015 at the new Funhouse studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), JT Habersaat (@jtstandup), Mishka Shubaly (@mishkashubaly), Ron Babcock (@ronbabcock) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -JTComedy.comhttp://jtcomedy.com/TheRoadPodcast.comhttp://www.theroadpodcast.com/Mishka Shubalyhttp://www.mishkashubaly.com/"I Can't Remember When You Were Mine" by Mishka Shubaly (Official Video) - https://youtu.be/r1OXLmmZAzkEMAIL JT TO BOOK A [e-mail] Buckhorn Saloonhttp://www.buckhornsaloonandoperahouse.com/Closing song, “Your Stupid Dreams" performed by Mishka Shubaly from the album Coward's Path. Available Oct 2, 2015 on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We could have just done an entire podcast. We should have just been taping your phone conversation. The fury. Yeah, that did crank me up. I didn't get to a level where I felt like I wasted it. But we are in the new studio. Not quite done, but close. We still get to put furniture and half of it and decorate it.

But the bar is in. The liquor shelves are in. The TVs are in. And I just get off of 48 fucking minutes with DirecTV. Because fucking Derek can't find the remotes. I'm not going to say he lost them. There are a lot of people in here over the course of the last. Not it. Yeah. So there's the remotes. I'm not going to say he lost them. There are a lot of people in here over the course of the last. Not it.

Yeah. So there's three remotes missing from DirecTV. So I had to call to get two new boxes for the new TVs to receivers and three remotes. Simple fucking deal. But no, they have to do them separately. Yeah, the remotes. I'm going to have to transfer you to someone else after you get transferred to another person to verify this order. I don't know why I didn't get transferred the second time

to verify the remote order, but it worked out. And there's nothing that makes you sound like more of a cunt than fucking getting off of a customer service call and then trying to explain how infuriating it is to someone else i had to sit on hold for like ever yeah well it's mad i don't know which customer service it was but right when i was about finishing the book i got in it uh someone i don't know maybe it was direct tv again there whatever it, I told the guy. I was just like, fuck you.

First of all, if they just eliminated all the manners, you would cut customer service in half. How are you, Mr. Douglas? What do you care? Let's get to the point. Just get to the point. We see that you have been a member of our customers since 2005, and we appreciate your business. Get to the fucking point.

That was actually the second prong of the balloon prank. Hang on. Let me explain who's here. That was quick. As well as Chaley and Chad Shank, everyone's favorite. Yay. Yay. We have JT Habersat, comedian

you have not been on before, have you? We did a swap cast in my backyard. Oh, and this is a swap cast too. And we did Mr. Heads. Oh, yeah, when you were gone. Last time in Tucson. With Brett Erickson. But not with you here.

But this is a swap cast. What is your podcast? TheRoadPodcast.com. All right. This will be our 100th episode, too. You are on the road, and everyone on the podcast knows Mishka Shabali. Yay. There's a

big round of applause in a car somewhere. As that car plummets to its doom. Formerly known as the artist who did the opening music for the podcast. Oh, oof. Way to make i thought we i thought we started doing that again well there was just for this episode you wanted to do it we just started throwing random songs in at the end yeah because really it does fucking irritate me it irritates chad shank and once i had that vote of confidence having to sit through opening music

that you hear every fucking time, you fast forward through it. They didn't want to tell you but they're opening it with one of my bits now. Chad, I'm going to meet you in the parking lot when this is done, all right? I didn't know that I confirmed that. That might have been a fucking confirmation.

A bit of a head nod? I don't even listen to the podcast, so I had to be lying. No, podcasts in general, when there's a long introduction. But Chaley and I talked about cutting one of your songs down to just six or eight seconds or something, just like a line. I was a footnote to a footnote, and now even that's gone. Just like, am I the only one drinking tonight?

The irony of you being cut down to a line, though, is kind of funny. The clip we had was cut down quite a bit. Because I was just blather on. No, the song. No, I remember. That was cut halfway through the first verse right to the chorus. Yeah. But that still wasn't enough.

As it should be. Stanhope needed six seconds. I know. Just get rid of all the manners. I just have to assume that everyone is as impatient as I am. We watched this movie today. Mishka was sleeping. JT and Ron Babcock.

Ron Babcock is here with us, too. Another comic. They did a show in town last night. Mishka and JT have been touring together for most of the year. Yeah. Since their civil union. Since our civil union. Uncivil union.

It became legal. Well, you were touring with Junior Stopka. Yeah, I did a month. Well, I went out for six weeks of one-nighters in October, and the first two weeks were with Jay Whitecott and Joe Statz, and then Joe dropped off, and then Jay continued, and we met up with Junior, and we did three weeks together. All right.

And so, yeah, we did three solid weeks, including Louisville, Kentucky, where that show was fucking... The crowd turned on us, and it got really bad. Turned on who? Come on. You can't say us. Yeah.

Well, we walked into this place. First of all, the venue is great. It's a place called the Third Street Dive in Louisville. It's a good rock club. Clue one. Yeah. It was called the Red Flag. I had done it before, and it was called the red flag i had done it before and it was good

but we we roll in there and they had booked like an opening band we didn't know about like it just seemed harmless like a blue grassy they're playing pixies covers and shit like that and then uh the band decided once we started the comedy portion to they were going to help the show like they were gonna like yeah they're gonna yell out like what about you know just stupid shit and white cotton yeah heckle for yeah like heckling but but in their brain they were helping they weren't you know as are as are all hecklers yes and the scene it was like it was a bar show and uh the owner was really cool it was but there was like people the bar that were talking and white cotton went up first and if you've never seen jay white cotton in action he just he

immediately he gave him a few minutes to adjust and then they're still yelling shit jay jumped on the table of the band and started kicking all their drinks into their faces i don't i don't see how that could go wrong and some some woman walked by and she was like you can't do that and he said shut your mouth you ginger whore and that was the uh owner's wife who had been really nice to us. We're like, Oh fuck. And,

uh, there was, and Jay just went to town on the, the entire crowd, even people that were there trying to enjoy it. And there was a couple, not even a couple. This guy was macking on this girl.

And Jay goes, you at the bar, you're a good looking guy. She's not worth it, man. Fucking just bail. She's not worth whatever you've paid for these drinks. She's never going to blow you. She's a horrible bar, which, and he's just going to that. And she's not worth it man fucking just bail she's not worth whatever you've paid for these drinks she's never gonna blow you she's a horrible bar witch and he's just going to

death and she's like fuck you and uh he's still on the table at this he's still on the table never got off the table did he did i think he did his whole set and then uh and he's opening and then he walks up and the we had a flat rate but, the guy had put a tip jar also cause you know, for the band and Jay goes in, I don't want your fucking tips and kicks the bucket, the bucket, like across the floor, Mike drop.

Here's junior stock. Okay. So junior goes, follow that. But the chick that Jay went to town on was so angry. She, she just immediately went into attacking junior and junior was fucking not having it so he junior is a long bike so junior leads this chick outside as he's brainier like onto the

street wait is this the owner's wife still no not the other way this was the chick who was the guy that was uh trying to hook on the the chick at the bar and she got all insulted that the guy was like well maybe you're not worth it and. And so Junior goes outside, and he's on the sidewalk just screaming into the mic, like, fucking, you should not be here. And he says, bar the doors. And so Whitecon and I run when they're out on the street and put stools in front of the chair instead of the door so he can't get in. And then he knocks, and we open it just enough for Junior to get in

and then lock her out. And that was very memorable, but they still paid get in and lock her out. And then continue. It was very memorable but they still paid us and they were nice to us after that. Yeah, that was,

I think that was night three. All right. Yeah. So when did you kick it off? When did, Mishka, when did you get on the tour?

I hooked up with them in, I hooked up with JT in January. Yeah. And that was a decent run. We were supposed to do a bunch of dates in Colorado that I had to fucking bail on. I remember seeing tweets. Yeah. Well that was a decent run. We were supposed to do a bunch of dates in Colorado that I had to fucking bail on. I remember seeing tweets.

Yeah. Well, Junior was supposed to do January with us too, but then he, I think he got some last comic standing stuff and so the schedules got fucked up.

Yeah. And so, yeah, we did like, what was that, three weeks in January? It was very cool when he got, he got knocked out immediately,

but. Oh, really? Norm MacDonald was saying, like, he reminded him of the old humorist Mark Twain. Oh, really?

Samuel Clemens? Norm Macdonald tweeted a couple weeks after that episode aired that his biggest regret of last comic standing was not passing Junior on to the next. Yeah.

We had so much fun. We went to Dinosaur World and got really high and walked around and did a podcast there. We had a good time. But then, yeah. So why did you have to drop out? Well, this was four weeks ago, this one. I'm getting ready to leave New York. I'm getting ready to turn in my book.

I've been living in the same apartment for nine years. Move out of New York. Yeah. Yeah. Not just, not just leave on tour. Yeah. Yeah.

Like moving across the country, across the fucking continent. And, uh, I woke up one morning with, um, I guess the medical, the medical term for it is a tickle in my pickle.

Yeah. I, uh, I wish you hadn't said that. It felt like there was like a tiny centipede in my urethra. And I was like, that'll go away. True guy fashion. That always happens.

I guess this is the difference between men and women. Spray raid down your dick through one of those WD-40 straws. A woman feels bad vibes in her vagina and immediately goes to a specialist. And I waited. I waited until I was like, just, you know, it was like a chain of white hot agony pulled, like yanked out of my fucking dick hole by an angry God. And I was still like, well, I only have to pee like four times a day. Other than that, it doesn't hurt that much.

Yeah. Now that you don't drink anymore. I should just wait and see. That's Wednesday. So after a couple of days of this, I was like, well, you know, the right thing to do is let anybody else who I might have given the fucking super aides to let them know that they're going to die horribly. Wait, previous to seeing a doctor? Well, yeah, I was up in Canada, so I didn't have a chance to see a doctor yet. But I knew. Johnny wrong move.

Yeah. Guess how this story ends well you know back before every phone was a cell phone you could just call someone and just say you know gonorrhea wouldn't want to be uh and then hang up oh really that's what did yeah and uh I mean that's while adjusting your monocle and your top hat that's what dear abby said was the proper way to do it yeah so then I was like well maybe I can just you know take a note from brendan walsh and leave it on the outgoing message on my phone and be like uh hey it's mishka um if we've had intimate sexual contact in the last couple of months uh you should get checked out anybody else leave a message it's kind of a blanket coverage yeah i mean i figured that would get to everybody but um yeah i made a couple of fucking uncomfortable phone calls and then um yeah and then i went to

you know i get you know i get the uh free health care which is exactly you know it's worth exactly what you pay for it socialist so i'm fucking waiting for like 10 hours in a clinic with like you know the guy on the on crutches wait is this because you're canadian no it's because i don't i don't make any money no you're you're back in New York, right? Yeah, yeah, I was in New York. And social welfare in New York is pretty fucking crumbling. But anyway, so yeah, so I go through the battery of tests, the fucking spike up your pee hole.

Yeah. I had to have that one. There's nothing worse than having that test. A Q-tip shut down. Then you were just paranoid, which I think is where this story is going. Have you heard this? I get checked for everything like fucking three times.

I'm just in and out of all these different waiting rooms and stuff, just handing random cups of urine to fucking strangers. Did you try that tickle in my pickle joke when you signed into the ER? No, I was saving. Reason for your visit. Saving the best for you, Doug.

Saving the gold. Keeping that currency. And then finally, I was just like, you know, I went to a fucking urologist. Like, am I going to get this fucking amputated? You know, that would solve several problems. Solve a lot of problems. And he was like, yeah. Was it getting worse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting just fucking agony. The centipede was growing where oh no it gets it gets better i wake up one morning and both of my eyes are fucking like frozen shut and i wake up and i have like huge crusty disgusting pink eye and i was like so i i feel like i touched my did i fucking put my dick in my eye in my sleep i'm like i have, I have super aids in my eyes now. I've just, I did. I jizzed my own eye.

Like, all right, what if I lose an eye? And then for the rest of my life, I'm like, yarr, captain dick eye, you know?

I mean, that's just, there's none of this that can be lived down. So, uh, so yeah, finally I go to a urologist and he's like, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Listen, it's hard for me to look you in the eye and tell you this news. He was like, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Listen, it's hard for me to look you in the eye and tell you this news. He was like, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. There's no sign of infection. All your tests have come back negative. Are you under a lot of stress? Oh, geez. You know what?

If I wasn't under a lot of fucking stress before my dick started burning and then I had to like make these awkward phone calls and then worry that I'm just a you know a vessel for disease yeah so it was fucking stress i slept for three days and it went away no medication but sir you do have dick eye we will be removing your eyes doug will eat my eyes this whole exchange he's sending me daily updates because i i really want to make it. I'm still going to make it.

He's looking more and more like a fucking deranged rabbit with these horrific eyes. It was good. Spread to both eyes. I'm like, don't come. Because we were like, why am I going to share a fucking rental car with you in close quarters? We can post a picture when the episode goes.

But we had like eight shows booked in like five days. Yeah, and then every fucking night, JT like another one sold out killer show i'm like fuck you my dick hurts that's what you get the shows were great fucker but the night before yeah i had to like um my good buddy uh johnny out there saved my ass because we had a car rented and it was all in mishka's name and then i was gonna have to rent a car the night before i flew with my 700 dollars to rent a new car. And yeah, Johnny Q helped me out. He was great.

But all the shows out there were fucking fantastic. You should have been there, bro. Thanks. Thanks. Rub it in. Rub it in. Me and Becker, when we used to toy around with that methamphetamine in my mullet days, we were going from Phoenix

and we had a gig in the Bay Area somewhere south of the South Bay, south of San Francisco. I mean, in my mullet days, we were going from Phoenix, and we had a gig in the Bay Area somewhere south of the South Bay, south of San Francisco. It was like a 12-hour drive. San Jose, Santa Cruz? It was a one-nighter. It was triple gig days. Okay.

So we decided to get some meth for the drive. We were going to drive early the night before and get in in the morning and get a hotel. Solid plan. What did we go wrong with that? Meth and driving. That's good. Well, we're going to drive through the night. It made sense.

So we go to the guy's house that sells it, and they're playing poker. Yeah, the guy who knew the guy, whatever, we're playing poker and the guy shows up. So we do meth and we're playing poker now. So like, we'll play a couple more hands. Let's play some more hands. Hey, fuck it.

We've got plenty of time. We can gambling. Check-ins not till like three. So we ended up doing all the fucking meth playing poker. And then we need the guy again. And now it's, you know, three in the morning or calling the guy two weeks later through the

night and we still have a 13 hour drive and then the guy takes forever we left at like five or six in the morning had to go through la oh it's awful and after that i was noticing just a little fucking drop of something fucking discolored at the end of my dick. And I was after this horrific meth purge. And I was just so paranoid that I went to a clinic and they gave me that stabbing in the dick test. They break up the cock. Yeah. They twist it.

I got to get a good sample. I got to get a good sample. It was a woman. And you could tell because I was so cocky. They asked me how much I drank. And at that point, I was like five or six beers a night, which was probably half. Well, again, this is like 1992 or something. So I was drunk every night.

I probably fudged a little bit, but I wasn't up to 15 drinks a night back then. And I was flipping, and she said, do you use protection? And I went, no. So I think she was grinding it a little extra to make... Three times divorcee. And then I had to pay for the antibiotics because I'm leaving

to go on the road to the next gig. So I got the prescription for like 60 bucks which is all the money you have in the world. That was to get you through the next gig. So I got the prescription for like 60 bucks, which is all the money you have in the world. That was to get you through the whole run. Yeah, yeah. And then I finally got the results. Nothing.

Motherfucker, my buddy. I know. Well, that was the thing. After all these tests, I was like, tell me I have something. Like, I've never been so disappointed to find out I didn't have a fucking STD. Right.

Yeah, at least say, oh, it was something else altogether, or tell me I have a fucking STD. Right. Yeah, at least say oh, it was something else altogether or tell me I had a fucking kidney infection. Right. Nothing, yeah. I was just probably dehydrated. Yeah. You're like the fucking guy in The Usual Suspects that his piss came out gummy. I'm gonna have to try harder next time. You worry too much.

It makes your dick hurt. Haven't you heard of that? I was like, I'm that weak. It's my fucking stupid head ruining my junk. That makes your dick hurt. Haven't you heard of that? I was like, I'm that weak. I'm that weak. It's my fucking stupid head ruining my junk. This new job has me so jumpy, I get centipedes in my penis. Old centipenis. So how many, you've been on the road now together for three weeks?

Well, we did a month in January. I've been on the road for three weeks. No, no, I'm talking about you two together. I just did two and a half weeks straight on the East Coast with Nick Lavallee, and I flew from Boston to San Diego to meet up with Mishka and Ron, and we did Awesome Fest in San Diego Friday. And then where did we go? Phoenix? How many gigs have you done together?

We've done like four on this run, but I've done like two weeks before I met up with these guys. All right. Yeah. I mean, I still know what time of day JT poops. Yeah, we kind of sync up our cycles. It's very... And you're traveling in a 1993... Toyota Previa.

Yeah. Rock solid. Minivan of destruction. Solid like a rock. Yep. There's currently a giant shark head in there. Thank you, Floyd. So how do you work it?

Is it just you two? Well, now on this gig, you just, Ron Babcock is a comic out of, you ran into him in Phoenix on your way here? No, he came down from LA and did San Diego with us. So he's doing the whole, whatever, 10 days with us. Yeah. We kind of build it as like co-headlining and we bring out a feature. That's how we've been doing it. So last time White Cotton came out with us when Junior had a drop off,

and that worked out really good. And yeah, Ron and I had gigged together at a Hell Yes Fest in New Orleans last year. And I saw a set and really dug it. And we just kind of said, hey. And then Mishka was like, my buddy Ron. I ran into him out in LA. As fucked up as that documentary, The Unbookables was. Because there was no lineup. Just all of a sudden, one comic isn't there.

And a new comic is there with no explanation. But that kind of sounds like what you're doing. Kind of. He had to go. He had an ear infection. Or he's getting married. So this guy was in town. And so he's on the road for three weeks i think is doug criticizing our planning i think so no no i'm saying with you like i was i was taking a shit this morning

how do you like how do you make that like a rotating thing. All right. Well, just see what such and such is doing. Oh, it's the altercation punk comedy tour. So it's JT and whatever other sucker you can rope into. And I'm a fucking psycho, so I booked myself six months out. So I'm booked through January right now. So on this run, we tour back to Austin. And then these guys continue on. They hook up with Mike Weebe and White Cotton and head up north

and then Mishka keeps going and Ron goes back to LA and then I'm home for five days and then I go out for three solid weeks of one-nighters with White Cotton and Brian Ziola out of Houston. And I'm out straight until October 18th. When I leave JT, I head up to...

Before I forget, because I will, plug where they can find your dates individually. JTComedy.com has all of my dates and generally all the altercation dates. And your Twitter is? At JTStandUp, because I will not make you spell my last name. So add me on at JTStandUp. And Mishka? MishkaShibali.com and at MishkaShibali on Twitter.

And TheRoadPodcast.com is the swap cast for this. Shibali for a million people is s-h-u-b-a-l-y spelled like it's sound yeah yeah um well that would be s-h-double-o there's a million ways it sounds it could be like jubilee jubilee oh that's fucking keeper yeah i i did a show in montgomery al, Alabama last fall, and they had it on the wall, A Night of Comedy with J.T. Habershat. People often seem disappointed that I'm not a black woman.

I told you that this morning. All right, so the gigs you've done so far. I'm reluctant to say it, but they've kind of been good. Fuck you. Well, you're reluctant. Every show I book is pretty good. Well, because if I say they've been good, then the next one we're going to get fucking murdered at.

Yeah, well, it's El Paso. Yeah, I'm ready to die. I thought we were going to die on the road today, and my first thought was I'm too young to die, and then I instantly corrected, and I was like, no, it's probably time. My problem when I worked with, not my problem, the audience's problem

working with Mishka was when you're billing it as a comedy show. Yep. Because Mishka has really good lyrics and some of them are very funny. They think he's supposed to be a comic. Right. And there's nothing funny about it. Yeah.

It works out, though, with us. Well, first of all, he wasn't funny. Yeah. You got to tell that guy. he's not a fucking comic lady well and and you know so many times the local opener or the host or whatever would be like you know incredibly funny guy great killer comedian you know like and i'm like standard intro and he walks in with a guitar so it's a nightmare and everybody's head you can just see people fucking like, oh. Guitar comic. Yeah. But the first tour we did, our neurosis like meshed perfectly. Like we both have equal control issues in weird ways.

Yeah. We used to be that guy in the band. The two old men in the balcony of the Muppets. Right. So it worked out really well, though. And people are starting to figure it out now. Well, it's also the matter, like the altercation tour. like yeah when you stand on their table and kick their drinks that's it if you're working with people like white cut and stop kid they fucking get it yeah

plus the altercation tour brand is established enough at this point that like people come they're expecting weird shit you know they don't expect what happened i don't know you're right over there jesus get paced i think i think chaley just got some dick eye i just got a lime shot right in the eye the first thing the old lime shot down for a oh you're pouring a drink over there and i look up and i open my good eye and i see is derrick pointing and holding in a laugh but his mouth wide open that's what you get so i thought my hearing was gone too that's what you get for the fucking joke. I thought my hearing was gone too. That's what you get

for the dick eye jokes, man. Instant karma. That's what you get for fucking with Derek when his bicycle exploded during a podcast that time. Next time we're going to give you the Q-tip up the pee hole

by stubbing out a cigarette, just twisting it in there. You look like you were having a stroke over there. All right. But yeah, no, I mean, the altercation brand is established enough for weird shit that people are like expecting. They're willing you were having a stroke over there. All right. But yeah, no, I mean, the altercation brand is established enough

for weird shit that people are like expecting. They're willing to go with it by this point. And so the Awesome Fest show, we were the only comedic act with all bands.

And I thought that went really good. Yeah, yeah, that was great. I mean, Ron, you know, got it fucking headed in the right direction by coming out screaming at everybody

until they settled down. Yeah. And then they sort of fell in line. They they were really good and then phoenix was fantastic you did a really good set there that was yeah uh yeah third space yeah a ton of support someone suggested we title this uh uh podcast the uh the green room which is pretty much taken by paul provenza even though it is a green room and lime're in a literal green room and lime in the eye. And it's kind of, I guess, obvious. A little too obvious for what this... But now that I'm just not even listening to you two...

I was going to say that was a killer segue. You guys just sitting there talking about what great sets you had. We were good. We were talking about that too. Tell me the shitty sets. No one wants to hear about your good sets. Well, last night, we can talk a little

about the Bisbee show. Not that that show was shitty because it was great, but the fact that... I fucking hate doing shows in town. I really... The sound guy, there's this cowboy sound guy

who fucking is trying to convince Mishka to use the DI. I was going to stab him in the neck. Direct line in for his guitar when he's got this which is basically the equivalent of like telling a comic like actually we're gonna leave the tvs on for you and play a little background music so i think it's gonna make your you that much funnier

and i was like fuck you uh god and so and so then the uh somebody from the venue got up and started doing upcoming announcements like four times during the show and well and then he was like adjusting your mic while you're on stage and then fucking cut ron ron off oh yeah ron what are you telling seconds into his ron babcock hop on the mic for a minute what did he say he told me he's like oh hey well hey we start off we start every show off with a an invocation like a prayer a prayer so just do that real quick and i didn't know if he was like the owner i was like i had no idea what he was doing the place on some level i don't know if he was the owner. I had no idea what he was doing. I know he runs the place on some level. I don't know his relationship with the owner.

He seemed a little cushy there. He was his space, and we just happened to be there. I don't know if you guys could all hear it. I was all the way in the back, and he was heckling pretty much everybody. The sound guy? Yeah. The cowboy? That was all I could fucking focus on for most of it.

And then I saw the owner chick would go over there and i was like oh wow yeah that's like well he walked by us on his way to the bathrooms while doug was on at the beginning and he goes you work with this guy a lot i'm like yeah you know when i can he's like he's pretty good opener he's got he's got some kids got some moves with his big spur cowboy boots clanging around sound man walking backstage with cowboy boots clip-clopping like a Clydesdale. And for the listener, keep in mind, this is a stage that the audience has to walk across the stage to get to the restrooms. Like up on the stage. In the middle of the stage or the steps. And then you just kind of banana off to the left.

And that's where you go to the restroom. So, yeah, the tour's been great we're playing legendary venues with fucking just great hospitality but the crowd was great but my my mic went out three fucking times it dropped when they knew that cable was bad dude well the fucking bisbee crowd is so weird because it's like they took all the extras from like an aerosmith from the 70s, but the actual people. So they're redneck cowboys, but they're all like 79. Yeah, but they're hippies, too. Yeah.

It's the best. But old hippie cowboys is definitely my target demographic. I know almost everyone in the room, so I hate doing it. It's like, all right, we know you do this. Yeah, it's weird. It's like doing a hometown gig. At one point, I tried to go into the crowd, and I go, I can't do this. I know every fucking person that I can see. Crowd work?

You were going to do crowd work? I was just the furthest side. That was the furthest time cricket in the background. You can't use where you're from. Well, you did do a Safeway reference. Didn't you do the slow way? I did all sorts of local shit. Very inside. Yeah a Safeway reference. Didn't you do the slow rate? I did all sorts of inside. Local shit? Very inside.

Yeah. Safeway jokes. Don't you hate when you're at Safeway and you're stuck in lane four when Sherry's at the register? That's fucking killed. Everyone knows. Of course it killed. Local reference, man.

But she's fucking slow as shit, too. The person who got the biggest applause last night was Floyd. Yeah, man. He won Bisbee's got talent basically by getting cancer yeah just to see him on a bar stool yeah yeah he's looking good he's looking great yeah maybe i should get cancer oh you got it that's right at the tip of your dick the dick i wasn't enough they didn't test for cancer when mishka tries to be uh self-deprecating about his looks yeah yeah go fuck yourself yeah pussy just fucking falls all over mishka the to be self-deprecating about his looks. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, pussy just fucking falls all over Mishka. The worst thing is that I'm starting to lose my hair, and I'm graying, and I just have preening vanity, and I've built this abhorrent personality around being good-looking, and now that my looks are starting to fade, I'm just going to have to deal with being a shitty person. Dear diary. It's hard. Ran 97 miles today shirtless. Now they call me the silver fox instead of the fucking sexy hound or whatever bullshit.

Mishka, can you take off your hat right now? No. No, I just want to see what you think losing your hair is. Because right now, you're going up to guys in wheelchairs. Be like, oh, yeah, I sprained my ankle, man, so I know how it feels. For the listener, we've got George Costanza next to me. Ron Babcock, yeah. No, you know, he looks like, I've been trying to remember,

it's not Elvis Gerback. It was another quarterback of that era. Matt Hasselbeck. Oh, Matt Hasselbeck. That's a good one. Sports. Matt Hasselbeck. Oh, yeah.

Sorry for the George Costanza thing. Still not who I was thinking of, but that works. Yeah, we were lamenting the other day. We're like, what are we going to talk about? The shows have been good. What do you talk about when the shows are fucking pretty good? Yeah, and all the fucking drunken hijinks we've been up to. Are you taking down some pussy there, Mishka?

No. Never. Quasimodo over here with his thinning hair. Mishka got laid so often. And not always top talent. But often when he worked with me. And that is saying a lot.

Because there's one pretty solid rule. Nobody gets laid when they work with me. You gave me a nickname. I don't know if you remember this. You gave me the nickname the first long weekend we went out together. You walked into the hotel room, and me and Walsh were just sort of laying there, barely alive. And you said, I'm going to call you El Diablo, because you can get three sixes in three nights.

The kid's got some jokes. Write that shit down. That's a keeper. The best fucking story on the road with you was we did that show. We did the radio thing in Houston. There was that aspiring porn star

co-host there who I was working on all day. I was like, I'm going to have sex with a hot girl tonight. I was so fucking amped about it and then uh after the show she comes back with us like we've been fucking doing lines together all night and blah blah blah we go back and then we're in the hotel room with her and uh walsh was like hey go get your guitar and i was like no man i'm fucking i'm off the clock you know and he was like no no girls man, I'm fucking, I'm off the clock, you know? And he was like, no, no, no. Girls love the guitar, man. Like, go get your guitar, you know? Like, fuck, come on, man. I'm trying to help you.

And I was like, I mean, it's Walsh. I can trust him, right? Sure. I fucking walk out of the room. And I'm like, just barefoot. And like, fucking, I walk out. The second I walk out, I hear the door go click behind me. Deadbolt.

The fucking lock. And I was like, wait, guys. Guys. Knocking on the door. Fucking wandering around. It was like high school. Sad trombone. I can hear the sounds.

It sounded like the jungle in there. And I was like, oh. And then finally, like fucking an hour and a half later or something, I'm just still moping in the hallway. And Doug comes out. And he was like, you all right? And I was like, yeah. fucking an hour and a half later or something i'm just still moping in the hallway and doug comes out and he was like you all right and i was like yeah and you said you want me to get a hooker and i was like no yeah but that what you didn't know is i was i was already in that from a year or two before.

That girl wasn't someone. Aspiring porn star? What does that even mean? You're either fucking on film or you're not, right? No. I think that was her career goal. She was going to school. Yeah.

She was being like a bikini model. An apprentice. Topless. She had yet to develop her drug addiction that would lead her to. Sure. Amateur her to. Sure. Amateur fucker. Yeah. I guess the word

for an aspiring porn star is just a slut, right? That's weird that Brendan Walsh She was a very nice girl. Yeah. To you. You can say that.

I remember the time with Mishka and Brendan Walsh in Tacoma. Oh, God. This was a low point for you, I believe. Yeah, this is the end of the end. Where you were, we were halfway, we were.

It was in a stairwell at a jazz club in Tacoma. I played that place. What's that called? Hennigan will never forget that. Is it Mr. Something? Downstairs or something. Mr. Bones or something? No, no, Mr. Bones was the place eventually

that was a little bit outside the downtown. This was, it was an old bank. You walked through the old bank vault to get through, and upstairs was a strip club. This was back at the hotel. No, no, no. This is shittier than the bar. No, I think it was Mr. Bones. Jazz Bones.

A very unattractive girl blew him on the stairwell. On the stairwell. On the stairwell. I was thinking of the time when he was begging Brendan Walsh to kick him in the nuts. That was bingo. What? Was Brendan Walsh. You still have that clip, right?

You guys were like, it was this whole thing. Now, I'm talking full foot. I want the top of the foot to get underneath. To get to where his toe could be touching your butthole. You're like, I don't want you to fucking chimp out here and not give me the full foot. This was a whole. That's a great line.

Bingo's like, you don't want to do this. You're like, no, no, he has to do this. Brenzol, I'm going to kick you. And you fucking folded like a house of cards. You went straight to the ground. That's how I got pink eye. Yeah. You missed really good shots.

Yeah, that's stuff like Jackass does for money. Or at least with just a Wednesday. Like an audience. This was to feel alive at the end of the night oh I felt alive good god I felt everything

I still want to puke just thinking about that I remember that venue they hated me there it was not good I can't remember what that place was called Jazz Bones

Jazz Bones Jazz Bones is the place outside of town well I'm talking about the place Jazz Bones is where I played yeah that's where I bought that painting

that would look like the Nightmare Before Christmas. It used to be above the booth, that orange painting with the weird guy. And then at some point I go... Did the sushi bar on the third level?

What? Yes. Yeah, that's the place. Yeah. Sounds right. I know. Anyway. Well, that's a good time

for a break. That's a good time for's a good time to take a piss yeah let's take a break i wanted something other than a beer all right all right we'll be right back the ebay auction for the uh football helmets to offset the cost of this new fantastic fucking spot the studio and football room is going on right now it fucking took off and right now which we're recording on what's it Tuesday night

and that will wrap up this will be out and it will wrap up Sunday the 13th opening Sunday of football so you can watch every 15 minutes starting noontime Pacific. So 3 p.m. East Coast, they start ending. And they start with the East Coast teams. Right now, San Francisco 49ers.

Because I put up that whatever team sells for the most money, I will be a fan of that team. I will wear their jersey every Sunday in the Funhouse. And right now it looks like San Francisco, but savvy eBayers will be waiting until the last minute. So I don't know who I'm rooting for. And whoever buys the helmet for the most money gets an invite to the Super Bowl party.

VIP access. We'll even save you seats at the bar. So, yeah, check that out on eBay. Just search Stanhope Funhouse and the helmets will come up. And thank you for your support. I was I'm flattered and amazed always that you fucking hardcores will go that far out. And we'll see you at the Super Bowl. Hardcore will go that far out, and we'll see at the Super Bowl.

And everyone who wins their particular helmet will get there. We get a guy. Oh, it's the guy that did Floyd's colostomy bag. He won that contest. He does engraving, so he's going to make the plaque with all the names and your teams. Thank you for helping build this studio on the wall here. It'll be probably the first decoration we put up because this has taken so fucking long. We haven't put a goddamn thing on the wall except for TVs. So thank you for that.

And, yeah, even if you're not buying, it's fun to watch during football. See who's the most popular team of the Doug Stano Podcast listeners. See who's the most popular team of the Doug Stano podcast listeners. I mean, I can fucking, I can do a plug when we're back. We are back and you're doing a plug. You have a new record out. You're going to be a fucking dictator? Yeah, so I guess we're back.

Hold on, hold on. back see we're not we're not i wanted you to plug when your mic was off we're sending this out live uh yeah i have a new record coward's path coming out uh october 2nd in the united states it's already out in the uk i have a book coming out march 8th called I Swear I'll Make It Up To You, which sounds a little sincere, but if you think about it, you're a really shithead, incredibly messy, drunk friend.

That's what he says to you all the time, and he never does. That's out March 8th on Public Affairs. Can you tell me what it's about? I'm only saying this because when people ask me now, I'm doing all these interviews for the UK coming up. If I answer this question,

then you have to answer the difference between London audiences and fucking American audiences. Okay, what I'm asking, do you have bullet points you can say? Because I don't. Right now I'm saying it's about my life with my mother, which sounds like the most boring fucking book in the world. But I've got to get bullet points of the dark shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it's a really fucking dark book. But right now, it's like my life with my mother, but she's weird. Right. I mean, the fucking 15 second elevator pitch is how long distance running helped me forgive my father. Obviously, it's a lot less touchy-feely than that. Yeah, that's my problem is because that sounds boring as shit, and I know your book isn't going to be. Yeah, there's no good way to put in the elevator pitch of when you're sitting on the toilet,

like just shit water flowing out of you, and then you throw up on your own crotch. Done it. I did that. Okay, show of hands. Who's done that? Not on your own crotch like i haven't i did that okay show of hands who's who's done that who's a man who's a man yeah i puked on my genitals yes um but you can't put that in the fucking the jacket exactly to give examples is to give away the book so i have to write like yeah my my new book is about just fucked up road stories. You have a book? Yeah, I'm working on a new book.

I'm working on it. A new book? Do you already have a book? I already wrote a book. Yeah, The Altercation Archives. It's all interviews with people like Henry Rollins and David Cross and Jelly B. Offer and Mike Patton, people like that. All right. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm working on my second book. Now it's going to be road stories Detailing 2014 into 2015 Tours. Good. Yeah. A lot of fucking. How do you feel now having turned in the big fucking draft? I'm fucking terrified of the notes I'm going to get back. Yeah.

And that it's boring because I've already, you know, it's boring to me because I live here. I'm sure it's boring as shit. I mean, I'm trying to console you. I have no idea. I'll read it. I'm so glad you didn't put that vomiting on your penis part in. It's so played out. There were two overlap.

I read a lot of books while I was reading. While I was writing, when I stepped away, I didn while I was reading. Yeah. I mean, while I was writing. When I stepped away, I didn't want to watch dumb TV. It spurns you to keep writing. Yeah, exactly. Well, the problem is, though, too, is that if you read something that's a little bit similar to what you were going to write, then you won't write it. Well, I did anyway, because there were two stories in Artie Lang's book. The new one. The new Artie Lang book.

Yeah. But one, I go, first of all, I've told that story on podcasts years ago. It was my first time doing acid, and it was a vomit story. And he had a similar story in his. But I go, your book is way later than my story was out on podcasts. So I can't remember what the second one was. Just a similarity. Well, you can get into your head where you just psych yourself out.

Like, oh, every fucking story has been told. So why would I even pick up a pen? And you can't do that. You just keep fucking writing. And if you're a fuck up, you have more than one. You're going to have similar stories. You're going to have similar stories. That's how we bond.

That's how we make friends in this life. I shamed myself in a new way would you guys like to hear about it yeah it's like yeah the fucking getting speared with the stainless steel q-tip in his dick that's how that's how you bond in a green room yeah me too not a lot of other uh professions that's the thing too is like you know it's like when i was fucking when i got shipwrecked and like drank my own piss and then got rescued five minutes later it's like on part of me part of me was weeping and the other part was man the guys are really gonna love this one this is a good story it's not whether you win or lose it's whether you wake up with a good story

well in tucson the other night i had a a weird experience not weird an awesome experience after the show was hanging at the bar and this guy came up from the show and was like i don't want to make this weird which is usually a here we fucking go and he's like i'm like okay and he uh he slaps down two 50s and he says this is for your podcast and this is for chaley uh i really like what you guys do so chaley here's 50 bucks for that fine gentleman right on man there you go straight to chad shank straight to chad chad how about all right all right there's your wages for the year that's it so all monies that are floated this way go to chad shank okay well much appreciated oh thank you that's great and thanks to the fucking i wish i had his name It was the end of the night, and I was in the process of settling up

and kind of hammered, so I didn't get his name. You know what? One of the things we're going to do now that we're organized, we have this... This is not a pig pile of forced space into a football room. This is an actual studio now for us. We will have

folders and shit and a shelf just for the stuff that people have sent so much stuff in this transition period that I set it down somewhere to thank them for it and it gets fucking lost. So all this stuff you send to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona,

85603, I will remember to thank you for because we'll have it in a specific spot. We have shelf space now. Right. We have all sorts of shit. You know, we were talking about doing a- Hang on.

I want it, because I get a couple things. I got a package today to Doug and Bingo, which I usually let Bingo open those, because it's always Christmas at the mailbox, and Bingo's name is on it. But I opened it, because she forgot to and it was uh some guy who sent two books not to me or bingo uh but to uh derrick and uh greg chaley and uh he sent a hatch chili cookbook because after that trip up to pinos altos with that fucking phenomenal i can't remember is it the long? What's the name of the... It's the only place in Pino Salta. It's the only restaurant.

Bar restaurant up there that has this amazing... I'll have a link on the site. ...hatch green chili... Stew. Yeah. It's an appetizer. Yeah.

Unbelievable. Bingo canceled her entree and ordered another one. Just drank it? That she ate instead of... So good. That's a true testimonial right there. This is true to bingo fashion.

She ordered – we ordered the hatch green chili stew as an appetizer for the table. And then she did this whole thing of like the salad needs to be just salad, nothing on it, and then like just lettuce and then a chicken breast. No chicken but no dressing. Yeah, no dressing. This whole thing. And then once she ate the lion's share of the green chili stew. Which if she sees pork generally, she'll go, that's disgusting.

Whatever. Yeah. Or beef. Yeah. But occasionally she wants it and then she wants all of it. I've seen her not eat more chicken breast on just lettuce with nothing. I've seen her turn away more than she's actually eaten. She orders that just as the garnish for the real meal.

That's why I gain weight. So she, during the salad was placed down exactly how she ordered it. And then she tugged the gal's sleeve and goes, we'll have another one of these green chili, the hatch green chilies. And then the salad was never touched. And she bowed down the entire hatch green chili. I just ate two. Well, I'll take it to go.

I would eat two of them right now. Nice. It's that fucking good. But it was really funny because she always passes on eating meat. And she ate fucking about a pound of pork that night, which is awesome. I'm going to save the Derek book because we're going to do another podcast with Derek while we have Chad Shank.

That'll be the next podcast after this. Oh, someone sent us a bartender who said, I don't have your name because, again, I lost a fucking letter somewhere, but it was a bartender who was going to Australia to bartend for six months and sent us two

Negroni shirts from Negroni Week, which I say we started during that tin can rehab. I had never heard of Negroni before you guys told me. You're just a Liquor Week aggregator, Doug.

You're a lousy plagiarist. No one knew what goddamn Negronis were until we made them popular on this podcast. We were going through all these 1920s or 30s recipes for cocktails every night. Shining. Yeah, exactly.

Lloyd. And the Negroni was our favorite of the 30 days. We both came back after I had left for a while because you finished the rehab with Hennegan, and I was gone for a while because I went to a convention. Came back, and we both said our favorite drink. Like, you say it. Okay, we'll say it both at the same time. One, two, three.

Negroni? No way! It was really fucking – Still drink them. I have to close. I can't do it now while I have another podcast to do. And I still get, especially in these interviews, I snapped on a guy today. I didn't tell you this, Jay.

Oh, because you're doing interviews. At breakfast, and Hennigan, because he was in Burning Man, said, all right, any interviews? I told the PR girl, Mary, in London at 11 a.m.? So if your phone rings at 11 a.m. Local time, yeah. That's an interview, but just one a day. So it rang today.

I had no idea that I had to do one. We're still hungover from the show last night. I'm like, oh, fuck, it's 11 o'clock. And the guy, every fucking interview in the U.K. ever since i first played there in 2002 so what are the biggest differences between the u.s audience and the uk audience and i just went through my head but it just came out of my mouth i go that's the stupidest fucking question i'm so and i immediately i'm sorry and it's not you but it is and that's like saying

what's the difference between a wednesday audience and a thursday audience well it depends on where you are the the kind of place the mood how like prepared you are how hungover you are it's yeah every audience is it's fucking chaos theory my friend a thursday show in denver without mishka was sold out and awesome this was a friday this is my favorite thing and i fucking snapped on somebody about this is that i'll get like i've done a couple of trips to the uk which is like a little different than your trips because it's me just fucking begging and scrounging trying to get a gig anywhere trying to get you know trying to get fucking 20 pounds or whatever anything now people i have people who will write to me six times i can't

believe you're coming is this sold out how much your tickets i'm like it's a free show it's not going to be sold out it's going to be like me and you and one other person and then they don't fucking come make it and then the next day the next day they're like oh man i got sucked into a peep show marathon on netflix when are you coming back? It's like, I crossed the fucking ocean for you, my one fan. I used to say that over there. Like, well, you're playing fucking Bristol. Why don't you play bass? You know what?

If I played your living room, you'd go, why can't you come into the bedroom? For real. Yep. Yep. And I instantly felt horrible because I just alienated my entire UK audience by doing that calling out that one guy you know what you should do

is charge based on your talent because you know you say oh it's a free show people imagine that it sucks yeah that's a weird thing in Tucson and Phoenix, those were both free shows,

but we had flat rates, guarantees. But it's a weird perception, right? Because people are like, eh. Especially with a free show, people go, ah, you know what?

I got to take a shit anyway. Yeah. Let's go in, and then I'll yell at him. I'm always worried. I'm always worried about that. Yeah. I try and do most of my shows

like 10 or 12 bucks. No, no. Yours should be free. Oh, nice. Give me back that 50. Oh, like 10 or 12 bucks. No, no, you should be free. Oh, nice. Give me back that 50. Oh, you gave it to Chad. You can take it from my wallet over here.

I can give it to my friend Chad. He can have it. Fucking cut down. My audiences are small enough where I've tried to organize where I just have people pay me directly. The three of you

can pay me directly. Pay you directly every night. So far, no good. You're the doorman? Yeah. Wearing a guitar? This is on you, the listeners. You want to see this Mishka Shibali character in your town,

let him know that he's got a fan base. Spread his shit around. Very attainable. Throw some links out to some of his stuff on YouTube or wherever the fuck you find music. Jesus Christ. I will play your living room. Yeah, where are you going?

Throw some towns out. Well, we're in El Paso tomorrow and then Austin with Lulu Monkey. That'll be cool. And then San Antonio. Yeah, San Antonio. I'm going on to Arlington and Denton. And then I'm going to see Joby in Oklahoma City. Yeah, we're doing. Yeah, next Friday I leave for three weeks of one-nighters.

So we go to Norman, Oklahoma and see Joby there. We're going to Amarillo and seeing Shea White up there. Oh, that Sunset Grill? I'll be at – No, we're doing – I'm at Leftwoods. Leftwoods. They treat us great there.

Yeah, they've been great. Shout out to Cameron. Go get the green chili stew at the Sunset Grill. Yeah, jtcomedy.com. We'll put a link on the page. And then wind it down through Florida and stuff. Florida. Shit, I had something.

Oh, it's on my list over there. Where's your list? Right there. I'm going to plug my shit in the meantime. Do it. Go for it. I just filmed my new special for Stand Up Records. It's going to be out in February

as a special edition DVD and also on a lot of streaming sites, so keep an eye out for that. Yeah, that's it. Oh, wait. You were starting because I told you not to tell me. Trolling Will Ferrell. Oh, shit. This is a good one. Kevin Hart.

This is at South by Southwest this year. I was filming something, which I can't talk talk about but I was filming a thing and I was walking to it was it a snuff film? it was an industry thing I was walking to this shit and I looked down the street on 6th street by the Velveeta room

and I see Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart walking down there promoting whatever their new movie is just walking down the street Get Hard? I don't know that sounds right they go to jail walking down the street. Get hard? Yeah. I think that was it. How was that end? I don't know. That sounds right. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Yeah. That sounds right. The police, they go to jail. Will Ferrell and a black fellow. Kevin Hart. Yeah. Also known as Kevin Hart. When he said that, I thought it was Kevin James.

Oh, no. So, yeah. No, Kevin Hart. Yes, the black fellow. Yes, all Kevin's. Did I say that wrong? The colored gentleman. That's not what I said. I was going to call you out for Negroni. Yes, all cabins. Did I say that wrong? The colored gentleman. That's not what I said. I was going to call you out for Negroni.

Oh, my God. Negroni, please. So, yeah. So, they're walking down the street flocked by cameras, and they're in this, like, daily show getup, and they're doing, like, man-on-the-street interviews. And I just see them, and I just snap a quick photo because I'm like, that's funny, but whatever. I don't want to engage. I don't give a fuck. And they see me, and, you know, I've got the the like kind of albus costello nerd glasses and

they're immediately like oh austin hipster dude we're gonna fuck with this guy and so they beeline straight to him like sir sir sir i'm like all right game on game on and they're like uh sir can we talk to you for like absolutely and i say uh and i just pretend i don't know who they are i'm just i'm just like like they they're doing a Kickstarter or something like that. Like everyone in Austin would. Right. You don't matter. You're so last year.

But no, I was just like, pretend I didn't know who they were. And they're like, can we talk to you? I'm like, yeah, sure. And there's like, like a dozen cameras rolling around us. So it's like a live thing. And they're, they say, can we talk to you about like, like what kind of movies do you, do you like, like comedies? You into comedies? I you about, like, what kind of movies do you like? Do you like comedies? Are you into comedies?

I'm like, no, not at all. They're like real dark. And I'm like, why not? I'm like, I'm just not into comedies at all. They say, well, what do you do for a living? I'm like, I'm a comic. They're like, you don't like comedies? I'm like, yeah, it's just like watching work.

And the black fella, it's looking at me real confused, and Will Ferrell's just kind of going, oh, wait a minute. And so they're like, well, do you like any, like, you gotta like some comedies. I'm like, yeah, there's some comedies I like. I like some current stuff.

Well, what do you watch? I said, well, let's see, what's a current one? I like, I really liked Clue. Clue? Clue, the fucking let's see, what's the current one? I like, I really liked Clue. Clue? Clue, the fucking Tim Curry movie from the 80s. I'm trying to do

the most obscure dated, and the girly Sue. Yeah. And so, Kevin Hart's looking at me like, what the fuck is Clue? And Will Ferrell's going, oh no,

this guy's trolling us. Like, he's like, that is a good movie. But he's getting pissed. He's like, that was a good movie. And so, we're going back and forth, and i'm just keeping it as dark as possible

at one point kevin harns just goes man this is this is pretty fucking depressing i was like yeah well man well life life is pain they're just like what the fuck are you talking about and so they're like well it has to be something like get it up be like there's got to be some romantic comedies i'm like well let's see i really liked when harry met sally just all this old dated shit and at the end uh uh i was like you guys want to get a selfie together just to like document this moment forever and will ferrell goes no and just walked away stormed up and kevin hart much to his credit was like sorry man you can you can be a little uptight so i'm like this is totally cool man and then their pa ran over to get me to sign the release and he was fucking dying he like, you were just trolling them.

I'm like, yeah, absolutely. He's like, no, this is a fucking comic. That's so Austin of you. That's so Raven. Have you ever been in an audience, a comedy audience, where the comic goes, what do you do? Like, goes after you, and you're like, oh, no. I don't want to say I'm a comic.

You need some kind of scarlet letter so they know that you're in the industry. I usually lie. No, that happened in, was it Toronto? One of those shows we did. The musical? I think it was in Canada where someone in the front row was a comic. And I was just doing,

the same reason I went into the crowd. I don't need to do that for that bit. It couldn't have been Toronto. Just what do you do? I just need, as an example of of you know how that bit goes. And he said, I'm a comic. And I'm like, why are you in the fucking front row there? It wasn't Frank or David Hetty.

I have no idea. It was one of those Canadian shows. Just tell people you're a long distancedistance t-shirt salesman. Because that's basically what I am. That's what it is. The guitar's a fucking prop. I'm just here to sell clothes. And booze.

I'm shilling booze. I'm advertising booze and selling clothes. You sell more booze than laughs. Oh, shit. A good comic does. He's rough today. You're going to be on the couch tonight. No, a good comic does.

You want the bar to fucking sell. I mean, that was Toronto when you decided to fucking tell everyone because it's all assigned seating. It's a huge sold-out show, and Doug, 15, 20 minutes in, bars finally slow down out in the lobby. At my shows, the bar is – Doug goes, hey, by the way, you can get up anytime you want, and you'd

think someone yelled fire. Oh, really? And the fucking manager's out going, open the other bar! And they're like, hey, guys, over here, we got Tallboy Cans. The pizza girl was now selling beers. Nice. And I'm like, that's...

Because, remember what happened? You ended up selling more per show than jim jeffries yeah i i had to do the oh yeah he said i think the only one who sold more and he goes uh as jim jeffries is the only guy that sold this much booze and then he said you might have been higher i go let's go to the receipt i used to get shit from uh i used to get shit from bar managers that they were like man like i don't know if we can book you here again that was so depressing and i was like look at these people they're drinking like their fucking lives depended on it it's not what you want relationship yeah it's not a cut you you're there to tell to to do your craft but at the same time, you can't be oblivious to the fact that they need to sell liquor.

And when you say something like that, there's a fucking spike that doesn't hurt you at all. I'm not trying to sell liquor. I know that if I was sitting in the middle of a long row at a theater and I only brought two drinks down with me, well, they're gone in 20 minutes. And now I want to get up, but I don't want to look like a douche. I hate this show because I want to drink. So I'm doing that purely trans. We're trying to find this word. I'm transplanting my own feelings onto the audience,

thinking they must hate this. Projecting. People say I play to the back of the room. I play to me if I were in the room. Right. And I'm not the fucking most normal guy, but I still feel like that. That's why I have the same thing about people coming to back-to-back shows. It's going to be the same shit.

By the way, merch sales spiked as well. Hey, Chaley's going to be selling T-shirts because we're not bringing merch to the uk uh so but we have uk tour merch that will be on the website jim ether is doing either the fantastic fantastic the best i love them uh so that'll be on the website so you can buy shit from there because those houses that big and then tax bullshit and quarantine your shit at the border. It's really... Just trying to bring merch in

to have foreign countries... Like you're bringing oil from Iran. I remember one time when my first CD was out driving into Canada. Well, how many do you have? Because we tax you and then we count them on the way out. Oh, yeah.

Stupid. There's no way around Canadian customs when it comes to merch. There's no way. We never do anything. We're going to wrap this up. I have to piss. Since we have the new studio built, which is a bar, which is

one point of a periscope, Chaley's trying to force me to do when it's done. We'll get some video out of what you guys have built for us. And so if you work in a bar or you have access to bar shit, coasters, all that kind of shit, bar mats, coasters, all that kind of shit, bar mats, whatever. If you have bar-related stuff that you want to fucking steal from work and send to us, 212 Van Dyke Street. Van, like you molest kids in. Dyke, like the alternative lifestyle.

212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Send it to me. I went Zoom. Tell me the song that you want us to close on that we can find. Oh, play Your Stupid

Dreams. People love that. I love that. I have two quick shout-outs to my friend Ellie who's in the hospital. We don't do shout-outs on this. It's not a hip-hop podcast. And Alex, you just lost his brother. This isn't live. I just want to end on a fucking dark note.

A down note. This is not live, so Ellie will be dead by the time that shout-out goes out. In delay. Five-second delay. And your friend whose brother died, was it? Alex, yeah. Yeah, Alex will have killed himself because of the loss of his brother. And yes, and thank you for the outpouring of support when I suddenly had to put my cat

trousers down. Yeah, I started to hear that. I had to put a fucking weepy thing on Twitter knowing I'm going to get my balls busted. But fortunately, it was a lot of fucking nice people, which creeped me out even more. Speaking of

death and doom and the emptiness of life, please enjoy thoroughly this song, Stupid Dreams by Mishka Shubali. Crickets? You're used to that, right? That was awesome.

That was my fan. Oh, God. All right. All right. Well there you lay in your diaper Just as cute as could be Propped up on your elbows And smiling at me I drove in for your birthday

Your mother drove me away But that woman taught you how to crawl For your birthday, your mother drove me away. But that woman taught you how to crawl. And that'll come in handy someday. Hey kid, hang on to your dreams. Your stupid, hopeless dreams I grow meeker and colder As you get weaker and older Making the same money you did

When you were seventeen No, it's never too early To throw in the towel. But it's always too late to die with dignity. So give up. Give in, surrender without a fight. This is your last chance to snatch failure from the jaws of defeat. Wild horses on the jukebox or whatever the hell it was. But we were were young we were in love

we were drunk and on drugs your mom can say what she likes about how I wasted my time but I had so much fucking fun burning out

at 29 hey kid Burning out at 29. Hey kid, hang on to your dreams. Your stupid, hopeless dreams. They'll grow meeker and colder as you get weaker and older. colder as you get weaker and older making the same mistakes you did when you were 17 no it's never too early to throw in the towel but it's always too late to die with dignity So give up, give in, surrender Without a fight This is your last chance To snatch failure from the jaws of defeat Thank you. 12 years of public school

15 minutes of fame 8 hours 5 days a week For a parking spot with your name compare the man you wanted to be to the man you became

realize man those two guys only their shoe size is the same I won't have any children. I never had a career. I have no fucking regrets. I guess I'll have another beer.

Hey kid, hang on to your dreams, your stupid, stupid dreams.